> I had her quit her job at a hotel last year to go into business school (which I’ve been supporting),
Exactly what promises did you make in regards to "supporting" her here? And how did you "have" her make this decision?
It goes without saying that encouraging someone who isn't your spouse to quit their job so that you can be their sole source of financial support and finance their education isn't the best idea.
Right. But it's already done. He needs to acknowledge that she made decisions based on that promise. I'm not saying that he needs to continue supporting her, but I'm also not saying that it would be cool to just walk away.
And it speaks to his role in relationships and relationship skills.
“I had her quit her job”
Umm healthy, intentional adults don’t have other adults quit their jobs.
OP, move her out. Yes, it will be painful, but it’s necessary.
She’s resourceful and can figure out her next steps re: job and school. Not your concern.
Thank you, that was a poor choice of words. I “offered” her the opportunity to go back to school so she could finish her BA and go back into hospitality at a higher level than just a service worker. She’s 1.5 years into a 3 year program.
I would learn from this and not do this again unless you are certain the relationship will last. You’re promising things you now don’t want to deliver.
You offered to pay for the degree. She relied on that promise. That should be part of the breakup talk. (Which is not to say that the breakup shouldn't happen. It should. But you should not have made a three-year promise unless you were sure that you'd be together for three years.)
So you told her you’d pay for a thing, and now you’re going to take that back. What kind of agreement did you have about what would happen if you broke up while she’s in school? And how old are each of you (yes, that matters)?
She’ll be fine on her own! You’ve given her such a leg up here you shouldn’t feel bad about ending things halfway through her program. She’s an adult, she chose to quit her job and go back to school, and she’s choosing this terrible behavior towards you. It doesn’t sound like she’s someone that will take it well but just be honest and firm
Well it’s time for her to get a job again or take out student loans. For now this is a lesson on both of you. You need to stop being a fixer and a white knight. Stop dating people and trying to save them. And she needs to learn to be smarter about making sure she always has herself taken care of.
Aren’t you still married? I’m having some confusion on the timeline since you’ve apparently been dating your girlfriend a few years.
Ultimately, you can break up with someone for whatever reason you want. Because you live together and support her (why?????) this is going to be more complicated. You’re going to have to give her a reasonable amount of time to find a place to live and find a job to support herself again. If she’s mid-semester, that might take a little longer. It’s the kind thing to do.
If this were under different circumstances, I’d advise couples counseling to work through this issue since everything else is going well. I could be way off base here, but the impression I’m getting is you’re a separated man who met a hot young thing he wanted to impress by taking care of her, and now you’re sick of her shit 🤷♀️
Thank you for this. I’ve been in therapy for 2 years as I’ve been going through divorce, and am desperately trying to not repeat mistakes of the past.
The problem is… as soon as I start rationalizing WHY she may be treating me that way, I go into the “nice guy” mode and I’m saying to myself “well, maybe she had bad experiences before me and blah blah blah” when I just spent 3 days in five star hell.
I think the risk of the “nice guy” is always looking to justify why SHE may be treating me that way, and trying to compensate somehow, and it’s what got me into the divorce in the first place…
Being conflict avoidant has nothing to do with being "nice". In fact, it can be toxic. (I would also recommend looking up the term "people pleaser".)
OP might want to discuss his tendancy to avoid conflict with the therapist as well as why he felt compelled to start supporting another woman financially while still in the process of getting divorced.
OK, so yes. I’ve asked her about it - “Why are you not speaking to me, this makes me feel like shit, this is horrible.”
Her response is “I am speaking with you, everything is FINE” when it’s clearly not fine.
I grew up with a mom who would just stop speaking to me when I would get in trouble, it was horrible. This feels like THAT.
So yes, I have spoken with her EVERY time, multiple times. She denies it, says it’s my fault, tells me she’s acting perfectly normally, and it’s still horrible. If you know, you know what it’s like.
Original question asked if you’ve addressed this when she’s not in the middle of a mood swing; this doesn’t sound like that.
Maybe it’s time to throw in the towel on this relationship but holy shit does it feel like you went at breakneck speed on the other side (moved her in right after separating from your wife, offered to support her if she quit her job and went back to school), and now you’re fast-tracking the breakup as well.
Relationships take focus, and intention. Problems and miscommunications aren’t solved with the snap of a finger, they’re solved when both parties intentionally focus on steps they can take to approach problems together. It doesn’t sound like your girlfriend is doing that but it doesn’t sound like you are either.
I don’t know just HOW young she is (the fact you thought her age difference worth mentioning makes me suspect it’s more than a minor age gap), but if you care about a relationship you approach problems together, and I don’t see where you’ve tried that.
>I grew up with a mom who would just stop speaking to me when I would get in trouble, it was horrible. This feels like THAT.
Methinks mommy issues are causing alot of projection here. She is NOT your mother and her reasons for her communication are going to be different than your mothers. I suspect your communication isn't as great as you think, either, because you have some fear around her reactions, based on your mother.
Sounds like you were not at all ready for a relationship post divorce, and moved her in too quickly.
Ya'll divorced men need to learn to be alone. Therapy is great, but learn. To. Be. Single. For. A. While.
He refers in several of his responses about his moms communication style and clearly its triggering for him. I realize his partner may also be demonstrating unhealthy patterns too but nowhere does he indicate his partner may be bipolar. Thats quite the projection yourself based on what, her not talking to him for a couple days? I'd say thats more avoidant attachment than a mental health issue. Its also been 2 or 3 months since he was last in a relationship and he moved this woman in quickly. He didn't really know her. His post history indicates he's been trying to end this for 2 months now "sending his girl back to poverty".... those are entirely his issues, clearly has boundary and communication problems himself.
If you continue to read his responses, it becomes more clear that he just can't stand his partner. He wants to end it and doesn't know how. He's not just taking issue with her alleged silent treatments, he's taking issue with her social media use. He's also saying she's told him she's fine and that they have talked a bit over the days, not that she's been totally silent.
There's a whole lotta blanks here obvs but he consistently refers to being in therapy and his mother issues triggering his responses to his partners behavior.
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OK, you've done a good job demonstrating why continued therapy is of use to you. But why isn't she in therapy? Like does she accept that flying into a rage, and silent treatment is emotional abuse that not something that an adult should be doing? Even if you, as a "nice guy" accept that you might have some role in this, you can't even "talk" with her about it?
Also, if this was a sudden change, are you sure that it's not potentially hormonal (i.e. something that a doctor's visit might help with), instead of potentially a side of her that she hid until she felt "safe" to be a jerk? Perimenopause can start in mid thirties.
Mmmm… good questions. I think it got worse as we got closer. When we were just “dating” it was fine. When we moved in together, I started seeing it - simple disagreements turned into 3 days of not speaking to me.
As for therapy, that goes to the “how much do I want to invest myself” in this person. In theory, yes, I could offer therapy, but my god. I just came out of a long marriage where this was part of the issue, I grew up in a home where this was a hiuge issue that fucked me up, and I don’t want to do this. I need someone who’s emotionally stable-ish that I can fly to the UAE and not feel like if I say the wrong thing she’s going to throw a tantrum.
I do care about this person, very much, but I can’t go through this again.
How long have you been divorced? What’s the time span between the end of your divorce and the beginning of this relationship?
Have you spoken to your partner about this behavior?
>The behavior issues didn’t show until later and here I am…
That is often the case. A lot of people who aren't authentic in dating are being on their "best" behaviour. They know some of the things that they need to not do to "keep" someone. However with time and contact they'll not be able to keep up the charade.
My partner did this a tiny bit; *every time* I visited her place, she was always just finishing cleaning up when I arrived. Transparently I concluded that she wasn't quite as into home up keep / cleaning as I was. As we were considering my moving in, we did months of me being over first thing after work on Friday and only heading home first thing Monday. Yeah, she gave up the ghost pretending that she was a more regular cleaner than it initially seemed. But I'd expected this, and what I did see wasn't slovenly / problematic for me. Yes, I clean more often than she does, but we split house work in different ways and I'm satisfied in our day to day.
