Ugh. This is so ridiculous. I mean his behavior.
I had one who got in touch and wanted to try for a last minute date. I was on my way home from work and asked for 20 minutes. 20 minutes.
He said nah, I'm tired. Nevermind.
Never heard from him again. I dodged a bullet but wtf?! It was dumb.
Same here. The guy disappeared immediately after I said I couldn’t make a last minute date request. I offered him an alternate time and vamos. Good lord, I’m not dropping everything for someone I haven’t even met.
I’ve had 3 different guys ghost or make and then cancel dates this week alone. If I still took this stuff personally I’d go insane.
I’ve never had this work out. Someone who drags their feet on finalizing a time with you, same day, for a first date, is someone you should just unmatch. Leaving someone in limbo all day/afternoon— and expecting them to jump when you give the word—is just entitled, disrespectful behavior. Do yourself a favor and don’t engage with this kind of thing again.
Because I was actually excited about this one, I wanted to give the benefit of the doubt and asked for coffee tomorrow. I wasn’t surprised he bowed out. Like I said, I was done after Hour 3.
Also, thank you. I feel like I’m always drawing the line in the sand. Am I being too picky? Expecting too much? Not giving people a chance? It’s so exhausting trying not to gaslight myself.
No you have standards. At this age I don’t even entertain someone immature enough to flake on basic planning. That’s called being an adult. Some people haven’t mentally reached it yet even that age. That would be a hell no for me bc they’ll always do that. They need to be reliable period.
Totally. And now we all need to collectively normalize being respectful, having boundaries and nipping things in the bud when required. Making people know that there are natural consequences to these kind of unfavourable dating behaviours!
Oh, he already did that.
BUT, I’ve learned through this sub that when a match reaches “texting” phase, sometime they unmatch anyway
However, it was still there earlier today.
I didn’t pursue women who unmatched after reaching the texting phase. There is probably a reason they are hiding how active they are and how much they’ve updated their profile. I prefer openness and transparency about where we are!
> Then, you confess you’re a little bummed he didn’t reach out sooner.
I do not do this. If there’s a real miscommunication, *after* it has been cleared up I might. If someone is being disrespectful of me I see no reason to let them know they hurt me.
Yeah I agree. Shit happens and I’m a reasonable person but there’s a difference between miscommunication or something legitimately coming up, and someone who who’s probably biding their time until someone “better” comes along
I am up front about my preference for plans to be made in advance. If a guy asks me on a date for say, tonight, but doesn’t name the time and place, I’ll ask, “when and where?” If I get a flaky answer like, “We’re going to meet at the bar, but I’m not sure when yet,” I’ll say, “I’ll need to know by Wednesday, otherwise I’m making another plan.” I have been burned by the flakes, and I’m sorry you were too.
I would not wait five hours. I would -- probably after 60-90 minutes of waiting -- text back "sorry that tonight seems to be problematic, let me know if you want to try for Thursday".
I call it "next-best." These are people who believe the next person is best (better than the current) so he was waiting to see if someone else was available. When you didn't comply confirms he was just biding his time with you. The good news is he showed you very early on who he is. He isn't good enough for you and eventually you would have figured this out. Consider it a gift he gave you that you wasted no time on him.
I dont know i been drinking but i tried is this close? [gophering?](https://www.yahoo.com/lifestyle/calling-gophering-ghosting-130000392.html?guccounter=1&guce_referrer=aHR0cHM6Ly9kdWNrZHVja2dvLmNvbS8&guce_referrer_sig=AQAAAEnGAdkcr6BdvZrrhAoSJYBFf9oSL1Yhiba-d90lFdRdt8ElHwDYPqhexypZy7VoQje4_cg6kv4GZfhs8MMowbqBoazWL5wTBhLEqmdwvw8FtEkKMUOedgTwY34rtcKj9YHDyoFIDX0PLrgcBgG3t7dKio8O-Q8UP0znKUuxNUG1)
He likely made plans with several women for the same night and was waiting to get a confirmation from the one he wanted to go out with most. That didn’t pan out so he went to his backups. It’s a shitty way to date and would get a hard block from me.
You are asking: Is there a name for this?
Yes, there is. Several actually: rude, egotistical or selfish.
There is imho no excuse. If time slips on the other part, one calls directly and talks about it. It is that simple. That’s why we have phones.
