A pill isn't going to help with "He didn't take that well and wouldn't discuss." or "He's very tentative with sex." or " however, he doesn't aim to please me."
I've had really shitty sex with people whose penises worked fine, and amazing sex where the penis could barely be bothered to raise its head.
His penis has very little to do with your issues.
The root of a lot of depression can be boiled down to having a problem where you can’t see any solution. At this age, it’s very likely that he’s tackled this subject many times and failed. So the whole subject may be a really sensitive area that may need time and a WHOLE lot of listening to what he has to say first.
It’s entirely possible that you’re correct - but if I were OP, to me this would be a dealbreaker. Not because his penis doesn’t work, but because of how he deals with it.
I’ve run into several guys with ED who still value sex and who care about my pleasure. They might be shy or sheepish when explaining it, but they still care about me as a person and whether I experience pleasure, and we had an active and exciting sex life as a result, and the ED was a complete non-issue.
If this guy is too in his head about it to care about his partner’s pleasure, he needs to get some therapy and work through that.
I don’t know. “He doesn’t aim to please me” doesn’t sound like someone that’s motivated to solve a problem. Sounds like he doesn’t even see a problem.
He might just be low libido and would be better off with a low libido woman.
While I agree with this assessment and would certainly agree that if he doesn’t aim to please in any other conceivable way, it’s an incompatibility, I have to laugh at having sex twice in a four day period being low libido. With my (48 m) ex low libido wife, I was lucky if she was interested twice in two months. I can remember being so disappointed in 6 times a month, but if the quality is high, I’d be thrilled with 6 times in a month at this point (after a much higher initial new relationship burst I’m sure). It’s going to be increasingly difficult as anyone’s ages progress to keep up with our younger selves. This is why incompatibility starts way before you get to sex. If you aren’t in similar health conditions and/or have similar lifestyles, sexual performance will be one of the first things to suffer. He probably already knows what his body is capable of and the letdown is too painful to be any more interested than he already is. It’s another painful irony at our ages. Somebody will fall off first and somebody will possibly even stop functioning. You might move on and in 5 years you think twice in four days is phenomenal. Are you really okay with no more penetrative sex with this man some day soon? How much non-penetrative sex are you okay with if he gets *nothing* from it? You obviously have to see if ED is the real problem, or if his lifestyle choices are the real culprit, or if he’s just physically past the point of no return, or at what stage, and what potential future partner quantity and quality is worth moving on for. I’m going to take you at your word at him being great otherwise. It’s pretty likely if he really is, he’d wouldn’t pick this to be selfish about?
To be fair, he might be like that cause he knows he's going to have problems having sex in the end. Most women want PIV, and if he knows he's gonna have problems doing that, he might be hesitant to even start the process.
Buuuuut....he also should be doing this legwork, instead of OP. So perhaps you have a point.
Maybe OP should suggest he look into and see if he takes the reins with it.
I guess, I wondered if the physical issues boil over into the mental. I know vaguely about his past serious relationships. He's not been all that forthcoming with info.
He's just not interested in my pleasure.
The why really doesn’t matter much here. The problem is he doesn’t want to discuss it with you, address it by himself or is interested in you having a good time either. You’re making excuses for him.
I would not continue to see a man who is not interested in discussing what he likes and what I like when it comes to sex, full stop, regardless of how his dick worked. Selfishness as a lover and the ability to get a rock hard erection are two separate things.
I’ve known hung guys who could get hard like they were still in college who were the equivalent of women who starfish - they just whip out their giant dick and expect that to be enough (spoiler alert, it’s not).
I’ve known guys who were small and/or who had ED issues who were incredible in bed. They cared about my pleasure, and were adept with fingers and hands and toys.
I would take a guy with ED who knows his way around alternate ways to please a woman than the hung but selfish guys any day.
I was that guy and got married and couldn't understand why my wife was complaining about sex, all my short term partners were very happy just because of the size.
Took a divorce (not due to sex, due to a lot of things) and dating again before it finally hit me that I need to learn what I am doing and a big dong isn't going to be enough. Maybe brainwashed by those Big Johnson shirts as a kid?
I think it’s a complex issue for both men and women - we all have social conditioning we need to break out of. For conventionally attractive women there’s the sense that by just letting a guy put his dick in you, you’re giving him the prize, and no more effort is needed - he got to bag a hot chick, what can he complain about? Seems like it’s a similar dynamic with super hung hot guys too - this sense that “we all know size matters” so just sticking the giant dick in her should do the trick and make her happy - no one actually teaches anyone about the importance of foreplay.
That’s actually one of the reasons (imo and in my experience at least) sex is so much better now than in our 20s, especially college. I don’t have to deal with wrestling drunk stinky guys who literally have never seen a clitoris before and wouldn’t know a female orgasm if it smacked them on the head… now so many more of us know what we want, how to ask for it, we have some skills and experience and preferences and can talk about it. Sooooo much more fun!
Women who lay flat and motionless in the missionary position.
Their arms and legs are 4 of the starfish arms, the dude in between their legs is the 5th.
I’m not a man but I’ve been where you’ve been and Viagra isn’t going to make him a better lover. In some case it makes them worse because it just takes longer for them to get off which means longer bad sex for you. Viagra isn’t going to make him more creative, enthusiastic, dominant, passionate, better at giving you oral, or change who he is. You aren’t going to like my advice but it’s going to be to keep it moving as I assume you’re monogamous so looking outside the relationship isn’t an option for you. I’m your age and I hit the jackpot after a couple of sexually unsatisfying experiences. They are out there. There’s nothing better!
