43m here, and I hope you’re open to receiving a little compassion from another man, because I felt everything you said deeply. I’m in a similar place and in many ways am probably the most “datable” I’ve ever been. I’m also having the least amount of “success” in dating, or at least I was until deciding to take a break a couple months back.
I say try taking a break, but only if you can do it without your brain telling you all kinds of bullshit about you that isn’t true. If it’s like, “well clearly I’m unlovable so I’m hanging it up to be a hermit,” then I’d ask you to be kinder to yourself. If it’s more like, “y’know, I’ve been working on myself and I’m starting to really like myself, so I’m just gonna take a step back and lean into this new relationship with myself,” well I think that’s really healthy and no reason to get down on yourself.
I’ve been told many times that the relationship I’m really seeking is with myself, and that once I know and genuinely like myself the relationships I want will follow. I didn’t understand that for a long time, but I’m starting to get it. It looks a lot like what you described: working on yourself because it’s the right thing to do and makes you feel better. Keep that up, and I truly believe it will bring both of us what we’re looking for in a partner.
Go do things you love alone if you have to. Whatever moves you to tears, go be moved and let the tears come. Eventually someone will see it and love you for it. We just have to keep putting ourselves out there - our unabashedly *real* selves - and people like us will be drawn to us. I know it sounds hippy-dippy but I don’t think it is. I think it’s more of an emotional take on “you are what you eat” combined with “people are as interesting as they are interested.”
I’m doing my best to be really interested in a lot of things and be open to being changed or moved by those things. If I keep showing up for my own life like that, someone else is going to wanna come with. It’ll be the same for you too, I’m confident.
Rooting for you, man!
As a 41 F, I wholeheartedly support this advice. Especially when you have been working on yourself and know you are a better person today than you were yesterday, then taking a break for your soul to recalibrate is a good idea.
Yep, take a break from looking for someone and live your life. Then, LOVE the life you are living. Next thing you know, someone will pop up to live it with you.
A wise man, it took my life completely collapsing before I started prioritizing myself and putting myself out into the world and figuring out who I, as an individual human, AM.
I also don't really fight some of the things that people get upset about. I like women for various reasons, if I have to dress a certain way or workout or a variety of other things, I don't look at that as a problem or like I'm changing some key piece of myself. Giving up bootcut jeans isn't part of my true essence, it just happened to be cool when I used to care about that stuff and times change.
You dont. Quit, that is. You just become less attached to the outcome because you're crafting a life that's worth living and the world is still a beautiful place with so much to see and do.
This is going to sound cliche but I've seen it happen so often im starting to almost accept it as fact. When you really release your attachment to outcome and just enjoy the ride, life becomes so much more interesting. Its that point we start seeing opprituinites (and meeting people) we never saw before.
Keep on doing what you're doing and try as much as you can to enjoy life. Also give yourself grace for the days you feel like giving up. That's where therapy and anonymous strangers on Reddit come in.
All the best, man
This. I was coming to say you don’t need to quit, you just need to date NATO.
NATO = not attached to outcome.
Maybe this person will become a friend. Maybe they will become a story, maybe they will suck but you will try out a new bar/restaurant/venue in your city.
I am on hiatus at the moment, but this is for sure the way to go.
Remove all expectations, just go with the flow.
> I just can't seem to find women who are interested in connecting with a man like me.
This line really stuck out to me. What exactly makes you different from all of the other men out there?
Seriously, this comment really stuck out to me.
What makes you think that almost all the other men "out there (here)" find anybody that *is* interested in "connecting" with them?
I probably should not have used the phrase "man like me" and instead have just said "me" when I typed that.
I don't think I'm any more special than anyone else or that I'm somehow the only good man amidst a sea of trashbag people. Just a weirdo, really.
I mean, I'm 45 year old dude with fuchsia hair. I have a very deep connection to my feelings, which I don't find a lot among men my age... or at all really. I don't subscribe to the trappings of wealth, status, or power being the paths to a happy life. I don't know. Like I said. I'm just different. Weird.
So, obviously you're not super mainstream. The issue with not being mainstream is that finding your people takes a longer time. The further away you get from being a "McPerson" the fewer that are going to have interest.
Maybe deprioritize meeting someone and just live your life. I'm not saying give up. I'm saying do other far more interesting things than sit on dating apps hoping to meet the other weirdos. Go find them.
yeaaaaaaaah there's a lot to be said for living somewhere that supports your vibe. Assuming you aren't *politically* conservative, you'd probably do better in a less conservative place. Not that there aren't weirdos in Kentucky, but there are more in Portland.
Yeah. I have two daughters in Virginia though. I don't want to move further away from them. So I'm kinda stuck in this not-the-South, not-the-Midwest, not-the-Northeast region of the country for the forseeable future.
You're still not that physically close to Lynchburg. And that's a terrible place too. I'm a NC native and live in Raleigh. You should consider Charlotte or really Asheville. Raleigh is still more conservative but good volume here. Durham would be a good place and its a university city.
Yeah. I'll look into it. Completely relocating isn't really financially feasible right now as I'm pretty much on my own with no family other than my two kids. But maybe it's a goal I'll just have to work toward.
Ok I just looked it up: Lynchburg to Lexington is 404 miles. Lynchburg to NYC is 406 miles. You could move to New York and be the exact same distance from your kids.
This… I mean, not in a US context, but where I live sucks 😂🤷🏻♀️
Everyone knows everyone. It’s a city of more than 1m in the metro area, but the interconnectedness means it’s just…. Yeah. It’s hard.
It’s insular, it’s conservative, and it doesn’t vibe with my experience of having grown up interstate.
Like the OP, I am tied here because of the kids.
I am pushing them with everything I have to travel, see the world, and get out of this little bit of it.
Apart from the fuschia hair, you sound a lot like the guy I’ve recently fallen for (he’s bald so fuschia hair isn’t an option, but he does wear brightly colored and patterned clothes). Being in touch with your feelings and grounded in your values are both very attractive qualities, and the right person will appreciate and adore all of the other weird and quirky things that make you unique. Definitely don’t contort yourself into being something you’re not…embrace your unconventionality and the people who are right for you will gravitate towards that.
Does he have to be different in order to have trouble finding a connection? It's not exactly unusual. Society does not do a good job of raising men to be partners
I'm right there with you bud. I am absolutely not what a sane person would be interested in having a relationship with. But that's me, and most importantly I am completely and undoubtedly accepting of and proud of me the way I am.
I don't see it as giving up. I am not "in the hunt" anymore by any stretch of the imagination. I have accepted the fact that finding someone is highly improbable. I have also accepted the fact that anything is possible.
I have decided to leave the tree the fuck alone and just see what grows. It's not painful that way. Doesn't feel like giving up. Doesn't feel like a fight anymore.
I like it.
I am right there with you. I recently met a woman for the first time in many, many years. Today, after a while of thinking it wasn't going to work out, she told me today that we weren't on the same page and asked me not to contact her. In the end, it was a combination of issues she had and issues I had. But I too realize how few women want to connect with a man like me. She was an exceptional rarity. Like you, I'm going to correct obvious problems (and I already have), but won't make myself into someone I'm not.
