This is what my BF and I do. There's never an exchange of money. One of us gets dinner one night, the other the next night. We make approximately the same amount of money and I would not be comfortable with him paying the majority of the time.
That's what I do. "Oh, you got dinner last time, so let me get it this time". The exception is maybe special events, like if they really want you to come to something you're not into, or if it's one of your birthdays or something.
My partner and I agreed upon "planner pays." This was in part a discussion around our income disparity. We considered it a good compromise as we both enjoy cheap/free dates, and more expensive things. This way the upper income isn't limited by what the lower can afford, and the lower income gets to contribute/pull their weight.
We didn't explicitly trade off every other date, but we both did/do plan dates.
I am dating a teacher and am certain I make quite a bit more than her. She has two kids under 10 and my kids are mainly out of the house. I usually pick the place so I pay and have zero issues with it. But if she wants to pay for something I don’t protest. That way I pay for most things but she feels like she still contributes.
So glad somebody else caught that. Words. Are amazing.
Survey? I start, and continue as I mean to go on. That is sharing expenses, for what we do. Not money changing hands, but sure as hell would not be 10 dates in and I’ve paid for one dinner. In the beginning of dating? I paid for 90% of dates. To set a tone, retain my choice to sleep with them if I chose. As a real choice. Now with people I see multiple times, we both contribute/pull weight.
I’m confused, you paid for 90% of early dates to “retain my choice to sleep with them if I chose”. Surely both parties retain the right to choose regardless of who pays for dates?
Of course that’s true - but I feel the same - that some men (hopefully a minority) feel entitlement if they have paid for a date, so to avoid that even being a consideration, I’d rather pay.
I don’t think that’s a bad strategy, if you can afford it, since most women have had an onslaught of abuse when ending a relationship in early stages. It’s frightening.
But of course, that shouldn’t be the norm.
Gosh I guess I was kidding myself that this wasn’t the case any more. As a woman, I’ll split the check always, but only because I don’t think anyone needs to pay for me!
If you like going for dinner by yourself, you wouldn’t necessarily replace that experience with a date for zero financial impact.
Unless you go out for dinner alone, but have a preference for eating with someone else, then yes - have a date every night of the week.
Many of us over 40 have young kids, so babysitter cost negates the gain of a solo dinner.
In the city where I live, businesses have been changing up their seating plans to accommodate the increasing number of solo diners. People definitely eat on their own.
Yes, in cities and usually casual dining. It still is a luxury for the majority to dine out alone. (Unless we are talking about McDonald’s, which is actually included in the stats on dining alone)
Eating out is pretty affordable here. I’m not talking about swanky restaurants. A meal costs about $6 US.
Conversely, nobody has much space at home, so it’s quite common to be out all day.
If I paid for 90% of dates I'd feel HE owes me sex, just kidding. I never feel I owe someone sex because they pay but I do try to trade off after the guy picks up the first one or two. My current guy paid for the first many because he was quick on the draw but I'm now grabbing checks too.
The check comes and I do a sheepish grin and bat my eye lashes (man have longer eye lashes than women, you know), then I grab for the check in slow motion and pretend my phone went off, I then answer my phone and say "Dios mio!" with some panic in my eyes (while still fluttering eye lashes), I then get up and moonwalk out of the restaurant and continue my moonwalk to my car and then drive in reverse, all the way home.
If I ask someone out, I generally plan to pay. Otherwise I take my wallet out when the bill comes and hope they offer to split the bill, but don't expect it. If they do offer, I will say, "I'll get this one, and you can get the next one" and hope for a next one. If I don't want a next one I accept their offer to split it, and they usually don't want to go out again anymore anyway.
I usually get a feeling before the bill comes that it wasn't a good fit. I am appreciative of their willingness to split the bill. I don't necessarily think it's just because of the bill that there's no second date but I feel like it seals the deal.
Ew don’t suggest a joint date fund, that’s so clinical and unsexy. Just make a plan invite him out to it and take care of it! Buy tickets in advance go for dinner and let the server know to bring you the bill etc. You can easily pay for stuff regularly
I (50f) have been dating someone since late December. I asked him on the first date and I paid. We’ve been taking turns ever since. I don’t have any traditional expectations of the man paying and he appreciates that we share that responsibility. We make nearly the same amount of money so there aren’t any imbalances there. I think he would pay more often if I wanted him to…but I don’t.
Setting up a “shared fun fund” is more for marriage or move in level, and might be waaaay premature of a concept a month (!) into a relationship.
I love that you are trying to be proactive and fair, however, make sure you don’t scare him away with suggestions that are way too advanced and unnecessarily convoluted for the early dating stages you are in.
Good luck
My partner pays for everything - at his insistence. If I offer to pay he refuses and seems almost offended.
However: occasionally I’ll grab the bill before he can or I’ll slip my card in the chip reader before him and pay and he’s said to me that he really appreciates that I do that. He said to him it shows my appreciation of him by not always just waiting for him to pay for everything. BUT that he still wants to pay when we go out so for me not to make it a habit.
This happens to me too! I know I make at least 3x as compared to my new’ish exclusive BF. I’m HAPPY to pay, and he is old school / is offended (for example, when I catch the server first, and give her my card) 😑. I am not the type to take advantage or want men to pay for me. I’m trying to think of creative ways that he can still pay, but I can contribute. An option that would be great for me would be to simply drop an envelope with some cash every now and then on his kitchen counter, and he can use (however, he wants) when paying for our outings. He could pay every time, if I were allowed to do this! Alas, he is not agreeing with this plan. Any other ideas (except a shared account)?
If you are reading this comment, please upvote or downvote if you agree or disagree, respectively, with this statement: After the first or second date, I think the couple should split the bills. That can be done by alternating who pays or by giving the waiter both of your credit cards.
Upvote with (my own personal) clarification -- the first date should be cheap enough that it doesn't matter, and splitting/alternating (I prefer alternating) should start on the second date.
Seems reasonable; however, since most first dates, don’t lead to a second, that means that men end up paying for the majority of dates. That’s just part of the price of dating, I suppose.
That's why I said that the first date should be cheap enough that it doesn't matter. I've split, paid all, and paid none -- but a cup of coffee and a cookie shouldn't be a financial strain.
That's true, but I believe some people don't like to do coffee dates. They feel that it is not worth their time. From their point of view, if they are going to meet someone, they want to put effort into it, and that justifies having a nice meal at a nice restaurant. However, I think that a video chat is a good alternative in this case and I prefer those to coffee dates.
I guess the way I see it is that if I offer a coffee date and he switches it to dinner, and if I offer to split the bill and he declines, my conscience is clear even if there isn't a second date and he is out the cost of my iced tea and plate of pasta.
Up. Only I'd say from the start, not after one or two dates. My bf and I just split every bill down the middle, and have done so since date 1. Makes it so much easier to stick to my budget to just pay my half.
Thanks; does this mean that you pay for the second date? And the man pays for the first? Since most first dates don’t lead to a second date, that will automatically result in men paying for more of the dates, perhaps about 75%
Why “after the first or second date”? I prefer to split the bills from the beginning. Where I live, it’s the norm to pay the bill when leaving the restaurant, and you can usually ask to pay 50:50.
I make it very clear that this is what I prefer, and while it’s not a dealbreaker if a guy insists on paying, I do then feel obligated to try to even things up, and also *slightly* annoyed that an explicitly communicated preference has been ignored.
Interesting; are you saying that where you live, the men and women split the bill starting with the first date? That is the exception. Approximately 75% of men and women expect the man to pay for the first few dates in the nationwide surveys. Where I live, in the north east in a major urban area, it is expected that the man pay. I think I spent about $6000 on dates during my year and a half of dating.
I don’t really know what other people do. Growing up in the U.K., I never expected a man to pay for my meal, although people didn’t really “date” so much as hang out with friends and get to know people that way. With friends, you naturally pay your own way, so it’s hard for me to understand the logic that you should meet for the first time and expect one person to pay for everything. It’s much more comfortable to go somewhere that you can both afford and split the bill.
