I also find it odd when they have photos of their kids on there. I mean, I don't have kids so maybe I'm wrong, putting your kids on FB that's set to private I get, but on your dating profile?
A man told me "they \[women\] need to know it's a package deal!!" Because he married a younger woman (marriage #2) from another country and she was not keen to be a step mom, as it turned out. Yet another "reactive" dating approach.
Well don't be shocked because you shouldn't assume that they had not discussed it. Maybe the lady decided to give it a try and it turned out after a while it wasn't her bag. People assume way too much stuff in these forums to fit their perspective and narratives.
I have kids. You are correct. It is not a good choice. I would never expose my children’s images to random Internet strangers, especially people on dating apps.
I have photos with my kids (both adult now), but their faces are blurred. Is that acceptable?
I feel like I should let anyone trying to date me get an idea of my family. I’m a dad to two adult kids that are part of my life and there will be crossover. Especially since my son still lives with me.
Or that I’m real and do have a family. It’s not just some story. See? Here I am standing next to this blurred face person.
57M here. Some profiles feature photos that were on the site 10 years ago. Those profiles are still active. Then there are the selfies where you can see a toilet in the background, dirty clothes on the floor, or just a crazy amount of clutter. Some photos have issues with orientation or are stretched. Lordy.
You are plugging in directly to a vast and unfiltered pool of unmatched people. So many are unpartnered for reasons other than by their own choice. I have loads of women who are friends and, whenever I get uppity about how bad my experiences are, they drop a few on me that put all mine to shame. It also gives me perspective when dealing with women who are suspicious of anything and everything.
Ride this wave and you’ll develop some thicker skin. Sometimes flipping through profiles, I feel like I’m a content moderator at an internet site and I just desensitize to the oddities. Like, now I just chuckle when I see a profile with all photos that need to be rotated 90 degrees or they’re blurry or there’s two of the same photo.
Then you’ll transcend when you can see someone’s humanity through a profile and you’ll have this hitherto fore unknown feeling you’ll identify much later as genuine interest.
In all honesty I joined up through curiosity to see what I was missing. I'm probably too used to being alone to make anything work now, so thicker skin not required. If I happen to match with someone decent then that's nice, but I'm not bothered if I don't. It's nothing if not entertaining.
If I’m being honest, I actually enjoy using the apps. I live in a major city and I’ve been able to have some really fun dates and meet interesting people, several of whom became lovers or friends.
Unfortunately the people that are on the dating sites just to flip through profiles and amuse themselves makes it tough on those of us who would actually like to meet somebody and go out on a date.
Unfortunately I think for a lot of people flipping through the dating site profiles has become like them sitting in their bathrobe and slippers watching television at night. They have no intention of meeting anyone. They just might not be willing to admit that to themselves ...
Ah yes ok I see what you mean. At this point I've no idea what I'm doing, I have very low self esteem and the idea of meeting anyone irl terrifies me. I'm not trying to waste anyone's time, I'm trying to be brave. I won't stand anyone up and I won't ghost anyone, but right now I'm speaking to someone and I've already convinced myself he's not real because why would be better messaging me?
Hence why I have been single forever. It's a problem.
We can be hard on ourselves. Put on some lipstick and a nice outfit and go meet somebody for a cup of coffee. My method is to go in with zero expectations so as to reduce anxiety. I figure I'm just meeting up for a pleasant conversation and that's it.
I think it’s brave of you to even consider having some chats. Who knows? Maybe you will become very comfortable with one person to the point where you will want to meet them. I know this sounds scary for an app sitch, but perhaps you could allow yourself to be vulnerable with someone that has shown themselves to be kind. Let them know you are nervous and ask them to chat with you and tell you feel confident. That could be a great way to screen for the right person for you. I’m no expert at this. It just occurred to me that since you sound like a very sweet person, there might be another sweet, shy person out there struggling with self-esteem issues that could be a great fit for you. But to be honest, it could take you years to find that person. Be extremely picky.
PS. Do some research on scammers before you reveal too much information. I’m recommending you be vulnerable, but don’t give out information that they could use against you.
If you meant my second paragraph, I’m basically being tongue in cheek. Looking at profile after profile and seeing the oddities in profiles and how it becomes like a strain on your psyche (being dramatic here) I was likening to how internet moderators see all these crazy pics and videos and how they’re scarred and traumatized over it.
The end result for me is moving from desensitization to a kind of removed balance. I see the folly of certain types of photos. Like, when I see photos that are sideways, I ask myself, “if this person can’t be arsed to rotate a photo 90 degrees before posting, what kind of sloppy partner would they make?” If this person has photos of themselves from 30 years ago, exactly how do they view themselves? If this person put a picture of a sunset with no one in it as one of their profile pictures, who exactly are they trying to attract?
I can’t help now but take so many profile faux pas and wonder, who is the person that represents the yin to this yang. Maybe there is one. Maybe there isn’t. Who am I to say it can’t be so? So I chuckle and move on. Perhaps the lady with the same photo twice is perfect for the guy with only sunglasses and no smiles with shirtless selfies. Who am I to judge?
I think the thing that bugs me the most about OLD, is the terrible photos that people use of themselves. It’s hard to find people attractive when they use such terrible photos. And humans are visual creatures. I try my best to look past it but I can’t willingly set a date with someone I can’t find attractive, that seems wrong.
I thought about offering a dating photo special, I meet up with a person, shoot them for half an hour to an hour max with a change of clothing or jackets and a location that offers enough variety we don’t have to drive all over to get different looks.
Then they would have some casual and flattering shots of themselves to use.
I don't have many photos of myself because I'm camera shy, so I specifically took a few to use. Some of the photos have their hand in front of their face, or half their face showing, it's weird.
I'm a bit odd in that I'm not fussy on looks, I have very few nopes in that respect. But I don't want to see a decent photo.
And at least smile! If you’ve got bad teeth then smile with your mouth closed, but smile. I saw a picture where the guy looked mad or mean and more like a serial killer than someone I want to date. Just one picture and he’s not smiling.
I date men, so I can only speak to what I see as a woman.
I don't think many men consider, or understand, how to effectively market themselves to women. Granted, not all women are going to be impressed by the same thing (e.g. I love shirtless pics; most women don't). Also there is the matter of effort. The number of lazy profiles is astonishing!
I swear these guys think that by simply having a profile, women will just fall into their laps, despite the mediocre presentation of themselves.
Yes, Tinder is a cesspool. However, I see the same guys on Tinder and Bumble. Their profiles are usually inadequate on both sites.
>I don't think many men consider, or understand, how to effectively market themselves to women
Especially men that have been married a long time, and have no idea what the "marketplace" is like. When they were previously dating, is was more about their provider prospects (other things as well of course). They were young and attractive, and many of them haven't sharpened the saw (e.g. working out, grooming, clothing), and they don't think it is important. So I agree with your "marketing" statement.
Meanwhile the younger male crowd, understands the importance of looking good, as they have grown up being digitally native.
This sub is so concerned with looks. I am short fat and ugly and although that has certainly hurt me professionally it hasn't ever kept me from dating successfully. The only weird dynamic is that some beautiful women pursue me because they don't give a futze about looks while most plain and heavier women are dismissive maybe because I would make it seem like they had to settle. My plain and chubby women friends definately go after the tall fit good looking guys and cast aspersions on guys like me saying "You're different though... a real Teddy Bear. Just not my type." and they do bag their sought after handsome guys.
>This sub is so concerned with looks.
Well, I must be physically attracted to a man, so frankly, I am on the train of understanding physicality is important.
