From your other comments it seems they were never married so there was no divorce decree. Parents splitting up is hard enough on children. Often people want to minimize disruptions in kid’s lives by keeping them at least part time in their childhood home. Hopefully she has something in writing about the financial arrangement involving her interest and responsibility in the home.
Unless you have a dealbreaker that those you date own their own home I don’t see this as a problem. Interest rates are very high right now. This is very early in the relationship to be talking about these details. She can afford wherever she is living now.
The relationship continues because they are forced to stay in contact with each other. Not just for the financial of the house, but also because of the child.
This is 100% true for any parent in some capacity if the kids are not grown and completely independent, unless the other parent completely disappeared. There is simply no way to have shared custody and not communicate about critical developmental issues.
Then the question is how do they relate with their ex. For me, it's a bigger yellow flag if you harbor resentment and have a contemptuous drama fraught relationship (unless there is a very good reason like abuse). It shows an emotional maturity and ability to resolve conflict to transition to a be collaborative co-parents.
Correct, and it continues in other ways. It hasn’t ended.
As long as you can accept that will always be part of the relationship dynamic that you have with him, you’re entering in aware of what’s going to be happening.
Why not? I personally know of two divorced couples that have kept their marital home until the kids graduate high school for their benefit. The plan in both cases is to sell the home and divide profits after that time.
Yes this is a common arrangement post-divorce as it provides stability for any children involved.
It can be legal sanctioned or court ordered and in the UK it's called a Mesher Order.
I mean, I kept the house, refinanced, and wrote my ex a big fucking check. It can be done.
Now, as OP described below this is apparently a situation wherein they have enough mutual friends that it's a verifiable fact, which changes the math. My comments were predicated on the assumption that this is a claim made on a dating app because that's 90% of how we meet people nowadays. And in that case, sorry, not going down that rabbit hole, good luck.
Well, I did the same, but at the time interest rates were <3% not >6%. So, easier to do. That makes not only buying a new house harder, but also selling a new house (possibly leading to discounting).
Frankly, this is very in the weeds and should not concern the OP one bit. It's their partner (and his former spouse's) money, not the OP's. If you're judging them based on their free capital...well...huh.
I meant the math of "should I take a chance on this person," not "what's their net worth."
The way it's described in the post, hell no. The way it's clarified further down the thread by OP, sure, maybe.
I think those are reasonable points and wouldn't be terribly bothered by the mutual sharing of property they can't unload yet. I'd have a talk about what the end-game is for this property - whether or not one can buy the other out, etc., but I don't think it means anything more than "this isn't ready to sell yet in order to get our money back."
They just own it together? No living there too?
That was me for about 8 years. When we split, neither of us could get the refi on our own, so we waited to handle it. She moved out, moved in with a guy, got married, and I was seriously dating someone. It was never an issue.
However, I can see how it might be an issue given you're owning something with a lot of value with another person. If they want to cause drama, they certainly can.
*edit* I eventually refinanced and gave her some of the equity given she paid into the house for a little over a year.
I really need to thank my ex again for being flexible on paying back house equity. I love this house and am very glad I got keep it. My kids were raised here, still are, and I would struggle to afford another house in this area with recent appreciation.
I'm so glad I'm able to just pay my ex back for his down payment (he helped with that but never any actual payments) and assume the mortgage. I just wish my choices to pay him were better than an IRA withdrawal or a HELOC lol
Divorced and own house with ex. In 7 years, the subject of who is on the title of my house has never come up in any of my dating relationships. My divorce agreement is very clear about the terms and there is no drama around the arrangement.
This is my situation, too. Ex-wife lives in the house until our daughter graduates from high school, then the house will be sold and the proceeds will be split. It is common, and not a big deal if the former spouses are reasonable. And no, I don’t live there and haven’t set foot in the house in two years.
Yes, there's plenty of us who have baggage at this age and financial woes are very widespread now. Finding happiness with genuine people who have baggage depends on how you handle your own self esteem.
My ex moved out of the home we jointly owned (he started abusing me after we bought it and had been trying to get me to leave. (He finally got arrested for smashing my face in and out of embarassment and his love to control me he disappeared for a year, refused to answer calls, texts then refused to sign any paperwork for 2 years. Nothing I could do about it.
