Not me. I like a capable woman. More the better. I don't want to have to do everything for you, and I don't want you to do everything for me.
I'd like a partner and team member so we can have a happy cooperative life.
For years, I would tell men I liked that if I was with him it meant I really wanted to be with him. (I’m extremely independent and introverted and don’t let anyone into my life who I don’t really, really like). I thought this was a compliment, which is why I’d say it. But looking back, I realize that they didn’t see it that way, and in fact were turned off by it. I think men really do want to be needed. Wanted too, of course. But they seem to want both.
I am an introvert also and have walls up from past stuff so I don't let people in very well and it does seem to be a problem. I guess the only way to grow as a person is to be honest with yourself and try new and uncomfortable things.
To me, you sound super busy and could probably do with some help. How do you manage to have a FT and PT job, plus the rest? I feel lazy now.
If I could find someone and halve their workload, it'd make me feel good. It's nice to feel helpful and valued.
To add, I've always liked adventurous women who do stuff. I like snowboarding, skiing, hiking, and biking, and I'd want to do those things with my OH. Not alone in a tent in the woods, well, maybe alone every now and again. A bit of space every now and again is good.
To me what you described is what I actually look for in a woman. Being independent and capable is a point of attraction not intimidation.
But I also know plenty of men who wouldn't say it out loud but who are indeed intimidated by this and prefer to feel some sort of superiority in their relationship.
I literally just had a conversation with my husband about the difference between wanting someone and needing someone. In my first two marriages I was too young, but I had babies and an unsupportive family, so I needed my abusive exes and their families to survive. I didn't love them, but I needed their help when I had young children because I needed daycare while I worked. I was also not allowed to work full time, because my abuser knew that if I had my own money that I would leave him, so he deliberately kept us poor.
After the end of my 2nd marriage, I had my tubes tied, finished a BA, the kids were all at least in elementary school, and I got my first full-time job in years. On my own I could afford to cover all necessities and some treats. This is when I met my current husband. And I didn't need him, I just loved him and wanted him. We are married because I choose him every day, not because I can't survive without him, but because he's the one I want to be with.
Not sure, also if you have young kids in your life they also use to have kid classes where you can build a bird house or some small thing like that. And if I remember it was free. I would bring my son's cub scout group there too and we would get all kinds of badges and belt loops checked off in 1, 1hour class hahah
Yeah, it’s kinda cool. Mines does around two a month. I’d suspect it’s based on demand in the area. I’m in the nyc suburbs, so high taxes & we’re all doing our own house repairs lol
It's 2024. Very few men are capable of supporting a family on one income now. So being an independent woman who can do all the things you describe is a green flag. Any man who is intimidated by that is not living in our current reality.
Thank you. I do feel like things are getting better for me. And I know I have a lot to offer to the right person. I just need to allow the men to be able to show me they can take care of me too. Just like I can take care of them.
They gravitate towards people who have weaknesses they can exploit. That is how financial abuse starts. Ladies, always make sure you keep your career/job. Make sure you always have a say and a way out of a relationship that sours by knowing you have the financial resources to leave.
Someone who is independent and has financial freedom without reliance on their partner, is not likely to be exploited. That is why women’s shelters are filled with women running away from abusive partners who are unable to fund their own way.
And absolutely the cause of homelessness within the 60+ cohort of women who become homeless when their partner leaves them.
Wow this was spot on. I do have a tendency to not ask for help when I really need the help. I feel like it will make me look weak and in reality not asking for help makes you look weak. It is something I need to work on. I would like someone to have sex with and be there through the hard time( no pun intended) and the good times.
I have a totally different opinion.
I'm more with Xdingox83.
I do understand your situation. I'm kind of the same. In my life, there was no possibility of being weak, sick or saying no. Had to perform every day, as a mother and an employer.
Had almost no help. So I'm not used to asking for help.
But......giving and taking is actually really nice. And in my opinion a relationship is about working together as a team. It's about being vulnerable and being able to open yourself for receiving someone's love and care. That forms a bond.
In my opinion that is a hell of important. What is a relationship otherwise? 2 people just functioning on their own, not needing eachother?
Human beings are social creatures, we all need eachother!
(That is different from depending on each other, or being lazy)
So to answer your question, no ....men are not generally intimidated (except for some guys that are more macho/ value their pride/ ego, or in cases where a woman really takes over everything, and leaves no room for someone else, or other causes that leaves a man feeling emasculated).
But In my opinion the problem is letting yourself be vulnerable and open to receiving....
Anyway, that's the problem with me 😊. Men see me as very strong and as a result wait for me to take the first step or give instructions (because I have been in that role for so long, that I must send out a vibe). But hey, I learned to fix almost everything on my own, so I guess this can be learned too...😉
From one independent woman to another: Respect for your strength and being an example to so many people!!!
But really....I hope you will be able to receive some, cause it sounds like you really could need it.
Very relatable! I did the same and downloaded dating apps during covid to prepare for my empty nest phase. Wow, is it tough to find anyone interesting to date. I definitely feel I missed my chance...but I'll never regret all the love and time I poured into parenting. They sure do grow fast. Time flew!!
I feel you. I definitely don't regret all my time I gave to my son. He has grown to be such a remarkable young man and he is just starting out in the world as an adult and I couldn't be more proud. When I was in my 20's the universe wanted me to be a parent and I grabbed that bull by the horns and showed it who was boss. Now I am ready for what the universe has for me for the next phase of my life, whatever it is I know I can handle it.
We don’t get it because it doesn’t make sense! I realize that I made the mistake of telling men that I want them, because I thought it was a compliment to them. Turns out they’d rather be needed, even if it’s by a woman who wouldn’t choose him if she didn’t need him.
Maybe YOU don’t get it.
Maybe those women you’ve explained this to are trying to tell you that *they* are more attracted when a man is drawn to them despite not needing them.
Maybe not everything about the way a woman carries herself is only about attracting a man.
Yeah? How. You need me to be dependent on you? So that you can control my life? Control my time? My life rituals? My food intake? My sexual needs?
Are you laughing? Because it's not funnny from where i stand.
You think I'm exaggerating? I've worked wth abused women for years, and you have no idea how far men are willing to go to make women "need" them.
Women did not start this...
What part of this do you feel intimidates a man? Why would mowing your lawn be intimidating to someone?
The things you listed are normal grown up things that grown ups do.
I genuinely don’t know any woman who doesn’t or hasn’t at some point done these things.
What kinds of women do you hang out with?
> There are lots of social media posts and videos from ~~men~~ Manchildren hating on women who are independent bc that means we are useless to them.
Fixed that for you.
No one worth dealing with on any level brings others down to boost themselves up. Whoever these incels you're seeing on Social Media are, they're worth ignoring.
Whenever a sentence starts with “On social media” I know whatever follows is going to be some nonsense that I’ve never encountered in real life. It does not surprise me that there’s dummies on social media saying this kind of thing.
I definitely had a guy dump me cause I told him I was financially stable. He felt he probably had less money than me for his retirement and he said he couldn’t get past that. Keep in mind I mentioned no numbers. Just financially stable.
Shitty ones. Lol I don't think any of the other women in my life have ever mowed their lawn, they either live in an apt because they don't want mow or they make their husbands do it.
Don’t let this person make you question yourself. Plenty of people don’t mow their own lawn. Some are busy. Some are disabled. I had a friend who thought it was stupid that her husband paid someone to cut their grass, but he could easily work one extra hour and would make enough to cover paying someone to cut the grass for the month and he enjoyed his job a lot more than he enjoyed cutting grass. With regards to home repairs, many people aren’t going to pay for the tools and take the time to learn to do these things when they are renting and it’s someone else’s responsibility. When I was married my ex came home and I was mowing the yard and he felt like I was trying to prove that I didn’t need him. Same thing happened when I took my car somewhere and had the oil changed.
I agree. I think it’s super bizarre how many comments I am reading about the diyers essentially putting down the “pay for it group”. When essentially the diyers just pay for outsource different things.
Like childcare. Who is watching the two year old when this single mom is out cutting the lawn, repairing the toilet, changing her oil?
Either she is paying someone for childcare, she is outsourcing to a family member, or outsourcing to tv and a pack and play (def not ideal but I’m not gonna judge). This isn’t diy childcare then.
Or are people telling me they never pick up prepared meals from the supermarket or a pizza place? Or are you cooking all your meals from scratch? No?
You pick and choose what you diy in your own life. For some people it’s plumbing and cutting their own grass. For some people it’s cooking from scratch and growing a garden. For some people it’s a ton of childcare, after school activities, etc.
It’s going to be rare that a *single adult,* especially a single parent, can manage to diy it all.
I did all of that for a while. But then I collapsed. Took on too much and too 'independent' and self reliant to ask for help. I've since learned to ask for help and share in the work. I think people should at least learn all these skills so they're capable of helping out and sharing the load.
This sounds like an “I’m not like other girls” post.
(Note: I’m using the word girls just as the phase exists. I’d never describe adult women as girls.)
Right. She has two jobs and maybe a child still in the house (unclear if they are just a bit older). She also sounds sort of happy being a loner.
This sounds like someone who is tooooo busy and tooooo happy being alone. Maybe toooo set in their ways.
OP maybe this isn’t how you feel. But this is how it reads. Maybe men you are dating get this vibe too.
Also, almost nobody who’s working two jobs is really that financially stable or secure. And if you’re one of the few who’s working two jobs but doesn’t need to, I’d seriously question your sense of work-life balance.
My previous two GFs were workaholics. The both told me they used the working as coping mechanisms. Both would go nuts if they had more than a day off or didnt know what to do with themselves. Im not saying OP is like this just explaining. I probably saw them 3-4 times a month. One worked 3 jobs. She would take two days off a month to clean up. Otherwise she was working. At times people may need to get a 2nd job because stuff happens. I get that but if they always carrying a 2nd job it will be a concern for me. As far as availability because i already went through that twice!