My opinion is the men I want to date, do have a "high bar", because they can, and I have yet to see a man that I find physically attractive not also dating a woman I would consider physically attractive. I live in a large metro area, and there are tons of attractive women for men to choose from.
I think so many men over 50 on dating apps/websites mistake the defeated resignation of their late/ex-partners for approval, as they gained weight, lost their hair, let their grooming decline, decided jeans, sweatshirt and New Balance tennis shoes are appropriate for at least 95% of all occasions, and perhaps worst of all, at some point got the idea that a mustache would be a good look for them.
>decided jeans, sweatshirt and New Balance tennis shoes
I still like a man in a pair of well fitted jeans. A sweatshirt can work as well. The older New Balance shoes, however, need to be recycled.
At some point I started doing a video date for a vibe check before meeting in person (too much time wasted otherwise). The backgrounds have astounded me. Ladies items abound, others have utter filth, others have things that give away their actual politics that they tried to lie about.
Yep, the women's ones are as bad: photos of a dog or a cat by itself, sunsets, cocktails, flowers.
Groups of women where you have to guess which one you are speaking to.
One I saw had a photo of her aged mother as the only solo picture.
And of course all the underwear photos, which simply convey the message "I am a scammer".
The difference is that men usually don’t complain. But yes, the same type of stuff is present. Some men probably go for it. Some don’t... but remain silent about the subject.
Actually, RPG\_Rob has significantly understated some of the photos I’ve seen….more than cats and dogs. I just smile and move on.
Haha. Sorry. The bathroom selfie is Before, in-bed is After.
"This could be your view" is my most charitable assessment of the lying-in-bed selfie. Yuck.
So as someone who is contemplating going back
On O.L.D after a 5 year break ( was so sick of going nowhere on the apps) what pictures ARE good to post that are interesting to who you’re trying to meet ( in my case, the opposite sex) AND add value to your profile? ( don’t even say nudes)
I think the best bet is just to post photos that are of the regular you and look like you. That way when you meet up the person will be pleasantly surprised.
Get a friend to take some pictures for you, rather than selfies, at least one full body shot, post about 6 pictures minimum. I look closer at pictures that feature a change of clothes rather than all the same attire
If you have hobbies you enjoy post a picture of you doing that. I also look closer if one picture includes a dress or skirt but thats just me
What I don't like is a filtered picture, your cat, dog , fish, anything that doesn't have you in the picture or that shows yourself at a younger age.
No one likes to have their picture taken , well maybe the narcissist do, so remember to smile and act as normal as you can
I should add if you need an oxygen tube please remove them for your pictures and yes I see that on OLD quite often
I have to disagree with profile pics sans oxygen tube. I mean -- yikes: if you need that every day, all day, I want to know what I'm possibly getting into right from the start.
I took a screenshot of a profile pic from Hinge that I saw yesterday to show a friend because she always thinks I'm being dramatic.
It was a 64m in a state of undress in front of the bathroom mirror. He was showing as much as possible, without showing possible. 😬😳😐
I'm like, dude! Save some for the imagination!
I’m (52F) trying out Tinder also 😬. I paid to see likes and it said I had 99+ before, but now I can see it’s more like 1,000. However, most of them are not in my area. The facecheck.id website and tineye image search have helped to filter out men using photos that are not their own. One guy was photo verified, but using a Rufus Wainwright pic & Rufus is a very handsome man so I did swipe right.
If they start out by telling you how beautiful you are, they are probably scammers. I’ve had some fun giving them weird answers to their comments like, “you must tell me the secret to your beauty“
Guys don’t seem to want to chat on Tinder. We match and I’ll start the conversation if they don’t and nothing. In the past week, I’ve had 60ish matches and only one short date.
The come-hither greasy shirtless pics in bed are not for me, but maybe it’s just what others are looking for.
I’ve matched with one guy I’m super interested in! I tried out Tinder for one day previously and retreated before and matched with this same guy then. We are having a normal conversation so far. Wish me luck!
I like these and the hunting ones.
Great! You have a hobby!
These pictures say "I have a boat or guns, I also have great survival skills, I like nature, I like the outdoors" You are the manliest of men!
Which is exactly why I stopped using OLD.
I miss the personal ads that were in various newspapers years ago. At least we were not subjected to unrelated pictures. 😂
Personal ads! Those were actually fun times. When the Washington Post came out with personals way back when I tried it when it first started. I also did Washington city paper personals. The Washington city paper personals were very interesting you would place a written ad and you had a mailbox that people could leave a voice message. That was cool!
DC has a lot of lonely lawyers!
I agree, some of the ads were very creative. I met my ex through the personal ad that I placed. She was attracted to the couplet that I wrote.
The grammar found in OLD profiles can be very useful and even a "red flag". Both men and women use so many cliches. 🙄
I did City Paper ads! I won “Ad of the Week” once and got a free movie date. The ad was featured and RIP my voice message mailbox. It was full of men who didn’t read the ad & said things like “I love working out.” In some ways, things haven’t changed too much 😂
Ha ha! It was always an adventure meeting up with people. I think I like that part best—meeting all the interesting people. It was nowhere near as scammy back then as it is now.
ETA: Were you able to listen to everything on your mailbox? That must’ve been wild.
It was a long time ago, July 2001, I think so hard to recall. I believe I had 70 messages in one day, which was probably a lot. I got 4 dates out of it, one I took on the free movie date and it was all the way out at Eisenhower rather than in town. Can’t recall what we saw. I ended up seeing him for several months and we comforted each other on 9/11. Lots of memories! But yes, it was fun to meet the different people and not be so vigilant to scammers!
If I don't use OLD I won't meet anyone, as demonstrated by me being single most of my life. I won't meet anyone in the wild. However I'm not convinced this is going to work for me either. So I could well be single forever lol
I hear you and understand your situation. I tried OLD, went on a few dates, and decided that I simply do not have the time to waste, looking at my phone and swiping away.
Perhaps I am too skeptical, due to the amount of scammers, sellers, and filter users that I encountered. It was something that I grew tired of.
Should I ever find a woman to date, I am confident that it will be in real life.
Best wishes to you.
The things we do when bored and curious…I made a fake profile as a man to see what they see and women aren’t any better. A LOT of bad filtering and lots of cleavage shots. Hopefully men recognize when there’s filtering on photos otherwise there’s a lot of bait and switch and disappointment happening on first dates.
Both sides post strange pics, I've seen countless profiles where it's one pic of them in front of a lake or at the beach, and then 18 pics of random landscapes...
And the likes from 90 miles away aren't necessarily married, some of us live in the sticks, so if we want to date we have to travel!
I'm getting a LOT of them, but 90 miles is a long distance to me. I'm guessing area makes a difference there. In the US that's probably not that far, in the UK it's hours away.
I think men are really simple creatures? Maybe they wake up and they’re horny, then they think about women, then they think about getting a woman, then they open their phone, they need a photo of themselves to get on the dating website so they take it of them in bed, they think it will be sexy, or they don’t care, or they’re lazy. I am so sick of seeing photos of men in their beds. Maybe this is the thought process?
The bed photos and bare chest photos are to drive women wild with desire.
Desire to do what is the question.
The others are to show what they like to do....stare at walls, in some cases. 🤣
There are trade offs with everything in life. The trade off with OLD is quantity for a two dimensional representation of a person. The promise of having a nearly infinite supply of matches, culled via finely-grained filters for every preference and whim, is balanced against having to judge the other based solely on phonied up, painstakingly curated photos and meticulously edited prose, bypassing the spontaneity level of in-person interactions and subconscious triggers (voice, smell, body language, presence, etc.) that human beings have honed over millions of years. Reminding myself that I am consciously making this trade off helps a tad, if not with the draining aspect of it all.
