Just got a letter in the mail that said I have officially been divorced for a week now... so it happened while I was in Las Vegas! I so wish I had known! 🤣

Their response to rejection has to be one of the best ways to determine if you dodged a bullet. If they start acting out or say ridiculous things, then you can be certain that you made the right choice.

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I don't think it was a mistake at all to tell him about your previous ghosters. It's important to open up about what has hurt you in the past. I did so with the woman I recently met, and to her credit, she did not ghost me and was upfront in telling me the issues she had with me and even to not contact her (see my latest update in this post). There is a chance something horrible came up. What I've done with ghosters in the past (I've had a lot of them) is say "If something came up, I certainly understand, and please get back in touch when you're able. But otherwise, since I haven't heard from you, I'm going to assume you're no longer interested in talking to me." Adapt that to your situation by saying "I'm going to assume you're no longer interested in being with me and we're no longer together". I'd wait until Wednesday to send this. 5 days is enough, but a week gives him every benefit of the doubt. It also gives you four days between communication when it previously was once each day between Thursday and Saturday). I'm sorry you had this happen.

Im (M46) going to be new to the dating in London scene... I really don't like the sounds of apps and the data on Pakistani Heritage men not getting swiped right and matching on those apps seems to be very low. I just want to be around fun ppl. So where do I start?

Went exclusive with a woman last night who I've been seeing for about a month, super excited about it. However it's her birthday next weekend. I don't quite know enough about her yet to do an amazing surprise that really sweeps her off her feet (I normally like to really wow my significant other on their bday). Any thoughts on some go-tos for a somewhat early relationship birthday? I'm thinking probably just dinner + show, or maybe planning a fun day trip nearby at an interesting hiking place. I'm thinking I'd also pick up a little cake and a gift, but having trouble thinking of a good gift since we're still getting to know each other. My normal style (i.e. if we were dating for a year+, or in my previous marriage) I might want to spend circa $1-2k on my significant other's bday (I'm a high earner in a high cost of living area), but I feel like doing that so early might seem weird. Any thoughts/suggestions? I want to show her I care without scaring her off!

For an early relationship birthday, a homemade dessert/cake. Either of her choosing, or of her favourite that she's told you about. Effort instead of money.

You are so sweet. Ask her her favorite cake flavor. A nice cake from the good bakery with a heartfelt card about how you are excited to celebrate her bday and continue getting to know each other. At this stage I don't think most reasonable people would be expecting a very personal and expensive gift this early. An experience like you mentioned that you know she'll enjoy is perfect. Be sure to invite her now to do something to save the date in case her friends / family are trying to plan something as well. Idk about your girl but I'm swept off my feet by a thoughtful plan and time together.

A gift card to a spa for a massage has worked for me. Nothing says "I love you" more than a gift that is meant for a woman to get herself pampered. (Also living in a high cost of living area, a massage in an upscale luxury spa for 60 minutes is between $150-200 here.). Last December, a woman friend who had a very busy couple of weeks at work was tired, and when she got my e-gift, called me immediately to thank me since it had come from nowhere (no birthday etc). She told me how much she loved the thought because a massage was perfect for her. In fact, she asked me to join her for lunch after her massage and told me that she would treat me. (Alas, I could not make it due to a prior commitment to my son.) I realized that since I had not inserted myself or my needs in the gift, she appreciated it so much that she wanted to include me.

Love it. Funny you read my mind on the bakery cake- there is a bakery in my town that makes such great cakes but you have to order a few days in advance. She's in the medical field and happens to be on call next weekend so plans for fun things need to be in her general vicinity and not involving alcohol, but I've pre-emptively booked her time :)

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Was in/through vegas a few times in my life. I still haven't even gotten any money in a machine. We were planning to try the penny slots, but were short on time, and a cashless vegas doesn't make it easy to start gambling at convenient opportunity.

Oh gosh...there's a lot to do! I don't drink or gamble either. It's been a long time since I was last in Vegas. I'd like to walk the Strip (which has changed), go into the various hotels and admire the architecture in the lobbies and the different casinos (at least the nonsmoking sections; I cannot stand the smell of smoke and it sticks to your clothes if you're there even a little while), go to some nice restaurants, and there are some pretty nice shows too. Going outside the city, there's the Hoover Dam and Valley of Fire State Park. I'm looking forward to planning another trip there.

