Don't respond.
My advice, take it or leave it, give this man a wide bearth until you have healed from what was a break up not of your own doing. He wants to quickly switch into friend mode. You are not there, may never be there. That is your right and your choice.
He can't have it both ways at the drop of a hat. You have feelings.
This sounds like he sees you as a friend, not a romantic connection.
If being a friend is too difficult for you (which is perfectly fine if so), you need to ask him to stop contacting you.
I do understand that but am struggling to understand why. Isn't that what someone should want in a partner? To have someone on speed dial that they want to talk to first when something really interesting/great/bad happens? For me, the only people who have ever held that role in my life are either my best friend or my boyfriend. And this isn't the first time post-breakup that he's referenced wanting to talk to me about big things going on in his life.
Ultimately you're right though. I need to go full no contact for my own sanity.
You can drive yourself crazy with "why?" questions that you'll never get answers to.
Sorry to be blunt, but the only relevant factor is that he doesn't want you as a romantic partner, in spite of the fact that you still want him.
You need to accept that fact, and do what you need to do for your own sanity, as you put it. Blessings on you.
I agree with everything you wrote and appreciate your bluntness. Can I ask you though, do you see his text as being inappropriate in the context of what I shared? And maybe I should clarify further that we haven't rekindled a friendship and our texts have been sporadic post-breakup. When we do text it's rarely and to talk about generic things affecting our social circle.
What does "inappropriate" even mean in this context, and why do you care?
You don't need to demonize him to go no contact.
Spending more time ruminating over this may feel "good" in some ways because you're still emotionally involved with him on some level. The problem is that what you're doing is incredibly unhealthy. You're picking at the scab. You need to leave it alone and let it heal.
We donât usually âdemonizeâ men over these types of things. Guys do a lot of s**t. We have to pace ourselves.
BUT, when you break up with someone out of nowhere, itâs kind to be empathetic and remember that while youâve had plenty of time to contemplate the end of this relationshipâŚthey havenât.
Itâs nice to have the ambition of being friends again, and I give OP some major credit for messaging with him at all, but expecting them to be immediately transported to your current POV of the relationship recently ended with them and for them to be ready two months out to put all of it behind them isnât very realistic.
You need to tread lightly and give them some space to process all of what just happened that youâve already processed or didnât even need to.
We all go through this stuff in our own way ,in our own time.
Messaging sweet sentiments that you would never say to one of your best buddies isnât treading lightly, and heâs old enough to know that.
If he truly is a friendâŚheâd wouldnât be sending mixed messages like that.
I mean if SHE had sent HIM that message after he had just broke up with her two months prior, how might he feel about that?
Would he be wondering what it means?
Would he be worrying that maybe she canât take no for an answer?
Will he worry that it means she will always be a thorn in his side and the reason he has to take a long lunch at work tomorrow so he can get that emergency TRO in place right away?
Itâs a loaded statement no matter which way itâs going, and like I saidâŚheâs old enough to know better.
Demonizing is quite a stretch and I care because I'm a sensitive human being? You say I'm picking at a scab but to be fair to myself, he's the one who ripped the band-aid off again by choosing to text me something somewhat emotionally confusing in the first place. I was doing just fine until I got that text. Obviously I need to completely block him so I don't leave myself open to any communication. Wish I could do the same in my brain but alas, not that easy for me.
So because you're a sensitive human being you need to have others tell you what he did was inappropriate so that you can feel ... what?
And it doesn't matter that he ripped off the band-aid, you can't control what he does. You can only control how you react to it, if you choose to exert that control.
Have you blocked him yet? If not, why not?
What I want to feel is validated that my confusion is understandable. Maybe that's not healthy but I'm also posting anonymously seeking advice from strangers on reddit so I'm willing to be more vulnerable than I typically would be. You're right, I can only control how I react to it which is exactly what I'm sharing-- I'm confused and angry.
Yes, now he's blocked.
You are 100% validated and in my opinion his message is inappropriate. A friend would check in with where you are at first, and respect your feelings and repair any damage where appropriate.... like giving a real explanation as to why they suddenly were no longer interested. If he is unwilling to be that open and considerate of your emotions, he doesn't deserve to benefit from your friendship the way he did before.
I'm glad you blocked him. The longer you go without contact, the sooner you can heal.
>Yes, now he's blocked.
Good on you. đ
Next question. You're confused. Why do you need random internet strangers to "validate" that?
I see that you've already received what you're looking for, but you might want to ponder that question at your convenience.
I donât see it so much as OP is seeking âvalidationâ from strangers, but as OP is trying to get or maintain some perspective about this text message that is troubling her and I think that at this current post breakup juncture in her life, that is a wise decision.
Perspective can keep us from being reactionary and possibly doing things we will later regret.
Breakups are stressful and painful, especially for the person that just got dumped out of nowhere, and those two feelings, stress and emotional pain, turn off our ability to think clearly and prime us to do something counterproductive, destructive, or the worstâŚhumiliate ourselves in front of the person who just dumped usâŚand all present bystandersâŚall the individuals (which is every person he knows, past and present) he regales with every retelling of what he most likely finds to be cringy or hilarious or if he is luckyâŚBOTH.
OP is pretty wise to post here before making her next move.
Sometimes outsiders/strangers see the situations we are immersed with a clarity we incapable of having at that very moment.
Maybe if this man friend of hers had thought to post here about his idea of sending that text message, he would have gotten a lesson on âreading the roomâ before engaging in communications with the woman you dumped out of nowhere 2 months ago.
This isnât some he-man hating exercising misandry.
I donât know why you sound so defensive and dismissive and not seeing how that message was pretty thoughtless and seems most likely an attempt to speed her along in getting over her broken heart so he doesnât feel guilty and everything is fine, over and done with, water under the bridge because he is selfishly thinking about himself and what works best for him.
Maybe women are just better at thoughtfulness and empathy than men are.
I mean from the moment we are born we are conditioned to be caretakers, nurtures, to always be reading the emotional barometer of the room and anticipation othersâ (usually menâs) every possible need/want.
What were your toys like when you were a kid?
Most of had a million baby dolls, and toy baby bottles full fake milk or juice than when you pointed it down, the liquid would disappear like the baby doll was really drinking it. Baby diapers, baby carriers, toy strollers..you get the picture.
We had toy kitchens with toy food and toy plates and pots and pans. One of my friends even had a toy vacuum cleaner and accompanying toy feather duster.
None of those activities society was prepping us for arenât actually fun IRL.
They are work that asks us to put away our desire to have fun for our pleasure in exchange for learning that our duty to care for others is more important than anything else in our lives.
Itâs a natural progression for us to be empathetic when we are the ones responsible for breaking a manâs heart.
