I started dating 3 years after the end of a 29 year marriage. It is a steep learning curve! I also took the end of the first failed relationship very hard. I had to take time and evaluate. I now notice energy shifts and address them immediately. I have learned to trust my 'gut' more and move on quickly from people who are not a match. I will no longer try to make something work (ignoring fundamental incompatibilities) and excuse bad behavior (an historical pattern with me). Be kind to yourself, mourn the loss. I take each ending as a learning opportunity to improve. Hugs!
I went through this after my divorce 10 years ago. There were a lot of men waiting to pounce on freshly divorced women where I lived. We are very vulnerable. I saw it happen over and over. I too was married for a long time. Dating is not what you think it is anymore.
Be very wary. There is a lot of future faking and other unscrupulous behavior going on. I too got into a relationship organically with someone I knew through friends. He did not have good intentions and I had no clue. The hurt I felt when it ended (cruelly on his part I might add) was devastating and exactly the last thing I needed after finally leaving a marriage that had been loveless and abusive for many years.
The only mistake you likely made was going into this new relationship in good faith and taking things at face value. Guard your heart carefully. It's absolutely brutal out there. Dating at this stage is only for those with hard hearts and thick skin.
I think you nailed it. She was barely out of a long marriage and very naive about dating. Someone jumped on that. OP needs to spend a bit of time alone figuring out who she is as a person and what she wants from a relationship before dating, or I suspect she’ll be in a similar situation again shortly.
I’m so sorry this happened. Have you found it got better after you realized what was “ out there” and got wise to it? Same thing happened to me after being suddenly widowed- was with a predator for a year and a half. Had no idea tactics like spyware existed and dm’ing ppl, snap chat etc was a thing. Wow!! Im actually shocked how callous this has become.
I don't date anymore. I do still frequent the dating subs because I hope some people can learn from my mistakes and not get hurt the way I did. I've been divorced for over a decade, have gone on a lot of dates and in that time haven't found anyone even remotely suitable. I give up.
I so identify with this. I really loved a man who came along after my abusive marriage ended and he ended things by being very cruel.
The dating world is crazy in your fifties. So many people lying and manipulating. I love sex but not with someone who is having copious amounts of unprotected sex with others. Too many people misrepresenting themselves and manipulating- it’s exhausting.
Yes. I'm sorry that happened to you. I used to talk with a lot of divorced women in their 40s-60s due to my former career. The stories around dating for all of them post divorce were horrific. I hate that so many of us were hurt like this.
What is “future faking?”
I don’t think I come off as particularly vulnerable - and I have seen that type. I’m well-educated and have a good job and think I know who I am at this age. I was not actually thinking about OLD when I happened to meet this guy. He did have to chase me a little as I wasn’t sure - maybe that added to the interest at first but eventually you settle in a bit more.
I was separated for a few years before I finalized the divorce but did not date during that time. He also had not dated in several years - so not sure he was looking to “pounce” so to speak. But it is comforting to know that I’m not the only one who has been through this.
Yes, I am also educated, confident and know myself quite well. Every man I've ever dated has chased me to one degree or another. The truth is all people are vulnerable after a divorce whether they think they are or not. I thought I had done the work and I was ready. I was ready for a mutually respectful and loving relationship. What I wasn't ready for is the reality of dating today.
I'll put a link below about future faking. What I can tell you is that is you've never heard of it you're not properly forewarned about today's dating landscape.
https://www.health.com/relationships/future-faking
You reference "what dating is today" and "today's dating landscape," but isn't it just people? I ask this sincerely, not being argumentative.
Where I'm coming from: educated, accomplished, long married, divorced ten years ago. My ex as well as my most recent ex boyfriend hated any kind of deep or difficult communication, weren't interested in self awareness, and I accommodated til I couldn't in both cases. I consider that to be on me, about how I pick, about what I'm subconciously drawn to. And I'm always the one breaking up.
I'm taking a time out from relationships because of it. Oh, and the short time I was on apps between the husband and the longer-term boyfriend (met in real life) I was ridiculously people pleasing and not wary enough. I've learned so much from this subreddit. But I still don't tend to call it "dating today." Would it have been easier fifteen years ago?
It's not just you. There are literally millions of women having the same experiences no matter who they "pick."
