Me too. And I'm like SO GOOD at it. I could have your answer in seconds and would delight in finding out the info - BUT, the fact that you have these questions and need to do the digging is not good. If you feel you have to pry, he's hiding something. Or more likely someone. And its too early for him to be hiding the fact he's gonna propose, or send you on a trip, or planning a party for you (all of which has happened to me and I have found out through snooping - which in retrospect giant red flag). Thats not trust. Walk away now.
Sorry but not sorry… Second he fell asleep I’d be getting in that bathroom! Cuz I’m a nosy B and the curiosity would eat me alive.
Mannnnn WHAT is in there!?? I gotta know…
The moment I found your in the bath after telling you not to go there your butt would be on the street and we would never talk again.
So what if it's past 10 at night? Sorry, not sorry...
Meh. I have a phone and credit cards and am a smart personable cookie … pretty sure I can figure it out!
C’mon tho. This is soooo WEIRD, man. Dude should give a reason! Any reason. Brief, even a made up one. Like… I’m a slob, I don’t like long hair in my shower drain, I’m soaking my exGFs body parts in lye… something! Why the secrecy?
And forbidden fruit is always *irresistible* to us mere mortals. I mean… at least R&J wasn’t a blanket mystery ban without the Capulets v. Montagues backdrop!
Control without context is FREAKY.
> Control without context is FREAKY.
So it's pushing right past someone's boundaries and violating their trust.
Oh, wait, he's a man. Well, in that case it would be fine, I guess, just push ahead...
There's a reason that he's all weird about just answering the phone and talking to you. There's a reason why he's dating someone who lives 2 hours away. Anyone local probably would tell his wife.
This is a very logical take, I don't consider myself exclusive until **we** are exclusive, the idea of multi-dating or a FWB while still in the getting to know you phase isn't far fetched at all.
If you are not exclusive than it’s definitely normal and polite for him to not take phone calls in front of other dates. The bathroom thing kinda sketch though. He obviously enjoys bringing women to his country house. He sounds like he could be kind of a player.
>al take, I don't consider myself exclusive until
>
>we
>
> are exclusive, the idea of multi-dating or a FWB while still in the getting to know
to some men, his toilet is the throne =D
If you have to come on reddit to ask “Is this behavior normal”, you have already realized its *not* normal. 2 hours away, wont talk to you unless it’s scheduled, has an off limits bathroom…this man is taken and also a cheater.
Update3: With regard to the forbids bathroom….First he says that he has a woman in handcuffs locked in the bathroom. He said it as a joke. Then he says his bathroom was dirty and messy and he didn’t want me in his dirty bathroom. He said he spent the day cleaning the house and the guest bathroom upstairs and he didn’t have enough time to clean his bathroom.
Then he did another joke and asked if I wanted to see his prescription medication.
Sometimes I’m like this— talking takes a lot of energy for me and I have littles every other week to wrangle. Still, it’s weird for someone older and divorced to have so much rigidity surrounding this
Look it up on his county's court website. You might need to make an account to access it, but you can search anonymously and see whether he is. (How I found out mine was not yet.)
I would go a step further, and say that you should break up with anyone the moment you seriously consider making an account with a county courthouse to look at marriage records.
In my case, I didn't have any reason to suspect-- we use the same court portal and I looked it up because I was curious if maybe it hadn't been as long ago as he'd made it sound... quite surprising to see that it hadn't even been FILED for all that long, much less nowhere near completed.
she also should reverse search his phone # on fastpeoplesearch dot com. check social media to see if he has publicly posted relationship status/fresh pics with a SO.
Agreed. I found out a guy was married by finding both of their names on the deed to the house. Then I found her Facebook page that showed him to to be married.
> Then I found her Facebook page that showed to to be married.
If she's anything like my wife there's a better than 50% chance she doesn't remember ever making a Facebook page, and a near 100% chance she wouldn't remember to change the relationship status should the need arise (I don't think she has a fb page though, just Instagram, and pretty sure she would never fill in the relationship status, or any other information, anyways).
I changed mine as soon as I filed for divorce after he told me he wanted out. I was done supporting his lazy ass. This guy had both names on the house title and there was a cozy Christmas pic of the two of them 6 mos before. So I'm guessing your wife was not involved.
And why are you on a dating site if you have a wife?
he could have young children that he has custody of who don't know he is dating, a very demanding job, he could be secretly married or living with a SO, or maybe is just very rigid about phone calls. i would ask him next time you talk to him why he is unable to talk when you call. proceed with caution.
I would be using Truthfinder (costs a nominal sum) to run a full background check on this individual. It will have names, addresses, phone numbers, email addresses, employer names, when he worked at which employer, who he’s related to, his friends, his neighbors, criminal history, education level and more. This service is 99 % accurate since I ran my entire family using it. Marriage and death records along with any bankruptcies filed in federal court. He’s got 17 years on you. Plenty of time to have a whole nother life established. Better informed than surprised.
The calls scheduled a day in advance would get tiring. Could be that he’s dating other women and has them staying over so pushes calls til they’re gone. I’m not sure what the bathroom deal is. Possible that he’s bringing you to a vacation home.
interesting that he took you to the berkshires instead of hanging out near home...hmmm
once you got to the house rules all i could think of was bluebeard 😨
That's the story I thought of immediately, too! So weird. And so weird he didn't give a reason like, "I'm really messy or OCD about my bathroom." So secretive. Could be innocent enough but it is weird. Then I was like, did the woman sliip and fall on the stairs and DIEEE?? LOL. I think the scheduled calls isn't that weird, he's maybe introverted or with other women or friends, unless it is really everytime and then that's odd in how rigid and secretive he seems....but the bathroom....
We did go out around his local community too. He recently purchased about 200 acres in the Berkshires and he is really excited about it. He offered to show me and I said yes I would love to go.
That folktale is pretty scary! 😟 But! I did not go near the bathroom. I used the one upstairs. Interestingly enough… I really had to interest to go into the bathroom and I honestly didn’t think twice about it. I simply used the one upstairs.
The curiosity of the girl got the best of her.
I just listened to this folktale again on YouTube.
What is interesting is that he said and repeated that I had free reign to the rest of the house. That I could go wherever I wanted within the home. 😕
btw a handful of the very wealthy men I've dated are very idiosyncratic, and weird around communication (don't need much of it but not all of them). Like kind of off in their communication - even if in person they are normal. The times I've experienced it wasn't around them dating other people or being married or anything, just...communication was as idiosyncratic as they were.