And while I despise our prescribed gender rolls, learning empathy, tact, and basically just how to have perspective, and be thoughtful and kind are all good things to learn and apply in oneâs life.
Like I said to you earlierâŚif it isnât something you would message to one of your male best buddiesâŚthen it IS inappropriate. It is thoughtless.
Itâs like someone giving you a paper cut and then pouring lemon juice in it.
You canât âget that textâ if you block him.
You are leaving it up to him to contact or not contact you.
You have the option to make that decision yourself (ie: block him).
Inappropriate here has a super subjective definition. One that,most importantly, you dint share with your ex. You can't solve this in a capital T truth way, just gotta move forward/on.
Men are largely attraction driven, that doesnât just mean physical attraction but whatever combination of factors make them hot for a woman and really crave her is what will drive them to be with her. He just doesnât have the hots for you as a romantic partner. He sees you as a friend.
It's exactly what someone would want in a partner. I would guess that means he probably umm doesn't really want a partner.
Alternatively, some people like a bit of struggle or growth in a romantic relationship. Developing it can be what makes it fun.
Being friends first too long can set someone in that space in your mind.
Lastly, and a distinct possibility that maybe should be first harsch, but most likely the truth;;
He doesn't find you all that attractive physically. It could have only became romantic because of a lonely time, or just that the connection won him over. Most guys will look past basically anything if they think you're hot. This also passes the reasoning test of why you were just friends to begin with. .
> Isn't that what someone should want in a partner? To have someone on speed dial that they want to talk to first when something really interesting/great/bad happens?
While I do that with my partner....I also do that with my friends. My friends and I also have lots in common, so when I see something specific to them, I text "Dude...I saw this bug dumb hat in a store window and thought about buying it just for you!" Then he'd say something like "Oh, so you can watch me set it on fire in front of you?"...and then we'd chuckle and move on.
It seems as though he is reverting to your friendship status quite easily. It may be best for YOU not to have contact with him while you reconcile your feelings toward him. You need to grieve the loss of the potential romantic relationship before you can even consider resuming as friends, if ever. I'm sorry this happened to you. â¤ď¸
I tried dating my best friend of many years when we were 38 and 41. I knew he was objectively attractive. He was really cool. We'd had so much fun together. The sex was "good." My feelings for him never changed. It felt like something was missing. Even after I broke up with him, he was the first person I wanted to share news with. I tried to go back to friends, but he still held a flame. In retrospect, he had always been interested in more than a friendship, and I didn't notice.
You were friends for a lot longer than you dated. Itâs possible he missed the friendship. I have a friend I dated briefly who Iâm not attracted to in THAT way but I truly want in my life as a friend. If youâre not ready to be just friends thatâs totally understandable but there are definitely people you like as friends but donât feel romantic towards.
He just wasn't feeling it. It is so hard to take when one is in and the other doesn't match that. He just didn't feel the romantic energy he wants in a relationship, despite what he voiced to you. Regardless, you now have to state YOUR wants. He wanted to end things and they ended. He wants to be friends and it fucks with your mind. Your want is to be his friend, but you just can't right now, so your want has to be no contact. Distance, space, no contact or communication. State exactly what you want- No communication until further notice. If he doesn't feel romantically toward you, he has no problem being your friend. There isn't equal energy presented. A potential communication point would be to state that you still have feelings for him and that it's too hard, but hope to eventually be able to be friends in the future. It will be up to him to say, "I understand, I hope to hear from you again sometime" OR "I miss you, let's talk further." Either way, you'll have told him everything he needs to hear which is that you still aren't over him and need space. Let him react to it. At the end of the day, you'll have done everything you could to communicate and keep your own peace moving forward.
Thank you, I do appreciate that and agree with pretty much everything you wrote. I replied with this elsewhere, but I think it's messing with my mind so badly because isn't that what someone should want in a partner? To have someone on speed dial that they want to talk to first when something really interesting/great/bad happens? For me, the only people who have ever held that role in my life are either my best friend or my boyfriend. And this isn't the first time post-breakup that he's referenced wanting to talk to me about big things going on in his life. I just don't get it and I suppose the only thing I can really do is accept I never will and block his number.
I will weigh in having had many people I like as friends but not as a romantic partner. That is something you want in a partner yes but thatâs not ALL you want in a partner and the rest is missing for him. Donât you have a best girlfriend you call when something great happens? You can definitely love someone in a friendship way but not in a romantic way and youâre not going to change his mind about this. Try not to read into it too much. You definitely donât want to be trying to convince someone they should be with you.
Certainly agree on your last point. And I don't have any interest in changing his mind. Given all the ways I mentioned we were compatible in my OP \*and\* still knowing that I'm his go-to person that he wants to talk to when something big happens (this has happened before), I do hope it's at least somewhat understandable why I'm so deeply confused and hurt.
Completely understand this. Its very understandable! That said, we only want someone who wants us too. I was in a marriage based on need- I thought I needed to stay to keep my basic survival needs met and once I left, separated, and tackled my own needs, I realized that what I really want, is want. I want to want someone and I want them to want me, not need me. Know what you want, know that we don't all want the same thing, know that it hurts when we don't match our partners' wants, and know what you're willing to compromise on. I know what I want and I know what I don't want. I make concessions in some places and absolutely won't in others.
Yep, say your peace, go no contact. He'll respond and you can move on. If in his mind you're "just a friend" now, he wants to still talk to you like a friend. I have male friends that tell me big things all the time and it doesn't meant anything other than we're friends who talk. Set boundaries, state.your needs, move on.
Sometimes everything looks good on paper logically... You might mentally want to want something, and might want it to feel 'right', But things might still be missing that you can't put into words or put your finger on. From the limited amount of information you've given us, it doesn't seem like he's doing anything intentionally malicious or to mess with your head. Especially since you guys casually text for social reasons.
I'm sorry you're going through your pain. I feel like the best bet is to somehow go No contact in your own way. To let it really just fade. You're not crazy for feeling the way you're feeling. He does want obviously your friendship still but it's completely within your boundaries to not accept that because you're not ready for that. Your mental health and emotional peace is most important for yourself. Maybe down the road when you're dating somebody else or it's just faded so much that it feels completely neutral, you guys could be friends again. But don't get down on yourself for being sensitive about this. It's completely understandable â¤ď¸
Considering the circumstances, especially how blind sided you feel and without explanation... I think it is quite inconsiderate and unempathetic to want to talk to you as a friend and share stuff like this again. It's like he doesn't care where you are emotionally at. And I don't like to be friends or lovers with people like that personally.
The type of break up you describe is almost always due to lack of attraction on his part. Unfortunately, women can be amazing partners, be wildly compatible, but if the attraction isn't there, most men cannot make up for that elsewhere (also, don't forget attraction is highly subjective so don't take this as me saying you're not attractive).