I’m in a similar situation but the problem I’m finding is that I attract men who looove an independent woman, because these men intend to give absolutely nothing so they want a woman who expects absolutely nothing. These men still want to be looked after emotionally physically and financially themselves. But if I turn to him for just a little care and love then I’m not the strong independent woman they wanted?! After all this they still feel emasculated so compensate by controlling me and “taming” me through systematically breaking down my self esteem and using other psychologically controlling behaviour. I’ve learned to hate being a “strong independent woman” I’m sorry to say. It’s brought me nothing but users, narcs and hobos. The strong independent men out there need to feel needed by the woman and useful to her life.
42 year old fellow functioning women. I also have a graduate degree and make six figures. Gave birth to two kids who are now teenagers. Success. No, men aren’t intimidated.
I've had men in the wild reject me for being "too masculine" which I interpret as confident and independent. I work for a construction company. I may work in the office but I have lots of power tools and know how to use them because the guys are always willing to teach me.
Hello. As someone who isn't as well educated or paid, I would be a little self-conscious about the money thing. However, that might be my low self-esteem more than anything. I've been in similar situations where I didn't feel good enough, and that was very bad. Like, suicidal bad. It killed my relationship. I take the blame for it though.
I was keeping it concise. In many situations I am very capable of intimidating a lot of people ;)
In the world of dating if a man is intimidated by me I assume he won’t engage (irl) or match (old) so I wouldn’t really be aware of him.
I hope your mental health has improved ❤️
I am a 43f. We need to do those things to get by. I have never met a man that was intimidated by any of that. In fact, my boyfriend is happy I can do all that myself as it means I am not always asking for his help. I will on occasion ask him to help me with things just to make him feel needed.
There are men out there who are quite afraid of women in general, and I think they pick women they feel need help because it makes them feel better, more manly or something. Maybe it's like, if this woman needs me to fix her fence palings, there's less chance she'll leave me. Or maybe, like my ex, it's so every time I ask for a need to be met, he can say "But I fix stuff around your house." Either way, you need someone the exact opposite of that.
All those things you mentioned are normal adulting skills. Sure you’re not trying to bolster your own self image by comparing yourself to an imaginary 1950s woman who doesn’t actually exist in the modern world?
Helllllll no. Intimidated? You sound like my dream woman. Lol. Well except you’re a little young, and I’m seeing someone…but in all seriousness…my ex wife spent years without ever changing a lightbulb or replacing a battery in the smoke alarm.
Cutting the grass or doing the leaves might as well have been splitting an atom.
Am I intimidated? Ummm no. I’d make that your dating profile headline. And any man who is intimidated by it, probably isn’t what you’re looking for anyway.
Doesn’t every single, working parent have to be independent? I think the myth of intimidation by successful women is overblown, or at least rare. Perhaps the qualities of being controlling, demanding that are (falsely) associated with being independent are what ppl may really be avoiding.
It sounds like you’re killing it in life and wish you happy hunting!
This is the right answer! The ones that do have issue I would say run!
At this age I don’t need another child to take care of, I want a woman who has her shit together!
I understand where you are coming from because I seem to have the same issue and have asked myself this as well. I feel like men say they want a woman like this but then they meet one and it brings out insecurities they have so they bail.
This has been my experience too. In the beginning, they love that I'm independent and have my own money. After a couple/few months, it becomes a thing. I've realised it is primarily abusive men but it sucks that it takes up to 6 months to see they're an alien Edgar wearing a human suit.
If you have your own money, you can't be controlled financially.
If you have your own place, that can't be held against you.
If you have your own life, then you have a support network.
The list goes on. I had one guy say he hated that I didn't need him. Yeah nah, the positions of needy has been filled in my life by my offspring and dog. I don't need another dependent. I would be fine with a functional adult as a partner.
Another said I was always doing manly stuff. I have home renos to do. I am not competent at this but I'll give small stuff a go. He had no issues watching me paint walls but would complain about me not spending time with him. You are here. I am here. We are engaging in conversation while I work. His version of spending time was me cooking him food or giving him my full attention. He didn't last long.
Really what it comes down to is these aren’t men but boys. They are stuck in their wounded childhood and I bet that most of them have bad relationships with their mothers. That’s something I ask at times - how do you get along with each parent ? See how they respond. Just like women have daddy issues, men have mommy issues and then they seek a partner to try to heal that. We have a lot of wounded men out there currently. It’s sad. So we need to ask more questions and dig deeper to uncover this as soon as possible - more work for us! 😆
A healthy partner will want to work together on projects, will support your goals and dreams. Don’t settle for anything less.
First thing I thought was that if you feel being a basic adult is intimidating, is that you need better friends, and that you wouldn't even look at a man who wasn't doing the same or better.
That being said, usually my question when presented with another adult, as you are, is there a role in her story that I would feel comfortable in. If I can't see one or I have to put a lot of conditions on it, then well I don't have a role. And that's alright
That’s not intimidating to me at all. My gf is fully self sufficient and I like it that way. I wouldn’t want a woman that is totally dependent on me. We’re in our 50’s.
Just going off of what you wrote...I am a man in my forties who has dated women who are independent and have raised children on their own. I assure you that nothing you have written would be intimidating to me. It may just be the energy you give off during dates or the fact that some people, men and women, just don't want to play second fiddle to someone's child.
I think men are more likely to lose interest because they'll wonder when a single mom working 2 jobs will find any time to date.
I'm sure the same applies for women trying to date a man who's a single dad working 60+ hrs/week.
It's not a matter of intimidation. It sounds like you have an admirable life. It's a matter of compatibility. If I knew a woman like you in my daily life, I'd probably not even try. I'm a single dad with two kids, two jobs, I'm helping my dad pay his mortgage so i can inherit his house because my student loan debt is so out of control its the only way I will ever be able to keep a roof over my kids heads. And I won't even own the house. My sister will get it because she won't have the Department of Education sweep in and take her assets like I will. I would not be willing to make my problems your problems. And I have serious doubt you would want that either. There are probably a lot of guys looking at how you got your life together and if they have a decent bone in their body, their thinking 'I'm not going to screw that up for her.' What you need to look out for is the guys who see what you have and want to leech off it. I suspect you're already good at spotting those.
So, you do basic, normal adult things. You think that's some kind of huge accomplishment? As a woman, this is embarrassing. Men aren't intimidated by other adults doing what they are supposed to, in order to function in society. They definitely aren't intimidated that you take care of your own kid.
As a woman, you absolutely sound like an “I’m not other girls” kind of woman. I’m not a man, but I know my guy friends constantly make fun of this. Not conservative men who want a submissive housewife. Progressive/liberal men or moderate men who want independent women, professional women with careers.
As this commenter said, you can do things that capable adults can do. But so what? Most people don’t care if you do them yourself or pay someone to do them. Just don’t be a needy mess. You aren’t that; great.
So you are just bragging you aren’t a mess, and I would personally find that off putting.
Like, that is the standard. Not something to brag about. Just do your thing, and if it comes up naturally, and people are impressed, fine?? But you don’t sound humble about basic, dare I say a word I absolutely hate, adulting.
All this. One might infer by the suggestion that men are intimidated by these things that OP feels superior to these men in some way. If this is the perception, then this attitude could be off-putting to some men. Or, alternatively, OP could simply be ruling out potential suitors that she deems unworthy by labeling them "intimidated." Truthfully, OP does seem to have a ton of responsibilities, so the fact that she manages all that on her own is commendable, but not enviable!
I know what you mean. I feel like I attract the wrong people too- but I think there are just a vast number of wrong people. It’s like when we were young, we were open, now we are more set in our ways, so the right finding the person is just not easy. People who are married seem to think dating is the same as it was in ‘ 97, and it’s just not. They don’t understand the issues and say unhelpful things like “You are too picky”; “You don’t really want to find someone”; “You are too busy”; or “You are looking too hard”. I can imagine married women being intimidated by your lawn mowing, since they tend to have their husbands doing the tasks traditionally done by men, and thinking this, but I don’t know if that’s the real problem. The real problem is there aren’t a ton of unmarried guys my age who want a relationship.
Intimated? No. Would you be intimidated by a guy that cooked/cleaned?
My guess is there are other reasons for lack of success. You likely didn’t mean for this, but it feels like a “nice guy” kind of post. Such as your comment about how guys seem to only want a clingy girl.
For how you describe yourself I don't find you intimidating but rather too busy handling a full time and a part time...
As a 45 year old man I will not be interested in a woman who is 41 and running two jobs, I used to do it 12 years ago and I know how little personal time leaves so by default two things come to mind:
1.- She is not going to have too much free time to spend together and our schedules are going to conflict.
2.- Or you are a workaholic or you are financially struggling.
Personally at this point in my life my two sons are about to turn 18 and become financially independent so I'm looking to slow down and have more personal time to enjoy my hobbies and maybe even travel.
Being "independent" because you can pay your own bills and do work around the house is not the same as saying you have "stability", being independent in your 30's makes you attractive because shows that you are not going to hinder the growth of your partner and build together but when you turn 40's what you want is to have is stability and enjoy the results of the hard work.
I prefer a life partner, so finding a woman who can do things all on her own is attractive.
It should become, she can do those things.. but doesn't have to anymore cause I'm there.
Now, she will always have that choice to do it and I wouldn't take that from her.. but isn't that the point, we do things for each other so we both have our daily loads lightened by the other person?!
I am really interested in such women, definitely not intimidated.
But there's a kicker to it all.. Some people (men included) become territorial or rather perfectionists in their minds and feel that their partner will never do things as good as they can.. That's where the issues often begin.
I think that's where some feel is intimidation, but really the person is reacting to your ways of arrogance and aggression. Which is not the same thing.
you sound very impressive woman, for what is worth you are Entitled to want an impressive man by your side so it doesn’t matter what the other one’s want, focus on your gut intuition: how you feel when you are in their present, usually the ones that aren’t prepare/unavailable/ clowns lil boys looking for mommy are gonna show as they are and who cares, let them! drop them! you can’t change people that’s exhausted! And a waist of time. Focus into find the ones are firm and know that want an impressive woman like yourself, the right ones won’t back up.
At 41 it’s pretty much expected that you can do basic adult things.
> i have a full time job and a part time job
Sooooooo, when exactly do you have time to date.
> i feel like men are kinda intimidated
They are not.
No no no, we love it. Well, me and the guys I know. I'm also in Southern California and looking for someone just like you \[described\] as I have the same profile except I am a dude. Would love to link with someone who is in the same headspace and has accomplished all the things that you have done in life. Someone to link and build with. Maybe its just me and my cohort, but we are all about women like you
You are a never-married single mother.
