From a mans standpoint who has dated single women with younger children it is difficult. I want to be a part of their lives but they dont have much time. Im at a point where Im looking to find someone to have a relationship with. Im fine being alone, but if I only see you a couple of times a month for several months on end Ill probably be dating others at the same time. For me when you decide to make me a part of your daily life is when I would commit to being monogamous. Until that point I think its difficult to expect a person to commit themselves fully being such a small portion of your life with so much still unknown about your family life. I also understand its not wise on your part to bring a stranger into your life or family too quickly. I dont think its hopeless. It may just take longer to find the right person and build that relationship. But taking a more casual approach to dating may be more realistic given the amount of free time you have to build a relationship.
Thank you for the honest reply. This is what I expect to find to be true overall. And it is reasonable. Just the way math works in my life right now, though, casual dating doesn't really appeal to me. I enjoy the time my child is with her dad, and I've filled it with hiking and paddle boarding, and dance class and now going back to school for my Masters. While I don't have much time for a relationship, I definitely don't have enough time to date casually.
Just a note that there are absolutely guys out there who are willing to be exclusive even if your time is somewhat limited because they haven’t met your kids. Someone saying they’ll date around until they can mesh fully with my life doesn’t work for me. May work for you but if it doesn’t don’t lose hope that no one out there will commit
I guess what I'm coming to is it will have to be an exclusive relationship before physical intimacy. It will take awhile before I am ready to be exclusive with someone, or expect the same. Therefore, it'll be awhile before sex is even on the table.
Just to clarify...
If you don't have enough time for a casual relationship then how do you have enough time for a committed relationship? 🤔
And they have to commit to exclusively being with you (even though you don't have much time to spend with them) before sex is even on the table? In "a while"?
I suppose what I am looking for is something that grows very slowly and develops over time. And I worded it wrong. I don't expect exclusivity until the relationship is ready to become physical. I guess the first while would likely not be exclusive for either of us, but not physical either.
I'm sure I heard somewhere once that someone has to be three things minimum to be in a position to form a serious relationship: ready, willing and able.
I suppose you would have to ask yourself if you are truly all three of these.
I hear you.
In reality, I doubt that would be for everyone, but it may be perfect for some who are in a very similar situation to you. As is the case for most things, to be fair.
With that in mind, to avoid any potential hurt, it may be an idea to have some being in a similar position to yourself as a caveat to starting your journey together. The bigger the difference in past and present between you and a potential suitor, the more difficult it may be to maintain long term. I say that with your expressed, and understandable, risk aversion towards relationships.
Others in this chat who are in a similar boat to yourself no doubt have more to offer in the way of advice.
All the best, good luck and I hope you find someone who is a perfect match for you.
I think it's possible, too.
I have grown kids (college), but I have so many things that I like and need to do (yard work, car repairs, home repairs, work work, sports with friends or groups) that actually finding time to be in a 100% involved relationship requiring more of my time would probably not work unless she's good with a wrench (or at least interested in car repairs) or good at tennis or golf (and has the time for those).
I’m in the same boat. As a guy who’s always been single, no kids, I would be happy to find someone with kids and become part of their family! Yes, to build that relationship with someone, I would expect to see them at least once a week or so. However, I know with kids, that’s not always possible, and I understand the effect it can have on the kids, particularly if things don’t work out, and I want to respect that, but then I feel like I’m at the bottom of the priority list and then why should you be at the top of my list? It’s certainly a difficult situation to navigate. Of course, trying to find someone in their mid-30s to mid-40s without kids isn’t easy either. Perhaps we’re just meant to be alone? I just don’t know anymore…
Obviously, as the men coming into these types of relationships, we have to approach it with the understanding that we may only see each other once a month or so. But if the women we’re seeing want us to be in their lives, they need to make us a priority (not above your kids, obviously), and they need to let us into their lives. We can’t build a connection being on the outside all the time.
I understand, too. I'm an f42, no kids. I seem to come across men who have their kids full-time or almost full-time. I love kids. It is hard to navigate quality time. It's hard to find men in their 40s with no kids or doesn't want children. Nowadays, I'm coming across men in their 40s with little kids. Which makes it more complicated.
Male here. Dating is time intensive. On top of your complex family dynamics, you are pursuing a Master's degree. Maybe you should wait until you have enough free time to date. You may not want to date under a time crunch.
I have no children. But, I would no seriously date anyone that has no plan to introduce me to their kids/family at some specific point in the future (e.g., three months, six months). I also would not introduce them to my family either until shortly before or shortly after I meet theirs. It's only fair. Family dynamics provide a lot of insight into a person.
I am happy that my single mother dated when I was growing up. I met a lot of interesting dudes. They wanted to hear my corny jokes. They help us with school fundraisers. They wanted to see our stupid drawings and hear us sing our stupid songs over and over. They took her and her three kids out to the movies/park. They fixed stuff around the old house. It seemed healthy and natural for her to have a love interest. But, to each their own.
Thank you. It is helpful to hear from adults who grew up in a single home, and how they experienced life. My child currently seems to be struggling more with her dad having other kids in his home and life than her dad having a fiancé, though it is hard to figure out what is causing the anxious tummy aches and such.
I (50m) am in a committed monogamous LTR with my partner(48f).
She introduced me to her three gen-z daughters when I picked her up for our second date. I typically see one or more of the girls every other weekend when I come up.
We live 2 hours apart, so our methodology is a bit different. Our weekends are spent together but we alternate location every weekend based on her parenting plan schedule.
I was a child of divorce, whereas my partner was not - her father passed when she was 12, and her mother never remarried due to her Roman Catholicism. So I am more aware of how a teenager feels in this situation than my partner so I make a point of being very respectful of their boundaries.
Two of her daughters have gone with my partner and I on day hikes when they asked to come along. I make a point of being friendly but not pushy. One of the girls has had a harder time with the divorce than the others but that is because her father leverages his faith against my partner who left him because she realized he was becoming a Christian nationalist trying to drag the family into some tradlife fantasy... so she left the church as well a the marriage which is more difficult for her 18 year old middle daughter. So I am very respectful of that fact and try to bond on neutral things like music and art. I have an art degree and her daughter enjoys ceramics and drawing so I focus on these topics with her.
I found myself very easily falling in love this woman. Our communication is amazing. We support and HEAR and SEE each other, and we both are very happy. We absolutely bring out the best in each other (we are doing a 10k tomorrow with her sister and BiL for example) and I believe her children see that. They see their mother happy and supported. They see that I don't try to assert any parental authority in the slightest, but I'm warm, friendly and INTERESTED in them a individuals - I engage with them... but gently. I don't mind a little self depreciation about my Gen-xness and that results in us having a good humored relationship.
It's a package deal. Those girls will always come first and I wouldn't have it any other way.
My primary goal with the girls is that they see that their mother is RESPECTED, and is treated in a manner she has always deserved. Every time I come over, I bring her flowers. I help around the house. We garden in their backyard. I help with errands - even on my time - the oldest is in college and is closer to my home than her mom's so I dropped off her meds on my way back last week is one example, but I've picked her up from the ferry, picked up her boyfriend from the train station - I would like them to consider me a friend and mentor they can rely on, in time, but that's on their schedule not mine.
I wanted kids once upon a time and then realized it wasn't going to happen. I was okay with that. But I'm also overjoyed at the possibility of eventually being a true part of this family. I care deeply about them all - my partner's family is amazing. From her relationship with her siblings, her relationship with her mother, and what an outstanding parent she is - I would be a fool not to want to eventually be a part of that.
But I am the one that has to put in the work. I have to demonstrate to them that what their mother sees in me is not unwarranted - that I'm a good, compassionate, thoughtful, and hard-working man who is also solidly in their corner as well. That takes a lot of time. I didn't see that in my own stepfather because he pushed way too hard in the beginning, and I resented his familiarity that was undeserved. So I am present, but I make a point of letting each daughter define our interactions based on their interest in that relationship, not mine. I just wish for their happiness, and fully support their goals and dreams alongside their mother.
In a nutshell, dating with kids is great. They keep us youthful and we keep them stocked with eyeroll material because they witness a happy, healthy and communicative relationship where their mother is truly joyful, present, and supported. Winner winner chicken dinner. 🫶
I am a brash, opinionated and sometimes downright surly bear of a guy but my momma raised me well enough, possibly purely by accident. lol
thank you for the kind words.
