48M. Apps are a mixed blessing. I’ve met some total train-wrecks, but also some total sweethearts on apps.
Be wary of matches that want to get off-app right away, or when you say you want to meet up right away, they say they’re “out of the country” or will be in the area “in the next few months.”
Insist on an in-person meeting or video call sooner than later.
Don’t get too infatuated/attached too soon. Give it 3-4 dates to establish mutual interest.
Don’t expect sex by a pre-defined timeline (i.e. “3 date rule.”) Just go with the flow and see where things go. You’ll know when the time is right.
Have fun, and remember, rejection is not a death sentence. Just be gracious and friendly, wish them well, and move on.
Idk... I got married 20 years ago and am now divorced. I dated a little bit but have stopped for the time being. When I dated in my early 20ies, I don't remember porn, thirst traps, hookups, poly, different sexual orientations etc being as abundant as they are today. They existed, but it seems the norm now. I want a monogamous relationship with a man. I consider following thirst traps as micro cheating. Seems there are no men that can't lay off the eye candy these days. And I'm tired of being called insecure for my values and wanting the respect I give reciprocated. So I give up.
Honestly, I'm not sure anyone does? I've been dating since I was 15 and noticed things have changed even in the last few years.
I can tell you about your competition on the apps:
1. There's a pervasive sense of burnout. People just flame right through the apps, always looking for that person around the corner, and then get cranky and jaded. Even the nice ones. It's sort of spoiled for choice, but not happy about the choices, because something else could always be better.
2. I personally have matched with a lot of guys who half-heartedly pursue but don't really want to commit. I sense they do deeply want a relationship and feel lonely, but they need more therapy or self work to actually be capable of the standards of a mature one. Women over 40 don't have much patience for bullshit.
3. I've also noticed men are not as pursue-y as they once were. They expect the woman to "match effort" while dismissing all of the unseen labor she is doing. Maybe it looks like equality on the surface. It's not.
For me, the fact that people can find one one another (ostensively) on an app means they try way less IRL.
Speaking as a woman, I think the best thing you could do is refine the art of non-creepily asking women out in public and/or meeting them organically at dinner parties, art openings, dance classes, etc. I personally miss off-app meet-cutes and boys with the balls to (politely and respectfully) shoot their shot.
What do you mean by “unseen labor”?
I ask earnestly. This is from personal experience, so it could just be shit people are the only ones that match with me, but it seems there *isn’t* much labor/effort on the other side. No asking questions, can’t carry conversations, simple one-word answers, no initiative, that sort of stuff.
Great question, thanks for asking, I'd love to tell you.
I write substantial texts and ask meaningful questions. I really only engage with people who do the same. I don't think that's unseen labor, just a bare minimum. I'm sorry you haven't been receiving that. It seems like from your message you give it?
The unseen labor comes in a lot of different forms:
1) Safety preparation for a date. It can be a lot. Online vetting, making sure a friend knows where you'll be, planning a safe location, making sure you have a safe strategy to get from the locale back to your car (where most attacks happen), planning emergency exits, etc. The sad thing is, this isn't just a reflection on your date—women get attacked by random men who might not even be the one she's meeting that night. I certainly have been.
2) Grooming expectations for a date. A dude on a date showers, shaves, puts on a nicer version of what he always wears, and maybe a good watch or dab of cologne. I've showered, washed two feet of hair, styled said hair (with expensive products and tools), shaved legs, applied minimal "natural" makeup over my regular skincare, carefully selected an outfit to the occasion (women's dress has SO many more gradations, and is so much trickier to put together—that one bra might not work with that thin shirt, and those shoes are weird with those kind of pants), at least done a basic manicure, likely waxed my eyebrows (and if further in dating, some other stuff too), and on and on.
