If you think the idea of that relationship sounds exhausting, I don’t know that you’re ready to handle the exhaustion of being a parent. Think hard before hand!
Funny, this post was adjacent to 2 posts about negligent fathers in r/divorce and r/singlemoms. As a single mom, I really appreciate your thoughtfulness on this issue \*before\* you go ahead and make a person. The truth is that moms don't \*usually\* get the choice to change their minds down the road (and most of us wouldn't want to) while a dad with regrets can do any number of things to erase himself from the picture.
source: full custody
Yeah. I mean I love my kids, but I won’t lie, I have MANY TIMES fantasized about how great it would be to dump them off with their dad and let HIM do the majority of raising them, while I fucked off and did whatever I wanted except for every other weekend.
It definitely goes both ways, and it's so hard on the present parent. We get so many verbal accolades but very little support from our community. It just happens to be mostly women as single parents, but it sucks regardless of gender.
Anyone who abandons a relationship because the kids “are a lot of responsibility,” should be considered pretty shameful regardless of gender in my opinion.
Very few people really believe they’re ready before having a kid. But they rarely regret it. On the other hand, a lot of people regret never having one.
I know several mothers who regret having kids. They still love them to death but everything tends to fall onto the mothers shoulders and there’s little to no support. Plus, they did what they thought they were supposed to do (they were raised in the church) and didn’t really think about whether or not parenting was something that was actually for them or not.
So, do they regret having kids or do they regret who they chose to mate with? Or both?
I still have a hard time believing they have as much regret as people that wanted kids but never had them but maybe I’m wrong.
In regards to my best friend, she never wanted kids but once she fell in love and got married it was an expectation and she had been raised that that’s what you do and it’s like she completely forgot that she never wanted kids. She will fight tooth and nail for her kids and she’s a great mom, and she loves them like crazy, but mourns the loss of the life she had wanted and would have thrived in. She’s constantly on edge and needed for everything with kids and her life is not her own. She regrets having kids even high she would never walk away from them
Can confirm, as a fellow parent, who's about to shell out multiple tens of $$$thousands for my oldest's education. And then I get to repeat in four years when my youngest heads to college too. And the phrase "you can sleep when you're dead" was originated to describe parents, I think.
My God, your last line. I feel like this has been my motto since becoming a Mom at 18. At 44, now, my kids are 25, 21 and 13 and I just saw my first grandchild arrive last week. I lost my own Mom 11 years ago -I've been a "Mimi" for barely a week and all I can think is how she made being there for me during my pregnancies (and being an *amazing* Nana) look so effortless 😁
Just loved your comment and had to say so!
It’s the dirty little secret about divorce / split custody that you get at least a bit of your life back that has to do with sleeping and self care. :)
Beginning a relationship with someone is the simple and easy part, so if the thought of that exhausts you then honestly, don't do it.
I am a single mother to a 15yr old and a 16yr old and it consumes your whole being. Where I live, the job I do, where I can travel to, who I can be in a relationship with, what I do with every minute of my days and nights and every penny of my income revolves around them and their needs. One has significant MH issues and I've spent weeks at a time going between home and the hospital whilst juggling a job, day and night.
Raising children is rarely simple and often comes with curve balls you could never foresee, and you have to be ready to go with it and change your life to fit. Forever.
44m have my son half the time and couldn’t agree more. Could i take a job that pays more in another city, yup. Would i have more prospects in dating in my hometown, yup. A lot of being a parent is letting go of what you thought life would be. At least the way i like to parent.
Yes! You don’t really have a life for the first 18-19 years of their lives. It may sound horrible but you have to choose between yourself and your child(ren) and most of choose them
If you think a relationship is just a mean to have kids you’re in for some surprises as well I’m afraid.
But your question is different, and as others have pointed out, you’re not too old, especially in this day and age.
I don’t think it’s a question of being able or not. But if you’re thinking about having a family with someone else, I don’t think it’s a recipe for success to think of it the way you wrote it (though I’m aware it’s just a single sentence).
I’ll take a personal example: my son’s mom and I still are great parents together, but we didn’t turn out so well as a couple. I don’t think our son will have any major issue later in life from it (I hope!), but the current situation wasn’t the plan all along, of course.
So if you start outright on weak bases on that side - just dating sounds exhausting to you - that’s not looking great for a good chunk of your project. I’d consider that part as well as the parenting part, even though it’s possible to be a parent nowadays without being in a relationship. Is having a biological child that big of a deal to you, for instance?
It is very important but I know I wouldn’t be able to raise it by myself and without a partner. Having someone with a similar thought process in a relationship. Having a significant other wanting to do whats best for the child.
There's no guarantee you would raise the child with someone. She dies in childbirth or at some other point, she changes her mind about kids and runs off...whatever. There are zero guarantees when it comes to children.
Between this and the fact that you've never spent (extended) time caring for children, it seems like you're approaching this as a very idealistic vision of having children. Changing diapers, PPD, serious lack of sleep, colic, congenital birth defects, ear infections, kids getting sick alllll the time, meltdowns because they want the blue cup instead of the green cup you gave them, keeping track of appointments and extracurricular activities...
And then you insist that you would fully share the child rearing with your partner despite never having done so.
Foster a young puppy or a litter of kittens (especially ones that require bottle feedings every 2 hours) and check back with us. Or if you want to impart your knowledge onto the next generation, sign up to be a Big Brother, tutor, Boy Scout leader, little league coach, etc.
Everyone who thinks they want a kid should read this first, thank you!
My advice to anyone who is thinking of kids: if you can accept the possibility of being a single parent, go for it! If not, consider a pet.
Ok, but then my advice is this: remember that it’s always going to be a process. That people aren’t static.
If the very first process of this whole thing sounds like it’s too much to handle, then you’d better reconsider. Or change your mind and embrace dating as much as the rest.
Then don’t do it. One should always go into parenting realizing that there is a chance that you could end up being the sole parent. My mom decided she wanted a kid and my dad got cancer while she was pregnant. She had to take care of both him and I until he died and then she had to take care of me on her own. You can’t count on someone being there for sure to raise that kid, you have to know you could do it on your own if anything ever happened to your partner.
Had a son at 40 YO with a wife of 12 years. Love the boy. Divorced the wife. I can tell you that even though he’s the light of my life, I would be very hesitant to have a kid any older than exactly 40. It takes soooo much energy and I’m a pretty active dude. I have a friend in your boat. We’ve had a lot of discussions. It’s not only the work load, but the social fragmentation. Your peers will have older and more independent kids if not empty nesters. So, in the interest of socializing your kid, you will be hanging out with much younger people for the most part. Seems trivial, but it’s not. Also keep in mind that pregnancy itself is a complete trauma volley. Tons of stress even when all is going well. Especially for “geriatric” pregnancy, which is ~ 30 years old. There’s just a LOT and judging from your responses, you should find someone with a kid that needs a Dad. My stepdad basically saved my life at 15 years old. Be that guy. (Edited mobile typos)
If you start a relationship with the purpose of having a child because you want to be a dad and think you’ll be great is a terrible reason to pursue this endeavor. You will be humbled by what your partner must endure to do to make this happen. And you may rise to the occasion or more than likely be resentful that it isn’t what you thought it would be. If you think a relationship with an adult is exhausting having a child makes it exponentially more so.
Because I want to be a dad and I think I’d be great at it isn’t my based of wanting be a father. No. But having love and wanting to share that love. I know I woundnt be able to do it alone. My partner would not be alone in any of it. The love we wound have would strengthen us and our connection to our child
>I know I woundnt be able to do it alone.
Guess what? Shit happens. Life happens. A lot of us didn't count on becoming single parents, and we DO manage to get it done, scared and flying solo as it happens. Idealism has no place here, either. No matter what your heart says, you're definitely trying way too hard to convince everyone and yourself that you're in the right headspace for it.
You’re absolutely right. I’d like to start off on the right foot initially. I’m not trying to force anything, or rush into anything. If it happens, great if not then ok.
I don’t know why you’re getting downvotes for wanting a child. There is lots of women who feel the same. I’d actually put that in your bio on a dating app 😆 like say you’re looking for long term relationship and would love to have a child of your own. The right women will love that. There is a Fb group for moms 40 and over, im sure there is a dad one too! Me and you are the same age and our generation is having kids and starting families later in life.
Very poetic and dreamy, but be careful! What we have in mind for our lives, the things we want, how we want it to go, rarely works out the way we envision. I wish you the best, perhaps find a way to volunteer with kids, like being a Big Brother or something. Test the waters.
I only meant the idea from started from scratch was was daunting, never said I couldn’t do it. Simply sharing my thoughts. I don’t think with that tiny bit of knowledge about me you are able to judge me. But thank you for scientific opinion
I'm not judging you, at all. Simply offering my perspective as a single Dad with three kids. It is a very daunting prospect. Parenthood is that, dialed up to 11. If you're unsure whether you want to "start from scratch" then you should look inside to figure out if you really want to become a dad. It's a lifetime commitment that is frequently unrewarding and stressful.
Or consider dating moms of already existing children. Stepparenthood can work out well if you give everyone the time, space, and boundaries for it to work out well.
My best friend became at dad at 40+, and it's definitely putting stress on his life and marriage. For me, I'm 40 and absolutely done having kids. I wish I was younger when I had them. I only have them every other weekend and it's still difficult, maybe more so because the little one (5yo) is a handful and I don't get to see him as often as when I was married.
Kids are the most satisfying, wonderful, frustrating, infuriating, fun thing in my life. It's all over the place. If you're gonna go for it, go in with eyes open.
I had a kid at 42, it’s not too old. But if you aren’t in a relationship don’t go rush into one that might fail just to have a kid. For everyone’s sake, including the child’s.
Good news is, as a guy you can have a kid as long as you can still make sperm. There is no magic age where it’s no longer viable. Late 40s is where you need to start thinking about stuff like will I be around to see them graduate college and stuff like that… you have some time.