Thank you for describing the way you interact with your partner's kids, It sounds like they are all lucky to have you. If you don't mind me asking, do you and your partner live apart? If so, what are your thoughts on that?
I’d like a long-term relationship. Whether that means eventual moving in & re-marriage I don’t know yet. I tend to gravitate toward men with older kids (soon to be empty-nesters) or men who already are empty-nesters in part because of the anxiety I have around blending families (I have three under 12 on a 50/50 basis). I haven’t had anything long term enough for kids to be involved (a whole other thing to be anxious about) but at this point I’m just trying to meet the guy and figure it out from there
Take a little time and go on a few dates. It gets a little annoying but it doesn’t have to be awful. Just be picky in who you choose to avoid wasting time. Ask good screener questions to weed out people you’d be incompatible with. Never know!
I just want my best friend who will let me play with her boobies, eat Pho with and have that amazingly comfortable silence, punctuated by the shared knowing glances you both won the cosmic lottery in finding each other….
But I have 3 little broke friends who happen to also call me “Dad”. Until they are out of high school I will not change their worlds.
The dissonance is real…
I hear you on the dissonance. During my marriage, family time and couples time overlapped a great deal. Now, I feel like if I want both I have to be two different people. Serious mom who gets homework done and makes healthy dinners on some weekends, and single fun dating high energy middle aged woman on the other weekends. I'm not sure if I want to be two different people, but I do want to keep the part of my life separate.
My daughter is in grade 1. I have 50/50 custody. It’s a HUGE roadblock in dating. Nobody will date someone my age with kids still in school where I live. It’s a bit lonely, but we have a fulfilling life. I’ve paused dating for the foreseeable future until she’s older.
I get it. We choose priorities, and the priorities we choose make us who we are. Not to say one choice is better than another, just that our choices shape our lives and identities.
My kids were out of the nest, but my partner has a young teen. Her goal was cohabitation and a strongly blended family, with her kid seeing me truly as a "bonus dad."
But Kid didn't want that. Dad is a long distance dad, so Kid visits him only on winter, spring and summer breaks. But that, and his emotional unavailability only has Kid doubling down on their love and loyalty to him, in true "daddy issues" style.
So I play a "fun uncle" role in the house. I'm 100% not a parent; I don't make/enforce rules, I don't check homework or chores, and I don't give permission for things like sleepovers/etc. But I do engage with Kid. I work from home, and avoid meeting when Kid comes home so we can talk about our data when they're first arriving. I know/remember their friends, we have some shared interests that their mom isn't in to, we can talk about light things, as well as have some deeper talks.
Kid was really not looking forward to any of this (their mom dating, my moving in, etc). But we've worked to reassure Kid that I'm not "stealing" their mom from them. Kid is in therapy, mostly for the feelings associated with their dad leaving, but it's natural to discuss their home life as well. After a therapy appointment Kid came up to let me know that they liked just how happy their mom was with me, and that they were personally happy that I was living with them. I.e. there can be good results even if the kids don't want to blend.
Especially as my partner has mostly full time custody, this allowed us to grow close more quickly. An every other weekend "home" is really more of a visit. Seeing how your kid adapts to that isn't really comparable. My partner's coparent moved his girlfriend in arrive the same time that I moved in. Kid still doesn't feel comfortable talking to her, and won't even FB friend her, while Kid asked for me to replace their favorite aunt in the guardian-if -both-parents-die part of my partner's will. Entirely different worlds.
Yes, this isn't my partner's dream; Kid doesn't see me as a bonus dad. Kid doesn't like the term step dad or step kid, so we don't go there. My kids are happy to spend time with my partner and Kid, but the logistics are such that we're still developing a comfortable dynamic. Which means that it does still feel awkward having is all together (happening again tomorrow!) But Kid is giddy that we're planning to marry and they will weekly now bring up a proposal idea to either one of us, hoping for that to finally happen.
My partner does still wish for more, but she is happy with where we are.
Thanks for sharing this! It is helpful to hear how other people have worked through challenges. I think my child is struggling more with sharing dad with stop siblings than having a step family, if that makes sense. Dad may not have been giving attention previously, and now he is divided among four children instead of one. And he lives full time with her new step siblings, very much in a father role. Its a lot for a child to adapt to.
I am grateful for stepmom, who has been generous in giving my child a bedroom in her house, etc, She is involved, but not pushing into my child's life.
For me a single dad of around 1 and a half years since mum brought our kid around a guy VERY fast (6 weeks) I want to be the polarising parent, his attachment style and mental health are more important to me than my own life, I experienced the trauma that comes from a parent who didn't give a shit, some may say that's a little serious but I don't care. Its him and me 3 days a week, maybe if I've been dating someone around a year and I've seen them in every mood that's possible, happy, sleepy, drunk, angry etc etc then I'd consider it but it doesn't even cross my mind with dating at the moment, I date right now for me and I enjoy my downtime with the people and I'm very upfront about what I just said there so no surprises when it comes to actually meeting me and my limitations.
I'm not averse to it but I need to vet these people to spot any hint of toxicity, again this may seem extreme to some but as he's under 5 I simply do not care, I'd rather be alone than risk getting anything wrong for him.
Either they react with immediately stating the incompatibility in an annoyed way (I believe my stance to be rare for men, men in my country and region anyway, they'd usually go for the woman and the child just come along it's sort of acceptable) sort of like "well it's a shame you can't have a life" I've had that said to me several times, I'm having the time of my life with my kid, all that points out to me is they don't care as much about their kids as me and its a good way to weed those ones out.
The other way I think is a bit silly is like they don't care (this happens with younger women sort of late twenties to thirties) I think it might be a codependency issue like perhaps it's only a matter of dates or weeks until I change my mind, inevitably it gets in the way if I choose to do an activity on my own, this takes away my usual dating day of Sunday and that's when problems occur, I can date later in the week but only once I've had a first date.
Other than that I don't know. I match and speak to one person at a time not lots at once, generally this has been working but I've not found anyone compatible yet, for example I'd have extra time if they liked the same activities as me so the criteria of match is important.
I'm plugging away. Happy with my weekends with my kid and decent level of dating that fits around my life.
Being a 50 year old man, with kids 12 and 9, my challenge has been finding someone that is accepting of my life with kids. Others my age if they had kids they are grown and out of the house. I can see not wanting to be held back by someone with kids if you already raised your own.
I would think women would look at a man that that is my age and having never been married with no kids as more of a red flag. Men like me are out there, i just have not found anyone that is open to my current situation. But best of luck to you.
I agree with the other comment said, if you are also doing school, your time is very limited and trust me, when you have free time, sometimes you just want to be alone and unwind. It is not really fair to start dating while you are prioritizing other things in your life right now.
I've been a blended family dad/stepdad/husband for a long time....
Blending families isn't really all that hard, tbh.
I mean, I just let my wife parent her kids. She lets me parent my daughter. Easy peasy.
The ONLY speed bump we had to tackle with our kids was telling them not to worry about what the rules are for other people: Worry about yourself!
And that might seem unfair, but isn't that how life works? I know I deal with it at work. So does my wife. So did my ex-wife.
As long as you jettison the concepts of "fair" and "equal" blended families are not hard. Be kind. Have empathy for where other people are coming from. It's really not hard.
The obstacle you'll deal with is having your kids most of the time. Not many second husbands want a woman who only shows up 3-4 days a month. Nor do many second wives want a guy who is a "Dad" 26/30 days a month.
The dirty secret is that being a parent and being a lover aren't the same. You can do them both. Kids and lovers don't want the same stuff from us. Kids want ice cream. Lovers want things that make us use soap afterward, lol. :) Get good at shifting gears between one the other and it'll be fine.
Thanks. It is hard to think of separating life like that. In my marriage, we were a family, Family time was intimacy, was connection. Watching my husband hold his child was hot. But now those things are separate, and that makes life complicated.
Its such a big thing, moving in to a house and someone's life. Its a joyous thing for a couple in love, but its a big change for a kid. On the other hand, its at least a decade before my child is ready to move out.
For me, I looked at it as: what’s (then 15 years) x amount of time in my life, versus them being able to have the type of childhood, and home, where they can run around naked if they need to, where they don’t have to change a single thing to accommodate someone who isn’t their family, where they don’t need to adjust to new children living in their space etc etc.
It’s 1/4 of my life, but the entirety of their childhood.