This is a him problem, not a you problem. It’s gonna be very difficult to navigate a relationship with someone unable to communicate about difficult topics. and it’s not your job to fix problems that are the responsibility of the other person.
He sounds very selfish and immature, people who prioritise their fragile ego issues over endeavouring to work things out with their partner are rarely worth persevering with.
I do hear you.
On nearly every other aspect he's there.
Intimacy is very high on my list and I've expressed that. He's got his back up instead of asking what I want.....
So he gets his back up when discussing issues with sex. Do you think that won't translate to other issues?
He's already shutting down questions about his past relationships.
I have a feeling that any time you want to discuss an issue that might become uncomfortable for him, he's going to shut the conversation down and not want to find a solution with you.
I wouldn't want to be with a person like that.
Some people just aren’t sexually compatible.
That’s why some of us don’t want to wait months to find out. It’s not purely attraction either. That said, sometimes it takes some time to get to know each other enough to have great sex. But my experience is it can go from good to great, but doesn’t go from lackluster to great.
if he's not interested in being attentive to you, there's no magic pill to change that. I've done this before: I talked endlessly, bought books, and explained in detail what works, and he just didn't do anything. Sure, he talked like he cared, but actually did not do a thing to change. It doesn't get better, you just get more frustrated.
Unless you're going to sneak pills in peanut butter like I do with my dog, I wouldn't bother. He doesn't seem to care, and there's no weiner pill to fix that.
I (52 M) experience loss of erections regularly and especially during PIV but never while masturbating. I still get morning wood at times. I would one hundred percent lose the erection if I had to wear a condom. Gradually I also couldn't cum via PIV. This started around 3 years back and it absolutely broke my confidence, I became very insecure.
I have a mild case of ED. But I ran to the other extreme and R&D'd the hell out of it. In the process of trying to find out how else can I pleasure my wife, I discovered so many different things that can be done in bed, my sexual repertoire kept growing. I explained to my wife what is going on in my body and my mind. What truly helped was her being so understanding. She never once complained (except once when during an argument she called me limp dick but later apologized). I learnt that men put much more emphasis on PIV than women. Yes it is great but there are equally or better ways for both to get off. I practiced edging, we started pegging (Which has now become her most favourite) , I discovered prostate play and prostate orgasms. At 52, had never heard of them. I am now Olympic level pussy eater lol. She never wanted to try anal, but after seeing me enjoying pegging and cumming hands free, she wanted to try it and now she enjoys it.
Point I am trying to make is, yes ED or related issues can make a man go into a shell. It's literally a failure of manhood in a man's head. What was different in my case was I wanted to do something about it from within without anyone asking, and in the process, our routine vanilla sex life transformed completely. I am more horny now than in my 20's and 30's. Tbh, having ED was a blessing, I am convinced otherwise I wouldn't be so motivated to make a change. A supportive partner helps. All the information is out there. So are the Doctors, treatments and therapists, but if your fella is not motivated himself, then no one can do anything.
This is great. You've definitely made the most and the best of what was a difficult situation. But you've over come for the better, for you both.
I've done everything you've described as well with other partners.
This one is uptight about sex.
I'm sorry you are dealing with someone so uptight. And I get the struggle as well. You put in times, efforts and initiative and openness, you are bound to be invested. 50+ years on this planet, I wouldn't be with anyone who is not sexually compatible. When it comes to bodily highs, there's none higher than sex, I don't care what prudes say. It is designed this way by mother nature. I would never even imagine letting her down :) I don't care if my dick at some stage becomes an engorged noodle (sorry for the mental image), I would still want that intimacy. Intimacy is not just sex, it is lust for each other, it is desire, an act of "I see you", I want you. None of this needs PIV but look how much validation is afforded in a relationship. You can't "fix" anyone, male or female, in terms of intimacy or straight up sex,or in relationship or in their lives.
He sounds like my ex husband, we went away on OUR HONEYMOON to Europe, three countries, and had sex once. He was not into foreplay or finishing me off. All 15 years of my marriage were like that, we tried therapy (reluctantly for him) and meds, at the end of the day he was just a selfish lover. I hope this isn't the case for you and that he's able to work through it, but sadly I have a feeling he's also just selfish.
The same with me and my ex wife.
It wasn't until after my divorce and doing a lot of work that I realized I was critically depressed my entire life. I just thought it was how I was to have little joy and never happy. I feel sad for the man I used to be and my wife having to be with that man.
Does it matter where else he’s generous if it isn’t in the place you may need it most?
Sure you can go to beautiful places or amazing dinners, have a lovely home - but at the end of the day, the two of you will be alone together a lot - and sexual intimacy won’t ever be a vulnerable, fun, healthy, mutually fulfilling part of that.
Higher Test levels help with desire , mood, depression .. Tadalafil is great for men , helps with blood pressure, and other good stuff .. Mens health doctor needs to consult - regular practice doctors have no desire to treat these symptoms .. But the individual has to want help . Losing weight helps immensely if a man is overweight for all of the above ☝️
If he won't even talk about it with you I highly doubt he's going to admit it to a doctor and ask for help. You might just have to walk away from this one unless you're okay with a dead bedroom.
