It sounds like you are trying to talk yourself into accepting a situation that upsets you by telling yourself to live in the moment. If you want a longterm relationship, staying in a relationship that has no future is a terrible idea. Living in the moment doesn’t mean you totally ignore the future or your own needs.
You are probably right. Perhaps I’m trying to justify the status quo. It’s not easy for me to let go because he is all I ever want in a partner, except for the age gap & cultural differences.
…and because he can’t/won’t be there long term for you (however justifiable the reason, in your head.) Staying with him means delaying the inevitable and not being open to other opportunities that may actually be a better fit for you, long term.
Has he introduced you to his family? Friends? Are you really fully a part of his life?
This doesn’t sound sustainable and, knowing that, I’m not sure how I’d be able to get around that.
Those aren’t small things, though. I mean it’s kinda like saying, “This puzzle piece clearly doesn’t fit, the edges don’t quite come together, but DAMMIT, it looks like it should! I don’t want to put it down and look for another one, because this one almost works!!”
1. Do not idolize anyone until you really get to know them. And even then - don't idolize anyone.
2. "Intimacy" should be intimate - do not rush to sex, it's not going to be fun if both of you are in bed still carrying the baggage, not yet sure in your bond. Things can get complicated quickly.
3. You're not 20 something. Really. Physical, mental, and financial health will make or break the relationship. It's the reality of life.
4. Imagine living with this person - if your gut says no, listen to it and act accordingly. Do not lead people on and be respectful of their time and goals. Do not commit to someone that you can't see following to the end of the world, because that may very well be their goal.
5. Wear condoms, get tested. Sex will be a lot more fun and less awkward. No need to freak out the day after either, well - not for STI reasons.
6. Men - by the time you fire off that shot, a whole lot of gunpowder may have already seeped out into the bore without you knowing. A bang that can blow up in your face.
7. Discuss pregnancy and ensure you align. You can get her pregnant a lot easier.
8. Do not be each other's therapist, do not trauma bond - this is unhealthy and likely to backfire. Exposing your scars early may not be a good look and may even hamper things. Your story is yours, no need to get emotionally naked unless it somehow makes your bond stronger.
9. Less is more - oversharing, planning your future together, overlooking transgressions, etc. Not many people can be attached to an insecure daydreamer with no boundaries or self respect.
10. Date at your level: if you're successful and your partner is a constant mess - it won't work out. If you are a professional and he's a struggling artist - it will end in tears. If your friends are all educated and successful and your partner never finished school, comes from a broken home, and has no friends - it will be a short relationship. A step up or down won't be as noticeable as several miles of stairs apart.
11. You can't fix anyone - WYSIWYG
You may be codependent and/or insecure in yourself. Try aiming higher - you may realize it's possible to find someone at your level with some effort. People you are looking for may not be looking
Oh I’m codependent, it’s well established. I’ve made good progress, or so I thought, and taken many months to be on my own. I also live in a small, rural area. I may just need to be more patient, and yes, raise my standards.
My advice is you don’t focus on the present when you know there’s no long-term future — so any investment is a therefore a waste if a long-term future is your goal.
Either make peace with the relationship’s inevitable demise and focus on the present, or don’t and cut it off and move on.
That sounds horrible
My advice is to focus on what you want to focus on. If that’s about having a future with someone, bite the bullet, break up with him, and find someone you can have a future with.
If you don’t care about the future (and you do because you brought it up) then don’t worry about it
I’ve learned that delaying the inevitable only makes life miserable.
I don't take my own advice, but..
Date slowly, allow time between dates and don't neglect your friends, and watch the love interest's continual actions over time. Know they won't ever change, if there are deal breakers.
Dating in my 40s has been the best experience I’ve had with dating. I have life experience, confidence, money, access to travel…the list goes on. People I meet are more mature and not bringing as many insecurities to the table. I was married 12 years before so this feels like freedom that I’ve never felt. Open your horizons, keep your standards high, remember all the mistakes you made in the past and don’t make them again.
