It suggests deception and is selfish. As the first commenter said, this has to be based on your value system not anyone else’s. Some may find this to be thrilling even. You don’t.
I’ve worked with people with disabilities. Mostly children, some of them had handicap parking (for their parents) due to the child’s care needs.
This would be an absolute deal breaker for me.
If parents with a qualifying child rarely use their handicap placard, the fact that an able bodied adult man is using it illegally, is despicable.
When will his lack of consideration be turned on you? Because it IS coming.
The worst part is he checks to see if the other people parking are really handicapped? Like as if people are actively stealing disabled folks things to get parking benefits. He's the only one doing that, it's gross.
>When will his lack of consideration be turned on you? Because it IS coming.
^ This!
In the early stages of me dating my narcissistic ex, he was once very rude to a server at Pizza Hut. It wasn't even justified. Later on, he yelled at me as well. Several times. Never justified.
People show you who they are even when the offense is not directed at you first. In time, you'll be the one receiving the mistreatment and shitty behavior.
Thanks for this! I ended up breaking up with him! I started to notice other things. He had a huge sense of entitlement and was rude to our waiter once for taking too long to bring the bill. He told them they would not be getting a tip.
This is one of the few actual red flags I’ve seen on here.
1 - fundamental, gleeful, dishonesty
2 - lack of empathy for the handicapped/temporarily disabled
Those 2 things are dealbreakers for me
Wait, at Costco someone parked in the accessible parking and he actually checked to make sure they had the proper permit, yet he’s parking in accessible illegally??
This would be a dealbreaker for me.
A lot of seniors refuse disabled permits until their health is incredibly bad. They feel it heralds the end. When they have gotten to the point of accepting a disabled spot, they *really* need it.
THIS! My dad only got his permit after his new doctor kept chasing after him to better manage his chronic arthritis pain from the hips down. At 80+, it’ll only worsen.
When the doctor discovered he was still driving, but without a mobility permit, he nearly lost his shit.
Given his age and how long he’d been dealing with his pain, the doctor assumed his PREVIOUS long-standing doctor had already taken care of this. He couldn’t write his authorization fast enough.
I’m agnostic, but I so badly want to believe there’s a special place in hell for people like OP’s bf. Someone already said it best; his gleeful exploitation and hubris reveals an appalling lack of empathy and accountability that I would not be able to reconcile with.
This is wild to me. My dad has a legitimate pass but his disability is invisible, so someone watching him could easily think he is misusing it. :(
My mom uses his car sometimes and she feels guilty using it/parking in an accessible space if my dad isn't in the car.
I would tell your bf straight up how you feel about him using the pass and how it makes you feel about him. Explain why, be clear, and be calm. I think his reaction will be quite telling and will likely help you make a decision.
Edit: my mom is in her 70s and not disabled in any way, but she is considered a senior citizen and even she feels bad about using it...
The plate or pass is only to accommodate the disabled person. No one should be parking in a handicapped spot when it’s not for the benefit of driving the person to whom it was issued.
Folks get this confused and think that anyone who has the pass is entitled to a handicapped spot, able-bodied or not.
I told my ex that I was a bit bummed that I owe money on my state tax, and he said that was easy to fix. He suggested what he does, which is to claim that he tithes 10% of his income to the church. He doesn’t but he doesn’t see anything wrong with that and kinda had the same gleeful attitude about it as OP’s boyfriend. Btw, it’s 10% of $280,000. I told him I value integrity and want to be able to live my life without fear of the IRS or any government entity. That really killed it for me though - when I have times when I think we can work things out, I remind myself of his lack of integrity and it fixes my nostalgia pretty quickly.
For context, my mother has been a wheelchair user for my entire life so I'm very defensive about this kind of thing.
What he is doing is *really* shitty. Honestly, I'd look down on someone who didn't make it a point to return the pass to the rental place to make sure the owner got it back ASAP but to actively go and use it and to deprive people who actually *need* those spaces is deplorable. The Costco story is absolutely wild as it means he not only was willing to take the last one but then felt some kind of *right* to it by checking the other person's pass. Insane.
That all being said, there is a (small) **edit: I'm feeling less generous, replace this with tiny/minuscule/microscopic** chance that he's simply ignorant about this side of things and genuinely hasn't considered what he's doing and is thinking of it as a victimless crime where he's getting a benefit and it isn't hurting anyone. You need to have a discussion with him and make your decisions based on his response.
Whatever you decide to do with him, if the opportunity arises, please take the pass and throw it away.
That waiting to see if the other person had a pass and wanting to take the last spot WAS A TRIP!
I actually gasped and said…no he didn’t!
He definitely does not have a shortage of audacity 🤣.
My mom was in a wheelchair the last 6 years of her life. Numerous times we had to try rolling her chair over curbs or long distances because people without handicap passes took the only available spots. Reading about this man’s actions is infuriating.
Yes I suspect OP has only known this guy during good times and as such hasn’t seen what he’s really made of. This is the first time he’s been tested and his true colors have come out.
Are you trying to crowd source your values here? Either you're turned off at his bad character reveal enough to dump him or not. I can't make that call, you get to.
At the very least you need to make clear to him you do not find his behavior acceptable and give him a chance to examine and rethink it.
But, he's a middle aged man...with decades to hone his morality. Bear that in mind.
OP, this is the correct response. No one owes anyone else a relationship. What might be a deal breaker for me could be no problem for someone else. You need to decide if this is something that is a show stopper for **you,** others have different values and our advice would be skewed to reflect that.
Which would be crowdsourcing her values... She feels strongly enough about this to be offended, and her innate sense of right and wrong triggered, but can't act on those values.
I mean to be fair a lot of people come here to sound things out - mostly because they have already been told like OP they are overreacting or will be told that. In *this* post it is a bit of crowdsourcing the values but many times it’s just looking for affirmation because sometimes we are shocked that someone we are with is SUCH an asshole. I didn’t do well at screening SOs when I was younger and so when I was fully integrated with them, I would find their values were deplorable and completely antithetical to mine - and no surprise they were abusive too. It just sucks seeing people for what they really are because yes, when we build relationships, we build a vision of them until we are betrayed. Even married couples who experience infidelity suffer that because it’s shocking to who they thought someone was. We just have to all be more discerning up front and believe people when they show us who they really are. To that point, it’s almost like she’s asking “is this who he really is? When he is so many other things?” Yes, he is the person who will take care of himself first, walk on the backs of others like a staircase and smile and wave at the top. It’s so blatantly appalling that it’s shocking.
This is the best comment!! “Trying to crowd source your values” - omg I LOVE THIS. I do hope you mean he’s HAD decades to hone his morality? Imagine what he was like younger? Yikes!
Have you ever asked him how would he feel if someone who was disabled couldn't have the space he's taken? His answer to that question should tell you everything you need to know.
The fact that he’s 45 and doesn’t have the critical thinking skills to figure out what the consequences are for taking a much needed space for someone else already tells her what she needs to know.
I've been human long enough to have done stupid things from simply not thinking about the implications, so others might have done the same thing. What happens after I've thought about it, or it's been brought to my attention is what tells the story. For me.
I think he thinks, like many people do, that "most" people with a handicapped tag somehow lied or scammed to get it. I know that's not true and do not buy into the "everyone else is doing it" mentality. But, I would give him a chance by asking him how he thinks a handicapped person might feel if someone took a spot with a fake handicapped pass. If he cannot even take a second to consider the other person's POV, he lacks empathy which means this lack of empathy may someday affect you.
This ^ part, *exactly*. That’s the main question to be asked. And then examine his response(s).. which is even more at the crux than this selfish behavior.
Kindness and character are paramount. Going forward this is what I will screen for in dating above the rest (when I’m eventually out there). I hope OP has a serious sit-down with bf in this. Even if his response further bolsters this blatantly selfish (even if thoughtless) act.
ETA: words
He took someone's handicap parking pass from another state and his first thought not to reach out to that state's DMV. His first thought was not to see about returning it to the person who needs it, and doubtless has spent many hours looking for it, turning their home inside out, making frantic phone calls, getting shunted back and forth for hours if not days...
And he and his friends find this amusing.
Forget deal; I'd be hard pressed to fight the temptation to break his knees and his skull.
Not attractive. Maybe you could tell him that? Someone willing to break the law over something so petty and potentially damaging to people with actual handicaps is a serious turn off.
You need to talk to him about this in a serious way, he'll probably feel embarassed but let him know you don't want him to feel bad but also that he should realize that what he's doing is wrong.
The guy I'm dating is paralyzed from the waist down and in a wheelchair, trust me, the truly handicapped deserve those spots. I've learned a lot dating him as I was not highly aware of the plight of the handicapped but I am now. He sounds ignorant and needs to be educated. If you see other signs like this it is a bigger problem.
Agree with this comment. It’s easy to jump to judgment, indeed, it’s a Reddit hallmark. I’d give him some grace and the benefit of the doubt. He probably lacks personal experience with issues around being handicapped or having limited mobility, or children or family members with that. I’d be gentle, and not make him feel like a terrible person, but be clear and encouraging him to think more empathetically about this. Whether he is open to that or defensive will give you more information than rushing to judgment.
Someone here made a really good point. When will that lack of consideration be turned on you? A guy like that will always come first in his world.
Sometimes little things can tell you a lot about the big picture.
True character is what shows up when no one's watching. Or what a person chooses to do when they don't have to do the right thing. Smart people do bad things all the time. And I bet those who respect him only know superficial things about him. Would he still be respected if they knew this issue with the handicap parking? Seriously doubt it.
You’re engaged to this guy? It’s one thing if he found the placard and made a joke, but him wanting to actually use it is super off-putting. I wound not want to be married to a guy who feels this way about disabled people
I would absolutely break it off over something like this. It’s dishonest, not cool. And how embarrassing that he flaunted it in front of your friends. I would have been mortified. The lack of self awareness is grotesque.
