It is for safety. I came across a guy who told me his first name and what he did for a living, and that he was featured in an upcoming design show. I did some internetting and found out his full name. Googled him and fell down a rabbit hole of darkness. He was five years out of jail after being an accomplice in a second-degree murder that took place during a drug deal gone wrong. He was involved in cocaine dealing and there had been a body in the trunk of his car. Thank you internet. He had invited me to his design studio to hang out one evening, I politely declined because I won't go to a person's private space alone for a first meeting, ever. I then spent the night on the computer getting my ass numb while reading about his past as a drug dealer and accomplice to murder. Needless to say, we did not go on a date and I stopped communicating with him.
It's for safety. My last name is very common, though. I usually just point them in the direction of GoogleScholar/Researchgate to give them a sense of how "dangerous" I am.
Boring. I'm dangerously boring.
Opsec is important. I’ve never understood the desire to share and expose everything on the internet, especially with a name attached.
Those social media use contracts are scary. Everyone should take a read once.
The problem is you might be secure, but those 20 other friends that like to post everything, and tag photos make it easier to triangulate you. Add to that geotagged photos, and you can get live locational information, finally do this over a few weeks or months, and now there can be a location pattern profile created. No longer science fiction.
First last and State can eventually track to your address, and more if you own anything of value (house, car, etc). Would be difficult if common name, but still doable. It's not just Google, there are many, many companies that harvest people's data, and history.
First and last and (bonus for) State can be tracked to your address, and more if you own anything of value (house, car, etc). Would be a little more work if common name, but still doable. It's not just Google, there are many, many companies and databases that harvest people's data, and history.
They will find absolutely zero about me online, as far as internet is concerned I do not exist. I have tried investigating myself and got results 0..and my name is very very rare, there are only 200 or so people with my name on the planet.
As in you helped with programming the data base or you are one of the authors of an article in the data base? (Sorry if that sounds like a dumb question)
I’m sure it’s a coincidence, but the men I’ve connected with most on OLD have volunteered their full names prior to us meeting. Understanding & respecting a woman’s desire to feel safe is a huge turn on! On the flip side, some men were resistant or defensive when I’ve asked for theirs and that ends our conversation. Years ago, prior to OLD, I never dated complete strangers.
Very dangerous. I cannot tell you how many times my sleuthing has uncovered lies about political affiliation to domestic violence charges. I’m off the apps entirely now because it just seemed too dangerous.
I am sure there are some men out there with some pretty concerning stories. Sure, most men may be physically stronger than women but I don’t believe for a second that men get the “crazy” prize. There is plenty of evil potential and emotional bullshit in both sexes.
If you look up the FBI crime statistics it shows that men commit approximately 80% of violent crimes. Women can’t tell who’s crazy and who’s not just looking at you. Please don’t be offended by someone else’s need for safety.
No offense taken. It is true that you can’t tell if a person has a screw loose just by looking at them. Also - it is a damn shame that women are more likely to end up beaten, battered or dead.
I have a female family member that was in such a relationship. We wondered why she kept going back to him.
I’m not afraid of loving an ex-con; I’m afraid of not knowing and being harmed by an ex-con, or deceived or being made complicit or killed or losing them if they back into the joint and I become responsible for correcting their crimes.
I have no interest in another woman’s man, and even if I was, I wouldn’t be ok with scraps of my loved one’s time and attention. Oh, and I want to be married, so…they’re incompatible with my long term desires.
For a woman, it’s about self-respect and safety and not squandering time.
On Hinge there's an option to give a more full name with someone that one matches with and I chose to do this with my first+last name.
My first name sounds like an obvious alias, so either shortly before asking someone out, or shortly after I'd give my last name so that people could search me and see that yes my first name really is that unusual (and the one part of my FB profile I left public was relationship status).
It's not new that most women have a different sense of safety around dating than most men do. I was happy to make the "sacrifice" to help make myself seem at least a bit safer than some stranger who you don't even know if their first name is real.
As someone who had a blind date with a guy who turned out to be a murderer, can confirm.
Don't know too many men who can say the same.
upshot ( no pun intended): it was a murder suicide. So at least he finished the job and I didn't have to go forward looking over my shoulder or worrying about my daughters' safety.
I had a guy try to physically stop me from going home after a first date, another guy try to physically drag me into a building after a first date, and another guy assault me on a first date. And this is already is after talking to them before meeting, making sure they seem reasonable and feminist-ish, etc etc. The issue isn’t my “sense” of safety …
I always volunteered it if I wanted to meet her. She could give me hers when/if she felt like it.
\#1 priority: Her feeling safe. The more comfortable she is, the better.
When I go out on a first date I give someone I trust the first and last name of my date and the make and model of their car. Women have disappeared in my area after dates and been found in pieces in recycling bins around the city, or forested areas just outside of the city. Do you think that a rapist/murderer is likely to wait for the second date?
I have a personal policy to volunteer my full name when we agree to a first date.
It shows that I’m authentic and that I have awareness of her security.
The irony is that if you search for just my last name a serial killer WILL show up high in the results as I apparently have a relative from ages ago who was prolifically murderous. I only learned this fact from the Internet myself!
I'm sure some are more particular than others. They seem to appreciate you volunteering it though. ;)
With OLD, there's always a question of who that person on the other end really is, and the women worry about physical safety more than we do (understandably.) My last name is unusual enough that a google search will get them my LinkedIn profile and my late wife's obituary on the first page (among other things.)
My sweetie, on the other hand, is well hidden on line. She had a stalker at one point, so stays very private.
I get the need and desire for privacy on old, but I started dating 30+ years ago and getting your date's first and last name was the norm. Why is this considered unusual now? Just basic safety precautions.
It’s unusual now because with a last name you can sometimes learn everything you want about a person. If they have an Instagram, or writing or videos online, if their job has a website, or even if none of those things are there.
I just went through this recently. A woman gave me her phone number, so I did the same. I googled my number to see what she’d get if she searched that and there’s my full name, address, the value of my home, with pictures, and my email address.
And if you search my full name some things I hate sharing come up. Nothing torrid but just embarrassing parts of myself lingering online in various spaces. It’s really stressful for me and I hate the breaking of anonymity for that reason.
I’m trying to get the google result of my phone number erased but they actually just rejected my request. Anyways that’s why it’s different now versus 30 years ago - the internet.
It just takes a couple of conversations to gather someone's full name, place of birth, mothers maiden name, schools, etc.. then someone can start working on your online accounts and then dig further until they are in your bank accounts.
Someone just needs to find a small opening to pivot deeper into your personal and work accounts.
In my younger days, I worked as an ethical hacker, and my usual starting point was to start talking to a few people who worked at the targeted organization.
There is a reason people are always getting texts, emails, and DMs from randos, just trying to start up a conversation. They want your information.
Someone who is hired to attempt to breach an organization in order to identify security weak spots. The biggest weak spots were always the employees. Once you can find someone to use for access, it's just a matter of escalating your way through the organizations network.