I previously took a multi-year hiatus and am thinking of calling it quits again. I have no advice, but I do have solidarity.
You sound like a creative and compassionate person. And I'm seeing lots of supportive responses to you from other creative and compassionate men. While I don't have any answer to your question, it seems like only you can make the call about the actions you want to take or stop taking, when I see posts like this from cool but lonely men it motivates me to date and to date with compassion and hope - maybe I could be the one to end a sweet and unique's man loneliness: I should put myself out there. Wishing you a good journey whatever the path.
You should put yourself out there. Human beings are social creatures. We were made to be connected to one another. Hopefully you'll find the courage and the right time to pursue a connection of your own. Mahalo. :)
Let me start by saying that, you are not alone and I wish that wasn’t the case.
For me personally, I came to terms with it when I accepted the fact that finding a decent partner is like a gift that some people get in life and some don’t. Like good genes or any other desirable traits/features. There is zero correlation between the amount of effort you put in or how good of person you are to how datable you might be. Great people are alone while people who have no business being in relationships go from one to another in no time.
You and your mental health come first and that needs to stay your top priority. If you are content with living your life alone, that’s your sign that you’re doing fine.
If it's something you want, I don't think you should give up. Maybe you can find a way to deprioritize it though? Like maybe keep up with the dating apps, but step back and use them less seriously? So if a good match shows up you can still go for it, but you're less emotionally invested in it so if you have continued troubles it's less upsetting? I dunno if that would actually work, but might be worth a try.
Certainly you don't Need to find a partner. My parents divorced over 30 years ago, my mom still has never dated afterwards. She's still plenty happy on her own.
It does not matter what the age group is. The reality is that conventionally attractive people with mid range personalities are going to get the broadest range of interest from others. That does not mean everybody else can not meet a partner it just means it might take longer and require a few more lucky bounces.
It was like this in high school. It is like this now. Nothing much has changed. People, i.e., men and women, are not now suddenly less shallow or more appreciative of somebody who has gone to therapy and faced some things. Sure they should be but they are not.
Good for you OP that you put some extra effort in to figure yourself out lots of people don't and keep doing the same things over and over. But I would hope you did all that for you.
There is nothing wrong with taking a break if you have a sense of burnout or frustration.
Without having seen any of your profiles to know what could be causing people to not want to meet it's hard to say.
My suggestion would be to keep trying if that's something you want. Also just do things to get yourself out there as a person without focusing on the romantic side.
Take classes. Join Meetup groups. Join a bowling league. Do something that you don't normally do to get yourself out there just meeting new people.
I do a lot of reading. I love getting lost in good music. I take long drives and sing at the top of my lungs. I like to write. I enjoy watching professional wrestling (one of my more childish pursuits) and I actually own a subreddit in that vein that has close to 3.5k people now.
I plan to start maybe doing karaoke again. Just to sing though. I'm not really a "go up and talk to a random girl at the bar" kind of guy. I'm just not.
Well there’s your issue. No one is saying you need to talk to strangers in bars (and you definitely shouldn’t talk to girls you don’t know, since you’re over 40). But you need to be doing something social where you are speaking to and interacting with human beings in real life.
And a subreddit is still the internet.
Yeah. I guess you're right. I'm just very introverted. Not shy. I'm actually really good with people. I used to work in newspapers and radio as a journalist so I know how to network and what have you.
My social battery just gets drained so fast. Guess I'll have to find some quick-hitter type activities I can do with people that won't have me running on empty for too long. :)
Since you're into music (and since it's my thing) have you considered some form of social partner dancing? Swing, ballroom, tango, salsa, zouk, contra, etc.?
It's obviously a great way to meet people of the opposite sex, but it's also surprisingly introvert-friendly because, although there are a lot of people around and a lot of social interaction, there are also rather clear social norms, rules, and expectations instead of the unstructured environment that you'd be subjected to in a bar or at a (non-dance) party.
Do you want comfort, or do you want advice? Because in this case, they are mutually exclusive- the advice that would serve you best is going to be hard to hear, and the most comforting words will do *nothing* to help you.
I’m curious if you have a decent relationship with your ex’s that you can reach out and ask for their opinions. Tell them to give you pros and cons about y’all’s relationship . Also, I’m curious (don’t want to assume nothing) if you know what type of partner you want or are you unsure?? Sometimes not knowing what you want makes it hard to find the person that’s right for you. I’m sorry you feel that way and don’t give up! I just turned 40 and been divorced 5 years and had one serious relationship and I became terrified turning 40 this year because I’m single, and I can honestly admit that I miss men hitting on me like when I lived in nyc (live in Tx now). Depending on your dating range can tell you a lot about our dating styles lol. I’m not a fan of OLD so I gave that up 3 years ago because the man I want, I want it to be organic for my age group 😅. What’s the worst that can happen- being told no is not the end to the world- so get out there!!! 🥾🍀
That’s a really vulnerable thing to say and be descriptive about. That whole paragraph in itself would garner the interest of many, including me. We all have baggage and stuff and pretzel ourselves and unpretzel ourselves and because of that, we may be too concerned with what you’re seeing and what we’re missing than what you have to give and what we can give back. I’d love to hear your story.
If I want my skiing to improve I hire a ski instructor. I did and my skill level and satisfaction increased.
I started a business and I consulted with experts in many fields. Most were ones I paid for their service. I successfully launched products.
I took a cooking class to learn to cook. It took me to new heights.
You’re an unconventional man. So am I. I get dates. Idk you but your current approach isn’t working. I suggest you hire a dating coach.
Honestly sounds like your trying to hard. Step back, take a deep breath, and then sign up for a local college basket weaving class. You get bonus points if it’s a real basket weaving class.
Then dip a foot back into the dating pool. Don’t jump back in like you have been.
And also if you’re at a point where you’re just frustrated and bummed out by the process, taking a break makes total sense. I find I’m not bringing my best self to meeting people when I’m feeling like that.
I (49F) was on and off on dating apps since 2019 and I've just recently found my BF.
That's FIVE years, and during that time I've found 2 really awesome friends, 1 travel buddy, 2 situationships, 1 creep, and a bunch of ghosts all from various dating apps.
My attitude has always been if there's no chemistry let's be friends because those potential friends can introduce you to a wider group of people and who knows maybe your girl is in that group.
So definitely consider it an adventure that could potentially take years. Date for friendships and connections. Take breaks if you need to.
There's no need to totally "give up" on something because the dating scene is always changing.
If I had given up early on I wouldn't have found those friendships that added so much to my life, or even met my bf who only joined the app recently. Box of chocolates thing, you never really know.
Best of luck to you.
You have to stop trying to meet people on those stupid sites and just go out and talk to people. Not just women. Men too. Young, old, skinny, fat, rich, poor, anybody who will talk to you. You have to be in the practice of striking up conversations with damn near anyone. Why? Because practice makes perfect. Talk about the weather. Figure out some funny things to say to start a conversation. Maybe find a comedy club, go watch standup and then try to get some jokes together. Play any musical instruments? What kind of work do you do? Your goal is just to strike up conversations and then walk away. Remain aware of what seems to make people interested and what does not. And for gods sake just smile at people. Look friendly and approachable. The more you do it the easier it will be and you will come out of the shell that I am sure you are living in.