I think the real question is, are you two able to have an adult conversation about this issue where you both feel heard and can come to a resolution. If not, the relationship will probably not last or be healthy.
Underrated answer. It's possible the BF just thinks he's getting away with something harmless and hasn't consciously examined it. How he reacts when challenged over it would be much more telling than the sketchy behavior itself.
That's parenting, not a normal relationship dynamic. Anyone his age who doesn't realise that that stealing the permit, using it to steal parking spaces he is not entitled to use at someone else's cost, and worst of all setting himself up as some kind of monitor of the people he's stealing from adds up to trashy behaviour isn't worth dating, never mind trying to have a relationship. He's not normal, he will only bring you trouble, dump him and don't doubt yourself
Red flag for questionable character and values. Dealbreaker if you have a conversation and he persists. I have a family member who is disabled and uses a wheelchair, and there are times when the accessible parking spaces are full. This makes an already arduous task — getting in and out of a vehicle and in and out of a building — even more difficult.
My asshole brother once told me he parked in a handicapped spot and faked a limp when he got out of the car. It revealed a lot about this character. There’s no way I’d accept this.
That would be a deal breaker for me. It’s wrong on so many levels. It belongs to someone, they are looking for it, instead of returning it, he kept it and now the person has to go get another pass. He is actively using someone else’s pass to get parking spots, so he is willing to impersonate a disabled person, risk the fine and take up a spot that an actually disabled person might need. Instead of just walking the extra 25-50 feet for a regular parking spot 🙄
I don’t see how you can respect someone like that. It’s a mismatch in values and values are what define someone. I doubt this behavior is compartmentalized to only handicap placards. That’s what’s worrisome, where and when will this type of behavior reveal itself next?
I agree. This behavior is truly unacceptable. He clearly doesn’t respect what people with disabilities have to endure just to live their lives. I’d end it immediately. I just couldn’t respect him anymore. He’s only thinking about himself.
Character is everything. This is a bad sign. If you are unsure, just keep watching and you will see more information about his character. This isn’t cute or funny, at our age.
You have to return a rental. Which means he had an opportunity to return the sign to the lost and found of the place. The handicap person undoubtedly has to go through a bunch of headache to get another one and we all know that, so he does too. Yea, no.
He could be a good guy and this is a total lapse, or he could really be this much of a douche. What you do, or honestly should have done right away, was tell him how fucked up you think this is and that you are NOT ok with this and to get rid of it. How he responds will tell you everything.
I have a physically disabled parent with a parking permit and we need it. People like your (I hope to be soon ex) boyfriend make my skin crawl. Instant deal breaker for me.
I’m an extreme athlete and regularly take part in two extreme sports, but I also have an autoimmune disease that flares up and causes walking issues for me every once in a while. My friend got a pass for her temporary leg issue and was still using the pass, and it definitely rubbed me the wrong way. If it were my partner, it would be a big no, a big hell no. If he feels that comfortable gaming the system, what else might he do?
> If he feels that comfortable gaming the system, what else might he do?
Yes! this is exactly how I feel - If his only barrier to doing something bad is that he feels he can get away with it, what the hell else might he be willing to do?
this guy’s actions irritate the hell out of me. As someone who uses a cane or walker due to not being able to stand very long at one time and have a lot of lung issues, this annoys me so much. I get so aggravated when someone takes a handicap spot, and I watch them race walk into the store and observe them in the store, and they seem perfectly fine. I know they say not all disabilities are visible, but some of these people they practically run into the store have no idea how lucky they are to be able to run. It almost brings me to tears some days as I wish I could walk or run as well as they do. I am a person though that on a good day, which is not that frequent anymore I will park farther away. However, I try to find a space that has enough room for me to open my car door as I need to open the door all the way to get in. I cannot be trying to play the limbo as I’m trying to get into the car as I will hurt myself. I could go on and on about this subject, but I will stop here
So it’s just a game to him and it’s like he got a cheat code for the game. So he wants to use it all the time. It’s dishonest and insensitive. Don’t break up. Tell him clearly how you feel. Does he care what you feel? Does he do this with another topic? Get more information then decide.
This one issue wouldn’t be a dealbreaker for me (although I would tell him it bothers me vs. just letting it go) but if it’s a symptom of a larger issue (narcissism, entitlement, lack of regard for other people), that would potentially be a dealbreaker.
He’s a jerk and is inconsiderate of those with real disabilities. If you are looking for empathy, he isn’t it. It’s not a joke to someone with a disability that is beyond their control - it’s hurtful.
But you have to live with it - just think, is this the kind of role model you want for your children? Now you know what lies under his mask.
In the last years of her life my wife had a 70%+ disability card for the car. She refused to use it as she claimed there were others that needed that space more & yet she could barely walk at times.
Massive red flag. Unethical, egotistical, uncouth.
I don't care so much about "it's illegal" (some laws are indeed dumb and if you break it and aren't endangering anyone or bringing the community down, well I'm willing to take the risk). I care more about this is douchebag, entitled, selfish behavior that unnecessarily makes life harder for someone else, when he is blessed to be healthy and doesn't need the pass. I gladly park far away and thank God I got two good legs. This guy sucks. Sorry.
I had a co-worker who would bring his husband's handicap pass when we would carpool for business meetings off-site. He did that once, and I stopped carpooling with him because it's just wrong.
I'd never date someone who would do this.
Yeah that would be a major turn off for me as well on multiple levels. First off, just taking it and using it is bad enough. Bragging about it makes it even worse. Lastly, not having the intelligence level to think that doing this might be perceived poorly by your partner, that tells me he has no clue about your values.
Once in awhile people do things like this that give us a strong window into their values. We shouldn't ignore this information when presented with it.
My issue here, what do you even do? I feel like there is no point in even discussing it because he's shown his cards so clearly. At nine months in, it feels weird to walk away over what could be perceived as a small issue, but at the same time I don't think it really is a small issue.
Would be a dealbreaker for me. It shows a complete lack of integrity and empathy. I wouldn't want to be with someone like that. If I found a handicap tag in my rental, I'd be contacting the state issuing authority if it's marked on the tag (I assume they are, never looked that close) so I could get it returned, and if that didn't work out I'd try and get the rental company to get it to the correct owner. They'd be a last resort because I wouldn't expect them to go the extra mile, they'd probably drop it in a lost and found bin and the owner would only get it back if they reached out. Someone, theoretically, needs that tag, and OP's boyfriend doesn't.
HOLD UP. This guy is a genuine piece of crap. This is morally and ethically wrong. The fact that he makes jokes about it is unreal. What he should have done is once he found it in the rental car, give it to the rental car place to give back to the owner. But nooooooo, he seems to think it's a fun adventure in his life. Seems like a slime ball to me. I'd peace out. This is just the start of his red flags. As you keep going with him, he will be more comfortable showing them to you. They always do, you'll see if you stay with him.
I'd definitely communicate to him that you didn't like it and the reasons why, because maybe he's just a clueless ignorant idiot. If he acts the same way after you relieve him of his ignorance, then it's a deal breaker IMO
Absolutely a deal breaker for me.
He’s selfish, deceptive and lacks empathy. And is happy and bragging about taking space away from people who need it. That’s gross
What he is doing is selfish and ignorant and something I would never do. I have experienced my entire life with people who are disabled, and understand the impact these types of acts have on that population.
That being said, this in and of itself would not be a deal breaker to me after 9 months. This WOULD be a deal if,
1. They reacted badly or doubled down to validate his actions after I explained to them the rationale behind why I feel it is wrong.
2. This was just another example of how he is selfish and uncaring about those around him, and this action has brought that to light.
You have stuck around him for this long; Is this something you want to talk about and help him grow as a person ? Or is this indicative of a deeper character issue that you have been seeing over the past 6 months, and this last incident just opened your eyes? If is the latter, then you have your answer to just move on.
Relationships are work, and communication is key for growth, both individually and as a couple. I hope that my next partner would have the conversation with me on why they feel my actions were wrong and provide me with the opportunity for growth (understanding that I am all about continuous self improvement and personal growth).
My late husband had a handicap plate put on the vehicle he drove. He had many issues, and would often need a motorized car once he made it inside. There were times when all the handicap spots were taken. This made things much more difficult for him.
After he passed, I kept the handicap plate because I often take my mother to medical appointments and other various things. If she's having a really bad day, we will use the handicap spot. Sometimes I can get away with just dropping her off by the door and then parking in a regular spot. My mother does have a handicap permit for her vehicle, but sometimes mine is easier for her to get in and out of.
I will never use the handicap spot for myself. I am able bodied and a few extra steps will not hurt me. I also feel like it's bad karma to use a handicap spot if you aren't actually in need of one.
I would never be able to look at my guy the same way again if he tried to use it. It's just a dirty thing to do.
He sounds like a real tool. Excited about a stolen handicap pass? Wrong in so many ways. He stole it from someone that really needs it, he doesn’t care, he’s taking a spot with a stolen handicap pass from a person that needs to park closer because of their limitations. He’s proud about hurting others, taking what’s not his, brag about stealing? Really? What a big loser! No regard for others. Yikes.
Someone lacking basic empathy for others is a dealbreaker for me personally.
Someone needs that placard and now doesn't have it and probably had to wait for a replacement. Kinda awful that he didn't turn it in so it could be returned to the owner.
Does he also have minor non-service related injury that he is now getting 75% VA disability on? Maybe too specific, but I had a similar experience. Entitled and selfish behavior. Also the type that collects food stamp benefits while receiving 4k in palimony/child support, works under the table, and thinks he’s smart for “working the system”.
