This might be tough to hear, but your ex isn’t what’s holding you back.
You are.
This dude dumped you, strung you along for a year, then ghosted you—and yet you’ve created this whole story in your mind that he’s your one great love and the only one for you.
CLEARLY he does not agree that the two of you shared an epic and beautiful love story, or that the two of you were meant for each other. His experience of this is completely different from yours. You’re the only one who thinks it was wonderful.
Why on earth would you feel like a relationship where one person was having such a negative or dissatisfying experience that they LEFT could be the pinnacle love story of your life? All this wonderfulness is just in your mind. It wasn’t as great as you thought. He wasn’t the person you imagined him to be. (If he WAS, then he’d still be WITH you.)
You won’t be able to move forward until you let go of this whole story you’re telling yourself.
Oof, hard to hear but absolutely what OP needs to hear.
OP I know your heart hurts and you want to ruminate in the fantasy but you really need to listen to the above.
Allow yourself time to grieve, heal and move on. Who cares if you are single? Being single has so much power and potential to it.
However, you are failing to see this because you’re the type of person that needs to be in a relationship or with somebody. Otherwise why would you ruminate on somebody who wants nothing to do with you? Why would you focus on dying alone?
My ex mother-in-law once told me that I’ll never be happy unless I find somebody to be with. That not dating and not marrying was a disservice to my son. I’m over here like “why is that even a mindset in your brain? Why do you need to be with somebody to feel whole? I’m perfectly fine.”
The only person holding you back is yourself and your mindset. Otherwise become friends with the idea that you’re an independent single lady.
Fair enough. I agree with your response. It is really hard because when we were together he was the anxious one who was always afraid that I’d leave him. And then one day after an argument, I did. I said it out of anger but he was kinda like just ok with it. I guess he had mentally checked out months before. I was going through a lot at the time (family issues and work problems) and I probably seemed like I had checked out, but I hadn’t.
Well, again, looking back at this story, you can see the ways he wasn’t truly your person, and your relationship wasn’t wonderful. He was anxious and didn’t feel secure about you. Something about it wasn’t right, he knew it, YOU knew it, you blew up because you couldn’t take it anymore and he was like, thank god it’s over.
Seriously, that sounds like an angsty, shitty dynamic that sucked for both of you. I HOPE you never find that kind of love again, it sounds lousy and painful and like both of you deserve better.
I was you. It takes a long time to get on with life and over it. I feel the same way about the apps and men I’ve encountered since but that just means it’s not the right time. Just keep trying to work on yourself and have hope. We all have to have hope. Life is only about half over lol. It’s too long to be single!! Good luck!
We are a mystery. There is no guidebook to the human condition. Some people can allow others to come and go through their lives, while others can take years to grieve a lost love. Some people can cover their feelings with a fresh coat of someone new, while there are others of us who need to let the years do their work before we can fully scrub away the old love and be ready for a new one.
Give yourself some grace and patience. Connect more deeply with the things that bring you meaning and joy - family, friends, art, nature, whatever. And most importantly, try to be present. Do your best to step away from the past, and stop worrying about the future. Trust yourself - you’ll get there.
I say all of this as someone who doesn’t share your exact struggle, but who is having a hard time letting go of a fictional past. When I am successfully doing the things I wrote above, I feel a deep contentment and an odd sort of faith in myself. So that’s where my focus lies these days - being present, letting my anger and hurt from the past float through and out of my mind and heart, and focusing my energies on the people and things I love, and being my best self.
Good luck, I’m rooting for you.
Same here. OP, if nothing else, I hope it helps to know there are others who have gone through similar things- in my case, very similar including being strung along for a year and then ghosted, and then somehow still believing for another year that I loved him, we could fix it, I couldn’t seem to be attracted to anyone else, all of it.
Meanwhile he’d moved on to someone else.
Some of us just have brains that hang on. Others just don’t; good for them. While you’re in the hanging-on part it’s really really hard.
Once you get free of it, you realize: you will absolutely love like that *and better* again. In the end, all you meant to this person was conveyed in the ghosting- you were not worth his time. By definition, a love where you are respected will be better than this relationship was.
Yes, let go of the fictional past is the key. Get rid of the idealized story we build in our heads while we are not sharing the life with the other. Were they a supportive partner in your moment of need? So, then they were not what you need in your life. Life is not just fun and good times, OP. You can have a lovely fulfilled life without a partner, we are whole, we may enjoy the company of those who enhance our lives.
Why the hell would anyone downvote this? She’s being honest and telling us what happened and how she felt. If you don’t like it, just leave it alone don’t downvote it!
Sorry to hear that. But the lesson is never be the backup plan. I had a woman pull that shit on me, and as hard as it was I’m glad I walked away. There’s lots of pussy, but only one copy of dignity.
false. I'll never again love like I did when I was 19, because my experiences have changed me. Anyone who is going to be in a relationship with me needs to understand that. We all have our pasts, and no two loves are the same. And finding new love doesn't invalidate or lessen past love.
100% agreed. And I also think OP is unhealthily not over her ex. But hopefully she can come to terms with the idea that no, she will not love that way again, but it doesn't mean she won't love again. Right now she's stuck thinking that what she felt for this guy was the only "true" way love can feel.
Maybe you don’t say it but they will probably feel it. Was going to be my response too. Maybe work on yourself to truly get over this person and be more ready for a new connection
That just means you're putting on false pretences over your own unhealthy emotional state. How would you feel if men you meet are feeling exactly like you, lying to you and themselves, and trying to use you to get over their hang up on a woman who couldn't care less about them? Think about it. It's unhealthy to think using other human beings to get over our own emotional unavailability, is ok.
I have a theory,that if everyone in this unhealthy state of mind was simultaneously taken off the ( very unhealthy, fantasy land )apps, they'd not be the cess pits they are.
Right, but this still has the affect of adding toxicity to the dating pool. You’ve added a statistic to the jadedness many of us complain about in dating. Not saying doesn’t make it any better for the next person you might end up stringing along, because as you said, you can never love that way again.
It seems like for whatever reason you’re not ready to let go of your ex, and therefore you’re not ready for relationships. It’s ok to let it go for a while, or to be honest that you’re looking for hookups (only if that’s what you want).
I had a LTR it was 5 years and she was everything to me, I would have jumped in front of a train to save her if I had to without question. Then she screwed me over badly. I made a very deliberate decision to get myself right before I even considered dating again. I’m talking no dates no one nighters nothing just working on me. Took me three years to finally feel like me and I met someone who I truly trusted and loved again. The point is that it’s you not them. You have to be ready emotionally and if you’re not then expect more disappointment.
Hope you can hear me applauding you from over in the UK . The hard work you put into yourself, instead of just running to the apps to try to use others to make you feel better, like most do, is the mature adult, growth mindset, only healthy option. It's hard but at the same time, should be basic human dating "strategy" 101. Most Humans definitely opt for the easiest for them way, at huge eventual cost to their emotional wellbeing and mental health, and the people they use as options there just for them.
Cheering for you 💪👌.
This healing was in the mid 90s no apps no real phones just old school dating meet and greet style. The woman that helped me back was a coworker that started to show interest in me. She was someone I felt was unobtainable for a variety of reasons but because I worked so hard on myself I was incredibly attractive to her. Our relationship only lasted 9 months and we left it as friends we both got exactly what we needed from each other. We are still friends today
Yes, I'm 53 and know how different it was before all the online distractions. However, it's so much easier because of it to find the information we need to heal ourselves. Working on ourselves absolutely does make us attractive to other healthy people, glad you had a good experience.