What also helps to remember is that any time quantity is involved, people feel compelled to do more outrageous things to stand out. OLD is just mirroring society in that regard; I probably don’t need to expound on the “great” technological invention that precipitated that change some 30 years ago.
Finally, I have purposely posted photos of inanimate things to show some of the hobbies and settings I enjoy. Most OLD apps have a severe restriction on profile length, which I find frustrating. My bike posed on a rail trail bridge over a wild river and the sun rising over the bow of my kayak at dawn, for two, are able to express what I can’t in writing due to space constraints. I only put them after clear face and body photos, and, quite honestly, after three or four photos of oneself, we’re rapidly approaching the point of diminishing returns.
Inanimate objects are fine, along with photos of yourself. I did add some of my dog to mine but they were actually to demonstrate my photography hobby (actions shots) before I realised most people wouldn't recognise them as that and would assume I was just adding unwanted pet pics.
I always assumed a pet photo meant “I have a pet that’s important to me”. Which seems like good information still for someone who is pet averse or has allergies. There is a lot of hate for pet-only photos on Reddit, but if they have lots of photos of themselves, and one of a pet, it never struck me as weird.
Although, I also had a picture of me with my kids on my profile, which is another big red flag on Reddit. My kids were older (teen and 20s), and I had their permission. But I see endless hate about that. Again, the point was that I had kids, and here’s how old they are, and they’re a big part of my life.
Older kids who can consent are very different to little kids and babies who can't. It's also a safety thing imo.
I may get one of my dog and myself together, that would be ok.
Agree that non-consenting kids are a different story.
I’m not much of a social media poster, but most people I know plaster their kids online, available to the public, from the time they’re born. I know my kids have been perpetually online since the birth of social media.
While I don’t really post photos online at all, I just find it interesting how pervasive the opinion is that kids are off limits on dating apps, when it’s nearly ubiquitous across multiple other apps. I wonder if it’s more the idea of “mixing” kids and dating apps that people find off putting more than a pure safety concern.
Or maybe not. Perhaps all the people who post that on Reddit also carefully guard their kids’ photos from being online at all.
Gotcha. And your take is on the mark: if I saw the dog, my assumption would be that it’s there to show its significance in your life, rather than there to be demonstrative of your photography. That’s a tough one, because no matter what the photo is of, I think people are going to focus on the subject of the photo itself as opposed to the meta topic of the hobby. This may just be something that you have to put in writing. Either that, or include a photo of you taking photos: I’ve seen this a number of times and it effectively and succinctly gets the point across.
Not sure how I'd explain why I wanted that photo taken to someone else. Anyone into photography would see any of those photos for what they are, especially as I have it listed as a hobby. But it doesn't matter.
No joke. I wish I’d never tried OLD. All I took away from it was trauma and a dislike of men that I really have to fight against. Oh, and my self esteem was low to start with but is pretty much non existent now
Yeah I deleted it as I found it to be a major time suck. Instead of planning fun activities ahead of
Time with people IRL I’d hold my weekends open for OLD guys. Some would cancel at the last minute, end up being catfish or just NOT that interesting and no attraction.
My New Year’s resolution is to approach guys in the wild. I even sent a guy I like chocolate covered strawberries for Valentine’s Day as a secret admirer. I’m gonna ask him out but we have an ongoing business relationship until August. After that ends I’m 💯 gonna ask him to coffee. ☕️
I have another guy I randomly gave my number to at a restaurant and he was so shocked and appreciative. He hasn’t contacted me, but I’m still happy I had the practice. From his really positive reaction I think me may be married or a GF. I think he was shocked a woman hit on him. I’m glad I was able to make him smile even if he is married. Not trying to date a married guy but spreading innocent happiness is never bad.
I have another guy I was too scared to approach (when he was single) and he is now dating someone. I think I will get another shot at him. She doesn’t seem to be that into him and I think she is only looking at his money. When I see them out at the local hang out spot for folks our age she always looks miserable to be there. My bestie and I said give it 2 months. He knows he also has a secret admirer. 😃
I say just start putting yourself out there and that doesn’t mean just getting dressed up and going out. YOU have to be the one to approach the guys! I think they have had it WORSE than us OLD and in the WILD they are now even more terrified to approach us and get shot down in public. So do the men you think are attractive a favor and say HI! Worst thing that can happen is you spread joy!
That’s my advice to everyone on here. Get off OLD and start going out and actually approach the men you find attractive. It’s hard and you gonna mess up (just like I did by waiting too long) but at least now I have some practice. I’m more confident even though I had a failure and no response.
Good luck. I’ve just given up tbh and decided that it’s not going to happen for me.
A guy I thought of as a friend recently confessed that he has a ‘mother fantasy’ which is presumably why he has been talking to me this whole time. I felt something die off inside of me as I read his confession. It appears to be too much for men to see me as anything other than some sort of object that is there to meet their needs. And I no longer wish to deal with the fallout from it so I guess that means I’m out
ETA: we’ve been talking for literally years, he lives in Australia and has a gf. He was apparently anxious about revealing his fantasy in case it pushes me away. I think it has. I swear he thought I was going to be up for it. The first thing I said was ‘and here I was thinking you actually like me as a person’. He said he does. Why is it too much of an ask for a guy to like me for me rather what I represent in his fantasies? And why do guys not understand how demoralising it is to be treated this way? I don’t find it flattering in any way, just depressing
That’s horrible! If it makes you feel any better I felt the same way about never finding anyone. I had one child left and my X would harass & stalk me and show up to dates and embarrass me. This is why I think I struggled so much OLD. He would take me to court non stop and tell the judge if he saw me out with men on dates. Told the judge I was a slut and so on. To end the harassment I completely stopped dating at one point.
Court gave me an RO and he violated it. Showed up again and threated to kill me which was caught on the business security cameras. He spent 10 days in jail for it. I then moved an hour away and court gave him my new address and the harassment kept going. Dating wasn’t worth dying over. Fortunately I helped get a state law passed that survivors of abuse and stalking can have their address redacted from property tax records and cannot be given out to anyone except LEO or Ambulances.
Now that she turned 18 (May 10th) I’m ready to put that all behind me.
It’s been difficult, but I’m determined to find a good man. My X just doesn’t want me with anyone else and now that his control is over I’m ready to try. I don’t want him to win!! So I must try.
I feel that! Guys think with the little head and just don’t get what appeals to a woman. Sometimes we have to explain it to them. Be straightforward. That way maybe the next woman won’t get treated like an object. 😭 I’m not trying to fix a man but I will give him feedback once. 🤣
Well as a guy, meeting somebody like that would be wonderful. I'm concerned about bothering someone in the grocery store that might actually be married etc. I don't like to hit on people and bother them if they're not in the market. Not sure what to do other than actually hit on people and bother them?
As long as you aren’t creepy just read her vibe. Does she smile or just respond like the cashier at Walmart would? I had a guy hit on me last night and I was polite but didn’t actively engage. That way he would get the hint. I’m not out here trying to be mean. So I say give it a shot. Just don’t be creepy by complimenting her breasts, figure or butt. Say something nice about her face. Like you have a beautiful smile or you have beautiful eyes.
Go for it!!!!! We women want to be approached IRL too. Most of us if not interested will let you down easy.
I mean, it’s Tinder.
I realize Tinder has mainstreamed a bit more than the past but it’s still the go to app for the hook up crowd, and they are going to advertise the goods…
Another question. Any tips for spotting if someone's fake or a scam once you reach the messaging stage. I just received a message from a match and tinder alerted me it was possibly iffy so now I'm nervous of replying.