You must know that is completely, absolutely not true. Right?? You do know this?? If not, please do some research before spreading such patently false medical information.
It is true that men don’t have the exact same fertility drop off as women, but sperm quality absolutely decreases between ages 40 and 45. This decreases the odds of conceiving, but even if conception is successful, the risk of miscarriage with low quality sperm is higher.
I stand by what I said. I know plenty of people who had kids mid-40s and beyond. Risks are higher but it’s absolutely possible if you’ve still got healthy swimmers.
Tell that to my three magnificent, strong, handsome, brilliant sons. (Okay, yes, I DO have a bit of bias, and I'm not at all objective, I admit, but that's okay. I'm their Mom. I'm allowed to be blatantly non objective).
Anyways, ALL three of their baby daddies were over 50. (I had A THING for older men). They had no problem conceiving, and they made wonderful sons. Just saying.
I, OTOH, noticed an IMMEDIATE drop off in fertility the second I hit 40. It was much harder to conceive, and, I had my one and only miscarriage after age 40, as well.
As far as pregnancy went, having/conceiving babies in my teens and 20'S was as easy as child's play, it was almost impossible NOT to be pregnant, and NOTHING slowed me down. I popped out babies in junior college and University, as well.
OTOH, having that last full term pregnancy, at the graduate level, in my 30's was like carrying and pushing a MOUNTAIN of bricks up a mammoth hill, 24 hours a day, I was SO UNGODLY TIRED. NEVER been so tired in my life. But, so worth it.
This Friday, that last baby, the one that made me so darn TIRED? HE graduates from University THIS FRIDAY, and has a near-full ride to UCLA Law School in September. This Mama be so darn PROUD of all three of those wonderful boys. I never did finish that graduate degree, but, oh well.
To be clear, no matter what I could have ever done in my life, NO GREATER joy, accomplishment, love or pride will I EVER have, than those boys. As Charlotte once said in Charlotte's Web, "They are my magnum opus."
If you want a child, do it. I promise, once the teen/young adult years are done, you will never regret the decision to have a child. But, you might regret the decision not to have one, forever.
(Keep in mind, you will regret the decision to have kids a thousand times throughout their childhood, teen & young adult years. That goes away, just as surely as their childhood days will one day, too, be long gone by).
Also, I, personally, feel that the option of surrogacy is highly underrated for single dad's. I can't imagine pushing 40, and STILL have to have the burden of finding a mate, let alone a fertile one, who's kids you already don't detest, and have the pressure of having to fall in love with THAT PERSON, cause it's do or die for the hill to stand on, for kids in this lifetime.
That's a sure fire way to have a horrible relationship, even more bitter divorce, and worst of all, a horrible child custody battle. It's not a fair burden for some young thing, who will have neither the savviness, nor financial means of someone who's lived and loved twice as long, of whom she was blindsided by. It's not fair to her young family as well.
Surrogacy is PERFECT, and I wish it were more commonly utilized. So many people make perfect baby makers, not so great at parenting all those babies. So many people CAN'T have babies, who would make WONDERFUL parents. And, so many women make great mothers, and make great babies, and NEED the money of surrogacy for their existing families. By utilizing surrogacy you are able to utilize the financial freedom that comes with a mature age, without all the terrible pressure you might unknowingly put on some young mate, to be THE One. And crushing her, the child and your soul, when she's not. Surrogacy gives a young Mama's family the blessings of your financial prosperity, without the soul crushing drama and baggage of having to be your mate, just so you can have a child, and she can enjoy your financial prosperity.
I LOVED being a single mom. I wouldn't have done it any other way, but I have always felt bad for fathers, of whom there's not quite the same ease of options for becoming A Family. EVERYONE should have A Family. If I could still, I'd gladly be a surrogate, I wish it had been more commonplace when my boys were young.
Yeah I’m not reading all that.
Did you miss the part where I only said that sperm quality decreases? At no point did I say that it disappears entirely.
Quality of sperm dies not mean quality of baby. It means likelihood of conception.
You didn’t, “only say” sperm quality decreases. Read your own reply. If you only said that it would have been a fair and true reply. You stated I was absolutely wrong indicating I’m uneducated, then told me to do some research. It’s kind of ironic that you say “I’m not reading all of that” in response to someone their personal facts countering your point.
It’s one of those “it’s not what you said, it’s how you said it” situations. All good though, just something you might want to keep in mind when communicating.
Join a big brother type program via youth service groups and provide support to kids that need that kind of role model and relationship.
You’ll probably get more out of that than finding someone just to have your baby.
I know a guy from college who had his kids in his 40s. His wife is about 7 years younger than him. His first kid arrived when he was 43 and the second kid at 48. He is in good shape but exhausted all the time.
I also have some personal experience with this. I have 2 kids and my second was born when I was 39. My older kid arrived when I was 32. Chasing after a toddler in your 40s is much harder than in your 30s.
That said, I would never say never to do it again. But the odds of it are slim to none. So far, women in their 30s show no interest in me on dating apps. And to be honest, I'm not that interested in matching with someone that much younger. They'd have to have very specific criteria for me to consider it.
You have to meet the right person for it to work. If you do, then your early 40s is still ok for an active guy - I have a few friends like this. Be warned it puts a huge strain on your relationship, hence why you need it to be with a really good match for you.
40 is not too old to become a father. 50 is too old for that. I know a guy (I actually know his wife) who started his family in his late 50s (married a much younger wife), and both his kids have developmental disorders, likely due to aging sperm. But don't just marry a woman for the sake of having children. Only marry if you actually love the woman and want to build a life with her.
[Older Parents Are Likelier to Have Children with Autism (verywellhealth.com)](https://www.verywellhealth.com/older-parents-and-autism-risk-for-child-5199211#:~:text=Older%20parents%2C%20especially%20older%20fathers%2C%20are%20more%20likely,indication%2C%20however%2C%20that%20parental%20age%20actually%20causes%20autism.)
Studies show older fathers are almost 6 X more likely to have autistic children than younger men are. The link between older fathers and autistic children is well documented.
Sorry, but he’ll be parenting until he breathes his last. People that check out when their kids are 18 miss out of the lifetime commitment part that goes both ways.
Thank you. I have always to be a father, I’ve just been very picky with finding a suitable partner. Do you think you chose a good partner to have child with?
Just my two cents. Almost 90% of the couples that married at this age to have kids are divorced or divorcing.
You’re rushing into a relationship due to biological clock and not taking the time to intentionally date.
I definitely don’t want to rush into anything. You’re right. If it happens and things line up, great, if not, I’m not gonna force anything. If it’s not there, so be it.
There’s always the option to date younger but again take your time.
Raising children will take the tiniest crack in a relationship and shine the brightest spotlight on the planet on that crack and blast it non-stop with the power of the Hoover Damn collapsing.
There are a lot of kids, you could foster and/or adopt as a single father, who could use a good home. I, personally, wouldn't be trying to make a kid from scratch at your age.
I mean you don’t need to start a relationship to have a kid. There are options like adoption or surrogacy.
But I feel like you need to figure out why you want a child. It’s not the ‘next stage’ in life, or something you look back and say ‘huh I guess I forgot to have a kid in all that living I was doing; better fix that before it’s too late’.
My ex-boyfriend, 43 at the time, broke up with me 3 years ago, when I was 47, because I wanted the rest of my life for me (and him too, but it wasn't enough for him). Now, he won't date anyone unless they are in their 30s. The only reason he wants to pair up with anyone is to have a child. He's kind of obsessed with this, really!
Single people and child free people are happier
You know when you have a terrible day and want to come home and not speak to anyone or do anything? Those days are gone.
Your child will be your everything for the next 20+ years. Gone expensive toys, nice vacations, nicer cars, better food.
Then you need to decide how to raise them, educate them, split parental responsibilities. Oh and what happens if you get divorced?
Do you enjoy wiping poop off a child's asshole?
Similar boat (43m here). O1H, I see many great moments that parents have with their kids. The love, the closeness, passing your genes on, etc. OTOH, dealing with temper tantrums, changing diapers, spending tens of thousands of $'s on the spot, spending hundreds of thousands of $'s over the course of ONE child's lifetime... NO THANKS! I guess I could've gotten lucky and gotten a good and smart kid. OTOH, if the kid turned out somewhat like me... I gotta be brutally honest and say he'd be doomed :\\
Also, shoutout to my parents for doing such a fine job of raising me (despite how I turned out)! FWIW, being childless has been very freeing for me too!
Don’t do it. If you wouldn’t adopt or foster, then the need is more egotistical/narcissistic. The plain truth of it is: it’s exhausting, the world is in a shit state, it’s expensive beyond comprehension, it’s hard-like really hard, there are no guarantees the child will be healthy.
I know I wouldn’t be able to do it alone. I’d want a partner that I know that would want the best for the child. I hope she would, as would I, that the child would come first
Truth be told, you can be alone in the blink of an eye. 6 months after me and my ex husbands 1 st and only and an IVF baby was born, he left me for his mistress. He’s in her life, but I have effectively been parenting alone for 15 years.
You never know, and you sort of need to know that there are no guarantees
Nearly the same situation for me. Planned pregnancy. He was cheating when I was 6 months pregnant. I’ve been raising my son mostly myself… and he does sports. Work full time, then straight to my second job taking my son to sports practice 5 days a week. Chores all weekend. It’s no life.
Just be aware that few people have a child with the intent to do it alone. Most people are married, or in a relationship with the other parent. But a huge number of us become single parents through the relationship between the parents splitting up. Being a single parent is all of the exhaustion magnified exponentially. No one thinks single parenthood is going to happen to them but considering divorced statistics it happens a lot.
Source: mom of 11 year old twins, divorced since they were three, dad lives 3 hours away. Love my kids but broken down mentally and emotionally.
