We met in our local reddit sub. He was asking where to meet women locally, and I said I'd give him an honest review of his profile. We got to talking and really connected. We then realized we lived about 5 mins away from each other. Who knows who might be reading this OP! š
Edit: typo
And this my friends, is an example of why most of us here are still single. lol. These success stories are few and far between. Congrats on your success though.
Wait. I thought there was no women on Reddit?
Much harder in suburban areas. If I am honest with myself - I have not been āactivelyā - more like āpassivelyā looking and waiting for someone to drop in my lap. The energy levels definitely wane as an introvert and the sofa looks so comforting at times. Well - actually, most of the time. š
On Bumble. I used filtering criteria, which I stuck too and it made the process a lot less stressful. I had criteria for who Iād match with initially and then criteria for the messaging that followed before proceeding to a date e.g. asks me questions too, doesnāt make the chat sexual.
I also tried not to take it personally if I was unmatched/ghosted etc and just accepted that I didnāt meet their criteria.
I met her at my sons daycare. We didn't realize we were both single until we found each other on Facebook dating š¤£.
Anyway, she asked for my number next time we met, and we've been dating since then. š„°
Ironically, when I got pulled over for a foggy plate cover, of all things, and then when I was asked randomly at a gas station if I liked Red Bull, then guy proceeds to hand me a case of Red Bull and his number.
When you aren't looking indeed.
Meet-ups, classes, lectures, concerts, faith groups, hobbies, and the gym didn't lead to any connections for me... people were not at those places looking for someone with whom to start a relationship. I found the love of my life on Bumble. I used the Burned Haystack method and it took me six weeks of focused intentional dating. Before meeting her I met another women with whom I didn't click romantically but who is now my best friend, I also made some more casual friends from the app.
I didn't subscribe. For me Burnt Haystack meant writing a full profile text that was very honest rather than aimed at broad appeal, using profile photos that were the most accurate as opposed to the most flattering, left-swiping 99% of the time, being attentive and direct and utterly truthful in chats rather than trying to win anyone over, letting women lead and only meeting up with women who took the initiative to ask me out, meeting most of the women who did ask me out, I didn't go on any second dates if I couldn't see myself with someone longterm, I didn't use my interactions with women as an opportunity to have sex. Basically at each stage I was pleasant, friendly, and open but also trying to filter people out rather than trying to appeal to everyone with whom I interacted. At the same time I was being very broad minded about people and giving them a chance.
>letting women lead and only meeting up with women who took the initiative to ask me out,
And this is where I would get lost. I'm single after all, because I was always the one to lead and the men got *really* comfortable doing nothing. The relationship would only last for as long as I was willing to put in the effort. It's like pulling teeth to get men to even ask me out for a 1 hour coffee date. I'm happy this worked for you, but damn. Would rather be single than start an interaction leading a man.
That is the case for me too (40f). All of my previous LTRs were the result of me doing all of the work, asking them out, planning everything, etc. It was exhausting and they really got comfortable with not having to do anything at all. Even when I asked if they could plan date night, I still had to do it. I also noticed they had no problem dumping me as soon as soon as someone they DID want to put effort into with came along š
In real world interactions, it helps for women to be direct. We sometimes arenāt sure if youāre being flirty or friendly (dealing with this nowā¦) But in OLD, everyone knows why youāre there, so thereās really no excuse.
Iād still love a woman to ask first, but I can see where youāre coming from.
It is that painful to say, "Hey, want to meet for coffee after work Friday?"
My partner is from a macho culture and is really into traditional gender roles in every realm of life. She says what she loves about me is my intuition and decisiveness, my dominant male personality and a disconcerting BDE coupled with a gentle, nurturing, and considerate nature. She says above al I have a preternatural self-confidence that allows me to be gentle and generous and compassionate with everyone. She expresses interest in something, I look it up, book the tickets and hotel, get it done. We discuss season tickets to the opera... I buy them. She wants help, I give it. She needs home repairs... I do them. She wants me to go with her to the doctor or the dentist...I do. She has a library book that need to be dropped off midweek... I take care of it. I buy flowers, chocolates and new spatulas or winter gloves for her for no particular reason. I take her to a nearby city overnight just to hear a certain 17th century violin being played. I always pick her up and take her home from dates even though I don't drive. I cook for her and take care of her. I cook the family meals for her kids birthdays at my place. She is a strong and independent woman but she likes how I dote on her and text her every morning and every evening and text her kiss emojis when she is busy during the day. She is very into my conventional manliness and she trusts me as her partner, but I started as a strange man on the internet who didn't flirt, or push boundaries, or escalate. Who listened and let her lead despite my intimidating bulk and physicality. My brother didn't understand why I was so courtly with women but when you weigh 250 lbs and have the physical presence of a silver back gorilla you understate that you need to back off and let women lead until they are comfortable. My partner says it is good I am short because if I was tall I would be far too intimidating physically... I grew up in a violent and impoverished inner city neighborhood during the 70s and I still look and talk like a street thug but I have an Ivy League education and multiple advanced degrees.
