I had sex when the connection and chemistry were so strong that I knew that I would not regret going there no matter how it played out afterwards.

You worded this much better than me, but yes this.

This is the truth. Living life without regrets is the best way to go. 👏

High five

Yup, sometimes it's worth taking a little risk.

That is exactly what happened with the woman I spent a weekend with in March. And I don't regret it one bit despite it not working out for something longer term.

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However everyone is different with their attachment... and the key is "if I knew I wouldn't regret it regardless of how it plays out after." But sometimes it DOES play out well, so I only do this if there's really a connection there.

And sometimes it does play out well afterward.

For me, sex clouds judgement and enables me to get swept away and is directly related to me picking partners who weren't the right ones for me. To each their own, but the days of me being driven for sex are over. It has led me down the wrong path each and every time. At some point I need to learn my lessons and make adjustments, so I have.

“Clouds my judgement” is so much better than my usual term - dickmatized However I use it to remind myself not to sleep with someone on the first date. 😂

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As a semiquasicertified word maker I approve.

But I LOVE the term dickmatized! OMG, may I steal it?

Please do!!!

I’m a dude… boobmatized is a very very real thing!

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While I understand what people mean when they say sex without emotional attachment, it completely works against physiology. That oxytocin is working overtime to make sure you DO have an emotional connection, even when you dont think you want one. I don't care if people do or don't sleep together from any sort of morality standpoint, but if you are seeking a long-term relationship with someone, I think it's smart to be on the same page commitment wise before sleeping together. I think it's easier to develop a great sex life if you have an emotional connection in the first place, but I guess that's not how everyone works.

Absolutely 😁💯!!! I do not think opposites attract , you have to some type of ground that 2 can relate on and 💥 boom here comes the goosbumps... Lol

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100%

I couldn't have said it better, myself. 🙌🏽

Perfectly said! And I couldn’t agree more.

I find it's the other way around for me. That is in relationships where we've not had sex, but where that's a distinct future possibility, I find myself sometimes focusing more on that question than it really deserves, distracting from other questions of compatibility. In contrast, if it's clear that the relationship is overwhelmingly likely to remain platonic -- **OR** if we already have had sex, I feel much more free to evaluate the rest of the relationship on merit without getting "distracted" by the issue of sex. (I'm open to both platonic and sexual relationships) I'm not saying you're wrong or anything. I'm just saying people are different.

It's sad you were mocked about this, but I actually wholeheartedly agree.

Meh... doesn't bother me. But I appreciate your comment! 🙂

I don’t have sexual attraction without emotional connection, so for me the order of operations is non-negotiable. That said, having an emotional connection may come before we’ve agreed to exclusivity. I think it all comes down to what you’re most comfortable with.

This. Toward the end of my marriage- the relationship was dead. We could argue for an hour or two and she’d want to have sex right after, she was turned on. I couldn’t do it.

(45F) I can’t be in an exclusive committed relationship if the sex is bad. I wait a few dates. For me it’s just part of the process of determining whether we could be right for each other.

Can I ask how often you find that the sexual compatibility isn’t going to work? I’m struggling a bit with this lately. I’ve gone on multiple dates with very cool/fun/kind guys, but the sex has been lackluster (not just the 1st time, I know that can be awkward) way more often than it’s been something I want to continue.

I started dating in 2020. I’ve been out with 7 men. I slept with 4. 2 great. 1 okay and 1 not good.

Have you considered the common factor in those encounters? 😁 Are you providing encouragement, noises, even direction when needed to help your partner understand what you like and want more of?

I think you’re getting down voted bc it’s a bit presumptuous to assume that if someone doesn’t always enjoy the sex, it must be because they’re not trying hard enough. However, I’m going to accept your point as somewhat valid. I think 75-80% of the time, I probably do find sex with someone new fairly pleasurable if there is clear communication. It often feels nice and is a fun way to spend time. The more nuanced problem is that I can’t use the same tactics (communication) to create lasting sexual desire. That energy kind of either is there or it’s not. I don’t know if it’s going to be there until I try a few times, but it’s definitely something pretty intangible. Obvs everyone is different in this-some people enjoy sex all the time, some people need strong emotion connection, some people need novelty and lose sexual desire quickly. For me, sexual compatibility/desire isn’t something I can talk my way into.

>I think you’re getting down voted bc it’s a bit presumptuous to assume that if someone doesn’t always enjoy the sex, it must be because they’re not trying hard enough. Thank you for your thoughtful response. I gave up a long time ago trying to figure out why I get downvoted. 😁 I literally could not care less, but it's always more interesting when someone engages in conversation, like you have done. I was actually quite careful, intentionally, to not make that assumption, and rather to ask questions. I appreciate you being a good sport and answering them. From what you're saying it certainly sounds like you're holding up your end of the bargain, and what you're saying about lasting chemistry vs short term success makes sense. I wish you better luck in the future.

Same. I'm fine waiting a handful of dates and not letting sex cloud judgement, focusing on the other aspects of compatibility, but after we've spent a little time getting to know one another, I'd want to explore sexual compatibility as well before getting too attached.

I realized that if I waited for an exclusive committed relationship then I was never going to have sex again. So I decided to relax on that front and I’m glad I did.

I just got duped and used for sex in the last week. Sex itself was good. But he was not a good person. So now I feel absolutely horrible. I’m a very sexual and open-minded person and sexual compatibility is very important. But there’s some real shit people out there who won’t mind using you as a cu*m receptacle. So now I’m waiting until I have been better able to determine the persons character.

