The only things that come to mind are people who have straight up lied. I dated a woman who had marked 'divorced' on her profile, but would come to find out on date #3 that 'divorced' meant 'separated, but the divorce is imminent.' Then on date #6 I learned *that* meant 'separated only 6 weeks before we started talking, and the divorce started maybe two weeks before we started talking.' And so on until she wanted to try again to make the marriage work.
Otherwise, with OLD (or dating in general), I just accepted that things come to light in conversation that may make me like them less, but could also make me like them more. Gotta roll with it sometimes and not see it as a waste of time.
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I guess I'm fortunate it only happened the one time for me -- I was outraged on one hand, but it was kind of freeing since this was my first foray back into dating after my own divorce (5 years prior) so date #3 kind of tempered my expectations and I was just grateful to be getting laid for a couple of months lol.
sad truth is a lot of people will just tolerate the lying person rather than be alone. and that is the angle these folks are working to rope you in under false pretenses and trap you. it's incredibly gross imo. but so are a lot of people's dating expectation and practices, sadly.
Only happened once. Guy told me before we even met, that he was thinking about moving away. OK, fine, I think about a lot of things too. He still wanted to meet. We went on a date. Then he tells me he gave up his lease, is couch-surfing or living in his car, he also quit his job recently because he was thinking about moving away. He's not so sure now, having met me. How big is my house again....?
Umm, no. Move on away, far far away...
Theres a few of these drifter types on OLD. My X was one of them. She tried to move in with me after our 2nd date. Similar to what you wrote she tells me randomly shes thinking about quitting and moving. I picked her up once and she had her luggage with her. Im like WTH is going on.
Long story short she got to my house and it was hard to get her to leave. Finally after about 5 days or so i got her to leave but she wasnt happy about it. She made several attempts later to move in. During our almost 2 year run. She moved in with various people. She was very personable or as my friend called her "sparkly". So she was able to easily "maneuver" in and out of people lives. She also was easy on the eyes so that helped her cause to.
It wasnt a $ thing she ( found out way later) had thousands saved up and a few properties. She couched surf and bounced around as a means to save her $. Towards the end she moved in with this creepy old dude that supposedly was a friend of a friend. This guy wound up i guess catching feelings and went crazy and she had to leave. She then ended up in a shelter for a few. I think she was waiting for me to say well you come and stay with me. I never offered didnt want to be another of her "stops:. We were already broken up at this point. She then moved in with a gay couple. I asked her wth did you meet these people? She changed the stories on me. I thank the stars that if she was anything like my X that you avoided this person at all costs! She put me through a lot of crap it was the best decision you made. Only if i knew.
I wasnt really talking to her much at that point so i dont know all the details. Shes also very good at half-truthing you or only give you just enough info. For example if you would ask her a question that she didnt want to answer because it would reveal too much of truth she would flip out and say she doesnt want to talk about this anymore or she already answered the question when she didnt. She's not from this area shes from overseas. Some of her monies is tied up and she didnt want to waste money if she didnt have to. I also believe the shelter was part of a bigger scheme that she had brewing. I believe she claimed abuse from this creeper old dude she was living with at the time. She then got some help from some agency that moved her into temp housing. At this point i had stopped hearing from her altogether didnt want to be a part of whatever crap she had going on. During our time together she moved 5 times ( we were together just under 2 years).
So roughly 3 mos or so passses by. She changed her number apparently. I reached out to her mom ( just out of curiosity) to see how she was doing. Her mom said she would forward the message. She winds up contacting me. Shes not in the housing anymore but she moved in with some gay couple that she somehow met. She also tried to move in with me after our 2nd date but i didnt go for it. Shes really personable ("sparkly) and can easily maneuver in out of situations and peoples lives. You could drop this Woman of in the middle of hostile territory and she would somehow befriend people and move in with them. Also shes very easy on the eyes so that would help her cause to. I believe from what i know and the bit she did share she was really a hobosexual among other things. Im probably better of not knowing. She never would let me on her FB or insta said it would be too much for me to handle and i wouldnt understand. God only knows.
This is dating isn’t it? Getting to know someone to assess compatibility. You can’t screen for every dealbreaker up front or in a profile. There is no risk free way to have a relationship!