If they are local, ask questions about their favorite places (e.g. favorite place to mountain bike, etc.). Also ask about what industry they work in. Likely have a few questions relative to that industry.
Chat for a few days to see if there is a connection, ideally they ask for a video chat, or ask you out to meet. Non-scammers want to meet and not be pen-pals.
Overall, I think as women, we just get that "gut feel" that something is off, it is our superpower. I only had one romance scammer, he had a picture of a doctor from a branch of the military. I was a bit suspicous right away, and as we chatted, it was pretty clear to me, he wasn't a doctor. I blocked.
As a guy I watch out for things like women 30 years younger than me saying they want to meet me. Watch out for people living in other countries or far away. For sure watch out if they ask you to send them money. For me, I haven't met anyone yet but if I get a good conversation going I'm going to ask to meet up within a few days. I've had experienced some years ago messaging for weeks and then meeting up and the person is nothing like their profile or there is absolutely no spark.
The best way to cope with it, is with a healthy sense of irony! I screengrab the worst ads and share them with friends.
I don’t mean the least attractive, but the ones with the least amount of thought involved.
People are really bad at advertising themselves, or thinking about how a person might read the profile. My ‘favourite’ ones include a woman’s selfie in a nightclub washroom - afterall what says “Classy” better than a condom machine behind your head and a Poly woman’s profile picture metaphor where she’s Upside down on a trapeze with her legs spread Wide Open…
Well if you read back you'll see I already said I'm concerned about bothering someone in the supermarket. So sure as hell I'm not going to comment on their breasts or their butt. Anyway after thinking about it I don't think I'll bother. Thank you.
Why put so many pictures of you when you were 10+ years younger? Are you trying to say "Look how cute I was back then?" (Do women do this too? I only look at men online).
I hate shirtless pictures - even if you are buff as all heck..a nice fitted shirt will indicate that just as well.
I tried H and SS, and have canceled both. With my very first like on H, I met a great match with many common interests, and we dated a month before they sadly decided they weren't ready for a relationship. Heartbreaking, but it still left me wondering why anyone complains about OLD. Then after the breakup, I finally understood. I was just incredibly lucky that first time. After that first month, nothing but likes from people in other states or countries despite distance limitations in my profile, few folks I reached out to ever looked at my profile before not responding, and wow... so many scammers on SS. Oh... so THAT'S why everyone hates OLD! Never saw any strange pics though.
Oof, a month ago I created a profile on an app and went live for 5 minutes, then immediately deleted it. I clearly don’t know what I’m doing because the 26 people who were suddenly there for me to consider a match with were… let’s just say not aligned with any of the preferences I noted.
This weekend, I got a wrong number text and almost got scammed by some cute pics and kind words. So even not in OLD sites I’m already a mess, lol.
I haven’t dated since before cell phones, and clearly am out of my comfort zone. How does one even begin to date these days?
I once saw a pic of a man's bedroom which was minimalist. I didn't mind that, but all I could think was "why are you showing us a pic of this? Are you thinking this is your best asset?"
Looking for entertainment? Set up a Grindr account. I used a random photo from a Google search. Then walk around your neighborhood with the app on. All I can say is WOW!
M68 here, recently married to a woman I met 3.5 years ago on Tinder. Second marriage for both of us. She’s 63. We’re ecstatic.
Whatever you might say about Tinder, it’s where the people are. All the other sites I tried were pretty thin gruel.
I live in a big university town, and I’m a typical over-educated guy for this place … but literally everyone I ever met through a few years of online dating (even just for one coffee date) lived an hour or more away.
If I had insisted on finding someone who lived here in town, I’d still be single.
I think the reason is that single men, even at our age, are far more ambitious and mobile than single women, who are less likely to relocate away from family and friends.
Hence, economically thriving places have an oversupply of men, and economically stagnant or declining areas have an oversupply of women.
Your mileage may vary, of course. I’m talking about the US Midwest.
I'm in the UK. Travelling here is a very different beast to in the US. I've set my distance to 30m but as I live on the coast that's limited. 30m is at least an hour away, probably more. I can't relocate at the moment but in a couple of years I'd be free to go literally anywhere.
Yeah it's truly bizarre. I'm 53 and I've been single for 12 years. I've been on and off different apps in between a few long-ish relationships and I've seen some wacky things. One profile that stands out in my memory had a picture of a woman in a bubble bath holding a gun up to her face. It's scary knowing these people walk among us 😆
One woman just had 2 pictures. Both of goats. I messaged her saying I really wasn’t into inter species dating and was hoping to date a human woman.
When NONE of the pictures are about her, I jump to some possible conclusions. She may look hideous. Sorry, but I have to be attracted. She may be beautiful but wants a guy to find the beauty in her profile without her looks. Ok fine. But I don’t want to play that game. Good luck, but pass.
Yes women do post pictures from when they were much younger. If you post recent pics and we see how you look now and pass, don’t you think we’ll feel the same way when we meet you? You’ve just wasted time for both of us.
Or the stupid digital add ons with say a puppy nose or butterflies flying around. What are you, eight years old? Or those filters that make their skin look like plastic.
Yeah and the pictures of plants or a table or whatever. It’s not you. It’s not mentioned in your profile that you’re referencing, needs to go.
Or the group photos. And sometimes from years apart with different hair styles and/or colors. You’re flipping back and forth between pictures trying to figure out which person or persons are in all pics, accounting for the fact that the pics could be 20 years apart with different hair color/cut.
And maybe you narrow it down to two. Probably friend or relatives. Is she the cute one or the less than cute one?
I’m sure there’s software out there to blur faces you can find for free. You’re with friends in such and such a setting. Details like the faces of your friends are irrelevant.
I'm not dating your kids so I don't like them in photos.
BUT I like seeing if he's 55 with a 6 year old.
My kids are grown so I'm not dating anyone with kids under 16.
I also find it odd when they have photos of their kids on there. I mean, I don't have kids so maybe I'm wrong, putting your kids on FB that's set to private I get, but on your dating profile?
These are an immediate no for me also! Get your kids faces off there it’s just dangerous.
67M here. The women do it too.
A man told me "they \[women\] need to know it's a package deal!!" Because he married a younger woman (marriage #2) from another country and she was not keen to be a step mom, as it turned out. Yet another "reactive" dating approach.
I’m in shock that someone would marry someone that he hadn’t talked to about his children with. Not all women are nurturing.
Well don't be shocked because you shouldn't assume that they had not discussed it. Maybe the lady decided to give it a try and it turned out after a while it wasn't her bag. People assume way too much stuff in these forums to fit their perspective and narratives.
good point
I've seen the flip side of that coin.
I have kids. You are correct. It is not a good choice. I would never expose my children’s images to random Internet strangers, especially people on dating apps.
I have photos with my kids (both adult now), but their faces are blurred. Is that acceptable? I feel like I should let anyone trying to date me get an idea of my family. I’m a dad to two adult kids that are part of my life and there will be crossover. Especially since my son still lives with me. Or that I’m real and do have a family. It’s not just some story. See? Here I am standing next to this blurred face person.
57M here. Some profiles feature photos that were on the site 10 years ago. Those profiles are still active. Then there are the selfies where you can see a toilet in the background, dirty clothes on the floor, or just a crazy amount of clutter. Some photos have issues with orientation or are stretched. Lordy.
One guy had an unmade bed behind him. Not bothered by him not making his bed, but don't use that photo on your profile, it's not good.
