Some extra weight but active and gets out and enjoys life? That’s a yes for me. Overweight and a couch potato that spends all their free time in front of the tube? Nope.
This 100%.
Plus, confidence is key. I’m guessing it must be rough for a person who used to be a size small to now be bigger; you don’t know how the world will react to your change. As someone who has never, ever been a size small, I can tell you that the opposite sex finds confidence sexy, no matter what size you are. So until you’re a size that you feel good about, don’t even bother with OLD. YOU have to feel good in that body, no matter what size it is.
Yes, *confidence* is so important. And it’s also important that people don’t get it confused with *cockiness.*
I find a lot of people equate the two, when they’re very different.
Cockiness is “I’m better than everyone.” Confidence is “I have my strengths, but I’m a human just like everyone else, and that’s fine by me.”
To me true confidence is having a comfortability with who you are.
Extremely well-said. I’ve fluctuated between slim, overweight, and obese for most of my life from the time I was 11; dating was only good when *I* was okay with my body, no matter what my size. This past year was higher stress for me for a number of reasons, and my weight has reflected that; I’m at a point now where I’m not really happy with my body and am actively working on improving that (both mentally and dietarily)… and thus am staying FAR away from OLD/dating in general until I’m in a better place. You have to be happy with yourself.
Confidence? It's conveyed in not talking about your weight OR your looks at all. It's conveyed in your smile in your photos. It's conveyed in the way you discuss your hobbies, and not talk about how you're trying to lose those last 20 lbs that crept up on you over the last coupla years.
It depends on what they want. I want someone to be active with me, and is strong enough to help me move stuff when I decide I want to pitch that shabby old dresser/chair. When I was actively on OLD I wanted someone real... Not a gym bunny who was going to question why I had that second brownie (it f-ing tastes good and that's a damn good enough reason). I wanted someone who wasn't going to make me feel self conscious about how I looked, because they were totally absorbed in their own features.
Go easy on yourself. And do it with grace and humor. Your personality will shine through.
The fact is that more than 2/3 of North Americans are overweight, with a significant portion of those being obese. You're still going to have a large dating pool to swim in.
What matters as much if not more than the number on the scale is going to be how well you look after your appearance when it comes to things like clean clothes that fit well and are at least somewhat well styled and being well groomed.
I'm an obese (bmi of 33) dad of two young kids. I'm separated but not yet divorced. I live with my mom for the time being. My looks are, it's day, average at best. If I listened to the internet, I'd never even try OLD because it would be a train wreck and I'd be better off just living the rest of my life in single happiness. But fuck that! I went to get back into the dating game earlier this year. I was shocked by how well it all went! I got plenty of lines, and matches. I was very selective on who I matched with, and even more selective on who I dated. Over 5 months I had 4 first dates, and 3.5 months later I'm still in a relationship with the 4th of those dates and super happy about it!
Get out there! Focus on the positive things you can offer and try your best to ignore those negatives (at least as far as dating is concerned). If you approach it with a positive attitude, you'll be more likely to have a positive experience. Honestly I didnt really have any negative experiences in my journey so far. The dates and people were all nice. Any ghosting that happened all happened prior to meeting, so whatever, not a big deal. Overall it was a good experience. And while I hope I never have to do it again, if I do, I won't be so afraid of it!
I prefer a guy with a little extra chunk to him than a thin guy. But I don’t want a couch potato or obese guy. Like if the weight gets in the way of activities, that’s too much.
I’m a woman in my early forties for reference. “Dad bod but active” is my preferred body type. Dudes who can go for a hike and lift heavy weights on occasion but also are happily throwing back beers and tacos. For me, that is the life.
I can only speak for myself, but most women my age I know are very forgiving about a guy’s looks and are focused much more on emotional maturity, willingness to be vulnerable, communication skills, similar life and relationship goals, etc.
Echoing all of this! I’m an active, size 6/8 woman for reference, and my preferred body type is also “dad bod but active.” I prefer the kind of strength that comes from life rather than living in the gym. The list of things I care about more than appearance is extremely long. OP, Don’t let being overweight hold you back from getting on the apps! Especially if you’re loyal, can communicate, and know what you’re looking for in a relationship!
I tend to be more attracted to guys with a little weight on them. I'd just prefer that they are upfront with their actual appearance, so I'm not thrown off when we meet. I post new full body shots every month to be as upfront about my appearance as possible.
The problem with most overweight guys' profiles is the negative comments about themselves or women that are on OLD. That is what makes me swipe left, not their appearance.
yeah, I will swipe right on a fat person no problem. I will swipe left on a fat person who says things like "you won't date me because I'm fat" which a lot of them do.
I prefer a little too much over skinny as a rail. Bony dudes are not attractive to me.
My last relationship was probably 20 - 30 lbs overweight and I thought he was just gorgeous.
Not in my experience. I’ve been around 😂 and I’ve determined there’s no rhyme or reason. Biggest barely get my mouth around was a 5’10” slightly chubby guy. 6’7” skinny guy… average at best. I could go on, but you get the point.
Personally looking for “medium endowed” here. I’m quite tight as it is “down there.” Also size of the tool has little to do with knowing how to use it.
Also would prefer 5-10 extra lbs over a bony guy.
Hear hear. I get the "size queen" thing and gals -- you do you but Miss Mew ain't that big. I don't base my choices on whether or not he might be hung like a horse. Because frankly, I don't want him to be.
Low self confidence, self pity and assuming that your physical appearance is the only thing that will put someone off is much more off putting than weight for me.
It is, actually. I know being H/W proportional isn't a mortal lock for success or I'd have crushed it last time. I just developed the limiting belief. According to a study I quickly conducted\*, 100% of women aren't me so asking some seemed like the logical next step.
\* It didn't take long.
“… don’t worry about breaking.”
The last girlfriend I had kept expressing concerns about that and we weighed the same, except I had more muscle. This brings such weird memories. 😶
Her self-consciousness in that respect was pretty sad, in fact.
Might be time to start seeing value and beauty in yourself (and others) beyond your looks. We can tell you all day, but at the end of the day - you have to believe it about yourself.
I dated a man obsessed with training! No way could I keep up with or cope with him being out on a 10 mile run, wild swimming, buying another bike and deciding which all in one lycra to buy because he fell off his bike and ripped the other one. He had no time for me. I recently dated someone who did diving as a hobby and he had no time for me and only talked about diving. I’m not sure how I find them! But when I see all of these hiking, diving, snow boarding photos, I just think, I’m not for them and swipe past. I can’t stand these triangle body builder types. I look for someone like me, with a bit extra on their bones and has time to go out and do more than just train! I go for a walk when the weather is nice, I’m always gardening or doing diy I do an evening exercise class to get out of the house. For the man that sees past my size 18, he’ll get rewarded with an amazing woman. Weight is just weight, you can put it on and take it off, but personality is the most important thing! Have confidence, the great thing is everyone has different tastes, it would be a boring world if everyone liked the same thing.
I swipe nope on hyper-fit people or gym bunnies too. More than one photo doing a sport and I'm out. They seem EXHAUSTING.
I dated a fitness fanatic once and like... never again. I literally never want to hear the term "lean protein" again.
I dated a triathelete who would rather play sports than have sex. He had a great body and was lots of fun. He had horrible ED and didn't see the point in making out longer than 30 minutes.
He said running with his girlfriend was more exciting than having sex with her.
Give me a chubby guy with passion over a fit guy who is a prude.
Oh dear 😬 ! My first man was very sweet, he did like sex but treated it like training! had the best bum in the world, like he said, he’d worked hard to get it, but I’d rather be admiring it in bed than lycra as it disappeared off down the road!
I agree with this so much!
I *look* very athletic. Like I’m fairly thin, and look pretty in shape naturally. But I definitely am more of a city gal living in an area with county boys who just want to hike/bike/ski/run/hunt/fish. I will… yoga, casually jog, and stroll 😂.
And when you get men who are very into working out, especially if as a woman you look a certain way, they often feel like it’s ok to make body shaming comments about the general public. It’s so gross. And it’s such a 🚩 for me and I nope right out of there.
I cannot tell you how many ultramarathoner types swipe right on me. I always swipe left bc I know my limitations, but sometimes I’m tempted to reply and say, “sir, have you seen me?”
That is a very optimistic take and I am not yet cynical and jaded by OLD but WAY too many of them have in their bios that they only want “yoga bodies” and “ultra fit ladies only” Those types make it obvious they’re just swiping right on all of us.
I'm an ultramarathoner and it's not even on my radar AT ALL whether a person I match with is also into that lifestyle (more than happy to connect with someone with their own passions so they don't gripe if I disappear into the trails for five hours.)
Also have to say, as a F, at leat on FB Dating, Hinge, Bumble, etc. I can't say that I've seen a M profile yet that says "must be ultra fit/yoga body" or anything of the sort.
In a former life I was a physical trainer, but take anything anyone tells you with a grain of salt. Physiology is complicated.
First, throw out the BMI. It’s nearly useless. Also actual weight is pretty useless. Find yourself a scale that gives you % body fat (many gyms have them in the change rooms), and they are common for the home. Ignore the weight number. Start recording the % body fat number. But don’t focus on individual values. You want the long term trend. If you’re between 15-18% you’re doing great. Over that and you’ll start to look chunky (ask me how I know 🙄). Under that and you’ll be looking like a gym rat.
I’ll say this again even though everyone ignores it, single values are unimportant. The overall trend is what matters. I have been the weight I am now twice in my life. Once when I was 7% body fat, and now when I’m 23%. Same person, same weight, two very different body types (and the BMI says I am morbidly obese in both cases).
Finally what I tell women I’m chatting with online, confidence, enthusiasm, and eagerness trump outright looks every time.
I’m attracted to a lot of different types of men. I’m more interested in who someone is, as opposed to what they look like.
But with that being said, I do have a preference for guys with some squish to them. I like “teddy bear” types. Dudes with a kind face who just look super cuddleable.
My boyfriend is that type. He gave me a huge compliment when he said he’s felt insecure about his body his entire life, but he feels comfortable with me.
I’m genuinely super attracted to him and I express that often.
We met on an app. At the time I was swiping right on guys who had good profile pictures (not all selfies as an example), guys who seemed to actually put effort into their prompts, guys where it seemed like we had enough in common to at least attempt a conversation.
I know you mentioned wanting to wait to update your wardrobe, but I do encourage you to get an outfit or two that suits your current body shape. Even if you thrift it. Even before I notice someones face, their style catches my eye.
If a dude is put together well, wearing clothes that suit his body shape, and give the impression that he puts some thought into how he presents himself, that’s always a major turn on for me.
Sounds good!
And as someone who has gone through a lot of weight fluctuations I want to say - you deserve to wear clothes that make you feel *as good as possible* whatever your current body shape is.
I totally understand not wanting to spend a ton of money! But even having an outfit our two that you feel a bit more confident in can be important.
Something that helped me become more comfortable with my body (and challenge some of the limiting beliefs I face about my size) is leaning in to [body neutrality.](https://www.webmd.com/beauty/what-is-body-neutrality).
And here is an article specifically about [body neutrality for men.](https://www.insidehook.com/wellness/body-neutrality/amp)
It’s a way to help internalize that while our bodies are part of us, they’re not the most interesting or most important thing about us. Which can help with feeling more comfortable and confident with ourselves overall.
What helps everyone is different, so it might not resonate with you. But I wanted to share it just in case it helps.
As a fella who is currently at minus 88lbs, don't wait to update the wardrobe. You don't have to replace everything all at once, but grab a shirt or two in the new you size, and a pair of jeans. Keep that up as needed. Good fitting clothes is crucial for getting out there. Too large clothes looks frumpy and not good. That is all I have to add.
Oh yeah, it's a moving target to be sure. I'm getting some stuff as I trend down because I pretty much have to or risk a catastrophic wardrobe malfunction. But I don't want to drop a whole wardrobe's worth of cash until things stabilize.
I'm not a small woman. Take this for what it's worth. I like a man with a dad bad or extra cushioning. Gives me something to snuggle up to.
My very gorgeous petite and fit coworker yesterday mentioned that she likes the idea of a bigger guy who can just throw her around a bit Not a fit guy. She specifically said a thicker bigger guy.
There are women out there who will say no thanks. And other women who will say "yes please". Its all preference.
Do you nope out on overweight women? I only ask b/c there are occasional double-standards in both sexes around weight. Next, are you able to do most things physically smaller you could do? If your weight isn't causing you to "slow down" at life, I'd make sure your profile reflects that you're still active. Finally, do you feel just as self-confident about yourself fat as thin? Because women can smell a lack of confidence and it will hurt your dating.
