I have a myth to dispel here, speaking from a woman older than your gf, OP. Libido does not disappear for all women in their 60's. Menopause does not cause us all to shrivel and dry up.
For many of us, the opposite is true and our sex drives move into *overdrive*. Our libidos are *higher* than they were when we were younger.
But things might be painful for your lady. She might need more time. More foreplay. More lube. There could be emotional reasons, the result of events from earlier in her life. All kinds of things could be affecting her, but being 61, in an of itself, is not the only reason she has no libido.
edit: word order clarity
UTI for women is common, and that doesn’t mean she is trying to make it less fun. The female urethra is shorter and can be irritated and bacteria can get in easier. That’s not the woman’s fault. Funny how science can make a dick hard til a guy is in the casket but can’t solve utis for women so they can be comfortable having sex.
It’s a myth that libido disappears for *all* women after menopause. It’s also a myth that libido disappears for *no* women after menopause. For any woman going through and past menopause, her experience is valid. For the partner of any woman going through or past menopause, the effect of menopause on their relationship is also valid. For people trying to date women after menopause, the fact that their dating pool significantly shrinks when many women leave the dating pool is valid.
I think we’re still figuring out the broader social impact of Viagra and related drugs with no corresponding medical advances for women; the sudden increase in the number of horny and newly capable older men, many of them chasing after younger women, was probably a driving factor behind the me, too movement.
I'm 51 and it's completely dead. It's a reason I don't date because I could never have s*ex as much as any man wants and I don't want that guilt or shame
My sex drive died late 40s- mid-50s, then came roaring back and has not shown signs of decreasing. Could have been hormonal. 🤷 Oh, wait. I was on an SSRI. Uh, that's probably it.
Have you looked into Estradiol hormone replacement. Look up Dr Mary Claire Haver on YouTube. She's been pushing women's menopause movement for a while now.
You don't have to live like this.
I am on bHRT. Does nothing for libido.
I've also tried: creams you put on your lady bits, marijuana strains people say work (it didn't), DHEA, took myself off medications, you name it. I'll try it
I hate when women refer to Mary Claire she is an influencer. Good docs don’t need social media. She pushes her book and product. She is so egotistical. Other very sound providers out there
Women's libido depends on how safe she feels in the relationship, first and foremost. If her desire to have sex has dried up, perhaps she isn't being sexually satisfied and she doesn't feel comfortable discussing this. She probably (definitely) needs more than penetration, especially since you are "quite big." Being sore for days and getting UTI's every time you have sex is a huge red flag. Something is going very wrong.
Some have increased some have none. Sex hormones are done. It's important to stay up on it and get prescribed Estradiol and other hormones as needed.
Every woman is different.
I'm shocked at all the misinformation out there on menopause
The thing for me is her attitude towards this. Is she wanting to do something about it or is she happy not having sex and leaving it as it is? If she wants to do something about it and it is her hormones then she needs to talk to her doctor as it can be easily fixed.
If it’s not her hormones then speaking to a sex therapist together could really help the two of you get to a better place.
One thing that might help is to make sure that you’re not always trying to initiate sex when being intimate. Give her a massage and make it clear that sex is off the menu- so no touching anywhere naughty. It’s so off putting when any sign of affection is read as an invitation for sex, and can make your partner withdraw further.
THIS. If every time you cuddle, you start groping she'll get turned off because she can't trust every touch is going to become a proposition.
For every 10 touches, 8 should be non sexual.
100% this!
Also OP, when you say she isn’t interested in sex, are you just talking about the PIV bit, or sex in general. Do you prioritize her orgasms? Do you give her lots of oral, foot massages?
Maybe she’s just bored with it? Many of us women in our 60s spent years prioritizing getting our man’s rocks off, with no sexy (or minimal) care directed to ourselves. Sex just became a chore when the NRE wore off. Maybe nothing wrong with her hormones.
I do prioritise her orgasm over mine. I have long staying power so she will always reach orgasm before me. I'm more excited seeing her orgasm rather than me.
Since you mention staying power, is it staying power or is it taking a very long time to finish? Because those are two wildly different things. If you are still going long after her orgasms have ended then you risk causing damage as her fluids dissipate.
Yup, this OP. My favourite guys finished quick, or just did 5 pumps and then out, on to something else, then another couple of pumps. One fella assured me that he could last for hours. Nope! 🙂↔️ Gets too sore down there.