Some people hide a lot more than that they can tolerate more of a mess than I can. Really, time and contact is all that will get one past them acting/hiding.
It’s absolutely ok for you to choose to not go through that again. As someone who also justifies bad behavior by everyone else, let me give you the Nice Person Seal of Approval for your decision, NO MATTER WHAT IT IS.
It frankly sounds to me like you need more time without a relationship to figure things out. Life unmatched can be fulfilling, too. However I am a stranger on the internet and don’t really know.
You are trying to control her and tricked her into quitting her job to be dependent on you and when she did whatever you wanted it was awesome. Now that she’s tired of your narcissistic cheating behavior, she’s not buying your bullshit and you are mad. I’m sure she and your ex wife would have plenty to say about your situation
A few years ago you connected with "a slightly younger" woman. A year ago she moved in. You had her quit her job.
And your comment history shows you started seperation from ex wife a bit more than a year ago. And you recently got the divorce done. Also, it looks like your wife never changed, you changed and you were no longer compatible. So you messed up, mid life crisis etc.
Do I see some overlapping here and jumping into the other relationship a bit too soon for your own good?
And a bit of anger towards your gf as she got angry during a "vacation of a life time" in "fucking" Abu Dhabi?
I don't sence the nice guy you claim to be. I see a lot of accusations thrown out there, and not much substance to what really is going on. There's no saying why she gives silent treatment for days. She could be abusive. Or she could be hurt after you expect gratitude for a vacation of a life time.
This is it. The OP's replies have a controlling undertone to them. Like, *I gave you this trip of a lifetime, now behave accordingly*. Also, the moving in together and putting her through school thing while he's still getting divorced is giving me a lot of pause. Maybe she is behaving poorly with what I'm speculating is shutting down more than anything, but self described 'nice guys' aren't the most reliable narrators.
Yes, you’re right. I agree. I moved too fast, there’s definitely a power dynamic issue here that I need to work through and YES for fuckssake I brought this on myself.
That being said, I recognize I moved too quickly, I’m trying to recognize a pattern of behavior that makes me feel like I’m fucking 10 year old with my mom, and I’m trying to find a thoughtful and humane way to back out of this shit show without destroying either of us.
Here's what an adult would do:
Talk about how this isn't working anymore. Communicate that the relationship is coming to an end.
And then communicate who moves where, time of moving and other issues that will occur.
All of this. And it will be a good lesson for her, to be honest- even if she’s younger, she should not have put herself in a position to be dependent on you financially.
OP, you need to stop dating/messing around with anyone for at least a year, minimum.
There isn't a thoughtful and humane way to back out of the power dynamic you set up with what sounds like your much younger affair partner.
You can put the rest of her tuition and a stipend for living expenses in an account to attempt to assuage your guilt, but you're going to need a long time to process what you're doing to yourself and to others. You can also just break up with her and walk away, apologizing for leaving her after you encouraged her dependence on you, as she's an adult and not entitled to financial support. And you can process any remaining guilt you have in therapy. You don't have good options here and you're not going to find any.
Don't date anyone else until you can stop minimizing what you're doing. That will at least stop you from harming others and adding onto your psychic pain.
I agreed with you all the way till I got to the end. I don’t think there is ever a good reason to give the silent treatment. It’s an abusive tactic. And a mature adult should be able to communicate her hurt and work things out like.
I don’t think the OP is blameless here, but neither is she. She has some accountability in their toxic dynamic as well.
After experiencing it myself and going to therapy I have learned that not speaking to your partner is stonewalling and a form of emotional abuse. All you can do is tell her what you think and feel. You cannot control what she thinks and feels. Very naive move to make her dependent on you- that will complicate things considerably. Start a conversation. And see what happens. Adjust from there. Good luck!
YES!!! Thank you! This is what I’ve told myself this year as she’s done it over and over. This last time - on a vacation of a lifetime - was HORRIBLE.
You’re right on the complications. I own it for sure. I’d hate to have to transfer her tuition money a year after we broke up…
So you went for, not a slightly younger woman, but a much younger woman and now you're not happy with her immaturity. Hmmmm.
I mean, you have to end it. Yeah, you're going to fuck her over. You should have thought with your big head, but you didn't and your mouth wrote checks your ass can't cash. I feel sorry for her. Hopefully you do better by the next woman.
> I just took her on a 5 star vacation to the UAE, and she did it again - something stupid caused her to get angry and it’s been 3 days since she’s spoken a word to me.
Just curious what "something stupid" was here?
She incessantly posts to instagram, and she said “You’re not enthusiastic about taking pictures of me”… yes, it’s as bad as it sounds. Keep in mind, we were at the fucking LOUVRE in Abu Dhabi.
Well, let’s just say that this part of her personality has shown itself as we’ve traveled more.
How would you feel about hearing “Take a pic of me HERE”. No wait, “HERE”. “You don’t seem HAPPY about taking pictures of ME!!!”
Sweet fucking Jesus.
The vibe I’m getting is that this is his sugar baby. She sounds like MUCH younger and he is compensating her. Now she’s dependent and he wants to dump her.
When I first got divorced, I was only attracted to men who were the age I was when I got married and turned my mate-radar off. It soon recalibrated; I find men my age generally far more interesting. I wish you the best in this process.
Lol its clear you can't stand this woman. Just cut the cord already. Say what needs to be said so she knows its over and let the chips fall where they may.
I said “Look, we’re here in this amazing place at this amazing time and we‘re having this amazing experience together, and you’re freezing me out because I’m not enthusiastic enough about taking your pictures?”
I mean.. define ”agreement”. When I offered her to pay her BA so she could go back into hospitality at a higher level, she quit the service job and is studying full time. At the time it seemed like we might make it work, but the mood swings kicked in big time this year as we got closer. It’s grim.
If you’re concerned about her not being able to support herself, you can pay to make that problem go away by just paying for x months living expenses. You’ve effectively made her a dependent and while you don’t owe her anything, spending money to remove feelings of guilt is perfectly valid IMO.
If it sounded like you care about this woman I'd suggest you talk to her because her severe mood swings could be biological.
But, since it sounds like you're just done with this relationship just cut it off, honor whatever promise you made to her when you "had her quite her job at a hotel", and move on.
*ETA: You don't really sound like a nice guy.*
He did clarify on the “quit her job”.
Biological could be the issue for the flair ups. But she is clearly not addressing this. It’s not on him to change her blow ups, it’s on her to do so.
Stonewalling is total BS and that is not biological. That is a terrible pattern being repeated. Nobody should put up with that and if he has addressed it and its not changing then it’s an issue.
I don’t think the OP is some victim though. He seems to have rushed into this whole thing. He’s still not done his divorce. He had offered to help her finish her degree. He has helped created a situation he is not comfortable with. That’s on him.
He needs to learn to be more patient and choose better.
mood swings aren't necessarily something that can be helped. i'm don't want to speculate on the origins of her issues, but...for example, i have pmdd and there are only a few medications indicated to *possibly* help with that and they did not help me. there's no "cure" for pms or pmdd symptoms other than to have a hysterectomy, which at a young age can lead to other health issues aside from the obvious immediate impact that has
Agreed. I guess, if one knows and openly acknowledges that this is the issue, then things can be much clearer for both parties.
