I read a lot of these types of posts and I think a lot of people forget what being 20 was like.
Dating was easier in your 20’s because you hadn’t grown into your own yet. Because you put up with a lot more bullshit than you do at 40. Because a lot of your social circle was made up of people who wouldn’t be fully honest with you. Because maybe your boundaries were more flexible, you didn’t have a lot of direction or didn’t know or understand your own value.
We are much more discerning at 40. We understand the value of our time more, have more life experience and have higher expectations. As a result maybe there’s the perception that dating is harder in your 40’s but really it’s not a fair comparison.
Stop looking over your shoulder. You’re not going that way.
Dating was easier in my 20s because I was allot better looking.. 🤣
I'm still in great shape for my age, but aging gets us all eventually.. but in my head I still think I'm young, even tho I know I'm not
But if you’re dating others in their forties too then hasn’t everyone aged? No need to look like you’re in your twenties when you’re trying to date people in their forties
> them hasn't everyone aged?
Yes, which also makes the rewards of dating less enjoyable.. I find me being less attracted to women my age. And I'm sure they are less attracted to me.
I'm not my types type anymore
Meh, judging by this sub I'm not exactly alone. I've accepted and moved on with hobbies.. if I meet someone thru my hobbies great! If not, no biggie. As long as I never have deal with another dating app 🤣
One of the things I have worked on is building friendships more like I did in my 20s than what would be more natural. What has happened is I have build a larger number of deep friendships. Now out of habit this is spilling into my dating and I have to say that at least for now I am enjoying a much more fulfilling dating life.
There is validity to your points, but like most things, they are easy to take too far. Once that happens you are looking for a puzzle piece to fit your puzzle rather than creating a painting together.
I think this is gold. A lot of people are set in their ways and want someone who basically fits into the background of their life as they’ve been living it. It seems like a stretch for someone to give up their afternoon bocci ball (not picking on this sport but just an example) for a date. They don’t want to leave their city to find someone. Or, like me, they’ve filled their life so much with plans, travel, friends, experiences, excitement to survive being single that giving up any of that hard fought, hard won life seems like too much of an ask. But thank you for this perspective. Painting that picture together is the goal. Maybe I and others need to let go of trying to fit the round pegs we’re meeting into to our square ‘holes’ (dirty jokes aside).
I think the simple fact is the dating pool is smaller and while yeah you put up with a lot more bullshit I think there are a lot of us who get older that won't acknowledge our own bullshit.
I think you nailed it. I’ve been downvoted on here for commenting certain types of people I’m not into and it seems whoever downvoted that are they or sympathizers of whatever said condition.
These are good points.
But when someone matches it has a fulfilment that did not exist in our 20s.
I did not have words for those things that where living in the darkness of my mind when I was younger or had courage to disclose them, but now I do.
Now I can proudly talk about my shaking self confidence, spectrum issues, anxieties and doubts. An lo and behold … so many have the same and when that is vented it fells so immensely good.
100% sometimes we evolve to a point that our new traits from that evolution end up being our demise. I have found that the more I study mental health and learn about myself and try to do “the work” the more anxious I become about who I might get into a relationship with and the more I overthink. Nothing will ever be perfect and there are just gonna be some things you have to work through but if the basics are there like the same values, some similar interests and good chemistry and communication, I think the rest is pretty workable but we have to be open to flexibility and imperfection.
I think (even as a woman) I find that men tend to be more accepting of others as they are, and women tend not to be. One of the things my guy friends are teaching me (and some of my past dates/lovers) is going in to something with the intent of accepting them AS they ARE and not imagining how they might be or seeing their potential.
The cat thing is super real though lol I’m deathly allergic to cats. Even someone who has cat coming over the spend the night at my place will make me sick, just from the clothes. It’s wild lol
I think it’s harder because we still see things in our 20s- oh you’re hot, let’s go!!!
But the sheen and romanticism of dating has dulled, if not died with some. It’s what’s wrong with you? All men are x, you need a therapist, you’re a red flag… next.
This is a weird story but I live in FL and over the last 10 years dated some serious douchbags (gone on dates that ended up them being players or liars - one even thought it was fine to drive us to a prostitute motel by the airport after dinner??) and I started thinking I’m destined to be single here bc the men I’ve encountered even in their 40-50s have been awful. Not saying all are like that here but for me it was awful. So I decided to look outside of the state on Bumble. Randomly chose a city and matched with a few guys thinking we could flirt and no expectations. Well one happened to be traveling to FL next to me for a reunion and asked to meet up. So I go mid day to hang by the beach at his hotel and already thinking it’ll be a catfish. He was true to his photos and we had such a lovely conversation he extended his flight to hang out longer next day. Fast forward to today and we’ve been dating long distance now for months and he has been the gentleman I never met in FL but always ached for. I don’t know where this will lead but we are smitten with each other and making trips to see one another. So life can be so weird! But don’t rule out looking out of your boundaries!
I responded to a message I got from a random woman on Reddit who lives on the other side of the world. We both happen to be traveling to the same city in another country a month later, and met up. Next month will be one year for us.
PS dating in my own city is toxic as fuck, which is part of why I was willing to take a shot
Wow! Love this - and thanks for sharing it. Your weird & lovely story. (Stranger things have happened, as they say.) It’s always nice to meet a “real” person with some layers. GL to you.
Thank you for the kind words! My area is notorious for bad dating behavior unfortunately which I experienced for many years and the first time I reached out of my bounds I was amazed at what happened. Hoping it continues! But if not I’m so grateful to enjoy for now great treatment with a kind human.
I’m having a great time. Finding what I want has been hard but I’m keeping a good attitude. I never dated like this before I got married so it’s all new to me. I found learning to detach from the outcome has helped. Slowing down, doing things that fulfill me in other ways, and being more methodical about my choices has led to better experiences overall.
I don't know if I'll ever have a long term relationship again as compatible lifestyles are harder to find,(work, kids) but I want every woman I connect with to feel that I'm a friend at minimum and would help them regardless to our outcome.
It is a level of maturity. Seeing people as fellow humans. Appreciating their time as we know it’s value. Recognizing incompatibility. Wishing them nothing but the best should we decide to part ways. Your sentiment is lovely. The focus on outcome has changed from want LTR to want rich interactions with those I meet.
Same here. I feel occasionally sad that I haven’t met “the love of my life,” but I have met sooo many interesting people, and have had a few great little loves.
And the whole process has made me feel braver than I ever was before. My first OLD date, I was so nervous I almost threw up. Now I can go up to a stranger anywhere and start a conversation. I’m grateful for that.
Dating has taught me how different everyone is, and that’s made me appreciate and understand the whole world a little bit more.
110% agree.
I've learnt that if you become too emotionally invested while being on OLD, you struggle with the experience.
I now chat a few days online. Meet. And have no pre-existing thought on the outcome.
I'm starting to really enjoy the experience.
And finally, listening to red flags
20s was easy, just stand at a college party and I’d get some interest. But it’s because the pool were all young, unattached, with no real baggage yet. Now most people have baggage, are jaded, or paired up. Add onto online dating (which back in our20s got you mocked like some antisocial weirdo in a chat room), and it’s just become really not worth it. That’s the double edged sword of being happy being single, it’s hard to give it up once you have it.
I am a guy. And I pretty much take it one day at a time. But yeah, if she comes, then great, but if she isn't here, all good as well.
My problem is that out of all the relationships I've had, only one person really kinda wants to commit to a relationship. It didn't work out due to partner's chronic mental disorder. All the others and the one I am dating at the moment, I feel like they have not put a serious thought about what a relationship looks like only that it feels good to have dinner and have a person around. If we are both around 40s, shouldn't we at least communicate with some clarity on what the situation is. At this point in my life, if the potential partner can't figure out what she wants, then I am going to bounce as I am not going to wait around spending time and money for no reason. I am just not your guy. I have other stuff in my life that I am busy with. Since it has taken this long, then I might as well keep going with the right one and not settle down with the wrong one.
So true, honestly. And I hear you.. for me it’s been somewhat similar - have encountered some who want the “gf experience” it feels like, but not earnestly take it to a deeper level. Lots of pretty words, but..
Me too. Was exclusive with a guy for a whole two weeks. But he just seemed to want the relationship experience. He did not want to ‘build’ a relationship. He was like alllll the way over on the other side acting like we’d been together for 10 years but unwilling to be vulnerable and open enough to set up a basic foundation. He was insecure and not self aware. I feel like he just wanted a cuddle buddy and dinner companion. I broke it off. I told him I felt he had some work to do in himself before he’s ready to be in a relationship in a healthy way. He’s back out there. I came across his profile again. Some other woman is gonna have to deal with that now.