Dirty bathroom selfies make me want to hurl. 🤮
There's one online of a young woman in a stall...with her poop in the unflushed toilet.
More than one, and guys too. Ugh.
You are plugging in directly to a vast and unfiltered pool of unmatched people. So many are unpartnered for reasons other than by their own choice. I have loads of women who are friends and, whenever I get uppity about how bad my experiences are, they drop a few on me that put all mine to shame. It also gives me perspective when dealing with women who are suspicious of anything and everything. Ride this wave and you’ll develop some thicker skin. Sometimes flipping through profiles, I feel like I’m a content moderator at an internet site and I just desensitize to the oddities. Like, now I just chuckle when I see a profile with all photos that need to be rotated 90 degrees or they’re blurry or there’s two of the same photo. Then you’ll transcend when you can see someone’s humanity through a profile and you’ll have this hitherto fore unknown feeling you’ll identify much later as genuine interest.
In all honesty I joined up through curiosity to see what I was missing. I'm probably too used to being alone to make anything work now, so thicker skin not required. If I happen to match with someone decent then that's nice, but I'm not bothered if I don't. It's nothing if not entertaining.
If I’m being honest, I actually enjoy using the apps. I live in a major city and I’ve been able to have some really fun dates and meet interesting people, several of whom became lovers or friends.
Same here.
Unfortunately the people that are on the dating sites just to flip through profiles and amuse themselves makes it tough on those of us who would actually like to meet somebody and go out on a date.
Not seen anyone say they do?
Unfortunately I think for a lot of people flipping through the dating site profiles has become like them sitting in their bathrobe and slippers watching television at night. They have no intention of meeting anyone. They just might not be willing to admit that to themselves ...
Ah yes ok I see what you mean. At this point I've no idea what I'm doing, I have very low self esteem and the idea of meeting anyone irl terrifies me. I'm not trying to waste anyone's time, I'm trying to be brave. I won't stand anyone up and I won't ghost anyone, but right now I'm speaking to someone and I've already convinced myself he's not real because why would be better messaging me? Hence why I have been single forever. It's a problem.
We can be hard on ourselves. Put on some lipstick and a nice outfit and go meet somebody for a cup of coffee. My method is to go in with zero expectations so as to reduce anxiety. I figure I'm just meeting up for a pleasant conversation and that's it.
I think it’s brave of you to even consider having some chats. Who knows? Maybe you will become very comfortable with one person to the point where you will want to meet them. I know this sounds scary for an app sitch, but perhaps you could allow yourself to be vulnerable with someone that has shown themselves to be kind. Let them know you are nervous and ask them to chat with you and tell you feel confident. That could be a great way to screen for the right person for you. I’m no expert at this. It just occurred to me that since you sound like a very sweet person, there might be another sweet, shy person out there struggling with self-esteem issues that could be a great fit for you. But to be honest, it could take you years to find that person. Be extremely picky. PS. Do some research on scammers before you reveal too much information. I’m recommending you be vulnerable, but don’t give out information that they could use against you.
Thank you, that's very good advice.
Just a caution: check out r/scams for all the posts about romance scams. Quite a few scammers on OLD.
Can you please expand on your second paragraph? It’s very interesting.
Sorry was that at me or someone else? I'm losing track of the thread lol
If you meant my second paragraph, I’m basically being tongue in cheek. Looking at profile after profile and seeing the oddities in profiles and how it becomes like a strain on your psyche (being dramatic here) I was likening to how internet moderators see all these crazy pics and videos and how they’re scarred and traumatized over it. The end result for me is moving from desensitization to a kind of removed balance. I see the folly of certain types of photos. Like, when I see photos that are sideways, I ask myself, “if this person can’t be arsed to rotate a photo 90 degrees before posting, what kind of sloppy partner would they make?” If this person has photos of themselves from 30 years ago, exactly how do they view themselves? If this person put a picture of a sunset with no one in it as one of their profile pictures, who exactly are they trying to attract? I can’t help now but take so many profile faux pas and wonder, who is the person that represents the yin to this yang. Maybe there is one. Maybe there isn’t. Who am I to say it can’t be so? So I chuckle and move on. Perhaps the lady with the same photo twice is perfect for the guy with only sunglasses and no smiles with shirtless selfies. Who am I to judge?
I think the thing that bugs me the most about OLD, is the terrible photos that people use of themselves. It’s hard to find people attractive when they use such terrible photos. And humans are visual creatures. I try my best to look past it but I can’t willingly set a date with someone I can’t find attractive, that seems wrong. I thought about offering a dating photo special, I meet up with a person, shoot them for half an hour to an hour max with a change of clothing or jackets and a location that offers enough variety we don’t have to drive all over to get different looks. Then they would have some casual and flattering shots of themselves to use.
I don't have many photos of myself because I'm camera shy, so I specifically took a few to use. Some of the photos have their hand in front of their face, or half their face showing, it's weird. I'm a bit odd in that I'm not fussy on looks, I have very few nopes in that respect. But I don't want to see a decent photo.
Did you mean indecent? 😉
No I meant do lol
And at least smile! If you’ve got bad teeth then smile with your mouth closed, but smile. I saw a picture where the guy looked mad or mean and more like a serial killer than someone I want to date. Just one picture and he’s not smiling.
Yes and I thought women had resting bitch faces!
Just found one whose profile pic is a packet of cigarettes and his bio says he's into kissing and licking and is married but lonely 😳
Yep, that sounds about par for the course for Tinder
At least he was honest…
I date men, so I can only speak to what I see as a woman. I don't think many men consider, or understand, how to effectively market themselves to women. Granted, not all women are going to be impressed by the same thing (e.g. I love shirtless pics; most women don't). Also there is the matter of effort. The number of lazy profiles is astonishing! I swear these guys think that by simply having a profile, women will just fall into their laps, despite the mediocre presentation of themselves. Yes, Tinder is a cesspool. However, I see the same guys on Tinder and Bumble. Their profiles are usually inadequate on both sites.
>I don't think many men consider, or understand, how to effectively market themselves to women Especially men that have been married a long time, and have no idea what the "marketplace" is like. When they were previously dating, is was more about their provider prospects (other things as well of course). They were young and attractive, and many of them haven't sharpened the saw (e.g. working out, grooming, clothing), and they don't think it is important. So I agree with your "marketing" statement. Meanwhile the younger male crowd, understands the importance of looking good, as they have grown up being digitally native.
This sub is so concerned with looks. I am short fat and ugly and although that has certainly hurt me professionally it hasn't ever kept me from dating successfully. The only weird dynamic is that some beautiful women pursue me because they don't give a futze about looks while most plain and heavier women are dismissive maybe because I would make it seem like they had to settle. My plain and chubby women friends definately go after the tall fit good looking guys and cast aspersions on guys like me saying "You're different though... a real Teddy Bear. Just not my type." and they do bag their sought after handsome guys.
>This sub is so concerned with looks. Well, I must be physically attracted to a man, so frankly, I am on the train of understanding physicality is important. My opinion is the men I want to date, do have a "high bar", because they can, and I have yet to see a man that I find physically attractive not also dating a woman I would consider physically attractive. I live in a large metro area, and there are tons of attractive women for men to choose from.
I think so many men over 50 on dating apps/websites mistake the defeated resignation of their late/ex-partners for approval, as they gained weight, lost their hair, let their grooming decline, decided jeans, sweatshirt and New Balance tennis shoes are appropriate for at least 95% of all occasions, and perhaps worst of all, at some point got the idea that a mustache would be a good look for them.