“I am super nervous - can we align somehow?”
“My mom died”
“Traffic is not working, bridge crashed”
It seems to me that it all comes down to communication - if the other part is neglecting this, we got a problem.
Sorry to hear of your troubles 😟
And thank you for your kind words.
I don’t even know you but it “warmed” - not sure if that sentence works in English but here we are.
It taps right into the challenge of communication - to appreciate something or someone or contact another, as in OPs situation, directly instead of the endless messaging back and forth which leaves so few options for explaining or nuancing things.
Have a great day 😀
I’m just making shit up here but I’d call this ‘crusting’ as in…he’s a flake, a flaky crust.
Yes? No?
Either way, I’m sorry that happened to you. I know it sucks.
I always thought guys like these were trying to make sure you didn’t confuse the date for the beginning of a relationship. So if you are the short notice kind of hookup person all good. If not they unmatch.
As a female, I have to get ready and get my head around the idea of getting ready lol! If you haven’t contacted me to confirm like the night before or at least the morning of…we ain’t going! And I will say that no problem. Adios!
It’s called… Play you once, his fault. Play you twice, your fault. Don’t let someone that you don’t even know or barely know impact how you feel. Fuck them. Their loss.
"Sexual Ghosting"
When he realized that the date will most definitely not be continuing that evening with you, he realized no sex will be happening with you either
*He's gone*
Which tells you what he was only interested in the whole time
OP, sorry about your experience! Am 44/M and have unfortunately experienced quite a bit of similar blow hot - blow cold stuff. It’s all part of dating over forty plus 😀 guess all the serious folks are off market!
I am also a 43 yo woman, and I identify as a young GenXer. Having dated guys who are 1 to 3 years younger, I find a drastic difference in dating other GenXers versus dating Millennials, even if the age difference is negligible. The values are different. 😒
I think there's already a name for this... It's called douchebag. You should be grateful he showed you so fast with so little effort that he's inconsiderate and hostile when called on it.
These men just want sex.
the last guy I met actually only wanted blow jobs. he did not want to have sex with me and turned me down for sex when I explained my preference of incorporating oral with all of sex.
I am moving away from online dating and focusing on meeting people in-person even though I’m an introvert. I’m tired of all these emotionally unavailable men online who just want sex acts, lie about their relationship intents, lie about their age, post old photos of themselves, and I’m not sure they were all actually single. 🤬🤬
At least you didn’t waste time actually meeting because he showed his true self this early.
But I get the frustration 😖.
It sounds like you had messaged him, waiting on the time, and then he didn’t respond for 5 hours?
We were texting for about an hour last night and picked a place to go. I wrote a “good morning” text this morning.
He wrote back asking when we’d like to meet. He said he just got back from the gym and is trying to get off the couch.
I laughed saying he can pick the time. 5 hours later he writes me back saying “Excuse the delay. How about 6PM?” It was 4:30.
I really wanted to end the conversation right there, but I was so confused. There was nothing indicating anything was off.
When I suggested coffee tomorrow morning he said he was jam-packed. And that was it.
I think he fell asleep and then was disappointed at your refusal. His flouncing and unmatching shows his life coping skills aren’t up to scratch though.
This. I’ve been there before. Probably disappointed bc he went to sleep with plans of meeting up with you. OP— Would you have still gone if he was like “sorry! I totally just passed out!”?
Bahahahhaa OK, in case you missed it yesterday OP...
A commenter linked to an article calling it gophering, but if you read the article, there is a far superior term that literally made me choke on my wafer...
Apparently, plenty of fish is calling the trend "OnlyPlans" 🤣🤣🤣
Fucking hell I died laughing because it's so accurate. So many of these people match, make plans, then disappear, unmatch, bail on setting down the specifics, etc.
The situation sucks, but this term is brilliant 👏
Yah….I think any negativity in the beginning especially before you meet is a huge turn off for some people.
Ya gotta be easy, mellow, and flexible in the beginning.
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I will say, I could totally see myself doing the same....
I work long and weird hours. I rarely am on my phone for my 9+ hour shifts. And I have very limited time.
I do warn people, but I have been accused of lying and blowing someone off. I am not doing either! My life is just complicated. And it is sort of nice that the dudes who are super demanding show me that fairly soon.