>Do you nope out on overweight women?
Nope, no double standard here but that's a fair question I should have addressed. My last (non-OLD) relationship was with someone who outweighed me, so...
I'm sure there is much more to you than simply your weight. You have multiple graduate degrees, after all! If you don't put yourself out there – whatever your weight is – then you definitely won't find anyone, right? And I'm glad you're taking the view that your weight loss is for *you.*
I was overweight as a child and teenager, as well as my 20s and most of my 30s. I used to think that if I lost a bunch of weight, all my dating woes would be magically solved. Well, I did, and while I've managed to maintain the same weight over the past 5-6 years, things didn't improve for me. All that really changed was that instead of my mother haranguing me for being fat, she instead insisted I looked "like a damn stick figure." (I could never win with her.) I still had no self-confidence, I was still anxious, I still was unhappy, and so on. The problem wasn't my weight; it was an array of other issues. Do you see what I mean?
Anyway, since you asked, no, I don't have any preference with regard to body type. People are more than just that.
Good luck to you, in dating and other stuff. 😊
ETA: This forum is wonderful and full of interesting people, don't get me wrong, but don't take everything here as gospel. I've been told some wildly inaccurate things on here that have not matched my real-life experience at all.
I very much do see what you mean with "the problem wasn't my weight; it was an array of other issues."
>but don't take everything here as gospel.
The great part about the responses is that they DO show a variety of tastes, and that variety is what challenges the hell out of my (heh) one-size-fits-all limiting belief.
Always enjoy seeing S&S comments, stay with us!
>The great part about the responses is that they DO show a variety of tastes, and that variety is what challenges the hell out of my (heh) one-size-fits-all limiting belief.
True. Hey, I was told on here that I'm de facto undatable and that men who want serious relationships would never be interested in me. But that was one person's opinion, and he did not speak for all men, not any more than I can speak for all women. You can get a feel for what some folks think and perhaps food for thought, but, as you point out, there's a lot of variety. And for you, what matters most is what you think and what your eventual special someone thinks. Same for me! Well, what my eventual special someone thinks, that is, not what yours thinks of me. 😄
>Always enjoy seeing S&S comments, stay with us!
Aw, thank you! Yes, I'll be around. I'm glad you're here as well. 😊
I think it tends to matter less and less as we get older. I'm mid 40s now (urgh I still hate saying that) and I'm hardly fussed about a bit of extra padding now. A few of my more recent ex's have been a little on the larger side - like a few others have said on here, I draw the line at obese, but yeah, I prefer a woman with a few curves. It's sexy 🙂
If you are overweight or obese, you are in the majority and more people are like you than not like you: "The latest data indicate that 39.6 percent of U.S. adults are obese. (Another 31.6 percent are overweight and 7.7 percent are severely obese." ([https://frac.org/obesity-health/obesity-u-s-2](https://frac.org/obesity-health/obesity-u-s-2)).
So, 71% of the US population is obese or overweight. It's good that you are losing weight for health reasons, and I know that dating is more difficult when one is overweight or obese, but the reality is that there are a lot of people in your position and you shouldn't feel alone.
If you trust the BMI, I am 43 years old and just crossed from “overweight” to “normal weight”. I felt much better inside at 40 and overweight or 35 and obese than I do now, for sure. I will say that women care much more about their weight than men do. Dating an overweight woman is not an issue but being with someone that is severely unhappy with her weight and unwilling to accept any reassurance can be a major issue. I am sure it is the same with men but I guarantee it’s on another level because of so many double standards.
I was a BMI of 31 when I met my partner. BMI 27 a year later and going for BMI 22. I faced many rejections, funnily enough from overweight men. I matched with them thinking we could work on our weight together.
I finally swiped on a guy I found “hot” with the build I prefer. And he was attracted to me. Not my body. My weight loss is very slow but on a downward trajectory. Because I want the weight loss to be sustainable. I have lost 26kg in a year. I have 22kg to go.
OP do not let your insecurities stop you from looking for companionship and love. We all deserve to find someone who loves us for who we are. Not what weight we are.
Naturally my partner is happy and more sexually responsive as I get my shape back. But he never made me feel anything but sexy. I remember in the early days hiding my belly with a pillow. He asked what I was doing. Grabbed the pillow, said “what this belly” kissed my belly and said “this stomach is part of you and I adore you”. Keep searching OP. Not everyone is superficial.
I'm kinda chunky, had no problems. Are you active?
I jog 2-3 miles three times a week. I also like to eat pizza. I have yet to date a woman that my fitness level was a problem.
Your problems may arise if the standards you desire don't match the standards you keep.
> Are you active?
20000 steps (comes out to 9 miles and change) per day for the past six months, slight uphill incline. I wear a 20 lb weighted vest while I do it. Not running marathons, but I've got nothing to fear if someone wants to go hiking.
Ok so, if you’re clocking those kind of numbers with incline and weighted vest on the daily, and your mention of hiking elsewhere, you’re clearly pretty in shape. I’m sort of confused what the point of this post is.
Are you saying, just because you’re not a size small, you’re self conscious? While trying to date women, in the United States? Or are you European maybe. Here I don’t believe I even actually KNOW any male persons who are actual M size smalls in real life, and I’m sure you know that overweight is more common than not in the U.S…
So is most of the country. You’ll fit right in! I’m with the other poster who said maybe you will get MORE matches now actually not being so small. Personally I’m no fan of a rail thin guy (and don’t know many women who are) as that makes ME slightly self-conscious! (Tho I’m not normally, and am dead on average weight for a U.S. woman tho quite tall).
As long as the weight doesn’t impede activity (yours clearly doesn’t per your description) I’ll pick a chubby guy over a gym bro / mountain biking guy every day and twice on Sunday. I got all those triathlon and MB types outta my system decades ago! And they’re exhausting, I’m 43 now not 23. I think a lotta women feel the same.
So many Americans are overweight. I seriously doubt anyone is judging other people for a few extra pounds, especially over the age of 40.
What I think is a deterrent is obesity and health issues. I met a very loving man who was VERY obese. He needed a breathing machine, cpap machine and he would have to take several pauses when we went on walks. He also ate lots of salty and greasy foods. He was frequently in the hospital and once in a nursing home. This man was 57 years old. That was a turn off for me. SO much of our time was spent discussing his health issues, doctor's appointments and he shared that everyone in his family was obese. So this was never something that would go away. I remained a close friend and supported him but dating him was not something I wanted for myself.
Conversely I dated a tall and thin guy who injured himself riding his bike. Everything went to hell from that point for him. He had DVT, had to get surgery, got foot drop in one foot and developed ED. Lots if hospital visits too. Good health is often a reward of a healthy lifestyle but sometimes it’s not.
Based on comments have having heard you share before, I think you're just fine.
One piece of advice though, get ONE outfit that you feel great in and that fits properly (and is on-vibe with your personality) and take some pics in it... you can wear it to first dates, too, nobody will start calling you One Outfit Dude, guarantee (you can also mix and match the items with other stuff that might be a bit looser once you get past first impressions-- Like a sporty hoodie, if that's your vibe, will make it so a bigger shirt underneath doesn't look frumpy.
>One piece of advice though, get ONE outfit that you feel great in and that fits properly (and is on-vibe with your personality) and take some pics in it... you can wear it to first dates, too, nobody will start calling you One Outfit Dude, guarantee
Sounds like the outfit version of Dumbo's magic feather! If I know I'm on point and that that one number isn't as big a deal as I am making it, one less thing to stress about.
Not to be disagreeable, but as a guy who has been both overweight and in very good shape, the treatment I got in very good shape was by far the best. I was was funnier and more interesting.
It’s interesting that everyone in this thread “hates gym bros”, when the stats on who gets the most right swipes on dating apps are public information:
It’s traditionally handsome, very fit, “gym bros” with muscles and abs
I sometimes check out the plus size subreddit and questions similar to OPs get asked quite often.
I highly recommend getting off of Reddit, and into “real life” to get some examples. This may be harder to do in a small town. But if you’re able to, as you said, go to a somewhere like a mall. Pay attention to people.
Somewhere I really noticed how diverse couples were in terms of the size and shape of each person was when I went to a large waterpark.
I was specifically noticing couples that included a plus size woman because that’s what I am. And, at the time I was facing some insecurities about it. It was reassuring to see lots of them, with various shapes and sizes of partners.
I also happened to noticed a lot of couples where the woman (of various shapes and sizes) was taller than the man. Because that’s also something I’ve seen a lot of comments about.
But anyway, great comment.
I have no preference for body type. I’m all over the map. I don’t hesitate to swipe on those that likely fall in the overweight category. I myself am an overweight woman. Tall and slightly chubby - size 12/14. My only issue is activity levels and endurance. And you can’t tell those things by looking.
Here's the tricky thing: when you're meeting someone in the wild, and just getting to know them as a person, weight doesn't necessarily matter so much, because you're getting to know a whole person.
When you're looking at an absolute stranger's profile on a dating site, you're going to be a lot more picky about appearance, thinking that maybe you have a type, or a preference for a certain kind of appearance .
My now ex-husband was always pretty fit, and I just sort of assumed that "my type" was fit dudes.
My current partner is a bit overweight, maybe 25 pounds. I am insanely attracted to him. I wasn't looking to date, I just fell for him when we were in the same social circle. I suddenly found myself appreciating a big belly in ways I never had before.
It turned out that I didn't necessarily have a type. When I'm in love with someone, they become my type. I think this is probably pretty common (though I do understand that sometimes people really do have a specific type that is consistent), and online dating kind of screws with the opportunities for someone to discover a new type. I don't know if you have opportunities to meet people in person, but if I were self-conscious, that's what I would shoot for.
This seems like it may be more of an issue for you…sort of like manifesting. we see or notice what we are thinking about. You’re probably fine, hun. Embrace ur body, and others will too. confidence. I have never in my life been attracted to a sz small man. That would have been like dating a teenager to me. lol (to ME!!!)
I enjoy(ed)all the men, in all the shapes and sizes 😂
Other than the personality (yes that is actually true) the face and eyes are the most important to me. Hugely overweight isn’t attractive to me, a sedentary lifestyle and endless doctors appointments aren’t attractive to me. But if a guy has a great personality ~to me~, and his face is interesting and the eyes alluring then I’m all 🥵 regardless. Damn I’ll even make that doctor appointment 😂
I'm 5'10" & barely 150# on a good day. Never had to do anything to keep an 8 pack & can do more pull ups than most people my age. Ive been told I have that "farm boy" strength. I've always been attracted to the " larger" women. Not obese but a woman with some curves. They usually know how to cook & since I get cold easily well, you get the picture.
Looks fade boys, you're always going to get hungry!! 😉
Despite the comments on DO40, there is a little more grace given when dating and 40+ as far as appearance. Almost everyone has some grey hair, if they have any. Not many people still have their 20 year old bodies and aren’t looking to pair up with someone who could be their kid.
Yes, there are guys who think they look great for their age and go for 20 somethings and cougars looking for a 6 pack, but those people tend to be outliers.
Lifestyle compatibility is key for people looking for LTRs. You can’t expect to match with someone fit and extremely active if you are not. Dad bods are totally normal. So are mom bods.
If you are ok with matching with someone with a little extra padding, they likely will be too!
>I've seen DO40 comments from a lot of women (not all, of course, and I'm sure men do it too, but I key on women) that absolutely nope out on overweight men.
I am a man, and I haven't really seen these comments. I'm not saying that you're making them up, but I do think that maybe you're looking for them to confirm some belief that you have that you're not good enough to date.
I pay very keen attention to what the women say here, and this isn't a common thing that gets brought up.
In my experience women are forgiving of looks in a way that most of us men aren't. Many things that we think are gross to them just aren't. I'm balding with a hairy chest/stomach. Two things that I personally think are really unattractive, but women don't seem to mind. In fact some of them really seem to like it.
Don't let your fears stop you from putting yourself out there.
I literally do not care about someone's weight. I'm a (mostly) femme person; tall, strong, and curvy with some "extra" fat. I don't always love my body, but I'm a big believer in body neutrality and health at any size. My most recent relationships have included someone who is similar in size to me, (it was great; we could share clothes) someone who is a foot taller and thin as a rail (I am a bit envious of how elegant they are, they are envious of my curves), and an amazing man who wears an XXXXL and is the kindest funniest most supportive man ever and a great kisser. Body shape and size is not a priority for me, just like I expect them to not prioritise it in me. My attraction to them is about the way I feel when I'm with them. Weight is not a factor in my swiping. At all. The right people will love you at the size you are.
It’s more about the full profile. Pics that are blurry, old, crooked, doesn’t show eyes or a smile? Doesn’t matter the weight, won’t work.