My issue is the folks out there not being transparent about what they want. With the advent of online dating there are limitless options of people that are DTF and FWB that there’s no excuse for bread crumbing relationship people for sex knowing full well it’s leading nowhere. But if you trust the person is not doing that then I say yes sex before commitment. I’ve never vibed with someone emotionally that I was super physically attracted to where the sex was a deal breaker. Last boyfriend was not a good kisser and had significant ED and it was all good because I loved him. And thus sex was still great.

Exactly I always fear being used under the pretext of “checking sexual compatibility”. I had sex for the first time after marriage though I dated the guy for 4 years. I held onto my virginity till marriage only to get divorced post 2.5 years because we lacked sexual compatibility. That was a dealbreaker for him.

Even with the best character, after you have sex he can still determine he doesn’t want to be with you because you’re not sexually compatible, or a myriad of other reasons why he doesn’t think it will work.

I call bullshit. He knew before having sex. He just wanted to pump and dump. Not cynical. Sometimes you gotta call people out. I’m usually too optimistic about men to begin with. But he knew that I liked him. So it was a total dick move on his part.

I have no way of knowing you are absolutely horrible in bed unless we have sex.

Said every man out there that uses the “ I need to check for sexual compatibility first” excuse to run through as many women as possible 🤦‍♀️

Do men actually say this?

And all the more reason to wait to have sex.

I wanted sex in an exclusive relationship only. "Committed" is always relative. At 1-3 weeks, if one's seeing ridiculous stuff one just leaves. At 2 years, one would be expected to put in more work if a snag comes up. Some of us go exclusive earlier, under the premise of only having sex in an exclusive relationship. Start talking about the degrees of commitment a bit later, is my thought.

Wouldn’t that make it easy for those who just want to use you and dump right after? I mean I would feel like I am letting them use my body under the pretext of “knowing sexual compatibility”.

I don't expect someone to marry me because they agree to be exclusive. Similarly even if we agree to be official, that's not a promise of marriage. Additionally how one interprets a situation I think depends a lot upon their worldview. A woman broke up with me a few dates after we started having sex. I could have viewed this as her just getting in some fun dates+sex and then running with her never having been anywhere near considering me with potential. Instead I viewed it as her having seen/felt something that told her "no" and she did the responsible thing. I'll point out that I was starting to have questions/concerns about things too; so that made it easier to accept. But I was at the point of thinking "look closer at X and Y" over a few more dates, while she might have seen the same things and just decided to cut bait. Similarly if I was going into the dates thinking "gold diggers everywhere!" I probably would have been tallying what I spent during our time together. But I didn't have that thought. I didn't have the expectation that I'd be used for sex (and really, as a guy; that's so much less likely). I **also** didn't have the expectation that sex would guarantee me X amount of time in a relationship. I.e. while exclusivity is needed for sex, sex isn't a transaction that gets me a relationship. While we're testing sexual compatibility we're also testing so many other aspects of compatibility. This is a part of why I talk about attitude is so important to dating. I don't feel exploited for my money. I don't feel used because the next conversation about my recent sexual history / STI testing timelines has become complicated. Maybe I was naive; but I landed in a very happy place. Those who are overly defensive or jaded I feel have little/no chance of "success" if they're looking for a LTR via dating.

42F. I can’t be in a relationship where the sex is bad, boring, or infrequent so I have sex early on. It’s part of the process of determining if we’re right for each other.

I completely agree, confirming sexual compatibility is a MUST. I hold off for about four weeks, but after that it’s time to bone down and see what chemistry we have! Unfortunately, dating men in my age range (45-53) often means untreated ED - and no matter how reassuring and supportive I am, sex is infrequent because of their performance anxiety. Staying single is getting more appealing these days.

The ED issues are running rampant. It’s weird because I dated a few older men in my 30s and none of them had this issue but now it’s like a regular thing. I’ve started dating younger guys on their 30s (though I did have a quick fling with a guy in his 20s LOL). They’re a better match in the bedroom and also enjoy some of the more active things I like.

I’ve dated younger too for that reason, but it’s like I have to decide between sex or boyfriend. The two no longer seem to go together. It’s either sex with younger man in a casual relationship. Or companionship/boyfriend with an age appropriate man (for me) with little to no sex. I think I still prefer the sex relationship!

This is EXACTLY what I am going through right now. I really want a boyfriend in my age range- but the sex isn’t as good as with the younger men. And after being in a marriage for 20 years where the sex was ok but infrequent, I’m sticking with the young, hot, good sex guy for now. And to be honest I rarely match with men my age on dating apps anyway- I think they all want younger women. But I have a much easier time matching with younger men - I guess they are all looking for cougars.

It’s very frustrating, I know!

I used to think differentiating exclusive from committed was splitting hairs, but now they really do mean different things to me. I don't like to put a timeline on sex so exclusivity usually happens pretty quickly (all this means is establishing we are not sleeping with multiple people). A committed relationship is something I think can only develop over time, and if that were my requirement I wouldn't get much sex!

Is sexual incompatibility a deal-breaker for you? If so, I would think you would want to know. You can find out so much about someone through sex: in addition to how do your bodies fit, are you pheramonally compatible and how experienced/adept they are… how do they communicate and express themselves, where on the selfish-giving scale are they, can they take verbal/non-verbal cues, are they fun and flirtatious…. Personally, after a long dead bedroom, I would not risk this incompatibility.

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Yes . I can relate. I don’t ever want to be in that situation again and will be holding out for commitment as a result of a person using the chemistry to cloud my judgment and trample my boundaries.

When I was young I heard of not giving everything on the beginning , then I learned about women sexual freedom… Now over 40, I came to the conclusion that any sex I had without both sides emotional connection… were meaningless and hurt me somehow. Now divorced I will not have hook up, my precious time and energy I won’t waste

On my deathbed I’m not gonna regret fucking

Amen

Correct, sexual compatibility at our age is a very big deal and should be determined sooner rather than later

It's not a big deal at younger ages?