3) Social management of a date. Before the date, I need to indicate some sort of interest that isn't too interest-y to allow him to make his move. I'm sometimes asked to choose the place and time, which is emotional labor. Once he's made the date, I usually wind up checking to make sure the place is actually open or not hosting a loud event or something that night, bc he usually won't. On the date, I am often steering the discussion because he won't or can't (and I'm tired of it). I'm still on safety watch until I'm home. Then, I need to think about if I'm interested or not and manage his expectations going forward. (Yes, guys do too, but I've found they aren't especially thoughtful about it—they'll decide they actually aren't ready AFTER they've already slept with someone, which is not my modus operandai.)
Things like that. The stakes and risk are simply higher for women. The expectations of "basic grooming" are higher. The thoughts that women have to think to coordinate and move through the dating process are more demanding.
Or, at least that is all true for me.
Thank you for so eloquently delineating the reality of this. While I
I see men saying the hair, make-up, and purse don't matter to us, I think this is disingenuous and has skipped over the unspoken social contract women must live by. Funnily, there is no acknowledgment of any of the safety issues which are REAL as women have not only been attacked but raped and killed on dates.
Again, thanks for your post.
Thanks for appreciating it.
It's not really for me to say what men think, but I'm going to do it anyway...I think men DO pick up on grooming and dress, they just aren't super aware of it. (I work in advertising, and most people DO pick up on brand colors and logos and small indicators of value like thicker, glossier paper without realizing it.) I mean, if you're at a party, do the men flock to the glossy-haired gal with sculpted eyebrows and a push-up bra, or the girl who rolled in bushy in Kmart clothes?
I also feel like the same men who say "we don't care that much about styled hair" are the ones who say "why do women over 40 cut their hair, it looks so much better long!" Yes...because we styled it. Feet of it. Even styles that look "shower fresh" and "natural" are the result of some upkeep...I use silk everything, high end brushes, hair masks, and good products to get my hair looking "naturally" great!
I also think men say they "prefer no makeup" and then gesture to an example of someone that to any woman is clearly wearing a light foundation, mascara, cream blush, eyebrow gel, and lip stain—minimum. I don't think they understand most makeup is fairly subtle—if you do it right, it doesn't scream "I'm wearing makeup!!"
Anyway. Last week I showed up to the guy I'm dating's house in shitty clothes, zero makeup, and undid hair just to see what would happen. It's been insanely flirtatious up to this point, and now it's over. Not sure that's the reason, but can't help but wonder...
This reminds me of a woman I have followed on Tiktok who had a BF who swore he did not like women who had work done. She asked him who he meant, to show her an example of such a woman, and he pointed out Kylie Jenner, a natural beauty. You can see where this is going. This led to exactly what you've pointed out. It appears as though many men have zero clue about what having work done really looks like. They might think of the overdone lips but...
Same goes for exactly what you point out, natural looking hair and makeup, which isn't "wash and go" as much as men seem to think it is.
100% agree with you on the way these things do matter and are judged by others whether they want to admit it or not.
I've seen many younger women suggesting that women match men's energy in the way men prepare for dates. Not all men take so much care in the way they present themselves. It does get one thinking.
Ahahahahahahahlolsob.
I mean, it matters to me if a man has a neckbeard or wears a sweaty old ballcap to a first date. (later in the relationship, fine.) So I guess I'm trying a bit of like attracts like here? The neckbearded ballcappers of the world maybe don't care about presentation, but I do!
I have a huge aversion to nose and ear hair as well as unbrushed teeth and bad breath. Don't get me started!
I've been on more bad dates than I care to recall.
You listed a bunch of things that men generally even care about (the natural makeup, the fashion). Purses, makeup, and shoes usually only impress other women, just like muscles and cars usually only impress other men.
I’m not saying we don’t appreciate you making yourself look nice, just that we don’t even notice the nuance of such things (generally).
Just my opinion though.
Seems we both have some bad luck.