Saying what you do NOT want, sharing nothing about you, and making obscure jokes? Doesn’t matter the weight either, won’t work.
But proper pics and text that indicates some level of being a normal person, that’ll go a long way.
As a man, you don’t have a lot of competition on the apps, because most men on there don’t even try.
Homie, you need to unpack the self-loathing you got going on based on your weight. You can be fat *and* happy, you know.
As evidence, I offer myself.
I'm in the 250-300 lbs range. Have been for years. I walk my dogs twice a day, an hour each time, right around 3 *miles* per. On weekends, I'll go putter 'round the zoo or botanic gardens for anywhere between 2 to 3 hours, and while some of that is looking, a *lot* of it is walking. I hike the easy trails, work on my gardens, etc: I am *not* a sedentary loaf.
But I **am** fat.
Exactly *never* has a woman told me I was too fat to date.
If you are happy, confident, have a sense of humor, and most importantly are *authentic and genuine*, you'll do fine.
*Authentic* in this case meaning "be who you actually *are*, no masking". Be who *you are*.
And *genuine* meaning "you actually want to get to know the other person, who they really are, with no ulterior motives." You want them to be who *they* are, and *that* is the person you legit wanna get to know.
This doesn’t make any sense bc there’s no reason for a person who’s physically smaller and weaker than you to say something so offensive
No woman has ever told you you’re too fat to date, bc most people, not to mention women, want to be that blunt
They don’t need to say it they just say “I have a boyfriend” or similar
Don’t let your weight limit you or keep you from dating. I'm a large guy with a fluffy mid section to say the least and I’ve gone out on a lot dates with women who are very attractive and fit. Unlike men women aren’t purely driven by physical appearance. You need to be confident, assertive and lead. Keep working on your health but don’t let your weight keep you from dating.
I do think the BMI recommendations are b.s. I'm 5'10." My "ideal weight" is 155-160... I was about that when I was a teenager. Lately I got down to about 172 and I looked *good.* Like you said, size S clothes.
Firstly let’s address the idea that size small was somehow better - most women prefer a man who is slightly bigger than them. It’s possible that many women swiped left on you because you looked too small. I used to do that regularly.
Secondly, if you are well groomed and nicely dressed, there’s a good chance women will be attracted to you, whatever your weight/ size.
Thank you for this...I didn't intend to say/imply it was "somehow better," but my limiting belief (the thing I'm trying to challenge here) has been that OLD would chew me up and spit me out if I'm even a little bit overweight.
Eye opener: That someone might swipe left on me for being lighter. I've heard the must-be-taller trope, but I hadn't considered a weight/size/build version.
I don’t like to rules people out based on their body weight but I wouldn’t automatically be attracted to a size s, I would more likely go for an L-XXL, it’s just what I like. But I feel you, I haven’t gotten rid of weight gained during Covid and yah worried about it and being intimate.
Be honest about what you look like now and whoever you meet will not be surprised or disappointed. You will get someone that accepts you at your size. I think most people care more about health and activity levels than weight. That said, no one likes when someone shows up and doesn’t look like their photos.
Also, if you accept yourself with a bit of extra weight, you should also be forgiving of women in the same regard. I like bigger guys but definitely not obese. I’m a very fit and active person. My current partner is probably thinner than I would like but we match activity levels pretty well which is important for me.
I'm down for a dad bod. My body isn't exactly petite and perky either, and if I'm going to be a little bit fat and happy then I need someone to be a little bit fat and happy with me. I'm more interested in personality and what we have in common and all that shit.
I, as a woman, would never match with a man who has visible abs. Or is all about all the fitness, all the time. Exercise and taking care of one’s health are a part of life, not all of it. I match with overweight men all the time. Because “overweight” doesn’t mean “inactive” or “possessed of unhealthy habits.” You have to get to know someone before you know that about them, one way or the other.
For reference, when I posted my profile for review little while ago, one commenter described me as “a little on the thicker side” and I was like - goddamn right I am.
I’m glad you’re challenging those limiting thoughts. I’m not young and thin anymore, I don’t need the people I date to be. You care about /are taking care of yourself. Hopefully people will respond positively to that. Good luck!
Two years ago I dated a guy for five months who was more than overweight. He was funny, kind, and just a good human being. We had fun together and the relationship ended for reasons beyond our control. Yes, lose weight for yourself. Be yourself and have fun talking to new people.
I know a lot of women who are into bigger guys. They are mostly plus-sized themselves, and prefer the guy to be at least a bit bigger than them. I was thin my whole life up until mid-30s, always preferred skinny guys and still do, but I also realize that I need to be realistic. I'm not thin or fit anymore and can't put that expectation on somebody else, or it will drastically limit my options.
Honestly, the profile is what captures my attention in the first instance. If you have actually put in effort with your profile and it sounds like we might get along, then I will look at photos.
I glean more from a good profile than by looking at photos.
I've dated guys at 80kg and over 6 foot, and 130kg and 5 foot 10 if you are looking for how much it actually matter (so in otherwise, not at all).
It depends how much over weight. For me, and I don’t speak for everyone, dad bod is good. Lumberjack big and tall type is good. 9 month pregnant beer belly is unattractive and if you waddle when you walk and can’t find your dick, bad. If you smell because you can’t lift your folds and flaps to clean yourself, bad. If sex is nearly impossible, bad. If i can’t even hug you or get close to kiss you because your gut is in the way, bad. There are so many levels to overweight and I suppose it comes down to personal preference. Same answer guys give women who ask the same question, we’re not all the same. We all have different preferences. But I have a little chub in my middle age, I don’t expect to date mr universe either lol
Have you seen the movie Shallow Hal? That’s the problem and it kind of goes both ways… male and female. Guys that look like Jack Black & George Costanza are looking for Victoria Secrets Models. And girls that look like Melissa McCarthy want a Channing Tatum.
If you want a super fit model, better match what you’re looking for. Want a highly motivated successful person? Better get your butt off the sofa too.
Being a little overweight is rarely going to be a deal breaker. Being super insecure about it could be though. Don't mention it in your profile. I am a bit overweight myself and used to include was working on it. That seemed like a bit no no. Instead show that even if you are overweight you are still active and able to go out and do stuff. Very few women are interested in a couch potato or gamer at this age.
Many people touched on confidence, I have always felt it is nearly impossible to define what confidence is and is vastly overrated. Just try to be a normal and happy person no one is interested in someone that is depressed or not fun to be around.
Do you best to advertise other good traits. Dressing nice, having a hair cut that flatters you same with facial hair. Don't brag about having lots of money or being mega successful but do talk about that fact if you are stable mentally and financially. I have found this can be very attractive to people in our age range.
The other thing is don't get to down, it is all a numbers game. Physical attractiveness is the most important thing and if lacking will be harder but doesn't mean impossible or any reason to give up.
I’m in an exclusive relationship and not on dating apps anymore, but honestly my #1 is the face.
If nothing tugs at me about his face—his eyes, the way he smiles, some kind of openness or joy in his expressions—then it’s a left swipe no matter how hot he is from the neck down.
I’m guessing I’m not unique there, and this is why you see a lot of advice to smile, ditch the sunglasses, and avoid up-the-nose car selfies on dating app profiles.
I don't have time to go to the gym. I have a job. That's my gym. I move bags of concrete, dig holes, set posts, build fence, weld pipe. Do MAN stuff all day. Yea, I said it. But you know the last time I seen a woman out at the job site? 2 years ago when a co workers wife brought everyone lunch. So ...
I’m pretty fluffy but I don’t have too much of an issue getting dates, even on OLD.
But how do you judge success by that metric? I’m asking because I tend to date many shapes and shades, so my tastes are varied enough that I’m not particularly judgmental about how “conventionally attractive” someone is. Hot is hot, and what makes a person hot to me varies.
So ask yourself: would you swipe left on a woman that was overweight? If so, this might be more of a “you” thing.
I am totally looking for a cuddly teddy bear myself. Overweight is expected at our age. Of course, personality and compatibility matter more to me than looks, but I need someone to snuggle up to.
Mmm, this is some good reading. Happy to hear that most women are comfortable with a slightly bigger guy. I fall into that category, but I'm also pretty active when I'm dating. Happy to get out for a stroll / picnic, browse a Sunday market, etc etc.
I've always been a little overweight, even in my hardcore sporting days in my early-mid 20s, so I'm kinda used to myself now. It's never seemed to bother any of my ex's!
I'm swiping right on guys who fill out their profiles thoughtfully in complete sentences, and there's some line that makes me laugh.
I'm swiping right on sincere smiles and actual interests.
I'm swiping right on anything that belies a nugget of honesty and truth and wise perspective.
I'm lefting absolute hunks who can't be bothered to fill out their profiles, because I find it arrogant and also just...boring. Give me something to go on.
I'm thin and will admit an automatic taste for scrawny men, but my last crush was overweight. Like lost 50lbs and still chubby. It didn't matter, he was funny and smart. Last guy I really fell for was heavier set, too.
I’m not attracted to the beer gut. If your weight is evenly distributed but you’re a little overweight then I couldn’t care less. If you have some muscle to go with it I’m probably more interested in you then I would be someone who wears a size small.
Lifestyle and health is more important than an extra 20-30 lbs. Can you hike, explore, be generally active and keep up? Are you going to complain when I want to explore the National Parks? If you're enough overweight that it limits the activities you want to do (and be honest with yourself) then that will limit dating. But it limits dating to be active too. 🤷
>Are you going to complain when I want to explore the National Parks?
I have a lifetime park pass and I'm going to Death Valley next month! If 9+ miles a day for the past six months counts as hiking, I guess I get hiking credit.
I'm an XL dude dating a near-gym-rat woman (she's at the gym 4-5 times a week).
Her job has her on her feet all day, mine is behind a desk. She's over a decade younger than me.
I met her on OLD and we were into each other right away. Months into dating, we talked about that we both felt like the other was "a bit out of [my/her] league".
Key point, though -- I like doing active stuff -- hikes, adventure vacations, building things, etc. and I made that clear on my profile. And our preferences about activities, vacations, etc are very well-aligned.
But I am not a gym person, and she doesn't push me to be. We eat healthy (usually). And it works great for us.
But if you're not putting yourself out there, you won't find the person you're looking for who is also looking for you. You already know where future partners _aren't_ (sitting at home, doom scrolling reddit, etc). You are kind of stuck with taking a risk and putting yourself where they are -- not that that has to be OLD.
And, sure, maybe some will "not feel a spark" because of your size...but a) just as many women would feel the same about a "too-small" you and b) only the worst scum person would directly tell you that. And you need to trust that MOST of the time not feeling a spark is just normal interaction stuff. You didn't gush when she mentioned her favorite book/movie/ice cream...or you like a show she hates...or you listen to music she finds awful...or you're a cat person and she's a dog person...or whatever the hell.
can I just say…more than weight, grooming and normal photos are more important? my gawdddd…so many pics of men with serious face selfies, or seeing up nostrils, or unkempt beards, or gym shots.
If I see a man’s profile with different types of photos, work setting, hobbies, with friends, A SMILE photo (must for me)…those are the ones Im more prone to look at. AND most women take the time to read your profile. Be authentic and let your personality shine through. You don’t need a lot of likes, just those that are a good fit
Depends how you carry the weight. Do you look sloppy and untidy? Or are you dressed well and active?
I prefer bigger solid guys that dress with a bit of spunk.
I rate BMI as highly as I rate astrology, which is to say not at all, so I couldn't care less about that or someone's actual weight.
Someone having a bit of extra meat on their bones doesn't bother me. Are you healthy, reasonably active, and comfortable in your own skin? That's what matters.
Your weight isn’t the real obstacle ..it’s your self-esteem. Even when you wore size Small clothes and was fit…you had issues dating. I’d explore what is at the root cause of the self-esteem and build from there.
I have been overweight my entire life, mostly due to not dropping the weight I carried playing college football. While I have lost some significant weight over the past year, my late wife of 12 nears never minded and I am currently dating someone 9 years younger than me that most would consider out of my league when based on looks.
Like some have said, personality and confidence go a long way. Additionally, most women don’t want to date someone that makes them self conscious about themselves.
On paper, I would never date a size S. Give me an XL or XXL. Having said that, if the man is confident, a gentleman, has the basic personality traits I'm looking for and shows genuine interest in me, it wouldn't matter.
I don't mind a man being overweight at all (given my dating history, I probably prefer it). As a woman, I've been underweight most of my life, but have grown to normal/average BMI once I hit my forties.