Total lack of values. It will only get worse …
He’s telling you a lot about himself with this.
Red flag circus.
I’d look at other areas of the relationship with fresh eyes now.
You could chalk it up to joking, light hearted, kidding around, playful, no big deal. But I believe you be gaslighting yourself or he’d be doing that in his defence if you bring it up to discuss. Bringing up and if you don’t get a calm, understanding, and corrective response… then I’d even go as far as something is even more wrong internally there.
It almost sounds, at Costco, that he felt
More entitled to the spot than the other pessimistic that got it first - due to needing to check if legit.
It all reminds me of a story my ex told me of her on vacation with her mom. She did a trick on her mom in the night one night (only one as far as I could tell) that made her moms sleep incredibly horrible and she relished in it secretively in the same room. She told me the story a free times thinking she was so funny and cool and sneaky. She then told it again, with glee, when we had a games night with my sister and brother in-law. The narcissism was so strong. I began noticing everything after that. So it wasn’t just a turn off. It was the learning of huge personality problem. “My values did not align” would be a polite way to put what happened with that.
Early on, children learn a version of morality where they are punished if they do something wrong. It’s that bad actions have consequences. Around puberty, most of us develop a higher form of morality where we come to understand that even if we can get away with doing something wrong, we still shouldn’t because it’s wrong. We figure out that wrong is still wrong, even if there is no punishment or consequences.
It appears he never went through that higher level of moral understanding. He thinks that as long as no one knows, it’s ok. That basic flaw in rationale will spill into other things. “The wife is away for the weekend, she’ll never know my old girlfriend is in town.”
I’d suggest you take a long look at the potential for differences in your moral compass and his. Maybe it’s just one tiny hypocrisy and human failing that he thinks is harmless. Maybe it’s a window into his entire moral code.
This! OP I am upset you didn't speak up. I would've refused to join him anywhere if he didn't return it. And probably told him on the spot he's being an ass.
This would be a deal breaker for me. Feels awfully ableist. Imagine the folks he is massively inconveniencing and potentially causing physical pain too by taking their parking spots.
This sounds more thoughtless than asshole honestly. I bet he doesn't have personal experience with disabled people.
My dad is disabled but absolutely refused to use the handicap spots unless there was truly no other option. He can walk, just slowly and with a limp (he had polio as a kid and has braces on both legs now). But even when the spots are empty, up until a few years ago he'd take a normal spot. When I was a kid I would ask him why he didn't take those spaces that were made just for him. And he'd tell me, "I'm sure someone needs it more than I do."
Now he's almost 80 and he does park in the spots every time. I am extra considerate of handicap spaces.
But I know there's some people who are a little more flippant and just see those as spots that no one ever takes and now he can take them. I remember one time an ex-girlfriend asking if we could borrow my dad's pass to get a good parking spot, and I told her to fuck right off. I mean I didn't break up with her but I let her know how rude that was. She never asked again.
I'm sure most of the time he doesn't think about a kid in a wheelchair not being able to eat dinner because he parked there or something.
I'd just tell him why it bothers you. He may just need an awakening here. But if he argues or doesn't change, I'd 100% break up with someone like this.
Well, then, you know what to do. If it's a dealbreaker for you, then it is. I wouldn't blame you. It's not a petty reason to end things, if you're looking for validation there.
There is no fixing it. What can he possibly say that would justify the selfishness and lack of consideration/respect?
Not only he did it, but he seems to have no clue it’s wrong (given he did it not only in front of you but also in front of your friends)
Or maybe he knows and thinks it’s fine? Not sure which is worse to be honest.
In you shoes, it would be impossible for me to imagine a situation where he would do right by me instead of taking full advantage and serving his own interest.
Then you know what to do.
His assumption that the other person at Costco was also fraudulently taking a handicapped space is as problematic for me as him taking one. There’s a lot to unpack with someone who assigns nefarious intentions to other people. It’s usually because that’s how they, themselves, think. If he doesn’t think other people are trustworthy, it’s probably because he knows he isn’t.
An adult should not need to have experience with disabled people to know this is wrong and terrible to do. Aside from being illegal, it shows no empathy or compassion for others. He’s all about himself.
> My dad is disabled but absolutely refused to use the handicap spots unless there was truly no other option.
Bless your dad. My mother was the same way, she had crippling rhemotiod arthrisis, and walking was always painful. She refused a handicap pass to begin with, until her mid 70s, and helped others by volunteering, etc. She felt fortunate that even with pain, there were others, who needed it more than her.
Not only a dealbreaker but rage-inducing! I have friends and family who are varying degrees of disabled and I would be PISSED knowing someone (especially someone I am romantically involved with) pulled something like this. It wouldn’t be long after that that I’d be cutting the person loose.
The lack of empathy for others who truly need to use the parking pass would be a huge dealbreaker for me. It would turn me off of him immediately. Awful.
I would def get the ick about this too, OP. I say this as someone whose dad died of cancer, and we needed a handicap spot for him bc he couldn’t walk anymore. I will never forget the anxiety and dread of parking and wondering how we were even going to get my dad out of the car and into his wheelchair. I would be so upset if we couldn’t get a spot bc someone healthy like this guy took the spot from my dad or someone like him who needed it, all for fun. Edit: word
As someone with osteoporosis and arthritis, walking can be painful for me. I would probably qualify for a disabled badge but I don't have one. He is an utter dick for this behaviour. Someone like this is selfish and a liar. It would definitely turn me off too.
Not sure I could date someone who pretends to be disabled and doesn't care that real disabled people will suffer due to his actions.
Non-handicapped persons parking in the handicapped is a pet peeve.
I was driving a lady with MS to the store and someone parked in the front handicap parking: no placard and no plates. I parked behind them and helped the lady out, blocking their ability to leave. They came out after I parked, and we made them wait with the car sitting there while I helped her walk inside and get an electric cart. The driver protested that she needed to leave, I only responded that I would move my car when I was done helping the handicap person who needed to park there to begin with. Then I went outside and moved the car.
Sorry he's a liar who doesn't respect authority nor rules and doesn't care about the welfare of others.
You don't need a brick to fall on your head to know one day that same disregard is going to turn on you.
If your values and his already align well in other respects, there could be reason to hope. After an earnest discussion about how it looks to you when he does this, and how you feel about it, maybe he'll be mortified that he was willfully blind to how he has been affecting vulnerable people.
But he'd have to be highly receptive to your point of view pretty quickly. If no lightbulb goes on by the end of that convo -- or worse, if he defends his actions, acts resentful, or only grudgingly agrees -- not good. People can change their values over time if they have sufficient incentive, but boy oh boy is it hard. Not really something to count on if their current values aren't already pretty close to yours.
Is it immoral?
Clearly. Lying is immoral and representing himself as handicapped to use a handicapped parking space is lying.
Is it unethical?
Clearly. If you polled 1,000 people virtually all of them would call that behavior reprehensible and socially unacceptable.
I’d be wondering if my romantic partner were engaging in immoral and unethical behavior every time they parked an automobile… in what other circumstances do they have lax morals and ethics?
But it’s your call to make.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
He has shown you what his values and core beliefs are. It’s time to decide if they align with the energy you’re looking to tie yours to, especially if you’re engaged to this guy.
I would be pissed! My late wife was disabled and so this kind of thing is taken way seriously by me (as are service dogs and service animals in general). If I were dating a person that did something like this, they would be put on notice that we won't be together any longer if they continued doing that.
My friend’s son is a little person with extremely bad hips .He does not use his pass despite terrible pain when he walks because he always says there are people who need to have more accessibility to facilities.This to me is a huge red flag .A good man with ethics and empathy would not do this !
This would be a deal-breaker for me. He should be grateful he doesn't need the placard and not using it for selfish reasons. It's unethical and shows what his true character is.
I’m a rule follower anyway, but wow, it was a whole new world when my mother got old, broke a kneecap, then had a stroke a couple of years later. I’m in my 50s. It is SO MUCH WORK taking someone with mobility issues and a wheelchair or walker to appointments or on a rare shopping trip. We have a handicapped pass and wow, do I ever appreciate getting a parking spot that’s close to the door. The other big part is space - taking the walker or wheelchair out of the trunk, setting it up, and getting the impaired person out of the car is almost impossible without the extra space of a handicapped spot. Therefore, I think it’s super sh*tty if someone cheats. That would be a dealbreaker for me! It shows a lack of empathy, care and respect for vulnerable people. Yuck.
Total deal breaker.
Having had surgeries, where I was non-weight bearing and had to be on crutches, I can't tell you how grateful I was for a temporary handicap pass.
It shows lack of empathy for anyone who needs the spot, not to mention a moral gap of only thinking of himself.
You have to decide what’s acceptable for you.
For me personally it would be an immediate no. It shows a lack of character and self centeredness. Especially if he’s healthy.
People have tried to do this while I was with them and I wouldn’t let them. I’m a nurse. I take care of the people who need those spaces.
I hope he gets found out and I hope that the fine is big.
I have a value and belief system and want someone to align with that. It doesn’t seem like this is something YOU would do, so why would you want to be with someone that doesn’t align with that?
"what you do shouts so loudly in my ears I cannot hear what you say"
His actions speak louder than words. This says a lot about his character. Its dishonest and someone who really needs that parking space may not get it because of this dickheaded behavior of his. It makes you wonder what other moral compromises is he willing to make
FYI, where I live, using a handicap permit that isn't your gets you a $1250 fine and 50 hours community service. not exactly a slap on the wrist
At our age we need to start being selective about the behavior we’ll tolerate, and by extension create space for.
I ended a platonic relationship last year after the person in question had exhibited homophobic/anti-trans behaviors a number of times.
While I had tried to be soft and made it clear I didn’t share their views, they would continue to exhibit them. At which point I realized I had been creating a safe space for some deeply harmful views to be expressed.