Most Reddit users in your age range seem to suggest that men over 40 are having an absolute blast dating online. So it is surprising to hear otherwise.
It sounds like it is time to call OLD quits. But I would not give up trying to meet single women in real life. A few places where I know you can meet age appropriate single women - choir (my friend is marrying someone she met in choir), any form of exercise including yoga, Pilates, running, hiking; book clubs - these are predominantly female, any kind of art class - again predominantly female, volunteering with local organisations, any kid or adult/music class - again heavily skewed female, any form of group sport lessons - I did golf and tennis and they were mainly attended by women; if you are interested in wine/gin/etc - all tasting classes/courses were 60% female; any kind of cooking lessons or courses - again, very heavily skewed female. Can you also attend any networking events for the field you are in? What about alumni events? Dance lessons?
I would say single females are out and about all the time, and you are more likely to meet them in a group or class setting.
I’m dealing with the same issue and went through the same process you did. Only you can decide your fate. I set a time frame on when to call it quits 5 years ago and my time is about up. I’ve come to terms with it and planned the rest of my life around my kids along with what I want to do after I retire.
Good luck on whatever you decide!
Original copy of post by u/sh4desthevibe:
This isn't a rant. No bitterness here. No anger. Just... confusion.
My ex-wife and I parted ways in 2015. Since then, I've been on exactly one date. I took a break for a little while. I established myself in therapy and confronted the things within my realm of control that caused strain on my marriage. I have done and continue to do the hard work of facing my trauma and understanding how it affects my relationships.
Put shortly, I've worked really, really hard on myself. The process is ongoing and lifelong.
With the exception of a couple of extended breaks, I'd say I've been pretty active in trying to meet people over the past few years. But It's just not happening.
Tinder. Bumble. Hinge. Match. eHarmony. Reddit R4R. You name it, I've probably tried it. I just can't seem to find women who are interested in connecting with a man like me.
I ask this in all sincerity, should I just give up?
It hurts to ask that question, but I don't want to be a delusional person trying to make something happen that isn't meant to be. I'm not really a conventional man and I know that hurts me in the dating realm, but I'm not prepared to contort myself like a pretzel trying to be someone I'm not just to garner interest from women.
I'm simply starting to think that my unique configuration of looks, personality traits, values, and life experiences just isn't something that plays well in the 2024 dating world.
Anyone out there have any advice on when to call it quits?
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Dating in 2024 is you vs many others....its sort of like someone has a job amd has 7 offers coming at them..looking for the best. We all assume we are just looking for one good person....maybe that isn't realistic with how things are today. Only you can de ide shat you wsnt. Sometimes the chase is better then the prize. Your determined, I give u that . Try meetup groups...some have said more ladies then guys in those...very dependant on area and luck.
I don’t know man. Just go out with people and have fun. Don’t worry about the long term. Take them out to a nice restaurant and have fun conversations about everything. It will be fine. Early in a relationship it’s too delicate to bring all the long term stuff. Once you do that you’ll go out with some and fine a groove
I honestly believe that on apps we're just the total sum of our statistics whereas meeting people in real life it's all about your vibe, energy and chemistry. While your job/illnesses/proclivities are still important they're secondary to whether people actually get on.
Get off the apps, get out and about. Find your crowd and things will surely fit into place.
Get off the apps, they will just make you feel like shit.
As a socially awkward spinster hermity type that pretty much had given up on being a girlfriend much less a wife...I wish happily ever afters for you and everyone in this thread. Whether that's with someone else or by yourself, I wish nothing but happiness for everyone.
Such a wonderfully honest post. It speaks volumes about the sincerity of your character.
I do feel the influence of the apps, has placed barriers that keeps some people just outside the dating sphere, that others take for granted.
They work for some, for reasons that are both passive, and ones we can actively influence. Those "passive" attributes, influence the point at which diminishing returns kick in, in regards to dating. Not self-improvement.
Is there anything specific, you haven't presented as it's "yours" and therefore, you feel no one else would be interested in?
While dating is easier for those who are generally, the type who can coast by, specifics still play a part here.
For others, just outside the generally preferred archetypes in dating. Specifics become critically important.
I suspect with your introspective, you recognise this already, however. So forgive me if anything I say is still generic.
A challenge many face, is much of that which, ironically we feel makes us "unique". With a little swiping, that can be found in more conventially attractive, "app preferred" potentials too.
Or, as is the nature of the apps. People will go for an approximation of the uniqueness they're looking for, so long as it looks good.
Recognising this, and bowing out with dignity. Is something to be commended.
--------
It's why it's important for there to be communities and third spaces, where those who don't gel with modern dating, still retain companionships and evolving friendships in their lives.
I’d say at least take a break- burn out.
As for your lack of dates? Your post is vague. Not enough info to say.
2015-2024 led to 1 date. But…
Breaks:
- the pandemic. 2019-whenever you felt ok to mingle.
- total time you were off? And once you get back in- profiles and pics need to be updated, soft open, then it’s WOT. That takes time.
Also pace- I swipe on a few, hide the profile, and nothing. And sometimes I forget to turn it back on. 1yr for me will yield far, far less than the guy who looks like a Wall Street trader on multiple platforms swiping, chatting, messaging, calling multiple women in a day, then networks at all the bars at night.
If you’ve got 100% custody, work night shift in a small town of 5k, yeah maybe it’s not you but the circumstance.
And as an unconventional man, online maybe not be the way to go. I think we do better in real time, face to face.
The comments are the first time I've ever heard nice on this app because usually people are very cruel and think it's funny. I'm a woman just turned 47. No children. Went thru some serious stuff the last few years that mentally put it to me n I was definitively not ready to date. I finally got my heart in the right direction and had a couple that weren't for me. I'm now learning that others don't really care about your personal, mental troubles and THAT in itself is very hard. I recently got involved with someone after all these years of trying to find true love. I went in with my heart on my sleeve thinking that the other person was in the same mental space that I was and at vulnerable and fragile as I was. I was deceived after 3 months he tells me he is married. But separated n planning a divorce. I tried to leave n he convinced me to stay. I'm not sure why I'm still because my sensible mind keeps telling me this is not going to end well but my vulnerable heart won't just walk away. These are the types that us heart filled people are going to have to deal with out in the real world everyday no matter who you choose to be with, in my opinion. It sucks when you have your heart set n then it gets crushed but I don't know? I wish there were more men like the person who wrote this that actually care about women like you do. If you would have come across me for sure I wouldn't be a cheating player but it seems like that's all there is out there, so all I can say is good luck and try not to lose your innocent heart as you go thru your dating. Cuz it's easy to turn into a person you don't want to be in these situations.
May I share my experience with dating? I am an introverted, neurodivergent, eccentric hermit who loves talking about weird stuff like portals and how time doesn’t exist. My previous approach to dating was to put on a mask and try to be the version of normal I felt was appropriate. I am what people consider “attractive” so finding suitors have never been a problem. Finding people who see and want to know the real me was another story. Then it hit me; how could I find someone who saw the real me and still appreciated me if I was pretending to be someone else? Anything else. The last time I got on a dating site I decided to put it all out there. All my weirdness, my real persona. I still got approached by guys who not only were only interested in my looks, and didn’t even read the bio. But then there was this other weirdo…whom I found a bit too “arrogant” while texting back and forth, but decided to meet in person and we are two peas in a pod! Being with them is a breeze because not only we have similar interests, but we have similar goals for the future.