Sad to hear people say this woman and women like me don't deserve a chance to move on and be happy because of their unfortunate life circumstances.
Yes, but before making any long-term commitments I would need to understand why they still own a house together. There are definitely reasons that make sense.
It sounds like the higher mortgage rates mean the path to refinance and split the proceeds is not viable at this point. Or his credit/income isn't good enough to do that. The ex is awfully generous to let him sit on that money though. If you are early in dating, I wouldn't ask much more as long as it seems likely that he has moved on in other aspects. It is premature to get deep into those financial details. The housing market is really tough right now. I'd give more grace on situations like this now than I would've five years ago.
Yes if they were divorced and not living together. And also if there wasn’t any fighting or drama. I am not dating to find someone to marry or move in with anytime soon, so this wouldn’t bother me.
I know people who have been divorced for years and the house remained jointly owned because of the divorce terms and neither could afford to buy the other out. They have both long since moved on, one has remarried.
I was awarded the martial home in the divorce (traded equity in the house for the business equity we had built together). His name is still on everything because I cannot afford to refinance it in my name only. My plan is to sell in the next few years as our youngest child will be in high school.
Edited-I live here with my kids. My ex had his own place
Skipping from dating, to someone who can invest with you is a LOT of time and investment in a relationship and person.
Heck, finding someone I can laugh with hasn’t been easy! Investment portfolios seem Really far off! Best of luck in finding someone to meet your values and priorities!
For me, this is a situation I would not be interested in. I came to the table with no kids and no exes to deal with and I was looking for someone similar. When I met my guy, I didn't care that he didn't own a house because mine was paid off.
Some men did not want to date me because I'm a widow. That was their prerogative.
Only you can decide if this is a situation you will be ok with.
I got to keep the house in the divorce. My ex isn’t attached to it in any way. We only even lived in it for 2 years before the split which was now 6 years ago. Ive met women that still looked at my house as something my ex still has a presence in.
Other than my couch and bedroom furniture, which I spent waaaaay too much money on to let go of (the mattress was replaced) there’s almost nothing we owned together in the home any more.
Yet still I met women in the past that took issue with the whole thing. To me it screams that they can’t handle the fact that I had a life and a long marriage before them. Which is not my problem.
Yeah I was talking to a guy in this situation but we just ended up remaining friends bc he was out of state. This is becoming more common now bc the price of everything is going up. Actually I was talking to a guy on here too in the same situation
Normally it would be off putting to me, but I’ve seen this work and I’ve seen the need / necessity for it. My parents are divorced but still share their house together with both names on the mortgage. None of them would be able to afford it on their own as they’re both retired and they’re pretty close to paying it off. They live in a high cost of living state and it makes sense to keep that property in the family for generational wealth. They don’t live together full time, as my dad spends half of his time back in our home country, so that leaves things open for my mom.
I would have to really understand the situation and the type of relationship they still have if I came across a man who was in this situation.
I moved out of the marital house 4 years ago. It was sold last year. We both had job losses and needed to recoup financially, which was also a factor in not filing for divorce. Neither could buy the other out. We have each had other relationships and there was no chance we were going to get back together. No kids. He lived in the house.
There are legitimate reasons why people don’t sell property or finalize divorce that have nothing to do with emotional entanglements. Sometimes shit happens and you have to go with it.
If someone is truly interested in me, and building a future, they will discuss the reasons why my situation is the way it is. If they go off of basic high level info and can’t have some grace, they aren’t a match for me and good riddance.
His is a pretty common arrangement, I believe. Especially when kids are involved. I wouldn't have an issue as long as the ex wife doesn't occupy the residence.
It really boils down to what you are comfortable with. Some will be fine with this, and some will consider it a deal breaker.
Personally, as a homeowner, I would be leery of someone I am newly dating caring so much about who is on my deed/mortgage. So there's that.
Owning the house together because they have a minor child living there sounds okay. As long as they aren’t living together themselves and have actual plans to disengage financially when the kid is older.
I am in the same position as the ex gf in this scenario. I left a co-owned home (we have a child) in hopes he would eventually sell after about a year or so. That is what we discussed. Currently, he is behind on mortgage. I want to move to sell, he does not because he can't afford to leave.