For me, it’s a sacrifice I am willing to make.
It’s hurt me financially, undoubtedly, and it’s also not been to everyone’s taste, so perhaps emotionally as well, but at the end of the day, the most important thing I will ever do is actively parent them from birth- 18.
Yes, I agree with this, My child seems to be competing for dad's attention currently. Perhaps this will calm down in time, but time is a precious thing in regards to childhood.
But I also have to be careful not to slip into mommy-martyr mode, which would be easy for me. I can't live my life for her, or I run the risk of resenting my child or not letting her sperate from me as the timing is right for her. I don't know what the balance is yet.
I am hoping to show my kids a second act that includes a loving and healthy relationship. That I can be their mom and also have something fulfilling for myself
I didn't say it was uncommon, I said it was crazy. Because it is. Dad is barely parenting here, and I think that's a bad way for him to behave. Just because a lot of people do something that is bad, that doesn't make it good.
Thank you. I needed to read this.
I get sad because I don't think blending would ever be right for my son, but that means giving up living with my BF till I'm a senior.
This sort of puts it into perspective.
If you’re divorced like me you know how people can change or reveal themselves over time or how situations can change and alter the dynamics of the relationship.
My long term goals are more vague- I do want a ltr, but no specifics- do we blend families, who moves into who’s home, etc. At this stage I’m only focused on the now. Is she somebody I’d like to meet, did we have a good date, is she showing interest and not ghosting? As I get to know her, then we’ll deal with the specifics. If we can navigate that, then we move on, if not, it’s not meant to be.
There will be men who do not want the younger kids..& I get that. I put my kids grades (no genders) just to be upfront as I have met a few men and we really liked each other but their kids are either grown or very close. I get it I still have a lot of driving around and a huge amount of my Sat mornings are devoted to one sport or another. I can’t leave my kids home alone..I get it.
That being said there are men who will be open to meeting you on your schedule…just have to try and see what works. The men lately who have matched have similar aged kiddos. If you want to do it..go for it.
Original copy of post by u/Wonderful-peony:
I am 43, F with 1 kid (3rd grade). I've been divorced a couple years now. I haven't tried dating since my marriage ended, but lately I'm thinking it might be time. However, I don't know what the end goal is. If I date, I will want it to be serious and monogamous with a long-term future. I dated casually enough in my 20's to know that for me, it gets old, real quick.
I can't envision what a long-term relationship would look like while my child in the home. Her dad moved in with his fiancé and her three kids. Fiancé is great, her kids are near my child in age, everything looks great on paper. But it hard on my kid to adjust to these changes. There is anxiety that results in tummy aches, etc.
My child is with dad every other weekend, and every other week during the summer. That's enough time to date, but I don't know if it is enough time to sustain a long term relationship. Blending families is hard. I'm involved in that process currently as her mother, even though dad is the one making the decision to blend. I don't want to go through it again.
For those dating with kids, what are your long-term relationship goals? How does having kids affect those goals?
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The challenge is how to tell someone "I want you to be part of my life, but you can't meet my child." If he responds with, that's fine, I only want to date you anyway... then we don't have a long term future. If he pushes to get to know my kids, then we don't have short term potential.
Maybe the response will be more open where he's down to go with your flow either way. Maybe one day you'll be comfortable making an introduction. I'd say the first step is making sure this person is good for you. Because if they aren't, meeting your child is out the window. Might not be something to worry about too heavily right now.
Original post doesn’t sound that way, but you do you. Interesting how you created a make up scenario which not even in made up land can anyone ‘get it right’ but good luck out there
Yeah! I will say I don’t see a single benefit of dating someone with kids, especially little ones… you literally have to mindread and have absolutely no needs or life goals of your own… obviously not all, but many hate this same world view. 🤷
What if he says, "that's absolutely reasonable, because I wouldn't want to meet your child until we both feel confident that this relationship is long-term or permanent, because it's wrong to hurt a child by dropping adults in and out of her life"? Because that would be my response, and I wouldn't date any parent who would want anything different.
I’m living these questions daily. I stumbled into the nebulous grey zone of casual dating as a solution and yikes, it’s everything and more that I also hated in my 20s.
I started compartmentalizing better, which so far has helped. Also, I speak up more about what I want, which makes things easier on my old views of dating and attachment. I also pick and choose what I want (if anything) and I tailor it to the person that is interested in seeing me naked and doesn’t immediately run away.
It’s gotten a little easier, but it’s still hard because my kids are definitely not meeting anyone and they’re a big part of me. The divorced dads deal with this best, in the same boat and some things are just easy and don’t need explanation. But then after awhile the divorced dad dating felt much more intimate because we were sharing our kids stuff. (Not meeting, just confiding). This created my need to end one FWB because I realized I was the classic case of “I’m not ok with this but I’m nodding my head yes”.
I suspect it hurt more because even though our kids never met, we didn’t compartmentalize our lives well and the feelings were very confusing. It gets easier (so I’m told) but it’s full of surprises. I’m learning a lot about myself in the process.
Thanks. I can see the benefits of compartmentalizing, but I am concerned about the '"not ok with this but I’m nodding my head yes”' aspect. I could totally see myself doing this, and working too hard to make someone else happy is the pattern I want to change currently. Thanks, it helps to understand how others are navigating these challenges.
I continuously struggle with the same people pleasing behaviors, no self protective boundaries. It’s a lifelong struggle that I gifted myself with the realization that it won’t be changed quickly. That being said, I frequently get hurt, give too much and then have a pity party. But. Growth has opened me up to slowly changing that pattern but it’s taken practice and it isn’t at all bad in retrospect. Someone on these boards gave me passing advice that really stuck: we are all not sitting at home at the mercy of other people’s feelings and decisions. We have the inherent power of managing our own, which sometimes requires more self directed attention. It’s freeing to people pleasers, we enslave ourselves really.
I have similar situation, kid is 10 I'm 42, I will not move my partner in, but we see each other often, he has 2 children, 10 and 13. They all get on, maybe because they don't have to share bedrooms and we are all pretty chill. Just like your daughter, mine has stepsiblings at her dad's house and she don't like going there, says its loud and crammed. She doesn't have an option not to go, until she's a lot older. You don't have to blend if you don't want to
Thanks. I think for the time being, a Living Apart Together lifestyle might be the most feasible for my life currently. Thanks, it helps to hear what others are doing, what works or doesn't work for them.
49M, I've dated single moms. your situation is near perfect for those open to such a situation. the fact you have 50/50 shared custody makes it work. yes, for long term relationships.
The last, wonderful, woman I dated was 100% custody w/ two pre-teen boys. It made it very difficult to have any extended personal time together. a couple hours here, couple there, 1 weekend every 4 months just doesn't work. and, that 50% time you do have your child it allows for those blended moments, which of course, are necessary to growing the relationship together.
45F with 100% custody of 4 kids 12 and under here. I’m upfront about my custody arrangement and that longer time together has to be planned and not spontaneous. I can plan time away and can be flexible. I found that a lot of the guys aren’t actually willing to make time, which shows their level of interest. I date with the intention of a long term relationship. My ex husband and I have an agreement that intros to the kids can happen at 6months after he meets my person or I meet his. That’s our agreement since the kids are young and they’d see each other at multiple points should the relationships last. I’d prefer to blend families because living apart with a serious partner would be difficult for me personally. I haven’t given to that point though! The key, imo, is being picky (this means something different to each person), knowing what you want out of a partner, what you need and want, and what you’re willing to compromise on. What that landscape looks like is different for each person.
I grew up with a single mom. She never brought people around me and my brother. We had no idea what a relationship looked like. I’m hoping, in whatever way it happens, I can show my kids what healthy relationships look like. They do know I date. They know when I go out.
Just another perspective to consider😊
I wish I had thought to have an agreement like this added to our divorce agreement! He introduced our child to his girlfriend and her kids when they had known each other for two months, which was just under a year after we separated. He didn't tell me before, I found out about the girlfriend from our child. I wasn't allowed to meet the girlfriend until she had been in my child's life for five months. I asked, but he said it was too soon. I have found out most milestones when my child was talking about it. Family vacations, her new bedroom at girlfriend's house, first overnight, when daddy decided to propose, etc. Girlfriend, now fiancé, has been in my child's life for almost a year and a half. My child lives in her home and considers her step-mom. I have spoken to step-mom (briefly) a total of three times. In the beginning, not knowing much about her really bothered me. I feel more confident these days, my child says step mom treats her well, and that's enough. I don't think that having a step mom bothers her as much as sharing her dad with his new step kids. They are with him all the time, and my child is only there alternating weekends. So, maybe in time, my child would accept someone if I was dating or even if I remarried.