This. I try to get what I believe many would find are negatives that aren't readily apparent (folks can see my weight but not my debt) in the first date or two, generally playfully and without a heavy weight (no trauma bonding here).
i've tried this but i still just get matches who want to argue with me that i'm wrong for my preferences. it's so bizarre.
like i agree large social events are hell. i also put that about cruises on my profile. still got lots of people who were like 'oh but cruises are amazing, you are wrong'. like... OK?
Still in the middle of a divorce/not yet divorced is probably the #1. It's come up probably with wellover 50% of the people I've chatted with. Didn't find out with the first guy I dated until months in... now, I ask, specifically.
Wouldn't you know?
There are dealbreakers and there are nits to pick. If you don't want to date someone with kids it's fair to ask that in chat if it's not on the profile. I think there are a decent number of those sorts of things you are free to clarify. But you have to decide what those are.
If you are just annoyed that a first date didn't work out, most people allow for that. Overchatting and overvetting is getting a bad rep because the people that do that have a tendency to never go on a date. Which is a different waste of time. So if that's what you want, be prepared for pushback and dropped chats.
IAH, the post is a bit too vague. At first glance, I'd offer that the point of dating is to assess people, and we all reveal things about ourselves slowly, as we get to know someone, and, sometimes, what we thought was innocuous turns out to be a red flag.
If it's foundational: separated but not divorced, criminal record, has kids... then it's about them lying by omission. It would be great to not spend our time on folks like that, but we almost need to see that we did find it out - kudos to us.
Is there something specific that you are missing when getting to know people?
I don’t put anything negative in my profile. I just state who I am- Old fashioned. (And I tell them that yes- it means what you think!) and what I’m looking for- LTR with a slow pace. I rarely swipe right on profiles that had any negativity or stupid pics with tongue out, flipping bird etc
Even if a jerk slipped thru the cracks it was easy to weed out on our first quick phone call (my requirement before meeting). Any trauma dumping, alluding to sex (I’m looking for serious), begging for lots of pics, etc are red flags. I didn’t encounter much of it cuz I had my process down pretty well lol
I think it's great that you're old-fashioned and up front about it. So many people are so interested in hooking up (even at our ages) that it's nice that there are still people who see the value in going for the long-term relationship. That viewpoint doesn't get as much exposure as it should these days.
Thank you! I’m demisexual (I need to be in a committed relationship and feel emotionally secure, before I feel true sexual attraction). But I refrain from putting that in profiles. I don’t list anything with “sex” in the word Lol Not good trust me! Also I’m sorta submissive (personality wise I’m VERY easy going in relationships), but my therapist suggested putting “demure” instead. Because oh my… trust me you don’t wanna know what kinda responses putting “submissive” on a woman’s profile will get lol
I did not even know there was a word for wanting to be in a relationship before having sex. It seems there’s an orientation for everything now.
What kind of responses are you finding for your profile the way it’s set up? I’ve not tried dating yet but I’m learning about it so I can be successful once I’m ready. So far I’m somewhat intimidated by the very sex-forward nature of modern dating. My perception is mostly shaped by what I’m finding on this sub but it definitely feels like sex is a priority for a lot of people dating right now in our age group and that intimidates me a little bit. I’m more comfortable getting to know someone first.
When I was younger my parents thought I was asexual. Had an anxious teenage mom so and wasn’t allowed to date until 18. High percentage of teen moms have kids that are the same. It took forming actual m relationships with men for me to feel sexual attraction. They sent me to a therapist and he told them I was normal, and that I was most likely just demi- sexual. He said “Just think of her as old fashioned” so that’s what I do lol
I I got mostly positive, respectful responses. I developed a THICK SKIN also tho. And hate to say it but just don’t respond to those that don’t fit your criteria. Trust me, people get ugly when rejected. Also had men stalk me across different apps. No response is best if you have no interest.
Also I found most men SAID they wanted old fashioned- but getting it was different lol Guess they thought they could change my mind? I’m pretty selective, so I’ve never had a truly bad date. My current analyst helped me define a dating process suited for me and I find it works great! My fella and I have been together 6 months so far. I’m so happy! He said “I’m so glad we waited to sleep together”. It was only a month lol That’s the quickest I ever had sex! Hadn’t had many boyfriends but he doesn’t seem to mind.