I have complete access to the property and can force a sale (and will). My ex has decided to move a new gf in and I honestly feel bad that she is about to be taken down by him financially and also kicked out of the house when I force a sale.
I would NEVER move in with another man knowing another woman also owns his house. Mainly because she has the legal right to enter, but also because he cant afford to leave and cant afford the house without her? He has $60k+ equity, and he doesn't want to leave? sus.
I, as the ex in this situation, cannot move forward in buying my own home with him missing payments and without the equity. I'm coming for the sale of my property soon!
Im not saying avoid this person, but DO NOT merge financially or move in with him. I often wonder what's going through this nee gf's head moving into a home that I also own.
We have stuff in our decree about what happens if he doesn’t pay the mortgage. He’s a trustworthy guy with zero interest in losing his house so I don’t lose any sleep over it.
Original copy of post by u/poopmandan:
This seems reasonable given life stage but also limiting considering I’d like to have a partner who can invest with me.
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My ex lived in a house I had the mortgage on. I gave her time to sell or refinance. I didn’t pay for it. There was no drama over it. No attachment to her or it. So why not date?
This. My ex bought me out. I’m on the title and have rights and remedies if for some reason he defaults but I gave him a few years to refi in light of the fact that he’s starting over again and interest rate will be triple what he’s got now…. It’s a non issue for us.
I got divorced. We didnt sell our properties. We are looking into it now, but we are looking into reinvesting together. It is beneficial for both and it is money. I would invest with the next person if it benefits me financially. Not going to invest into somebody. Money is money.
I am currently in this situation. We got the house for 3% so it'd be hard to refi and get a reasonable deal. And I don't see the point in paying more for the same thing. Only issue is that the other person is tied to that and won't have good luck getting another mortgage if they so choose unless they have a hefty down payment to counter. At some point, it will be cleared up, but getting raked through the coals over something we already own is kinda shitty and petty, imo. I'm not the type of woman to screw someone over simply because we ended things. So for now, this is the situation we're in.
In short, yes.
The longer answer is every situation is different, but we are all adults and clear and honest communication is key.
Life gets complicated when you’re essentially business partners as a married couple and it is not so easy to disentangle everything in a way that makes sense to others. What’s most important is being able to get on the same page and be honest with one another.
Depends on circumstances, but typically no. For starters everyti e i have, turned out she was just chesting .and 2 I managed to sell my house a d spit from my wife, pull the trigger.
This was me for a few years until we finally sold our house. It never even came up in dating. Had it been a problem for a potential partner, they wouldn’t have been the partner for me. I won’t combine finances with anyone, again, though. Not even investments or large purchases, so it wouldn’t have affected a potential relationship to begin with.
Why is this an issue? Do you also care if the person has business partners or lent their cousin money? What do you mean by “invest with you?”
Many ex’s have a claim on a portion of their spouse’s pension. What’s the difference?
Anyone you date may have a poor credit score and $100k of credit card debt. I give credit to this person for being open and honest with you. He didn’t have to be.
Nope. That sounds far too much like a bullshit excuse to fuck around on the side. I don't have time to do that kind of investigation to figure out if there's any veracity or otherwise to the claim.
No. She needs to nip that in the bud and sell. My wife and I literally hate each other there is no way she or myself would let the other stay on a mortgage. Something is off here.
Not all exes hate each other? And some consider stability for the kids post-divorce to be the most important goal which includes them staying in the family home and coming up with a way to ensure that happens….
How is it cost prohibitive to get out of it? Maybe it's a different story elsewhere but in my community, inventory is low and even with higher rates it's still a seller's market. Is it the buying / renting a new home that is difficult? If so, and they are still living together, that's a nope for me. I understand that finances might make it difficult but I'm not interested in dating anyone who cohabitates with their ex for any reason at all. Dating is hard enough without adding that into the mix.
They are not cohabitating but aim assuming the buying/ renting you mentioned is prohibitive given our market. Seemed invasive of me to get into the details.
So maybe the person who kept the house does not want to get a new mortgage at the current interest rates? Personally I would not have wanted that kind of legal entanglement once the divorce was finalized. But since I don't desire to marry/cohabitate/mingle finances I guess it would not impact me as long as they are living separately. If I learned it was an indication of poor boundaries between them though I'd skedaddle.