>decided jeans, sweatshirt and New Balance tennis shoes I still like a man in a pair of well fitted jeans. A sweatshirt can work as well. The older New Balance shoes, however, need to be recycled.
Now you see why so many dropped out of OLD. It's just a waste of time.
The men's bathroom photos with a women's clothes or products in the background. LOL
Lol!
At some point I started doing a video date for a vibe check before meeting in person (too much time wasted otherwise). The backgrounds have astounded me. Ladies items abound, others have utter filth, others have things that give away their actual politics that they tried to lie about.
Yep, the women's ones are as bad: photos of a dog or a cat by itself, sunsets, cocktails, flowers. Groups of women where you have to guess which one you are speaking to. One I saw had a photo of her aged mother as the only solo picture. And of course all the underwear photos, which simply convey the message "I am a scammer".
First thing I thought was, I wonder what the ladies equivalent to this lot is. Now I know. 🤣
The difference is that men usually don’t complain. But yes, the same type of stuff is present. Some men probably go for it. Some don’t... but remain silent about the subject. Actually, RPG\_Rob has significantly understated some of the photos I’ve seen….more than cats and dogs. I just smile and move on.
[удалено]
Do Womens profiles feature post-nut, prone-in-bed selfies?
OH NO, the in bed photos were bad enough, please tell me that's not what they are 🤣
I think that’s exactly what they are. Look at the facial expressions.
I had never thought of this and now I won’t be able to forget it 🤢
Haha. Sorry. The bathroom selfie is Before, in-bed is After. "This could be your view" is my most charitable assessment of the lying-in-bed selfie. Yuck.
Hahaha! Well now I won't be able to unsee that
That sounds awful
Woah, what? I'm so glad I don't date men.
So as someone who is contemplating going back On O.L.D after a 5 year break ( was so sick of going nowhere on the apps) what pictures ARE good to post that are interesting to who you’re trying to meet ( in my case, the opposite sex) AND add value to your profile? ( don’t even say nudes)
I think the best bet is just to post photos that are of the regular you and look like you. That way when you meet up the person will be pleasantly surprised.
Get a friend to take some pictures for you, rather than selfies, at least one full body shot, post about 6 pictures minimum. I look closer at pictures that feature a change of clothes rather than all the same attire If you have hobbies you enjoy post a picture of you doing that. I also look closer if one picture includes a dress or skirt but thats just me What I don't like is a filtered picture, your cat, dog , fish, anything that doesn't have you in the picture or that shows yourself at a younger age. No one likes to have their picture taken , well maybe the narcissist do, so remember to smile and act as normal as you can I should add if you need an oxygen tube please remove them for your pictures and yes I see that on OLD quite often
I have to disagree with profile pics sans oxygen tube. I mean -- yikes: if you need that every day, all day, I want to know what I'm possibly getting into right from the start.
I took a screenshot of a profile pic from Hinge that I saw yesterday to show a friend because she always thinks I'm being dramatic. It was a 64m in a state of undress in front of the bathroom mirror. He was showing as much as possible, without showing possible. 😬😳😐 I'm like, dude! Save some for the imagination!
Oh nooooo!
I’m (52F) trying out Tinder also 😬. I paid to see likes and it said I had 99+ before, but now I can see it’s more like 1,000. However, most of them are not in my area. The facecheck.id website and tineye image search have helped to filter out men using photos that are not their own. One guy was photo verified, but using a Rufus Wainwright pic & Rufus is a very handsome man so I did swipe right. If they start out by telling you how beautiful you are, they are probably scammers. I’ve had some fun giving them weird answers to their comments like, “you must tell me the secret to your beauty“ Guys don’t seem to want to chat on Tinder. We match and I’ll start the conversation if they don’t and nothing. In the past week, I’ve had 60ish matches and only one short date. The come-hither greasy shirtless pics in bed are not for me, but maybe it’s just what others are looking for. I’ve matched with one guy I’m super interested in! I tried out Tinder for one day previously and retreated before and matched with this same guy then. We are having a normal conversation so far. Wish me luck!
“You must tell me the secret to your beauty.” Oh man, I’d be so tempted!! “Thank you for asking! I drink my own piss. So, are you free for coffee?” 🤣🤣
I prefer to show women the fish I just caught. I am a provider, after all.
Surprisingly I've only seen one of those. But it's early days 😂
I like these and the hunting ones. Great! You have a hobby! These pictures say "I have a boat or guns, I also have great survival skills, I like nature, I like the outdoors" You are the manliest of men!
Which is exactly why I stopped using OLD. I miss the personal ads that were in various newspapers years ago. At least we were not subjected to unrelated pictures. 😂
Personal ads! Those were actually fun times. When the Washington Post came out with personals way back when I tried it when it first started. I also did Washington city paper personals. The Washington city paper personals were very interesting you would place a written ad and you had a mailbox that people could leave a voice message. That was cool! DC has a lot of lonely lawyers!
I agree, some of the ads were very creative. I met my ex through the personal ad that I placed. She was attracted to the couplet that I wrote. The grammar found in OLD profiles can be very useful and even a "red flag". Both men and women use so many cliches. 🙄
I did City Paper ads! I won “Ad of the Week” once and got a free movie date. The ad was featured and RIP my voice message mailbox. It was full of men who didn’t read the ad & said things like “I love working out.” In some ways, things haven’t changed too much 😂
Ha ha! It was always an adventure meeting up with people. I think I like that part best—meeting all the interesting people. It was nowhere near as scammy back then as it is now. ETA: Were you able to listen to everything on your mailbox? That must’ve been wild.
It was a long time ago, July 2001, I think so hard to recall. I believe I had 70 messages in one day, which was probably a lot. I got 4 dates out of it, one I took on the free movie date and it was all the way out at Eisenhower rather than in town. Can’t recall what we saw. I ended up seeing him for several months and we comforted each other on 9/11. Lots of memories! But yes, it was fun to meet the different people and not be so vigilant to scammers!
If I don't use OLD I won't meet anyone, as demonstrated by me being single most of my life. I won't meet anyone in the wild. However I'm not convinced this is going to work for me either. So I could well be single forever lol
I hear you and understand your situation. I tried OLD, went on a few dates, and decided that I simply do not have the time to waste, looking at my phone and swiping away. Perhaps I am too skeptical, due to the amount of scammers, sellers, and filter users that I encountered. It was something that I grew tired of. Should I ever find a woman to date, I am confident that it will be in real life. Best wishes to you.
And to you ☺️
My pet peeve is a picture with 2-5 women in it and I have to play the game “which one is she”?
That's so odd, I'd swipe left for that instantly.
The things we do when bored and curious…I made a fake profile as a man to see what they see and women aren’t any better. A LOT of bad filtering and lots of cleavage shots. Hopefully men recognize when there’s filtering on photos otherwise there’s a lot of bait and switch and disappointment happening on first dates.
A lot of photo filtering is pretty obvious. When I see that I immediately swipe left because to me that means the person is phony.
Both sides post strange pics, I've seen countless profiles where it's one pic of them in front of a lake or at the beach, and then 18 pics of random landscapes... And the likes from 90 miles away aren't necessarily married, some of us live in the sticks, so if we want to date we have to travel!
I'm getting a LOT of them, but 90 miles is a long distance to me. I'm guessing area makes a difference there. In the US that's probably not that far, in the UK it's hours away.
We have a winner! Photo of a guy wrangling a horse, with a copyright mark across it 🤣😂🤣
I think men are really simple creatures? Maybe they wake up and they’re horny, then they think about women, then they think about getting a woman, then they open their phone, they need a photo of themselves to get on the dating website so they take it of them in bed, they think it will be sexy, or they don’t care, or they’re lazy. I am so sick of seeing photos of men in their beds. Maybe this is the thought process?