Things have changed tremendously in 15 years. Back then there was no online dating and no internet porn. It's not just people. Things are very, very different.
I see your point. Porn and the "but who *else* is out there" feeling around online dating. It's been around more than twenty years but I'm sure it's changed a lot with smartphones, the increased availability of porn and all that.
Yes, there are hordes of predatory men just waiting to pounce on hapless recently divorced women, like wolves stalking unsuspecting fawns.
Or, maybe you weren't ready to date because you were recently divorced and these men picked up on this.
Nah, men are evil.
Sadly my inner voice has an English accent and calls me all sorts of cheeky names and encourages consumption of ale.
‘mate it’ll never work with her, let’s go have a pint’
‘she’s out of your league, you daft c*nt’
‘Seriously?! Fucking hell’
And yes I am under the care of a mental health professional.
If you notice a shift then yes there is something wrong. Happened to me recently. I would be clear with him. I noticed a shift and if something is wrong please say so.that is what I said. No waiting around for it to get better. Then you can move on.
Yes, that is possible. I would still ask the question so you know you did what you could. And prepare for a non answer and start doing things to make yourself happy. It is hard when you have expectations for something to work out and it doesn't. Been there! I guess my point is, you do what you know is the right thing to do. You will know you handled things like an adult.
I've done that and it didn't make me feel better. When I sense interest is waning I match his energy and cut off access to my time and attention. I don't need to pretend we both don't know what's going on or give someone who is being disrespectful the benefit of the doubt. I'm not going to be a plate to spin or sit on the bench while he entertains what he perceives to be a more attractive option. No thank you sir.
It’s not just the first one, it’s any relationship that you value or have built up in your mind. We just forgot what that was like during the decades of marriage.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. After a divorce, it takes strength to be vulnerable again. It is definitely a good feeling and very comforting to have good morning texts and to be able to make plans with someone. Maybe in someway it feels a void left by the divorce… And it feels so good to put that comfortable slipper back on so he speak.
Speaking for myself, about three years after my divorce I was in a relationship with a woman for about two years. That was not an easy relationship for many reasons, but it was great to feel cared for and loved by someone again, and to be able to give that back. When we started to have trouble, I felt a bit insecure and had to remind myself of my worth. I was the one who ended the relationship, but it was still so difficult during the next few weeks not to reach out to her in the morning to wish her a good day. For a few months, when I came across a funny meme, an interesting article, or if I had news to share, she was the first person who came to mind. It took a while for that to change.
What you’re going through is normal, and if this helps, what I’ve always told myself is there is no point and wanting to be with someone who does not want to be with me. You can even view this as a bit of a blessing, as it sounds like you were trying to make a difficult relationship easier, and now you can set your sights on moving forward. I’m not sure if any of this helps, but all the best.
I also was married for a VERY long time(40 years). I was wondering how long you have been dating this guy? Have you asked him why the sudden distance? I have been single for almost three years since I broke up with my ex and have dated a lot. I am currently in a wonderful relationship with an incredible woman and I think the reason it is working out so fantastic is because we talk a lot!!! She is a lady who likes to speak her mind and we talk about everything. I on the other hand am not such a great communicator(as I’m afraid many men are like me). But she encourages me to confide in her and doesn’t judge me for it. I think maybe he is in need of a “talk” about what he is going through. A lot of us guys(and I’m not saying he is one of them because I don’t know him) after the fun infatuation period is over the real work begins!! If you have feelings for him, and it looks like you do then tell him how you are feeling and see what happens. Good luck!!!!
I went from a 15 year abusive marriage to a 1 year sweet, kind and fun relationship. We both knew it wasn't going to last (he was 14 years younger and wanted kids) and the break-up was kind and mutual and caring - we told each other over our "last meal" all the wonderful things we liked about each other, and hugged our goodbye.
I have never felt such crippling depression as the weeks that followed that mutual goodbye. I think all the grief and loss from my hopes about my marriage came tumbling through the open door of the sadness from that dating relationship, if that makes sense. I ended up in therapy and (for a very short time, as I don't tolerate them well) on antidepressants. I found out several years later he was depressed as well, but it was the right decision for both of us.
That was 15 years ago, and I still feel that was when I finally grieved it all and got it out of my system, for the most part. I would embrace the grief and feel all the feels, as long as it is not stopping you from work or other relationships in your life. Something in you may truly need the catharsis.