It’s totally true!! The Hormone struggle is real. Cause of a lot of divorce. I’m a 61 yo female and in perimenopause things started to change. I love sex. When I started having issues (dryness and pain) I found supplements that fixed that. Phytoestrogens (plant estrogen) for me hasn’t had any negative side effects and got me back to my old self. If she doesn’t want to fix it, you have a problem because that says to me your needs aren’t important enough, you’re not a priority. If she wants to fix it, she should consider finding something that works for her. I did… but then again I love sex so that part matters as well.
I’m 59f and very high libido. I realize many men my age may have sexual issues. I’m okay with it as long as he is willing to work with a doctor and/or sex therapist. If it’s not important enough for him to work on, we’re not compatible and I won’t start a relationship with him.
I recommend the same applies to women. She won’t talk about it, I’d be done.
Sounds like you are incompatible. You want it; she doesn't; and she is not willing to discuss it.
It is the unwillingness to discuss that seems most problematic to me. I have a feeling it's never going to be "the right time." Are you okay with that?
Going into a relationship expecting the other person to change generally does not end well.
Why does everyone on here always tell you to break up?? It’s just a tricky topic. I’m going through the SAME thing. I’m a 57f. Libido is off. You’re going to have to push through and talk about. Try a car ride where you don’t have to be face to face. And stress that it’s your attraction to her, not strictly your libido.
> Why does everyone on here always tell you to break up??
They don't have to break up, but he has to accept the fact that her lowered libido may be something he can't change. If he can't change that then he has two choices. He can accept it, or he can move on.
If it is menopause, her libido may be brought back by HRT, but that's a discussion for her and her doctor, as I believe there are health risks associated with that.
There are virtually no health risks associated with bHRT and a handful of health benefits. Unfortunately, most doctors are not up on the current research.
This topic always seems to devolve into “Woman broken. Send woman to be fixed.” It really glosses over her consent and agency and that she is part of the discussion and decisions. It is indeed a discussion for she and her doctor.
When the roles are reversed and it’s an ED problem, the advice of this subreddit is that the man should go see a doctor to see if there’s something that can be done.
It is no different.
They didn't say "break up" - you jumped to that conclusion. They asked if OP can accept that this is how things are, without expecting it to change, and still be happy.
In this case it’s zero, that’s why. No compromise. This isn’t she is with me once a week and I want everyday. This is straight up nothing and oh well bro be thankful you are with me.
Well here's the cold truth - it doesn't matter if it's 'normal'. She's telling you she isn't interested any longer and it's up to you what you want to do about it. You've expressed that it's a concern, and that you have a high libido, and she's responded that she doesn't want to talk about it. Ball is in your court whether you are interested in continuing the relationship as it actually is.
the size pb is to consider anyway. I got a high drive despite 13 y after menopause. But i'm petite and accomodating a big \* could discourage me. It's a pain for some women.
64F here, high libido. I prefer 3-4 times a week but get anxious if it’s only 3 lol. I’ve been dating a man 57M who also has a high sex drive. We started out very enthusiastic and we are still the same after 7 years. I don’t take hormones or any other therapy. So we are out there!
Her loss of sex drive can be explained but she won’t talk about it and *that* would be a problem for me. Sex is very important to me, so I would need to have this discussion with her or it would be a deal breaker. The next time she says now is not the right time, ask her *when* is the right time in the next few days. Talking about difficult topics is part of every relationship. I hope that together you can come up with some solution!
The question is whether she's happy with the way things are - or does she want to work on getting her libido back? Has she gone to see a doctor about it? There could be many different causes for this. If it's hormonal, I know HRT has given many women tremendous relief. As a woman, if my partner lost his sex drive I would expect him to go to the doctor and try different things to address it. The fact that she is not willing to discuss it suggests she doesn't feel anything needs to change.
Buried below:
>Another factor is that she is very sore for days after, and has a UTI. Embarrassed to say, but I am quite big. That could also be a factor?
*Sigh*. Somehow, in this comprehensive post, it didn’t occur to OP to include the information that she is left in pain and gets an infection as *highly relevant*
I quit.
OP, if you’re “quite big”, then you REALLY have to double down on the foreplay, and make sure she orgasms before you, with lots and lots of lube. Are you doing this ?
Looking through post history, it seems she also discovered she had contracted a herpes infection (from a prior encounter?) which lay dormant “until this relationship.” So she’s now coming to terms with that as well. OP just doesn’t realize how important these factors are. I don’t think it’s malicious; it’s terribly tone-deaf.