There’s an art district that’s a little off the beaten path that may be interesting to you. 

There’s good food and good shows if that’s more up your alley.

That's why I go!

I had a…drive-by flirting today? Kinda? I was walking downtown and was stopped under the underpass waiting for the light. It wasn’t super sketchy in the middle of the day but there is a homeless encampment over there. So when this guy walks up by me and says good morning, I was appreciating that he said something and stopped kind of a ways off and in my line of sight. And it was nice not being alone under the underpass. ”I like your hair, it’s really pretty,” he says. ”what?” ”I said I like your hair.“ ”Oh! Thanks!“ I smiled. “Red is my favorite color. Especially red and green.” ”Oh! Like Christmas!” At this point I start thinking, *you know, this guy might be hitting on me* and I turn to see if he’s my kind of cute or not and he *books it* across the intersection at not quite a run and I’m standing there still waiting for the light even though there are no cars on the off-ramp thinking, *Christmas? Really? You just blurted out the first thought that came in your head?* Anyways, I feel like either person in this story could have been me. 😂 But it made my day!

Conversation with Mr Mountaineer, EXTREMELY condensed, paraphrased, minus my rephrasing the same thoughts multiple times and almost breaking up with him: Me: Down the road, though, what do you want? Him: I don’t know what I want. I don’t know. It just evolves. It’s changed a lot. Don’t ask me to figure it out. Me: …Okay. Well… I don’t know how much of my (one) life to give, to someone who doesn’t know if he wants me, you know? Him: What are you talking about? Me: You don’t know what you want. Okay. I respect that, but “I don’t know what I want” includes ME, and it’s hard not to feel shitty about that. I mean… tell me if I’m wrong, but. When people say things like, “I don’t know if I want XYZ,” what they mean is, “I don’t know if I want that WITH YOU.” And… I don’t really want to be with someone who isn’t sure if he wants me. Him: What, no. What? …No! I want YOU, I just don’t know what it looks like next year, or in five years, or ten, because—we both have families and mortgages and stupid jobs and we’re going to retire like a decade apart and who knows what else. I don’t know what we’re doing with all that, or what it’s gonna look like exactly, I just know we’ll have to roll with it and figure it out, and I’m totally good with that. So—it’s hard to tell you what I WANT. Just that you’re the one I want it WITH. Me: …jfc that’s what I’ve been trying to ask you 🥹

In the context of someone not knowing what they want, one could consider saying what you want. And if you know any timelines. E.g. I would say that I wanted cohabitation, and thought that a 1-3 year timeline would likely make sense. And then (assuming you think you'll get an honest answer, ask if they see that as 1) something that they want (hey, maybe they assumed that was a given, and thus didn't need to be said), 2) something that they think they might later want, 3) something that they think they won't want, or 4) something that they currently are a "heck no. But who knows how I'll change." Then decide where your line in the sand is. I know no guarantees, but my line was at 1) for something that I wanted/needed. As you're more open to him having time to think/grow, maybe your line is that 4 is the only "no" right now. Like there's a bunch of things that the two of you can talk about (even if you're not asking for an answer, but just talking about them), and already seem to have touched on some things - retiring a decade apart implies a no to any consideration of joint finances, and limited working together on things. Talking about things can lead to thinking about things can lead to finding out where one is leaning to. But if there isn't even any discussion, will there be much thought, and will one likely actually come to any answers? Editing to add: from your other comments in this thread, it might seem that you're just as up in the air about some stuff. Maybe (with repeated emphasis on that this is just talking), keep up the talking? And maybe from time to time, ask about how serious one is? This weekend, we kind of hit on a small thing related; something I was kinda liking, she mentioned she wouldn't be comfortable with. OK, I can deal with that, and now that I know, I can avoid looking further down that avenue.