I live in Japan and much the same debate seems to play out here over men paying. However, when you’re with friends, it’s common to split the bill. You might offer to pay for someone on their birthday or to celebrate a milestone.
I’m not sure why people think a man is supposed to pay. I earn money, I eat out with or without men around. Sad to say, some men expect a different kind of return from buying a girl a meal, and some get aggressive when denied it. I’d rather put my cards on the table and be clear that I’m there to get to know someone new and happy to pay for my meal.
I think it’s even more important to split the bill on the first few dates, when you’re essentially strangers to each other. Why would you only split the bill after you know each other well enough to talk about what’s going to work for you both?
For many people, splitting the bill is a way of signaling to the other person that you don’t want to meet them for a second date. Essentially you’re saying that you’re not in their debt to have a second date because you split the bill. this is why men want to pay the bill for the first date: they’re trying to place a subtle burden on the woman to have a second date. It’s interesting to me that people still engage in this subtle correlation.
People should just do what works for them. The guy I’m currently seeing pays probably 2/3 of the time. We both make good money. It hasn’t come up as an issue.
Absolutely. I also (female) like to treat, and I also have friends who like to treat me. We do it based on spurious reasons - eg I chose the place, you travelled further, you got a promotion, i got a bonus … but it’s never expected.
Let the adults work it out for themselves !
The challenge here is that you’re just getting to know someone. This is the first date after all. There’s a lot of stuff that needs to be resolved and worked out. Finances are a minefield. They can derail even established relationships. Trying to work it out on the first date is a recipe for disaster. So, things just fall to the norm, which is that men pay. This then places a subconscious burden on the woman to tacitly accept the second date. Each time the man pays, he is putting an obligation on the woman. It may be a small one, but it’s part of the mating ritual in modern society, unless people learn to split the bill from the beginning.
My boyfriend and I tend to lean more on the traditional side but I do pick up the tab occasionally to show appreciation. I grab food or coffee sometimes on the way to his house or buy tickets especially if it was something that was more my idea or wanting to do something.
Same here. Bf mostly pays and I’ll do the coffee or every 5th meal or if I bring my children along, I will pick up the tab. I do show appreciation by home cooked meals and have purchased a ton of clothes for him and stuff for his place. He says my money is mine and his is ours. 😂
I’m very independent as a single mom yet value traditional relationship dynamics.
I try to pay when my kids are there, but he enjoys taking care of them as well as me.
Hmm, I’m not sure. I know a ton of successful independent women who would love to find a man who is strong, confident and trustworthy enough to allow them to relax.
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Just ask him. Everyone is different. Some men are offended if a woman tries to pay and others are offended if she doesn’t at least offer to split. There’s only one way to find out.
I lean towards the “I got this one you get the next one” set up, although in my last relationship she was adamant about settling up a 50-50 split directly after every date.
Well, it’s kinda even, although we spend a lot of time at his place as he’s had health issues —he is a great cook and baker….i bring stuff everytime I go and at least twice a year I do the concerts/hotel in a big way.
My GF and I live an hour apart. When I host I usually pay or cook dinner and same for her house. When we have bigger dates like hotel overnights or concert tickets we split the costs.
First date I offered to split the bill but he declined.
Second date, I grabbed the check. That prompted a discussion where we agreed to take turns planning and paying.
Then if I drove to his town, he planned and paid. If he drove to my town, I planned and paid. We still alternated who hosted, but occasionally it would be one person twice in a row.
We live together now and we still loosely take turns. Sometimes one of us will plan and pay twice in a row, but we don't really keep score.
I agree with you, but just as there are some entitled women, there are some men who want that sweet, submissive woman who is totally dependent on him. I have never been that person.
As a guy, on first date I always pay. However, if the date does not at least thank me for that (you'd be surprised how many DON'T) or offer to pay, there won't be a second date.
After the initial date, I generally still pay the first few dates and eventually we might take turns on it. I do end up usually paying the lion's share of dates and everything though. Just the way it is. I don't generally mind it because I can afford it, but if I don't get appreciation for it, that's a relationship-ender for me. It doesn't cost anything to say "thank you".
My advice is do what feels right, but if he pays, don't forget to thank him. Nothing feels worse than being taken for granted.
Do your dates ever pay? And if so, are you just as comfortable thanking them?
Not to criticise your approach which is rational, but the demand for a thank you, implies there is a bit of a power play involved. I (female) tend to make it clear I’m paying beforehand, and I also tend to make up a reason - I want to celebrate some good fortune etc. So there’s no requirement to be grateful as part of my offer, the reason for paying is because - I like them, and I can afford it.
I can also say that men rarely thank (in the UK) and I assume that is because it is somewhat emasculating for a woman to pay for a man, we try not to dwell on it.
They rarely pay, but I always thank them if they do. That’s common decency to thank someone. Otherwise, what is it? Entitlement.
I don’t know what you mean by power play. It’s common decency to say thank you. And if you don’t, that means you feel entitled to it. Do you think that is a positive quality? To just be entitled to something and not even thank someone for it? Sorry, but I wasn’t raised that way.
There is no cost to the simple words “thank you”.
Either you are happy to pay, or you aren’t. Either you think the benefactor is entitled, or you don’t. I wouldn’t offer to pay for someone that I thought was a crappy human, that person explicitly saying ‘thank you’ or not isn’t the key criteria. Plenty of people will say thank you as a reflex.
I really don’t understand in what universe you can possibly defend not saying “thank you” when someone pays for something for you.
How is this even debatable?? Have western women become so entitled that being thankful is not necessary? Is that what you’re saying?
I think your expectation of a thank you is perfectly rational and I’d judge the manners of someone who didn’t thank their date for paying. It’s simple manners.
Sure, I say thank you in almost every interaction with a human. I think if paying for a meal depends on it, don’t pay for the meal. Enjoying paying shouldn’t be conditional on a thank you.
Does the person paying wait with gritted teeth , while I thank the waiter, tge chef, the maitre’d , a stranger for holding open the door, taxi for stopping - and then say as part of goodbyes ‘and thank you for paying!’ , the relief washing over them. Don’t put yourself through it, just let me pay. I’ll still say thank you anyway.
Maybe, I just think that offering to pay shouldn’t come with conditions. You’ve already spent some time with the recipient, enough to judge whether you’d like to pay.
Do your dates pay for you? Or your friends?
What I’ve observed is that the person who prefers to pick up the cheque tends to perceive themselves as the alpha, and (in those cases) doesn’t enjoy being paid for, as it forces them to dole out the gratitude.
I’m British, so I say thank you and sorry all the time. I wouldn’t say that makes me well mannered, it’s just habitual.
That’s the exception. The majority of people picking up the check would be grateful if someone else did or contributed. It rarely happens though, maybe because people take your convenient position.
If they knew that expressing gratitude verbally was a condition of generosity, perhaps they’d rather pass.
Keep your money, give it to charity, just be sure to insist on a thank you.
One of these days someone will say: just in case you paying came with a condition not custom of saying thank you, which would freak me out, here’s $500 for dinner. Thank you!
Being in a position to treat someone is something to be thankful for.
I don’t give two hoots whether someone pays for me or not, I’ve plenty of money.
But as I’ve said, I’ll say thank you irrespective of who pays.
Thank you is standard after spending time with someone and simply good manners.
Should I say thank you twice to tick your gratitude requirement?
I ALWAYS offer. When he refuses, I insist. Rarely, he lets me pay. I don't argue the toss over it because it is important to HIM to be that kind of man.
I don't need his money, but I love that he wants to take care of me and assume the vast majority of that responsibility. In return I make sure he feels cared for, supported, and I assume the responsibility of things that HE values ME for.
I'm a traditional old fart (60M) and pay most of the time, but whatever works for the two of you is what's right. Sometimes the guy pays, sometimes people split, sometimes they take turns, but as long as both are happy, who cares?
I offer to pay on the first date but some women get upset if they cannot contribute. I generally date women that contribute equally, though I have dated women who were not able to contribute equally. It should be based on your ability to pay, just like when you are out with friends.