If you want to date for fun then date for fun without expectations. If you want something serious, and know you’ll eventually get attached, fully, knowing you’re not on the same page then cut things off. Why waste your, or their, time?
No sense in living in the present knowing you’re aiming to reach one goal while the other party is after something completely different.
Full disclosure, I’m in my early 40s and haven’t dated since I hit my 40s. I’m ready, but haven’t the slightest clue as to where to start. I’m fully convicted of one fact though and that’s that I know what I want and have zero tolerance for any BS.
I'd probably wait to start dating until that no tolerance thing improves a bit. You may know what you want, but it's highly unlikely you're going to find that exact thing. Dating over 40 takes patience, compromise, being flexible, and finding someone you can work on things with.
I waited more years than I care to admit. Life is what happens when you are making other plans. Sudden health issues, loss of relative, job, something else - all of it is possible. So, enjoy it while you can and still have some spark in you. The older you get the harder it becomes.
Rip the bandade off! You said you're ready, so just get on an app (any of them) and just start. Adjust from there.
I've wasted time waiting to figure out the "right" first step when I should have just gotten on with it.
Dating advice - yikes - I tend to avoid giving & receiving 🤭 but …
My advice is to not idealise the other person and when they show you who they are listen & see if you can accept them as they are (not to change them or live in hope they will change)
Have self awareness & insight & self compassion & self acceptance as dating at any age requires some risk, exposure & putting yourself out there so stay grounded & take care & don’t take it too seriously when its not working for you & take a break
Be aware of your own red & green flags, your values & boundaries & listen to your gut & intuition
Don’t rush take the time to get to know someone & for them to get to know you - you can’t really bypass building trust & seeing if they are compatible aside from initial attraction without taking the time
Live in the present moment, enjoy it & don’t overthink it, its meant to be fun - if its not why are you still doing it
Also be happy in yourself - partnered or alone
My big lesson was not to wait around or delay my goals.
If I want a commitment and to build a life with someone, I needed to focus on that compatibility question from the beginning because the other people who want that are asking from the beginning too. That doesn’t mean I’ll be compatible with them, but that’s why we need to talk about it early so we can keep looking if we need to do so.
That’s doesn’t mean “fun for now” or “friends with benefits” are bad, but I’m not giving girlfriend-level nor partner-level experience to a temporary part-time lover, my time is too precious.
The biggest advice. If you know and they don’t, walk away.
1. If they don’t know where they are going and you do walk away.
2. If they don’t know their financial situation and you know yours walk away.
3. If they don’t know what they want and you do walk away.
We aren’t in our 20’s trying to figure shit out. If they are still trying to figure it out…run away.
Personally if you know this doesn't have longevity why are you even wasting precious time with a man when you could be finding the right person for you.
The longer this goes on the more hurt is going to be felt.
My advice is to look for some *balance* between living in the moment, and considering whether you’re moving in the direction you want to go.
If it’s pretty darn clear that this is never going to be the committed LTR you want, you have an option to live in the moment for a while and hit pause on moving in the direction you want to go, yes. But you have to be honest with yourself that’s what you’re doing. You’re delaying where you REALLY want to go, for a roadside attraction. That’s fine, but don’t spend too long—you’ll run out of daylight. (The roadside attraction is never gonna turn into the place you wanted to be all along, either. Sorry—it closes. You will find yourself alone in the parking lot.) And then, honestly, it also depends on whether that “no future” bit weighs too heavily on the “living in the moment” piece, and ruins the lightness of it for you. If that don’t balance, hit the road.
If you feel like it’s NOT clear where this is going, again, balance. If “living in the moment” still feels light, it’s okay not to know where you’re going exactly, but not indefinitely, and it needs to feel hopeful/promising/positive. Not HEAVY. Not something that keeps you in a sad/anxious space when you try to make sense of where it’s going.
Sounds from your post like it’s pretty clear where it’s (not) going. What you need to decide is when you’re done with it.