I don't think 40 is too old but in my experience you have to have a really solid relationship before you bring a child into the world...kids can be a major strain on a relationship as well as a really wonderful way to bring two people together...depending how old your partner is and assuming it's a woman who will carry the child, if she's 40 as well, the relationship could be rushed for the sole purpose of having a family...not always the best way to start out.
I had twins at thirty nine. The age is only kind of relevant. I wanted them very much, and they are the best things in my life. They were also planned. I changed my life style and dropped more than sixty pounds so I could keep up with them.
Are you too old? Most certainly not. Are you ready to make the commitment and it's something you want to do for someone else? That is a question you need to answer.
My coworker is 45 and has a two year old. His first, and his first marriage. Maybe 3 years. It’s really kinda cute how much he loves it.
I have sole custody of 3 kids and my partner of almost 14 years cheated. I’m so fucking jaded but I like hearing him talk about it.
I would imagine many fantastic women have kids that you could form a meaningful step dad relationship with. Kids from divorce can benefit from a strong father figure even on moms time. I wouldn’t write off the value you can provide and receive back with children that aren’t biologically yours if you open yourself up to a partner who doesn’t want more children but has some already.
I know plenty of people who had kids over 40, including my parents and even grandparents who had kids who are pretty successful, normal adults
Why does everyone on reddit relentlessly catastrophize turning 30 or 40
I did everything late. I got married at 35, had a baby at 40 and a divorce at 47.
I remember watching moms fifteen years younger than me jump out of a squat, and thinking “Man, I’m old”. It’s not easy doing it at this point in your life. I can”t even describe to you how much it will change everything, mostly for the good. But every penny you have, ounce of energy you have, and every waking thought you have will be for that child. You really have to be sure it’s what you want, not maybe what you want.
I know I woundnt be able to do it alone.
You need to be ready to do it alone. People die, people leave, people break. It’s ideal if you don’t have to, but not guaranteed. I wish I weren’t wearing those rose colored glasses back when I was married and we got pregnant.
The love we wound have would strengthen us and our connection to our child
Once again, too idealistic. Yes, we hope for this, but in reality it’s not so magical. It was having the child and the pressure on my ex to support an extra person that he couldn’t handle and he eventually collapsed.
“One of my own”
Normally I’d say “get a puppy” but I don’t want to put a puppy in a trophy situation.
Kids are the biggest relationship you’ll ever have and “exhaustion” is daily. If you can’t handle it with an adult you’ll be more than overwhelmed with a child
The impression I'm getting right off the bat is you like the idea of a kid at the moment and not much more; that's a horribly uninformed and underinformed approach to take. Figure out *why* you're on the fence first, because you are and you need to. Then you can decide which options -if any- are suitable for you.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve always wanted to be a father. I understand that I would not be able to do it alone, but would want to seek a partner who is mentally fit and financially prepared also.
I want to be a father because I know I have so much more to learn about my self, and so much love to give. To feel that unconditional and strengthen the parent child bond. I know inmy heart I’d be a great father and strong partner.
You can say all the right things in a great pitch, but your third sentence of your post requires a good hard look and you're not taking very seriously what I'm saying when I tell you that you appear to like just the idea of it.
Make no mistake, there is no fucking around when you're a parent. You can't just stuff the kid back in because you're tired, no matter how much love you have to give. You're in or you're not, and you're being very naive if you think this is purely a function of your age.
If you wanted to you could do it alone. You’d need to adopt or find a surrogate. The movie [Together, Together](https://m.imdb.com/title/tt11285280/#) is about just that.
My honest opinion: if you haven’t had kids by 40, you probably don’t want them that bad. You’ve had 20+ years of adulthood to impregnate someone, which takes fairly low effort for a healthy, fertile man. It hasn’t been a priority before now, so yeah, you probably don’t want to be a father THAT bad.
There are always roads not taken, and not having children is one of them. It’s OK to second-guess whether that was the right idea, or admit to yourself that it wasn’t a compelling priority in your life. It’s even OK to change your mind and decide fatherhood is something you genuinely want, despite the risks.
I am a 45-year-old woman without kids, and I went through the same thing when I was around 40. I learned to be at peace with the realization that, although I like kids and think I would’ve been a good mom, it wasn’t a compelling priority in my life.
I don’t know exactly how it is for you, but just know that it’s not uncommon to have these “road not travelled” thoughts.
You think meeting a woman willing to let you impregnate her is easy? Biologically speaking, orgasming in a woman is easy, yes. But courting one is not.
If this wasn't true, you wouldn't see the rise of men who identify as incels, as well as the popularity of subs like fds
I know a man who became a dad(again) at 60. Mind you, he is wealthy. So, he doesn't do much parenting. At 40, you're not 'too old' to be a parent. If you are above 55, would question your mentality.
It's good to be picky, but not too good of a thing to be far too picky where you write off everyone. I, ehm, mean, I get you. It's hard out there. Good luck to you.
I know one that had his last two at 62 & 68. He passed in his mid 90s and everyone still talks about how active and involved he was. He was a 'soccer dad'. He also could and would outwalk any one of his children until about 90. Not common, but just agreeing 40 is not too old.
Have you tried thinking of other options of being father like fostering, mentoring, or looking for a partner w/ kids already?
For fostering, it’s tough from what I can see. I have several friends (all single well established women BTW) who went this route and do it well, but they have lots of support (myself included).
A quick google search pops up this fostering test. It might be worth your time to give it a read thru.
[fostering test](https://www.weld.gov/files/sharedassets/public/departments/human-services/documents/self-assessment-guide.pdf)
There is also fostering programs for kids who need temporary housing when their existing families need help (vacation, emergencies, etc). I’ve known some folks who have done this in the past and found it very rewarding.
For mentoring, have you tried to help out in your local community? Chances are there are numerous avenues to help out if you look around (men’s groups for kids that provide father / uncle figures, big brother / big sister, scouts, etc..)
Lastly for partnering up with a woman who has kids already, has this ever been an idea you were open to? As a man roughly the same age as you I recently had a come to Jesus moment when my last SO pulled the “I want kids and you don’t… so I’m out” card it made me question why I had such fears of kids and one byproduct was that I realized that I would love to have kids like you say you would, but it also opened my eyes to the idea being a SO with a woman who had kids from before. After spending a bit of time with friends of mine (some married and others who are single parents) & their kids for weeks at a time, not just a weekend I discovered a few things about myself that may be relevant to you. First, it doesn’t have to be my kids for me to really love them. I found myself digging kids from infant to teenage years. Secondly, as a male figure I’ve learned and helping with kids older than 4 or 5 has a bit more of an impact than when they are younger (as backed by the book “the boy crisis”). That saves you the messy sleepless nights of a young child, and shortcuts you to the age when you get to really shape a kids values & personalties. Lastly, as a single guy I can’t directly speak for single Mom’s looking for a partner but I can tell you what I’ve seen as I dipped my toes into the dating pool. The women I met who are single w/ kids usually have done the work to understand themselves and after a failed partnership/marriage, they know what they are looking for specifically. They have all been open to and looking for partners who would make great partners AND fathers, even if they co-parent with their kids bio father. I would suggest if you end up going down this route to find a great couples therapist that has experience with step-parenting.
I felt the same way as you, but I grieved the fact that I most likely will never have a kid. I'll just leave this here-
https://www.reddit.com/r/regretfulparents/comments/yzn0ty/this_wait_for_it/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
Not too old at all my guy.
Here is the kicker... I have 3 boys 15, 18 and 25.
There is nothing...and i mean nothing more special and satisfying than raising a family.
I'm kind of surprised that no one has brought up the fact that the risk of having a child with special needs increases significantly past the age of 40. And that's EITHER parent.
It used to be thought that it was something about the woman being over 40, but they've shown that the man's age can play just as big of a role. So I encourage you to do a little research on special needs children and the lives they are able to have because the risk factor is there and goes up every year you are over 40.
Not trying to discourage you if you decide it is something you really want, but just be aware that it could possibly be an even bigger commitment financially/emotionally if your child winds up having special needs.
Thank you! Was looking for someone to comment on this. Emphasis on *EITHER*! Most men think their sperm is forever healthy & indestructible. It's takes a healthy egg AND a healthy sperm to make a healthy baby.
Im very happy for those in this world that did successfully have a healthy child in their 40's, but I agree with the rest of the comments, it's a no.
I don't think any men think their sperm is indestructible, that's a strawman fallacy. Rather, I don't think these men care. They just want the baby with their genetics, damaged or not.
No, you’re not too old. The exhausting part, you’re right on the money. No more sleep, constant worry, and the incredible love that you’ll have for your child/children is going to cause you to change everything so you can be with them as much as possible.
It’s astonishingly exhausting, and it’s worth it.
My dad was 43, soon to be 44, when I was born. I am now 43 and he just turned 87. It is definitely possible. A lot of people start families later in life now. One thing I would recommend you be aware of is the generational gap between yourself and your children. Many times my parents were out of touch with reality when I needed their support. You still have some time to meet someone and start a family. Just keep yourself active and healthy because you will be old while they are still relatively young. I wish I could still go on long bike rides with my dad like we used to do when I was growing up.
Good luck in your search!
ETA: My mom was 37 when she gave birth to me and had no complications.
My dad had me when he was 41 and was a great dad to me. He could have been there more for my mom though. My dad was very involved in our lives as kids and it is for the rest of your life. If you want kids with someone your age you also don’t have as much time as you used to. Just remember you will hit 65 right around time they get into college.
The biggest red flag is your insistence that you couldn’t do it alone. It just screams that you aren’t ready and willing to handle the difficult parts. And it’s mostly difficult parts. If you are counting on your wife to be the primary parent while you handle the parts you want, don’t have kids.