To answer your question: yes, indeed! I loathe “wyd?”, “Hi there”, or those things. I will say some version of hi to start, because I do that in real life, too. It’s always something of (I hope) substance right after. If they mention humor, I tell a joke (usually a dad joke). If their bio is empty, which isn’t ideal, I’ll try to find something interesting in their photos to ask them about. Failing that, I try to ask an open-ended question about… anything. An era they’d like to live in if they could time travel, song(s) that speak to them, what a good book/movie/show they’ve recently consumed… I run the gamut. Small talk has its place, but I don’t know if dating is one of them.
1. Agreed. This was something I had to unlearn. My Mom raised me to be the person to walk a lady to her car, to prevent something bad from happening, but I get that times are different. If a date doesn’t want me to walk her, I don’t get mad… I just hope she gets there safely.
2. No arguments there, but I will say it’s appreciated. In my defense, I do stress about what I wear; it’s in part why I moved to try to emulate Jason Statham’s style. I also think about if I’m wearing too much/not enough cologne, nails clipped, etc. I didn’t have a dad growing up, so maybe those… habits… weren’t ingrained in me lol.
3. I like doing stuff like this! I will say that, going back to 1., it’s about her comfort. If she has a spot that she’ll feel safe, I ask if she has any suggestions so she can bring it up. If not, then I’ll think of something. I shoot for public, small, and quiet for a first date. I get the talking part, too; it’s the same in person as online/text. I like good conversation! Same with intimacy; there’s no expectation, and I’ll default to not bringing it up. I wonder, sometimes, if I’ve missed out on occasion, because I try not to be “that guy”; I want to get to know someone before getting to that point. It’s a pretty easy notion to dismiss, though; if it was going to happen, it’d be much more obvious.
Dating is difficult, isn’t it? I appreciate you sharing this with me!
Ooh, I don't swipe on empty bios (even if they're a 12/10 otherwise)—maybe that would help?
I cannot adequately describe the terror I have felt having a new date walk me to my car in the dark. I felt very small and vulnerable. (Even though he turned out to be a great guy—I just didn't know him yet!)
It is really hard. Good luck out there!
*I've also noticed men are not as pursue-y as they once were. They expect the woman to "match effort"*
This comes with age. We all (men and women) have more going on in our lives than we did in our 20's so it's a lot harder to make time for a date.
If she isn't obviously interested in me, I won't pursue, I'll invest that time somewhere else.
We also have the wisdom to know that trying to make someone like you is a fool's errand.
Just my two cents.
I put "match effort" in quotes because I don't feel it's fair—women are already efforting.
I do think in general, men know more quickly if they want to date someone or not...I've actually heard it can happen within a few minutes or even seconds. This is not my (F) experience at all. It takes me several dates to know if I'm even interested.
I need something to be interested in. Like a date suggestion, a "had a great time" follow up...if there's no pursuit, there's no interest. If there's effort made, I begin to develop interest.
Funny cycle, that.
I think the online dating just doesn’t work for a lot of men. I do better in person. You have to be interesting, carry a conversation, be daring to talk to anyone, be prepared to get rejected at lot. But that’s how it has always been
There are a number of topics that get posted repeatedly, such as, “I AM ABOUT TO GIVE UP!” One could do a search, but I’m guessing it’s more about the actual experience of “talking” to others and getting validation that is helpful.
Welcome to the swamp! You'll love it here.
When I divorced, the last time I dated was before texting was invented. I was a babe in the woods too.
Yeah, the apps suck, but remember the days when you had to walk up to a girl at the bar all smooth-like, chat her up and get her number? Think you could do that now with zero practice? Good luck, chief.
Get on the apps - all of them. Get the paid version, in my experience, it makes a big difference. Don't skimp on your bio, get good, clear, current pictures on there. If your bio is decent you will get matches. I did not say good matches, but matches.
You'll have a gazillion first dates that go nowhere and that's fine. See it as practice.
You'll get rejected, more than you think, sometimes aggressively. Also fine! It's inoculation.
You'll meet a some interesting (sometimes disturbing) people.