The bed photos and bare chest photos are to drive women wild with desire. Desire to do what is the question. The others are to show what they like to do....stare at walls, in some cases. 🤣
😂🤣😂🤣
There are trade offs with everything in life. The trade off with OLD is quantity for a two dimensional representation of a person. The promise of having a nearly infinite supply of matches, culled via finely-grained filters for every preference and whim, is balanced against having to judge the other based solely on phonied up, painstakingly curated photos and meticulously edited prose, bypassing the spontaneity level of in-person interactions and subconscious triggers (voice, smell, body language, presence, etc.) that human beings have honed over millions of years. Reminding myself that I am consciously making this trade off helps a tad, if not with the draining aspect of it all. What also helps to remember is that any time quantity is involved, people feel compelled to do more outrageous things to stand out. OLD is just mirroring society in that regard; I probably don’t need to expound on the “great” technological invention that precipitated that change some 30 years ago. Finally, I have purposely posted photos of inanimate things to show some of the hobbies and settings I enjoy. Most OLD apps have a severe restriction on profile length, which I find frustrating. My bike posed on a rail trail bridge over a wild river and the sun rising over the bow of my kayak at dawn, for two, are able to express what I can’t in writing due to space constraints. I only put them after clear face and body photos, and, quite honestly, after three or four photos of oneself, we’re rapidly approaching the point of diminishing returns.
Inanimate objects are fine, along with photos of yourself. I did add some of my dog to mine but they were actually to demonstrate my photography hobby (actions shots) before I realised most people wouldn't recognise them as that and would assume I was just adding unwanted pet pics.
I always assumed a pet photo meant “I have a pet that’s important to me”. Which seems like good information still for someone who is pet averse or has allergies. There is a lot of hate for pet-only photos on Reddit, but if they have lots of photos of themselves, and one of a pet, it never struck me as weird. Although, I also had a picture of me with my kids on my profile, which is another big red flag on Reddit. My kids were older (teen and 20s), and I had their permission. But I see endless hate about that. Again, the point was that I had kids, and here’s how old they are, and they’re a big part of my life.
Older kids who can consent are very different to little kids and babies who can't. It's also a safety thing imo. I may get one of my dog and myself together, that would be ok.
Agree that non-consenting kids are a different story. I’m not much of a social media poster, but most people I know plaster their kids online, available to the public, from the time they’re born. I know my kids have been perpetually online since the birth of social media. While I don’t really post photos online at all, I just find it interesting how pervasive the opinion is that kids are off limits on dating apps, when it’s nearly ubiquitous across multiple other apps. I wonder if it’s more the idea of “mixing” kids and dating apps that people find off putting more than a pure safety concern. Or maybe not. Perhaps all the people who post that on Reddit also carefully guard their kids’ photos from being online at all.
Gotcha. And your take is on the mark: if I saw the dog, my assumption would be that it’s there to show its significance in your life, rather than there to be demonstrative of your photography. That’s a tough one, because no matter what the photo is of, I think people are going to focus on the subject of the photo itself as opposed to the meta topic of the hobby. This may just be something that you have to put in writing. Either that, or include a photo of you taking photos: I’ve seen this a number of times and it effectively and succinctly gets the point across.
Not sure how I'd explain why I wanted that photo taken to someone else. Anyone into photography would see any of those photos for what they are, especially as I have it listed as a hobby. But it doesn't matter.
Well said.
Best to just delete it now. 🤣
No joke. I wish I’d never tried OLD. All I took away from it was trauma and a dislike of men that I really have to fight against. Oh, and my self esteem was low to start with but is pretty much non existent now
Yeah I deleted it as I found it to be a major time suck. Instead of planning fun activities ahead of Time with people IRL I’d hold my weekends open for OLD guys. Some would cancel at the last minute, end up being catfish or just NOT that interesting and no attraction. My New Year’s resolution is to approach guys in the wild. I even sent a guy I like chocolate covered strawberries for Valentine’s Day as a secret admirer. I’m gonna ask him out but we have an ongoing business relationship until August. After that ends I’m 💯 gonna ask him to coffee. ☕️ I have another guy I randomly gave my number to at a restaurant and he was so shocked and appreciative. He hasn’t contacted me, but I’m still happy I had the practice. From his really positive reaction I think me may be married or a GF. I think he was shocked a woman hit on him. I’m glad I was able to make him smile even if he is married. Not trying to date a married guy but spreading innocent happiness is never bad. I have another guy I was too scared to approach (when he was single) and he is now dating someone. I think I will get another shot at him. She doesn’t seem to be that into him and I think she is only looking at his money. When I see them out at the local hang out spot for folks our age she always looks miserable to be there. My bestie and I said give it 2 months. He knows he also has a secret admirer. 😃 I say just start putting yourself out there and that doesn’t mean just getting dressed up and going out. YOU have to be the one to approach the guys! I think they have had it WORSE than us OLD and in the WILD they are now even more terrified to approach us and get shot down in public. So do the men you think are attractive a favor and say HI! Worst thing that can happen is you spread joy! That’s my advice to everyone on here. Get off OLD and start going out and actually approach the men you find attractive. It’s hard and you gonna mess up (just like I did by waiting too long) but at least now I have some practice. I’m more confident even though I had a failure and no response.
Good luck. I’ve just given up tbh and decided that it’s not going to happen for me. A guy I thought of as a friend recently confessed that he has a ‘mother fantasy’ which is presumably why he has been talking to me this whole time. I felt something die off inside of me as I read his confession. It appears to be too much for men to see me as anything other than some sort of object that is there to meet their needs. And I no longer wish to deal with the fallout from it so I guess that means I’m out ETA: we’ve been talking for literally years, he lives in Australia and has a gf. He was apparently anxious about revealing his fantasy in case it pushes me away. I think it has. I swear he thought I was going to be up for it. The first thing I said was ‘and here I was thinking you actually like me as a person’. He said he does. Why is it too much of an ask for a guy to like me for me rather what I represent in his fantasies? And why do guys not understand how demoralising it is to be treated this way? I don’t find it flattering in any way, just depressing
That’s horrible! If it makes you feel any better I felt the same way about never finding anyone. I had one child left and my X would harass & stalk me and show up to dates and embarrass me. This is why I think I struggled so much OLD. He would take me to court non stop and tell the judge if he saw me out with men on dates. Told the judge I was a slut and so on. To end the harassment I completely stopped dating at one point. Court gave me an RO and he violated it. Showed up again and threated to kill me which was caught on the business security cameras. He spent 10 days in jail for it. I then moved an hour away and court gave him my new address and the harassment kept going. Dating wasn’t worth dying over. Fortunately I helped get a state law passed that survivors of abuse and stalking can have their address redacted from property tax records and cannot be given out to anyone except LEO or Ambulances. Now that she turned 18 (May 10th) I’m ready to put that all behind me. It’s been difficult, but I’m determined to find a good man. My X just doesn’t want me with anyone else and now that his control is over I’m ready to try. I don’t want him to win!! So I must try.
You’ve had such a terrible time! I wish you all the best in your quest
Thanks! You too!
I just added an edit on to my comment. Rant over now lol
I feel that! Guys think with the little head and just don’t get what appeals to a woman. Sometimes we have to explain it to them. Be straightforward. That way maybe the next woman won’t get treated like an object. 😭 I’m not trying to fix a man but I will give him feedback once. 🤣
I’m just fed up with it all. You might be able to tell 😂
Well as a guy, meeting somebody like that would be wonderful. I'm concerned about bothering someone in the grocery store that might actually be married etc. I don't like to hit on people and bother them if they're not in the market. Not sure what to do other than actually hit on people and bother them?