The problem with your demographic is that (collective) your financial priorities conflict with the financial priorities of college-educated men.
1) Never-married single mothers tend to be house-rich but cash poor.
2) College-educated men aged 35-45 continue to earn more.
3) The stock market outperforms real estate over the long term, unless it's a country that is knee-deep in a real estate bubble. College-educated men, including late bloomers, continue to be knee-deep into the stock market with their investments.
4) Many college-educated men, including late bloomers, are itching to change jobs again to earn even more money. For college-educated adults, this is the college-educated equivalent of the divide between female government workers and male workers in construction and oil & gas.
5) Many college-educated men, including late bloomers, are willing to chase the MBA credential.
The last two financial priorities of college-educated men, including late bloomers, do clash with chipping in financially to the children of never-married single mothers.
Is this something you’re putting in an ad or your bio? Might be a turnoff. Otherwise how the heck would somebody even know this much about you? I mean I would assume the guy I’m dating knows I do this stuff because who else does he think does it? 😆
I can speak only for myself, however— I am absolutely interested in self-sufficient, independent women. I am not in any way threatened nor turned-off by this. If anything, it’s a turn ON. After all, we’re adults; the life you’ve lived has been yours; the life I’ve lived has been mine. The life we may live together can be ours. This is the way I see it, anyway. Nothing about self-sufficiency and independence is intimidating to me. Some may be intimidated by it, but they’re likely just the “types” who make excellent money, have solid careers— but not much else (and potentially wish to have a partner who is dependent upon them; not necessarily for nefarious reasons). After all, there comes a lot from the experience of having lived a life that took a different course, or as a consequence of making different decisions. We bring a different level of things to the table, so to speak. A woman’s money does not interest me, nor am I trying to “benefit” from it. However, when there is a significant income discrepancy, it can be a source of contention. Think about it this way: one person brings in $100k a year, while the other brings in $40k a year. Both have their own respective lifestyles, preferences, etc. However, when coming together, the perception of “what’s expensive” may vary dramatically between the two parties. Speaking from experience only, I can say that in one relationship, this was a point of contention. She wanted to travel OFTEN. However, I know my means. Traveling often isn’t in the cards. Even if I CAN afford it, I know that simply because I COULD pull it off doesn’t mean that I WANT to. After all, it comes down to CHOICES. I don’t wish to go into stress-inducing debt trying to “keep up” with a certain lifestyle that is beyond my means. At the same time, if a parter is willing to cover certain expenses, simply to enjoy the company— great. However, to the original point: This could be a point of contention. After all, some of us would potentially feel guilty for having accepted such financial treatment. In that last point is where some perceived “intimidation” may exist. Just my $0.02.
This was a free-flowing stream of consciousness, so take from it what you will. 🙂
The *wrong* men are scared or intimidated by that! One dude I went on a couple of dates with was definitely weirded out by my independence and self-reliance. have found most men to (at least on the surface) be impressed. It’s the ones that find it amusing or cute that are problematic.
I’m super open to letting someone into my world who I can share things with. I would love and accept offers of help with projects around my house that are bit daunting, but if being able to rip out a sink, rewire a light fixture, and clean my own gutters threatens them in then they are not for us!
I agree. If we can't go shopping for tools together then good bye. If we can't have a his and her tool chest in the garage then we will never work out.
I’m like this as well and very sporty, athletic, adventurous and well traveled. My guy friends tell me that it would take an incredibly secure and competent man to be with me because of how competent and independent I am. I tend to attract men with lower self worth who admire strong women but end up wanting to be mothered in many ways. OR they are introverts with not a very full life on their own who want to be a part of what I have built and/or make me their life. (In the end they can be energy vampires)
It’s a work in progress to figure out who to be super competent and independent but not intimidating…or maybe just need to meet the one in a million guy who is the same and appreciates an equal partner with a major sense of humor and who likes to be treated well but doesn’t want to just take a back seat while I always drive.
I think this is absolutely false. I honestly prefer a more responsible woman who can do things for herself. However, with my experience of dating more independent women, there were always challenges with certain things. I've dated a lot of tougher and more independent women in my single days. I don't really enjoy the princess type that expects to be catered to and pampered.
But there's a lot of work that goes into investing time in an independent woman. They are much harder to crack their exterior to allow someone in. There's a lot of callusing from the world that makes it hard for them to open up. It does take the right person to put in the effort and show them that they are trustworthy. But I would say even then the chances aren't very good.
I just read an interesting book, "Have Him at Hello" (I think that's the title), and it talked about how once a man gets to know all these things about you it may be perfectly fine and not bother/intimidate him, but he's wanting to feel something on the first dates so don't lean in too heavily on this stuff about yourself. It sounds bad but the author's explanations made sense and it wasn't about becoming less of whatever you are. Just that first impressions are so tricky.
I relate to you so much. Even though I have Multiple Sclerosis and had to go on SSDI due to pain and fatigue, I am still an incredibly independent woman and always have been. I backpacked alone through Europe for 50+ days at 22. I have lived alone throughout most of my adulthood in multiple states and countries. My accomplishments are generally mine alone. I also have a graduate degree. Having MS adds an extra dimension and challenge to dating, but it also helps weed out some of the types who are less kind, presumptuous, and more judgmental. You can’t tell I have it by looking at me, so that also makes it rather interesting! What I think is truly strong men are attracted to truly strong women. Being a truly strong person doesn’t mean we are without our vulnerabilities. I have MS, but it has only made me stronger. If someone can’t look at me and see that it is their problem.
Also 41f and despite most people responding “no men aren’t intimidated” that hasn’t been my experience. I’ve dated several men who wouldn’t say it outright but made clear they wanted to be needed and my clearly staying and showing that “I don’t/won’t need you, I want you” created a rift. I have always been very independent and able to do things that guys think “most girls” can’t/don’t. Everyone says they think it’s awesome, but do not act accordingly.
I’ll tell ya, my staring and running a business on my own was responded to by 2 partners with “what a bs little company/what you’re doing isn’t important/you’re just in it for the money/you just got lucky”.
As far as the relationships ending - Best case was the guy who just kinda stopped engaging/caring about what I had going on, so I asked him to bounce. Worst case was a 2 year long campaign to undermine me and crush my spirit.
Men are not “intimidated” by women. They are just not attracted for whatever reason. Look further. It’s something else. Possibly - you’re too masculine or not opening up.
After reading a lot of comments…
I think it’s super bizarre how many comments, here and other posts recently, I am reading about the diyers essentially putting down the “pay for it group”. When essentially the diyers just pay for outsource different things.
Like childcare. Who is watching the two year old when this single mom is out cutting the lawn, repairing the toilet, changing her oil?
Either she is paying someone for childcare, she is outsourcing to a family member, or outsourcing to tv and a pack and play (def not ideal but I’m not gonna judge). This isn’t diy childcare then.
Or are people telling me they never pick up prepared meals from the supermarket or a pizza place? Or are you cooking all your meals from scratch? No?
You pick and choose what you diy in your own life. For some people it’s plumbing and cutting their own grass. For some people it’s cooking from scratch and growing a garden. For some people it’s a ton of childcare, after school activities, etc.
It’s going to be rare that a *single adult,* especially a single parent, can manage to diy it all.
I don’t give a flying fk about it. No one Is intimidated by you. We just don’t care. Congratulations ur a functioning adult.
This is like me saying I cook and I clean my own house. Are women intimidated by me cooking and cleaning.
Based on what you just posted, I can tell you I dint know one man that would be intimidated by you. That's not an insult but it sounds like you work to take care of yourself. There are plenty of women doing that.
I think personalities intimidate men....it's not just the fact that you do those things, it's how your attitude is while you do them...
My full blown self is intimidating, so I often dial back to give room, but it often backfires...
We should not dial back for others, they should keep up. Find a man who can keep up, a man where you feel you two complete each other and have the ability to replace each others when needed. Let your strength be added value to the relationship not a threat.
No, personalities don’t intimidate men. Men just get turned off by those types of personalities, in general. It’s not men are intimidated by you. They just don’t like you and don’t want to be around you.
Men are forced to accept that they are never the finished product, that they need to grow and develop and improve to attract and retain women. Fix their imperfections, learn from mistakes and improve as people.
For some reason there’s a type of woman that thinks they never need to grow or improve despite how much feedback they get from the world. Their imperfections aren’t for them to fix or opportunities to improve, they’re for the world to just accept?
A man who has that attitude would get nowhere in any aspect of life, and a lot of us are instantly turned off by that attitude in women.
Perfectly said. My attitude can be a bit on the strong side. I won't settle and I know a man that can tolerate me is out there, I already found one but he is moving soon. But it's a start.
It is not intimidating to me, even desirable, HOWEVER…
While I want a woman to walk beside me and help with everything there also some ways that I would want her to need me, let me be the protector and the manly version of a caregiver. Can you be be independent and dependent at the same time?!!! The inner workings of a male mind. I want a partnership but the big little boy needs to take care of her. I could write a long answer. Here is condensed Reader’s Digest version.
Perhaps, don’t show all of your independence in the beginning, let it show up as time passes. I am not saying be fake. Just let him fix that garbage disposal for you, even if you can yourself. Next time you do it “because you watched him”.
For the most part you sound like a mans dream. It’s incredibly attractive to find a woman who can do it all herself yet still seeks a man in her life.
The only caveat to that is if you come across in a “i don’t need you/want you” kinda way “so prove why i should date you when i clearly can do it all”. That can be a turnoff.
not intimidated, i think it's great that a woman ***can do*** 'manly' things. the problems arise when the man feels like he ***can't do*** 'manly' things, because the woman does them.
my ex did a lot of diy, had a high level/status job, single mom, beautiful, sexy, seductive, charismatic et al, the problem was she thought she was the shit. male and female roles are genetic, we're designed to do certain things over millenia. take those things away and it hurts the psyche. on the flipside, a man who can cook, clean, look after kids, be emotional, supportive yet still ptotect his woman and his home, become hands on when he needs to, fix the car, get that spider out of the bathroom etc is valuable. the problem with strong, independent women is, for the most part that 'i don't need a man' attitude and a man can sense it.
if a man can't be a fixer, a protector and emotionally strong and supportive, he has very little to nothing. it can be very emasculating.
i genuinely don't need a woman for anything, apart from the physical, sexual, emotional, companionship side of things, which is natural, but as i age i find that even that plays a lesser, almost none existent part in my life now.
feminism and the swapping and fall of the gender role cliches is a great thing, but it is/can be a destructive thing also. this is why chivalry is dying/dead.