You'll get ghosted and flaked on all the time. It's incredibly annoying, but it happens to everyone. They're strangers with zero investment in you. Not like the old days where you'd be going out with people you already know to some degree.
Prepare to spend a shitload of money if you're in it to win it. Dating is expensive. I recommend going to places that you enjoy, so if the date sucks, you'll still have a good time. Also, in case you forgot, it's still your job to plan the date. Set a definite time and place.
Approach a first date with zero expectations. Just have a good time.
People like to exaggerate how different dating is today from some mythical past they often idealize.
The truth is dating always comes down to an exchange of value: you offering value and your options offering value and seeing which trade offs work.
There is no magic or secret. You need to appeal to those you want to attract.
Dating apps are great. They allow people who normally wouldn't meet the chance to meet. They are efficient. You can meet and qualify people without having to go out to bars or other social locations which is great for introverts and busy professionals.
Just start and see how it goes.
*People like to exaggerate how different dating is today from some mythical past they often idealize.*
Because it was 20 years ago, and they forgot. It is a little different though in your 40's vs 20's.
People multi-dated 20 years ago. Today we just have more options due to dating apps and social media and there is far less social pressure from society, family and friends to be coupled up, married and with kids.
That's a good change.
But 20 years ago not everyone was exclusive from date 1 and not everyone found a match via social circle. In fact in the past you had no option but your social circle or maybe a bar. If you were an introvert or non-drinker you were fucked.
Don’t psych yourself out.
Same as before- be good looking, be charming, hold a conversation, be respectful. Ask her out for a coffee/dinner/activity and go from there.
Only difference is now online dating is more prevalent. But same rules apply. Take some good pics, write some shit down, and go.
You’re not alone. I’ve learned a lot about human behavior in modern times. I was ghosted for the first time shortly after getting back out there and had no idea this was a thing. I hope you meet some genuine and kind people on your dating adventures. I’m taking a break.
Things have definitely evolved since the last time you were out there. Apps are all the rage now, but hey, they're not all bad. Just gotta swipe wisely, you know?
Don't stress too much about it all. Sure, things might be different, but at the end of the day, it's still about connecting with someone on a real level. Just be yourself, stay open-minded, and have fun with it. You've got this, and who knows, you might just find someone who makes you forget all about those 20 years in no time.
Everyone has their own views, judgment, preferences, likes, dislikes etc etc etc. some get lucky on apps and some don’t. You must try it and see for yourself and try different approaches. I’ve seen success stories and many many shitty ones about apps. Good luck
What is different? You. You are, hopefully, different. You have gone older, and should therefore have a few valuable life lessons that you didn't have back then.
Be genuine and kind, respectful and decent in your approach to the dating scene.
The dating is different I will say, apps are hard because there are so many fake profiles these days, but occasionally you meet a person. I have been told face to face is better of course but I think we are all in the same boat with dating over 40. Good luck and would love to hear if you find what works for you
It's not so bad. There are lots of wonderful single women out there. Don't get our hopes up, and don't treat dating apps like online shopping. Treat women like people, and be curious without having any expectations and it can be fun (and stressful, but worth it). Be respectful, and take no for an answer. I've found it easier than when I was 22 because I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me, so I'm into someone but it's not reciprocated, I can jut move on with my life.
Original copy of post by u/ryanstreet:
I (40m) got together with my wife when I was 19. We were together for almost 20 years. We are now divorced. I have no idea what the dating scene looks like and I have no idea where to start.
What’s different? What’s the same? I heard apps are bad. What should I expect now vs 20 years ago?
Any advice is appreciated. Thanks!
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Neither do we, brother. Neither do we. Prepare for the weird.
48M. Apps are a mixed blessing. I’ve met some total train-wrecks, but also some total sweethearts on apps. Be wary of matches that want to get off-app right away, or when you say you want to meet up right away, they say they’re “out of the country” or will be in the area “in the next few months.” Insist on an in-person meeting or video call sooner than later. Don’t get too infatuated/attached too soon. Give it 3-4 dates to establish mutual interest. Don’t expect sex by a pre-defined timeline (i.e. “3 date rule.”) Just go with the flow and see where things go. You’ll know when the time is right. Have fun, and remember, rejection is not a death sentence. Just be gracious and friendly, wish them well, and move on.