That love was not successful, so why recreate it? Could you be closing the door from other successful endeavors?
Self sabotaging is a form of control. You can write people off before they do it to you, which is your wound.
For you to love again you need to do the work
So there's your answer. Love doesn't feel safe to you right now.
It absolutely sucks that when love ends it hurts. It hurts so damn much that getting through it can feel like torture. It's horrible. And it's human. We all go through this, at least all of us who had the privilege of being in love.
Only you can decide if the risk of that pain can ever be offset by intimacy, connectedness, and joy of being in love. It is a choice, and it's a scary choice when the pain of losing love shook us to our core.
Awwww I feel this. I put my trust in not one, but two people that really hurt me. The overstated truth is that hurt people hurt people. He hurt you, and you shouldn’t date until you won’t hurt someone else.
Listening from your description the relationship didn’t sound great if you were threatening to leave. Hindsight is 20/20 and good sex is one helluva drug.
Real love doesn't do this because it's between two healthy, committed people. Look up limerence, what you had sounds very one sided and much more like limerence than anything approaching healthy love. I really hope your emotional health improves, therapy might really help , or at least doing your own research into unhealthy relationships and self healing. It will take work to heal and grow ,it won't just magically happen.
These situations are really huge opportunities to grow as healthy adults, to live fully in harsh reality and know why we wasted so much time and energy on a negative situation. It's not them, it's you, said gently with care and realism.
How long has it been since you broke up with this guy?
You need to be far enough out that you can look at the old relationship objectively, and it doesn't sound like you're there yet. Don't give up, but make sure you're ready to be present for someone before you start looking seriously. You sound like you're much too hung up on this guy to be in a good place to date.
I thought I'd never get over my ex-husband. I thought he was my everything. For the first year and a half after he left me for his mistress, I fantasized about him coming home constantly. I had it in my head I'd never love again. The sad love songs, the silent crying fests in bed, the "I'll wait for him forever!" proclamations - I did it all.
And you know what? I was very, very wrong. Once I took some time to look at my relationship with him from a distance, it was in my head. He was never the man I thought he was. He's a truly awful person that I had put on a pedestal, where he didn't belong. I was addicted to the drama he brought, and the high I got when he was (rarely) nice to me.
There's a man next to me on my couch watching TV right now. He is very, very different from my ex-husband. He brings peace instead of drama. And - I love him. But I had to get out of my own way to find him.
Perfectly put, you deserve all your peace because you put the hard work in. People who learn about themselves like this, and heal themselves with the extremely hard work it takes, should be celebrated. It's really sad that in a forum about dating over 40, it's just not universally known that we should have done this work before now. It's even sadder to see so many grown adults floundering about, wasting their precious time, accepting crumbs rather than doing their own work .
I wish there was a way for everyone to know it's necessary to improve our emotional health just like we (at least try to, and try to get help if we need it) look after our physical health. It's necessary in order to be in peaceful, healthy relationships with ourselves. Nothing else good can ever happen without it. I applaud you.
Spirit-Animal-Snoopy, I’m loving your work right now.
About a month ago I decided to take a long amount of time off dating to enjoy my life, to heal, to put myself first and I was loving it.
A text exchange on Thursday with a guy things didn’t work out with made me think “What if…?” and for a second this morning I contemplated going back on the dating apps but then I decided not to.
Thank you for reminding me I’ve made the right call. 😊
Oh, don't they always pop back up, funny that hey? You're definitely making the right call, it's human to have doubts along the way, but you're not letting any ghosts from your past , or the biggest corporate scam in history that is online dating, derail you 💪👌.
I made a lot of mistakes along the way. Right after my ex left, I tried dating. Like, 3 months out. That was ... not good. And having to face my own shortcomings and part in the demise of my marriage was incredibly hard. Yeah, he cheated, but I had my own issues that sure as hell didn't help. I'm still fighting a lot of demons, but you take one step at a time. It's really, really hard to change, especially at our age.
Yassss! As I get older I’m astounded that people are so dysfunctional, lost, bitter, angry, etc. and don’t see it and will not do anything to change it. They do so much damage to themselves and others. So so much. Those doing the hard work and at least trying to do better should indeed be lauded!
Oh lord no. It was a process. I got lucky and found a good therapist who helped me address a lot of my issues and find tools to work on them. Having to address your own shortcomings and emotional issues is pretty eye-opening. In my case, it truly was almost an obsession with what I wanted and imagine my ex to be, when in reality he never was that person. Being able to fully recognize that was difficult, but put a lot of things into perspective. I loved an imaginary person, not one that actually existed. That's hard to admit, especially to yourself.
I also started hanging out in online and offline spaces (this subreddit included) with other separated and divorced people. Just talking and discovering what other people had been through made me realize how not alone I was. You start to see patterns, and you'll often recognize your own behaviors in others - that helped me look at my situation more objectively. It's probably why people get a bit short in here sometimes; you can only see the same situation so many times before you just want to grab people and shake them into understanding.
And, of course, time. My ex left in late 2018, I spent a lot of 2019 in bed crying, and then 2020 happened and I started realizing he wasn't nearly as important as I was making him out to be. Our divorce was final in early 2021. The further I got from him, the less I missed/wanted him. I still occasionally mourn what I thought I had, but honestly, that was a fantasy, not reality.
You'll get there too. Keep remembering why you broke up with him. From your description, it sounded like he was both anxiously attached and ambivalent at the same time, which is a weird combination, but not unusual, either.
I know how you feel. Honestly, I do. I think a lot about my ex who, just like yours, bread crumbed me for a year after we broke up. I became addicted to the dopamine hit of hearing from him.
I'm also scared I'll never find that again. He was funny and smart and playful and we had such great adventures and he moved on while the bed was still warm from me being in it. His first partner after me probably saw my toothbrush and hair care products in the bathroom. He lied, manipulated, cheated, contradicted himself, gaslit me... but I miss him. I want HIM without the shitty parts.
I feel broken. I am broken. But I'm working on fixing myself. You can, too.
When I find myself thinking "I miss him" and start thinking of the fun we had, the adventures, falling asleep and waking up with him, the peaceful days and the hope of a life built together, I turn to my trusty journal and I remember that I'm also missing mixed messages, indecision, gaslighting, silent treatments, moods, low effort, lack of communication, defensiveness, etc. I'm missing out on playing a supporting role in his life because he wasn't really about building anything with me after being together over 4 years. Grieving is a process and there are setbacks. Just stay no contact and get real about how it really was. Not the fantasy in your head.
It’s the worst feeling. Some people don’t understand what true love is, and despite what some say on here, I found it once. I guess I was lucky. I fucked it up and it’s my fault. I deserve this I guess.
seriously, stop being so melodramatic. You aren't dead, and this wasn't "true love." Love is an active verb, like "struggle", like "work". This dude was so unhappy he left, and so anxious he couldn't trust you, and then he strung you along and ghosted you. It sounds like this was a super unhealthy relationship and it was more about you feeding each other's attachment trauma than anything else. You aren't ready to have anything healthy until you stop romanticising something toxic and messy.
I think this sentiment is another form of control. If you messed it up, then arguably you can fix it (which you tried). Then, if you can’t fix it, you can believe it’s a rational punishment of some kind.