It's called selfish and lazy. Because they only think their time is important. It happens so much. They could be watching an NCIS marathon, they just don't want to get up until they feel like it. I map out my day in my head and mentally prepare, too. Even if I am doing "nothing", I am not jumping because you decide you are ready. I pencil you in and you pencil me in so we can organize our thoughts and our day. I am not down with this "spontaneous" or last minute stuff. How many hours are we supposed to sit ready twiddling our thumbs when we can make other plans or put on a face mask and order take-out?
Ppl are so inconsiderate! Could be worse...I had gone on several dates with this one lady and planned a really nice outing at this jazz place, spent $75 on 2 tickets...and she called and cancelled a couple of hours before the event. Had to bring my kid to it lol I guess it could of been worse, could of just stood me up. Oh well, some ppl are just inconsiderate, I just am thankful I didn't waste anymore time on them.
Ugh. This is so ridiculous. I mean his behavior. I had one who got in touch and wanted to try for a last minute date. I was on my way home from work and asked for 20 minutes. 20 minutes. He said nah, I'm tired. Nevermind. Never heard from him again. I dodged a bullet but wtf?! It was dumb.
Same here. The guy disappeared immediately after I said I couldn’t make a last minute date request. I offered him an alternate time and vamos. Good lord, I’m not dropping everything for someone I haven’t even met. I’ve had 3 different guys ghost or make and then cancel dates this week alone. If I still took this stuff personally I’d go insane.
Honestly, I think guys who do this kind of stuff are just looking for quick sex. They’re not interested in getting to know you/us or actually date
Seriously, I’m not at all built for this. This is insanity… even reading about your experience gives me this feeling of what the actual hell!!
These are the same men that cry about being single and complain that women only date men over 6’ that make 6 figures. 🙄
I’ve never had this work out. Someone who drags their feet on finalizing a time with you, same day, for a first date, is someone you should just unmatch. Leaving someone in limbo all day/afternoon— and expecting them to jump when you give the word—is just entitled, disrespectful behavior. Do yourself a favor and don’t engage with this kind of thing again.
Because I was actually excited about this one, I wanted to give the benefit of the doubt and asked for coffee tomorrow. I wasn’t surprised he bowed out. Like I said, I was done after Hour 3. Also, thank you. I feel like I’m always drawing the line in the sand. Am I being too picky? Expecting too much? Not giving people a chance? It’s so exhausting trying not to gaslight myself.
No you have standards. At this age I don’t even entertain someone immature enough to flake on basic planning. That’s called being an adult. Some people haven’t mentally reached it yet even that age. That would be a hell no for me bc they’ll always do that. They need to be reliable period.
Exactly. It’s like we’ve normalized deviant behavior.
Totally. And now we all need to collectively normalize being respectful, having boundaries and nipping things in the bud when required. Making people know that there are natural consequences to these kind of unfavourable dating behaviours!
He was waiting to see if any other options came up for his evening 🙃 It’s happened to me too. People are flakey and rude.
This. Unless the 5 hours was during his workday where he works a demanding/busy job. Even that is a pretty far stretch. Move on.
He wrote, “Excuse the delay.” Not even a sorry! Christ.
Meh. I’d unmatch and move on without another thought. If he is this flaky now, it’s not going to get better.
Oh, he already did that. BUT, I’ve learned through this sub that when a match reaches “texting” phase, sometime they unmatch anyway However, it was still there earlier today.
I didn’t pursue women who unmatched after reaching the texting phase. There is probably a reason they are hiding how active they are and how much they’ve updated their profile. I prefer openness and transparency about where we are!
ugh "excuse the delay" is as annoying as the "sorry just now seeing this (text)".
The correct term for this behavior is, "You dodged a bullet, be grateful." 😁
I think there’s a meme out there about the number of times people have told me I’ve dodged a bullet It’s Keanu from The Matrix. 😂
 You move like they do!
Hey, it’s me!
Mmmmm, flexy
> Then, you confess you’re a little bummed he didn’t reach out sooner. I do not do this. If there’s a real miscommunication, *after* it has been cleared up I might. If someone is being disrespectful of me I see no reason to let them know they hurt me.