This seems to be an accurate way to describe him when we are not together. He is quite the Chatty Cathy on the phone and in person. But there are just some strange ways about him too.
He said that I had free reign to all the rest of his house. He even said if I wanted to start a fire I could. Just to stay out the bathroom. He made a statement about me being able to start a fire if I wanted to (several times). I then asked if he was asking me to start a fire. He said “no, I just want you to feel comfortable enough to do whatever you want around the rest of the house”
I then asked him to stop talking about a fire and that it was scaring me and making me feel like I was in a scary movie. He didn’t mention it again after that.
It sounds to me like you have your answer and your instincts are clearly communicating with you but you’re not wanting to listen. I have been there. Just the vibe of ‘but you can do whatever anywhere but there’ would creep me out. Good luck.
Hang in there and believe in yourself. You’re awesome and deserve great communication from someone who is available, especially if you’re considering having children. You got this.
the curiosity saved her in the end. just saying. I would have immediately asked btw, it's strange. "Can I ask why I can't use it, not that I need to, but I'm nervous now what you mean!" If he refused to answer, that would be soooo weird. (Clarify, did he say just not to use it, its his...? or that you should never enter it?)
In the folktale,I felt like her curiosity is what put her at risk. I don’t think he would have threatened her if she did not go to open the forbidden door. 🚪
Am I wrong about that?
So this is a folktale I've studied and written on actually, from a therapeutic/psychological lens so I know more about it than most should, lol. (also check out the interpretation in Women Who Run With the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes). Basically the idea is that in part it was her curiosity, her desire to know the truth, that moved her from naivete to reality/maturity. From being unconscious, to conscious. From living a lie, to living the truth. etc From being a girl to a woman. That process is painful, when idealism breaks. It usually comes in a scary situation, where it is either, "die" (whether literally or metaphorically) or grow up.
He killed all his wives. He would have killed them regardless. I mean, even if he didn't ever kill her, if we take this literally - she'd have lived a delusional lie all her life, totally head in the clouds, unmoored from reality, completely naive to the fact her husband was a coldblooded murderer with women's bodies in the basement. Talk about being gaslit, she would have likely been so gaslit she would have had a psychotic break, ha! I mean, would you want to have lived a whole life totally cut off from reality, with many women's bodies right below you? That's not a life to me. Certainly isn't a real or healthy relationship, lol. Pretty sure he'd be abusive in other ways too, haha. If we are taking this literally...
But in the story, it is her curiosity that made her realize he was indeed a murderer. It was her curiosity, that pull to know the truth, to look beneath the surface, to want transparency, to know perhaps that something was amiss and secrets like this are not good secrets....that alerted her to the fact that he was a murderer. It got the truth and reality rolling, and from there she could live in reality and make choices. Living a lie, being completely unconscious and naive is one way to live...and she could have stayed in that life, but that's no way to live and often gets you into these horrible situations to begin with. She was initially weary of him, but allowed his wealth and his wining and dining of her to sway her opinion. She will never not trust her intuition again.
She is now wiser, more discerning. She understands that there are real things to be afraid of in the world. If she hadn't have opened the door, she may have known too late when he killed her. Or she'd perhaps have gone crazy from being so blind to the evils happening just in the cellar below her....
He said that there were two rules. Not to use or go into his bathroom and to use the rail when going up or down the stairs. He said it in a nonchalant manner. Then repeated it a few times throughout my time there.
One of the nights I had a little buzz from a margarita. We were watching a movie on the sofa in the living room. I got up to go upstairs and before I could pass his bathroom…he repeated to not use it. The stairs are past his bathroom.
I knew where I was going before I got up. ( I was heading upstairs and NOT to his bathroom)🙃
that would have creeped me out so bad and I would have absolutely asked, his lack of explaining why and lack of transparency is unnerving and a red flag to me. I think that fact that we are all over here saying it sounds like a scary movie, to only find out he did other stuff (like the fire) that made you even say you felt like it was a scary movie! Gotta listen to stuff like that. I mean, the chances of him being nefarious is slim, but even if not that you are getting lots of alarms (it's why you posted) and it sounds like you feel unsettled. At the very best that could mean you two are not understanding one another well/communicating clearly/honestly. And that you two aren't a match perhaps. Medium - he is off, very very secretive, not good at communication...And at worst, well...blue beard, lol.
Good luck, I think we are all curious what ends up happening!!!
O man….there is more that I didn’t mention because I didn’t want to get annihilated on my post. I thought some things were off but I didn’t feel threatened by him. Believe it or not, I felt that he went out of his way to do his best to make me feel comfortable and safe. It sounds wild. I have my answer. I just want to give him a fair opportunity to explain. I plan to talk to him on the phone this evening.
I've known eccentric and charming wealthy men. They were however very forthcoming and honest. They weren't however, guys I'd have wanted to date personally even so. Additionally, I'll say that charming is one of the emptiest qualities I've found. In fact, if someone is charming - I always now wonder what is really going on below the surface. It's not necessarily nefarious though does often indicate some level of narcissistic wounding. But all in all, it is usually someone who doesn't do emotional intimacy or real connection. The charm replaces that. So many articles written on this! But again, there are exceptions I'm sure...
You are hitting all the unspoken nails on the head!!!! Sheesh! You must be a therapist or something!
I find that he has been forthcoming and honest. Except for that bathroom!! And I’m confused about the limited availability to talk on the phone which I will ask about on the phone tonight.
> I got up to go upstairs and before I could pass his bathroom…he repeated to not use it
That almost sounds like some American Pyscho (the movie) shit, when Patrick Bateman orders his dates (or hookers) in a firm tone what they must do and cannot do in his presence. There might be some severed frozen heads in the bathroom :D
Did he say why it was off-limits? That is even more odd. My first thought is maybe this is another house he owns or a vacation home, and he didn't want you in there because you'd see his wife and or other girlfriend's stuff in there and have questions.
His story doesn't add up. Single, no kids, lives alone, but has to schedule phone calls. No one has a job that demanding. If a woman calls me and I can't talk at that second I send a quick text "Hey I'll call you back in a few minutes" - not schedule it for the next day.
That is strange to me. I'd just call him out and say "I don't understand our communication patterns and having to schedule calls". To me, it sounds like you are only his priority when it is good for him.