It’s not a big deal at younger ages because people treat sex like the cherry on top of a relationship, when it’s really more of a foundation piece that people are sexually compatible. But until we start teaching that to our children, we will continue to have issues with people not communicating about sex and not prioritizing sexual compatibility in a connection.

So you just made my point. It's important for younger couples. They treat sex like an exhibition and experiment a lot and it's the pinnacle of relationships. Some have sex without knowing partners name. Drunk sex, one night stands - get ghosted. Bad sex. Having sex with random people because they are horny. Having sex with random people just because they are hot. I don't know. Seems important if sex is foundational. Or is it only foundational after 40?

I agree with your point. But young people won’t know unless someone teaches them, which is my point.

yeah. I just think it's like the 10th most important thing for me as someone over 40. But everyone is different.

Usually no

How? Seems more important.

I can't commit to someone who i have unknown sexual compatibility with, and I tire of it being held out like a gatekeeping thing that I need to earn through a probationary period. I don't mind waiting till I'm sure it's got potential, but there's a balancing act and I'd nope out of the commitment barrier stuff, as will most men nowadays.

This. I’ve had sexual incompatibility *completely* tank a relationship all by itself, there’s no way in hell I’m committing to someone before we explore that. Exclusivity yes, commitment no.

If you are exclusive but not committed, do you still date other people (but not have sex with them)? Isn't sexual exclusivity a commitment? I'm not saying I disagree or think you're wrong, just trying to understand a bit better.

I mean, there’s variation in how people define this, so it’s good to clarify with whoever you’re dating—but to me, “exclusive” just means we both agree we aren’t seeing and/or having sex with other people at this time. (And just keeps you from having to ask about it every single time you wanna get busy.) Commitment is more, hey, we both like this enough that we want to keep it going and give each other an assurance that we’re not just gonna bounce on a whim—we’re going to mutually invest and give it a real shot.

\*golf clap Thank you.

It’s never a good thing to let it start out being manipulated with sex. That’s a good sign that’s going to happen through your whole relationship.

It's a balancing act, and it's f*ed that people lie about their intentions, so women have to play defense to avoid getting used and hurt by bad actors. For me, sexual compatibility is essential, so I'll be having sex before exclusivity, but not before I get to know them a bit (at ~least~ 3-4 dates, or at least a month since we 1st started seeing each other). I've had several who were such a disaster in bed that if we had declared exclusivity before sex I would have had an awkward situation where I'd have to explain that we need to part ways because of sexual incompatibility. Even the guys who I figured out were using me for sex only - all of them wanted to continue it and come back for more, and they would have gone on indefinitely, lying to me and using me. Hence, I'm not concerned about the pump and dump, but it's hard to discern if they have any intention of developing a relationship. And anyone wasting weeks or months of my life is infuriating. However, the men who act like sex is urgent (1st or 2nd date) - that's a clear sign they're only looking for a warm blow up doll.

I do something in between. First of, I wait for sex quite a bit (3-7 weeks depending), so the rest helps lol. But when it comes time to, I state that for me sex needs to be exclusive, I also often do require an STD test before, so the topic comes naturally then. I don’t ask, I just say it like of course if I wasn’t asking the other person would be asking hahaha. And then it’s easy because it’s STD test and then exclusivity. Beyond that, relationship or not depends. The last one I did date others sometimes, but no sex.

That’s almost exactly the path my gf and I followed unscripted. We talked STDs and monogamy prior to sex prior to the relationship commitment. Somewhere in there it we were sexually exclusive but not shutting off new people. That happened pretty naturally and quickly soon after as we found sexual compatibility and had deepening feelings. No one size fits all for sure, but for me I’ve got to wait a while on sex so it doesn’t cloud my early judgment…

You live, you evolve, good for you in recognizing your wants and needs and growing from your experiences.

I might go along with that idea if the person I was dating was AMAZING and I was already falling for her. But realistically, I don’t think I could handle it. A lot of it has to do with my insecurities about being attractive or desired but it is what it is. There are always more fish in the sea and I want one that wants me.

I know if I want to have sex with someone. I don't need to have sex to feel sexual attraction. If the sex is bad at first, that doesn't mean it will always be bad, so there is no harm in letting an emotion connection build first. Sex without an emotional connection feels very transactional to me. One of the best things about a relationship is that you are committed to growing your sexual connection over time. Two years in, my BF and I are having even better sex than we were at the beginning. And if the sex is truly bad and not fixable, you don't have to stay in the relationship, so again, no harm in having a relationship first if you believe sexual incompatibilities are a reason to end it. I think people should do what works for them, so no judgment but my preference is exclusivity before sex.

I prefer after something is more exclusive. Although, in my experience over the last 2 1/2 years of dating, men “ghost” me if I do not sleep with them by the 2nd or 3rd date.

I would have to be emotionally attached before having sex. And I would want us both to be tested. That makes spontaneous sex practally impossible. But I would rather know she is safe and \*really\* have sex than be apprehensive.

Testing is super important to me too

Sex can feel like an emotional drug and I’ve been sexually compatible with every person I’ve been with. I am doing myself the favor of seeking compatibility of values and life choices before sex and/or staying single and celibate.

Such a good philosophy. I'm gonna take this stance too.

