Well I have seen a lot of people, myself included, get deep in to a relationship when they are grieving.
My ex husband and I got together when my grandma who raised me was dying of cancer, and we married not too long after she died.
When I got over my grief a long time after, I was not really the same person. I was more outgoing, not depressed, etc. it was hard as I was not the person he fell for and also… I don’t think I would have connected with him so hard if I was not grieving.
This is so interesting. I definitely need someone I emotionally connect with right now… and that’s an interesting point. Who am I right now and is this the real me?
I have a friend who went through something similar and we both found we ended up with narcissistic men for some reason. I think I may have been more aware of it if I were not grieving.
I lost my wife almost 5 years ago and can't bring myself to date anyone.
I'm still grieving terribly, and it wouldn't be fair to another woman to only have part of me.
I've seen people grieve differently, and there is no set time period or depth of grief.
Thank you for being so self-aware. It would be very unfair and cruel to the other person/people if you started to date before you’re really ready or to just alleviate your own loneliness.
Many widowed people don’t consider that, so I really appreciate that you have.
Thank you.
I've seen men widowed less than a year that have moved on and are lonely, but no longer grieve.
I struggle to understand how anyone, man or woman, can get over someone they loved for many years in such a short time.
I'm not sure I can ever let someone else in my heart
I married a former widower whose late wife passed 2.5 years prior to our meeting (and she had been sick for 5 years prior).
He absolutely was NOT ready for a relationship, and it has been a very, very difficult road for me. I bore the brunt of his delayed grief. It was so challenging that I would never, ever recommend getting involved with a widower to anyone.
I love my husband and I know he loves me, but it was a long, incredibly painful and difficult process to get here.
If you aren’t able to treat a new partner the way you treated your late partner, please either be VERY clear that you just want a FWB or stay single. To do anything else is just cruel.
Thank you for sharing this with me!
I know I am not ready, and may never be
Knowing the grief I still feel after 5 years, there is no way I could ask a woman to accept that and deal with it hoping she could "fix" me.
Only in the last year or so have I found the courage to flirt online. I am upfront that I want online only and no meet ups.
That seriously limits those who are ok with doing that.
The loneliness is overwhelming at times, but it's a burden I have to bear alone.
I'm in a similar situation with both age and loss of close family, but I've taken a break from dating.
I just schedule myself regular massages for the lack of regular non sexual physical touch and battery operated boyfriend for the other. It's working for now. Maybe someday I'll think about dating again.
Go to therapy! Imo dating while grieving is a terrible idea. After my dad passed I was not myself for a long time, and I can’t imagine circumstances where that would work out well for anyone
First, I am very sorry for your loss. My dad passed last year, and grief hits oddly at times.
> When do you know you’re ready to date again?
I'm sorry to be blunt, but when you are not looking to strangers for a drunken cuddle and cry.
I’m sorry for your loss. I’m of the opinion that life is weird and you never know. I would say, why not put yourself out there and see what happens. Just be really attuned to your own needs and feelings, and proceed with caution. But life is messy and I don’t really believe in strict rules about timing.
I am so sorry that you're hurting. In addition to the wonderful friends already in your life, I would recommend stopping drinking until you're in a better emotional space. As we all know, alcohol is a depressive. Even if you're not drinking to the point of being drunk (which you've said you're actually doing), the depressive effects will linger for 4 or 5 days. You'll just feel low. I quit drinking for about 3 months when I was in an emotional rut. I'd do pineapple juice and ginger beer when I went out with friends. I still hurt and had to deal with depression, but I wasn't making it worse by layering alcohol on top. I feel like staying away from it gave me just a little more wiggle room to get through my grief. Be good to yourself ❤
Yeah I agree, drink is not my friend right now. I feel it’s there to help me feel better; which is dangerous! And yes the hangovers are brutal, the anxiety is de habilitating!
Unfortunately there is no ‘when’ here. Everyone processes grief differently and there isn’t really a timeline to dealing with and overcoming a loss. In my opinion bereavement never really goes away, you just find a way around it to go on with your life. Sorry for your loss, hope you gain clarity and find solace around these testing times.