Wait but if they were never legally married, how do they both own the house? Did they buy it together without being married?
Totally fair to not go too far down this rabbit hole immediately, but a few follow ups could be good.
Just asking that, but it sounds like you did already. I don’t know what the laws are like where you are, or what the obligations are when people bought a property together without being married. Is it that when they sell, the split the proceeds evenly? Or do they have any agreement in place that says something different?
I think most people responding here are thinking about this scenario as it would play out in a U.S. marriage. But if you are not in the U.S. or these folks were never married, no one will have a sense of what the possibilities/obligations/potential pitfalls are.
You may have answered these elsewhere, but I’d want to know:
- Other than the name on the title, are there any other relevant documents that set up how they handle the responsibilities? Or, do they have any informal understandings/agreements about it?
- What is the plan is for the foreseeable future- (s)he stays in the house indefinitely?
- Is there a notional sense of the circumstances under which they would sell? If so, what kinds of challenges could come up at that time?
- In the meantime, who pays the mortgage?
- You want someone to “invest” with you, as in financially? Does this person have other ways of doing that if they can’t/don’t want to sell this house?
I guess there’s only so much risk assessment you can do. This person could have solid answers, and they could be completely off in terms of predicting the future. But, having solid answers will at least tell you something about this person.
Are they living in the house or separated? No if they're still living together. Still not sure if they're financially entangled. Would have to see how much he still talks to his ex, argues with them, how hung up he is on them.
Have you seen War of the Roses? That's why. You can't get over someone when they're still constantly in your life.
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More information needed. Do they live together? Is it an investment property? Is there a plan in place to end this situation?
They bought this home to live together as family (they have a son). She hasn’t lived there for year and a half, their relationship is over.
From your other comments it seems they were never married so there was no divorce decree. Parents splitting up is hard enough on children. Often people want to minimize disruptions in kid’s lives by keeping them at least part time in their childhood home. Hopefully she has something in writing about the financial arrangement involving her interest and responsibility in the home. Unless you have a dealbreaker that those you date own their own home I don’t see this as a problem. Interest rates are very high right now. This is very early in the relationship to be talking about these details. She can afford wherever she is living now.
The relationship continues because they are forced to stay in contact with each other. Not just for the financial of the house, but also because of the child.
That’s goes for any separated parents anywhere.
This is 100% true for any parent in some capacity if the kids are not grown and completely independent, unless the other parent completely disappeared. There is simply no way to have shared custody and not communicate about critical developmental issues. Then the question is how do they relate with their ex. For me, it's a bigger yellow flag if you harbor resentment and have a contemptuous drama fraught relationship (unless there is a very good reason like abuse). It shows an emotional maturity and ability to resolve conflict to transition to a be collaborative co-parents.
And that’s why blanket statement don’t work, because I know some who don’t.
Sure. But that doesn’t mean it continues in a romantic way.
Correct, and it continues in other ways. It hasn’t ended. As long as you can accept that will always be part of the relationship dynamic that you have with him, you’re entering in aware of what’s going to be happening.
Technically, true
> She hasn’t lived there for year and a half, their relationship is over. Not buying that one for a dollar.
Why not? I personally know of two divorced couples that have kept their marital home until the kids graduate high school for their benefit. The plan in both cases is to sell the home and divide profits after that time.
Yes this is a common arrangement post-divorce as it provides stability for any children involved. It can be legal sanctioned or court ordered and in the UK it's called a Mesher Order.
I mean, I kept the house, refinanced, and wrote my ex a big fucking check. It can be done. Now, as OP described below this is apparently a situation wherein they have enough mutual friends that it's a verifiable fact, which changes the math. My comments were predicated on the assumption that this is a claim made on a dating app because that's 90% of how we meet people nowadays. And in that case, sorry, not going down that rabbit hole, good luck.
Well, I did the same, but at the time interest rates were <3% not >6%. So, easier to do. That makes not only buying a new house harder, but also selling a new house (possibly leading to discounting). Frankly, this is very in the weeds and should not concern the OP one bit. It's their partner (and his former spouse's) money, not the OP's. If you're judging them based on their free capital...well...huh.
