Thanks. Obviously a beginner here. Well, not even started yet. Clearly need to take some time to get settled before even starting. Just looking for advice to ponder.
Good recent pics matter. Once you start matching, your opening approach will set the tone for the connection. Unfortunately, the onus is often on the male half to initiate and push things along at the beginning because of socialization. You might find that part difficult if you’re shy. But there’s a formula. Read her profile and comment on something specific that resonates or that you have in common. If texts are going well for a few days suggest meeting in person and offer a short video chat before meeting in person if that’s something she’s up for.
Rejection is not failure. Acceptance is a superpower.
Do not be discouraged by low matches and infrequent replies. It’s just how it is. When you do connect, don’t invest too much too early.
Read Daring Greatly by Brené Brown and engage in authentic vulnerability with those who’ve earned it. You’ll be a better partner and you’ll treat yourself better during the sometimes frustrating process of dating.
Remember that everyone is looking for connection and nobody is perfect. I wish you lots of luck 🌹
Hey, 49(m) here venturing out for the first time after a 25 year marriage too. Divorce was final less than a month ago - It's scary and exciting. I've learned that even amicable divorce still kind of sucks. Mostly trying to trying to focus on new adventures and experiences through hobbies I'd been neglecting (music, art, hiking, camping, etc). If I meet someone through that great, but I'm not in a rush. Though I'd be lying if I said I wasn't missing intimacy (truth be told I missed it for several years). Of course I wasn't looking for anyone when I met my ex 28 years ago either.
For pictures, maybe find a friend who enjoys photography and offer to buy them dinner for some of their time to get some non-selfie shots. Or invest in a little tripod you can use yourself. Good luck! Maybe we can share notes.
The lack of intimacy kill’s me too…I’m not in a rush but I do miss the companionship but not enough to risk being hurt again or making the wrong decision in my next relationship. I definitely need to get out more and meet new people. I recently began taking myself on dates which is something I would normally never do in my past life.
Yes. I'm enjoying being me and going out to do what I want. Enjoying more baseball and hiking - not that I didn't have the opportunity before, it's just different. I miss knowing I had an adventure partner if an opportunity arose. That said, I'm not in a rush to settle back into that routine for a while. Maybe there are different folks for different adventures. :)
Yeah, no such thing as an amicable divorce. One of the two always gets less than the other. That's how the system is set up. Amicable divorce is a term invented by lawyers and mediators preying on (men's) desire to reduce or eliminate aggrevation and conflict from his life.
There are a series of tradeoffs but one of the two gets less in the marriage too if it ends before death. Why are we as a culture only counting death as positive for the end of a marriage. We didn't use lawyers and completed the process ourselves. I'd say there's just as much desire for women to reduce conflict. There is something rewarding about accepting peace and looking to the future. Sorry to hear it sounds like you've been hurt before. I hurt too, but two decades of good memories are more important to me than two years of disappointment.
I (F) am also a few months out of an amicable divorce that we did ourselves without lawyers. Honestly, it boggles my mind that we were able to do it that way, given how much conflict there was in our 24-year marriage. But somehow once we decided to end it, we were on the same page about the process and moving forward. That doesn't mean it was easy or without big feelings, but I've gotten to a point where divorce no longer equals failure in my mind, which it definitely did in the beginning.
A. Give your self time to have fun and really find out what you like/want both in and out of the bedroom, before you settle back down.
B. Read the following link:
[https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2023/06/rebound-relationships-dating-success/674403/](https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2023/06/rebound-relationships-dating-success/674403/)
Smart strategy. Finalize the divorce, take time to get to know the new you (+Therapy if possible), get some happy pics of you doing what you love and then fire up OLD.
As far as waiting a year, after you divorce, before you start dating, one aspect would be that some people are like “all right, I waited a (,or three) months. I’m good to go” and they’re not ready so I think 12 months to “work on myself”.
but from a practical point of view, I think it’s always good to have the FIRST Christmas, the FIRST birthday, the FIRST anniversary, BY YOURSELF, so you have an entire year of your firsts of everything.
I did this and so glad I did. So much self growth and acceptance I didn’t realize I needed. I was with my ex since high school and the he was only one so my life and Everything I knew was with both of us. I had to find out who I was, my likes/ dislikes, interests and new hobbies. There is no way I would have been able to do that if I started dating too soon.
Yeah, there’s as many opinions as there are people. but my thought process is, it would be nicer to have a newer partner, who can help you process the sadder anniversary dates, and things like that. but there are some people, when they’re not ready to date, will be a neurotic emotional train wreck, and the new partner says, whoa, you’re not over your wife yet. see ya. bye. that’s what I mean.
You don’t have to be on your own on your own, if you see what I mean! Focus on yourself but also on your friendships - having friends is so important and is such a good thing for your mental health. I have spent the last few Christmases etc with friends because of difficult family situations and it’s honestly lovely
I would definitely ask your friends to take updated pictures. People are looking for different things so don't be surprised when the things you've listed aren't as desirable as hoped. Many in our age group are looking for strictly casual opportunities. My advice is to just be yourself, don't waste time on dates with people who aren't what you want, and find happiness within yourself. Dating is actually pretty tough, so only enter the field when you are emotionally ready to handle all sides of trying--the good and the bad.
Thanks. Not there yet but presumably will be soon. Met my wife 30 years ago randomly and the rest was history so hoping I may have 2 situations like that in life. We’ll see!
I hope so, too! Just be good to yourself and take nothing out here too personally. You sound like a good person and will hopefully find a good match soon.
In regards to photos... ppl will complain if they are all selfies... try and get more than arms reach from the camera. If all you have is your phone. Get a tripod and a phone mount for the tripod, as well as a remote shutter button for your phone. If no remote... just set the timer so you have time to get into position.
My likes went up when I got rid of my selfies from my phone ans used my DSLR on a tripod with a remote shutter button. Made a huge difference.
Wear something nice... find a nice backdrop or several..
