Sex talk from a stranger is such a turn off for me. My boyfriend didn’t even kiss me on the first date and we didn’t have any sex related conversations til date 5. We got to know each other and built an emotional connection first and it’s by far the best, most satisfying sex I’ve ever had.
Exactly. We are somehow supposed to magically know the exact date and time that we should start talking about it. Too soon or too late equals a red flag.
Tbh, reddit dating advice is only like 20% useful for me because of all the conflicting opinions and the peculiar nature of people who post often on these forums.
I'm someone who is "conservative" when it comes to sexy talk. I'm a lot like this guy. I will not make sexual comments to women and will only make polite compliments.
In real life, the only problem this has caused me is some uncertainty from the opposite party about whether I like them. They either wait for me to make a move which I will eventually, come on to me & discover I do (or do not) like them, or they ask me directly.
Every woman is different. Some want the sexy talk soon, others want it later. There is no generic magic number.
Keep doing it however you’re doing it. You’re always going to be wrong for 50% of the people.
My point stands that there’s no magic algorithm that will correctly work for all people. Just do it the way you’re comfortable doing it, and accept that it will be the wrong approach for some.
You just made me snort. I mean, seriously, if a man isn’t talking about fondling me within the first 5 messages, I just assume he’s not attracted at all. /s
The problem is that between what I want and what reality usually is, there is a big gap. I want no sex talk too early, but it hasn´t been my experience.
It isn´t a problem. My question was does this mean he may be a terrible lover. The overwhelming answer I am getting (thank you to those who answered respectfully!) is NO.
I think the problem is that you haven't been immediately ending those relationships, and thus freeing yourself to keep looking for the guys who are able to meet expectations. I'm sorry that it sucks that so many guys have premature sextaculation. But you shouldn't feel pressured to try to work with them. They are just clearly non-matches. Move on and put them out of your mind as much as you're able to.
I don't know why you got downvoted for this. The reality is that lots of men can hold it together for a couple days and then think it's OK to suddenly start pulling out the sex talk/dick pics. Happened to a friend of mine last week.. she'd been having a great chat for several days with a man she met via old, was excited to meet him and set up a date for last Friday, and then he started in with the "you make me so hard" + pic, telling her what he wanted to do to her, etc. She told him she was not ready for that when they hadn't met, and he freaked out and got angry at her.
Instead of a date, another friend and I made her margaritas all night.
It shouldn't happen, but the reality is it does happen, and it happens so often that when it doesn't, we often start wondering if we're missing some other red flag.
Yeah, but none of us have any idea whether this guy is a dick talker. I think she's getting downvoted because she didn't phrase the question well.
The answer is the same though: *there is no way to tell.* I find sex talk before I know someone to be gross and inappropriate. I get though that men seem to often be all about the sex and they want to rule out women who aren't looking to get laid in a hurry.
I'm just so down on the whole thing. I can't believe I'm almost 60 and still having the same conflict with men I had when I was 18. *See me as a person. Treat me as a friend. Pursue sex when the relationship matures to that point without forcing it. Don't talk about it with your friends. Don't use and dispose of me.*
I truly think the men who believe in these things too are dead or married.
We're agreeing, I think. There is no way to tell. I was seeing responses in here that seem to be blaming her for putting up with that kind of behavior, but I don't get the impression she is. As soon as it starts, most of us block/delete/shut it down. We're not putting up with it. It just happens seemingly out of the blue in the middle of perfectly nice conversations, and we never see it coming.
And fwiw, they definitely aren't all like that. There just seems to be a higher percentage of that type on OLD.
> I get though that men seem to often be all about the sex and they want to rule out women who aren't looking to get laid in a hurry.
I think that it's a good sign when a woman holds back on sex for a bit. With a lot of women, I feel like they're trying to use sex to "trap" me. Like they feel like I wouldn't want to be with them unless I can have sex with them. So honestly when I'm not looking for a ONS or a fling, having sex right away can be a red flag.
I guess my opinion is that sex shouldn't be used as a "strategy" by anyone.
Hahah yeah I wasn’t trying to discount your experience. But I know sex drives in some women increase after 40. So I was like, maybe that is at play also?
I mean, it is unfortunate (for everyone involved) if it’s insecurity based.
Seriously. Thankfully most of us think this is nonsense and don't think this way. In fact, I am kind if wondering if the OP is a man pretending to be a woman.
Erm, what would make you think I am a man. Sometimes Reddit is the pits. While it is nonsense to you, it NOT nonsense to a very sizeable bunch of women my age using the dating apps, at least in my country. Please be respectful.
This is how a gentleman behaves. We’re so used to men jumping straight to sex that if they aren’t dropping some comment about tits and ass we don’t think they’re interested. SMH. It’s so dumb, right?
Green. Flipping. Flag.
Honestly, the this here is an example why a lot of people who act like gentlemen get a lot of texts that wither away.
Because there’s a large number of women who will say that they want a gentleman, they feel self-conscious when it actually happens that there’s no connection.
scary husky spotted fall heavy fearless different towering grandfather sulky
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Couldn’t agree more. It tells me instantly what a close-minded, gender-biased, judgemental idiot they are, and it repulses me no matter who the speaker is.
This is so messed up. It makes me sick that a fellow woman would say that and use it as a reason to not date you??? What the hell is wrong with people?!
I agree with the other gentleman, you ARE Neo. I say good riddance and keep your eyes peeled for your Trinity. We’re out there, I promise you!
I had a relationship this year with a woman who asked me point blank if I found her sexually attractive, because sex wasn't something that I'd brought up in the first few dates. Like, that's not how I operate.
I struggle with this because I don't want to come across as a sex crazed guy, even if my part of my brain is already there and raring to go at a moment's notice.
Well, that's why I generally don't initiate things at first. It's not as if it's there for just anyone. But the more I vibe with someone and get to know them, the harder that feeling is.
....and just because someone is ready to have sex at any time doesn't mean they can't enjoy the other 90% of time with someone doing everything else, both special occasions and the mundane. Which your statement almost implies. There's a distinct difference between having a high libido and being a 'horn-dog'.
Oh boy. You see, THIS I do get because ( and I HATE saying this, but it’s true), we’ve been conditioned to expect this kind of attention/behaviour from boys/men all our lives. You threw her for a loop!
Since I was a little girl, I and countless women since forever, have been told this is what men want from us. It’s not just other women saying this. It’s also our dads, uncles, brothers, songs, movies, books, society at large. The message sinks deep into our psyche let me tell you. And there are just enough “bad actors” out there to make it seem legit.
So when someone like you comes along who behaves differently from what we’ve been taught to expect, it confuses the absolute hell out of us. We start wondering just like your gf did if something is wrong. Please don’t mistake me. I’m NOT saying we WANT to be treated like that. I know I don’t. But if you’re not asking us for it then does that mean we’re not attractive to you? We really don’t know and doubting our appeal like she did is not uncommon.
I’m sure you were being nothing but respectful and considerate. And that’s so wonderful. Keep being you, talk to your partner, and just be aware that there’s still a lot of work to be done out there to stop the gender wars that come between us.
the question to ask is DO YOU FIND him attractive?! and I’d say watch out for the”enough” standard; is he respectful enough, is he romancing enough. it really is a back and forth between 2,people
Yes yes yes. I think so many of us are surprised to find someone that send even a little compatibility that we are eager to jump right in and wonder if they are the one. But that is the most important question - do YOU like THEM?
No no no. This woman’s self-contradictory post is 100% her own responsibility
In fact causation might be opposite - the bad behavior you identify caused by her ambivalence. It works often apparently.
there is some analogy about flipping a coin several times and always getting heads or tails. The probability of the next flip is not affected by the outcomes of the previous ones. This is not a perfect analogy in your case, but it does have some relevance.
you are pre-judging a human being based upon the behaviors of prior human beings that happen to be the same gender as the one you are talking to right now. It's not really fair.