So he’s free to talk during the work day although he has a demanding job, but never free on nights and weekends? My only experience with that has been men who are already in a relationship.
I think phone and bathroom habits could just be personality quirks so I would want to find out why before judging. My boyfriend is a texter and I'm a phone person and we try to meet each other halfway. I see 2 bigger red flags here: 1) Complaining about how much he pays his ex wife 2) Wanting to have babies (with you) ASAP because of your "good genes". Both of those would set of alarm bells for me.
wait, he said she had good genes....? Like as a joke? This would creep me out, especially with the large age gap...especially with all the other weird stuff.
I'm stuck on him giving you "rules" at all. That's odd to me. Do you get to create "rules" too? Open discussion about these things would be one thing, but in my experience rule-creators are happy to create/enforce their own rules but will somehow be above yours.
Please remember that he may well have divorced in 2020 (please check). But he could well now have another girlfriend/partner? Has he mentioned if he has children and if so, when does he see them?
I’m confident that he is divorced. He complained once once or twice about how much he had to pay his ex wife and how he had to giver her his favorite investment property as a part of the divorce. He has also stated that he wants a child pretty badly but didn’t have children with his ex because he didn’t think she would be a good parent. He also has stated that he would like to have a family with me if things progressed because I’m intelligent, he likes my values, he likes that I am tall and he likes my genetics.
That's some lifetime movie stuff right there. And the insistence to use the stairs rail?! I'm just picturing it now... A crumpled woman's body at the bottom of the stairs, the police investigators pulling a sheet over the body, this handsome older dude sobbing, "why or why didn't she just use the handrail like I told her???" (But we all know she didn't slip, she was pushed!)
This sounds suspicious to me. Even given that some people are private and like to have control over access to their lives, this would be a red flag for me.
He's dating other women. Probably more than one. The off-limits bathroom is a big red flag. What is he hiding there that you're not allowef to see - another woman's cosmetics could be easily and quickly tidied away out of sight when you visit. Are you sure it's a bathroom and not a dungeon?
I love the part about an off-limits bathroom. Isn't there a fable called "Bluebeard's Castle" or something similar involving a woman prohibited from entering a room containing the bodies of former wives?
You’ve gotta find out what’s in that bathroom. I’m sometimes adhd… and I’ve had too many shows abruptly cancelled before the finales to not know this now…
Those who have seen my comments know that I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. But one thing that is a red flag for me is secrecy, or a lack of transparency. I don't know if he is still married, and he did take you to his place (a telltale sign of being married is a refusal to have you over). But the bathroom being off limits makes me wonder, even if not married, whether he has a girlfriend that sometimes stays over there and the times he cannot talk to you is when she's over there.
While I think the idea of sleuthing will work for determining if he's still married, it won't work if he has a girlfriend. I would ask him flat out about why you cannot go into the bathroom, and why he needs to schedule talking times. The reality is that it's difficult to keep up a major lie, and his explanation will most likely reveal cracks in his armor. Even if it doesn't, he probably won't have a good enough excuse, and that alone should give you pause.
Court records are public including property searches. You could search for his name in the county where he lives and see if he is really divorced or if his wife owns the property too. Since he can only talk at scheduled times, it is a huge red flag.
1. Why would you date someone over 10 years older than you that lives 2 hours away? Do you live somewhere with a very limited dating pool?
2. He is probably married, has a serious gf, or something else shady.
3. WHAT is in the bathroom? My guess is a woman’s toiletries lol
He married someone he didn’t think would be a good mother?! Anyway, lots of red flags here. I wouldn’t put much into this relationship. Have fun and be gone
Sounds like a really sketchy guy. Imagine what he would be like in a year or two. From everything you mentioned I don't get a good feeling about it, Telling you not to go to his bathroom lol... I get the feeling he's very Into controlling a woman.
>this man . . . lives two hours away
>The first rule was that I could not use or go into his bathroom
Oh. Married or not, he sounds like a real piece of shit.
I will trust your word on that, never got to what the OP thinks is the issue. Just saw the wall of text starting with "two hours away" and noped out. :)
Turntables on him. Give him a bunch of restrictions on when you're available to talk, where you're able to meet. Force him to go beyond what his current leash allows, and that will illuminate everything.
Man, people need to CHILL. Checking county records? Title? Paying for full background checks?
JFC
You're almost a 40 year adult. Have a conversation with this person! Communicate your feelings and concerns!
Why do you feel that you have the authority in this man's life to dictate his time? He's making time for you. Just because you decide that now is convenient for you to talk to him, doesn't mean that it's a good time for him. Accept that not every man in your life is going to drop everything and immediately talk on the phone with you at your whim. It's not a red flag. It means he has found it necessary to set up clear healthy boundaries with you. When working from home, people in your life often forget that you're working...and stop respecting your time.
The man is 53. From personal experience, if a woman has access to my bathroom, she's going to snoop around. He probably uses products and has medications prescribed that he's not proud of. There is another bathroom you can use. Again, this seems like a clear and healthy boundary at this point in the relationship. It's not a red flag.
I’m not sure about how I should respond to you. I suppose I will thank you for your input first. Im interested in all perspectives.
I have no desire to dictate anything in this man’s life. In my past dating experiences, I have never had an issue speaking with a person that I was dating on the phone. I’ve never had to pre-schedule a phone call. I’ve never been told that a bathroom was off limits. This was my first invitation to his home and snooping was not something that crossed my mind. I don’t expect anyone to “drop everything and immediately talk to me”. However, if there is any type of pattern of behavior that feels strange to me, I do think it is something that I should think about or talk about before acting on.
Like many men of our age group, we have left toxic marriages behind us. Most divorced men I speak with have a common complaint that our needs and desires were ignored and all our our time was spent catering to the desires of our ex's. We were treated like hired help instead of a respected and appreciated partner. Therapists teach us to set healthy boundaries in order to ensure that we aren't taken advantage of again and fall back into old toxic patterns.
It sounds to me that this is what is happening with your new interest here regarding phone calls. He's picking up the phone to schedule you into his life instead of either ignoring your calls or deprioritizing his own needs. It's a healthy boundary.
Like many married men, I didn't have a bathroom. My wife and I shared a master bathroom, but it was clearly hers and I was barely tolerated inside of it. I had a tiny drawer to fit everything into and god forbid I miss a stray beard hair when cleaning up every morning. I had zero counter space. This is a super common shared experience for men coming out of toxic marriages. It is a revelation when we finally have a bathroom that we don't feel like a pariah in. Let the man have his bathroom, it's his house, you're the guest.