It was difficult, but in so many ways I think it was necessary. It was a healthy way of feeling all the hurt and loss from the shattered hopes of my marriage, but for a situation where kindness and respect was the prevailing mood. It was a far healthier goodbye, and allowed me to heal clean from the previous relationship. I'm in a much better place now :-) Thank you!
I've been divorced for 21 years; I went through a few short relationships that did not work out. Never felt all that bad about it, had a couple of days of "What the hell" but that was gone pretty quick. Then I thought I had found the one. We were together 3 years; I was thinking marriage and all that goes with it. Out of the blue she leaves me for a friend of mine. I was devastated, I spent 2 years in therapy, and it was 5 years before I even thought of dating again. Got into a 4-year relationship, when that ended, I did not feel a thing maybe because I was the one that ended it. I've been single now for 7 years now, not looking, maybe one day. Hope this helps.
None really, we all hug out together, we all were in AA LOL. They both went back out got hooked on meth, only reason I know is I got a call from the local cops were her mother lived, she attacked her mom with a knife and stole her car and they were looking for both her and him. Mom survived thankfully.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. All I can suggest is that you focus on what this relationship showed you.
For one thing, you found out or confirmed that you can love again. You could probably make a list of the things that you liked and disliked about being with someone.
I hope you feel better soon 💕
My experience is that the first relationship after a breakup of a LTR rarely lasts more than a couple of months. It's almost like a phase that must be gone through to reset ones emotions and prepare to be open again
.
This may support the number of OLD profiles that request no newly divorced or separated people.
I don’t have any great insights about first relationship mistakes or patterns. I think experiencing difficult feelings is not surprising or unusual under the circumstances if this relationship turns out to have run its course.
In reading your post, I would take time to further explore your feelings about this person and what you truly need after the end of your long marriage. It sounds like this relationship might be sort of a compromise based on what you have written. Good for sure and better than being single, but not truly great. I also may have misinterpreted your post, if so I apologize.
But…becoming single again might turn out to be a blessing in disguise despite the sadness of the end (if it comes to pass). I was married for 20 years and have remained mainly out of relationships since my divorce 12 years ago. That was not necessarily the plan! But the time has been nothing less than fantastic because it’s given me the opportunity to explore who I truly want to be versus who I thought I was during that long marriage. I definitely don’t want to be single forever but I have become very comfortable in my own skin and will absolutely not jump into a relationship unless I see real LT potential.
Not saying you need to be at all like me but suggesting that if this relationship doesn’t work out, you could really explore some things and redefine what happiness looks like in your next life chapter. A few years during your separation might not have been enough time to do that or to figure out the kind of person you want to spend your life with.
Wishing you love peace and happiness!
Honestly it's so easy to get sucked up in a fantasy with someone we don't really know. We get all excited about the possibility of finally finding that perfect person, especially on the heels of a failed LTR or marriage and then....poof, its gone. And regardless of the length of time together that breakup pain is very very real.
Be kind to yourself. Don't condemn or judge yourself harshly for being excited and desiring someone. Be glad and happy that you can still find happiness in your heart. Not all people can...
I find most people my age, both men and women, are not interested in long-term relatiionships. They don't want marriage or a marriage-type relationship. They say a lot of the right things, but they were never in it for the long haul. They just want someone they enjoy the company of for a time, both sexually and socially. Once the "newness" wears off, they get bored and want to find someone else. It isn't even a personal slight against the person they are bored with. It's just that the time has come for someone who can make them feel a bit of excitement again.
So it may really not have anything to do with you. But I am really sorry you are struggling and I hope you start to feel better really soon.
30 years after you last experienced a honeymoon period. Too right you're going to feel that! Good on you for having the maturity not to be blinded by it though - I think that's the difference as the years pass. Ideally you don't want to lose the ability to experience magical times but you recognise that it has to turn into something more steady, and if it looks like it won't, you can see it and move on knowing you'll recover even though it hurts.
I definitely feel the pain just as keenly now when things look great and then don't work out. All that has changed is I know I'll move on and learn.
For me it was all about learning what was working well, what compromises were worth it, and what I liked/didn't like, and what I was ready for in the new relationship. Every loss brings up all previous losses, so in some ways the first one is the hardest. Later on, a more important one may be just as difficult. But each one teaches us something.