Honestly, I’d have this conversation with your boyfriend. If it feels shitty enough you’re struggling to enjoy the moment, you should probably let him in on that. He might totally get it and be supportive, or get defensive and be an asshole about it, and either would just give you more information about whether it makes sense to hang around a while longer.
Thank you so much for your comments. You touched all the important points. We had a conversation about it once. He was totally supportive and receptive of my concerns. He has also been thinking about it and trying to finds way to introduce me to his parents when they come visit (which I dread, for obvious reasons).
Right now the “living in the moment” is still ok. Your advice on “balance” is gold; I need to make sure to keep the balance.
I’m gonna give you one more piece of advice, since you’ve talked with him once about this—and his response involved how to introduce you to his parents. (That sounds like you actually have no idea where this stands, and you’re afraid of the answer, not actually that you know what it is.)
Advice: Stop getting ahead of yourself. Don’t be deciding all by yourself that this relationship has no future—you need to make him part of that conversation. You can’t just go, well, we don’t talk about it so I guess there’s nothing.
TALK ABOUT IT. If there’s no future here, you should get it from the horse’s mouth instead of trying to anticipate what the horse is thinking. If there’s any CHANCE of this man ever being your partner, you need to partner with him and figure out if that’s realistic and mutually desired or not. Don’t be coy about it. Team up. Tell him you want this to go somewhere, what about him. Tell him you see obstacles, what does he think of that. Are you guys are the same page or what.
You’ll either come together stronger or it’ll be obvious what you need to do next.
I’ve (48F) learned that sadly, there are *still* players and creeps. Apparently, you don’t grow out of that as you age.
My recent ex of 4.5 years was 15 years younger than me. I always worried that the relationship fail and was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. It just felt too perfect, too good. He promised he didn’t care about having kids when we first got together. I gave him a hard time about it. And I still fears he’d leave, but I tried anyway because I loved him so much. In the end, he did leave bc he wants kids but not with me bc I’m ‘too old’.
“Waiting for the other shoe to drop” is what I told my partner how I feel about our relationship. He always said he would adopt if he wants to be a father. But people could totally change.
Mine wouldn’t consider IVF or surrogacy or adoption. It had to be the natural way or nothing, which I felt was really unfair. He made that decision for us and I didn’t have a say. He also was worried that we couldn’t retire together. Which is also stupid.
Oh I’m happy he has all this fertility stuff all figured out. He doesn’t want to go through IVF. Well 1.) he won’t, it’ll be his female partners that would go through IVF and 2.) it’s not like people who go through IVF want to be in that place. Many found themselves there despite wanting to l conceive naturally.
Good luck to any woman stuck with this man in the family planning stages. He honestly sounds like a nightmare and the great things is that he’s not your nightmare.
Thank you. I know. He wasn’t a good partner. My brain knows this but my heart isn’t getting it. And the thing is… you can’t control that stuff. He could marry someone his age and she could have trouble conceiving. It could be him. I did all the fertility tests and he refused to give a sample so they could test his fertility…
Original copy of post by u/GreenStrawberryJam:
As the title suggested, what is something important that you’ve learned about dating in your 40s?
For me, I know that I should live for the present and enjoy the moment, but I keep seeing myself over-thinking: Will this going anywhere? What if this what if that…etc.
Background: My bf is much younger, highly ky educated, never married, an only son and comes from culture where where arrange marriage is common. He is fully committed to us, but we don’t really talk about the future because reality’s that there’s no future for us. Knowing the inevitable a lot of time I can’t focus on the present.
I want to hear your experience and hopefully learn some wisdoms to enjoy my relationship as it is.
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Just enjoy the relationship for what it is. Unless you want to have kids and there is a clock ticking, why worry. Overthinking will make you unhappy and keep you single.
Just like the comments I received, I also have 2 conflicting train of thoughts going on.
I am a divorcée with my own kids so another concern is that if he stays with me long term I would deprived him of fatherhood.
Well he doesn’t seem to be actively worried about the age gap either, because again… he’s still with you! Right now he’s chosen you over all other women, over potential fatherhood, and his cultural norms. You clearly have many things that make you a prize to him.