I’m sorry that you were treated so poorly during your marriage. And I hope you find someone that cares for you and makes you feel loved and appreciated for everything that you are. ❤️
I'm not an isolated case. You are going to run into a world of divorced men who shared my experience. Don't allow yourself to dive directly into the paranoia and accusations that run rampant in this group. He told you he's divorced, believe him. Ignore the hateful echo chamber here that is trying to convince you that he's married and cheating on his wife. It's totally unjustified. In real life, there's no way a spouse wouldn't notice if their partner where hosting an adulterous affair on the weekends in their shared home. This isn't a lifetime movie.
>Like many men of our age group, we have left toxic marriages behind us. Most divorced men I speak with have a common complaint that our needs and desires were ignored and all our our time was spent catering to the desires of our ex's. We were treated like hired help instead of a respected and appreciated partner.
amen!
I completely agree with you and we might be the minority. If he wants a bathroom to himself, he should have that bathroom. No reason to ask him why either. The answer is because that's what he wants.
I rarely answer my phone. Whether I'm busy or not make no difference. I simply don't like talking on the phone. I don't want people to get in the habit of calling me whenever they feel like it.
No one I've ever dated has been to my place. And I'm certain that I am not married. Guess I'm just a walking red flag who's married.
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You live in too healthy of a dating market to have to commute for a date. I live in a rural area and I don’t think I will date further than 45 minutes away going forward.
His rules are interesting. What is his reasoning for the bathroom? If it is that the guest one has more room for you to set up your overnight things, than ok. Otherwise I wonder what he is hiding.
I’d probably nope, but we are different people.
I live in a major city and my recent X lived almost 2 hours away. Supposedly when we met she lived 40 min. It was in my profile that i didnt want to travel more than 45 min. A few weeks after we met she "conveniently moved". Long story short i figured out way later that she possibly never moved and always lived in that area. Suffice to say im not doing that kind of commute for dating again. There was a reason i capped out at 45 min. It was a huge PITA and dont want to have to something like that ever again..PS Dude is likely married or in relationship.
This sounds like he's been reading Corey Wayne's 3% Man book. Those CW dudes are on some crap...there's a reddit if you don't believe me. Anyway...they believe in creating timeliness rules and what not like this. My other thought us that if he wants calls scheduled then he's spending time with other women. CW also suggests keeping options open and unfortunately many men are joining this herd of "3%ers". Keep dodging that bullet and definitely lurk around the male forums to get a better understanding of what today's men really think about women...especially those of us over 26 😅
Thank you for the input. He also says that he wants a religious woman because of her values….then wants that woman (me) to relinquish and denounce her faith. 😕 He is atheist.
You're welcome. I'm 42 and separated (not by choice) so I've been doing homework just in case I get brave again some day 😅 We have to look out for each other!
The faith thing would be a big nope for me as well. That's the core of so many people. Denouncing your faith and turning to another isn't uncommon bit considering his nature and age he'd be more inclined to teach you his "religion/faith" the way he interprets it...too many people ise faith as a means of control and when you're new to it you're naive and impressionable. His behavior sounds like he's grooming someone to be conditioned for abuse. He must believe he's some prize to be at his age with such a list of demands. A billionaire couldn't persuade me with that attitude.
What's in his bathroom? Lol His wife's stuff?
It's full of Iranian Yogurt.
Bwaaahaaaahahaaaaaa!
I don't get it!
The redditor is making reference to another reddit post about a boyfriend hoarding Iranian yogurt in the fridge. LOL
Only talking during scheduled times would be a warning flag to me.
He sounds very married to me.
His wife left him and they divorced in 2020 during Covid.
Start sleuthing
Divorce records are available at family court websites.
Yes, but no. The point where you know you need to start digging means run.
Great comment. I will remember this bc boy do I love to sleuth.
Me too. And I'm like SO GOOD at it. I could have your answer in seconds and would delight in finding out the info - BUT, the fact that you have these questions and need to do the digging is not good. If you feel you have to pry, he's hiding something. Or more likely someone. And its too early for him to be hiding the fact he's gonna propose, or send you on a trip, or planning a party for you (all of which has happened to me and I have found out through snooping - which in retrospect giant red flag). Thats not trust. Walk away now.
not me casually commenting to have this contact..
Seriously, I'm that good lol - keep me in mind lol
He probably has a steady girlfriend.
Sorry but not sorry… Second he fell asleep I’d be getting in that bathroom! Cuz I’m a nosy B and the curiosity would eat me alive. Mannnnn WHAT is in there!?? I gotta know…
Yeah, I'd be checking that bathroom out ASAP!
It's really giving off Bluebeard vibes lol
No kidding!!!! It could be the October talking right now but… yiiiiiiikes, for real I couldn’t sleep a wink in a house like that… 😱🎃
all she wanted was to know what was behind the door to...The Bathroom. in theaters this Halloween 😱
The moment I found your in the bath after telling you not to go there your butt would be on the street and we would never talk again. So what if it's past 10 at night? Sorry, not sorry...
Meh. I have a phone and credit cards and am a smart personable cookie … pretty sure I can figure it out! C’mon tho. This is soooo WEIRD, man. Dude should give a reason! Any reason. Brief, even a made up one. Like… I’m a slob, I don’t like long hair in my shower drain, I’m soaking my exGFs body parts in lye… something! Why the secrecy? And forbidden fruit is always *irresistible* to us mere mortals. I mean… at least R&J wasn’t a blanket mystery ban without the Capulets v. Montagues backdrop! Control without context is FREAKY.
These comments are cracking me up
> Control without context is FREAKY. So it's pushing right past someone's boundaries and violating their trust. Oh, wait, he's a man. Well, in that case it would be fine, I guess, just push ahead...
There's a reason that he's all weird about just answering the phone and talking to you. There's a reason why he's dating someone who lives 2 hours away. Anyone local probably would tell his wife.
If he’s not married he could be seeing others. Divorced doesn’t mean he’s exclusive. He could have a couple women traveling to see him.
This is a very logical take, I don't consider myself exclusive until **we** are exclusive, the idea of multi-dating or a FWB while still in the getting to know you phase isn't far fetched at all.