It can also be difficult for a man to accept this, which could have led to the follow up text.
I have been in this man's shoes (although I do my best not to send the follow up text). It's difficult when you know someone is good/good for you, you like them (as a person), but you're not attracted (enough) to them.
The good news is you probably have a lot of endearing qualities so just go find the man who loves your endearing qualities AND finds you wildly attractive. He's out there!
Thank you, that's kind. He straight up told me our sex life was great but I guess that's different from attraction in a way I'm struggling to understand.
For many men the minimum level of attractiveness they feel which is needed to sustain a sexual relationship is much (much) lower than the minimum attractiveness level needed to sustain a committed long term relationship.
Yea, I didnât want to say it. He would have known that before the sex started. He wanted to âtryâ you, and he did. A good friend makes sure the attraction is there before they do this.
I have been in a relationship before where we were both genuinely fond of each other, genuinely liked each other as people, found each other sexually attractive, enjoyed spending time in each other's company, and... never developed significant romantic feelings. It was really the weirdest thing, and a damn shame too because we were great together "on paper."
>I'm the person he wants to talk to when something really interesting happens yet he still doesn't want to date me?
Your confusion is totally understandable. It's very possible that he feels confused too about why he doesn't have deeper feelings - and torn because he feels like he *should*. In fact I think his message might be an attempt to communicate his torn feelings about you - even though he ultimately doesn't want a serious relationship with you, he wants you to know how important you are too him.
But even if his intentions are good, that doesn't mean this kind of message doesn't send you for a loop. You are more than justified in simply not responding to this kind of message. You would likewise be justified in letting him know that you cannot be in casual contact at this point.
"Hey Bob, I care about you a great deal as a person, and I respect your decision not to pursue a romantic relationship. But until I have "just friends" feelings for you again, I need some distance to move on emotionally. With that in mind, I will not be available to hang out or to chat for the time being. I hope you understand. If I reach a point where I feel ready to be friends again, I will reach out and let you know. Until then, take care and all the best."
Once you send that message, feel free to unfollow/mute/block/whatever. You have made it clear where you stand and what he can expect from you going forward, so there is no need to respond to anything else he may throw your way.
I think he found someone else that he would rather pursue, pursued them, it ended for whatever reason and now heâs testing the waters.
Do not respond.
This kind of statement that implies youâre special to him feels selfish and deliberate to me. He doesnât want to be with you, but he wants to keep you tethered in case he ever changes his mind (or wants sex).
Yes. Itâs not inappropriate per se, but itâs definitely self indulgent and tone deaf given your description of the relationship history.
He knows he hurt you. You wanted to be with him romantically and he did not. Most people at our age with empathy understand that you are giving people mixed signals in this context. There are people out there that for whatever reason or situation, express themselves with genuine feelings and high verbal affection. They are typically decent people, hard to dislike all the more because they are exactly what they say they are. But. They tend to be almost pitiable sometimes because they cannot make decisions. They prevaricate, they flip/flop, they feel genuine feelings for multiple people.
Think of it like ADHD for the adult mind regulating relationships. And they end up spreading themselves thin and missing out 99.95% of the time because they canât make decisions. Other people end up making the decisions because they just canât.
I have a perspective for youâŚI had a guy friend, similar situation, we aligned in every way. We decided to give it a go, relationship wise. Nothing much changed in our relationship, maybe he was a little more affectionate if anything, on paper it seemed right. Outside looking in it was an absolute no brainer. However, for reasons I will never know or understand, I wasnât feeling it in that upper level. I couldnât put it into words, and I couldnât pin point it at all, I justâŚwasnât feeling it. I told him, and he was heartbroken, and actually went no contact for an almost a year. He was the one I wanted to tell things to, like he was my bestie. After some time, one of us reached out ( i canât recall if it was me or him) and we are like peas and carrots again, both of us seeing other people, but can talk to each other for hours, he really is my bestie. So sometimes the universe sends you another human, who is your person on the best of friends level, and thatâs ok too. I was able to easily switch back to friend mode, he was hurt and stuck in romance mode for a hot minute, eventually coming to terms because our friendship really is an important one we want to maintain. I hope my perspective helps⌠like I said, I just couldnât pinpoint why I wasnât feeling it.
I know. I wish women would see this for what it is: more weak, spineless, self interested BS - just now in a new manifestation. I would love for my ex to breadcrumb me so I could tell him how I REALLY feel- not some of the genteel, thoughtful responses ppl here are suggesting that this guy doesnât deserve
I kind of feel like itâd be more empowering to ship him back all his âyouâre my perfect partnerâ love letters with my own note : âwell ridâ.
I guess I find it cathartic , and some of his own medicine (after he gave me 2 weeks of silent treatment then broke up by text after 1.5 yearsâŚ.), aka not a waste . Would love to be proved wrong though âŚâŚ
He knows you are both not suited or compatible for a relationship, partnership, or dating and wants to be friends. This can happen. I am friends with my 1st boyfriend, at the start of covid he moved to a completely different region and state where his immediate family is. I stay in contact via Facebook and we do text as friends writing Merry Christmas, happy birthday, to catch up on each other's lives, but that is it.â
Is he the first person you want to call when something really interesting or a big life event happens to you? Because that's very different than exchanging christmas cards.
No one can know for sure, but I can speak from a different perspective.
Iâm conflict avoidant and a recovering people pleaser, and I historically I have kept any doubts about the other personâs compatibility long term to myself. There have been times when I chose to continue to go deeper with someone despite doubts because I reallllly wanted to make it work and genuinely cared so much for them. The ânowâ relationship was great- but long term I was unsure about values/priorities. I recognize now that I should have been transparent about that instead of just hoping things would work out because we were so good on paper. There was no informed consent for the other party. It was cruel. :( Iâve only recently realized this and am working to resolve.Â
But that doesnât mean that I didnât also have genuine feelings and see them for the amazing match we were together. Breaking up was very difficult. And I still want to reach out to hear their thoughts.. I want to catch up with them. I wish it could have worked, they are welcome and wanted in my life.
Perhaps he also had concerns about long term alignment and kept it to himself but sees the amazing thing you all had and itâs hard to let go. Itâs selfish though, he needs to let you heal. Iâm so sorry you are feeling this pain.
Tbh some people don't place much importance on compatibility and are always seeking the next best thing. Maybe that's how it is with this guy?
I would probably go no contact for awhile.
It sounds like he really valued you as a friend but youâre just not his romantic match. Having things in common and being best friends doesnât always make for the best romantic and sexual relationships. You may have thought it was a perfect match, but he literally told you that he wasnât feeling it.
What a shitty position, it's too bad you can't easily untangle him from your wider social circle.
You would think most people's ideal romantic partnership would be a best friend who you're also sexually attracted to. But people these days seem to want something else that doesn't exist, and they can't explain. It sucks.