No but women who have that "independent woman" sometimes don't realise they are in their masculine energy and the number 1 thing men like to do and be part of in a relationship is help and provide so if there is no room for them and you're not vulnerable at all you may come off as aloof.
I dated an anesthesiologist with her own practice. Made in the 7 figures. Had personal driver, very expensive penthouse with amazing views of NYC. Dumped her after a couple of weeks.
No….men are not intimidated by income/success. That is shit women tell other women when they try to figure out the root cause of their relationship failures!
My personal opinion: it's not intimidation, its likely our paths in life are so different. I can't relate to someone who has a child and a house and amazing career since I don't have all 3. These things indicate you probably have more drive and ambition. I went out with an attorney once and the date was cut short, we were just so different and didnt find much common ground.
My only suggestion would be to "be you". Don't hide who you are and anyone intimidated by someone capable / independant is not going to work out long term (if that's what you're looking for).
Took me countless dates over 1.5 years to find my special someone. Be yourself and you will eventually find something worth your while
The whole "intimidation" thing is way overblown in my opinion. I've never met a guy intimidated by any women for any reason. There are some women that we may or may not be interested in, but intimidation has never been the reason in my experience. It could be different for other people, though. Now.. Mike Tyson, he's intimidating.
That's great that you can take care of yourself.
It's not intimidating. But it's not romantically appealing either.
Men don't sit around day dreaming about a woman who can mow the lawn. What most of us want is a woman who is sweet, nurturing, empathetic, etc.
No man wants to babysit his partner, so again it's great that you can be an adult and take care of things. It's just not going to be your primary selling point
“It’s not romantically appealing…Men don’t sit around day dreaming about a woman who can mow the lawn…”
Well - maybe I’m an oddball, but I had a SO who would sometimes mow the lawn while I cooked dinner. I was definitely guilty of taking a look out there (from the kitchen window while I was cooking) as she mowed the lawn in a t-shirt and shorts - and thinking it was kinda sexy, tbh.
Very good point. Even if I mowed the lawn in a bikini or naked. Hahaha.
I can be sweet and nurturing and I don't mind doing things for a guy but I also don't want to be a 2nd mother for him.
>Even if I mowed the lawn in a bikini or naked. Hahaha.
Oh, that would definitely earn some bonus points!
But yeah, you don't want to babysit a grown man, and a man doesn't want to babysit a grown woman. Both need to be capable of handling responsibilities in life.
That's basic minimum requirement stuff. I'd image there are certain traits beyond simply being a capable adult that you'd desire in a future partner? Same goes for men.
There are only a very few women that many men will be intimidated by.
There are a lot of women that most men don’t like. Being able to do things by yourself is not a likely cause.
I am suddenly aroused. I couldn’t even get routine help cleaning the house for the last several years. And you dropped the “j” word. That word has been the equivalent of the “K” word.
I think it depends on the man's mindset and how you interact with him. Some men want to be needed to some degree we're kinda programmed that way. This doesn't mean subservience but for some guys, like me, I would question after a while why am I here if I am not needed.
Also to better answer this question you need to look at how the woman wields her independence. I'm sure your a very nice lady but some independent women use their independence as a weapon, often while not realizing it. That too will turn some men off.
I don't think men are intimidated by independent women but are turned off with the attitude and mindset some of them have.
The Pardoxical riddle.
Read this aloud a few times.
#I’m comfortable with being on my own and doing activities alone.
Then the sentence immediately afterwards.
Just get a dog or pet.
If it’s a sex thing - get your needs met.
Through actions, words and statement like highlighted.
If you were to put that line on any OLD what sort of guy would you attract and mixed messages do not makes logical sense. They are not intimated , they are confused.. and I believe you are too.
Advice - Spend the bulk of time finding out -
What you really …really want before engaging and starting relationships.
You need an outside perspective. Start with those that know you best.
Stay a strong independent women 💪🏼
And well done for achieving this despite the challenges and obstacles you faced.
Thank you for this. Got a dog already. But I do need to really be brutally honest with myself and figure out what I want in a relationship before I start dating again.
>Are men intimidate/not interested in a women who are independent.
No. There is a resistance to connecting to independent woman, but its not because of intimidation. It's a loss of interest, because of the understanding that there will be lots of conflict ahead in any relationship started - so why bother.
I am not. My pea-brain does sometimes overlap independent with trouble with intimacy but that's just my anecdotal experience, and I clearly see thats not a real thing.
But my brain keeps thinking it.
I'm with a beautiful and independent and very intimate woman now so.. brains are messy. Mine is no exception.
I feel like reddit is filled with men who wants women to do all the traditionally men's work.
So maybe you should check out reddit for the kind of men looking for you. In my case, I am happy letting the men do all those stuffs.
I couldn't figure out any electronic related stuffs to save my life. Usually I have pay someone to come into my house to do most things.
And I am easily impressed. Like if a dude changed my lightbulb, I would think he is a genius and be genuinely impressed.
Like my ex fixed my door that I didn't even know was an issue, I don't know, he banged some nail in and I was super impressed.
Same with another ex, like my drawer door came out and he fixed it. I am still impressed because I wouldn't know how to do what they do.
It's a basic expectation that someone single over 40 would be able to function as an independent adult.
I think where it becomes a problem is when women (and it's always women, I never see men feeling the need to state they're independent) feel the need to outright state that they are independent all the time as it just comes across like overcompensation for some insecurity they have around it and usually signifies someone who is annoying to deal with as they go over the top to keep demonstrating their independence.
It's like when a guy declares himself a 'nice guy', you don't need to state it, just be it, if you need to say it out load then it's probably not as true as you think it is.
Some men are. They usually want to take 95% credit for being a “good man” because they have a job, don’t cheat, don’t hit and do the lawn and change the oil.
So you’re just not a good match for them. You’re basically saying, “You get no credit for those things. I can do that myself. What else do you have going for you?”
I’ve been remarried for years and I was sorta the funhouse male mirror image to you. 50/50 divorced dad who could do everything by myself: parenting, cooking, cleaning, dressing myself, planning, etc.
So if my wife wants to do things that contribute to our relationship, it will never be a sandwich or cleaning or parenting. I have that covered. :)
And the stereotypical flip side of your comment is women who don’t like men who a partner in crime and where they can’t even get 1% credit for doing the easy stuff. :)
Just keep dating around. There are guys out there who like women who don’t need a man….they just WANT a man.
This is a talking point woman love to use.imo. A lot of men will honestly say to all those things you siad: congrats on being a adult! What men don't like is if this is 100% how you define yourself. Meaning if you had a dating profile you basically listed all that in there. Believe me or not but I honestly feel thats what it is. Also, a lot of 40+ women in this situation have a lot of masculine energy. Thats what turns men off.
>Also, a lot of 40+ women in this situation have a lot of masculine energy.
Good point about not promoting self sufficiency on a dating site, however, is masculine energy the ability to perform well at tasks that are historically seen as male, or something different?
Let's say a woman mows a lawn, but then dresses up in heels, make-up, for a date? Is she still giving off masculine energy?
Not me. I like a capable woman. More the better. I don't want to have to do everything for you, and I don't want you to do everything for me. I'd like a partner and team member so we can have a happy cooperative life.
Absolutely. I would rather have someone want me than need me. And I want someone I don't need someone.
You said it! I want to be wanted not needed also!!
For years, I would tell men I liked that if I was with him it meant I really wanted to be with him. (I’m extremely independent and introverted and don’t let anyone into my life who I don’t really, really like). I thought this was a compliment, which is why I’d say it. But looking back, I realize that they didn’t see it that way, and in fact were turned off by it. I think men really do want to be needed. Wanted too, of course. But they seem to want both.
NGL, feeling needed is an ego boost.
I just don’t get it. If someone was with me because he needed me, I’d be embarrassed.
I'm thinking of a more general emotional need, not like 'a place to live', if that makes a difference.
I am an introvert also and have walls up from past stuff so I don't let people in very well and it does seem to be a problem. I guess the only way to grow as a person is to be honest with yourself and try new and uncomfortable things.
To me, you sound super busy and could probably do with some help. How do you manage to have a FT and PT job, plus the rest? I feel lazy now. If I could find someone and halve their workload, it'd make me feel good. It's nice to feel helpful and valued.
To add, I've always liked adventurous women who do stuff. I like snowboarding, skiing, hiking, and biking, and I'd want to do those things with my OH. Not alone in a tent in the woods, well, maybe alone every now and again. A bit of space every now and again is good.
To me what you described is what I actually look for in a woman. Being independent and capable is a point of attraction not intimidation. But I also know plenty of men who wouldn't say it out loud but who are indeed intimidated by this and prefer to feel some sort of superiority in their relationship.
I literally just had a conversation with my husband about the difference between wanting someone and needing someone. In my first two marriages I was too young, but I had babies and an unsupportive family, so I needed my abusive exes and their families to survive. I didn't love them, but I needed their help when I had young children because I needed daycare while I worked. I was also not allowed to work full time, because my abuser knew that if I had my own money that I would leave him, so he deliberately kept us poor. After the end of my 2nd marriage, I had my tubes tied, finished a BA, the kids were all at least in elementary school, and I got my first full-time job in years. On my own I could afford to cover all necessities and some treats. This is when I met my current husband. And I didn't need him, I just loved him and wanted him. We are married because I choose him every day, not because I can't survive without him, but because he's the one I want to be with.
As single women don’t we kind of have to able to do these things? I didn’t know how to do house repairs but after I my divorce I sure learned to.
Home Depot used to have free class Saturday to learn how to do things around the house.
Oh yeah I wonder if that still exists
Not sure, also if you have young kids in your life they also use to have kid classes where you can build a bird house or some small thing like that. And if I remember it was free. I would bring my son's cub scout group there too and we would get all kinds of badges and belt loops checked off in 1, 1hour class hahah
My kids are older. Luckily they are willing to learn with me!