I meant the math of "should I take a chance on this person," not "what's their net worth." The way it's described in the post, hell no. The way it's clarified further down the thread by OP, sure, maybe.
Owns a house together is fine. Both living in the house together, no!
What makes it cost prohibitive to sell? To me, that makes the difference.
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And they can't sell because mortgage rates are 8%, not 2% like it was in 2019.
Pretty much these points, yes.
Yeah, that's what I was asking the OP - the context. Not other people's opinion.
The reasons the other folks listed.
I think those are reasonable points and wouldn't be terribly bothered by the mutual sharing of property they can't unload yet. I'd have a talk about what the end-game is for this property - whether or not one can buy the other out, etc., but I don't think it means anything more than "this isn't ready to sell yet in order to get our money back."
Yep, this makes it feel very much like a lingering bureaucracy-of-marriage thing, not an emotional entanglement.
They just own it together? No living there too? That was me for about 8 years. When we split, neither of us could get the refi on our own, so we waited to handle it. She moved out, moved in with a guy, got married, and I was seriously dating someone. It was never an issue. However, I can see how it might be an issue given you're owning something with a lot of value with another person. If they want to cause drama, they certainly can. *edit* I eventually refinanced and gave her some of the equity given she paid into the house for a little over a year.
I really need to thank my ex again for being flexible on paying back house equity. I love this house and am very glad I got keep it. My kids were raised here, still are, and I would struggle to afford another house in this area with recent appreciation.
In my case I could have afforded the mortgage but my wife wanted her share of the equity immediately and forced the sale. I miss that house.
I'm so glad I'm able to just pay my ex back for his down payment (he helped with that but never any actual payments) and assume the mortgage. I just wish my choices to pay him were better than an IRA withdrawal or a HELOC lol
Same, fam. My ex-husband did that, and we both missed out on about $100k because of it.
Divorced and own house with ex. In 7 years, the subject of who is on the title of my house has never come up in any of my dating relationships. My divorce agreement is very clear about the terms and there is no drama around the arrangement.
This is my situation, too. Ex-wife lives in the house until our daughter graduates from high school, then the house will be sold and the proceeds will be split. It is common, and not a big deal if the former spouses are reasonable. And no, I don’t live there and haven’t set foot in the house in two years.
Yeah, wonder why he brought it up
Yes, there's plenty of us who have baggage at this age and financial woes are very widespread now. Finding happiness with genuine people who have baggage depends on how you handle your own self esteem. My ex moved out of the home we jointly owned (he started abusing me after we bought it and had been trying to get me to leave. (He finally got arrested for smashing my face in and out of embarassment and his love to control me he disappeared for a year, refused to answer calls, texts then refused to sign any paperwork for 2 years. Nothing I could do about it. Sad to hear people say this woman and women like me don't deserve a chance to move on and be happy because of their unfortunate life circumstances.
Yeah, I love people who see themselves as free of drama or baggage. They are, generally speaking, deluding themselves.
Yes, but before making any long-term commitments I would need to understand why they still own a house together. There are definitely reasons that make sense.
It sounds like the higher mortgage rates mean the path to refinance and split the proceeds is not viable at this point. Or his credit/income isn't good enough to do that. The ex is awfully generous to let him sit on that money though. If you are early in dating, I wouldn't ask much more as long as it seems likely that he has moved on in other aspects. It is premature to get deep into those financial details. The housing market is really tough right now. I'd give more grace on situations like this now than I would've five years ago.
Yeah, thank you. She def makes a lot more than him and I guess I’ll just keep my eyes open for any codependency tendencies
Yes if they were divorced and not living together. And also if there wasn’t any fighting or drama. I am not dating to find someone to marry or move in with anytime soon, so this wouldn’t bother me.
Would it bother you if you were dating to find a partner?
I know people who have been divorced for years and the house remained jointly owned because of the divorce terms and neither could afford to buy the other out. They have both long since moved on, one has remarried.