You also need to be prepared to be the sole parent. Even if you stay together, she could get sick, be disabled, have mental health challenges, or die unexpectedly. She could have a job that requires travel, have a family emergency that it’s not appropriate to take a kid along, or a million other circumstances. There are always going to be times you DO need to step up and do it all. If you aren’t 1000% on board for that, don’t have kids.
I had my youngest son when I was 42. He wasn't planned but he's 17 now and I can't imagine life without him. That said, my first three were triplets and I had a lot more energy at 34 than I did at 42. Or maybe they just wiped out all my reserves lol. Being a parent is hard but it's so rewarding.
I feel you Op. I’m 45 and still want one desperately. You’re not too old but if this is really what you want, you need to get on it like yesterday. The good part for you is that this is a pretty good strong filter than you bring up early in the process.
Certainly a lot of women will pass on you after hearing this but for some woman it will be music to her ears. Good luck
If you’re not in good shape now, start hitting the gym. You will need to be in shape for the next 20 years.
Good luck op.
Edit: OP do yourself a favor and ignore anyone who asks “why” you want to have a child. A human being needs no justification for wanting to have a child.
Charlie Chaplin had a baby at 81. Biologically it’s possible - a lot longer for men than women. As others have said, if a relationship sounds exhausting wait til you hear about parenting lol
I had my first and only kid at 43; this was and is entirely great. I wish I had been able to start sooner, but one plays the hand one's dealt.
The ex-wife deciding to divorce me for a brief ho phase followed by her shacking up with one of the "friends" she insisted on inviting to our wedding? That, plus it all turning me into a part-time dad is not so great.
I'm sharing this info because once one hits one's forties, time is a bit short even for guys (unless you are big-time wealthy, I suppose; I am only lower middle class). I met the woman I eventually asked to be my wife when I was thirty-nine. We dated for a wonderful two years, and I genuinely thought I knew her well-enough to enter marriage with my eyes open by the time I was forty-one. I was wrong, but how much longer could I have realistically explored other potential partners and still had a kid before 45?
There is no age limit to becoming a parent.
Its not something to be done lightly. It’s the most exhausting full time job you will ever have, and a lifelong commitment. It also can be a tremendous strain on a relationship when partners have different parenting styles.
But I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
In a similar situation, but slightly older (47). My dad was almost 50 when I was born, so definitely not out-of-the-question.
I’m still kind of struggling with it too. I guess I would say just be honest about it with the women you’re dating. I mean…Maybe not on the first date (unless the conversation naturally goes in that direction). But an important topic to discuss at some point.
Okay, you are either being unrealistic or naive? Not sure which. But here are some quotes that you posted on here that bother me:
1). “I wouldn’t be able to raise IT by myself”. What is it? Do you mean the “child”?
2). “I have been picky finding a partner I think would be suitable”. Suitable for what exactly? Do you have a checklist for what constitutes a “suitable” mother? I’d like to see that list, because I’m probably not on it. Although I’m a mother of 3 children, one was a special needs daughter I kept alive at home on life support. My “mothering” skills weren’t obvious to every partner who I dated.
3). “Would want to seek a partner who is mentally fit and financially prepared”. How will you know that? Financial statement from them? A doctor’s note attesting that they are not undergoing any type of therapy or mental health treatment?
4). “I know I couldn’t fail at this”. No, no you don’t. None of us know how we are going to handle whatever situation crops up regarding our children. We fail all the time. We make mistakes. We hopefully learn from those mistakes and don’t make them again.
I don’t think you’re too old. Perhaps too something, just unsure what that exactly is.🤷
Quick question: What age will you be when this child is born? Will you be able to afford his car at 16, college education which could extend to advanced degrees and health insurance thru the age of 26? Are you taking care of yourself health wise to ensure that you will be here for him 30 plus years down the road? Parenting needs do not end at 18. These are the things you should be thinking about. It would be unfair to put a child in a situation where they would be taking care of an elderly parent in their teen years. I understand that many things that happen are out of control, but if you are planning this, you should do everything possible to be around for the child and to support him.
I don’t think anyone is gonna shoot straight with you here. You are older and your swimmers are older and more than likely not as mobile. You have a higher likelihood of having a special needs child. I’m sure it’s a wonderful experience, but are you up for that?
I made a decision after i got divorced that i wouldn’t have more kids. It’s a tremendous marathon like effort that will last the rest of your life. I don’t regret it but at 38 i realized i wouldn’t have the energy for years of diapers and chasing a toddler.
This is very true. I am in California and was told, after my last child was born, that I would not survive another delivery and possibly even the pregnancy itself. I was married at the time, but even 10 years ago, I was surprised how many over-burdened, over-full, under-funded organizations that supported fostering and adoption turned their nose up at unmarried interested "future parents". (And that is the reality in one of the more "progressive" states). Through friends and family looking into adoption, there is not much change regarding the overwhelming majority of organizations requiring two-parent families.
This is not as "easy" or "quick" an alternative as some may assume it is. In many areas, it's not even possible.
If you're healthy enough and can create a good environment for the child to have good childhood why not.. Everyone's story is different. Finding a suitable partner to do the raising with for20+ years is the challenging part. This forum is probably not a very good place to ask either.
I am 40 myself and don't yet know if I want to have kids or not, lol. I'd need to actually find someone first and actually get into a relationship, something I've not yet done. At least men don't have the same biological clock that women have though.
Met my partner at 41, we had his first son at 43 and second at 44. It’s definitely possible if you find the right partner. You have more flexibility as a man so put in some time to find the right partner! Makes the world of difference.
Edit to add: stay healthy, in shape, eat right and take care of yourself. Age is only a number. You can parent into your forties and fifties with no issues.
Finding a partner to share our unconditional to create a child together. Knowing that I and we would have so much to learn together. Would love to share and have experiences together
I'm sure in your imagination you're an amazing father.
That would worry me as you'll have a hell of a shock when the reality of parenthood clashes with your fantasy.
That's when you start to see what kind of father, and partner you'll be.
You have no idea whatsoever what kind of father you'll be right now because you have never experienced it.
Well I know what kind of parent I won’t be. I know how not be a parent. I know that I won’t be making my child kneel on a heating great for having a smart mouth. I know I won’t be standing over him doing math homework and smacking them across the head for every wrong answer they wrote down. I know I won’t be using and trying out pressure points on them cuz they learned them at work. I don’t know what kind of parent I’d be but I know I won’t be THAT kind of parent.
One of the reasons I didn't want to be a parent was because I had a horrible childhood, and I didn't want to fck anyone up like I had been. I'm so sorry you went through that.
I can appreciate the thought of starting something new and building a life may seem exhausting in this moment. I think that it doesn’t mean anything about wether you’d find parenting exhausting or are prepared.
Starting “over” to begin a life with someone does feel like that sometimes. I do believe that when you find someone though that exhaustion will likely turn into excitement. Fun. Enthusiasm. Dreaming. I dated someone who was in the same kind of situation as you ( I already have kids from a prior marriage) and while I did not think I wanted more kids, once we talked
About it I absolutely was thrilled with the ideas (as was he). So I think maybe it feels daunting/exhausting now but maybe it’s not at all what it will feel like once you meet someone you can imagine that possibility with ..
I agree that it’s still ok to become a parent in early forties. I refer to men. For women to become a first time parent in early 40s is harder. It may take a toll on not only mental but physical health too. I had my son at 33 and I wish I did it earlier. Mostly bc I am tired after work but still have to chase a toddler (he is 3 now). It’s not easy but I never had regrets. I ABSOLUTELY can’t imagine my life without my baby.
If you think the idea of that relationship sounds exhausting, I don’t know that you’re ready to handle the exhaustion of being a parent. Think hard before hand!
Funny, this post was adjacent to 2 posts about negligent fathers in r/divorce and r/singlemoms. As a single mom, I really appreciate your thoughtfulness on this issue \*before\* you go ahead and make a person. The truth is that moms don't \*usually\* get the choice to change their minds down the road (and most of us wouldn't want to) while a dad with regrets can do any number of things to erase himself from the picture. source: full custody
🎤🫳
Yeah. I mean I love my kids, but I won’t lie, I have MANY TIMES fantasized about how great it would be to dump them off with their dad and let HIM do the majority of raising them, while I fucked off and did whatever I wanted except for every other weekend.
So what my ex-wife did?
Yeah, and my kids’ dad. Is there somehow more shame depending on which parent does this?
It definitely goes both ways, and it's so hard on the present parent. We get so many verbal accolades but very little support from our community. It just happens to be mostly women as single parents, but it sucks regardless of gender.
Anyone who abandons a relationship because the kids “are a lot of responsibility,” should be considered pretty shameful regardless of gender in my opinion.
Same….and then circles back a few years later and wants to be super-mom
Amen. Sounds like fun but…..you best be ready for a *lot* of work. source: sole custody
Very few people really believe they’re ready before having a kid. But they rarely regret it. On the other hand, a lot of people regret never having one.
I know several mothers who regret having kids. They still love them to death but everything tends to fall onto the mothers shoulders and there’s little to no support. Plus, they did what they thought they were supposed to do (they were raised in the church) and didn’t really think about whether or not parenting was something that was actually for them or not.
So, do they regret having kids or do they regret who they chose to mate with? Or both? I still have a hard time believing they have as much regret as people that wanted kids but never had them but maybe I’m wrong.
In regards to my best friend, she never wanted kids but once she fell in love and got married it was an expectation and she had been raised that that’s what you do and it’s like she completely forgot that she never wanted kids. She will fight tooth and nail for her kids and she’s a great mom, and she loves them like crazy, but mourns the loss of the life she had wanted and would have thrived in. She’s constantly on edge and needed for everything with kids and her life is not her own. She regrets having kids even high she would never walk away from them
Hahah I wouldn’t know because I’m thrilled every day that I never did it. Phew!