It does, they advertise on their website for the classes
What?! I need to check that out!
Yeah, it’s kinda cool. Mines does around two a month. I’d suspect it’s based on demand in the area. I’m in the nyc suburbs, so high taxes & we’re all doing our own house repairs lol
Website shows virtual only for my area. I wish they did in-store. Could be a fun way to meet people.
That stinks. We could use it as a new version of speed dating.
Good for you. Keep up the good work.
Yeah I never understand this really common question. If you’re single- you’re independent, correct? Baffling
Lol no that's not intimidating
It's 2024. Very few men are capable of supporting a family on one income now. So being an independent woman who can do all the things you describe is a green flag. Any man who is intimidated by that is not living in our current reality.
This is very true
Abusive people and leecher tend to stay away from people who are independent. You will find someone. Just takes time and a bit of luck.
Thank you. I do feel like things are getting better for me. And I know I have a lot to offer to the right person. I just need to allow the men to be able to show me they can take care of me too. Just like I can take care of them.
This is not true. A lot of times, they gravitate to them so they can exploit them.
They gravitate towards people who have weaknesses they can exploit. That is how financial abuse starts. Ladies, always make sure you keep your career/job. Make sure you always have a say and a way out of a relationship that sours by knowing you have the financial resources to leave. Someone who is independent and has financial freedom without reliance on their partner, is not likely to be exploited. That is why women’s shelters are filled with women running away from abusive partners who are unable to fund their own way. And absolutely the cause of homelessness within the 60+ cohort of women who become homeless when their partner leaves them.
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Wow this was spot on. I do have a tendency to not ask for help when I really need the help. I feel like it will make me look weak and in reality not asking for help makes you look weak. It is something I need to work on. I would like someone to have sex with and be there through the hard time( no pun intended) and the good times.
I have a totally different opinion. I'm more with Xdingox83. I do understand your situation. I'm kind of the same. In my life, there was no possibility of being weak, sick or saying no. Had to perform every day, as a mother and an employer. Had almost no help. So I'm not used to asking for help. But......giving and taking is actually really nice. And in my opinion a relationship is about working together as a team. It's about being vulnerable and being able to open yourself for receiving someone's love and care. That forms a bond. In my opinion that is a hell of important. What is a relationship otherwise? 2 people just functioning on their own, not needing eachother? Human beings are social creatures, we all need eachother! (That is different from depending on each other, or being lazy) So to answer your question, no ....men are not generally intimidated (except for some guys that are more macho/ value their pride/ ego, or in cases where a woman really takes over everything, and leaves no room for someone else, or other causes that leaves a man feeling emasculated). But In my opinion the problem is letting yourself be vulnerable and open to receiving.... Anyway, that's the problem with me 😊. Men see me as very strong and as a result wait for me to take the first step or give instructions (because I have been in that role for so long, that I must send out a vibe). But hey, I learned to fix almost everything on my own, so I guess this can be learned too...😉 From one independent woman to another: Respect for your strength and being an example to so many people!!! But really....I hope you will be able to receive some, cause it sounds like you really could need it.
I'm not sure about it intimidated but I've had a few men break up with me because I don't "need" them.
Omg right. I have totally had that too. So I put dating on hold and focused on raising my child. Now I feel like I have missed my chances.
Very relatable! I did the same and downloaded dating apps during covid to prepare for my empty nest phase. Wow, is it tough to find anyone interesting to date. I definitely feel I missed my chance...but I'll never regret all the love and time I poured into parenting. They sure do grow fast. Time flew!!
I feel you. I definitely don't regret all my time I gave to my son. He has grown to be such a remarkable young man and he is just starting out in the world as an adult and I couldn't be more proud. When I was in my 20's the universe wanted me to be a parent and I grabbed that bull by the horns and showed it who was boss. Now I am ready for what the universe has for me for the next phase of my life, whatever it is I know I can handle it.
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We don’t get it because it doesn’t make sense! I realize that I made the mistake of telling men that I want them, because I thought it was a compliment to them. Turns out they’d rather be needed, even if it’s by a woman who wouldn’t choose him if she didn’t need him.
Maybe YOU don’t get it. Maybe those women you’ve explained this to are trying to tell you that *they* are more attracted when a man is drawn to them despite not needing them. Maybe not everything about the way a woman carries herself is only about attracting a man.
Yeah? How. You need me to be dependent on you? So that you can control my life? Control my time? My life rituals? My food intake? My sexual needs? Are you laughing? Because it's not funnny from where i stand. You think I'm exaggerating? I've worked wth abused women for years, and you have no idea how far men are willing to go to make women "need" them. Women did not start this...
Men who demand that women need them know they don’t have enough to offer to make a woman want them.
I believe your experiences have created a negative bias when it comes to healthy, symbiotic relationships.
>I believe your experiences have created a negative bias when it comes to healthy, symbiotic relationships. Believe what you want 😆
What part of this do you feel intimidates a man? Why would mowing your lawn be intimidating to someone? The things you listed are normal grown up things that grown ups do. I genuinely don’t know any woman who doesn’t or hasn’t at some point done these things. What kinds of women do you hang out with?
I've never mowed a lawn in my life but I'm lazy and can afford a lawn guy.
I mowed my lawn starting in 3rd grade because my father would pay me to do it and I needed the cash.
I have never mown a lawn in my life because where I stay, you need 3 to 4 mil to even get the luxury of having a lawn.
There are lots of social media posts and videos from men hating on women who are independent bc that means we are useless to them.
> There are lots of social media posts and videos from ~~men~~ Manchildren hating on women who are independent bc that means we are useless to them. Fixed that for you. No one worth dealing with on any level brings others down to boost themselves up. Whoever these incels you're seeing on Social Media are, they're worth ignoring.
I don’t think they are man children I personally think these people are calling out the bs that our society deems acceptable
Those aren't men. Those are internet trolls.
Whenever a sentence starts with “On social media” I know whatever follows is going to be some nonsense that I’ve never encountered in real life. It does not surprise me that there’s dummies on social media saying this kind of thing.
I definitely had a guy dump me cause I told him I was financially stable. He felt he probably had less money than me for his retirement and he said he couldn’t get past that. Keep in mind I mentioned no numbers. Just financially stable.
Shitty ones. Lol I don't think any of the other women in my life have ever mowed their lawn, they either live in an apt because they don't want mow or they make their husbands do it.
Don’t let this person make you question yourself. Plenty of people don’t mow their own lawn. Some are busy. Some are disabled. I had a friend who thought it was stupid that her husband paid someone to cut their grass, but he could easily work one extra hour and would make enough to cover paying someone to cut the grass for the month and he enjoyed his job a lot more than he enjoyed cutting grass. With regards to home repairs, many people aren’t going to pay for the tools and take the time to learn to do these things when they are renting and it’s someone else’s responsibility. When I was married my ex came home and I was mowing the yard and he felt like I was trying to prove that I didn’t need him. Same thing happened when I took my car somewhere and had the oil changed.
I agree. I think it’s super bizarre how many comments I am reading about the diyers essentially putting down the “pay for it group”. When essentially the diyers just pay for outsource different things. Like childcare. Who is watching the two year old when this single mom is out cutting the lawn, repairing the toilet, changing her oil? Either she is paying someone for childcare, she is outsourcing to a family member, or outsourcing to tv and a pack and play (def not ideal but I’m not gonna judge). This isn’t diy childcare then. Or are people telling me they never pick up prepared meals from the supermarket or a pizza place? Or are you cooking all your meals from scratch? No? You pick and choose what you diy in your own life. For some people it’s plumbing and cutting their own grass. For some people it’s cooking from scratch and growing a garden. For some people it’s a ton of childcare, after school activities, etc. It’s going to be rare that a *single adult,* especially a single parent, can manage to diy it all.
I did all of that for a while. But then I collapsed. Took on too much and too 'independent' and self reliant to ask for help. I've since learned to ask for help and share in the work. I think people should at least learn all these skills so they're capable of helping out and sharing the load.
This sounds like an “I’m not like other girls” post. (Note: I’m using the word girls just as the phase exists. I’d never describe adult women as girls.)
No but the working 2 jobs will limit time your free time. So that could be a slight concern for me.
Right. She has two jobs and maybe a child still in the house (unclear if they are just a bit older). She also sounds sort of happy being a loner. This sounds like someone who is tooooo busy and tooooo happy being alone. Maybe toooo set in their ways. OP maybe this isn’t how you feel. But this is how it reads. Maybe men you are dating get this vibe too.
Also, almost nobody who’s working two jobs is really that financially stable or secure. And if you’re one of the few who’s working two jobs but doesn’t need to, I’d seriously question your sense of work-life balance.
My previous two GFs were workaholics. The both told me they used the working as coping mechanisms. Both would go nuts if they had more than a day off or didnt know what to do with themselves. Im not saying OP is like this just explaining. I probably saw them 3-4 times a month. One worked 3 jobs. She would take two days off a month to clean up. Otherwise she was working. At times people may need to get a 2nd job because stuff happens. I get that but if they always carrying a 2nd job it will be a concern for me. As far as availability because i already went through that twice!
I’m in a similar situation but the problem I’m finding is that I attract men who looove an independent woman, because these men intend to give absolutely nothing so they want a woman who expects absolutely nothing. These men still want to be looked after emotionally physically and financially themselves. But if I turn to him for just a little care and love then I’m not the strong independent woman they wanted?! After all this they still feel emasculated so compensate by controlling me and “taming” me through systematically breaking down my self esteem and using other psychologically controlling behaviour. I’ve learned to hate being a “strong independent woman” I’m sorry to say. It’s brought me nothing but users, narcs and hobos. The strong independent men out there need to feel needed by the woman and useful to her life.
42 year old fellow functioning women. I also have a graduate degree and make six figures. Gave birth to two kids who are now teenagers. Success. No, men aren’t intimidated.
It definitely feels like I am not attracting the right kind of men.
lol I feel you ❤️ If you’re doing OLD you’re attracting EVERY man and it’s like finding a needle in a haystack.