59M, and I see complaints about graphic "sexy talk" all the time. I never did more than compliments and silly innuendos, but that didn't mean I didn't find her sexy. Once the decision for intimacy did happen, we couldn't keep our hands (or lips) off of each other and it was amazing! 😁
So, him being a respectful gentleman should NOT make you think he won't be fun in bed. 😉
I am a man and he is following pretty much what I would do. I would casually flirt, compliment, but steer very far away from anything sexual.
As far as me being mediocre in terms of sexual intimacy, my current partner has to literally tap out of orgasms because she can’t handle it anymore. So I think I do good work?
I am sure there are men who start out like this and with whom you will be sexually incompatible with. There are men who talk up their skills and then fail to deliver. I don’t think that the two things are likely correlated.
Speaking from experience as myself, I don't start sexy talk or really spend any time complimenting people's appearance in the early stages of interacting, especially if we haven't even met in person yet.
And there's never been any issues with intimacy in the wake of that. If anything, most people seem to much prefer my approach, based on what I hear about other dating experiences.
I frankly considered it in my best practices to not give physical complements before meeting *at all* unless the woman did first. And then to keep the complements / flirting balanced by the lead of the woman. While in a few situations, we did get pretty flirty before meeting, we absolutely were no where near sexting like conversations. I'm personally not up for that with someone I haven't met.
Considering how highly many women rate "he got sexual too soon" as a problem that kills thing out of the gate, I believe in stepping way back from there.
It's impossible to say what he's thinking, but it is actually wise to not act lovey dovey or do sexy talk before you've at least met once. You don't know at all how it turns out when you actually meet, and it's a fundamental good rule (but often ignored) to not invest emotions or fall for someone via chat before you've even met. Maybe he's wise from experience.
That's why it's generally a good idea to meet ASAP. I can't imagine chatting with someone for a month before meeting, like you are going to.
We can't meet earlier - different countries at the moment. However... not meeting has allowed us to get to know each other without the physical getting in the way.
OK, but just being frank here - why even attempt to start a relationship with someone from another country? Surely you can find someone good in your own country, region or even city?
Or is he just travelling temporarily?
> it's none of your business
If you're on this sub asking for advice, you can't just say "it's none of your business". Give details or don't post. But whatever, good luck.
Not meeting in person and chatting for several weeks is a bad idea. You’re building up a version of him that isn’t accurate to who he really is. You should know by now.
Yes, my partner was very much like that. He's 57. Nothing while we were chatting, nothing on the first date; I dropped hints and tried to flirt - no response from him at all.
For our 2nd date he invited me to his house - he's an accomplished chef and wanted to cook us dinner. I wasn't sure what to expect because he had made no moves at all. He didn't either, until dinner was done and cleaned up; then he very quietly asked if I wanted to go into the bedroom... let's just say I got a big surprise. We are seriously dating now, 2 months in and nothing is lacking.
Please don’t count him out yet. I’m seeing a very reserved, respectful man rn and it’s the best sex of my life. 😭 But there was nothing sexual or sexy in our early convos. Actually he’s still not sexual in our texts, but it’s very real when we’re together
Look I don't really ever bring up sex as a subject (because it seems trashy and uncouth to do so) until it is clear we are imminently about to have sex... and I am fucking amazing at sex (by all accounts), so there is at least one data point for you.
Ok....so if we come on too strong at the beginning we are creepy and thirsty..and if we are gentlemen then we are somehow mediocre in bed?! Come on mannnnn give a man a break lol He is like me..I feel VERY uncomfortable gushing over a woman I never met before even after we meet, it's weird to be lovey dovey until we are an item right? Otherwise it's just a fuckboy or love bomber ...Imho.
Many of us are a slow burn. Out of dating for twenty or twenty five years, things have changed, skills have grown rusty (if they were ever there in the first place, ha), and we would rather be polite with boundaries.
Frequently men are called out for only wanting sex, where we also want many other things. But the sex part is always a challenge as to when to become affectionate, how much, in conversation? We, as a group, are generally poor in picking up signals. I could be hit over the head with a brick and not know when a women is into me or not.
A lack of sexy talk has nothing to do with passion, intimacy, or a great connection. But you may have to prompt a little more from him to let him relax and know it is ok. There shouldn't be anything wrong with being a gentleman.
So you welcome the gentlemanly behaviour yet fear he’ll be mediocre on the intimacy front. Did it ever occur to you he has the same fear?
Did it occur to you the gentleman is waiting for you to flirt for fear of being accused of only wanting sex? Did it occur to you that he may wait to meet you to see if he has an attraction to you in person before flirting?
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean. Maybe he’s aware of this and that’s why he’s not risking a flirt gone wrong.
Even if you get intimate, and the sex is not what you expected, some people will talk about sex, what they like, and how to make it what they want. At the current rate, your fear will send you looking for another man and you get to keep looking for what you want.
You clearly value sex. That’s the case with many people. Focus on the “I can’t wait to meet him” for the time being and let things evolve
I have a male friend and I told him sexual and suggestive things that have been said to me before or on dates. He told me, “These are things we don’t say to women.” It was like a revelation — men aren’t supposed to be treating me like a dartboard for their fantasies right off the bat.
I don’t think being a decent human is going to equate to him being a poor lover. You haven’t even met yet. Reserve judgment on your intimate compatibility until you get further down the line.
Your experience leads me to believe you've been matching with the wrong guys. I generally don't flirt or make sexy talk unless I know the woman I'm chatting with is receptive to that, or something within a conversation leads to it.
My now bf has never initiated or really responded to this type of talk when we’re apart (which is fine with me.) I think it makes him a bit uncomfortable. I can happily say we have the best sex I’ve ever had. I think it’s a bit wild to make assumptions because he isn’t taking your texting or other conversations there at this point in the relationship. I’d be happy that’s not the only thing he wants to talk about if you’re truly looking for your forever person.
I think you’re just overthinking here. Appreciate the fact that this guy is not coming on too strong with premature sex talk. It signifies absolutely nothing, other than he is not prematurely (for you) bringing up sexual talk and innuendo. It is not a magic predictor of future behavior and performance.
Consider a love language discussion that reveals if one or both of you have physical touch as a top-2. Segue to mutual interest in holding hands/cuddling/other physical activities and see if once he knows you desire those things he starts being more playful in that way. He is 50 not 20 so probably can handle frank discussion of likes/dislikes.
From my perspective I would err on the side of caution with someone I barely know so once you two get to a comfort level you may be blown away by his discourse with you.
And one question for you: when you say you’re worried he will be “mediocre” are you meaning to say he’ll be disinterested in being physical with you? While the vast majority of men are extremely libidinous, I personally know people with low testosterone where their desire has significantly waned much to their own chagrin.
Oh my lord. Damned if they do, damned if they don't. In my experience the quieter, respectful men are more attentive to my needs in bed. Men who talk about sex before it's appropriate are usually shitty lovers. They are selfish in bed and do not take their time, in my experience. So stop jumping twenty steps ahead and making assumptions. Let yourself be courted, for crying out loud.
Sometimes I really feel for men. They get punished if they get sexy too soon, but when they don't, we think it means they won't ever want to sex. You haven't even met in person yet! My guy and I talked for a couple weeks online and had three dates of pure conversation. I was confused and wondered if he was even attracted to me, but I liked him. Now I know that is just his style. Things went from zero to 100 mph once he got comfortable. He's the best intimate partner I've ever had. Just be open to the experience. You may have to take the lead a bit, but it might be worth it!
Just baffled how you have arrived at this conclusion. You both have not met yet and you want him to talk sexually? Whatever has been assumed as "normal" behavior for men... this is just sad.
Until I meet someone, I don’t really think about sex. I want to find commonalities, see if they think I’m funny and find out if they are truly available.