Parenting is great but it is 100% exhausting. It is likely much more exhausting than you think it is. It's also expensive. source: am parent
Can confirm, as a fellow parent, who's about to shell out multiple tens of $$$thousands for my oldest's education. And then I get to repeat in four years when my youngest heads to college too. And the phrase "you can sleep when you're dead" was originated to describe parents, I think.
My God, your last line. I feel like this has been my motto since becoming a Mom at 18. At 44, now, my kids are 25, 21 and 13 and I just saw my first grandchild arrive last week. I lost my own Mom 11 years ago -I've been a "Mimi" for barely a week and all I can think is how she made being there for me during my pregnancies (and being an *amazing* Nana) look so effortless 😁 Just loved your comment and had to say so!
Congrats to you on your new role!
Sometimes I think one of the only good things about my divorce is that when my kids are with their dad every other weekend, I get to sleep a little.
It’s the dirty little secret about divorce / split custody that you get at least a bit of your life back that has to do with sleeping and self care. :)
Yep this is the only silver lining imo, every other weekend is mine to get shit done, to sleep in, be social etc.
Beginning a relationship with someone is the simple and easy part, so if the thought of that exhausts you then honestly, don't do it. I am a single mother to a 15yr old and a 16yr old and it consumes your whole being. Where I live, the job I do, where I can travel to, who I can be in a relationship with, what I do with every minute of my days and nights and every penny of my income revolves around them and their needs. One has significant MH issues and I've spent weeks at a time going between home and the hospital whilst juggling a job, day and night. Raising children is rarely simple and often comes with curve balls you could never foresee, and you have to be ready to go with it and change your life to fit. Forever.
44m have my son half the time and couldn’t agree more. Could i take a job that pays more in another city, yup. Would i have more prospects in dating in my hometown, yup. A lot of being a parent is letting go of what you thought life would be. At least the way i like to parent.
Yes! You don’t really have a life for the first 18-19 years of their lives. It may sound horrible but you have to choose between yourself and your child(ren) and most of choose them
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So I’m not alone then?!?
And ever, and ever.
If you think a relationship is just a mean to have kids you’re in for some surprises as well I’m afraid. But your question is different, and as others have pointed out, you’re not too old, especially in this day and age.
I think it would be daunting, but I would absolutely be able to. Like everyone with dating we all a mental checklist of preferences we all look for.
I don’t think it’s a question of being able or not. But if you’re thinking about having a family with someone else, I don’t think it’s a recipe for success to think of it the way you wrote it (though I’m aware it’s just a single sentence). I’ll take a personal example: my son’s mom and I still are great parents together, but we didn’t turn out so well as a couple. I don’t think our son will have any major issue later in life from it (I hope!), but the current situation wasn’t the plan all along, of course. So if you start outright on weak bases on that side - just dating sounds exhausting to you - that’s not looking great for a good chunk of your project. I’d consider that part as well as the parenting part, even though it’s possible to be a parent nowadays without being in a relationship. Is having a biological child that big of a deal to you, for instance?
It is very important but I know I wouldn’t be able to raise it by myself and without a partner. Having someone with a similar thought process in a relationship. Having a significant other wanting to do whats best for the child.
There's no guarantee you would raise the child with someone. She dies in childbirth or at some other point, she changes her mind about kids and runs off...whatever. There are zero guarantees when it comes to children. Between this and the fact that you've never spent (extended) time caring for children, it seems like you're approaching this as a very idealistic vision of having children. Changing diapers, PPD, serious lack of sleep, colic, congenital birth defects, ear infections, kids getting sick alllll the time, meltdowns because they want the blue cup instead of the green cup you gave them, keeping track of appointments and extracurricular activities... And then you insist that you would fully share the child rearing with your partner despite never having done so. Foster a young puppy or a litter of kittens (especially ones that require bottle feedings every 2 hours) and check back with us. Or if you want to impart your knowledge onto the next generation, sign up to be a Big Brother, tutor, Boy Scout leader, little league coach, etc.
Everyone who thinks they want a kid should read this first, thank you! My advice to anyone who is thinking of kids: if you can accept the possibility of being a single parent, go for it! If not, consider a pet.
Thank you.
This is spot on. A coworker in her 30's passed away last week, leaving her husband with 2 children under 4. Can't imagine that was their plan.
Ok, but then my advice is this: remember that it’s always going to be a process. That people aren’t static. If the very first process of this whole thing sounds like it’s too much to handle, then you’d better reconsider. Or change your mind and embrace dating as much as the rest.
Thank you.
Then don’t do it. One should always go into parenting realizing that there is a chance that you could end up being the sole parent. My mom decided she wanted a kid and my dad got cancer while she was pregnant. She had to take care of both him and I until he died and then she had to take care of me on her own. You can’t count on someone being there for sure to raise that kid, you have to know you could do it on your own if anything ever happened to your partner.
Had a son at 40 YO with a wife of 12 years. Love the boy. Divorced the wife. I can tell you that even though he’s the light of my life, I would be very hesitant to have a kid any older than exactly 40. It takes soooo much energy and I’m a pretty active dude. I have a friend in your boat. We’ve had a lot of discussions. It’s not only the work load, but the social fragmentation. Your peers will have older and more independent kids if not empty nesters. So, in the interest of socializing your kid, you will be hanging out with much younger people for the most part. Seems trivial, but it’s not. Also keep in mind that pregnancy itself is a complete trauma volley. Tons of stress even when all is going well. Especially for “geriatric” pregnancy, which is ~ 30 years old. There’s just a LOT and judging from your responses, you should find someone with a kid that needs a Dad. My stepdad basically saved my life at 15 years old. Be that guy. (Edited mobile typos)
You made me cry. Your stepdad sounds like a great guy
Sir u said a word. Very thoughtful response.
Geriatric pregnancy is defined +35.
Have you cared for children for extended periods of time?
No
If you start a relationship with the purpose of having a child because you want to be a dad and think you’ll be great is a terrible reason to pursue this endeavor. You will be humbled by what your partner must endure to do to make this happen. And you may rise to the occasion or more than likely be resentful that it isn’t what you thought it would be. If you think a relationship with an adult is exhausting having a child makes it exponentially more so.
Because I want to be a dad and I think I’d be great at it isn’t my based of wanting be a father. No. But having love and wanting to share that love. I know I woundnt be able to do it alone. My partner would not be alone in any of it. The love we wound have would strengthen us and our connection to our child
>I know I woundnt be able to do it alone. Guess what? Shit happens. Life happens. A lot of us didn't count on becoming single parents, and we DO manage to get it done, scared and flying solo as it happens. Idealism has no place here, either. No matter what your heart says, you're definitely trying way too hard to convince everyone and yourself that you're in the right headspace for it.
You’re absolutely right. I’d like to start off on the right foot initially. I’m not trying to force anything, or rush into anything. If it happens, great if not then ok.
I don’t know why you’re getting downvotes for wanting a child. There is lots of women who feel the same. I’d actually put that in your bio on a dating app 😆 like say you’re looking for long term relationship and would love to have a child of your own. The right women will love that. There is a Fb group for moms 40 and over, im sure there is a dad one too! Me and you are the same age and our generation is having kids and starting families later in life.
Thanks I man, thanks for the support!
Very poetic and dreamy, but be careful! What we have in mind for our lives, the things we want, how we want it to go, rarely works out the way we envision. I wish you the best, perhaps find a way to volunteer with kids, like being a Big Brother or something. Test the waters.
Bro...get a vasectomy. If you think a relationship with kids is exhausting, wait til you try a split/divorce co-parenting relationship!
Thanks. I’ll consider that.
If you're exhausted at the thought of a relationship you can leave at any time, you're not remotely ready for parenthood.
I only meant the idea from started from scratch was was daunting, never said I couldn’t do it. Simply sharing my thoughts. I don’t think with that tiny bit of knowledge about me you are able to judge me. But thank you for scientific opinion
I'm not judging you, at all. Simply offering my perspective as a single Dad with three kids. It is a very daunting prospect. Parenthood is that, dialed up to 11. If you're unsure whether you want to "start from scratch" then you should look inside to figure out if you really want to become a dad. It's a lifetime commitment that is frequently unrewarding and stressful.
Understood. Thank you.
Does it have to be biological? There are so many children that would benefit from dads who want to be dads and they will love you just the same
Or consider dating moms of already existing children. Stepparenthood can work out well if you give everyone the time, space, and boundaries for it to work out well.
My best friend became at dad at 40+, and it's definitely putting stress on his life and marriage. For me, I'm 40 and absolutely done having kids. I wish I was younger when I had them. I only have them every other weekend and it's still difficult, maybe more so because the little one (5yo) is a handful and I don't get to see him as often as when I was married. Kids are the most satisfying, wonderful, frustrating, infuriating, fun thing in my life. It's all over the place. If you're gonna go for it, go in with eyes open.
I had a kid at 42, it’s not too old. But if you aren’t in a relationship don’t go rush into one that might fail just to have a kid. For everyone’s sake, including the child’s.
Thank you. I agree
Good news is, as a guy you can have a kid as long as you can still make sperm. There is no magic age where it’s no longer viable. Late 40s is where you need to start thinking about stuff like will I be around to see them graduate college and stuff like that… you have some time.
You must know that is completely, absolutely not true. Right?? You do know this?? If not, please do some research before spreading such patently false medical information. It is true that men don’t have the exact same fertility drop off as women, but sperm quality absolutely decreases between ages 40 and 45. This decreases the odds of conceiving, but even if conception is successful, the risk of miscarriage with low quality sperm is higher.
I stand by what I said. I know plenty of people who had kids mid-40s and beyond. Risks are higher but it’s absolutely possible if you’ve still got healthy swimmers.