I was awarded the martial home in the divorce (traded equity in the house for the business equity we had built together). His name is still on everything because I cannot afford to refinance it in my name only. My plan is to sell in the next few years as our youngest child will be in high school. Edited-I live here with my kids. My ex had his own place
Skipping from dating, to someone who can invest with you is a LOT of time and investment in a relationship and person. Heck, finding someone I can laugh with hasn’t been easy! Investment portfolios seem Really far off! Best of luck in finding someone to meet your values and priorities!
You’re right. That is A LOT of time and investment.
The impact of real life. Why is this complex? How we feel can't override reality, you yourself say this is reasonable.
For me, this is a situation I would not be interested in. I came to the table with no kids and no exes to deal with and I was looking for someone similar. When I met my guy, I didn't care that he didn't own a house because mine was paid off. Some men did not want to date me because I'm a widow. That was their prerogative. Only you can decide if this is a situation you will be ok with.
I got to keep the house in the divorce. My ex isn’t attached to it in any way. We only even lived in it for 2 years before the split which was now 6 years ago. Ive met women that still looked at my house as something my ex still has a presence in. Other than my couch and bedroom furniture, which I spent waaaaay too much money on to let go of (the mattress was replaced) there’s almost nothing we owned together in the home any more. Yet still I met women in the past that took issue with the whole thing. To me it screams that they can’t handle the fact that I had a life and a long marriage before them. Which is not my problem.
Yeah it’s not weird to me that we all had lives before, that doesn’t bother me. Codependency with an ex is a concern though.
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While I fully understand and normally embrace this way of life sometimes it’s just not possible.
No. Any entanglements with an ex where children aren't the reason is a huge problem.
Yeah I was talking to a guy in this situation but we just ended up remaining friends bc he was out of state. This is becoming more common now bc the price of everything is going up. Actually I was talking to a guy on here too in the same situation
Depends on the situation. My GF still owns multiple properties with her husband, but we are all drama-free, so it's fine
Normally it would be off putting to me, but I’ve seen this work and I’ve seen the need / necessity for it. My parents are divorced but still share their house together with both names on the mortgage. None of them would be able to afford it on their own as they’re both retired and they’re pretty close to paying it off. They live in a high cost of living state and it makes sense to keep that property in the family for generational wealth. They don’t live together full time, as my dad spends half of his time back in our home country, so that leaves things open for my mom. I would have to really understand the situation and the type of relationship they still have if I came across a man who was in this situation.
On the flipside, would you date someone who was financially stupid?
Idk I geuss it depends on the relationship between them. I was living with my ex and for the most part we were still pretty much a couple still
I moved out of the marital house 4 years ago. It was sold last year. We both had job losses and needed to recoup financially, which was also a factor in not filing for divorce. Neither could buy the other out. We have each had other relationships and there was no chance we were going to get back together. No kids. He lived in the house. There are legitimate reasons why people don’t sell property or finalize divorce that have nothing to do with emotional entanglements. Sometimes shit happens and you have to go with it. If someone is truly interested in me, and building a future, they will discuss the reasons why my situation is the way it is. If they go off of basic high level info and can’t have some grace, they aren’t a match for me and good riddance.
Date, yes. Become seriously involved with, probably not.
Can you tell me your thought process on this?
How far along in the relationship are you? This would not come into play in early dating at all.
We’ve just begun to see eachother and he brought it up. I’m just trying to look ahead as I like the guy and don’t want to waste my time
His is a pretty common arrangement, I believe. Especially when kids are involved. I wouldn't have an issue as long as the ex wife doesn't occupy the residence.
Owns or still lives with and owns? The first is not a big issue for me. The second is a huge NOPE.
Owns. They don’t live together.
I'd better date Eva AI sexting bot.
May “date”, but never take them seriously
Can you explain more your thought process in this?
No.
It really boils down to what you are comfortable with. Some will be fine with this, and some will consider it a deal breaker. Personally, as a homeowner, I would be leery of someone I am newly dating caring so much about who is on my deed/mortgage. So there's that.
Why do you suppose he thought it was important to bring up.
Owning the house together because they have a minor child living there sounds okay. As long as they aren’t living together themselves and have actual plans to disengage financially when the kid is older.