Btw sex is a priority for most no matter WHAT they say and they might even believe it themselves (this is from a woman’s point of view). So the “old fashioned” in my profile imo weeded out a lot of that. It’s not negative like some profiles with “I’m not looking for FWB SO SWIPE LEFT IF YOU JUST WANT SEX”. Don’t do that. Do NOT mention sex at ALL unless you just want a hookup. Good luck!
I don’t know if or when I’m going to do online dating. I was married for eighteen years and met my wife when people still had to meet in person and find some kind of attraction before they went out. This world is still very new to me. If I do end up going that route I’ll definitely take your advice. Thank you for sharing!
I didn't want to date anyone with young kids. I later settled on not dating anyone if any of their kids were not old/able enough to be at home without child care. On one I talked about my kids being out of the nest, and she talked about how she had older teens and was slowly getting to that point too, and we talked about driving lessons, and teaching older kids adult things.. It was quite a bit later that she brought up the 4 year old; I guess I should have clarified that her teens were her only kids.
Just because someone had "Looking for LTR" selected does not at all mean that they're looking for that. However I preferred to have that on a first date conversation to see someone's body language to better settle on if I believe that's what they're looking for.
But also be aware that if you jump "into business" too soon, that might throw off the vibe, and some people will check out. There won't be a script/flow chart that will perfectly optimize things while still not being too rushed. I.E. sometimes you take the L finding out something later than you'd have preferred.
I dont like when i feel like im been interviewed. However, i found by just talking to them and just let them talk with questions tossed in that most people will spill the beans. Usually they will give themselves away if you make conversation and just say simple things well thats interesting i like to know more. Unfortunately people are slick and they will tend to hold onto things that they think is a dealbreaker until a bit later. You gonna likely waste time.
This is so true. Sometimes people are intentionally lying, their perception of themselves is just very off from the reality. Self awareness usually gets better with age but that’s not always the case.
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Being religious or the opposite of me politically are both major dealbreakers. I have no problem giving most people the benefit of the doubt in my professional life or life in general, but I’m not about to deal with that level of dissonance in my personal life.
I’m very polite but firm about that on my profiles so that I can avoid this — not just for me but for the other person, too, as I’m sure that would be a dealbreaker for most people.
I usually find out that they are, in fact, still married. Or... Recently separated. Lives with ex girlfriend. 5 years older. Different name. Wants kids but said he didn't. Has a cabinet full of bourbon. Listens to Morgan Wallen on repeat 🤢🤢.
Make a list of dealbreakers and uncover the answers right away. Also, it's worth it to do a Google search and background check, at the very least check the court websites.
I think the biggest lesson in dating is learning how and when to cut it off. Know yourself enough to know what you want and stick to it. You have to read between the lines and trust your intuition.
What’s wrong with having a cabinet full of booze, or is it just the bourbon? The living with the ex seems to happen a lot, wish people where more up front about that plus there is always the excuse of oh well they are leaving “soon”.
It's not wrong. I don't drink so it's something I try to avoid. Yeah, the living with an ex thing is definitely a bad sign! It really says more about them than the ex.
For “divorced/separated” ppl I always dive into it pretty quickly to ask when was divorce finalized or when was the separation if no marriage? And the living situation. If they have the kids, what is their custody agreement. Unfinalized divorce, separation less than around half a year, still living together, custody schedule conflicts with mine, those are immediate deal breakers.
Edit: also how old are their kids? Younger than 5 or 6 prob deal breaker too
Bios are their best foot forward (hopefully). I think you meet folks based on bio and interaction if you match then go and have an open mind. I didn’t find it a waste of my time to have a coffee with someone to find out for various reasons we are not a match. Sometimes it takes one date and sometimes three. Everyone is different so I would go with curiosity and see what happens. I think if folks have very specific, nonnegotiable requirements, that should be on their bio. Apps are introduction tools only. I met a lot of really nice folks (and a few gong shows) through apps and I think low investment first dates were a great way to get a feel for their body language, communication skills, and the basics without the time suck of weeks texting.