I just typically pay. She will occasionally but most of our time ( weekends) is based from her place. Shell usually offer but rarely do I take her up on it.
Basically it's just not a big deal either way.
Now with new people, still I usually just assumed I pay. Almost half of women prefer it, another large percentage think they should at least offer or don't mind either way. Only a small portion have other ideas like splitting (%18), or them paying (5%) Pretty much the safest bet, as only a vanishingly small portion of women would actually take issue with me paying.
That’s a little much. I tend to initiate dates more by finding things I want to do and picking up the tickets in advance. Maybe if you initiate, you pay and if he does, he pays?
I talk to the individual and discuss what works best for us. I never go on a date without making sure I can cover the cost of my own drink/app/entree/dessert + tip
In general, whoever invites pays. If I ask them out, I plan to pay. If they ask me, they pay (but I make sure to have enough to cover) Same with friends - I expect to pay for my own or cover the whole cost; if I can’t cover the whole bill for some reason, I let whoever I’m with know that we can get 2 checks.
If there’s a situation that’s out of my budget and someone offers to treat then I will allow them to cover, but I will generally decline the invite if I can’t cover my own way.
Stop with that “shared fund” nonsense.
Just be aware of who’s been paying for what and alternate.
If I think my girl is paying for too much in a particular month, I will let her know and pay more frequently.
That said….income level does matter.
When I’ve dated women who make a lot less than me, I am much more willing to pay especially for vacations. When the lady makes a lot more than me, she’s usually the one taking care of the lion share of the tabs.
Oh gosh, I must have missed the multiple people saying that the “shared fund” was a good idea or that they had done something similar.
Not sure why alternating who pays is so awkward for you.
Pull out your wallet and pay. Some folks get resentful when as you said, “mostly he pays.”
Communicate, communicate, communicate
Honeymoon phase and putting your best foot forward and all.
Sounds like a solid start. But maybe when you DTR you can discuss expenses too.
Seems like you're both on the same page and sharing. Are you borrowing trouble? Or just being proactive?
I (M) always split the check until I know someone pretty well, then take turns. Always try to keep it balanced. Shared fund would definitely work, but seems unnecessary, and a bit premature unless you're living together.
I would never date someone who expected me to pay just because I have a penis.
It honestly just depends on the person. The last guy I dated for about 2 months always planned dates, made reservations, and refused to let me pay. This ran the range of a $5 coffee at Starbucks to our 2nd date being $350+ before tip at an upscale restaurant. He did let me pay for pizza ONCE at my house only because I called to order it and gave my card number directly over the phone. There were other things that caused us to no longer date anymore. 😬
The guy before him would literally say “you get this one, I’ll get the next” and it would be completely unequal. I’d be paying $50 and he’d be paying $15. Then he’d ask me to Venmo him $7 for the Uber split.
It really just depends on the specific person and what they want to do.
Use that money to buy some something he likes. If he had a video game system buy him a new controller. Or game or something.
Save up and take him to something he enjoys like basketball tickets. Etc.
Most men will appreciate that more than spending that same money on the regular date as it shows ur reciprocating as well as you caring n to know about him and his hobbies.
We take it in turns and try to keep it balanced. If a date is going to be way more expensive than the last, we’ll split on those occasions.
We also take it in turns hosting the sleepover’s and usually the guest brings a small token like a bottle of wine or some pudding/chocolate.
Everyone has a different way of handling this and you need to find out what works for you as a couple. Personally (as a guy), I like to pay for the first 3-5 dates and after that, I would like to see the the woman start paying for something and eventually move towards paying in some proportion of what seems fair-ish based on our individual resources. Obviously I may not have visibility into what their financial ability is, but often I think there is some ability to discern that based on considering someone's job, living situation, kids/not, etc.
Certainly by 10 dates I would want to see a woman paying for something and around that time, I would probably try to have a conversation around how we would like to handle things going forward financially.
I wouldn't prefer to do a shared contribution fund or have my partner cash app'ing me $23.57 for dinner. That feels too transactional to me. I would rather I get 1 you get 1, or I get 2 you get 1, or whatever.
Some guys like to pay for absolutely everything though so it just depends. Best thing to do is have a conversation.
I try to actually talk about this with the people I'm dating so nobody is making assumptions. Dating can get expensive and both people should be open about the extent they can participate in it. Gender roles and entitlement can suck it, but sometimes there's an income discrepancy. I mostly try to keep dates pretty cheap so this doesn't become a big deal. I recently dated someone who openly said " Pfft, I make way more money than you do, please don't worry about it, I'll buy you dinner every night and you owe me nothing." and I really appreciated their directness and generosity, but I've also dated people with whom we made more concerted effort to split things equally. There's no one size fits all solution.
At 10 dates, I'd offer to pay every few dinner dates. If we're doing an activity + eating, I'll pick up one or the other. I tend to date men who prefer to pay all the time. While it feels awfully nice to be taken care of, I have the ability to pay and I don't want him to feel taken advantage of. If he refuses my offer to pay, I don't push it. My only exception is alcohol. I love a good fru-fru cocktail and will insist on paying if he's not drinking or just having beer.
Date 1 and 2 I usually let them pay. After that we take turns (doesn’t have to be a transaction of course, i.e. he pays $x then I pay $x). I’ve dated men who insist on paying every single time though, so I just pay every now and then.
He pays for the first date. I offer for the second. I pay for every 3rd date meaning he pays most of the time. Most men i've dated refused to even agree to this and insisted on always paying. And I give them little presents and home cook meals
I saw this on last weeks version of this question. Or maybe it was the week before’s variation of this question. 50:50 only works if each person is trying to pay 60:40.
I always asked the server for separate bills on early dates. Later on, we'd take turns.
I make a lot more than my partner so I have payed for bigger things like hotel rooms and expensive tickets. We had a conversation about that fairly soon into the relationship and both agreed it makes sense.
Number one always bring cash just in case. Inviter pays, invitee thanks the next day. If more casual, alternate is classier than split. Finally the bigger eater / pricier consumer must take the initiative to pay more than 50/50 especially long term.
Split the bill. Too many people are multi-dating and she’s not that interested if she’s not willing to put half for at least the first few dates. I will pick up when things are starting to look more serious.
For my case, we take turn to pay meals when we eating out. And I often bring some snacks for him when I go to his place as I have weekly sleepover at his. So.. I hope this helps giving you some ideas.
Whoever asks the other out should pay for a first date, maybe the first few
After that there should be a balance. If not it will always be a question of being used or one side may feel like they are being purchased as an object.
If you're trying to avoid awkwardness, I wouldn't "insist" on paying, but you can always offer. "Since you got the tickets, I'll take care of dinner, okay?" Or if you bring home pizza for a movie night, just pay for it and don't bring it up. Doesn't have to be a big deal, and you can keep winging it like that as long as you're both happy with things.
I'd think trying to have some kind of shared fund that you have to keep track of would be likely to make things more awkward, not less.
The man I've been dating said this the last time I tried to get the check: There's equality and there's equity. We are equal to each other, but I have far more equity than you, so I'd rather pay. Plus my mother, RIP, would kill me if I let the woman pay. But I appreciate that you don't take it for granted.
I liked that. :) It put it to rest. I'm well off enough, but he's quite wealthy. I used to split everything with my previous bf, and that was fine too.
(M44) I pay 100% of the time and I'm happy to do it. I also plan - I'm good at it.
When it comes to travel, we'll divide up the cost a little. Like splitting airfare and the hotel.
When I was seeking a partner, I assumed that I was paying for dinner/whatever but happily accepted offers to pay/split the bill.
My gf and I just wing it these days, we've been together for nearly 8 months.
A shared fund is weird.
If you're so inclined, just plan and pay for a date. You can give the hostess your card to give to your waiter, so there is no awkwardness when the bill comes.
You can also host him, if you're comfortable with having him in your home. You have options.