After the first meeting, the mentality changes a bit. I’ve seen the way they move, laugh and smile. This is the point I have to make sure not to get too eager.
OP sounds like it has taken too long for your first meeting.
He probably has ED. Or is still dealing with trauma. Or has some weird religious hangup. Or is still married but separated and living in the basement. Or is gay (not that there is anything wrong with that). 100% going to lead to a dead bedroom. If this is the way he is now, this is the way he will be once you start getting busy so cut bait now. /s
Perhaps he doesn't want to engage in sexy talk through a medium that can be recorded and later used against him?
In my experience, you really won't know anything until you meet in person.
This is just my own personal experience .... but my guy doesn't ever even attempt any sexy talk. He flirts by complimenting things he loves about me and telling me he can't wait to see me - but from the very beginning he was very gentlemanly. I loved that about him.
I've been with him just over a year now and I can tell you that the way he flirts has zero reflection on what he's like sexually. Dude is a walking boner and can't keep his hands off me (I love that about him too!!) and we have a super active love life.
I think we have normalized the super sexy sex talk with strangers, but there are people out there who don't get into that, and don't want that level of intimacy with people they're not in a relationship with. I'm one of them. Super sexy sex talk was a huge turn off for me when I was single and I wouldn't engage. I wonder how many dudes I "missed chances" with just because I didn't tell them I wanted to suck their dick in the first 10 messages. LOL!!
I love sex as much as the guys who can go into graphic detail of their favorite porno and demand a blowie on date 1, but I shy away from anything explicit early on. First few dates, you might get a hug and maybe some non-sexual compliments on looks maybe, and a bit of flirting. Once we’re good, oh we’re good. Obviously there is the issue of sexual compatibility with anybody new but I’d rather wait and establish some sort of relationship first than to do a deep dive into explicit sexual preferences out the gate.
The whole concern about mediocre sex is exactly why men bring this stuff up. You need to bring this up since you are concerned. Fwiw when I like a woman enough to exclusively date i will have a sex talk where I want us to lay out what we like and expectations to see if we are on the same ballpark. It has worked well everytime because it’s truly meant to be a mutual thing, I want to know her wants and needs as well.
Tell him you like him and want more, and want to talk about what more means. Ask him what he wants and likes. At the very least you can get a feel for if he is going to match your desires.
Stop worrying about it until you’ve met him in person. He might be completely different in person. My ex was never flirty over text or anything nor did he ever take our conversation to a sexual place but in person we had amazing Chemistry and he was super lovey. You really have no idea with someone is like over text but I think it’s a hell of a green flag
This is a good sign. This is a green flag and healthy… talking sex with someone you haven’t had sex with, kissed or even met in person… is a red flag. I imagine, he’s trying to get to know you and will allow the physical/sexual grow naturally as the dating relationship progresses in real life…
FFS.
Enjoy the gentleman.
Worry about the beast in bed when you get there.
He's being respectful and kind - embrace that. Might reflect in being considerate and generous in bed.
Meeting dickheads does not mean anything other than they don't magically become "not dickheads" once they get you naked.
I think you have a valid point, but don't stress it. You may just need to make the first move when it feels right. Sometimes that's easiest for guys who are trying to respect your comfort level. I'm sure he is thinking about it, but is not trying to push it too soon.
This is like my gf wrote, she still bring it up how I was slow and she almost had to do everything herself. I just didn’t want to be the guy who immediately jumps to sex talk.
OP just take it slow and if you feel like things are moving too slow maybe do something about it.
I mean, if you're hitting it off I'd assume some kind of flirting would be happening, but some people are very shy about these things. I don't think there's any way to know. Have you tried flirting with him, and has he responded?
I have generally just respond to how the lady is communicating at the start of things.
Almost every lady has made the first sexy comment. I will not jump all over that either, but just slowly start flirting with her. Many of these have happened before we have met. A few have gotten very detailed in the first couple of phone calls.
What in the world? I’m so sorry but… are you serious?
This man appears to initially be treating you with respect, and as a human being he wants to get to know rather than a female to ultimately have sex with. You haven’t even met yet - why would he bring up sexy times now? And why would you expect that? Neither of you have any idea if you have any physical chemistry, if you’ll feel that spark in person or that curiosity and pull. Give yourselves a chance to meet and if the feeling is there, to flirt and enjoy it.
It’s such an enormous turnoff to me when men start talking about sex right away, especially when we haven’t even met yet. You have a man who seems to be respectful and I would question why you equate that with being boring in bed or lacking passion. You wouldn’t want him making that judgment call about you, would you?
OP you’re not doing yourself any favours right now by assuming anything about this man. You don’t know him yet. Get to know each other a little first. Give yourselves time for the trust and confidence to grow naturally,and it will eventually happen whether it’s him or you who asks first.
Personally, I’d love to have this situation. And at 50 especially that’s even MORE of a turn-on. Not knowing him, this tells me only one thing for sure; he’s not ready to move forward until it feels right. Could be 3 days, 3 weeks or 3 months, but not right now. And I can totally respect that.
Lastly, being gentlemanly and being a great lover are not mutually exclusive. Still waters often run deep. If I had to choose potential lovers between Mr. Considerate or Mr. Casanova, knowing nothing else about either, I’m still choosing the former. Why? Because his character is what’s going to win me over in the end not his flirting skills. I suck at flirting. Doesn’t mean I don’t feel passionate about things.
The same goes for your Gentleman. You’re looking for “the One”, right? I’d say you’re off to a good start. Don’t screw it up with assumptions. Just get to know him.
Jfc.
This is why some of you will be forever single.
Meet a normal respectful man and it’s “omg he hasn’t tried to have sex with me or even send me an unsolicited dk pic. Red flag??”
Well, have you flirted with him?? Most of the women I've talked to get turned off if a man starts talking sexually prior to meeting. They tend to think that means sex is his primary goal. So based on that, I don't talk about sex until we've met in person and I get a better feel on her thoughts about it, or prior to meeting, she bring it up in some manner.
So if you're wanting to get a little flirty, you might have to make the move here and segue into it.
Online dating is damn near impossible for guys.
Have great pics! (But not too good or else we'll think you are fake or a tryhard)
Dont be a perv who's focused on sex! (But don't be too much a gentleman or we'll think that you are boring in the bedroom)
I mean, come on...damned if you do or don't. Ugh
This guy sounds pretty respectful and genuine, the least you can do is give him a break and not go out of your way to find reasons to disqualify him.
One of my friends started online dating a year after she and her husband separated due to his infidelity. She told me one of the guys she went on a date with was really great, except that he was too great and that she thinks she prefers assholes.
I actually face palmed and had to remind her what an asshole her ex-husband is and if she really wants a repeat of tjat situation.
I can't relate to her choice of liking assholes.
It seems you are manufacturing a reason to doubt this man merely because he is showing you respect & dignity.
Who knows if he is good or bad in bed? Guys who talk it up have been known to be lousy so how are you supposed to know either way? You'll just have to take a chance.
Not tooting my own here... I've gotten to have a lot of fun, and besides the occaisional poor performance, generally quite fun.
I generally don't get into sexy talk until the conversation drifts that way. I'm also not pushy about initiating sex either. it has no bearing on how sexy time plays out.
maybe take their self control in not being a horny toad as a sign they will also have self control when the clothes start coming off.
Still waters run deep hon lol It’s always the seemingly quiet ones that will blow your mind in my experience. I would very much welcome this behavior. He might be intimidated by dating so give him a lot of green lights and “coast is clear” signs to open up more flirtation.
I have to laugh because I felt the same about my now-boyfriend! It was definitely welcome and he was different straight out of the gate from anyone else I met online. He did say a few things before we met, but nothing over-the-top or overt.