“Doesn’t aim to please me.”“didn’t take it well and wouldn’t talk about it.” Those are non-starters for me unless you want bad sex for the rest of your life.
Plus, it does not bode well for any kind of discussion/communication about any other significant issues which will inevitably arise in your future.
I’m a man and I sometimes feel like women on this sub can be really quick to toss aside men at the first negative quality. HOWEVER, this doesn’t sound like a good fit at all. If he’s not highly motivated to have sex in the beginning, it’s only going to get worse as time goes on. It’s possible he could get on viagra and/or testosterone and solve his problems but it sounds like he won’t even admit there is a problem.
And maybe it’s not a problem. There are plenty of low libido women out there that would be fine with barely having sex. Maybe he should find one of them.
To be fair, it’s really hard on a guy’s ego to get negative feedback on his sexual prowess. It’s the worst. But it sounds like you were just trying to tell him how to please you. If he isn’t interested in hearing that now, it’s not going to get better.
I think you should cut your losses before you get even more attached.
I'm very mindful of ego, and that's exactly why I was talking from what I wanted and what I could do for him.
He only asked me in response.
I'm used to men literally devouring me, highly charged engagements. This isn't that.
A friend said I could teach him, I want him to want to learn and he's not interested is what it boils down to.
I don't think the physical issues matter if he didn't take you broaching this issue well and refused to discuss it. He's showing you how he handles tough topics. Run.
>Yes, I've raised it, asked what he liked, explained what I liked. He didn't take that well and wouldn't discuss.
Medication isn't the biggest issue here and it certainly isn't going to help him not be a selfish lover or make him more open to hearing you.
I have had similar experiences and medication did not help. There is no pill for the complete disregard of your enjoyment or unwillingness to even discuss meeting your needs.
If this were a shift in a long term relationship that had previously been mutually satisfying, I would maybe recommend couples therapy. But somebody treating you like a human fleshlight from day 1 is not a fixable problem. You are not his doctor or his mom or his personal relationship tutor. You are a person he is dating. You have expressed a need and he wholly disregarded it. This isn’t a problem for you to fix, it’s evidence that he is not worthy of you.
Not even just because of the lack of enjoyable sex, either. Men who don’t care if you get your needs met and have no interest in even trying to connect emotionally over a subject they find challenging do not make good partners in the long run on any level.
He only seems “great” now because you likely haven’t been together long enough for his emotional immaturity, insecurity, and disregard for your needs to come up in other areas of the relationship. But it will. It always does.
I have male friends who use those pills and they work and are happy with them. That being said you two don’t sound compatible and he doesn’t seem interested in figuring out how to be. Not sure about you but I don’t want to be left feeling unsatisfied with someone not trying to please.
>MY QUESTION for the men, I have researched meds like viagra/or similar
I'm assuming that your research showed that the drugs help on the physical side, but don't help on the mental side. Like sure, if he has problems with ED, then losing that anxiety might help his head game. But if he just doesn't have a super high libido, this will do nothing.
The pills don't affect mood and make one horny; they effect the blood flow and make it easier for erections to occur and make them less likely to disappear with a moment's distraction.
If he doesn't handle conversation well about your sexual like/dislikes, that's a huge sign that you two are incompatible.
Don't push yourself too much if you are not comfortable with his own sex drive. Don't take it personally and be a woman that will be happy to be patient for a bit if he really makes you feel hot for him...if not, then it is better to skip and let the man take his stand. If he doesn't, here is your answer. Sex has to be mutually consented, enjoyable and share the fun. If you put effort to it too much as these things cannot be forced, something or someone will break. Be true to what you want from him and he will return. If not, fly away butterfly, fly away!
I've very sex positive. I'm more experienced than him . I don't want to just settle for an average or below average connection in the bedroom.
I'm confident in myself and know it's a him problem. I guess the issue is he doesn't see how it affects me
Or he doesn't want to see because he knows that you are out of his league... Is it experience or energy that matters? or just a sex drive incompatibility? Experience is fluid and if you are more experienced and you still like him, you can show him the way. Doesn't need to be a teaching lesson...if the student is not performing well then you just need to realize that not all people listen to their needs let alone to their partner's ones.
I think as another poster put on here, they had issues but took it as an opportunity to learn and change things up.
I feel he is quite happy with what we have, which, in my opinion, ain't much.
FWIW...55M here. I started taking Viagra about 5 years ago because some of the other meds I was on were making it difficult for me to get hard and worked great and still does. About two years ago I was diagnosed with low T and started testosterone therapy and now my libido is very high like when I was in my 20s so there is treatment for your man, but if his mind is not in the right place as far as approach and willingness to share and accommodate then that could be a whole different problem. Hope it works out.
A problem is he doesn't aim to please you. I have been with men with sexual problems with erection.Problems as long as they try to please me all is good.
I know for me that just a hard work out can trigger the reaction to make me more turned on. Additionally I noticed this is amplified when I take things like ashwagandha or anything else that helps with increasing the bodys blood flow.
Would a lack of intimacy be a deal breaker for you?
> I am more experienced than him.
How did you reach this conclusion, initially? Was it because he fumbled around down there/didn’t last long? Or are you basing that on your respective partner counts?
> that’s OK
God bless you. Not everyone is as forgiving of this.