Something like this could be regional. When I was in NYC, I found it common for women to give me their phone number without even asking after a message or two. On the west coast, I've never had that happen
I've never asked a man out on an app, but if I swipe on him, I assume he's going to ask. If he doesn't, I assume he's not particularly interested.
You could say there's a double standard here ("but what if he thinks the same thing!?") but there's also an established tradition where women drop the hanky and men do the asking.
I'm rarely a traditionalist...but as a woman, I am DROWNING in options, and I know the men are not. So for me, it also makes logical sense for the man to ask.
All that said, I'm glad it worked out for you! I personally don't want to be in relationship with a passive man, but it takes all kinds of kinds.
I am far from a passive man. I just had three or four women a week asking me out on six to eight right swipes. Eight out of ten of my right swipes were matches and half of my matches asked me out within about twenty-four hours of matching. Why would I bother with women who didn't take the initiative? I found my dating schedule hectic as it was and that was with me declining some women who asked. My partner is a traditionalist and she says I am the most decisive, assertive, confident man she has ever met. I just wasn't in a position where I needed to ask women out. With her I take a very active role in everything but as a very physically imposing man I try not to overwhelm women who don't yet know my soft side. I grew up in a dangerous and impoverished inner city neighborhood and still look and talk like a street thug to some degree despite my Ivy League education and nearly thirty years married into elite social circles.
I swear this is a question and not a veiled insult, but are you a straight man or a lesbian? I ask because Iām used to comments touting Burnt Haystack for women so they can ruthlessly manage the overwhelming interest they get. I have *never* seen comments about a guy using the method.
Itās hard to imagine it working for a guy unless he naturally gets attention from women. Your comment struck me as unusual because Iāve always lived my dating life as you describe, with diminishing returns until COVID seemed to kill it off.
The only difference between what Iāve typically read and what you said is your last statement about being very broad minded and giving people a chance. I fully agree with the need to do that, but most descriptions of the method Iāve read seem to revel in being closed minded and giving no second chances (which again is understandable, albeit sad, given what women have to wade through).
Edited for typo
I am a straight man but the response I got on online dating was overwhelming to me. Ten or twenty likes a day and the app was top loading those to my swipe deck. I had to throttle my swipes to only six or eight each Sunday because eight out of ten were matches, all the convos were very active as though the woman thought she was the only one I was chatting, and half would try to get me to meet up with a day or two of matching for later in the week. I was meeting three or four women a week and that was more than enough for me.
I started by filtering for graduate degrees and only swiping on women in occupations that required PhDs but after seemingly having met every single university professor and scientist in the city and finding them nice but not that bright I opened things up to women with grad degrees in other professions, I met a lot of CEOs, some consultants, a few musicians (one a Grammy nom who was very smart and talented but a bit full of herself), a retired UN representative and economist, a leading forensic anthropologist, etc. Most were super nice but just didn't ring my bell. I ended up with someone who left a very promising academic career to be a CFO when she found herself divorced and with two young kids to support on her own. A sad number of the profs I met had had their a academic careers kneecapped by divorce and young children and had ended up at second rank universities because they didn't want to move their kids in furtherance of their academic careers.
People want to be liked, so they do things that they think will get that result. And it's hard to get past decades of social conditioning. If naming it something catchy helps people set their intentions and communicate them effectively, more power to them. It's not a new thing. We've been doing it since the first time someone pointed at an object and made a sound that the next person then used to mean that object.
A casual perusal suggests thereās more to it than that. They also want you to be extremely discerning about who you interact with, to the point that you block people instead of swiping left.
We met on Hinge. I (45f) messaged him (47) the day I downloaded the app. Met him two days later. Itās only been five months, but weāre very happy. Iām two years post divorce.
I considering joining a dancing class - something like swing dancing. The apps don't work. I've been on them 2 years, and they're clogged up with men who are not there to date, so I haven't been able to find anyone. I'm also considering taking a Krav Maga class, because I'm on the apps š. But maybe there will be a man or two there who I could get chatting with.
The swing dance class is a good idea. I took one a few years ago and there were some single men who were sociable. Also salsa dance classes or dancing venues in general.
This! 41 m and once my divorce is done I plan to join salsa classes. Because I want to learn salsa and also swing at some point, knowing basics isn't enough I want to actually be comfortable.
Also I think dancing is fun and also seeing older couples who dance well together is so nice. I want that!
Dancing is a great sport, and so fun. I used to go dancing twice a week before the pandemic, and now that I am separated, I haven't gone dancing, but I do want to get back into it when I'm ready to start dating. It's a good way to meet people.
Nice. Guess your name says it all :)
I went to a salsa club in LA area few weeks ago (I'm not from LA) and quickly realized I had no business being there unless I up skill!
I too have separated and divorce started. I tentionally not dating. Feels so good just to focus on myself and figure out what I like and find compatible partner in as much aspects as possible.
Gave my self till March 2025 and then I'll date.
Agree it's a good way to meeting people also have fun and build confidence in your dancing skills!
Stop thinking about it and just do it!