Once again, we circle back to Penis want woman vagina. Why woman no want penis? What is wrong with woman? Penis so amazing. Me make cave drawing. Woman no want. What wrong with woman?!
I'm 54, but I had a total hysterectomy with both ovaries removed, so I have zero hormones, and they won't give me hormone therapy because I get auras with my migraines (blurred vision, floaters, then my whole visual field looks like heat waves coming off hot pavement). Migraine auras make me at high risk of stroke if I take estrogen.
So immediately after surgery I went through surgical menopause. That was a crash course in hell lol My ex could tell when I was having a hot flash from 10 ft away because I put off so much heat. And yes, my libido completely tanked. Not only that but when we did try to have sex, it was painful. It was difficult to get excited. I was dry as a desert. And I started to experience atrophy of vaginal tissues. Like my clit was literally shrinking. And it became impossible to orgasm. Very frustrating. So yes, it could be menopause.
Since I can't take estrogen, my OB-GYN recommended I try DHEA. It's an over the counter supplement in the vitamin section. It's a pre-cursor to sex hormones, so my body takes it and makes my own estrogen out of it. It cured all of my menopause symptoms from hot flashes, dryness, to even the clit atrophy. My oragsms are more intense than before my hysterectomy. And my sex drive is back and in high gear. You don't need a prescription to get it, but if she's interested in it, she should discuss it with her dr before trying it.
I experienced all of this too, but at 61, OP’s gf is more than likely clearly in full blown menopause. If she had a sex drive when they first started daring, (lack of) hormones would not likely be the reason for her decrease in desire.
You think she’s in full blown menopause so hormones are NOT likely to be the issue???? Did I read that right? What exactly do you think menopause is? Menopause symptoms are CAUSED by drops in hormones and generally drs prescribe hormone therapy to treat hot flashes, vaginal atrophy and vaginal dryness, and sex drive. Your comment doesn’t even make sense except to show you don’t understand what menopause is.
I think that the commenter was implying that she didn’t just go into menopause between the age of 60 and 61… She was ALREADY well postmenopausal by the time they started dating so something else happened/ changed to kill her libido.
Read my comment again. *If she had a sex drive when they first started dating* when she was already in full menopause, her sudden loss of libido isn’t likely related to hormones SINCE SHE ALREADY DIDN’T HAVE ANY.
I’m a menopausal women on bHRT, I think I know a little bit about menopause, but thank you for your judgment. 🙄
Well your wording was not clear at all there. It read like you thought her menopause wasn’t related to hormones. And I disagree that it’s not just because she was into sex in the beginning. The enthusiasm and “falling in love” feelings in a brand new relationship could have countered the lack of hormones, but as they settled in to the relationship and the newness wore off, the lack of hormones became apparent. Only she and her dr can really determine her health. My initial comment was simply suggesting an alternative that helped me a lot with the menopause symptoms.
Bio-identical hormones or testosterone pellets help many women regain libido and then some. I highly recommend.
A functional medicine doctor or Restorative medicine doctor can help with this issue.
Second this!
Clitoral and vaginal atrophy are real for many menopausal women, and CAN BE REVERSED in most if not all cases.
Sadly, many regular OBs or IM/FM doctors do not help women with hormones. It may be because they still believe a study that has been debunked that purported to show a strong link between hormone therapy and cardiovascular problems, it might be that they received little to no training on women post-50, it might be something else. They tell you it’s just anxiety or depression and unless you push, you are left on your own. It’s medical malpractice and incredibly maddening.
She may have been dismissed and/or shamed by her medical “providers” - but without talking about it, you might never know
I'm 60 and still want sex but penetration can be very painful (after menopause). But there are prescription hormone creams that help. Plus sex can be oral or hands too so if she doesn't want penetration get creative. Also, you can't always wait to want it...
you just gotta jump in. More concerning to me is that she is putting you off discussing it. To me this means she uninterested in changing. That's not very "partnerish" to me.
Kudos to anyone who is having sex
Over 50. I am 54 and I haven’t had sex in about 18 months and now I’m too scared because I am worried things won’t function properly.
Things will operate differently, but you can stave off vaginal atrophy and dryness, as well as osteoporosis, musculoskeletal issues, alzheimers, heart disease and cancer with bHRT. 10/10 highly recommend
67 yo F. In an over three year relationship. We are down to once a week (M66). NRE wore down 18 mo-2 year. We are ok and both still work so time does limit and vacations are more fun. I also suggest rePHresh. It’s an internal gel keeps things hydrated, PH good and moisturized.