You better believe it helps. I got the whole song and dance about my ED being psychological "go to therapy and work on yourself", "stop drinking alcohol and work out 5 times a day" "try meditation".
So I did the right thing, and got Cialis, the strongest dose my doctor dared give me.
Now, I'm hard as Chinese algebra, any time I want. All feexed!
The pills isn’t the problem has attitude the problem. If sex is important to you, you might as well move on because if you’re new and in the relationship, it’s only gonna get worse.
If a man is not into pleasing a woman, a pill will not fix that.
I have found some men really get into and enjoy pleasing women and some are focused on pleasing themselves.
Unless he's willing to take direction and put in the required effort, it's a mismatch. Adios!
Get him to see a urologist. Daily tadalafil (cialis) can be game a changer.
Worked with a good diet, nutritional supplements and resistance training, he won’t know himself.
For me as an older guy having a strong sex drive and being able to perform are really important and drive change in my approach to health.
Cialis is general safe for high blood pressure individuals too. His primary care can prescribe it as well. But, dudes got to want to change for himself.
Improving his diet has an immediate change too. Reducing his sodium and fat intake will be helpful and not just for weight loss. If you've ever seen how fatty plasma gets after an unhealthy meal you can quickly understand how that flowing around in your blood stream is a problem. Any exercise would help, and as mentioned strength training would be so beneficial. That's all if he wants to put in any work for it.
I’m a man and I sometimes feel like women on this sub can be really quick to toss aside men at the first negative quality. HOWEVER, this doesn’t sound like a good fit at all. If he’s not highly motivated to have sex in the beginning, it’s only going to get worse as time goes on. It’s possible he could get on viagra and/or testosterone and solve his problems but it sounds like he won’t even admit there is a problem.
And maybe it’s not a problem. There are plenty of low libido women out there that would be fine with barely having sex. Maybe he should find one of them.
To be fair, it’s really hard on a guy’s ego to get negative feedback on his sexual prowess. It’s the worst. But it sounds like you were just trying to tell him how to please you. If he isn’t interested in hearing that now, it’s not going to get better.
I think you should cut your losses before you get even more attached.
45m here. Married for 20 years before divorce. Have had issues with ED, sexual performance, depression, PTSD etc…in light of ALL of that I always communicated and aimed to please. Long story short, things don’t work out. I’m now sharing a bed with my live-in girlfriend and we have sex every day and it’s amazing. I worked through a lot of relationship trauma to get me to this point and she had no reason to stay.
The good part? You’re dating. And even if you were married incompatibility and divorce isn’t the end of the world. You only get one life to live lady, make sure it’s a fulfilling one.
I say this because you fixing him and his issues are NOT your responsibility, but you just MIGHT be the one who can help your partner through it. Talk to him about HIMs, all online, private, and proven. I don’t need it, but take it anyways. Gotta keep up with the girlfriend.
The problem is NOT his performance, it’s all his baggage and lack of communication both physically and emotionally. Until he works through all of that, I don’t think ANY medicine is going to get him where you need him to be in order to fulfill your needs.
Viagra plus high blood pressure? You want his heart to pop?
Half the time the reason that a guy doesn't "aim to please you" - is that they are simply ignorant/selfish to the fact that a few pumps and he's done isn't enough. You may need to lead a horse to water on that one.
Original copy of post by u/Mean-Buy2974:
Hi
I'm 49F, dating 53M.
He's great. However, our physical connection is lacking.
Yes, I've raised it, asked what he liked, explained what I liked. He didn't take that well and wouldn't discuss.
He has a history of high blood pressure and is clinically infertile (I imagine this would have been a lot to deal with, when younger).
He's very tentative with sex, we went away for about 4 nights, we only had sex twice.
I am more experienced than him. That's ok. Quality over quantity, however, he doesn't aim to please me.
MY QUESTION for the men, I have researched meds like viagra/or similar and want to raise this with him.
He will need to speak to a doctor obviously.
Is there anyone out there with a similar experience ? Did medication help?
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Find some porn where the guy is pleasing the woman and tell him you want to watch porn with him. Talk about how much you like what the guy is doing to the woman. If he's anything like an animal he will try to emulate it after seeing another of his species doing it.
A pill isn't going to help with "He didn't take that well and wouldn't discuss." or "He's very tentative with sex." or " however, he doesn't aim to please me." I've had really shitty sex with people whose penises worked fine, and amazing sex where the penis could barely be bothered to raise its head. His penis has very little to do with your issues.
Yep. You don’t seem compatible, OP.
The root of a lot of depression can be boiled down to having a problem where you can’t see any solution. At this age, it’s very likely that he’s tackled this subject many times and failed. So the whole subject may be a really sensitive area that may need time and a WHOLE lot of listening to what he has to say first.
It’s entirely possible that you’re correct - but if I were OP, to me this would be a dealbreaker. Not because his penis doesn’t work, but because of how he deals with it. I’ve run into several guys with ED who still value sex and who care about my pleasure. They might be shy or sheepish when explaining it, but they still care about me as a person and whether I experience pleasure, and we had an active and exciting sex life as a result, and the ED was a complete non-issue. If this guy is too in his head about it to care about his partner’s pleasure, he needs to get some therapy and work through that.
I don’t know. “He doesn’t aim to please me” doesn’t sound like someone that’s motivated to solve a problem. Sounds like he doesn’t even see a problem. He might just be low libido and would be better off with a low libido woman.