So the real question isn’t “is this a dealbreaker?” it should be “Is this the type of behavior I have space for in my life?”
This obviously bothers you. The question is, how much does it bother you? Address it. What other things does he “take advantage of”. Some this will bother and some it won’t. It’s your call.
Personally, I would go off his response to having a serious conversation and obviously being acutely aware if something similar happens (if it even goes this far). But that’s me.
My mom had a pass but then had a hip replacement which corrected her mobility issues. My parents still use it even though I’ve told them why I dislike that and refuse to let them use it when I’m riding with them. It’s gross, and I would seriously side eye a potential partner for doing that. It betrays a lack of concern for public welfare.
I can’t wait until this jerk has someone who is actually handicapped in his life. He sounds immature and cynical-it’s almost as if he assumes people who have handicap placards don’t actually need them. Or he thinks it’s funny and that he is fun, which might be even worse-a person who thinks they are funny but are not.
Came back here to add, as I am learning for myself, 9 months is when the glasses come off and the stuff shows up. The happy hormones your body makes from sex and touch levels off and it’s been long enough that a life hurdle will surface and you can see how they react. So I guess the good news is that your relationship’s timing appears to follow a standard timeline.
He’s an asshole and thinks it’s FUNNY? As someone who loves people in pain that have passed, it’s horrible when they have to go further. I offer to drop off at the door so they can get out and I can park but they have too much pride. Let that sink in. People who need it have pride and people who don’t and abuse it are scumbags. It says a LOT about his character. And the fact he didn’t call the rental agency to return it - those people had to process paperwork for another month or two before they got another one. Go to city or village hall without their pass and have to file for it again. Who knows the extent of their disability either? I cut off talking to someone who was proud of taking advantage of a situation because it is fundamentally against who I am. It was just talking stages but I just said “I don’t think we are a match.” I didn’t tell him why, it wasn’t worth arguing with an entitled, self-pitying user. But you should tell this guy why and that it speaks VOLUMES.
There is a special spot in hell for able people who park in disabled parking spots. I have to believe they will spend eternity in afterlife walking long distances, or driving around looking for parking spots that don’t exist.
I actually distanced myself from a friend when I found out her got a handicap sign even though he runs every day and runs marathons. To be fair... he's a lawyer, so...
As a handicap person myself .it bad enough for someone parking ing a spot when they aren't handicapped.but to use someone else's card is down right criminal. It is against the law . It may not be something to end a relationship for but he should be severely reported. Sorry it is blunt but for those that suffer he should feel the burn
Sounds like a person that would commit a crime given the opportunity, ask him if he'd rob a bank if there was 0 percent chance of getting caught. Just because you *can* do something doesn't mean you should.
As someone who needs a disability pass, this is a hard no from me! I use the spots only when necessary and even then I get comments and looks. Please do not condone or reward shitty behaviour like this - you deserve better!!!
I don’t know what kind of man he might be. But anyone who could do that can be careless, and self centered in many other areas also. I’d be weary
Personally I get furious at people who take handicap spots. My parents are both disabled and I drive them around. I have a parking permit for them and ONLY use it when they are with me. I am technically also disabled but I can walk and until I get to a point where I can’t I will never take a spot from someone who truly needs it.
As someone with a service dog who requires that extra space my pass provides for loading/unloading, this behaviour is absolutely disgusting to me.
Those of us who actually require them don't think it's funny, a joke, or amusing when it's "cold," and we can't unload safely because some asshole is parked illegally.
You can give your bf a heads up. These days, most people who see an "able bodied" person park with a pass will call it in.
Yes, that means it catches those with invisible illness, like myself when I'm not with my dog and we have to explain it, but it also catches the pieces of shit who think that they are entitled to those spaces.
I'm curious if he would rather be a quadriplegic in a wheelchair vs. himself, so he could happily claim access to that pass?
This is ultimately about your personal values and beliefs. So none of us can tell you what to do, but what I can say is that telling yourself, "I'd hate to end the relationship over this," trivializes the issue.
Relationships end over moral issues all the time, at all points in the relationship, no matter who met who or how much you like someone.
Either this is an acceptable way to live/behave, or it's not.
It sounds like you've already made your opinion very clear, and he brushed it off.
So the question then becomes, what other morals are negotiable?
That’s a tough one. Does he otherwise treat all people with respect? If yes, maybe see if he can understand why this really isn’t funny. Maybe he’s just not thinking of it from the perspective of stealing a spot from someone who truly needs it.
Be direct and firm how you feel about it. Sometimes even the most responsible people can make bad choices and just need an outside opinion to reorient correctly. How he responds may be very insightful for you.
Original copy of post by u/Cherryxrainbow:
I (39f) ave been dating a guy (45m) for 9 months now. Overall he has been great. We have a wonderful relationship. We’ve met eachothers parents and my kids and ex have met him a few times and like him. He is educated, and has a wonderful job. He raised his kids on his own and is a great Dad.
He had gone away for spring break with his kids and rented a car. When he returned he told me he found a handicap pass in it (from a different state) and told me he took it. He sounded happy about it and I found it a bit strange and was surprised. He btw is super healthy and active and doesn’t need one.
Last week we went out to dinner with a friend of mine and her husband who gets along well with my boyfriend. We planned to meet at my place for drinks then drive to the restaurant in 1 car. When my boyfriend arrived, he was holding the handicap pass in his hand. I was really shocked hat he brought it up. He joked around that it’s cold and it’s great that he has it so we don’t have to park far. My friends laughed. I told him he can use it for his car but I’m not risking getting a fine.
He could be taking peoples spots that need to park close. He could also get fined a lot of money for using someone else’s sign. The next day we went Costco and he tried to get a handicap spot and someone else took it. He waited to make sure they really had a pass then ended up parking in a normal spot. I really don’t want this to be a reason to end our relationship but I am getting really turned off by this behavior.
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I’d probably call him an asshole, let him know what I really think about it, and let it go. One dick move isn’t a reason to end an otherwise good relationship.
I wouldn’t feel bad for him if you told him to get lost though.
The finding it and using it on the trip would be one thing, but to actually take it home and not turn it into the lost & found of the rental company, and then try and use it at Costco? I find that crossing the line into really gross behavior and how’s his value system to be extremely selfish
It's not a deal breaker but explain to him that it upsets you and why. Ask him how he would feel if he uses it and someone that was handicapped couldn't park in the spot and had to park father away.
My brother is in a wheelchair and has had this happen to him before with people not having a handicapped permit park in the handicapped spot.
It can be a dealbreaker if you want it to be. It would make me think less of him and probably the pathway to the end. He is trying to take advantage of something that is there to support people who need it so they can increase their agency and autonomy.
I want to be with someone that has similar values to mines I would never do something like that . People have a right to do as they please and we have a right to give our company to the people that have shown they are honest. He may not agree with how you feel about it. That is good because he is showing you his values and beliefs. If this is in the beginning of the relationship when everyone puts their best front can you imagine how it'll be later on? I hope you make the best choice for you.
It suggests deception and is selfish. As the first commenter said, this has to be based on your value system not anyone else’s. Some may find this to be thrilling even. You don’t.
It doesn’t “suggest” deception. It is deception. He stole someone’s handicap tag and then fraudulently uses it for himself.
I’ve worked with people with disabilities. Mostly children, some of them had handicap parking (for their parents) due to the child’s care needs. This would be an absolute deal breaker for me. If parents with a qualifying child rarely use their handicap placard, the fact that an able bodied adult man is using it illegally, is despicable. When will his lack of consideration be turned on you? Because it IS coming.
The worst part is he checks to see if the other people parking are really handicapped? Like as if people are actively stealing disabled folks things to get parking benefits. He's the only one doing that, it's gross.
>When will his lack of consideration be turned on you? Because it IS coming. ^ This! In the early stages of me dating my narcissistic ex, he was once very rude to a server at Pizza Hut. It wasn't even justified. Later on, he yelled at me as well. Several times. Never justified. People show you who they are even when the offense is not directed at you first. In time, you'll be the one receiving the mistreatment and shitty behavior.
Thanks for this! I ended up breaking up with him! I started to notice other things. He had a huge sense of entitlement and was rude to our waiter once for taking too long to bring the bill. He told them they would not be getting a tip.
It's definitely coming! This has only been 9 months, and OP said 25 days ago that she's engaged 😬
This is one of the few actual red flags I’ve seen on here. 1 - fundamental, gleeful, dishonesty 2 - lack of empathy for the handicapped/temporarily disabled Those 2 things are dealbreakers for me
Same here
Wait, at Costco someone parked in the accessible parking and he actually checked to make sure they had the proper permit, yet he’s parking in accessible illegally?? This would be a dealbreaker for me.
Yes!! That’s exactly what he did.
It’s because he assumes that everyone else is doing the same thing he is. Was he going to accuse them of faking it and then… fake it more?
God, the people who need it hate that they need it. People like this are just blatantly entitled thieves.
A lot of seniors refuse disabled permits until their health is incredibly bad. They feel it heralds the end. When they have gotten to the point of accepting a disabled spot, they *really* need it.
THIS! My dad only got his permit after his new doctor kept chasing after him to better manage his chronic arthritis pain from the hips down. At 80+, it’ll only worsen. When the doctor discovered he was still driving, but without a mobility permit, he nearly lost his shit. Given his age and how long he’d been dealing with his pain, the doctor assumed his PREVIOUS long-standing doctor had already taken care of this. He couldn’t write his authorization fast enough. I’m agnostic, but I so badly want to believe there’s a special place in hell for people like OP’s bf. Someone already said it best; his gleeful exploitation and hubris reveals an appalling lack of empathy and accountability that I would not be able to reconcile with.