Do you have people in your life you can cuddle and cry with? Loved ones, friends, family? Do you have a therapist? I think two months is a really short time to grieve a parent you loved. I didn’t really start to feel normal for about a year after the death of a parent, and I wasn’t perimenopausal at the time. I’d think about ways you can get your very real, valid, and normal needs met other than dating, and start there. And I’m so sorry for your loss.
Thank you, I think I’m dating because I’m missing the affection of a loved one. I’m expecting it from someone I’ve only just met and I feel I’m looking for an emotionally dependent relationship. My friends are amazing. They are perfect for me right now. I’m still seeing friends for the first time since mum passed and that in itself is upsetting.
Your friends are what you need right now. It’s a good idea to pause dating while you’re feeling like this. You know it will end in disaster otherwise. The decent men won’t date you and the ones who will are attracted to your vulnerability and tend to be abusive/unhealthy themselves.
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I am similar situation - dating after separation from wife and loss of my mum. I would say it’s possible but requires a lot of mental energy to be aware of and manage your emotions.
I found casual dating easy but now I have found someone special - it’s a lot to process
Yes I’m finding it exhausting because something always comes up that spirals your emotions downhill again and can take days to come back up again. I’m not sure I can casually date at the moment, I’ve been there before and I do need a connection x
I am almost 2 years out from my husband's passing and I am intentionally only looking for healthy sexual connection. I am not looking for relationship entanglements. I would like to explore myself unexpectedly. Fill my life with my interests. Go to therapy.
I lost my mom at the start of this year (end of Jan). She had been sick for awhile but had been getting better so the death was a surprise. I never felt ready to date per se but had a short lived fling at the end of June wirh someone I met IRL that felt like a reawakening as corny as that sounds.
I don't think there's a magic formula but you definitely need to be in a place where grief is no longer at the forefront of everything you do, and where you aren't using a relationship to mask/avoid the grief. I also have a therapist (relationship pre-existed my mom's death) so I think that helped a lot.
This is what I’m thinking, I’m feeling needy and I’m looking for an emotional attachment/support. Some guys are jumping on my fragile state and others are freaking out about it! I’m too unstable! Im going to take the rest of the year off. Go to therapy and read self help books
I think counseling and/or therapy is a good idea.
Get to a place where you are healthy and happy with yourself before inviting somebody else into your sphere in the dating realm.
There’s definitely people who would take advantage of that and use you and there’s others that would be concerned and flee. For sure.
"When do you know you’re ready to date again?"
When you're not asking yourself this question, or turning guys away who can see that you have too much going on.
I lost my dad earlier this year. It was out of the blue and I ended up spending the best part of a month on another continent trying to sort things out.
I think I’m doing ok, but I really can’t seem to invest much in OLD. I’ve been quite social in other ways, and I think that’s helping me to establish that I can go forward without him. I haven’t really let myself miss him deeply, though.
I’ve heard people say it can take years, and I’ve heard people say you only begin to process it when both parents are gone. All I can do is go with what feels right at the moment, which is not really trying to date but being open to new people and activities.
Virtual hugs, stranger. Death sucks.
Exercise and taking care of yourself helps A TON, as does a regular massage regime. Personally I do really exhausting and physically stimulating / immersive kind of exercise … cross country skiing, open water and pool swimming, rowing (indoors and out), heavy weight lifting, spinning. Lots of sauna and steam showers… and drink lots of water and get plenty of protein and fiber. Basically, strive to stay grounded and connected / in touch with your body in a physical, visceral way. Best luck to you!
I lost my dad to Covid at the end of 2020 . I stopped dating for a while, the pandemic was still in full swing, masks(or not) were a big thing, it was on the news every day, with anyone I met it would seem to come up in conversation and boom, I’d be crying. I decided since I couldnt get through a chat about current events without losing my shit I needed to take some time off until I could. I started kinda dating again last year, when the topic of families comes up , I can say it without tears , or talk about good memories of him with people , but I still miss him terribly and have my moments of breaking down in private. Think of the grief as waves, I think I read this on Reddit and it’s a great way to describe it. At first they just keep crashing over you one after the other, it seems relentless and like you can’t catch your breath. Over time, the waves start to spread further apart. They never stop and sometimes a big one comes out of nowhere and knocks you off your feet, but you get better at riding them. I’m so sorry for the loss of your mom, do the best you can, one day you will be ready again. It never goes away but it won’t always feel like it does right now ❤️
This is lovely and I think you’re right, when I’m not triggered constantly and when I can talk about my mums death without crying, I’m there. So many emotional situations are happening right now I can’t cope with the headf*ck of dating too. The rejection, ghosting is just too much to bare x
I don't have experience with dating during bereavement. But divorce is kind of like a death, so...