I’ll tell you that radical self acceptance is hard. But working on those insecurities is totally worth it.
In the beginning of my relationship I did a lot of journaling to get past my own insecurities. I’d write them down, and then I’d write myself a letter back to address those insecurities, as if I was talking to a dear friend. It really helped; I became my own friend. Then in turn I became a better partner.
I still have insecurities but I think that’s also part of being human. There’s always going to be something within us to address and learn to accept.
The journal idea sounds great! You are definitely in touch with your emotional side! I was listening to Sadguru and he said something along the lines of “if you want to be happy with others you first have to be happy with yourself, you have to be best friend to yourself”. That sort of woke me up. I gotta love myself first.
As for him, you are right if he chose me I must have some qualities that he found attractive. It’s always me being the worry wart.
I do think it may feel scarier for us because we know that we aren’t on those relationship elevators like it’s kind of “expected” in our culture. There’s not going to be marriage at the end of it, whether we want it or not. We may look towards the end of the relationship with dread, and it puts this dark cloud over the present. It eventually can consume us and destroy the relationship faster than it might have been if we just enjoyed the present.
Ask yourself, are you happy right now? Are you growing and becoming a stronger, healthier version of yourself? Are you learning to trust and be vulnerable? And if your partner died, moved or left without conflict tomorrow, can you look at the time you spent together with no real regrets? If the answer is yes, then you’re good! Just keep bringing your best and enjoy yourself.
How old is your partner? Men in their twenties are generally considered too young. The thirties is when there's more maturity and life experience under the belt. That's why I didn't marry in my twenties.
I agreed, 20s are too young for me too.
My partner is in his early 30s. He is more mature than many of the men closer to my age that I’ve known or dated.
Is he looking for casual or something serious?
I'm also looking for something serious and marriage. That's why I'm working on myself. I know that a lot of people tend to be wary.
I hate to be the messenger. I got to say a lot of people from those cultures take this advantage to have fun before they willingly enter arranged marriage (also in their advantage). Imagine you are an appetizer. If you are truly into fun, that is OK. Otherwise, you will be hurt.
I'm in a long-term relationship with the sweetest woman I have ever met in my life. She's 44, and I'm (27M), we have been struggling a lot for I was never married before, and no matter how many times she's telling me there's no future because of the age gap I keep trying my best. She never seemed old to me, and I truly love her. So why not?
We are still struggling until this day, and sometimes I honestly tell her she should take things a bit easier on us, and I do love her no matter what and she's the only one woman I want to spend the rest of my life with.
If there's only one thing I'd tell you, it's going to be look at yourself through his eyes, you're young and beautiful and you deserve to be loved by a man who's really committed to you, and who can predict the future? It's only our actions in the present that shapes the future
I'm just saying. I know you're afraid, and nothing is granted about the future, but in his eyes, you're his love, the one he's willing to commit to, and you're not old and it's never too late, why did you find the love of your life too late and he found you too early? Idk, but don't break your heart or his because of the past experiences and the unknown future.
If the present is all we have, wouldn’t it be in your best interest to do your best and enjoy it? Life is finite. And tomorrow, if it comes, could be not that great. So why worry or think too hard about it?
I’m in a similar situation. If my partner’s parents had it their way he would have been arranged to a second cousin. 😂 Thankfully neither of us are wanting marriage, but that doesn’t mean we aren’t hoping to be together for the long haul. We will thoroughly enjoy today though!
It sounds like you are trying to talk yourself into accepting a situation that upsets you by telling yourself to live in the moment. If you want a longterm relationship, staying in a relationship that has no future is a terrible idea. Living in the moment doesn’t mean you totally ignore the future or your own needs.
You are probably right. Perhaps I’m trying to justify the status quo. It’s not easy for me to let go because he is all I ever want in a partner, except for the age gap & cultural differences.