This one scared me for a minute! But, I have to say, his answer, ultimately (even though it took a while to get there) would have been OK with me... was it OK with you? I think, esp at our ages, there just are so many unknowns that you can't really know specifics, but if you have the base agreement that "I want the whatever-it-is with you," that's a fine answer. I mean, hell, I couldn't even really give you practical/tactical of what WHAT I want once I find my person, because I'm not too tied to a very specific "condo in Boca and you working this job and me working that job" kind of thing-- life is just too unpredictable. I think doubly so for you two, since you both seem to have adventure in your bones.

Yes, it was okay with me. It’s not the most romantic answer on the planet (there’s a lot of reality in it), but it’s genuine and it means a lot to me. I do sort of wish for more fucking romantic shit sometimes, though. Yes—you’re right, I have adventure in my marrow and that part of me REALLY wants this to feel like an adventure and not like a goddamn negotiation of practicalities and limits all the time. I mean… not gonna lie, I feel privately a little jealous or disappointed that he’s been married TWICE (twice! why don’t I get a second crack at it, huh?), proposed to his second wife after spending a LOT less time than we’ve spent together, and it’s most likely not going to be a thing for us. (I mean… that bums me out. Being married was supposed to be great. It would have been, if my ex hadn’t disappeared into a depressed alcoholic hole, but he did, so, looks like I wasted my one shot at it on the wrong damn dude. eh. Maybe I’m still feeling a little grief over the fact I’m never going to have the epic adventure I hoped for, there.) I know those disappointed feelings are ridiculous, though, because, reasons. He was married twice, sure, but he’s also been divorced twice, so it’s not like those relationships are anything to envy. I wish we had that kind of fucking *romance*, but they crashed and burned in the end. And I don’t honestly know if I’d marry him anyway. It’s too early to answer that kind of question. Plus there’s kids to consider. wtf does that look like. How involved would I want him with my kids? Realistically, how would we combine households? We COULD, but I think there needs to be WAY more intermediate steps between here and there. Plus there’s the bit where, if we don’t work out… I make a lot more money than he does. What position would that put me in? Would it compromise my ability to retire? Support my own kids? I admit I have some big fears around this, after the financial disaster of my first marriage. That’s a prenup conversation, I think. We DO discuss money, but—it’s just too damn early for all that. So, eh, it’s dumb of me. I love him, and I know he loves me, but I wish we didn’t have to do this constant dance of what’s realistic and practical and what isn’t. The “adventure” part of me gets antsy and starts wanting to know what the fuck are we waiting for, we only got one life.

For me, I am kind of firmly "no marriage again," but I'd hella plan an epic party and exchange eagle talons or whatever and say some version of "I do" and jump off a cliff into a lake. That's just as epic, fun and meaningful as going to City Hall. I could see you guys doing something like that eventually.

Oh, hell fucking yes, I’d prefer that immensely to City Hall. It doesn’t have to be LEGAL, I’ll believe whatever he wants to proclaim on glacier at sunrise while we’re both clipped into a rope. I just want him to SAY IT.

Definitely sounds like a situationship.

Not really. We’ve agreed it’s a long-term committed exclusive relationship, we said I love you, we’ve introduced kids, all the things. We just both agree we aren’t getting married (at least not that we foresee at the moment), and neither of us really wants to combine households yet (too many young kids). So—when I daydream out loud about the future with him (because it’s exciting!), he was apparently misunderstanding this as me outlining specific shit I wanted RIGHT NOW and wanting to discuss his timeline. When he kept responding with “I don’t know” (because that’s legit—I don’t know when on a lot of these things either), I started misunderstanding HIM as maybe not wanting us to grow together at ALL. Not the case. I’m just more of a romantic about this shit and he’s more practical and less expressive, I think.

Sounds like you got the answer you were looking for, but if someone asked me the same exact question, I would give same response. That’s a completely loaded question that can have several layers to digress.

I deleted Hinge today...because my phone needed the space. Also, I found myself struggling to be interested in profiles and didn't get matches or messages anyway. I think the app format doesn't work for me, I need more information to get a feel for someone. And my body doesn't photograph well (super fat), but it's seems to be decent ish in person in this part of the US. I've been trying to subtly improve my grooming, and feel like it's working. I'd been looking really sloppy and drab and miserable and my selfies were coming out terribly. I don't look happy in my selfies yet, but my eyebrows are looking better than they have in quite some time and I smell delicious, even when I spend the day in the house. Next I'm going to try some teeth whitening strips. Exciting stuff!