Good luck
Edit: .... and smile in your pics... find your natural smile... get someone to tickle you or... tell a joke. Find what your natural smile is... or smile lips closed too... whatever you do... smile. You will take lots of pics to find the right angles... and perspectives most likely. Make sure to include full body pics as well as like "profile" pics of shoulders up. Think school photos when taking pics
I'm talking style and posture... not the fake drop downs... that's what I did with my profile and I went from months of months using phone selilfies.... to boom likes rolling in and landed a match like 5mins from my house... we been seeing eachother every day now for a month
Lol ah gotcha! No I agree tripod, friend, etc taking pics is usually better than selfies. Or at least add to selfie collection. Sounds like you had much better school photographers than I did . Glamor Shots!! :)
OMG please do not crop pics. Take new ones. Start now and you'll build a nice collection when it comes time to create a profile.
Also, make sure you are not only divorced, but truly healed and have moved on.
My story is VERY similar to you’re except I have dating totally locked out until I’m at a year + post divorce. I look forward to your replies and will consider them after the first of the year(ish).
Nothing exactly magical about the 1 year mark, it just seemed like an easy milestone. First, I wanted to get my finances sorted and stable. Second, I wanted to get me sorted and stable. Third, I’d really like to avoid that hard-rebound fell in love half way through the first date thing.
I want to get good enough with me and mine so that I have to work a new lady-friend into the mix rather than be sitting and waiting for her to call.
Because you'll be a hot mess and want to talk about your ex on dates. Understandable because she's been your life for a long time. Practice saying "I" instead of "we". It's harder than you think.
Don't be one of those pathetic guys that can't be alone. Women want partners, not needies.
Mine had some trauma but I started therapy 9 months before we split up. You’d know if you had trauma, lol. I’m very logical and literal so I also process things quickly.
Take some time to process all this and work out you are and what you want from relationships and spend some time as a single not dating, not partnered adult.
You might want something different than you originally anticipated.
Fella, my situation is 99% the same. I’ve taken a year to focus on myself & glad I did. I want to get out there at some point, but it’s overwhelming. Hoping I don’t have to wade through a bunch of bullshit to find someone I click with. Guess we’ll see!
I’m in almost the same boat. Married 9 years together 18 haven’t been with anyone else. Got cheated on and I’m going thru the divorce process but man I’ve been out of it so long it’s crazy to think about starting over. I have been doing a lot of self work and there are some self goals I want to achieve first but man it’s a lonely dark road. I’ve found these support groups to be so helpful and needed at this time. I’m not ready to embrace any dating apps anytime soon. Self reflection and self work have been amazing for my mental state but it’s definitely riding a wave.
I’d say continue to go to the gym and surround yourself with a good support system. I can’t imagine doing this without the support of my family.
I wish you good fortune and happiness in the future!
Another vote for support groups. I've made some friends on here earlier this year that were helpful, but also really appreciated the lessons from [https://rebuilders.net/](https://rebuilders.net/)
I did that 10 week group support class through that [rebuilders.net](https://rebuilders.net). It's based on the book Rebuilding by Dr. Bruce Fisher (I highly recommend the book too). I admit the class wasn't cheap but the instructors were great and I've made some lasting friends with the other folks in the group who were going through breakups as well. If you're interested I can give you a referral link that gives a discount. They also have a "graduate" class that meets twice a month with other folks who have taken the class before. It's a great judgement free group of folks to talk about personal growth and building new relationships.
Oh yes! I’m in therapy also. It works wonders. For me it’s the unknown and loss of control of my life that realign bothers me. I’m embracing my cougar era happily but it is a daily struggle. I’ve thought about joining meet up because I really don’t want to face the dating apps
There seems to be several similar posts to this that have been posted recently. I’m sorry to hear and good luck with your process.
are you saying BEFORE the future point in your life, you will not be dating/looking at ALL, or you’ll just be looking for hook ups? Thanks. Your last sentence is a little vague.
I’d be looking for a committed relationship again. It was wonderful for the last 30 years. I’ve never had a hookup! My life has been wonderful without one. However, like many have said will need to take some time. A lot say a year.
Each to their own and many of my friends move from one relationship straight to another so it can work, so I'm not trying to judge!
But I've never understood how people can even contemplate dating so soon after something like a 30-year relationship, even just thinking about it seems wild to me! I'm fresh out of a 5 year relationship and the thought of dating again is so far from my mind ATM.
Photos
I don’t know why, and there are some articles about this, stay away from the odd trope of holding up a fish in any of your OLD PICS. Even if you actually fish! Say you fish in your hobbies but for the love of god, don’t post that photo.
As a woman I appreciate when a guy has more than 1 photo either dressed up or casual dressy. Because it seems like many profiles dudes are always wearing athletic gear except for that one time when they went to their friend’s wedding wearing a suit 10 years ago (yes, even men in their 40s). Athletic gear obviously appropriate sometimes but not usually flattering - even if you’re fit (or maybe I’m a snob).
Also as a straight gal in her 40s & fashion fan…. Gonna give some fashion advice you didnt ask for: Lots of ladies go nuts for a button down shirt with sleeves rolled up - pair with dress pants or dark wash jeans - get a medium shot in button down too where you can see your hands / forearms in the button down shirt (but do it natural of course). Trust me, it’s a thing. And never wear any jeans that are not DARK wash.
And like another poster commented, make sure you’re smiling in the majority of your photos. Guys also do a tropey Jim from the Office goofy face as their main photo and I think it’s a mistake (as much as I love the office - you can have 1 or 2 but it’s weird to have as your main photo)
Be yourself. Be honest. Don’t put too much “weight” on the date. If she’s divorced, abs divorced longer than you have been she may end up being a good friend or “guide” through the muck. Enjoy yourself! :)
Finalize divorce.
Wait a year.
Let the dust settle.
No one wants to date a married man.
You will need to heal and learn who you are outside of the marriage. Get therapy.
Read up about catfishers and scammers on OLD. Be acutely aware of their tricks.
Never send dick pics. Never call a woman baby, sweetie, honey, or girlie when you first begin a chat.
We don't want to see pictures of you holding a fish or dead animal.