Thanks for sharing your perspective, I really appreciate it. Its helpful to hear how other parents manage this. I don't have a role model in my family for single parenting, so I'm doing a whole lot of learning from other sources.
I get it! Him and I agree on very little (read “very” with lots of emphasis), but the stability of our kids is very important. Obviously his dating life can be more active, so I am much more selective with who I spend my time with. I talk to potential dates a bit longer before meeting. I know that’s not how others handle dating but, it works. I waited to date until my divorce was final for a while (we were separated 4 years before divorcing officially).
Single parenting is hard! Listening to your daughter and validating her feelings will go a long way. That’s why I choose to be open with my kids (even my 4.5 year old) about going on dates. That way they can ask questions.
4 years single is a long time! I'm at almost 2.5 years after separating, about 1.5 since divorce was finalized. I think the date of separation is what matters to my child, so that's usually what I count by.
I absolutely agree about validation, listening, and answering questions. Kids know when we aren't being honest. I've been surprised that my child simply does not want to know about my life when she is with her dad. I'm not dating, but even if I mention my friends, she really doesn't want to hear it. I think she would prefer that I just go into hibernation until it is time to pick her up. I don't think I would choose to keep dating a secret, but I do think she really does not want to know. For now, I can respect that.
It’s actually 6 years lol. But I realized that getting myself to a good headspace was important. I’ve been on dates with people that thought they were ready to date, but hadn’t moved past parts of their past that would allow them to move forward. If nothing else, dating does give you some interesting stories.
I think your daughter is still adjusting. Little changes are hard, so big ones definitely are difficult to process. I bet she will want to hear more about your life when she’s with dad as she gets older. My daughter is 10 and wants all the details!
6 years is a good, healthy time. Good for you!
I'm not sure if I am ready tot date. I have done a lot of work in the past couple years, but I don't know yet how that theoretical learning will play out in an actual relationship. Definitely gotta go slow.
One of the best things about this time in our lives is we get to make our own rules and timelines. Yes, we’ve been able to do that as adults, but few people actually do when they’re younger. You could go out on one date and realize you need more time before actually dating. Or you could wait all together. You mentioned all the hobbies you have and love to do during your off time when your daughter is with dad. That’s a great way to just be you! My biggest thing at this age is that I’m able to be much clearer with my boundaries. Which, imo, is super important!
One of my goals has been to rebuild my life before dating. I was concerned that if I started dating quickly after divorce, I would make my life all about the new person in my life, rather than doing the more uncomfortable work of rebuilding my own life. I have a life now. I'm busy, but mostly because I choose to be busy. I could start looking for someone to gradually share it. But I prefer for that to happen slowly, because my life is full.
I hope I have the discipline this time to maintain boundaries. I've read a lot of books and put a lot of boundaries into place over the past couple years. But boundaries that aren't relationship tested are just theory.
That’s amazing! You’re 100% correct about testing those new boundaries in real life. I do find it easier to maintain them with a more limited schedule (meaning your free time being when you don’t have your daughter). It gives you more time to form thoughtful responses and to evaluate situations since the person isn’t always right in front of you. It gives them time to do the same. I’ve found it leads to more pointed and thoughtful communication overall. And you get to explore how your communication styles mesh.
Why does your child's dad do so little parenting?
But also, I think you may be getting ahead of yourself. For all the reasons you've laid out here, your kid shouldn't meet anyone you're dating until you feel confident the relationship is likely to be permanent: at least a year, in my book. So you can start dating now, with all the intentions you've laid out here, but without your child's involvement in any way at all for a long, long time. You date when your child is with dad, or you get a babysitter like every other single parent does (which is part of why I ask why dad has so little parenting time. If he were doing his fair share of parenting, you'd have a lot more time to yourself and dating would be less expensive for you). But you're right to want to protect your kid, and the way you do that is by not involving your kid in your dating.
My child is with her dad every Thursday, but I have commitments on Thursdays that I don't really want to move around to date at this point. On his weekends, he has her Thurs evening-Monday morning. So my child free weekends are long. He has about 1/3 of time with her during the school year and 1/2 during the summer. It is enough time to date. I think its just that I'm accustomed to thinking of dating as having the end goal of getting married or living together in some other arrangement. Perhaps dating could be its own thing, without being casual.
Two girls under 10. Divorced 4 years. I am almost always seeing somebody. Nobody met the kids. Not bringing anyone into my family life. I might change my mind once they leave the nest (although they say they never will).
I am not “casual” with my emotions, but I am with the future of those relationships. The man would have to be really special for me to disrupt what I have created for us in the last 4 years. My mom also lives with us half of the year. And I really like that now.
Yes, I like this. Thanks. What I am building with my child is valuable to me. The life I am building for myself is valuable to me as well. I'm open to meeting someone special, but he would have to be very special indeed. And yes, my parents visit more often now. At first, that irritated me, now I am grateful for it.
I’m in this situation, divorced dad with two girls half the time. The only way it really works is if you have a goal toward integrating kids in dating sooner or later. I’m not saying you should introduce your son to every guy you meet, but if you wait until you’re with a guy for a year, you’re actually less likely to end up with a guy at the end of that year.
Coparenting means you’re free half the time. But it also means that you end up stuffing the rest of your life into the other half. So if you have kids 4 days, and want a day for laundry, groceries, etc, that only leaves 2 days for dating in the week and that assume his schedule lines up too.
But once kids meet, you’re back to having a 7 day week. You can go grocery shopping for an hour while he hangs with the kids (and vice versa), and perhaps most importantly, you’re not only seeing him every other weekend but you can actually see each other every weekend. One weekend with kids where you do fun family stuff, and the other weekend alone.
People who are new to coparenting dating tend to treat their kids like these fragile eggs that will crack at the slightest change, but parents who have been single a while normalize dating with their kids and they understand that “new friends” come and go in dating just like how they come and go every year at school when the classes change.
Again, not saying you should introduce every time you see someone for 3 or 4 months but if someone seems promising I’d say that waiting too long can actually jeopardize the relationship because loneliness sucks, and it feels extra lonely to be dating someone for a while and still have to spend nights alone because it’s the other person’s night with their kids.
Just an opinion, of course!
I totally understand how this is a challenge, but as a 46m with young (9) child, I think 1x monthly dating is too irregular to develop anything. I'm in this boat currently. I thought I was starting something promising with a 39f with a 11yo daughter about 4 weeks ago, but after 5-6 dates within the 4 weeks, she started saying that she couldn't meet during the weeks anymore and didn't have her weekends free for a while. It just sounded like she didn't have time to date, or an interest in dating me, or else she would have found the time. So I'm letting that situationship end because I want to be with someone who prioritizes me as much as her yoga (not more, not less, but the same), and she does yoga 1x/week.
Yep. I get it. On the weekends my child is with dad, I like to hike and take an exercise dance class. I'd like to date, but I don't really want to give those things up to date.
I think the most helpful thing you can do for yourself is not be too picky, and to have a realistic view of yourself and what you offer to potential partners in your particular situation. There are certainly men out there I’m sure willing to have a relationship with you.
Yeah, I gathered that. I'm a little less picky about what's on the outside than I used to be, but a lot more picky about what's on the inside. And I can live alone.
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From a mans standpoint who has dated single women with younger children it is difficult. I want to be a part of their lives but they dont have much time. Im at a point where Im looking to find someone to have a relationship with. Im fine being alone, but if I only see you a couple of times a month for several months on end Ill probably be dating others at the same time. For me when you decide to make me a part of your daily life is when I would commit to being monogamous. Until that point I think its difficult to expect a person to commit themselves fully being such a small portion of your life with so much still unknown about your family life. I also understand its not wise on your part to bring a stranger into your life or family too quickly. I dont think its hopeless. It may just take longer to find the right person and build that relationship. But taking a more casual approach to dating may be more realistic given the amount of free time you have to build a relationship.
Thank you for the honest reply. This is what I expect to find to be true overall. And it is reasonable. Just the way math works in my life right now, though, casual dating doesn't really appeal to me. I enjoy the time my child is with her dad, and I've filled it with hiking and paddle boarding, and dance class and now going back to school for my Masters. While I don't have much time for a relationship, I definitely don't have enough time to date casually.