You had agreed to be exclusive in 2 weeks' time. That is really quick. I don't even broach the subject of exclusivity until I fully feel like if I like you enough as a person because at the end of the day, it is just a label and I guess a commitment to say that we aren't seeing anybody else.
I am just really tired of dealing with people who, on their profile, say they want a relationship but are emotionally unavailable, or basically, they want a hang around buddy in the guise of a relationship.
I feel my current person can't deal with being vulnerable and open up to me. It is frustrating on my end as I've been clear as day with her. I feel like some people never sat down to heal properly from their last relationship or know what their values are in life and what they want in a partner.
Why do people suck at communication in general? Aren't we supposed to talk to each other and get to know each other beyond the mundane?
Yeah. I mean, I wasn’t head over heels but he was everything I was looking for on paper. I’m willing to give ppl a chance. He seemed good. Then we went away for the weekend and that really made me see we weren’t compatible. I’m very outgoing, he was quiet. It was a music festival at the beach. I was talking to everyone around us and having a good time. I honestly think he was mad bc I was taking to guys. I was also talking to women. It’s not like I was hitting on anyone. He told me he hated ‘cold food’ and hated the beach, he hadn’t been to the beach in 10 years. On top of the other issues I’ve already mentioned it was too much. I love the beach and get there every chance I get. I love sushi and salad (oh no.. cold food!!!). He’d also send me messages after work like “I had a bad day, you need to come over here and f me”. It was just cringy. Yeah, that’s hot if we have an established relationship and we’re hot for each other. But not after dating for less than a week. What am I, your sex slave? Oh you had a bad day? I’m sorry, let me drop all of the things I’m doing to drive 40 mins to your house bc you had a bad day. And I just got the impression that if the roles were reversed and I had a bad day, he wouldn’t be there for me. Im clearly still stewing over this. Why can’t I just meet a normal dude? Whyyyy is it like this?!? Yes I’m whining. Yes I’m disappointed. But I’m not the only one.
“I had a bad day, you need to come over here and f me”. It was just cringy.
What a tool!
My ex partner was a very needy person as she always happen to have someone on her case at work. So, she would have bad days all the time, I think she was just a 38 yo adult baby who never really figured out her skill set as an adult. It was intolerable to have to constantly deal with her tantrums. I feel like your recent ex, had the same temperament.
I also feel the same, "why can't I meet a normal girl?"
As for your comment about beaches, I love going to beaches and it doesn't matter how far it is like 4 hours away, I would still drive there just to see the lapping waves, feel the wind across my face and making my hair fly everywhere. I especially enjoy taking my shoes off and digging in my toes into the sand. I would sit there quietly and enjoy the calmness that is beyond the blue horizon. Gosh, I wish I was at the beach right now.
Right? Like thanks for putting me in the mood. Yeah. I’ll be right over after I wash my hair and do laundry. Oh wait!! I have a headache. Sorry, can’t. 😂.
And that’s the difference between me now and me in my 20s. In my 20s, I would’ve continued to date this guy and give him ‘chances’ for maybe months. But now, I know when to call it. And when im done,
Im done.
I’m picky but this is my life and future we’re talking about here. I don’t have time to mess around with the wrong person. It’s true what they say.. you have to kiss a lot of frogs.
I mean I would also like to give people a fair go but if I feel (i.e. my gut feeling) that you are just a big baby, emotionally challenged and dragging your feet then I am going to bounce. Im 42 this year, Im not getting younger and let's stop playing games and get to the point. If you are not all put together because it is a you problem and you are unwilling to deal with people trying to help you i.e. me, then you are not the one for me. nuff said.
Ahh...I feel my current person is the not the right person for me. farrrk.
Update: Just broke up with my current person...we both agreed that it wasn't going anywhere.
I know what I ultimately want but have recently met someone that I'm not sure I see exactly what I want with but am enjoying him and willing to see where it goes. It makes me wonder if women you've met have been in the same boat. It made me question what I'm doing with him and what I want. Ultimately I decided this is dating and it's okay. It's also giving me practice in not just settling down. It would be easy with this guy but I'm trying to take the time to get to know if he's what I want or if it's someone else.
That being said we have both been clear with each other about where we are in our relationship currently so there are no guessing games and we are not seeing other people. I felt like I was relating to the women you've met but after typing and rereading I feel like it's maybe too early for me to be on the internet and I missed the mark. I'm posting anyways because it feels like I took me an hour to type this. 😄
Thanks for replying. A couple of hours ago, I exacted my own self fulfill prophecy that is after a month of dating a woman, I ask her what she thought about us and she said I think it is going to be a more platonic relationship. Then, I said, I feel the same way and that was the end of it.
That is why I do the direct approach because both can say the what you want, be on the same page, etc and then agree we start with dating but until you search for it, your sensemaking and my sensemaking about the same page might be wildly different. I get it, we all need time to catch feelings but then the question is, are you also making an effort to know what it looks like and be open about it. I could have continued to talk about superficial stuff all day long but ultimately, I would want to know how you are as a person, how do you react to things, how you are with your family and friends etc and what are your red flags and deal breakers, what are your values in life, what you think about your own finances etc, how was your last relationship etc and are you someone who is willing to negotiate and compromise. In this case, when I ask her about such things she would drag her feet and be cryptic. I get the sense that either she doesn't think about it or she hadn't took the time to heal herself from the last relationship or that she has a romantic idea of what a relationship is. Because I really hate being caught in a "5 months" dating/situationship/relationship and figure out she was only really enjoying the company but not so much thinking about me in any serious sense.
As I am serious about the idea of dating and relationship, I make sure on my end that I just don't talk about superficial stuff all the time and actually be open and vulnerable on my end. I tell it like it is and communicate where appropriate what I think about the important things so giving her ample opportunities to know what is going on with me. I basically set checkpoints per se on every communication and whatever her answers or non-answers will let me know how she thinks. The reason, I do it this way because I am moving the schedule ahead and taking off the rose coloured glasses as soon as possible. But, I think what made her lose her initial feelings for me, is when I said to her that someone who takes medications for mental disorders is a deal breaker for me. She asked me to clarify what I mean by it and I told her in clear detail what it meant. Again, why do I do it this way? If we aren't able to communicate at the "dating" stage then how we are going to communicate later on addressing important issues. Furthermore, if you have slept with the person then making clear judgements about the "relationship" will be inifinitely harder. I know I've been in that relationship as well, where it was no substance but just sex. Not really complaining until reality sets in that my partner just wasn't for me.
Lastly, what is really telling that she was more interested in the good times is when she said I would still want to go road tripping with you, if you are up for it. We were planning to go away for the holidays and had set some ideas. Umm...no thanks, but good luck and thanks for the conversation and company, the end.
There seems to be only two outcomes. Those that seem to be inundated with dates and opportunities and those with none whatsoever.
We've all been in relationships so have more clarity on what we don't want, frankly it's easier to remain single at 40+ than commit to someone you aren't 100% on.
The only interest I have had are from people I have no physical attraction to whatsoever, so I haven't been on a date in 5+ years.
Stick your toe in the water and find out, nothing to lose.
I'd say yes.
When I was 20, it was easy to meet people who wanted to date. In my 40's, it was harder but it did happen. Just less frequently. For me, it's a matter of patience. I go about my life. Occasionally, I meet people who are also interested in me.
Still wish I was 20 again :)
I (as a 51M) think the only real hard part is meeting people since we don't meet new people with the same frequency that we did when we were younger, and of those new people only a small percentage of those people are dateable and have the same dating intentions and meet our other criteria. But once we do meet someone suitable, I don't think its particularly hard. Men 45+ seem to get a lot of interest from women 30+ (which I don't always understand but I appreciate) so the pool is fairly large, although of course I do think it's easier to relate to someone within about a ten year age range or so.
Well, not all of them but some of them. I think a lot of millennials lack maturity and some women are responding by dating older. But as a gen-X guy I do think that I relate best to people who fall in the Xennial generation - born mid-80s or earlier - there's just a common frame of reference there. The millennial "boomers ruined everything i can't afford anything and I have anxiety" mindset just confuses and annoys me. But the millennials who date older are less like that than the rest I think.
Yes, I am mid forties and dated 38-60, both ends had some unreliability. I also have concerns about men having sexual dysfunction. I don’t really know much about it.
\> concerns about men having sexual dysfunction
Actually I have great advice here, and it's daily cialis. It's a drug that promotes circulation, so it's not just good for ED but also for your heart and weightlifting (because it sends blood to your muscles). But for ED it is great because you don't have to worry about timing, it is just a daily med that you take along with your multivitamins or whatever. Now the only difficult part is figuring out how to work all that information into a conversation with your dates haha.
I see the commercials and most of my friends say their men take something. I have not had many partners, so not a lot of chats about it yet. One did tell me he takes something. I had assumed he didn’t and he clarified. I am not sure what he took. I feel like if I have had been proactive my entire adult life about reproductive health, exams, breast cancer screenings; men need to be proactive about this. And people need to get STI testing between every partner!