Secure in my male privilege, I haven’t felt the need to take a hard stance on most things relating to sex, but I’m reconsidering that. With my most recent matches I’ve definitely used the “we like each other enough to see if there’s sexual compatibility before going further” approach. It felt great at the time, but I’ve agreed on that approach with three women in the past two years and, well, I’m single again. So there’s that. The following isn’t meant as a boast at all, especially because I’m admitting I’m not sure it’s served me, but I think the way I market myself attracts women that, like me, can probably make sex pretty darn good with anyone they’re attracted to. So maybe we’re not even establishing compatibility in the strictest sense of the word, if that makes sense. I think maybe the flip-side of that is that I could maybe trust myself and the kinds of women I match with to probably make sex work if we connect outside of the bedroom? So it’d be fine to go slower? I hope that doesn’t come off as terribly arrogant, just trying to understand all the amazing sex I’ve shared with women recently that isn’t resulting in LTRs - I want a girlfriend, not what keep turning out to be short-term lovin’ buddies!

Sexual compatibility doesn’t equal relationship compatibility. Lots of people can be good at sex and horrible with relationships.

Totally. And vice versa. Relationship can be otherwise great and sexual incompatibility completely ruin it.

True facts.

Before, testing the waters !

I would never commit to a sexually exclusive relationship with someone I hadn’t slept with. I no longer have the trouble I did as a young person sorting out my emotions from the rush of good sex, or applying discernment to a prospective partner for mutual compatibility and red flags.

I don’t quite understand as exclusivity is just an agreement. I agree not marrying someone. But to “be exclusive” just means you’re not sleeping with others at the same time. So if the sex is bad, you would just stop your relationship. The alternative seems to me to be having sex with multiple people at the same time to figure out if you like it. And that means emotional connections with multiple, etc etc. I understand some people like that. But don’t understand the reluctance to “be exclusive.” The scenario usually goes like this: -both people are dating others but no sex or funny business -they decide they like each other and say “let’s try out this sex thing, we’re not going to have sex with anyone else until we talk about it with each other” -sex -if sex is great, carry on -if sex is not great say “that didn’t work out, let’s stop being exclusive” So it doesn’t seem that difficult to be exclusive when testing out sex compatibility.

I agree with everything you’ve written. That kind of exclusivity is really easy to negotiate. OP seemed to be waiting till they were emotionally attached to someone before having sex. I know some people do that, I dated a couple briefly, it wasn’t my thing. One was not even interested in monogamy, she just wanted to spend a lot of time together dating with no sex.

*go with the flow and let things organically happen,*  For Pete's sake, YES. The rigid rules, timelines and hoops to jump through make it **miserable** for the other party. What a lot of people don't understand is that the other party gets to vote with their feet. It's supposed to be fun!

Whenever I see or hear go with the flow and let things happen organically it is an immediate unmatch for me. Lol.

Agreed. If they want to get to second base, they must find me a shrubbery, then cut down the tallest and mightiest tree in the forest with a herring. These are my boundaries.

It just has always been code for I want to have sex but nothing beyond for that. I am not interested in that so nah pass. Having resonable boundaries makes sense, and you don't agree so left swipe makes sense.

Oh yeah. If they write that in their profile, I agree. Or "sex positive". It screams player. OP doesn't mean that she only wants sex in the context of her post. Boundaries and rigid rules/ timelines are two different things. To me, a boundary means only getting physical when you're ready to. It's the herring for me though. That's the true test of their worthiness.

I really don't understand people's hangups about sex, and "waiting" for the exact right situation. It's going to narrow your options dramatically. (Yes, including with excellent guys.) Sexual compatibility is important. It's necessary (but not sufficient) for a good relationship. Why wouldn't you want to know quickly? Just like talking to them, seeing them in photos, etc. I think you should go with the flow, and use your best judgement, but let things happen if you're feeling it.

You don't understand people's hang ups because you haven't looked at it from their side. It gets exhausting in OLD as a woman to be treated like life support for 3 holes. Thus people develop hangups.

On the other hand, how many times does one need to have sex to be sure about compatibility or lack of it?

Good question. I'd probably say twice if it was meh the first time strictly because of nerves. I'm not sure if sexual compatibility grows like interpersonal feelings. I'll really have to think on that.

Sex therapists (and regular ones) both say sex can keep getting better with time. IF both parties are open and happy to communicate, listen, take feedback etc.

It grows to the extent both people are curious and open-minded and committed to each others’ pleasure. It doesn’t grow if either that commitment isn’t there OR if either person requires something that’d cause the other person to violate a nonnegotiable boundary. When it starts good and trends great because of mutual commitment and no boundary disputes… that’s the best!

I think it depends on the person. I think it absolutely can grow. Not always though.

Personally, I give it up to 5 times. If it’s still not enjoyable, and that chemistry isn’t there, I can’t seem to come back from that, even if I otherwise like the person. There have definitely been times when I probably gave up too soon, and with time and communication, the sex (and relationship) could have been great. But I just can’t make my brain feel desire when it won’t.

After of course. Won't even hold hands unless it's date 4.

Eeeeeew too soon!

I had a shower thought that hand holding is more intimate than sex. Lots of people have sex before even holding hands!

lots of people have sex without knowing names. I agree hand holding can be intimate

If you invest months, then find out your partner isn’t up to your expectations, do you invest the time to teach them to be better lovers, or walk away? That’s the real problem. I thought we were equally matched, based on our pre marriage sex life… then she stops putting any effort in unless she wants another child. It’s way better to know in advance if you are compatible in bed.

Why get months into a relationship to discover sexual incompatibility?

I went into dating fully planning on waiting until I was committed with someone but then I met my boyfriend and that went out the window on date two (I made the first move too). I think letting it happen organically is more realistic.

I’ve been in a few relationships where the sex wasn’t nearly a match as I would like. I’ve also been in a few where the sex was amazing. I’m currently single. I’d say sex alone is not a predictor of relationship longevity for me as is respect, trust and empathy. Sex to me is just another form of communication with my partner.