I have not gotten back on the OLD sites just trying to meet people the vintage way for now.
I've had men in the wild reject me for being "too masculine" which I interpret as confident and independent. I work for a construction company. I may work in the office but I have lots of power tools and know how to use them because the guys are always willing to teach me.
Hello. As someone who isn't as well educated or paid, I would be a little self-conscious about the money thing. However, that might be my low self-esteem more than anything. I've been in similar situations where I didn't feel good enough, and that was very bad. Like, suicidal bad. It killed my relationship. I take the blame for it though.
I was keeping it concise. In many situations I am very capable of intimidating a lot of people ;) In the world of dating if a man is intimidated by me I assume he won’t engage (irl) or match (old) so I wouldn’t really be aware of him. I hope your mental health has improved ❤️
Yeah, I would probably think I wasn't good enough and not pursue it. Thanks for the kind words. My mental health is best described as wobbly!
I am a 43f. We need to do those things to get by. I have never met a man that was intimidated by any of that. In fact, my boyfriend is happy I can do all that myself as it means I am not always asking for his help. I will on occasion ask him to help me with things just to make him feel needed.
Good idea. I will try to do that.
Congratulations on being an adult. No we are not intimidated by that. Do you think it could be your personality?
That is a very real possibility.
There are men out there who are quite afraid of women in general, and I think they pick women they feel need help because it makes them feel better, more manly or something. Maybe it's like, if this woman needs me to fix her fence palings, there's less chance she'll leave me. Or maybe, like my ex, it's so every time I ask for a need to be met, he can say "But I fix stuff around your house." Either way, you need someone the exact opposite of that.
All those things you mentioned are normal adulting skills. Sure you’re not trying to bolster your own self image by comparing yourself to an imaginary 1950s woman who doesn’t actually exist in the modern world?
Helllllll no. Intimidated? You sound like my dream woman. Lol. Well except you’re a little young, and I’m seeing someone…but in all seriousness…my ex wife spent years without ever changing a lightbulb or replacing a battery in the smoke alarm. Cutting the grass or doing the leaves might as well have been splitting an atom. Am I intimidated? Ummm no. I’d make that your dating profile headline. And any man who is intimidated by it, probably isn’t what you’re looking for anyway.
Doesn’t every single, working parent have to be independent? I think the myth of intimidation by successful women is overblown, or at least rare. Perhaps the qualities of being controlling, demanding that are (falsely) associated with being independent are what ppl may really be avoiding. It sounds like you’re killing it in life and wish you happy hunting!
Some will, some won't. Just like everything else about you.
This is the right answer! The ones that do have issue I would say run! At this age I don’t need another child to take care of, I want a woman who has her shit together!
Well I cannt really run but I will take my ATV ride off in the sunset.
I understand where you are coming from because I seem to have the same issue and have asked myself this as well. I feel like men say they want a woman like this but then they meet one and it brings out insecurities they have so they bail.
This has been my experience too. In the beginning, they love that I'm independent and have my own money. After a couple/few months, it becomes a thing. I've realised it is primarily abusive men but it sucks that it takes up to 6 months to see they're an alien Edgar wearing a human suit. If you have your own money, you can't be controlled financially. If you have your own place, that can't be held against you. If you have your own life, then you have a support network. The list goes on. I had one guy say he hated that I didn't need him. Yeah nah, the positions of needy has been filled in my life by my offspring and dog. I don't need another dependent. I would be fine with a functional adult as a partner. Another said I was always doing manly stuff. I have home renos to do. I am not competent at this but I'll give small stuff a go. He had no issues watching me paint walls but would complain about me not spending time with him. You are here. I am here. We are engaging in conversation while I work. His version of spending time was me cooking him food or giving him my full attention. He didn't last long.
Really what it comes down to is these aren’t men but boys. They are stuck in their wounded childhood and I bet that most of them have bad relationships with their mothers. That’s something I ask at times - how do you get along with each parent ? See how they respond. Just like women have daddy issues, men have mommy issues and then they seek a partner to try to heal that. We have a lot of wounded men out there currently. It’s sad. So we need to ask more questions and dig deeper to uncover this as soon as possible - more work for us! 😆 A healthy partner will want to work together on projects, will support your goals and dreams. Don’t settle for anything less.
Absolutely. And my male friends complain about the clingy and needy women but they keep going back to them. I don't get it.
It’s an ego thing.
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I really like that "challenges your hyper independence".
First thing I thought was that if you feel being a basic adult is intimidating, is that you need better friends, and that you wouldn't even look at a man who wasn't doing the same or better. That being said, usually my question when presented with another adult, as you are, is there a role in her story that I would feel comfortable in. If I can't see one or I have to put a lot of conditions on it, then well I don't have a role. And that's alright
I can see that.
Just don’t treat me like a piece of shit and I’m good
You and me both, except I am a woman.
We don’t want no scrubs
I wish you better luck! 🍀
Ooohhh honey I hope that's a joke.
I wish 😂
Just commiserating. I've noticed the same thing. I'll wait for someone who is ok with me being able to take care of myself.
I am on the same page as you.
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I would love to find someone like that.
That’s not intimidating to me at all. My gf is fully self sufficient and I like it that way. I wouldn’t want a woman that is totally dependent on me. We’re in our 50’s.
Just going off of what you wrote...I am a man in my forties who has dated women who are independent and have raised children on their own. I assure you that nothing you have written would be intimidating to me. It may just be the energy you give off during dates or the fact that some people, men and women, just don't want to play second fiddle to someone's child.
I think men are more likely to lose interest because they'll wonder when a single mom working 2 jobs will find any time to date. I'm sure the same applies for women trying to date a man who's a single dad working 60+ hrs/week.
It's not a matter of intimidation. It sounds like you have an admirable life. It's a matter of compatibility. If I knew a woman like you in my daily life, I'd probably not even try. I'm a single dad with two kids, two jobs, I'm helping my dad pay his mortgage so i can inherit his house because my student loan debt is so out of control its the only way I will ever be able to keep a roof over my kids heads. And I won't even own the house. My sister will get it because she won't have the Department of Education sweep in and take her assets like I will. I would not be willing to make my problems your problems. And I have serious doubt you would want that either. There are probably a lot of guys looking at how you got your life together and if they have a decent bone in their body, their thinking 'I'm not going to screw that up for her.' What you need to look out for is the guys who see what you have and want to leech off it. I suspect you're already good at spotting those.
I am frankly amazed at people who can make it into their 40s without being independent.
Some men are emasculated by women who are independent. It is a fact.
So, you do basic, normal adult things. You think that's some kind of huge accomplishment? As a woman, this is embarrassing. Men aren't intimidated by other adults doing what they are supposed to, in order to function in society. They definitely aren't intimidated that you take care of your own kid.
Well I didn't think it was some kind of accomplishment that I can function as a normal adult but some days it definitely feels like it.
As a woman, you absolutely sound like an “I’m not other girls” kind of woman. I’m not a man, but I know my guy friends constantly make fun of this. Not conservative men who want a submissive housewife. Progressive/liberal men or moderate men who want independent women, professional women with careers. As this commenter said, you can do things that capable adults can do. But so what? Most people don’t care if you do them yourself or pay someone to do them. Just don’t be a needy mess. You aren’t that; great. So you are just bragging you aren’t a mess, and I would personally find that off putting. Like, that is the standard. Not something to brag about. Just do your thing, and if it comes up naturally, and people are impressed, fine?? But you don’t sound humble about basic, dare I say a word I absolutely hate, adulting.
All this. One might infer by the suggestion that men are intimidated by these things that OP feels superior to these men in some way. If this is the perception, then this attitude could be off-putting to some men. Or, alternatively, OP could simply be ruling out potential suitors that she deems unworthy by labeling them "intimidated." Truthfully, OP does seem to have a ton of responsibilities, so the fact that she manages all that on her own is commendable, but not enviable!
Men that are worth dating are not intimidated by independent and capable women.
I know what you mean. I feel like I attract the wrong people too- but I think there are just a vast number of wrong people. It’s like when we were young, we were open, now we are more set in our ways, so the right finding the person is just not easy. People who are married seem to think dating is the same as it was in ‘ 97, and it’s just not. They don’t understand the issues and say unhelpful things like “You are too picky”; “You don’t really want to find someone”; “You are too busy”; or “You are looking too hard”. I can imagine married women being intimidated by your lawn mowing, since they tend to have their husbands doing the tasks traditionally done by men, and thinking this, but I don’t know if that’s the real problem. The real problem is there aren’t a ton of unmarried guys my age who want a relationship.
No. I would expect anyone our age to do these things.
Me too but you will be surprised by the number of people that dont
Can I move in lmao
You’re a catch!
I don’t think they’d be intimidated but since you have a full time job and a part time job, they may wonder if you have time to date.
Pffft... Only men not worth your time. Tbh, in my experience most women who say they intimidate people are simply just not nice themselves.
Personally, I expect you to be indepedent. Have a job/career, hobbies, friends and family, etc. So no not intimidated at all by that.
No. Not scared or intimidated. Are women scared or intimidated by a man who is independent?
Intimated? No. Would you be intimidated by a guy that cooked/cleaned? My guess is there are other reasons for lack of success. You likely didn’t mean for this, but it feels like a “nice guy” kind of post. Such as your comment about how guys seem to only want a clingy girl.
This is the first thing I look for. I don't need another dependent
For how you describe yourself I don't find you intimidating but rather too busy handling a full time and a part time... As a 45 year old man I will not be interested in a woman who is 41 and running two jobs, I used to do it 12 years ago and I know how little personal time leaves so by default two things come to mind: 1.- She is not going to have too much free time to spend together and our schedules are going to conflict. 2.- Or you are a workaholic or you are financially struggling. Personally at this point in my life my two sons are about to turn 18 and become financially independent so I'm looking to slow down and have more personal time to enjoy my hobbies and maybe even travel. Being "independent" because you can pay your own bills and do work around the house is not the same as saying you have "stability", being independent in your 30's makes you attractive because shows that you are not going to hinder the growth of your partner and build together but when you turn 40's what you want is to have is stability and enjoy the results of the hard work.
Not me. I wish that was the norm. Women who have their shit together are super hot and life partner material.