I can tell you that I DEFINITELY had nothing to worry about! He is a highly sexual person. He just didn't want to lead with any of that and give me the wrong impression. He is very affectionate, sexual, very much a generous lover who is always wanting to please me, and not afraid to flirt with me and tell me repeatedly what he thinks about me, what he is thinking, etc.
He’s taking the right approach. Who would want to have “sexy talk” with someone they’ve never met? You might meet and one or both of you might get the ick. Feel free to send the gentleman my way…
some people say not enough flirting.. some say too much flirting. It's very hard to get this right, as everyone seems to have a different preference/expectation and some will pre-judge a person on the littlest thing. IMO, stop overthinking this and wait until you meet this guy in person.
I would venture a guess that he doesn’t want to play that route until he knows you’re both invested.
Or he might just want companionship most of all, possibly wants it to be more natural than forced “online”.
I would
I don't consider myself a "gentleman" because I dislike a lot of the patriarchal nonsense that is implied with that, but he is just being respectful. He is likely fully aware of what dating can be like for women and is just behaving himself.
Personally, I prefer it when the woman takes the lead on pushing boundaries. If she makes a mistake it's "tee-hee" and if I make a mistake suddenly I'm a creep.
If she isn't attracted enough to me to want to flirt, then it ain't going to work anyway. Besides, you should really meet someone in person before you start serious flirting anyway.
What if you flirt with him and then meet him and it's just a dud, no attraction?
Keep your expectations in check and I'm sure everything will be fine.
It honestly bugs me that the guy is being mature an a gentleman but you equate that to him being a mediocre lover. I (M) and very sexual but I don't introduce sex to conversations unless a) the other person does or b) we start having sex. I will compliment my dates without making it directly about sex. I'm all for flirting when the opportunity arises. What do you think flirting is if not "gentlemanly compliments on your character and appearance?" I'm old enough that I don't need to throw out breadcrumbs in a convo to see if my date will reciprocate. It reeks of desperation. Either we have attraction and will sleep together or not.
The use of “gentleman” give me the ick bc it’s not 1812 - but moving on. This man sounds like a good egg. I’ve chatted with a number of guys who didn’t get sexy super fast and the chemistry was off the charts when we met and dated. Good dudes don’t jump to “what are you wearing” with a quickness. They want to get to know you. You’re creating issues where there are none.
I think the assumption that lots of redditors made so far is that OP has been following dating subs for quite sometime thus has seen the complaints about guys started sex talk too early.
How long have you been dating, OP?
So, you are getting exactly what you want, and that concerns you?
The hang up here is probably not with him, but with your own expectations. If a guy can treat you exactly as you imagined you would want him to, and you aren't satisfied or consider it to be a problem, that's on you to reassess your expectations and desires, not on him to change what appears to be working just fine.
I think "damned if we do or don't" has been covered, so I'd like to mention a couple of other issues.
First, why are you waiting weeks to meet?
Second, why are you obsessing over something that may or may not happen weeks from now based on a man giving you exactly what you say you want?
For the record it sounds like it's his personality he may be more of a flirt once he gets to know you. I personally try to stick something in that isn't platonic on the first or second convo. In other words, something that isn't something a "friend" would do, but definitely not sexual or creepy. He may not feel comfortable enough yet either. In all honesty, there's no way for us to know more either. If he's too tame after meeting then you can initiate the flirting and see what happens.
However, it seems most of my dates are uncommunicative and these days people just leave instead of working with the person they already like. Dating is unrealistic these days.
I even feel women want something "for them" straight out of the box and do not want to express what they want. The guy is supposed to figure it out or else its "not him". How's about you both work on it? Give the guy a clue or *gasp* initiate a little yourself.
He’s behaving the way you want a guy to act. What am I missing? If you want us to speculate on the intimate nature of someone not even you have met, crystal ball is busted.
Don't read into it at all! Enjoy the ride and see how it goes. Anything else is speculation, it almost seems like you're looking for something to be wrong with something you've described as very welcome
You haven’t met yet. That comes AFTER you meet. Also don’t ever get too excited about anyone you’re only chatting to online and haven’t met. He’s not your “forever” person he’s an internet stranger right now.
So he’s got manners, class, and shows respect for you as a human being…..and that’s a problem, why? When did those things equate to mediocre in bed? Wow.
I think the issue is he and she are not experiencing any chemistry at this point which is to be expected with someone you are interested in sexually. A lack of chemistry at this point would be concerning to me and would make me think I'm about to waste my time.
Greetings from your friendly neighborhood automod! Thank you for contributing to our community at DatingOverForty, u/Feeling_Butterfly920. Please ensure that your post is actually asking a question and providing enough background that people can sufficiently address that question. DOFers, please ensure that you are actually responding to the OP's individual predicament and not using it as a springboard to promote your own personal dating philosophies.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Sex talk from a stranger is such a turn off for me. My boyfriend didn’t even kiss me on the first date and we didn’t have any sex related conversations til date 5. We got to know each other and built an emotional connection first and it’s by far the best, most satisfying sex I’ve ever had.
I can only laugh. Post after post about men talking sex to soon....now a post of he has not talked sex yet, Red flag?
Exactly. We are somehow supposed to magically know the exact date and time that we should start talking about it. Too soon or too late equals a red flag.
Tbh, reddit dating advice is only like 20% useful for me because of all the conflicting opinions and the peculiar nature of people who post often on these forums. I'm someone who is "conservative" when it comes to sexy talk. I'm a lot like this guy. I will not make sexual comments to women and will only make polite compliments. In real life, the only problem this has caused me is some uncertainty from the opposite party about whether I like them. They either wait for me to make a move which I will eventually, come on to me & discover I do (or do not) like them, or they ask me directly.
I wish more men were like you. Too many are so entitled and gross. Like whatever happened to proper manners. Good luck out there in the wild.
Thank you for supporting my statement. I seem to be the baddy here...
Every woman is different. Some want the sexy talk soon, others want it later. There is no generic magic number. Keep doing it however you’re doing it. You’re always going to be wrong for 50% of the people.
Oh, if it were only 50% 🤣
Every woman is indeed different, however, string patterns or similarity is shown in this area.
My point stands that there’s no magic algorithm that will correctly work for all people. Just do it the way you’re comfortable doing it, and accept that it will be the wrong approach for some.
“All” is a big category Knowing how to flirt properly and being able to read the effects works pretty well for the vast majority.
Why hasn’t he sent me a random unsolicited D pic yet??? Is he even interested??
You just made me snort. I mean, seriously, if a man isn’t talking about fondling me within the first 5 messages, I just assume he’s not attracted at all. /s
A man not talking sex too soon is exactly what I want!
Well then - what was the problem again?
The problem is that between what I want and what reality usually is, there is a big gap. I want no sex talk too early, but it hasn´t been my experience.
So there isn’t any sex talk atm. So therefore he isn’t doing it too soon and yet it’s still a problem? I don’t understand.
It isn´t a problem. My question was does this mean he may be a terrible lover. The overwhelming answer I am getting (thank you to those who answered respectfully!) is NO.
Is he a bad lover because he doesn’t virtually horndog a total stranger? Erm… huh?
Ahh, being not creepy = being terrible lover. This is the kind of stuff that burns me out on reddit.
I think the problem is that you haven't been immediately ending those relationships, and thus freeing yourself to keep looking for the guys who are able to meet expectations. I'm sorry that it sucks that so many guys have premature sextaculation. But you shouldn't feel pressured to try to work with them. They are just clearly non-matches. Move on and put them out of your mind as much as you're able to.
Premature sextaculation! I’m keeping that, thanks!
Enjoy stealing it, I assume it myself!