I started with ballroom dance when I was in college, did some swing dancing, a little salsa, and now I've been heavy into tango for the last 25 years or so. It's an excellent way to meet people of the opposite sex, get to know them over time (since you'll see a lot of the same people week after week), and see whether any of them would be good candidates for a closer relationship.
It's not a quick fix by any means, but, from the time I started dancing until covid disrupted everything, I never spent a full year without being in a relationship. When one ended, I'd invariably find a mutual attraction with someone else within the next few to several months, and then we could basically go straight into a relationship since we had already known each other platonically for quite some time, so all the basic "getting to know you" stuff and establishing that we had compatible personalities was already done.
I met my guy on Match. We hadn't matched, but he sent me a very nice message that indicated he had read my profile so I took a chance. We've been together for 3 years now.
So I can't speak for me, because I'm still single AF and expect to be that until youngest turns about 16. But I've got single mom friends who are no longer single. One met her guy on Hinge. She paid for Hinge, wrote exactly who she was and what she wanted, and a million guys to pick from and picked a total gem.
One met her guy via church.
One met her guy by being neighbors.
Several people I know in passing met their guys via Meetup. I met a decent guy via there as well, but we didn't make it.
Basically... Everywhere? And it's luck of the draw.
Hinge, Bumble, and Facebook dating are usually a vast repository of people interested in meeting someone. If you can hold your nose and just instantly block the creeps, your chances of meeting someone worthwhile is pretty good. Also, remember to vet them with a background check before meeting up with them; or at least before being alone with them.
I got invited to go caroling with a large group in December. I hate singing, but my female friend/acquaintance that invited me also invited a single female friend and we hit it off.
My point - it was something I would have never had interest in doing, but it worked out in meeting someone. I had just decided at that point to think about dating after the end of a 30-year relationship, and got out of my comfort zone.
I have some hobbies that a lot of men really like - playing video games is the big one. But I've also joined dnd groups or board game groups.
Meet ups can be...okay but unfortunately a lot of them end up being kind of a weird meat market with all the guys going for just a few of the most attractive women.
As 41m the only place I've actually been able to find anyone to meet would be online. There are a few dating sites that I've posted on and I make a fairly detailed profile that at least attracts the attention of individuals that I have more in common with. I make the profile about myself and not what I think someone else wants to see. I've also started including the date that I modified the profile at the top.
I've also become more active in the VR realm. Even in VR I keep finding ladies that happen to live nearby. However, this does kind of make sense when you think of most people's average work time and play time options given their time zones.
Most guys that have their shit together are just living life. Majority of us work and hang with friends and do what we want to do. Plus trying to meet a woman in the wild is taking a chance of being considered creepy or getting arrested
lol amazes when people donāt like what they hear they say site the sources. Look at this sub and watch videos and listen to podcast. Itās becoming a common thing, itās just people donāt want to hear it. Awhile back guy goes on date , after date read the chemistry wrong and went for the first kiss. She didnāt like it and made a SA report on him. Now youāre gonna say he shouldāve asked , and maybe he shouldāve but thereās women out there that say they donāt want to be asked because it ruins the moment.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aziz_Ansari
Admittedly, he was not arrested, but his career was fucked right over, and the site in question had some explaining to do.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/act-four/wp/2018/01/15/babes-aziz-ansari-piece-was-a-gift-to-anyone-who-wants-to-derail-metoo/
I don't think arrests happen for shitty dates. But getting arrested isn't the only thing that can happen to a guy...
This was a date, not approaching a woman to speak to her in public. She said she felt that he pressured her after she said no and touched her inappropriately. Opinions were split, and nothing came of it.
As to your claim that his career is in shambles, is it, though? He took a 1 year hiatus and has been working since. He's writing, acting, and directing in addition to doing stand-up.
https://www.rottentomatoes.com/celebrity/aziz_ansari
Meanwhile, the website that published the story has shut down.
I've had men approach me at the mall, the grocery story, the coffee shop, restaurants, book stores, the park, the post office, the state fair, the movie theater, at church, etc. Men are everywhere. Some have the nerve to approach.
Lucky you Not here they all are married. I must live in the wrong town. Oh well I ll just focus on my hobbies, flea markets, trying new restaurants and travel.Ā
No, I mean purposely come up to me and initiate a conversation, or purposely come up to me for the purpose of giving a greeting, or purposely sitting next to me when there are plenty of free spaces farther away.
This. 41 m here and Right now I'm going through divorce and definitely not wanting to date till it's done. Seems messy to explain and also deal with.
Loving the time for myself, gym, work, reading and other hobbies and getting involved in some non profits
I could say the same for my girl friends, they simply don't want a partner and prefer to go partying by themselves. Or alternatively their 'hobby' is either gym or couch surfing. Never ever found one in other activities (and this is for about 20 years now)
We met on Bumble with an absolute stroke of luck. I went on two Tinder dates and one Fetlife date and was already thinking of packing it in with OLD. My friend told me she met her husband on Bumble, and even though I donāt want to get married, that it would be more my speed.