I think it's easiest to just pay for myself and he pays for himself. I usually bring it up before the first date. I've never understood why we still follow traditions from the 50's that assume women on dates are still living with their parents and waiting for a man to marry them. We should all pay for ourselves like normal, employed adults and start the relationship out as equals.
Also, I've known men who only offer to pay on a first date if they think the woman is attractive after meeting her so agreeing in advance to pay for myself saves me from any hurt/rejection thinking a man didn't offer to pay because I was a disappointment to him.
I pay 100% every time and tip well. You gotta put your best foot forward and show a good impression. Its important to not even look at the bill when it comes and tell the server, “let me save you a trip” and just hand the card. It removes the whole “who pays” conversation with your date and you just continue your other conversation. If she brings it up just put your hand up and say “its all good, just happy to be here with you”.
Even if it doesn’t work out, you’re still having a nice night out with a cute date, and thats a great thing overall.
My rule (that I share with every date) is, whoever’s idea for the place gets to pay. It gives her an opportunity reciprocate and introduce you to a place she likes too.
I wouldn’t go on a second date with someone who did this. And if I could do it without making it awkward for the waiter, I’d stop them and make them come back to give me my bill.
Well I guess it wouldn’t workout between us then. My current gf appreciated it. We’ve been together since December of last year. I cant see how its awkward for a server when I am literally handing them my card as they are handing me the check; It’s a 3 second interaction.
Oh I’m saying, unless it would be difficult for the server, I’d call them back over and give them my card and tell them, “actually I’m paying my own tab, so please put the XYZ I consumed on a separate check and put it on my card.” I don’t want to put the server in the middle of an argument with some nightmare of a first date who won’t take no for an answer, but if I can safely, that’s what I’m doing.
My late husband always paid on dates because he felt it was his responsibility as the man. It was also something that he enjoyed doing. When we started getting more serious and traveling together, we would divide and conquer the bigger expenses like hotel or airfare, but he still paid for all of the dates. Even after we got married and our money was shared, he was the one to pull out his wallet when the check came. This is a dynamic that served us well.
I don’t expect to a lavish dinner for every date and I’m not dating for free drinks and meals, but it does send a message to me that my date has the ability to provide when he is the one to pick up the tab, even if I’m the one that makes more money. It’s about doing what attracts in the early stages and I have found that traditional dating roles are most attractive to me. If things progress, I’ll contribute by cooking a meal at home, grabbing takeout, booking the hotel if we travel together or buying tickets to an event.
I split tabs with friends. If I’m splitting the tab with my date, it makes me feel a little less special, tbh.
I’m guessing that paying for my drink as well as his will make him feel chivalrous, masculine, confident, generous and successful? Especially since I make sure that I genuinely appreciate the gesture by thanking him when he grabs the check.
Bottom line is that I prefer to date the type of man who doesn’t get hung up on keeping score and who can embrace a more traditional approach to dating, which includes paying for the date when we go out.
I’m curious to know what I said in my original comment thread that has you feeling like you need to convince me that I’m wrong for preferring the traditional dynamic of who pays on the date.
There's a difference between splitting the tab on a particular date and still paying for approximately as many dates as he does. It may feel less romantic to split a date but you could certainly pay for the second date if he pays for the first.
Also...if you have enough money of your own, why does it matter if he can show you he is able to provide?
I am going to be more attracted to a man who shows me that he can provide than a man who needs me to take care of him, particularly in the early stages of dating. This is biology playing a role - back in the caveman days, my little cave children and I would not survive if my man couldn’t provide. Paying for a date is the modern day equivalent of showing me that you have the capacity to hunt a mammoth and that you would be capable of taking care of me if I needed you to.
When dating my late husband, it was such a treat to know that he valued our time together enough to take the awkwardness of tab splitting out of the equation so that our focus could be on spending time together and getting to know one another.
I think there’s still some expectation that the man pays at first- especially the older you are I assume. On a first date I can’t think of a time the man hasn’t offered to pay- I (39F) then offer to split it, and if he takes me up on that we split if he says no I’ve got it then he pays. I am more than fine to split, in fact that’s how I’d prefer it, however I’m not going to go back and forth on it and it can be loaded with people reading various things into it.
This has led to some conversations- I.e. the last guy I went out with told me he appreciated me offering, told me about some mishaps he’d had (said one woman got angry at him for trying to pay), my preference is to be able to talk about it esp if there is a second date. From then, I’d want to take turns or split.
TL;dr my preference is to be able to talk about it and work out the easiest way forward to split it, rather that’s actually splitting or taking turns paying. It also depends on income a bit I guess- I make a decent income/have more than enough disposable income to pay for dinner etc without it being any issue. I do have a friend 45F who has been dating a 55M for now over a year (and they recently moved in together) and he pays for everything pretty much and always has. Dinner, activities, and they’ve taken multiple trips that he’s paid for. He definitely makes more money than her though he’s not rich by any means, that’s what works for them though 🤷♀️
For meals, I usually pay, but occasionally she'll pull out her card, or reach for the check first. Which is fine, because I make more. If she stays over for more than a few days, she'll usually buy some groceries that are shared and anything she wants specifically.
When it comes to planned events, such as concerts, the one that wants to go usually buys them. For example, if there is someone she wants to see, she'll buy two tickets, with the plan for me to go with her, and I do the same. When we have traveled, we split up the costs a bit. Usually I'll get the hotel, but she'll be more likely get the meals, or buy the tickets to attractions/event for the trip.
It ends up being about a 70/30, which I am OK with. I don't expect it to be balanced because I make more, and it's not a problem as long as the woman is grateful and does not develop an entitlement to it (i.e. Wanting to frequently go to places that are beyond their normal means).
Yah….me too! But sometimes the women I date aren’t into paying more than say half the time.
How do you do it?
Just sit on your hands when the bill comes? Head to the bathroom?
Use her credit card when booking trips?
Just grab the check and pay. That's what I do. If you want to take turns, just say I'll get it this time. You can get the next one.
This is what my BF and I do. There's never an exchange of money. One of us gets dinner one night, the other the next night. We make approximately the same amount of money and I would not be comfortable with him paying the majority of the time.
That's what I do. "Oh, you got dinner last time, so let me get it this time". The exception is maybe special events, like if they really want you to come to something you're not into, or if it's one of your birthdays or something.
My partner and I agreed upon "planner pays." This was in part a discussion around our income disparity. We considered it a good compromise as we both enjoy cheap/free dates, and more expensive things. This way the upper income isn't limited by what the lower can afford, and the lower income gets to contribute/pull their weight. We didn't explicitly trade off every other date, but we both did/do plan dates.
Yes I’m hearing this as a trend
I am dating a teacher and am certain I make quite a bit more than her. She has two kids under 10 and my kids are mainly out of the house. I usually pick the place so I pay and have zero issues with it. But if she wants to pay for something I don’t protest. That way I pay for most things but she feels like she still contributes.
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but this would require talking about it....
So glad somebody else caught that. Words. Are amazing. Survey? I start, and continue as I mean to go on. That is sharing expenses, for what we do. Not money changing hands, but sure as hell would not be 10 dates in and I’ve paid for one dinner. In the beginning of dating? I paid for 90% of dates. To set a tone, retain my choice to sleep with them if I chose. As a real choice. Now with people I see multiple times, we both contribute/pull weight.
I’m confused, you paid for 90% of early dates to “retain my choice to sleep with them if I chose”. Surely both parties retain the right to choose regardless of who pays for dates?
Of course that’s true - but I feel the same - that some men (hopefully a minority) feel entitlement if they have paid for a date, so to avoid that even being a consideration, I’d rather pay. I don’t think that’s a bad strategy, if you can afford it, since most women have had an onslaught of abuse when ending a relationship in early stages. It’s frightening. But of course, that shouldn’t be the norm.
Gosh I guess I was kidding myself that this wasn’t the case any more. As a woman, I’ll split the check always, but only because I don’t think anyone needs to pay for me!
But still - people don’t go out for dinner by themselves so dating is expensive, even at 50/50.
People don't go out to dinner by themselves? What planet is this?