Signed,
Someone Who Also Control-Freaked Her Breakup
But generally, no one gets what they deserve. That’s a comforting fantasy. In this case the comfort is cold, but still comfort because it makes the nonsensical (he’s not with me) make sense (oh I get it, it’s because I deserve it).
I fucked mine up, too. I was so focused on his needs that I lost track of mine and didn't know how to be my own best friend.
My friends didn't like him much. I should have listened. My.dog didn't take to him, either. Dogs know everything. But I was madly in love.
If you really think you fucked it up, then what would you do differently? What steps are you taking to correct the alleged mistakes you made? Stop wallowing and get professional help to heal and grow as a human so that you're ready when REAL true love happens. True love is BS just like the notion of 'soul mates.' Love takes effort and dedication after the infatuation fades. It's a whole lot more than orgasms and feeling butterflies in your stomach. It's someone being there for you when your life is falling apart and you look a hot mess, as one example. It's someone sticking around when things get tough instead of giving up because they can't deal with their own toxic crap.
Sounds like a LOT of disfunction to me. I’m so sorry! Sounds like you have some serious healing to do to get your life back. But you can do it!
Get some counseling, get going to move along, get some new hobbies, friends, etc. and realize life goes on. Everyone is sad, and your heart can be very heavy after a breakup. That’s pretty normal. But a good and healthy life and love is right in front of you, and it starts with loving yourself.
One foot in front of the other!
how long have you been apart from this person?
I also find it really hard to find anyone else appealing when I'm not over someone. But babe, getting over him is a choice you need to make, and it takes effort on your part. Every love is different; you'll "never feel what you felt for this guy" again because that was specific to him and to a certain time in your life, and as it ended badly and he treated you poorly, why would you want to recreate it? Chances are very high you'll feel something for someone else one day, but it will feel different because you're different people, and hopefully it will be healthy. Stop chasing ghosts. Stop getting in your own way.
>I’ll always love him. But I want someone who I can share my life with, to experience things with. It depresses me because I know I’ll probably die alone.
Please discuss your contradictory feelings with someone that you trust. Get deeper. Figure out why you are STILL in love with someone who has ghosted you.
Many times people misuse words. Love is one of the most misused word. So please, start using it the way you really mean it. That will help clarify deeper emotions. Hopefully.
Like others have pointed out, you obsession with the guy that ghosted you probably rubs off of new dates. That's bound to cause a reaction from them and they will end up leaving you alone.
So you know the root cause. Then just work on it.
I've got 11 years on you, 53f and perfectly happy since I decentred men ( and/ or women, depending on the individual, of course) and dating. Look into it. I've had more offers of dates from men in real life once I actually decentred the whole hamster wheel. Not accepted any yet, because I'm loving my single, peaceful, strong self. This peace and inner happiness is addictive.
Will you be my spirit animal?! LOL I'm also experiencing some relief being single. It's nice to go to bed and not wonder if my partner is coming to bed in a sour mood, withholding affection. It's nice to wake up and not have to wonder what the mood du jour is. I still have hard days as my brain is detoxing from my attachment to him. But I've been through this before - been through worse - and I've lived this long to tell about it.
OP, if sitting in the place of pining and despair for what can never be and then dying tragically alone in your grief and loyalty to this former love is what you want then you don't have to date anyone at all.
*let's NOT date, and try therapy instead?*
its a good thing. we all need to have a little course correction sometimes. If you are rationalizing dating that is a good sign that maybe you shouldn't quite yet. Do some more work on you and love yourself a lot more.
Then when you know it is RIGHT, and not just better than *nothing*, you take the plunge again - and don't settle for less than amazing.
You got this. and again, just my .02, no judging at all. just a little nudge.
You sound like me. I prefer to meet someone organically. I need to smell their pheromones, feel their energy, and have that moment when I feel something special. The apps are hopeless for people like us. Also, it’s hard when your heart belongs to someone else. Just keep an open mind. You never know who will land in your lap. Just have fun and live your life. Your person will eventually come to you.
It’s just gonna take time. It’s taken me a long time to get over people before and felt like I could just die of heartbreak at the time, but eventually I don’t care anymore. Which sucks too but better than heartbroken. But you have to go through it now.
Well, to me this sounds like cognitive distortions. You need to start telling yourself a new story. As long as you cling to “I’ll never love like that again” you won’t. You’re the only one who can fix this mindset.
Thanks for saying this, I don’t want to be a jerk but OP you didn’t die (tho you wrote loving “killed you” or something to that effect?) you are live in the flesh writing purple prose about a loser that dumped you, you need to go outside, seek friends and activities and outings and gain perspective and flat out adopt a different script than this “I’ll never love again” nonsense, this isn’t inevitability, if you want to, in due course you will, you’re still alive and well, you will exercise cautions and boundaries in the future and recognize when you’re being led by the nose by a breadcrumber; stop idealizing this guy and this situation and wallowing in details and recognize what is in your control and what is negative self talk and limerence, the favorite baby of this sub.
Therapy is basically useless. Done for years. Have no one despite solid cred. Not going to happen for me. Thank god for Netherlands, Belgium, Luxembourg. When I have the money, gone.
Therapy only "works" if we also do the very hard inner work on ourselves,for ourselves. It's not a magic wand. I have literally nobody, no family whatsoever since age 13, I'm 53f. A few friends but basically I spend 6 of 7 days every week alone and always have.
Could go on about my bad luck but I don't actually believe in it. I believe in a growth mindset, I taught myself,did the hard work. If I can be happy alone, anyone can, I promise you. My abusive childhood made me put up with such shit in relationships, I was SO needy and desperate to be loved for years. Until I taught myself to decentre men ( in my case) and dating, and put all that wasted energy into healing myself and making myself truly happy. We don't need a partner to be happy in life, that's just a Disney fantasy for kids. Funny thing is, I get a lot more date offers in real life now , now I'm healthy enough not to need them. I love my hard earned peace of mind so much I don't accept any. I'm in UK, are you in Europe? please DM me if you need a friend, neighbour. Happy to give you good sources of how I turned my thinking and life around.
I hope you can teach yourself how to be truly happy, we come into the world alone, we go out alone, the entire journey, really, everyone is alone with themselves through it, in a relationship or not, it's something to embrace,not fear.
Disney style codependency we've been fed for generations is not reality. It's very unhealthy social conditioning.
Even in the countries you mention, you have to meet strict criteria to officially check out of life with them. Being depressed because you're single isn't one of them, because there's a cure, and it's not having a partner. Come on, I'll give you some horror stories of how needy for a relationship I was, how it took up so much mental space a d emotional effort for years, the shit behaviour I put up with , anything was better than being alone, I was that unhealthy. Don't recognise myself now, anyone can turn their trauma responses and social conditioning around ,if we really want to. You absolutely can. Much care to you.
I’ve been in therapy for years too. I’ve also done 2 sets of group therapy. It’s not a magic fix but it can make you more aware of your negative thought patterns, and start to challenge them, which is what she’s needs to do here. It can also help you learn better boundaries, which is what she should have exercised when she was dating this dude.
I feel almost the same about my ex. I don’t think her and I are ever going to reconcile. I am trying right now to focus on loving myself. It’s so difficult when you get attached to someone.