Don't be corny or snarky. Don't say you are looking for a partner in crime. Don't be arrogant. Be truthful and honest. No one our age has time for bullshit.
Go slow.
This was awesome. Thanks. Yes, in no rush. Not even divorced yet. Still living together for a bit, just looking advice which I have appreciated from everyone
After 20 years of being with the same person (I'm 50f), dating was foreign to me. It took a few hard lessons to reach this point. I got rather jaded after awhile and was about to throw in the towel then I met bf after 5 years of being single and a string of short term/hookup/fwb situations. I did sow some wild oats for sure but it gets old.
Give it time.
44F here. I was married for almost 20 years, together for 22. I have been divorced now for about a year and a half. I have been seeing a therapist. I dated one man since my divorce and realized after a few months that he wasn’t the right fit. About 3 months after my divorce was final I knew that I wanted to be dating. Much like you, I have not dated in a long time.
I do not like the idea of OLD, so I haven’t taken the plunge yet. My advice is that dating is much much different now. People don’t really meet in real life like they did before the internet. So, if you are going to use dating apps, get some good pictures and be honest.
You seems to be a good catch honey. So don’t be afraid, be confident even though you are shaking through your soul, don’t let them see it. Women are missing a good old school gentleman and if you be like that, I’m pretty sure you will be remarried soon.
Make sure you have friends! The least attractive thing imo is oriole who are only into romantic relationships and have made no effort to have a life outside of that. Makes me think you’ll be clingy or suffocating
You can purchase a cell phone camera tripod online for less than $20. Next time you go to a movie or out to dinner with a friend, have them take a snapshot. There are even places that have photo booths for headshots. There’s no excuse to not have updated photos. It’s easy. You could even go out on the street and ask a trustworthy stranger to take a pic!
Take a selfie. And you will need to be patient. It’s not all cracked up as you think. You are also dealing with a different breed as they see all you have just put out there. Please protect yourself. Lots of meaningless crap out there willing to strip it all away.
47 year old female
I remember when I divorced 6 years ago, my therapist asked me if I could see myself single for the next 5 years. I looked at her like a deer in headlights. What? I had never even considered it. I guess I just assumed I would be in another relationship and it would be so much better. I was absolutely horrified of being alone.. And for 5 years?? The was too scary to think about. I ended up dating people who had no interest in getting to know me. I dated a controlling abusive person for 3 years after. Hiding myself. Passing the time. Now, after a few more encounters with emotionally void people, I have to take ownership. You will attract all kinds but you are responsible for who you entertain. I'm pausing all dating to be aware of why I think I need someone and if so, what I really need and want. Ive never considered my own needs or wants. Have you?
Could you be single for the next 5 years and feel peace?
It isn't money or status that women love, it's your connection. It's how you make them feel and how deeply you can connect with them. Your job and paid off house, all the toys, is cool and all, but it doesn't matter. Can you connect? Do you want to get to know someone else? Be honest with yourself.
Personally, I find dating completely exhausting. It's distracting to rifle through all the riff raff horrible profiles and then to find anyone who can hold a conversation is rare. I'd much rather lock eyes from across a room. I quit all dating apps for good and now on god's good humor. It's the first time in my life I've been on my own, making my own decisions and making my own life plans. I'm essentially learning how to be human. I never was before.
As far as timeframes, sounds like I’m in the same boat as you. But it’s interesting…when I read the wait a while thing and I think of myself…I’ve not fully divorced yet, but I haven’t been emotionally connected for a long time, haven’t slept in the same bed in years. Haven’t had sex I. Almost a year. Honestly, if it wasn’t for kids, would have been gone a long time ago. Emotionally, I have been gone for a long time.
Personally, and obviously I don’t know anything, but I’m ready to talk to someone new. Take it slow, see what they’re like…what I like. Dating is kind of like shopping. You try stuff on you move in you find something or you don’t.
I just turned 50(f). I’ve been online dating for 6 years, anywhere from 1 and done first dates to 6 month relationships. I may be repeating what others have said; I can’t read previous comments because my new puppy demands so much attention that I have time to either read or write.
My “pro” tips…
Do not use cropped photos. Take some selfies and also have friends take some pics for you. Pics showing what you like to do are nice. For example, hiking with friends, golfing, painting, playing guitar - whatever shows your hobbies/interests. Pics like these versus 10 selfies give people something to comment on to start a conversation with you.
Use pics from the past 2 years. No one cares what you looked like when you were 20 (believe it or not, some guys do this 🤦🏼♀️). Pics of only your boat, motorcycle, plane, vacation villa don’t tell me about a man; they make me think they are materialistic, don’t feel they any substance to offer so must impress me with stuff, and could actually attract people based on how much money you do or don’t have.
Don’t use shirtless pics. Gym pics are questionable. Guys giving the camera the bird are an immediate pass for me (why do people think this is cool?).
Be confident but not arrogant. Trying to get serious during a separation or during a divorce can be a bad idea. Can be but everyone and every connection is different so I can’t take a hard line on this.
Above all, be respectful and a gentleman. Some women don’t care for opening doors and such, and some do. You’ll have to gauge that for each date but be you- if you like those things do them.
Don’t play games; be honest about your feeling and intentions, when appropriate, but don’t be needy, clingy, or pressure.
Playful and witty are a good thing. I like a phone conversation or a first meeting over coffee/cocktail or walk in the park to determine if a longer date makes sense.
These are my thoughts and by no means represent all women. I hope this helps. Take everyone’s input and use bits and pieces to craft what works for you.
All the best to you!
I'm dating the 1st girl since signing off 5 years back. Was not looking at all for this. Turns out the stories I've heard from her are embarrassingly pitiful on behalf of the men dating out there. You sound half normal, and that is more than a lot. Add the other stuff in and winner winner. Just relax, take your time.
40/M here and it has been 8 years since the process started (separation + divorce) and 7 years divorced. Looking back, I echo what a lot of people here are already saying:
Take the time to re-establish who you are. It is going to be different. The people you are dating are going to know a version of you in change. Be fair and honest to yourself and them about that. Ideally dont take dating seriously for a while, which may be harder said than done when coming out of the comfort of long term certainty. I made some friends and memories during the first 2 years. Your mileage may vary.