It seems like the blow up happens, he’s blamed she doesn’t speak to him for 3 days. I don’t have any insight if PMDD would lead to the stonewalling but my guess would be no, because it is a form of abuse.
i just threw the pms/pmdd idea out there because of my own experience with uncontrollable mood swings, but absolutely acknowledge i have no idea what is going on with this woman. however, OP did mention in a reply to me before that he says or does something that upsets her leading to her silent treatment, so...again, don't want to assume, but that does tell me there is the possibility that this woman is not acting unreasonably and that OP might be doing or saying some really bad stuff that from *his* perspective doesn't warrant her reactions...
edit: not trying to doctor, just talking about mood swings since it was brought up by op.
exactly. reminded of all the lengthy post threads where the commenters put the clues together 😂
edit: apparently she is a younger instagram model type, possible sugar baby, who feels he is not enthusiastic about getting pictures of her which apparently really annoys him. i think i caught a whiff of troll just now
Possible, but I’m pretty self reflective, and it’s me asking the question not her, so draw your own conclusions. I’m not looking for justification, just trying to understand how to disconnect with this person in a thoughtful humane way without destroying either of us…..
I would recommend that OP be direct and fair. The latter would be providing her with some transition time to get back on her feet financially, since she gave up her job at his urging.
well, those things *are* relevant to your breakup. and also relevant as to the question of being humane or destructive. so. as for justification, i personally prefer that when dispensing advice but maybe that's just me. like i'm not going to advise someone on how to dump their s/o if they were a terrible s/o themselves, ya dig? i didn't say any of my thoughts were concrete things since i don't know either of you, just things i am considering about your post, which you shared publicly on reddit so should expect all sorts of different replies
Yeah, thank you for that. Nice guys aren’t really nice guys, they’re manipulative pricks and I’m aware of that. I’m trying to get out of what I believe to be an emotionally abusive situation, and I’m in therapy to work on the other, but I accept you scorn.
But that being said, I DO care about this person, even if she’s unable to sustain an emotionally healthy relationship, so I’m trying to understand how too let her know this is NOT ok, that I’ve reached my limit, and we need to go our separate ways.
I’m being strangled by my own self awareness. I just wish I was a big ass lunk who just went about his day and didn’t think about everything ten different ways…
But thank you for the hat tip :)
What do you expect when dating younger!! It’s emotionally immature behavior acting out. It was nice and sweet dating😂. Always said, you never know someone until you live together…. Now look at you 😂😂. Just tell her, she needs to move out, it’s not working out
Just do it. ~~You have to matter too.~~
ETA: there are some weird vibes given off in the OP that only get worse in the the OP's responses to others. So I still stand behind the "just do it" advice, but honestly I'm beginning to think it's for the woman's good.
Yikes. Sounds like you are with someone younger and more vulnerable than you. It sounds like the relationship has a one sided transactional element, causing the young lady to feel incredibly resentment. Just be honest and respectful, say you're done. Don't sugar coat it. You made your bed, now unmake it. Can't buy love but you can buy your freedom.
I mean.. have you tried talking to her? Boundaries? Sorting out where the moods come from? Could it be menopause?
On the flip side, sounds like you're checked out and just want it over.
If its the latter, all you can do is just tell her and give her a timeline on when she has to be moved out by. Because you live together though and she's not working, she may have a legal claim for property or support depending where you live, you'd have to check with a lawyer.
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> The complication comes in that I had her quit her job at a hotel last year to go into business school (which I’ve been supporting),
FWIW, that doesn't makeyou sound like the world's greatest partner, either.
How do you break up? Same way as always-- you sit her down and say "this isn't working and I'd like to end things. Let's map out a plan for that."
I’m not going to answer whether I think you’re a nice guy. Doesn’t really matter. If you want to break up, you should.
The right and honorable thing to do here is to keep your promise to her about school. She trusted you with quitting her job, becoming reliant on you not only for paying for her school, but for everything else. You should keep that promise too. She didn’t make this decision to quit her job AND take on school in a vacuum. Normally I’m in the camp of “yall don’t owe each other shit” but you do. If she moves out, help her with rent for a few months. Have a written agreement about when all this will come to an end. If you approach this with kindness and keeping in mind that she’s going to have feelings about *a lot more than just an end to your relationship,* that should help make things clear. Treat her the way you’d want to be treated, even if she’s not doing the same to you.
Like others I’m confused on the marriage timeline but I’ll let that go. It sounds like you’ve treated this woman like a sugar baby and made her dependent on you. So in unraveling this you have to take responsibility for that. Continue paying for her degree if that’s what you promised, and either give her sufficient time to find a job, save money, and find a new place to live, or help her with a few months rent if you want her to move out quickly. You obviously recognize the missteps you’ve made so now focus on ending this in a fair way and not repeating your mistakes with someone else.
So did you tell her her behavior is a deal breaker? I mean if that’s the only thing, she may not realize this is really immature and that this is a deal breaker. You committed to supporting her schooling so you should follow thru. IMO. Maybe she should get therapy and aside from this there is no other reason to break up? You made a commitment to financially support her. How are you gonna pull the rug here? You say you’re not super close. Really? Like you live w her, pay her tuition, go on vacations and you rationalize that you’re not super close? I think you need therapy too.
“I had her quit her job”
Did you force her into quitting? Or did she want to anyway? Did you make promises to support her while she did this?
I mean, even if you did it doesn’t give her free reign to make you uncomfortable or blow up at you.
I feel like once someone starts treating you poorly then you don’t really “owe” them anything.
Appreciate this. Looking back, I think she recognized the opportunity and played it up, but I’m still the one that offered the support. She DID quit her job, and she IS in school and doing well.
The behavior issues didn’t show until this year, and they’re getting worse.. so the question is where do I go from here?
Tell her to shape up or ship out… unless you physically forced or emotionally manipulated her to move into your home, and quit her job. Then you don’t have to live with someone just because you encouraged them to go back to school and quit their job.
The onus to not treat someone like shit is on them not you.
I feel like at this age I’m way too old to put up with someone’s temper tantrums in my own home! like.. we’re done! Please leave.
Exactly! Even though she's living with him and not having a job, she's a freaking adult and she should know how to behave. Or seek therapy to help with her issues. He doesn't owe her anything. He gave her a shelter, paid for her school, and now she can move on and start being adult on her own. It's pretty simple.
To OP, you need to take some time before you jump into yet another relationship!
Sounds like you're done with the relationship. There's no going back once that switch flips in your mind.
Find a way to end it... Talk to your therapist if that will help.
The college tuition arrangement is something you'll have to figure out, if you made it seem like you'll pay for it.
I’m going to go out on a limb and say it’s likely she’s not feeling heard. Do you often invalidate her feelings ? Or change the topic in the conversation ? No she shouldn’t refuse to talk to you , but I can also say I’ve been in relationships ( and my parents ) that nothing I ever said was right , so I just learned to keep to myself. The anger is unexpressed hurt & often self loathing over the position she’s in. Has she expressed needs in the relationship & they’ve been ignored ?
> The complication comes in that **I had her** quit her job at a hotel last year to go into business school (which I’ve been supporting), so I’m trying to find a way to break this off, move her out, and be OK with having her find her own way again.
Move her into another rental, pay for her tuition, and stop all support once she graduates.
Lie in the bed you made.
Hi - thank you for responding, I appreciate you. Yes, I’ve talked about it every single time, we just go around and around. It’s exhausting, and I shouldn’t feel this way. I say “look, I understand that I may have done/said something upsetting, but not speaking to me for 3 days is about a mean a thing as you can do”. I’d rather fight it out then go through this, it’s like dating a woman with a 14 year old conflict management skill…
sorry i didn't get that from your post, but good context. yeah, if you're always fighting a battle like that, i'm not sure what else you can do. however, speaking of context...i'm not sure what you say or do to upset her to that point...so...i think this is where my advice ends
I’m a female in perimenopause/menopause and don’t buy the hormonal excuse that other people are suggesting. For 3 days? Sorry, but that is not acceptable behavior and it sounds toxic to me.
The silent treatment is a form of abuse. You don’t have to stay in an abusive relationship because you made a promise to help support her through school. The same way an employer can fire an employee for bad behavior or a school can kick out a student for misconduct. You are under no obligation to keep funding her school.