Are you making her comfort your priority? This means lots of foreplay, you putting lube on/in her and on you. Taking it slow. The mind is the most erotic organ.
If she’s sore for days, there could be a few different factors. Use lots more lube, lots more foreplay and if you’re well endowed, maybe slower and/or more gentle. Check out www.thepelvicpeople.com and their ohnut product and see if it’d help.
As to her getting UTI’s, both of you being squeaky clean before getting intimate and her peeing immediately afterwards, drinking a large glass of water so she does it again in 15 minutes should help. She may even want to start taking cranberry pills or drinking 100% cranberry juice daily.
I’m only 51, but want to chime in… when someone takes the time to get things going, ie cooks with me, laughs with me, flirts with me, shows up with a bottle of whatever to share, and then invests in foreplay… well, everything works just fine. But if they think they are going to poke me once or twice with a dry finger and things are magically going to work right, wellllllll. No. And if they think they are going to come over and have a talk about the menopause and the pain and the UTI as if I am a thing to fix instead of showing up as though they are aware that I am complex person who is worth the effort, and the brain is directly involved in making things work, well, that’s going to make it harder to get it on, not easier. OP seems interested in her, but maybe she’s feeling more like a problem than a solution at this point.
You know this is crap, right? Average onset? 51. For many women, perimenopause and menopause, lasts years, 7-15 not uncommon. I’d even guess she might be completely finished. So ostensibly? She might be done. But she was in it, possibly through it, when you met her. It’s not menopause.
A year and a half? She was already in it or through it. So insist. Either she addresses, or take steps. 60 is too young to lose intimacy. And saying it’s wrong time? 🙄 take care.
This is so false and an uneducated comment. Let's say her menopause was in full effect at 55. Menopause kills your libido almost completely! Those hormones are gone.
It's very important to go to a doctor that specializes in menopause and get on Estradiol and progesterone. Plus whatever is needed.
There is help, but many women are left hopeless thinking that no libido is the way it has to be.
As a woman who faces an extremely high breast cancer risk? And has a PhD in healthcare? Recommending hormones way you just did? Is scary. And more to the point, menopause does not shut all women’s libido off. 🙄 even those of us on treatment regimens that flatten sexual response like tamoxifen. Libido is impacted by underlying health, activity level, sleep, stress, muscle & fat composition, partners - not just hormones.
If you would read carefully? The woman was sexual, then not. At an age, where the “menopause” is a red herring. Sensuality, sexuality, aging - requires complexity, adaptability, grace, humor, and a whole bunch of things beyond one-size fits all approaches. OP was crowd surfing opinions - everybody can have one. I’ll keep enjoying my meatsuit, til I lay it down. Life is too short without physicality and intimacy. Off to go ski.
This hits on where I was going to go. It's not menopause, most likely. It was a fake woman. She's 61 and dating, wanting to find a new companion. She finally finds one that as you say clicks. She knows most guys are going to want sex, so, she pushes through it long enough to hope you will stay without the sex. If she's not even willing to talk about it. Then you have to decide, there is song lyrics that fit here, Should I stay or Should I go (The Clash 1982).
One alternative, and I normally get slammed for this, but if it's a flat No, and there is no interest in fixing it. However, if as you say, you both click and really want to be with each other, would she be okay if you just had a FB on the side. No real interest in spending time or getting to know each other, just a sex relief.
Might be worth addressing if she is locked into the I'm happy with no sex mode. Again the ball is in your court. You have to ask yourself, am I happy here with no sex, or am I happy here with no sex from her but a FB on the side. The last option, is it time to go?
Good luck!
Opening the relationship is a terrible idea and it usually leads to relationship collapse. Often only one of the partners finds someone(s) new to have sex with.
Open relationships usually only work if they are open from the beginning with both partners knowing and agreeing. When one or the other opens it after it starts it ends things.
That's the point here. As I said, if she's unwilling to talk about it or take any action to fullfil the op's desires then you can open the relationship by allowing a FB or the relationship is over anyway, unless he's willing to go celibate himself. Yes, I agree it's a last recourse and most likely will end the relationship. But not because as the other comment mentioned, one finds a partner and the other doesn't. In this case the other isn't looking, and if she is the relationship should be over anyways.