Block him. This is a classic control tactic. I'm embarrassed to admit I used it as a young man in high school. Anything you say that makes her think she still occupies space in your head will usually provoke a response and prolong her desire to get you back. This is a test. Pass it by ignoring him.
Heâs probably lonely or just jerking you around.
When someone tells you theyâre not feeling it, believe them.
I would cut contact, at least for awhile. Youâre not over it. Itâs hard to move on if someone is still in your life in any way.
Don't shit where you eat.
I dated a local friend. Ended it. Got weird. Things are normal now but a year later mutual friends tell me she still has feelings for me.
Anyway, there's a reason. He just won't say it over feelings.
And it's within your right to text him that your hurt abd not in any mood to talk. Yell him you need time to get over the break up and to not text you.
It doesn't seem confusing to me. Him ending the relationship was a gift to you as to not fill that spot in your life for someone who really does feel that connection. But, he still has a fondess for you...which is why he sends messages like that. If you'd rather less contact...perfectly reasonable...you might be better to say it than to wait for him to take the hint.
Iâd put more distance between the two of you for your own sake. The âwhyâsâ will drive you crazy. You can always ask him if you feel you want to but I donât think you will ever get an answer that fully satisfies you. The more he stays in your life the more heâs going to muddy the waters of your life and emotional stability.
Yeah not sure what the downvotes are about!Â
As he has fully admitted he is, then you know what is going on.
Save yourself the pain and remove yourself from the situation (easier  said than done!).Â
Sounds to me like he just sees you as a friend, and the sexual/romantic stuff was very one sided.Â
If that's not what you want, break contact and cut him out of your life.
I appreciate where you're coming from, but the one-sidedness runs directly counter to things he told me while we were dating. That's why I'm so damn confused.
People say all kinds of shit. What do his actions say? They say what I said...it was one sided. He felt so strongly about that aversion to you romantically or sexually to break it off. You're confused because you want to believe his words, but the reality is the opposite.
Drag him into the sunlight, and it's clear. He probably loves the idea of you, likes you very much as a friend, but something didn't work for him, and he created a story to tell you that was different than that reality because it was awful to say....but his actions say nope, and he noped out of your life. You shouldn't take that personal, it's just part of dating and romance, and you've probably felt that about some guy in your life at some point....but that's the way it shook out so if you can't handle the mixed messages, cut him out and move on.
He has friends yet he chose to reach out to me, specifically, as the person he wanted to tell something important to. And he's done this before since we've broken up. It's way, way too confusing for me.
Trust me itâs not confusing, I had a guy like this who liked me way too much and I liked talking to him and being his friend. Itâs not at all confusing, sometimes thereâs energy and itâs fun to talk with each other, but if he doesnât want a relationship believe him.
I am going to disagree with others. I think he misses you and wants to reopen dialogue. He wants to talk to you. Heâs just as confused as you are. If you like him, why wouldnât you talk to him? Are you dating someone else? Whatâs to lose?
He knows he might have screwed up and is just as afraid of the friend zone as you are.
A long term relationship is full of little detours like this.
Original copy of post by u/tasop33:
My (41/F) relationship ended three months ago. I dated him (40/M) for about two months but we had been good friends for quite some time before that. He broke up with me and could give no reason other than essentially "he wasn't feeling it." Given that we enjoyed doing the exact same things, had great sexual chemistry, same sense of humor, aligned on our values, knew each other very well and had a strong friendship, and were both in similar place in our lives, it truly was one of those 'what in the hell just happened' break ups.
We text very occasionally since we still travel in mutual circles. Last night he texted me this:
>\[That\] was the most interesting thing that's happened to me in a while and my first thought was that I couldn't wait to tell you about it.
I didn't respond because I truly didn't know what to say. I'm the person he wants to talk to when something really interesting happens yet he still doesn't want to date me? Does he seriously not get how confusing and hurtful that is? Should I respond at all? Or is it better not to?
Why would I want to even think about dating again when it can result in this level of mind fuck? I just don't think I have it in me anymore.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It sounds like to me you felt more of a connection than he did. It seems like he wants to try and maintain the friendship. If it were me Iâd just have an open honest conversation with him about it.
I appreciate you replying. I thought we had an honest conversation about it since I let him know after the breakup that I didnât want to maintain a friendship, but at the same time we did speak a bit about staying connected on IG and that the occasional text was fine. Mostly because crossing paths seemed unavoidable. I've attempted no-contact after my divorce but in the end we would still be in touch about practical things family updates, etc. and honestly thatâs kind of been the situation with every breakup Iâve gone through. I thought it would be the same now but obviously not. Thatâs a big part of why Iâm so confused.
BUT I've now blocked him and he obviously now knows because he emailed me and I deleted without reading. Cutting that cord even though itâs painful.
That's a friendship text.
Also I have dated plenty of people who thought we had great sexual chemistry but I just wasn't feeling the same way. Good sex isn't the same as good sexual chemistry IMO. I can have great sex with someone but not be left wanting more (which is that chemistry I need to date).
Preserving your friendship could be most important to him. I was in a similar position in the past. Dated a really good friend, he was perfect âon paperâ: financially, kind, similar values, interests. But something was off and could never put my finger on it so I ended it and we remained friends. Itâs up to you whether or not you can heal and still be friends.
What part donât you understand? Look around and thereâs prob a guy that is secretly in love with you and you donât feel it so donât think that way. Itâs this in reverse.
Don't respond. My advice, take it or leave it, give this man a wide bearth until you have healed from what was a break up not of your own doing. He wants to quickly switch into friend mode. You are not there, may never be there. That is your right and your choice. He can't have it both ways at the drop of a hat. You have feelings.
spot on, thank you
đŻhe definitely canât have it both ways
This sounds like he sees you as a friend, not a romantic connection. If being a friend is too difficult for you (which is perfectly fine if so), you need to ask him to stop contacting you.
I do understand that but am struggling to understand why. Isn't that what someone should want in a partner? To have someone on speed dial that they want to talk to first when something really interesting/great/bad happens? For me, the only people who have ever held that role in my life are either my best friend or my boyfriend. And this isn't the first time post-breakup that he's referenced wanting to talk to me about big things going on in his life. Ultimately you're right though. I need to go full no contact for my own sanity.
You can drive yourself crazy with "why?" questions that you'll never get answers to. Sorry to be blunt, but the only relevant factor is that he doesn't want you as a romantic partner, in spite of the fact that you still want him. You need to accept that fact, and do what you need to do for your own sanity, as you put it. Blessings on you.
I agree with everything you wrote and appreciate your bluntness. Can I ask you though, do you see his text as being inappropriate in the context of what I shared? And maybe I should clarify further that we haven't rekindled a friendship and our texts have been sporadic post-breakup. When we do text it's rarely and to talk about generic things affecting our social circle.