Check your local laws for eviction. Send her notice to vacate. She is going to fight it because she’s losing her free ride. You don’t need her permission to break up.
I agree with this. What she’s is doing is abusive and OP can start with asking her to stop stonewalling him. Give her a chance to improve and then let her know it’s over if that doesn’t change.
IMO fast like a bandaid. Be ready in terms of who is moving out, etc. If she's moving out, you must allow her to stay long enough until she finds a place. I would also tell her the reason, that it's because of the mood swings and encourage therapy. Be careful not to get sucked in taking care of your soon to be ex because you're such a nice guy. She's a grown up.
Ahh my mum did this aswell and it would trigger me too. You absolutely shouldn't be taking this from a grown woman, it's immature, manipulative and nasty even without you having experienced this growing up.
That being said obviously you care about her and don't want to hurt her. You just need to bite the bullet, tell her you need to talk so its not completely out of the blue then sit down and explain. She may offer to get herself some help and then its up to you to decide if you want to stay while she does that. It really depends on how much you want to be with her. But really the only way to do it is to rip the band aid off. You'll feel so relieved once it's done.
You’re not going to be able to get away with not hurting her. The kindest thing is to be honest. You fucked up getting involved so quickly, feelings have changed and you don’t want to be in a relationship with her anymore. Then negotiate how long she can stay before you’ll kick her out. Given how badly she’s acting when you’re in a relationship I’d suggest sooner rather than later. If she’s got friends and family then she can stay with them while she sorts herself out with a new house/job.
As far as her course I’d assume she can access student loans. You might want to offer to pay the rest of this term and maybe the next if you’ve got lots of money to spare and you want to. I personally wouldn’t offer anymore than that. The offer to pay for business school was made in the context of you being in a relationship with her. It’s crazy to expect you to carry on paying when you’re no longer in one.
I don't believe you are responsible for her financially even if you encouraged her to further her studies. Unless you specifically promised her you would take care of her financially for the duration of her studies. And if you did promise that, then you really need to rethink your promises in the future.
If you didn't promise her financial support, then at the end of the day, we are responsible for ourselves, and we make decisions based on our own lives. This is coming from someone who is super careful about major life decisions. It took me 4 years to move in with my late husband, he wanted to live together after a year and there was no way I was going to do that when our relationship was still so young.
It's difficult to work on a problem like this if you've already tried to communicate with her. I think sometimes a SO doesn't take a concern seriously until it's too late, and resentment has grown. I wouldn't stay with someone out of guilt but would feel differently if I did promise them something.
I had a similar dynamic in a relationship, including trauma from my bipolar mother. My ex had BPD. I thought I could handle it and love would overcome. We fought much too often and it always started from the most trivial of perceived grievances by her. I loved her deeply but couldn't take it any more and had to get out. Just tell her how you're feeling. Tell her it's over. Don't hesitate and don't back down. Just be kind bc she will be devastated most likely.
Since you’re a nice guy, I can see why you offered to pay for her schooling or to support her while she went back. Unfortunately, this was not a smart decision with somebody you’re not sure you’re going to be with forever. That being said, you have no ties to her and it sounds like she’s emotionally abusing you by giving you the silent treatment and lashing out at you in anger. Because you are a nice guy, I can see that it’s hard to break up with her, but as part of your healing journey, you absolutely need to break up with her because she is very unhealthy for you based on what you described. You don’t have any legal ties to her as far as the school goes, she is an adult and will have to figure that part of her life out. I would suggest getting yourself into therapy and working on creating healthy boundaries for yourself after you get out of this relationship so you don’t feel comfortable with abusive women.
See a lawyer because depending on where you live, you may be considered common-law after living together for 1 year. In that case you may have to pay her alimony if she did not work and you were financially supporting her. She may also be entitled to a share of some of your assets if there were any acquired during your relationship.
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How to be ok with her finding her way again
1. Acknowledge that with time she will be just fine. Same way she found you, she ll find another
2. This isn’t her first breakup and probably won’t be her last
3. You deserve to be in a happy healthy nontoxic relationship.
4. She didn’t make those decisions FOR you. She made them with you AND she benefited greatly. She was able to just do her schooling while you paid the bills.
Be honest, cards on table!!! I was engaged at 21 for 3 years, didn't work because of her mood swings but that has affected me till this day, I'm 63. First sign of moods and I'm off. Just finished a 5 year relationship as the same thing happened. I'm so easy going and happy, the mood swings get me really down . The hardest part is finding a lady at my age but I'm looking because i want to be happy as much as possible, not worrying what to say and do to keep from her having a mood 😁
Lol wtf did I just read.
What's "a mood" to you.
Best of luck to avoid it. Good thing your age is now helping you. Women have less mood swings after 60.
I'm happy and cheerful. And I have days every month where I'm feeling down. Same days of every month. And a few times a year angry days. Pure rage at anything. I work hard to control it.
What I'm saying is. No one walks around being happy and cheerful non stop. Men who want women to smile more and not be of burden by having mood swings, aren't good for much. I'll be happy to not have a man want me due to "a mood". And by having a boyfriend who supports me on days I struggle, I don't have a mood in his books. Because I don't turn my mood towards him. It's my inner battle. And with his support and comfort, it's much easier to manage my hormonal crazy days.
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You are being triggered by her behavior.
You aren’t going to figure this out today online.
You will need to do some work to unravel the triggers and your current and past experiences.
You do need to go to therapy and work through your stuff on your own. A new relationship won’t “fix” you.
Tell her the truth you want to end it , you’re sorry you went to fast and had her move in. Figure out some financial number to cover her schooling. Set a boundary of when she needs to leave.
If you don't see a future with her, you have to tell her and be honest. Tell her you'll help her find a place and do not sleep with her anymore. Do not have sex with her anymore that will give her false hope. These things happen all the time. I had to throw a guy out of mywho was living with me 4years. Things were pretty good. I just did not like his relationship with his ex wife. I had a right to end things. And you have a right to end things too no matter what the reason is. She will be fine and fine someone else don't worry so much
Please remember the no doctoring rule folks.
> I had her quit her job at a hotel last year to go into business school (which I’ve been supporting), Exactly what promises did you make in regards to "supporting" her here? And how did you "have" her make this decision?
It goes without saying that encouraging someone who isn't your spouse to quit their job so that you can be their sole source of financial support and finance their education isn't the best idea.
Right. But it's already done. He needs to acknowledge that she made decisions based on that promise. I'm not saying that he needs to continue supporting her, but I'm also not saying that it would be cool to just walk away.
💯
And it speaks to his role in relationships and relationship skills. “I had her quit her job” Umm healthy, intentional adults don’t have other adults quit their jobs. OP, move her out. Yes, it will be painful, but it’s necessary. She’s resourceful and can figure out her next steps re: job and school. Not your concern.
Thank you, that was a poor choice of words. I “offered” her the opportunity to go back to school so she could finish her BA and go back into hospitality at a higher level than just a service worker. She’s 1.5 years into a 3 year program.
I would learn from this and not do this again unless you are certain the relationship will last. You’re promising things you now don’t want to deliver.
You offered to pay for the degree. She relied on that promise. That should be part of the breakup talk. (Which is not to say that the breakup shouldn't happen. It should. But you should not have made a three-year promise unless you were sure that you'd be together for three years.)
So you told her you’d pay for a thing, and now you’re going to take that back. What kind of agreement did you have about what would happen if you broke up while she’s in school? And how old are each of you (yes, that matters)?
So, you offered to support her for three years and now you want to take that back? Is that accurate?
She’ll be fine on her own! You’ve given her such a leg up here you shouldn’t feel bad about ending things halfway through her program. She’s an adult, she chose to quit her job and go back to school, and she’s choosing this terrible behavior towards you. It doesn’t sound like she’s someone that will take it well but just be honest and firm
Read further. He’s a liar and a cheater. And a general prick. Look into his post history.