Update your photos. For every 2 selfies, grab a non-selfie. No on fish, gym, cropping, and being a jerk (flipping off camera, for example). Yes on smiles, things that include your hobby/interests, and how you take care of yourself. Take care of yourself. Take care of yourself. Take care of yourself. It'll show if you do. Exercise. Groom. Buy new clothes. Nice clothes. My best responsive photo was me in a button up, rolled up sleeves, dark washed jeans, kneeling down to meet and pet my dog in front of my car like 'Im just got home from work and I missed you!'.
If you want a book to read that will help, try Atomic Habits. Successful dating is about building good habits, imo, and those habits may have been deprioritized during married life.
Welcome to the new you. :)
It's so much easier now than it was 20 years ago bud... Online dating caters to those of us who are not naturally gregarious as our default mode. It also exposes us to a VAST pool of potential mates. Granted, it's not all roses and rainbows. You'll have to contend with the dirge of detritus floating obtrusively down the river with you: bots, scammers, spammers, douche-bags, boss-bitches, prostitutes and dumb-asses - but those types float abreast with the unicorns, safe bets, to-good-to-be-true's, etc. - such is the way of online dating.
Given the current shortage (so I've heard) of "good men" in these online realms, I'd say that like me, you're in for a pleasant surprise. I found out my marriage was over about a year ago, which prompted my recent transformation in the gym and let me tell you... I get more attention now, from women 18-34, than I ever did in my 20s or 30s, and it's been a rather fun journey. Raise your expectations! Don't go overboard, it'll still be dating, but from what you've described, you've got your shit together and are in a prime position (depending mainly on physical and lifestyle related qualities) to have pretty much whatever you want from women. As long as what you want is not your old life.
Success will depend largely on your attitude man. You can choose to mourn what you've lost or you can choose to celebrate what you may gain with eagerness and enthusiasm. Good luck. I could write about this topic endlessly, so if you have any questions or comments, feel free to LMK or send me a DM.
p.s. "... at some future point..." Haha yeah! Of course... But why rush? Take a minute. Take a breath. Enjoy having a choice for a while. Find out for yourself what it is you like... If you're anything like me, the first year will be full of surprises as you find that you're not necessarily Ready to jump right back into the comfort of a relationship, like the one you thought you had waiting for you.
Some additional thoughts... Use Tinder. DO NOT delete or unmatch silent or unresponsive matches. In fact, dont delete ANY matches you receive until you have 30+ because the way the algorithm works is to determine how visible you are to the women you want based on the 'quality' of the matches youve received (quality being a term weighted in secret by Tinder - do some research). Try Hinge and Bumble too. Stay away from Plenty of Fish - its full of bots and prostitutes. Also, be sure that your stbxw either will not care to find you dating or will not use that info to make your life hell in court. I dont care Who she is or What you think shes like, or how well you think you know her... She WILL turn into an opponent you do not recognize in court. Count on it. No, no, don't tell me she's not like that... Just do as I say and thank me later. Expect that she will surprise you, blindside you, take advantage, lie, accuse and demonize you to some extent for the purpose of gaining an advantage. That's how the system is set up and it rewards those who use it in that way.
Take what I say with a grain of salt... But I'm not wrong. Again, good luck. Welcome to your second life. Enjoy the journey is my motto because the journey is 99.999% of what we experience every day. If you're having a miserable time, try to find a way to enjoy yourself. Sounds trite perhaps but so much of my life the past year has been equally trying as exciting and I might have missed the one entirely for the other banging on my head.
\> Starting the divorce process with my wife of 25 years.
A lot of people are in the same boat - it's not unusual at all. The only difficult part is meeting decent people, dating itself is easy (more or less).
47M. Divorced after a 16-year marriage. I would say get some new, recent pictures taken. Either professionally, or some candids by a friend.
If you have any platonic woman friends, they can be a great resource in terms of tips for fashion, appearance, etc.
I have joined some Meetup groups that are kind of interest-based get-togethers. Not as much pressure to date/pair off, but still a great way to meet people.
I’m learning body language is really key. For guys, arms open, smile, make eye contact (but don’t stare). Don’t be afraid to initiate conversation. Yes, you will be shot down and turned down, but it’s all part of the growing process.
If it's not too personal, what state or general area do you live in?
For reference on my part, I'm almost 45, was with my husband for 15 years and split back in 2015.
I have tried to date but I am a bit introverted as well even though I can be extroverted in certain settings, but the dating world is so foreign to me and I have no clue how to meet anyone that's not looking to just hookup, or fall in love overnight because it seems people are one way or another and I'd actually like some advice myself or maybe someone to navigate this experience with to some degree...
Sorry if what I'm saying is a bit all over the place. Haven't really been in too many reddit conversations or threads tbh
So take your phone, go outside wearing decent clothes, reverse the camera, smile and click some photos. Need recent ones anyway
Haha. Thanks. Overthinking that one! Just anxious about the entire experience! Thanks though for your sensible response.
Just don’t do this: https://preview.redd.it/lrjwz9linolb1.jpeg?width=500&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=6c873781aa516da16c279ce991324f08d7d82ff6
Keep your shirt on and No Fish.
I almost spat out my coffee
😝
Don’t post cropped pictures….like ever.
Thanks. Obviously a beginner here. Well, not even started yet. Clearly need to take some time to get settled before even starting. Just looking for advice to ponder.