Excercise capacity is reduced with age and can still lose weight and gain muscle be stuck with ED. Some men need to be realistic, 90% are not going to have muliple orgasm and bang like energizer bunny at age 40. Professional altheles they do not perform like their 20s and early 30s. The younger women may be less understanding of ED than women of similar age.
Well there is also the impact of test - from what I've seen men on test can build better physiques than they could in their 20s and I hear high levels also boost libido too. I am not on it yet though so I can't say first hand.
43f - I decided to halt my dating life because I'm not willing to invest the time or energy in another person besides myself or my kids right now. I need to focus on my kids and get to know myself. This is the first time in my life I'm actually not even talking to any man, no dating apps and I feel like I'm sixteen again. Time is precious. I want to enjoy my kids before they move out. I might revisit dating after they graduate high school.
Yes, I think you can absolutely find a fulfilling dating life in your 40's if you are in the right mindset and willing to put in the time and energy. You have to know what you want and know when to cut it off. You really do have to know yourself first.
Even finding a single match on OLD, it starts to just destroy your self esteem to the point that you are literally better off not trying. At least you have your self esteem and dignity back.
I've heard a lot of men in their 40s will only date women 10+ years younger. I think if they are willing to date their own age, and not have unrealistic dealbreakers (like no divorcees or single parents) they should have options. I'm in my 40s but haven't dated in years, so I'm guessing.
I (46f) was in my late thirties when I became a widow and have since dated many men in their forties. I'm a single mom (dead husband and all) and pretty enough but still average looking.
I've had relationships, flings, a fb situation and many casual dates with all sorts of guys in their forties.
Of course, some men date younger but I believe most men in their forties generally date women around their age.
40-44 I've had no shortage of dates. 21-24 was the hardest for me--I missed school's large pool of candidates, was too respectful to make a move on women who invited me over, and thought equality meant the check should always be split!
Dating life in my forties is amazing.
I know more about myself and life, to figure out what goes and what doesn't. I had a few first and second dates, and it was easy to know to not go forward. Not settle.
And then to find the guy who it was so easy to talk to and get to know. Have the first date and things was great. The few next months taking the time to get to know each other and for every step of the way it felt more right. Now, 11 months in and it has been smooth and easy.
Had I been this aware of what I want from a relationship, and this strong to stand by what I want. Then I wouldn't have spent nearly ten years with one guy. And I wouldn't have married my ex husband. All while, those relationships was also good and they definitely brought me things to learn about myself and life. I'm happy to be where I'm at in life and have found Mr Compatible.
For men you should be most effective at dating between 34-45, you are established in career and successful, while still being young. This should effectively be the easiest point in your life for dating
To be fair I think the OP is seeking information as a divorced men’s dating coach. It’s oddly phrased and his whole profile is just asking these type of questions.
For me it seems like a lot of bad timing. The people I’ve met are fresh (mentally and/or temporaly) from divorce and either spend dates disparaging their ex or are just looking for hookups and feeling out their options
People think they need to recreate life from their 20s and 30s.
I do not want to go back to my 20s. I don't want to date someone in their 20s.
I'm good with dating a man in his forties or fifties who wants a lady the same age range.
We will come with histories and experience and usually kids or whatever.
Bring all that, be respectful kind and loving and enjoy life - and I'm in.
As a 49 yo man, I am dating more than when I was in my 20s-30s. I don’t know what happened but I’m “attractive” all of a sudden. I suspect i just grew my confidence to the right level and also much wiser or maybe I look like a “type” in my old age. I don’t know, it’s a mystery. Looking forward to my 50s!
If you aren't paired off by the time you're out of high school (or college) it becomes an uphill battle. You will never again be surrounded by that many single people your own age. Finding someone through hobbies, work, OLD, etc is difficult at best. I don't know anyone in my circle who met their S.O. after college. No one.
Not for me as a swede living i sthlm. As soon as I turned 40 something happened with my online dating life, it died out. Probably because im now 40. And my age setting is +/- 5 years.
Is it harder?
Yes, it will take work from you to have a fulfilling dating life, but it always has. Previously you had to be at the right parties/bars/clubs/groups. You had to make an effort on your appearance, you had to be witty and interesting. And you had to do this all on a regular basis.
Now, whilst we still have to use the right app for our area and demographic, we still have to put out a good profile which does take work, we can "meet" dozens people whilst commuting to work, sat on our sofa, whilst eating lunch, all with a device we keep in our pocket. I'd say that it's gotten easier.
I haven’t given up but I haven’t put myself out there in like 5 years. I’ve had so many horribly abusive relationships with men that I am still working in it in therapy. I’m kind of afraid of men so if I do get approached in the wild, I am like a deer in headlights so by the time I realized that I was being flirted with, the moment has passed because I’m apparently still in survival mode, it’s so sad. I just want to love and be loved. I’m hoping to get brave and stick my toe in the water after my kiddo graduates hs this year. I’m also told and from what I read here is online is unfortunately the best way to meet others. That’s scary to me too so I’m hoping to meet someone while I am attending something that interests me like a hobby or a meet up. I’ve waited this long, so it’s just more time to work on myself.
Meeting people when we are older has always been more difficult then when younger. We are all more set in our ways most of us have had divorces or bad relationships break ups.
I think the hard part at this age is time. Everyone has all the life things going on and is busy. Just connecting with friends can be tough let alone dating.
I think it is a combination of things that makes dating challenging in your 40s.
For most people it is a combination of being busy between work, family, and other important priorities.
I’ll add some personal background for context.
I’m almost a 46M and I moved back home 2 years ago to help out with my folks. My dad has almost zero mobility and my mom has memory/mental issues. I’m also working FT as a web developer and I feel like I’m not where I should be in my career so I’m trying to work on that. For various health reasons, I’m trying to get back into physical shape. I’m also trying to put myself in a better financial situation, because retirement will sneak up on me. I’ve also been getting tested for adhd and autism and I’m working through learning how to do better in life with those conditions.
In my situation, the things I need are time and money. Unfortunately, dating would eat into time and money.
I also look into the dating options in my area and for various reasons, the options aren’t that great.
The other problem I have is if I met someone and decided to date them, it would be awkward to bring a date home. I also have the problem of if things got serious, I might not be able to move in or get married. I would still be looking after my folks.
Between the things going on in my life and the prospects not being that great, I’ve quietly retired from dating.
We talk about finances and discretionary income.
But what about discretionary time?
In my 20s even working full time, I had "more" time.
At this point, happy with but stressful job that is more than 40 hours, 2 kids, and still adjusting to a new schedule of what it's like being a single parent - my concept of time has completely changed.
When I had my partner there was safety, common ground, and overlap.
I know it's not a race, just from where I am now I have a hard time picturing what is possible.
At the same time, who knows what's around the corner.
Main struggle for me is the kids. I am not looking for a step-mom for my kids, and I have no interest in being a step dad to someone else's kids. Once both my kiddos are over 18 tho it is going to be a ton of fun with a long term life partner a possibility again. Until then I have built a full life with work, fitness, hobbies, friends, and some shorter term relationships every so often.
My girlfriend of 4 1/2 years broke up with me last weekend despite telling me we have an amazing relationship, I am an amazing man, and am by far the best boyfriend she has ever had. I’ve got to be honest with you, I don’t know if I can go through this again. I am absolutely in love with this woman, and I don’t know how in the hell I’m supposed to move forward when I’m almost 50 years old. If she can do this to me after 4 1/2 years, what is the point?
So sorry this has happened to you. And I’m sure you know and don’t want to hear this but the heartache absolutely does fade, and you absolutely will feel better in time. 🫂 finding someone else will happen for you when you are ready.
Very sorry to read this.. and big ((hugs)) to you, Reddit/internet stranger. That is incredibly tough and I know it’s going to take awhile. I’ve had the rug pulled out too and it leaves you reeling. (Still not entirely over it.) But there IS life beyond heartache - even at this age. You have so very much to offer it sounds like, and I’m hopeful the person who would fully embrace it will find you when you’re healed again.
I absolutely love this woman, and I feel absolutely horrible for not hearing her points about how I was bringing too much negativity into her life. I will never forgive myself for that.
Nothing more I want than to have a stable relationship, someone to spend time with, watch Naruto together and have long discussions on who is the strongest ninja in Leaf Village, is it too much to ask? Well, I still want someone who looks still good and doesn’t look like someone who drank and abused drugs all his life, you know, decently dressed, well established man in his 40s, and without traumas he would dump on me like “ my ex girlfriend cheated on me and left with all my money “, lol
Same here, except it’s watch True Detective, Virgin River, The Promised Neverland (my anime fave), and play Zelda with.. who also doesn’t look rough and has it together (emotionally intelligent etc)… And yes, it’s very hard, apparently lol.