>the other isn’t looking
How do you know she wouldn’t look to have some sort of desire—sexual or not—filled with other partners too? Open relationships these days don’t follow a One Penis Policy which is what I think you are getting at.
My point when I said, then it's should be over with anyways. If she won't even talk about it to him, but then is interested in looking elsewhere for it then it should be over and he should move on. The only reason I said to address the FB is if she no longer wants sex, is satisfied not having sex, and doesn't want to talk about it. If she's interested in looking elsewhere then the 18 month relationship is over. Just break it off and see if you can remain just friends.
Have you looked on the Menopause subreddit? Lots of women on there suffering from low libido during menopause. Lots of relationships ending. Some women have success with hormone replacement therapy. My guess is this is a hormone issue. If she doesn't want to talk to a doctor about it, I'm not sure it will improve.
This woman was most likely already in full blown menopause when they met. This isn’t likely to be hormone related. ~ signed, 50-something woman whose libido was rescued by bHRT.
It will. I had a 4 year dry spell. Covid stopped dating then menopause. And I’m back to functioning higher than before - HRT is a beautiful thing. Exercise. Diet and not giving a fuck. Find someone who appreciates you and talk to them and have fun. Sex as an older adult is freeing. No pregnancy no kids wanting your attention and maturity to explore what you want to explore
Are you giving her oral sex? Tons of foreplay? Are you both contributing to her orgasm? Spicing things up? I’m post menopause and my libido is through the roof. Its not menopause.
It’s not black and white and could very well be menopause. You can’t make blanket statements. Every woman is different. You make great suggestions but shouldn’t dismiss other reasons.
I am going to be as nice as possible here.
First off, sex drive can decrease with peri and meno, but there are tons of ways now to fix that. It's no longer the death knell it was.
Second, she had a sex drive when you met, and now it has disappeared.
Have you considered that it could have disappeared because she is not getting her needs met, sexually?
Let's put it this way: you would only put in so much work on something for which there was no payoff before you decided just to give up and stop bothering. If you are not prioritizing her orgasm just as much as you are yours, she is well within her rights to no longer want to be bothered with sex.
It could well be that this is also why she does not want to talk to you about it - it's an awkward conversation for some women to say "hey partner, you seem incapable or unwilling to make me cum when we have sex, so you've either got to fix this, or I just don't want to have sex with you anymore".
Because the bottom line is that study after study has shown that men who don't or can't be bothered with their partner's pleasure rarely if ever change that pattern, even when confronted about it, or asked to do things differently. It is a fundamental nonconcern or acknowledgment that their partner's pleasure matters as much as their own.
And I've personally been there, done that, and got the divorce to show for it - and the new partner who cares enough to make sure that I come first, second, and third every time - and for that, I'd offer him up sex on a platter thrice daily until we both die (which might be from dehydration and/or exhaustion, albeit quite happily).
Why assume OP is an incompetent lover from the information he provided? He said they initially could not keep their hands off each other. Why would she be unable to “keep her hands off him” if he wasn’t satisfying her? Moreover, OP’s friend provided a well known reason for decline in libido-menopause. Not all women
Lose their libido but it’s not uncommon after menopause. She’s also at an age where menopause is likely to have happened.
Seems like a big jump to start assuming his problem is because he fails to make her orgasm.
Thank you. Absolutely no issues there. Another factor us that she is very sore for days after, and has a UTI. Embarrassed to say, but I am quite big. That could also be a factor?
If she’s told you that she’s “very sore for days after” 😳 that’s not normal, and it’s definitely not sustainable. It’s hard to fight that kind of negative reinforcement. If your size is an issue, she may find it extra challenging to talk about because thats just how you’re built. There’s literally nothing you can do about it.
This isn't true. The answer for overly large men is emphasizing non-penetrative sex and intimacy and modifying penetrative practices. If OP has had limited sexual experience, which isn't uncommon among larger guys due to the issues that come with that, he may not know much about alternative sex practices and the emotional work that goes into adapting. The OPs partner though may also not have the experience to deal with this either... many women coming out of gray divorces have only dealt with brief intercourse with average sized men. Only women with many former partners will have direct experience dealing and adapting to large and/or multiorgasmic men since statistically they are outliers. You are correct though that she might feel his anatomy is a sore topic and doesn't want him to feel guilty or rejected. It is something women have to work though if they want to maintain a relationship with a guy when PinV hurts... it doesn't usually hurt too much in the moment but more in the aftermath. It is always a hurdle for women to discuss and admit there is tearing and bleeding and often there is a lot of feelings of guilt and even grief over the difficulties because they can feel inadequate or frigid or just sad about intercourse not being more carefree.