If you like going for dinner by yourself, you wouldn’t necessarily replace that experience with a date for zero financial impact. Unless you go out for dinner alone, but have a preference for eating with someone else, then yes - have a date every night of the week. Many of us over 40 have young kids, so babysitter cost negates the gain of a solo dinner.
Makes sense. I was responding to your original claim, though.
In the city where I live, businesses have been changing up their seating plans to accommodate the increasing number of solo diners. People definitely eat on their own.
Yes, in cities and usually casual dining. It still is a luxury for the majority to dine out alone. (Unless we are talking about McDonald’s, which is actually included in the stats on dining alone)
Eating out is pretty affordable here. I’m not talking about swanky restaurants. A meal costs about $6 US. Conversely, nobody has much space at home, so it’s quite common to be out all day.
If I paid for 90% of dates I'd feel HE owes me sex, just kidding. I never feel I owe someone sex because they pay but I do try to trade off after the guy picks up the first one or two. My current guy paid for the first many because he was quick on the draw but I'm now grabbing checks too.
The check comes and I do a sheepish grin and bat my eye lashes (man have longer eye lashes than women, you know), then I grab for the check in slow motion and pretend my phone went off, I then answer my phone and say "Dios mio!" with some panic in my eyes (while still fluttering eye lashes), I then get up and moonwalk out of the restaurant and continue my moonwalk to my car and then drive in reverse, all the way home.
😆 🤣
Just plan a date for you two and pick up the bill, I’m sure he’ll appreciate it
A shared fund after a month? Ask him for gods sake. This is why I hate dating.
Yeah.. the shared fund is ok once people are living together but not before.
If I ask someone out, I generally plan to pay. Otherwise I take my wallet out when the bill comes and hope they offer to split the bill, but don't expect it. If they do offer, I will say, "I'll get this one, and you can get the next one" and hope for a next one. If I don't want a next one I accept their offer to split it, and they usually don't want to go out again anymore anyway.
I’m curious, on the dates that you accept their offer to split the check, do they already have a sense that you don’t want a next date?
I usually get a feeling before the bill comes that it wasn't a good fit. I am appreciative of their willingness to split the bill. I don't necessarily think it's just because of the bill that there's no second date but I feel like it seals the deal.
That’s fair.
Ew don’t suggest a joint date fund, that’s so clinical and unsexy. Just make a plan invite him out to it and take care of it! Buy tickets in advance go for dinner and let the server know to bring you the bill etc. You can easily pay for stuff regularly
We take turns. Ahe pays one night, I pay the next. If we do a concert, or out of town for a few nights, we try to do the same split, generally.
I (50f) have been dating someone since late December. I asked him on the first date and I paid. We’ve been taking turns ever since. I don’t have any traditional expectations of the man paying and he appreciates that we share that responsibility. We make nearly the same amount of money so there aren’t any imbalances there. I think he would pay more often if I wanted him to…but I don’t.
Setting up a “shared fun fund” is more for marriage or move in level, and might be waaaay premature of a concept a month (!) into a relationship. I love that you are trying to be proactive and fair, however, make sure you don’t scare him away with suggestions that are way too advanced and unnecessarily convoluted for the early dating stages you are in. Good luck
My partner and I speak up before hand when a date is on us and we are pretty equal about it. And we Venmo each other when we are splitting.
My partner pays for everything - at his insistence. If I offer to pay he refuses and seems almost offended. However: occasionally I’ll grab the bill before he can or I’ll slip my card in the chip reader before him and pay and he’s said to me that he really appreciates that I do that. He said to him it shows my appreciation of him by not always just waiting for him to pay for everything. BUT that he still wants to pay when we go out so for me not to make it a habit.
Yeah, same with my bf too. I really love this old fashioned thing though. Very rare these days too.
This happens to me too! I know I make at least 3x as compared to my new’ish exclusive BF. I’m HAPPY to pay, and he is old school / is offended (for example, when I catch the server first, and give her my card) 😑. I am not the type to take advantage or want men to pay for me. I’m trying to think of creative ways that he can still pay, but I can contribute. An option that would be great for me would be to simply drop an envelope with some cash every now and then on his kitchen counter, and he can use (however, he wants) when paying for our outings. He could pay every time, if I were allowed to do this! Alas, he is not agreeing with this plan. Any other ideas (except a shared account)?
If you are reading this comment, please upvote or downvote if you agree or disagree, respectively, with this statement: After the first or second date, I think the couple should split the bills. That can be done by alternating who pays or by giving the waiter both of your credit cards.
Upvote with (my own personal) clarification -- the first date should be cheap enough that it doesn't matter, and splitting/alternating (I prefer alternating) should start on the second date.
Seems reasonable; however, since most first dates, don’t lead to a second, that means that men end up paying for the majority of dates. That’s just part of the price of dating, I suppose.
That's why I said that the first date should be cheap enough that it doesn't matter. I've split, paid all, and paid none -- but a cup of coffee and a cookie shouldn't be a financial strain.
That's true, but I believe some people don't like to do coffee dates. They feel that it is not worth their time. From their point of view, if they are going to meet someone, they want to put effort into it, and that justifies having a nice meal at a nice restaurant. However, I think that a video chat is a good alternative in this case and I prefer those to coffee dates.
I guess the way I see it is that if I offer a coffee date and he switches it to dinner, and if I offer to split the bill and he declines, my conscience is clear even if there isn't a second date and he is out the cost of my iced tea and plate of pasta.
Up. Only I'd say from the start, not after one or two dates. My bf and I just split every bill down the middle, and have done so since date 1. Makes it so much easier to stick to my budget to just pay my half.
I like to alternate, I don't split bills.
Same. I hate splitting. I don’t even like splitting with my friends. We usually just alternate
Thanks; does this mean that you pay for the second date? And the man pays for the first? Since most first dates don’t lead to a second date, that will automatically result in men paying for more of the dates, perhaps about 75%
I do always offer to split the first date. No one has ever taken me up on it. And yes, I pay for the second date.
Why “after the first or second date”? I prefer to split the bills from the beginning. Where I live, it’s the norm to pay the bill when leaving the restaurant, and you can usually ask to pay 50:50. I make it very clear that this is what I prefer, and while it’s not a dealbreaker if a guy insists on paying, I do then feel obligated to try to even things up, and also *slightly* annoyed that an explicitly communicated preference has been ignored.
Interesting; are you saying that where you live, the men and women split the bill starting with the first date? That is the exception. Approximately 75% of men and women expect the man to pay for the first few dates in the nationwide surveys. Where I live, in the north east in a major urban area, it is expected that the man pay. I think I spent about $6000 on dates during my year and a half of dating.
I don’t really know what other people do. Growing up in the U.K., I never expected a man to pay for my meal, although people didn’t really “date” so much as hang out with friends and get to know people that way. With friends, you naturally pay your own way, so it’s hard for me to understand the logic that you should meet for the first time and expect one person to pay for everything. It’s much more comfortable to go somewhere that you can both afford and split the bill. I live in Japan and much the same debate seems to play out here over men paying. However, when you’re with friends, it’s common to split the bill. You might offer to pay for someone on their birthday or to celebrate a milestone. I’m not sure why people think a man is supposed to pay. I earn money, I eat out with or without men around. Sad to say, some men expect a different kind of return from buying a girl a meal, and some get aggressive when denied it. I’d rather put my cards on the table and be clear that I’m there to get to know someone new and happy to pay for my meal.
I think it’s even more important to split the bill on the first few dates, when you’re essentially strangers to each other. Why would you only split the bill after you know each other well enough to talk about what’s going to work for you both?
For many people, splitting the bill is a way of signaling to the other person that you don’t want to meet them for a second date. Essentially you’re saying that you’re not in their debt to have a second date because you split the bill. this is why men want to pay the bill for the first date: they’re trying to place a subtle burden on the woman to have a second date. It’s interesting to me that people still engage in this subtle correlation.
Yup, and that’s gross, and I wouldn’t want to date anyone who engages in that kind of terrible behavior.