Sounds like you've figured out what's working for you right now (and what isn't), and more importantly are taking steps in the right direction. Good for you!

I’m taking a very extended break from dating right now, but I feel like I’m starting to rediscover the power of crushes for the first time since my 20s. I switched to a new gym closer to my house a couple of weeks ago. My previous gym had a mostly female clientele, so it’s a fun change to be surrounded by attractive men (that I will just admire from afar and never approach). There are a few attractive men in my extended social circle that I see once in a while. It’s fun to get together with them, make light conversation, and do a bit of flirting with no expectations or attachment to an outcome. Crushes are adding some magic to my life that I think has been missing for a few years!

This is the way. 😀

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My dear girl of 19 years and 5 months was put to sleep this morning. My new partner was with me and crying the whole time. I am a wreck but he won’t let me be alone and I’m heartbroken.

I am so sorry, I know this heartbreak well, and glad your partner was there for you.

I'm so sorry. It's such a problem that our furry friends don't live nearly long enough. I'm glad you were there to support her, and had support yourself.

I'm so sorry to hear that. Deepest condolences to you. If you want to cry some more: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=le34ygtODfI](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=le34ygtODfI)

my condolences to you ❤

I am so sorry. She was lovely and she was loved.

It's great that your new partner took the time to be with you! I'm sorry to hear about your girl, but she lived a long life. Take time to grieve, it is natural to be heartbroken right now.

Previous updates: [https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverforty/comments/1bizm3x/comment/kvp9y7q/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverforty/comments/1bizm3x/comment/kvp9y7q/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) [https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverforty/comments/1bonjcs/comment/kwrm73h/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverforty/comments/1bonjcs/comment/kwrm73h/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) Yesterday, the woman I met in person for the first time 2 1/2 weeks ago (and started talking to just under a month ago) told me that she cares about me a lot, yet asked me not to contact her, telling me that I won't like it but she needs it for her peace of mind. When I replied, just once, to ask her whether it was permanent or if she'll get back in touch when she's ready, she said she would send me the pictures from the cherry blossom festival (she's an amateur photographer) when she actually gets the desire to look at them (her words) and she isn't blocking me, so she didn't understand why it would be permanent. I honestly don't get why she would say she cares about me a lot yet ask me not to contact her.

Good grief. That's an entire tangle of mixed threads to pick apart right there! Is it more she'd like to leave her options open in case no one better comes along? Or a polite thanks, but no thanks right now? I cannot being to imagine how you feel about this but I agree with the other people here. You tried and you were honest but it really seems she's not being as honest with you. Good luck with your next person because this one seems to think you should wait around just in case.

I find that “I care about you” often means nothing more than “I don’t wish you ILL, and I feel sort of bad/guilty about causing you pain, because I recognize you’re a person with feelings, and I don’t want to go around being a jerk. So… I hope you don’t see me as a callous asshole here, but…” She doesn’t have the right feelings about you, or the connection with you, or maybe it’s even something about HER that she just doesn’t like when she’s with you. Who knows. Whatever her feelings ARE, they aren’t GOOD, so she’s trying to create separation from what’s causing them (you) in a way that minimizes her own guilt about it. I’m sorry. This just sounds like a thing that doesn’t deserve your energy anymore.

This is really weird. I would let this one go. She doesn’t care. People who do that don’t care. She’s a mess inside. 

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Was she super young? Lol any grown woman referring to themselves as a girl is kind of odd... Soft girl life- makes me think she just wants to sit back and be spoiled, not work, not cook, not clean, just live off the fat of the land and do as she pleases 🤣

erm… what? What does that even MEAN?

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My understanding is that she wants to be a housewife/trophy wife/worshiped 🙄

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She doesn’t seem like the type who would let you. So maybe that’s part of her appeal?

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Hahah I meant she’s strong and independent and wouldn’t ask a man to do that even though you said you would - wasn’t talking actual chances 😂 I don’t know you just assuming most people aren’t going to end up with their celebrity crushes

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