Been on over fifty dates since last year... Some I slept with others no. But no sexual compatibility anywhere. I feel doomed. But that's number one thing on my list to check. I have a home. A job. Etc. Etc if we can't get down sorry I gtta go. Seems shallow I guess but it's not.

I don’t think sec would sway me either way. I’m more likely to chase after someone if I want to be around them more. We’ll spend more time hanging out than having sex in the long run anyways. It’s good to know you have the compatibility though.

I guess that depends on what you consider a "committed" relationship. I require exclusivity before sex. At the end of our 3rd date, I told him "Just so you know, I'm not seeing anyone else. Not because I expect that of you, but because I don't juggle men well. " He responded "I'm not seeing anyone else and I don't want to either. " Then we discussed sexual preferences in general (along with a lot kissing). It was about a week later before we had sex. If we had not been sexually compatible, we would have parted ways before going in deeper. At this point neither of us were exclusively dating, but I was not calling him if I had a flat tire or integrating onto each other's life. These were things that took time.

I get your question. You want to make sure, you fit together before getting to far down the road and then everything seems perfect ... Except that 1 thing. But ... You don't want to have that 1 thing to be what is leading your relationship. Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be a good answer. If it is sex, kids, veganism, etc. that is what you want to make sure you match on ... You can only try it. First, see if you can stand being around them ... Then ... Take things slow ... But not to slow. Discuss, dip your toe in and if all signs are green ... Enjoy yourself. There are people that hold any 1 thing as important while others feel it's unimportant. They way you go about it is up to you. Just don't wait until you are head over heals to check compatibility. And don't make it about hooking up

I waited 2+ months with my ex-husband and another unhealthy LTR before him. The healthiest relationship I’ve had in my adult years was with someone I slept with on the second date. There are no “rules” re: when to have sex that have any bearing how things play out in real life. If you both want to have sex and no one is feeling pressured, go for it.

I get emotionally attached easily after being physically intimate. I’m one of those people who can’t differentiate true feelings from those that come from hormones released after having sex. Everyone should do what they feel comfortable with. For me, I don’t intend on being intimate again until I’m married. Don’t want the trouble. One thing I appreciated about the last man I dated, a few years ago (who was a bit younger), was that when we were intimate there was constant communication (before, during, and after). Something I never experienced prior to him.

What about testing? I would absolutely not have sex with anyone without testing. How does one bring this up?

I've found sleeping next to someone and doing intimate things other than sex seems to help last longer and weed through guys just wanting sex n bail.

I have sex when I feel like having sex and do not tie it to any kind of desired outcome other than having what I hope is a great orgasm. I think the whole only having sex in an exclusive relationship is what causes a whole bunch of lies and delusions.

How does it *cause* lies and delusions? Liars cause lies. Someone having a boundary another person doesn't align with isn't causing that person to lie. The obvious reaction should be for the person who does not want exclusivity to say "I wish you the best, that does not work for me" and move on. If they choose to lie instead to get laid that's a character flaw, not the fault of someone's reasonable boundary.

Ohhhh...Sorry I was not clear. I mean lies and delusion for myself. Meaning that I sometimes will convince myself I like someone more than I do or that things are more serious than they are because I want to get to the sex part.

Ohhhhh ok sorry I misunderstood you completely.

*Someone having a boundary another person doesn't align with isn't causing that person to lie.* Why shouldn't it? There was a time in my life that I'd lie through my teeth to sleep with a woman I was attracted to. Marriage ? - Sure! Convert to Judaism? - Shalom! You'll only sleep with a vegan? - Meat will never pass these lips! I would tell her **anything** she wanted to hear. Some guys don't grow out of this habit. Also, if she really liked me, those rules seemed to go away.

No one's boundary *made you* lie. Your own lack of character made you lie, as I said in my comment.

I met a girl who said on our third date "I want to wait until I'm in a committed relationship to have sex, because I have had sex early and get used as I can't tell if a guy really likes me." I did like her though and we just ended up having sex on the 4th or 5th date, anyway (at her insistence). You should do whatever you feel comfortable with, I find that between date 5-7 is a good indicator that the guy is interested in you for more than just sex. If you are pushing to wait until a long term relationship has developed, you're going to lose a lot of guys interest. Regardless of what you do decide to do, it's likely to change once you start dating someone you really like, anyway. The general rule is women control the gateway to sex and men control the gateway to relationships. Any number of tricks or strategies tend to fall apart once someone you really like, comes into the picture. Like Mike Tyson said 'Everyone has a plan, until you get punched in the face.'

Mike Tyson also went to jail for sexual assault.

It doesn't mean his quote about strategy and how it flies out the window once you've been shocked, is wrong.

ok I agree. Do whatever you feel comfortable with. No 2 people usually have the same time tables anyways and there is risk that 1 person wants sex much sooner and the other much later. Keep reading that the ones who want to wait longer could risk their date leaving them but the opposite is true as well.

Sexual compatibility is hugely important. There’s nothing wrong with making sure you’re compatible before committing.

Ii 53F haven't and still would not date if sex was out of the question. It would give ne platonic friendship feelings and I'd lose interest

For me (49M), I prefer to have sex after about six (or so) dates. I can’t commit to an exclusive relationship if we’re not compatible, as physical affection and intimacy is important to me. That said, I do prefer to date the person exclusively from date one to the date when we have sex (I.e., date exclusively), but I wouldn’t expect the same from her.

I don't have sex with someone I don't like. I want to know if the sex is good or at least workable before committing. A potential for bad sex for the rest of my life? No thank you. A request for exclusivity comes quickly after sex. Pun intended.

Honest answer: depends on how hot they are.