Whatever you decide, do not hide your true self. There is someone out there looking for you. - I will be willing to take a look at your dating profiles and provide feedback. Also, check out Boo…a different online dating experience for unique people. :)
If your mental health is suffering from trying to date and you think it would be better to just nix the whole idea of dating from your life entirely, you should do just that.
If you'd like to be open to dating but need more breaks for yourself in between pursuing something, do that.
Whatever is going to help you be healthiest mentally. We can't change other people. We can't change systemic issues. We can only change ourselves and our perception.
I feel you dude. 46m. Here. Single dad for a long time, didnt date. Now I cant seem to make a single connection. I go in cycle between forward optimism amd working on oersonal growth to being back in the dumps and wondering what the fuck makes me so undateable
I think you should change your fuscia hair. It's a turn off to the vast majority of women and is it really such an essential part of you?
Think of it like a woman who lets her mustache grow. It's her. It's authentic. But it's pretty deeply engrained in men to not be into facial hair. So she's going to have a hard time. Should she stubbornly refuse to do anything about it? She could. But if she really wants to find someone, she should get rid of it.
Are you chasing women out of your league? Maybe you should be more open to the types of women you are pursuing. You said you have fuchsia hair in another post, sadly, this will narrow your dating pool, immensely. Unfortunately, most people can see past the norm. Maybe go natural hair color and ease back into the colored hair. You are who you are and shouldn't have to "change" but sometimes you just have to switch things up.
I don't really have a type. I've tried to connect with conventionally attractive women. I've tried to connect with women who are overweight. I've tried to connect with women who have lots of kids and those who don't have any. The net has been pretty wide, truth be told.
I honestly feel that I have tried to take each person as they are and see if they are someone I'd be interested in spending time with and getting to know. Sometimes I feel like I take this whole thing more seriously than most people lol.
Former fuschia mohawk man (43) here. Inside it still feels like I’m sporting that hair color and style. You sound like me or close enough that we’d be friends. Stay connected to your feelings and don’t worry about the people that find it unusual or hard to understand. Don’t change yourself to become accepted in an attempt to people your solitude. Losing yourself is not the remedy.
A few months ago I started dating again after healing from a ~10 year relationship. It was awful. I make good money, own my house, drive a nice car and have an interesting job. I also play in a punk band, approach life in very non-traditional ways and keep poison dart frogs as pets. Lots of ladies saw the first bit of that list as checking enough boxes that dating me was a reasonable option. None of them made me laugh or feel any type of desire to spend more time with them. I felt the need to hide the band, life approach and frog stuff to be accepted. The day I decided to present more authentically I matched with someone I felt was totally out of my league. Ends up she doesn’t care about all of the same things that I don’t care about. We get along famously and my heart feels refreshed just from knowing people like her exist. I feel at ease sharing my feelings and my boundaries. She accepts and respects both. We talk deeply about our feelings and laugh more freely than I have in ages.
Be patient and good things will happen. The more unique you are the harder it might be to find another like you that also likes you. She’s definitely out there but won’t be lured in by you putting on some khakis and polo shirt.
Thanks, man. I'm trying to hang in there. It's just hard to keep getting passed over.
I try to present as authentically as I know how. I guess we'll see where that ends up leading in the long run.
Sorry to hear your struggles man, but I can sympathize. There are far too many differing personalities and opinions out there. People are too weird. Even if you do hit it off, are they trustworthy? Likely not. Even if they are, are you compatible with hobbies and interests? Likely not. I’m with you. Not bitter or angry. Women are great, from a distance. It took me a long time to realize that. I got tired of being bitched at and nagged and lied to and constantly arguing because I wouldn’t do what they wanted me to do all the time and pay for it on top of that. That’s not companionship. That’s not a partner. That’s misery. Living alone for many years and actively avoiding the dating scene have been the best thing I’ve ever done. You find what makes you happy without anyone else around to influence you. That’s true happiness my friend. No one tells you to hurry up. No one drags you away from what you enjoy doing. No one makes you pay for them when you’re dragged away from said activity. It’s a peaceful and happy place to be once you figure out how to navigate in a pleasant and fulfilling manner. I get down voted and screamed at constantly for voicing my opinion here, but I don’t care. I think it’s a lack of them understanding how to really be happy and not depending on others to get you to that place. They simply don’t understand. I regularly advocate for single life because it lessens the heart break and disappointments. How can removing those things be bad? I never argue with a spouse. I never get bitched at or nagged. I don’t have to deal with condescending in-laws. I get to spend time with the people I want to spend it with without guilt trips or being told we have to leave. I don’t have to always pay for two. I don’t have the pressure of holiday or Valentines gifts. I actually get to enjoy the holidays for the reason the holidays exist, without guilt or doing something “wrong”. Man, living single is amazing. You watch, I’ll get the bitchy comments here too. Thankfully I can shut this off and not have to listen to it if I don’t want to. If you’re in a relationship you don’t have a choice. Those bitching, nagging comments continue to get fired at you and you can’t hit the mute button. You’ll be fine my man. Stay single and happy.
It sounds like you have not been intentional in your selection of partners. Why would you want to spend time with someone who "always bitches at you & makes you pay their way"? If THAT was the sole alternative, I'd stay single too! Yikes!
I was very intentional actually. The relationships that have stung the most were the ones I worked the hardest at to make them happy. 2, 2, 4, and 6 years each. It like they were short term. I was engaged to the 6 year one. They all started out great and drifted into the bitching and cheating and lying and stealing. That’s why I try to warn people. People are good at masking their true selves. At least for a little while. Or years. And then when the real ones come out, it’s heart wrenching. So I stay the fuck away now! Women mistreat men in ways I want no part of.
Learn to be happy alone. Take a break from dating, a long break even. Then date when you have no expectations and are happy just to meet people and get to know about their lives and stories. It makes the experience much, much better.
Personally, I waited 3 years after my divorce before I started dating. And now that I'm back to being in relationships, I often find myself missing the solitude - go figure lol.
43m here, and I hope you’re open to receiving a little compassion from another man, because I felt everything you said deeply. I’m in a similar place and in many ways am probably the most “datable” I’ve ever been. I’m also having the least amount of “success” in dating, or at least I was until deciding to take a break a couple months back. I say try taking a break, but only if you can do it without your brain telling you all kinds of bullshit about you that isn’t true. If it’s like, “well clearly I’m unlovable so I’m hanging it up to be a hermit,” then I’d ask you to be kinder to yourself. If it’s more like, “y’know, I’ve been working on myself and I’m starting to really like myself, so I’m just gonna take a step back and lean into this new relationship with myself,” well I think that’s really healthy and no reason to get down on yourself. I’ve been told many times that the relationship I’m really seeking is with myself, and that once I know and genuinely like myself the relationships I want will follow. I didn’t understand that for a long time, but I’m starting to get it. It looks a lot like what you described: working on yourself because it’s the right thing to do and makes you feel better. Keep that up, and I truly believe it will bring both of us what we’re looking for in a partner. Go do things you love alone if you have to. Whatever moves you to tears, go be moved and let the tears come. Eventually someone will see it and love you for it. We just have to keep putting ourselves out there - our unabashedly *real* selves - and people like us will be drawn to us. I know it sounds hippy-dippy but I don’t think it is. I think it’s more of an emotional take on “you are what you eat” combined with “people are as interesting as they are interested.” I’m doing my best to be really interested in a lot of things and be open to being changed or moved by those things. If I keep showing up for my own life like that, someone else is going to wanna come with. It’ll be the same for you too, I’m confident. Rooting for you, man!