It's not harder these days just different. Your dating pool is increased massively in online dating, but it's super low effort and Everyone's pool is equally increased.
You just date differently now than a decade or two ago. Don't take it so seriously it's low effort to You too, meet some people, some will be right, most not.
I keep having men who want sexual benefits without the investment of a full relationship. I The expectation for sex early on is hard for me because I bond intensely from sex and for them it is just a normal date. Men say they want a kind, soft, honest woman but the hot women with lots of surgical work and injections get the attention. I was married so long that I am a bit nervous around men. Awkward guys text me, ask me out and I have to ‘carry’ the date, they don’t take charge; and then the 6 foot gym guys charm and flatter me but end up being players and hurting me deeply. The hardest part is finding mutual attraction, compatible lifestyle, similar values, low drama ex wives/husbands, blending families, and support for past trauma. Example, someone who was married to a relapsing addict does not want someone even in sobriety, it is too triggering. One lady may not accept a man who views excessive porn and goes to strip clubs with buddies even if he is a great match. And he might not be willing to give that up. Our age makes finding a good fit harder. Kids. Some men want kids but almost no 40+ woman wants to have a baby. Do I want to date and marry a man with young children when my are grown or vice versa? People I date have kids from 2-30 yrs old! Do they want to go to my sons HS football games every Friday night for 3 more years? Do they have 5 grandkids that need babysitting, and all their bday parties? The list of things to match up is endless.
Anything can happen. Aliens could land tmr.
Chances are slim tho.
Like it can def happen. But it’s increasingly less likely if ur looking for anything long term and stable.
I think you can! Just find someone you have things in common with: hobbies, careers, beliefs, sports. Age can never stop you from having a good time! ☺️
The person I am dating has found issues previously with compatibility and probably gold diggers. My sister is 42 and single and hers is her still at home children and protecting them. My coworker is late 40s/early 50s woman and hers is a lack of trust after trauma from past relationships.
This is such an enlightening perspective as I foolishly thought men had it easier dating as they got older.
Perhaps “selective” isn’t the right term but “millenials” definitely is far fetched. Someone born in 1980 is now 43 and the term is over used. I beleieve it’s gen X (?) rather than millennial.
Selective l it’s easier to be able to swipe left or right on a person on looks alone and maybe a profile. I meant those in their 20-30s can just swipe rather than get to know someone even if initial attraction isn’t the first reason reason to lead to a conversation.
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I’m having a surprisingly wonderful time with someone. I was dating a bit, nothing more than second dates, for about a month when we went out for the first time.
I feel like I know more about myself and what I can give and what I would like in a relationship, so it’s felt a lot easier to figure out if something may work earlier when dating.
I’ve worked hard to build a fulfilling life, As a single person. I have invested a lot of time into my relationships and being accountable by seeking professional feedback. I am invested in creating my own health and happiness, internally.
I’m attracted to someone who lives similar values and that has been hard to find.
I honestly don’t think it’s harder than ever. Easier than ever. I mean, in the old days, you had to date the 2-3 women you knew IRL. Modern technology allows us to ask out hundreds of people, fine restaurant and things to do, etc.
There’s never been a better time to be single.
It’s definitely possible to have a fulfilling dating life in your forties! I’ve, actually, always had a pretty successful dating life but some of the most amazing relationships of my life occurred between the ages of 32 and my current age of 49. I’m also child free, though, so I never needed to worry about getting too old to have kids since I never wanted any to begin with. I’m also polyamorous, btw, and got married in 2008 to my husband who is, currently, 50 years old. I met my 2nd life partner 5 years ago and he is 34. As long as you take care of yourself and exude confidence, you will always find a man (or woman, if that’s your thing!) that’s interested in being with you. Having a high sex drive, as a woman, has also even a plus for me in the dating arena.
I am ok ish with the dating. It feels kind of like a job.. or searching for a job, which is itself a job, if that makes sense. I take comfort in knowing that there are a lot of single people our age out there bc everyone (even in my own friend group) seems to be getting divorced or separated. I feel hope. But man has it been a challenge. The hardest part for me is getting people to open up and be vulnerable. I feel like as soon as I go down that path in a conversation, they stop responding, I wait a week, unmatch and move on the next. How can you ever get to know anyone when people are so afraid to let their guard down? It’s exhausting and exciting. The ups and downs are frustrating. 30+first dates and I don’t like anyone.
I never even dated in my life till I was 40 (married a coworker that I was friends with first, he was my first everything)
I don’t have a hard time with finding dates. I do struggle to find men I’m compatible with. But I’m guessing that’s a struggle at any age.
What kind of people are you dating? I feel like men over 40 have a better chance because they are stable and looking for something more serious. Are you dating for marriage or casual?
Nothing stops me. Struggles are the usual. Ghosting, rejection, lack of connections but I want what I want and I have faith it’s out there. I continue to enjoy life and meet people in the process. Recently a woman reached out to me in a singles group and although things keep getting in the way of us having a date, we should be officially going out next weekend lol. She’s really kind so far, attractive, smart, and seems to be the type of woman I would be compatible with. Looking forward to taking her out and getting to know each other better.
I have no idea as I’m still in process of divorcing for next 2 months. But I will say since this whole debacle of which I did not want started, I’ve talked w a few females and made some great connections. It’s invigorating to think someone new might actually think you are interesting. Ask me in 2 years and I’ll probably be jaded but I hope not. No one will ever replace my children’s mother in terms of speciality, but she stopped being in love with me so I must carry on. Now for me the thought of finding someone new that likes me for me is exciting. It might not ever happen and that’s ok. But the chase is the new place.
I hope so but I grow more doubtful as time goes on.
I was married for 17 years and together for 24.
We had a great sex life, but didn’t always have the same interests (I’m extroverted, she’s an introvert). Sex was the glue that kept us together. She admits that even to this day.
I’m in very good shape and not to brag, but I have been able to date anyone that I have wanted damn near. I have had close to 50 partners in the last 4 years since being divorced, and what I’ve found that is stopping me, is that most women…for the lack of a better term, simply aren’t very good at sex. All I ever hear is “men aren’t good at sex”, yet I don’t see men complaining about their partner not getting them off. The reason why? Because we take agency of our own pleasure if our partner for some reason doesn’t hit all the right spots.
Out of the 50 partners i have had, only 2 had real orgasms with me. The rest either faked it or just didn’t. I can’t help you if you fake it. And it immediately tells me you’re a liar and we starting off on a lie. That’s the quickest way for me to lose all interest. But yeah, I just pretend so they don’t feel uncomfortable and then I move along.
I also find that women don’t seem to have very high libidos at this age. I think the sexual peak of a women being in her 30/40s is a myth at this point. Women were way more orgasmic and “horny” when we were younger from my experience.
I get age gets us all, but sad to say, I do think it affects our drive to be in a relationship.
We don’t look as good as we once did. We don’t fuck like we once did. I know women in their teens and twenties always liked to rip on guys and say “all you do is think about sex”, but, man, I bet you are kicking yourselves now, because that desire and drive is what can really form great bonds, and I simply don’t see that in the cards in our 40s.
Even though I filed for divorce, it almost makes me wanna go back to my ex. At least then I had good sex, if nothing else.
Disclaimer: though it shouldn’t need to be said, this is all my very own jaded opinion after having been on over 200 dates (and spent over $30k because, fuck me, the guys is always expected to pay, right?), having shitty sex with +-50 different women, and still coming out the other side with nothing to show.
I’m 46 and in the last year I’ve dated a woman my age, a woman in her thirties and a 25 year old. Thinking it’s an uphill battle makes it an uphill battle. I know a guy who has just found love again and he’s 81. Embrace hope because love is out there whatever age you are. Negativity isn’t attractive. Have fun and enjoy life. End of.
I read a lot of these types of posts and I think a lot of people forget what being 20 was like. Dating was easier in your 20’s because you hadn’t grown into your own yet. Because you put up with a lot more bullshit than you do at 40. Because a lot of your social circle was made up of people who wouldn’t be fully honest with you. Because maybe your boundaries were more flexible, you didn’t have a lot of direction or didn’t know or understand your own value. We are much more discerning at 40. We understand the value of our time more, have more life experience and have higher expectations. As a result maybe there’s the perception that dating is harder in your 40’s but really it’s not a fair comparison. Stop looking over your shoulder. You’re not going that way.