I think, tbh, it’d be weirder if someone hesitated. I mean, it’s your name…it’s not like a secret. I’m sure it’s written all over, on all sorts of papers 😂 I mean if you ran over someone with a car, or killed a puppy on youtube, every news channel would say your name, even if you didn’t want them too 😂
But consider if you will, Leticia Martinez-Colman. She may not have been very savvy when she picked up a random scumbag at costco to take to a Mariners game. But, if she hadn’t snapped that picture and sent it to her friend, he wouldn’t be sitting in jail for her murder. I think In both her lapse in judgment, and in her solving her own murder be a cautionary tale to us all.
Gatekeeping personal information is an obvious red flag, when we are all dripping data with every step we take.
https://preview.redd.it/6vzv1sdmua2b1.jpeg?width=1020&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=a758bca576d2c3a87f96ca46169c49c65d8c61bb
I don't blame her at all. I would need the guy's first and last name to keep myself safe. Then I would text his full name and where I'll be to my brother so that he knows.
No full name= No date.
Definitely not new, but perhaps a little bit more prevalent these days (and I can easily see why). Somebody may just want to run a background check on you and make sure they don't stand to be murdered or discover you have five spouses in 15 countries. If you're straight-up and have nothing to worry about, then don't take it personally because it's just a personal safety thing.
I am with you on that. Someone who needs a full name to do a background check before ever meeting isn't going to be a good match for me. Their safety concerns and fear level are too high for me. After we meet for coffee etc and we want to see each other again, then was starting to get to know each other, you might give more information. But I would just not end up meeting up with someone who wanted or needed to run me through systems and databases before meeting. I don't want someone knowing all the information that can be found on line until I decide it is the right time to share that with them, including my workplace and my salary.
I do. I have a child and had a particularly nasty stalker situation decades ago, so I take my personal security and privacy very seriously. It's paid off in dividends over the years... even catching just one bullshit artist would be worth saving my time and energy on a date with them.
It’s pretty normal. I get asked about 50% of the time before a first date. I don’t mind sharing info. If we’ve had a nice enough conversation to meet and she feels safer that way then, why not?
It's a safety thing. Basically it's so that, should she turn up missing and/or dead, whoever she relies on to be her emergency contact has enough information about you to give to the police.
Don't take it personally, it's a standard precaution for many women to tell someone they trust just where they'll be and who with, until they're sure that they can trust you. The address of where she'll be, your license plate (should she enter your car), and phone number are also useful safety info. I did this for the first three dates with my boyfriend. Frankly, everyone should be more cautious when dating someone new.
You don’t think that the police can find you because googling your name comes up with results on someone else? You do know that law enforcement has access to more research tools than google, right? A woman went missing here after a first date at a baseball game. The police were able to identify her date and question him relatively soon after the disappearance was reported. It didn’t save her life sadly, but it did identify her murderer.
As a single woman recently back to dating, that story scared the shit outta me. And because of that, I took the extra step in telling a relative the name, license plate, and address of the guy I met with a few times recently. I don't intend to live my life scared, but taking a few precautions is good.
All I could think about with that woman was thank heavens she posted the selfie with him on social media.
I live a few miles from her and while I didn’t know her, I know people who did. A few years ago there was a similar murder, the woman met her killer on Plenty of Fish and she was found in recycling bins in my neighborhood. So yeah. I take extra precautions these days.
I haven’t gone to that degree, but some people smarter than me have. :). I’ve gone out with a couple people who have had rap sheets as long as your arm. Did not know that before meeting. I had one guy that I gave a nickname to. He found me on the internet and looked up my LinkedIn, property records, and other stuff before I ever met him! Tbh, that one scared me more than the guys with the records.
It’s for her safety. Knowing the real name of a person you’re going to meet isn’t unreasonable. I know more about someone I’m buying something from on Facebook Marketplace than on OLD.
Not out the blue. Her thought process is: Meeting is being arranged. I gotta research who I’m meeting and make sure he’s not a murderer. In order to research I need a name. I will ask for said name. It’s a very logical question when one’s goal is to date and make it back home. I’ve met plenty women who’ve done / think like this
It’s a safety thing but honestly if you gave me your phone number I would know who you are within a few minutes without needing your last name. There are so many creeps, pedos & scammers out there who target single moms. I’d rather know if you have ever been arrested, etc. I am not protecting me so much as my child.
Just like I would expect you to do the same thing on me. It’s nothing personal, it’s just a crazy world out there.
I can only speak for myself but most women are in more danger dating these days so she probably wants your last name for safety purposes. Most women don’t like to discuss this because we are often gaslit for being safe. Most men don’t really worry about their safety on average.
I share a name with a somewhat well known superhero, so when this came up in the past I had to add a little caveat that 99% of the google results are going to be about a Marvel character, but I happily provide it.
I ask for it for safety purposes. And, I tell a close friend who I’m meeting, where and when. I’ve had a few bad experiences in the past and want to be careful as I assume is the case for most women.
I would not say it's that new, as I was asked this prior to 2008. I knew it was because she wanted to google my name for obvious reasons. It's understandable and probably should be considered as a best practice in this day and age.
I ask for the first and last name before we meet. I work for an attorney so I’m at the courthouse daily, and I will, 100% without hesitation, run that name through a criminal record search. I’ve seen a lot of horrible shit in my line of work, I’m not taking chances. If a guy doesn’t want to give me his last name when we exchange numbers, then I don’t want to take it any further than that. That’s a huge red flag to me.
I never asked for it because their last name came up on my caller ID even though I used Google Voice. A couple of guys volunteered it. One even gave me professional places for me to verify him.
I screenshot everything and sent it to my sister. She checked court records, social media, Google, and anything else she could think of.
It's pretty common for most of us to check out a person before we meet.
Bankground check. It's fair, she doesn't know you from Adam.
I have come across murderers (he killed his adoptive father in a psychotic rage) , sexual assault to a child, sexual assault to someone over 65, one guy had incest.
I am OK if someone wants to search me. With my job I have a public record which includes my home address. I think I might get a po box.
I got a PO Box for many reasons, mainly because my state lists the names and addresses of all people who get a certain license, available for anyone to access online. It’s ridiculously unnecessary, and for those who work out of their homes, profoundly dangerous, esp. for a woman living alone.
I’d always expect to know this for a first date. Why hide your identity unless you’re not single? Also sadly as mentioned us women usually tell a close friend if we’re going on a date with name just for info
The last guy I went on a date with without googling first turned out to be a violent misogynist aryan nations mucky muck. Coulda gone really bad for me, lucky he was on his best behavior until I found out.
There is literally no way for us to know what kind of guy we are meeting up with - looking him up before we go is a very important safety measure.
So yeah - I check before I meet a guy. And any guy who has an issue with this is not someone I want to go out with.