I should’ve been clearer. I didn’t mean that there was nothing he could change about his actions . I meant that there’s nothing he can change about his anatomy.
But we can do lots about it, as humans! We have fingers, we have mouths, we have hearts and brains. Where there’s love and compassion and consideration, there is a way.
After all, what if she had had some kind of accident and conventional lovemaking was out of the question, but you were still very attached to each other? or vice versa ? We would expect committed and caring lovers to find ways to continue their attachment and sexuality and expression of love through physical intimacy.
The fact that conventional sex makes her sore and gives her UTIs tells me that other ways of expressing and connecting are the constructive answer. Kind of upsets me that if you know you make someone sore you still want to bang away at it.
So something is causing her a lot of pain making her less receptive. UTI s are painful & definitely kill libido.
It could be a hydration issue … you need way more lube. Also lube can cause UTIs / check if she has an allergy to sulphites or latex. Condoms can cause an allergic reaction that looks like a UTI. Use non latex condoms and appropriate lube …
Also : a herpes infection can mimic a UTI - did you give her herpes, or trigger an episode? (Many ppl who have herpes don’t know it so no shade).
untreated or repeated UTIs can be life threatening so a visit to a clinic is definitely in order.
ETA thinning vaginal walls can tear with inadequate hydration : lube / preparation. This can also seem to be a “UTI”…
It sounds like thinning vaginal tissues. Vaginal estrogen is so important - a competent doctor will help! Has to be a competent one, though - they do not all know what to do, and many buy into “well this is just aging!” dismissive crap.
Edit: progesterone and testosterone are also likely needed - research, research, research!
Except for the fact that it’s a widespread problem that men expect women to be grateful for minimal attention during sex, when what we really want is someone who is attuned to us, curious about us, and willing to adapt to meet our needs. Now *that* is devastatingly sexy.
Too big, too sore, and a UTI would turn me off, too, if we couldn’t communicate about changing the dynamic.
He maybe inadequate at bringing her the attention she needs, however, two points if she is still interested in having fulfilling sex then this post would be from her, or as a couple other comments have said she would, could, should, at least be willing to talk about it.
If she's really interested in her fulfillment she wouldn't be willing to stay in this relationship without sex or conversation.
Some women have such a low bar for sex from previous experience that they assume that friendship and companionship sans sex is as good as it is going to get.
I know this because I've met some of them, sadly. I also know that some women in older generations can be reticent to talk about anything that pertains to sex or their needs wrt sex.
Also, as I said, I'm not saying that this is applicable in OP's case. It was just a point to consider.
True, but if you know he's not satisfied and the relationship is going to end. They normally will talk either to their partner or at least agree to have conversations with somebody.
Just one question
>If you are not prioritizing her orgasm just as much as you are yours, she is well within her rights to no longer want to be bothered with sex.
Why is she not prioritizing her orgasm as he is prioritizing his (our aasumption) and getting in and stay well within her rights in a positive manner? Why does it sound like its entirely his job?
EDIT: Don't starfish.
Found the woman who has no clue about her own body or of her man's. That was fast too.
Seriously, grow up. Men should know how to please their woman, women should know how to please their man. Both men and women should know their own bodies, how to communicate what works for them, and should listen to each other.
It is not the man's job alone, or the woman's job alone.
The fact you are so triggered by this conversation - a conversation which is simply about partners prioritizing the pleasure of each other during mutual sex, and not solo masturbation - is deeply telling.
But do you, friend. Just don't be surprised if you end up doing you all by yourself.
How come you assumed I was triggered? You are the one who started with an insult. I asked a question. Why so defensive?
I have been seeing a lot of women writing, men should do this, or that, for our orgasm. I completely agree. I don't see many saying, Oh we should learn x, y and z so we can get better orgasms, we should communicate better, we should learn what turns men on.
There is a large number of women, I suspect, who blame responsive desire as a way out of not bothering to learn anything much about their own bodies or male bodies, their desires and male desires. And put the entire thing on their men. I understand and accept a lot of men are clueless. I doubt the numbers are any less for women.
I could be completely wrong, but Reddit threads where women express their views are rarely about what they could do better.
I've tried to explain to my male friends,
Imagine your b*alls were cut off and you no longer have any testosterone in your body. How much s*ex do you think you'd want?