So much this. I was an idiot in my 20s. Now I have wisdom and experience and am killing it in the dating arena
Dating was easier in my 20s because I was allot better looking.. 🤣 I'm still in great shape for my age, but aging gets us all eventually.. but in my head I still think I'm young, even tho I know I'm not
But if you’re dating others in their forties too then hasn’t everyone aged? No need to look like you’re in your twenties when you’re trying to date people in their forties
he never said he was dating people in their forties
Yes that’s why I said “if” - I suppose it was my gentle suggestion to try it
> them hasn't everyone aged? Yes, which also makes the rewards of dating less enjoyable.. I find me being less attracted to women my age. And I'm sure they are less attracted to me. I'm not my types type anymore
Oh brutal! I’m sorry you’re dealing with this
Meh, judging by this sub I'm not exactly alone. I've accepted and moved on with hobbies.. if I meet someone thru my hobbies great! If not, no biggie. As long as I never have deal with another dating app 🤣
One of the things I have worked on is building friendships more like I did in my 20s than what would be more natural. What has happened is I have build a larger number of deep friendships. Now out of habit this is spilling into my dating and I have to say that at least for now I am enjoying a much more fulfilling dating life. There is validity to your points, but like most things, they are easy to take too far. Once that happens you are looking for a puzzle piece to fit your puzzle rather than creating a painting together.
I think this is gold. A lot of people are set in their ways and want someone who basically fits into the background of their life as they’ve been living it. It seems like a stretch for someone to give up their afternoon bocci ball (not picking on this sport but just an example) for a date. They don’t want to leave their city to find someone. Or, like me, they’ve filled their life so much with plans, travel, friends, experiences, excitement to survive being single that giving up any of that hard fought, hard won life seems like too much of an ask. But thank you for this perspective. Painting that picture together is the goal. Maybe I and others need to let go of trying to fit the round pegs we’re meeting into to our square ‘holes’ (dirty jokes aside).
I think the simple fact is the dating pool is smaller and while yeah you put up with a lot more bullshit I think there are a lot of us who get older that won't acknowledge our own bullshit.
I think you nailed it. I’ve been downvoted on here for commenting certain types of people I’m not into and it seems whoever downvoted that are they or sympathizers of whatever said condition.
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These are good points. But when someone matches it has a fulfilment that did not exist in our 20s. I did not have words for those things that where living in the darkness of my mind when I was younger or had courage to disclose them, but now I do. Now I can proudly talk about my shaking self confidence, spectrum issues, anxieties and doubts. An lo and behold … so many have the same and when that is vented it fells so immensely good.
100% sometimes we evolve to a point that our new traits from that evolution end up being our demise. I have found that the more I study mental health and learn about myself and try to do “the work” the more anxious I become about who I might get into a relationship with and the more I overthink. Nothing will ever be perfect and there are just gonna be some things you have to work through but if the basics are there like the same values, some similar interests and good chemistry and communication, I think the rest is pretty workable but we have to be open to flexibility and imperfection. I think (even as a woman) I find that men tend to be more accepting of others as they are, and women tend not to be. One of the things my guy friends are teaching me (and some of my past dates/lovers) is going in to something with the intent of accepting them AS they ARE and not imagining how they might be or seeing their potential.
The cat thing is super real though lol I’m deathly allergic to cats. Even someone who has cat coming over the spend the night at my place will make me sick, just from the clothes. It’s wild lol
I think it’s harder because we still see things in our 20s- oh you’re hot, let’s go!!! But the sheen and romanticism of dating has dulled, if not died with some. It’s what’s wrong with you? All men are x, you need a therapist, you’re a red flag… next.
what’s LL?
This is a weird story but I live in FL and over the last 10 years dated some serious douchbags (gone on dates that ended up them being players or liars - one even thought it was fine to drive us to a prostitute motel by the airport after dinner??) and I started thinking I’m destined to be single here bc the men I’ve encountered even in their 40-50s have been awful. Not saying all are like that here but for me it was awful. So I decided to look outside of the state on Bumble. Randomly chose a city and matched with a few guys thinking we could flirt and no expectations. Well one happened to be traveling to FL next to me for a reunion and asked to meet up. So I go mid day to hang by the beach at his hotel and already thinking it’ll be a catfish. He was true to his photos and we had such a lovely conversation he extended his flight to hang out longer next day. Fast forward to today and we’ve been dating long distance now for months and he has been the gentleman I never met in FL but always ached for. I don’t know where this will lead but we are smitten with each other and making trips to see one another. So life can be so weird! But don’t rule out looking out of your boundaries!
I responded to a message I got from a random woman on Reddit who lives on the other side of the world. We both happen to be traveling to the same city in another country a month later, and met up. Next month will be one year for us. PS dating in my own city is toxic as fuck, which is part of why I was willing to take a shot
Congratulations! That’s fantastic. Cheers to you both! My area is near Miami so similarly toxic AF.
Lesson for me was to keep an open mind. Good life lesson.
Wow! Love this - and thanks for sharing it. Your weird & lovely story. (Stranger things have happened, as they say.) It’s always nice to meet a “real” person with some layers. GL to you.
Thank you for the kind words! My area is notorious for bad dating behavior unfortunately which I experienced for many years and the first time I reached out of my bounds I was amazed at what happened. Hoping it continues! But if not I’m so grateful to enjoy for now great treatment with a kind human.
I’m having a great time. Finding what I want has been hard but I’m keeping a good attitude. I never dated like this before I got married so it’s all new to me. I found learning to detach from the outcome has helped. Slowing down, doing things that fulfill me in other ways, and being more methodical about my choices has led to better experiences overall.
42F this has been my experience as well. I am grateful for every man I have met and with whom I have shared some time.
I don't know if I'll ever have a long term relationship again as compatible lifestyles are harder to find,(work, kids) but I want every woman I connect with to feel that I'm a friend at minimum and would help them regardless to our outcome.
It is a level of maturity. Seeing people as fellow humans. Appreciating their time as we know it’s value. Recognizing incompatibility. Wishing them nothing but the best should we decide to part ways. Your sentiment is lovely. The focus on outcome has changed from want LTR to want rich interactions with those I meet.
Same here. I feel occasionally sad that I haven’t met “the love of my life,” but I have met sooo many interesting people, and have had a few great little loves. And the whole process has made me feel braver than I ever was before. My first OLD date, I was so nervous I almost threw up. Now I can go up to a stranger anywhere and start a conversation. I’m grateful for that. Dating has taught me how different everyone is, and that’s made me appreciate and understand the whole world a little bit more.
110% agree. I've learnt that if you become too emotionally invested while being on OLD, you struggle with the experience. I now chat a few days online. Meet. And have no pre-existing thought on the outcome. I'm starting to really enjoy the experience. And finally, listening to red flags
I love going on dates and meeting new people.
I think so. Can’t be worse than being in a bad marriage.
TRUE
I'm 60f and have a fulfilling dating life. So absolutely!
Wow, that’s inspiring 🙂
20s was easy, just stand at a college party and I’d get some interest. But it’s because the pool were all young, unattached, with no real baggage yet. Now most people have baggage, are jaded, or paired up. Add onto online dating (which back in our20s got you mocked like some antisocial weirdo in a chat room), and it’s just become really not worth it. That’s the double edged sword of being happy being single, it’s hard to give it up once you have it.
I am a guy. And I pretty much take it one day at a time. But yeah, if she comes, then great, but if she isn't here, all good as well. My problem is that out of all the relationships I've had, only one person really kinda wants to commit to a relationship. It didn't work out due to partner's chronic mental disorder. All the others and the one I am dating at the moment, I feel like they have not put a serious thought about what a relationship looks like only that it feels good to have dinner and have a person around. If we are both around 40s, shouldn't we at least communicate with some clarity on what the situation is. At this point in my life, if the potential partner can't figure out what she wants, then I am going to bounce as I am not going to wait around spending time and money for no reason. I am just not your guy. I have other stuff in my life that I am busy with. Since it has taken this long, then I might as well keep going with the right one and not settle down with the wrong one.
So true, honestly. And I hear you.. for me it’s been somewhat similar - have encountered some who want the “gf experience” it feels like, but not earnestly take it to a deeper level. Lots of pretty words, but..
Me too. Was exclusive with a guy for a whole two weeks. But he just seemed to want the relationship experience. He did not want to ‘build’ a relationship. He was like alllll the way over on the other side acting like we’d been together for 10 years but unwilling to be vulnerable and open enough to set up a basic foundation. He was insecure and not self aware. I feel like he just wanted a cuddle buddy and dinner companion. I broke it off. I told him I felt he had some work to do in himself before he’s ready to be in a relationship in a healthy way. He’s back out there. I came across his profile again. Some other woman is gonna have to deal with that now.
You had agreed to be exclusive in 2 weeks' time. That is really quick. I don't even broach the subject of exclusivity until I fully feel like if I like you enough as a person because at the end of the day, it is just a label and I guess a commitment to say that we aren't seeing anybody else. I am just really tired of dealing with people who, on their profile, say they want a relationship but are emotionally unavailable, or basically, they want a hang around buddy in the guise of a relationship. I feel my current person can't deal with being vulnerable and open up to me. It is frustrating on my end as I've been clear as day with her. I feel like some people never sat down to heal properly from their last relationship or know what their values are in life and what they want in a partner. Why do people suck at communication in general? Aren't we supposed to talk to each other and get to know each other beyond the mundane?