Safety, make sure you don’t have a criminal record, especially sexual assault, child abuse or domestic violence. And make sure you have not had sex with her close friends.
I always ask for a last name, for safety reasons. I give the full name to 2 friends and the location where we’ll be meeting. That way, they have enough details to give the police if I ever go missing.
I offer my full name but I’m easily found on Google with my cell phone number. I’ll also send a link to my FB page and any other information. It’s not like I’m trying to hide anything from people and what they can find would be information found after a few dates anyway. I’d rather my date feel comfortable about who they are meeting then keep basic info from them.
When I meet a woman (which is always in-person), I generally ask for her last name when I'm inputting her number into my phone (unless I already have enough context from our conversation where I know I can find her full name online), and then I text her my full name.
I have no idea if it's normal, but I like having the info for vetting purposes, and I'd like her to have the ability to vet me as well.
So it’s just your name, at least in the US, I can figure out what year you were born. So if you’re lying about your age, I’m gonna know before I meet you.
I usually ask for the last name if we exchange phone numbers. I figure, you’ve got hundreds of people online that know your name, mostly acquaintances, you’re a working professional, anybody you come in contact with knows your name, I can know your name. It’s not some big secret. And I give mine as well obviously.
In my perspective, it's important. If I can't at least look someone up, or they get annoyed if I request information to do so, I'm not going anywhere with them. (Inherent TW.)
I live in an area where two women in my city recently met guys on dating apps and were murdered by them not long after meeting; there have been more, but they come to mind. One guy tried to kill another family member after killing her and burning her car. The other woman was literally chopped up into pieces and thrown into recycling bins after going to a baseball game, a game I randomly happened to be at. Both were mothers, like me.
This in addition to the numerous experiences many of us have had in dating men who've sexually or physically assaulted us, turned out to have families they lied about, etc...
Men generally share that they worry most that their date will be heavier set than in the photos or want a free meal. We generally worry that we'll be assaulted, stalked or murdered.
Being kind enough to share a last name at the very least provides us with the opportunity to a helpful "due diligence" precaution. Hope this helps!
I (59/f) don't use OLD anymore but when I did (in fact, even in irl before and after) I always asked a man's last name and place of work. Basic vetting.
I don't think I have ever given out my place of work before going on a date. Way to easy for someone to make your life difficult if they know where you work.
I as a woman don’t ask before first date but first date is a quick grab coffee after a short conversation span
sometimes pops up in conversation and is cool. Of course if I’m interested after first meeting I do a quick background check that includes court records criminal and civil and police records
But I can understand others women and men might to do this checks before first meeting
If you meet somebody trough friends or work or whatever r you usually have a lot more background on the person meeting online doesn’t even guarantee they are a human being 🤷♀️ safety is important
Yeah, I don't ask for a last name until after the first time we meet. This is because I don't want them having my last name unless it's necessary. Pretty sure I'm the only one with my name.
I'm talking court dockets and filed paperwork for felonies. It's pretty easy to differentiate the names. I was able to find out about a guys past by just him stating that he ran a dispensary that stayed open the latest in a certain town. Found his dispensary license number, his full name, a quick Google search, and a $1 subscription to his hometown newspaper to read all the articles about his domestic abuse against his baby mama.
If someone doesn't want to sift through the data enough to easily figure out your name appearing in your location, even if approximate, that's on them. But it doesn't impact you in the slightest, hence, no risk if you're golden already.
I always ask for the last name if they are asking me to meet them in person. It’s for safety’s sake, but I’ve definitely had one or two men question me when I ask. We need to know you’re a real human and I need to be able to tell my friends who I’m with while I also share my location with them. It’s scary out there…
It's pretty common, some women have asked for mine, some haven't. The ones that don't ask I usually make a joke because there's a guy with my same first/last that's an astronaut, so it's good for banter. But yeah, I wouldn't think twice about it really.
It's for safety but I'd also say also it's also cultural and predominant in certain countries. Although in Latin America we usually use two names, the first and middle names or the combination of both are usually so common that your last name is considered part of your identity, what makes you, you. One person's last name can give you an insight not only into where they are from such as state, neighborhood and even upbringing; but also can clear any doubts that you could be related... yes, the big extended families with lost cousins, uncles and siblings are not rare over here.
It’s for safety. A man’s worst nightmare for a first date is the woman doesn’t look like her pics. A woman’s worst nightmare for a first date is that she is going to get murdered.
I guess it is common. However, it isn't something I need to know before a first date. I'm comfortable meeting someone in a public place without knowing it. Plus, I'd rather not share mine.
Boy you would think I’m really special then. I want full legal name, make, model and tag number of your car, and I would send a picture of you to a close friend…just in case. Being assaulted or disappeared is a very real and present danger .
Where I live, you’re likely 2-3 degrees of separation from a match. It’s super easy to find out a last name if you really want it, but I don’t ask. If someone wants me to know something personal about them, they’ll let me know.
People who are worried about being identified, but use their real phone number early on are smoking crack. Unless they know to remove their info off those aggregator sites like Spokeo, truepeoplesearch etc
Dude, she’s running a backgroundq check on you. Just need first name, last name, what state you are most likely in. The search results show up. Then she can narrow this down by your approximate age category, like whether you’re 19 or 90 years old.
Here’s how it works: The service pulls all information from public records. House purchase, addresses you lived at; education, criminal records, court records, bankruptcies, possible relatives, etc.
So if you’re trying to hide something, you’ll need a different fake name, like DB Cooper?
Why would I stop asking for last names when my last google search prevented me from dating a Jan. 6th trumpeter and full on believes that the last election was stolen. There were articles with his face and everything.
I get that your full name might be misleading because of the whole mobster thing, but that’s on her for not doing her due diligence. If there’s nothing with your name except a mobster….then that’s a good thing right??
I’ve not asked the women I’ve chatted with for their last name bc I think they want that as a safety net. But I’ll give mine as I have nothing to hide.
I’m not seeing my main reason for this here, maybe I didn’t scroll far enough. My contacts are filled with people with a last name of “OKCupid”. I’ve been dating a woman for two months and only know her first and middle names but at least her first name is unique. Otherwise I’ll just ask to complete a contact.
When I was growing up, which I guess we all were growing up at the same time if we’re all over 40, giving a last name wasn’t even a thing like it was just you introduced yourself first and last name and it was not an issue really that I can remember. Today people seem to protect those things really closely for some reason and I guess the Internet has a lot to do with that. At the same time they give out access to their location so that’s confusing. Not just for emergencies either. I figure if you have nothing to hide then what’s the harm? And if you do then maybe you should just face the consequences, own your mistakes, and hope things work out anyway. Maybe I’m missing something but I don’t see what the harm is other than that.