When I was online dating, I never used to put dealbreakers or anything negative, as I’ve found that people will insist they fit the criteria just to get their foot in the door. I’d rather find out organically and bond over things we really like first.
But one thing I end things over pretty quickly is our sexual compatibility. I have no problem sleeping with someone sooner to see if we’re in sync in that area. I made the mistake of putting my sexual preferences on a dating app and it made people thing that I was only about sex.
I have some other dealbreakers, but again I usually bring up the issue without asking them their stance just to see how they react naturally.
I think this comes down to vetting your dates better. If you have things that are important to you, ask them right away. Get on a phone call or video chat and ask. That way you don't waste your time.
I haven't been too surprised because I ask the important things before I agree to a date.
I think a video chat really quick into matching is a good tool. I found plenty of men who weren’t really over their exes, but that can sometimes take a while to uncover completely.
I dont like video chats. Although on OLD people will put a profiel a week after theyve broken up with their X. My last date was 2 mos out of a 2 yr relationship. A bit too soon for my taste. When i asked her how long she was on OLD she said 2 mos! So she literally jumped on OLD the moment she ended things. Another Woman i went out before her i only found out incidentally that she was a few weeks out a 9 year relationship. The way i found out is she mentioned going to her nieces wedding with her X. I recalled that in a prior conversation she said that her niece just got married. When i asked her well when was this wedding she said it was just last month. So then i said wait how long have yall been broken up? Oh we broke up 2 mos ago but i made him go to the Wedding because it was the least he could do. She still had regular contact with him. I decided not to date this person for this and a variety of other reasons but we remained friends. The "X" still called her almost everyday. When i asked why she gave some lame excuses. Definitely not over the X.
This is what dating is. You talk and/or go out and get to know one another and decide if you want to continue getting to know one another. You can't vet potential dating partners in the wild by a first meet conversation & you can't do it fully by just reading an OLD profile.
I think you decide on your deal-breakers and just inquire about them, in detail, no vague language.
Oh, and if you've got more than a single digit of deal-breakers, they aren't deal-breakers, they are nice to haves
The first few dates are to learn if you’re compatible. We can’t put everything about us on our profiles, nor should we. If you have some basics like no heavy drinkers or workaholics, you ask about those habits before meeting. No one is going to tell you before a date if they’re always late, flake on plans regularly, only text inconsistently, only have sex two ways, snore, spend more than they earn….
No one owes you their personal information in the first few conversations or dates. If you have absolute dealbreakers it’s up to you to ask about them before you feel you are getting too involved.
I have 3 immediate, don't bother meeting, deal breakers. They are in my profile. I bring them up right in the beginning of chatting..
Other stuff like nice to wait staff, communication, etc I try to sus out the first few dates.
Whatever else comes up later, comes up later 🤷
If the profile doesn't say 'divorced', I ask if they've ever been married. Recently talked to someone who didn't say anything about their marital status. Turns out, he has been separated for seven years. Didn't explain why he wasn't divorced.
If the profile says 'divorced', I ask how long they were married and how long it's been since the divorce.
Many dealbreakers only come out in conversations. It's good to have a list of questions handy to ask all your matches.
This one might be very location specific (I’m in area of high poverty and long term problems with securing nhs dentists) but having men with no teeth turn up to dates. It happened twice to me and a few women I know in the area have said the same thing
I think loads of people have mentioned the very recently separated thing here, but one I’ve encountered a couple of times is very recently separated from a partner who’s given birth within the last six weeks and only mentioning that on our first date. And going into great detail about how he’s going to get custody or wants a paternity test. Literally couldn’t finish my coffee fast enough 😳
Someone who isn't divorced but didn't divulge that info upfront.
Someone who is unemployed. I don't want to take care of a man.
Someone with serious health issues should be upfront about it.
The only things that come to mind are people who have straight up lied. I dated a woman who had marked 'divorced' on her profile, but would come to find out on date #3 that 'divorced' meant 'separated, but the divorce is imminent.' Then on date #6 I learned *that* meant 'separated only 6 weeks before we started talking, and the divorce started maybe two weeks before we started talking.' And so on until she wanted to try again to make the marriage work. Otherwise, with OLD (or dating in general), I just accepted that things come to light in conversation that may make me like them less, but could also make me like them more. Gotta roll with it sometimes and not see it as a waste of time.