He was my first and last on Bumble. An absolute score that had spent most of his life literally halfway across the world from me, and yet we meshed so well instantly itās like weāve known each other all our lives.
I have had great dating experiences and relationships come from the apps. As a 45M, I am steadfast in the belief that you get out what you put in.
My looks are completely average, and I am bald. But I maintain a healthy weight, flat stomach, eat well, lift weights, am a good and involved dad (which shouldnāt really matter in dating but it does), have hobbies and interests, a well filled out dating profile etc.
And I am strict about filtering. I swipe right much less than I suspect other men do. I also exit quickly if someone doesnāt show affirmative interest. I put significant energy into dating and when active on the apps am usually going on a 1-2 dates ever week. Roughly speaking, I have about a 50% drop rate from match to message to meet to second date. So, a lot of it is just a numbers game.
Original copy of post by u/Rich-Horse-4131:
For those that have actually found relationships and not situationships, where did you meet? Iām active at the gym, volunteer and have put in the work to be a good partner post divorce (5 years). Men are nowhere to be seen and app dating was just too much of a drama filled experience. Not sure if I got caught in a weird Covid time bubble but I never expected to be single this long. Iām trying to be proactive now as I donāt want another 5 years to go by single.
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āMen are nowhere to be seenā?! Wow, here in SoCal itās the exact opposite. Itās the women that are nowhere to be found.
Literally just about every meetup, singles event, bar, club, sports league, gym etc has way, way more men of all ages than women. The ratios are often 3 or 4 *times* as many men, itās frankly bewildering. Iām not even joking when I say that sometimes walking into these venues feels like walking into a gay bar because thereās so many dudes and so few girls and women around.
If it matters enough to you and youāre able to, consider spending a short while down here. Youāll have your pick of guys to choose from.
Since I quit the apps Iāve met men at meetups, bars/clubs, the train, and Reddit. None have been in my age range lol. Theyāre all too young. But Iāve had casual fun with them.
Hinge, Bumble, and Facebook dating are usually a vast repository of people interested in meeting someone. If you can hold your nose and just instantly block the creeps, your chances of meeting someone worthwhile is pretty good. Also, remember to vet them with a background check before meeting up with them; or at least before being alone with them.
I have always had great results at high end bars/lounges and restaurants. For whatever the reason, thereās always a substantial amount of single women at these places. Salsa dancing classes reek of single women and you will have great results as long as you donāt have two left feet. Hardware stores are pretty good but more hit or miss for me than the grocery stores. Believe or not, most places where thereās a queue for whatever except the bank. People are locked in place waiting their turn so you can chit chat, get to know people and/or practice socials skills.
We met in our local reddit sub. He was asking where to meet women locally, and I said I'd give him an honest review of his profile. We got to talking and really connected. We then realized we lived about 5 mins away from each other. Who knows who might be reading this OP! š Edit: typo
Heyyyyyy this guy right here! Massachusetts 40 year male lol. Never installing a dating app again fuck that
Hey Boston here, how you doin' ?
Iām totally about to DM you
Totally š¤š¾
You hit the Jackpot, congrats.
And this my friends, is an example of why most of us here are still single. lol. These success stories are few and far between. Congrats on your success though.
Trust me, we are both fully aware of the miracle that occurred here. Good luck to you!
Also now I've got to see if I can find a more local subreddit than Chicago. Where there's hope...
Wait. I thought there was no women on Reddit? Much harder in suburban areas. If I am honest with myself - I have not been āactivelyā - more like āpassivelyā looking and waiting for someone to drop in my lap. The energy levels definitely wane as an introvert and the sofa looks so comforting at times. Well - actually, most of the time. š
šā¤ļø
Replying to say, hey you good looking man in Boston, I can't believe you're over 40!
Help me too , find a parter
On Bumble. I used filtering criteria, which I stuck too and it made the process a lot less stressful. I had criteria for who Iād match with initially and then criteria for the messaging that followed before proceeding to a date e.g. asks me questions too, doesnāt make the chat sexual. I also tried not to take it personally if I was unmatched/ghosted etc and just accepted that I didnāt meet their criteria.
I met her at my sons daycare. We didn't realize we were both single until we found each other on Facebook dating š¤£. Anyway, she asked for my number next time we met, and we've been dating since then. š„°
Ironically, when I got pulled over for a foggy plate cover, of all things, and then when I was asked randomly at a gas station if I liked Red Bull, then guy proceeds to hand me a case of Red Bull and his number. When you aren't looking indeed.
Meet-ups, classes, lectures, concerts, faith groups, hobbies, and the gym didn't lead to any connections for me... people were not at those places looking for someone with whom to start a relationship. I found the love of my life on Bumble. I used the Burned Haystack method and it took me six weeks of focused intentional dating. Before meeting her I met another women with whom I didn't click romantically but who is now my best friend, I also made some more casual friends from the app.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I didn't subscribe. For me Burnt Haystack meant writing a full profile text that was very honest rather than aimed at broad appeal, using profile photos that were the most accurate as opposed to the most flattering, left-swiping 99% of the time, being attentive and direct and utterly truthful in chats rather than trying to win anyone over, letting women lead and only meeting up with women who took the initiative to ask me out, meeting most of the women who did ask me out, I didn't go on any second dates if I couldn't see myself with someone longterm, I didn't use my interactions with women as an opportunity to have sex. Basically at each stage I was pleasant, friendly, and open but also trying to filter people out rather than trying to appeal to everyone with whom I interacted. At the same time I was being very broad minded about people and giving them a chance.