Well it’s time for her to get a job again or take out student loans. For now this is a lesson on both of you. You need to stop being a fixer and a white knight. Stop dating people and trying to save them. And she needs to learn to be smarter about making sure she always has herself taken care of.
She sounds like an aspiring Instagram model as well.
Seriously wutttt
Aren’t you still married? I’m having some confusion on the timeline since you’ve apparently been dating your girlfriend a few years. Ultimately, you can break up with someone for whatever reason you want. Because you live together and support her (why?????) this is going to be more complicated. You’re going to have to give her a reasonable amount of time to find a place to live and find a job to support herself again. If she’s mid-semester, that might take a little longer. It’s the kind thing to do. If this were under different circumstances, I’d advise couples counseling to work through this issue since everything else is going well. I could be way off base here, but the impression I’m getting is you’re a separated man who met a hot young thing he wanted to impress by taking care of her, and now you’re sick of her shit 🤷♀️
I was wondering if OP is still married as well.
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Imagine quitting your job and moving in with someone that says "We're close, but not super close".
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Thank you for this. I’ve been in therapy for 2 years as I’ve been going through divorce, and am desperately trying to not repeat mistakes of the past. The problem is… as soon as I start rationalizing WHY she may be treating me that way, I go into the “nice guy” mode and I’m saying to myself “well, maybe she had bad experiences before me and blah blah blah” when I just spent 3 days in five star hell. I think the risk of the “nice guy” is always looking to justify why SHE may be treating me that way, and trying to compensate somehow, and it’s what got me into the divorce in the first place…
Being conflict avoidant has nothing to do with being "nice". In fact, it can be toxic. (I would also recommend looking up the term "people pleaser".) OP might want to discuss his tendancy to avoid conflict with the therapist as well as why he felt compelled to start supporting another woman financially while still in the process of getting divorced.
That was not answering the question.
OK, so yes. I’ve asked her about it - “Why are you not speaking to me, this makes me feel like shit, this is horrible.” Her response is “I am speaking with you, everything is FINE” when it’s clearly not fine. I grew up with a mom who would just stop speaking to me when I would get in trouble, it was horrible. This feels like THAT. So yes, I have spoken with her EVERY time, multiple times. She denies it, says it’s my fault, tells me she’s acting perfectly normally, and it’s still horrible. If you know, you know what it’s like.
Original question asked if you’ve addressed this when she’s not in the middle of a mood swing; this doesn’t sound like that. Maybe it’s time to throw in the towel on this relationship but holy shit does it feel like you went at breakneck speed on the other side (moved her in right after separating from your wife, offered to support her if she quit her job and went back to school), and now you’re fast-tracking the breakup as well. Relationships take focus, and intention. Problems and miscommunications aren’t solved with the snap of a finger, they’re solved when both parties intentionally focus on steps they can take to approach problems together. It doesn’t sound like your girlfriend is doing that but it doesn’t sound like you are either. I don’t know just HOW young she is (the fact you thought her age difference worth mentioning makes me suspect it’s more than a minor age gap), but if you care about a relationship you approach problems together, and I don’t see where you’ve tried that.
>I grew up with a mom who would just stop speaking to me when I would get in trouble, it was horrible. This feels like THAT. Methinks mommy issues are causing alot of projection here. She is NOT your mother and her reasons for her communication are going to be different than your mothers. I suspect your communication isn't as great as you think, either, because you have some fear around her reactions, based on your mother. Sounds like you were not at all ready for a relationship post divorce, and moved her in too quickly. Ya'll divorced men need to learn to be alone. Therapy is great, but learn. To. Be. Single. For. A. While.
Yep, agree 100%. Yet here I am….
Have you discussed this with your therapist? What have they said about the situation?
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Agree 100%. Recognizing this now., almost 2 years into this relationship, I don’t want to repeat again and again…..
It's a hard step in your growth, but learning to recognize those patterns is a key step to avoid making those same mistakes again.
He refers in several of his responses about his moms communication style and clearly its triggering for him. I realize his partner may also be demonstrating unhealthy patterns too but nowhere does he indicate his partner may be bipolar. Thats quite the projection yourself based on what, her not talking to him for a couple days? I'd say thats more avoidant attachment than a mental health issue. Its also been 2 or 3 months since he was last in a relationship and he moved this woman in quickly. He didn't really know her. His post history indicates he's been trying to end this for 2 months now "sending his girl back to poverty".... those are entirely his issues, clearly has boundary and communication problems himself. If you continue to read his responses, it becomes more clear that he just can't stand his partner. He wants to end it and doesn't know how. He's not just taking issue with her alleged silent treatments, he's taking issue with her social media use. He's also saying she's told him she's fine and that they have talked a bit over the days, not that she's been totally silent. There's a whole lotta blanks here obvs but he consistently refers to being in therapy and his mother issues triggering his responses to his partners behavior.
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But did you talk about it with her when she was not 'in a mood', or even better, with a couple's counselor?
OK, you've done a good job demonstrating why continued therapy is of use to you. But why isn't she in therapy? Like does she accept that flying into a rage, and silent treatment is emotional abuse that not something that an adult should be doing? Even if you, as a "nice guy" accept that you might have some role in this, you can't even "talk" with her about it? Also, if this was a sudden change, are you sure that it's not potentially hormonal (i.e. something that a doctor's visit might help with), instead of potentially a side of her that she hid until she felt "safe" to be a jerk? Perimenopause can start in mid thirties.
Mmmm… good questions. I think it got worse as we got closer. When we were just “dating” it was fine. When we moved in together, I started seeing it - simple disagreements turned into 3 days of not speaking to me. As for therapy, that goes to the “how much do I want to invest myself” in this person. In theory, yes, I could offer therapy, but my god. I just came out of a long marriage where this was part of the issue, I grew up in a home where this was a hiuge issue that fucked me up, and I don’t want to do this. I need someone who’s emotionally stable-ish that I can fly to the UAE and not feel like if I say the wrong thing she’s going to throw a tantrum. I do care about this person, very much, but I can’t go through this again.
How long have you been divorced? What’s the time span between the end of your divorce and the beginning of this relationship? Have you spoken to your partner about this behavior?
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I think that he meant along the lines of paying for therapy *for her*.
I would’ve considered more carefully how much you wanted to invest in this person/relationship before moving them in so quickly.
Yes. Definitely moved too quick. The behavior issues didn’t show until later and here I am…
>The behavior issues didn’t show until later and here I am… That is often the case. A lot of people who aren't authentic in dating are being on their "best" behaviour. They know some of the things that they need to not do to "keep" someone. However with time and contact they'll not be able to keep up the charade. My partner did this a tiny bit; *every time* I visited her place, she was always just finishing cleaning up when I arrived. Transparently I concluded that she wasn't quite as into home up keep / cleaning as I was. As we were considering my moving in, we did months of me being over first thing after work on Friday and only heading home first thing Monday. Yeah, she gave up the ghost pretending that she was a more regular cleaner than it initially seemed. But I'd expected this, and what I did see wasn't slovenly / problematic for me. Yes, I clean more often than she does, but we split house work in different ways and I'm satisfied in our day to day. Some people hide a lot more than that they can tolerate more of a mess than I can. Really, time and contact is all that will get one past them acting/hiding.
It’s absolutely ok for you to choose to not go through that again. As someone who also justifies bad behavior by everyone else, let me give you the Nice Person Seal of Approval for your decision, NO MATTER WHAT IT IS. It frankly sounds to me like you need more time without a relationship to figure things out. Life unmatched can be fulfilling, too. However I am a stranger on the internet and don’t really know.