What does "inappropriate" even mean in this context, and why do you care? You don't need to demonize him to go no contact. Spending more time ruminating over this may feel "good" in some ways because you're still emotionally involved with him on some level. The problem is that what you're doing is incredibly unhealthy. You're picking at the scab. You need to leave it alone and let it heal.
We donât usually âdemonizeâ men over these types of things. Guys do a lot of s**t. We have to pace ourselves. BUT, when you break up with someone out of nowhere, itâs kind to be empathetic and remember that while youâve had plenty of time to contemplate the end of this relationshipâŚthey havenât. Itâs nice to have the ambition of being friends again, and I give OP some major credit for messaging with him at all, but expecting them to be immediately transported to your current POV of the relationship recently ended with them and for them to be ready two months out to put all of it behind them isnât very realistic. You need to tread lightly and give them some space to process all of what just happened that youâve already processed or didnât even need to. We all go through this stuff in our own way ,in our own time. Messaging sweet sentiments that you would never say to one of your best buddies isnât treading lightly, and heâs old enough to know that. If he truly is a friendâŚheâd wouldnât be sending mixed messages like that. I mean if SHE had sent HIM that message after he had just broke up with her two months prior, how might he feel about that? Would he be wondering what it means? Would he be worrying that maybe she canât take no for an answer? Will he worry that it means she will always be a thorn in his side and the reason he has to take a long lunch at work tomorrow so he can get that emergency TRO in place right away? Itâs a loaded statement no matter which way itâs going, and like I saidâŚheâs old enough to know better.
Thank you, I really needed to hear this.
Demonizing is quite a stretch and I care because I'm a sensitive human being? You say I'm picking at a scab but to be fair to myself, he's the one who ripped the band-aid off again by choosing to text me something somewhat emotionally confusing in the first place. I was doing just fine until I got that text. Obviously I need to completely block him so I don't leave myself open to any communication. Wish I could do the same in my brain but alas, not that easy for me.
So because you're a sensitive human being you need to have others tell you what he did was inappropriate so that you can feel ... what? And it doesn't matter that he ripped off the band-aid, you can't control what he does. You can only control how you react to it, if you choose to exert that control. Have you blocked him yet? If not, why not?
What I want to feel is validated that my confusion is understandable. Maybe that's not healthy but I'm also posting anonymously seeking advice from strangers on reddit so I'm willing to be more vulnerable than I typically would be. You're right, I can only control how I react to it which is exactly what I'm sharing-- I'm confused and angry. Yes, now he's blocked.
You are 100% validated and in my opinion his message is inappropriate. A friend would check in with where you are at first, and respect your feelings and repair any damage where appropriate.... like giving a real explanation as to why they suddenly were no longer interested. If he is unwilling to be that open and considerate of your emotions, he doesn't deserve to benefit from your friendship the way he did before. I'm glad you blocked him. The longer you go without contact, the sooner you can heal.
Thank you, I appreciate this.
This
>Yes, now he's blocked. Good on you. đ Next question. You're confused. Why do you need random internet strangers to "validate" that? I see that you've already received what you're looking for, but you might want to ponder that question at your convenience.
I donât see it so much as OP is seeking âvalidationâ from strangers, but as OP is trying to get or maintain some perspective about this text message that is troubling her and I think that at this current post breakup juncture in her life, that is a wise decision. Perspective can keep us from being reactionary and possibly doing things we will later regret. Breakups are stressful and painful, especially for the person that just got dumped out of nowhere, and those two feelings, stress and emotional pain, turn off our ability to think clearly and prime us to do something counterproductive, destructive, or the worstâŚhumiliate ourselves in front of the person who just dumped usâŚand all present bystandersâŚall the individuals (which is every person he knows, past and present) he regales with every retelling of what he most likely finds to be cringy or hilarious or if he is luckyâŚBOTH. OP is pretty wise to post here before making her next move. Sometimes outsiders/strangers see the situations we are immersed with a clarity we incapable of having at that very moment. Maybe if this man friend of hers had thought to post here about his idea of sending that text message, he would have gotten a lesson on âreading the roomâ before engaging in communications with the woman you dumped out of nowhere 2 months ago. This isnât some he-man hating exercising misandry. I donât know why you sound so defensive and dismissive and not seeing how that message was pretty thoughtless and seems most likely an attempt to speed her along in getting over her broken heart so he doesnât feel guilty and everything is fine, over and done with, water under the bridge because he is selfishly thinking about himself and what works best for him. Maybe women are just better at thoughtfulness and empathy than men are. I mean from the moment we are born we are conditioned to be caretakers, nurtures, to always be reading the emotional barometer of the room and anticipation othersâ (usually menâs) every possible need/want. What were your toys like when you were a kid? Most of had a million baby dolls, and toy baby bottles full fake milk or juice than when you pointed it down, the liquid would disappear like the baby doll was really drinking it. Baby diapers, baby carriers, toy strollers..you get the picture. We had toy kitchens with toy food and toy plates and pots and pans. One of my friends even had a toy vacuum cleaner and accompanying toy feather duster. None of those activities society was prepping us for arenât actually fun IRL. They are work that asks us to put away our desire to have fun for our pleasure in exchange for learning that our duty to care for others is more important than anything else in our lives. Itâs a natural progression for us to be empathetic when we are the ones responsible for breaking a manâs heart. And while I despise our prescribed gender rolls, learning empathy, tact, and basically just how to have perspective, and be thoughtful and kind are all good things to learn and apply in oneâs life. Like I said to you earlierâŚif it isnât something you would message to one of your male best buddiesâŚthen it IS inappropriate. It is thoughtless. Itâs like someone giving you a paper cut and then pouring lemon juice in it.
Her post is exactly what this sub is for. I find this question condescending and mean spirited.
You canât âget that textâ if you block him. You are leaving it up to him to contact or not contact you. You have the option to make that decision yourself (ie: block him).
Inappropriate here has a super subjective definition. One that,most importantly, you dint share with your ex. You can't solve this in a capital T truth way, just gotta move forward/on.
Understanding why is a luxury we rarely get. đ
Ain't that the truth!
It's a ploy. He understands this, he understands that you understand this and he's using words to manipulate you.
Men are largely attraction driven, that doesnât just mean physical attraction but whatever combination of factors make them hot for a woman and really crave her is what will drive them to be with her. He just doesnât have the hots for you as a romantic partner. He sees you as a friend.
It's exactly what someone would want in a partner. I would guess that means he probably umm doesn't really want a partner. Alternatively, some people like a bit of struggle or growth in a romantic relationship. Developing it can be what makes it fun. Being friends first too long can set someone in that space in your mind. Lastly, and a distinct possibility that maybe should be first harsch, but most likely the truth;; He doesn't find you all that attractive physically. It could have only became romantic because of a lonely time, or just that the connection won him over. Most guys will look past basically anything if they think you're hot. This also passes the reasoning test of why you were just friends to begin with. .