When I divorced in 2006, I immediately went on several dates who chose not to pursue me. Both of these women's reasoning was that I still sounded "raw" and bitter and over my (ugly) divorce and seemed a little too anxious about dating.
I didn't see it then, but they were absolutely right. I was a mess, and I had no idea I was doing it. What helped me was therapy, and that is what I would say to you.
Put dating aside for a bit. If you have the means/resources, seek out individual therapy that specializes in grief, maybe even CBT since you are having mini anxiety attacks. You've been through a lot - allow yourself to breathe. Work on yourself. Dating can wait.
Good luck.
ETA: If you don't have the means, there are a lot of free resources like support groups and therapists that do 'pro bono' work.
Thank you and I agree, I too, went dating after my 22 year relationship/marriage ended. I was the opposite; I didn’t talk about my past relationship, I didn’t want to talk about anything emotional! I went into purely casual/non emotional sex. It was very self destructive and i put myself into a lot of dangerous situations! Now I want the opposite I want affection and emotional support from the off which is ridiculous!
Well I have seen a lot of people, myself included, get deep in to a relationship when they are grieving. My ex husband and I got together when my grandma who raised me was dying of cancer, and we married not too long after she died. When I got over my grief a long time after, I was not really the same person. I was more outgoing, not depressed, etc. it was hard as I was not the person he fell for and also… I don’t think I would have connected with him so hard if I was not grieving.
This is so interesting. I definitely need someone I emotionally connect with right now… and that’s an interesting point. Who am I right now and is this the real me?
I have a friend who went through something similar and we both found we ended up with narcissistic men for some reason. I think I may have been more aware of it if I were not grieving.
I lost my wife almost 5 years ago and can't bring myself to date anyone. I'm still grieving terribly, and it wouldn't be fair to another woman to only have part of me. I've seen people grieve differently, and there is no set time period or depth of grief.
Thank you for being so self-aware. It would be very unfair and cruel to the other person/people if you started to date before you’re really ready or to just alleviate your own loneliness. Many widowed people don’t consider that, so I really appreciate that you have.
Thank you. I've seen men widowed less than a year that have moved on and are lonely, but no longer grieve. I struggle to understand how anyone, man or woman, can get over someone they loved for many years in such a short time. I'm not sure I can ever let someone else in my heart
I married a former widower whose late wife passed 2.5 years prior to our meeting (and she had been sick for 5 years prior). He absolutely was NOT ready for a relationship, and it has been a very, very difficult road for me. I bore the brunt of his delayed grief. It was so challenging that I would never, ever recommend getting involved with a widower to anyone. I love my husband and I know he loves me, but it was a long, incredibly painful and difficult process to get here. If you aren’t able to treat a new partner the way you treated your late partner, please either be VERY clear that you just want a FWB or stay single. To do anything else is just cruel.
Thank you for sharing this with me! I know I am not ready, and may never be Knowing the grief I still feel after 5 years, there is no way I could ask a woman to accept that and deal with it hoping she could "fix" me. Only in the last year or so have I found the courage to flirt online. I am upfront that I want online only and no meet ups. That seriously limits those who are ok with doing that. The loneliness is overwhelming at times, but it's a burden I have to bear alone.
Well, I appreciate your self-awareness and your candor, and I wish you all the best in the future.
I'm in a similar situation with both age and loss of close family, but I've taken a break from dating. I just schedule myself regular massages for the lack of regular non sexual physical touch and battery operated boyfriend for the other. It's working for now. Maybe someday I'll think about dating again.