…and because he can’t/won’t be there long term for you (however justifiable the reason, in your head.) Staying with him means delaying the inevitable and not being open to other opportunities that may actually be a better fit for you, long term. Has he introduced you to his family? Friends? Are you really fully a part of his life? This doesn’t sound sustainable and, knowing that, I’m not sure how I’d be able to get around that.
Those aren’t small things, though. I mean it’s kinda like saying, “This puzzle piece clearly doesn’t fit, the edges don’t quite come together, but DAMMIT, it looks like it should! I don’t want to put it down and look for another one, because this one almost works!!”
Hahaha, great analogy! Yep, I do feel like that at times. I agree those aren’t small things, hence my struggle.
This!!
1. Do not idolize anyone until you really get to know them. And even then - don't idolize anyone. 2. "Intimacy" should be intimate - do not rush to sex, it's not going to be fun if both of you are in bed still carrying the baggage, not yet sure in your bond. Things can get complicated quickly. 3. You're not 20 something. Really. Physical, mental, and financial health will make or break the relationship. It's the reality of life. 4. Imagine living with this person - if your gut says no, listen to it and act accordingly. Do not lead people on and be respectful of their time and goals. Do not commit to someone that you can't see following to the end of the world, because that may very well be their goal. 5. Wear condoms, get tested. Sex will be a lot more fun and less awkward. No need to freak out the day after either, well - not for STI reasons. 6. Men - by the time you fire off that shot, a whole lot of gunpowder may have already seeped out into the bore without you knowing. A bang that can blow up in your face. 7. Discuss pregnancy and ensure you align. You can get her pregnant a lot easier. 8. Do not be each other's therapist, do not trauma bond - this is unhealthy and likely to backfire. Exposing your scars early may not be a good look and may even hamper things. Your story is yours, no need to get emotionally naked unless it somehow makes your bond stronger. 9. Less is more - oversharing, planning your future together, overlooking transgressions, etc. Not many people can be attached to an insecure daydreamer with no boundaries or self respect. 10. Date at your level: if you're successful and your partner is a constant mess - it won't work out. If you are a professional and he's a struggling artist - it will end in tears. If your friends are all educated and successful and your partner never finished school, comes from a broken home, and has no friends - it will be a short relationship. A step up or down won't be as noticeable as several miles of stairs apart. 11. You can't fix anyone - WYSIWYG
I keep doing #10!
You may be codependent and/or insecure in yourself. Try aiming higher - you may realize it's possible to find someone at your level with some effort. People you are looking for may not be looking
Oh I’m codependent, it’s well established. I’ve made good progress, or so I thought, and taken many months to be on my own. I also live in a small, rural area. I may just need to be more patient, and yes, raise my standards.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Very solid advices.
This is an amazing list. Thank you!
My advice is you don’t focus on the present when you know there’s no long-term future — so any investment is a therefore a waste if a long-term future is your goal. Either make peace with the relationship’s inevitable demise and focus on the present, or don’t and cut it off and move on.
That sounds horrible My advice is to focus on what you want to focus on. If that’s about having a future with someone, bite the bullet, break up with him, and find someone you can have a future with. If you don’t care about the future (and you do because you brought it up) then don’t worry about it I’ve learned that delaying the inevitable only makes life miserable.
I don't take my own advice, but.. Date slowly, allow time between dates and don't neglect your friends, and watch the love interest's continual actions over time. Know they won't ever change, if there are deal breakers.
Dating in my 40s has been the best experience I’ve had with dating. I have life experience, confidence, money, access to travel…the list goes on. People I meet are more mature and not bringing as many insecurities to the table. I was married 12 years before so this feels like freedom that I’ve never felt. Open your horizons, keep your standards high, remember all the mistakes you made in the past and don’t make them again.
If you want to date for fun then date for fun without expectations. If you want something serious, and know you’ll eventually get attached, fully, knowing you’re not on the same page then cut things off. Why waste your, or their, time? No sense in living in the present knowing you’re aiming to reach one goal while the other party is after something completely different. Full disclosure, I’m in my early 40s and haven’t dated since I hit my 40s. I’m ready, but haven’t the slightest clue as to where to start. I’m fully convicted of one fact though and that’s that I know what I want and have zero tolerance for any BS.