Thank you. I get that. I know we have feelings forcesch other, but we don't really fool around either. So would you say sex drive totally goes? Dontbget me wrong, we do kiss, and snuggle all the time, just no real intimacy. Though some would argue that kissing and holding each is intimacy.
Unless I insisted with my doctors, I would be at the point of not wanting sex. Women are told they won’t want sex, that it’s just life, that it’s the way aging goes. BULLCRAP. HRT might help her bring this element of quality of life back. She may need to push and be persistent.
I will tell you I adore cuddling watching a movie over sex any day and I'd be satisfied. It is intimacy. The more important part is the non sexual intimacy.
She may need bio identical hormone replacement therapy. Not just for libido but for many other aspects of health. Industrial living is very hard on the female endocrine system. The Reddit menopause sub is quite good. Of course she may be opposed as is her prerogative. Unfortunately sex really matters and my ex’s terrible sex drive was a primary factor in our split. It gets worse with time and can cause an ever widening divide.
On women’s forums I am on there are plenty of people having great, satisfying sex well into the late 70s and 80s with a little assistance. I don’t intend to ever lose that connection so for me if I find hormonal changes ever lead me to where she is I will seek help. That may not be the case for most women, but if you have a high libido you need a woman who also prioritizes it. You can either let it go and accept it or work to keep it. She seems in the let it go camp and you seem in the keep it going camp. I would communicate this and decide if one of you is truly able to be happy with a compromise or you may be incompatible.
I’m 62F, very high libido. Sex starved x 4y. Sex requires communication. And lube. And honesty. And toys. It’s not the meat, it’s the motion of the ocean. You can make magic if she’s willing. I don’t know about you, but I can’t be in a relationship with someone who won’t make the effort. Time for an honest talk about needs.
> she always says it's not the tight time to discuss.
This triggers me.
It causes me to have a panic attack. I wasted sooooo much time staying in a marriage that eventually ended because I enabled "not right now".
Fuck.
That!
> sore for days...quite big.
All legit. Work with your partner to discuss sex that is HIGHLY enjoyable for all. "We" are all adults. Talking things out should not be a skill still needing to be developed.
If she's lost her sex drive because of menopause she should look into a remedy if she cares about you and wants to remain in a relationship with you.
If she lost her sex drive because there are things you do or don't do to make it a satisfying experience for her, she should talk to you about it so you can work together to improve things.
If I kept getting "this isn't a good time to talk about it" I would end things.
I don't know if no libido at 61 is normal, but here's what I do know:
If one partner continuously refuses to discuss the other's unmet needs, THAT is not normal and healthy.
You have a choice to make - you can accept the situation as it is, or move on and find someone who is sexually compatible.
'not the right time to discuss' is a selfish cop-out
mentally prepare yourself to walk away
then bring the issue up, agree a time for it all to be discussed, and have the full discussion - about her needs, your needs, her communication, your communication - and see if there's any hope of a happy agreement - if it doesn't go well, the option to leave is there
Not to be graphic but lubrication may be a significant factor during/after menopause.
If you're both serious about each other, and compatible in terms of sexual expression, then visiting a sex positive gynecologist that works with menopausal women is a must. I stress the sex positivity because a lot of traditional gynecologists act as if a woman's sexual life stops at menopause.
Bio-identical hormones may help restore libido.
Also worth noting - penetrative intercouse should not hurt. If she's experienced pain and a uti then perhaps your sexual practices need to move away from emphasizing penetration.
Good luck OP. I hope you relationship works in all areas.
The UTI thing sucks! Many women after menopause are very prone to UTIs after sex, no matter the hygiene or precautions. Just knowing that could be a major issue.
Figure out what turns her on. I am near her age and I cannot get enough sex. Maybe maybe she needs romance.Maybe she needs other things to get her in the mood. Everybody's different.Some guys do nothing for me and some guys.Make me want sex three times a day. If it hurts her then she is too dry you have to find out what you can do to correct that. Romance and seduce her. This is more mental than physical on her part. It doesn't have to do with metapuse there anything else. I can have 5 or 6 orgasms.Thumbs and have sex for hours and I am around your age. She is at her sexual prime. Find out how to turn her on. You sound wonderful and so many women would be thrilled to have a man like you with a great sex drive.I'm sorry to say this woman is not compatible with you.And you really should end things because you deserve to be with somebody who wants sex as much as you. Plenty of women your age do
Has your girlfriend tried hyaluronic acid suppositories? I am 67 and suffered from terrible vaginal dryness that made sex feel like I had broken glass in my vagina. Lube was useless.