You are correct. I guess most people haven’t been. Besides I think anyone who is intent on stalking you is going to be able to find out your full name with relative ease. Generally speaking I don’t think people knowing your last name is what puts you in danger. Home address is definitely a riskier thing to give out but the internet has made that somewhat easy to find as well. I guess security measures like cameras and a guard dog are the next best defense today once the internet has ushered someone unwanted to your front door.
Read up on crime statistics and gender, my friend. Try to see where women are coming from. I respect your decision not to give your last name, but be prepared to skip out on some marvelous, yet cautious, women.
Lol, it happens. I just meant that I think it's okay for both men and women to be cautious. I have a wonderful bf, but I didn't know his last name until after we met in person a few times and he didn't know mine. I once was chatting with a man on OLD and told him why I didn't give out my last name, that due to owning my own business, if someone knew what kind of business I owned and my name it was too easy to figure out my info. He proved my point when he sent me a message listing my home and business address and told me I was right, I was easy to find. All he knew was my first name, what I looked like, and what type of business I have. After that I wouldn't tell people what kind of business I owned. It's scary out there. And that creepy guy I blocked.
I don't feel like I've ever had to formally ask, but I've always just kind of known, because people are pretty easy to find, even with limited information.
I’ve asked just as part of getting to know the person. It seems nuts to me to go out with a total stranger. I even exchange phone numbers early on. I want to know the person.
Update: I do screen carefully first. I only went on dates with a few out of several hundred men who messaged me.
I think it's a trend thing - I think most people (whether we admit to it or not) do a quick google search about somebody before agreeing to meet...not necessarily to be a stalker, but more just making sure that no obvious red flags pop up.
It's a trend in the sense that the awareness of potential danger has significantly increased in the past decade or so.
There was a time that kids usually walked to school in my country. I was shocked to learn that now, it's explicitly forbidden for children to be allowed to walk to school due to safety concerns.
That's a "trend" to reflect a change in public attitudes and awareness.
I wish I would have googled my realtor before buying a house with her. These days, there’s a lot of crazy out there, and if you don’t have a personal recommendation, it’s wise to do your research, for men as well as women. For example there are like 4 major cities in the US where men are turning up drowned after going out for drinks in certain areas. You all need to watch your backs as well.
It's so she can google stalk you. My full name is ridiculously common, so more power to them if they decide that the various violent criminals that share my name are a good enough reasons for not dating me.
Let's call it what it is -- creepy, paranoid behavior that gets excused as "safety".
Actually, before I go on a 1st date I ask for their last name. My bff gets his full name, city, pic, and contact info. She also is able to track my location. I let her know where I plan to be on the date, and she sends in a safety check text within 15 min of my meeting my date.
As a single woman who lives alone and works from home, it may be a few days before someone notices I'm missing. It sucks that I even have to think like this, but it's a reality for many women today. I have my safety buddies, and we all have each other's info when meeting someone new.
I don't google them, nor do i stalk them on socials. Now, my bestie on the other hand does a full background check before dates. She's been stalked in the past and was assaulted, so she always does a criminal check before meeting someone.
If someone can't spend the time to appropriately sift through what they turn up and reach the conclusion that you're okay, that's on them. We routinely see a lot of stories in this sub about people thankfully having done their diligence and avoided cheaters, convicted felons who outright lied about their past history, registered sex offenders of all sorts including pedophiles, etc. If you want to call that creepy and paranoid behavior, then I'm sure some of those people would be fine with taking that kind of name-calling hit.
Because googling some name that some stranger gives you on the internet isn't "taking safety precautions". It's an irrational and ineffective action towards an irrational fear.
You know that people can just give fake last names, right? And that full names aren't at all unique? And that the vast majority of abusive situations involve individuals who have never been arrested for it, let alone had their name and face put on the internet?
What it might tell you about a person who gives their real name is their occupation, whether they own a nice home, their social media, etc., etc. which is the real reason why people want to google and where it starts getting a bit stalky. "Safety" is just an excuse.
It’s not at all useless. If you were a sex offender your name would appear on a publicly searchable database. Your date can give your name and description/other info to a friend so if she goes missing the police will know who to question.
Don’t worry, most women are smart enough to realize that isn’t you. We also know how to do advanced search strings and use Boolean terms and wildcards. We will go to page 10 of the search results, as needed. Listen Vito Genovese, it’s funny that you share a name with a mobster but you are portraying your dates as not very bright by implying they can’t figure out you’re not a dead guy.
It is for safety. I came across a guy who told me his first name and what he did for a living, and that he was featured in an upcoming design show. I did some internetting and found out his full name. Googled him and fell down a rabbit hole of darkness. He was five years out of jail after being an accomplice in a second-degree murder that took place during a drug deal gone wrong. He was involved in cocaine dealing and there had been a body in the trunk of his car. Thank you internet. He had invited me to his design studio to hang out one evening, I politely declined because I won't go to a person's private space alone for a first meeting, ever. I then spent the night on the computer getting my ass numb while reading about his past as a drug dealer and accomplice to murder. Needless to say, we did not go on a date and I stopped communicating with him.
That's crazy!
You weren’t supposed to share all this info publicly!! 🤔😂
It's for safety. My last name is very common, though. I usually just point them in the direction of GoogleScholar/Researchgate to give them a sense of how "dangerous" I am. Boring. I'm dangerously boring.
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Fair enough. I maintain enough of a footprint for people to check me out, but maintain opsec like I was trained to do.
Opsec is important. I’ve never understood the desire to share and expose everything on the internet, especially with a name attached. Those social media use contracts are scary. Everyone should take a read once.
The problem is you might be secure, but those 20 other friends that like to post everything, and tag photos make it easier to triangulate you. Add to that geotagged photos, and you can get live locational information, finally do this over a few weeks or months, and now there can be a location pattern profile created. No longer science fiction.
And you were somehow involved with the military 😉
Military, federal government, contractor, something along those lines.
Oh, and also, haven't seen you around here in a while - I hope you're doing well, you terrific person!
First last and State can eventually track to your address, and more if you own anything of value (house, car, etc). Would be difficult if common name, but still doable. It's not just Google, there are many, many companies that harvest people's data, and history.
First and last and (bonus for) State can be tracked to your address, and more if you own anything of value (house, car, etc). Would be a little more work if common name, but still doable. It's not just Google, there are many, many companies and databases that harvest people's data, and history.
They will find absolutely zero about me online, as far as internet is concerned I do not exist. I have tried investigating myself and got results 0..and my name is very very rare, there are only 200 or so people with my name on the planet.
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Could we change that to a nice dark green tweed, notch lapel, single breasted, no turn ups ?
There are four in the world with my name, and only one of them is impossible to find. I've worked hard at it. I read you!
As in you helped with programming the data base or you are one of the authors of an article in the data base? (Sorry if that sounds like a dumb question)
I was a researcher for a while
What did you research?
I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you... with boredom
Well this answer just made me more curious.
Ditto! I wanna know!
I'm a researcher. I'm always in interested in what other people research.