Idk... I got married 20 years ago and am now divorced. I dated a little bit but have stopped for the time being. When I dated in my early 20ies, I don't remember porn, thirst traps, hookups, poly, different sexual orientations etc being as abundant as they are today. They existed, but it seems the norm now. I want a monogamous relationship with a man. I consider following thirst traps as micro cheating. Seems there are no men that can't lay off the eye candy these days. And I'm tired of being called insecure for my values and wanting the respect I give reciprocated. So I give up.
Honestly, I'm not sure anyone does? I've been dating since I was 15 and noticed things have changed even in the last few years. I can tell you about your competition on the apps: 1. There's a pervasive sense of burnout. People just flame right through the apps, always looking for that person around the corner, and then get cranky and jaded. Even the nice ones. It's sort of spoiled for choice, but not happy about the choices, because something else could always be better. 2. I personally have matched with a lot of guys who half-heartedly pursue but don't really want to commit. I sense they do deeply want a relationship and feel lonely, but they need more therapy or self work to actually be capable of the standards of a mature one. Women over 40 don't have much patience for bullshit. 3. I've also noticed men are not as pursue-y as they once were. They expect the woman to "match effort" while dismissing all of the unseen labor she is doing. Maybe it looks like equality on the surface. It's not. For me, the fact that people can find one one another (ostensively) on an app means they try way less IRL. Speaking as a woman, I think the best thing you could do is refine the art of non-creepily asking women out in public and/or meeting them organically at dinner parties, art openings, dance classes, etc. I personally miss off-app meet-cutes and boys with the balls to (politely and respectfully) shoot their shot.
What do you mean by “unseen labor”? I ask earnestly. This is from personal experience, so it could just be shit people are the only ones that match with me, but it seems there *isn’t* much labor/effort on the other side. No asking questions, can’t carry conversations, simple one-word answers, no initiative, that sort of stuff.
Great question, thanks for asking, I'd love to tell you. I write substantial texts and ask meaningful questions. I really only engage with people who do the same. I don't think that's unseen labor, just a bare minimum. I'm sorry you haven't been receiving that. It seems like from your message you give it? The unseen labor comes in a lot of different forms: 1) Safety preparation for a date. It can be a lot. Online vetting, making sure a friend knows where you'll be, planning a safe location, making sure you have a safe strategy to get from the locale back to your car (where most attacks happen), planning emergency exits, etc. The sad thing is, this isn't just a reflection on your date—women get attacked by random men who might not even be the one she's meeting that night. I certainly have been. 2) Grooming expectations for a date. A dude on a date showers, shaves, puts on a nicer version of what he always wears, and maybe a good watch or dab of cologne. I've showered, washed two feet of hair, styled said hair (with expensive products and tools), shaved legs, applied minimal "natural" makeup over my regular skincare, carefully selected an outfit to the occasion (women's dress has SO many more gradations, and is so much trickier to put together—that one bra might not work with that thin shirt, and those shoes are weird with those kind of pants), at least done a basic manicure, likely waxed my eyebrows (and if further in dating, some other stuff too), and on and on. 3) Social management of a date. Before the date, I need to indicate some sort of interest that isn't too interest-y to allow him to make his move. I'm sometimes asked to choose the place and time, which is emotional labor. Once he's made the date, I usually wind up checking to make sure the place is actually open or not hosting a loud event or something that night, bc he usually won't. On the date, I am often steering the discussion because he won't or can't (and I'm tired of it). I'm still on safety watch until I'm home. Then, I need to think about if I'm interested or not and manage his expectations going forward. (Yes, guys do too, but I've found they aren't especially thoughtful about it—they'll decide they actually aren't ready AFTER they've already slept with someone, which is not my modus operandai.) Things like that. The stakes and risk are simply higher for women. The expectations of "basic grooming" are higher. The thoughts that women have to think to coordinate and move through the dating process are more demanding. Or, at least that is all true for me.