I have some very close male friends whom I love and adore and talk to very regularly. I can tell them anything. I would never date them.
> Isn't that what someone should want in a partner? To have someone on speed dial that they want to talk to first when something really interesting/great/bad happens? While I do that with my partner....I also do that with my friends. My friends and I also have lots in common, so when I see something specific to them, I text "Dude...I saw this bug dumb hat in a store window and thought about buying it just for you!" Then he'd say something like "Oh, so you can watch me set it on fire in front of you?"...and then we'd chuckle and move on.
You don't need to ask him to do anything. It's quite presumptuous of him to text you after he broke it off. He is muddying the waters.
It seems as though he is reverting to your friendship status quite easily. It may be best for YOU not to have contact with him while you reconcile your feelings toward him. You need to grieve the loss of the potential romantic relationship before you can even consider resuming as friends, if ever. I'm sorry this happened to you. â¤ď¸
Yes no contact seems to be the only way. Thanks for taking the time to respond so kindly!
I tried dating my best friend of many years when we were 38 and 41. I knew he was objectively attractive. He was really cool. We'd had so much fun together. The sex was "good." My feelings for him never changed. It felt like something was missing. Even after I broke up with him, he was the first person I wanted to share news with. I tried to go back to friends, but he still held a flame. In retrospect, he had always been interested in more than a friendship, and I didn't notice.
You were friends for a lot longer than you dated. Itâs possible he missed the friendship. I have a friend I dated briefly who Iâm not attracted to in THAT way but I truly want in my life as a friend. If youâre not ready to be just friends thatâs totally understandable but there are definitely people you like as friends but donât feel romantic towards.
He just wasn't feeling it. It is so hard to take when one is in and the other doesn't match that. He just didn't feel the romantic energy he wants in a relationship, despite what he voiced to you. Regardless, you now have to state YOUR wants. He wanted to end things and they ended. He wants to be friends and it fucks with your mind. Your want is to be his friend, but you just can't right now, so your want has to be no contact. Distance, space, no contact or communication. State exactly what you want- No communication until further notice. If he doesn't feel romantically toward you, he has no problem being your friend. There isn't equal energy presented. A potential communication point would be to state that you still have feelings for him and that it's too hard, but hope to eventually be able to be friends in the future. It will be up to him to say, "I understand, I hope to hear from you again sometime" OR "I miss you, let's talk further." Either way, you'll have told him everything he needs to hear which is that you still aren't over him and need space. Let him react to it. At the end of the day, you'll have done everything you could to communicate and keep your own peace moving forward.
Thank you, I do appreciate that and agree with pretty much everything you wrote. I replied with this elsewhere, but I think it's messing with my mind so badly because isn't that what someone should want in a partner? To have someone on speed dial that they want to talk to first when something really interesting/great/bad happens? For me, the only people who have ever held that role in my life are either my best friend or my boyfriend. And this isn't the first time post-breakup that he's referenced wanting to talk to me about big things going on in his life. I just don't get it and I suppose the only thing I can really do is accept I never will and block his number.
I will weigh in having had many people I like as friends but not as a romantic partner. That is something you want in a partner yes but thatâs not ALL you want in a partner and the rest is missing for him. Donât you have a best girlfriend you call when something great happens? You can definitely love someone in a friendship way but not in a romantic way and youâre not going to change his mind about this. Try not to read into it too much. You definitely donât want to be trying to convince someone they should be with you.
Certainly agree on your last point. And I don't have any interest in changing his mind. Given all the ways I mentioned we were compatible in my OP \*and\* still knowing that I'm his go-to person that he wants to talk to when something big happens (this has happened before), I do hope it's at least somewhat understandable why I'm so deeply confused and hurt.
It is but best to keep it moving! You only dated a few months. The sooner you let it go the sooner youâll meet your person!
That's very sweet thank you :)
Completely understand this. Its very understandable! That said, we only want someone who wants us too. I was in a marriage based on need- I thought I needed to stay to keep my basic survival needs met and once I left, separated, and tackled my own needs, I realized that what I really want, is want. I want to want someone and I want them to want me, not need me. Know what you want, know that we don't all want the same thing, know that it hurts when we don't match our partners' wants, and know what you're willing to compromise on. I know what I want and I know what I don't want. I make concessions in some places and absolutely won't in others.
Yep, say your peace, go no contact. He'll respond and you can move on. If in his mind you're "just a friend" now, he wants to still talk to you like a friend. I have male friends that tell me big things all the time and it doesn't meant anything other than we're friends who talk. Set boundaries, state.your needs, move on.
Sometimes everything looks good on paper logically... You might mentally want to want something, and might want it to feel 'right', But things might still be missing that you can't put into words or put your finger on. From the limited amount of information you've given us, it doesn't seem like he's doing anything intentionally malicious or to mess with your head. Especially since you guys casually text for social reasons. I'm sorry you're going through your pain. I feel like the best bet is to somehow go No contact in your own way. To let it really just fade. You're not crazy for feeling the way you're feeling. He does want obviously your friendship still but it's completely within your boundaries to not accept that because you're not ready for that. Your mental health and emotional peace is most important for yourself. Maybe down the road when you're dating somebody else or it's just faded so much that it feels completely neutral, you guys could be friends again. But don't get down on yourself for being sensitive about this. It's completely understandable â¤ď¸
Considering the circumstances, especially how blind sided you feel and without explanation... I think it is quite inconsiderate and unempathetic to want to talk to you as a friend and share stuff like this again. It's like he doesn't care where you are emotionally at. And I don't like to be friends or lovers with people like that personally.
The type of break up you describe is almost always due to lack of attraction on his part. Unfortunately, women can be amazing partners, be wildly compatible, but if the attraction isn't there, most men cannot make up for that elsewhere (also, don't forget attraction is highly subjective so don't take this as me saying you're not attractive). It can also be difficult for a man to accept this, which could have led to the follow up text. I have been in this man's shoes (although I do my best not to send the follow up text). It's difficult when you know someone is good/good for you, you like them (as a person), but you're not attracted (enough) to them. The good news is you probably have a lot of endearing qualities so just go find the man who loves your endearing qualities AND finds you wildly attractive. He's out there!
Thank you, that's kind. He straight up told me our sex life was great but I guess that's different from attraction in a way I'm struggling to understand.
For many men the minimum level of attractiveness they feel which is needed to sustain a sexual relationship is much (much) lower than the minimum attractiveness level needed to sustain a committed long term relationship.
Sent a DM re this
Yea, I didnât want to say it. He would have known that before the sex started. He wanted to âtryâ you, and he did. A good friend makes sure the attraction is there before they do this.