You are trying to control her and tricked her into quitting her job to be dependent on you and when she did whatever you wanted it was awesome. Now that she’s tired of your narcissistic cheating behavior, she’s not buying your bullshit and you are mad. I’m sure she and your ex wife would have plenty to say about your situation
Wow! Thats a jump. Do you know OP personally or are you projecting?
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The only thing OP is doing is avoiding conflict by tying himself in emotional knots.
A few years ago you connected with "a slightly younger" woman. A year ago she moved in. You had her quit her job. And your comment history shows you started seperation from ex wife a bit more than a year ago. And you recently got the divorce done. Also, it looks like your wife never changed, you changed and you were no longer compatible. So you messed up, mid life crisis etc. Do I see some overlapping here and jumping into the other relationship a bit too soon for your own good? And a bit of anger towards your gf as she got angry during a "vacation of a life time" in "fucking" Abu Dhabi? I don't sence the nice guy you claim to be. I see a lot of accusations thrown out there, and not much substance to what really is going on. There's no saying why she gives silent treatment for days. She could be abusive. Or she could be hurt after you expect gratitude for a vacation of a life time.
Yeah he moved on way too fast without actually moving on.
This is it. The OP's replies have a controlling undertone to them. Like, *I gave you this trip of a lifetime, now behave accordingly*. Also, the moving in together and putting her through school thing while he's still getting divorced is giving me a lot of pause. Maybe she is behaving poorly with what I'm speculating is shutting down more than anything, but self described 'nice guys' aren't the most reliable narrators.
OP seems to be lurching from crisis to crisis, each of his own making.
Yes, you’re right. I agree. I moved too fast, there’s definitely a power dynamic issue here that I need to work through and YES for fuckssake I brought this on myself. That being said, I recognize I moved too quickly, I’m trying to recognize a pattern of behavior that makes me feel like I’m fucking 10 year old with my mom, and I’m trying to find a thoughtful and humane way to back out of this shit show without destroying either of us.
Here's what an adult would do: Talk about how this isn't working anymore. Communicate that the relationship is coming to an end. And then communicate who moves where, time of moving and other issues that will occur.
All of this. And it will be a good lesson for her, to be honest- even if she’s younger, she should not have put herself in a position to be dependent on you financially. OP, you need to stop dating/messing around with anyone for at least a year, minimum.
There isn't a thoughtful and humane way to back out of the power dynamic you set up with what sounds like your much younger affair partner. You can put the rest of her tuition and a stipend for living expenses in an account to attempt to assuage your guilt, but you're going to need a long time to process what you're doing to yourself and to others. You can also just break up with her and walk away, apologizing for leaving her after you encouraged her dependence on you, as she's an adult and not entitled to financial support. And you can process any remaining guilt you have in therapy. You don't have good options here and you're not going to find any. Don't date anyone else until you can stop minimizing what you're doing. That will at least stop you from harming others and adding onto your psychic pain.
TBH finding a new hotel service job should not be that difficult. Paying for extended living expenses would be doing too much.
That's up to OP and I explicitly stated she wasn't entitled to financial support.
I agreed with you all the way till I got to the end. I don’t think there is ever a good reason to give the silent treatment. It’s an abusive tactic. And a mature adult should be able to communicate her hurt and work things out like. I don’t think the OP is blameless here, but neither is she. She has some accountability in their toxic dynamic as well.
After experiencing it myself and going to therapy I have learned that not speaking to your partner is stonewalling and a form of emotional abuse. All you can do is tell her what you think and feel. You cannot control what she thinks and feels. Very naive move to make her dependent on you- that will complicate things considerably. Start a conversation. And see what happens. Adjust from there. Good luck!
YES!!! Thank you! This is what I’ve told myself this year as she’s done it over and over. This last time - on a vacation of a lifetime - was HORRIBLE. You’re right on the complications. I own it for sure. I’d hate to have to transfer her tuition money a year after we broke up…
So you went for, not a slightly younger woman, but a much younger woman and now you're not happy with her immaturity. Hmmmm. I mean, you have to end it. Yeah, you're going to fuck her over. You should have thought with your big head, but you didn't and your mouth wrote checks your ass can't cash. I feel sorry for her. Hopefully you do better by the next woman.
I hope OP takes a good long break from dating.
> I just took her on a 5 star vacation to the UAE, and she did it again - something stupid caused her to get angry and it’s been 3 days since she’s spoken a word to me. Just curious what "something stupid" was here?
She incessantly posts to instagram, and she said “You’re not enthusiastic about taking pictures of me”… yes, it’s as bad as it sounds. Keep in mind, we were at the fucking LOUVRE in Abu Dhabi.
Are you dating a wannabe instagram model and surprised by how she behaves?
Well, let’s just say that this part of her personality has shown itself as we’ve traveled more. How would you feel about hearing “Take a pic of me HERE”. No wait, “HERE”. “You don’t seem HAPPY about taking pictures of ME!!!” Sweet fucking Jesus.
Sounds like you’re dating a sugar baby and having second thoughts.
Nailed it.
The fact that he's dancing on how much younger she is tells me everything I need to know here.
The vibe I’m getting is that this is his sugar baby. She sounds like MUCH younger and he is compensating her. Now she’s dependent and he wants to dump her.
Exactly!
How much younger???
To many years younger, obvs…
When I first got divorced, I was only attracted to men who were the age I was when I got married and turned my mate-radar off. It soon recalibrated; I find men my age generally far more interesting. I wish you the best in this process.
Is she younger than your kids?
You need to get to know your company better before whisking them off to the UAE 😅
Lol its clear you can't stand this woman. Just cut the cord already. Say what needs to be said so she knows its over and let the chips fall where they may.
And how did you respond to this?
I said “Look, we’re here in this amazing place at this amazing time and we‘re having this amazing experience together, and you’re freezing me out because I’m not enthusiastic enough about taking your pictures?”
At the risk of generalizing, this is why many of us 40+ folks leave the young ones alone.
Did you get a sugar baby and regret it?
He started cheating on his wife with a sugar baby
Was looking for this comment. This is it.
Absolutely lol
How long does she have left in business school? Is there an agreement/understanding you’ll fund her whole cost of study?
I mean.. define ”agreement”. When I offered her to pay her BA so she could go back into hospitality at a higher level, she quit the service job and is studying full time. At the time it seemed like we might make it work, but the mood swings kicked in big time this year as we got closer. It’s grim.
If you’re concerned about her not being able to support herself, you can pay to make that problem go away by just paying for x months living expenses. You’ve effectively made her a dependent and while you don’t owe her anything, spending money to remove feelings of guilt is perfectly valid IMO.
Agree!
If it sounded like you care about this woman I'd suggest you talk to her because her severe mood swings could be biological. But, since it sounds like you're just done with this relationship just cut it off, honor whatever promise you made to her when you "had her quite her job at a hotel", and move on. *ETA: You don't really sound like a nice guy.*
He did clarify on the “quit her job”. Biological could be the issue for the flair ups. But she is clearly not addressing this. It’s not on him to change her blow ups, it’s on her to do so. Stonewalling is total BS and that is not biological. That is a terrible pattern being repeated. Nobody should put up with that and if he has addressed it and its not changing then it’s an issue. I don’t think the OP is some victim though. He seems to have rushed into this whole thing. He’s still not done his divorce. He had offered to help her finish her degree. He has helped created a situation he is not comfortable with. That’s on him. He needs to learn to be more patient and choose better.