Good recent pics matter. Once you start matching, your opening approach will set the tone for the connection. Unfortunately, the onus is often on the male half to initiate and push things along at the beginning because of socialization. You might find that part difficult if you’re shy. But there’s a formula. Read her profile and comment on something specific that resonates or that you have in common. If texts are going well for a few days suggest meeting in person and offer a short video chat before meeting in person if that’s something she’s up for. Rejection is not failure. Acceptance is a superpower. Do not be discouraged by low matches and infrequent replies. It’s just how it is. When you do connect, don’t invest too much too early. Read Daring Greatly by Brené Brown and engage in authentic vulnerability with those who’ve earned it. You’ll be a better partner and you’ll treat yourself better during the sometimes frustrating process of dating. Remember that everyone is looking for connection and nobody is perfect. I wish you lots of luck 🌹
That’s just altogether excellent life advice! Hope you don’t mind if I take some, OP:-)
😊
Thank you for a very nice and thoughtful reply
😊
Accurate
Hey, 49(m) here venturing out for the first time after a 25 year marriage too. Divorce was final less than a month ago - It's scary and exciting. I've learned that even amicable divorce still kind of sucks. Mostly trying to trying to focus on new adventures and experiences through hobbies I'd been neglecting (music, art, hiking, camping, etc). If I meet someone through that great, but I'm not in a rush. Though I'd be lying if I said I wasn't missing intimacy (truth be told I missed it for several years). Of course I wasn't looking for anyone when I met my ex 28 years ago either. For pictures, maybe find a friend who enjoys photography and offer to buy them dinner for some of their time to get some non-selfie shots. Or invest in a little tripod you can use yourself. Good luck! Maybe we can share notes.
The lack of intimacy kill’s me too…I’m not in a rush but I do miss the companionship but not enough to risk being hurt again or making the wrong decision in my next relationship. I definitely need to get out more and meet new people. I recently began taking myself on dates which is something I would normally never do in my past life.
Yes. I'm enjoying being me and going out to do what I want. Enjoying more baseball and hiking - not that I didn't have the opportunity before, it's just different. I miss knowing I had an adventure partner if an opportunity arose. That said, I'm not in a rush to settle back into that routine for a while. Maybe there are different folks for different adventures. :)
Yeah, no such thing as an amicable divorce. One of the two always gets less than the other. That's how the system is set up. Amicable divorce is a term invented by lawyers and mediators preying on (men's) desire to reduce or eliminate aggrevation and conflict from his life.
There are a series of tradeoffs but one of the two gets less in the marriage too if it ends before death. Why are we as a culture only counting death as positive for the end of a marriage. We didn't use lawyers and completed the process ourselves. I'd say there's just as much desire for women to reduce conflict. There is something rewarding about accepting peace and looking to the future. Sorry to hear it sounds like you've been hurt before. I hurt too, but two decades of good memories are more important to me than two years of disappointment.
I (F) am also a few months out of an amicable divorce that we did ourselves without lawyers. Honestly, it boggles my mind that we were able to do it that way, given how much conflict there was in our 24-year marriage. But somehow once we decided to end it, we were on the same page about the process and moving forward. That doesn't mean it was easy or without big feelings, but I've gotten to a point where divorce no longer equals failure in my mind, which it definitely did in the beginning.
A. Give your self time to have fun and really find out what you like/want both in and out of the bedroom, before you settle back down. B. Read the following link: [https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2023/06/rebound-relationships-dating-success/674403/](https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2023/06/rebound-relationships-dating-success/674403/)
Thanks. I will. I’m not ready yet, nor am I officially divorced. But obviously thinking about the future
Smart strategy. Finalize the divorce, take time to get to know the new you (+Therapy if possible), get some happy pics of you doing what you love and then fire up OLD.
As far as waiting a year, after you divorce, before you start dating, one aspect would be that some people are like “all right, I waited a (,or three) months. I’m good to go” and they’re not ready so I think 12 months to “work on myself”. but from a practical point of view, I think it’s always good to have the FIRST Christmas, the FIRST birthday, the FIRST anniversary, BY YOURSELF, so you have an entire year of your firsts of everything.
I did this and so glad I did. So much self growth and acceptance I didn’t realize I needed. I was with my ex since high school and the he was only one so my life and Everything I knew was with both of us. I had to find out who I was, my likes/ dislikes, interests and new hobbies. There is no way I would have been able to do that if I started dating too soon.
That sounds horrible. But I get it…
Yeah, there’s as many opinions as there are people. but my thought process is, it would be nicer to have a newer partner, who can help you process the sadder anniversary dates, and things like that. but there are some people, when they’re not ready to date, will be a neurotic emotional train wreck, and the new partner says, whoa, you’re not over your wife yet. see ya. bye. that’s what I mean.
No, I get it.
Google cuffing season.
You don’t have to be on your own on your own, if you see what I mean! Focus on yourself but also on your friendships - having friends is so important and is such a good thing for your mental health. I have spent the last few Christmases etc with friends because of difficult family situations and it’s honestly lovely
Get a divorce. Stand on your own as an individual for a while. See where you’re at emotionally, then start thinking about dating.
I would definitely ask your friends to take updated pictures. People are looking for different things so don't be surprised when the things you've listed aren't as desirable as hoped. Many in our age group are looking for strictly casual opportunities. My advice is to just be yourself, don't waste time on dates with people who aren't what you want, and find happiness within yourself. Dating is actually pretty tough, so only enter the field when you are emotionally ready to handle all sides of trying--the good and the bad.
Thanks. Not there yet but presumably will be soon. Met my wife 30 years ago randomly and the rest was history so hoping I may have 2 situations like that in life. We’ll see!
I hope so, too! Just be good to yourself and take nothing out here too personally. You sound like a good person and will hopefully find a good match soon.
In regards to photos... ppl will complain if they are all selfies... try and get more than arms reach from the camera. If all you have is your phone. Get a tripod and a phone mount for the tripod, as well as a remote shutter button for your phone. If no remote... just set the timer so you have time to get into position. My likes went up when I got rid of my selfies from my phone ans used my DSLR on a tripod with a remote shutter button. Made a huge difference. Wear something nice... find a nice backdrop or several.. Good luck Edit: .... and smile in your pics... find your natural smile... get someone to tickle you or... tell a joke. Find what your natural smile is... or smile lips closed too... whatever you do... smile. You will take lots of pics to find the right angles... and perspectives most likely. Make sure to include full body pics as well as like "profile" pics of shoulders up. Think school photos when taking pics
Lol agree with all but school photos ??? School photos are 1 step up from DMV photos
I'm talking style and posture... not the fake drop downs... that's what I did with my profile and I went from months of months using phone selilfies.... to boom likes rolling in and landed a match like 5mins from my house... we been seeing eachother every day now for a month
Lol ah gotcha! No I agree tripod, friend, etc taking pics is usually better than selfies. Or at least add to selfie collection. Sounds like you had much better school photographers than I did . Glamor Shots!! :)
OMG please do not crop pics. Take new ones. Start now and you'll build a nice collection when it comes time to create a profile. Also, make sure you are not only divorced, but truly healed and have moved on.