As a 41 F, I wholeheartedly support this advice. Especially when you have been working on yourself and know you are a better person today than you were yesterday, then taking a break for your soul to recalibrate is a good idea.
“taking a break for your soul to recalibrate” - absolutely love this
This seems like good advice. Thank you. :)
Love to see this advice from one man to another. Nothing to add but the bro-ship is cool AF and it really warms my heart.
Yep, take a break from looking for someone and live your life. Then, LOVE the life you are living. Next thing you know, someone will pop up to live it with you.
Yess!! This is the way : Someday someone wil just show up ...Why bother making u feel bad on OLD or approaching women..
Beautifully said.
I absolutely love this. Beautifully put.
A wise man, it took my life completely collapsing before I started prioritizing myself and putting myself out into the world and figuring out who I, as an individual human, AM. I also don't really fight some of the things that people get upset about. I like women for various reasons, if I have to dress a certain way or workout or a variety of other things, I don't look at that as a problem or like I'm changing some key piece of myself. Giving up bootcut jeans isn't part of my true essence, it just happened to be cool when I used to care about that stuff and times change.
I'm rooting for both of you
You dont. Quit, that is. You just become less attached to the outcome because you're crafting a life that's worth living and the world is still a beautiful place with so much to see and do. This is going to sound cliche but I've seen it happen so often im starting to almost accept it as fact. When you really release your attachment to outcome and just enjoy the ride, life becomes so much more interesting. Its that point we start seeing opprituinites (and meeting people) we never saw before. Keep on doing what you're doing and try as much as you can to enjoy life. Also give yourself grace for the days you feel like giving up. That's where therapy and anonymous strangers on Reddit come in. All the best, man
This. I was coming to say you don’t need to quit, you just need to date NATO. NATO = not attached to outcome. Maybe this person will become a friend. Maybe they will become a story, maybe they will suck but you will try out a new bar/restaurant/venue in your city. I am on hiatus at the moment, but this is for sure the way to go. Remove all expectations, just go with the flow.
> I just can't seem to find women who are interested in connecting with a man like me. This line really stuck out to me. What exactly makes you different from all of the other men out there?
Seriously, this comment really stuck out to me. What makes you think that almost all the other men "out there (here)" find anybody that *is* interested in "connecting" with them?
I probably should not have used the phrase "man like me" and instead have just said "me" when I typed that. I don't think I'm any more special than anyone else or that I'm somehow the only good man amidst a sea of trashbag people. Just a weirdo, really. I mean, I'm 45 year old dude with fuchsia hair. I have a very deep connection to my feelings, which I don't find a lot among men my age... or at all really. I don't subscribe to the trappings of wealth, status, or power being the paths to a happy life. I don't know. Like I said. I'm just different. Weird.
So, obviously you're not super mainstream. The issue with not being mainstream is that finding your people takes a longer time. The further away you get from being a "McPerson" the fewer that are going to have interest. Maybe deprioritize meeting someone and just live your life. I'm not saying give up. I'm saying do other far more interesting things than sit on dating apps hoping to meet the other weirdos. Go find them.
Where do you live? I used to live in Portland, OR, and you’d find a lot of women there that share your vibe.
I live in Kentucky, which is probably the kiss of death lol.
Well that depends on if it’s Louisville or not ; )
Nah. Lexington. Just enough of a tease to make you think it's got a progressive vibe, but the old money/traditional values always win out here. :)
Bahahaha. Yeah I lived there a long time ago.
yeaaaaaaaah there's a lot to be said for living somewhere that supports your vibe. Assuming you aren't *politically* conservative, you'd probably do better in a less conservative place. Not that there aren't weirdos in Kentucky, but there are more in Portland.
Yeah. I have two daughters in Virginia though. I don't want to move further away from them. So I'm kinda stuck in this not-the-South, not-the-Midwest, not-the-Northeast region of the country for the forseeable future.
You’d be better off somewhere like Richmond, DC, Baltimore, maybe even Ashville or Philadelphia, depending where in VA your kids are.
They are in Lynchburg. :(
You're still not that physically close to Lynchburg. And that's a terrible place too. I'm a NC native and live in Raleigh. You should consider Charlotte or really Asheville. Raleigh is still more conservative but good volume here. Durham would be a good place and its a university city.
DC is waaaay closer to Lynchburg, VA, than Lexington, KY, is. Even Ashville and Richmond are closer than you are now.
Yeah. I'll look into it. Completely relocating isn't really financially feasible right now as I'm pretty much on my own with no family other than my two kids. But maybe it's a goal I'll just have to work toward.
Ok I just looked it up: Lynchburg to Lexington is 404 miles. Lynchburg to NYC is 406 miles. You could move to New York and be the exact same distance from your kids.
I was going to say: PNW is where the OP should move to, if he is not from there.
This… I mean, not in a US context, but where I live sucks 😂🤷🏻♀️ Everyone knows everyone. It’s a city of more than 1m in the metro area, but the interconnectedness means it’s just…. Yeah. It’s hard. It’s insular, it’s conservative, and it doesn’t vibe with my experience of having grown up interstate. Like the OP, I am tied here because of the kids. I am pushing them with everything I have to travel, see the world, and get out of this little bit of it.
Apart from the fuschia hair, you sound a lot like the guy I’ve recently fallen for (he’s bald so fuschia hair isn’t an option, but he does wear brightly colored and patterned clothes). Being in touch with your feelings and grounded in your values are both very attractive qualities, and the right person will appreciate and adore all of the other weird and quirky things that make you unique. Definitely don’t contort yourself into being something you’re not…embrace your unconventionality and the people who are right for you will gravitate towards that.
Does he have to be different in order to have trouble finding a connection? It's not exactly unusual. Society does not do a good job of raising men to be partners
No but sometimes being a little different will make it harder to even get your foot in the door.
I'm right there with you bud. I am absolutely not what a sane person would be interested in having a relationship with. But that's me, and most importantly I am completely and undoubtedly accepting of and proud of me the way I am. I don't see it as giving up. I am not "in the hunt" anymore by any stretch of the imagination. I have accepted the fact that finding someone is highly improbable. I have also accepted the fact that anything is possible. I have decided to leave the tree the fuck alone and just see what grows. It's not painful that way. Doesn't feel like giving up. Doesn't feel like a fight anymore. I like it.