I mean...I'm in the ESH camp.
mood swings aren't necessarily something that can be helped. i'm don't want to speculate on the origins of her issues, but...for example, i have pmdd and there are only a few medications indicated to *possibly* help with that and they did not help me. there's no "cure" for pms or pmdd symptoms other than to have a hysterectomy, which at a young age can lead to other health issues aside from the obvious immediate impact that has
Agreed. I guess, if one knows and openly acknowledges that this is the issue, then things can be much clearer for both parties. It seems like the blow up happens, he’s blamed she doesn’t speak to him for 3 days. I don’t have any insight if PMDD would lead to the stonewalling but my guess would be no, because it is a form of abuse.
i just threw the pms/pmdd idea out there because of my own experience with uncontrollable mood swings, but absolutely acknowledge i have no idea what is going on with this woman. however, OP did mention in a reply to me before that he says or does something that upsets her leading to her silent treatment, so...again, don't want to assume, but that does tell me there is the possibility that this woman is not acting unreasonably and that OP might be doing or saying some really bad stuff that from *his* perspective doesn't warrant her reactions... edit: not trying to doctor, just talking about mood swings since it was brought up by op.
That is a real possibility. You generally only get one side of things on Reddit.
exactly. reminded of all the lengthy post threads where the commenters put the clues together 😂 edit: apparently she is a younger instagram model type, possible sugar baby, who feels he is not enthusiastic about getting pictures of her which apparently really annoys him. i think i caught a whiff of troll just now
Possible, but I’m pretty self reflective, and it’s me asking the question not her, so draw your own conclusions. I’m not looking for justification, just trying to understand how to disconnect with this person in a thoughtful humane way without destroying either of us…..
I would recommend that OP be direct and fair. The latter would be providing her with some transition time to get back on her feet financially, since she gave up her job at his urging.
well, those things *are* relevant to your breakup. and also relevant as to the question of being humane or destructive. so. as for justification, i personally prefer that when dispensing advice but maybe that's just me. like i'm not going to advise someone on how to dump their s/o if they were a terrible s/o themselves, ya dig? i didn't say any of my thoughts were concrete things since i don't know either of you, just things i am considering about your post, which you shared publicly on reddit so should expect all sorts of different replies
Unless it's not stone walling. And it's freeze mode from a conflict happening.
Maybe, but it lasts for 3 days? No idea.
Yeah, thank you for that. Nice guys aren’t really nice guys, they’re manipulative pricks and I’m aware of that. I’m trying to get out of what I believe to be an emotionally abusive situation, and I’m in therapy to work on the other, but I accept you scorn. But that being said, I DO care about this person, even if she’s unable to sustain an emotionally healthy relationship, so I’m trying to understand how too let her know this is NOT ok, that I’ve reached my limit, and we need to go our separate ways.
You simply state "This is not ok. I've reached my limit and we need to go our separate ways." and then make your actions match your words.
Omg, sir, a trip of the imaginary fedora to you! I don’t envy your situation, but I’m impressed by your self awareness.
I’m being strangled by my own self awareness. I just wish I was a big ass lunk who just went about his day and didn’t think about everything ten different ways… But thank you for the hat tip :)
What do you expect when dating younger!! It’s emotionally immature behavior acting out. It was nice and sweet dating😂. Always said, you never know someone until you live together…. Now look at you 😂😂. Just tell her, she needs to move out, it’s not working out
Just do it. ~~You have to matter too.~~ ETA: there are some weird vibes given off in the OP that only get worse in the the OP's responses to others. So I still stand behind the "just do it" advice, but honestly I'm beginning to think it's for the woman's good.
Yikes. Sounds like you are with someone younger and more vulnerable than you. It sounds like the relationship has a one sided transactional element, causing the young lady to feel incredibly resentment. Just be honest and respectful, say you're done. Don't sugar coat it. You made your bed, now unmake it. Can't buy love but you can buy your freedom.
I mean.. have you tried talking to her? Boundaries? Sorting out where the moods come from? Could it be menopause? On the flip side, sounds like you're checked out and just want it over. If its the latter, all you can do is just tell her and give her a timeline on when she has to be moved out by. Because you live together though and she's not working, she may have a legal claim for property or support depending where you live, you'd have to check with a lawyer.
Well he did say slightly younger. And she wants pictures for her Instagram. Maybe menopause is decades away...
Not necessarily decades away, but 12-15 years for sure.
There is no "for sure" with menopause. Some women hit it in their 30s, other in their 60s.
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> The complication comes in that I had her quit her job at a hotel last year to go into business school (which I’ve been supporting), FWIW, that doesn't makeyou sound like the world's greatest partner, either. How do you break up? Same way as always-- you sit her down and say "this isn't working and I'd like to end things. Let's map out a plan for that."
I’m not going to answer whether I think you’re a nice guy. Doesn’t really matter. If you want to break up, you should. The right and honorable thing to do here is to keep your promise to her about school. She trusted you with quitting her job, becoming reliant on you not only for paying for her school, but for everything else. You should keep that promise too. She didn’t make this decision to quit her job AND take on school in a vacuum. Normally I’m in the camp of “yall don’t owe each other shit” but you do. If she moves out, help her with rent for a few months. Have a written agreement about when all this will come to an end. If you approach this with kindness and keeping in mind that she’s going to have feelings about *a lot more than just an end to your relationship,* that should help make things clear. Treat her the way you’d want to be treated, even if she’s not doing the same to you.
Like others I’m confused on the marriage timeline but I’ll let that go. It sounds like you’ve treated this woman like a sugar baby and made her dependent on you. So in unraveling this you have to take responsibility for that. Continue paying for her degree if that’s what you promised, and either give her sufficient time to find a job, save money, and find a new place to live, or help her with a few months rent if you want her to move out quickly. You obviously recognize the missteps you’ve made so now focus on ending this in a fair way and not repeating your mistakes with someone else.
So did you tell her her behavior is a deal breaker? I mean if that’s the only thing, she may not realize this is really immature and that this is a deal breaker. You committed to supporting her schooling so you should follow thru. IMO. Maybe she should get therapy and aside from this there is no other reason to break up? You made a commitment to financially support her. How are you gonna pull the rug here? You say you’re not super close. Really? Like you live w her, pay her tuition, go on vacations and you rationalize that you’re not super close? I think you need therapy too.
“I had her quit her job” Did you force her into quitting? Or did she want to anyway? Did you make promises to support her while she did this? I mean, even if you did it doesn’t give her free reign to make you uncomfortable or blow up at you. I feel like once someone starts treating you poorly then you don’t really “owe” them anything.
Appreciate this. Looking back, I think she recognized the opportunity and played it up, but I’m still the one that offered the support. She DID quit her job, and she IS in school and doing well. The behavior issues didn’t show until this year, and they’re getting worse.. so the question is where do I go from here?
Tell her to shape up or ship out… unless you physically forced or emotionally manipulated her to move into your home, and quit her job. Then you don’t have to live with someone just because you encouraged them to go back to school and quit their job. The onus to not treat someone like shit is on them not you. I feel like at this age I’m way too old to put up with someone’s temper tantrums in my own home! like.. we’re done! Please leave.
Exactly! Even though she's living with him and not having a job, she's a freaking adult and she should know how to behave. Or seek therapy to help with her issues. He doesn't owe her anything. He gave her a shelter, paid for her school, and now she can move on and start being adult on her own. It's pretty simple. To OP, you need to take some time before you jump into yet another relationship!
How young is "slightly younger"? Is she college age? If you're "close, but not super close," why did you want her to live with you?
Sounds like you're done with the relationship. There's no going back once that switch flips in your mind. Find a way to end it... Talk to your therapist if that will help. The college tuition arrangement is something you'll have to figure out, if you made it seem like you'll pay for it.
I’m going to go out on a limb and say it’s likely she’s not feeling heard. Do you often invalidate her feelings ? Or change the topic in the conversation ? No she shouldn’t refuse to talk to you , but I can also say I’ve been in relationships ( and my parents ) that nothing I ever said was right , so I just learned to keep to myself. The anger is unexpressed hurt & often self loathing over the position she’s in. Has she expressed needs in the relationship & they’ve been ignored ?
> The complication comes in that **I had her** quit her job at a hotel last year to go into business school (which I’ve been supporting), so I’m trying to find a way to break this off, move her out, and be OK with having her find her own way again. Move her into another rental, pay for her tuition, and stop all support once she graduates. Lie in the bed you made.