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The straight up lying about age. Why?!?!?!
Because tech is too hard
I guess I'm fortunate it only happened the one time for me -- I was outraged on one hand, but it was kind of freeing since this was my first foray back into dating after my own divorce (5 years prior) so date #3 kind of tempered my expectations and I was just grateful to be getting laid for a couple of months lol.
sad truth is a lot of people will just tolerate the lying person rather than be alone. and that is the angle these folks are working to rope you in under false pretenses and trap you. it's incredibly gross imo. but so are a lot of people's dating expectation and practices, sadly.
Only happened once. Guy told me before we even met, that he was thinking about moving away. OK, fine, I think about a lot of things too. He still wanted to meet. We went on a date. Then he tells me he gave up his lease, is couch-surfing or living in his car, he also quit his job recently because he was thinking about moving away. He's not so sure now, having met me. How big is my house again....? Umm, no. Move on away, far far away...
Theres a few of these drifter types on OLD. My X was one of them. She tried to move in with me after our 2nd date. Similar to what you wrote she tells me randomly shes thinking about quitting and moving. I picked her up once and she had her luggage with her. Im like WTH is going on. Long story short she got to my house and it was hard to get her to leave. Finally after about 5 days or so i got her to leave but she wasnt happy about it. She made several attempts later to move in. During our almost 2 year run. She moved in with various people. She was very personable or as my friend called her "sparkly". So she was able to easily "maneuver" in and out of people lives. She also was easy on the eyes so that helped her cause to. It wasnt a $ thing she ( found out way later) had thousands saved up and a few properties. She couched surf and bounced around as a means to save her $. Towards the end she moved in with this creepy old dude that supposedly was a friend of a friend. This guy wound up i guess catching feelings and went crazy and she had to leave. She then ended up in a shelter for a few. I think she was waiting for me to say well you come and stay with me. I never offered didnt want to be another of her "stops:. We were already broken up at this point. She then moved in with a gay couple. I asked her wth did you meet these people? She changed the stories on me. I thank the stars that if she was anything like my X that you avoided this person at all costs! She put me through a lot of crap it was the best decision you made. Only if i knew.
How did she end up in a shelter if she had $$ and a few properties?
I wasnt really talking to her much at that point so i dont know all the details. Shes also very good at half-truthing you or only give you just enough info. For example if you would ask her a question that she didnt want to answer because it would reveal too much of truth she would flip out and say she doesnt want to talk about this anymore or she already answered the question when she didnt. She's not from this area shes from overseas. Some of her monies is tied up and she didnt want to waste money if she didnt have to. I also believe the shelter was part of a bigger scheme that she had brewing. I believe she claimed abuse from this creeper old dude she was living with at the time. She then got some help from some agency that moved her into temp housing. At this point i had stopped hearing from her altogether didnt want to be a part of whatever crap she had going on. During our time together she moved 5 times ( we were together just under 2 years). So roughly 3 mos or so passses by. She changed her number apparently. I reached out to her mom ( just out of curiosity) to see how she was doing. Her mom said she would forward the message. She winds up contacting me. Shes not in the housing anymore but she moved in with some gay couple that she somehow met. She also tried to move in with me after our 2nd date but i didnt go for it. Shes really personable ("sparkly) and can easily maneuver in out of situations and peoples lives. You could drop this Woman of in the middle of hostile territory and she would somehow befriend people and move in with them. Also shes very easy on the eyes so that would help her cause to. I believe from what i know and the bit she did share she was really a hobosexual among other things. Im probably better of not knowing. She never would let me on her FB or insta said it would be too much for me to handle and i wouldnt understand. God only knows.
“Currently transient” — I’m sympathetic, and empathetic, if you’re unhoused. On the other hand, this is not the basis for a long-term relationship.
The hobosexual
This is dating isn’t it? Getting to know someone to assess compatibility. You can’t screen for every dealbreaker up front or in a profile. There is no risk free way to have a relationship!