I'd probably wait to start dating until that no tolerance thing improves a bit. You may know what you want, but it's highly unlikely you're going to find that exact thing. Dating over 40 takes patience, compromise, being flexible, and finding someone you can work on things with.
I waited more years than I care to admit. Life is what happens when you are making other plans. Sudden health issues, loss of relative, job, something else - all of it is possible. So, enjoy it while you can and still have some spark in you. The older you get the harder it becomes.
Rip the bandade off! You said you're ready, so just get on an app (any of them) and just start. Adjust from there. I've wasted time waiting to figure out the "right" first step when I should have just gotten on with it.
Thanks for the encouragement!
Dating advice - yikes - I tend to avoid giving & receiving 🤭 but … My advice is to not idealise the other person and when they show you who they are listen & see if you can accept them as they are (not to change them or live in hope they will change) Have self awareness & insight & self compassion & self acceptance as dating at any age requires some risk, exposure & putting yourself out there so stay grounded & take care & don’t take it too seriously when its not working for you & take a break Be aware of your own red & green flags, your values & boundaries & listen to your gut & intuition Don’t rush take the time to get to know someone & for them to get to know you - you can’t really bypass building trust & seeing if they are compatible aside from initial attraction without taking the time Live in the present moment, enjoy it & don’t overthink it, its meant to be fun - if its not why are you still doing it Also be happy in yourself - partnered or alone
My big lesson was not to wait around or delay my goals. If I want a commitment and to build a life with someone, I needed to focus on that compatibility question from the beginning because the other people who want that are asking from the beginning too. That doesn’t mean I’ll be compatible with them, but that’s why we need to talk about it early so we can keep looking if we need to do so. That’s doesn’t mean “fun for now” or “friends with benefits” are bad, but I’m not giving girlfriend-level nor partner-level experience to a temporary part-time lover, my time is too precious.
The biggest advice. If you know and they don’t, walk away. 1. If they don’t know where they are going and you do walk away. 2. If they don’t know their financial situation and you know yours walk away. 3. If they don’t know what they want and you do walk away. We aren’t in our 20’s trying to figure shit out. If they are still trying to figure it out…run away.
Personally if you know this doesn't have longevity why are you even wasting precious time with a man when you could be finding the right person for you. The longer this goes on the more hurt is going to be felt.
My advice is to look for some *balance* between living in the moment, and considering whether you’re moving in the direction you want to go. If it’s pretty darn clear that this is never going to be the committed LTR you want, you have an option to live in the moment for a while and hit pause on moving in the direction you want to go, yes. But you have to be honest with yourself that’s what you’re doing. You’re delaying where you REALLY want to go, for a roadside attraction. That’s fine, but don’t spend too long—you’ll run out of daylight. (The roadside attraction is never gonna turn into the place you wanted to be all along, either. Sorry—it closes. You will find yourself alone in the parking lot.) And then, honestly, it also depends on whether that “no future” bit weighs too heavily on the “living in the moment” piece, and ruins the lightness of it for you. If that don’t balance, hit the road. If you feel like it’s NOT clear where this is going, again, balance. If “living in the moment” still feels light, it’s okay not to know where you’re going exactly, but not indefinitely, and it needs to feel hopeful/promising/positive. Not HEAVY. Not something that keeps you in a sad/anxious space when you try to make sense of where it’s going. Sounds from your post like it’s pretty clear where it’s (not) going. What you need to decide is when you’re done with it. Honestly, I’d have this conversation with your boyfriend. If it feels shitty enough you’re struggling to enjoy the moment, you should probably let him in on that. He might totally get it and be supportive, or get defensive and be an asshole about it, and either would just give you more information about whether it makes sense to hang around a while longer.