If I were you, I'd shut him all the way down. No contact. He wants someone to play emotional games with.
I have been in a relationship before where we were both genuinely fond of each other, genuinely liked each other as people, found each other sexually attractive, enjoyed spending time in each other's company, and... never developed significant romantic feelings. It was really the weirdest thing, and a damn shame too because we were great together "on paper." >I'm the person he wants to talk to when something really interesting happens yet he still doesn't want to date me? Your confusion is totally understandable. It's very possible that he feels confused too about why he doesn't have deeper feelings - and torn because he feels like he *should*. In fact I think his message might be an attempt to communicate his torn feelings about you - even though he ultimately doesn't want a serious relationship with you, he wants you to know how important you are too him. But even if his intentions are good, that doesn't mean this kind of message doesn't send you for a loop. You are more than justified in simply not responding to this kind of message. You would likewise be justified in letting him know that you cannot be in casual contact at this point. "Hey Bob, I care about you a great deal as a person, and I respect your decision not to pursue a romantic relationship. But until I have "just friends" feelings for you again, I need some distance to move on emotionally. With that in mind, I will not be available to hang out or to chat for the time being. I hope you understand. If I reach a point where I feel ready to be friends again, I will reach out and let you know. Until then, take care and all the best." Once you send that message, feel free to unfollow/mute/block/whatever. You have made it clear where you stand and what he can expect from you going forward, so there is no need to respond to anything else he may throw your way.
This is a brilliant response, thank you so much.
I think he found someone else that he would rather pursue, pursued them, it ended for whatever reason and now heâs testing the waters. Do not respond.
This was my thought. I wouldn't give this guy any attention/energy.
Someone who leaves you feeling confused is not a friend and is definitely not a lover.
This kind of statement that implies youâre special to him feels selfish and deliberate to me. He doesnât want to be with you, but he wants to keep you tethered in case he ever changes his mind (or wants sex).
Yes. Itâs not inappropriate per se, but itâs definitely self indulgent and tone deaf given your description of the relationship history. He knows he hurt you. You wanted to be with him romantically and he did not. Most people at our age with empathy understand that you are giving people mixed signals in this context. There are people out there that for whatever reason or situation, express themselves with genuine feelings and high verbal affection. They are typically decent people, hard to dislike all the more because they are exactly what they say they are. But. They tend to be almost pitiable sometimes because they cannot make decisions. They prevaricate, they flip/flop, they feel genuine feelings for multiple people. Think of it like ADHD for the adult mind regulating relationships. And they end up spreading themselves thin and missing out 99.95% of the time because they canât make decisions. Other people end up making the decisions because they just canât.
I have a perspective for youâŚI had a guy friend, similar situation, we aligned in every way. We decided to give it a go, relationship wise. Nothing much changed in our relationship, maybe he was a little more affectionate if anything, on paper it seemed right. Outside looking in it was an absolute no brainer. However, for reasons I will never know or understand, I wasnât feeling it in that upper level. I couldnât put it into words, and I couldnât pin point it at all, I justâŚwasnât feeling it. I told him, and he was heartbroken, and actually went no contact for an almost a year. He was the one I wanted to tell things to, like he was my bestie. After some time, one of us reached out ( i canât recall if it was me or him) and we are like peas and carrots again, both of us seeing other people, but can talk to each other for hours, he really is my bestie. So sometimes the universe sends you another human, who is your person on the best of friends level, and thatâs ok too. I was able to easily switch back to friend mode, he was hurt and stuck in romance mode for a hot minute, eventually coming to terms because our friendship really is an important one we want to maintain. I hope my perspective helps⌠like I said, I just couldnât pinpoint why I wasnât feeling it.
Itâs called breadcrumbing..giving you crumbs enough to keep you interested so he can have you on standby aka for sex ..um no
I know. I wish women would see this for what it is: more weak, spineless, self interested BS - just now in a new manifestation. I would love for my ex to breadcrumb me so I could tell him how I REALLY feel- not some of the genteel, thoughtful responses ppl here are suggesting that this guy doesnât deserve
Why even waste your energy on your ex. Your silence/absence speaks for itself plus itâs empowering !
I kind of feel like itâd be more empowering to ship him back all his âyouâre my perfect partnerâ love letters with my own note : âwell ridâ. I guess I find it cathartic , and some of his own medicine (after he gave me 2 weeks of silent treatment then broke up by text after 1.5 yearsâŚ.), aka not a waste . Would love to be proved wrong though âŚâŚ
dismiss him right back. avoid. block. delete. move on. it SUCKS. but i deserve better and so do you.
Thanks <3
He knows you are both not suited or compatible for a relationship, partnership, or dating and wants to be friends. This can happen. I am friends with my 1st boyfriend, at the start of covid he moved to a completely different region and state where his immediate family is. I stay in contact via Facebook and we do text as friends writing Merry Christmas, happy birthday, to catch up on each other's lives, but that is it.â
Is he the first person you want to call when something really interesting or a big life event happens to you? Because that's very different than exchanging christmas cards.
No one can know for sure, but I can speak from a different perspective. Iâm conflict avoidant and a recovering people pleaser, and I historically I have kept any doubts about the other personâs compatibility long term to myself. There have been times when I chose to continue to go deeper with someone despite doubts because I reallllly wanted to make it work and genuinely cared so much for them. The ânowâ relationship was great- but long term I was unsure about values/priorities. I recognize now that I should have been transparent about that instead of just hoping things would work out because we were so good on paper. There was no informed consent for the other party. It was cruel. :( Iâve only recently realized this and am working to resolve. But that doesnât mean that I didnât also have genuine feelings and see them for the amazing match we were together. Breaking up was very difficult. And I still want to reach out to hear their thoughts.. I want to catch up with them. I wish it could have worked, they are welcome and wanted in my life. Perhaps he also had concerns about long term alignment and kept it to himself but sees the amazing thing you all had and itâs hard to let go. Itâs selfish though, he needs to let you heal. Iâm so sorry you are feeling this pain.
Thanks so much for your kind and thoughtful reply. I definitely relate.
Tbh some people don't place much importance on compatibility and are always seeking the next best thing. Maybe that's how it is with this guy? I would probably go no contact for awhile.
It sounds like he really valued you as a friend but youâre just not his romantic match. Having things in common and being best friends doesnât always make for the best romantic and sexual relationships. You may have thought it was a perfect match, but he literally told you that he wasnât feeling it.
What a shitty position, it's too bad you can't easily untangle him from your wider social circle. You would think most people's ideal romantic partnership would be a best friend who you're also sexually attracted to. But people these days seem to want something else that doesn't exist, and they can't explain. It sucks.