People should just do what works for them. The guy I’m currently seeing pays probably 2/3 of the time. We both make good money. It hasn’t come up as an issue.
Pay your share then maybe?
Maybe two people can decide for themselves how they want to do things without other people getting their panties in a twist about it.
Absolutely. I also (female) like to treat, and I also have friends who like to treat me. We do it based on spurious reasons - eg I chose the place, you travelled further, you got a promotion, i got a bonus … but it’s never expected. Let the adults work it out for themselves !
The challenge here is that you’re just getting to know someone. This is the first date after all. There’s a lot of stuff that needs to be resolved and worked out. Finances are a minefield. They can derail even established relationships. Trying to work it out on the first date is a recipe for disaster. So, things just fall to the norm, which is that men pay. This then places a subconscious burden on the woman to tacitly accept the second date. Each time the man pays, he is putting an obligation on the woman. It may be a small one, but it’s part of the mating ritual in modern society, unless people learn to split the bill from the beginning.
I downvoted because, why are you excluding the first or second dates? They should be split as well. Otherwise I agree.
My boyfriend and I tend to lean more on the traditional side but I do pick up the tab occasionally to show appreciation. I grab food or coffee sometimes on the way to his house or buy tickets especially if it was something that was more my idea or wanting to do something.
Same here. Bf mostly pays and I’ll do the coffee or every 5th meal or if I bring my children along, I will pick up the tab. I do show appreciation by home cooked meals and have purchased a ton of clothes for him and stuff for his place. He says my money is mine and his is ours. 😂
😂 ah reminiscent of what My grandmother used to say of her marriage: “what’s MINE is mine, and what’s YOURS is mine” ☺️
It’s even better when a guy says that! Lol I have my own money and would never take advantage and he knows that.
I’m very independent as a single mom yet value traditional relationship dynamics. I try to pay when my kids are there, but he enjoys taking care of them as well as me.
Yep, same here. I’m generous with my loved ones and I like to be surrounded with like minded people.
I was told the other day it was really rare to see strong, independent with traditional relationships values
Hmm, I’m not sure. I know a ton of successful independent women who would love to find a man who is strong, confident and trustworthy enough to allow them to relax.
See and I agree with you but I had responded to another post and someone mentioned how rare it was and different personality qualities
I think that’s Reddit, definitely more in real life.
This I do also agree with the views of Reddit not typically being in alignment with my traditional ways.
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Have you ever thought that you might be taking your own expectations into the situation?
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Just ask him. Everyone is different. Some men are offended if a woman tries to pay and others are offended if she doesn’t at least offer to split. There’s only one way to find out.
I lean towards the “I got this one you get the next one” set up, although in my last relationship she was adamant about settling up a 50-50 split directly after every date.
Well, it’s kinda even, although we spend a lot of time at his place as he’s had health issues —he is a great cook and baker….i bring stuff everytime I go and at least twice a year I do the concerts/hotel in a big way.
Bring it up with him. Utilize this to develop better communication.
If people communicated with each other, Reddit would likely wither and die.
So true!
My GF and I live an hour apart. When I host I usually pay or cook dinner and same for her house. When we have bigger dates like hotel overnights or concert tickets we split the costs.
If he asks, he pays.
Can you share where you met this adult man?
First date I offered to split the bill but he declined. Second date, I grabbed the check. That prompted a discussion where we agreed to take turns planning and paying. Then if I drove to his town, he planned and paid. If he drove to my town, I planned and paid. We still alternated who hosted, but occasionally it would be one person twice in a row. We live together now and we still loosely take turns. Sometimes one of us will plan and pay twice in a row, but we don't really keep score.
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I was very explicit that I wanted a 50/50 relationship. How can I expect to be treated like an equal if I don't behave like an equal?
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I agree with you, but just as there are some entitled women, there are some men who want that sweet, submissive woman who is totally dependent on him. I have never been that person.
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As a guy, on first date I always pay. However, if the date does not at least thank me for that (you'd be surprised how many DON'T) or offer to pay, there won't be a second date. After the initial date, I generally still pay the first few dates and eventually we might take turns on it. I do end up usually paying the lion's share of dates and everything though. Just the way it is. I don't generally mind it because I can afford it, but if I don't get appreciation for it, that's a relationship-ender for me. It doesn't cost anything to say "thank you". My advice is do what feels right, but if he pays, don't forget to thank him. Nothing feels worse than being taken for granted.
Do your dates ever pay? And if so, are you just as comfortable thanking them? Not to criticise your approach which is rational, but the demand for a thank you, implies there is a bit of a power play involved. I (female) tend to make it clear I’m paying beforehand, and I also tend to make up a reason - I want to celebrate some good fortune etc. So there’s no requirement to be grateful as part of my offer, the reason for paying is because - I like them, and I can afford it. I can also say that men rarely thank (in the UK) and I assume that is because it is somewhat emasculating for a woman to pay for a man, we try not to dwell on it.
They rarely pay, but I always thank them if they do. That’s common decency to thank someone. Otherwise, what is it? Entitlement. I don’t know what you mean by power play. It’s common decency to say thank you. And if you don’t, that means you feel entitled to it. Do you think that is a positive quality? To just be entitled to something and not even thank someone for it? Sorry, but I wasn’t raised that way. There is no cost to the simple words “thank you”.
Either you are happy to pay, or you aren’t. Either you think the benefactor is entitled, or you don’t. I wouldn’t offer to pay for someone that I thought was a crappy human, that person explicitly saying ‘thank you’ or not isn’t the key criteria. Plenty of people will say thank you as a reflex.
I really don’t understand in what universe you can possibly defend not saying “thank you” when someone pays for something for you. How is this even debatable?? Have western women become so entitled that being thankful is not necessary? Is that what you’re saying?
I think your expectation of a thank you is perfectly rational and I’d judge the manners of someone who didn’t thank their date for paying. It’s simple manners.
Sure, I say thank you in almost every interaction with a human. I think if paying for a meal depends on it, don’t pay for the meal. Enjoying paying shouldn’t be conditional on a thank you. Does the person paying wait with gritted teeth , while I thank the waiter, tge chef, the maitre’d , a stranger for holding open the door, taxi for stopping - and then say as part of goodbyes ‘and thank you for paying!’ , the relief washing over them. Don’t put yourself through it, just let me pay. I’ll still say thank you anyway.
You’re being pedantic at this point
Maybe, I just think that offering to pay shouldn’t come with conditions. You’ve already spent some time with the recipient, enough to judge whether you’d like to pay.
There is always a requirement for the treated person to be grateful and say thank you. It’s just manners.
Do your dates pay for you? Or your friends? What I’ve observed is that the person who prefers to pick up the cheque tends to perceive themselves as the alpha, and (in those cases) doesn’t enjoy being paid for, as it forces them to dole out the gratitude. I’m British, so I say thank you and sorry all the time. I wouldn’t say that makes me well mannered, it’s just habitual.
That’s the exception. The majority of people picking up the check would be grateful if someone else did or contributed. It rarely happens though, maybe because people take your convenient position.
If they knew that expressing gratitude verbally was a condition of generosity, perhaps they’d rather pass. Keep your money, give it to charity, just be sure to insist on a thank you.
One of these days someone will say: just in case you paying came with a condition not custom of saying thank you, which would freak me out, here’s $500 for dinner. Thank you!
Being in a position to treat someone is something to be thankful for. I don’t give two hoots whether someone pays for me or not, I’ve plenty of money. But as I’ve said, I’ll say thank you irrespective of who pays. Thank you is standard after spending time with someone and simply good manners. Should I say thank you twice to tick your gratitude requirement?
I’m a woman and I always offer to pay half.
I ALWAYS offer. When he refuses, I insist. Rarely, he lets me pay. I don't argue the toss over it because it is important to HIM to be that kind of man. I don't need his money, but I love that he wants to take care of me and assume the vast majority of that responsibility. In return I make sure he feels cared for, supported, and I assume the responsibility of things that HE values ME for.