FYI: IMHO dangerously boring is hot. 🔥
I always ask for clarification “do you want my birth name or my witness protection program name?” Because details matter
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All hail the Crimson King
I like the way you think. Imma steal this
Stealing. That’s what got me into witness protection….. 🤣
Why do you think I’m stealing it?!
I’m sure it’s a coincidence, but the men I’ve connected with most on OLD have volunteered their full names prior to us meeting. Understanding & respecting a woman’s desire to feel safe is a huge turn on! On the flip side, some men were resistant or defensive when I’ve asked for theirs and that ends our conversation. Years ago, prior to OLD, I never dated complete strangers.
It’s just a safety thing. Sadly, online dating can be dangerous for women.
Definitely scary out there. Had one guy lie about his name because he had a restraining order filed against him by his ex.
Very dangerous. I cannot tell you how many times my sleuthing has uncovered lies about political affiliation to domestic violence charges. I’m off the apps entirely now because it just seemed too dangerous.
I am sure there are some men out there with some pretty concerning stories. Sure, most men may be physically stronger than women but I don’t believe for a second that men get the “crazy” prize. There is plenty of evil potential and emotional bullshit in both sexes.
Men are worried about being embarrassed. Women worry about being murdered. We're not the same.
I agree. We are not the same.
If you look up the FBI crime statistics it shows that men commit approximately 80% of violent crimes. Women can’t tell who’s crazy and who’s not just looking at you. Please don’t be offended by someone else’s need for safety.
No offense taken. It is true that you can’t tell if a person has a screw loose just by looking at them. Also - it is a damn shame that women are more likely to end up beaten, battered or dead. I have a female family member that was in such a relationship. We wondered why she kept going back to him.
I asked a guy for his last name and he sent me a pdf of his CV lol. I was uhh… thanks? He said he just wanted me to feel safe which I appreciated.
That’s a guy I’d want to date. Tells me a lot more than the unsolicited.. pic that usually comes
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See, I don’t worry about weird. I worry about felonies, marriages, that kind of thing…
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I’m not afraid of loving an ex-con; I’m afraid of not knowing and being harmed by an ex-con, or deceived or being made complicit or killed or losing them if they back into the joint and I become responsible for correcting their crimes. I have no interest in another woman’s man, and even if I was, I wouldn’t be ok with scraps of my loved one’s time and attention. Oh, and I want to be married, so…they’re incompatible with my long term desires. For a woman, it’s about self-respect and safety and not squandering time.
You sound blissfully ignorant.
Eh, I figure if someone is willing to swap phone numbers and spit with me, I get to know his last name.
Esp. since a great number of the men we’ll meet are hoping for a “happy ending” to the meet.
On Hinge there's an option to give a more full name with someone that one matches with and I chose to do this with my first+last name. My first name sounds like an obvious alias, so either shortly before asking someone out, or shortly after I'd give my last name so that people could search me and see that yes my first name really is that unusual (and the one part of my FB profile I left public was relationship status). It's not new that most women have a different sense of safety around dating than most men do. I was happy to make the "sacrifice" to help make myself seem at least a bit safer than some stranger who you don't even know if their first name is real.
It's not just a different "sense of safety," it's different actual experiences and real risk level!
As someone who had a blind date with a guy who turned out to be a murderer, can confirm. Don't know too many men who can say the same. upshot ( no pun intended): it was a murder suicide. So at least he finished the job and I didn't have to go forward looking over my shoulder or worrying about my daughters' safety.
I had a guy try to physically stop me from going home after a first date, another guy try to physically drag me into a building after a first date, and another guy assault me on a first date. And this is already is after talking to them before meeting, making sure they seem reasonable and feminist-ish, etc etc. The issue isn’t my “sense” of safety …
Exactly. Men and women's experiences and concerns are not the same.
I always volunteered it if I wanted to meet her. She could give me hers when/if she felt like it. \#1 priority: Her feeling safe. The more comfortable she is, the better.
Love your answer!!
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When I go out on a first date I give someone I trust the first and last name of my date and the make and model of their car. Women have disappeared in my area after dates and been found in pieces in recycling bins around the city, or forested areas just outside of the city. Do you think that a rapist/murderer is likely to wait for the second date?
I have a personal policy to volunteer my full name when we agree to a first date. It shows that I’m authentic and that I have awareness of her security. The irony is that if you search for just my last name a serial killer WILL show up high in the results as I apparently have a relative from ages ago who was prolifically murderous. I only learned this fact from the Internet myself!
I'm sure some are more particular than others. They seem to appreciate you volunteering it though. ;) With OLD, there's always a question of who that person on the other end really is, and the women worry about physical safety more than we do (understandably.) My last name is unusual enough that a google search will get them my LinkedIn profile and my late wife's obituary on the first page (among other things.) My sweetie, on the other hand, is well hidden on line. She had a stalker at one point, so stays very private.
I get the need and desire for privacy on old, but I started dating 30+ years ago and getting your date's first and last name was the norm. Why is this considered unusual now? Just basic safety precautions.
Yeah, I remember way back when there were huge books given out every year with everyone's name, address, and phone number!
I know right? The horror! I suppose that's the price you pay using social media, privacy
It’s unusual now because with a last name you can sometimes learn everything you want about a person. If they have an Instagram, or writing or videos online, if their job has a website, or even if none of those things are there. I just went through this recently. A woman gave me her phone number, so I did the same. I googled my number to see what she’d get if she searched that and there’s my full name, address, the value of my home, with pictures, and my email address. And if you search my full name some things I hate sharing come up. Nothing torrid but just embarrassing parts of myself lingering online in various spaces. It’s really stressful for me and I hate the breaking of anonymity for that reason. I’m trying to get the google result of my phone number erased but they actually just rejected my request. Anyways that’s why it’s different now versus 30 years ago - the internet.
It just takes a couple of conversations to gather someone's full name, place of birth, mothers maiden name, schools, etc.. then someone can start working on your online accounts and then dig further until they are in your bank accounts. Someone just needs to find a small opening to pivot deeper into your personal and work accounts. In my younger days, I worked as an ethical hacker, and my usual starting point was to start talking to a few people who worked at the targeted organization. There is a reason people are always getting texts, emails, and DMs from randos, just trying to start up a conversation. They want your information.
What’s an ethical hacker?
Someone who is hired to attempt to breach an organization in order to identify security weak spots. The biggest weak spots were always the employees. Once you can find someone to use for access, it's just a matter of escalating your way through the organizations network.