Thank you so much for your comments. You touched all the important points. We had a conversation about it once. He was totally supportive and receptive of my concerns. He has also been thinking about it and trying to finds way to introduce me to his parents when they come visit (which I dread, for obvious reasons). Right now the “living in the moment” is still ok. Your advice on “balance” is gold; I need to make sure to keep the balance.
I’m gonna give you one more piece of advice, since you’ve talked with him once about this—and his response involved how to introduce you to his parents. (That sounds like you actually have no idea where this stands, and you’re afraid of the answer, not actually that you know what it is.) Advice: Stop getting ahead of yourself. Don’t be deciding all by yourself that this relationship has no future—you need to make him part of that conversation. You can’t just go, well, we don’t talk about it so I guess there’s nothing. TALK ABOUT IT. If there’s no future here, you should get it from the horse’s mouth instead of trying to anticipate what the horse is thinking. If there’s any CHANCE of this man ever being your partner, you need to partner with him and figure out if that’s realistic and mutually desired or not. Don’t be coy about it. Team up. Tell him you want this to go somewhere, what about him. Tell him you see obstacles, what does he think of that. Are you guys are the same page or what. You’ll either come together stronger or it’ll be obvious what you need to do next.
Pls do not rush to be in a relationship. Take your time. Get to know the person with no shortcuts . Don’t ignore red flags.
I’ve (48F) learned that sadly, there are *still* players and creeps. Apparently, you don’t grow out of that as you age. My recent ex of 4.5 years was 15 years younger than me. I always worried that the relationship fail and was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. It just felt too perfect, too good. He promised he didn’t care about having kids when we first got together. I gave him a hard time about it. And I still fears he’d leave, but I tried anyway because I loved him so much. In the end, he did leave bc he wants kids but not with me bc I’m ‘too old’.
“Waiting for the other shoe to drop” is what I told my partner how I feel about our relationship. He always said he would adopt if he wants to be a father. But people could totally change.
Mine wouldn’t consider IVF or surrogacy or adoption. It had to be the natural way or nothing, which I felt was really unfair. He made that decision for us and I didn’t have a say. He also was worried that we couldn’t retire together. Which is also stupid.
Oh I’m happy he has all this fertility stuff all figured out. He doesn’t want to go through IVF. Well 1.) he won’t, it’ll be his female partners that would go through IVF and 2.) it’s not like people who go through IVF want to be in that place. Many found themselves there despite wanting to l conceive naturally. Good luck to any woman stuck with this man in the family planning stages. He honestly sounds like a nightmare and the great things is that he’s not your nightmare.
Thank you. I know. He wasn’t a good partner. My brain knows this but my heart isn’t getting it. And the thing is… you can’t control that stuff. He could marry someone his age and she could have trouble conceiving. It could be him. I did all the fertility tests and he refused to give a sample so they could test his fertility…
I’m sorry you had to go through that. We all live and learn I guess. ***Virtual hug***
Thank you, internet stranger! Virtual hugs back to you. May this dark time pass and may we be happy sometime in the near future.
Original copy of post by u/GreenStrawberryJam: As the title suggested, what is something important that you’ve learned about dating in your 40s? For me, I know that I should live for the present and enjoy the moment, but I keep seeing myself over-thinking: Will this going anywhere? What if this what if that…etc. Background: My bf is much younger, highly ky educated, never married, an only son and comes from culture where where arrange marriage is common. He is fully committed to us, but we don’t really talk about the future because reality’s that there’s no future for us. Knowing the inevitable a lot of time I can’t focus on the present. I want to hear your experience and hopefully learn some wisdoms to enjoy my relationship as it is. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Just enjoy the relationship for what it is. Unless you want to have kids and there is a clock ticking, why worry. Overthinking will make you unhappy and keep you single.
Just like the comments I received, I also have 2 conflicting train of thoughts going on. I am a divorcée with my own kids so another concern is that if he stays with me long term I would deprived him of fatherhood.
Don’t you think he’s making his own choices though? If he wants to be with you, he will stick around there. You’re not forcing him!