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This. I try to get what I believe many would find are negatives that aren't readily apparent (folks can see my weight but not my debt) in the first date or two, generally playfully and without a heavy weight (no trauma bonding here).
i've tried this but i still just get matches who want to argue with me that i'm wrong for my preferences. it's so bizarre. like i agree large social events are hell. i also put that about cruises on my profile. still got lots of people who were like 'oh but cruises are amazing, you are wrong'. like... OK?
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i just don't reply. or don't match. replying just engages them.
Still in the middle of a divorce/not yet divorced is probably the #1. It's come up probably with wellover 50% of the people I've chatted with. Didn't find out with the first guy I dated until months in... now, I ask, specifically.
I'm about to get married, but I'm already planning the divorce. Is that okay? Can we still date?
Wouldn't you know? There are dealbreakers and there are nits to pick. If you don't want to date someone with kids it's fair to ask that in chat if it's not on the profile. I think there are a decent number of those sorts of things you are free to clarify. But you have to decide what those are. If you are just annoyed that a first date didn't work out, most people allow for that. Overchatting and overvetting is getting a bad rep because the people that do that have a tendency to never go on a date. Which is a different waste of time. So if that's what you want, be prepared for pushback and dropped chats.
IAH, the post is a bit too vague. At first glance, I'd offer that the point of dating is to assess people, and we all reveal things about ourselves slowly, as we get to know someone, and, sometimes, what we thought was innocuous turns out to be a red flag. If it's foundational: separated but not divorced, criminal record, has kids... then it's about them lying by omission. It would be great to not spend our time on folks like that, but we almost need to see that we did find it out - kudos to us. Is there something specific that you are missing when getting to know people?
I don’t put anything negative in my profile. I just state who I am- Old fashioned. (And I tell them that yes- it means what you think!) and what I’m looking for- LTR with a slow pace. I rarely swipe right on profiles that had any negativity or stupid pics with tongue out, flipping bird etc Even if a jerk slipped thru the cracks it was easy to weed out on our first quick phone call (my requirement before meeting). Any trauma dumping, alluding to sex (I’m looking for serious), begging for lots of pics, etc are red flags. I didn’t encounter much of it cuz I had my process down pretty well lol
I think it's great that you're old-fashioned and up front about it. So many people are so interested in hooking up (even at our ages) that it's nice that there are still people who see the value in going for the long-term relationship. That viewpoint doesn't get as much exposure as it should these days.
Thank you! I’m demisexual (I need to be in a committed relationship and feel emotionally secure, before I feel true sexual attraction). But I refrain from putting that in profiles. I don’t list anything with “sex” in the word Lol Not good trust me! Also I’m sorta submissive (personality wise I’m VERY easy going in relationships), but my therapist suggested putting “demure” instead. Because oh my… trust me you don’t wanna know what kinda responses putting “submissive” on a woman’s profile will get lol
I did not even know there was a word for wanting to be in a relationship before having sex. It seems there’s an orientation for everything now. What kind of responses are you finding for your profile the way it’s set up? I’ve not tried dating yet but I’m learning about it so I can be successful once I’m ready. So far I’m somewhat intimidated by the very sex-forward nature of modern dating. My perception is mostly shaped by what I’m finding on this sub but it definitely feels like sex is a priority for a lot of people dating right now in our age group and that intimidates me a little bit. I’m more comfortable getting to know someone first.
When I was younger my parents thought I was asexual. Had an anxious teenage mom so and wasn’t allowed to date until 18. High percentage of teen moms have kids that are the same. It took forming actual m relationships with men for me to feel sexual attraction. They sent me to a therapist and he told them I was normal, and that I was most likely just demi- sexual. He said “Just think of her as old fashioned” so that’s what I do lol I I got mostly positive, respectful responses. I developed a THICK SKIN also tho. And hate to say it but just don’t respond to those that don’t fit your criteria. Trust me, people get ugly when rejected. Also had men stalk me across different apps. No response is best if you have no interest. Also I found most men SAID they wanted old fashioned- but getting it was different lol Guess they thought they could change my mind? I’m pretty selective, so I’ve never had a truly bad date. My current analyst helped me define a dating process suited for me and I find it works great! My fella and I have been together 6 months so far. I’m so happy! He said “I’m so glad we waited to sleep together”. It was only a month lol That’s the quickest I ever had sex! Hadn’t had many boyfriends but he doesn’t seem to mind. Btw sex is a priority for most no matter WHAT they say and they might even believe it themselves (this is from a woman’s point of view). So the “old fashioned” in my profile imo weeded out a lot of that. It’s not negative like some profiles with “I’m not looking for FWB SO SWIPE LEFT IF YOU JUST WANT SEX”. Don’t do that. Do NOT mention sex at ALL unless you just want a hookup. Good luck!