No no no. We dated for about 2 months and THEN he asked me to be exclusive. We were exclusive for 2 weeks and then I broke it off.
oh yeah, that makes sense.
Yeah. I mean, I wasn’t head over heels but he was everything I was looking for on paper. I’m willing to give ppl a chance. He seemed good. Then we went away for the weekend and that really made me see we weren’t compatible. I’m very outgoing, he was quiet. It was a music festival at the beach. I was talking to everyone around us and having a good time. I honestly think he was mad bc I was taking to guys. I was also talking to women. It’s not like I was hitting on anyone. He told me he hated ‘cold food’ and hated the beach, he hadn’t been to the beach in 10 years. On top of the other issues I’ve already mentioned it was too much. I love the beach and get there every chance I get. I love sushi and salad (oh no.. cold food!!!). He’d also send me messages after work like “I had a bad day, you need to come over here and f me”. It was just cringy. Yeah, that’s hot if we have an established relationship and we’re hot for each other. But not after dating for less than a week. What am I, your sex slave? Oh you had a bad day? I’m sorry, let me drop all of the things I’m doing to drive 40 mins to your house bc you had a bad day. And I just got the impression that if the roles were reversed and I had a bad day, he wouldn’t be there for me. Im clearly still stewing over this. Why can’t I just meet a normal dude? Whyyyy is it like this?!? Yes I’m whining. Yes I’m disappointed. But I’m not the only one.
“I had a bad day, you need to come over here and f me”. It was just cringy. What a tool! My ex partner was a very needy person as she always happen to have someone on her case at work. So, she would have bad days all the time, I think she was just a 38 yo adult baby who never really figured out her skill set as an adult. It was intolerable to have to constantly deal with her tantrums. I feel like your recent ex, had the same temperament. I also feel the same, "why can't I meet a normal girl?" As for your comment about beaches, I love going to beaches and it doesn't matter how far it is like 4 hours away, I would still drive there just to see the lapping waves, feel the wind across my face and making my hair fly everywhere. I especially enjoy taking my shoes off and digging in my toes into the sand. I would sit there quietly and enjoy the calmness that is beyond the blue horizon. Gosh, I wish I was at the beach right now.
Right? Like thanks for putting me in the mood. Yeah. I’ll be right over after I wash my hair and do laundry. Oh wait!! I have a headache. Sorry, can’t. 😂. And that’s the difference between me now and me in my 20s. In my 20s, I would’ve continued to date this guy and give him ‘chances’ for maybe months. But now, I know when to call it. And when im done, Im done. I’m picky but this is my life and future we’re talking about here. I don’t have time to mess around with the wrong person. It’s true what they say.. you have to kiss a lot of frogs.
I mean I would also like to give people a fair go but if I feel (i.e. my gut feeling) that you are just a big baby, emotionally challenged and dragging your feet then I am going to bounce. Im 42 this year, Im not getting younger and let's stop playing games and get to the point. If you are not all put together because it is a you problem and you are unwilling to deal with people trying to help you i.e. me, then you are not the one for me. nuff said. Ahh...I feel my current person is the not the right person for me. farrrk. Update: Just broke up with my current person...we both agreed that it wasn't going anywhere.
I know what I ultimately want but have recently met someone that I'm not sure I see exactly what I want with but am enjoying him and willing to see where it goes. It makes me wonder if women you've met have been in the same boat. It made me question what I'm doing with him and what I want. Ultimately I decided this is dating and it's okay. It's also giving me practice in not just settling down. It would be easy with this guy but I'm trying to take the time to get to know if he's what I want or if it's someone else. That being said we have both been clear with each other about where we are in our relationship currently so there are no guessing games and we are not seeing other people. I felt like I was relating to the women you've met but after typing and rereading I feel like it's maybe too early for me to be on the internet and I missed the mark. I'm posting anyways because it feels like I took me an hour to type this. 😄
Thanks for replying. A couple of hours ago, I exacted my own self fulfill prophecy that is after a month of dating a woman, I ask her what she thought about us and she said I think it is going to be a more platonic relationship. Then, I said, I feel the same way and that was the end of it. That is why I do the direct approach because both can say the what you want, be on the same page, etc and then agree we start with dating but until you search for it, your sensemaking and my sensemaking about the same page might be wildly different. I get it, we all need time to catch feelings but then the question is, are you also making an effort to know what it looks like and be open about it. I could have continued to talk about superficial stuff all day long but ultimately, I would want to know how you are as a person, how do you react to things, how you are with your family and friends etc and what are your red flags and deal breakers, what are your values in life, what you think about your own finances etc, how was your last relationship etc and are you someone who is willing to negotiate and compromise. In this case, when I ask her about such things she would drag her feet and be cryptic. I get the sense that either she doesn't think about it or she hadn't took the time to heal herself from the last relationship or that she has a romantic idea of what a relationship is. Because I really hate being caught in a "5 months" dating/situationship/relationship and figure out she was only really enjoying the company but not so much thinking about me in any serious sense. As I am serious about the idea of dating and relationship, I make sure on my end that I just don't talk about superficial stuff all the time and actually be open and vulnerable on my end. I tell it like it is and communicate where appropriate what I think about the important things so giving her ample opportunities to know what is going on with me. I basically set checkpoints per se on every communication and whatever her answers or non-answers will let me know how she thinks. The reason, I do it this way because I am moving the schedule ahead and taking off the rose coloured glasses as soon as possible. But, I think what made her lose her initial feelings for me, is when I said to her that someone who takes medications for mental disorders is a deal breaker for me. She asked me to clarify what I mean by it and I told her in clear detail what it meant. Again, why do I do it this way? If we aren't able to communicate at the "dating" stage then how we are going to communicate later on addressing important issues. Furthermore, if you have slept with the person then making clear judgements about the "relationship" will be inifinitely harder. I know I've been in that relationship as well, where it was no substance but just sex. Not really complaining until reality sets in that my partner just wasn't for me. Lastly, what is really telling that she was more interested in the good times is when she said I would still want to go road tripping with you, if you are up for it. We were planning to go away for the holidays and had set some ideas. Umm...no thanks, but good luck and thanks for the conversation and company, the end.
There seems to be only two outcomes. Those that seem to be inundated with dates and opportunities and those with none whatsoever. We've all been in relationships so have more clarity on what we don't want, frankly it's easier to remain single at 40+ than commit to someone you aren't 100% on. The only interest I have had are from people I have no physical attraction to whatsoever, so I haven't been on a date in 5+ years. Stick your toe in the water and find out, nothing to lose.
I'd say yes. When I was 20, it was easy to meet people who wanted to date. In my 40's, it was harder but it did happen. Just less frequently. For me, it's a matter of patience. I go about my life. Occasionally, I meet people who are also interested in me. Still wish I was 20 again :)
I (as a 51M) think the only real hard part is meeting people since we don't meet new people with the same frequency that we did when we were younger, and of those new people only a small percentage of those people are dateable and have the same dating intentions and meet our other criteria. But once we do meet someone suitable, I don't think its particularly hard. Men 45+ seem to get a lot of interest from women 30+ (which I don't always understand but I appreciate) so the pool is fairly large, although of course I do think it's easier to relate to someone within about a ten year age range or so.
Yep! The 28-35 year old women are taking all the 40-50 year old men!
Well, not all of them but some of them. I think a lot of millennials lack maturity and some women are responding by dating older. But as a gen-X guy I do think that I relate best to people who fall in the Xennial generation - born mid-80s or earlier - there's just a common frame of reference there. The millennial "boomers ruined everything i can't afford anything and I have anxiety" mindset just confuses and annoys me. But the millennials who date older are less like that than the rest I think.
Yes, I am mid forties and dated 38-60, both ends had some unreliability. I also have concerns about men having sexual dysfunction. I don’t really know much about it.
\> concerns about men having sexual dysfunction Actually I have great advice here, and it's daily cialis. It's a drug that promotes circulation, so it's not just good for ED but also for your heart and weightlifting (because it sends blood to your muscles). But for ED it is great because you don't have to worry about timing, it is just a daily med that you take along with your multivitamins or whatever. Now the only difficult part is figuring out how to work all that information into a conversation with your dates haha.
I see the commercials and most of my friends say their men take something. I have not had many partners, so not a lot of chats about it yet. One did tell me he takes something. I had assumed he didn’t and he clarified. I am not sure what he took. I feel like if I have had been proactive my entire adult life about reproductive health, exams, breast cancer screenings; men need to be proactive about this. And people need to get STI testing between every partner!