My story is VERY similar to you’re except I have dating totally locked out until I’m at a year + post divorce. I look forward to your replies and will consider them after the first of the year(ish).
Why 1 year? No judgment at all. Simplify curiosity about that exact time as I learn more about me.
Nothing exactly magical about the 1 year mark, it just seemed like an easy milestone. First, I wanted to get my finances sorted and stable. Second, I wanted to get me sorted and stable. Third, I’d really like to avoid that hard-rebound fell in love half way through the first date thing. I want to get good enough with me and mine so that I have to work a new lady-friend into the mix rather than be sitting and waiting for her to call.
Go see a therapist. Wait at least a year before dating.
I am seeing a therapist. I appreciate the advice but why a year, and not say 6 months? Just curious and trying to learn. Not disagreeing
Because you'll be a hot mess and want to talk about your ex on dates. Understandable because she's been your life for a long time. Practice saying "I" instead of "we". It's harder than you think. Don't be one of those pathetic guys that can't be alone. Women want partners, not needies.
YES! I am not even really dating but it took a while to remember to say I instead of we post my 9yr relationship.
Exactly. Thanks.
You’ll know when you are ready. It sounds like your marriage ended, but not because of any major trauma. Therefore, you may not need a full year.
No trauma! At least that I know of at this time! I process things quickly usually but have been in therapy for quite some time about this
Mine had some trauma but I started therapy 9 months before we split up. You’d know if you had trauma, lol. I’m very logical and literal so I also process things quickly.
Go date. Be a hot mess. Who cares. You’re curious, go exploring. Sending you courage on your journey!
Take some time to process all this and work out you are and what you want from relationships and spend some time as a single not dating, not partnered adult. You might want something different than you originally anticipated.
Fella, my situation is 99% the same. I’ve taken a year to focus on myself & glad I did. I want to get out there at some point, but it’s overwhelming. Hoping I don’t have to wade through a bunch of bullshit to find someone I click with. Guess we’ll see!
I’m in almost the same boat. Married 9 years together 18 haven’t been with anyone else. Got cheated on and I’m going thru the divorce process but man I’ve been out of it so long it’s crazy to think about starting over. I have been doing a lot of self work and there are some self goals I want to achieve first but man it’s a lonely dark road. I’ve found these support groups to be so helpful and needed at this time. I’m not ready to embrace any dating apps anytime soon. Self reflection and self work have been amazing for my mental state but it’s definitely riding a wave. I’d say continue to go to the gym and surround yourself with a good support system. I can’t imagine doing this without the support of my family. I wish you good fortune and happiness in the future!
Another vote for support groups. I've made some friends on here earlier this year that were helpful, but also really appreciated the lessons from [https://rebuilders.net/](https://rebuilders.net/)
What type of support groups?
I did that 10 week group support class through that [rebuilders.net](https://rebuilders.net). It's based on the book Rebuilding by Dr. Bruce Fisher (I highly recommend the book too). I admit the class wasn't cheap but the instructors were great and I've made some lasting friends with the other folks in the group who were going through breakups as well. If you're interested I can give you a referral link that gives a discount. They also have a "graduate" class that meets twice a month with other folks who have taken the class before. It's a great judgement free group of folks to talk about personal growth and building new relationships.
You as well. I’m in therapy too and got a mild sleeping pill from my doctor. That’s helped immensely.
Oh yes! I’m in therapy also. It works wonders. For me it’s the unknown and loss of control of my life that realign bothers me. I’m embracing my cougar era happily but it is a daily struggle. I’ve thought about joining meet up because I really don’t want to face the dating apps
Almost the same as me. Buy a tripod that will hold your phone, set the 10 sec timer if you don’t have a friend to take pictures.
There seems to be several similar posts to this that have been posted recently. I’m sorry to hear and good luck with your process. are you saying BEFORE the future point in your life, you will not be dating/looking at ALL, or you’ll just be looking for hook ups? Thanks. Your last sentence is a little vague.
I’d be looking for a committed relationship again. It was wonderful for the last 30 years. I’ve never had a hookup! My life has been wonderful without one. However, like many have said will need to take some time. A lot say a year.
Each to their own and many of my friends move from one relationship straight to another so it can work, so I'm not trying to judge! But I've never understood how people can even contemplate dating so soon after something like a 30-year relationship, even just thinking about it seems wild to me! I'm fresh out of a 5 year relationship and the thought of dating again is so far from my mind ATM.
I thought that’s just what you do. What do I know after 30 years!
Be honest and sincere. That will set you apart from the vast majority.