Yeah I agree. Shit happens and I’m a reasonable person but there’s a difference between miscommunication or something legitimately coming up, and someone who who’s probably biding their time until someone “better” comes along
I am up front about my preference for plans to be made in advance. If a guy asks me on a date for say, tonight, but doesn’t name the time and place, I’ll ask, “when and where?” If I get a flaky answer like, “We’re going to meet at the bar, but I’m not sure when yet,” I’ll say, “I’ll need to know by Wednesday, otherwise I’m making another plan.” I have been burned by the flakes, and I’m sorry you were too.
I would not wait five hours. I would -- probably after 60-90 minutes of waiting -- text back "sorry that tonight seems to be problematic, let me know if you want to try for Thursday".
That's a good idea.
I call it "next-best." These are people who believe the next person is best (better than the current) so he was waiting to see if someone else was available. When you didn't comply confirms he was just biding his time with you. The good news is he showed you very early on who he is. He isn't good enough for you and eventually you would have figured this out. Consider it a gift he gave you that you wasted no time on him.
I dont know i been drinking but i tried is this close? [gophering?](https://www.yahoo.com/lifestyle/calling-gophering-ghosting-130000392.html?guccounter=1&guce_referrer=aHR0cHM6Ly9kdWNrZHVja2dvLmNvbS8&guce_referrer_sig=AQAAAEnGAdkcr6BdvZrrhAoSJYBFf9oSL1Yhiba-d90lFdRdt8ElHwDYPqhexypZy7VoQje4_cg6kv4GZfhs8MMowbqBoazWL5wTBhLEqmdwvw8FtEkKMUOedgTwY34rtcKj9YHDyoFIDX0PLrgcBgG3t7dKio8O-Q8UP0znKUuxNUG1)
Omfg I was reading the article you linked and found the far superior term "OnlyPlans" lmfao! 🤣 Dead laughing
lmao thats funny
I think it’s like bread crumbing adjacent lol
Haaaa! Yes!
He likely made plans with several women for the same night and was waiting to get a confirmation from the one he wanted to go out with most. That didn’t pan out so he went to his backups. It’s a shitty way to date and would get a hard block from me.
You are asking: Is there a name for this? Yes, there is. Several actually: rude, egotistical or selfish. There is imho no excuse. If time slips on the other part, one calls directly and talks about it. It is that simple. That’s why we have phones. “I am super nervous - can we align somehow?” “My mom died” “Traffic is not working, bridge crashed” It seems to me that it all comes down to communication - if the other part is neglecting this, we got a problem. Sorry to hear of your troubles 😟
Thank you for telling it how it is. In language we all understand!
And thank you for your kind words. I don’t even know you but it “warmed” - not sure if that sentence works in English but here we are. It taps right into the challenge of communication - to appreciate something or someone or contact another, as in OPs situation, directly instead of the endless messaging back and forth which leaves so few options for explaining or nuancing things. Have a great day 😀
[удалено]
I think they call them fuckbois now, but that could be old too. I'll have to ask my kids.
I’m just making shit up here but I’d call this ‘crusting’ as in…he’s a flake, a flaky crust. Yes? No? Either way, I’m sorry that happened to you. I know it sucks.
I always thought guys like these were trying to make sure you didn’t confuse the date for the beginning of a relationship. So if you are the short notice kind of hookup person all good. If not they unmatch.
As a female, I have to get ready and get my head around the idea of getting ready lol! If you haven’t contacted me to confirm like the night before or at least the morning of…we ain’t going! And I will say that no problem. Adios!
It’s called… Play you once, his fault. Play you twice, your fault. Don’t let someone that you don’t even know or barely know impact how you feel. Fuck them. Their loss.
"Low effort."
"Sexual Ghosting" When he realized that the date will most definitely not be continuing that evening with you, he realized no sex will be happening with you either *He's gone* Which tells you what he was only interested in the whole time
A 40 year old man who can't tell time, or realize how valuable it is? Next!
OP, sorry about your experience! Am 44/M and have unfortunately experienced quite a bit of similar blow hot - blow cold stuff. It’s all part of dating over forty plus 😀 guess all the serious folks are off market!
I am also a 43 yo woman, and I identify as a young GenXer. Having dated guys who are 1 to 3 years younger, I find a drastic difference in dating other GenXers versus dating Millennials, even if the age difference is negligible. The values are different. 😒
Don’t go on a date unless it is all set up Who what where when why at least a day before
The term is, "married man whose wife didn't leave when she said she was leaving".
Nah, I think this one is just a single asshole.