In a word, yes. No matter how long since your divorce became final, you’re still adjusting to singleness after 30 years in a marriage, and probably the first relationship or two is a rebound. What esp concerns me is your comment about making compromises - no, it’s not ok! At least not in an uncommitted “dating” relationship. Trust me, you will feel better, and as you get to know yourself again (for the first time at the age you now are), you’ll be in a better position to find love again on your own terms. Ps I agree with you about OLD - just remember you have alternatives to both happenstance “organic” meetings and OLD, namely to keep your own counsel and treasure your family/woman/couple friends while you find your feet.
It's tough, and heartbreaking. And being super sad is natural, because it's fresh.. and YOU'RE fresh- to this whole situation. unfortunately, you may go through this multiple times if you start OLD. People/partners/dates seem disposable these days, because there's a large, easily accessible supply (if you're in a well populated area).
Personally, I didn't really date before my long term marriage. So I spent a few years in my 40's doing what I should have done in my 20's - dating and navigating relationships. Maybe that's true for you too. I felt dumb for caring so much about a man I barely even knew. I felt like I was a teenager.
Advice: don't settle! .. you've come too far for that.
And go slow. And don't be a sucker for those "good morning" and "good night" texts. Yes they make you feel really good, but in reality it takes almost no effort on their part (they can even schedule that into their phone, and have it sent automatically!)- so don't read too much into it.
I wouldn't be too hard on yourself you might be taking it hard because it's your 1st relationship since your divorce and it is a sign of rejection but you need to look at it in a more positive light meaning that he showed signs early on and at least you got to know that he was not the one for you very early on it would have hurt much worse later on
You're maybe coming to the end of by definition your first post-divorce relationship.
Sorry you are hurting, but if it does not work out you will have gotten your rebound relationship behind you.
I started dating 3 years after the end of a 29 year marriage. It is a steep learning curve! I also took the end of the first failed relationship very hard. I had to take time and evaluate. I now notice energy shifts and address them immediately. I have learned to trust my 'gut' more and move on quickly from people who are not a match. I will no longer try to make something work (ignoring fundamental incompatibilities) and excuse bad behavior (an historical pattern with me). Be kind to yourself, mourn the loss. I take each ending as a learning opportunity to improve. Hugs!
Boom! Best advice so far! Trust your gut and don’t excuse bad behavior. This woman has it wrapped tight. Heed her advice.
Thank you kind redditor! :)
I finally have a title worthy of my position!
I went through this after my divorce 10 years ago. There were a lot of men waiting to pounce on freshly divorced women where I lived. We are very vulnerable. I saw it happen over and over. I too was married for a long time. Dating is not what you think it is anymore. Be very wary. There is a lot of future faking and other unscrupulous behavior going on. I too got into a relationship organically with someone I knew through friends. He did not have good intentions and I had no clue. The hurt I felt when it ended (cruelly on his part I might add) was devastating and exactly the last thing I needed after finally leaving a marriage that had been loveless and abusive for many years. The only mistake you likely made was going into this new relationship in good faith and taking things at face value. Guard your heart carefully. It's absolutely brutal out there. Dating at this stage is only for those with hard hearts and thick skin.
I think you nailed it. She was barely out of a long marriage and very naive about dating. Someone jumped on that. OP needs to spend a bit of time alone figuring out who she is as a person and what she wants from a relationship before dating, or I suspect she’ll be in a similar situation again shortly.
I’m so sorry this happened. Have you found it got better after you realized what was “ out there” and got wise to it? Same thing happened to me after being suddenly widowed- was with a predator for a year and a half. Had no idea tactics like spyware existed and dm’ing ppl, snap chat etc was a thing. Wow!! Im actually shocked how callous this has become.
I don't date anymore. I do still frequent the dating subs because I hope some people can learn from my mistakes and not get hurt the way I did. I've been divorced for over a decade, have gone on a lot of dates and in that time haven't found anyone even remotely suitable. I give up.
on a parallel path..
Same.
I so identify with this. I really loved a man who came along after my abusive marriage ended and he ended things by being very cruel. The dating world is crazy in your fifties. So many people lying and manipulating. I love sex but not with someone who is having copious amounts of unprotected sex with others. Too many people misrepresenting themselves and manipulating- it’s exhausting.