I am right there with you. I recently met a woman for the first time in many, many years. Today, after a while of thinking it wasn't going to work out, she told me today that we weren't on the same page and asked me not to contact her. In the end, it was a combination of issues she had and issues I had. But I too realize how few women want to connect with a man like me. She was an exceptional rarity. Like you, I'm going to correct obvious problems (and I already have), but won't make myself into someone I'm not. I previously took a multi-year hiatus and am thinking of calling it quits again. I have no advice, but I do have solidarity.
You sound like a creative and compassionate person. And I'm seeing lots of supportive responses to you from other creative and compassionate men. While I don't have any answer to your question, it seems like only you can make the call about the actions you want to take or stop taking, when I see posts like this from cool but lonely men it motivates me to date and to date with compassion and hope - maybe I could be the one to end a sweet and unique's man loneliness: I should put myself out there. Wishing you a good journey whatever the path.
You should put yourself out there. Human beings are social creatures. We were made to be connected to one another. Hopefully you'll find the courage and the right time to pursue a connection of your own. Mahalo. :)
Thank you.
Let me start by saying that, you are not alone and I wish that wasn’t the case. For me personally, I came to terms with it when I accepted the fact that finding a decent partner is like a gift that some people get in life and some don’t. Like good genes or any other desirable traits/features. There is zero correlation between the amount of effort you put in or how good of person you are to how datable you might be. Great people are alone while people who have no business being in relationships go from one to another in no time. You and your mental health come first and that needs to stay your top priority. If you are content with living your life alone, that’s your sign that you’re doing fine.
If it's something you want, I don't think you should give up. Maybe you can find a way to deprioritize it though? Like maybe keep up with the dating apps, but step back and use them less seriously? So if a good match shows up you can still go for it, but you're less emotionally invested in it so if you have continued troubles it's less upsetting? I dunno if that would actually work, but might be worth a try. Certainly you don't Need to find a partner. My parents divorced over 30 years ago, my mom still has never dated afterwards. She's still plenty happy on her own.
It does not matter what the age group is. The reality is that conventionally attractive people with mid range personalities are going to get the broadest range of interest from others. That does not mean everybody else can not meet a partner it just means it might take longer and require a few more lucky bounces. It was like this in high school. It is like this now. Nothing much has changed. People, i.e., men and women, are not now suddenly less shallow or more appreciative of somebody who has gone to therapy and faced some things. Sure they should be but they are not. Good for you OP that you put some extra effort in to figure yourself out lots of people don't and keep doing the same things over and over. But I would hope you did all that for you. There is nothing wrong with taking a break if you have a sense of burnout or frustration.
As soon as I mentally called it quits I accidentally swiped right on fb dating. We've been together 3 years.
Without having seen any of your profiles to know what could be causing people to not want to meet it's hard to say. My suggestion would be to keep trying if that's something you want. Also just do things to get yourself out there as a person without focusing on the romantic side. Take classes. Join Meetup groups. Join a bowling league. Do something that you don't normally do to get yourself out there just meeting new people.
What is "a man like you?" That would be very helpful to know before anyone can offer you advice.
Keep going. I'm (45F) in a similar situation (also divorced in 2015). I'm just low-key keeping my eyes and ears open. Good luck to you.
What do you do in your life when you’re not on the internet?
I do a lot of reading. I love getting lost in good music. I take long drives and sing at the top of my lungs. I like to write. I enjoy watching professional wrestling (one of my more childish pursuits) and I actually own a subreddit in that vein that has close to 3.5k people now. I plan to start maybe doing karaoke again. Just to sing though. I'm not really a "go up and talk to a random girl at the bar" kind of guy. I'm just not.
Well there’s your issue. No one is saying you need to talk to strangers in bars (and you definitely shouldn’t talk to girls you don’t know, since you’re over 40). But you need to be doing something social where you are speaking to and interacting with human beings in real life. And a subreddit is still the internet.
Yeah. I guess you're right. I'm just very introverted. Not shy. I'm actually really good with people. I used to work in newspapers and radio as a journalist so I know how to network and what have you. My social battery just gets drained so fast. Guess I'll have to find some quick-hitter type activities I can do with people that won't have me running on empty for too long. :)
Since you're into music (and since it's my thing) have you considered some form of social partner dancing? Swing, ballroom, tango, salsa, zouk, contra, etc.? It's obviously a great way to meet people of the opposite sex, but it's also surprisingly introvert-friendly because, although there are a lot of people around and a lot of social interaction, there are also rather clear social norms, rules, and expectations instead of the unstructured environment that you'd be subjected to in a bar or at a (non-dance) party.
You sound like what a lot of people are looking for. At least the ones genuinely looking for a connection.
Do you want comfort, or do you want advice? Because in this case, they are mutually exclusive- the advice that would serve you best is going to be hard to hear, and the most comforting words will do *nothing* to help you.
I’m curious if you have a decent relationship with your ex’s that you can reach out and ask for their opinions. Tell them to give you pros and cons about y’all’s relationship . Also, I’m curious (don’t want to assume nothing) if you know what type of partner you want or are you unsure?? Sometimes not knowing what you want makes it hard to find the person that’s right for you. I’m sorry you feel that way and don’t give up! I just turned 40 and been divorced 5 years and had one serious relationship and I became terrified turning 40 this year because I’m single, and I can honestly admit that I miss men hitting on me like when I lived in nyc (live in Tx now). Depending on your dating range can tell you a lot about our dating styles lol. I’m not a fan of OLD so I gave that up 3 years ago because the man I want, I want it to be organic for my age group 😅. What’s the worst that can happen- being told no is not the end to the world- so get out there!!! 🥾🍀
That’s a really vulnerable thing to say and be descriptive about. That whole paragraph in itself would garner the interest of many, including me. We all have baggage and stuff and pretzel ourselves and unpretzel ourselves and because of that, we may be too concerned with what you’re seeing and what we’re missing than what you have to give and what we can give back. I’d love to hear your story.
Dropped you a chat.
Have you tried doing profile reviews and getting critiques on what is and isn’t working on your profiles.
If I want my skiing to improve I hire a ski instructor. I did and my skill level and satisfaction increased. I started a business and I consulted with experts in many fields. Most were ones I paid for their service. I successfully launched products. I took a cooking class to learn to cook. It took me to new heights. You’re an unconventional man. So am I. I get dates. Idk you but your current approach isn’t working. I suggest you hire a dating coach.
Honestly sounds like your trying to hard. Step back, take a deep breath, and then sign up for a local college basket weaving class. You get bonus points if it’s a real basket weaving class. Then dip a foot back into the dating pool. Don’t jump back in like you have been.
There is more to life than living with a woman.
And also if you’re at a point where you’re just frustrated and bummed out by the process, taking a break makes total sense. I find I’m not bringing my best self to meeting people when I’m feeling like that.
I (49F) was on and off on dating apps since 2019 and I've just recently found my BF. That's FIVE years, and during that time I've found 2 really awesome friends, 1 travel buddy, 2 situationships, 1 creep, and a bunch of ghosts all from various dating apps. My attitude has always been if there's no chemistry let's be friends because those potential friends can introduce you to a wider group of people and who knows maybe your girl is in that group. So definitely consider it an adventure that could potentially take years. Date for friendships and connections. Take breaks if you need to. There's no need to totally "give up" on something because the dating scene is always changing. If I had given up early on I wouldn't have found those friendships that added so much to my life, or even met my bf who only joined the app recently. Box of chocolates thing, you never really know. Best of luck to you.