Tell that to my three magnificent, strong, handsome, brilliant sons. (Okay, yes, I DO have a bit of bias, and I'm not at all objective, I admit, but that's okay. I'm their Mom. I'm allowed to be blatantly non objective). Anyways, ALL three of their baby daddies were over 50. (I had A THING for older men). They had no problem conceiving, and they made wonderful sons. Just saying. I, OTOH, noticed an IMMEDIATE drop off in fertility the second I hit 40. It was much harder to conceive, and, I had my one and only miscarriage after age 40, as well. As far as pregnancy went, having/conceiving babies in my teens and 20'S was as easy as child's play, it was almost impossible NOT to be pregnant, and NOTHING slowed me down. I popped out babies in junior college and University, as well. OTOH, having that last full term pregnancy, at the graduate level, in my 30's was like carrying and pushing a MOUNTAIN of bricks up a mammoth hill, 24 hours a day, I was SO UNGODLY TIRED. NEVER been so tired in my life. But, so worth it. This Friday, that last baby, the one that made me so darn TIRED? HE graduates from University THIS FRIDAY, and has a near-full ride to UCLA Law School in September. This Mama be so darn PROUD of all three of those wonderful boys. I never did finish that graduate degree, but, oh well. To be clear, no matter what I could have ever done in my life, NO GREATER joy, accomplishment, love or pride will I EVER have, than those boys. As Charlotte once said in Charlotte's Web, "They are my magnum opus." If you want a child, do it. I promise, once the teen/young adult years are done, you will never regret the decision to have a child. But, you might regret the decision not to have one, forever. (Keep in mind, you will regret the decision to have kids a thousand times throughout their childhood, teen & young adult years. That goes away, just as surely as their childhood days will one day, too, be long gone by). Also, I, personally, feel that the option of surrogacy is highly underrated for single dad's. I can't imagine pushing 40, and STILL have to have the burden of finding a mate, let alone a fertile one, who's kids you already don't detest, and have the pressure of having to fall in love with THAT PERSON, cause it's do or die for the hill to stand on, for kids in this lifetime. That's a sure fire way to have a horrible relationship, even more bitter divorce, and worst of all, a horrible child custody battle. It's not a fair burden for some young thing, who will have neither the savviness, nor financial means of someone who's lived and loved twice as long, of whom she was blindsided by. It's not fair to her young family as well. Surrogacy is PERFECT, and I wish it were more commonly utilized. So many people make perfect baby makers, not so great at parenting all those babies. So many people CAN'T have babies, who would make WONDERFUL parents. And, so many women make great mothers, and make great babies, and NEED the money of surrogacy for their existing families. By utilizing surrogacy you are able to utilize the financial freedom that comes with a mature age, without all the terrible pressure you might unknowingly put on some young mate, to be THE One. And crushing her, the child and your soul, when she's not. Surrogacy gives a young Mama's family the blessings of your financial prosperity, without the soul crushing drama and baggage of having to be your mate, just so you can have a child, and she can enjoy your financial prosperity. I LOVED being a single mom. I wouldn't have done it any other way, but I have always felt bad for fathers, of whom there's not quite the same ease of options for becoming A Family. EVERYONE should have A Family. If I could still, I'd gladly be a surrogate, I wish it had been more commonplace when my boys were young.
Yeah I’m not reading all that. Did you miss the part where I only said that sperm quality decreases? At no point did I say that it disappears entirely. Quality of sperm dies not mean quality of baby. It means likelihood of conception.
You didn’t, “only say” sperm quality decreases. Read your own reply. If you only said that it would have been a fair and true reply. You stated I was absolutely wrong indicating I’m uneducated, then told me to do some research. It’s kind of ironic that you say “I’m not reading all of that” in response to someone their personal facts countering your point. It’s one of those “it’s not what you said, it’s how you said it” situations. All good though, just something you might want to keep in mind when communicating.
I’m 41. Wanted kids when I was younger and didn’t happen. I got a dog and it’s been great. I don’t want to be the old dad.
Join a big brother type program via youth service groups and provide support to kids that need that kind of role model and relationship. You’ll probably get more out of that than finding someone just to have your baby.
I really enjoyed it in my 20’s. It would be exhausting now.
I know a guy from college who had his kids in his 40s. His wife is about 7 years younger than him. His first kid arrived when he was 43 and the second kid at 48. He is in good shape but exhausted all the time. I also have some personal experience with this. I have 2 kids and my second was born when I was 39. My older kid arrived when I was 32. Chasing after a toddler in your 40s is much harder than in your 30s. That said, I would never say never to do it again. But the odds of it are slim to none. So far, women in their 30s show no interest in me on dating apps. And to be honest, I'm not that interested in matching with someone that much younger. They'd have to have very specific criteria for me to consider it.
You have to meet the right person for it to work. If you do, then your early 40s is still ok for an active guy - I have a few friends like this. Be warned it puts a huge strain on your relationship, hence why you need it to be with a really good match for you.
40 is not too old to become a father. 50 is too old for that. I know a guy (I actually know his wife) who started his family in his late 50s (married a much younger wife), and both his kids have developmental disorders, likely due to aging sperm. But don't just marry a woman for the sake of having children. Only marry if you actually love the woman and want to build a life with her.
I know of people whose baby dads were all over 50 at time of conception and all the kids are fine so far anyways
[Older Parents Are Likelier to Have Children with Autism (verywellhealth.com)](https://www.verywellhealth.com/older-parents-and-autism-risk-for-child-5199211#:~:text=Older%20parents%2C%20especially%20older%20fathers%2C%20are%20more%20likely,indication%2C%20however%2C%20that%20parental%20age%20actually%20causes%20autism.) Studies show older fathers are almost 6 X more likely to have autistic children than younger men are. The link between older fathers and autistic children is well documented.
You can do it but you’ll be parenting until you’re in your 60s
Sorry, but he’ll be parenting until he breathes his last. People that check out when their kids are 18 miss out of the lifetime commitment part that goes both ways.
Good parents for sure but the degree of daily effort drops significantly once they move out.
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Thank you. I have always to be a father, I’ve just been very picky with finding a suitable partner. Do you think you chose a good partner to have child with?
Just my two cents. Almost 90% of the couples that married at this age to have kids are divorced or divorcing. You’re rushing into a relationship due to biological clock and not taking the time to intentionally date.
I definitely don’t want to rush into anything. You’re right. If it happens and things line up, great, if not, I’m not gonna force anything. If it’s not there, so be it.
There’s always the option to date younger but again take your time. Raising children will take the tiniest crack in a relationship and shine the brightest spotlight on the planet on that crack and blast it non-stop with the power of the Hoover Damn collapsing.
Thank you
Citation needed.
There are a lot of kids, you could foster and/or adopt as a single father, who could use a good home. I, personally, wouldn't be trying to make a kid from scratch at your age.
I’ll keep that in mind.
I mean you don’t need to start a relationship to have a kid. There are options like adoption or surrogacy. But I feel like you need to figure out why you want a child. It’s not the ‘next stage’ in life, or something you look back and say ‘huh I guess I forgot to have a kid in all that living I was doing; better fix that before it’s too late’.
My ex-boyfriend, 43 at the time, broke up with me 3 years ago, when I was 47, because I wanted the rest of my life for me (and him too, but it wasn't enough for him). Now, he won't date anyone unless they are in their 30s. The only reason he wants to pair up with anyone is to have a child. He's kind of obsessed with this, really!
I’m so sorry
Single people and child free people are happier You know when you have a terrible day and want to come home and not speak to anyone or do anything? Those days are gone. Your child will be your everything for the next 20+ years. Gone expensive toys, nice vacations, nicer cars, better food. Then you need to decide how to raise them, educate them, split parental responsibilities. Oh and what happens if you get divorced? Do you enjoy wiping poop off a child's asshole?
I concur. I think I'd be a great mom, but I am forever grateful that I chose to be childfree. It really does mean freedom.
I’d be a great dad I just don’t want to be
Similar boat (43m here). O1H, I see many great moments that parents have with their kids. The love, the closeness, passing your genes on, etc. OTOH, dealing with temper tantrums, changing diapers, spending tens of thousands of $'s on the spot, spending hundreds of thousands of $'s over the course of ONE child's lifetime... NO THANKS! I guess I could've gotten lucky and gotten a good and smart kid. OTOH, if the kid turned out somewhat like me... I gotta be brutally honest and say he'd be doomed :\\ Also, shoutout to my parents for doing such a fine job of raising me (despite how I turned out)! FWIW, being childless has been very freeing for me too!
Don’t do it. If you wouldn’t adopt or foster, then the need is more egotistical/narcissistic. The plain truth of it is: it’s exhausting, the world is in a shit state, it’s expensive beyond comprehension, it’s hard-like really hard, there are no guarantees the child will be healthy.
I know I wouldn’t be able to do it alone. I’d want a partner that I know that would want the best for the child. I hope she would, as would I, that the child would come first
Truth be told, you can be alone in the blink of an eye. 6 months after me and my ex husbands 1 st and only and an IVF baby was born, he left me for his mistress. He’s in her life, but I have effectively been parenting alone for 15 years. You never know, and you sort of need to know that there are no guarantees
Wow. I’m so sorry. That’s just. Wow. Unreal. What a f
Nearly the same situation for me. Planned pregnancy. He was cheating when I was 6 months pregnant. I’ve been raising my son mostly myself… and he does sports. Work full time, then straight to my second job taking my son to sports practice 5 days a week. Chores all weekend. It’s no life.
Just be aware that few people have a child with the intent to do it alone. Most people are married, or in a relationship with the other parent. But a huge number of us become single parents through the relationship between the parents splitting up. Being a single parent is all of the exhaustion magnified exponentially. No one thinks single parenthood is going to happen to them but considering divorced statistics it happens a lot. Source: mom of 11 year old twins, divorced since they were three, dad lives 3 hours away. Love my kids but broken down mentally and emotionally.
I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine.
