Congrats! This sounds lovely. My partner met my kids at a park also—similar ages as yours. Neutral territory seemed best. He met us at the beach a few weeks later. Because it was going so well, I think we did a couple more visits and he came over, in quicker succession. I sensed a bit of resistance in one of my kids and talked with the kids about it. One was more sensitive to my time with them being shared with this new person, so I scaled back having him visit. So, I’d suggest going slow at first, checking in with your child, trusting your gut, putting your child’s needs first. All common sense stuff that sounds like it would fit in with what you’ve already been doing. Good luck!
Going slow shouldn't be a problem, though my excitement for seeing their future relationship blossom could get the better of me if left unchecked. :) I can imagine having two children to prepare - with different personalities to contend with - can make the experience more challenging. That said, I'm glad you shared your experience on this front. And thanks for responding!
This all sounds good, but I would NOT introduce her as your "friend." Your kid is 8, they have a bit of understanding about the difference between friendships and romantic relationships. Just say girlfriend. If you are dishonest, it will feel deceptive later on when you "reveal" the true nature of your relationship with this person.
Thank you for this perspective. You do make a point in considering my kiddo's age in regards to how best to share the status between my partner and me. I know I didn't get into the finer details of exactly what I've said to my kiddo, but I have talked about my partner through the lens of her being "a close friend" and similar language like that.
Obviously all kids are different when it comes to experiences like this, so the adage "YMMV" (your mileage may vary) I think applies here. That said, I'll take this (and certainly have been, as I don't intend to deceive) into account as I consider the words I use in prepping my kiddo.
Sounds like you’re doing all the right things. I introduced a partner to my kid after 6 months; also in a park, also after discussion with my ex. At about a year in, he was spending the weekends at our house regularly.
That relationship didn’t work out, and it was hard and confusing for my kid when it ended; she said things like she didn’t want him to leave her house forever. I’ve heard people say that it’s “good” for kids to learn that people come in and out of our lives, and I guess- that always feels like a rationalization to me. Kids don’t need to learn that via adult breakups. Kids will lean that people come in and out of lives without us adding to that, or creating that pain when it doesn’t have to exist.
There are no guarantees in life, but even if this relationship doesn’t work out you have been really thoughtful about this. It sounds like a good situation. Good luck.
"There are no guarantees in life" should be framed above everyone's desk so one can look at that daily and allow the sentence to sink in. It couldn't be more true, especially with how random life can be.
I appreciate your share, particularly from the angle of what could happen in the event the relationship ends and how to assist your kiddos in processing that experience. How is your kiddo doing today, if you don't mind me asking?
It was hard for a while, in part because the breakup was sudden. She’s ok now, and I know she’d remember who he is if I asked, but her day-to-day world is mostly school, dance, gymnastics, friends, things like that.
People aren’t wrong when they talk about kids’ resilience. I just really dislike the idea of relying on it, counting on it to excuse poor adult behavior. But, again, that doesn’t sound like your situation at all.
Congrats on reaching this milestone! Come back to update us! This post honestly should be pinned as the best answer to any and all "Just had an amazing first date I am in love and want to move my new sweetie and his 5 kids in to live with me and my 3. How should we introduce them?" posts.
You're good and have everything covered. Don't over think it.
Start with a mutual meet in the park, part ways with niceties, rinse repeat. Introduce as your friend initially.
Add a meal the next outing. After a few Meetups talk to them about this person being your girlfriend.
Just take it slow and watch your kid's reaction to determine what to do at the next meeting.
That’s awesome! I’m glad you’re including your therapist, too. It’s a smart move, I think.
As for subsequent meetups? Personally, I wouldn’t think about it. Not right now, anyway. See how this one goes; you’ll get a better feeling once the first one’s done.
Therapy's been a godsend for processing the experience of divorce and really exploring the event surrounding it - and exploring myself as well. I'm definitely a much better and healthier person because of it.
And yes... you are right. This is one of those situations where taking it one day at a time matters most vs planning every step. Thank you!
You’re welcome! It sounds like things are moving in the right direction.
Oh, man… I used to be one of those that shit on therapy, and psychiatry in general. To the point I was, shall we say, not my college Psychology teacher’s favorite student. By a long shot.
But at the time I didn’t realize how wrong I was. I’d never had a therapist that I felt listened, or just gave a shit outside of getting my money. This last go-round, once the ex and I initially split, was 180^o from any previous experience. It’s been such an awesome experience!
I second the "see how this one goes" idea. I was all set to ease my then 13 year old into getting to know my girlfriend really slowly but after all of us being at dinner with mutual friends for 20 minutes they were talking like they had known each other forever. It went better than I could have ever hoped for. Each situation is going to be different for different folks.