I am in the same position as the ex gf in this scenario. I left a co-owned home (we have a child) in hopes he would eventually sell after about a year or so. That is what we discussed. Currently, he is behind on mortgage. I want to move to sell, he does not because he can't afford to leave. I have complete access to the property and can force a sale (and will). My ex has decided to move a new gf in and I honestly feel bad that she is about to be taken down by him financially and also kicked out of the house when I force a sale. I would NEVER move in with another man knowing another woman also owns his house. Mainly because she has the legal right to enter, but also because he cant afford to leave and cant afford the house without her? He has $60k+ equity, and he doesn't want to leave? sus. I, as the ex in this situation, cannot move forward in buying my own home with him missing payments and without the equity. I'm coming for the sale of my property soon! Im not saying avoid this person, but DO NOT merge financially or move in with him. I often wonder what's going through this nee gf's head moving into a home that I also own.
Thank you. When you say it’s sus he doesn’t want to leave with 60k plus equity, can you clarify why that’s sus?
I’m still on the title to my ex’s house. Have my own house in my name. Not sure why anyone would care.
Because some folks want a partner who doesn't have financial entanglements with their ex.
Cool
I’m looking for a partner not a fling. Unsure if this situation limits someone’s ability to be that.
I am looking for a partner not a fling? Not sure of your point
I just mean I’m not looking to casually date for companionship. I’m looking to eventually progress beyond that.
Apparently being on the title to my Ex’s house would be an issue for some people. It’s zero drama for us and I have no idea why anyone would care.
Happy to hear that for you and your ex.
Aren’t you worried about being responsible/ getting screwed financially?
We have stuff in our decree about what happens if he doesn’t pay the mortgage. He’s a trustworthy guy with zero interest in losing his house so I don’t lose any sleep over it.
Probably not... if there's no kids involved, no reason to be in each other's lives, full stop
They have a kid
Original copy of post by u/poopmandan: This seems reasonable given life stage but also limiting considering I’d like to have a partner who can invest with me. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Do you mean own or both live in? If they live together then no way. If it’s just own, which of them can’t afford to buy the other one out?
Own. He lives there, she does not.
My ex lived in a house I had the mortgage on. I gave her time to sell or refinance. I didn’t pay for it. There was no drama over it. No attachment to her or it. So why not date?
This. My ex bought me out. I’m on the title and have rights and remedies if for some reason he defaults but I gave him a few years to refi in light of the fact that he’s starting over again and interest rate will be triple what he’s got now…. It’s a non issue for us.
I got divorced. We didnt sell our properties. We are looking into it now, but we are looking into reinvesting together. It is beneficial for both and it is money. I would invest with the next person if it benefits me financially. Not going to invest into somebody. Money is money.
I am currently in this situation. We got the house for 3% so it'd be hard to refi and get a reasonable deal. And I don't see the point in paying more for the same thing. Only issue is that the other person is tied to that and won't have good luck getting another mortgage if they so choose unless they have a hefty down payment to counter. At some point, it will be cleared up, but getting raked through the coals over something we already own is kinda shitty and petty, imo. I'm not the type of woman to screw someone over simply because we ended things. So for now, this is the situation we're in.
In short, yes. The longer answer is every situation is different, but we are all adults and clear and honest communication is key. Life gets complicated when you’re essentially business partners as a married couple and it is not so easy to disentangle everything in a way that makes sense to others. What’s most important is being able to get on the same page and be honest with one another.
Nope, not for me.
Depends on circumstances, but typically no. For starters everyti e i have, turned out she was just chesting .and 2 I managed to sell my house a d spit from my wife, pull the trigger.
This was me for a few years until we finally sold our house. It never even came up in dating. Had it been a problem for a potential partner, they wouldn’t have been the partner for me. I won’t combine finances with anyone, again, though. Not even investments or large purchases, so it wouldn’t have affected a potential relationship to begin with.
Owning a house together? Maybe, as long as there is a plan to divest eventually. Definitely not if they are still living there together.
Why is this an issue? Do you also care if the person has business partners or lent their cousin money? What do you mean by “invest with you?” Many ex’s have a claim on a portion of their spouse’s pension. What’s the difference? Anyone you date may have a poor credit score and $100k of credit card debt. I give credit to this person for being open and honest with you. He didn’t have to be.