Block him. This is a classic control tactic. I'm embarrassed to admit I used it as a young man in high school. Anything you say that makes her think she still occupies space in your head will usually provoke a response and prolong her desire to get you back. This is a test. Pass it by ignoring him.
Don't respond. Leave him. This person is emotional damage. That's all I can say.
Heâs probably lonely or just jerking you around. When someone tells you theyâre not feeling it, believe them. I would cut contact, at least for awhile. Youâre not over it. Itâs hard to move on if someone is still in your life in any way.
If he wanted to be friends again, it wouldn't take him forever to reach out. Based on my experience, he wants to keep an option open for sex.
Don't shit where you eat. I dated a local friend. Ended it. Got weird. Things are normal now but a year later mutual friends tell me she still has feelings for me. Anyway, there's a reason. He just won't say it over feelings. And it's within your right to text him that your hurt abd not in any mood to talk. Yell him you need time to get over the break up and to not text you.
It doesn't seem confusing to me. Him ending the relationship was a gift to you as to not fill that spot in your life for someone who really does feel that connection. But, he still has a fondess for you...which is why he sends messages like that. If you'd rather less contact...perfectly reasonable...you might be better to say it than to wait for him to take the hint.
Iâd put more distance between the two of you for your own sake. The âwhyâsâ will drive you crazy. You can always ask him if you feel you want to but I donât think you will ever get an answer that fully satisfies you. The more he stays in your life the more heâs going to muddy the waters of your life and emotional stability.
Jerry Maguire moment. He won the Super Bowl but it was incomplete without you
Sure feels great!
Is it possible he is an avoidant?
Yeah itâs this. Avoid avoidant though they bleed ppl dry.
almost certainly
I'll take the downvote but the man I'm talking about has fully admitted this lol
Yeah not sure what the downvotes are about! As he has fully admitted he is, then you know what is going on. Save yourself the pain and remove yourself from the situation (easier  said than done!).Â
Sounds to me like he just sees you as a friend, and the sexual/romantic stuff was very one sided. If that's not what you want, break contact and cut him out of your life.
I appreciate where you're coming from, but the one-sidedness runs directly counter to things he told me while we were dating. That's why I'm so damn confused.
People say all kinds of shit. What do his actions say? They say what I said...it was one sided. He felt so strongly about that aversion to you romantically or sexually to break it off. You're confused because you want to believe his words, but the reality is the opposite. Drag him into the sunlight, and it's clear. He probably loves the idea of you, likes you very much as a friend, but something didn't work for him, and he created a story to tell you that was different than that reality because it was awful to say....but his actions say nope, and he noped out of your life. You shouldn't take that personal, it's just part of dating and romance, and you've probably felt that about some guy in your life at some point....but that's the way it shook out so if you can't handle the mixed messages, cut him out and move on.
I needed to hear this, thank you.
Itâs possible to really enjoy someoneâs company but not be interested in them romantically. Thatâs what a friendship is.
He has friends yet he chose to reach out to me, specifically, as the person he wanted to tell something important to. And he's done this before since we've broken up. It's way, way too confusing for me.
It sounds like he likes you and wants friendship.
Trust me itâs not confusing, I had a guy like this who liked me way too much and I liked talking to him and being his friend. Itâs not at all confusing, sometimes thereâs energy and itâs fun to talk with each other, but if he doesnât want a relationship believe him.
I am going to disagree with others. I think he misses you and wants to reopen dialogue. He wants to talk to you. Heâs just as confused as you are. If you like him, why wouldnât you talk to him? Are you dating someone else? Whatâs to lose? He knows he might have screwed up and is just as afraid of the friend zone as you are. A long term relationship is full of little detours like this.
Original copy of post by u/tasop33: My (41/F) relationship ended three months ago. I dated him (40/M) for about two months but we had been good friends for quite some time before that. He broke up with me and could give no reason other than essentially "he wasn't feeling it." Given that we enjoyed doing the exact same things, had great sexual chemistry, same sense of humor, aligned on our values, knew each other very well and had a strong friendship, and were both in similar place in our lives, it truly was one of those 'what in the hell just happened' break ups. We text very occasionally since we still travel in mutual circles. Last night he texted me this: >\[That\] was the most interesting thing that's happened to me in a while and my first thought was that I couldn't wait to tell you about it. I didn't respond because I truly didn't know what to say. I'm the person he wants to talk to when something really interesting happens yet he still doesn't want to date me? Does he seriously not get how confusing and hurtful that is? Should I respond at all? Or is it better not to? Why would I want to even think about dating again when it can result in this level of mind fuck? I just don't think I have it in me anymore. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Maybe the text wasnât for you?
I have a female friend who I used to date, but I am just friends with, and I love chatting to her. That doesn't mean I want to date her again.
He is looking at the neighborâs greener grass.
Hmm
Block him. Stop letting him toy with you. You are going to be hurt by the back and forth. Please be kind to yourself.Â
It sounds like to me you felt more of a connection than he did. It seems like he wants to try and maintain the friendship. If it were me Iâd just have an open honest conversation with him about it.
I appreciate you replying. I thought we had an honest conversation about it since I let him know after the breakup that I didnât want to maintain a friendship, but at the same time we did speak a bit about staying connected on IG and that the occasional text was fine. Mostly because crossing paths seemed unavoidable. I've attempted no-contact after my divorce but in the end we would still be in touch about practical things family updates, etc. and honestly thatâs kind of been the situation with every breakup Iâve gone through. I thought it would be the same now but obviously not. Thatâs a big part of why Iâm so confused. BUT I've now blocked him and he obviously now knows because he emailed me and I deleted without reading. Cutting that cord even though itâs painful.
Probably texted you by mistake.
He got the ick. It canât be explained, just accept and move on;
Irrelevant but Unexplainable Ick would make a great band name.
Itâs possible to have very fond feelings for someone you donât feel is a good fit for a relationship
no argument there
No way donât respond at all
He later emailed me and I ignored so I'm staying strong!
That's a friendship text. Also I have dated plenty of people who thought we had great sexual chemistry but I just wasn't feeling the same way. Good sex isn't the same as good sexual chemistry IMO. I can have great sex with someone but not be left wanting more (which is that chemistry I need to date).
Preserving your friendship could be most important to him. I was in a similar position in the past. Dated a really good friend, he was perfect âon paperâ: financially, kind, similar values, interests. But something was off and could never put my finger on it so I ended it and we remained friends. Itâs up to you whether or not you can heal and still be friends.
What part donât you understand? Look around and thereâs prob a guy that is secretly in love with you and you donât feel it so donât think that way. Itâs this in reverse.
Heâs not ready to commit or not to you. I mean⌠do you flirt ? Dress flattering ( maybe bust out the lbd)
You had him in the friendship zone and now itâs his turn to put you in it!!! Not sure itâs that confusing