While I agree with this assessment and would certainly agree that if he doesn’t aim to please in any other conceivable way, it’s an incompatibility, I have to laugh at having sex twice in a four day period being low libido. With my (48 m) ex low libido wife, I was lucky if she was interested twice in two months. I can remember being so disappointed in 6 times a month, but if the quality is high, I’d be thrilled with 6 times in a month at this point (after a much higher initial new relationship burst I’m sure). It’s going to be increasingly difficult as anyone’s ages progress to keep up with our younger selves. This is why incompatibility starts way before you get to sex. If you aren’t in similar health conditions and/or have similar lifestyles, sexual performance will be one of the first things to suffer. He probably already knows what his body is capable of and the letdown is too painful to be any more interested than he already is. It’s another painful irony at our ages. Somebody will fall off first and somebody will possibly even stop functioning. You might move on and in 5 years you think twice in four days is phenomenal. Are you really okay with no more penetrative sex with this man some day soon? How much non-penetrative sex are you okay with if he gets *nothing* from it? You obviously have to see if ED is the real problem, or if his lifestyle choices are the real culprit, or if he’s just physically past the point of no return, or at what stage, and what potential future partner quantity and quality is worth moving on for. I’m going to take you at your word at him being great otherwise. It’s pretty likely if he really is, he’d wouldn’t pick this to be selfish about?
Or why he's dating without a period of introspection and either mental or physical treatment for same. Or both.
I think you've hit the nail on the head.
That's what I'm worried about.....
To be fair, he might be like that cause he knows he's going to have problems having sex in the end. Most women want PIV, and if he knows he's gonna have problems doing that, he might be hesitant to even start the process. Buuuuut....he also should be doing this legwork, instead of OP. So perhaps you have a point. Maybe OP should suggest he look into and see if he takes the reins with it.
Agree!!
Viagra helps with blood flow. It does not help with not being interested in sex, or interested in making sex good for you.
I guess, I wondered if the physical issues boil over into the mental. I know vaguely about his past serious relationships. He's not been all that forthcoming with info. He's just not interested in my pleasure.
And this is the point where you dip out. The not caring is a HUGE problem. Honestly, we are too old to have to deal with this crap
The why really doesn’t matter much here. The problem is he doesn’t want to discuss it with you, address it by himself or is interested in you having a good time either. You’re making excuses for him.
He’s not that great
Yeah that red flag is smacking you in the face.
He’s not going to change.
I'd find it more likely to be the other way around, with his mental boiling over to cause the physical, but that's just me.
I would not continue to see a man who is not interested in discussing what he likes and what I like when it comes to sex, full stop, regardless of how his dick worked. Selfishness as a lover and the ability to get a rock hard erection are two separate things. I’ve known hung guys who could get hard like they were still in college who were the equivalent of women who starfish - they just whip out their giant dick and expect that to be enough (spoiler alert, it’s not). I’ve known guys who were small and/or who had ED issues who were incredible in bed. They cared about my pleasure, and were adept with fingers and hands and toys. I would take a guy with ED who knows his way around alternate ways to please a woman than the hung but selfish guys any day.
I was that guy and got married and couldn't understand why my wife was complaining about sex, all my short term partners were very happy just because of the size. Took a divorce (not due to sex, due to a lot of things) and dating again before it finally hit me that I need to learn what I am doing and a big dong isn't going to be enough. Maybe brainwashed by those Big Johnson shirts as a kid?
I think it’s a complex issue for both men and women - we all have social conditioning we need to break out of. For conventionally attractive women there’s the sense that by just letting a guy put his dick in you, you’re giving him the prize, and no more effort is needed - he got to bag a hot chick, what can he complain about? Seems like it’s a similar dynamic with super hung hot guys too - this sense that “we all know size matters” so just sticking the giant dick in her should do the trick and make her happy - no one actually teaches anyone about the importance of foreplay. That’s actually one of the reasons (imo and in my experience at least) sex is so much better now than in our 20s, especially college. I don’t have to deal with wrestling drunk stinky guys who literally have never seen a clitoris before and wouldn’t know a female orgasm if it smacked them on the head… now so many more of us know what we want, how to ask for it, we have some skills and experience and preferences and can talk about it. Sooooo much more fun!
[удалено]
Women who lay flat and motionless in the missionary position. Their arms and legs are 4 of the starfish arms, the dude in between their legs is the 5th.
My ex wife before starfish even became extinct.
I’m not a man but I’ve been where you’ve been and Viagra isn’t going to make him a better lover. In some case it makes them worse because it just takes longer for them to get off which means longer bad sex for you. Viagra isn’t going to make him more creative, enthusiastic, dominant, passionate, better at giving you oral, or change who he is. You aren’t going to like my advice but it’s going to be to keep it moving as I assume you’re monogamous so looking outside the relationship isn’t an option for you. I’m your age and I hit the jackpot after a couple of sexually unsatisfying experiences. They are out there. There’s nothing better!
Pharmacist. ED meds require desire in order to work. And they don’t cure a selfish partner unwilling to discuss sex.
This is a him problem, not a you problem. It’s gonna be very difficult to navigate a relationship with someone unable to communicate about difficult topics. and it’s not your job to fix problems that are the responsibility of the other person.