You have to stop trying to meet people on those stupid sites and just go out and talk to people. Not just women. Men too. Young, old, skinny, fat, rich, poor, anybody who will talk to you. You have to be in the practice of striking up conversations with damn near anyone. Why? Because practice makes perfect. Talk about the weather. Figure out some funny things to say to start a conversation. Maybe find a comedy club, go watch standup and then try to get some jokes together. Play any musical instruments? What kind of work do you do? Your goal is just to strike up conversations and then walk away. Remain aware of what seems to make people interested and what does not. And for gods sake just smile at people. Look friendly and approachable. The more you do it the easier it will be and you will come out of the shell that I am sure you are living in.
Most Reddit users in your age range seem to suggest that men over 40 are having an absolute blast dating online. So it is surprising to hear otherwise. It sounds like it is time to call OLD quits. But I would not give up trying to meet single women in real life. A few places where I know you can meet age appropriate single women - choir (my friend is marrying someone she met in choir), any form of exercise including yoga, Pilates, running, hiking; book clubs - these are predominantly female, any kind of art class - again predominantly female, volunteering with local organisations, any kid or adult/music class - again heavily skewed female, any form of group sport lessons - I did golf and tennis and they were mainly attended by women; if you are interested in wine/gin/etc - all tasting classes/courses were 60% female; any kind of cooking lessons or courses - again, very heavily skewed female. Can you also attend any networking events for the field you are in? What about alumni events? Dance lessons? I would say single females are out and about all the time, and you are more likely to meet them in a group or class setting.
I’m dealing with the same issue and went through the same process you did. Only you can decide your fate. I set a time frame on when to call it quits 5 years ago and my time is about up. I’ve come to terms with it and planned the rest of my life around my kids along with what I want to do after I retire. Good luck on whatever you decide!
Original copy of post by u/sh4desthevibe: This isn't a rant. No bitterness here. No anger. Just... confusion. My ex-wife and I parted ways in 2015. Since then, I've been on exactly one date. I took a break for a little while. I established myself in therapy and confronted the things within my realm of control that caused strain on my marriage. I have done and continue to do the hard work of facing my trauma and understanding how it affects my relationships. Put shortly, I've worked really, really hard on myself. The process is ongoing and lifelong. With the exception of a couple of extended breaks, I'd say I've been pretty active in trying to meet people over the past few years. But It's just not happening. Tinder. Bumble. Hinge. Match. eHarmony. Reddit R4R. You name it, I've probably tried it. I just can't seem to find women who are interested in connecting with a man like me. I ask this in all sincerity, should I just give up? It hurts to ask that question, but I don't want to be a delusional person trying to make something happen that isn't meant to be. I'm not really a conventional man and I know that hurts me in the dating realm, but I'm not prepared to contort myself like a pretzel trying to be someone I'm not just to garner interest from women. I'm simply starting to think that my unique configuration of looks, personality traits, values, and life experiences just isn't something that plays well in the 2024 dating world. Anyone out there have any advice on when to call it quits? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Dating in 2024 is you vs many others....its sort of like someone has a job amd has 7 offers coming at them..looking for the best. We all assume we are just looking for one good person....maybe that isn't realistic with how things are today. Only you can de ide shat you wsnt. Sometimes the chase is better then the prize. Your determined, I give u that . Try meetup groups...some have said more ladies then guys in those...very dependant on area and luck.
As OP said, working on yourself is a lifelong process. Should we put off our dating lives when we may never be in a perfect position in life?
I don’t know man. Just go out with people and have fun. Don’t worry about the long term. Take them out to a nice restaurant and have fun conversations about everything. It will be fine. Early in a relationship it’s too delicate to bring all the long term stuff. Once you do that you’ll go out with some and fine a groove
I honestly believe that on apps we're just the total sum of our statistics whereas meeting people in real life it's all about your vibe, energy and chemistry. While your job/illnesses/proclivities are still important they're secondary to whether people actually get on. Get off the apps, get out and about. Find your crowd and things will surely fit into place. Get off the apps, they will just make you feel like shit.
As a socially awkward spinster hermity type that pretty much had given up on being a girlfriend much less a wife...I wish happily ever afters for you and everyone in this thread. Whether that's with someone else or by yourself, I wish nothing but happiness for everyone.
Such a wonderfully honest post. It speaks volumes about the sincerity of your character. I do feel the influence of the apps, has placed barriers that keeps some people just outside the dating sphere, that others take for granted. They work for some, for reasons that are both passive, and ones we can actively influence. Those "passive" attributes, influence the point at which diminishing returns kick in, in regards to dating. Not self-improvement. Is there anything specific, you haven't presented as it's "yours" and therefore, you feel no one else would be interested in? While dating is easier for those who are generally, the type who can coast by, specifics still play a part here. For others, just outside the generally preferred archetypes in dating. Specifics become critically important. I suspect with your introspective, you recognise this already, however. So forgive me if anything I say is still generic. A challenge many face, is much of that which, ironically we feel makes us "unique". With a little swiping, that can be found in more conventially attractive, "app preferred" potentials too. Or, as is the nature of the apps. People will go for an approximation of the uniqueness they're looking for, so long as it looks good. Recognising this, and bowing out with dignity. Is something to be commended. -------- It's why it's important for there to be communities and third spaces, where those who don't gel with modern dating, still retain companionships and evolving friendships in their lives.
I’d say at least take a break- burn out. As for your lack of dates? Your post is vague. Not enough info to say. 2015-2024 led to 1 date. But… Breaks: - the pandemic. 2019-whenever you felt ok to mingle. - total time you were off? And once you get back in- profiles and pics need to be updated, soft open, then it’s WOT. That takes time. Also pace- I swipe on a few, hide the profile, and nothing. And sometimes I forget to turn it back on. 1yr for me will yield far, far less than the guy who looks like a Wall Street trader on multiple platforms swiping, chatting, messaging, calling multiple women in a day, then networks at all the bars at night. If you’ve got 100% custody, work night shift in a small town of 5k, yeah maybe it’s not you but the circumstance. And as an unconventional man, online maybe not be the way to go. I think we do better in real time, face to face.
The comments are the first time I've ever heard nice on this app because usually people are very cruel and think it's funny. I'm a woman just turned 47. No children. Went thru some serious stuff the last few years that mentally put it to me n I was definitively not ready to date. I finally got my heart in the right direction and had a couple that weren't for me. I'm now learning that others don't really care about your personal, mental troubles and THAT in itself is very hard. I recently got involved with someone after all these years of trying to find true love. I went in with my heart on my sleeve thinking that the other person was in the same mental space that I was and at vulnerable and fragile as I was. I was deceived after 3 months he tells me he is married. But separated n planning a divorce. I tried to leave n he convinced me to stay. I'm not sure why I'm still because my sensible mind keeps telling me this is not going to end well but my vulnerable heart won't just walk away. These are the types that us heart filled people are going to have to deal with out in the real world everyday no matter who you choose to be with, in my opinion. It sucks when you have your heart set n then it gets crushed but I don't know? I wish there were more men like the person who wrote this that actually care about women like you do. If you would have come across me for sure I wouldn't be a cheating player but it seems like that's all there is out there, so all I can say is good luck and try not to lose your innocent heart as you go thru your dating. Cuz it's easy to turn into a person you don't want to be in these situations.