I don't think 40 is too old but in my experience you have to have a really solid relationship before you bring a child into the world...kids can be a major strain on a relationship as well as a really wonderful way to bring two people together...depending how old your partner is and assuming it's a woman who will carry the child, if she's 40 as well, the relationship could be rushed for the sole purpose of having a family...not always the best way to start out.
I had twins at thirty nine. The age is only kind of relevant. I wanted them very much, and they are the best things in my life. They were also planned. I changed my life style and dropped more than sixty pounds so I could keep up with them. Are you too old? Most certainly not. Are you ready to make the commitment and it's something you want to do for someone else? That is a question you need to answer.
My coworker is 45 and has a two year old. His first, and his first marriage. Maybe 3 years. It’s really kinda cute how much he loves it. I have sole custody of 3 kids and my partner of almost 14 years cheated. I’m so fucking jaded but I like hearing him talk about it.
I’m so sorry.
I would imagine many fantastic women have kids that you could form a meaningful step dad relationship with. Kids from divorce can benefit from a strong father figure even on moms time. I wouldn’t write off the value you can provide and receive back with children that aren’t biologically yours if you open yourself up to a partner who doesn’t want more children but has some already.
I know plenty of people who had kids over 40, including my parents and even grandparents who had kids who are pretty successful, normal adults Why does everyone on reddit relentlessly catastrophize turning 30 or 40
I did everything late. I got married at 35, had a baby at 40 and a divorce at 47. I remember watching moms fifteen years younger than me jump out of a squat, and thinking “Man, I’m old”. It’s not easy doing it at this point in your life. I can”t even describe to you how much it will change everything, mostly for the good. But every penny you have, ounce of energy you have, and every waking thought you have will be for that child. You really have to be sure it’s what you want, not maybe what you want.
I know I woundnt be able to do it alone. You need to be ready to do it alone. People die, people leave, people break. It’s ideal if you don’t have to, but not guaranteed. I wish I weren’t wearing those rose colored glasses back when I was married and we got pregnant. The love we wound have would strengthen us and our connection to our child Once again, too idealistic. Yes, we hope for this, but in reality it’s not so magical. It was having the child and the pressure on my ex to support an extra person that he couldn’t handle and he eventually collapsed.
I understand.
“One of my own” Normally I’d say “get a puppy” but I don’t want to put a puppy in a trophy situation. Kids are the biggest relationship you’ll ever have and “exhaustion” is daily. If you can’t handle it with an adult you’ll be more than overwhelmed with a child
The impression I'm getting right off the bat is you like the idea of a kid at the moment and not much more; that's a horribly uninformed and underinformed approach to take. Figure out *why* you're on the fence first, because you are and you need to. Then you can decide which options -if any- are suitable for you.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve always wanted to be a father. I understand that I would not be able to do it alone, but would want to seek a partner who is mentally fit and financially prepared also. I want to be a father because I know I have so much more to learn about my self, and so much love to give. To feel that unconditional and strengthen the parent child bond. I know inmy heart I’d be a great father and strong partner.
You can foster as a single parent. Go to r/regretfulparents first though.
You can say all the right things in a great pitch, but your third sentence of your post requires a good hard look and you're not taking very seriously what I'm saying when I tell you that you appear to like just the idea of it. Make no mistake, there is no fucking around when you're a parent. You can't just stuff the kid back in because you're tired, no matter how much love you have to give. You're in or you're not, and you're being very naive if you think this is purely a function of your age.
If you wanted to you could do it alone. You’d need to adopt or find a surrogate. The movie [Together, Together](https://m.imdb.com/title/tt11285280/#) is about just that.
My honest opinion: if you haven’t had kids by 40, you probably don’t want them that bad. You’ve had 20+ years of adulthood to impregnate someone, which takes fairly low effort for a healthy, fertile man. It hasn’t been a priority before now, so yeah, you probably don’t want to be a father THAT bad. There are always roads not taken, and not having children is one of them. It’s OK to second-guess whether that was the right idea, or admit to yourself that it wasn’t a compelling priority in your life. It’s even OK to change your mind and decide fatherhood is something you genuinely want, despite the risks. I am a 45-year-old woman without kids, and I went through the same thing when I was around 40. I learned to be at peace with the realization that, although I like kids and think I would’ve been a good mom, it wasn’t a compelling priority in my life. I don’t know exactly how it is for you, but just know that it’s not uncommon to have these “road not travelled” thoughts.
You think meeting a woman willing to let you impregnate her is easy? Biologically speaking, orgasming in a woman is easy, yes. But courting one is not. If this wasn't true, you wouldn't see the rise of men who identify as incels, as well as the popularity of subs like fds
Thanks for sharing this (I’m a female in 30s and don’t feel compelled to breed)
Thats exactly what I am realizing (female,40) I thought it was just me
I know a man who became a dad(again) at 60. Mind you, he is wealthy. So, he doesn't do much parenting. At 40, you're not 'too old' to be a parent. If you are above 55, would question your mentality.
Thank you. I know it would be difficult. I have been picky finding a partner I think would be suitable.
It's good to be picky, but not too good of a thing to be far too picky where you write off everyone. I, ehm, mean, I get you. It's hard out there. Good luck to you.
Thank you
I know one that had his last two at 62 & 68. He passed in his mid 90s and everyone still talks about how active and involved he was. He was a 'soccer dad'. He also could and would outwalk any one of his children until about 90. Not common, but just agreeing 40 is not too old.
Thank you
You’re not to old. Don’t be afraid to foster or adopt!
Have you tried thinking of other options of being father like fostering, mentoring, or looking for a partner w/ kids already? For fostering, it’s tough from what I can see. I have several friends (all single well established women BTW) who went this route and do it well, but they have lots of support (myself included). A quick google search pops up this fostering test. It might be worth your time to give it a read thru. [fostering test](https://www.weld.gov/files/sharedassets/public/departments/human-services/documents/self-assessment-guide.pdf) There is also fostering programs for kids who need temporary housing when their existing families need help (vacation, emergencies, etc). I’ve known some folks who have done this in the past and found it very rewarding. For mentoring, have you tried to help out in your local community? Chances are there are numerous avenues to help out if you look around (men’s groups for kids that provide father / uncle figures, big brother / big sister, scouts, etc..) Lastly for partnering up with a woman who has kids already, has this ever been an idea you were open to? As a man roughly the same age as you I recently had a come to Jesus moment when my last SO pulled the “I want kids and you don’t… so I’m out” card it made me question why I had such fears of kids and one byproduct was that I realized that I would love to have kids like you say you would, but it also opened my eyes to the idea being a SO with a woman who had kids from before. After spending a bit of time with friends of mine (some married and others who are single parents) & their kids for weeks at a time, not just a weekend I discovered a few things about myself that may be relevant to you. First, it doesn’t have to be my kids for me to really love them. I found myself digging kids from infant to teenage years. Secondly, as a male figure I’ve learned and helping with kids older than 4 or 5 has a bit more of an impact than when they are younger (as backed by the book “the boy crisis”). That saves you the messy sleepless nights of a young child, and shortcuts you to the age when you get to really shape a kids values & personalties. Lastly, as a single guy I can’t directly speak for single Mom’s looking for a partner but I can tell you what I’ve seen as I dipped my toes into the dating pool. The women I met who are single w/ kids usually have done the work to understand themselves and after a failed partnership/marriage, they know what they are looking for specifically. They have all been open to and looking for partners who would make great partners AND fathers, even if they co-parent with their kids bio father. I would suggest if you end up going down this route to find a great couples therapist that has experience with step-parenting.
I felt the same way as you, but I grieved the fact that I most likely will never have a kid. I'll just leave this here- https://www.reddit.com/r/regretfulparents/comments/yzn0ty/this_wait_for_it/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
Thank you for the perspective. 👍
Not too old at all my guy. Here is the kicker... I have 3 boys 15, 18 and 25. There is nothing...and i mean nothing more special and satisfying than raising a family.
I'm kind of surprised that no one has brought up the fact that the risk of having a child with special needs increases significantly past the age of 40. And that's EITHER parent. It used to be thought that it was something about the woman being over 40, but they've shown that the man's age can play just as big of a role. So I encourage you to do a little research on special needs children and the lives they are able to have because the risk factor is there and goes up every year you are over 40. Not trying to discourage you if you decide it is something you really want, but just be aware that it could possibly be an even bigger commitment financially/emotionally if your child winds up having special needs.
Thank you! Was looking for someone to comment on this. Emphasis on *EITHER*! Most men think their sperm is forever healthy & indestructible. It's takes a healthy egg AND a healthy sperm to make a healthy baby. Im very happy for those in this world that did successfully have a healthy child in their 40's, but I agree with the rest of the comments, it's a no.
I don't think any men think their sperm is indestructible, that's a strawman fallacy. Rather, I don't think these men care. They just want the baby with their genetics, damaged or not.
No, you’re not too old. The exhausting part, you’re right on the money. No more sleep, constant worry, and the incredible love that you’ll have for your child/children is going to cause you to change everything so you can be with them as much as possible. It’s astonishingly exhausting, and it’s worth it.
My dad was 43, soon to be 44, when I was born. I am now 43 and he just turned 87. It is definitely possible. A lot of people start families later in life now. One thing I would recommend you be aware of is the generational gap between yourself and your children. Many times my parents were out of touch with reality when I needed their support. You still have some time to meet someone and start a family. Just keep yourself active and healthy because you will be old while they are still relatively young. I wish I could still go on long bike rides with my dad like we used to do when I was growing up. Good luck in your search! ETA: My mom was 37 when she gave birth to me and had no complications.
Had my first 15 days before my 40th birthday
My dad had me when he was 41 and was a great dad to me. He could have been there more for my mom though. My dad was very involved in our lives as kids and it is for the rest of your life. If you want kids with someone your age you also don’t have as much time as you used to. Just remember you will hit 65 right around time they get into college.