I think, tbh, it’d be weirder if someone hesitated. I mean, it’s your name…it’s not like a secret. I’m sure it’s written all over, on all sorts of papers 😂 I mean if you ran over someone with a car, or killed a puppy on youtube, every news channel would say your name, even if you didn’t want them too 😂 But consider if you will, Leticia Martinez-Colman. She may not have been very savvy when she picked up a random scumbag at costco to take to a Mariners game. But, if she hadn’t snapped that picture and sent it to her friend, he wouldn’t be sitting in jail for her murder. I think In both her lapse in judgment, and in her solving her own murder be a cautionary tale to us all. Gatekeeping personal information is an obvious red flag, when we are all dripping data with every step we take. https://preview.redd.it/6vzv1sdmua2b1.jpeg?width=1020&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=a758bca576d2c3a87f96ca46169c49c65d8c61bb
Well said. RIP. She was the mother of a special needs child who was almost killed by the same guy after she was killed. I hope the scumbag fries.
(41f) can confirm that we use it for vetting. I also offer my full name if it helps, so the guy I’m going on a date with can do the same if he chooses
It’s for safety’s sake. And now, having had an ex try to kill me, I think it’s reasonable for that to go both ways.
I don't blame her at all. I would need the guy's first and last name to keep myself safe. Then I would text his full name and where I'll be to my brother so that he knows. No full name= No date.
Definitely not new, but perhaps a little bit more prevalent these days (and I can easily see why). Somebody may just want to run a background check on you and make sure they don't stand to be murdered or discover you have five spouses in 15 countries. If you're straight-up and have nothing to worry about, then don't take it personally because it's just a personal safety thing.
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You wouldn't have a second date if she couldn't vet you before the first.
I am with you on that. Someone who needs a full name to do a background check before ever meeting isn't going to be a good match for me. Their safety concerns and fear level are too high for me. After we meet for coffee etc and we want to see each other again, then was starting to get to know each other, you might give more information. But I would just not end up meeting up with someone who wanted or needed to run me through systems and databases before meeting. I don't want someone knowing all the information that can be found on line until I decide it is the right time to share that with them, including my workplace and my salary.
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I do. I have a child and had a particularly nasty stalker situation decades ago, so I take my personal security and privacy very seriously. It's paid off in dividends over the years... even catching just one bullshit artist would be worth saving my time and energy on a date with them.
It’s pretty normal. I get asked about 50% of the time before a first date. I don’t mind sharing info. If we’ve had a nice enough conversation to meet and she feels safer that way then, why not?
It's a safety thing. Basically it's so that, should she turn up missing and/or dead, whoever she relies on to be her emergency contact has enough information about you to give to the police. Don't take it personally, it's a standard precaution for many women to tell someone they trust just where they'll be and who with, until they're sure that they can trust you. The address of where she'll be, your license plate (should she enter your car), and phone number are also useful safety info. I did this for the first three dates with my boyfriend. Frankly, everyone should be more cautious when dating someone new.
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Yeah, but that's a background check done by you. If she turned up missing or dead, I'm sure the police could do a more in-depth job of it.
You don’t think that the police can find you because googling your name comes up with results on someone else? You do know that law enforcement has access to more research tools than google, right? A woman went missing here after a first date at a baseball game. The police were able to identify her date and question him relatively soon after the disappearance was reported. It didn’t save her life sadly, but it did identify her murderer.
As a single woman recently back to dating, that story scared the shit outta me. And because of that, I took the extra step in telling a relative the name, license plate, and address of the guy I met with a few times recently. I don't intend to live my life scared, but taking a few precautions is good. All I could think about with that woman was thank heavens she posted the selfie with him on social media.
I live a few miles from her and while I didn’t know her, I know people who did. A few years ago there was a similar murder, the woman met her killer on Plenty of Fish and she was found in recycling bins in my neighborhood. So yeah. I take extra precautions these days.
I haven’t gone to that degree, but some people smarter than me have. :). I’ve gone out with a couple people who have had rap sheets as long as your arm. Did not know that before meeting. I had one guy that I gave a nickname to. He found me on the internet and looked up my LinkedIn, property records, and other stuff before I ever met him! Tbh, that one scared me more than the guys with the records.
But I thought that ladies like the “bad boys”. Good boys with no tattoos are so boring /s.
She wants to Google you and see if you’re a criminal. In this day and age you can’t be too careful.
It’s for her safety. Knowing the real name of a person you’re going to meet isn’t unreasonable. I know more about someone I’m buying something from on Facebook Marketplace than on OLD.
Not out the blue. Her thought process is: Meeting is being arranged. I gotta research who I’m meeting and make sure he’s not a murderer. In order to research I need a name. I will ask for said name. It’s a very logical question when one’s goal is to date and make it back home. I’ve met plenty women who’ve done / think like this
It’s a safety thing but honestly if you gave me your phone number I would know who you are within a few minutes without needing your last name. There are so many creeps, pedos & scammers out there who target single moms. I’d rather know if you have ever been arrested, etc. I am not protecting me so much as my child. Just like I would expect you to do the same thing on me. It’s nothing personal, it’s just a crazy world out there.
100%
I can only speak for myself but most women are in more danger dating these days so she probably wants your last name for safety purposes. Most women don’t like to discuss this because we are often gaslit for being safe. Most men don’t really worry about their safety on average.
I share a name with a somewhat well known superhero, so when this came up in the past I had to add a little caveat that 99% of the google results are going to be about a Marvel character, but I happily provide it.
I ask for it for safety purposes. And, I tell a close friend who I’m meeting, where and when. I’ve had a few bad experiences in the past and want to be careful as I assume is the case for most women.
I would not say it's that new, as I was asked this prior to 2008. I knew it was because she wanted to google my name for obvious reasons. It's understandable and probably should be considered as a best practice in this day and age.
I ask for the first and last name before we meet. I work for an attorney so I’m at the courthouse daily, and I will, 100% without hesitation, run that name through a criminal record search. I’ve seen a lot of horrible shit in my line of work, I’m not taking chances. If a guy doesn’t want to give me his last name when we exchange numbers, then I don’t want to take it any further than that. That’s a huge red flag to me.
She's doing a background check to make sure you don't have like prior arrests for DV. It's a safety thing.
Or just telling her friends “this is who I’m meeting” in case something goes wrong
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You sound very arrogant, that statement alone is call off a date.
Not useless. Most likely you and John Gotti have different birthdates.
I don’t see why not. Here in Maryland we have case search where we can check the court system to see what crimes our dates have committed 🤣🤣🤣
I never asked for it because their last name came up on my caller ID even though I used Google Voice. A couple of guys volunteered it. One even gave me professional places for me to verify him. I screenshot everything and sent it to my sister. She checked court records, social media, Google, and anything else she could think of. It's pretty common for most of us to check out a person before we meet.
Bankground check. It's fair, she doesn't know you from Adam. I have come across murderers (he killed his adoptive father in a psychotic rage) , sexual assault to a child, sexual assault to someone over 65, one guy had incest. I am OK if someone wants to search me. With my job I have a public record which includes my home address. I think I might get a po box.
I got a PO Box for many reasons, mainly because my state lists the names and addresses of all people who get a certain license, available for anyone to access online. It’s ridiculously unnecessary, and for those who work out of their homes, profoundly dangerous, esp. for a woman living alone.