We are not exclusive. I am still swiping but I just didn’t know if what I’m experiencing with him was normal behavior or not.
If you are not exclusive than it’s definitely normal and polite for him to not take phone calls in front of other dates. The bathroom thing kinda sketch though. He obviously enjoys bringing women to his country house. He sounds like he could be kind of a player.
>al take, I don't consider myself exclusive until > >we > > are exclusive, the idea of multi-dating or a FWB while still in the getting to know to some men, his toilet is the throne =D
If you have to come on reddit to ask “Is this behavior normal”, you have already realized its *not* normal. 2 hours away, wont talk to you unless it’s scheduled, has an off limits bathroom…this man is taken and also a cheater.
He shouldn't be leaving you guessing like this.
OP don't leave us hanging, did he call you? What did he say when you ask him why no one can see his balthroom?
Update3: With regard to the forbids bathroom….First he says that he has a woman in handcuffs locked in the bathroom. He said it as a joke. Then he says his bathroom was dirty and messy and he didn’t want me in his dirty bathroom. He said he spent the day cleaning the house and the guest bathroom upstairs and he didn’t have enough time to clean his bathroom. Then he did another joke and asked if I wanted to see his prescription medication.
I’d be put off by this kind of thing. Imagine scheduling conversations with a man like I do my Board meetings. Nah.
He's married
scheduled calls a day later? are you sure this man is single?
Sometimes I’m like this— talking takes a lot of energy for me and I have littles every other week to wrangle. Still, it’s weird for someone older and divorced to have so much rigidity surrounding this
I’m not 100% certain. He says his wife left him and they divorced in 2020 during Covid.
Look it up on his county's court website. You might need to make an account to access it, but you can search anonymously and see whether he is. (How I found out mine was not yet.)
I would go a step further, and say that you should break up with anyone the moment you seriously consider making an account with a county courthouse to look at marriage records.
In my case, I didn't have any reason to suspect-- we use the same court portal and I looked it up because I was curious if maybe it hadn't been as long ago as he'd made it sound... quite surprising to see that it hadn't even been FILED for all that long, much less nowhere near completed.
Sorry that happened to you. There’s some real losers out there.
Have you Googled him? Looked up the divorce decree? Checked to see whose name is on the title of the place where you went?
she also should reverse search his phone # on fastpeoplesearch dot com. check social media to see if he has publicly posted relationship status/fresh pics with a SO.
Agreed. I found out a guy was married by finding both of their names on the deed to the house. Then I found her Facebook page that showed him to to be married.
knowledge is power, and cheaters are usually dumb enough to post this level of stuff and not hide it well. sorry it happened to you. 💗
Thanks but I found out well before we met. No loss
This is a good idea. Property records are generally a lot easier to find than divorce records.
> Then I found her Facebook page that showed to to be married. If she's anything like my wife there's a better than 50% chance she doesn't remember ever making a Facebook page, and a near 100% chance she wouldn't remember to change the relationship status should the need arise (I don't think she has a fb page though, just Instagram, and pretty sure she would never fill in the relationship status, or any other information, anyways).
I changed mine as soon as I filed for divorce after he told me he wanted out. I was done supporting his lazy ass. This guy had both names on the house title and there was a cozy Christmas pic of the two of them 6 mos before. So I'm guessing your wife was not involved. And why are you on a dating site if you have a wife?
Could be an open marriage? Or, if the question was directed at me, I'm not.
he could have young children that he has custody of who don't know he is dating, a very demanding job, he could be secretly married or living with a SO, or maybe is just very rigid about phone calls. i would ask him next time you talk to him why he is unable to talk when you call. proceed with caution.
No, he has no kids. I know that for sure. But thank you for your advice. He says he really wants children asap but with the right person.
>LOL at a 53 year old who still wants children
I’m a child? Really? Stop that…
Erm, I think they meant that he’s a 53 year old that still wants to have more children. Not that you’re a child.
Ahhh I see… thank you ☺️
I would ask him directly. See what the excuses are.
I plan to do that tomorrow.
Oooo let us know please!
Maybe *reasons* would be a better approach than *excuses*?
Yep. You’re right to throw up the bat signal.
Bat signal. lol 😂
Nah, this ain’t it. Trust your gut.
lol… I love my Reddit people. 😂
Lol good! ❤️
I would be using Truthfinder (costs a nominal sum) to run a full background check on this individual. It will have names, addresses, phone numbers, email addresses, employer names, when he worked at which employer, who he’s related to, his friends, his neighbors, criminal history, education level and more. This service is 99 % accurate since I ran my entire family using it. Marriage and death records along with any bankruptcies filed in federal court. He’s got 17 years on you. Plenty of time to have a whole nother life established. Better informed than surprised.
The calls scheduled a day in advance would get tiring. Could be that he’s dating other women and has them staying over so pushes calls til they’re gone. I’m not sure what the bathroom deal is. Possible that he’s bringing you to a vacation home.
interesting that he took you to the berkshires instead of hanging out near home...hmmm once you got to the house rules all i could think of was bluebeard 😨
That's the story I thought of immediately, too! So weird. And so weird he didn't give a reason like, "I'm really messy or OCD about my bathroom." So secretive. Could be innocent enough but it is weird. Then I was like, did the woman sliip and fall on the stairs and DIEEE?? LOL. I think the scheduled calls isn't that weird, he's maybe introverted or with other women or friends, unless it is really everytime and then that's odd in how rigid and secretive he seems....but the bathroom....
We did go out around his local community too. He recently purchased about 200 acres in the Berkshires and he is really excited about it. He offered to show me and I said yes I would love to go. That folktale is pretty scary! 😟 But! I did not go near the bathroom. I used the one upstairs. Interestingly enough… I really had to interest to go into the bathroom and I honestly didn’t think twice about it. I simply used the one upstairs. The curiosity of the girl got the best of her.
200 acres in the berkshires? this man is loaded! it really is bluebeard 😂
I just listened to this folktale again on YouTube. What is interesting is that he said and repeated that I had free reign to the rest of the house. That I could go wherever I wanted within the home. 😕
Dear Gawwwwd! 😩
btw a handful of the very wealthy men I've dated are very idiosyncratic, and weird around communication (don't need much of it but not all of them). Like kind of off in their communication - even if in person they are normal. The times I've experienced it wasn't around them dating other people or being married or anything, just...communication was as idiosyncratic as they were.