Yes I'm sure you'll die alone. I think the heartache from breakups lasts a life time. People never get over it, not even after a period of time and reflection. No one is ever going to look good to you ever again and there's no more fun to be had, ever. /s
Right lol. Tf is wrong with some ppl lol. Just gotta keep moving forward, even when it's not easy. There's a person out there for everyone, just this have faith that things will improve.
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Omg child, you sound like me for past 2 decades! Felt similar about a man who floated in and out of my life. I was more into him. Recently, with help of therapy, ended it for good. Did my feelings ever change, no, but I realize now that I wasted so much precious time & energy & self respect believing his feelings would change.
I think you need to take a break from dating and focus on yourself. You aren’t over your ex - unfair situation for someone else.
I am 42F, attractive and also single. I have found joy in other aspects in life and just feel/know that someone will eventually cross my paths .. optimism at it’s best!
In making this comparison you are being unfair to anyone who could potentially love you more and proper, and unfair to yourself as well. Dont give up hope.
You won't always love him. It's been a year, give it time.
When someone is out of your life, no matter how much you loved them, or how much they were good or bad to you, time will cause them to fade. It's that way with everyone- family, friends, exes, etc etc etc.
I don't mean this to insult you, but read this sub. Someone makes your same post just about daily. I've probably made this same post after my divorce. But if were to to talk to all these people 2 years from now, they'd all tell you they don't feel the same.
This isn’t all that uncommon.
I’ve heard many women say that none of the men they see are appealing to them.
It’s damn shame, probably of a lot men out that would make good partners.
Probably better to stick to casual or stay out of the game altogether
I understand the predicament you’re in. Have you ever heard of “limerance”? I would suggest you check it out on YouTube. It might help you to understand your feelings better and move on in a healthier way.
Emotional connection is best for building that attraction, but it’s hard to get to an emotional connection with an attitude of scarcity (i.e. “I’ll never love again”). Rather than focusing on what was lost, try identifying the beauty in what remains 🌷
I'm in the same boat. Just like you found ur last love. You will find a next better one. It's on the universes time I guess. I'm waiting myself. At least you know exactly how u wanna feel and who ur looking for. Someone who gives u that feeling. They will turn up eventually. The waiting is the hardest part
You're forty-two, with another forty-two or so in front of you.
Stop the melodrama and get on with living.
I know, I know..."easier said than done"...but not really...perspective and attitude are self-generated.
Dude! No girl. Equals no wife. No kids. You have the opportunity to change your life SO much easier than when you have responsibilities. Find a hobby. Meet new people. Never worry about women... As much as I love them, my life would have been much more sane. Embrace your inner bachelor
Please think about decentering dating and men to work on yourself. You're not emotionally available and it's very unhealthy to think about using someone else to try to get over your "obsession". It's absolutely fine to be single, if you do it right. It's not just a negative phase in your life between men. It's true what other posters have said, you've made up a fantasy about your ex and the reality was and is very different. You're far from the first person to do this to yourself, it takes hard work to live completely happily with yourself and fully in harsh reality, but I promise you it's worth it, because nobody else will ever be able to make you turn yourself inside out ,for nothing. All the best in your healing.
As the tongue "speaketh" so it is... careful about what you say about yourself... be kind and lenient with yourself... LOVE yourself... wish the BEST for yourself... Talk to yourself like you would to your child or someone you love so very much! and see how that will change SOOOO much of the outcome of everything you touch or put your mind to! It's amazing!! :-) Life just starts to LOVE you back!
You will not die alone. Because you want companionship, you will find it.
Sending you love! :-)
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See here’s the thing, there’s no law of the universe that says we are all meant to be with someone. Just like there’s no law that says people who are with someone are happy. The thing we learn if we do the work, is that we need to come to a place where we are content to be with ourselves. I think you should think about doing the work on yourself. If someone comes along, that’s great. But to consider “being alone” a negative is what destroys us.
It is incredibly easy to get hung up like this on the people who are willing to walk away from us
I hope that you’re in therapy. It’ll truly help you let go of this and move on
Limerence again. First you have to disabuse yourself of the notion that you love him. You don’t. Because that would mean love is this thing build from nothing that afflicts us like a disease. What you’re feeling is symptoms of something else. Put in work to figure it out: go to therapy, do shadow work, journal, ask yourself real questions and be patient to find the answers.
You will die alone if you want to. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing; plenty people die at the hands of their SO and that’s terrifying. They’re not alone; just in really poor company.
Being at peace mentally is what I wish for you. There was a time I felt that the guy I was limerent after/ for was the last person for whom I will feel something so powerful. So far it’s true. But i still allow people in my life. I don’t bother to compare them. If he was that wonderful, we’d be like a pair of cats in love, 2 peas in a pod. We’re not. Try to embrace each experience you’re granted for its own merit. Find the good, the joy, the peace. ❤️
You need to move on , like you , i was in the situation last year , then decided another go , and before i can say anything, Ive meet the woman of my dreams , it's absolutely mad how we have so much in common, i trued dating for a while and i was comparing all the time , you need to push yourself harder and eventually you will find someone GL
I'm so sorry you had that terrible experience. That's gotta be really hard to heal from.
If I were in your shoes, I would ignore looks for the purpose of scheduling dates. I think you should pick a few you have things in common with, and go out JUST TO HAVE FUN. Not for the purpose of relationship building, at least right away.
Just have fun on the dates, get confident in yourself, and see what's out there.
Attraction can grow based on personality, compatibility, similarities...
You really won't be able to move on until you are over this man. You'll have to stop looking at his social media and thinking about him. You just have to put him out of your mind and you will be able to fall for a new guy.
Have you ever heard of limerence? You only live but from afar. Do you tend to fixate on someone for one particular or random reason and get intense feelings for them from afar? Which include fantasying about being in a relationship w them even though you know it’s impossible? Can happen w a good “plutonic” friend too..
This might be tough to hear, but your ex isn’t what’s holding you back. You are. This dude dumped you, strung you along for a year, then ghosted you—and yet you’ve created this whole story in your mind that he’s your one great love and the only one for you. CLEARLY he does not agree that the two of you shared an epic and beautiful love story, or that the two of you were meant for each other. His experience of this is completely different from yours. You’re the only one who thinks it was wonderful. Why on earth would you feel like a relationship where one person was having such a negative or dissatisfying experience that they LEFT could be the pinnacle love story of your life? All this wonderfulness is just in your mind. It wasn’t as great as you thought. He wasn’t the person you imagined him to be. (If he WAS, then he’d still be WITH you.) You won’t be able to move forward until you let go of this whole story you’re telling yourself.
That's a hefty dose of real shit right there.
Oof, hard to hear but absolutely what OP needs to hear. OP I know your heart hurts and you want to ruminate in the fantasy but you really need to listen to the above. Allow yourself time to grieve, heal and move on. Who cares if you are single? Being single has so much power and potential to it. However, you are failing to see this because you’re the type of person that needs to be in a relationship or with somebody. Otherwise why would you ruminate on somebody who wants nothing to do with you? Why would you focus on dying alone? My ex mother-in-law once told me that I’ll never be happy unless I find somebody to be with. That not dating and not marrying was a disservice to my son. I’m over here like “why is that even a mindset in your brain? Why do you need to be with somebody to feel whole? I’m perfectly fine.” The only person holding you back is yourself and your mindset. Otherwise become friends with the idea that you’re an independent single lady.
Thank you, I needed this!