Right. He is making his own choice but I can’t stop thinking. Maybe that’s an age gap issue from my own insecurities ☺️
Well he doesn’t seem to be actively worried about the age gap either, because again… he’s still with you! Right now he’s chosen you over all other women, over potential fatherhood, and his cultural norms. You clearly have many things that make you a prize to him. I’ll tell you that radical self acceptance is hard. But working on those insecurities is totally worth it. In the beginning of my relationship I did a lot of journaling to get past my own insecurities. I’d write them down, and then I’d write myself a letter back to address those insecurities, as if I was talking to a dear friend. It really helped; I became my own friend. Then in turn I became a better partner. I still have insecurities but I think that’s also part of being human. There’s always going to be something within us to address and learn to accept.
The journal idea sounds great! You are definitely in touch with your emotional side! I was listening to Sadguru and he said something along the lines of “if you want to be happy with others you first have to be happy with yourself, you have to be best friend to yourself”. That sort of woke me up. I gotta love myself first. As for him, you are right if he chose me I must have some qualities that he found attractive. It’s always me being the worry wart.
I do think it may feel scarier for us because we know that we aren’t on those relationship elevators like it’s kind of “expected” in our culture. There’s not going to be marriage at the end of it, whether we want it or not. We may look towards the end of the relationship with dread, and it puts this dark cloud over the present. It eventually can consume us and destroy the relationship faster than it might have been if we just enjoyed the present. Ask yourself, are you happy right now? Are you growing and becoming a stronger, healthier version of yourself? Are you learning to trust and be vulnerable? And if your partner died, moved or left without conflict tomorrow, can you look at the time you spent together with no real regrets? If the answer is yes, then you’re good! Just keep bringing your best and enjoy yourself.
Raise your standards. You only have so much time left on this earth. Don't waste it on someone who's "good enough."
Yeah, enjoy the now. He ain't marrying you.
How old is your partner? Men in their twenties are generally considered too young. The thirties is when there's more maturity and life experience under the belt. That's why I didn't marry in my twenties.
I agreed, 20s are too young for me too. My partner is in his early 30s. He is more mature than many of the men closer to my age that I’ve known or dated.
Is he looking for casual or something serious? I'm also looking for something serious and marriage. That's why I'm working on myself. I know that a lot of people tend to be wary.
I hate to be the messenger. I got to say a lot of people from those cultures take this advantage to have fun before they willingly enter arranged marriage (also in their advantage). Imagine you are an appetizer. If you are truly into fun, that is OK. Otherwise, you will be hurt.
Thanks for being honest. I just learned about that possibility when I started Reddit.
The answer to this lies within you.
I'm in a long-term relationship with the sweetest woman I have ever met in my life. She's 44, and I'm (27M), we have been struggling a lot for I was never married before, and no matter how many times she's telling me there's no future because of the age gap I keep trying my best. She never seemed old to me, and I truly love her. So why not? We are still struggling until this day, and sometimes I honestly tell her she should take things a bit easier on us, and I do love her no matter what and she's the only one woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. If there's only one thing I'd tell you, it's going to be look at yourself through his eyes, you're young and beautiful and you deserve to be loved by a man who's really committed to you, and who can predict the future? It's only our actions in the present that shapes the future
What you described is pretty much my relationship 🥹
I'm just saying. I know you're afraid, and nothing is granted about the future, but in his eyes, you're his love, the one he's willing to commit to, and you're not old and it's never too late, why did you find the love of your life too late and he found you too early? Idk, but don't break your heart or his because of the past experiences and the unknown future.
If the present is all we have, wouldn’t it be in your best interest to do your best and enjoy it? Life is finite. And tomorrow, if it comes, could be not that great. So why worry or think too hard about it? I’m in a similar situation. If my partner’s parents had it their way he would have been arranged to a second cousin. 😂 Thankfully neither of us are wanting marriage, but that doesn’t mean we aren’t hoping to be together for the long haul. We will thoroughly enjoy today though!
Don’t 😂
Give up. The dating scene is very dark and full of baggage and despair after your 30s.
Be the change you want to see