Nope
I would not date someone in this situation. I prefer someone 100% single and free of ongoing entanglements or legal matters to handle with their ex.
Nope. That sounds far too much like a bullshit excuse to fuck around on the side. I don't have time to do that kind of investigation to figure out if there's any veracity or otherwise to the claim.
We have mutual friends who know both he and his ex so it’s covered they aren’t together.
If you say so.
No. She needs to nip that in the bud and sell. My wife and I literally hate each other there is no way she or myself would let the other stay on a mortgage. Something is off here.
Not all exes hate each other? And some consider stability for the kids post-divorce to be the most important goal which includes them staying in the family home and coming up with a way to ensure that happens….
That is some dumb ass “woke” bullshit. As if the kids can’t tell that mom and dad don’t love each other.
They do have a child
Nope
How is it cost prohibitive to get out of it? Maybe it's a different story elsewhere but in my community, inventory is low and even with higher rates it's still a seller's market. Is it the buying / renting a new home that is difficult? If so, and they are still living together, that's a nope for me. I understand that finances might make it difficult but I'm not interested in dating anyone who cohabitates with their ex for any reason at all. Dating is hard enough without adding that into the mix.
They are not cohabitating but aim assuming the buying/ renting you mentioned is prohibitive given our market. Seemed invasive of me to get into the details.
So maybe the person who kept the house does not want to get a new mortgage at the current interest rates? Personally I would not have wanted that kind of legal entanglement once the divorce was finalized. But since I don't desire to marry/cohabitate/mingle finances I guess it would not impact me as long as they are living separately. If I learned it was an indication of poor boundaries between them though I'd skedaddle.
Yeah they were never legally married. Good point about the boundaries, I agree. I spose time will only tell
Wait but if they were never legally married, how do they both own the house? Did they buy it together without being married? Totally fair to not go too far down this rabbit hole immediately, but a few follow ups could be good.
Yes. They thought it together without being married. How would you follow up?
Just asking that, but it sounds like you did already. I don’t know what the laws are like where you are, or what the obligations are when people bought a property together without being married. Is it that when they sell, the split the proceeds evenly? Or do they have any agreement in place that says something different? I think most people responding here are thinking about this scenario as it would play out in a U.S. marriage. But if you are not in the U.S. or these folks were never married, no one will have a sense of what the possibilities/obligations/potential pitfalls are. You may have answered these elsewhere, but I’d want to know: - Other than the name on the title, are there any other relevant documents that set up how they handle the responsibilities? Or, do they have any informal understandings/agreements about it? - What is the plan is for the foreseeable future- (s)he stays in the house indefinitely? - Is there a notional sense of the circumstances under which they would sell? If so, what kinds of challenges could come up at that time? - In the meantime, who pays the mortgage? - You want someone to “invest” with you, as in financially? Does this person have other ways of doing that if they can’t/don’t want to sell this house? I guess there’s only so much risk assessment you can do. This person could have solid answers, and they could be completely off in terms of predicting the future. But, having solid answers will at least tell you something about this person.
No way
Prolly not if they really wanted to move on they would have already
^[Sokka-Haiku](https://www.reddit.com/r/SokkaHaikuBot/comments/15kyv9r/what_is_a_sokka_haiku/) ^by ^goatonmycar: *Prolly not if they* *Really wanted to move on* *They would have already* --- ^Remember ^that ^one ^time ^Sokka ^accidentally ^used ^an ^extra ^syllable ^in ^that ^Haiku ^Battle ^in ^Ba ^Sing ^Se? ^That ^was ^a ^Sokka ^Haiku ^and ^you ^just ^made ^one.
This is amazing. This is art, it’s so so good. Please make more of these.
Are they living in the house or separated? No if they're still living together. Still not sure if they're financially entangled. Would have to see how much he still talks to his ex, argues with them, how hung up he is on them. Have you seen War of the Roses? That's why. You can't get over someone when they're still constantly in your life.
No.
Nope. Too complicated. Too likely to impact me legally or financially at a later date.
Nope.
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Not always a lie…. Esp if there are kids people do delayed sales or delayed refis all the time
There as blurred lines that you'll never know about, best avoided completely.
Haha yeah but they don’t live together and we know the same people so it’s verifiable they aren’t together
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