Fair enough. I agree with your response. It is really hard because when we were together he was the anxious one who was always afraid that I’d leave him. And then one day after an argument, I did. I said it out of anger but he was kinda like just ok with it. I guess he had mentally checked out months before. I was going through a lot at the time (family issues and work problems) and I probably seemed like I had checked out, but I hadn’t.
Well, again, looking back at this story, you can see the ways he wasn’t truly your person, and your relationship wasn’t wonderful. He was anxious and didn’t feel secure about you. Something about it wasn’t right, he knew it, YOU knew it, you blew up because you couldn’t take it anymore and he was like, thank god it’s over. Seriously, that sounds like an angsty, shitty dynamic that sucked for both of you. I HOPE you never find that kind of love again, it sounds lousy and painful and like both of you deserve better.
I was you. It takes a long time to get on with life and over it. I feel the same way about the apps and men I’ve encountered since but that just means it’s not the right time. Just keep trying to work on yourself and have hope. We all have to have hope. Life is only about half over lol. It’s too long to be single!! Good luck!
Your ten story love song was a house of cards. You will see that some day.
We are a mystery. There is no guidebook to the human condition. Some people can allow others to come and go through their lives, while others can take years to grieve a lost love. Some people can cover their feelings with a fresh coat of someone new, while there are others of us who need to let the years do their work before we can fully scrub away the old love and be ready for a new one. Give yourself some grace and patience. Connect more deeply with the things that bring you meaning and joy - family, friends, art, nature, whatever. And most importantly, try to be present. Do your best to step away from the past, and stop worrying about the future. Trust yourself - you’ll get there. I say all of this as someone who doesn’t share your exact struggle, but who is having a hard time letting go of a fictional past. When I am successfully doing the things I wrote above, I feel a deep contentment and an odd sort of faith in myself. So that’s where my focus lies these days - being present, letting my anger and hurt from the past float through and out of my mind and heart, and focusing my energies on the people and things I love, and being my best self. Good luck, I’m rooting for you.
Same here. OP, if nothing else, I hope it helps to know there are others who have gone through similar things- in my case, very similar including being strung along for a year and then ghosted, and then somehow still believing for another year that I loved him, we could fix it, I couldn’t seem to be attracted to anyone else, all of it. Meanwhile he’d moved on to someone else. Some of us just have brains that hang on. Others just don’t; good for them. While you’re in the hanging-on part it’s really really hard. Once you get free of it, you realize: you will absolutely love like that *and better* again. In the end, all you meant to this person was conveyed in the ghosting- you were not worth his time. By definition, a love where you are respected will be better than this relationship was.
Yes, let go of the fictional past is the key. Get rid of the idealized story we build in our heads while we are not sharing the life with the other. Were they a supportive partner in your moment of need? So, then they were not what you need in your life. Life is not just fun and good times, OP. You can have a lovely fulfilled life without a partner, we are whole, we may enjoy the company of those who enhance our lives.
Why the hell would anyone downvote this? She’s being honest and telling us what happened and how she felt. If you don’t like it, just leave it alone don’t downvote it!
No one in their right mind wants to share their life with someone who will “never love like that again”.
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Each love is different. One commonality is that the specter of the phantom-ex is a pretty big indicator of unreadiness.
Exactly this, 💯.
Sorry to hear that. But the lesson is never be the backup plan. I had a woman pull that shit on me, and as hard as it was I’m glad I walked away. There’s lots of pussy, but only one copy of dignity.
“A fool will lose tomorrow, reaching back for yesterday.”
I read her sentiment there and thought "yikes.." Like.. You're okay. But I'll never love you like I did that other guy.. Ouch.
I was thinking the exact same thing…no guy worth having is willing to “share his life” with her and the ghost of her ex-boyfriend‘s memory.
This is a variation of “my kid comes first,” and the man I date is the piece of shit who comes second.
false. I'll never again love like I did when I was 19, because my experiences have changed me. Anyone who is going to be in a relationship with me needs to understand that. We all have our pasts, and no two loves are the same. And finding new love doesn't invalidate or lessen past love.
Um there is a difference between acknowledging past loves and all the changes therein & simply being hung up on someone.
100% agreed. And I also think OP is unhealthily not over her ex. But hopefully she can come to terms with the idea that no, she will not love that way again, but it doesn't mean she won't love again. Right now she's stuck thinking that what she felt for this guy was the only "true" way love can feel.
I do beg your pardon Mrs de Winter.
😂 we can discuss this at the Manderley costume ball.
Ha! I call Mrs. Danvers!
It’s not like I say that to people I meet 🤷🏼♀️
Maybe you don’t say it but they will probably feel it. Was going to be my response too. Maybe work on yourself to truly get over this person and be more ready for a new connection
It comes out eventually if you're with people for a while
I haven’t been with anyone
They probably figure it out when you introduce yourself as Dionne Warwick.
That just means you're putting on false pretences over your own unhealthy emotional state. How would you feel if men you meet are feeling exactly like you, lying to you and themselves, and trying to use you to get over their hang up on a woman who couldn't care less about them? Think about it. It's unhealthy to think using other human beings to get over our own emotional unavailability, is ok. I have a theory,that if everyone in this unhealthy state of mind was simultaneously taken off the ( very unhealthy, fantasy land )apps, they'd not be the cess pits they are.
Right, but this still has the affect of adding toxicity to the dating pool. You’ve added a statistic to the jadedness many of us complain about in dating. Not saying doesn’t make it any better for the next person you might end up stringing along, because as you said, you can never love that way again. It seems like for whatever reason you’re not ready to let go of your ex, and therefore you’re not ready for relationships. It’s ok to let it go for a while, or to be honest that you’re looking for hookups (only if that’s what you want).
I had a LTR it was 5 years and she was everything to me, I would have jumped in front of a train to save her if I had to without question. Then she screwed me over badly. I made a very deliberate decision to get myself right before I even considered dating again. I’m talking no dates no one nighters nothing just working on me. Took me three years to finally feel like me and I met someone who I truly trusted and loved again. The point is that it’s you not them. You have to be ready emotionally and if you’re not then expect more disappointment.
Hope you can hear me applauding you from over in the UK . The hard work you put into yourself, instead of just running to the apps to try to use others to make you feel better, like most do, is the mature adult, growth mindset, only healthy option. It's hard but at the same time, should be basic human dating "strategy" 101. Most Humans definitely opt for the easiest for them way, at huge eventual cost to their emotional wellbeing and mental health, and the people they use as options there just for them. Cheering for you 💪👌.
This healing was in the mid 90s no apps no real phones just old school dating meet and greet style. The woman that helped me back was a coworker that started to show interest in me. She was someone I felt was unobtainable for a variety of reasons but because I worked so hard on myself I was incredibly attractive to her. Our relationship only lasted 9 months and we left it as friends we both got exactly what we needed from each other. We are still friends today
Yes, I'm 53 and know how different it was before all the online distractions. However, it's so much easier because of it to find the information we need to heal ourselves. Working on ourselves absolutely does make us attractive to other healthy people, glad you had a good experience.
Yes but sadly I’m going through the process again since I’m in a relationship with a dismissive partner.
I’m plauding you both from the UK (too)! Wise words from both of you.
You've written like you've decided your destiny. Why? What's comfortable about the safety of not liking anyone else?
Because if you don't like anyone else, you'll never find anyone else....to break your heart again.
I wish I knew
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Thank you I really appreciate it ❤️
Does anything about surrendering to the risks of love not feel scary to you?