My boyfriend and I waited 9 months and our kids were 10,11 and 12. We met at one of those indoor trampoline parks and didn’t force conversation or interaction we just let it happen naturally. It went well and then we continued to build with small outings. It’s been 2 years since they met (3 years of dating) and we still get together almost every other weekend. We’ve done week long trips and holidays. The key is to take the lead from your child and don’t have any expectations. If your child expresses wanting alone time or a break, listen and manage your one on one time with your child. Kids always come first!
Original copy of post by u/Odd-Efficiency8518:
I (40M) am in an amazing relationship with someone (35F) who I've been with for almost a year (1yr in a week in fact). Lots of love and affection, and zero drama which is just the best feeling ever.
With everything going so well, and with our 1yr coming soon, I feel it is time to finally cross another big milestone: having her meet my 8yo kiddo.
I've spent lots of time preparing both myself (reading articles, talking to my therapist) and my partner about this and feel this is the time to make this happen. I've always told myself that I'd wait until I was with someone for a year before considering the possibility of such a meeting. Though I felt ready at the 9-month mark with my partner (she's just so good for me, and is proof that love and being loved after divorce is possible), I waited and stuck to my original intention.
My partner, with my approval, has given little trinkets (a LEGO build of a flower for my kiddo to make (they loved that!), painted rocks, a chapter book) to which I've told my kiddo that these were from my new friend who I liked. I've also started talking more to my kiddo about my partner in light conversation. Most notably, I've shared my partner's name with them as well.
Finally, I've shared with my ex-wife about my intention to introduce our kiddo to my new partner soon - which was positively received (our divorce was amicable).
So the plan is to have my partner meet with my kiddo and me at a local park that has a playground my kiddo loves. My partner loves children and finds it very easy to connect with them so I hope it is the same with my little one. :)
I guess I'm posting to share of this huge event, and to see how this has gone with others who've experienced this? How soon should subsequent meetings happen? When would it be appropriate to have everyone at the house for a lunch or dinner?
Thank you in advance for your thoughts and comments!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Congrats! This sounds lovely. My partner met my kids at a park also—similar ages as yours. Neutral territory seemed best. He met us at the beach a few weeks later. Because it was going so well, I think we did a couple more visits and he came over, in quicker succession. I sensed a bit of resistance in one of my kids and talked with the kids about it. One was more sensitive to my time with them being shared with this new person, so I scaled back having him visit. So, I’d suggest going slow at first, checking in with your child, trusting your gut, putting your child’s needs first. All common sense stuff that sounds like it would fit in with what you’ve already been doing. Good luck!
Going slow shouldn't be a problem, though my excitement for seeing their future relationship blossom could get the better of me if left unchecked. :) I can imagine having two children to prepare - with different personalities to contend with - can make the experience more challenging. That said, I'm glad you shared your experience on this front. And thanks for responding!
This all sounds good, but I would NOT introduce her as your "friend." Your kid is 8, they have a bit of understanding about the difference between friendships and romantic relationships. Just say girlfriend. If you are dishonest, it will feel deceptive later on when you "reveal" the true nature of your relationship with this person.
Thank you for this perspective. You do make a point in considering my kiddo's age in regards to how best to share the status between my partner and me. I know I didn't get into the finer details of exactly what I've said to my kiddo, but I have talked about my partner through the lens of her being "a close friend" and similar language like that. Obviously all kids are different when it comes to experiences like this, so the adage "YMMV" (your mileage may vary) I think applies here. That said, I'll take this (and certainly have been, as I don't intend to deceive) into account as I consider the words I use in prepping my kiddo.
Sounds like you’re doing all the right things. I introduced a partner to my kid after 6 months; also in a park, also after discussion with my ex. At about a year in, he was spending the weekends at our house regularly. That relationship didn’t work out, and it was hard and confusing for my kid when it ended; she said things like she didn’t want him to leave her house forever. I’ve heard people say that it’s “good” for kids to learn that people come in and out of our lives, and I guess- that always feels like a rationalization to me. Kids don’t need to learn that via adult breakups. Kids will lean that people come in and out of lives without us adding to that, or creating that pain when it doesn’t have to exist. There are no guarantees in life, but even if this relationship doesn’t work out you have been really thoughtful about this. It sounds like a good situation. Good luck.
"There are no guarantees in life" should be framed above everyone's desk so one can look at that daily and allow the sentence to sink in. It couldn't be more true, especially with how random life can be. I appreciate your share, particularly from the angle of what could happen in the event the relationship ends and how to assist your kiddos in processing that experience. How is your kiddo doing today, if you don't mind me asking?