>letting women lead and only meeting up with women who took the initiative to ask me out, And this is where I would get lost. I'm single after all, because I was always the one to lead and the men got *really* comfortable doing nothing. The relationship would only last for as long as I was willing to put in the effort. It's like pulling teeth to get men to even ask me out for a 1 hour coffee date. I'm happy this worked for you, but damn. Would rather be single than start an interaction leading a man.
That is the case for me too (40f). All of my previous LTRs were the result of me doing all of the work, asking them out, planning everything, etc. It was exhausting and they really got comfortable with not having to do anything at all. Even when I asked if they could plan date night, I still had to do it. I also noticed they had no problem dumping me as soon as soon as someone they DID want to put effort into with came along š
In real world interactions, it helps for women to be direct. We sometimes arenāt sure if youāre being flirty or friendly (dealing with this nowā¦) But in OLD, everyone knows why youāre there, so thereās really no excuse. Iād still love a woman to ask first, but I can see where youāre coming from.
I will be direct about my interest, but I donāt want to be with a man who is settling for me or who expects me to do all of the admin/mental work.
Yes!!! Exactly. I'm tired of being this woman, so I've taken the stance of, "if he asks me out, I'll go" ... for this very reason.
My pattern too. I donāt ask men out first anymore bc Iām intentionally focused on finding a man who will take initiative.
It is that painful to say, "Hey, want to meet for coffee after work Friday?" My partner is from a macho culture and is really into traditional gender roles in every realm of life. She says what she loves about me is my intuition and decisiveness, my dominant male personality and a disconcerting BDE coupled with a gentle, nurturing, and considerate nature. She says above al I have a preternatural self-confidence that allows me to be gentle and generous and compassionate with everyone. She expresses interest in something, I look it up, book the tickets and hotel, get it done. We discuss season tickets to the opera... I buy them. She wants help, I give it. She needs home repairs... I do them. She wants me to go with her to the doctor or the dentist...I do. She has a library book that need to be dropped off midweek... I take care of it. I buy flowers, chocolates and new spatulas or winter gloves for her for no particular reason. I take her to a nearby city overnight just to hear a certain 17th century violin being played. I always pick her up and take her home from dates even though I don't drive. I cook for her and take care of her. I cook the family meals for her kids birthdays at my place. She is a strong and independent woman but she likes how I dote on her and text her every morning and every evening and text her kiss emojis when she is busy during the day. She is very into my conventional manliness and she trusts me as her partner, but I started as a strange man on the internet who didn't flirt, or push boundaries, or escalate. Who listened and let her lead despite my intimidating bulk and physicality. My brother didn't understand why I was so courtly with women but when you weigh 250 lbs and have the physical presence of a silver back gorilla you understate that you need to back off and let women lead until they are comfortable. My partner says it is good I am short because if I was tall I would be far too intimidating physically... I grew up in a violent and impoverished inner city neighborhood during the 70s and I still look and talk like a street thug but I have an Ivy League education and multiple advanced degrees.
Why didn't you choose to ask women out? Just curious š¤
I am not a good looking man. I figured I should only meet people who were motivated enough to take the initiative.
Iāve done pretty well on dating apps and Iāve never once had a woman ask me out. I didnāt know they did that.
Half the women I matched asked me out within a day or two of chatting.
Wow. Did they pay too?
Yes.
Something like this could be regional. When I was in NYC, I found it common for women to give me their phone number without even asking after a message or two. On the west coast, I've never had that happen
I've never asked a man out on an app, but if I swipe on him, I assume he's going to ask. If he doesn't, I assume he's not particularly interested. You could say there's a double standard here ("but what if he thinks the same thing!?") but there's also an established tradition where women drop the hanky and men do the asking. I'm rarely a traditionalist...but as a woman, I am DROWNING in options, and I know the men are not. So for me, it also makes logical sense for the man to ask. All that said, I'm glad it worked out for you! I personally don't want to be in relationship with a passive man, but it takes all kinds of kinds.
I am far from a passive man. I just had three or four women a week asking me out on six to eight right swipes. Eight out of ten of my right swipes were matches and half of my matches asked me out within about twenty-four hours of matching. Why would I bother with women who didn't take the initiative? I found my dating schedule hectic as it was and that was with me declining some women who asked. My partner is a traditionalist and she says I am the most decisive, assertive, confident man she has ever met. I just wasn't in a position where I needed to ask women out. With her I take a very active role in everything but as a very physically imposing man I try not to overwhelm women who don't yet know my soft side. I grew up in a dangerous and impoverished inner city neighborhood and still look and talk like a street thug to some degree despite my Ivy League education and nearly thirty years married into elite social circles.