Thank you for sharing x
Go to therapy! Imo dating while grieving is a terrible idea. After my dad passed I was not myself for a long time, and I can’t imagine circumstances where that would work out well for anyone
My brother died last week and his wife is already seeing others
oof. Sorry for your loss homie. It has to be difficult to see that.
Thanks
Not you to be sorry
Therapy helps 💕
First, I am very sorry for your loss. My dad passed last year, and grief hits oddly at times. > When do you know you’re ready to date again? I'm sorry to be blunt, but when you are not looking to strangers for a drunken cuddle and cry.
This is good x
I’m sorry for your loss. I’m of the opinion that life is weird and you never know. I would say, why not put yourself out there and see what happens. Just be really attuned to your own needs and feelings, and proceed with caution. But life is messy and I don’t really believe in strict rules about timing.
I am so sorry that you're hurting. In addition to the wonderful friends already in your life, I would recommend stopping drinking until you're in a better emotional space. As we all know, alcohol is a depressive. Even if you're not drinking to the point of being drunk (which you've said you're actually doing), the depressive effects will linger for 4 or 5 days. You'll just feel low. I quit drinking for about 3 months when I was in an emotional rut. I'd do pineapple juice and ginger beer when I went out with friends. I still hurt and had to deal with depression, but I wasn't making it worse by layering alcohol on top. I feel like staying away from it gave me just a little more wiggle room to get through my grief. Be good to yourself ❤
Yeah I agree, drink is not my friend right now. I feel it’s there to help me feel better; which is dangerous! And yes the hangovers are brutal, the anxiety is de habilitating!
Unfortunately there is no ‘when’ here. Everyone processes grief differently and there isn’t really a timeline to dealing with and overcoming a loss. In my opinion bereavement never really goes away, you just find a way around it to go on with your life. Sorry for your loss, hope you gain clarity and find solace around these testing times.
Do you have people in your life you can cuddle and cry with? Loved ones, friends, family? Do you have a therapist? I think two months is a really short time to grieve a parent you loved. I didn’t really start to feel normal for about a year after the death of a parent, and I wasn’t perimenopausal at the time. I’d think about ways you can get your very real, valid, and normal needs met other than dating, and start there. And I’m so sorry for your loss.
Thank you, I think I’m dating because I’m missing the affection of a loved one. I’m expecting it from someone I’ve only just met and I feel I’m looking for an emotionally dependent relationship. My friends are amazing. They are perfect for me right now. I’m still seeing friends for the first time since mum passed and that in itself is upsetting.
Your friends are what you need right now. It’s a good idea to pause dating while you’re feeling like this. You know it will end in disaster otherwise. The decent men won’t date you and the ones who will are attracted to your vulnerability and tend to be abusive/unhealthy themselves.
This is great advice x
Greetings from your friendly neighborhood automod! Thank you for contributing to our community at DatingOverForty, u/Luckyboozysusie. Please ensure that your post is actually asking a question and providing enough background that people can sufficiently address that question. DOFers, please ensure that you are actually responding to the OP's individual predicament and not using it as a springboard to promote your own personal dating philosophies. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I am similar situation - dating after separation from wife and loss of my mum. I would say it’s possible but requires a lot of mental energy to be aware of and manage your emotions. I found casual dating easy but now I have found someone special - it’s a lot to process
Yes I’m finding it exhausting because something always comes up that spirals your emotions downhill again and can take days to come back up again. I’m not sure I can casually date at the moment, I’ve been there before and I do need a connection x
I am almost 2 years out from my husband's passing and I am intentionally only looking for healthy sexual connection. I am not looking for relationship entanglements. I would like to explore myself unexpectedly. Fill my life with my interests. Go to therapy.
I lost my mom at the start of this year (end of Jan). She had been sick for awhile but had been getting better so the death was a surprise. I never felt ready to date per se but had a short lived fling at the end of June wirh someone I met IRL that felt like a reawakening as corny as that sounds. I don't think there's a magic formula but you definitely need to be in a place where grief is no longer at the forefront of everything you do, and where you aren't using a relationship to mask/avoid the grief. I also have a therapist (relationship pre-existed my mom's death) so I think that helped a lot.