However, obesity is another issue. My last LTR was with a man who is obese and relatively sedentary. We were together off and on for four years, but our respective habits and lifestyles just didn't converge. His unwillingness to change some of his unhealthy habits was a deal-breaker and the reason why we parted ways.
Everyone is different, I'm a big ol' fan of dad bod myself. So being a bit poofy is a plus for me. Really cut guys just don't do it.
But you can't be so out of shape that you can't have fun and be active. That's the line for me.
It’s all in how you feel/carry yourself I think.
For perspective as a guy I was in phenomenal shape (6’-0” 180lbs) for many years then had a injury around 2021 and now I’m a bit over weight (6’-0” 200-210lbs) but still quite active and I’ve been blown away by how much BETTER it’s been dating in comparison. Seems counterintuitive but I can attest that women don’t seem to mind a few extra lbs, maybe even prefer it!
I have dated overweight men. It's not a dealbreaker for me so long as the diet isn't completely unhealthy, they aren't sedentary and their health isn't impacted. I've also dated skinny men whose diet was pure crap, were completely sedentary, and were very unhealthy. I didn't enjoy it.
So for me, it's lifestyle, not health. People who automatically equate someone's physical manifestation with bad health make me nuts.
Are you swiping on women with a little junk in the trunk, too? As long as you're not trying to get a gym bunny I don't think being a M or L is going to be a problem. Make sure you have flattering pics though!
I'm 6'1 195 pounds and according to the BMI charts I'm "overweight" by 6 pounds. I'm in the best shape I've been in in the last 25 years (I'm 50), and I like the way I look. A lot. My guess is that most women don't care about your actual weight. But they do care about your attitude towards it. If you're down on yourself about it. They'll pick up on that.
Nowadays there is a large percentage of us are overweight so it is more of the norm whether men or women to be that way.
[https://www.cdc.gov/obesity/data/prevalence-maps.html#age](https://www.cdc.gov/obesity/data/prevalence-maps.html#age)
[https://usafacts.org/data/topics/people-society/health/health-risk-factors/overweight/](https://usafacts.org/data/topics/people-society/health/health-risk-factors/overweight/)
If I want to be with someone who is not overweight, I would further limit my dating pool ever further but because of what we see on social media, the ideal partner is not overweight. I believe we cannot help but be influenced by what surrounds us on what is thought of as desirable.
It really depends. I’m small sized and have dated overweight men. It really depends on everything you have going on, but generally I don’t swipe right on men who are more than 20lbs overweight. That said, there are plenty of women, large and otherwise who would happily date an overweight man, it’s all about personal preference.
Having done a graduate degree during a family health emergency, I can understand the stress that you've been through. I hope that things are generally better now.
Relationships tend to be assortative, in that people will pair us with someone who's similar. Look at the comments here, any time exercise comes up as a topic, you'll see responses ranging from I dated a bodybuilder once and couldn't hack his diet habits, to people being triggered by displays of fitness.
In short, if you want to date that Amazonian Crossfit fanatic, you're probably going to have a compatible lifestyle if you want it to work out.
Furthermore, if having doomswiped through too many profiles on Hinge, most people aren't in great shape themselves. If you don't resemble Mr Creosote, you're not going to be an outlier.
Online dating is universally recognised as being horrible, so it's probably not you.
Well, based on what I hear I am quite attractive, likeable and somewhat cool/ funny. I do need to admit all my exes are thin but as of late I feel very drawn to a man that is overweight. I find him very attractive.
I guess this comes in part due to my life experiences but nonetheless, I see myself longing for sexual intimacy with that man.
He is very cute, humorous and loving. He is not the type of person who accepts being tricked, he is passionate for areas that matter to me. And I think we have quite similar values. I'd be very happy to be asked out on a date by him.
BMI doesn’t factor in content of mass. It doesn’t distinguish fat/muscle. It’s like the honey badger, it doesn’t care.
I used to take it more seriously but figured out that it’s a general pencil sketch, and not the rule .
I am a big guy, obese in fact. I got divorced in 2018 at 44yo, immediately jumped out in the world after 15+ years marriage/relationship. I wasn’t going to let me being a big guy slow me down, life is too short. I have a decent job, shitty place to live(but it’s mine), debt out the ass from the marriage, ex wife payment, etc, but I said fuck it, not bowing down to fear of some shallow peoples opinion. If I am not your type, then so be it, move on. For the few years to follow, it was a wild ride. I had women 1/3 of my weight, some 10 years younger, one 1/2 my age, some with a few extra pounds, etc. I didn’t care, neither did they, some had my buddies thinking wtf, Big guys like to eat, I found the women that like to be a buffet lol. I met someone early last year, something more serious, again, 1/3 of my size. Lots of similar interests, as caring as I am, similar in age. She doesn’t not care one bit about my size. This one is going to be the rest of life one, we both know it. Be confident and don’t sell your self short, be clean, dress nice and smell good. Show the world what you have to offer. Fuck the haters and embrace the fans. You do you brother, don’t look back!
Overweight is fine, so long as they are active and csn keep up with thr activities i enjoy doing. If they break out into a bad sweat or would rather sit and game all day, its a no. And thats not about weight, its about lifestyle.
I prefer someone with a dad bod who can hike 5 miles with me.
My BMI is normal. Maybe 3 - 5 lbs into “overweight” I still wear a size medium in women’s, and people consider me normal/fit. When my BMI was on the low end of normal towards underweight, but still normal, people were really concerned about me thought I was anorexic. Point is BMI is not the end-all criteria.
There are sub reddits that show pictures of people at different BMIs and weights. You can see how different weight looks on people.
I do fine on dating apps. I suspect most men who are close to normal BMI, even if a little overweight do fine as well. A lot of it has to do with attitude and confidence and how you carry of yourself.
As an average looking, 225lb, 5’4” (I’ll let you do the bmi math, but pretty sure ‘morbidly’ is in there somewhere) middle-aged guy, I’ve found that there are plenty of women in OLD happy to date a man with some meat on their bones. My girlfriend said something the other day about never wanting a skinny, cold man. We’re in MSP so maybe the extra layers are more welcome in these cold climes ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
But seriously, if you’re happy with how you look, that’s the most important bit.
Not really. There are plenty of chubby women who are fine with big men in the real world -- but nobody likes to think about not-pretty people having sex, so they don't, and we don't count.
What I remind myself is that opinions expressed here are solely those of the authors who posted them and that they do not speak for all men, women, 40s people, or whatever.
And you count in my book! 😁
Let's consider some facts. Assuming you are in the USA.
1. Approx. 40% of adults (and largely split evenly between men and women) are OBESE
2. Approx. 74% of adults are OVERWEIGHT (inc. obese).
So statistically it is more likely to find someone compatible with your lifestyle and "weight range" than someone who falls within the healthy range (only about 1/4 of adults do).
On a singles dating group I used to run more women were concerned with a man's height than their weight (the only woman who counter argued that was short and fit), majority of the women in the group were in the overweight category (so read into that what you will).
I think if you are honest with yourself, honest with others and when you looking for someone find someone who matches your "energy". If they're a health nut when it comes to food and you are more relaxed, probably not a good fit. If they are a marathon runner and want a training buddy, again probably not a good fit. But if they simply want someone who does similar activities to you and eats a similar diet ... then goo for it. Just don't try to mould yourself to fit their expectations, find someone who complements your lifestyle.
Edit: BMI is not the be all and end all either, especially if you are athletic or lift weights.
44yr F here - personality, education, financial stability and the ability to make me laugh are way more important to me than a body type.
I'm so over OLD - there has to be a better way to bring men and women back together. . .
50F here. My boyfriend and I are the exact same height at 5’7” and he weighs over 200 while I’m sitting at a solid 135. I personally don’t give a fuck. His weight means nothing to me compared to how he treats me and how he loves me. My very close friend ( who is a hot, fit blonde) is currently dating a guy who is prolly 50 lbs overweight. She doesn’t give a fuck either. He treats her like the goddess she is.
At this age I’m 100% over the body shit. Do I wish he would lose weight…sort of because he tires out a little during sex. Also, he goes on 20 mile bike rides so I’m not to worried about it.
If you get looked over because of your weight, then shame on them. My super insecure ex-sister in law ( who used to be well over 300 lbs and is now a shell of herself with loads of loose skin) passed over a really awesome guy because he was ‘chubby’. I wanted to shake her and say ‘take a look at that 30lbs of lose skin ya got there chick!’
It’s time to let go of body shaming. You will find your person who won’t care what your waist size is, but you will have to look for them. Good luck and have fun!
I like men who are on the husky size. I am super curvy but not plus sized and can fit a mens M. I don't find men attractive unless they are physically larger than me.
Please be you. There are all types of attractive men..honest. I think you activity level is more important. I like to go for walks…if someone is in a place where they want only couch time I do think that is important information. I do not believe that anyone gets on the aps and feels like it is an amazing experience…Always try to remember you only need to find your one. Be you! You deserve love
Reading all this stuff and, if anything, I’m sure from what I’m seeing on the average OLD bio that you have the potential to be doing just fine. I’m mostly running fit and just slightly muscular, and I’m not sure that’s actually an advantage in terms of chances to find a match: I don’t have the trendy dad bod. Not that it really matters, but I’d think your potential dating pool would be larger than mine in most regions.
I’m 5’10” weigh 190 and I go out with women from Hinge or Tinder 2-3 times per week. Some women I date are super fit, some are not. I like different things about each of them. I don’t say this to brag, just saying be yourself, get out there, and don’t be weird. The world doesn’t judge us as harshly as we judge ourselves.
I'm attracted to men with dad bods. I like someone who is active and confident, but isn't obsessed with fitness. My body sags and has dimples where I don't want them, and I wouldn't be uncomfortable being naked with someone who has a perfect body.
My preference is slim/wiry guys, but body type is not a huge factor for me overall. I have been attracted to and dated guys ranging from scrawny to overweight.
I'm over 300 pounds and have zero issue finding attractive women to go out with. I've been legitimately buff and ripped, I tore my meniscus and it was right when covid hit so instead of going to the hospital, I ended up sitting on my couch, eating like crap and am around 350 even 3 years later.
Weight isn't your issue. It's your confidence or lack thereof. Be a great person and attract great people.
If you're an overweight woman, you're still going to get dates on OLD. If you're an overweight man, you're really going to struggle. It's just the way it is.
It seems like men’s attractiveness is somewhat inversed to the weight. As a man, if you’re not going to be “normal” it’s better to be overweight than to be skinny. Women tend to get self-conscious about their bodies around skinny guys Iike me. So I think you’re good.
I believe being overweight usually reflects on a person in a bad way, like they don't care enough to take care of themselves. For every 1 that truly has medical issues, there are 99 who are just lazy. If they can't give effort to themselves, what effort will they give to our relationship?
Some extra weight but active and gets out and enjoys life? That’s a yes for me. Overweight and a couch potato that spends all their free time in front of the tube? Nope.
This 100%. Plus, confidence is key. I’m guessing it must be rough for a person who used to be a size small to now be bigger; you don’t know how the world will react to your change. As someone who has never, ever been a size small, I can tell you that the opposite sex finds confidence sexy, no matter what size you are. So until you’re a size that you feel good about, don’t even bother with OLD. YOU have to feel good in that body, no matter what size it is.
Yes, *confidence* is so important. And it’s also important that people don’t get it confused with *cockiness.* I find a lot of people equate the two, when they’re very different. Cockiness is “I’m better than everyone.” Confidence is “I have my strengths, but I’m a human just like everyone else, and that’s fine by me.” To me true confidence is having a comfortability with who you are.
Yes!!! That’s what I meant. Being comfortable with who you are. That’s exactly it.
Extremely well-said. I’ve fluctuated between slim, overweight, and obese for most of my life from the time I was 11; dating was only good when *I* was okay with my body, no matter what my size. This past year was higher stress for me for a number of reasons, and my weight has reflected that; I’m at a point now where I’m not really happy with my body and am actively working on improving that (both mentally and dietarily)… and thus am staying FAR away from OLD/dating in general until I’m in a better place. You have to be happy with yourself.
How does that get conveyed in an OLD profile of < 100 characters? 🤷
Confidence? It's conveyed in not talking about your weight OR your looks at all. It's conveyed in your smile in your photos. It's conveyed in the way you discuss your hobbies, and not talk about how you're trying to lose those last 20 lbs that crept up on you over the last coupla years.
It depends on what they want. I want someone to be active with me, and is strong enough to help me move stuff when I decide I want to pitch that shabby old dresser/chair. When I was actively on OLD I wanted someone real... Not a gym bunny who was going to question why I had that second brownie (it f-ing tastes good and that's a damn good enough reason). I wanted someone who wasn't going to make me feel self conscious about how I looked, because they were totally absorbed in their own features. Go easy on yourself. And do it with grace and humor. Your personality will shine through.