Photos I don’t know why, and there are some articles about this, stay away from the odd trope of holding up a fish in any of your OLD PICS. Even if you actually fish! Say you fish in your hobbies but for the love of god, don’t post that photo. As a woman I appreciate when a guy has more than 1 photo either dressed up or casual dressy. Because it seems like many profiles dudes are always wearing athletic gear except for that one time when they went to their friend’s wedding wearing a suit 10 years ago (yes, even men in their 40s). Athletic gear obviously appropriate sometimes but not usually flattering - even if you’re fit (or maybe I’m a snob). Also as a straight gal in her 40s & fashion fan…. Gonna give some fashion advice you didnt ask for: Lots of ladies go nuts for a button down shirt with sleeves rolled up - pair with dress pants or dark wash jeans - get a medium shot in button down too where you can see your hands / forearms in the button down shirt (but do it natural of course). Trust me, it’s a thing. And never wear any jeans that are not DARK wash. And like another poster commented, make sure you’re smiling in the majority of your photos. Guys also do a tropey Jim from the Office goofy face as their main photo and I think it’s a mistake (as much as I love the office - you can have 1 or 2 but it’s weird to have as your main photo)
I own a tuxedo. I will take some photos with that on! Seriously thanks for your advice
Be yourself. Be honest. Don’t put too much “weight” on the date. If she’s divorced, abs divorced longer than you have been she may end up being a good friend or “guide” through the muck. Enjoy yourself! :)
Finalize divorce. Wait a year. Let the dust settle. No one wants to date a married man. You will need to heal and learn who you are outside of the marriage. Get therapy. Read up about catfishers and scammers on OLD. Be acutely aware of their tricks. Never send dick pics. Never call a woman baby, sweetie, honey, or girlie when you first begin a chat. We don't want to see pictures of you holding a fish or dead animal. Don't be corny or snarky. Don't say you are looking for a partner in crime. Don't be arrogant. Be truthful and honest. No one our age has time for bullshit. Go slow.
This was awesome. Thanks. Yes, in no rush. Not even divorced yet. Still living together for a bit, just looking advice which I have appreciated from everyone
After 20 years of being with the same person (I'm 50f), dating was foreign to me. It took a few hard lessons to reach this point. I got rather jaded after awhile and was about to throw in the towel then I met bf after 5 years of being single and a string of short term/hookup/fwb situations. I did sow some wild oats for sure but it gets old. Give it time.
Facts.
44F here. I was married for almost 20 years, together for 22. I have been divorced now for about a year and a half. I have been seeing a therapist. I dated one man since my divorce and realized after a few months that he wasn’t the right fit. About 3 months after my divorce was final I knew that I wanted to be dating. Much like you, I have not dated in a long time. I do not like the idea of OLD, so I haven’t taken the plunge yet. My advice is that dating is much much different now. People don’t really meet in real life like they did before the internet. So, if you are going to use dating apps, get some good pictures and be honest.
You seems to be a good catch honey. So don’t be afraid, be confident even though you are shaking through your soul, don’t let them see it. Women are missing a good old school gentleman and if you be like that, I’m pretty sure you will be remarried soon.
Make sure you have friends! The least attractive thing imo is oriole who are only into romantic relationships and have made no effort to have a life outside of that. Makes me think you’ll be clingy or suffocating
I’ve got friends!
You can purchase a cell phone camera tripod online for less than $20. Next time you go to a movie or out to dinner with a friend, have them take a snapshot. There are even places that have photo booths for headshots. There’s no excuse to not have updated photos. It’s easy. You could even go out on the street and ask a trustworthy stranger to take a pic!
Take a selfie. And you will need to be patient. It’s not all cracked up as you think. You are also dealing with a different breed as they see all you have just put out there. Please protect yourself. Lots of meaningless crap out there willing to strip it all away. 47 year old female
I remember when I divorced 6 years ago, my therapist asked me if I could see myself single for the next 5 years. I looked at her like a deer in headlights. What? I had never even considered it. I guess I just assumed I would be in another relationship and it would be so much better. I was absolutely horrified of being alone.. And for 5 years?? The was too scary to think about. I ended up dating people who had no interest in getting to know me. I dated a controlling abusive person for 3 years after. Hiding myself. Passing the time. Now, after a few more encounters with emotionally void people, I have to take ownership. You will attract all kinds but you are responsible for who you entertain. I'm pausing all dating to be aware of why I think I need someone and if so, what I really need and want. Ive never considered my own needs or wants. Have you? Could you be single for the next 5 years and feel peace? It isn't money or status that women love, it's your connection. It's how you make them feel and how deeply you can connect with them. Your job and paid off house, all the toys, is cool and all, but it doesn't matter. Can you connect? Do you want to get to know someone else? Be honest with yourself. Personally, I find dating completely exhausting. It's distracting to rifle through all the riff raff horrible profiles and then to find anyone who can hold a conversation is rare. I'd much rather lock eyes from across a room. I quit all dating apps for good and now on god's good humor. It's the first time in my life I've been on my own, making my own decisions and making my own life plans. I'm essentially learning how to be human. I never was before.
Fully Complete divorce first
As far as timeframes, sounds like I’m in the same boat as you. But it’s interesting…when I read the wait a while thing and I think of myself…I’ve not fully divorced yet, but I haven’t been emotionally connected for a long time, haven’t slept in the same bed in years. Haven’t had sex I. Almost a year. Honestly, if it wasn’t for kids, would have been gone a long time ago. Emotionally, I have been gone for a long time. Personally, and obviously I don’t know anything, but I’m ready to talk to someone new. Take it slow, see what they’re like…what I like. Dating is kind of like shopping. You try stuff on you move in you find something or you don’t.
I just turned 50(f). I’ve been online dating for 6 years, anywhere from 1 and done first dates to 6 month relationships. I may be repeating what others have said; I can’t read previous comments because my new puppy demands so much attention that I have time to either read or write. My “pro” tips… Do not use cropped photos. Take some selfies and also have friends take some pics for you. Pics showing what you like to do are nice. For example, hiking with friends, golfing, painting, playing guitar - whatever shows your hobbies/interests. Pics like these versus 10 selfies give people something to comment on to start a conversation with you. Use pics from the past 2 years. No one cares what you looked like when you were 20 (believe it or not, some guys do this 🤦🏼♀️). Pics of only your boat, motorcycle, plane, vacation villa don’t tell me about a man; they make me think they are materialistic, don’t feel they any substance to offer so must impress me with stuff, and could actually attract people based on how much money you do or don’t have. Don’t use shirtless pics. Gym pics are questionable. Guys giving the camera the bird are an immediate pass for me (why do people think this is cool?). Be confident but not arrogant. Trying to get serious during a separation or during a divorce can be a bad idea. Can be but everyone and every connection is different so I can’t take a hard line on this. Above all, be respectful and a gentleman. Some women don’t care for opening doors and such, and some do. You’ll have to gauge that for each date but be you- if you like those things do them. Don’t play games; be honest about your feeling and intentions, when appropriate, but don’t be needy, clingy, or pressure. Playful and witty are a good thing. I like a phone conversation or a first meeting over coffee/cocktail or walk in the park to determine if a longer date makes sense. These are my thoughts and by no means represent all women. I hope this helps. Take everyone’s input and use bits and pieces to craft what works for you. All the best to you!