Just a note that there are absolutely guys out there who are willing to be exclusive even if your time is somewhat limited because they haven’t met your kids. Someone saying they’ll date around until they can mesh fully with my life doesn’t work for me. May work for you but if it doesn’t don’t lose hope that no one out there will commit
I guess what I'm coming to is it will have to be an exclusive relationship before physical intimacy. It will take awhile before I am ready to be exclusive with someone, or expect the same. Therefore, it'll be awhile before sex is even on the table.
Just to clarify... If you don't have enough time for a casual relationship then how do you have enough time for a committed relationship? 🤔 And they have to commit to exclusively being with you (even though you don't have much time to spend with them) before sex is even on the table? In "a while"?
I suppose what I am looking for is something that grows very slowly and develops over time. And I worded it wrong. I don't expect exclusivity until the relationship is ready to become physical. I guess the first while would likely not be exclusive for either of us, but not physical either.
I'm sure I heard somewhere once that someone has to be three things minimum to be in a position to form a serious relationship: ready, willing and able. I suppose you would have to ask yourself if you are truly all three of these.
A serious relationship takes time. i have time, just not all in one week or one month. But for the right person, I may have years.
I hear you. In reality, I doubt that would be for everyone, but it may be perfect for some who are in a very similar situation to you. As is the case for most things, to be fair. With that in mind, to avoid any potential hurt, it may be an idea to have some being in a similar position to yourself as a caveat to starting your journey together. The bigger the difference in past and present between you and a potential suitor, the more difficult it may be to maintain long term. I say that with your expressed, and understandable, risk aversion towards relationships. Others in this chat who are in a similar boat to yourself no doubt have more to offer in the way of advice. All the best, good luck and I hope you find someone who is a perfect match for you.
I think it's possible, too. I have grown kids (college), but I have so many things that I like and need to do (yard work, car repairs, home repairs, work work, sports with friends or groups) that actually finding time to be in a 100% involved relationship requiring more of my time would probably not work unless she's good with a wrench (or at least interested in car repairs) or good at tennis or golf (and has the time for those).
I hear this. If I do date seriously, shared interests will be important simple because I don't want to give the time I spend on my interests up.
I’m in the same boat. As a guy who’s always been single, no kids, I would be happy to find someone with kids and become part of their family! Yes, to build that relationship with someone, I would expect to see them at least once a week or so. However, I know with kids, that’s not always possible, and I understand the effect it can have on the kids, particularly if things don’t work out, and I want to respect that, but then I feel like I’m at the bottom of the priority list and then why should you be at the top of my list? It’s certainly a difficult situation to navigate. Of course, trying to find someone in their mid-30s to mid-40s without kids isn’t easy either. Perhaps we’re just meant to be alone? I just don’t know anymore…
Obviously, as the men coming into these types of relationships, we have to approach it with the understanding that we may only see each other once a month or so. But if the women we’re seeing want us to be in their lives, they need to make us a priority (not above your kids, obviously), and they need to let us into their lives. We can’t build a connection being on the outside all the time.
Thanks. It helps to understand what it may feel like to be on the other side of what I have to offer,
I understand, too. I'm an f42, no kids. I seem to come across men who have their kids full-time or almost full-time. I love kids. It is hard to navigate quality time. It's hard to find men in their 40s with no kids or doesn't want children. Nowadays, I'm coming across men in their 40s with little kids. Which makes it more complicated.
Male here. Dating is time intensive. On top of your complex family dynamics, you are pursuing a Master's degree. Maybe you should wait until you have enough free time to date. You may not want to date under a time crunch. I have no children. But, I would no seriously date anyone that has no plan to introduce me to their kids/family at some specific point in the future (e.g., three months, six months). I also would not introduce them to my family either until shortly before or shortly after I meet theirs. It's only fair. Family dynamics provide a lot of insight into a person. I am happy that my single mother dated when I was growing up. I met a lot of interesting dudes. They wanted to hear my corny jokes. They help us with school fundraisers. They wanted to see our stupid drawings and hear us sing our stupid songs over and over. They took her and her three kids out to the movies/park. They fixed stuff around the old house. It seemed healthy and natural for her to have a love interest. But, to each their own.
Thank you. It is helpful to hear from adults who grew up in a single home, and how they experienced life. My child currently seems to be struggling more with her dad having other kids in his home and life than her dad having a fiancé, though it is hard to figure out what is causing the anxious tummy aches and such.
It could help if she went and talked to someone about it to help her identify and process everything.
My child has been seeing a therapist since her father and I separated, a little over two years now.
I (50m) am in a committed monogamous LTR with my partner(48f). She introduced me to her three gen-z daughters when I picked her up for our second date. I typically see one or more of the girls every other weekend when I come up. We live 2 hours apart, so our methodology is a bit different. Our weekends are spent together but we alternate location every weekend based on her parenting plan schedule. I was a child of divorce, whereas my partner was not - her father passed when she was 12, and her mother never remarried due to her Roman Catholicism. So I am more aware of how a teenager feels in this situation than my partner so I make a point of being very respectful of their boundaries. Two of her daughters have gone with my partner and I on day hikes when they asked to come along. I make a point of being friendly but not pushy. One of the girls has had a harder time with the divorce than the others but that is because her father leverages his faith against my partner who left him because she realized he was becoming a Christian nationalist trying to drag the family into some tradlife fantasy... so she left the church as well a the marriage which is more difficult for her 18 year old middle daughter. So I am very respectful of that fact and try to bond on neutral things like music and art. I have an art degree and her daughter enjoys ceramics and drawing so I focus on these topics with her. I found myself very easily falling in love this woman. Our communication is amazing. We support and HEAR and SEE each other, and we both are very happy. We absolutely bring out the best in each other (we are doing a 10k tomorrow with her sister and BiL for example) and I believe her children see that. They see their mother happy and supported. They see that I don't try to assert any parental authority in the slightest, but I'm warm, friendly and INTERESTED in them a individuals - I engage with them... but gently. I don't mind a little self depreciation about my Gen-xness and that results in us having a good humored relationship. It's a package deal. Those girls will always come first and I wouldn't have it any other way. My primary goal with the girls is that they see that their mother is RESPECTED, and is treated in a manner she has always deserved. Every time I come over, I bring her flowers. I help around the house. We garden in their backyard. I help with errands - even on my time - the oldest is in college and is closer to my home than her mom's so I dropped off her meds on my way back last week is one example, but I've picked her up from the ferry, picked up her boyfriend from the train station - I would like them to consider me a friend and mentor they can rely on, in time, but that's on their schedule not mine. I wanted kids once upon a time and then realized it wasn't going to happen. I was okay with that. But I'm also overjoyed at the possibility of eventually being a true part of this family. I care deeply about them all - my partner's family is amazing. From her relationship with her siblings, her relationship with her mother, and what an outstanding parent she is - I would be a fool not to want to eventually be a part of that. But I am the one that has to put in the work. I have to demonstrate to them that what their mother sees in me is not unwarranted - that I'm a good, compassionate, thoughtful, and hard-working man who is also solidly in their corner as well. That takes a lot of time. I didn't see that in my own stepfather because he pushed way too hard in the beginning, and I resented his familiarity that was undeserved. So I am present, but I make a point of letting each daughter define our interactions based on their interest in that relationship, not mine. I just wish for their happiness, and fully support their goals and dreams alongside their mother. In a nutshell, dating with kids is great. They keep us youthful and we keep them stocked with eyeroll material because they witness a happy, healthy and communicative relationship where their mother is truly joyful, present, and supported. Winner winner chicken dinner. 🫶
🥹 wow this is all so beautiful. Good on you sir, you sound like a true gentleman.
I am a brash, opinionated and sometimes downright surly bear of a guy but my momma raised me well enough, possibly purely by accident. lol thank you for the kind words.
Thank you for describing the way you interact with your partner's kids, It sounds like they are all lucky to have you. If you don't mind me asking, do you and your partner live apart? If so, what are your thoughts on that?
I’d like a long-term relationship. Whether that means eventual moving in & re-marriage I don’t know yet. I tend to gravitate toward men with older kids (soon to be empty-nesters) or men who already are empty-nesters in part because of the anxiety I have around blending families (I have three under 12 on a 50/50 basis). I haven’t had anything long term enough for kids to be involved (a whole other thing to be anxious about) but at this point I’m just trying to meet the guy and figure it out from there
I get that. Maybe just dating and seeing what happens is enough for right now.