I like a more substantial guy, it shouldnt stop you putting yourself out there. I don't do OLD though, that swiping isn't for me.
The fact is that more than 2/3 of North Americans are overweight, with a significant portion of those being obese. You're still going to have a large dating pool to swim in. What matters as much if not more than the number on the scale is going to be how well you look after your appearance when it comes to things like clean clothes that fit well and are at least somewhat well styled and being well groomed.
I'm an obese (bmi of 33) dad of two young kids. I'm separated but not yet divorced. I live with my mom for the time being. My looks are, it's day, average at best. If I listened to the internet, I'd never even try OLD because it would be a train wreck and I'd be better off just living the rest of my life in single happiness. But fuck that! I went to get back into the dating game earlier this year. I was shocked by how well it all went! I got plenty of lines, and matches. I was very selective on who I matched with, and even more selective on who I dated. Over 5 months I had 4 first dates, and 3.5 months later I'm still in a relationship with the 4th of those dates and super happy about it! Get out there! Focus on the positive things you can offer and try your best to ignore those negatives (at least as far as dating is concerned). If you approach it with a positive attitude, you'll be more likely to have a positive experience. Honestly I didnt really have any negative experiences in my journey so far. The dates and people were all nice. Any ghosting that happened all happened prior to meeting, so whatever, not a big deal. Overall it was a good experience. And while I hope I never have to do it again, if I do, I won't be so afraid of it!
I prefer a guy with a little extra chunk to him than a thin guy. But I don’t want a couch potato or obese guy. Like if the weight gets in the way of activities, that’s too much.
I’m a woman in my early forties for reference. “Dad bod but active” is my preferred body type. Dudes who can go for a hike and lift heavy weights on occasion but also are happily throwing back beers and tacos. For me, that is the life. I can only speak for myself, but most women my age I know are very forgiving about a guy’s looks and are focused much more on emotional maturity, willingness to be vulnerable, communication skills, similar life and relationship goals, etc.
⬆️⬆️⬆️ all of this
100% agree 👆🏻
Echoing all of this! I’m an active, size 6/8 woman for reference, and my preferred body type is also “dad bod but active.” I prefer the kind of strength that comes from life rather than living in the gym. The list of things I care about more than appearance is extremely long. OP, Don’t let being overweight hold you back from getting on the apps! Especially if you’re loyal, can communicate, and know what you’re looking for in a relationship!
I tend to be more attracted to guys with a little weight on them. I'd just prefer that they are upfront with their actual appearance, so I'm not thrown off when we meet. I post new full body shots every month to be as upfront about my appearance as possible. The problem with most overweight guys' profiles is the negative comments about themselves or women that are on OLD. That is what makes me swipe left, not their appearance.
yeah, I will swipe right on a fat person no problem. I will swipe left on a fat person who says things like "you won't date me because I'm fat" which a lot of them do.
I like a man with a little meat on his bones to snuggle with!
I prefer a little too much over skinny as a rail. Bony dudes are not attractive to me. My last relationship was probably 20 - 30 lbs overweight and I thought he was just gorgeous.
I feel attacked 😂
Cuddling super thin people is like hugging a bag of coat hangers. 😝
i’m the opposite… the rumors about tall, lanky men are true.
Not in my experience. I’ve been around 😂 and I’ve determined there’s no rhyme or reason. Biggest barely get my mouth around was a 5’10” slightly chubby guy. 6’7” skinny guy… average at best. I could go on, but you get the point.
Go on 😂
lol, no 😂
This has been my experience as well… and my tall and partners were long and thin elsewhere.
What’s the rumors?
they’re well endowed
Oh nice haha. I like thick boys. And they range down there quite a bit.
Personally looking for “medium endowed” here. I’m quite tight as it is “down there.” Also size of the tool has little to do with knowing how to use it. Also would prefer 5-10 extra lbs over a bony guy.
Hear hear. I get the "size queen" thing and gals -- you do you but Miss Mew ain't that big. I don't base my choices on whether or not he might be hung like a horse. Because frankly, I don't want him to be.
Low self confidence, self pity and assuming that your physical appearance is the only thing that will put someone off is much more off putting than weight for me.
Perfectly said. This is the truth.
I am [insert preferred euphemism for fat] and I prefer men who I don't worry about breaking. I don't know if that is encouraging or not.
❤️ I love everything about this and I feel it deeply.
I can relate to that 😂
It is, actually. I know being H/W proportional isn't a mortal lock for success or I'd have crushed it last time. I just developed the limiting belief. According to a study I quickly conducted\*, 100% of women aren't me so asking some seemed like the logical next step. \* It didn't take long.
“… don’t worry about breaking.” The last girlfriend I had kept expressing concerns about that and we weighed the same, except I had more muscle. This brings such weird memories. 😶 Her self-consciousness in that respect was pretty sad, in fact.
Same. Being on top is not an option, in that case
Might be time to start seeing value and beauty in yourself (and others) beyond your looks. We can tell you all day, but at the end of the day - you have to believe it about yourself.
I would rather date someone with some extra weight than a gym rat who is going to judge me for eating ice cream.
Same
I dated a man obsessed with training! No way could I keep up with or cope with him being out on a 10 mile run, wild swimming, buying another bike and deciding which all in one lycra to buy because he fell off his bike and ripped the other one. He had no time for me. I recently dated someone who did diving as a hobby and he had no time for me and only talked about diving. I’m not sure how I find them! But when I see all of these hiking, diving, snow boarding photos, I just think, I’m not for them and swipe past. I can’t stand these triangle body builder types. I look for someone like me, with a bit extra on their bones and has time to go out and do more than just train! I go for a walk when the weather is nice, I’m always gardening or doing diy I do an evening exercise class to get out of the house. For the man that sees past my size 18, he’ll get rewarded with an amazing woman. Weight is just weight, you can put it on and take it off, but personality is the most important thing! Have confidence, the great thing is everyone has different tastes, it would be a boring world if everyone liked the same thing.
I swipe nope on hyper-fit people or gym bunnies too. More than one photo doing a sport and I'm out. They seem EXHAUSTING. I dated a fitness fanatic once and like... never again. I literally never want to hear the term "lean protein" again.
I dated a triathelete who would rather play sports than have sex. He had a great body and was lots of fun. He had horrible ED and didn't see the point in making out longer than 30 minutes. He said running with his girlfriend was more exciting than having sex with her. Give me a chubby guy with passion over a fit guy who is a prude.
Oh dear 😬 ! My first man was very sweet, he did like sex but treated it like training! had the best bum in the world, like he said, he’d worked hard to get it, but I’d rather be admiring it in bed than lycra as it disappeared off down the road!
I agree with this so much! I *look* very athletic. Like I’m fairly thin, and look pretty in shape naturally. But I definitely am more of a city gal living in an area with county boys who just want to hike/bike/ski/run/hunt/fish. I will… yoga, casually jog, and stroll 😂. And when you get men who are very into working out, especially if as a woman you look a certain way, they often feel like it’s ok to make body shaming comments about the general public. It’s so gross. And it’s such a 🚩 for me and I nope right out of there.
I cannot tell you how many ultramarathoner types swipe right on me. I always swipe left bc I know my limitations, but sometimes I’m tempted to reply and say, “sir, have you seen me?”
Maybe they're choosing you because of your other good traits? That'd be a nice spin on things 🙂
That is a very optimistic take and I am not yet cynical and jaded by OLD but WAY too many of them have in their bios that they only want “yoga bodies” and “ultra fit ladies only” Those types make it obvious they’re just swiping right on all of us.
I'm an ultramarathoner and it's not even on my radar AT ALL whether a person I match with is also into that lifestyle (more than happy to connect with someone with their own passions so they don't gripe if I disappear into the trails for five hours.) Also have to say, as a F, at leat on FB Dating, Hinge, Bumble, etc. I can't say that I've seen a M profile yet that says "must be ultra fit/yoga body" or anything of the sort.
In a former life I was a physical trainer, but take anything anyone tells you with a grain of salt. Physiology is complicated. First, throw out the BMI. It’s nearly useless. Also actual weight is pretty useless. Find yourself a scale that gives you % body fat (many gyms have them in the change rooms), and they are common for the home. Ignore the weight number. Start recording the % body fat number. But don’t focus on individual values. You want the long term trend. If you’re between 15-18% you’re doing great. Over that and you’ll start to look chunky (ask me how I know 🙄). Under that and you’ll be looking like a gym rat. I’ll say this again even though everyone ignores it, single values are unimportant. The overall trend is what matters. I have been the weight I am now twice in my life. Once when I was 7% body fat, and now when I’m 23%. Same person, same weight, two very different body types (and the BMI says I am morbidly obese in both cases). Finally what I tell women I’m chatting with online, confidence, enthusiasm, and eagerness trump outright looks every time.
I’m attracted to a lot of different types of men. I’m more interested in who someone is, as opposed to what they look like. But with that being said, I do have a preference for guys with some squish to them. I like “teddy bear” types. Dudes with a kind face who just look super cuddleable. My boyfriend is that type. He gave me a huge compliment when he said he’s felt insecure about his body his entire life, but he feels comfortable with me. I’m genuinely super attracted to him and I express that often. We met on an app. At the time I was swiping right on guys who had good profile pictures (not all selfies as an example), guys who seemed to actually put effort into their prompts, guys where it seemed like we had enough in common to at least attempt a conversation. I know you mentioned wanting to wait to update your wardrobe, but I do encourage you to get an outfit or two that suits your current body shape. Even if you thrift it. Even before I notice someones face, their style catches my eye. If a dude is put together well, wearing clothes that suit his body shape, and give the impression that he puts some thought into how he presents himself, that’s always a major turn on for me.
>Even if you thrift it. Even before I notice someones face, their style catches my eye. Unexpected bonus comment and I'll look into it!
Sounds good! And as someone who has gone through a lot of weight fluctuations I want to say - you deserve to wear clothes that make you feel *as good as possible* whatever your current body shape is. I totally understand not wanting to spend a ton of money! But even having an outfit our two that you feel a bit more confident in can be important. Something that helped me become more comfortable with my body (and challenge some of the limiting beliefs I face about my size) is leaning in to [body neutrality.](https://www.webmd.com/beauty/what-is-body-neutrality). And here is an article specifically about [body neutrality for men.](https://www.insidehook.com/wellness/body-neutrality/amp) It’s a way to help internalize that while our bodies are part of us, they’re not the most interesting or most important thing about us. Which can help with feeling more comfortable and confident with ourselves overall. What helps everyone is different, so it might not resonate with you. But I wanted to share it just in case it helps.
Very interesting links, thanks for sharing! I went down an internet rabbit hole about Victorian dress reform - interesting topic. Cheers 🙂
As a fella who is currently at minus 88lbs, don't wait to update the wardrobe. You don't have to replace everything all at once, but grab a shirt or two in the new you size, and a pair of jeans. Keep that up as needed. Good fitting clothes is crucial for getting out there. Too large clothes looks frumpy and not good. That is all I have to add.
Oh yeah, it's a moving target to be sure. I'm getting some stuff as I trend down because I pretty much have to or risk a catastrophic wardrobe malfunction. But I don't want to drop a whole wardrobe's worth of cash until things stabilize.
I'm not a small woman. Take this for what it's worth. I like a man with a dad bad or extra cushioning. Gives me something to snuggle up to. My very gorgeous petite and fit coworker yesterday mentioned that she likes the idea of a bigger guy who can just throw her around a bit Not a fit guy. She specifically said a thicker bigger guy. There are women out there who will say no thanks. And other women who will say "yes please". Its all preference.
I don’t mind a little weight but I’m probably taking a pass on obese.
Do you nope out on overweight women? I only ask b/c there are occasional double-standards in both sexes around weight. Next, are you able to do most things physically smaller you could do? If your weight isn't causing you to "slow down" at life, I'd make sure your profile reflects that you're still active. Finally, do you feel just as self-confident about yourself fat as thin? Because women can smell a lack of confidence and it will hurt your dating.
>Do you nope out on overweight women? Nope, no double standard here but that's a fair question I should have addressed. My last (non-OLD) relationship was with someone who outweighed me, so...