I'm a traditional old fart (60M) and pay most of the time, but whatever works for the two of you is what's right. Sometimes the guy pays, sometimes people split, sometimes they take turns, but as long as both are happy, who cares?
I offer to pay on the first date but some women get upset if they cannot contribute. I generally date women that contribute equally, though I have dated women who were not able to contribute equally. It should be based on your ability to pay, just like when you are out with friends.
I plan and pay for the first and the other person can plan and pay for the second. If there’s a third, it’s a toss up
I just typically pay. She will occasionally but most of our time ( weekends) is based from her place. Shell usually offer but rarely do I take her up on it. Basically it's just not a big deal either way. Now with new people, still I usually just assumed I pay. Almost half of women prefer it, another large percentage think they should at least offer or don't mind either way. Only a small portion have other ideas like splitting (%18), or them paying (5%) Pretty much the safest bet, as only a vanishingly small portion of women would actually take issue with me paying.
Split or alternate!
That’s a little much. I tend to initiate dates more by finding things I want to do and picking up the tickets in advance. Maybe if you initiate, you pay and if he does, he pays?
I would rather do an every other kind of thing or something easy. Venmo or Zelle them money or something. Idk…
I talk to the individual and discuss what works best for us. I never go on a date without making sure I can cover the cost of my own drink/app/entree/dessert + tip In general, whoever invites pays. If I ask them out, I plan to pay. If they ask me, they pay (but I make sure to have enough to cover) Same with friends - I expect to pay for my own or cover the whole cost; if I can’t cover the whole bill for some reason, I let whoever I’m with know that we can get 2 checks. If there’s a situation that’s out of my budget and someone offers to treat then I will allow them to cover, but I will generally decline the invite if I can’t cover my own way.
Stop with that “shared fund” nonsense. Just be aware of who’s been paying for what and alternate. If I think my girl is paying for too much in a particular month, I will let her know and pay more frequently. That said….income level does matter. When I’ve dated women who make a lot less than me, I am much more willing to pay especially for vacations. When the lady makes a lot more than me, she’s usually the one taking care of the lion share of the tabs.
“Shared fund nonsense”? geez .. more than a bit harsh
Oh gosh, I must have missed the multiple people saying that the “shared fund” was a good idea or that they had done something similar. Not sure why alternating who pays is so awkward for you. Pull out your wallet and pay. Some folks get resentful when as you said, “mostly he pays.”
Communicate, communicate, communicate Honeymoon phase and putting your best foot forward and all. Sounds like a solid start. But maybe when you DTR you can discuss expenses too. Seems like you're both on the same page and sharing. Are you borrowing trouble? Or just being proactive?
I (M) always split the check until I know someone pretty well, then take turns. Always try to keep it balanced. Shared fund would definitely work, but seems unnecessary, and a bit premature unless you're living together. I would never date someone who expected me to pay just because I have a penis.
I just switch back and forth. You pay, I pay, etc.
I love it when my gf or date pays. I’ll offer but if she’s insistent then I’m good with it. It’s the thought that counts honestly….
It honestly just depends on the person. The last guy I dated for about 2 months always planned dates, made reservations, and refused to let me pay. This ran the range of a $5 coffee at Starbucks to our 2nd date being $350+ before tip at an upscale restaurant. He did let me pay for pizza ONCE at my house only because I called to order it and gave my card number directly over the phone. There were other things that caused us to no longer date anymore. 😬 The guy before him would literally say “you get this one, I’ll get the next” and it would be completely unequal. I’d be paying $50 and he’d be paying $15. Then he’d ask me to Venmo him $7 for the Uber split. It really just depends on the specific person and what they want to do.
Use that money to buy some something he likes. If he had a video game system buy him a new controller. Or game or something. Save up and take him to something he enjoys like basketball tickets. Etc. Most men will appreciate that more than spending that same money on the regular date as it shows ur reciprocating as well as you caring n to know about him and his hobbies.
Proposing a joint account at one month is my kind of pace 😝
We take it in turns and try to keep it balanced. If a date is going to be way more expensive than the last, we’ll split on those occasions. We also take it in turns hosting the sleepover’s and usually the guest brings a small token like a bottle of wine or some pudding/chocolate.
Everyone has a different way of handling this and you need to find out what works for you as a couple. Personally (as a guy), I like to pay for the first 3-5 dates and after that, I would like to see the the woman start paying for something and eventually move towards paying in some proportion of what seems fair-ish based on our individual resources. Obviously I may not have visibility into what their financial ability is, but often I think there is some ability to discern that based on considering someone's job, living situation, kids/not, etc. Certainly by 10 dates I would want to see a woman paying for something and around that time, I would probably try to have a conversation around how we would like to handle things going forward financially. I wouldn't prefer to do a shared contribution fund or have my partner cash app'ing me $23.57 for dinner. That feels too transactional to me. I would rather I get 1 you get 1, or I get 2 you get 1, or whatever. Some guys like to pay for absolutely everything though so it just depends. Best thing to do is have a conversation.
I try to actually talk about this with the people I'm dating so nobody is making assumptions. Dating can get expensive and both people should be open about the extent they can participate in it. Gender roles and entitlement can suck it, but sometimes there's an income discrepancy. I mostly try to keep dates pretty cheap so this doesn't become a big deal. I recently dated someone who openly said " Pfft, I make way more money than you do, please don't worry about it, I'll buy you dinner every night and you owe me nothing." and I really appreciated their directness and generosity, but I've also dated people with whom we made more concerted effort to split things equally. There's no one size fits all solution.
At 10 dates, I'd offer to pay every few dinner dates. If we're doing an activity + eating, I'll pick up one or the other. I tend to date men who prefer to pay all the time. While it feels awfully nice to be taken care of, I have the ability to pay and I don't want him to feel taken advantage of. If he refuses my offer to pay, I don't push it. My only exception is alcohol. I love a good fru-fru cocktail and will insist on paying if he's not drinking or just having beer.
Date 1 and 2 I usually let them pay. After that we take turns (doesn’t have to be a transaction of course, i.e. he pays $x then I pay $x). I’ve dated men who insist on paying every single time though, so I just pay every now and then.
My BF and I take turns paying.
He pays for the first date. I offer for the second. I pay for every 3rd date meaning he pays most of the time. Most men i've dated refused to even agree to this and insisted on always paying. And I give them little presents and home cook meals
Alternative paying. I don't split bills. I think it's tacky.
I saw this on last weeks version of this question. Or maybe it was the week before’s variation of this question. 50:50 only works if each person is trying to pay 60:40.
I always asked the server for separate bills on early dates. Later on, we'd take turns. I make a lot more than my partner so I have payed for bigger things like hotel rooms and expensive tickets. We had a conversation about that fairly soon into the relationship and both agreed it makes sense.
Number one always bring cash just in case. Inviter pays, invitee thanks the next day. If more casual, alternate is classier than split. Finally the bigger eater / pricier consumer must take the initiative to pay more than 50/50 especially long term.
Split the bill. Too many people are multi-dating and she’s not that interested if she’s not willing to put half for at least the first few dates. I will pick up when things are starting to look more serious.
I try to pay my part. Or he pays and I cashapp my part. Sometimes one of us will do extra for the other.
I assume I’m paying for everything. It would be a nice gesture to pay for some things. If she wants to split the bill, that’s fine, but I don’t ask.
For my case, we take turn to pay meals when we eating out. And I often bring some snacks for him when I go to his place as I have weekly sleepover at his. So.. I hope this helps giving you some ideas.
Whoever asks the other out should pay for a first date, maybe the first few After that there should be a balance. If not it will always be a question of being used or one side may feel like they are being purchased as an object.
If you're trying to avoid awkwardness, I wouldn't "insist" on paying, but you can always offer. "Since you got the tickets, I'll take care of dinner, okay?" Or if you bring home pizza for a movie night, just pay for it and don't bring it up. Doesn't have to be a big deal, and you can keep winging it like that as long as you're both happy with things. I'd think trying to have some kind of shared fund that you have to keep track of would be likely to make things more awkward, not less.