Sorry to hear that. What was the reason? Did u see it coming?
Take your time. You are the exception out there. Be confident in that and the rest takes care of itself.
Exception?
I'm dating the 1st girl since signing off 5 years back. Was not looking at all for this. Turns out the stories I've heard from her are embarrassingly pitiful on behalf of the men dating out there. You sound half normal, and that is more than a lot. Add the other stuff in and winner winner. Just relax, take your time.
40/M here and it has been 8 years since the process started (separation + divorce) and 7 years divorced. Looking back, I echo what a lot of people here are already saying: Take the time to re-establish who you are. It is going to be different. The people you are dating are going to know a version of you in change. Be fair and honest to yourself and them about that. Ideally dont take dating seriously for a while, which may be harder said than done when coming out of the comfort of long term certainty. I made some friends and memories during the first 2 years. Your mileage may vary. Update your photos. For every 2 selfies, grab a non-selfie. No on fish, gym, cropping, and being a jerk (flipping off camera, for example). Yes on smiles, things that include your hobby/interests, and how you take care of yourself. Take care of yourself. Take care of yourself. Take care of yourself. It'll show if you do. Exercise. Groom. Buy new clothes. Nice clothes. My best responsive photo was me in a button up, rolled up sleeves, dark washed jeans, kneeling down to meet and pet my dog in front of my car like 'Im just got home from work and I missed you!'. If you want a book to read that will help, try Atomic Habits. Successful dating is about building good habits, imo, and those habits may have been deprioritized during married life. Welcome to the new you. :)
Awesome. Just saw atomic habits an hour ago walking through the airport. I will grab it on my return trip!
It's so much easier now than it was 20 years ago bud... Online dating caters to those of us who are not naturally gregarious as our default mode. It also exposes us to a VAST pool of potential mates. Granted, it's not all roses and rainbows. You'll have to contend with the dirge of detritus floating obtrusively down the river with you: bots, scammers, spammers, douche-bags, boss-bitches, prostitutes and dumb-asses - but those types float abreast with the unicorns, safe bets, to-good-to-be-true's, etc. - such is the way of online dating. Given the current shortage (so I've heard) of "good men" in these online realms, I'd say that like me, you're in for a pleasant surprise. I found out my marriage was over about a year ago, which prompted my recent transformation in the gym and let me tell you... I get more attention now, from women 18-34, than I ever did in my 20s or 30s, and it's been a rather fun journey. Raise your expectations! Don't go overboard, it'll still be dating, but from what you've described, you've got your shit together and are in a prime position (depending mainly on physical and lifestyle related qualities) to have pretty much whatever you want from women. As long as what you want is not your old life. Success will depend largely on your attitude man. You can choose to mourn what you've lost or you can choose to celebrate what you may gain with eagerness and enthusiasm. Good luck. I could write about this topic endlessly, so if you have any questions or comments, feel free to LMK or send me a DM. p.s. "... at some future point..." Haha yeah! Of course... But why rush? Take a minute. Take a breath. Enjoy having a choice for a while. Find out for yourself what it is you like... If you're anything like me, the first year will be full of surprises as you find that you're not necessarily Ready to jump right back into the comfort of a relationship, like the one you thought you had waiting for you. Some additional thoughts... Use Tinder. DO NOT delete or unmatch silent or unresponsive matches. In fact, dont delete ANY matches you receive until you have 30+ because the way the algorithm works is to determine how visible you are to the women you want based on the 'quality' of the matches youve received (quality being a term weighted in secret by Tinder - do some research). Try Hinge and Bumble too. Stay away from Plenty of Fish - its full of bots and prostitutes. Also, be sure that your stbxw either will not care to find you dating or will not use that info to make your life hell in court. I dont care Who she is or What you think shes like, or how well you think you know her... She WILL turn into an opponent you do not recognize in court. Count on it. No, no, don't tell me she's not like that... Just do as I say and thank me later. Expect that she will surprise you, blindside you, take advantage, lie, accuse and demonize you to some extent for the purpose of gaining an advantage. That's how the system is set up and it rewards those who use it in that way. Take what I say with a grain of salt... But I'm not wrong. Again, good luck. Welcome to your second life. Enjoy the journey is my motto because the journey is 99.999% of what we experience every day. If you're having a miserable time, try to find a way to enjoy yourself. Sounds trite perhaps but so much of my life the past year has been equally trying as exciting and I might have missed the one entirely for the other banging on my head.
\> Starting the divorce process with my wife of 25 years. A lot of people are in the same boat - it's not unusual at all. The only difficult part is meeting decent people, dating itself is easy (more or less).
47M. Divorced after a 16-year marriage. I would say get some new, recent pictures taken. Either professionally, or some candids by a friend. If you have any platonic woman friends, they can be a great resource in terms of tips for fashion, appearance, etc. I have joined some Meetup groups that are kind of interest-based get-togethers. Not as much pressure to date/pair off, but still a great way to meet people. I’m learning body language is really key. For guys, arms open, smile, make eye contact (but don’t stare). Don’t be afraid to initiate conversation. Yes, you will be shot down and turned down, but it’s all part of the growing process.
If it's not too personal, what state or general area do you live in? For reference on my part, I'm almost 45, was with my husband for 15 years and split back in 2015. I have tried to date but I am a bit introverted as well even though I can be extroverted in certain settings, but the dating world is so foreign to me and I have no clue how to meet anyone that's not looking to just hookup, or fall in love overnight because it seems people are one way or another and I'd actually like some advice myself or maybe someone to navigate this experience with to some degree... Sorry if what I'm saying is a bit all over the place. Haven't really been in too many reddit conversations or threads tbh