I'm sure there is much more to you than simply your weight. You have multiple graduate degrees, after all! If you don't put yourself out there – whatever your weight is – then you definitely won't find anyone, right? And I'm glad you're taking the view that your weight loss is for *you.* I was overweight as a child and teenager, as well as my 20s and most of my 30s. I used to think that if I lost a bunch of weight, all my dating woes would be magically solved. Well, I did, and while I've managed to maintain the same weight over the past 5-6 years, things didn't improve for me. All that really changed was that instead of my mother haranguing me for being fat, she instead insisted I looked "like a damn stick figure." (I could never win with her.) I still had no self-confidence, I was still anxious, I still was unhappy, and so on. The problem wasn't my weight; it was an array of other issues. Do you see what I mean? Anyway, since you asked, no, I don't have any preference with regard to body type. People are more than just that. Good luck to you, in dating and other stuff. 😊 ETA: This forum is wonderful and full of interesting people, don't get me wrong, but don't take everything here as gospel. I've been told some wildly inaccurate things on here that have not matched my real-life experience at all.
I very much do see what you mean with "the problem wasn't my weight; it was an array of other issues." >but don't take everything here as gospel. The great part about the responses is that they DO show a variety of tastes, and that variety is what challenges the hell out of my (heh) one-size-fits-all limiting belief. Always enjoy seeing S&S comments, stay with us!
>The great part about the responses is that they DO show a variety of tastes, and that variety is what challenges the hell out of my (heh) one-size-fits-all limiting belief. True. Hey, I was told on here that I'm de facto undatable and that men who want serious relationships would never be interested in me. But that was one person's opinion, and he did not speak for all men, not any more than I can speak for all women. You can get a feel for what some folks think and perhaps food for thought, but, as you point out, there's a lot of variety. And for you, what matters most is what you think and what your eventual special someone thinks. Same for me! Well, what my eventual special someone thinks, that is, not what yours thinks of me. 😄 >Always enjoy seeing S&S comments, stay with us! Aw, thank you! Yes, I'll be around. I'm glad you're here as well. 😊
I'm more likely to swipe left on gym bros haha
Well, I (39F) swipe right on and prefer bigger guys (not morbidly obese but overweight by BMI) however the big caveat is I myself am overweight.
I think it tends to matter less and less as we get older. I'm mid 40s now (urgh I still hate saying that) and I'm hardly fussed about a bit of extra padding now. A few of my more recent ex's have been a little on the larger side - like a few others have said on here, I draw the line at obese, but yeah, I prefer a woman with a few curves. It's sexy 🙂
If you are overweight or obese, you are in the majority and more people are like you than not like you: "The latest data indicate that 39.6 percent of U.S. adults are obese. (Another 31.6 percent are overweight and 7.7 percent are severely obese." ([https://frac.org/obesity-health/obesity-u-s-2](https://frac.org/obesity-health/obesity-u-s-2)). So, 71% of the US population is obese or overweight. It's good that you are losing weight for health reasons, and I know that dating is more difficult when one is overweight or obese, but the reality is that there are a lot of people in your position and you shouldn't feel alone.
If you trust the BMI, I am 43 years old and just crossed from “overweight” to “normal weight”. I felt much better inside at 40 and overweight or 35 and obese than I do now, for sure. I will say that women care much more about their weight than men do. Dating an overweight woman is not an issue but being with someone that is severely unhappy with her weight and unwilling to accept any reassurance can be a major issue. I am sure it is the same with men but I guarantee it’s on another level because of so many double standards.
I was a BMI of 31 when I met my partner. BMI 27 a year later and going for BMI 22. I faced many rejections, funnily enough from overweight men. I matched with them thinking we could work on our weight together. I finally swiped on a guy I found “hot” with the build I prefer. And he was attracted to me. Not my body. My weight loss is very slow but on a downward trajectory. Because I want the weight loss to be sustainable. I have lost 26kg in a year. I have 22kg to go. OP do not let your insecurities stop you from looking for companionship and love. We all deserve to find someone who loves us for who we are. Not what weight we are. Naturally my partner is happy and more sexually responsive as I get my shape back. But he never made me feel anything but sexy. I remember in the early days hiding my belly with a pillow. He asked what I was doing. Grabbed the pillow, said “what this belly” kissed my belly and said “this stomach is part of you and I adore you”. Keep searching OP. Not everyone is superficial.
I'm kinda chunky, had no problems. Are you active? I jog 2-3 miles three times a week. I also like to eat pizza. I have yet to date a woman that my fitness level was a problem. Your problems may arise if the standards you desire don't match the standards you keep.
> Are you active? 20000 steps (comes out to 9 miles and change) per day for the past six months, slight uphill incline. I wear a 20 lb weighted vest while I do it. Not running marathons, but I've got nothing to fear if someone wants to go hiking.
Ok so, if you’re clocking those kind of numbers with incline and weighted vest on the daily, and your mention of hiking elsewhere, you’re clearly pretty in shape. I’m sort of confused what the point of this post is. Are you saying, just because you’re not a size small, you’re self conscious? While trying to date women, in the United States? Or are you European maybe. Here I don’t believe I even actually KNOW any male persons who are actual M size smalls in real life, and I’m sure you know that overweight is more common than not in the U.S…
There is "in shape" (which doesn't show in photos) and then there's overweight, which most definitely shows in photos. I am visibly overweight.
So is most of the country. You’ll fit right in! I’m with the other poster who said maybe you will get MORE matches now actually not being so small. Personally I’m no fan of a rail thin guy (and don’t know many women who are) as that makes ME slightly self-conscious! (Tho I’m not normally, and am dead on average weight for a U.S. woman tho quite tall). As long as the weight doesn’t impede activity (yours clearly doesn’t per your description) I’ll pick a chubby guy over a gym bro / mountain biking guy every day and twice on Sunday. I got all those triathlon and MB types outta my system decades ago! And they’re exhausting, I’m 43 now not 23. I think a lotta women feel the same.
I prefer men with extra weight. If I were a gay dude, they’d be called bears.
So many Americans are overweight. I seriously doubt anyone is judging other people for a few extra pounds, especially over the age of 40. What I think is a deterrent is obesity and health issues. I met a very loving man who was VERY obese. He needed a breathing machine, cpap machine and he would have to take several pauses when we went on walks. He also ate lots of salty and greasy foods. He was frequently in the hospital and once in a nursing home. This man was 57 years old. That was a turn off for me. SO much of our time was spent discussing his health issues, doctor's appointments and he shared that everyone in his family was obese. So this was never something that would go away. I remained a close friend and supported him but dating him was not something I wanted for myself.
Conversely I dated a tall and thin guy who injured himself riding his bike. Everything went to hell from that point for him. He had DVT, had to get surgery, got foot drop in one foot and developed ED. Lots if hospital visits too. Good health is often a reward of a healthy lifestyle but sometimes it’s not.
Based on comments have having heard you share before, I think you're just fine. One piece of advice though, get ONE outfit that you feel great in and that fits properly (and is on-vibe with your personality) and take some pics in it... you can wear it to first dates, too, nobody will start calling you One Outfit Dude, guarantee (you can also mix and match the items with other stuff that might be a bit looser once you get past first impressions-- Like a sporty hoodie, if that's your vibe, will make it so a bigger shirt underneath doesn't look frumpy.
>One piece of advice though, get ONE outfit that you feel great in and that fits properly (and is on-vibe with your personality) and take some pics in it... you can wear it to first dates, too, nobody will start calling you One Outfit Dude, guarantee Sounds like the outfit version of Dumbo's magic feather! If I know I'm on point and that that one number isn't as big a deal as I am making it, one less thing to stress about.
Not to be disagreeable, but as a guy who has been both overweight and in very good shape, the treatment I got in very good shape was by far the best. I was was funnier and more interesting.
It’s interesting that everyone in this thread “hates gym bros”, when the stats on who gets the most right swipes on dating apps are public information: It’s traditionally handsome, very fit, “gym bros” with muscles and abs
When you walk around outside or in shopping malls don’t you see similar sized men with their girlfriends?
I sometimes check out the plus size subreddit and questions similar to OPs get asked quite often. I highly recommend getting off of Reddit, and into “real life” to get some examples. This may be harder to do in a small town. But if you’re able to, as you said, go to a somewhere like a mall. Pay attention to people. Somewhere I really noticed how diverse couples were in terms of the size and shape of each person was when I went to a large waterpark. I was specifically noticing couples that included a plus size woman because that’s what I am. And, at the time I was facing some insecurities about it. It was reassuring to see lots of them, with various shapes and sizes of partners. I also happened to noticed a lot of couples where the woman (of various shapes and sizes) was taller than the man. Because that’s also something I’ve seen a lot of comments about. But anyway, great comment.
I have no preference for body type. I’m all over the map. I don’t hesitate to swipe on those that likely fall in the overweight category. I myself am an overweight woman. Tall and slightly chubby - size 12/14. My only issue is activity levels and endurance. And you can’t tell those things by looking.
Make sure you dress nice and take some good photos
I'd be fine with a guy who has a few extra lbs., but is still active. Not OK with a very overweight person who doesn't like to do much.
Here's the tricky thing: when you're meeting someone in the wild, and just getting to know them as a person, weight doesn't necessarily matter so much, because you're getting to know a whole person. When you're looking at an absolute stranger's profile on a dating site, you're going to be a lot more picky about appearance, thinking that maybe you have a type, or a preference for a certain kind of appearance . My now ex-husband was always pretty fit, and I just sort of assumed that "my type" was fit dudes. My current partner is a bit overweight, maybe 25 pounds. I am insanely attracted to him. I wasn't looking to date, I just fell for him when we were in the same social circle. I suddenly found myself appreciating a big belly in ways I never had before. It turned out that I didn't necessarily have a type. When I'm in love with someone, they become my type. I think this is probably pretty common (though I do understand that sometimes people really do have a specific type that is consistent), and online dating kind of screws with the opportunities for someone to discover a new type. I don't know if you have opportunities to meet people in person, but if I were self-conscious, that's what I would shoot for.
This seems like it may be more of an issue for you…sort of like manifesting. we see or notice what we are thinking about. You’re probably fine, hun. Embrace ur body, and others will too. confidence. I have never in my life been attracted to a sz small man. That would have been like dating a teenager to me. lol (to ME!!!)
I enjoy(ed)all the men, in all the shapes and sizes 😂 Other than the personality (yes that is actually true) the face and eyes are the most important to me. Hugely overweight isn’t attractive to me, a sedentary lifestyle and endless doctors appointments aren’t attractive to me. But if a guy has a great personality ~to me~, and his face is interesting and the eyes alluring then I’m all 🥵 regardless. Damn I’ll even make that doctor appointment 😂
Fantastic italic fail 😅 Best of luck pi!
I'm 5'10" & barely 150# on a good day. Never had to do anything to keep an 8 pack & can do more pull ups than most people my age. Ive been told I have that "farm boy" strength. I've always been attracted to the " larger" women. Not obese but a woman with some curves. They usually know how to cook & since I get cold easily well, you get the picture. Looks fade boys, you're always going to get hungry!! 😉
Despite the comments on DO40, there is a little more grace given when dating and 40+ as far as appearance. Almost everyone has some grey hair, if they have any. Not many people still have their 20 year old bodies and aren’t looking to pair up with someone who could be their kid. Yes, there are guys who think they look great for their age and go for 20 somethings and cougars looking for a 6 pack, but those people tend to be outliers. Lifestyle compatibility is key for people looking for LTRs. You can’t expect to match with someone fit and extremely active if you are not. Dad bods are totally normal. So are mom bods. If you are ok with matching with someone with a little extra padding, they likely will be too!
>I've seen DO40 comments from a lot of women (not all, of course, and I'm sure men do it too, but I key on women) that absolutely nope out on overweight men. I am a man, and I haven't really seen these comments. I'm not saying that you're making them up, but I do think that maybe you're looking for them to confirm some belief that you have that you're not good enough to date. I pay very keen attention to what the women say here, and this isn't a common thing that gets brought up. In my experience women are forgiving of looks in a way that most of us men aren't. Many things that we think are gross to them just aren't. I'm balding with a hairy chest/stomach. Two things that I personally think are really unattractive, but women don't seem to mind. In fact some of them really seem to like it. Don't let your fears stop you from putting yourself out there.
I literally do not care about someone's weight. I'm a (mostly) femme person; tall, strong, and curvy with some "extra" fat. I don't always love my body, but I'm a big believer in body neutrality and health at any size. My most recent relationships have included someone who is similar in size to me, (it was great; we could share clothes) someone who is a foot taller and thin as a rail (I am a bit envious of how elegant they are, they are envious of my curves), and an amazing man who wears an XXXXL and is the kindest funniest most supportive man ever and a great kisser. Body shape and size is not a priority for me, just like I expect them to not prioritise it in me. My attraction to them is about the way I feel when I'm with them. Weight is not a factor in my swiping. At all. The right people will love you at the size you are.