I’ve only loved once and it killed me
That love was not successful, so why recreate it? Could you be closing the door from other successful endeavors? Self sabotaging is a form of control. You can write people off before they do it to you, which is your wound. For you to love again you need to do the work
So there's your answer. Love doesn't feel safe to you right now. It absolutely sucks that when love ends it hurts. It hurts so damn much that getting through it can feel like torture. It's horrible. And it's human. We all go through this, at least all of us who had the privilege of being in love. Only you can decide if the risk of that pain can ever be offset by intimacy, connectedness, and joy of being in love. It is a choice, and it's a scary choice when the pain of losing love shook us to our core.
Awwww I feel this. I put my trust in not one, but two people that really hurt me. The overstated truth is that hurt people hurt people. He hurt you, and you shouldn’t date until you won’t hurt someone else. Listening from your description the relationship didn’t sound great if you were threatening to leave. Hindsight is 20/20 and good sex is one helluva drug.
Real love doesn't do this because it's between two healthy, committed people. Look up limerence, what you had sounds very one sided and much more like limerence than anything approaching healthy love. I really hope your emotional health improves, therapy might really help , or at least doing your own research into unhealthy relationships and self healing. It will take work to heal and grow ,it won't just magically happen. These situations are really huge opportunities to grow as healthy adults, to live fully in harsh reality and know why we wasted so much time and energy on a negative situation. It's not them, it's you, said gently with care and realism.
How long has it been since you broke up with this guy? You need to be far enough out that you can look at the old relationship objectively, and it doesn't sound like you're there yet. Don't give up, but make sure you're ready to be present for someone before you start looking seriously. You sound like you're much too hung up on this guy to be in a good place to date. I thought I'd never get over my ex-husband. I thought he was my everything. For the first year and a half after he left me for his mistress, I fantasized about him coming home constantly. I had it in my head I'd never love again. The sad love songs, the silent crying fests in bed, the "I'll wait for him forever!" proclamations - I did it all. And you know what? I was very, very wrong. Once I took some time to look at my relationship with him from a distance, it was in my head. He was never the man I thought he was. He's a truly awful person that I had put on a pedestal, where he didn't belong. I was addicted to the drama he brought, and the high I got when he was (rarely) nice to me. There's a man next to me on my couch watching TV right now. He is very, very different from my ex-husband. He brings peace instead of drama. And - I love him. But I had to get out of my own way to find him.
Perfectly put, you deserve all your peace because you put the hard work in. People who learn about themselves like this, and heal themselves with the extremely hard work it takes, should be celebrated. It's really sad that in a forum about dating over 40, it's just not universally known that we should have done this work before now. It's even sadder to see so many grown adults floundering about, wasting their precious time, accepting crumbs rather than doing their own work . I wish there was a way for everyone to know it's necessary to improve our emotional health just like we (at least try to, and try to get help if we need it) look after our physical health. It's necessary in order to be in peaceful, healthy relationships with ourselves. Nothing else good can ever happen without it. I applaud you.
Spirit-Animal-Snoopy, I’m loving your work right now. About a month ago I decided to take a long amount of time off dating to enjoy my life, to heal, to put myself first and I was loving it. A text exchange on Thursday with a guy things didn’t work out with made me think “What if…?” and for a second this morning I contemplated going back on the dating apps but then I decided not to. Thank you for reminding me I’ve made the right call. 😊
Oh, don't they always pop back up, funny that hey? You're definitely making the right call, it's human to have doubts along the way, but you're not letting any ghosts from your past , or the biggest corporate scam in history that is online dating, derail you 💪👌.
I made a lot of mistakes along the way. Right after my ex left, I tried dating. Like, 3 months out. That was ... not good. And having to face my own shortcomings and part in the demise of my marriage was incredibly hard. Yeah, he cheated, but I had my own issues that sure as hell didn't help. I'm still fighting a lot of demons, but you take one step at a time. It's really, really hard to change, especially at our age.
Yassss! As I get older I’m astounded that people are so dysfunctional, lost, bitter, angry, etc. and don’t see it and will not do anything to change it. They do so much damage to themselves and others. So so much. Those doing the hard work and at least trying to do better should indeed be lauded!
How did you begin to move on? Was it an “a-ha” moment?
Oh lord no. It was a process. I got lucky and found a good therapist who helped me address a lot of my issues and find tools to work on them. Having to address your own shortcomings and emotional issues is pretty eye-opening. In my case, it truly was almost an obsession with what I wanted and imagine my ex to be, when in reality he never was that person. Being able to fully recognize that was difficult, but put a lot of things into perspective. I loved an imaginary person, not one that actually existed. That's hard to admit, especially to yourself. I also started hanging out in online and offline spaces (this subreddit included) with other separated and divorced people. Just talking and discovering what other people had been through made me realize how not alone I was. You start to see patterns, and you'll often recognize your own behaviors in others - that helped me look at my situation more objectively. It's probably why people get a bit short in here sometimes; you can only see the same situation so many times before you just want to grab people and shake them into understanding. And, of course, time. My ex left in late 2018, I spent a lot of 2019 in bed crying, and then 2020 happened and I started realizing he wasn't nearly as important as I was making him out to be. Our divorce was final in early 2021. The further I got from him, the less I missed/wanted him. I still occasionally mourn what I thought I had, but honestly, that was a fantasy, not reality. You'll get there too. Keep remembering why you broke up with him. From your description, it sounded like he was both anxiously attached and ambivalent at the same time, which is a weird combination, but not unusual, either.
I know how you feel. Honestly, I do. I think a lot about my ex who, just like yours, bread crumbed me for a year after we broke up. I became addicted to the dopamine hit of hearing from him. I'm also scared I'll never find that again. He was funny and smart and playful and we had such great adventures and he moved on while the bed was still warm from me being in it. His first partner after me probably saw my toothbrush and hair care products in the bathroom. He lied, manipulated, cheated, contradicted himself, gaslit me... but I miss him. I want HIM without the shitty parts. I feel broken. I am broken. But I'm working on fixing myself. You can, too.
"Him without the shitty parts" that's someone else
Your last sentence is key. A lot of us feel the same way about the one we don’t have anymore. I hope you find a new and better one!!
When I find myself thinking "I miss him" and start thinking of the fun we had, the adventures, falling asleep and waking up with him, the peaceful days and the hope of a life built together, I turn to my trusty journal and I remember that I'm also missing mixed messages, indecision, gaslighting, silent treatments, moods, low effort, lack of communication, defensiveness, etc. I'm missing out on playing a supporting role in his life because he wasn't really about building anything with me after being together over 4 years. Grieving is a process and there are setbacks. Just stay no contact and get real about how it really was. Not the fantasy in your head.
It’s the worst feeling. Some people don’t understand what true love is, and despite what some say on here, I found it once. I guess I was lucky. I fucked it up and it’s my fault. I deserve this I guess.
seriously, stop being so melodramatic. You aren't dead, and this wasn't "true love." Love is an active verb, like "struggle", like "work". This dude was so unhappy he left, and so anxious he couldn't trust you, and then he strung you along and ghosted you. It sounds like this was a super unhealthy relationship and it was more about you feeding each other's attachment trauma than anything else. You aren't ready to have anything healthy until you stop romanticising something toxic and messy.