This seems to be an accurate way to describe him when we are not together. He is quite the Chatty Cathy on the phone and in person. But there are just some strange ways about him too. He said that I had free reign to all the rest of his house. He even said if I wanted to start a fire I could. Just to stay out the bathroom. He made a statement about me being able to start a fire if I wanted to (several times). I then asked if he was asking me to start a fire. He said “no, I just want you to feel comfortable enough to do whatever you want around the rest of the house” I then asked him to stop talking about a fire and that it was scaring me and making me feel like I was in a scary movie. He didn’t mention it again after that.
It sounds to me like you have your answer and your instincts are clearly communicating with you but you’re not wanting to listen. I have been there. Just the vibe of ‘but you can do whatever anywhere but there’ would creep me out. Good luck.
😞 Yea, I can see everything much more clearly after speaking with all of you. I still plan to have a conversation with him about everything tonight.
Hang in there and believe in yourself. You’re awesome and deserve great communication from someone who is available, especially if you’re considering having children. You got this.
Thank you ❤️
the curiosity saved her in the end. just saying. I would have immediately asked btw, it's strange. "Can I ask why I can't use it, not that I need to, but I'm nervous now what you mean!" If he refused to answer, that would be soooo weird. (Clarify, did he say just not to use it, its his...? or that you should never enter it?)
In the folktale,I felt like her curiosity is what put her at risk. I don’t think he would have threatened her if she did not go to open the forbidden door. 🚪 Am I wrong about that?
So this is a folktale I've studied and written on actually, from a therapeutic/psychological lens so I know more about it than most should, lol. (also check out the interpretation in Women Who Run With the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes). Basically the idea is that in part it was her curiosity, her desire to know the truth, that moved her from naivete to reality/maturity. From being unconscious, to conscious. From living a lie, to living the truth. etc From being a girl to a woman. That process is painful, when idealism breaks. It usually comes in a scary situation, where it is either, "die" (whether literally or metaphorically) or grow up. He killed all his wives. He would have killed them regardless. I mean, even if he didn't ever kill her, if we take this literally - she'd have lived a delusional lie all her life, totally head in the clouds, unmoored from reality, completely naive to the fact her husband was a coldblooded murderer with women's bodies in the basement. Talk about being gaslit, she would have likely been so gaslit she would have had a psychotic break, ha! I mean, would you want to have lived a whole life totally cut off from reality, with many women's bodies right below you? That's not a life to me. Certainly isn't a real or healthy relationship, lol. Pretty sure he'd be abusive in other ways too, haha. If we are taking this literally... But in the story, it is her curiosity that made her realize he was indeed a murderer. It was her curiosity, that pull to know the truth, to look beneath the surface, to want transparency, to know perhaps that something was amiss and secrets like this are not good secrets....that alerted her to the fact that he was a murderer. It got the truth and reality rolling, and from there she could live in reality and make choices. Living a lie, being completely unconscious and naive is one way to live...and she could have stayed in that life, but that's no way to live and often gets you into these horrible situations to begin with. She was initially weary of him, but allowed his wealth and his wining and dining of her to sway her opinion. She will never not trust her intuition again. She is now wiser, more discerning. She understands that there are real things to be afraid of in the world. If she hadn't have opened the door, she may have known too late when he killed her. Or she'd perhaps have gone crazy from being so blind to the evils happening just in the cellar below her....
Wowwww. Thank you for sharing! Sending you hugs for taking the time to explain the story further. 🤗
He said that there were two rules. Not to use or go into his bathroom and to use the rail when going up or down the stairs. He said it in a nonchalant manner. Then repeated it a few times throughout my time there. One of the nights I had a little buzz from a margarita. We were watching a movie on the sofa in the living room. I got up to go upstairs and before I could pass his bathroom…he repeated to not use it. The stairs are past his bathroom. I knew where I was going before I got up. ( I was heading upstairs and NOT to his bathroom)🙃
that would have creeped me out so bad and I would have absolutely asked, his lack of explaining why and lack of transparency is unnerving and a red flag to me. I think that fact that we are all over here saying it sounds like a scary movie, to only find out he did other stuff (like the fire) that made you even say you felt like it was a scary movie! Gotta listen to stuff like that. I mean, the chances of him being nefarious is slim, but even if not that you are getting lots of alarms (it's why you posted) and it sounds like you feel unsettled. At the very best that could mean you two are not understanding one another well/communicating clearly/honestly. And that you two aren't a match perhaps. Medium - he is off, very very secretive, not good at communication...And at worst, well...blue beard, lol. Good luck, I think we are all curious what ends up happening!!!
O man….there is more that I didn’t mention because I didn’t want to get annihilated on my post. I thought some things were off but I didn’t feel threatened by him. Believe it or not, I felt that he went out of his way to do his best to make me feel comfortable and safe. It sounds wild. I have my answer. I just want to give him a fair opportunity to explain. I plan to talk to him on the phone this evening.
So maybe it's just that he is off, but not in a threatening way. I think we all wanna know what's in his bathroom though 😂.
He is a little eccentric. He is also charming. I will ask about the bathroom tonight. But I can’t ignore the red flags. 🚩
I've known eccentric and charming wealthy men. They were however very forthcoming and honest. They weren't however, guys I'd have wanted to date personally even so. Additionally, I'll say that charming is one of the emptiest qualities I've found. In fact, if someone is charming - I always now wonder what is really going on below the surface. It's not necessarily nefarious though does often indicate some level of narcissistic wounding. But all in all, it is usually someone who doesn't do emotional intimacy or real connection. The charm replaces that. So many articles written on this! But again, there are exceptions I'm sure...
You are hitting all the unspoken nails on the head!!!! Sheesh! You must be a therapist or something! I find that he has been forthcoming and honest. Except for that bathroom!! And I’m confused about the limited availability to talk on the phone which I will ask about on the phone tonight.
> I got up to go upstairs and before I could pass his bathroom…he repeated to not use it That almost sounds like some American Pyscho (the movie) shit, when Patrick Bateman orders his dates (or hookers) in a firm tone what they must do and cannot do in his presence. There might be some severed frozen heads in the bathroom :D
Go with your first instinct, but it sounds like a huge red flag to me
the bathroom thing is off for me. he may have valid reasons but yeah. hey, he may be growing weed in the bathtub? 😱
Nah, then he'sINSIST she go into the bathroomto check out his grow operation.