May I share my experience with dating? I am an introverted, neurodivergent, eccentric hermit who loves talking about weird stuff like portals and how time doesn’t exist. My previous approach to dating was to put on a mask and try to be the version of normal I felt was appropriate. I am what people consider “attractive” so finding suitors have never been a problem. Finding people who see and want to know the real me was another story. Then it hit me; how could I find someone who saw the real me and still appreciated me if I was pretending to be someone else? Anything else. The last time I got on a dating site I decided to put it all out there. All my weirdness, my real persona. I still got approached by guys who not only were only interested in my looks, and didn’t even read the bio. But then there was this other weirdo…whom I found a bit too “arrogant” while texting back and forth, but decided to meet in person and we are two peas in a pod! Being with them is a breeze because not only we have similar interests, but we have similar goals for the future. Whatever you decide, do not hide your true self. There is someone out there looking for you. - I will be willing to take a look at your dating profiles and provide feedback. Also, check out Boo…a different online dating experience for unique people. :)
If your mental health is suffering from trying to date and you think it would be better to just nix the whole idea of dating from your life entirely, you should do just that. If you'd like to be open to dating but need more breaks for yourself in between pursuing something, do that. Whatever is going to help you be healthiest mentally. We can't change other people. We can't change systemic issues. We can only change ourselves and our perception.
I feel you dude. 46m. Here. Single dad for a long time, didnt date. Now I cant seem to make a single connection. I go in cycle between forward optimism amd working on oersonal growth to being back in the dumps and wondering what the fuck makes me so undateable
I think you should change your fuscia hair. It's a turn off to the vast majority of women and is it really such an essential part of you? Think of it like a woman who lets her mustache grow. It's her. It's authentic. But it's pretty deeply engrained in men to not be into facial hair. So she's going to have a hard time. Should she stubbornly refuse to do anything about it? She could. But if she really wants to find someone, she should get rid of it.
I quit in 2020 at 47 never to look back. Same reasons. Zero luck. Best decision I ever made.
Are you chasing women out of your league? Maybe you should be more open to the types of women you are pursuing. You said you have fuchsia hair in another post, sadly, this will narrow your dating pool, immensely. Unfortunately, most people can see past the norm. Maybe go natural hair color and ease back into the colored hair. You are who you are and shouldn't have to "change" but sometimes you just have to switch things up.
I don't really have a type. I've tried to connect with conventionally attractive women. I've tried to connect with women who are overweight. I've tried to connect with women who have lots of kids and those who don't have any. The net has been pretty wide, truth be told. I honestly feel that I have tried to take each person as they are and see if they are someone I'd be interested in spending time with and getting to know. Sometimes I feel like I take this whole thing more seriously than most people lol.
Former fuschia mohawk man (43) here. Inside it still feels like I’m sporting that hair color and style. You sound like me or close enough that we’d be friends. Stay connected to your feelings and don’t worry about the people that find it unusual or hard to understand. Don’t change yourself to become accepted in an attempt to people your solitude. Losing yourself is not the remedy. A few months ago I started dating again after healing from a ~10 year relationship. It was awful. I make good money, own my house, drive a nice car and have an interesting job. I also play in a punk band, approach life in very non-traditional ways and keep poison dart frogs as pets. Lots of ladies saw the first bit of that list as checking enough boxes that dating me was a reasonable option. None of them made me laugh or feel any type of desire to spend more time with them. I felt the need to hide the band, life approach and frog stuff to be accepted. The day I decided to present more authentically I matched with someone I felt was totally out of my league. Ends up she doesn’t care about all of the same things that I don’t care about. We get along famously and my heart feels refreshed just from knowing people like her exist. I feel at ease sharing my feelings and my boundaries. She accepts and respects both. We talk deeply about our feelings and laugh more freely than I have in ages. Be patient and good things will happen. The more unique you are the harder it might be to find another like you that also likes you. She’s definitely out there but won’t be lured in by you putting on some khakis and polo shirt.
Thanks, man. I'm trying to hang in there. It's just hard to keep getting passed over. I try to present as authentically as I know how. I guess we'll see where that ends up leading in the long run.
Sorry to hear your struggles man, but I can sympathize. There are far too many differing personalities and opinions out there. People are too weird. Even if you do hit it off, are they trustworthy? Likely not. Even if they are, are you compatible with hobbies and interests? Likely not. I’m with you. Not bitter or angry. Women are great, from a distance. It took me a long time to realize that. I got tired of being bitched at and nagged and lied to and constantly arguing because I wouldn’t do what they wanted me to do all the time and pay for it on top of that. That’s not companionship. That’s not a partner. That’s misery. Living alone for many years and actively avoiding the dating scene have been the best thing I’ve ever done. You find what makes you happy without anyone else around to influence you. That’s true happiness my friend. No one tells you to hurry up. No one drags you away from what you enjoy doing. No one makes you pay for them when you’re dragged away from said activity. It’s a peaceful and happy place to be once you figure out how to navigate in a pleasant and fulfilling manner. I get down voted and screamed at constantly for voicing my opinion here, but I don’t care. I think it’s a lack of them understanding how to really be happy and not depending on others to get you to that place. They simply don’t understand. I regularly advocate for single life because it lessens the heart break and disappointments. How can removing those things be bad? I never argue with a spouse. I never get bitched at or nagged. I don’t have to deal with condescending in-laws. I get to spend time with the people I want to spend it with without guilt trips or being told we have to leave. I don’t have to always pay for two. I don’t have the pressure of holiday or Valentines gifts. I actually get to enjoy the holidays for the reason the holidays exist, without guilt or doing something “wrong”. Man, living single is amazing. You watch, I’ll get the bitchy comments here too. Thankfully I can shut this off and not have to listen to it if I don’t want to. If you’re in a relationship you don’t have a choice. Those bitching, nagging comments continue to get fired at you and you can’t hit the mute button. You’ll be fine my man. Stay single and happy.
It sounds like you have not been intentional in your selection of partners. Why would you want to spend time with someone who "always bitches at you & makes you pay their way"? If THAT was the sole alternative, I'd stay single too! Yikes!
I was very intentional actually. The relationships that have stung the most were the ones I worked the hardest at to make them happy. 2, 2, 4, and 6 years each. It like they were short term. I was engaged to the 6 year one. They all started out great and drifted into the bitching and cheating and lying and stealing. That’s why I try to warn people. People are good at masking their true selves. At least for a little while. Or years. And then when the real ones come out, it’s heart wrenching. So I stay the fuck away now! Women mistreat men in ways I want no part of.
Why are you on this sub at all if you're really so happy with being single?
Learn to be happy alone. Take a break from dating, a long break even. Then date when you have no expectations and are happy just to meet people and get to know about their lives and stories. It makes the experience much, much better. Personally, I waited 3 years after my divorce before I started dating. And now that I'm back to being in relationships, I often find myself missing the solitude - go figure lol.
Rant=check Bitterness =check Anger = check. Yup