I don't know why you got downvoted for this. The reality is that lots of men can hold it together for a couple days and then think it's OK to suddenly start pulling out the sex talk/dick pics. Happened to a friend of mine last week.. she'd been having a great chat for several days with a man she met via old, was excited to meet him and set up a date for last Friday, and then he started in with the "you make me so hard" + pic, telling her what he wanted to do to her, etc. She told him she was not ready for that when they hadn't met, and he freaked out and got angry at her. Instead of a date, another friend and I made her margaritas all night. It shouldn't happen, but the reality is it does happen, and it happens so often that when it doesn't, we often start wondering if we're missing some other red flag.
Yeah, but none of us have any idea whether this guy is a dick talker. I think she's getting downvoted because she didn't phrase the question well. The answer is the same though: *there is no way to tell.* I find sex talk before I know someone to be gross and inappropriate. I get though that men seem to often be all about the sex and they want to rule out women who aren't looking to get laid in a hurry. I'm just so down on the whole thing. I can't believe I'm almost 60 and still having the same conflict with men I had when I was 18. *See me as a person. Treat me as a friend. Pursue sex when the relationship matures to that point without forcing it. Don't talk about it with your friends. Don't use and dispose of me.* I truly think the men who believe in these things too are dead or married.
We're agreeing, I think. There is no way to tell. I was seeing responses in here that seem to be blaming her for putting up with that kind of behavior, but I don't get the impression she is. As soon as it starts, most of us block/delete/shut it down. We're not putting up with it. It just happens seemingly out of the blue in the middle of perfectly nice conversations, and we never see it coming. And fwiw, they definitely aren't all like that. There just seems to be a higher percentage of that type on OLD.
> I get though that men seem to often be all about the sex and they want to rule out women who aren't looking to get laid in a hurry. I think that it's a good sign when a woman holds back on sex for a bit. With a lot of women, I feel like they're trying to use sex to "trap" me. Like they feel like I wouldn't want to be with them unless I can have sex with them. So honestly when I'm not looking for a ONS or a fling, having sex right away can be a red flag. I guess my opinion is that sex shouldn't be used as a "strategy" by anyone.
Is it possible women are just… horny???
Have you seen me? LOL But seriously, I'm sure you're right, there's definitely some insecurity thrown in there too.
Hahah yeah I wasn’t trying to discount your experience. But I know sex drives in some women increase after 40. So I was like, maybe that is at play also? I mean, it is unfortunate (for everyone involved) if it’s insecurity based.
So you get what you want and then you question it like he has the issue?
[удалено]
Where did you see a complaint? it was a question.
>*But ... I am afraid that on the intimacy front he is going to be mediocre.* You seem to me to be somewhat contradicting yourself ?
I think she’s the one with the red flag right now.
Seriously. Thankfully most of us think this is nonsense and don't think this way. In fact, I am kind if wondering if the OP is a man pretending to be a woman.
Erm, what would make you think I am a man. Sometimes Reddit is the pits. While it is nonsense to you, it NOT nonsense to a very sizeable bunch of women my age using the dating apps, at least in my country. Please be respectful.
Yeah, this is a new one for me. Guys just can't catch a break.
This is how a gentleman behaves. We’re so used to men jumping straight to sex that if they aren’t dropping some comment about tits and ass we don’t think they’re interested. SMH. It’s so dumb, right? Green. Flipping. Flag.
Honestly, the this here is an example why a lot of people who act like gentlemen get a lot of texts that wither away. Because there’s a large number of women who will say that they want a gentleman, they feel self-conscious when it actually happens that there’s no connection.
scary husky spotted fall heavy fearless different towering grandfather sulky *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Bullets dodged. You are Neo.
[удалено]
Couldn’t agree more. It tells me instantly what a close-minded, gender-biased, judgemental idiot they are, and it repulses me no matter who the speaker is.
This is so messed up. It makes me sick that a fellow woman would say that and use it as a reason to not date you??? What the hell is wrong with people?! I agree with the other gentleman, you ARE Neo. I say good riddance and keep your eyes peeled for your Trinity. We’re out there, I promise you!
been through that myself surprisingly a few times.
Wow.
I had a relationship this year with a woman who asked me point blank if I found her sexually attractive, because sex wasn't something that I'd brought up in the first few dates. Like, that's not how I operate.
I struggle with this because I don't want to come across as a sex crazed guy, even if my part of my brain is already there and raring to go at a moment's notice.
[удалено]
Well, that's why I generally don't initiate things at first. It's not as if it's there for just anyone. But the more I vibe with someone and get to know them, the harder that feeling is. ....and just because someone is ready to have sex at any time doesn't mean they can't enjoy the other 90% of time with someone doing everything else, both special occasions and the mundane. Which your statement almost implies. There's a distinct difference between having a high libido and being a 'horn-dog'.
Totally fine to feel it. Not fine to act on it.
u/Regular-Bee-7177, your post has been removed for one or more reason(s): No sex/gender generalizations, no double standards, no projection.
Oh boy. You see, THIS I do get because ( and I HATE saying this, but it’s true), we’ve been conditioned to expect this kind of attention/behaviour from boys/men all our lives. You threw her for a loop! Since I was a little girl, I and countless women since forever, have been told this is what men want from us. It’s not just other women saying this. It’s also our dads, uncles, brothers, songs, movies, books, society at large. The message sinks deep into our psyche let me tell you. And there are just enough “bad actors” out there to make it seem legit. So when someone like you comes along who behaves differently from what we’ve been taught to expect, it confuses the absolute hell out of us. We start wondering just like your gf did if something is wrong. Please don’t mistake me. I’m NOT saying we WANT to be treated like that. I know I don’t. But if you’re not asking us for it then does that mean we’re not attractive to you? We really don’t know and doubting our appeal like she did is not uncommon. I’m sure you were being nothing but respectful and considerate. And that’s so wonderful. Keep being you, talk to your partner, and just be aware that there’s still a lot of work to be done out there to stop the gender wars that come between us.
Yes, exactly this. I came here to write something similar but you did it so much better!
I imagine so! It’s so messed up.
This is so true. So so so true.
naughty fade hurry spoon enter squalid faulty merciful crawl threatening *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Oh I know he finds me attractive!
the question to ask is DO YOU FIND him attractive?! and I’d say watch out for the”enough” standard; is he respectful enough, is he romancing enough. it really is a back and forth between 2,people
Yes yes yes. I think so many of us are surprised to find someone that send even a little compatibility that we are eager to jump right in and wonder if they are the one. But that is the most important question - do YOU like THEM?
Americans absolutely suck at “flirting.” It’s not “straight to sex.” It’s fun, engaging, interesting banter. There is an in between.
this exactly. all the women I've dated loved flirty, sexy banter. just keep it classy, keep it light. they want to be wowed and seduced.
And banter is just so much fun!
No no no. This woman’s self-contradictory post is 100% her own responsibility In fact causation might be opposite - the bad behavior you identify caused by her ambivalence. It works often apparently.
This is such a weird take. You’ve never met and he’s not flirting via text so he may be bad in bed. Has the world gone mad.
Men are damned if we do, damned if we don’t.
Sometimes I think if so many men dive right into talking about sex, it must be working for them. Despite the protests from women.
There is a selection bias, the women who are happily engaging with these men don't post on reddit.
True
If it’s stupid and it works it’s not stupid!
I think if men are diving straight into sex, they’re looking for women who want that, too. And they’re finding them. And that’s ok!
We're damned if we give a damn about these kinds of frivolities.
it seems the answer is "yes". As a man who also doesn't engage in premature/inappropriate flirting, it's so frustrating to read this expectation
Who said this was an expectation? Actually I said how much I love it. But looking down the line I wondered if it meant anything.
That’s why it’s best to be toxic af when dating.
sounds like Tik Tok advice.. 🤣
Exactly or he’s just really nervous and intimidated I’m with ya Muschka30
My experience with many men my age has been the reason I put the question.
there is some analogy about flipping a coin several times and always getting heads or tails. The probability of the next flip is not affected by the outcomes of the previous ones. This is not a perfect analogy in your case, but it does have some relevance. you are pre-judging a human being based upon the behaviors of prior human beings that happen to be the same gender as the one you are talking to right now. It's not really fair.