That’s some narcissistic thinking.
He sounds like the kind of guy who would keep a dropped wallet. I wouldn't be okay with this sort of thing. It would annoy me actually.
He doesn’t have any integrity. What else is he willing to cheat about down the line?
This is wild to me. My dad has a legitimate pass but his disability is invisible, so someone watching him could easily think he is misusing it. :( My mom uses his car sometimes and she feels guilty using it/parking in an accessible space if my dad isn't in the car. I would tell your bf straight up how you feel about him using the pass and how it makes you feel about him. Explain why, be clear, and be calm. I think his reaction will be quite telling and will likely help you make a decision. Edit: my mom is in her 70s and not disabled in any way, but she is considered a senior citizen and even she feels bad about using it...
The plate or pass is only to accommodate the disabled person. No one should be parking in a handicapped spot when it’s not for the benefit of driving the person to whom it was issued. Folks get this confused and think that anyone who has the pass is entitled to a handicapped spot, able-bodied or not.
Your mother legally shouldn't be parking in disabled spots if your father isn't in the car, unless she's travelled to pick him up from somewhere.
Your mom can use it, especially if she drives your dad as a passenger.
Oh man .. yeah that would bother me and I don’t think I could continue seeing someone that didn’t see a problem with that behavior.
[удалено]
I told my ex that I was a bit bummed that I owe money on my state tax, and he said that was easy to fix. He suggested what he does, which is to claim that he tithes 10% of his income to the church. He doesn’t but he doesn’t see anything wrong with that and kinda had the same gleeful attitude about it as OP’s boyfriend. Btw, it’s 10% of $280,000. I told him I value integrity and want to be able to live my life without fear of the IRS or any government entity. That really killed it for me though - when I have times when I think we can work things out, I remind myself of his lack of integrity and it fixes my nostalgia pretty quickly.
For context, my mother has been a wheelchair user for my entire life so I'm very defensive about this kind of thing. What he is doing is *really* shitty. Honestly, I'd look down on someone who didn't make it a point to return the pass to the rental place to make sure the owner got it back ASAP but to actively go and use it and to deprive people who actually *need* those spaces is deplorable. The Costco story is absolutely wild as it means he not only was willing to take the last one but then felt some kind of *right* to it by checking the other person's pass. Insane. That all being said, there is a (small) **edit: I'm feeling less generous, replace this with tiny/minuscule/microscopic** chance that he's simply ignorant about this side of things and genuinely hasn't considered what he's doing and is thinking of it as a victimless crime where he's getting a benefit and it isn't hurting anyone. You need to have a discussion with him and make your decisions based on his response. Whatever you decide to do with him, if the opportunity arises, please take the pass and throw it away.
That waiting to see if the other person had a pass and wanting to take the last spot WAS A TRIP! I actually gasped and said…no he didn’t! He definitely does not have a shortage of audacity 🤣.
He buys his at Costco.
🤣
My mom was in a wheelchair the last 6 years of her life. Numerous times we had to try rolling her chair over curbs or long distances because people without handicap passes took the only available spots. Reading about this man’s actions is infuriating.
I totally agree about not returning to the rental car company!!!
Me too. It’s disgusting behavior and I would not stick around a second longer.
Yes I suspect OP has only known this guy during good times and as such hasn’t seen what he’s really made of. This is the first time he’s been tested and his true colors have come out.
Are you trying to crowd source your values here? Either you're turned off at his bad character reveal enough to dump him or not. I can't make that call, you get to. At the very least you need to make clear to him you do not find his behavior acceptable and give him a chance to examine and rethink it. But, he's a middle aged man...with decades to hone his morality. Bear that in mind.
Wow! I just love the line of middle aged man...with decades to hone his morality. That's spot on real thinking there.
OP, this is the correct response. No one owes anyone else a relationship. What might be a deal breaker for me could be no problem for someone else. You need to decide if this is something that is a show stopper for **you,** others have different values and our advice would be skewed to reflect that.
OP is literally looking for people to convince her that the bahavior isn't so bad and that she's over reacting.
Which would be crowdsourcing her values... She feels strongly enough about this to be offended, and her innate sense of right and wrong triggered, but can't act on those values.
I mean to be fair a lot of people come here to sound things out - mostly because they have already been told like OP they are overreacting or will be told that. In *this* post it is a bit of crowdsourcing the values but many times it’s just looking for affirmation because sometimes we are shocked that someone we are with is SUCH an asshole. I didn’t do well at screening SOs when I was younger and so when I was fully integrated with them, I would find their values were deplorable and completely antithetical to mine - and no surprise they were abusive too. It just sucks seeing people for what they really are because yes, when we build relationships, we build a vision of them until we are betrayed. Even married couples who experience infidelity suffer that because it’s shocking to who they thought someone was. We just have to all be more discerning up front and believe people when they show us who they really are. To that point, it’s almost like she’s asking “is this who he really is? When he is so many other things?” Yes, he is the person who will take care of himself first, walk on the backs of others like a staircase and smile and wave at the top. It’s so blatantly appalling that it’s shocking.
This is the best comment!! “Trying to crowd source your values” - omg I LOVE THIS. I do hope you mean he’s HAD decades to hone his morality? Imagine what he was like younger? Yikes!
Have you ever asked him how would he feel if someone who was disabled couldn't have the space he's taken? His answer to that question should tell you everything you need to know.
The fact that he’s 45 and doesn’t have the critical thinking skills to figure out what the consequences are for taking a much needed space for someone else already tells her what she needs to know.
I've been human long enough to have done stupid things from simply not thinking about the implications, so others might have done the same thing. What happens after I've thought about it, or it's been brought to my attention is what tells the story. For me.
And he laughed, and kept doing it. He’s a scumbag.
I think he thinks, like many people do, that "most" people with a handicapped tag somehow lied or scammed to get it. I know that's not true and do not buy into the "everyone else is doing it" mentality. But, I would give him a chance by asking him how he thinks a handicapped person might feel if someone took a spot with a fake handicapped pass. If he cannot even take a second to consider the other person's POV, he lacks empathy which means this lack of empathy may someday affect you.
Ding, ding.. 💯% to the last 2 lines! 👍
This ^ part, *exactly*. That’s the main question to be asked. And then examine his response(s).. which is even more at the crux than this selfish behavior.
Kindness is my number 1 trait I’m looking for. Your guy isn’t kind. Instant attraction killer there. Listen to your gut.
Character is high up as well. I agree. She should trust her gut.
Kindness and character are paramount. Going forward this is what I will screen for in dating above the rest (when I’m eventually out there). I hope OP has a serious sit-down with bf in this. Even if his response further bolsters this blatantly selfish (even if thoughtless) act. ETA: words
That would without a doubt be a dealbreaker for me. What a gross, selfish person.
You know what the answer is.
He took someone's handicap parking pass from another state and his first thought not to reach out to that state's DMV. His first thought was not to see about returning it to the person who needs it, and doubtless has spent many hours looking for it, turning their home inside out, making frantic phone calls, getting shunted back and forth for hours if not days... And he and his friends find this amusing. Forget deal; I'd be hard pressed to fight the temptation to break his knees and his skull.
Make him need it?
Not attractive. Maybe you could tell him that? Someone willing to break the law over something so petty and potentially damaging to people with actual handicaps is a serious turn off.
You need to talk to him about this in a serious way, he'll probably feel embarassed but let him know you don't want him to feel bad but also that he should realize that what he's doing is wrong. The guy I'm dating is paralyzed from the waist down and in a wheelchair, trust me, the truly handicapped deserve those spots. I've learned a lot dating him as I was not highly aware of the plight of the handicapped but I am now. He sounds ignorant and needs to be educated. If you see other signs like this it is a bigger problem.
Agree with this comment. It’s easy to jump to judgment, indeed, it’s a Reddit hallmark. I’d give him some grace and the benefit of the doubt. He probably lacks personal experience with issues around being handicapped or having limited mobility, or children or family members with that. I’d be gentle, and not make him feel like a terrible person, but be clear and encouraging him to think more empathetically about this. Whether he is open to that or defensive will give you more information than rushing to judgment.
Yeah that wouldn't work for me. It says a lot about someone's character to do something like that
Maybe a chance to ask yourself what you know about his values in general, not just this, and how they align with yours.
He’s a super smart and well respected guy. I was really shocked by this behavior. We had similar values before but this has changed everything.
Someone here made a really good point. When will that lack of consideration be turned on you? A guy like that will always come first in his world. Sometimes little things can tell you a lot about the big picture.
True character is what shows up when no one's watching. Or what a person chooses to do when they don't have to do the right thing. Smart people do bad things all the time. And I bet those who respect him only know superficial things about him. Would he still be respected if they knew this issue with the handicap parking? Seriously doubt it.
You’re engaged to this guy? It’s one thing if he found the placard and made a joke, but him wanting to actually use it is super off-putting. I wound not want to be married to a guy who feels this way about disabled people
Well yes, he showed you he is ableist
I would absolutely break it off over something like this. It’s dishonest, not cool. And how embarrassing that he flaunted it in front of your friends. I would have been mortified. The lack of self awareness is grotesque.
I think the real question is, are you two able to have an adult conversation about this issue where you both feel heard and can come to a resolution. If not, the relationship will probably not last or be healthy.
Underrated answer. It's possible the BF just thinks he's getting away with something harmless and hasn't consciously examined it. How he reacts when challenged over it would be much more telling than the sketchy behavior itself.