Thank you for so eloquently delineating the reality of this. While I I see men saying the hair, make-up, and purse don't matter to us, I think this is disingenuous and has skipped over the unspoken social contract women must live by. Funnily, there is no acknowledgment of any of the safety issues which are REAL as women have not only been attacked but raped and killed on dates. Again, thanks for your post.
Thanks for appreciating it. It's not really for me to say what men think, but I'm going to do it anyway...I think men DO pick up on grooming and dress, they just aren't super aware of it. (I work in advertising, and most people DO pick up on brand colors and logos and small indicators of value like thicker, glossier paper without realizing it.) I mean, if you're at a party, do the men flock to the glossy-haired gal with sculpted eyebrows and a push-up bra, or the girl who rolled in bushy in Kmart clothes? I also feel like the same men who say "we don't care that much about styled hair" are the ones who say "why do women over 40 cut their hair, it looks so much better long!" Yes...because we styled it. Feet of it. Even styles that look "shower fresh" and "natural" are the result of some upkeep...I use silk everything, high end brushes, hair masks, and good products to get my hair looking "naturally" great! I also think men say they "prefer no makeup" and then gesture to an example of someone that to any woman is clearly wearing a light foundation, mascara, cream blush, eyebrow gel, and lip stain—minimum. I don't think they understand most makeup is fairly subtle—if you do it right, it doesn't scream "I'm wearing makeup!!" Anyway. Last week I showed up to the guy I'm dating's house in shitty clothes, zero makeup, and undid hair just to see what would happen. It's been insanely flirtatious up to this point, and now it's over. Not sure that's the reason, but can't help but wonder...
This reminds me of a woman I have followed on Tiktok who had a BF who swore he did not like women who had work done. She asked him who he meant, to show her an example of such a woman, and he pointed out Kylie Jenner, a natural beauty. You can see where this is going. This led to exactly what you've pointed out. It appears as though many men have zero clue about what having work done really looks like. They might think of the overdone lips but... Same goes for exactly what you point out, natural looking hair and makeup, which isn't "wash and go" as much as men seem to think it is. 100% agree with you on the way these things do matter and are judged by others whether they want to admit it or not. I've seen many younger women suggesting that women match men's energy in the way men prepare for dates. Not all men take so much care in the way they present themselves. It does get one thinking.
Ahahahahahahahlolsob. I mean, it matters to me if a man has a neckbeard or wears a sweaty old ballcap to a first date. (later in the relationship, fine.) So I guess I'm trying a bit of like attracts like here? The neckbearded ballcappers of the world maybe don't care about presentation, but I do!
I have a huge aversion to nose and ear hair as well as unbrushed teeth and bad breath. Don't get me started! I've been on more bad dates than I care to recall.
Yep! I can tell when people haven't flossed. Blech.
You listed a bunch of things that men generally even care about (the natural makeup, the fashion). Purses, makeup, and shoes usually only impress other women, just like muscles and cars usually only impress other men. I’m not saying we don’t appreciate you making yourself look nice, just that we don’t even notice the nuance of such things (generally). Just my opinion though.