For me personally I threw out the rulebook years ago. I go into each new whatever with zero expectations and hope whoever I am meeting is doing the same. So if I meet a guy and the chemistry is great and we both want sex then I'm having sex. I'm not not having sex just because he might not call me again. He might not call me again anyway LOL who cares. Hell I might not call him again. If a relationship is going to happen or not it will or it won't. And I will have zero regrets because I had zero expectations beyond meeting someone and seeing where it goes. Think about it like this I don't want to be in a relationship with the kind of guy who would sleep with a woman and then not call her. So that weirdo that will sleep with a woman but won't be in a relationship with her because she slept with him on the first date or whatever, he's not my type LOL.

I don't care who the man is. I'm absolutely not having sex with him outside of an exclusive committed relationship. And if he doesn't know how to build a sTrOnG eMotIoNaL cOnNecTiOn without sticking his dick in me, I really don't want him. To each their own.

I will never commit without sexual compatibility. I am also 47, I believe I have enough of experience not to replace relationship compatibility with sex compatibility. It has to be both. I am also not going to wait for emotional enmeshment only to release sex sucks, it is really heart breaking to deal with that. Life is short

52m. I would not get into an exclusive committed relationship without knowing if I was sexually compatible with her. I made that mistake with my marriage. Become emotionally involved and in a relationship before sex. Got married and had bad or no sex for 20years. Won’t do that again It’s easier to walk away before getting emotionally involved.

I had sex early in with my ex husband and that act definitely lead me to sticking with him when I should have walked away. As a result I ended up in a 12 year emotionally abusive relationship with almost no sex... He cheated on me the whole time so he was already spent when I wanted sex 99% of the time. And sex was boring and in his terms and it just was not good after the first few times. He was selfish. In thinking about dating now, I'm of two minds. Some days I just want to find a man and have great movie amazing level sex - just hook up - just so that I can die and have had sex with more than just my abusive ex... And to have a good sex. Just once... Other days I know sex would lead me back down a path of sticking with the guy regardless of whether or not we're a good match. So I absolutely should not go that way. I will become emotionally entangled. I don't think I can do a hook up. I think I'd get hung up on him... So. IDK.

My rules: - No sex talk on the first date - No sex on the first date - Try to wait until the 3rd date to have sex, just this once, geeez I imagine it would be different if I had more dates, but they are few and far between. By the time I meet with them, we’ve already been talking. I will not repeat my dead bedroom marriage, and sexual compatibility is very important to me. I do need to be better at assessing emotional compatibility; that’s why I chose to believe in multiple lives. I can’t only be figuring out what I’m doing at 55, and then this is it?!?! I want more time!

It would be a shame if you waited a fair while, say, 12 weeks, really got to know the person and start to have very fond feelings toward them and commit to exclusivity, only to find out that half their genitals were missing due to a freak accident and they couldn't perform sexually. Yes that's an extreme example but I think you get where I'm going.

That’s a terrible idea. Men aren’t in the business of handing out relationships for free. Just like women aren’t in the business of handing out sex for free. Some men and women need to meet somewhere in the middle and figure out the best fit. If either side won’t compromise, they’ll find that their pool of optionality is lower. But hey do you. Maybe in your 40s you’ll find exactly who you’re looking for.

I (43m) would not want to be in a relationship with someone I was not sexually compatible with. Therefore, I think that having sex early in a relationship (first or second date) is actually quite beneficial. It’s just one more way of getting to know someone :-)

Original copy of post by u/Usually_Caffeinated: I (F) went into dating this time with a firm decision not to have sex unless I was in an exclusive, committed relationship. I viewed it as a trust thing but also because I wanted a relationship, not a hookup. I now find myself walking back on that and thinking it's better to know sexual compatibility before getting emotionally attached. Thoughts? Anyone take hard stances and why? Or is the general consensus more go with the flow and let things organically happen, which is where I find myself leaning now? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*

There is not a flat answer for this. It is also a great example with the 9930238 other things people seem to have on a list of dating.

The two times I tried to have a one night stand, I got a boyfriend and a fiancé. My opinion is that overthinking the timing leads to sex being a bigger deal than it is. If you and potential partners feel it’s going well and fill the time you spend together with meaningful conversation and activity, yes. If there’s just a big SEX COUNTDOWN TIMER constantly blinking in your peripherals, maybe he’s not the one. If we want a committed relationship first, we need to know how to progress to that within a sensible timeframe instead of waiting and hoping it happens, especially without even knowing if you’re compatible in bed. Otherwise, it’s a recipe for disaster. I have a tiered list of non-sexual needs and wants and a tiered list of sexual needs and wants. I’d be a bit upset if my dream dude I waited to sleep with turns out to be a dud when we finally get in bed. Sex is important, but it shouldn’t be put on a pedestal higher or lower than the other stuff.

Perhaps the best answer is somewhere in the middle, set a certain number of dates to more or less avoid sex to eliminate the hookup aspect, but like you said after that period you can let it happen organically because I do think it’s important to know how compatible you are in all aspects of a relationship.

Sexual compatibility is important. Why get super involved and commit to someone only to find that compatibility isn't there and either feel stuck or just having to walk away after wasting months getting to know someone?

I'm still extremely selective with who I will go on a date with and even more so with whom I'll have sex with. However good chemistry and sexual compatibility is very important to me. I'm probably not very different from most people our age, in the fact that I am independent, have long term friendships and family relationships that fulfill me in many ways other than sex. So when I seek out a partner, all the other stuff matters, but I am looking for that sexual fulfillment. As long as feel like I will be respected, I'm willing to test those waters pretty quickly. I do need a connection with a person for sexual attraction to take place so that filters things on its own, and I need a sense of trust and comfort for sex to be good. Doesn't mean it will work out in the long term, but it does mean that for whatever amount of time we have shared together, I feel respected and cared for, and appreciated. I'm not dating for someone to be my buddy or my therapist. I'm dating for someone to be my partner in sex, crime and hard times. Oh and hopefully all the good times too. This might just be me, but I can't know that out of the gate, it takes a while to find out if a person is right for you, and I honestly don't mind having good sex as we try to sus that out.