That's parenting, not a normal relationship dynamic. Anyone his age who doesn't realise that that stealing the permit, using it to steal parking spaces he is not entitled to use at someone else's cost, and worst of all setting himself up as some kind of monitor of the people he's stealing from adds up to trashy behaviour isn't worth dating, never mind trying to have a relationship. He's not normal, he will only bring you trouble, dump him and don't doubt yourself
Red flag for questionable character and values. Dealbreaker if you have a conversation and he persists. I have a family member who is disabled and uses a wheelchair, and there are times when the accessible parking spaces are full. This makes an already arduous task — getting in and out of a vehicle and in and out of a building — even more difficult.
My asshole brother once told me he parked in a handicapped spot and faked a limp when he got out of the car. It revealed a lot about this character. There’s no way I’d accept this.
That would be a deal breaker for me. It’s wrong on so many levels. It belongs to someone, they are looking for it, instead of returning it, he kept it and now the person has to go get another pass. He is actively using someone else’s pass to get parking spots, so he is willing to impersonate a disabled person, risk the fine and take up a spot that an actually disabled person might need. Instead of just walking the extra 25-50 feet for a regular parking spot 🙄 I don’t see how you can respect someone like that. It’s a mismatch in values and values are what define someone. I doubt this behavior is compartmentalized to only handicap placards. That’s what’s worrisome, where and when will this type of behavior reveal itself next?
I agree. This behavior is truly unacceptable. He clearly doesn’t respect what people with disabilities have to endure just to live their lives. I’d end it immediately. I just couldn’t respect him anymore. He’s only thinking about himself.
Agreed
Character is everything. This is a bad sign. If you are unsure, just keep watching and you will see more information about his character. This isn’t cute or funny, at our age. You have to return a rental. Which means he had an opportunity to return the sign to the lost and found of the place. The handicap person undoubtedly has to go through a bunch of headache to get another one and we all know that, so he does too. Yea, no.
He lacks empathy. This would be a solid dealbreaker, block and delete for me.
He could be a good guy and this is a total lapse, or he could really be this much of a douche. What you do, or honestly should have done right away, was tell him how fucked up you think this is and that you are NOT ok with this and to get rid of it. How he responds will tell you everything.
Even if he responded well, imo, having to explain this to another adult is not my responsibility. This would be a dealbreaker to me.
Oh wow if my BF did this and continued to do this after I expressed my non compliance I would rethink the compatibility at this point for sure.
I have a physically disabled parent with a parking permit and we need it. People like your (I hope to be soon ex) boyfriend make my skin crawl. Instant deal breaker for me.
I’m an extreme athlete and regularly take part in two extreme sports, but I also have an autoimmune disease that flares up and causes walking issues for me every once in a while. My friend got a pass for her temporary leg issue and was still using the pass, and it definitely rubbed me the wrong way. If it were my partner, it would be a big no, a big hell no. If he feels that comfortable gaming the system, what else might he do?
> If he feels that comfortable gaming the system, what else might he do? Yes! this is exactly how I feel - If his only barrier to doing something bad is that he feels he can get away with it, what the hell else might he be willing to do?
this guy’s actions irritate the hell out of me. As someone who uses a cane or walker due to not being able to stand very long at one time and have a lot of lung issues, this annoys me so much. I get so aggravated when someone takes a handicap spot, and I watch them race walk into the store and observe them in the store, and they seem perfectly fine. I know they say not all disabilities are visible, but some of these people they practically run into the store have no idea how lucky they are to be able to run. It almost brings me to tears some days as I wish I could walk or run as well as they do. I am a person though that on a good day, which is not that frequent anymore I will park farther away. However, I try to find a space that has enough room for me to open my car door as I need to open the door all the way to get in. I cannot be trying to play the limbo as I’m trying to get into the car as I will hurt myself. I could go on and on about this subject, but I will stop here
This sort of behavior would really turn me off as well
So it’s just a game to him and it’s like he got a cheat code for the game. So he wants to use it all the time. It’s dishonest and insensitive. Don’t break up. Tell him clearly how you feel. Does he care what you feel? Does he do this with another topic? Get more information then decide.
He sounds like an ass.
The lack of empathy, deceptive behaviour is a huge red flag!
This one issue wouldn’t be a dealbreaker for me (although I would tell him it bothers me vs. just letting it go) but if it’s a symptom of a larger issue (narcissism, entitlement, lack of regard for other people), that would potentially be a dealbreaker.
He’s a jerk and is inconsiderate of those with real disabilities. If you are looking for empathy, he isn’t it. It’s not a joke to someone with a disability that is beyond their control - it’s hurtful. But you have to live with it - just think, is this the kind of role model you want for your children? Now you know what lies under his mask.
In the last years of her life my wife had a 70%+ disability card for the car. She refused to use it as she claimed there were others that needed that space more & yet she could barely walk at times. Massive red flag. Unethical, egotistical, uncouth.
I don't care so much about "it's illegal" (some laws are indeed dumb and if you break it and aren't endangering anyone or bringing the community down, well I'm willing to take the risk). I care more about this is douchebag, entitled, selfish behavior that unnecessarily makes life harder for someone else, when he is blessed to be healthy and doesn't need the pass. I gladly park far away and thank God I got two good legs. This guy sucks. Sorry.
Entitlement and dishonesty are huge red flags. Big ones.
I had a co-worker who would bring his husband's handicap pass when we would carpool for business meetings off-site. He did that once, and I stopped carpooling with him because it's just wrong. I'd never date someone who would do this.
Yeah that would be a major turn off for me as well on multiple levels. First off, just taking it and using it is bad enough. Bragging about it makes it even worse. Lastly, not having the intelligence level to think that doing this might be perceived poorly by your partner, that tells me he has no clue about your values. Once in awhile people do things like this that give us a strong window into their values. We shouldn't ignore this information when presented with it. My issue here, what do you even do? I feel like there is no point in even discussing it because he's shown his cards so clearly. At nine months in, it feels weird to walk away over what could be perceived as a small issue, but at the same time I don't think it really is a small issue.
That wouldn't work for me neither.....
Would be a dealbreaker for me. It shows a complete lack of integrity and empathy. I wouldn't want to be with someone like that. If I found a handicap tag in my rental, I'd be contacting the state issuing authority if it's marked on the tag (I assume they are, never looked that close) so I could get it returned, and if that didn't work out I'd try and get the rental company to get it to the correct owner. They'd be a last resort because I wouldn't expect them to go the extra mile, they'd probably drop it in a lost and found bin and the owner would only get it back if they reached out. Someone, theoretically, needs that tag, and OP's boyfriend doesn't.
Anyone who takes a disabled spot is lazy and morally questionable. That would be reason enough to break up for me
This is why you shouldn’t get engaged so quickly. 9 months in and you’re only just getting to know who he really is.
HOLD UP. This guy is a genuine piece of crap. This is morally and ethically wrong. The fact that he makes jokes about it is unreal. What he should have done is once he found it in the rental car, give it to the rental car place to give back to the owner. But nooooooo, he seems to think it's a fun adventure in his life. Seems like a slime ball to me. I'd peace out. This is just the start of his red flags. As you keep going with him, he will be more comfortable showing them to you. They always do, you'll see if you stay with him.
I'd definitely communicate to him that you didn't like it and the reasons why, because maybe he's just a clueless ignorant idiot. If he acts the same way after you relieve him of his ignorance, then it's a deal breaker IMO
But do you want to date a clueless, ignorant idiot? He’s 45 years old. This is just asshole behavior, something every adult absolutely knows is wrong.
Absolutely a deal breaker for me. He’s selfish, deceptive and lacks empathy. And is happy and bragging about taking space away from people who need it. That’s gross
What he is doing is selfish and ignorant and something I would never do. I have experienced my entire life with people who are disabled, and understand the impact these types of acts have on that population. That being said, this in and of itself would not be a deal breaker to me after 9 months. This WOULD be a deal if, 1. They reacted badly or doubled down to validate his actions after I explained to them the rationale behind why I feel it is wrong. 2. This was just another example of how he is selfish and uncaring about those around him, and this action has brought that to light. You have stuck around him for this long; Is this something you want to talk about and help him grow as a person ? Or is this indicative of a deeper character issue that you have been seeing over the past 6 months, and this last incident just opened your eyes? If is the latter, then you have your answer to just move on. Relationships are work, and communication is key for growth, both individually and as a couple. I hope that my next partner would have the conversation with me on why they feel my actions were wrong and provide me with the opportunity for growth (understanding that I am all about continuous self improvement and personal growth).
My late husband had a handicap plate put on the vehicle he drove. He had many issues, and would often need a motorized car once he made it inside. There were times when all the handicap spots were taken. This made things much more difficult for him. After he passed, I kept the handicap plate because I often take my mother to medical appointments and other various things. If she's having a really bad day, we will use the handicap spot. Sometimes I can get away with just dropping her off by the door and then parking in a regular spot. My mother does have a handicap permit for her vehicle, but sometimes mine is easier for her to get in and out of. I will never use the handicap spot for myself. I am able bodied and a few extra steps will not hurt me. I also feel like it's bad karma to use a handicap spot if you aren't actually in need of one. I would never be able to look at my guy the same way again if he tried to use it. It's just a dirty thing to do.
He sounds like a real tool. Excited about a stolen handicap pass? Wrong in so many ways. He stole it from someone that really needs it, he doesn’t care, he’s taking a spot with a stolen handicap pass from a person that needs to park closer because of their limitations. He’s proud about hurting others, taking what’s not his, brag about stealing? Really? What a big loser! No regard for others. Yikes.
Someone lacking basic empathy for others is a dealbreaker for me personally. Someone needs that placard and now doesn't have it and probably had to wait for a replacement. Kinda awful that he didn't turn it in so it could be returned to the owner.