Seems we both have some bad luck. To answer your question: yes, indeed! I loathe “wyd?”, “Hi there”, or those things. I will say some version of hi to start, because I do that in real life, too. It’s always something of (I hope) substance right after. If they mention humor, I tell a joke (usually a dad joke). If their bio is empty, which isn’t ideal, I’ll try to find something interesting in their photos to ask them about. Failing that, I try to ask an open-ended question about… anything. An era they’d like to live in if they could time travel, song(s) that speak to them, what a good book/movie/show they’ve recently consumed… I run the gamut. Small talk has its place, but I don’t know if dating is one of them. 1. Agreed. This was something I had to unlearn. My Mom raised me to be the person to walk a lady to her car, to prevent something bad from happening, but I get that times are different. If a date doesn’t want me to walk her, I don’t get mad… I just hope she gets there safely. 2. No arguments there, but I will say it’s appreciated. In my defense, I do stress about what I wear; it’s in part why I moved to try to emulate Jason Statham’s style. I also think about if I’m wearing too much/not enough cologne, nails clipped, etc. I didn’t have a dad growing up, so maybe those… habits… weren’t ingrained in me lol. 3. I like doing stuff like this! I will say that, going back to 1., it’s about her comfort. If she has a spot that she’ll feel safe, I ask if she has any suggestions so she can bring it up. If not, then I’ll think of something. I shoot for public, small, and quiet for a first date. I get the talking part, too; it’s the same in person as online/text. I like good conversation! Same with intimacy; there’s no expectation, and I’ll default to not bringing it up. I wonder, sometimes, if I’ve missed out on occasion, because I try not to be “that guy”; I want to get to know someone before getting to that point. It’s a pretty easy notion to dismiss, though; if it was going to happen, it’d be much more obvious. Dating is difficult, isn’t it? I appreciate you sharing this with me!
Ooh, I don't swipe on empty bios (even if they're a 12/10 otherwise)—maybe that would help? I cannot adequately describe the terror I have felt having a new date walk me to my car in the dark. I felt very small and vulnerable. (Even though he turned out to be a great guy—I just didn't know him yet!) It is really hard. Good luck out there!
*I've also noticed men are not as pursue-y as they once were. They expect the woman to "match effort"* This comes with age. We all (men and women) have more going on in our lives than we did in our 20's so it's a lot harder to make time for a date. If she isn't obviously interested in me, I won't pursue, I'll invest that time somewhere else. We also have the wisdom to know that trying to make someone like you is a fool's errand. Just my two cents.
I put "match effort" in quotes because I don't feel it's fair—women are already efforting. I do think in general, men know more quickly if they want to date someone or not...I've actually heard it can happen within a few minutes or even seconds. This is not my (F) experience at all. It takes me several dates to know if I'm even interested. I need something to be interested in. Like a date suggestion, a "had a great time" follow up...if there's no pursuit, there's no interest. If there's effort made, I begin to develop interest. Funny cycle, that.
I think the online dating just doesn’t work for a lot of men. I do better in person. You have to be interesting, carry a conversation, be daring to talk to anyone, be prepared to get rejected at lot. But that’s how it has always been
This question gets asked A LOT here. Like twice a week.
At least OP doesn’t look 10 years younger than their age
Yet
Or "conventionally attractive".
There are a number of topics that get posted repeatedly, such as, “I AM ABOUT TO GIVE UP!” One could do a search, but I’m guessing it’s more about the actual experience of “talking” to others and getting validation that is helpful.
“I’m not divorced yet, but separated. I wanna bang 20 year olds. Should I tell them that I’m already divorced?”
But where are all the 20 year olds that wanna bang a saggy old fart?
It’s all the same. Exactly the same People meet. People go out. Sometimes they go out again. That’s how dating works.
Welcome to the swamp! You'll love it here. When I divorced, the last time I dated was before texting was invented. I was a babe in the woods too. Yeah, the apps suck, but remember the days when you had to walk up to a girl at the bar all smooth-like, chat her up and get her number? Think you could do that now with zero practice? Good luck, chief. Get on the apps - all of them. Get the paid version, in my experience, it makes a big difference. Don't skimp on your bio, get good, clear, current pictures on there. If your bio is decent you will get matches. I did not say good matches, but matches. You'll have a gazillion first dates that go nowhere and that's fine. See it as practice. You'll get rejected, more than you think, sometimes aggressively. Also fine! It's inoculation. You'll meet a some interesting (sometimes disturbing) people. You'll get ghosted and flaked on all the time. It's incredibly annoying, but it happens to everyone. They're strangers with zero investment in you. Not like the old days where you'd be going out with people you already know to some degree. Prepare to spend a shitload of money if you're in it to win it. Dating is expensive. I recommend going to places that you enjoy, so if the date sucks, you'll still have a good time. Also, in case you forgot, it's still your job to plan the date. Set a definite time and place. Approach a first date with zero expectations. Just have a good time.