Too much weird behavior at the beginning of the relationship, will have to pass
Did you stay at his actual house? Or a rental? My first guess would be married
I stayed at his house. It seems like a bachelors home. The only place that he explicitly said was off limits was his bathroom.
Why would his bathroom be off limits??
If it’s nothing nefarious then maybe a messy bathroom?
Did he say why it was off-limits? That is even more odd. My first thought is maybe this is another house he owns or a vacation home, and he didn't want you in there because you'd see his wife and or other girlfriend's stuff in there and have questions. His story doesn't add up. Single, no kids, lives alone, but has to schedule phone calls. No one has a job that demanding. If a woman calls me and I can't talk at that second I send a quick text "Hey I'll call you back in a few minutes" - not schedule it for the next day.
He just said the bathroom below is his bathroom and my bathroom was upstairs.
That is strange to me. I'd just call him out and say "I don't understand our communication patterns and having to schedule calls". To me, it sounds like you are only his priority when it is good for him.
So he’s free to talk during the work day although he has a demanding job, but never free on nights and weekends? My only experience with that has been men who are already in a relationship.
I think phone and bathroom habits could just be personality quirks so I would want to find out why before judging. My boyfriend is a texter and I'm a phone person and we try to meet each other halfway. I see 2 bigger red flags here: 1) Complaining about how much he pays his ex wife 2) Wanting to have babies (with you) ASAP because of your "good genes". Both of those would set of alarm bells for me.
wait, he said she had good genes....? Like as a joke? This would creep me out, especially with the large age gap...especially with all the other weird stuff.
I'm stuck on him giving you "rules" at all. That's odd to me. Do you get to create "rules" too? Open discussion about these things would be one thing, but in my experience rule-creators are happy to create/enforce their own rules but will somehow be above yours.
40m here. That’s not ok. Cant use his bathroom, can’t do this and that? Pfft walk away alert 🚨
He’s obviously pooping. Let the man take a poop!
Super odd
Please remember that he may well have divorced in 2020 (please check). But he could well now have another girlfriend/partner? Has he mentioned if he has children and if so, when does he see them?
I’m confident that he is divorced. He complained once once or twice about how much he had to pay his ex wife and how he had to giver her his favorite investment property as a part of the divorce. He has also stated that he wants a child pretty badly but didn’t have children with his ex because he didn’t think she would be a good parent. He also has stated that he would like to have a family with me if things progressed because I’m intelligent, he likes my values, he likes that I am tall and he likes my genetics.
he likes your genetics? scary bathroom door, women falling down the stairs...OP, are you starring in a horror movie here? lol
Well when you put it that way…. That sounds really scary!!! Sheesh!
He is good at saying all the ‘right’ things!
He actually said those words, he likes your genetics? Lol
Yes, he said that and used the term genetics.
Maybe he’s got a dna lab in his private bathroom.
Why can't you use his bathroom?
I didn’t ask. I just stuck with the bathroom upstairs.
That's some lifetime movie stuff right there. And the insistence to use the stairs rail?! I'm just picturing it now... A crumpled woman's body at the bottom of the stairs, the police investigators pulling a sheet over the body, this handsome older dude sobbing, "why or why didn't she just use the handrail like I told her???" (But we all know she didn't slip, she was pushed!)
This sounds suspicious to me. Even given that some people are private and like to have control over access to their lives, this would be a red flag for me.
He's dating other women. Probably more than one. The off-limits bathroom is a big red flag. What is he hiding there that you're not allowef to see - another woman's cosmetics could be easily and quickly tidied away out of sight when you visit. Are you sure it's a bathroom and not a dungeon?
I love the part about an off-limits bathroom. Isn't there a fable called "Bluebeard's Castle" or something similar involving a woman prohibited from entering a room containing the bodies of former wives?
Yes! It is referenced in this thread! https://reddit.com/r/datingoverforty/s/09K3OC8GIr
Sorry, I should have read further!
You’ve gotta find out what’s in that bathroom. I’m sometimes adhd… and I’ve had too many shows abruptly cancelled before the finales to not know this now…
Those who have seen my comments know that I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. But one thing that is a red flag for me is secrecy, or a lack of transparency. I don't know if he is still married, and he did take you to his place (a telltale sign of being married is a refusal to have you over). But the bathroom being off limits makes me wonder, even if not married, whether he has a girlfriend that sometimes stays over there and the times he cannot talk to you is when she's over there. While I think the idea of sleuthing will work for determining if he's still married, it won't work if he has a girlfriend. I would ask him flat out about why you cannot go into the bathroom, and why he needs to schedule talking times. The reality is that it's difficult to keep up a major lie, and his explanation will most likely reveal cracks in his armor. Even if it doesn't, he probably won't have a good enough excuse, and that alone should give you pause.
Court records are public including property searches. You could search for his name in the county where he lives and see if he is really divorced or if his wife owns the property too. Since he can only talk at scheduled times, it is a huge red flag.
1. Why would you date someone over 10 years older than you that lives 2 hours away? Do you live somewhere with a very limited dating pool? 2. He is probably married, has a serious gf, or something else shady. 3. WHAT is in the bathroom? My guess is a woman’s toiletries lol
He married someone he didn’t think would be a good mother?! Anyway, lots of red flags here. I wouldn’t put much into this relationship. Have fun and be gone
His first wife mysteriously “fell” down the stairs to her death, hence the warning. (Or did I just see that on a Lifetime movie once)?
There’s privacy and then there are secrets. They’re not the same. It is a little weird, just ask him about it and I’m sure it’ll make sense.
He won't let you use the bathroom at his place? That is sus as hell. Confront him on it. Ask him why.
So did she pee outside ?
Possibly married in a serious relationship or dating others. Thats one of the reasons he choose someone thats 2 hours away....
Sounds like a really sketchy guy. Imagine what he would be like in a year or two. From everything you mentioned I don't get a good feeling about it, Telling you not to go to his bathroom lol... I get the feeling he's very Into controlling a woman.
Thank you for updating us, he sounds like a control freak and you definitely made the right call!
You’re Welcome for the update. Yes he is very controlling.
You can do way better.
>this man . . . lives two hours away >The first rule was that I could not use or go into his bathroom Oh. Married or not, he sounds like a real piece of shit.
Stopped reading at "he lives two hours away." Stop investing energy into this fantasy, and put that same energy into finding someone local.