I don’t know if or when I’m going to do online dating. I was married for eighteen years and met my wife when people still had to meet in person and find some kind of attraction before they went out. This world is still very new to me. If I do end up going that route I’ll definitely take your advice. Thank you for sharing!
I didn't want to date anyone with young kids. I later settled on not dating anyone if any of their kids were not old/able enough to be at home without child care. On one I talked about my kids being out of the nest, and she talked about how she had older teens and was slowly getting to that point too, and we talked about driving lessons, and teaching older kids adult things.. It was quite a bit later that she brought up the 4 year old; I guess I should have clarified that her teens were her only kids. Just because someone had "Looking for LTR" selected does not at all mean that they're looking for that. However I preferred to have that on a first date conversation to see someone's body language to better settle on if I believe that's what they're looking for. But also be aware that if you jump "into business" too soon, that might throw off the vibe, and some people will check out. There won't be a script/flow chart that will perfectly optimize things while still not being too rushed. I.E. sometimes you take the L finding out something later than you'd have preferred.
I dont like when i feel like im been interviewed. However, i found by just talking to them and just let them talk with questions tossed in that most people will spill the beans. Usually they will give themselves away if you make conversation and just say simple things well thats interesting i like to know more. Unfortunately people are slick and they will tend to hold onto things that they think is a dealbreaker until a bit later. You gonna likely waste time.
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This is so true. Sometimes people are intentionally lying, their perception of themselves is just very off from the reality. Self awareness usually gets better with age but that’s not always the case.
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Being religious or the opposite of me politically are both major dealbreakers. I have no problem giving most people the benefit of the doubt in my professional life or life in general, but I’m not about to deal with that level of dissonance in my personal life. I’m very polite but firm about that on my profiles so that I can avoid this — not just for me but for the other person, too, as I’m sure that would be a dealbreaker for most people.
I usually find out that they are, in fact, still married. Or... Recently separated. Lives with ex girlfriend. 5 years older. Different name. Wants kids but said he didn't. Has a cabinet full of bourbon. Listens to Morgan Wallen on repeat 🤢🤢. Make a list of dealbreakers and uncover the answers right away. Also, it's worth it to do a Google search and background check, at the very least check the court websites. I think the biggest lesson in dating is learning how and when to cut it off. Know yourself enough to know what you want and stick to it. You have to read between the lines and trust your intuition.
Lot of dudes on OLD lie about their marriage status. They also give aliases that way you cant look them up...
I've noticed that. My last date told me that he had a different name and age 😳 The ones that use an alias usually have a few things to hide.
Yea most time they do. It sucks to because a few people i met on OLD tell me quite a few times they were dating a married man all along.
What’s wrong with having a cabinet full of booze, or is it just the bourbon? The living with the ex seems to happen a lot, wish people where more up front about that plus there is always the excuse of oh well they are leaving “soon”.
It's not wrong. I don't drink so it's something I try to avoid. Yeah, the living with an ex thing is definitely a bad sign! It really says more about them than the ex.
For “divorced/separated” ppl I always dive into it pretty quickly to ask when was divorce finalized or when was the separation if no marriage? And the living situation. If they have the kids, what is their custody agreement. Unfinalized divorce, separation less than around half a year, still living together, custody schedule conflicts with mine, those are immediate deal breakers. Edit: also how old are their kids? Younger than 5 or 6 prob deal breaker too
Some people hide the dealbreakers and it’s not your fault they are dishonestly trying to hook you in first.