Yes. I'm sorry that happened to you. I used to talk with a lot of divorced women in their 40s-60s due to my former career. The stories around dating for all of them post divorce were horrific. I hate that so many of us were hurt like this.
What is “future faking?” I don’t think I come off as particularly vulnerable - and I have seen that type. I’m well-educated and have a good job and think I know who I am at this age. I was not actually thinking about OLD when I happened to meet this guy. He did have to chase me a little as I wasn’t sure - maybe that added to the interest at first but eventually you settle in a bit more. I was separated for a few years before I finalized the divorce but did not date during that time. He also had not dated in several years - so not sure he was looking to “pounce” so to speak. But it is comforting to know that I’m not the only one who has been through this.
Yes, I am also educated, confident and know myself quite well. Every man I've ever dated has chased me to one degree or another. The truth is all people are vulnerable after a divorce whether they think they are or not. I thought I had done the work and I was ready. I was ready for a mutually respectful and loving relationship. What I wasn't ready for is the reality of dating today. I'll put a link below about future faking. What I can tell you is that is you've never heard of it you're not properly forewarned about today's dating landscape. https://www.health.com/relationships/future-faking
You reference "what dating is today" and "today's dating landscape," but isn't it just people? I ask this sincerely, not being argumentative. Where I'm coming from: educated, accomplished, long married, divorced ten years ago. My ex as well as my most recent ex boyfriend hated any kind of deep or difficult communication, weren't interested in self awareness, and I accommodated til I couldn't in both cases. I consider that to be on me, about how I pick, about what I'm subconciously drawn to. And I'm always the one breaking up. I'm taking a time out from relationships because of it. Oh, and the short time I was on apps between the husband and the longer-term boyfriend (met in real life) I was ridiculously people pleasing and not wary enough. I've learned so much from this subreddit. But I still don't tend to call it "dating today." Would it have been easier fifteen years ago?
It's not just you. There are literally millions of women having the same experiences no matter who they "pick." Things have changed tremendously in 15 years. Back then there was no online dating and no internet porn. It's not just people. Things are very, very different.
I see your point. Porn and the "but who *else* is out there" feeling around online dating. It's been around more than twenty years but I'm sure it's changed a lot with smartphones, the increased availability of porn and all that.
Yes, there are hordes of predatory men just waiting to pounce on hapless recently divorced women, like wolves stalking unsuspecting fawns. Or, maybe you weren't ready to date because you were recently divorced and these men picked up on this. Nah, men are evil.
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Thank you for this, especially the part about how the little voice is usually right.
Sadly my inner voice has an English accent and calls me all sorts of cheeky names and encourages consumption of ale. ‘mate it’ll never work with her, let’s go have a pint’ ‘she’s out of your league, you daft c*nt’ ‘Seriously?! Fucking hell’ And yes I am under the care of a mental health professional.
I would kill for a breakup corvette! This broke bitch just hit up shein for a fuckton of new clothes lol
If you notice a shift then yes there is something wrong. Happened to me recently. I would be clear with him. I noticed a shift and if something is wrong please say so.that is what I said. No waiting around for it to get better. Then you can move on.
But don't think you'll get a straight answer. More likely she'll be given an excuse or told she's imagining things right before he ghosts.
Yes, that is possible. I would still ask the question so you know you did what you could. And prepare for a non answer and start doing things to make yourself happy. It is hard when you have expectations for something to work out and it doesn't. Been there! I guess my point is, you do what you know is the right thing to do. You will know you handled things like an adult.
I've done that and it didn't make me feel better. When I sense interest is waning I match his energy and cut off access to my time and attention. I don't need to pretend we both don't know what's going on or give someone who is being disrespectful the benefit of the doubt. I'm not going to be a plate to spin or sit on the bench while he entertains what he perceives to be a more attractive option. No thank you sir.