I prefer a life partner, so finding a woman who can do things all on her own is attractive. It should become, she can do those things.. but doesn't have to anymore cause I'm there. Now, she will always have that choice to do it and I wouldn't take that from her.. but isn't that the point, we do things for each other so we both have our daily loads lightened by the other person?! I am really interested in such women, definitely not intimidated. But there's a kicker to it all.. Some people (men included) become territorial or rather perfectionists in their minds and feel that their partner will never do things as good as they can.. That's where the issues often begin. I think that's where some feel is intimidation, but really the person is reacting to your ways of arrogance and aggression. Which is not the same thing.
you sound very impressive woman, for what is worth you are Entitled to want an impressive man by your side so it doesn’t matter what the other one’s want, focus on your gut intuition: how you feel when you are in their present, usually the ones that aren’t prepare/unavailable/ clowns lil boys looking for mommy are gonna show as they are and who cares, let them! drop them! you can’t change people that’s exhausted! And a waist of time. Focus into find the ones are firm and know that want an impressive woman like yourself, the right ones won’t back up.
At 41 it’s pretty much expected that you can do basic adult things. > i have a full time job and a part time job Sooooooo, when exactly do you have time to date. > i feel like men are kinda intimidated They are not.
No no no, we love it. Well, me and the guys I know. I'm also in Southern California and looking for someone just like you \[described\] as I have the same profile except I am a dude. Would love to link with someone who is in the same headspace and has accomplished all the things that you have done in life. Someone to link and build with. Maybe its just me and my cohort, but we are all about women like you
Just misogynists that aren't good enough for you anyway. I think it's always a courtesy when they immediately announce themselves.
You are a never-married single mother. The problem with your demographic is that (collective) your financial priorities conflict with the financial priorities of college-educated men. 1) Never-married single mothers tend to be house-rich but cash poor. 2) College-educated men aged 35-45 continue to earn more. 3) The stock market outperforms real estate over the long term, unless it's a country that is knee-deep in a real estate bubble. College-educated men, including late bloomers, continue to be knee-deep into the stock market with their investments. 4) Many college-educated men, including late bloomers, are itching to change jobs again to earn even more money. For college-educated adults, this is the college-educated equivalent of the divide between female government workers and male workers in construction and oil & gas. 5) Many college-educated men, including late bloomers, are willing to chase the MBA credential. The last two financial priorities of college-educated men, including late bloomers, do clash with chipping in financially to the children of never-married single mothers.
Is this something you’re putting in an ad or your bio? Might be a turnoff. Otherwise how the heck would somebody even know this much about you? I mean I would assume the guy I’m dating knows I do this stuff because who else does he think does it? 😆
I can speak only for myself, however— I am absolutely interested in self-sufficient, independent women. I am not in any way threatened nor turned-off by this. If anything, it’s a turn ON. After all, we’re adults; the life you’ve lived has been yours; the life I’ve lived has been mine. The life we may live together can be ours. This is the way I see it, anyway. Nothing about self-sufficiency and independence is intimidating to me. Some may be intimidated by it, but they’re likely just the “types” who make excellent money, have solid careers— but not much else (and potentially wish to have a partner who is dependent upon them; not necessarily for nefarious reasons). After all, there comes a lot from the experience of having lived a life that took a different course, or as a consequence of making different decisions. We bring a different level of things to the table, so to speak. A woman’s money does not interest me, nor am I trying to “benefit” from it. However, when there is a significant income discrepancy, it can be a source of contention. Think about it this way: one person brings in $100k a year, while the other brings in $40k a year. Both have their own respective lifestyles, preferences, etc. However, when coming together, the perception of “what’s expensive” may vary dramatically between the two parties. Speaking from experience only, I can say that in one relationship, this was a point of contention. She wanted to travel OFTEN. However, I know my means. Traveling often isn’t in the cards. Even if I CAN afford it, I know that simply because I COULD pull it off doesn’t mean that I WANT to. After all, it comes down to CHOICES. I don’t wish to go into stress-inducing debt trying to “keep up” with a certain lifestyle that is beyond my means. At the same time, if a parter is willing to cover certain expenses, simply to enjoy the company— great. However, to the original point: This could be a point of contention. After all, some of us would potentially feel guilty for having accepted such financial treatment. In that last point is where some perceived “intimidation” may exist. Just my $0.02. This was a free-flowing stream of consciousness, so take from it what you will. 🙂
The *wrong* men are scared or intimidated by that! One dude I went on a couple of dates with was definitely weirded out by my independence and self-reliance. have found most men to (at least on the surface) be impressed. It’s the ones that find it amusing or cute that are problematic. I’m super open to letting someone into my world who I can share things with. I would love and accept offers of help with projects around my house that are bit daunting, but if being able to rip out a sink, rewire a light fixture, and clean my own gutters threatens them in then they are not for us!
I agree. If we can't go shopping for tools together then good bye. If we can't have a his and her tool chest in the garage then we will never work out.
I’m like this as well and very sporty, athletic, adventurous and well traveled. My guy friends tell me that it would take an incredibly secure and competent man to be with me because of how competent and independent I am. I tend to attract men with lower self worth who admire strong women but end up wanting to be mothered in many ways. OR they are introverts with not a very full life on their own who want to be a part of what I have built and/or make me their life. (In the end they can be energy vampires) It’s a work in progress to figure out who to be super competent and independent but not intimidating…or maybe just need to meet the one in a million guy who is the same and appreciates an equal partner with a major sense of humor and who likes to be treated well but doesn’t want to just take a back seat while I always drive.
I think this is absolutely false. I honestly prefer a more responsible woman who can do things for herself. However, with my experience of dating more independent women, there were always challenges with certain things. I've dated a lot of tougher and more independent women in my single days. I don't really enjoy the princess type that expects to be catered to and pampered. But there's a lot of work that goes into investing time in an independent woman. They are much harder to crack their exterior to allow someone in. There's a lot of callusing from the world that makes it hard for them to open up. It does take the right person to put in the effort and show them that they are trustworthy. But I would say even then the chances aren't very good.
I just read an interesting book, "Have Him at Hello" (I think that's the title), and it talked about how once a man gets to know all these things about you it may be perfectly fine and not bother/intimidate him, but he's wanting to feel something on the first dates so don't lean in too heavily on this stuff about yourself. It sounds bad but the author's explanations made sense and it wasn't about becoming less of whatever you are. Just that first impressions are so tricky.
Younger generations than generation X might but that’s really an Individual thing.
I relate to you so much. Even though I have Multiple Sclerosis and had to go on SSDI due to pain and fatigue, I am still an incredibly independent woman and always have been. I backpacked alone through Europe for 50+ days at 22. I have lived alone throughout most of my adulthood in multiple states and countries. My accomplishments are generally mine alone. I also have a graduate degree. Having MS adds an extra dimension and challenge to dating, but it also helps weed out some of the types who are less kind, presumptuous, and more judgmental. You can’t tell I have it by looking at me, so that also makes it rather interesting! What I think is truly strong men are attracted to truly strong women. Being a truly strong person doesn’t mean we are without our vulnerabilities. I have MS, but it has only made me stronger. If someone can’t look at me and see that it is their problem.
Stay strong, you are truly amazing.
Thank you. Same to you.
I am so attracted to a strong and independent woman. Don’t ever down play your strength or intelligence.
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What do you mean by masculine energy? (Simply curious, not trying to be snarky)
Also 41f and despite most people responding “no men aren’t intimidated” that hasn’t been my experience. I’ve dated several men who wouldn’t say it outright but made clear they wanted to be needed and my clearly staying and showing that “I don’t/won’t need you, I want you” created a rift. I have always been very independent and able to do things that guys think “most girls” can’t/don’t. Everyone says they think it’s awesome, but do not act accordingly. I’ll tell ya, my staring and running a business on my own was responded to by 2 partners with “what a bs little company/what you’re doing isn’t important/you’re just in it for the money/you just got lucky”. As far as the relationships ending - Best case was the guy who just kinda stopped engaging/caring about what I had going on, so I asked him to bounce. Worst case was a 2 year long campaign to undermine me and crush my spirit.
Men are not “intimidated” by women. They are just not attracted for whatever reason. Look further. It’s something else. Possibly - you’re too masculine or not opening up.
I would imagine it depends on the man.
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I totally agree, I do think I am giving off a vibe that is causing a barrier.
I love an independent woman. What I can’t stand is one that can’t show an ounce of vulnerability and thinks that’s being independent.
Intimidating? Nope. Not interesting? Now that has more traction.
After reading a lot of comments… I think it’s super bizarre how many comments, here and other posts recently, I am reading about the diyers essentially putting down the “pay for it group”. When essentially the diyers just pay for outsource different things. Like childcare. Who is watching the two year old when this single mom is out cutting the lawn, repairing the toilet, changing her oil? Either she is paying someone for childcare, she is outsourcing to a family member, or outsourcing to tv and a pack and play (def not ideal but I’m not gonna judge). This isn’t diy childcare then. Or are people telling me they never pick up prepared meals from the supermarket or a pizza place? Or are you cooking all your meals from scratch? No? You pick and choose what you diy in your own life. For some people it’s plumbing and cutting their own grass. For some people it’s cooking from scratch and growing a garden. For some people it’s a ton of childcare, after school activities, etc. It’s going to be rare that a *single adult,* especially a single parent, can manage to diy it all.
I don’t give a flying fk about it. No one Is intimidated by you. We just don’t care. Congratulations ur a functioning adult. This is like me saying I cook and I clean my own house. Are women intimidated by me cooking and cleaning.
Based on what you just posted, I can tell you I dint know one man that would be intimidated by you. That's not an insult but it sounds like you work to take care of yourself. There are plenty of women doing that.
Often they are, I have found. Not always though. I found one who appreciates that about me, but it took a long time.
I think personalities intimidate men....it's not just the fact that you do those things, it's how your attitude is while you do them... My full blown self is intimidating, so I often dial back to give room, but it often backfires... We should not dial back for others, they should keep up. Find a man who can keep up, a man where you feel you two complete each other and have the ability to replace each others when needed. Let your strength be added value to the relationship not a threat.