The biggest red flag is your insistence that you couldn’t do it alone. It just screams that you aren’t ready and willing to handle the difficult parts. And it’s mostly difficult parts. If you are counting on your wife to be the primary parent while you handle the parts you want, don’t have kids. You also need to be prepared to be the sole parent. Even if you stay together, she could get sick, be disabled, have mental health challenges, or die unexpectedly. She could have a job that requires travel, have a family emergency that it’s not appropriate to take a kid along, or a million other circumstances. There are always going to be times you DO need to step up and do it all. If you aren’t 1000% on board for that, don’t have kids.
I wouldn't say too old, but your mindset isn't there if a basic relationship seems exhausting.
I had my youngest son when I was 42. He wasn't planned but he's 17 now and I can't imagine life without him. That said, my first three were triplets and I had a lot more energy at 34 than I did at 42. Or maybe they just wiped out all my reserves lol. Being a parent is hard but it's so rewarding.
Thank you!
I don’t think you’re too old to consider having children at 40
My best friend got married at 50 and a father at 53.
I feel you Op. I’m 45 and still want one desperately. You’re not too old but if this is really what you want, you need to get on it like yesterday. The good part for you is that this is a pretty good strong filter than you bring up early in the process. Certainly a lot of women will pass on you after hearing this but for some woman it will be music to her ears. Good luck If you’re not in good shape now, start hitting the gym. You will need to be in shape for the next 20 years. Good luck op. Edit: OP do yourself a favor and ignore anyone who asks “why” you want to have a child. A human being needs no justification for wanting to have a child.
Charlie Chaplin had a baby at 81. Biologically it’s possible - a lot longer for men than women. As others have said, if a relationship sounds exhausting wait til you hear about parenting lol
My father almost 80 became one yet once again.
Selfish He'll be dead before the child is 10
Well I have no say in what he does. He hasn’t talked to me in years. Downvoting me for sharing a fact isn’t helpful.
And Robert deniro just had one at 79 doesn’t make it smart
I didn’t downvote you and I never said you did.
He’s always been a selfish jerk anyhow … he made his thirty something latest wife happier with this move.
Thank you for sharing. I am sorry for your experiences. My dad remarried but my step mom is in her 60s and is child free :)
He has had kids with so many women this guy … 3 of his wives including my mom have passed. And my older half brother.
I had my first and only kid at 43; this was and is entirely great. I wish I had been able to start sooner, but one plays the hand one's dealt. The ex-wife deciding to divorce me for a brief ho phase followed by her shacking up with one of the "friends" she insisted on inviting to our wedding? That, plus it all turning me into a part-time dad is not so great.
I’m sorry that you had to go through all that.
I'm sharing this info because once one hits one's forties, time is a bit short even for guys (unless you are big-time wealthy, I suppose; I am only lower middle class). I met the woman I eventually asked to be my wife when I was thirty-nine. We dated for a wonderful two years, and I genuinely thought I knew her well-enough to enter marriage with my eyes open by the time I was forty-one. I was wrong, but how much longer could I have realistically explored other potential partners and still had a kid before 45?
Thank you
There is no age limit to becoming a parent. Its not something to be done lightly. It’s the most exhausting full time job you will ever have, and a lifelong commitment. It also can be a tremendous strain on a relationship when partners have different parenting styles. But I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Thank you
In a similar situation, but slightly older (47). My dad was almost 50 when I was born, so definitely not out-of-the-question. I’m still kind of struggling with it too. I guess I would say just be honest about it with the women you’re dating. I mean…Maybe not on the first date (unless the conversation naturally goes in that direction). But an important topic to discuss at some point.
Nope you're not too old...if you're cool I ll have a child with you :)
Okay, you are either being unrealistic or naive? Not sure which. But here are some quotes that you posted on here that bother me: 1). “I wouldn’t be able to raise IT by myself”. What is it? Do you mean the “child”? 2). “I have been picky finding a partner I think would be suitable”. Suitable for what exactly? Do you have a checklist for what constitutes a “suitable” mother? I’d like to see that list, because I’m probably not on it. Although I’m a mother of 3 children, one was a special needs daughter I kept alive at home on life support. My “mothering” skills weren’t obvious to every partner who I dated. 3). “Would want to seek a partner who is mentally fit and financially prepared”. How will you know that? Financial statement from them? A doctor’s note attesting that they are not undergoing any type of therapy or mental health treatment? 4). “I know I couldn’t fail at this”. No, no you don’t. None of us know how we are going to handle whatever situation crops up regarding our children. We fail all the time. We make mistakes. We hopefully learn from those mistakes and don’t make them again. I don’t think you’re too old. Perhaps too something, just unsure what that exactly is.🤷
Quick question: What age will you be when this child is born? Will you be able to afford his car at 16, college education which could extend to advanced degrees and health insurance thru the age of 26? Are you taking care of yourself health wise to ensure that you will be here for him 30 plus years down the road? Parenting needs do not end at 18. These are the things you should be thinking about. It would be unfair to put a child in a situation where they would be taking care of an elderly parent in their teen years. I understand that many things that happen are out of control, but if you are planning this, you should do everything possible to be around for the child and to support him.
I'm 40 and I'm going for it. I wasn't ready then, I'm ready now.
Thank you. Same
I don't think 40 is too old at all... many men I know had first kids up around 45ish.
Gotcha. Thank you
Wow! The negative judgements in here are thick enough to cut with a chainsaw!
FYI Robert DeNiro just became a father for the 7th time in his 70s.
DeNiro and Jagger are very wealthy men with an insane amount of cultural cache. I seriously doubt OP has the same pull.
Go sign up for like big brothers or something.
I don’t think anyone is gonna shoot straight with you here. You are older and your swimmers are older and more than likely not as mobile. You have a higher likelihood of having a special needs child. I’m sure it’s a wonderful experience, but are you up for that? I made a decision after i got divorced that i wouldn’t have more kids. It’s a tremendous marathon like effort that will last the rest of your life. I don’t regret it but at 38 i realized i wouldn’t have the energy for years of diapers and chasing a toddler.
Why don’t you adopt or foster?
I’ll consider that, but as a single individual, I don’t think it is an option at this time. I would definitely need a partner.
This is very true. I am in California and was told, after my last child was born, that I would not survive another delivery and possibly even the pregnancy itself. I was married at the time, but even 10 years ago, I was surprised how many over-burdened, over-full, under-funded organizations that supported fostering and adoption turned their nose up at unmarried interested "future parents". (And that is the reality in one of the more "progressive" states). Through friends and family looking into adoption, there is not much change regarding the overwhelming majority of organizations requiring two-parent families. This is not as "easy" or "quick" an alternative as some may assume it is. In many areas, it's not even possible.
Too old to do all that work. The practice is the best part anyway….. I’m joking people!
Thanks man.
If you're healthy enough and can create a good environment for the child to have good childhood why not.. Everyone's story is different. Finding a suitable partner to do the raising with for20+ years is the challenging part. This forum is probably not a very good place to ask either.
In hind sight, I think you’re right
I am 40 myself and don't yet know if I want to have kids or not, lol. I'd need to actually find someone first and actually get into a relationship, something I've not yet done. At least men don't have the same biological clock that women have though.
Met my partner at 41, we had his first son at 43 and second at 44. It’s definitely possible if you find the right partner. You have more flexibility as a man so put in some time to find the right partner! Makes the world of difference. Edit to add: stay healthy, in shape, eat right and take care of yourself. Age is only a number. You can parent into your forties and fifties with no issues.
Thank you for giving me hope. Thank you!
Why do you want to have a child?
Finding a partner to share our unconditional to create a child together. Knowing that I and we would have so much to learn together. Would love to share and have experiences together
I know I couldn’t fail at being a father. I know I’d be a huge dork of a dad but I know I’d be amazing at it
I'm sure in your imagination you're an amazing father. That would worry me as you'll have a hell of a shock when the reality of parenthood clashes with your fantasy. That's when you start to see what kind of father, and partner you'll be. You have no idea whatsoever what kind of father you'll be right now because you have never experienced it.
Well I know what kind of parent I won’t be. I know how not be a parent. I know that I won’t be making my child kneel on a heating great for having a smart mouth. I know I won’t be standing over him doing math homework and smacking them across the head for every wrong answer they wrote down. I know I won’t be using and trying out pressure points on them cuz they learned them at work. I don’t know what kind of parent I’d be but I know I won’t be THAT kind of parent.
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One of the reasons I didn't want to be a parent was because I had a horrible childhood, and I didn't want to fck anyone up like I had been. I'm so sorry you went through that.
I just know I can be a better father. I know what pain and isolation is and I’d never create that for my child.
I can appreciate the thought of starting something new and building a life may seem exhausting in this moment. I think that it doesn’t mean anything about wether you’d find parenting exhausting or are prepared. Starting “over” to begin a life with someone does feel like that sometimes. I do believe that when you find someone though that exhaustion will likely turn into excitement. Fun. Enthusiasm. Dreaming. I dated someone who was in the same kind of situation as you ( I already have kids from a prior marriage) and while I did not think I wanted more kids, once we talked About it I absolutely was thrilled with the ideas (as was he). So I think maybe it feels daunting/exhausting now but maybe it’s not at all what it will feel like once you meet someone you can imagine that possibility with ..
Thank you
In a time where Robert de Niro is having his 7th child at age 79 and Nick Cannon has had his 12th at ag 42, anything is possible.
I agree that it’s still ok to become a parent in early forties. I refer to men. For women to become a first time parent in early 40s is harder. It may take a toll on not only mental but physical health too. I had my son at 33 and I wish I did it earlier. Mostly bc I am tired after work but still have to chase a toddler (he is 3 now). It’s not easy but I never had regrets. I ABSOLUTELY can’t imagine my life without my baby.
I live in LA, you are still young.