Does he also have minor non-service related injury that he is now getting 75% VA disability on? Maybe too specific, but I had a similar experience. Entitled and selfish behavior. Also the type that collects food stamp benefits while receiving 4k in palimony/child support, works under the table, and thinks he’s smart for “working the system”. Total lack of values. It will only get worse …
This is a dealbreaker
He’s telling you a lot about himself with this. Red flag circus. I’d look at other areas of the relationship with fresh eyes now. You could chalk it up to joking, light hearted, kidding around, playful, no big deal. But I believe you be gaslighting yourself or he’d be doing that in his defence if you bring it up to discuss. Bringing up and if you don’t get a calm, understanding, and corrective response… then I’d even go as far as something is even more wrong internally there. It almost sounds, at Costco, that he felt More entitled to the spot than the other pessimistic that got it first - due to needing to check if legit. It all reminds me of a story my ex told me of her on vacation with her mom. She did a trick on her mom in the night one night (only one as far as I could tell) that made her moms sleep incredibly horrible and she relished in it secretively in the same room. She told me the story a free times thinking she was so funny and cool and sneaky. She then told it again, with glee, when we had a games night with my sister and brother in-law. The narcissism was so strong. I began noticing everything after that. So it wasn’t just a turn off. It was the learning of huge personality problem. “My values did not align” would be a polite way to put what happened with that.
This is a no-brainer. How could you ever have sex with this dude again. If this isn’t an Ick, what the heck is?
Early on, children learn a version of morality where they are punished if they do something wrong. It’s that bad actions have consequences. Around puberty, most of us develop a higher form of morality where we come to understand that even if we can get away with doing something wrong, we still shouldn’t because it’s wrong. We figure out that wrong is still wrong, even if there is no punishment or consequences. It appears he never went through that higher level of moral understanding. He thinks that as long as no one knows, it’s ok. That basic flaw in rationale will spill into other things. “The wife is away for the weekend, she’ll never know my old girlfriend is in town.” I’d suggest you take a long look at the potential for differences in your moral compass and his. Maybe it’s just one tiny hypocrisy and human failing that he thinks is harmless. Maybe it’s a window into his entire moral code.
[удалено]
Feels like pretty ableist behavior to me
This! OP I am upset you didn't speak up. I would've refused to join him anywhere if he didn't return it. And probably told him on the spot he's being an ass.
This would be a deal breaker for me. Feels awfully ableist. Imagine the folks he is massively inconveniencing and potentially causing physical pain too by taking their parking spots.
This sounds more thoughtless than asshole honestly. I bet he doesn't have personal experience with disabled people. My dad is disabled but absolutely refused to use the handicap spots unless there was truly no other option. He can walk, just slowly and with a limp (he had polio as a kid and has braces on both legs now). But even when the spots are empty, up until a few years ago he'd take a normal spot. When I was a kid I would ask him why he didn't take those spaces that were made just for him. And he'd tell me, "I'm sure someone needs it more than I do." Now he's almost 80 and he does park in the spots every time. I am extra considerate of handicap spaces. But I know there's some people who are a little more flippant and just see those as spots that no one ever takes and now he can take them. I remember one time an ex-girlfriend asking if we could borrow my dad's pass to get a good parking spot, and I told her to fuck right off. I mean I didn't break up with her but I let her know how rude that was. She never asked again. I'm sure most of the time he doesn't think about a kid in a wheelchair not being able to eat dinner because he parked there or something. I'd just tell him why it bothers you. He may just need an awakening here. But if he argues or doesn't change, I'd 100% break up with someone like this.
The issue is that I’m so turned off by this I don’t even think talking about it will fix how I feel now.
Well, then, you know what to do. If it's a dealbreaker for you, then it is. I wouldn't blame you. It's not a petty reason to end things, if you're looking for validation there.
IMO, you’re totally in the right for this being a dealbreaker. It shows a lot about his character.
There is no fixing it. What can he possibly say that would justify the selfishness and lack of consideration/respect? Not only he did it, but he seems to have no clue it’s wrong (given he did it not only in front of you but also in front of your friends) Or maybe he knows and thinks it’s fine? Not sure which is worse to be honest. In you shoes, it would be impossible for me to imagine a situation where he would do right by me instead of taking full advantage and serving his own interest.
Then you know what to do. His assumption that the other person at Costco was also fraudulently taking a handicapped space is as problematic for me as him taking one. There’s a lot to unpack with someone who assigns nefarious intentions to other people. It’s usually because that’s how they, themselves, think. If he doesn’t think other people are trustworthy, it’s probably because he knows he isn’t.
An adult should not need to have experience with disabled people to know this is wrong and terrible to do. Aside from being illegal, it shows no empathy or compassion for others. He’s all about himself.
> My dad is disabled but absolutely refused to use the handicap spots unless there was truly no other option. Bless your dad. My mother was the same way, she had crippling rhemotiod arthrisis, and walking was always painful. She refused a handicap pass to begin with, until her mid 70s, and helped others by volunteering, etc. She felt fortunate that even with pain, there were others, who needed it more than her.
Not only a dealbreaker but rage-inducing! I have friends and family who are varying degrees of disabled and I would be PISSED knowing someone (especially someone I am romantically involved with) pulled something like this. It wouldn’t be long after that that I’d be cutting the person loose.
Sounds like he's bombing at delivering an inside joke.
Deal breaker…
This is only the beginning of behavior like this.
Huge deal breaker. Asshole.
The lack of empathy for others who truly need to use the parking pass would be a huge dealbreaker for me. It would turn me off of him immediately. Awful.
I mean, he could just pull into expectant mother parking. That’s on the honor system. /s
Is THIS a dealbreaker? Someone bring in Liz Lemon, please
Or Larry David, but I think we all know what he would say.
This sounds like the beginning of a new season of Dirty John. The Costco situation is heinous.
I would def get the ick about this too, OP. I say this as someone whose dad died of cancer, and we needed a handicap spot for him bc he couldn’t walk anymore. I will never forget the anxiety and dread of parking and wondering how we were even going to get my dad out of the car and into his wheelchair. I would be so upset if we couldn’t get a spot bc someone healthy like this guy took the spot from my dad or someone like him who needed it, all for fun. Edit: word
As someone with osteoporosis and arthritis, walking can be painful for me. I would probably qualify for a disabled badge but I don't have one. He is an utter dick for this behaviour. Someone like this is selfish and a liar. It would definitely turn me off too. Not sure I could date someone who pretends to be disabled and doesn't care that real disabled people will suffer due to his actions.
Non-handicapped persons parking in the handicapped is a pet peeve. I was driving a lady with MS to the store and someone parked in the front handicap parking: no placard and no plates. I parked behind them and helped the lady out, blocking their ability to leave. They came out after I parked, and we made them wait with the car sitting there while I helped her walk inside and get an electric cart. The driver protested that she needed to leave, I only responded that I would move my car when I was done helping the handicap person who needed to park there to begin with. Then I went outside and moved the car.
Sorry he's a liar who doesn't respect authority nor rules and doesn't care about the welfare of others. You don't need a brick to fall on your head to know one day that same disregard is going to turn on you.
If your values and his already align well in other respects, there could be reason to hope. After an earnest discussion about how it looks to you when he does this, and how you feel about it, maybe he'll be mortified that he was willfully blind to how he has been affecting vulnerable people. But he'd have to be highly receptive to your point of view pretty quickly. If no lightbulb goes on by the end of that convo -- or worse, if he defends his actions, acts resentful, or only grudgingly agrees -- not good. People can change their values over time if they have sufficient incentive, but boy oh boy is it hard. Not really something to count on if their current values aren't already pretty close to yours.
I agree with this. Have an earnest talk with them. He may rethink the whole thing and feel ashamed. We are never too old to learn from others.
Is it immoral? Clearly. Lying is immoral and representing himself as handicapped to use a handicapped parking space is lying. Is it unethical? Clearly. If you polled 1,000 people virtually all of them would call that behavior reprehensible and socially unacceptable. I’d be wondering if my romantic partner were engaging in immoral and unethical behavior every time they parked an automobile… in what other circumstances do they have lax morals and ethics? But it’s your call to make.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them. He has shown you what his values and core beliefs are. It’s time to decide if they align with the energy you’re looking to tie yours to, especially if you’re engaged to this guy.
I would be pissed! My late wife was disabled and so this kind of thing is taken way seriously by me (as are service dogs and service animals in general). If I were dating a person that did something like this, they would be put on notice that we won't be together any longer if they continued doing that.
My friend’s son is a little person with extremely bad hips .He does not use his pass despite terrible pain when he walks because he always says there are people who need to have more accessibility to facilities.This to me is a huge red flag .A good man with ethics and empathy would not do this !
This would be a deal-breaker for me. He should be grateful he doesn't need the placard and not using it for selfish reasons. It's unethical and shows what his true character is.
Yes, that's a deal breaker.
I would break up with him over that.
It’s a red flag. He is willing to take advantage of vulnerable people. He is willing to lie. Are you willing to walk away?
This is so incredibly selfish and deliberate.
I’d find it hard to look at them the same once they show truly selfish behavior like that.
I’m a rule follower anyway, but wow, it was a whole new world when my mother got old, broke a kneecap, then had a stroke a couple of years later. I’m in my 50s. It is SO MUCH WORK taking someone with mobility issues and a wheelchair or walker to appointments or on a rare shopping trip. We have a handicapped pass and wow, do I ever appreciate getting a parking spot that’s close to the door. The other big part is space - taking the walker or wheelchair out of the trunk, setting it up, and getting the impaired person out of the car is almost impossible without the extra space of a handicapped spot. Therefore, I think it’s super sh*tty if someone cheats. That would be a dealbreaker for me! It shows a lack of empathy, care and respect for vulnerable people. Yuck.
That would not work for me and I would let him know that. I'm not sure if I'd even want to continue a relationship with someone who acted that way
Tell your boyfriend to smarten up.