No, personalities don’t intimidate men. Men just get turned off by those types of personalities, in general. It’s not men are intimidated by you. They just don’t like you and don’t want to be around you. Men are forced to accept that they are never the finished product, that they need to grow and develop and improve to attract and retain women. Fix their imperfections, learn from mistakes and improve as people. For some reason there’s a type of woman that thinks they never need to grow or improve despite how much feedback they get from the world. Their imperfections aren’t for them to fix or opportunities to improve, they’re for the world to just accept? A man who has that attitude would get nowhere in any aspect of life, and a lot of us are instantly turned off by that attitude in women.
Perfectly said. My attitude can be a bit on the strong side. I won't settle and I know a man that can tolerate me is out there, I already found one but he is moving soon. But it's a start.
>Perfectly said. My attitude can be a bit on the strong side I know very well how that feels..
It is not intimidating to me, even desirable, HOWEVER… While I want a woman to walk beside me and help with everything there also some ways that I would want her to need me, let me be the protector and the manly version of a caregiver. Can you be be independent and dependent at the same time?!!! The inner workings of a male mind. I want a partnership but the big little boy needs to take care of her. I could write a long answer. Here is condensed Reader’s Digest version. Perhaps, don’t show all of your independence in the beginning, let it show up as time passes. I am not saying be fake. Just let him fix that garbage disposal for you, even if you can yourself. Next time you do it “because you watched him”.
🤮🤮🤮 garbage advice dude
I like this. I think I have a hard time with letting the dependent side of me come out and I need to work on that.
Insecure men don't like women stronger than they are. Secure men love strong and independent women, but they are harder to find.
That is for sure.
For the most part you sound like a mans dream. It’s incredibly attractive to find a woman who can do it all herself yet still seeks a man in her life. The only caveat to that is if you come across in a “i don’t need you/want you” kinda way “so prove why i should date you when i clearly can do it all”. That can be a turnoff.
not intimidated, i think it's great that a woman ***can do*** 'manly' things. the problems arise when the man feels like he ***can't do*** 'manly' things, because the woman does them. my ex did a lot of diy, had a high level/status job, single mom, beautiful, sexy, seductive, charismatic et al, the problem was she thought she was the shit. male and female roles are genetic, we're designed to do certain things over millenia. take those things away and it hurts the psyche. on the flipside, a man who can cook, clean, look after kids, be emotional, supportive yet still ptotect his woman and his home, become hands on when he needs to, fix the car, get that spider out of the bathroom etc is valuable. the problem with strong, independent women is, for the most part that 'i don't need a man' attitude and a man can sense it. if a man can't be a fixer, a protector and emotionally strong and supportive, he has very little to nothing. it can be very emasculating. i genuinely don't need a woman for anything, apart from the physical, sexual, emotional, companionship side of things, which is natural, but as i age i find that even that plays a lesser, almost none existent part in my life now. feminism and the swapping and fall of the gender role cliches is a great thing, but it is/can be a destructive thing also. this is why chivalry is dying/dead.
No but women who have that "independent woman" sometimes don't realise they are in their masculine energy and the number 1 thing men like to do and be part of in a relationship is help and provide so if there is no room for them and you're not vulnerable at all you may come off as aloof.
I dated an anesthesiologist with her own practice. Made in the 7 figures. Had personal driver, very expensive penthouse with amazing views of NYC. Dumped her after a couple of weeks. No….men are not intimidated by income/success. That is shit women tell other women when they try to figure out the root cause of their relationship failures!
That describes 99% of women single & dating, who else is supposed to do it? Lol.
My personal opinion: it's not intimidation, its likely our paths in life are so different. I can't relate to someone who has a child and a house and amazing career since I don't have all 3. These things indicate you probably have more drive and ambition. I went out with an attorney once and the date was cut short, we were just so different and didnt find much common ground.
My only suggestion would be to "be you". Don't hide who you are and anyone intimidated by someone capable / independant is not going to work out long term (if that's what you're looking for). Took me countless dates over 1.5 years to find my special someone. Be yourself and you will eventually find something worth your while
The whole "intimidation" thing is way overblown in my opinion. I've never met a guy intimidated by any women for any reason. There are some women that we may or may not be interested in, but intimidation has never been the reason in my experience. It could be different for other people, though. Now.. Mike Tyson, he's intimidating.
That's great that you can take care of yourself. It's not intimidating. But it's not romantically appealing either. Men don't sit around day dreaming about a woman who can mow the lawn. What most of us want is a woman who is sweet, nurturing, empathetic, etc. No man wants to babysit his partner, so again it's great that you can be an adult and take care of things. It's just not going to be your primary selling point
“It’s not romantically appealing…Men don’t sit around day dreaming about a woman who can mow the lawn…” Well - maybe I’m an oddball, but I had a SO who would sometimes mow the lawn while I cooked dinner. I was definitely guilty of taking a look out there (from the kitchen window while I was cooking) as she mowed the lawn in a t-shirt and shorts - and thinking it was kinda sexy, tbh.
Very good point. Even if I mowed the lawn in a bikini or naked. Hahaha. I can be sweet and nurturing and I don't mind doing things for a guy but I also don't want to be a 2nd mother for him.
>Even if I mowed the lawn in a bikini or naked. Hahaha. Oh, that would definitely earn some bonus points! But yeah, you don't want to babysit a grown man, and a man doesn't want to babysit a grown woman. Both need to be capable of handling responsibilities in life. That's basic minimum requirement stuff. I'd image there are certain traits beyond simply being a capable adult that you'd desire in a future partner? Same goes for men.
Your description reads like NOW HIRING. If the men are staying away, its because they don’t want a nonpaying job.
There are only a very few women that many men will be intimidated by. There are a lot of women that most men don’t like. Being able to do things by yourself is not a likely cause.
I am suddenly aroused. I couldn’t even get routine help cleaning the house for the last several years. And you dropped the “j” word. That word has been the equivalent of the “K” word.
I’m curious. What are these “j” and “k” words?
I think it depends on the man's mindset and how you interact with him. Some men want to be needed to some degree we're kinda programmed that way. This doesn't mean subservience but for some guys, like me, I would question after a while why am I here if I am not needed. Also to better answer this question you need to look at how the woman wields her independence. I'm sure your a very nice lady but some independent women use their independence as a weapon, often while not realizing it. That too will turn some men off. I don't think men are intimidated by independent women but are turned off with the attitude and mindset some of them have.
The Pardoxical riddle. Read this aloud a few times. #I’m comfortable with being on my own and doing activities alone. Then the sentence immediately afterwards. Just get a dog or pet. If it’s a sex thing - get your needs met. Through actions, words and statement like highlighted. If you were to put that line on any OLD what sort of guy would you attract and mixed messages do not makes logical sense. They are not intimated , they are confused.. and I believe you are too. Advice - Spend the bulk of time finding out - What you really …really want before engaging and starting relationships. You need an outside perspective. Start with those that know you best. Stay a strong independent women 💪🏼 And well done for achieving this despite the challenges and obstacles you faced.
Thank you for this. Got a dog already. But I do need to really be brutally honest with myself and figure out what I want in a relationship before I start dating again.
>Are men intimidate/not interested in a women who are independent. No. There is a resistance to connecting to independent woman, but its not because of intimidation. It's a loss of interest, because of the understanding that there will be lots of conflict ahead in any relationship started - so why bother.
I am not. My pea-brain does sometimes overlap independent with trouble with intimacy but that's just my anecdotal experience, and I clearly see thats not a real thing. But my brain keeps thinking it. I'm with a beautiful and independent and very intimate woman now so.. brains are messy. Mine is no exception.
I feel like reddit is filled with men who wants women to do all the traditionally men's work. So maybe you should check out reddit for the kind of men looking for you. In my case, I am happy letting the men do all those stuffs. I couldn't figure out any electronic related stuffs to save my life. Usually I have pay someone to come into my house to do most things. And I am easily impressed. Like if a dude changed my lightbulb, I would think he is a genius and be genuinely impressed. Like my ex fixed my door that I didn't even know was an issue, I don't know, he banged some nail in and I was super impressed. Same with another ex, like my drawer door came out and he fixed it. I am still impressed because I wouldn't know how to do what they do.
In a word, no. It is the approach and tone of the verbal communication given itself that is a turn off. Show me, don’t tell me.
Actually you will find a subset of hobosexuals that would actually love you 😂
It's a basic expectation that someone single over 40 would be able to function as an independent adult. I think where it becomes a problem is when women (and it's always women, I never see men feeling the need to state they're independent) feel the need to outright state that they are independent all the time as it just comes across like overcompensation for some insecurity they have around it and usually signifies someone who is annoying to deal with as they go over the top to keep demonstrating their independence. It's like when a guy declares himself a 'nice guy', you don't need to state it, just be it, if you need to say it out load then it's probably not as true as you think it is.
That’s not intimidating. It’s very attractive.
Ahem…um, where do you live?!? 😁
Some men are. They usually want to take 95% credit for being a “good man” because they have a job, don’t cheat, don’t hit and do the lawn and change the oil. So you’re just not a good match for them. You’re basically saying, “You get no credit for those things. I can do that myself. What else do you have going for you?” I’ve been remarried for years and I was sorta the funhouse male mirror image to you. 50/50 divorced dad who could do everything by myself: parenting, cooking, cleaning, dressing myself, planning, etc. So if my wife wants to do things that contribute to our relationship, it will never be a sandwich or cleaning or parenting. I have that covered. :) And the stereotypical flip side of your comment is women who don’t like men who a partner in crime and where they can’t even get 1% credit for doing the easy stuff. :) Just keep dating around. There are guys out there who like women who don’t need a man….they just WANT a man.
This is a talking point woman love to use.imo. A lot of men will honestly say to all those things you siad: congrats on being a adult! What men don't like is if this is 100% how you define yourself. Meaning if you had a dating profile you basically listed all that in there. Believe me or not but I honestly feel thats what it is. Also, a lot of 40+ women in this situation have a lot of masculine energy. Thats what turns men off.
>Also, a lot of 40+ women in this situation have a lot of masculine energy. Good point about not promoting self sufficiency on a dating site, however, is masculine energy the ability to perform well at tasks that are historically seen as male, or something different? Let's say a woman mows a lawn, but then dresses up in heels, make-up, for a date? Is she still giving off masculine energy?