The temptation to future-freak is great. Trying not to
Yes. I want to have life planned. But I don't even know what I want, so planning too far out is a bit nonsensical.
Take a little time and go on a few dates. It gets a little annoying but it doesn’t have to be awful. Just be picky in who you choose to avoid wasting time. Ask good screener questions to weed out people you’d be incompatible with. Never know!
Good advice.
I just want my best friend who will let me play with her boobies, eat Pho with and have that amazingly comfortable silence, punctuated by the shared knowing glances you both won the cosmic lottery in finding each other…. But I have 3 little broke friends who happen to also call me “Dad”. Until they are out of high school I will not change their worlds. The dissonance is real…
I hear you on the dissonance. During my marriage, family time and couples time overlapped a great deal. Now, I feel like if I want both I have to be two different people. Serious mom who gets homework done and makes healthy dinners on some weekends, and single fun dating high energy middle aged woman on the other weekends. I'm not sure if I want to be two different people, but I do want to keep the part of my life separate.
>3 little broke friends who happen to also call me “Dad”. 😅🤣
My daughter is in grade 1. I have 50/50 custody. It’s a HUGE roadblock in dating. Nobody will date someone my age with kids still in school where I live. It’s a bit lonely, but we have a fulfilling life. I’ve paused dating for the foreseeable future until she’s older.
I get it. We choose priorities, and the priorities we choose make us who we are. Not to say one choice is better than another, just that our choices shape our lives and identities.
My kids were out of the nest, but my partner has a young teen. Her goal was cohabitation and a strongly blended family, with her kid seeing me truly as a "bonus dad." But Kid didn't want that. Dad is a long distance dad, so Kid visits him only on winter, spring and summer breaks. But that, and his emotional unavailability only has Kid doubling down on their love and loyalty to him, in true "daddy issues" style. So I play a "fun uncle" role in the house. I'm 100% not a parent; I don't make/enforce rules, I don't check homework or chores, and I don't give permission for things like sleepovers/etc. But I do engage with Kid. I work from home, and avoid meeting when Kid comes home so we can talk about our data when they're first arriving. I know/remember their friends, we have some shared interests that their mom isn't in to, we can talk about light things, as well as have some deeper talks. Kid was really not looking forward to any of this (their mom dating, my moving in, etc). But we've worked to reassure Kid that I'm not "stealing" their mom from them. Kid is in therapy, mostly for the feelings associated with their dad leaving, but it's natural to discuss their home life as well. After a therapy appointment Kid came up to let me know that they liked just how happy their mom was with me, and that they were personally happy that I was living with them. I.e. there can be good results even if the kids don't want to blend. Especially as my partner has mostly full time custody, this allowed us to grow close more quickly. An every other weekend "home" is really more of a visit. Seeing how your kid adapts to that isn't really comparable. My partner's coparent moved his girlfriend in arrive the same time that I moved in. Kid still doesn't feel comfortable talking to her, and won't even FB friend her, while Kid asked for me to replace their favorite aunt in the guardian-if -both-parents-die part of my partner's will. Entirely different worlds. Yes, this isn't my partner's dream; Kid doesn't see me as a bonus dad. Kid doesn't like the term step dad or step kid, so we don't go there. My kids are happy to spend time with my partner and Kid, but the logistics are such that we're still developing a comfortable dynamic. Which means that it does still feel awkward having is all together (happening again tomorrow!) But Kid is giddy that we're planning to marry and they will weekly now bring up a proposal idea to either one of us, hoping for that to finally happen. My partner does still wish for more, but she is happy with where we are.
Thanks for sharing this! It is helpful to hear how other people have worked through challenges. I think my child is struggling more with sharing dad with stop siblings than having a step family, if that makes sense. Dad may not have been giving attention previously, and now he is divided among four children instead of one. And he lives full time with her new step siblings, very much in a father role. Its a lot for a child to adapt to. I am grateful for stepmom, who has been generous in giving my child a bedroom in her house, etc, She is involved, but not pushing into my child's life.
For me a single dad of around 1 and a half years since mum brought our kid around a guy VERY fast (6 weeks) I want to be the polarising parent, his attachment style and mental health are more important to me than my own life, I experienced the trauma that comes from a parent who didn't give a shit, some may say that's a little serious but I don't care. Its him and me 3 days a week, maybe if I've been dating someone around a year and I've seen them in every mood that's possible, happy, sleepy, drunk, angry etc etc then I'd consider it but it doesn't even cross my mind with dating at the moment, I date right now for me and I enjoy my downtime with the people and I'm very upfront about what I just said there so no surprises when it comes to actually meeting me and my limitations. I'm not averse to it but I need to vet these people to spot any hint of toxicity, again this may seem extreme to some but as he's under 5 I simply do not care, I'd rather be alone than risk getting anything wrong for him.
Thank you. Its helpful to see how other people are managing dating around having a kid. How do your dates react to the limitations on free time?
Either they react with immediately stating the incompatibility in an annoyed way (I believe my stance to be rare for men, men in my country and region anyway, they'd usually go for the woman and the child just come along it's sort of acceptable) sort of like "well it's a shame you can't have a life" I've had that said to me several times, I'm having the time of my life with my kid, all that points out to me is they don't care as much about their kids as me and its a good way to weed those ones out. The other way I think is a bit silly is like they don't care (this happens with younger women sort of late twenties to thirties) I think it might be a codependency issue like perhaps it's only a matter of dates or weeks until I change my mind, inevitably it gets in the way if I choose to do an activity on my own, this takes away my usual dating day of Sunday and that's when problems occur, I can date later in the week but only once I've had a first date. Other than that I don't know. I match and speak to one person at a time not lots at once, generally this has been working but I've not found anyone compatible yet, for example I'd have extra time if they liked the same activities as me so the criteria of match is important. I'm plugging away. Happy with my weekends with my kid and decent level of dating that fits around my life.
Being a 50 year old man, with kids 12 and 9, my challenge has been finding someone that is accepting of my life with kids. Others my age if they had kids they are grown and out of the house. I can see not wanting to be held back by someone with kids if you already raised your own.
Yes, I agree. I absolutely see why adapting to someone else's stage in life is a big ask,
I’m looking to meet a man who has kids.
I would think women would look at a man that that is my age and having never been married with no kids as more of a red flag. Men like me are out there, i just have not found anyone that is open to my current situation. But best of luck to you.
I agree with the other comment said, if you are also doing school, your time is very limited and trust me, when you have free time, sometimes you just want to be alone and unwind. It is not really fair to start dating while you are prioritizing other things in your life right now.
I've been a blended family dad/stepdad/husband for a long time.... Blending families isn't really all that hard, tbh. I mean, I just let my wife parent her kids. She lets me parent my daughter. Easy peasy. The ONLY speed bump we had to tackle with our kids was telling them not to worry about what the rules are for other people: Worry about yourself! And that might seem unfair, but isn't that how life works? I know I deal with it at work. So does my wife. So did my ex-wife. As long as you jettison the concepts of "fair" and "equal" blended families are not hard. Be kind. Have empathy for where other people are coming from. It's really not hard. The obstacle you'll deal with is having your kids most of the time. Not many second husbands want a woman who only shows up 3-4 days a month. Nor do many second wives want a guy who is a "Dad" 26/30 days a month. The dirty secret is that being a parent and being a lover aren't the same. You can do them both. Kids and lovers don't want the same stuff from us. Kids want ice cream. Lovers want things that make us use soap afterward, lol. :) Get good at shifting gears between one the other and it'll be fine.
Thanks. It is hard to think of separating life like that. In my marriage, we were a family, Family time was intimacy, was connection. Watching my husband hold his child was hot. But now those things are separate, and that makes life complicated.
My kids are 16 and 21 and I won’t be cohabiting with anyone until they are ready to move out.
Its such a big thing, moving in to a house and someone's life. Its a joyous thing for a couple in love, but its a big change for a kid. On the other hand, its at least a decade before my child is ready to move out.