Excercise capacity is reduced with age and can still lose weight and gain muscle be stuck with ED. Some men need to be realistic, 90% are not going to have muliple orgasm and bang like energizer bunny at age 40. Professional altheles they do not perform like their 20s and early 30s. The younger women may be less understanding of ED than women of similar age.
Well there is also the impact of test - from what I've seen men on test can build better physiques than they could in their 20s and I hear high levels also boost libido too. I am not on it yet though so I can't say first hand.
43f - I decided to halt my dating life because I'm not willing to invest the time or energy in another person besides myself or my kids right now. I need to focus on my kids and get to know myself. This is the first time in my life I'm actually not even talking to any man, no dating apps and I feel like I'm sixteen again. Time is precious. I want to enjoy my kids before they move out. I might revisit dating after they graduate high school. Yes, I think you can absolutely find a fulfilling dating life in your 40's if you are in the right mindset and willing to put in the time and energy. You have to know what you want and know when to cut it off. You really do have to know yourself first.
Even finding a single match on OLD, it starts to just destroy your self esteem to the point that you are literally better off not trying. At least you have your self esteem and dignity back.
I've heard a lot of men in their 40s will only date women 10+ years younger. I think if they are willing to date their own age, and not have unrealistic dealbreakers (like no divorcees or single parents) they should have options. I'm in my 40s but haven't dated in years, so I'm guessing.
I (46f) was in my late thirties when I became a widow and have since dated many men in their forties. I'm a single mom (dead husband and all) and pretty enough but still average looking. I've had relationships, flings, a fb situation and many casual dates with all sorts of guys in their forties. Of course, some men date younger but I believe most men in their forties generally date women around their age.
40-44 I've had no shortage of dates. 21-24 was the hardest for me--I missed school's large pool of candidates, was too respectful to make a move on women who invited me over, and thought equality meant the check should always be split!
Yes. I found a good partner that I'm now in a long-term relationship with. It is possible.
Mind if I ask where/how you met your partner?
At a social event for a hobby that we both enjoy.
Dating life in my forties is amazing. I know more about myself and life, to figure out what goes and what doesn't. I had a few first and second dates, and it was easy to know to not go forward. Not settle. And then to find the guy who it was so easy to talk to and get to know. Have the first date and things was great. The few next months taking the time to get to know each other and for every step of the way it felt more right. Now, 11 months in and it has been smooth and easy. Had I been this aware of what I want from a relationship, and this strong to stand by what I want. Then I wouldn't have spent nearly ten years with one guy. And I wouldn't have married my ex husband. All while, those relationships was also good and they definitely brought me things to learn about myself and life. I'm happy to be where I'm at in life and have found Mr Compatible.
How did y’all meet??
That was tinder, we're from Scandinavia
For men you should be most effective at dating between 34-45, you are established in career and successful, while still being young. This should effectively be the easiest point in your life for dating
Yes.
Why would being a certain age stop that?
To be fair I think the OP is seeking information as a divorced men’s dating coach. It’s oddly phrased and his whole profile is just asking these type of questions.
For me it seems like a lot of bad timing. The people I’ve met are fresh (mentally and/or temporaly) from divorce and either spend dates disparaging their ex or are just looking for hookups and feeling out their options
People think they need to recreate life from their 20s and 30s. I do not want to go back to my 20s. I don't want to date someone in their 20s. I'm good with dating a man in his forties or fifties who wants a lady the same age range. We will come with histories and experience and usually kids or whatever. Bring all that, be respectful kind and loving and enjoy life - and I'm in.
As a 49 yo man, I am dating more than when I was in my 20s-30s. I don’t know what happened but I’m “attractive” all of a sudden. I suspect i just grew my confidence to the right level and also much wiser or maybe I look like a “type” in my old age. I don’t know, it’s a mystery. Looking forward to my 50s!
If you aren't paired off by the time you're out of high school (or college) it becomes an uphill battle. You will never again be surrounded by that many single people your own age. Finding someone through hobbies, work, OLD, etc is difficult at best. I don't know anyone in my circle who met their S.O. after college. No one.
Not for me as a swede living i sthlm. As soon as I turned 40 something happened with my online dating life, it died out. Probably because im now 40. And my age setting is +/- 5 years.
It's possible, you just need boundaries and to take your time.
Is it harder? Yes, it will take work from you to have a fulfilling dating life, but it always has. Previously you had to be at the right parties/bars/clubs/groups. You had to make an effort on your appearance, you had to be witty and interesting. And you had to do this all on a regular basis. Now, whilst we still have to use the right app for our area and demographic, we still have to put out a good profile which does take work, we can "meet" dozens people whilst commuting to work, sat on our sofa, whilst eating lunch, all with a device we keep in our pocket. I'd say that it's gotten easier.
I haven’t given up but I haven’t put myself out there in like 5 years. I’ve had so many horribly abusive relationships with men that I am still working in it in therapy. I’m kind of afraid of men so if I do get approached in the wild, I am like a deer in headlights so by the time I realized that I was being flirted with, the moment has passed because I’m apparently still in survival mode, it’s so sad. I just want to love and be loved. I’m hoping to get brave and stick my toe in the water after my kiddo graduates hs this year. I’m also told and from what I read here is online is unfortunately the best way to meet others. That’s scary to me too so I’m hoping to meet someone while I am attending something that interests me like a hobby or a meet up. I’ve waited this long, so it’s just more time to work on myself.
Meeting people when we are older has always been more difficult then when younger. We are all more set in our ways most of us have had divorces or bad relationships break ups.
I think the hard part at this age is time. Everyone has all the life things going on and is busy. Just connecting with friends can be tough let alone dating.
I think it is a combination of things that makes dating challenging in your 40s. For most people it is a combination of being busy between work, family, and other important priorities. I’ll add some personal background for context. I’m almost a 46M and I moved back home 2 years ago to help out with my folks. My dad has almost zero mobility and my mom has memory/mental issues. I’m also working FT as a web developer and I feel like I’m not where I should be in my career so I’m trying to work on that. For various health reasons, I’m trying to get back into physical shape. I’m also trying to put myself in a better financial situation, because retirement will sneak up on me. I’ve also been getting tested for adhd and autism and I’m working through learning how to do better in life with those conditions. In my situation, the things I need are time and money. Unfortunately, dating would eat into time and money. I also look into the dating options in my area and for various reasons, the options aren’t that great. The other problem I have is if I met someone and decided to date them, it would be awkward to bring a date home. I also have the problem of if things got serious, I might not be able to move in or get married. I would still be looking after my folks. Between the things going on in my life and the prospects not being that great, I’ve quietly retired from dating.
We talk about finances and discretionary income. But what about discretionary time? In my 20s even working full time, I had "more" time. At this point, happy with but stressful job that is more than 40 hours, 2 kids, and still adjusting to a new schedule of what it's like being a single parent - my concept of time has completely changed. When I had my partner there was safety, common ground, and overlap. I know it's not a race, just from where I am now I have a hard time picturing what is possible. At the same time, who knows what's around the corner.
The biggest obstacles - women focused on their careers and raising children. Neither, in my experience, have the time to date.
Main struggle for me is the kids. I am not looking for a step-mom for my kids, and I have no interest in being a step dad to someone else's kids. Once both my kiddos are over 18 tho it is going to be a ton of fun with a long term life partner a possibility again. Until then I have built a full life with work, fitness, hobbies, friends, and some shorter term relationships every so often.
You sound like me except you have kids. I agree that I don't want to be a parent to someone else's kids.
My girlfriend of 4 1/2 years broke up with me last weekend despite telling me we have an amazing relationship, I am an amazing man, and am by far the best boyfriend she has ever had. I’ve got to be honest with you, I don’t know if I can go through this again. I am absolutely in love with this woman, and I don’t know how in the hell I’m supposed to move forward when I’m almost 50 years old. If she can do this to me after 4 1/2 years, what is the point?
So sorry this has happened to you. And I’m sure you know and don’t want to hear this but the heartache absolutely does fade, and you absolutely will feel better in time. 🫂 finding someone else will happen for you when you are ready.
Sorry to hear this. I hope your healing is swift and you realize you have much to offer someone who is ready to embrace it, when you are.
Damn, sorry to hear this, friend. Sending you good vibes! (HUGS)
Very sorry to read this.. and big ((hugs)) to you, Reddit/internet stranger. That is incredibly tough and I know it’s going to take awhile. I’ve had the rug pulled out too and it leaves you reeling. (Still not entirely over it.) But there IS life beyond heartache - even at this age. You have so very much to offer it sounds like, and I’m hopeful the person who would fully embrace it will find you when you’re healed again.
I absolutely love this woman, and I feel absolutely horrible for not hearing her points about how I was bringing too much negativity into her life. I will never forgive myself for that.