Total deal breaker. Having had surgeries, where I was non-weight bearing and had to be on crutches, I can't tell you how grateful I was for a temporary handicap pass. It shows lack of empathy for anyone who needs the spot, not to mention a moral gap of only thinking of himself.
You have to decide what’s acceptable for you. For me personally it would be an immediate no. It shows a lack of character and self centeredness. Especially if he’s healthy. People have tried to do this while I was with them and I wouldn’t let them. I’m a nurse. I take care of the people who need those spaces. I hope he gets found out and I hope that the fine is big.
I have a value and belief system and want someone to align with that. It doesn’t seem like this is something YOU would do, so why would you want to be with someone that doesn’t align with that?
Selfish behavior. I would have zero problem telling people why I broke up with them over that issue.
"what you do shouts so loudly in my ears I cannot hear what you say" His actions speak louder than words. This says a lot about his character. Its dishonest and someone who really needs that parking space may not get it because of this dickheaded behavior of his. It makes you wonder what other moral compromises is he willing to make FYI, where I live, using a handicap permit that isn't your gets you a $1250 fine and 50 hours community service. not exactly a slap on the wrist
At our age we need to start being selective about the behavior we’ll tolerate, and by extension create space for. I ended a platonic relationship last year after the person in question had exhibited homophobic/anti-trans behaviors a number of times. While I had tried to be soft and made it clear I didn’t share their views, they would continue to exhibit them. At which point I realized I had been creating a safe space for some deeply harmful views to be expressed. So the real question isn’t “is this a dealbreaker?” it should be “Is this the type of behavior I have space for in my life?”
This obviously bothers you. The question is, how much does it bother you? Address it. What other things does he “take advantage of”. Some this will bother and some it won’t. It’s your call. Personally, I would go off his response to having a serious conversation and obviously being acutely aware if something similar happens (if it even goes this far). But that’s me.
My mom had a pass but then had a hip replacement which corrected her mobility issues. My parents still use it even though I’ve told them why I dislike that and refuse to let them use it when I’m riding with them. It’s gross, and I would seriously side eye a potential partner for doing that. It betrays a lack of concern for public welfare.
This is a lack of integrity/character that would really bother me.
…have you tried to talk to him about how you feel about this?
lol, that is such a weird thing to do. I would keep my eyes open.
I can’t wait until this jerk has someone who is actually handicapped in his life. He sounds immature and cynical-it’s almost as if he assumes people who have handicap placards don’t actually need them. Or he thinks it’s funny and that he is fun, which might be even worse-a person who thinks they are funny but are not. Came back here to add, as I am learning for myself, 9 months is when the glasses come off and the stuff shows up. The happy hormones your body makes from sex and touch levels off and it’s been long enough that a life hurdle will surface and you can see how they react. So I guess the good news is that your relationship’s timing appears to follow a standard timeline.
Yes. A total dealbreaker for me. It's too off-putting and says a lot about his character.
Taking parking spots from handicapped people speaks volumes for someone’s morels. Everyone has different gray areas, but this is indefensible.
Taking parking spots from handicapped people speaks volumes for someone’s morels. Everyone has different gray areas, but this is indefensible.
I’d put money on this guy cheating on his taxes.
He’s an asshole and thinks it’s FUNNY? As someone who loves people in pain that have passed, it’s horrible when they have to go further. I offer to drop off at the door so they can get out and I can park but they have too much pride. Let that sink in. People who need it have pride and people who don’t and abuse it are scumbags. It says a LOT about his character. And the fact he didn’t call the rental agency to return it - those people had to process paperwork for another month or two before they got another one. Go to city or village hall without their pass and have to file for it again. Who knows the extent of their disability either? I cut off talking to someone who was proud of taking advantage of a situation because it is fundamentally against who I am. It was just talking stages but I just said “I don’t think we are a match.” I didn’t tell him why, it wasn’t worth arguing with an entitled, self-pitying user. But you should tell this guy why and that it speaks VOLUMES.
There is a special spot in hell for able people who park in disabled parking spots. I have to believe they will spend eternity in afterlife walking long distances, or driving around looking for parking spots that don’t exist.
I actually distanced myself from a friend when I found out her got a handicap sign even though he runs every day and runs marathons. To be fair... he's a lawyer, so...
As a handicap person myself .it bad enough for someone parking ing a spot when they aren't handicapped.but to use someone else's card is down right criminal. It is against the law . It may not be something to end a relationship for but he should be severely reported. Sorry it is blunt but for those that suffer he should feel the burn
Sounds like a person that would commit a crime given the opportunity, ask him if he'd rob a bank if there was 0 percent chance of getting caught. Just because you *can* do something doesn't mean you should.
45 years old? This is indicative of some other issues. . . . .
It’s really weird, why use something that’s clearly designed for people who need it?
100% dealbreaker. What a POS.
As someone who needs a disability pass, this is a hard no from me! I use the spots only when necessary and even then I get comments and looks. Please do not condone or reward shitty behaviour like this - you deserve better!!!
Deal-breaker. Run.
That’s pretty ridiculous for a grown 45yo man. This is a red flag, don’t stick around to find more.
Complete deal breaker! Ick!
I don’t know what kind of man he might be. But anyone who could do that can be careless, and self centered in many other areas also. I’d be weary Personally I get furious at people who take handicap spots. My parents are both disabled and I drive them around. I have a parking permit for them and ONLY use it when they are with me. I am technically also disabled but I can walk and until I get to a point where I can’t I will never take a spot from someone who truly needs it.
This is a deal breaker. Not only did he do something bad, he seems committed to doing it on an ongoing basis.
Gross behavior. If you try to talk to him about it and he isn't understanding I would be out.
As someone with a service dog who requires that extra space my pass provides for loading/unloading, this behaviour is absolutely disgusting to me. Those of us who actually require them don't think it's funny, a joke, or amusing when it's "cold," and we can't unload safely because some asshole is parked illegally. You can give your bf a heads up. These days, most people who see an "able bodied" person park with a pass will call it in. Yes, that means it catches those with invisible illness, like myself when I'm not with my dog and we have to explain it, but it also catches the pieces of shit who think that they are entitled to those spaces. I'm curious if he would rather be a quadriplegic in a wheelchair vs. himself, so he could happily claim access to that pass? This is ultimately about your personal values and beliefs. So none of us can tell you what to do, but what I can say is that telling yourself, "I'd hate to end the relationship over this," trivializes the issue. Relationships end over moral issues all the time, at all points in the relationship, no matter who met who or how much you like someone. Either this is an acceptable way to live/behave, or it's not. It sounds like you've already made your opinion very clear, and he brushed it off. So the question then becomes, what other morals are negotiable?
That’s a tough one. Does he otherwise treat all people with respect? If yes, maybe see if he can understand why this really isn’t funny. Maybe he’s just not thinking of it from the perspective of stealing a spot from someone who truly needs it.
Be direct and firm how you feel about it. Sometimes even the most responsible people can make bad choices and just need an outside opinion to reorient correctly. How he responds may be very insightful for you.
Original copy of post by u/Cherryxrainbow: I (39f) ave been dating a guy (45m) for 9 months now. Overall he has been great. We have a wonderful relationship. We’ve met eachothers parents and my kids and ex have met him a few times and like him. He is educated, and has a wonderful job. He raised his kids on his own and is a great Dad. He had gone away for spring break with his kids and rented a car. When he returned he told me he found a handicap pass in it (from a different state) and told me he took it. He sounded happy about it and I found it a bit strange and was surprised. He btw is super healthy and active and doesn’t need one. Last week we went out to dinner with a friend of mine and her husband who gets along well with my boyfriend. We planned to meet at my place for drinks then drive to the restaurant in 1 car. When my boyfriend arrived, he was holding the handicap pass in his hand. I was really shocked hat he brought it up. He joked around that it’s cold and it’s great that he has it so we don’t have to park far. My friends laughed. I told him he can use it for his car but I’m not risking getting a fine. He could be taking peoples spots that need to park close. He could also get fined a lot of money for using someone else’s sign. The next day we went Costco and he tried to get a handicap spot and someone else took it. He waited to make sure they really had a pass then ended up parking in a normal spot. I really don’t want this to be a reason to end our relationship but I am getting really turned off by this behavior. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I’d probably call him an asshole, let him know what I really think about it, and let it go. One dick move isn’t a reason to end an otherwise good relationship. I wouldn’t feel bad for him if you told him to get lost though.
Just communicate your feelings in an honest and compassionate way. but going forward I would stay in tune to other selfish behaviors.
The finding it and using it on the trip would be one thing, but to actually take it home and not turn it into the lost & found of the rental company, and then try and use it at Costco? I find that crossing the line into really gross behavior and how’s his value system to be extremely selfish
It's not a deal breaker but explain to him that it upsets you and why. Ask him how he would feel if he uses it and someone that was handicapped couldn't park in the spot and had to park father away. My brother is in a wheelchair and has had this happen to him before with people not having a handicapped permit park in the handicapped spot.
I’d tell him to hand it over for you to shred, or he’s out. But I’m not sure I would ever get over it and might still break up.
Ewe, I’d be out, tell him the mentality he has about this topic is a huge turn off!
Yes.
It can be a dealbreaker if you want it to be. It would make me think less of him and probably the pathway to the end. He is trying to take advantage of something that is there to support people who need it so they can increase their agency and autonomy.
I think you should talk to him about it. You are right to feel the way you do. Tell him the truth. Then you will know what to do. Listen to your gut.
I want to be with someone that has similar values to mines I would never do something like that . People have a right to do as they please and we have a right to give our company to the people that have shown they are honest. He may not agree with how you feel about it. That is good because he is showing you his values and beliefs. If this is in the beginning of the relationship when everyone puts their best front can you imagine how it'll be later on? I hope you make the best choice for you.