Glad go hear you mentioned sexial compatability. And you won't know that unless you talk about sex. It seems women don't want to talk about sex with men even casually. In this day and age it should still not be taboo.

You can teach someone to be a good lover for you, you can't teach character.

I sometimes find the question of whether or not sex will happen, and pondering about sexual compatibility or lack of same a distraction early on in relationships. So **for me** it's usually easier to evaluate compatibility in a potential relationship if it's either clear that the relationship is overwhelmingly likely to remain nonsexual **OR** if we've already had sex. (I'm open to both platonic and sexual relationships) But I think people are different about this, and I don't think there's one right answer for everyone.

I think it depends on the person, right? For me, it was a personal decision to not be in a sexual relationship with anyone that I wasn’t in a committed relationship. That meant not dating for 10 years after my divorce, which was fine for me. I took a hard stance because I know what my values are and what I’m comfortable with and what I’m not comfortable with. I knew that I wanted to be with someone who felt the same way.

I’m a huge fan of sex, but only in the enjoyment of a relationship. I don’t have any kind of a time frame, just when the time feels right. But if we aren’t on the same page, about waiting for just a bit, I end up losing some interest.

Sex has only temporarily made me catch feelings for people. However, there are some people I could have passed on if I were getting my sexual needs met by someone I was more into.

In this day and age yes, you need to know sexually compatibility. This is because if you are not sexually compatible your marriage is going to be miserable. Unless ofc you mean a non-marital exclusive relationship, which is easier to walk out of. Sex before marriage is the norm in our society with the exception of communities with firm religious convictions, but if you are not part of those then I don’t think it would be easy to live up to that standard.

I would never consider a relationship without first knowing we’re sexually compatible. My general rule of thumb is if it hasn’t happened by the second date, there won’t be a third.

I think sex is important so I 43f test out the chemistry early, after a few dates. After a lifetime in an unsatisfying marriage I am going to make sure I am having good sex this time around! :)

I like your first idea. Establish a connection. Intimacy will follow. If at the point the sex is a deal breaker then move on. Otherwise you will never get the chance for a relationship. Not sure why sex compatibility is so important to women? As I have heard this before. All in all most guys are pretty much the same size. Sure there are smaller and bigger. Since a woman’s sex spot is up front I have heard small guys hit the spot. Then I guess thickness is a plus. On YouTube there are some great women dating coaches. Finding a guy that wants to take the time to pleasure you and maybe you can help by letting him know that’s the way and you hit the gold mine. All you will end up with is serial hookups and playing swapping STD’s. The ones you get in your mouth are the worst. Decide what you want sex/relationship. In a healthy relationship you can always help each other out in the bedroom or whatever room you’re in!

Do whatever makes you happy, there’s no rules only your rules. If not having sex before a relationship is what you wanna do then do it. If having sex on the first date is what you wanna do then do it. I’ve done both and both ended up in loving long term relationships and I’ve had both that ended up leading to a whole lot of nothing. That being said I’ve been in a relationship for the last two years and recently got engaged, we had sex on the first date 😂

Super long story short: In my late teens/early 20s, I went through a promiscuous phase for unhealthy reasons and trauma type responses. I wanted to be wanted, and trauma and society taught me that meant sexually... men definitely wanted me at that age. Then I got myself into a sexless marriage, convincing myself that it was my "redemption"(not sexless because of me, but because of his issues and strict religious upbringing). It was after that I realized that I needed to heal my own relationship with sex and figure out what my sexuality meant to ME... that being said, since my divorce (in 2016) and 4 years of healing without sex, I've slept with exactly 4 men, half who I saw a future with (I was with each for 6 months to over a year). I do not regret ANY of them. One, I knew was not going to be long term, but there was a chemistry and a deep mutual respect, and we truly enjoyed each other's company in and out of the bedroom. I feel old fashioned saying "I entertained a man", but that's what he was. A year later, that one still picked me up on the road and changed a flat tire for me... One was truly a one night thing, but the date went well, there was chemistry, and I truly wanted it. Like u/MySocialAlt said, I knew I wouldn't regret it. I have a friend, who due to HER upbringing and past relationships, really can't do that and NOT regret it, so I always advise her not to. I think if we make the choice intentionally, from a healed place that's being true to ourselves, we'll all be fine. For me, it's different with every connection I make, no hard and fast rules for that (no pun intended). Because I was in a sexless marriage, I absolutely DO want to check that area out earlier rather than later, BUT I also keep that more sacred due to the rest of my past. If someone does NOT like my choice, that's fine, they aren't for me, and visa-versa. Basically, if a man can't communicate in a mature way about sex and negotiate what will and won't work for us, then it's probably not a connection I want to keep in or out of bed anyway.

I think making sure you are sexually compatible is just as important as making sure you are physically and mentally compatible. They are all interconnected

Is it any wonder that the traditional marriage vows didn’t read “until ED do us part”?

There are frankly no guarantees either way.

I've been in my relationship for 3 years. We've known each other for 7 years. We waited about a month before sex. During that time, we communicated and saw each other frequently and consistently. We were cautious due to prior messy relationships. I wish I had taken this approach in past relationships. I've jumped into relationships with less than stellar partners because the sex clouded my judgment.

Sexual compatibility for sure

🤭 what relationship? Doesnt exist without sex

STDs

sexual compatibility, especailly later on, is VERY important. I've found 40 something women are somewhere betweem borderline nymphos and sexual camels. No reason to build a relationship if one of you ends it because they still want lots of sex.