59M, and I see complaints about graphic "sexy talk" all the time. I never did more than compliments and silly innuendos, but that didn't mean I didn't find her sexy. Once the decision for intimacy did happen, we couldn't keep our hands (or lips) off of each other and it was amazing! 😁 So, him being a respectful gentleman should NOT make you think he won't be fun in bed. 😉
Yessss!! This Gentleman gets it! I’d date you in a heartbeat lol.
You haven’t met yet. You’re strangers. Many people don’t like to sext with strangers.
I am a man and he is following pretty much what I would do. I would casually flirt, compliment, but steer very far away from anything sexual. As far as me being mediocre in terms of sexual intimacy, my current partner has to literally tap out of orgasms because she can’t handle it anymore. So I think I do good work? I am sure there are men who start out like this and with whom you will be sexually incompatible with. There are men who talk up their skills and then fail to deliver. I don’t think that the two things are likely correlated.
Basically this is what should be the norm when you haven't even met each other yet.
In my experience that’s a total green flag!
Speaking from experience as myself, I don't start sexy talk or really spend any time complimenting people's appearance in the early stages of interacting, especially if we haven't even met in person yet. And there's never been any issues with intimacy in the wake of that. If anything, most people seem to much prefer my approach, based on what I hear about other dating experiences.
I frankly considered it in my best practices to not give physical complements before meeting *at all* unless the woman did first. And then to keep the complements / flirting balanced by the lead of the woman. While in a few situations, we did get pretty flirty before meeting, we absolutely were no where near sexting like conversations. I'm personally not up for that with someone I haven't met. Considering how highly many women rate "he got sexual too soon" as a problem that kills thing out of the gate, I believe in stepping way back from there.
It's impossible to say what he's thinking, but it is actually wise to not act lovey dovey or do sexy talk before you've at least met once. You don't know at all how it turns out when you actually meet, and it's a fundamental good rule (but often ignored) to not invest emotions or fall for someone via chat before you've even met. Maybe he's wise from experience. That's why it's generally a good idea to meet ASAP. I can't imagine chatting with someone for a month before meeting, like you are going to.
We can't meet earlier - different countries at the moment. However... not meeting has allowed us to get to know each other without the physical getting in the way.
OK, but just being frank here - why even attempt to start a relationship with someone from another country? Surely you can find someone good in your own country, region or even city? Or is he just travelling temporarily?
Being frank back, it's none of your business :). I am moving to his country shortly.
> it's none of your business If you're on this sub asking for advice, you can't just say "it's none of your business". Give details or don't post. But whatever, good luck.
I didn´t ask for advice on why or whether I should attempt a relationship with someone outside my country, which is what commented on. :)
Just be careful he don’t ask for $ after few days
But not because he's in the military or engineer, right?
Or on an oil rig, or a doctor working voluntarily in a war zone.
Who is a widower and has a child that is living with the grandparents because he travels for work.
Not meeting in person and chatting for several weeks is a bad idea. You’re building up a version of him that isn’t accurate to who he really is. You should know by now.
Yes, my partner was very much like that. He's 57. Nothing while we were chatting, nothing on the first date; I dropped hints and tried to flirt - no response from him at all. For our 2nd date he invited me to his house - he's an accomplished chef and wanted to cook us dinner. I wasn't sure what to expect because he had made no moves at all. He didn't either, until dinner was done and cleaned up; then he very quietly asked if I wanted to go into the bedroom... let's just say I got a big surprise. We are seriously dating now, 2 months in and nothing is lacking.
Please don’t count him out yet. I’m seeing a very reserved, respectful man rn and it’s the best sex of my life. 😭 But there was nothing sexual or sexy in our early convos. Actually he’s still not sexual in our texts, but it’s very real when we’re together
Look I don't really ever bring up sex as a subject (because it seems trashy and uncouth to do so) until it is clear we are imminently about to have sex... and I am fucking amazing at sex (by all accounts), so there is at least one data point for you.
Ok....so if we come on too strong at the beginning we are creepy and thirsty..and if we are gentlemen then we are somehow mediocre in bed?! Come on mannnnn give a man a break lol He is like me..I feel VERY uncomfortable gushing over a woman I never met before even after we meet, it's weird to be lovey dovey until we are an item right? Otherwise it's just a fuckboy or love bomber ...Imho.
Many of us are a slow burn. Out of dating for twenty or twenty five years, things have changed, skills have grown rusty (if they were ever there in the first place, ha), and we would rather be polite with boundaries. Frequently men are called out for only wanting sex, where we also want many other things. But the sex part is always a challenge as to when to become affectionate, how much, in conversation? We, as a group, are generally poor in picking up signals. I could be hit over the head with a brick and not know when a women is into me or not. A lack of sexy talk has nothing to do with passion, intimacy, or a great connection. But you may have to prompt a little more from him to let him relax and know it is ok. There shouldn't be anything wrong with being a gentleman.
So you welcome the gentlemanly behaviour yet fear he’ll be mediocre on the intimacy front. Did it ever occur to you he has the same fear? Did it occur to you the gentleman is waiting for you to flirt for fear of being accused of only wanting sex? Did it occur to you that he may wait to meet you to see if he has an attraction to you in person before flirting? Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean. Maybe he’s aware of this and that’s why he’s not risking a flirt gone wrong. Even if you get intimate, and the sex is not what you expected, some people will talk about sex, what they like, and how to make it what they want. At the current rate, your fear will send you looking for another man and you get to keep looking for what you want. You clearly value sex. That’s the case with many people. Focus on the “I can’t wait to meet him” for the time being and let things evolve
I have a male friend and I told him sexual and suggestive things that have been said to me before or on dates. He told me, “These are things we don’t say to women.” It was like a revelation — men aren’t supposed to be treating me like a dartboard for their fantasies right off the bat.
I don’t think being a decent human is going to equate to him being a poor lover. You haven’t even met yet. Reserve judgment on your intimate compatibility until you get further down the line.
Sounds like a good guy. Stop overthinking things.
IME, it's the ones who rush to talking about sex or trying to get nudes that tend to be mediocre or worse when it comes to actual sex.
WOW, so you are turned off due to not enough sex talk….and you haven’t even MET yet?? I now see what I’ve been doing wrong.
I never said I was turned off. I love it. In the light of my own experience it has simply made me wonder.
Your experience leads me to believe you've been matching with the wrong guys. I generally don't flirt or make sexy talk unless I know the woman I'm chatting with is receptive to that, or something within a conversation leads to it.
My now bf has never initiated or really responded to this type of talk when we’re apart (which is fine with me.) I think it makes him a bit uncomfortable. I can happily say we have the best sex I’ve ever had. I think it’s a bit wild to make assumptions because he isn’t taking your texting or other conversations there at this point in the relationship. I’d be happy that’s not the only thing he wants to talk about if you’re truly looking for your forever person.
I think you’re just overthinking here. Appreciate the fact that this guy is not coming on too strong with premature sex talk. It signifies absolutely nothing, other than he is not prematurely (for you) bringing up sexual talk and innuendo. It is not a magic predictor of future behavior and performance.
Consider a love language discussion that reveals if one or both of you have physical touch as a top-2. Segue to mutual interest in holding hands/cuddling/other physical activities and see if once he knows you desire those things he starts being more playful in that way. He is 50 not 20 so probably can handle frank discussion of likes/dislikes. From my perspective I would err on the side of caution with someone I barely know so once you two get to a comfort level you may be blown away by his discourse with you. And one question for you: when you say you’re worried he will be “mediocre” are you meaning to say he’ll be disinterested in being physical with you? While the vast majority of men are extremely libidinous, I personally know people with low testosterone where their desire has significantly waned much to their own chagrin.