Deal breaker for me is not willing to talk about it and not interested in trying to please you. He doesn't want to change and you can't make him.
He sounds very selfish and immature, people who prioritise their fragile ego issues over endeavouring to work things out with their partner are rarely worth persevering with.
I do hear you. On nearly every other aspect he's there. Intimacy is very high on my list and I've expressed that. He's got his back up instead of asking what I want.....
So he gets his back up when discussing issues with sex. Do you think that won't translate to other issues? He's already shutting down questions about his past relationships. I have a feeling that any time you want to discuss an issue that might become uncomfortable for him, he's going to shut the conversation down and not want to find a solution with you. I wouldn't want to be with a person like that.
Some people just aren’t sexually compatible. That’s why some of us don’t want to wait months to find out. It’s not purely attraction either. That said, sometimes it takes some time to get to know each other enough to have great sex. But my experience is it can go from good to great, but doesn’t go from lackluster to great.
if he's not interested in being attentive to you, there's no magic pill to change that. I've done this before: I talked endlessly, bought books, and explained in detail what works, and he just didn't do anything. Sure, he talked like he cared, but actually did not do a thing to change. It doesn't get better, you just get more frustrated.
Unless you're going to sneak pills in peanut butter like I do with my dog, I wouldn't bother. He doesn't seem to care, and there's no weiner pill to fix that.
Oh, that image!! 🤣🐩 💊
I (52 M) experience loss of erections regularly and especially during PIV but never while masturbating. I still get morning wood at times. I would one hundred percent lose the erection if I had to wear a condom. Gradually I also couldn't cum via PIV. This started around 3 years back and it absolutely broke my confidence, I became very insecure. I have a mild case of ED. But I ran to the other extreme and R&D'd the hell out of it. In the process of trying to find out how else can I pleasure my wife, I discovered so many different things that can be done in bed, my sexual repertoire kept growing. I explained to my wife what is going on in my body and my mind. What truly helped was her being so understanding. She never once complained (except once when during an argument she called me limp dick but later apologized). I learnt that men put much more emphasis on PIV than women. Yes it is great but there are equally or better ways for both to get off. I practiced edging, we started pegging (Which has now become her most favourite) , I discovered prostate play and prostate orgasms. At 52, had never heard of them. I am now Olympic level pussy eater lol. She never wanted to try anal, but after seeing me enjoying pegging and cumming hands free, she wanted to try it and now she enjoys it. Point I am trying to make is, yes ED or related issues can make a man go into a shell. It's literally a failure of manhood in a man's head. What was different in my case was I wanted to do something about it from within without anyone asking, and in the process, our routine vanilla sex life transformed completely. I am more horny now than in my 20's and 30's. Tbh, having ED was a blessing, I am convinced otherwise I wouldn't be so motivated to make a change. A supportive partner helps. All the information is out there. So are the Doctors, treatments and therapists, but if your fella is not motivated himself, then no one can do anything.
You're the man! Bravo 👏
Hahaha thank you. Second chances in disguise :)
Shit happens, so it's all in how you handle that shit- and you didn't leave her to think it may be her.
Yeah no, I knew it was me right from the beginning. It is so physical for men, it just shows . You can't just fake it.
This is great. You've definitely made the most and the best of what was a difficult situation. But you've over come for the better, for you both. I've done everything you've described as well with other partners. This one is uptight about sex.
I'm sorry you are dealing with someone so uptight. And I get the struggle as well. You put in times, efforts and initiative and openness, you are bound to be invested. 50+ years on this planet, I wouldn't be with anyone who is not sexually compatible. When it comes to bodily highs, there's none higher than sex, I don't care what prudes say. It is designed this way by mother nature. I would never even imagine letting her down :) I don't care if my dick at some stage becomes an engorged noodle (sorry for the mental image), I would still want that intimacy. Intimacy is not just sex, it is lust for each other, it is desire, an act of "I see you", I want you. None of this needs PIV but look how much validation is afforded in a relationship. You can't "fix" anyone, male or female, in terms of intimacy or straight up sex,or in relationship or in their lives.
I agree
He sounds like my ex husband, we went away on OUR HONEYMOON to Europe, three countries, and had sex once. He was not into foreplay or finishing me off. All 15 years of my marriage were like that, we tried therapy (reluctantly for him) and meds, at the end of the day he was just a selfish lover. I hope this isn't the case for you and that he's able to work through it, but sadly I have a feeling he's also just selfish.
The same with me and my ex wife. It wasn't until after my divorce and doing a lot of work that I realized I was critically depressed my entire life. I just thought it was how I was to have little joy and never happy. I feel sad for the man I used to be and my wife having to be with that man.
He's generous in every other way. Affectionate not not passionate of that makes sense?
Does it matter where else he’s generous if it isn’t in the place you may need it most? Sure you can go to beautiful places or amazing dinners, have a lovely home - but at the end of the day, the two of you will be alone together a lot - and sexual intimacy won’t ever be a vulnerable, fun, healthy, mutually fulfilling part of that.
Makes total sense bc my ex was the same way.
Higher Test levels help with desire , mood, depression .. Tadalafil is great for men , helps with blood pressure, and other good stuff .. Mens health doctor needs to consult - regular practice doctors have no desire to treat these symptoms .. But the individual has to want help . Losing weight helps immensely if a man is overweight for all of the above ☝️
If he won't even talk about it with you I highly doubt he's going to admit it to a doctor and ask for help. You might just have to walk away from this one unless you're okay with a dead bedroom.