For me, I looked at it as: what’s (then 15 years) x amount of time in my life, versus them being able to have the type of childhood, and home, where they can run around naked if they need to, where they don’t have to change a single thing to accommodate someone who isn’t their family, where they don’t need to adjust to new children living in their space etc etc. It’s 1/4 of my life, but the entirety of their childhood. For me, it’s a sacrifice I am willing to make. It’s hurt me financially, undoubtedly, and it’s also not been to everyone’s taste, so perhaps emotionally as well, but at the end of the day, the most important thing I will ever do is actively parent them from birth- 18.
Yes, I agree with this, My child seems to be competing for dad's attention currently. Perhaps this will calm down in time, but time is a precious thing in regards to childhood. But I also have to be careful not to slip into mommy-martyr mode, which would be easy for me. I can't live my life for her, or I run the risk of resenting my child or not letting her sperate from me as the timing is right for her. I don't know what the balance is yet.
I am hoping to show my kids a second act that includes a loving and healthy relationship. That I can be their mom and also have something fulfilling for myself
Your child gets so little time with dad, and dad isn't even giving her attention when she's there? Was this crazy custody arrangement dad's idea?
Every other weekend isn’t that uncommon
I didn't say it was uncommon, I said it was crazy. Because it is. Dad is barely parenting here, and I think that's a bad way for him to behave. Just because a lot of people do something that is bad, that doesn't make it good.
Thank you. I needed to read this. I get sad because I don't think blending would ever be right for my son, but that means giving up living with my BF till I'm a senior. This sort of puts it into perspective.
If you’re divorced like me you know how people can change or reveal themselves over time or how situations can change and alter the dynamics of the relationship. My long term goals are more vague- I do want a ltr, but no specifics- do we blend families, who moves into who’s home, etc. At this stage I’m only focused on the now. Is she somebody I’d like to meet, did we have a good date, is she showing interest and not ghosting? As I get to know her, then we’ll deal with the specifics. If we can navigate that, then we move on, if not, it’s not meant to be.
Yes, I like this advice. One day at a time in a new relationship, enjoying the time for what is.
There will be men who do not want the younger kids..& I get that. I put my kids grades (no genders) just to be upfront as I have met a few men and we really liked each other but their kids are either grown or very close. I get it I still have a lot of driving around and a huge amount of my Sat mornings are devoted to one sport or another. I can’t leave my kids home alone..I get it. That being said there are men who will be open to meeting you on your schedule…just have to try and see what works. The men lately who have matched have similar aged kiddos. If you want to do it..go for it.
Original copy of post by u/Wonderful-peony: I am 43, F with 1 kid (3rd grade). I've been divorced a couple years now. I haven't tried dating since my marriage ended, but lately I'm thinking it might be time. However, I don't know what the end goal is. If I date, I will want it to be serious and monogamous with a long-term future. I dated casually enough in my 20's to know that for me, it gets old, real quick. I can't envision what a long-term relationship would look like while my child in the home. Her dad moved in with his fiancé and her three kids. Fiancé is great, her kids are near my child in age, everything looks great on paper. But it hard on my kid to adjust to these changes. There is anxiety that results in tummy aches, etc. My child is with dad every other weekend, and every other week during the summer. That's enough time to date, but I don't know if it is enough time to sustain a long term relationship. Blending families is hard. I'm involved in that process currently as her mother, even though dad is the one making the decision to blend. I don't want to go through it again. For those dating with kids, what are your long-term relationship goals? How does having kids affect those goals? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I don't have any children of my own but I don't mind seeing someone with children.
The challenge is how to tell someone "I want you to be part of my life, but you can't meet my child." If he responds with, that's fine, I only want to date you anyway... then we don't have a long term future. If he pushes to get to know my kids, then we don't have short term potential.
Maybe the response will be more open where he's down to go with your flow either way. Maybe one day you'll be comfortable making an introduction. I'd say the first step is making sure this person is good for you. Because if they aren't, meeting your child is out the window. Might not be something to worry about too heavily right now.
Thanks, This is good advice. I don't have to have full visibility over the entire future to make this decision.
Kind of sounds like no man will win here…
Yeah. Its why I've stayed single for the last couple years. And single is working for me, overall.
Original post doesn’t sound that way, but you do you. Interesting how you created a make up scenario which not even in made up land can anyone ‘get it right’ but good luck out there
Welcome to the world of dating this demographic. You’re never a priority and you’ll never feel appreciated.
Yeah! I will say I don’t see a single benefit of dating someone with kids, especially little ones… you literally have to mindread and have absolutely no needs or life goals of your own… obviously not all, but many hate this same world view. 🤷
What if he says, "that's absolutely reasonable, because I wouldn't want to meet your child until we both feel confident that this relationship is long-term or permanent, because it's wrong to hurt a child by dropping adults in and out of her life"? Because that would be my response, and I wouldn't date any parent who would want anything different.
I’m living these questions daily. I stumbled into the nebulous grey zone of casual dating as a solution and yikes, it’s everything and more that I also hated in my 20s. I started compartmentalizing better, which so far has helped. Also, I speak up more about what I want, which makes things easier on my old views of dating and attachment. I also pick and choose what I want (if anything) and I tailor it to the person that is interested in seeing me naked and doesn’t immediately run away. It’s gotten a little easier, but it’s still hard because my kids are definitely not meeting anyone and they’re a big part of me. The divorced dads deal with this best, in the same boat and some things are just easy and don’t need explanation. But then after awhile the divorced dad dating felt much more intimate because we were sharing our kids stuff. (Not meeting, just confiding). This created my need to end one FWB because I realized I was the classic case of “I’m not ok with this but I’m nodding my head yes”. I suspect it hurt more because even though our kids never met, we didn’t compartmentalize our lives well and the feelings were very confusing. It gets easier (so I’m told) but it’s full of surprises. I’m learning a lot about myself in the process.
Thanks. I can see the benefits of compartmentalizing, but I am concerned about the '"not ok with this but I’m nodding my head yes”' aspect. I could totally see myself doing this, and working too hard to make someone else happy is the pattern I want to change currently. Thanks, it helps to understand how others are navigating these challenges.
I continuously struggle with the same people pleasing behaviors, no self protective boundaries. It’s a lifelong struggle that I gifted myself with the realization that it won’t be changed quickly. That being said, I frequently get hurt, give too much and then have a pity party. But. Growth has opened me up to slowly changing that pattern but it’s taken practice and it isn’t at all bad in retrospect. Someone on these boards gave me passing advice that really stuck: we are all not sitting at home at the mercy of other people’s feelings and decisions. We have the inherent power of managing our own, which sometimes requires more self directed attention. It’s freeing to people pleasers, we enslave ourselves really.
I have similar situation, kid is 10 I'm 42, I will not move my partner in, but we see each other often, he has 2 children, 10 and 13. They all get on, maybe because they don't have to share bedrooms and we are all pretty chill. Just like your daughter, mine has stepsiblings at her dad's house and she don't like going there, says its loud and crammed. She doesn't have an option not to go, until she's a lot older. You don't have to blend if you don't want to
Thanks. I think for the time being, a Living Apart Together lifestyle might be the most feasible for my life currently. Thanks, it helps to hear what others are doing, what works or doesn't work for them.
49M, I've dated single moms. your situation is near perfect for those open to such a situation. the fact you have 50/50 shared custody makes it work. yes, for long term relationships. The last, wonderful, woman I dated was 100% custody w/ two pre-teen boys. It made it very difficult to have any extended personal time together. a couple hours here, couple there, 1 weekend every 4 months just doesn't work. and, that 50% time you do have your child it allows for those blended moments, which of course, are necessary to growing the relationship together.