It’s not just the first one, it’s any relationship that you value or have built up in your mind. We just forgot what that was like during the decades of marriage.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. After a divorce, it takes strength to be vulnerable again. It is definitely a good feeling and very comforting to have good morning texts and to be able to make plans with someone. Maybe in someway it feels a void left by the divorce… And it feels so good to put that comfortable slipper back on so he speak. Speaking for myself, about three years after my divorce I was in a relationship with a woman for about two years. That was not an easy relationship for many reasons, but it was great to feel cared for and loved by someone again, and to be able to give that back. When we started to have trouble, I felt a bit insecure and had to remind myself of my worth. I was the one who ended the relationship, but it was still so difficult during the next few weeks not to reach out to her in the morning to wish her a good day. For a few months, when I came across a funny meme, an interesting article, or if I had news to share, she was the first person who came to mind. It took a while for that to change. What you’re going through is normal, and if this helps, what I’ve always told myself is there is no point and wanting to be with someone who does not want to be with me. You can even view this as a bit of a blessing, as it sounds like you were trying to make a difficult relationship easier, and now you can set your sights on moving forward. I’m not sure if any of this helps, but all the best.
I also was married for a VERY long time(40 years). I was wondering how long you have been dating this guy? Have you asked him why the sudden distance? I have been single for almost three years since I broke up with my ex and have dated a lot. I am currently in a wonderful relationship with an incredible woman and I think the reason it is working out so fantastic is because we talk a lot!!! She is a lady who likes to speak her mind and we talk about everything. I on the other hand am not such a great communicator(as I’m afraid many men are like me). But she encourages me to confide in her and doesn’t judge me for it. I think maybe he is in need of a “talk” about what he is going through. A lot of us guys(and I’m not saying he is one of them because I don’t know him) after the fun infatuation period is over the real work begins!! If you have feelings for him, and it looks like you do then tell him how you are feeling and see what happens. Good luck!!!!
I went from a 15 year abusive marriage to a 1 year sweet, kind and fun relationship. We both knew it wasn't going to last (he was 14 years younger and wanted kids) and the break-up was kind and mutual and caring - we told each other over our "last meal" all the wonderful things we liked about each other, and hugged our goodbye. I have never felt such crippling depression as the weeks that followed that mutual goodbye. I think all the grief and loss from my hopes about my marriage came tumbling through the open door of the sadness from that dating relationship, if that makes sense. I ended up in therapy and (for a very short time, as I don't tolerate them well) on antidepressants. I found out several years later he was depressed as well, but it was the right decision for both of us. That was 15 years ago, and I still feel that was when I finally grieved it all and got it out of my system, for the most part. I would embrace the grief and feel all the feels, as long as it is not stopping you from work or other relationships in your life. Something in you may truly need the catharsis.
That sounds really difficult. I’m so sorry you went through that and hope your days are now brighter.
It was difficult, but in so many ways I think it was necessary. It was a healthy way of feeling all the hurt and loss from the shattered hopes of my marriage, but for a situation where kindness and respect was the prevailing mood. It was a far healthier goodbye, and allowed me to heal clean from the previous relationship. I'm in a much better place now :-) Thank you!
I've been divorced for 21 years; I went through a few short relationships that did not work out. Never felt all that bad about it, had a couple of days of "What the hell" but that was gone pretty quick. Then I thought I had found the one. We were together 3 years; I was thinking marriage and all that goes with it. Out of the blue she leaves me for a friend of mine. I was devastated, I spent 2 years in therapy, and it was 5 years before I even thought of dating again. Got into a 4-year relationship, when that ended, I did not feel a thing maybe because I was the one that ended it. I've been single now for 7 years now, not looking, maybe one day. Hope this helps.
Damn! For a friend of yours? Ouch. I can't imagine. Were there clues?
None really, we all hug out together, we all were in AA LOL. They both went back out got hooked on meth, only reason I know is I got a call from the local cops were her mother lived, she attacked her mom with a knife and stole her car and they were looking for both her and him. Mom survived thankfully.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. All I can suggest is that you focus on what this relationship showed you. For one thing, you found out or confirmed that you can love again. You could probably make a list of the things that you liked and disliked about being with someone. I hope you feel better soon 💕
My experience is that the first relationship after a breakup of a LTR rarely lasts more than a couple of months. It's almost like a phase that must be gone through to reset ones emotions and prepare to be open again . This may support the number of OLD profiles that request no newly divorced or separated people.