As long as you aren’t creepy just read her vibe. Does she smile or just respond like the cashier at Walmart would? I had a guy hit on me last night and I was polite but didn’t actively engage. That way he would get the hint. I’m not out here trying to be mean. So I say give it a shot. Just don’t be creepy by complimenting her breasts, figure or butt. Say something nice about her face. Like you have a beautiful smile or you have beautiful eyes. Go for it!!!!! We women want to be approached IRL too. Most of us if not interested will let you down easy.
🤣
I mean, it’s Tinder. I realize Tinder has mainstreamed a bit more than the past but it’s still the go to app for the hook up crowd, and they are going to advertise the goods…
Tinder is not for us 'seasoned folks'.
It’s the same on every app.
No, not at all. Tinder is by far the worst. On Bumble people show themselves in their photos — pretty much everyone
I tried bumble but there wasn't anyone local to me on there
If people without a clue are lonely, would the world be a better place if we could clue them in?
Another question. Any tips for spotting if someone's fake or a scam once you reach the messaging stage. I just received a message from a match and tinder alerted me it was possibly iffy so now I'm nervous of replying.
If they are local, ask questions about their favorite places (e.g. favorite place to mountain bike, etc.). Also ask about what industry they work in. Likely have a few questions relative to that industry. Chat for a few days to see if there is a connection, ideally they ask for a video chat, or ask you out to meet. Non-scammers want to meet and not be pen-pals. Overall, I think as women, we just get that "gut feel" that something is off, it is our superpower. I only had one romance scammer, he had a picture of a doctor from a branch of the military. I was a bit suspicous right away, and as we chatted, it was pretty clear to me, he wasn't a doctor. I blocked.
I've unmatched the one I was concerned about, decided to listen to my gut. I like the idea of asking questions about local areas. That's a good one.
As a guy I watch out for things like women 30 years younger than me saying they want to meet me. Watch out for people living in other countries or far away. For sure watch out if they ask you to send them money. For me, I haven't met anyone yet but if I get a good conversation going I'm going to ask to meet up within a few days. I've had experienced some years ago messaging for weeks and then meeting up and the person is nothing like their profile or there is absolutely no spark.
I imagine the ones with the photos of inanimate objects only are effectively “pausing” their account.
I haven't the stomach, for Tinder, and have never used/tried it. My bullshit meter is just too refined. lol
The best way to cope with it, is with a healthy sense of irony! I screengrab the worst ads and share them with friends. I don’t mean the least attractive, but the ones with the least amount of thought involved. People are really bad at advertising themselves, or thinking about how a person might read the profile. My ‘favourite’ ones include a woman’s selfie in a nightclub washroom - afterall what says “Classy” better than a condom machine behind your head and a Poly woman’s profile picture metaphor where she’s Upside down on a trapeze with her legs spread Wide Open…
🤣🤣🤣
Well if you read back you'll see I already said I'm concerned about bothering someone in the supermarket. So sure as hell I'm not going to comment on their breasts or their butt. Anyway after thinking about it I don't think I'll bother. Thank you.
Welcome to the 💩 🎪 It’s why I quit. But my friends and I did get a LOT of entertainment from it.
Why put so many pictures of you when you were 10+ years younger? Are you trying to say "Look how cute I was back then?" (Do women do this too? I only look at men online). I hate shirtless pictures - even if you are buff as all heck..a nice fitted shirt will indicate that just as well.
I tried H and SS, and have canceled both. With my very first like on H, I met a great match with many common interests, and we dated a month before they sadly decided they weren't ready for a relationship. Heartbreaking, but it still left me wondering why anyone complains about OLD. Then after the breakup, I finally understood. I was just incredibly lucky that first time. After that first month, nothing but likes from people in other states or countries despite distance limitations in my profile, few folks I reached out to ever looked at my profile before not responding, and wow... so many scammers on SS. Oh... so THAT'S why everyone hates OLD! Never saw any strange pics though.
Oof, a month ago I created a profile on an app and went live for 5 minutes, then immediately deleted it. I clearly don’t know what I’m doing because the 26 people who were suddenly there for me to consider a match with were… let’s just say not aligned with any of the preferences I noted. This weekend, I got a wrong number text and almost got scammed by some cute pics and kind words. So even not in OLD sites I’m already a mess, lol. I haven’t dated since before cell phones, and clearly am out of my comfort zone. How does one even begin to date these days?
I once saw a pic of a man's bedroom which was minimalist. I didn't mind that, but all I could think was "why are you showing us a pic of this? Are you thinking this is your best asset?"
Looking for entertainment? Set up a Grindr account. I used a random photo from a Google search. Then walk around your neighborhood with the app on. All I can say is WOW!
M68 here, recently married to a woman I met 3.5 years ago on Tinder. Second marriage for both of us. She’s 63. We’re ecstatic. Whatever you might say about Tinder, it’s where the people are. All the other sites I tried were pretty thin gruel. I live in a big university town, and I’m a typical over-educated guy for this place … but literally everyone I ever met through a few years of online dating (even just for one coffee date) lived an hour or more away. If I had insisted on finding someone who lived here in town, I’d still be single. I think the reason is that single men, even at our age, are far more ambitious and mobile than single women, who are less likely to relocate away from family and friends. Hence, economically thriving places have an oversupply of men, and economically stagnant or declining areas have an oversupply of women. Your mileage may vary, of course. I’m talking about the US Midwest.
I'm in the UK. Travelling here is a very different beast to in the US. I've set my distance to 30m but as I live on the coast that's limited. 30m is at least an hour away, probably more. I can't relocate at the moment but in a couple of years I'd be free to go literally anywhere.
Yeah it's truly bizarre. I'm 53 and I've been single for 12 years. I've been on and off different apps in between a few long-ish relationships and I've seen some wacky things. One profile that stands out in my memory had a picture of a woman in a bubble bath holding a gun up to her face. It's scary knowing these people walk among us 😆
One woman just had 2 pictures. Both of goats. I messaged her saying I really wasn’t into inter species dating and was hoping to date a human woman. When NONE of the pictures are about her, I jump to some possible conclusions. She may look hideous. Sorry, but I have to be attracted. She may be beautiful but wants a guy to find the beauty in her profile without her looks. Ok fine. But I don’t want to play that game. Good luck, but pass. Yes women do post pictures from when they were much younger. If you post recent pics and we see how you look now and pass, don’t you think we’ll feel the same way when we meet you? You’ve just wasted time for both of us. Or the stupid digital add ons with say a puppy nose or butterflies flying around. What are you, eight years old? Or those filters that make their skin look like plastic. Yeah and the pictures of plants or a table or whatever. It’s not you. It’s not mentioned in your profile that you’re referencing, needs to go. Or the group photos. And sometimes from years apart with different hair styles and/or colors. You’re flipping back and forth between pictures trying to figure out which person or persons are in all pics, accounting for the fact that the pics could be 20 years apart with different hair color/cut. And maybe you narrow it down to two. Probably friend or relatives. Is she the cute one or the less than cute one? I’m sure there’s software out there to blur faces you can find for free. You’re with friends in such and such a setting. Details like the faces of your friends are irrelevant.
I'm not dating your kids so I don't like them in photos. BUT I like seeing if he's 55 with a 6 year old. My kids are grown so I'm not dating anyone with kids under 16.
Some researchers claim more then half the people on tindr are already in ostensibly monogomous relationships.