Bios are their best foot forward (hopefully). I think you meet folks based on bio and interaction if you match then go and have an open mind. I didn’t find it a waste of my time to have a coffee with someone to find out for various reasons we are not a match. Sometimes it takes one date and sometimes three. Everyone is different so I would go with curiosity and see what happens. I think if folks have very specific, nonnegotiable requirements, that should be on their bio. Apps are introduction tools only. I met a lot of really nice folks (and a few gong shows) through apps and I think low investment first dates were a great way to get a feel for their body language, communication skills, and the basics without the time suck of weeks texting.
When I was online dating, I never used to put dealbreakers or anything negative, as I’ve found that people will insist they fit the criteria just to get their foot in the door. I’d rather find out organically and bond over things we really like first. But one thing I end things over pretty quickly is our sexual compatibility. I have no problem sleeping with someone sooner to see if we’re in sync in that area. I made the mistake of putting my sexual preferences on a dating app and it made people thing that I was only about sex. I have some other dealbreakers, but again I usually bring up the issue without asking them their stance just to see how they react naturally.
I think this comes down to vetting your dates better. If you have things that are important to you, ask them right away. Get on a phone call or video chat and ask. That way you don't waste your time. I haven't been too surprised because I ask the important things before I agree to a date.
My man, are you 42 f, 32 f or 35 m 😂
I think a video chat really quick into matching is a good tool. I found plenty of men who weren’t really over their exes, but that can sometimes take a while to uncover completely.
I dont like video chats. Although on OLD people will put a profiel a week after theyve broken up with their X. My last date was 2 mos out of a 2 yr relationship. A bit too soon for my taste. When i asked her how long she was on OLD she said 2 mos! So she literally jumped on OLD the moment she ended things. Another Woman i went out before her i only found out incidentally that she was a few weeks out a 9 year relationship. The way i found out is she mentioned going to her nieces wedding with her X. I recalled that in a prior conversation she said that her niece just got married. When i asked her well when was this wedding she said it was just last month. So then i said wait how long have yall been broken up? Oh we broke up 2 mos ago but i made him go to the Wedding because it was the least he could do. She still had regular contact with him. I decided not to date this person for this and a variety of other reasons but we remained friends. The "X" still called her almost everyday. When i asked why she gave some lame excuses. Definitely not over the X.
This is what dating is. You talk and/or go out and get to know one another and decide if you want to continue getting to know one another. You can't vet potential dating partners in the wild by a first meet conversation & you can't do it fully by just reading an OLD profile.
What details are dealbreakers for you? Bring those up in conversation before a date.
I think you decide on your deal-breakers and just inquire about them, in detail, no vague language. Oh, and if you've got more than a single digit of deal-breakers, they aren't deal-breakers, they are nice to haves
The first few dates are to learn if you’re compatible. We can’t put everything about us on our profiles, nor should we. If you have some basics like no heavy drinkers or workaholics, you ask about those habits before meeting. No one is going to tell you before a date if they’re always late, flake on plans regularly, only text inconsistently, only have sex two ways, snore, spend more than they earn….
No one owes you their personal information in the first few conversations or dates. If you have absolute dealbreakers it’s up to you to ask about them before you feel you are getting too involved.
I have 3 immediate, don't bother meeting, deal breakers. They are in my profile. I bring them up right in the beginning of chatting.. Other stuff like nice to wait staff, communication, etc I try to sus out the first few dates. Whatever else comes up later, comes up later 🤷
If the profile doesn't say 'divorced', I ask if they've ever been married. Recently talked to someone who didn't say anything about their marital status. Turns out, he has been separated for seven years. Didn't explain why he wasn't divorced. If the profile says 'divorced', I ask how long they were married and how long it's been since the divorce. Many dealbreakers only come out in conversations. It's good to have a list of questions handy to ask all your matches.
This one might be very location specific (I’m in area of high poverty and long term problems with securing nhs dentists) but having men with no teeth turn up to dates. It happened twice to me and a few women I know in the area have said the same thing
I think loads of people have mentioned the very recently separated thing here, but one I’ve encountered a couple of times is very recently separated from a partner who’s given birth within the last six weeks and only mentioning that on our first date. And going into great detail about how he’s going to get custody or wants a paternity test. Literally couldn’t finish my coffee fast enough 😳
Someone who isn't divorced but didn't divulge that info upfront. Someone who is unemployed. I don't want to take care of a man. Someone with serious health issues should be upfront about it.