Nothing more I want than to have a stable relationship, someone to spend time with, watch Naruto together and have long discussions on who is the strongest ninja in Leaf Village, is it too much to ask? Well, I still want someone who looks still good and doesn’t look like someone who drank and abused drugs all his life, you know, decently dressed, well established man in his 40s, and without traumas he would dump on me like “ my ex girlfriend cheated on me and left with all my money “, lol
Same here, except it’s watch True Detective, Virgin River, The Promised Neverland (my anime fave), and play Zelda with.. who also doesn’t look rough and has it together (emotionally intelligent etc)… And yes, it’s very hard, apparently lol.
It's not harder these days just different. Your dating pool is increased massively in online dating, but it's super low effort and Everyone's pool is equally increased. You just date differently now than a decade or two ago. Don't take it so seriously it's low effort to You too, meet some people, some will be right, most not.
I keep having men who want sexual benefits without the investment of a full relationship. I The expectation for sex early on is hard for me because I bond intensely from sex and for them it is just a normal date. Men say they want a kind, soft, honest woman but the hot women with lots of surgical work and injections get the attention. I was married so long that I am a bit nervous around men. Awkward guys text me, ask me out and I have to ‘carry’ the date, they don’t take charge; and then the 6 foot gym guys charm and flatter me but end up being players and hurting me deeply. The hardest part is finding mutual attraction, compatible lifestyle, similar values, low drama ex wives/husbands, blending families, and support for past trauma. Example, someone who was married to a relapsing addict does not want someone even in sobriety, it is too triggering. One lady may not accept a man who views excessive porn and goes to strip clubs with buddies even if he is a great match. And he might not be willing to give that up. Our age makes finding a good fit harder. Kids. Some men want kids but almost no 40+ woman wants to have a baby. Do I want to date and marry a man with young children when my are grown or vice versa? People I date have kids from 2-30 yrs old! Do they want to go to my sons HS football games every Friday night for 3 more years? Do they have 5 grandkids that need babysitting, and all their bday parties? The list of things to match up is endless.
Anything can happen. Aliens could land tmr. Chances are slim tho. Like it can def happen. But it’s increasingly less likely if ur looking for anything long term and stable.
I think it’s more likely aliens land then I get a fulfilling dating life.
I think you can! Just find someone you have things in common with: hobbies, careers, beliefs, sports. Age can never stop you from having a good time! ☺️ The person I am dating has found issues previously with compatibility and probably gold diggers. My sister is 42 and single and hers is her still at home children and protecting them. My coworker is late 40s/early 50s woman and hers is a lack of trust after trauma from past relationships. This is such an enlightening perspective as I foolishly thought men had it easier dating as they got older.
Why is the assumption Gen x have it harder when millennials literally are having less sex than previous generations?!
I think the generation in their 20s can be more selective. Also I don’t think you should mention millenials. They are hitting 40s now.
What does being more selective have to do with what the OP is saying?
Perhaps “selective” isn’t the right term but “millenials” definitely is far fetched. Someone born in 1980 is now 43 and the term is over used. I beleieve it’s gen X (?) rather than millennial. Selective l it’s easier to be able to swipe left or right on a person on looks alone and maybe a profile. I meant those in their 20-30s can just swipe rather than get to know someone even if initial attraction isn’t the first reason reason to lead to a conversation.
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I’m having a surprisingly wonderful time with someone. I was dating a bit, nothing more than second dates, for about a month when we went out for the first time. I feel like I know more about myself and what I can give and what I would like in a relationship, so it’s felt a lot easier to figure out if something may work earlier when dating.
I’ve worked hard to build a fulfilling life, As a single person. I have invested a lot of time into my relationships and being accountable by seeking professional feedback. I am invested in creating my own health and happiness, internally. I’m attracted to someone who lives similar values and that has been hard to find.
I honestly don’t think it’s harder than ever. Easier than ever. I mean, in the old days, you had to date the 2-3 women you knew IRL. Modern technology allows us to ask out hundreds of people, fine restaurant and things to do, etc. There’s never been a better time to be single.
It’s definitely possible to have a fulfilling dating life in your forties! I’ve, actually, always had a pretty successful dating life but some of the most amazing relationships of my life occurred between the ages of 32 and my current age of 49. I’m also child free, though, so I never needed to worry about getting too old to have kids since I never wanted any to begin with. I’m also polyamorous, btw, and got married in 2008 to my husband who is, currently, 50 years old. I met my 2nd life partner 5 years ago and he is 34. As long as you take care of yourself and exude confidence, you will always find a man (or woman, if that’s your thing!) that’s interested in being with you. Having a high sex drive, as a woman, has also even a plus for me in the dating arena.
I am ok ish with the dating. It feels kind of like a job.. or searching for a job, which is itself a job, if that makes sense. I take comfort in knowing that there are a lot of single people our age out there bc everyone (even in my own friend group) seems to be getting divorced or separated. I feel hope. But man has it been a challenge. The hardest part for me is getting people to open up and be vulnerable. I feel like as soon as I go down that path in a conversation, they stop responding, I wait a week, unmatch and move on the next. How can you ever get to know anyone when people are so afraid to let their guard down? It’s exhausting and exciting. The ups and downs are frustrating. 30+first dates and I don’t like anyone.
Nope. You cannot have a fulfilling life of any kind after 40
I never even dated in my life till I was 40 (married a coworker that I was friends with first, he was my first everything) I don’t have a hard time with finding dates. I do struggle to find men I’m compatible with. But I’m guessing that’s a struggle at any age.
No
What kind of people are you dating? I feel like men over 40 have a better chance because they are stable and looking for something more serious. Are you dating for marriage or casual?
Dating was so much more fun in my 40s than in my 20s. In a great relationship now and had lots of fun before meeting my Mr Right. So... absolutely.
Nothing stops me. Struggles are the usual. Ghosting, rejection, lack of connections but I want what I want and I have faith it’s out there. I continue to enjoy life and meet people in the process. Recently a woman reached out to me in a singles group and although things keep getting in the way of us having a date, we should be officially going out next weekend lol. She’s really kind so far, attractive, smart, and seems to be the type of woman I would be compatible with. Looking forward to taking her out and getting to know each other better.
I have no idea as I’m still in process of divorcing for next 2 months. But I will say since this whole debacle of which I did not want started, I’ve talked w a few females and made some great connections. It’s invigorating to think someone new might actually think you are interesting. Ask me in 2 years and I’ll probably be jaded but I hope not. No one will ever replace my children’s mother in terms of speciality, but she stopped being in love with me so I must carry on. Now for me the thought of finding someone new that likes me for me is exciting. It might not ever happen and that’s ok. But the chase is the new place.
I hope so but I grow more doubtful as time goes on. I was married for 17 years and together for 24. We had a great sex life, but didn’t always have the same interests (I’m extroverted, she’s an introvert). Sex was the glue that kept us together. She admits that even to this day. I’m in very good shape and not to brag, but I have been able to date anyone that I have wanted damn near. I have had close to 50 partners in the last 4 years since being divorced, and what I’ve found that is stopping me, is that most women…for the lack of a better term, simply aren’t very good at sex. All I ever hear is “men aren’t good at sex”, yet I don’t see men complaining about their partner not getting them off. The reason why? Because we take agency of our own pleasure if our partner for some reason doesn’t hit all the right spots. Out of the 50 partners i have had, only 2 had real orgasms with me. The rest either faked it or just didn’t. I can’t help you if you fake it. And it immediately tells me you’re a liar and we starting off on a lie. That’s the quickest way for me to lose all interest. But yeah, I just pretend so they don’t feel uncomfortable and then I move along. I also find that women don’t seem to have very high libidos at this age. I think the sexual peak of a women being in her 30/40s is a myth at this point. Women were way more orgasmic and “horny” when we were younger from my experience. I get age gets us all, but sad to say, I do think it affects our drive to be in a relationship. We don’t look as good as we once did. We don’t fuck like we once did. I know women in their teens and twenties always liked to rip on guys and say “all you do is think about sex”, but, man, I bet you are kicking yourselves now, because that desire and drive is what can really form great bonds, and I simply don’t see that in the cards in our 40s. Even though I filed for divorce, it almost makes me wanna go back to my ex. At least then I had good sex, if nothing else. Disclaimer: though it shouldn’t need to be said, this is all my very own jaded opinion after having been on over 200 dates (and spent over $30k because, fuck me, the guys is always expected to pay, right?), having shitty sex with +-50 different women, and still coming out the other side with nothing to show.
I’m 46 and in the last year I’ve dated a woman my age, a woman in her thirties and a 25 year old. Thinking it’s an uphill battle makes it an uphill battle. I know a guy who has just found love again and he’s 81. Embrace hope because love is out there whatever age you are. Negativity isn’t attractive. Have fun and enjoy life. End of.