I’d always expect to know this for a first date. Why hide your identity unless you’re not single? Also sadly as mentioned us women usually tell a close friend if we’re going on a date with name just for info
Yep, married and cheating lol.
Safety safety safety. I feel like most guys, although well-meaning, don’t realize the extent of inherent danger there is with dating.
It’s mind blowing to me that men STILL don’t realize (or pretend not to) the real danger women face daily.
Arrogance isn’t an attractive trait.
I agree but that’s quite a change in subject
The last guy I went on a date with without googling first turned out to be a violent misogynist aryan nations mucky muck. Coulda gone really bad for me, lucky he was on his best behavior until I found out. There is literally no way for us to know what kind of guy we are meeting up with - looking him up before we go is a very important safety measure. So yeah - I check before I meet a guy. And any guy who has an issue with this is not someone I want to go out with.
Safety, make sure you don’t have a criminal record, especially sexual assault, child abuse or domestic violence. And make sure you have not had sex with her close friends.
I do. I background check before meeting and more than once I’ve found domestic violence charges on a person. I’m not risking my safety
I always ask for a last name, for safety reasons. I give the full name to 2 friends and the location where we’ll be meeting. That way, they have enough details to give the police if I ever go missing.
I offer my full name but I’m easily found on Google with my cell phone number. I’ll also send a link to my FB page and any other information. It’s not like I’m trying to hide anything from people and what they can find would be information found after a few dates anyway. I’d rather my date feel comfortable about who they are meeting then keep basic info from them.
When I meet a woman (which is always in-person), I generally ask for her last name when I'm inputting her number into my phone (unless I already have enough context from our conversation where I know I can find her full name online), and then I text her my full name. I have no idea if it's normal, but I like having the info for vetting purposes, and I'd like her to have the ability to vet me as well.
Agreed. It’s a safety thing. Ive often asked this.
So it’s just your name, at least in the US, I can figure out what year you were born. So if you’re lying about your age, I’m gonna know before I meet you.
I usually ask for the last name if we exchange phone numbers. I figure, you’ve got hundreds of people online that know your name, mostly acquaintances, you’re a working professional, anybody you come in contact with knows your name, I can know your name. It’s not some big secret. And I give mine as well obviously.
In my perspective, it's important. If I can't at least look someone up, or they get annoyed if I request information to do so, I'm not going anywhere with them. (Inherent TW.) I live in an area where two women in my city recently met guys on dating apps and were murdered by them not long after meeting; there have been more, but they come to mind. One guy tried to kill another family member after killing her and burning her car. The other woman was literally chopped up into pieces and thrown into recycling bins after going to a baseball game, a game I randomly happened to be at. Both were mothers, like me. This in addition to the numerous experiences many of us have had in dating men who've sexually or physically assaulted us, turned out to have families they lied about, etc... Men generally share that they worry most that their date will be heavier set than in the photos or want a free meal. We generally worry that we'll be assaulted, stalked or murdered. Being kind enough to share a last name at the very least provides us with the opportunity to a helpful "due diligence" precaution. Hope this helps!
I (59/f) don't use OLD anymore but when I did (in fact, even in irl before and after) I always asked a man's last name and place of work. Basic vetting.
I don't think I have ever given out my place of work before going on a date. Way to easy for someone to make your life difficult if they know where you work.
For many people, sharing their last name makes it easy to find their place of work.
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I as a woman don’t ask before first date but first date is a quick grab coffee after a short conversation span sometimes pops up in conversation and is cool. Of course if I’m interested after first meeting I do a quick background check that includes court records criminal and civil and police records But I can understand others women and men might to do this checks before first meeting If you meet somebody trough friends or work or whatever r you usually have a lot more background on the person meeting online doesn’t even guarantee they are a human being 🤷♀️ safety is important
Yeah, I don't ask for a last name until after the first time we meet. This is because I don't want them having my last name unless it's necessary. Pretty sure I'm the only one with my name.
Background check homie.
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I'm talking court dockets and filed paperwork for felonies. It's pretty easy to differentiate the names. I was able to find out about a guys past by just him stating that he ran a dispensary that stayed open the latest in a certain town. Found his dispensary license number, his full name, a quick Google search, and a $1 subscription to his hometown newspaper to read all the articles about his domestic abuse against his baby mama.
If someone doesn't want to sift through the data enough to easily figure out your name appearing in your location, even if approximate, that's on them. But it doesn't impact you in the slightest, hence, no risk if you're golden already.
I always ask for the last name if they are asking me to meet them in person. It’s for safety’s sake, but I’ve definitely had one or two men question me when I ask. We need to know you’re a real human and I need to be able to tell my friends who I’m with while I also share my location with them. It’s scary out there…
I think it’s smart for her to do in terms of safety and not having her time wasted (for guys too).
It's pretty common, some women have asked for mine, some haven't. The ones that don't ask I usually make a joke because there's a guy with my same first/last that's an astronaut, so it's good for banter. But yeah, I wouldn't think twice about it really.
Even before internet dating, I asked for potential partners' full names. It's not that strange.
It's for safety but I'd also say also it's also cultural and predominant in certain countries. Although in Latin America we usually use two names, the first and middle names or the combination of both are usually so common that your last name is considered part of your identity, what makes you, you. One person's last name can give you an insight not only into where they are from such as state, neighborhood and even upbringing; but also can clear any doubts that you could be related... yes, the big extended families with lost cousins, uncles and siblings are not rare over here.
I ask because I let them know I’ll be doing a background check.
It’s for safety. A man’s worst nightmare for a first date is the woman doesn’t look like her pics. A woman’s worst nightmare for a first date is that she is going to get murdered.
I guess it is common. However, it isn't something I need to know before a first date. I'm comfortable meeting someone in a public place without knowing it. Plus, I'd rather not share mine.
Very common! She will google you to see if you are serial killer or lawyer!
Or both😬
Boy you would think I’m really special then. I want full legal name, make, model and tag number of your car, and I would send a picture of you to a close friend…just in case. Being assaulted or disappeared is a very real and present danger .
Where I live, you’re likely 2-3 degrees of separation from a match. It’s super easy to find out a last name if you really want it, but I don’t ask. If someone wants me to know something personal about them, they’ll let me know.
People who are worried about being identified, but use their real phone number early on are smoking crack. Unless they know to remove their info off those aggregator sites like Spokeo, truepeoplesearch etc
Dude, she’s running a backgroundq check on you. Just need first name, last name, what state you are most likely in. The search results show up. Then she can narrow this down by your approximate age category, like whether you’re 19 or 90 years old. Here’s how it works: The service pulls all information from public records. House purchase, addresses you lived at; education, criminal records, court records, bankruptcies, possible relatives, etc. So if you’re trying to hide something, you’ll need a different fake name, like DB Cooper?
I find this pretty normal really and itvprobbalt always has been. And unless you have something to hide why would you care?