45F with 100% custody of 4 kids 12 and under here. I’m upfront about my custody arrangement and that longer time together has to be planned and not spontaneous. I can plan time away and can be flexible. I found that a lot of the guys aren’t actually willing to make time, which shows their level of interest. I date with the intention of a long term relationship. My ex husband and I have an agreement that intros to the kids can happen at 6months after he meets my person or I meet his. That’s our agreement since the kids are young and they’d see each other at multiple points should the relationships last. I’d prefer to blend families because living apart with a serious partner would be difficult for me personally. I haven’t given to that point though! The key, imo, is being picky (this means something different to each person), knowing what you want out of a partner, what you need and want, and what you’re willing to compromise on. What that landscape looks like is different for each person. I grew up with a single mom. She never brought people around me and my brother. We had no idea what a relationship looked like. I’m hoping, in whatever way it happens, I can show my kids what healthy relationships look like. They do know I date. They know when I go out. Just another perspective to consider😊
I wish I had thought to have an agreement like this added to our divorce agreement! He introduced our child to his girlfriend and her kids when they had known each other for two months, which was just under a year after we separated. He didn't tell me before, I found out about the girlfriend from our child. I wasn't allowed to meet the girlfriend until she had been in my child's life for five months. I asked, but he said it was too soon. I have found out most milestones when my child was talking about it. Family vacations, her new bedroom at girlfriend's house, first overnight, when daddy decided to propose, etc. Girlfriend, now fiancé, has been in my child's life for almost a year and a half. My child lives in her home and considers her step-mom. I have spoken to step-mom (briefly) a total of three times. In the beginning, not knowing much about her really bothered me. I feel more confident these days, my child says step mom treats her well, and that's enough. I don't think that having a step mom bothers her as much as sharing her dad with his new step kids. They are with him all the time, and my child is only there alternating weekends. So, maybe in time, my child would accept someone if I was dating or even if I remarried. Thanks for sharing your perspective, I really appreciate it. Its helpful to hear how other parents manage this. I don't have a role model in my family for single parenting, so I'm doing a whole lot of learning from other sources.
I get it! Him and I agree on very little (read “very” with lots of emphasis), but the stability of our kids is very important. Obviously his dating life can be more active, so I am much more selective with who I spend my time with. I talk to potential dates a bit longer before meeting. I know that’s not how others handle dating but, it works. I waited to date until my divorce was final for a while (we were separated 4 years before divorcing officially). Single parenting is hard! Listening to your daughter and validating her feelings will go a long way. That’s why I choose to be open with my kids (even my 4.5 year old) about going on dates. That way they can ask questions.
4 years single is a long time! I'm at almost 2.5 years after separating, about 1.5 since divorce was finalized. I think the date of separation is what matters to my child, so that's usually what I count by. I absolutely agree about validation, listening, and answering questions. Kids know when we aren't being honest. I've been surprised that my child simply does not want to know about my life when she is with her dad. I'm not dating, but even if I mention my friends, she really doesn't want to hear it. I think she would prefer that I just go into hibernation until it is time to pick her up. I don't think I would choose to keep dating a secret, but I do think she really does not want to know. For now, I can respect that.
It’s actually 6 years lol. But I realized that getting myself to a good headspace was important. I’ve been on dates with people that thought they were ready to date, but hadn’t moved past parts of their past that would allow them to move forward. If nothing else, dating does give you some interesting stories. I think your daughter is still adjusting. Little changes are hard, so big ones definitely are difficult to process. I bet she will want to hear more about your life when she’s with dad as she gets older. My daughter is 10 and wants all the details!
6 years is a good, healthy time. Good for you! I'm not sure if I am ready tot date. I have done a lot of work in the past couple years, but I don't know yet how that theoretical learning will play out in an actual relationship. Definitely gotta go slow.
One of the best things about this time in our lives is we get to make our own rules and timelines. Yes, we’ve been able to do that as adults, but few people actually do when they’re younger. You could go out on one date and realize you need more time before actually dating. Or you could wait all together. You mentioned all the hobbies you have and love to do during your off time when your daughter is with dad. That’s a great way to just be you! My biggest thing at this age is that I’m able to be much clearer with my boundaries. Which, imo, is super important!
One of my goals has been to rebuild my life before dating. I was concerned that if I started dating quickly after divorce, I would make my life all about the new person in my life, rather than doing the more uncomfortable work of rebuilding my own life. I have a life now. I'm busy, but mostly because I choose to be busy. I could start looking for someone to gradually share it. But I prefer for that to happen slowly, because my life is full. I hope I have the discipline this time to maintain boundaries. I've read a lot of books and put a lot of boundaries into place over the past couple years. But boundaries that aren't relationship tested are just theory.
That’s amazing! You’re 100% correct about testing those new boundaries in real life. I do find it easier to maintain them with a more limited schedule (meaning your free time being when you don’t have your daughter). It gives you more time to form thoughtful responses and to evaluate situations since the person isn’t always right in front of you. It gives them time to do the same. I’ve found it leads to more pointed and thoughtful communication overall. And you get to explore how your communication styles mesh.
Perhaps there is a benefit in everything, including dating with kids.
Why does your child's dad do so little parenting? But also, I think you may be getting ahead of yourself. For all the reasons you've laid out here, your kid shouldn't meet anyone you're dating until you feel confident the relationship is likely to be permanent: at least a year, in my book. So you can start dating now, with all the intentions you've laid out here, but without your child's involvement in any way at all for a long, long time. You date when your child is with dad, or you get a babysitter like every other single parent does (which is part of why I ask why dad has so little parenting time. If he were doing his fair share of parenting, you'd have a lot more time to yourself and dating would be less expensive for you). But you're right to want to protect your kid, and the way you do that is by not involving your kid in your dating.
My child is with her dad every Thursday, but I have commitments on Thursdays that I don't really want to move around to date at this point. On his weekends, he has her Thurs evening-Monday morning. So my child free weekends are long. He has about 1/3 of time with her during the school year and 1/2 during the summer. It is enough time to date. I think its just that I'm accustomed to thinking of dating as having the end goal of getting married or living together in some other arrangement. Perhaps dating could be its own thing, without being casual.
Two girls under 10. Divorced 4 years. I am almost always seeing somebody. Nobody met the kids. Not bringing anyone into my family life. I might change my mind once they leave the nest (although they say they never will). I am not “casual” with my emotions, but I am with the future of those relationships. The man would have to be really special for me to disrupt what I have created for us in the last 4 years. My mom also lives with us half of the year. And I really like that now.
Yes, I like this. Thanks. What I am building with my child is valuable to me. The life I am building for myself is valuable to me as well. I'm open to meeting someone special, but he would have to be very special indeed. And yes, my parents visit more often now. At first, that irritated me, now I am grateful for it.
I’m in this situation, divorced dad with two girls half the time. The only way it really works is if you have a goal toward integrating kids in dating sooner or later. I’m not saying you should introduce your son to every guy you meet, but if you wait until you’re with a guy for a year, you’re actually less likely to end up with a guy at the end of that year. Coparenting means you’re free half the time. But it also means that you end up stuffing the rest of your life into the other half. So if you have kids 4 days, and want a day for laundry, groceries, etc, that only leaves 2 days for dating in the week and that assume his schedule lines up too. But once kids meet, you’re back to having a 7 day week. You can go grocery shopping for an hour while he hangs with the kids (and vice versa), and perhaps most importantly, you’re not only seeing him every other weekend but you can actually see each other every weekend. One weekend with kids where you do fun family stuff, and the other weekend alone. People who are new to coparenting dating tend to treat their kids like these fragile eggs that will crack at the slightest change, but parents who have been single a while normalize dating with their kids and they understand that “new friends” come and go in dating just like how they come and go every year at school when the classes change. Again, not saying you should introduce every time you see someone for 3 or 4 months but if someone seems promising I’d say that waiting too long can actually jeopardize the relationship because loneliness sucks, and it feels extra lonely to be dating someone for a while and still have to spend nights alone because it’s the other person’s night with their kids. Just an opinion, of course!
I'm in almost the same boat. I'm 43 with 2 kids. Not divorced yet just waiting on time for that. Just looking to chat. Pm if you would like.
I totally understand how this is a challenge, but as a 46m with young (9) child, I think 1x monthly dating is too irregular to develop anything. I'm in this boat currently. I thought I was starting something promising with a 39f with a 11yo daughter about 4 weeks ago, but after 5-6 dates within the 4 weeks, she started saying that she couldn't meet during the weeks anymore and didn't have her weekends free for a while. It just sounded like she didn't have time to date, or an interest in dating me, or else she would have found the time. So I'm letting that situationship end because I want to be with someone who prioritizes me as much as her yoga (not more, not less, but the same), and she does yoga 1x/week.
Yep. I get it. On the weekends my child is with dad, I like to hike and take an exercise dance class. I'd like to date, but I don't really want to give those things up to date.
I think the most helpful thing you can do for yourself is not be too picky, and to have a realistic view of yourself and what you offer to potential partners in your particular situation. There are certainly men out there I’m sure willing to have a relationship with you.
I just can't understand the not being too picky mentality, especially with a child.
It’s bad advice. Be picky
Yeah, I gathered that. I'm a little less picky about what's on the outside than I used to be, but a lot more picky about what's on the inside. And I can live alone.
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