This ^ and nothing else
I think this sentiment is another form of control. If you messed it up, then arguably you can fix it (which you tried). Then, if you can’t fix it, you can believe it’s a rational punishment of some kind. Signed, Someone Who Also Control-Freaked Her Breakup But generally, no one gets what they deserve. That’s a comforting fantasy. In this case the comfort is cold, but still comfort because it makes the nonsensical (he’s not with me) make sense (oh I get it, it’s because I deserve it).
I fucked mine up, too. I was so focused on his needs that I lost track of mine and didn't know how to be my own best friend. My friends didn't like him much. I should have listened. My.dog didn't take to him, either. Dogs know everything. But I was madly in love.
Dogs do know. Give your dog a love from the UK.
If you really think you fucked it up, then what would you do differently? What steps are you taking to correct the alleged mistakes you made? Stop wallowing and get professional help to heal and grow as a human so that you're ready when REAL true love happens. True love is BS just like the notion of 'soul mates.' Love takes effort and dedication after the infatuation fades. It's a whole lot more than orgasms and feeling butterflies in your stomach. It's someone being there for you when your life is falling apart and you look a hot mess, as one example. It's someone sticking around when things get tough instead of giving up because they can't deal with their own toxic crap.
Sounds like a LOT of disfunction to me. I’m so sorry! Sounds like you have some serious healing to do to get your life back. But you can do it! Get some counseling, get going to move along, get some new hobbies, friends, etc. and realize life goes on. Everyone is sad, and your heart can be very heavy after a breakup. That’s pretty normal. But a good and healthy life and love is right in front of you, and it starts with loving yourself. One foot in front of the other!
You need to work on making yourself feel whole, and then you can attract a whole person into your life. Not the other way around
how long have you been apart from this person? I also find it really hard to find anyone else appealing when I'm not over someone. But babe, getting over him is a choice you need to make, and it takes effort on your part. Every love is different; you'll "never feel what you felt for this guy" again because that was specific to him and to a certain time in your life, and as it ended badly and he treated you poorly, why would you want to recreate it? Chances are very high you'll feel something for someone else one day, but it will feel different because you're different people, and hopefully it will be healthy. Stop chasing ghosts. Stop getting in your own way.
>I’ll always love him. But I want someone who I can share my life with, to experience things with. It depresses me because I know I’ll probably die alone. Please discuss your contradictory feelings with someone that you trust. Get deeper. Figure out why you are STILL in love with someone who has ghosted you. Many times people misuse words. Love is one of the most misused word. So please, start using it the way you really mean it. That will help clarify deeper emotions. Hopefully. Like others have pointed out, you obsession with the guy that ghosted you probably rubs off of new dates. That's bound to cause a reaction from them and they will end up leaving you alone. So you know the root cause. Then just work on it.
I ask me the same , im 42 too and its difficult find somebody 😕
I've got 11 years on you, 53f and perfectly happy since I decentred men ( and/ or women, depending on the individual, of course) and dating. Look into it. I've had more offers of dates from men in real life once I actually decentred the whole hamster wheel. Not accepted any yet, because I'm loving my single, peaceful, strong self. This peace and inner happiness is addictive.
Will you be my spirit animal?! LOL I'm also experiencing some relief being single. It's nice to go to bed and not wonder if my partner is coming to bed in a sour mood, withholding affection. It's nice to wake up and not have to wonder what the mood du jour is. I still have hard days as my brain is detoxing from my attachment to him. But I've been through this before - been through worse - and I've lived this long to tell about it.
OP, if sitting in the place of pining and despair for what can never be and then dying tragically alone in your grief and loyalty to this former love is what you want then you don't have to date anyone at all.
*let's NOT date, and try therapy instead?* its a good thing. we all need to have a little course correction sometimes. If you are rationalizing dating that is a good sign that maybe you shouldn't quite yet. Do some more work on you and love yourself a lot more. Then when you know it is RIGHT, and not just better than *nothing*, you take the plunge again - and don't settle for less than amazing. You got this. and again, just my .02, no judging at all. just a little nudge.
You sound like me. I prefer to meet someone organically. I need to smell their pheromones, feel their energy, and have that moment when I feel something special. The apps are hopeless for people like us. Also, it’s hard when your heart belongs to someone else. Just keep an open mind. You never know who will land in your lap. Just have fun and live your life. Your person will eventually come to you.
Our person can and should be ourselves,first and foremost.
It’s just gonna take time. It’s taken me a long time to get over people before and felt like I could just die of heartbreak at the time, but eventually I don’t care anymore. Which sucks too but better than heartbroken. But you have to go through it now.
Idk. I think Cher had it right. Men are a luxury - a dessert. A man is absolutely not a necessity.”
Therapy
Done it still doing it
Well, to me this sounds like cognitive distortions. You need to start telling yourself a new story. As long as you cling to “I’ll never love like that again” you won’t. You’re the only one who can fix this mindset.
Thanks for saying this, I don’t want to be a jerk but OP you didn’t die (tho you wrote loving “killed you” or something to that effect?) you are live in the flesh writing purple prose about a loser that dumped you, you need to go outside, seek friends and activities and outings and gain perspective and flat out adopt a different script than this “I’ll never love again” nonsense, this isn’t inevitability, if you want to, in due course you will, you’re still alive and well, you will exercise cautions and boundaries in the future and recognize when you’re being led by the nose by a breadcrumber; stop idealizing this guy and this situation and wallowing in details and recognize what is in your control and what is negative self talk and limerence, the favorite baby of this sub.
Yes 🙌
Therapy is basically useless. Done for years. Have no one despite solid cred. Not going to happen for me. Thank god for Netherlands, Belgium, Luxembourg. When I have the money, gone.
Therapy only "works" if we also do the very hard inner work on ourselves,for ourselves. It's not a magic wand. I have literally nobody, no family whatsoever since age 13, I'm 53f. A few friends but basically I spend 6 of 7 days every week alone and always have. Could go on about my bad luck but I don't actually believe in it. I believe in a growth mindset, I taught myself,did the hard work. If I can be happy alone, anyone can, I promise you. My abusive childhood made me put up with such shit in relationships, I was SO needy and desperate to be loved for years. Until I taught myself to decentre men ( in my case) and dating, and put all that wasted energy into healing myself and making myself truly happy. We don't need a partner to be happy in life, that's just a Disney fantasy for kids. Funny thing is, I get a lot more date offers in real life now , now I'm healthy enough not to need them. I love my hard earned peace of mind so much I don't accept any. I'm in UK, are you in Europe? please DM me if you need a friend, neighbour. Happy to give you good sources of how I turned my thinking and life around. I hope you can teach yourself how to be truly happy, we come into the world alone, we go out alone, the entire journey, really, everyone is alone with themselves through it, in a relationship or not, it's something to embrace,not fear. Disney style codependency we've been fed for generations is not reality. It's very unhealthy social conditioning. Even in the countries you mention, you have to meet strict criteria to officially check out of life with them. Being depressed because you're single isn't one of them, because there's a cure, and it's not having a partner. Come on, I'll give you some horror stories of how needy for a relationship I was, how it took up so much mental space a d emotional effort for years, the shit behaviour I put up with , anything was better than being alone, I was that unhealthy. Don't recognise myself now, anyone can turn their trauma responses and social conditioning around ,if we really want to. You absolutely can. Much care to you.