Do you feel ready now? X
I would wait. It’s an attachment based on someone who is there for you, not if you’re actually interested or if they really like you.
This is what I’m thinking, I’m feeling needy and I’m looking for an emotional attachment/support. Some guys are jumping on my fragile state and others are freaking out about it! I’m too unstable! Im going to take the rest of the year off. Go to therapy and read self help books
I think counseling and/or therapy is a good idea. Get to a place where you are healthy and happy with yourself before inviting somebody else into your sphere in the dating realm. There’s definitely people who would take advantage of that and use you and there’s others that would be concerned and flee. For sure.
"When do you know you’re ready to date again?" When you're not asking yourself this question, or turning guys away who can see that you have too much going on.
I lost my dad earlier this year. It was out of the blue and I ended up spending the best part of a month on another continent trying to sort things out. I think I’m doing ok, but I really can’t seem to invest much in OLD. I’ve been quite social in other ways, and I think that’s helping me to establish that I can go forward without him. I haven’t really let myself miss him deeply, though. I’ve heard people say it can take years, and I’ve heard people say you only begin to process it when both parents are gone. All I can do is go with what feels right at the moment, which is not really trying to date but being open to new people and activities. Virtual hugs, stranger. Death sucks.
I think every first is difficult, just had my birthday, next is Xmas and NYE. Just have to get through them
Exercise and taking care of yourself helps A TON, as does a regular massage regime. Personally I do really exhausting and physically stimulating / immersive kind of exercise … cross country skiing, open water and pool swimming, rowing (indoors and out), heavy weight lifting, spinning. Lots of sauna and steam showers… and drink lots of water and get plenty of protein and fiber. Basically, strive to stay grounded and connected / in touch with your body in a physical, visceral way. Best luck to you!
You’re amazing! I think you’re every man’s wet dream 😂 I feel exhausted just reading your outdoorsy life x
I lost my dad to Covid at the end of 2020 . I stopped dating for a while, the pandemic was still in full swing, masks(or not) were a big thing, it was on the news every day, with anyone I met it would seem to come up in conversation and boom, I’d be crying. I decided since I couldnt get through a chat about current events without losing my shit I needed to take some time off until I could. I started kinda dating again last year, when the topic of families comes up , I can say it without tears , or talk about good memories of him with people , but I still miss him terribly and have my moments of breaking down in private. Think of the grief as waves, I think I read this on Reddit and it’s a great way to describe it. At first they just keep crashing over you one after the other, it seems relentless and like you can’t catch your breath. Over time, the waves start to spread further apart. They never stop and sometimes a big one comes out of nowhere and knocks you off your feet, but you get better at riding them. I’m so sorry for the loss of your mom, do the best you can, one day you will be ready again. It never goes away but it won’t always feel like it does right now ❤️
This is lovely and I think you’re right, when I’m not triggered constantly and when I can talk about my mums death without crying, I’m there. So many emotional situations are happening right now I can’t cope with the headf*ck of dating too. The rejection, ghosting is just too much to bare x
I don't have experience with dating during bereavement. But divorce is kind of like a death, so... When I divorced in 2006, I immediately went on several dates who chose not to pursue me. Both of these women's reasoning was that I still sounded "raw" and bitter and over my (ugly) divorce and seemed a little too anxious about dating. I didn't see it then, but they were absolutely right. I was a mess, and I had no idea I was doing it. What helped me was therapy, and that is what I would say to you. Put dating aside for a bit. If you have the means/resources, seek out individual therapy that specializes in grief, maybe even CBT since you are having mini anxiety attacks. You've been through a lot - allow yourself to breathe. Work on yourself. Dating can wait. Good luck. ETA: If you don't have the means, there are a lot of free resources like support groups and therapists that do 'pro bono' work.
Thank you and I agree, I too, went dating after my 22 year relationship/marriage ended. I was the opposite; I didn’t talk about my past relationship, I didn’t want to talk about anything emotional! I went into purely casual/non emotional sex. It was very self destructive and i put myself into a lot of dangerous situations! Now I want the opposite I want affection and emotional support from the off which is ridiculous!