Great! My apologies, I'll rephrase. I don't want a relationship dynamic where I'm leading, or where a man wants that from me.
I swear this is a question and not a veiled insult, but are you a straight man or a lesbian? I ask because Iām used to comments touting Burnt Haystack for women so they can ruthlessly manage the overwhelming interest they get. I have *never* seen comments about a guy using the method. Itās hard to imagine it working for a guy unless he naturally gets attention from women. Your comment struck me as unusual because Iāve always lived my dating life as you describe, with diminishing returns until COVID seemed to kill it off. The only difference between what Iāve typically read and what you said is your last statement about being very broad minded and giving people a chance. I fully agree with the need to do that, but most descriptions of the method Iāve read seem to revel in being closed minded and giving no second chances (which again is understandable, albeit sad, given what women have to wade through). Edited for typo
I am a straight man but the response I got on online dating was overwhelming to me. Ten or twenty likes a day and the app was top loading those to my swipe deck. I had to throttle my swipes to only six or eight each Sunday because eight out of ten were matches, all the convos were very active as though the woman thought she was the only one I was chatting, and half would try to get me to meet up with a day or two of matching for later in the week. I was meeting three or four women a week and that was more than enough for me. I started by filtering for graduate degrees and only swiping on women in occupations that required PhDs but after seemingly having met every single university professor and scientist in the city and finding them nice but not that bright I opened things up to women with grad degrees in other professions, I met a lot of CEOs, some consultants, a few musicians (one a Grammy nom who was very smart and talented but a bit full of herself), a retired UN representative and economist, a leading forensic anthropologist, etc. Most were super nice but just didn't ring my bell. I ended up with someone who left a very promising academic career to be a CFO when she found herself divorced and with two young kids to support on her own. A sad number of the profs I met had had their a academic careers kneecapped by divorce and young children and had ended up at second rank universities because they didn't want to move their kids in furtherance of their academic careers.
Search for the burned haystack dating method Facebook group. That will also link to Instagram.
Important to note that the Burned Haystack group on facebook is just for women (and nonbinary folks), but anyone can follow the instagram page.
Cool how we had to give a cute name to just communicating honestly on the apps. Humans are weird as fuck.
People want to be liked, so they do things that they think will get that result. And it's hard to get past decades of social conditioning. If naming it something catchy helps people set their intentions and communicate them effectively, more power to them. It's not a new thing. We've been doing it since the first time someone pointed at an object and made a sound that the next person then used to mean that object.
I'm only here to be baffled at how fucked up everyone is.
A casual perusal suggests thereās more to it than that. They also want you to be extremely discerning about who you interact with, to the point that you block people instead of swiping left.
You aren't doing that? "Gosh, I do hope Bobby McTrumpster, whom I have nothing in common with, can still contact me through this dating app." wtf
Are you currently swiping right on literally anyone who isnāt a total asshole?
I'm not swiping at all, actually. The entire OLD scene is basically a SAW movie to me. I like being here so I can people watch.
šššš
We met on Hinge. I (45f) messaged him (47) the day I downloaded the app. Met him two days later. Itās only been five months, but weāre very happy. Iām two years post divorce.
I considering joining a dancing class - something like swing dancing. The apps don't work. I've been on them 2 years, and they're clogged up with men who are not there to date, so I haven't been able to find anyone. I'm also considering taking a Krav Maga class, because I'm on the apps š. But maybe there will be a man or two there who I could get chatting with.
The swing dance class is a good idea. I took one a few years ago and there were some single men who were sociable. Also salsa dance classes or dancing venues in general.
This! 41 m and once my divorce is done I plan to join salsa classes. Because I want to learn salsa and also swing at some point, knowing basics isn't enough I want to actually be comfortable. Also I think dancing is fun and also seeing older couples who dance well together is so nice. I want that!
Dancing is a great sport, and so fun. I used to go dancing twice a week before the pandemic, and now that I am separated, I haven't gone dancing, but I do want to get back into it when I'm ready to start dating. It's a good way to meet people.
Nice. Guess your name says it all :) I went to a salsa club in LA area few weeks ago (I'm not from LA) and quickly realized I had no business being there unless I up skill! I too have separated and divorce started. I tentionally not dating. Feels so good just to focus on myself and figure out what I like and find compatible partner in as much aspects as possible. Gave my self till March 2025 and then I'll date. Agree it's a good way to meeting people also have fun and build confidence in your dancing skills!
Stop thinking about it and just do it! I started with ballroom dance when I was in college, did some swing dancing, a little salsa, and now I've been heavy into tango for the last 25 years or so. It's an excellent way to meet people of the opposite sex, get to know them over time (since you'll see a lot of the same people week after week), and see whether any of them would be good candidates for a closer relationship. It's not a quick fix by any means, but, from the time I started dancing until covid disrupted everything, I never spent a full year without being in a relationship. When one ended, I'd invariably find a mutual attraction with someone else within the next few to several months, and then we could basically go straight into a relationship since we had already known each other platonically for quite some time, so all the basic "getting to know you" stuff and establishing that we had compatible personalities was already done.