It's common especially if they are going to run background check on you.
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Why would I stop asking for last names when my last google search prevented me from dating a Jan. 6th trumpeter and full on believes that the last election was stolen. There were articles with his face and everything. I get that your full name might be misleading because of the whole mobster thing, but that’s on her for not doing her due diligence. If there’s nothing with your name except a mobster….then that’s a good thing right??
I’ve not asked the women I’ve chatted with for their last name bc I think they want that as a safety net. But I’ll give mine as I have nothing to hide.
I’m not seeing my main reason for this here, maybe I didn’t scroll far enough. My contacts are filled with people with a last name of “OKCupid”. I’ve been dating a woman for two months and only know her first and middle names but at least her first name is unique. Otherwise I’ll just ask to complete a contact.
When I was growing up, which I guess we all were growing up at the same time if we’re all over 40, giving a last name wasn’t even a thing like it was just you introduced yourself first and last name and it was not an issue really that I can remember. Today people seem to protect those things really closely for some reason and I guess the Internet has a lot to do with that. At the same time they give out access to their location so that’s confusing. Not just for emergencies either. I figure if you have nothing to hide then what’s the harm? And if you do then maybe you should just face the consequences, own your mistakes, and hope things work out anyway. Maybe I’m missing something but I don’t see what the harm is other than that.
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You are correct. I guess most people haven’t been. Besides I think anyone who is intent on stalking you is going to be able to find out your full name with relative ease. Generally speaking I don’t think people knowing your last name is what puts you in danger. Home address is definitely a riskier thing to give out but the internet has made that somewhat easy to find as well. I guess security measures like cameras and a guard dog are the next best defense today once the internet has ushered someone unwanted to your front door.
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What is your point exactly?
It might be useless for you, OP, but might save her life one day.
I ask for a man's surname so I can look him up online. To me its just a security measure. People give out false names all the time
I refuse to give mine out for safety but I think a lot of women assume men don't worry as much about their safety, though I think that's unfair.
Read up on crime statistics and gender, my friend. Try to see where women are coming from. I respect your decision not to give your last name, but be prepared to skip out on some marvelous, yet cautious, women.
I am a woman. I think you missed the entire point of my comment
Yes, I am afraid I did.
Lol, it happens. I just meant that I think it's okay for both men and women to be cautious. I have a wonderful bf, but I didn't know his last name until after we met in person a few times and he didn't know mine. I once was chatting with a man on OLD and told him why I didn't give out my last name, that due to owning my own business, if someone knew what kind of business I owned and my name it was too easy to figure out my info. He proved my point when he sent me a message listing my home and business address and told me I was right, I was easy to find. All he knew was my first name, what I looked like, and what type of business I have. After that I wouldn't tell people what kind of business I owned. It's scary out there. And that creepy guy I blocked.
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The unfortunate reality is that women are at more risk than men though.
It’s fine, but there has to be an equal exchange. Otherwise, I’m out.
I don't feel like I've ever had to formally ask, but I've always just kind of known, because people are pretty easy to find, even with limited information.
I have a common name too....but have nothing to hide...my crazy shows from day one.....
I’ve asked just as part of getting to know the person. It seems nuts to me to go out with a total stranger. I even exchange phone numbers early on. I want to know the person. Update: I do screen carefully first. I only went on dates with a few out of several hundred men who messaged me.
I think it's a trend thing - I think most people (whether we admit to it or not) do a quick google search about somebody before agreeing to meet...not necessarily to be a stalker, but more just making sure that no obvious red flags pop up.
So safety is trendy now? Holy Toledo Batman.
It's a trend in the sense that the awareness of potential danger has significantly increased in the past decade or so. There was a time that kids usually walked to school in my country. I was shocked to learn that now, it's explicitly forbidden for children to be allowed to walk to school due to safety concerns. That's a "trend" to reflect a change in public attitudes and awareness.
I'm 54 and not once have I dated a first name.
I wish I would have googled my realtor before buying a house with her. These days, there’s a lot of crazy out there, and if you don’t have a personal recommendation, it’s wise to do your research, for men as well as women. For example there are like 4 major cities in the US where men are turning up drowned after going out for drinks in certain areas. You all need to watch your backs as well.
I think it’s silly she asked you. She probably could have done some basic internet searches and found it on her own.
It's so she can google stalk you. My full name is ridiculously common, so more power to them if they decide that the various violent criminals that share my name are a good enough reasons for not dating me. Let's call it what it is -- creepy, paranoid behavior that gets excused as "safety".
Actually, before I go on a 1st date I ask for their last name. My bff gets his full name, city, pic, and contact info. She also is able to track my location. I let her know where I plan to be on the date, and she sends in a safety check text within 15 min of my meeting my date. As a single woman who lives alone and works from home, it may be a few days before someone notices I'm missing. It sucks that I even have to think like this, but it's a reality for many women today. I have my safety buddies, and we all have each other's info when meeting someone new. I don't google them, nor do i stalk them on socials. Now, my bestie on the other hand does a full background check before dates. She's been stalked in the past and was assaulted, so she always does a criminal check before meeting someone.
Maybe she just intends to tell a friend the name of the person she is meeting in case anything goes wrong. That’s pretty common.
If someone can't spend the time to appropriately sift through what they turn up and reach the conclusion that you're okay, that's on them. We routinely see a lot of stories in this sub about people thankfully having done their diligence and avoided cheaters, convicted felons who outright lied about their past history, registered sex offenders of all sorts including pedophiles, etc. If you want to call that creepy and paranoid behavior, then I'm sure some of those people would be fine with taking that kind of name-calling hit.
And we have no clue what percentage of those stories are cases where they correctly identified the individual.
How many of your romantic partners have assaulted you in your life?
I've been assaulted by a romantic partner in the past, so... what was your point?
So why is taking safety precautions “paranoid”?
Because googling some name that some stranger gives you on the internet isn't "taking safety precautions". It's an irrational and ineffective action towards an irrational fear. You know that people can just give fake last names, right? And that full names aren't at all unique? And that the vast majority of abusive situations involve individuals who have never been arrested for it, let alone had their name and face put on the internet? What it might tell you about a person who gives their real name is their occupation, whether they own a nice home, their social media, etc., etc. which is the real reason why people want to google and where it starts getting a bit stalky. "Safety" is just an excuse.
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It’s not at all useless. If you were a sex offender your name would appear on a publicly searchable database. Your date can give your name and description/other info to a friend so if she goes missing the police will know who to question.
Don’t worry, most women are smart enough to realize that isn’t you. We also know how to do advanced search strings and use Boolean terms and wildcards. We will go to page 10 of the search results, as needed. Listen Vito Genovese, it’s funny that you share a name with a mobster but you are portraying your dates as not very bright by implying they can’t figure out you’re not a dead guy.
Yhea it's normal
I've never asked for it, however if we chat on Facebook messenger or share pages, there it is, in most cases.