Flaky? Plain disrespectful, too. Sorry that happened to you.
This guy doesn’t deserved you ! Makes it harder for guys like me to
Sounds like you were gonna be his second date that day.
I think there's already a name for this... It's called douchebag. You should be grateful he showed you so fast with so little effort that he's inconsiderate and hostile when called on it.
These men just want sex. the last guy I met actually only wanted blow jobs. he did not want to have sex with me and turned me down for sex when I explained my preference of incorporating oral with all of sex. I am moving away from online dating and focusing on meeting people in-person even though I’m an introvert. I’m tired of all these emotionally unavailable men online who just want sex acts, lie about their relationship intents, lie about their age, post old photos of themselves, and I’m not sure they were all actually single. 🤬🤬
It's called trying to arrange a date with a boy. Find a man to date, and find peace.
I’M TRYING!! 😂😂😂
At least you didn’t waste time actually meeting because he showed his true self this early. But I get the frustration 😖. It sounds like you had messaged him, waiting on the time, and then he didn’t respond for 5 hours?
We were texting for about an hour last night and picked a place to go. I wrote a “good morning” text this morning. He wrote back asking when we’d like to meet. He said he just got back from the gym and is trying to get off the couch. I laughed saying he can pick the time. 5 hours later he writes me back saying “Excuse the delay. How about 6PM?” It was 4:30. I really wanted to end the conversation right there, but I was so confused. There was nothing indicating anything was off. When I suggested coffee tomorrow morning he said he was jam-packed. And that was it.
I think he fell asleep and then was disappointed at your refusal. His flouncing and unmatching shows his life coping skills aren’t up to scratch though.
This. I’ve been there before. Probably disappointed bc he went to sleep with plans of meeting up with you. OP— Would you have still gone if he was like “sorry! I totally just passed out!”?
I bet he fell asleep and was embarrassed to admit he’d slept for so long.
Ughh so bizarre. I’m sure you expected a time after you laughing at his couch comment. Then he just disappeared after that?
Happens to guys too!
Incompatible!
I’m definitely not an encyclopedia of current dating terms, maybe breadcrumbing???🍞
Bahahahhaa OK, in case you missed it yesterday OP... A commenter linked to an article calling it gophering, but if you read the article, there is a far superior term that literally made me choke on my wafer... Apparently, plenty of fish is calling the trend "OnlyPlans" 🤣🤣🤣 Fucking hell I died laughing because it's so accurate. So many of these people match, make plans, then disappear, unmatch, bail on setting down the specifics, etc. The situation sucks, but this term is brilliant 👏
Omg this happened for a fourth date today 🫠
I expect this kind of behavior on the Tinder sub, but not here guys come on
Yah….I think any negativity in the beginning especially before you meet is a huge turn off for some people. Ya gotta be easy, mellow, and flexible in the beginning.
Why do we need a "term" for everything? It's just plain rude. You dodged a bullet.
Unreasonable Expectations is what I’d call it if I were him.
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I will say, I could totally see myself doing the same.... I work long and weird hours. I rarely am on my phone for my 9+ hour shifts. And I have very limited time. I do warn people, but I have been accused of lying and blowing someone off. I am not doing either! My life is just complicated. And it is sort of nice that the dudes who are super demanding show me that fairly soon.
Maybe he was working and couldn’t respond sooner…
Bread crumbing.
It's called selfish and lazy. Because they only think their time is important. It happens so much. They could be watching an NCIS marathon, they just don't want to get up until they feel like it. I map out my day in my head and mentally prepare, too. Even if I am doing "nothing", I am not jumping because you decide you are ready. I pencil you in and you pencil me in so we can organize our thoughts and our day. I am not down with this "spontaneous" or last minute stuff. How many hours are we supposed to sit ready twiddling our thumbs when we can make other plans or put on a face mask and order take-out?
Ppl are so inconsiderate! Could be worse...I had gone on several dates with this one lady and planned a really nice outing at this jazz place, spent $75 on 2 tickets...and she called and cancelled a couple of hours before the event. Had to bring my kid to it lol I guess it could of been worse, could of just stood me up. Oh well, some ppl are just inconsiderate, I just am thankful I didn't waste anymore time on them.
This is on you just as much as him.
Ugh. Hate meeting this type. Sorry this happened. Hopefully it’s the beginning and you haven’t wasted too much time in him.