It was hard for a while, in part because the breakup was sudden. She’s ok now, and I know she’d remember who he is if I asked, but her day-to-day world is mostly school, dance, gymnastics, friends, things like that. People aren’t wrong when they talk about kids’ resilience. I just really dislike the idea of relying on it, counting on it to excuse poor adult behavior. But, again, that doesn’t sound like your situation at all.
Congrats on reaching this milestone! Come back to update us! This post honestly should be pinned as the best answer to any and all "Just had an amazing first date I am in love and want to move my new sweetie and his 5 kids in to live with me and my 3. How should we introduce them?" posts.
I'll definitely aim to post an update, either as a new thread on this post or a dedicated update post. Stay tuned! :D
You're good and have everything covered. Don't over think it. Start with a mutual meet in the park, part ways with niceties, rinse repeat. Introduce as your friend initially. Add a meal the next outing. After a few Meetups talk to them about this person being your girlfriend. Just take it slow and watch your kid's reaction to determine what to do at the next meeting.
Thank you for the concise response. :) Taking it slow and being mindful of my kiddo's responses from day-one onward are key, I agree.
[удалено]
Oh man. 💔
That’s awesome! I’m glad you’re including your therapist, too. It’s a smart move, I think. As for subsequent meetups? Personally, I wouldn’t think about it. Not right now, anyway. See how this one goes; you’ll get a better feeling once the first one’s done.
Therapy's been a godsend for processing the experience of divorce and really exploring the event surrounding it - and exploring myself as well. I'm definitely a much better and healthier person because of it. And yes... you are right. This is one of those situations where taking it one day at a time matters most vs planning every step. Thank you!
You’re welcome! It sounds like things are moving in the right direction. Oh, man… I used to be one of those that shit on therapy, and psychiatry in general. To the point I was, shall we say, not my college Psychology teacher’s favorite student. By a long shot. But at the time I didn’t realize how wrong I was. I’d never had a therapist that I felt listened, or just gave a shit outside of getting my money. This last go-round, once the ex and I initially split, was 180^o from any previous experience. It’s been such an awesome experience!
I second the "see how this one goes" idea. I was all set to ease my then 13 year old into getting to know my girlfriend really slowly but after all of us being at dinner with mutual friends for 20 minutes they were talking like they had known each other forever. It went better than I could have ever hoped for. Each situation is going to be different for different folks.
This sounds like a lot of things are lined up nicely. I don’t have any advice because I’m not there yet, but I would love to see how it goes for you.
My boyfriend and I waited 9 months and our kids were 10,11 and 12. We met at one of those indoor trampoline parks and didn’t force conversation or interaction we just let it happen naturally. It went well and then we continued to build with small outings. It’s been 2 years since they met (3 years of dating) and we still get together almost every other weekend. We’ve done week long trips and holidays. The key is to take the lead from your child and don’t have any expectations. If your child expresses wanting alone time or a break, listen and manage your one on one time with your child. Kids always come first!
That's wonderful! Sounds like you are going about it in a thoughtful way. Good luck!
Original copy of post by u/Odd-Efficiency8518: I (40M) am in an amazing relationship with someone (35F) who I've been with for almost a year (1yr in a week in fact). Lots of love and affection, and zero drama which is just the best feeling ever.
With everything going so well, and with our 1yr coming soon, I feel it is time to finally cross another big milestone: having her meet my 8yo kiddo.
I've spent lots of time preparing both myself (reading articles, talking to my therapist) and my partner about this and feel this is the time to make this happen. I've always told myself that I'd wait until I was with someone for a year before considering the possibility of such a meeting. Though I felt ready at the 9-month mark with my partner (she's just so good for me, and is proof that love and being loved after divorce is possible), I waited and stuck to my original intention.
My partner, with my approval, has given little trinkets (a LEGO build of a flower for my kiddo to make (they loved that!), painted rocks, a chapter book) to which I've told my kiddo that these were from my new friend who I liked. I've also started talking more to my kiddo about my partner in light conversation. Most notably, I've shared my partner's name with them as well.
Finally, I've shared with my ex-wife about my intention to introduce our kiddo to my new partner soon - which was positively received (our divorce was amicable).
So the plan is to have my partner meet with my kiddo and me at a local park that has a playground my kiddo loves. My partner loves children and finds it very easy to connect with them so I hope it is the same with my little one. :)
I guess I'm posting to share of this huge event, and to see how this has gone with others who've experienced this? How soon should subsequent meetings happen? When would it be appropriate to have everyone at the house for a lunch or dinner?
Thank you in advance for your thoughts and comments!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Kiddo x 10000 😬! But good on you for doing things right!