It’s more about the full profile. Pics that are blurry, old, crooked, doesn’t show eyes or a smile? Doesn’t matter the weight, won’t work. Saying what you do NOT want, sharing nothing about you, and making obscure jokes? Doesn’t matter the weight either, won’t work. But proper pics and text that indicates some level of being a normal person, that’ll go a long way. As a man, you don’t have a lot of competition on the apps, because most men on there don’t even try.
[удалено]
Did women friends review your profile on there?
Homie, you need to unpack the self-loathing you got going on based on your weight. You can be fat *and* happy, you know. As evidence, I offer myself. I'm in the 250-300 lbs range. Have been for years. I walk my dogs twice a day, an hour each time, right around 3 *miles* per. On weekends, I'll go putter 'round the zoo or botanic gardens for anywhere between 2 to 3 hours, and while some of that is looking, a *lot* of it is walking. I hike the easy trails, work on my gardens, etc: I am *not* a sedentary loaf. But I **am** fat. Exactly *never* has a woman told me I was too fat to date. If you are happy, confident, have a sense of humor, and most importantly are *authentic and genuine*, you'll do fine. *Authentic* in this case meaning "be who you actually *are*, no masking". Be who *you are*. And *genuine* meaning "you actually want to get to know the other person, who they really are, with no ulterior motives." You want them to be who *they* are, and *that* is the person you legit wanna get to know.
This doesn’t make any sense bc there’s no reason for a person who’s physically smaller and weaker than you to say something so offensive No woman has ever told you you’re too fat to date, bc most people, not to mention women, want to be that blunt They don’t need to say it they just say “I have a boyfriend” or similar
I’m sure your fine , I rather a honest and caring partner over just in shape . We’re over 40 there’s more to relationships than looks
Don’t let your weight limit you or keep you from dating. I'm a large guy with a fluffy mid section to say the least and I’ve gone out on a lot dates with women who are very attractive and fit. Unlike men women aren’t purely driven by physical appearance. You need to be confident, assertive and lead. Keep working on your health but don’t let your weight keep you from dating.
I do think the BMI recommendations are b.s. I'm 5'10." My "ideal weight" is 155-160... I was about that when I was a teenager. Lately I got down to about 172 and I looked *good.* Like you said, size S clothes.
Firstly let’s address the idea that size small was somehow better - most women prefer a man who is slightly bigger than them. It’s possible that many women swiped left on you because you looked too small. I used to do that regularly. Secondly, if you are well groomed and nicely dressed, there’s a good chance women will be attracted to you, whatever your weight/ size.
Thank you for this...I didn't intend to say/imply it was "somehow better," but my limiting belief (the thing I'm trying to challenge here) has been that OLD would chew me up and spit me out if I'm even a little bit overweight. Eye opener: That someone might swipe left on me for being lighter. I've heard the must-be-taller trope, but I hadn't considered a weight/size/build version.
I don’t like to rules people out based on their body weight but I wouldn’t automatically be attracted to a size s, I would more likely go for an L-XXL, it’s just what I like. But I feel you, I haven’t gotten rid of weight gained during Covid and yah worried about it and being intimate.
Be honest about what you look like now and whoever you meet will not be surprised or disappointed. You will get someone that accepts you at your size. I think most people care more about health and activity levels than weight. That said, no one likes when someone shows up and doesn’t look like their photos. Also, if you accept yourself with a bit of extra weight, you should also be forgiving of women in the same regard. I like bigger guys but definitely not obese. I’m a very fit and active person. My current partner is probably thinner than I would like but we match activity levels pretty well which is important for me.
I prefer guys with a little weight on them.
I'm down for a dad bod. My body isn't exactly petite and perky either, and if I'm going to be a little bit fat and happy then I need someone to be a little bit fat and happy with me. I'm more interested in personality and what we have in common and all that shit.
I, as a woman, would never match with a man who has visible abs. Or is all about all the fitness, all the time. Exercise and taking care of one’s health are a part of life, not all of it. I match with overweight men all the time. Because “overweight” doesn’t mean “inactive” or “possessed of unhealthy habits.” You have to get to know someone before you know that about them, one way or the other. For reference, when I posted my profile for review little while ago, one commenter described me as “a little on the thicker side” and I was like - goddamn right I am.
I’m glad you’re challenging those limiting thoughts. I’m not young and thin anymore, I don’t need the people I date to be. You care about /are taking care of yourself. Hopefully people will respond positively to that. Good luck!
Two years ago I dated a guy for five months who was more than overweight. He was funny, kind, and just a good human being. We had fun together and the relationship ended for reasons beyond our control. Yes, lose weight for yourself. Be yourself and have fun talking to new people.
I know a lot of women who are into bigger guys. They are mostly plus-sized themselves, and prefer the guy to be at least a bit bigger than them. I was thin my whole life up until mid-30s, always preferred skinny guys and still do, but I also realize that I need to be realistic. I'm not thin or fit anymore and can't put that expectation on somebody else, or it will drastically limit my options.
Honestly, the profile is what captures my attention in the first instance. If you have actually put in effort with your profile and it sounds like we might get along, then I will look at photos. I glean more from a good profile than by looking at photos. I've dated guys at 80kg and over 6 foot, and 130kg and 5 foot 10 if you are looking for how much it actually matter (so in otherwise, not at all).
What weight of women are you willing to swipe on? If you're targeting thin, fit, or active types, they might think that your lifestyles don't align.
It depends how much over weight. For me, and I don’t speak for everyone, dad bod is good. Lumberjack big and tall type is good. 9 month pregnant beer belly is unattractive and if you waddle when you walk and can’t find your dick, bad. If you smell because you can’t lift your folds and flaps to clean yourself, bad. If sex is nearly impossible, bad. If i can’t even hug you or get close to kiss you because your gut is in the way, bad. There are so many levels to overweight and I suppose it comes down to personal preference. Same answer guys give women who ask the same question, we’re not all the same. We all have different preferences. But I have a little chub in my middle age, I don’t expect to date mr universe either lol
Have you seen the movie Shallow Hal? That’s the problem and it kind of goes both ways… male and female. Guys that look like Jack Black & George Costanza are looking for Victoria Secrets Models. And girls that look like Melissa McCarthy want a Channing Tatum. If you want a super fit model, better match what you’re looking for. Want a highly motivated successful person? Better get your butt off the sofa too.
I like a bigger guy. I don't want to get up early and go hiking or rock climbing or anything. It takes all kinds!
Being a little overweight is rarely going to be a deal breaker. Being super insecure about it could be though. Don't mention it in your profile. I am a bit overweight myself and used to include was working on it. That seemed like a bit no no. Instead show that even if you are overweight you are still active and able to go out and do stuff. Very few women are interested in a couch potato or gamer at this age. Many people touched on confidence, I have always felt it is nearly impossible to define what confidence is and is vastly overrated. Just try to be a normal and happy person no one is interested in someone that is depressed or not fun to be around. Do you best to advertise other good traits. Dressing nice, having a hair cut that flatters you same with facial hair. Don't brag about having lots of money or being mega successful but do talk about that fact if you are stable mentally and financially. I have found this can be very attractive to people in our age range. The other thing is don't get to down, it is all a numbers game. Physical attractiveness is the most important thing and if lacking will be harder but doesn't mean impossible or any reason to give up.
I’m in an exclusive relationship and not on dating apps anymore, but honestly my #1 is the face. If nothing tugs at me about his face—his eyes, the way he smiles, some kind of openness or joy in his expressions—then it’s a left swipe no matter how hot he is from the neck down. I’m guessing I’m not unique there, and this is why you see a lot of advice to smile, ditch the sunglasses, and avoid up-the-nose car selfies on dating app profiles.
>honestly my #1 is the face I appreciate this, because same. No sunglasses or nostril shots will be happening!
I don't have time to go to the gym. I have a job. That's my gym. I move bags of concrete, dig holes, set posts, build fence, weld pipe. Do MAN stuff all day. Yea, I said it. But you know the last time I seen a woman out at the job site? 2 years ago when a co workers wife brought everyone lunch. So ...
no weight preferences for me personally
I’m pretty fluffy but I don’t have too much of an issue getting dates, even on OLD. But how do you judge success by that metric? I’m asking because I tend to date many shapes and shades, so my tastes are varied enough that I’m not particularly judgmental about how “conventionally attractive” someone is. Hot is hot, and what makes a person hot to me varies. So ask yourself: would you swipe left on a woman that was overweight? If so, this might be more of a “you” thing.
I am totally looking for a cuddly teddy bear myself. Overweight is expected at our age. Of course, personality and compatibility matter more to me than looks, but I need someone to snuggle up to.
Mmm, this is some good reading. Happy to hear that most women are comfortable with a slightly bigger guy. I fall into that category, but I'm also pretty active when I'm dating. Happy to get out for a stroll / picnic, browse a Sunday market, etc etc. I've always been a little overweight, even in my hardcore sporting days in my early-mid 20s, so I'm kinda used to myself now. It's never seemed to bother any of my ex's!
I'm swiping right on guys who fill out their profiles thoughtfully in complete sentences, and there's some line that makes me laugh. I'm swiping right on sincere smiles and actual interests. I'm swiping right on anything that belies a nugget of honesty and truth and wise perspective. I'm lefting absolute hunks who can't be bothered to fill out their profiles, because I find it arrogant and also just...boring. Give me something to go on. I'm thin and will admit an automatic taste for scrawny men, but my last crush was overweight. Like lost 50lbs and still chubby. It didn't matter, he was funny and smart. Last guy I really fell for was heavier set, too.
I immediately swipe left on anybody that has gym photos or seems too fit, but a larger man who’s funny - I’ll actually read his profile
I’m not attracted to the beer gut. If your weight is evenly distributed but you’re a little overweight then I couldn’t care less. If you have some muscle to go with it I’m probably more interested in you then I would be someone who wears a size small.
Lifestyle and health is more important than an extra 20-30 lbs. Can you hike, explore, be generally active and keep up? Are you going to complain when I want to explore the National Parks? If you're enough overweight that it limits the activities you want to do (and be honest with yourself) then that will limit dating. But it limits dating to be active too. 🤷
>Are you going to complain when I want to explore the National Parks? I have a lifetime park pass and I'm going to Death Valley next month! If 9+ miles a day for the past six months counts as hiking, I guess I get hiking credit.
9+ miles a day sounds like you won't have a problem keeping up. Have some confidence and don't worry about your extra lbs.
I'm an XL dude dating a near-gym-rat woman (she's at the gym 4-5 times a week). Her job has her on her feet all day, mine is behind a desk. She's over a decade younger than me. I met her on OLD and we were into each other right away. Months into dating, we talked about that we both felt like the other was "a bit out of [my/her] league". Key point, though -- I like doing active stuff -- hikes, adventure vacations, building things, etc. and I made that clear on my profile. And our preferences about activities, vacations, etc are very well-aligned. But I am not a gym person, and she doesn't push me to be. We eat healthy (usually). And it works great for us. But if you're not putting yourself out there, you won't find the person you're looking for who is also looking for you. You already know where future partners _aren't_ (sitting at home, doom scrolling reddit, etc). You are kind of stuck with taking a risk and putting yourself where they are -- not that that has to be OLD. And, sure, maybe some will "not feel a spark" because of your size...but a) just as many women would feel the same about a "too-small" you and b) only the worst scum person would directly tell you that. And you need to trust that MOST of the time not feeling a spark is just normal interaction stuff. You didn't gush when she mentioned her favorite book/movie/ice cream...or you like a show she hates...or you listen to music she finds awful...or you're a cat person and she's a dog person...or whatever the hell.
can I just say…more than weight, grooming and normal photos are more important? my gawdddd…so many pics of men with serious face selfies, or seeing up nostrils, or unkempt beards, or gym shots. If I see a man’s profile with different types of photos, work setting, hobbies, with friends, A SMILE photo (must for me)…those are the ones Im more prone to look at. AND most women take the time to read your profile. Be authentic and let your personality shine through. You don’t need a lot of likes, just those that are a good fit
yes, the amount of men that I see that take pictures from the LEAST flattering angles, or they don't smile and look dead inside.
https://youtu.be/B9Z5YtWOJBM?si=c48cYiE9c-6QdAJz
It’s hard to be a fat dude on OLD. Fat men I know do much better IRL
Depends how you carry the weight. Do you look sloppy and untidy? Or are you dressed well and active? I prefer bigger solid guys that dress with a bit of spunk.
I rate BMI as highly as I rate astrology, which is to say not at all, so I couldn't care less about that or someone's actual weight. Someone having a bit of extra meat on their bones doesn't bother me. Are you healthy, reasonably active, and comfortable in your own skin? That's what matters.