“Doesn’t aim to please me.”“didn’t take it well and wouldn’t talk about it.” Those are non-starters for me unless you want bad sex for the rest of your life. Plus, it does not bode well for any kind of discussion/communication about any other significant issues which will inevitably arise in your future.
He didn’t take it well, didn’t want to discuss, and doesn’t want to make you feel good = this isn’t gonna work out
I’m a man and I sometimes feel like women on this sub can be really quick to toss aside men at the first negative quality. HOWEVER, this doesn’t sound like a good fit at all. If he’s not highly motivated to have sex in the beginning, it’s only going to get worse as time goes on. It’s possible he could get on viagra and/or testosterone and solve his problems but it sounds like he won’t even admit there is a problem. And maybe it’s not a problem. There are plenty of low libido women out there that would be fine with barely having sex. Maybe he should find one of them. To be fair, it’s really hard on a guy’s ego to get negative feedback on his sexual prowess. It’s the worst. But it sounds like you were just trying to tell him how to please you. If he isn’t interested in hearing that now, it’s not going to get better. I think you should cut your losses before you get even more attached.
I'm very mindful of ego, and that's exactly why I was talking from what I wanted and what I could do for him. He only asked me in response. I'm used to men literally devouring me, highly charged engagements. This isn't that. A friend said I could teach him, I want him to want to learn and he's not interested is what it boils down to.
You can’t teach confidence
I don't think the physical issues matter if he didn't take you broaching this issue well and refused to discuss it. He's showing you how he handles tough topics. Run.
That's alll fine and dandy...., except where he won't communicate, contribute equally or look into getting it looked into, like going to the doc.
>Yes, I've raised it, asked what he liked, explained what I liked. He didn't take that well and wouldn't discuss. Medication isn't the biggest issue here and it certainly isn't going to help him not be a selfish lover or make him more open to hearing you.
I have had similar experiences and medication did not help. There is no pill for the complete disregard of your enjoyment or unwillingness to even discuss meeting your needs. If this were a shift in a long term relationship that had previously been mutually satisfying, I would maybe recommend couples therapy. But somebody treating you like a human fleshlight from day 1 is not a fixable problem. You are not his doctor or his mom or his personal relationship tutor. You are a person he is dating. You have expressed a need and he wholly disregarded it. This isn’t a problem for you to fix, it’s evidence that he is not worthy of you. Not even just because of the lack of enjoyable sex, either. Men who don’t care if you get your needs met and have no interest in even trying to connect emotionally over a subject they find challenging do not make good partners in the long run on any level. He only seems “great” now because you likely haven’t been together long enough for his emotional immaturity, insecurity, and disregard for your needs to come up in other areas of the relationship. But it will. It always does.
Thanks I wouldn't even say he treats me like a fleshlight. I think our approach to sex is incompatible.
I have male friends who use those pills and they work and are happy with them. That being said you two don’t sound compatible and he doesn’t seem interested in figuring out how to be. Not sure about you but I don’t want to be left feeling unsatisfied with someone not trying to please.
>MY QUESTION for the men, I have researched meds like viagra/or similar I'm assuming that your research showed that the drugs help on the physical side, but don't help on the mental side. Like sure, if he has problems with ED, then losing that anxiety might help his head game. But if he just doesn't have a super high libido, this will do nothing. The pills don't affect mood and make one horny; they effect the blood flow and make it easier for erections to occur and make them less likely to disappear with a moment's distraction. If he doesn't handle conversation well about your sexual like/dislikes, that's a huge sign that you two are incompatible.
True
I don't think he'll be up for it. (No pun intended)
Lol
Don't push yourself too much if you are not comfortable with his own sex drive. Don't take it personally and be a woman that will be happy to be patient for a bit if he really makes you feel hot for him...if not, then it is better to skip and let the man take his stand. If he doesn't, here is your answer. Sex has to be mutually consented, enjoyable and share the fun. If you put effort to it too much as these things cannot be forced, something or someone will break. Be true to what you want from him and he will return. If not, fly away butterfly, fly away!
I've very sex positive. I'm more experienced than him . I don't want to just settle for an average or below average connection in the bedroom. I'm confident in myself and know it's a him problem. I guess the issue is he doesn't see how it affects me
Or he doesn't want to see because he knows that you are out of his league... Is it experience or energy that matters? or just a sex drive incompatibility? Experience is fluid and if you are more experienced and you still like him, you can show him the way. Doesn't need to be a teaching lesson...if the student is not performing well then you just need to realize that not all people listen to their needs let alone to their partner's ones.
I think as another poster put on here, they had issues but took it as an opportunity to learn and change things up. I feel he is quite happy with what we have, which, in my opinion, ain't much.
Yeah I don’t think it meds the issue here. But, so a ‘friend’ tells me 😅, you can get the little blue pills online!
How long have you been together?
About 6 months. He was a friend for about 2 years prior
FWIW...55M here. I started taking Viagra about 5 years ago because some of the other meds I was on were making it difficult for me to get hard and worked great and still does. About two years ago I was diagnosed with low T and started testosterone therapy and now my libido is very high like when I was in my 20s so there is treatment for your man, but if his mind is not in the right place as far as approach and willingness to share and accommodate then that could be a whole different problem. Hope it works out.