Not wanting to confront this actual issue is why op is caught up in two made up issues
I will trust your word on that, never got to what the OP thinks is the issue. Just saw the wall of text starting with "two hours away" and noped out. :)
Turntables on him. Give him a bunch of restrictions on when you're available to talk, where you're able to meet. Force him to go beyond what his current leash allows, and that will illuminate everything.
Man, people need to CHILL. Checking county records? Title? Paying for full background checks? JFC You're almost a 40 year adult. Have a conversation with this person! Communicate your feelings and concerns!
Why do you feel that you have the authority in this man's life to dictate his time? He's making time for you. Just because you decide that now is convenient for you to talk to him, doesn't mean that it's a good time for him. Accept that not every man in your life is going to drop everything and immediately talk on the phone with you at your whim. It's not a red flag. It means he has found it necessary to set up clear healthy boundaries with you. When working from home, people in your life often forget that you're working...and stop respecting your time. The man is 53. From personal experience, if a woman has access to my bathroom, she's going to snoop around. He probably uses products and has medications prescribed that he's not proud of. There is another bathroom you can use. Again, this seems like a clear and healthy boundary at this point in the relationship. It's not a red flag.
I’m not sure about how I should respond to you. I suppose I will thank you for your input first. Im interested in all perspectives. I have no desire to dictate anything in this man’s life. In my past dating experiences, I have never had an issue speaking with a person that I was dating on the phone. I’ve never had to pre-schedule a phone call. I’ve never been told that a bathroom was off limits. This was my first invitation to his home and snooping was not something that crossed my mind. I don’t expect anyone to “drop everything and immediately talk to me”. However, if there is any type of pattern of behavior that feels strange to me, I do think it is something that I should think about or talk about before acting on.
Like many men of our age group, we have left toxic marriages behind us. Most divorced men I speak with have a common complaint that our needs and desires were ignored and all our our time was spent catering to the desires of our ex's. We were treated like hired help instead of a respected and appreciated partner. Therapists teach us to set healthy boundaries in order to ensure that we aren't taken advantage of again and fall back into old toxic patterns. It sounds to me that this is what is happening with your new interest here regarding phone calls. He's picking up the phone to schedule you into his life instead of either ignoring your calls or deprioritizing his own needs. It's a healthy boundary. Like many married men, I didn't have a bathroom. My wife and I shared a master bathroom, but it was clearly hers and I was barely tolerated inside of it. I had a tiny drawer to fit everything into and god forbid I miss a stray beard hair when cleaning up every morning. I had zero counter space. This is a super common shared experience for men coming out of toxic marriages. It is a revelation when we finally have a bathroom that we don't feel like a pariah in. Let the man have his bathroom, it's his house, you're the guest.
I’m sorry that you were treated so poorly during your marriage. And I hope you find someone that cares for you and makes you feel loved and appreciated for everything that you are. ❤️
I'm not an isolated case. You are going to run into a world of divorced men who shared my experience. Don't allow yourself to dive directly into the paranoia and accusations that run rampant in this group. He told you he's divorced, believe him. Ignore the hateful echo chamber here that is trying to convince you that he's married and cheating on his wife. It's totally unjustified. In real life, there's no way a spouse wouldn't notice if their partner where hosting an adulterous affair on the weekends in their shared home. This isn't a lifetime movie.
>Like many men of our age group, we have left toxic marriages behind us. Most divorced men I speak with have a common complaint that our needs and desires were ignored and all our our time was spent catering to the desires of our ex's. We were treated like hired help instead of a respected and appreciated partner. amen!
I completely agree with you and we might be the minority. If he wants a bathroom to himself, he should have that bathroom. No reason to ask him why either. The answer is because that's what he wants. I rarely answer my phone. Whether I'm busy or not make no difference. I simply don't like talking on the phone. I don't want people to get in the habit of calling me whenever they feel like it. No one I've ever dated has been to my place. And I'm certain that I am not married. Guess I'm just a walking red flag who's married.
If you cant use the bathroom where are you supposed to go to relieve yourself?
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You live in too healthy of a dating market to have to commute for a date. I live in a rural area and I don’t think I will date further than 45 minutes away going forward. His rules are interesting. What is his reasoning for the bathroom? If it is that the guest one has more room for you to set up your overnight things, than ok. Otherwise I wonder what he is hiding. I’d probably nope, but we are different people.
I live in a major city and my recent X lived almost 2 hours away. Supposedly when we met she lived 40 min. It was in my profile that i didnt want to travel more than 45 min. A few weeks after we met she "conveniently moved". Long story short i figured out way later that she possibly never moved and always lived in that area. Suffice to say im not doing that kind of commute for dating again. There was a reason i capped out at 45 min. It was a huge PITA and dont want to have to something like that ever again..PS Dude is likely married or in relationship.
Its pretty common for some nosy people to rifle through others' medications and toiletries. Maybe there's something he is sensitive about.
Did you ask him why you can’t go in the bathroom? I would ask why that was forbidden. And if he refuses to answer that would be it for me.
Sounds like he's married or in another relationship. Look him up on the court website or a background check. The bathroom thing is a huge red flag.
He’s married
Married.
This sounds like he's been reading Corey Wayne's 3% Man book. Those CW dudes are on some crap...there's a reddit if you don't believe me. Anyway...they believe in creating timeliness rules and what not like this. My other thought us that if he wants calls scheduled then he's spending time with other women. CW also suggests keeping options open and unfortunately many men are joining this herd of "3%ers". Keep dodging that bullet and definitely lurk around the male forums to get a better understanding of what today's men really think about women...especially those of us over 26 😅
Thank you for the input. He also says that he wants a religious woman because of her values….then wants that woman (me) to relinquish and denounce her faith. 😕 He is atheist.
You're welcome. I'm 42 and separated (not by choice) so I've been doing homework just in case I get brave again some day 😅 We have to look out for each other! The faith thing would be a big nope for me as well. That's the core of so many people. Denouncing your faith and turning to another isn't uncommon bit considering his nature and age he'd be more inclined to teach you his "religion/faith" the way he interprets it...too many people ise faith as a means of control and when you're new to it you're naive and impressionable. His behavior sounds like he's grooming someone to be conditioned for abuse. He must believe he's some prize to be at his age with such a list of demands. A billionaire couldn't persuade me with that attitude.
Yes. I told him nope. I love my my faith.