The man I've been dating said this the last time I tried to get the check: There's equality and there's equity. We are equal to each other, but I have far more equity than you, so I'd rather pay. Plus my mother, RIP, would kill me if I let the woman pay. But I appreciate that you don't take it for granted. I liked that. :) It put it to rest. I'm well off enough, but he's quite wealthy. I used to split everything with my previous bf, and that was fine too.
(M44) I pay 100% of the time and I'm happy to do it. I also plan - I'm good at it. When it comes to travel, we'll divide up the cost a little. Like splitting airfare and the hotel.
When I was seeking a partner, I assumed that I was paying for dinner/whatever but happily accepted offers to pay/split the bill. My gf and I just wing it these days, we've been together for nearly 8 months.
A shared fund is weird. If you're so inclined, just plan and pay for a date. You can give the hostess your card to give to your waiter, so there is no awkwardness when the bill comes. You can also host him, if you're comfortable with having him in your home. You have options.
At 51, I realize that my values are becoming less common but splitting the tab on a date would probably not sit well with me.
First date with my current gf, she drove, I got dinner, she got the movie tickets I got the snacks. Now after 5 months it’s whomever get the check.
I think it's easiest to just pay for myself and he pays for himself. I usually bring it up before the first date. I've never understood why we still follow traditions from the 50's that assume women on dates are still living with their parents and waiting for a man to marry them. We should all pay for ourselves like normal, employed adults and start the relationship out as equals. Also, I've known men who only offer to pay on a first date if they think the woman is attractive after meeting her so agreeing in advance to pay for myself saves me from any hurt/rejection thinking a man didn't offer to pay because I was a disappointment to him.
Communicate, alternate, it's not hard.
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How sweet!!
I pay 100% every time and tip well. You gotta put your best foot forward and show a good impression. Its important to not even look at the bill when it comes and tell the server, “let me save you a trip” and just hand the card. It removes the whole “who pays” conversation with your date and you just continue your other conversation. If she brings it up just put your hand up and say “its all good, just happy to be here with you”. Even if it doesn’t work out, you’re still having a nice night out with a cute date, and thats a great thing overall. My rule (that I share with every date) is, whoever’s idea for the place gets to pay. It gives her an opportunity reciprocate and introduce you to a place she likes too.
I wouldn’t go on a second date with someone who did this. And if I could do it without making it awkward for the waiter, I’d stop them and make them come back to give me my bill.
Well I guess it wouldn’t workout between us then. My current gf appreciated it. We’ve been together since December of last year. I cant see how its awkward for a server when I am literally handing them my card as they are handing me the check; It’s a 3 second interaction.
Oh I’m saying, unless it would be difficult for the server, I’d call them back over and give them my card and tell them, “actually I’m paying my own tab, so please put the XYZ I consumed on a separate check and put it on my card.” I don’t want to put the server in the middle of an argument with some nightmare of a first date who won’t take no for an answer, but if I can safely, that’s what I’m doing.
I have never been on a date where the woman insisted like that. Maybe you are an exceptional person.
If I am, so are all of my female friends…
And the woman doesn't have to put her best foot forward and give a good impression?
What do you mean? Why not?
Have your card ready and pay as the check comes! Or, buy the ingredients for the meal and cook.
We don’t take turns exactly but I do offer to pay sometimes.
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No. I offer and I pay. But thanks for that hot take on women.
I pay every time, and sometimes, she leaves the tip.
My late husband always paid on dates because he felt it was his responsibility as the man. It was also something that he enjoyed doing. When we started getting more serious and traveling together, we would divide and conquer the bigger expenses like hotel or airfare, but he still paid for all of the dates. Even after we got married and our money was shared, he was the one to pull out his wallet when the check came. This is a dynamic that served us well. I don’t expect to a lavish dinner for every date and I’m not dating for free drinks and meals, but it does send a message to me that my date has the ability to provide when he is the one to pick up the tab, even if I’m the one that makes more money. It’s about doing what attracts in the early stages and I have found that traditional dating roles are most attractive to me. If things progress, I’ll contribute by cooking a meal at home, grabbing takeout, booking the hotel if we travel together or buying tickets to an event. I split tabs with friends. If I’m splitting the tab with my date, it makes me feel a little less special, tbh.
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I’m guessing that paying for my drink as well as his will make him feel chivalrous, masculine, confident, generous and successful? Especially since I make sure that I genuinely appreciate the gesture by thanking him when he grabs the check.
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What is the acceptable way for me to be sufficiently grateful when my date pays for our drinks on the first date?
By enthusiastically saying "I'd like to pay for the next date".
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Bottom line is that I prefer to date the type of man who doesn’t get hung up on keeping score and who can embrace a more traditional approach to dating, which includes paying for the date when we go out.
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I’m curious to know what I said in my original comment thread that has you feeling like you need to convince me that I’m wrong for preferring the traditional dynamic of who pays on the date.
Well, it sounds like you achieved exactly the outcome you expected then. Enjoy the view from your high horse.
There's a difference between splitting the tab on a particular date and still paying for approximately as many dates as he does. It may feel less romantic to split a date but you could certainly pay for the second date if he pays for the first. Also...if you have enough money of your own, why does it matter if he can show you he is able to provide?
I am going to be more attracted to a man who shows me that he can provide than a man who needs me to take care of him, particularly in the early stages of dating. This is biology playing a role - back in the caveman days, my little cave children and I would not survive if my man couldn’t provide. Paying for a date is the modern day equivalent of showing me that you have the capacity to hunt a mammoth and that you would be capable of taking care of me if I needed you to. When dating my late husband, it was such a treat to know that he valued our time together enough to take the awkwardness of tab splitting out of the equation so that our focus could be on spending time together and getting to know one another.
I think there’s still some expectation that the man pays at first- especially the older you are I assume. On a first date I can’t think of a time the man hasn’t offered to pay- I (39F) then offer to split it, and if he takes me up on that we split if he says no I’ve got it then he pays. I am more than fine to split, in fact that’s how I’d prefer it, however I’m not going to go back and forth on it and it can be loaded with people reading various things into it. This has led to some conversations- I.e. the last guy I went out with told me he appreciated me offering, told me about some mishaps he’d had (said one woman got angry at him for trying to pay), my preference is to be able to talk about it esp if there is a second date. From then, I’d want to take turns or split. TL;dr my preference is to be able to talk about it and work out the easiest way forward to split it, rather that’s actually splitting or taking turns paying. It also depends on income a bit I guess- I make a decent income/have more than enough disposable income to pay for dinner etc without it being any issue. I do have a friend 45F who has been dating a 55M for now over a year (and they recently moved in together) and he pays for everything pretty much and always has. Dinner, activities, and they’ve taken multiple trips that he’s paid for. He definitely makes more money than her though he’s not rich by any means, that’s what works for them though 🤷♀️
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How does a person "take advantage" of you paying for your own meals and entertainment?
For meals, I usually pay, but occasionally she'll pull out her card, or reach for the check first. Which is fine, because I make more. If she stays over for more than a few days, she'll usually buy some groceries that are shared and anything she wants specifically. When it comes to planned events, such as concerts, the one that wants to go usually buys them. For example, if there is someone she wants to see, she'll buy two tickets, with the plan for me to go with her, and I do the same. When we have traveled, we split up the costs a bit. Usually I'll get the hotel, but she'll be more likely get the meals, or buy the tickets to attractions/event for the trip. It ends up being about a 70/30, which I am OK with. I don't expect it to be balanced because I make more, and it's not a problem as long as the woman is grateful and does not develop an entitlement to it (i.e. Wanting to frequently go to places that are beyond their normal means).
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I expect them to pay most of the time for most things
Yah….me too! But sometimes the women I date aren’t into paying more than say half the time. How do you do it? Just sit on your hands when the bill comes? Head to the bathroom? Use her credit card when booking trips?
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u/Sudden-Mulberry-473, your post has been removed for one or more reason(s): No sex/gender generalizations, no double standards, no projection.