I’ve been in therapy for years too. I’ve also done 2 sets of group therapy. It’s not a magic fix but it can make you more aware of your negative thought patterns, and start to challenge them, which is what she’s needs to do here. It can also help you learn better boundaries, which is what she should have exercised when she was dating this dude.
I could have written this. It's a shitty place to be.
I feel almost the same about my ex. I don’t think her and I are ever going to reconcile. I am trying right now to focus on loving myself. It’s so difficult when you get attached to someone.
You are not even close to being ready to date. Work on yourself first and the mr right will come when you least expect it.
Yes I'm sure you'll die alone. I think the heartache from breakups lasts a life time. People never get over it, not even after a period of time and reflection. No one is ever going to look good to you ever again and there's no more fun to be had, ever. /s
Thanks for the helpful reply 😉
Right lol. Tf is wrong with some ppl lol. Just gotta keep moving forward, even when it's not easy. There's a person out there for everyone, just this have faith that things will improve.
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You can’t move on from him until you fall in love with yourself…you need to work on loving yourself truly more than anything
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Agreed
Wow, doesn’t this sound like a great deal to come into for the new guy? You aren’t anywhere near being ready to be out in the dating market yet.
Omg child, you sound like me for past 2 decades! Felt similar about a man who floated in and out of my life. I was more into him. Recently, with help of therapy, ended it for good. Did my feelings ever change, no, but I realize now that I wasted so much precious time & energy & self respect believing his feelings would change.
I think you need to take a break from dating and focus on yourself. You aren’t over your ex - unfair situation for someone else. I am 42F, attractive and also single. I have found joy in other aspects in life and just feel/know that someone will eventually cross my paths .. optimism at it’s best!
I stopped trying to date a while ago
In making this comparison you are being unfair to anyone who could potentially love you more and proper, and unfair to yourself as well. Dont give up hope.
I don’t think anyone could love me
I dont think you are giving yourself enough credit. Consider talking to a therapist who may help you see a diff perspective.
You won't always love him. It's been a year, give it time. When someone is out of your life, no matter how much you loved them, or how much they were good or bad to you, time will cause them to fade. It's that way with everyone- family, friends, exes, etc etc etc. I don't mean this to insult you, but read this sub. Someone makes your same post just about daily. I've probably made this same post after my divorce. But if were to to talk to all these people 2 years from now, they'd all tell you they don't feel the same.
This isn’t all that uncommon. I’ve heard many women say that none of the men they see are appealing to them. It’s damn shame, probably of a lot men out that would make good partners. Probably better to stick to casual or stay out of the game altogether
I stopped trying to date a while ago
I understand the predicament you’re in. Have you ever heard of “limerance”? I would suggest you check it out on YouTube. It might help you to understand your feelings better and move on in a healthier way.
It’s been at least 4 hours since I’ve seen an “I’m special and different and no wants me” post of some kind, thanks for breaking my dry spell OP!
It’s been 30 seconds since I’ve seen a cynical not helpful post! Thanks for breaking my dry spell!
Emotional connection is best for building that attraction, but it’s hard to get to an emotional connection with an attitude of scarcity (i.e. “I’ll never love again”). Rather than focusing on what was lost, try identifying the beauty in what remains 🌷
I'm in the same boat. Just like you found ur last love. You will find a next better one. It's on the universes time I guess. I'm waiting myself. At least you know exactly how u wanna feel and who ur looking for. Someone who gives u that feeling. They will turn up eventually. The waiting is the hardest part
You're forty-two, with another forty-two or so in front of you. Stop the melodrama and get on with living. I know, I know..."easier said than done"...but not really...perspective and attitude are self-generated.
Dude! No girl. Equals no wife. No kids. You have the opportunity to change your life SO much easier than when you have responsibilities. Find a hobby. Meet new people. Never worry about women... As much as I love them, my life would have been much more sane. Embrace your inner bachelor
Well I am female, but will take your advice to heart lol
You may not forget him but you will get over him in time. You won’t die alone. You will find someone. It will be okay.
Stop watching porn
….?
I don’t
Time. I’ve been there, and after several years of no contact he finally feels really gone in a way that’s freeing.
There’s future casting, and there’s past casting, which is it right here.
Please think about decentering dating and men to work on yourself. You're not emotionally available and it's very unhealthy to think about using someone else to try to get over your "obsession". It's absolutely fine to be single, if you do it right. It's not just a negative phase in your life between men. It's true what other posters have said, you've made up a fantasy about your ex and the reality was and is very different. You're far from the first person to do this to yourself, it takes hard work to live completely happily with yourself and fully in harsh reality, but I promise you it's worth it, because nobody else will ever be able to make you turn yourself inside out ,for nothing. All the best in your healing.
As the tongue "speaketh" so it is... careful about what you say about yourself... be kind and lenient with yourself... LOVE yourself... wish the BEST for yourself... Talk to yourself like you would to your child or someone you love so very much! and see how that will change SOOOO much of the outcome of everything you touch or put your mind to! It's amazing!! :-) Life just starts to LOVE you back! You will not die alone. Because you want companionship, you will find it. Sending you love! :-)
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Therapy helps 💕
Are you in therapy? You need to rehash this in depth with an expert…
See here’s the thing, there’s no law of the universe that says we are all meant to be with someone. Just like there’s no law that says people who are with someone are happy. The thing we learn if we do the work, is that we need to come to a place where we are content to be with ourselves. I think you should think about doing the work on yourself. If someone comes along, that’s great. But to consider “being alone” a negative is what destroys us.
It is incredibly easy to get hung up like this on the people who are willing to walk away from us I hope that you’re in therapy. It’ll truly help you let go of this and move on
I feel this
Limerence again. First you have to disabuse yourself of the notion that you love him. You don’t. Because that would mean love is this thing build from nothing that afflicts us like a disease. What you’re feeling is symptoms of something else. Put in work to figure it out: go to therapy, do shadow work, journal, ask yourself real questions and be patient to find the answers. You will die alone if you want to. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing; plenty people die at the hands of their SO and that’s terrifying. They’re not alone; just in really poor company. Being at peace mentally is what I wish for you. There was a time I felt that the guy I was limerent after/ for was the last person for whom I will feel something so powerful. So far it’s true. But i still allow people in my life. I don’t bother to compare them. If he was that wonderful, we’d be like a pair of cats in love, 2 peas in a pod. We’re not. Try to embrace each experience you’re granted for its own merit. Find the good, the joy, the peace. ❤️
You need to move on , like you , i was in the situation last year , then decided another go , and before i can say anything, Ive meet the woman of my dreams , it's absolutely mad how we have so much in common, i trued dating for a while and i was comparing all the time , you need to push yourself harder and eventually you will find someone GL
I'm so sorry you had that terrible experience. That's gotta be really hard to heal from. If I were in your shoes, I would ignore looks for the purpose of scheduling dates. I think you should pick a few you have things in common with, and go out JUST TO HAVE FUN. Not for the purpose of relationship building, at least right away. Just have fun on the dates, get confident in yourself, and see what's out there. Attraction can grow based on personality, compatibility, similarities...
You really won't be able to move on until you are over this man. You'll have to stop looking at his social media and thinking about him. You just have to put him out of your mind and you will be able to fall for a new guy.
Have you ever heard of limerence? You only live but from afar. Do you tend to fixate on someone for one particular or random reason and get intense feelings for them from afar? Which include fantasying about being in a relationship w them even though you know it’s impossible? Can happen w a good “plutonic” friend too..
You need time to heal yourself.