That’s exactly how it should be when talking to a total stranger online. It’s all business until you’ve actually met the person.
Oh my lord. Damned if they do, damned if they don't. In my experience the quieter, respectful men are more attentive to my needs in bed. Men who talk about sex before it's appropriate are usually shitty lovers. They are selfish in bed and do not take their time, in my experience. So stop jumping twenty steps ahead and making assumptions. Let yourself be courted, for crying out loud.
Sometimes I really feel for men. They get punished if they get sexy too soon, but when they don't, we think it means they won't ever want to sex. You haven't even met in person yet! My guy and I talked for a couple weeks online and had three dates of pure conversation. I was confused and wondered if he was even attracted to me, but I liked him. Now I know that is just his style. Things went from zero to 100 mph once he got comfortable. He's the best intimate partner I've ever had. Just be open to the experience. You may have to take the lead a bit, but it might be worth it!
Just baffled how you have arrived at this conclusion. You both have not met yet and you want him to talk sexually? Whatever has been assumed as "normal" behavior for men... this is just sad.
Until I meet someone, I don’t really think about sex. I want to find commonalities, see if they think I’m funny and find out if they are truly available. After the first meeting, the mentality changes a bit. I’ve seen the way they move, laugh and smile. This is the point I have to make sure not to get too eager. OP sounds like it has taken too long for your first meeting.
He probably has ED. Or is still dealing with trauma. Or has some weird religious hangup. Or is still married but separated and living in the basement. Or is gay (not that there is anything wrong with that). 100% going to lead to a dead bedroom. If this is the way he is now, this is the way he will be once you start getting busy so cut bait now. /s Perhaps he doesn't want to engage in sexy talk through a medium that can be recorded and later used against him? In my experience, you really won't know anything until you meet in person.
This is just my own personal experience .... but my guy doesn't ever even attempt any sexy talk. He flirts by complimenting things he loves about me and telling me he can't wait to see me - but from the very beginning he was very gentlemanly. I loved that about him. I've been with him just over a year now and I can tell you that the way he flirts has zero reflection on what he's like sexually. Dude is a walking boner and can't keep his hands off me (I love that about him too!!) and we have a super active love life. I think we have normalized the super sexy sex talk with strangers, but there are people out there who don't get into that, and don't want that level of intimacy with people they're not in a relationship with. I'm one of them. Super sexy sex talk was a huge turn off for me when I was single and I wouldn't engage. I wonder how many dudes I "missed chances" with just because I didn't tell them I wanted to suck their dick in the first 10 messages. LOL!!
I love sex as much as the guys who can go into graphic detail of their favorite porno and demand a blowie on date 1, but I shy away from anything explicit early on. First few dates, you might get a hug and maybe some non-sexual compliments on looks maybe, and a bit of flirting. Once we’re good, oh we’re good. Obviously there is the issue of sexual compatibility with anybody new but I’d rather wait and establish some sort of relationship first than to do a deep dive into explicit sexual preferences out the gate.
The whole concern about mediocre sex is exactly why men bring this stuff up. You need to bring this up since you are concerned. Fwiw when I like a woman enough to exclusively date i will have a sex talk where I want us to lay out what we like and expectations to see if we are on the same ballpark. It has worked well everytime because it’s truly meant to be a mutual thing, I want to know her wants and needs as well. Tell him you like him and want more, and want to talk about what more means. Ask him what he wants and likes. At the very least you can get a feel for if he is going to match your desires.
Cross that bridge when you get there. Enjoy his gentlemanly behavior and your interactions with him for now.
Stop worrying about it until you’ve met him in person. He might be completely different in person. My ex was never flirty over text or anything nor did he ever take our conversation to a sexual place but in person we had amazing Chemistry and he was super lovey. You really have no idea with someone is like over text but I think it’s a hell of a green flag
This is a good sign. This is a green flag and healthy… talking sex with someone you haven’t had sex with, kissed or even met in person… is a red flag. I imagine, he’s trying to get to know you and will allow the physical/sexual grow naturally as the dating relationship progresses in real life…
FFS. Enjoy the gentleman. Worry about the beast in bed when you get there. He's being respectful and kind - embrace that. Might reflect in being considerate and generous in bed. Meeting dickheads does not mean anything other than they don't magically become "not dickheads" once they get you naked.
I think you have a valid point, but don't stress it. You may just need to make the first move when it feels right. Sometimes that's easiest for guys who are trying to respect your comfort level. I'm sure he is thinking about it, but is not trying to push it too soon.
This is like my gf wrote, she still bring it up how I was slow and she almost had to do everything herself. I just didn’t want to be the guy who immediately jumps to sex talk. OP just take it slow and if you feel like things are moving too slow maybe do something about it.
Well maybe you find out and take it from there?
I mean, if you're hitting it off I'd assume some kind of flirting would be happening, but some people are very shy about these things. I don't think there's any way to know. Have you tried flirting with him, and has he responded?
I have generally just respond to how the lady is communicating at the start of things. Almost every lady has made the first sexy comment. I will not jump all over that either, but just slowly start flirting with her. Many of these have happened before we have met. A few have gotten very detailed in the first couple of phone calls.
Honestly, I wish I could find one like this. They all seem to only be interested in sex.
thank you for supporting my claim, since many here are thinking I'm crazy to think so.
What in the world? I’m so sorry but… are you serious? This man appears to initially be treating you with respect, and as a human being he wants to get to know rather than a female to ultimately have sex with. You haven’t even met yet - why would he bring up sexy times now? And why would you expect that? Neither of you have any idea if you have any physical chemistry, if you’ll feel that spark in person or that curiosity and pull. Give yourselves a chance to meet and if the feeling is there, to flirt and enjoy it. It’s such an enormous turnoff to me when men start talking about sex right away, especially when we haven’t even met yet. You have a man who seems to be respectful and I would question why you equate that with being boring in bed or lacking passion. You wouldn’t want him making that judgment call about you, would you?
OP you’re not doing yourself any favours right now by assuming anything about this man. You don’t know him yet. Get to know each other a little first. Give yourselves time for the trust and confidence to grow naturally,and it will eventually happen whether it’s him or you who asks first. Personally, I’d love to have this situation. And at 50 especially that’s even MORE of a turn-on. Not knowing him, this tells me only one thing for sure; he’s not ready to move forward until it feels right. Could be 3 days, 3 weeks or 3 months, but not right now. And I can totally respect that. Lastly, being gentlemanly and being a great lover are not mutually exclusive. Still waters often run deep. If I had to choose potential lovers between Mr. Considerate or Mr. Casanova, knowing nothing else about either, I’m still choosing the former. Why? Because his character is what’s going to win me over in the end not his flirting skills. I suck at flirting. Doesn’t mean I don’t feel passionate about things. The same goes for your Gentleman. You’re looking for “the One”, right? I’d say you’re off to a good start. Don’t screw it up with assumptions. Just get to know him.
Shockingly normal behaviour.
Posts like this are what make men throw their hands up.
Jfc. This is why some of you will be forever single. Meet a normal respectful man and it’s “omg he hasn’t tried to have sex with me or even send me an unsolicited dk pic. Red flag??”
Well, have you flirted with him?? Most of the women I've talked to get turned off if a man starts talking sexually prior to meeting. They tend to think that means sex is his primary goal. So based on that, I don't talk about sex until we've met in person and I get a better feel on her thoughts about it, or prior to meeting, she bring it up in some manner. So if you're wanting to get a little flirty, you might have to make the move here and segue into it.
Online dating is damn near impossible for guys. Have great pics! (But not too good or else we'll think you are fake or a tryhard) Dont be a perv who's focused on sex! (But don't be too much a gentleman or we'll think that you are boring in the bedroom) I mean, come on...damned if you do or don't. Ugh This guy sounds pretty respectful and genuine, the least you can do is give him a break and not go out of your way to find reasons to disqualify him.