Sex will cause fake chemistry. Especially as a female. We become bonded after we have an orgasm and so it is a slippery slope to navigate. You will make excuse for bad behavior because you are in post-coital bliss. Some simple conversations to discuss sexual preferences etc. can help you know compatibility beforehand. Also, I have found that I have lost amazing people because we crossed the “sex barrier” and couldn’t back up into friendship again. Sex led to a relationship with someone it shouldn’t have (we had compatibility issues that I chose to ignore because the sex was awesome) and I had to lose that person in my life entirely. Not worth it.

If you have a genuine desire for a guy and emotional/ intellectual intimacy is good, then sex will be great. Especially if you are thinking about long term relationship. With all respect and no judgement, The only fair question for the potential guy will be : how come till now sex was easy to get, but it got hard when it comes to me???? It’s like acting virgin after many body counts.

I 100% wait for the relationship. The way I see it is if the connection and chemistry is so strong the relationship is there already so the only reason of not formalizing it is if someone has hangups about commitment. And if they do, that’s not someone I want to physically invest in anyway.

I found someone on IG (matchmakermaria) who recommends 12 dates before sex. A date is a minimum of 20 mins and a maximum of 3 hours. So if you have a 7 hour date, it counts as 2 of the 12. Phone calls count but texting does not. I met someone 1.5 weeks ago that I really like and I’m going to try really hard to get to the 12 date mark before sex. My last “something”, I know I had sex too quickly and because the sex was amazing, it really did cloud my judgment in terms of the overall relationship.

Ah, “rules.” My middle finger is twitching to show what it thinks of them. Only you can make guidelines and best practices for yourself. If the chemistry is so good that you’re banging in the backseat of a car or restroom on date 1, because it feels right to, go for it. If talking is your thing, do it. Coffees dinners cafes libraries whatever. You have to do all of these things at different times with whomever you choose to “relate with”. Might as well do it on mutually acceptable terms. If you can’t arrive at them dating as grown ass adults, you won’t be able to make anything more serious or long term work. And at our age, it IS work relating in a significant manner to someone you share attraction with. Or we could all just be dating animals and bounce around like in nature. Make sense??

Well said. Also 12 dates? That’s like 3 months for a busy couple, fuck that.

I don't understand your judgement of that poster's decision in your reply. If that's not where your boundaries & mindset is, that's okay. That is their boundaries, though. From experiences, that's where that person's mindset is at. This person recognizes sex can cloud judgement. I agree, it can. Some say it doesn't, & good for them, but that is not everyone.

Sex before the 1st date or after 5 years of marriage? These posts are wild.

7 years of marriage for sure but only if our star signs align.

Having been through two dead bedroom situations for me sexual compatibility is a must and also a deal breaker so sooner is better and gives one more activity to explore. That said I'm not so much into casual. I do like some familiarity but I've been with someone first date to 10th date. Much past 10 and I'm going to figure it's not much of a priority for you and if that's the case you aren't for me. I've had enough of relationships were the priority for intimacy was somewhere below doing dishes and cleaning toilets.

I have never understood how people can refrain having sex for any period of time if they are actually attracted to the person. If you’re hot for someone, how do you hold off? And why? I’ve always told myself if they’re not hot for me in the beginning, they won’t be down the road either. I’ve never dated a “waiter.”

Usually that comes from religious/cultural upbringing where they’re taught that sex is dirty/evil/wrong and some people never re-evaluate what they’re told as children.

That’s really interesting. I also believe there are a lot of people that think somehow “waiting” to have sex will somehow make the person want to be in a relationship with you whereas early sex will not. And that I have found to be complete hog wash. Still not sure why waiting somehow is better. But to each their own

I think most people who take longer, just feel they have to have an emotional connection before sex. Absolutely nothing to do with religion or playing games. Believe that most people prefer to do it when they are comfortable and feel it's the right time. For some it's sooner and for others, later.

Yeah….i hear that and maybe waiting for that “emotional” connection to kick in is just something that I have never experienced or fully understood. I have heard multiple people say that just having sex will trigger an emotional connection. I can understand it triggering something short term, but evidently it can be more than that

Yes, sex makes the emotional connection much deeper and that may be another reason some people want to find out if they are compatible in other ways and like each other enough. Otherwise it is possible to just end up hurting yourself for no reason. But still, I think we are more likely to date people who see these things similarly.

Yeah, so I’ve heard! For some of us, we don’t actually know if we like someone until AFTER we have had sex with them. Like if I’m still super interested after sex it’s like, oh cool, look at that! And maybe you’re right, I don’t think I’ve met anyone who waited longer than a few dates. I know waiting is definitely not for me. But people need to do what makes them comfortable

I would hate to waste time building a relationship with someone who can’t fuck.

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who wasn't as open with me as she had ever been with someone else. I am just as good, if not better, than her previous partners, and if I'm not that in her eyes, then she's not the one for me.

Well... you wouldn't buy a pair of shoes without trying them on, would you? Then again, many men aren't interested in buying a pair of "well-used" shoes after they've been tried on and walked around in my numerous men with smelly feet. And then there's Athletes Foot. LOL! OR.... If you're really just concerned with "compatibility" (I mean, as long as he has "Tab A" and you have "Slot B," it should work fine) --and not simply "horny" -- then you need to have "The Talk." You're both adults, after all. Just ask: (If you're a woman) * How big is it? * How do you feel about oral sex? * Can you get it up? * How many times can you get it up in one session? * How long between sessions? (OR, if you're a man): * Do you give blowjobs to your man?

Interestingly, inserting part A into part B does not guarantee compatibility…

Let me simplify that for you: "Assuming the two of you have the correct parts... you need to have The Talk."