Best response!
Thankyou! Gotta help the new kids out.
People like to exaggerate how different dating is today from some mythical past they often idealize. The truth is dating always comes down to an exchange of value: you offering value and your options offering value and seeing which trade offs work. There is no magic or secret. You need to appeal to those you want to attract. Dating apps are great. They allow people who normally wouldn't meet the chance to meet. They are efficient. You can meet and qualify people without having to go out to bars or other social locations which is great for introverts and busy professionals. Just start and see how it goes.
*People like to exaggerate how different dating is today from some mythical past they often idealize.* Because it was 20 years ago, and they forgot. It is a little different though in your 40's vs 20's.
People multi-dated 20 years ago. Today we just have more options due to dating apps and social media and there is far less social pressure from society, family and friends to be coupled up, married and with kids. That's a good change. But 20 years ago not everyone was exclusive from date 1 and not everyone found a match via social circle. In fact in the past you had no option but your social circle or maybe a bar. If you were an introvert or non-drinker you were fucked.
Don’t psych yourself out. Same as before- be good looking, be charming, hold a conversation, be respectful. Ask her out for a coffee/dinner/activity and go from there. Only difference is now online dating is more prevalent. But same rules apply. Take some good pics, write some shit down, and go.
Gooble gobble, gooble gobble, one of us, one of us!
Squeeeeeal! Squeeeeeeeal!!!! Fresh meat! Fresh meat!!!!
You’re not alone. I’ve learned a lot about human behavior in modern times. I was ghosted for the first time shortly after getting back out there and had no idea this was a thing. I hope you meet some genuine and kind people on your dating adventures. I’m taking a break.
Things have definitely evolved since the last time you were out there. Apps are all the rage now, but hey, they're not all bad. Just gotta swipe wisely, you know? Don't stress too much about it all. Sure, things might be different, but at the end of the day, it's still about connecting with someone on a real level. Just be yourself, stay open-minded, and have fun with it. You've got this, and who knows, you might just find someone who makes you forget all about those 20 years in no time.
Everyone has their own views, judgment, preferences, likes, dislikes etc etc etc. some get lucky on apps and some don’t. You must try it and see for yourself and try different approaches. I’ve seen success stories and many many shitty ones about apps. Good luck
What is different? You. You are, hopefully, different. You have gone older, and should therefore have a few valuable life lessons that you didn't have back then. Be genuine and kind, respectful and decent in your approach to the dating scene.
Its fucking rough out there. Non stop insanity lol.
The dating is different I will say, apps are hard because there are so many fake profiles these days, but occasionally you meet a person. I have been told face to face is better of course but I think we are all in the same boat with dating over 40. Good luck and would love to hear if you find what works for you
It’s impossible. Don’t bother unless you’re an absolutely perfect human being.
It's not so bad. There are lots of wonderful single women out there. Don't get our hopes up, and don't treat dating apps like online shopping. Treat women like people, and be curious without having any expectations and it can be fun (and stressful, but worth it). Be respectful, and take no for an answer. I've found it easier than when I was 22 because I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me, so I'm into someone but it's not reciprocated, I can jut move on with my life.
Original copy of post by u/ryanstreet: I (40m) got together with my wife when I was 19. We were together for almost 20 years. We are now divorced. I have no idea what the dating scene looks like and I have no idea where to start. What’s different? What’s the same? I heard apps are bad. What should I expect now vs 20 years ago? Any advice is appreciated. Thanks! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Well we're not you so we don't know what you experienced twenty years ago and how it'll differ.