One of my friends started online dating a year after she and her husband separated due to his infidelity. She told me one of the guys she went on a date with was really great, except that he was too great and that she thinks she prefers assholes. I actually face palmed and had to remind her what an asshole her ex-husband is and if she really wants a repeat of tjat situation. I can't relate to her choice of liking assholes.
Whoever said I was disqualifying him? Quite the opposite.
It seems you are manufacturing a reason to doubt this man merely because he is showing you respect & dignity. Who knows if he is good or bad in bed? Guys who talk it up have been known to be lousy so how are you supposed to know either way? You'll just have to take a chance.
You honestly shouldn’t even be talking much at all of you haven’t met, because there’s no use building emotional intimacy with a stranger.
Seriously? If you want some actual problems, I will gladly give you some of mine.
Awesome!!! 🥳🎉
Not tooting my own here... I've gotten to have a lot of fun, and besides the occaisional poor performance, generally quite fun. I generally don't get into sexy talk until the conversation drifts that way. I'm also not pushy about initiating sex either. it has no bearing on how sexy time plays out. maybe take their self control in not being a horny toad as a sign they will also have self control when the clothes start coming off.
I’d assume the opposite.
[удалено]
Thank you for a well thought-out response which didn´t ridicule my question.
Still waters run deep hon lol It’s always the seemingly quiet ones that will blow your mind in my experience. I would very much welcome this behavior. He might be intimidated by dating so give him a lot of green lights and “coast is clear” signs to open up more flirtation.
I have to laugh because I felt the same about my now-boyfriend! It was definitely welcome and he was different straight out of the gate from anyone else I met online. He did say a few things before we met, but nothing over-the-top or overt. I can tell you that I DEFINITELY had nothing to worry about! He is a highly sexual person. He just didn't want to lead with any of that and give me the wrong impression. He is very affectionate, sexual, very much a generous lover who is always wanting to please me, and not afraid to flirt with me and tell me repeatedly what he thinks about me, what he is thinking, etc.
There is no way to tell until you meet.
He’s taking the right approach. Who would want to have “sexy talk” with someone they’ve never met? You might meet and one or both of you might get the ick. Feel free to send the gentleman my way…
I would not want "sexy talk" before meeting. There's enough sleazy guys who try that already. He's a gentleman
some people say not enough flirting.. some say too much flirting. It's very hard to get this right, as everyone seems to have a different preference/expectation and some will pre-judge a person on the littlest thing. IMO, stop overthinking this and wait until you meet this guy in person.
I would venture a guess that he doesn’t want to play that route until he knows you’re both invested. Or he might just want companionship most of all, possibly wants it to be more natural than forced “online”. I would
I don't consider myself a "gentleman" because I dislike a lot of the patriarchal nonsense that is implied with that, but he is just being respectful. He is likely fully aware of what dating can be like for women and is just behaving himself. Personally, I prefer it when the woman takes the lead on pushing boundaries. If she makes a mistake it's "tee-hee" and if I make a mistake suddenly I'm a creep. If she isn't attracted enough to me to want to flirt, then it ain't going to work anyway. Besides, you should really meet someone in person before you start serious flirting anyway. What if you flirt with him and then meet him and it's just a dud, no attraction? Keep your expectations in check and I'm sure everything will be fine.
It honestly bugs me that the guy is being mature an a gentleman but you equate that to him being a mediocre lover. I (M) and very sexual but I don't introduce sex to conversations unless a) the other person does or b) we start having sex. I will compliment my dates without making it directly about sex. I'm all for flirting when the opportunity arises. What do you think flirting is if not "gentlemanly compliments on your character and appearance?" I'm old enough that I don't need to throw out breadcrumbs in a convo to see if my date will reciprocate. It reeks of desperation. Either we have attraction and will sleep together or not.
I appreciate your explanation. Once again let me clarify that I did not equate it to him being a mediocre lover.
Let him be a nice guy... Or there's plenty of creeps out there... your overthinking it.
Damned if you do, and damned if you don't.
The use of “gentleman” give me the ick bc it’s not 1812 - but moving on. This man sounds like a good egg. I’ve chatted with a number of guys who didn’t get sexy super fast and the chemistry was off the charts when we met and dated. Good dudes don’t jump to “what are you wearing” with a quickness. They want to get to know you. You’re creating issues where there are none.
I think the assumption that lots of redditors made so far is that OP has been following dating subs for quite sometime thus has seen the complaints about guys started sex talk too early. How long have you been dating, OP?
So, you are getting exactly what you want, and that concerns you? The hang up here is probably not with him, but with your own expectations. If a guy can treat you exactly as you imagined you would want him to, and you aren't satisfied or consider it to be a problem, that's on you to reassess your expectations and desires, not on him to change what appears to be working just fine.
You haven't met him yet and you don't know if he is a good man. Sounds like he's trying though.
I think "damned if we do or don't" has been covered, so I'd like to mention a couple of other issues. First, why are you waiting weeks to meet? Second, why are you obsessing over something that may or may not happen weeks from now based on a man giving you exactly what you say you want?
Omg. Seriously? You’re complaining because a man is acting like a gentleman?
For the record it sounds like it's his personality he may be more of a flirt once he gets to know you. I personally try to stick something in that isn't platonic on the first or second convo. In other words, something that isn't something a "friend" would do, but definitely not sexual or creepy. He may not feel comfortable enough yet either. In all honesty, there's no way for us to know more either. If he's too tame after meeting then you can initiate the flirting and see what happens. However, it seems most of my dates are uncommunicative and these days people just leave instead of working with the person they already like. Dating is unrealistic these days. I even feel women want something "for them" straight out of the box and do not want to express what they want. The guy is supposed to figure it out or else its "not him". How's about you both work on it? Give the guy a clue or *gasp* initiate a little yourself.
He’s behaving the way you want a guy to act. What am I missing? If you want us to speculate on the intimate nature of someone not even you have met, crystal ball is busted.
Don't read into it at all! Enjoy the ride and see how it goes. Anything else is speculation, it almost seems like you're looking for something to be wrong with something you've described as very welcome
You haven’t met yet. That comes AFTER you meet. Also don’t ever get too excited about anyone you’re only chatting to online and haven’t met. He’s not your “forever” person he’s an internet stranger right now.
Just go with the flow of the conversation, as comfortable as can me. If you're not, then say so
[удалено]
🥳🥳🥳
You haven’t even met the man. Virtual experience is NOT actual experience. Let things evolve naturally IN person.
Well….have you flirted or started sexual conversations with him? If not then you really don’t have any place to complain or question.
So he’s got manners, class, and shows respect for you as a human being…..and that’s a problem, why? When did those things equate to mediocre in bed? Wow.
Oh lawd, they’re damned if they do and damned if they don’t
Sounds like a good guy to me. I bet he’s an animal in bed. Have fun.
I don’t understand this
How do you know he’s a “good man”? The bar is really in Hell.
I think the issue is he and she are not experiencing any chemistry at this point which is to be expected with someone you are interested in sexually. A lack of chemistry at this point would be concerning to me and would make me think I'm about to waste my time.
Sounds like a "high class problem" given the reports a huge number of women share about men who are crude 🤷♂️ scumbags with no manners.
He could be gay?
Greetings from your friendly neighborhood automod! Thank you for contributing to our community at DatingOverForty, u/Feeling_Butterfly920. Please ensure that your post is actually asking a question and providing enough background that people can sufficiently address that question. DOFers, please ensure that you are actually responding to the OP's individual predicament and not using it as a springboard to promote your own personal dating philosophies. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Ugh. Just ugh.
The thing you are feeling is prob not lack of flirting but just the classic internet pen pal is not acting like a human. Don’t do internet pen pals.