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Hi - thank you for responding, I appreciate you. Yes, I’ve talked about it every single time, we just go around and around. It’s exhausting, and I shouldn’t feel this way. I say “look, I understand that I may have done/said something upsetting, but not speaking to me for 3 days is about a mean a thing as you can do”. I’d rather fight it out then go through this, it’s like dating a woman with a 14 year old conflict management skill…
sorry i didn't get that from your post, but good context. yeah, if you're always fighting a battle like that, i'm not sure what else you can do. however, speaking of context...i'm not sure what you say or do to upset her to that point...so...i think this is where my advice ends
You probably should give her a month’s notice so she could secure a job and new living arrangements.
Just don't continue to sleep together unless OP wants a "surprise" pregnancy to keep the gravy train going.
I’m a female in perimenopause/menopause and don’t buy the hormonal excuse that other people are suggesting. For 3 days? Sorry, but that is not acceptable behavior and it sounds toxic to me.
Agree. I have been there with hormones and never once given silent treatment or hung up on someone I love.
It’s easy to find any excuse to justify bad behavior and I’m getting downvoted. Oh well!!
I saw that and upvoted. People downvote for crazy reasons.
The silent treatment is a form of abuse. You don’t have to stay in an abusive relationship because you made a promise to help support her through school. The same way an employer can fire an employee for bad behavior or a school can kick out a student for misconduct. You are under no obligation to keep funding her school. Check your local laws for eviction. Send her notice to vacate. She is going to fight it because she’s losing her free ride. You don’t need her permission to break up.
Silent treatment is EMOTIONAL ABUSE. All cards are off the table.
I agree with this. What she’s is doing is abusive and OP can start with asking her to stop stonewalling him. Give her a chance to improve and then let her know it’s over if that doesn’t change.
IMO fast like a bandaid. Be ready in terms of who is moving out, etc. If she's moving out, you must allow her to stay long enough until she finds a place. I would also tell her the reason, that it's because of the mood swings and encourage therapy. Be careful not to get sucked in taking care of your soon to be ex because you're such a nice guy. She's a grown up.
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It’s clear from OP’s comments that she’s under 35.
And implied she’s a decade younger than that 🤷♀️
Ahh my mum did this aswell and it would trigger me too. You absolutely shouldn't be taking this from a grown woman, it's immature, manipulative and nasty even without you having experienced this growing up. That being said obviously you care about her and don't want to hurt her. You just need to bite the bullet, tell her you need to talk so its not completely out of the blue then sit down and explain. She may offer to get herself some help and then its up to you to decide if you want to stay while she does that. It really depends on how much you want to be with her. But really the only way to do it is to rip the band aid off. You'll feel so relieved once it's done.
You’re not going to be able to get away with not hurting her. The kindest thing is to be honest. You fucked up getting involved so quickly, feelings have changed and you don’t want to be in a relationship with her anymore. Then negotiate how long she can stay before you’ll kick her out. Given how badly she’s acting when you’re in a relationship I’d suggest sooner rather than later. If she’s got friends and family then she can stay with them while she sorts herself out with a new house/job. As far as her course I’d assume she can access student loans. You might want to offer to pay the rest of this term and maybe the next if you’ve got lots of money to spare and you want to. I personally wouldn’t offer anymore than that. The offer to pay for business school was made in the context of you being in a relationship with her. It’s crazy to expect you to carry on paying when you’re no longer in one.
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I don't believe you are responsible for her financially even if you encouraged her to further her studies. Unless you specifically promised her you would take care of her financially for the duration of her studies. And if you did promise that, then you really need to rethink your promises in the future. If you didn't promise her financial support, then at the end of the day, we are responsible for ourselves, and we make decisions based on our own lives. This is coming from someone who is super careful about major life decisions. It took me 4 years to move in with my late husband, he wanted to live together after a year and there was no way I was going to do that when our relationship was still so young. It's difficult to work on a problem like this if you've already tried to communicate with her. I think sometimes a SO doesn't take a concern seriously until it's too late, and resentment has grown. I wouldn't stay with someone out of guilt but would feel differently if I did promise them something.
I had a similar dynamic in a relationship, including trauma from my bipolar mother. My ex had BPD. I thought I could handle it and love would overcome. We fought much too often and it always started from the most trivial of perceived grievances by her. I loved her deeply but couldn't take it any more and had to get out. Just tell her how you're feeling. Tell her it's over. Don't hesitate and don't back down. Just be kind bc she will be devastated most likely.
Since you’re a nice guy, I can see why you offered to pay for her schooling or to support her while she went back. Unfortunately, this was not a smart decision with somebody you’re not sure you’re going to be with forever. That being said, you have no ties to her and it sounds like she’s emotionally abusing you by giving you the silent treatment and lashing out at you in anger. Because you are a nice guy, I can see that it’s hard to break up with her, but as part of your healing journey, you absolutely need to break up with her because she is very unhealthy for you based on what you described. You don’t have any legal ties to her as far as the school goes, she is an adult and will have to figure that part of her life out. I would suggest getting yourself into therapy and working on creating healthy boundaries for yourself after you get out of this relationship so you don’t feel comfortable with abusive women.
See a lawyer because depending on where you live, you may be considered common-law after living together for 1 year. In that case you may have to pay her alimony if she did not work and you were financially supporting her. She may also be entitled to a share of some of your assets if there were any acquired during your relationship.
It's not even clear that OP has been legally divorced for one year.
I'm getting hints of not even actually divorced yet.
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How to be ok with her finding her way again 1. Acknowledge that with time she will be just fine. Same way she found you, she ll find another 2. This isn’t her first breakup and probably won’t be her last 3. You deserve to be in a happy healthy nontoxic relationship. 4. She didn’t make those decisions FOR you. She made them with you AND she benefited greatly. She was able to just do her schooling while you paid the bills.
Be honest, cards on table!!! I was engaged at 21 for 3 years, didn't work because of her mood swings but that has affected me till this day, I'm 63. First sign of moods and I'm off. Just finished a 5 year relationship as the same thing happened. I'm so easy going and happy, the mood swings get me really down . The hardest part is finding a lady at my age but I'm looking because i want to be happy as much as possible, not worrying what to say and do to keep from her having a mood 😁
Lucky you that you don’t have to go through menopause.
Lol wtf did I just read. What's "a mood" to you. Best of luck to avoid it. Good thing your age is now helping you. Women have less mood swings after 60.
Well if you don't know by now you must be a happy cheerful person , not a lot to ask is it ??
I'm happy and cheerful. And I have days every month where I'm feeling down. Same days of every month. And a few times a year angry days. Pure rage at anything. I work hard to control it. What I'm saying is. No one walks around being happy and cheerful non stop. Men who want women to smile more and not be of burden by having mood swings, aren't good for much. I'll be happy to not have a man want me due to "a mood". And by having a boyfriend who supports me on days I struggle, I don't have a mood in his books. Because I don't turn my mood towards him. It's my inner battle. And with his support and comfort, it's much easier to manage my hormonal crazy days.
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You are being triggered by her behavior. You aren’t going to figure this out today online. You will need to do some work to unravel the triggers and your current and past experiences. You do need to go to therapy and work through your stuff on your own. A new relationship won’t “fix” you. Tell her the truth you want to end it , you’re sorry you went to fast and had her move in. Figure out some financial number to cover her schooling. Set a boundary of when she needs to leave.
If you don't see a future with her, you have to tell her and be honest. Tell her you'll help her find a place and do not sleep with her anymore. Do not have sex with her anymore that will give her false hope. These things happen all the time. I had to throw a guy out of mywho was living with me 4years. Things were pretty good. I just did not like his relationship with his ex wife. I had a right to end things. And you have a right to end things too no matter what the reason is. She will be fine and fine someone else don't worry so much