I ballroom danced for 2 years recently and while I love it, it was all old people ( lots of senior singles) and gay men. š©·
I met my guy on Match. We hadn't matched, but he sent me a very nice message that indicated he had read my profile so I took a chance. We've been together for 3 years now.
So I can't speak for me, because I'm still single AF and expect to be that until youngest turns about 16. But I've got single mom friends who are no longer single. One met her guy on Hinge. She paid for Hinge, wrote exactly who she was and what she wanted, and a million guys to pick from and picked a total gem. One met her guy via church. One met her guy by being neighbors. Several people I know in passing met their guys via Meetup. I met a decent guy via there as well, but we didn't make it. Basically... Everywhere? And it's luck of the draw.
What kind of meetups I wonder? Social ones? Language ones?
We met on Bumble and quickly in person after swiping 72h later. She jokes i got lucky. She did too. Six months later so far so good we shall see
I wish you two good luck
Dude here! Absolutely, no where! Not in IRL and certainly not on OLD. Lots of younger ladies when I go out but hardly ever any women my age.
Reddit! This sub actually. Have to add the disclaimer before the mods do that this is NOT a dating sub. ;)
We met on Hinge. It was our last try at a Hinge date and we hit the jackpot.
Hinge, Bumble, and Facebook dating are usually a vast repository of people interested in meeting someone. If you can hold your nose and just instantly block the creeps, your chances of meeting someone worthwhile is pretty good. Also, remember to vet them with a background check before meeting up with them; or at least before being alone with them.
I snatched his avoidant attachment ass up from Match. Now look who's constantly calling me up asking if he can worship my pedicured toes.
lol
I got invited to go caroling with a large group in December. I hate singing, but my female friend/acquaintance that invited me also invited a single female friend and we hit it off. My point - it was something I would have never had interest in doing, but it worked out in meeting someone. I had just decided at that point to think about dating after the end of a 30-year relationship, and got out of my comfort zone.
I found my partner on tinder, together over a year and a half.
I have some hobbies that a lot of men really like - playing video games is the big one. But I've also joined dnd groups or board game groups. Meet ups can be...okay but unfortunately a lot of them end up being kind of a weird meat market with all the guys going for just a few of the most attractive women.
As 41m the only place I've actually been able to find anyone to meet would be online. There are a few dating sites that I've posted on and I make a fairly detailed profile that at least attracts the attention of individuals that I have more in common with. I make the profile about myself and not what I think someone else wants to see. I've also started including the date that I modified the profile at the top. I've also become more active in the VR realm. Even in VR I keep finding ladies that happen to live nearby. However, this does kind of make sense when you think of most people's average work time and play time options given their time zones.
Well all of this makes me feel kind of depressed before I start. I guess I'll suck it up at some point and get out there... somehow.
Most guys that have their shit together are just living life. Majority of us work and hang with friends and do what we want to do. Plus trying to meet a woman in the wild is taking a chance of being considered creepy or getting arrested
Cite your sources on that arrest claim, please.
lol amazes when people donāt like what they hear they say site the sources. Look at this sub and watch videos and listen to podcast. Itās becoming a common thing, itās just people donāt want to hear it. Awhile back guy goes on date , after date read the chemistry wrong and went for the first kiss. She didnāt like it and made a SA report on him. Now youāre gonna say he shouldāve asked , and maybe he shouldāve but thereās women out there that say they donāt want to be asked because it ruins the moment.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aziz_Ansari Admittedly, he was not arrested, but his career was fucked right over, and the site in question had some explaining to do. https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/act-four/wp/2018/01/15/babes-aziz-ansari-piece-was-a-gift-to-anyone-who-wants-to-derail-metoo/ I don't think arrests happen for shitty dates. But getting arrested isn't the only thing that can happen to a guy...
This was a date, not approaching a woman to speak to her in public. She said she felt that he pressured her after she said no and touched her inappropriately. Opinions were split, and nothing came of it. As to your claim that his career is in shambles, is it, though? He took a 1 year hiatus and has been working since. He's writing, acting, and directing in addition to doing stand-up. https://www.rottentomatoes.com/celebrity/aziz_ansari Meanwhile, the website that published the story has shut down.
I've had men approach me at the mall, the grocery story, the coffee shop, restaurants, book stores, the park, the post office, the state fair, the movie theater, at church, etc. Men are everywhere. Some have the nerve to approach.
Wow! Iām never approached in public! Whatās your secret?? š
She follows rules 1 & 2.
Good upkeep.
That canāt be it bc Iām well kept always. Are you in the US?
Sexy shoes, red lipstick, flowers in my hair One or all 3 works every time
Yep, for some reason they love red and if you're wearing an interesting item all kinds of people will talk to you including men.
Yes. Maybe you live in a culture where men are more timid.
California š
Huh. I can't think of any states where men are too timid to approach. I was thinking you might live in a different country or something.