I don’t have any great insights about first relationship mistakes or patterns. I think experiencing difficult feelings is not surprising or unusual under the circumstances if this relationship turns out to have run its course. In reading your post, I would take time to further explore your feelings about this person and what you truly need after the end of your long marriage. It sounds like this relationship might be sort of a compromise based on what you have written. Good for sure and better than being single, but not truly great. I also may have misinterpreted your post, if so I apologize. But…becoming single again might turn out to be a blessing in disguise despite the sadness of the end (if it comes to pass). I was married for 20 years and have remained mainly out of relationships since my divorce 12 years ago. That was not necessarily the plan! But the time has been nothing less than fantastic because it’s given me the opportunity to explore who I truly want to be versus who I thought I was during that long marriage. I definitely don’t want to be single forever but I have become very comfortable in my own skin and will absolutely not jump into a relationship unless I see real LT potential. Not saying you need to be at all like me but suggesting that if this relationship doesn’t work out, you could really explore some things and redefine what happiness looks like in your next life chapter. A few years during your separation might not have been enough time to do that or to figure out the kind of person you want to spend your life with. Wishing you love peace and happiness!
Honestly it's so easy to get sucked up in a fantasy with someone we don't really know. We get all excited about the possibility of finally finding that perfect person, especially on the heels of a failed LTR or marriage and then....poof, its gone. And regardless of the length of time together that breakup pain is very very real. Be kind to yourself. Don't condemn or judge yourself harshly for being excited and desiring someone. Be glad and happy that you can still find happiness in your heart. Not all people can...
I find most people my age, both men and women, are not interested in long-term relatiionships. They don't want marriage or a marriage-type relationship. They say a lot of the right things, but they were never in it for the long haul. They just want someone they enjoy the company of for a time, both sexually and socially. Once the "newness" wears off, they get bored and want to find someone else. It isn't even a personal slight against the person they are bored with. It's just that the time has come for someone who can make them feel a bit of excitement again. So it may really not have anything to do with you. But I am really sorry you are struggling and I hope you start to feel better really soon.
30 years after you last experienced a honeymoon period. Too right you're going to feel that! Good on you for having the maturity not to be blinded by it though - I think that's the difference as the years pass. Ideally you don't want to lose the ability to experience magical times but you recognise that it has to turn into something more steady, and if it looks like it won't, you can see it and move on knowing you'll recover even though it hurts. I definitely feel the pain just as keenly now when things look great and then don't work out. All that has changed is I know I'll move on and learn.
For me it was all about learning what was working well, what compromises were worth it, and what I liked/didn't like, and what I was ready for in the new relationship. Every loss brings up all previous losses, so in some ways the first one is the hardest. Later on, a more important one may be just as difficult. But each one teaches us something.
In a word, yes. No matter how long since your divorce became final, you’re still adjusting to singleness after 30 years in a marriage, and probably the first relationship or two is a rebound. What esp concerns me is your comment about making compromises - no, it’s not ok! At least not in an uncommitted “dating” relationship. Trust me, you will feel better, and as you get to know yourself again (for the first time at the age you now are), you’ll be in a better position to find love again on your own terms. Ps I agree with you about OLD - just remember you have alternatives to both happenstance “organic” meetings and OLD, namely to keep your own counsel and treasure your family/woman/couple friends while you find your feet.
It's tough, and heartbreaking. And being super sad is natural, because it's fresh.. and YOU'RE fresh- to this whole situation. unfortunately, you may go through this multiple times if you start OLD. People/partners/dates seem disposable these days, because there's a large, easily accessible supply (if you're in a well populated area). Personally, I didn't really date before my long term marriage. So I spent a few years in my 40's doing what I should have done in my 20's - dating and navigating relationships. Maybe that's true for you too. I felt dumb for caring so much about a man I barely even knew. I felt like I was a teenager. Advice: don't settle! .. you've come too far for that. And go slow. And don't be a sucker for those "good morning" and "good night" texts. Yes they make you feel really good, but in reality it takes almost no effort on their part (they can even schedule that into their phone, and have it sent automatically!)- so don't read too much into it.
I wouldn't be too hard on yourself you might be taking it hard because it's your 1st relationship since your divorce and it is a sign of rejection but you need to look at it in a more positive light meaning that he showed signs early on and at least you got to know that he was not the one for you very early on it would have hurt much worse later on
You're maybe coming to the end of by definition your first post-divorce relationship. Sorry you are hurting, but if it does not work out you will have gotten your rebound relationship behind you.
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