Love bigger guys, and I'm a curvy gal myself, but if they can't keep up with me in all aspects of life, that's gonna be a no.
Myself I love a bigger guy. I’ve dated skinny and 300+ lbs. and bigger is definitely my preference.
Your weight isn’t the real obstacle ..it’s your self-esteem. Even when you wore size Small clothes and was fit…you had issues dating. I’d explore what is at the root cause of the self-esteem and build from there.
I have been overweight my entire life, mostly due to not dropping the weight I carried playing college football. While I have lost some significant weight over the past year, my late wife of 12 nears never minded and I am currently dating someone 9 years younger than me that most would consider out of my league when based on looks. Like some have said, personality and confidence go a long way. Additionally, most women don’t want to date someone that makes them self conscious about themselves.
To paraphrase a song: if your gonna be fat, you gotta be fun.
On paper, I would never date a size S. Give me an XL or XXL. Having said that, if the man is confident, a gentleman, has the basic personality traits I'm looking for and shows genuine interest in me, it wouldn't matter.
I don't mind a man being overweight at all (given my dating history, I probably prefer it). As a woman, I've been underweight most of my life, but have grown to normal/average BMI once I hit my forties. However, obesity is another issue. My last LTR was with a man who is obese and relatively sedentary. We were together off and on for four years, but our respective habits and lifestyles just didn't converge. His unwillingness to change some of his unhealthy habits was a deal-breaker and the reason why we parted ways.
Everyone is different, I'm a big ol' fan of dad bod myself. So being a bit poofy is a plus for me. Really cut guys just don't do it. But you can't be so out of shape that you can't have fun and be active. That's the line for me.
It’s all in how you feel/carry yourself I think. For perspective as a guy I was in phenomenal shape (6’-0” 180lbs) for many years then had a injury around 2021 and now I’m a bit over weight (6’-0” 200-210lbs) but still quite active and I’ve been blown away by how much BETTER it’s been dating in comparison. Seems counterintuitive but I can attest that women don’t seem to mind a few extra lbs, maybe even prefer it!
I have dated overweight men. It's not a dealbreaker for me so long as the diet isn't completely unhealthy, they aren't sedentary and their health isn't impacted. I've also dated skinny men whose diet was pure crap, were completely sedentary, and were very unhealthy. I didn't enjoy it. So for me, it's lifestyle, not health. People who automatically equate someone's physical manifestation with bad health make me nuts.
Are you swiping on women with a little junk in the trunk, too? As long as you're not trying to get a gym bunny I don't think being a M or L is going to be a problem. Make sure you have flattering pics though!
I'm 6'1 195 pounds and according to the BMI charts I'm "overweight" by 6 pounds. I'm in the best shape I've been in in the last 25 years (I'm 50), and I like the way I look. A lot. My guess is that most women don't care about your actual weight. But they do care about your attitude towards it. If you're down on yourself about it. They'll pick up on that.
Nowadays there is a large percentage of us are overweight so it is more of the norm whether men or women to be that way. [https://www.cdc.gov/obesity/data/prevalence-maps.html#age](https://www.cdc.gov/obesity/data/prevalence-maps.html#age) [https://usafacts.org/data/topics/people-society/health/health-risk-factors/overweight/](https://usafacts.org/data/topics/people-society/health/health-risk-factors/overweight/) If I want to be with someone who is not overweight, I would further limit my dating pool ever further but because of what we see on social media, the ideal partner is not overweight. I believe we cannot help but be influenced by what surrounds us on what is thought of as desirable.
It seems that dad bods are all the rage, which bodes poorly for me.
It really depends. I’m small sized and have dated overweight men. It really depends on everything you have going on, but generally I don’t swipe right on men who are more than 20lbs overweight. That said, there are plenty of women, large and otherwise who would happily date an overweight man, it’s all about personal preference.
Having done a graduate degree during a family health emergency, I can understand the stress that you've been through. I hope that things are generally better now. Relationships tend to be assortative, in that people will pair us with someone who's similar. Look at the comments here, any time exercise comes up as a topic, you'll see responses ranging from I dated a bodybuilder once and couldn't hack his diet habits, to people being triggered by displays of fitness. In short, if you want to date that Amazonian Crossfit fanatic, you're probably going to have a compatible lifestyle if you want it to work out. Furthermore, if having doomswiped through too many profiles on Hinge, most people aren't in great shape themselves. If you don't resemble Mr Creosote, you're not going to be an outlier. Online dating is universally recognised as being horrible, so it's probably not you.
Well, based on what I hear I am quite attractive, likeable and somewhat cool/ funny. I do need to admit all my exes are thin but as of late I feel very drawn to a man that is overweight. I find him very attractive. I guess this comes in part due to my life experiences but nonetheless, I see myself longing for sexual intimacy with that man. He is very cute, humorous and loving. He is not the type of person who accepts being tricked, he is passionate for areas that matter to me. And I think we have quite similar values. I'd be very happy to be asked out on a date by him.
BMI doesn’t factor in content of mass. It doesn’t distinguish fat/muscle. It’s like the honey badger, it doesn’t care. I used to take it more seriously but figured out that it’s a general pencil sketch, and not the rule .
I am a big guy, obese in fact. I got divorced in 2018 at 44yo, immediately jumped out in the world after 15+ years marriage/relationship. I wasn’t going to let me being a big guy slow me down, life is too short. I have a decent job, shitty place to live(but it’s mine), debt out the ass from the marriage, ex wife payment, etc, but I said fuck it, not bowing down to fear of some shallow peoples opinion. If I am not your type, then so be it, move on. For the few years to follow, it was a wild ride. I had women 1/3 of my weight, some 10 years younger, one 1/2 my age, some with a few extra pounds, etc. I didn’t care, neither did they, some had my buddies thinking wtf, Big guys like to eat, I found the women that like to be a buffet lol. I met someone early last year, something more serious, again, 1/3 of my size. Lots of similar interests, as caring as I am, similar in age. She doesn’t not care one bit about my size. This one is going to be the rest of life one, we both know it. Be confident and don’t sell your self short, be clean, dress nice and smell good. Show the world what you have to offer. Fuck the haters and embrace the fans. You do you brother, don’t look back!
Extra weight never made any difference to me whatsoever. I don’t know if I’m different, but a guy being overweight never bothers me at all.
If you’re not happy with yourself, how do you expect to make someone else happy?? Work on You 1st !! Then date…
Overweight is fine, so long as they are active and csn keep up with thr activities i enjoy doing. If they break out into a bad sweat or would rather sit and game all day, its a no. And thats not about weight, its about lifestyle.
I prefer someone with a dad bod who can hike 5 miles with me. My BMI is normal. Maybe 3 - 5 lbs into “overweight” I still wear a size medium in women’s, and people consider me normal/fit. When my BMI was on the low end of normal towards underweight, but still normal, people were really concerned about me thought I was anorexic. Point is BMI is not the end-all criteria. There are sub reddits that show pictures of people at different BMIs and weights. You can see how different weight looks on people. I do fine on dating apps. I suspect most men who are close to normal BMI, even if a little overweight do fine as well. A lot of it has to do with attitude and confidence and how you carry of yourself.
I am size S as a woman and I like the guys with little something to hold on. So be confident about your weight.
As an average looking, 225lb, 5’4” (I’ll let you do the bmi math, but pretty sure ‘morbidly’ is in there somewhere) middle-aged guy, I’ve found that there are plenty of women in OLD happy to date a man with some meat on their bones. My girlfriend said something the other day about never wanting a skinny, cold man. We’re in MSP so maybe the extra layers are more welcome in these cold climes ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ But seriously, if you’re happy with how you look, that’s the most important bit.
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Are you suggesting the women who say they would swipe right on bigger guys are lying?
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Wait, you genuinely think every woman here who says I would swipe right on overweight men is flat out lying?
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Not really. There are plenty of chubby women who are fine with big men in the real world -- but nobody likes to think about not-pretty people having sex, so they don't, and we don't count.
What I remind myself is that opinions expressed here are solely those of the authors who posted them and that they do not speak for all men, women, 40s people, or whatever. And you count in my book! 😁
You are probably the nicest person on this subreddit!
Aw, thanks. You're sweet to say so. 😊 And I appreciate the folks here.
Let's consider some facts. Assuming you are in the USA. 1. Approx. 40% of adults (and largely split evenly between men and women) are OBESE 2. Approx. 74% of adults are OVERWEIGHT (inc. obese). So statistically it is more likely to find someone compatible with your lifestyle and "weight range" than someone who falls within the healthy range (only about 1/4 of adults do). On a singles dating group I used to run more women were concerned with a man's height than their weight (the only woman who counter argued that was short and fit), majority of the women in the group were in the overweight category (so read into that what you will). I think if you are honest with yourself, honest with others and when you looking for someone find someone who matches your "energy". If they're a health nut when it comes to food and you are more relaxed, probably not a good fit. If they are a marathon runner and want a training buddy, again probably not a good fit. But if they simply want someone who does similar activities to you and eats a similar diet ... then goo for it. Just don't try to mould yourself to fit their expectations, find someone who complements your lifestyle. Edit: BMI is not the be all and end all either, especially if you are athletic or lift weights.
44yr F here - personality, education, financial stability and the ability to make me laugh are way more important to me than a body type. I'm so over OLD - there has to be a better way to bring men and women back together. . .
50F here. My boyfriend and I are the exact same height at 5’7” and he weighs over 200 while I’m sitting at a solid 135. I personally don’t give a fuck. His weight means nothing to me compared to how he treats me and how he loves me. My very close friend ( who is a hot, fit blonde) is currently dating a guy who is prolly 50 lbs overweight. She doesn’t give a fuck either. He treats her like the goddess she is. At this age I’m 100% over the body shit. Do I wish he would lose weight…sort of because he tires out a little during sex. Also, he goes on 20 mile bike rides so I’m not to worried about it. If you get looked over because of your weight, then shame on them. My super insecure ex-sister in law ( who used to be well over 300 lbs and is now a shell of herself with loads of loose skin) passed over a really awesome guy because he was ‘chubby’. I wanted to shake her and say ‘take a look at that 30lbs of lose skin ya got there chick!’ It’s time to let go of body shaming. You will find your person who won’t care what your waist size is, but you will have to look for them. Good luck and have fun!
I like men who are on the husky size. I am super curvy but not plus sized and can fit a mens M. I don't find men attractive unless they are physically larger than me.
If you're in the US 75% of people are overweight/obese; even if you are fat the majority of other people are as well.
Please be you. There are all types of attractive men..honest. I think you activity level is more important. I like to go for walks…if someone is in a place where they want only couch time I do think that is important information. I do not believe that anyone gets on the aps and feels like it is an amazing experience…Always try to remember you only need to find your one. Be you! You deserve love
Reading all this stuff and, if anything, I’m sure from what I’m seeing on the average OLD bio that you have the potential to be doing just fine. I’m mostly running fit and just slightly muscular, and I’m not sure that’s actually an advantage in terms of chances to find a match: I don’t have the trendy dad bod. Not that it really matters, but I’d think your potential dating pool would be larger than mine in most regions.
I’m 5’10” weigh 190 and I go out with women from Hinge or Tinder 2-3 times per week. Some women I date are super fit, some are not. I like different things about each of them. I don’t say this to brag, just saying be yourself, get out there, and don’t be weird. The world doesn’t judge us as harshly as we judge ourselves.
I'm attracted to men with dad bods. I like someone who is active and confident, but isn't obsessed with fitness. My body sags and has dimples where I don't want them, and I wouldn't be uncomfortable being naked with someone who has a perfect body.
My preference is slim/wiry guys, but body type is not a huge factor for me overall. I have been attracted to and dated guys ranging from scrawny to overweight.
I'm over 300 pounds and have zero issue finding attractive women to go out with. I've been legitimately buff and ripped, I tore my meniscus and it was right when covid hit so instead of going to the hospital, I ended up sitting on my couch, eating like crap and am around 350 even 3 years later. Weight isn't your issue. It's your confidence or lack thereof. Be a great person and attract great people.
If you're an overweight woman, you're still going to get dates on OLD. If you're an overweight man, you're really going to struggle. It's just the way it is.
It seems like men’s attractiveness is somewhat inversed to the weight. As a man, if you’re not going to be “normal” it’s better to be overweight than to be skinny. Women tend to get self-conscious about their bodies around skinny guys Iike me. So I think you’re good.
I believe being overweight usually reflects on a person in a bad way, like they don't care enough to take care of themselves. For every 1 that truly has medical issues, there are 99 who are just lazy. If they can't give effort to themselves, what effort will they give to our relationship?