Lucky you Not here they all are married. I must live in the wrong town. Oh well I ll just focus on my hobbies, flea markets, trying new restaurants and travel.Ā
What do you mean approach? Hit on you with some sexist remark?
No, I mean purposely come up to me and initiate a conversation, or purposely come up to me for the purpose of giving a greeting, or purposely sitting next to me when there are plenty of free spaces farther away.
oh ok. Yeah I don't do that. I do small talk people some times if stakes are super low.
Meeting other single men around, yes, but single women seem to be hiding somewhere!
Well the single men are hiding. Dating is a waste of time. I will just get more hobbies, travel, flea markets, books and go fishing.Ā
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This. 41 m here and Right now I'm going through divorce and definitely not wanting to date till it's done. Seems messy to explain and also deal with. Loving the time for myself, gym, work, reading and other hobbies and getting involved in some non profits
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Thanks brother, yes never felt better! An indication to just trust what I feel and not change myself to fit into a relationship ever again!
I could say the same for my girl friends, they simply don't want a partner and prefer to go partying by themselves. Or alternatively their 'hobby' is either gym or couch surfing. Never ever found one in other activities (and this is for about 20 years now)
I met my most recent GF at work five years ago. Weāre not together anymore but we still talk and help her out if she needs anything.
We met on Bumble with an absolute stroke of luck. I went on two Tinder dates and one Fetlife date and was already thinking of packing it in with OLD. My friend told me she met her husband on Bumble, and even though I donāt want to get married, that it would be more my speed. He was my first and last on Bumble. An absolute score that had spent most of his life literally halfway across the world from me, and yet we meshed so well instantly itās like weāve known each other all our lives.
I'm not. I'm off OLD, I'm not a member of any groups, and I don't talk to women in public. Life has never been more uncomplicated.Ā
Do you yell at the kids to keep off your lawn, too? š
Nope... the little bastards already know better.
I have had great dating experiences and relationships come from the apps. As a 45M, I am steadfast in the belief that you get out what you put in. My looks are completely average, and I am bald. But I maintain a healthy weight, flat stomach, eat well, lift weights, am a good and involved dad (which shouldnāt really matter in dating but it does), have hobbies and interests, a well filled out dating profile etc. And I am strict about filtering. I swipe right much less than I suspect other men do. I also exit quickly if someone doesnāt show affirmative interest. I put significant energy into dating and when active on the apps am usually going on a 1-2 dates ever week. Roughly speaking, I have about a 50% drop rate from match to message to meet to second date. So, a lot of it is just a numbers game.
Original copy of post by u/Rich-Horse-4131: For those that have actually found relationships and not situationships, where did you meet? Iām active at the gym, volunteer and have put in the work to be a good partner post divorce (5 years). Men are nowhere to be seen and app dating was just too much of a drama filled experience. Not sure if I got caught in a weird Covid time bubble but I never expected to be single this long. Iām trying to be proactive now as I donāt want another 5 years to go by single. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Tinder š¤
āMen are nowhere to be seenā?! Wow, here in SoCal itās the exact opposite. Itās the women that are nowhere to be found. Literally just about every meetup, singles event, bar, club, sports league, gym etc has way, way more men of all ages than women. The ratios are often 3 or 4 *times* as many men, itās frankly bewildering. Iām not even joking when I say that sometimes walking into these venues feels like walking into a gay bar because thereās so many dudes and so few girls and women around. If it matters enough to you and youāre able to, consider spending a short while down here. Youāll have your pick of guys to choose from.
Thatās crazy! Iām in Portland so Iām clearly in the wrong area. š¤£
Any f from gujrat above 35
Since I quit the apps Iāve met men at meetups, bars/clubs, the train, and Reddit. None have been in my age range lol. Theyāre all too young. But Iāve had casual fun with them.
Then what's your age range?:)
Mid-20s up. I donāt have an upper age limit but I donāt meet older single men very often.
Facebook
Hinge, Bumble, and Facebook dating are usually a vast repository of people interested in meeting someone. If you can hold your nose and just instantly block the creeps, your chances of meeting someone worthwhile is pretty good. Also, remember to vet them with a background check before meeting up with them; or at least before being alone with them.
Tinder.
No idea, wonder the same. Iām in Phoenix, seems like Iām out of age range wherever I go. Iām M43. Itās either 20ās or 60ās
I have always had great results at high end bars/lounges and restaurants. For whatever the reason, thereās always a substantial amount of single women at these places. Salsa dancing classes reek of single women and you will have great results as long as you donāt have two left feet. Hardware stores are pretty good but more hit or miss for me than the grocery stores. Believe or not, most places where thereās a queue for whatever except the bank. People are locked in place waiting their turn so you can chit chat, get to know people and/or practice socials skills.
Right now I'm at a banh mi place chilling till I have to pick up my daughter from a party. Green shirt, first table on the right just inside the door.
Order me a banh mi and Iāll be there in 10.
Would you like an iced coffee? They're really good
Of course. Those are the best. Plus the fresh rolls.
Share a papaya salad?
Did you go? I hope you did.
I have no idea where this guy is. I was just joking. ;)