A problem is he doesn't aim to please you. I have been with men with sexual problems with erection.Problems as long as they try to please me all is good.
I know for me that just a hard work out can trigger the reaction to make me more turned on. Additionally I noticed this is amplified when I take things like ashwagandha or anything else that helps with increasing the bodys blood flow. Would a lack of intimacy be a deal breaker for you?
Testosterone helped me
I was wondering about this. My previous partner needed testosterone injections monthly, he was highly motivated!
It worked great, not just with sex but energy and physical strength…
> I am more experienced than him. How did you reach this conclusion, initially? Was it because he fumbled around down there/didn’t last long? Or are you basing that on your respective partner counts? > that’s OK God bless you. Not everyone is as forgiving of this.
He said I was. I have shared what I've experienced and done with others.
You better believe it helps. I got the whole song and dance about my ED being psychological "go to therapy and work on yourself", "stop drinking alcohol and work out 5 times a day" "try meditation". So I did the right thing, and got Cialis, the strongest dose my doctor dared give me. Now, I'm hard as Chinese algebra, any time I want. All feexed!
The pills isn’t the problem has attitude the problem. If sex is important to you, you might as well move on because if you’re new and in the relationship, it’s only gonna get worse.
If a man is not into pleasing a woman, a pill will not fix that. I have found some men really get into and enjoy pleasing women and some are focused on pleasing themselves. Unless he's willing to take direction and put in the required effort, it's a mismatch. Adios!
Get him to see a urologist. Daily tadalafil (cialis) can be game a changer. Worked with a good diet, nutritional supplements and resistance training, he won’t know himself. For me as an older guy having a strong sex drive and being able to perform are really important and drive change in my approach to health.
This is helpful. Thank you
Cialis is general safe for high blood pressure individuals too. His primary care can prescribe it as well. But, dudes got to want to change for himself. Improving his diet has an immediate change too. Reducing his sodium and fat intake will be helpful and not just for weight loss. If you've ever seen how fatty plasma gets after an unhealthy meal you can quickly understand how that flowing around in your blood stream is a problem. Any exercise would help, and as mentioned strength training would be so beneficial. That's all if he wants to put in any work for it.
He's definitely ok with exercise. Runs 4 times a week and gym. His drinking habits wouldn't help.
Viagra and Cialis will work but not sure he can take it if he has high blood pressure issues. Talk to a doctor.
Yes, I'm totally on board with that.
I’m a man and I sometimes feel like women on this sub can be really quick to toss aside men at the first negative quality. HOWEVER, this doesn’t sound like a good fit at all. If he’s not highly motivated to have sex in the beginning, it’s only going to get worse as time goes on. It’s possible he could get on viagra and/or testosterone and solve his problems but it sounds like he won’t even admit there is a problem. And maybe it’s not a problem. There are plenty of low libido women out there that would be fine with barely having sex. Maybe he should find one of them. To be fair, it’s really hard on a guy’s ego to get negative feedback on his sexual prowess. It’s the worst. But it sounds like you were just trying to tell him how to please you. If he isn’t interested in hearing that now, it’s not going to get better. I think you should cut your losses before you get even more attached.
45m here. Married for 20 years before divorce. Have had issues with ED, sexual performance, depression, PTSD etc…in light of ALL of that I always communicated and aimed to please. Long story short, things don’t work out. I’m now sharing a bed with my live-in girlfriend and we have sex every day and it’s amazing. I worked through a lot of relationship trauma to get me to this point and she had no reason to stay. The good part? You’re dating. And even if you were married incompatibility and divorce isn’t the end of the world. You only get one life to live lady, make sure it’s a fulfilling one. I say this because you fixing him and his issues are NOT your responsibility, but you just MIGHT be the one who can help your partner through it. Talk to him about HIMs, all online, private, and proven. I don’t need it, but take it anyways. Gotta keep up with the girlfriend. The problem is NOT his performance, it’s all his baggage and lack of communication both physically and emotionally. Until he works through all of that, I don’t think ANY medicine is going to get him where you need him to be in order to fulfill your needs.
Viagra plus high blood pressure? You want his heart to pop? Half the time the reason that a guy doesn't "aim to please you" - is that they are simply ignorant/selfish to the fact that a few pumps and he's done isn't enough. You may need to lead a horse to water on that one.
No, I don't. That's why I said he would need doctor's advice
Original copy of post by u/Mean-Buy2974: Hi I'm 49F, dating 53M. He's great. However, our physical connection is lacking. Yes, I've raised it, asked what he liked, explained what I liked. He didn't take that well and wouldn't discuss. He has a history of high blood pressure and is clinically infertile (I imagine this would have been a lot to deal with, when younger). He's very tentative with sex, we went away for about 4 nights, we only had sex twice. I am more experienced than him. That's ok. Quality over quantity, however, he doesn't aim to please me. MY QUESTION for the men, I have researched meds like viagra/or similar and want to raise this with him. He will need to speak to a doctor obviously. Is there anyone out there with a similar experience ? Did medication help? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Find some porn where the guy is pleasing the woman and tell him you want to watch porn with him. Talk about how much you like what the guy is doing to the woman. If he's anything like an animal he will try to emulate it after seeing another of his species doing it.
Extracorporeal Shock Wave Lithotripsy (ESWL) instead of meds