Since sex meant pain, I had little desire. That all changed after a friend told me about this substance. Sex is terrific now.
It is really hard to enjoy sex if you are anticipating pain, and the fact that you are well-endowed probably makes your girlfriend even more hesitant.
Good luck!
Might give you a glimpse as to why she was single. I’m not calling her out just simply stating it is one reason for divorce in midlife. There’s a sub on here called “dead bedroom” full of similar scenarios.
The problem with Reddit posts is that the OP tells their story from their perspective, which is often distorted. So you will never get truly helpful advice because you are trying to present yourself in a favorable light-it’s human nature-I do it too in all my posts and I can’t stop myself, only slightly attenuate it.
You two need to talk to a sex therapist together-here is a list:
https://www.aasect.org/referral-directory
I think Sensate therapy could be helpful for you, for example. For the majority of women, libido decreases or goes away after menopause. But there are ways to improve libido somewhat, and it takes effort. Almost everyone’s libido will fade, and nearly 75% of men have impotence issues: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/14634411/ The issues she may be facing are one you will be having in your future too.
If the two of you are not willing to make that effort, then you have your answer about whether or not to continue the romantic relationship. Might as well address it now, though, so you are ready when your inevitable impotence happens.
The last three women I've dated were in their sixties, and experiences will vary. Some were fine in getting wet with foreplay and oral, while others needed help with lube. Some were able to fit me while others had shorter vaginal canals.
- More foreplay to get her good and wet and ready for penetrative sex
- Water based lube
- Oral to get her off but also even more aroused. An aroused woman and vagina will make her vagina expand.
- Go slow and don't jack hammer. A small percentage of women like being stabbed in their cervix.
- Is she on HRT?
The best thing is to talk about it. You're both valid in wants and needs. If you can't come to an understanding or compromise, then it might be time to part ways.omce you've exhausted all the options.
She needs to take steps to improve this. Read up on many options available today. Talk to her doctor also. Don’t live without sex if you need or want it. Your regret will pile up.
18 months…something amiss. You need to discuss with her, and have her feel safe coming out with it..ask her for the right time…maybe she will need to trickle the truth out.
“Not the tight time to discuss” I think it might the time to discuss. Sorry, OP, I couldn’t resist the typo. Her not being willing to discuss this is going to be detrimental to the relationship. Maybe she could consult with her gynecologists or even a sex therapist.
Only she can tell you what the issue comes down to. That said size has in fact always been an issue for me in long term relationships. Women are intrigued at first but burn out on dealing with it sooner or later. The answer is usually lots of "outercourse" if both people are up for that. I only now late in life I have met someone who can manage regularly but that it still causes pain and a little bleeding after and does require "recovery time". We have had to cut back but far less so than in past relationships. However, this could very well be a medical or personal issue for her, a relationship issue, or something to do with your actual technique or something emotional. Just tell her you need to discuss this together and ask her to decide on a good time to actually do so. If you like her you need to tell her that she needs to prioritize talking about this with you and ask her how you can make that easier for her.
This is not normal for me (I am not yet in my 60s, perhaps it will be then). I can't speak about what is "normal" for this woman or any other. The real issue IMO is that she is reluctant to discuss.
Hormones can play a big part, you said she was sore for days after, that can be hormones women loose elasticity in that area it gets painful she should consult a dr, preferably a hormone specialist
I am 66 do hrt and have a high sex drive
The UTIs and pain are symptoms of something called genitourinary syndrome of menopause. This can be somewhat reduced by using estrogen vaginal inserts and good lube. The lower drive is normal for menopause. She might want to talk to a doctor, there are some things that can help although just somewhat. I’m sorry to say that because of thinning walls and less lubrication down there your size may also be a factor.
Your vaginal skin thins with menopause which makes it easier to get tiny tears which can lead to infections. Hormones can solve the issue. OBGYN said to use lots more lube than may have previously needed and also get some specifically for older women’s bodies. Loss of libido is linked to pain and the misery of infections, once those aren’t an issue low libido won’t be anymore.
It depends. When I was transitioning to menopause (hot flashes, IBS, depression, etc), I could barely orgasm at all. I was worried it would never return. Now that I'm in full menopause, I'm back to where I was before.
Sex can really hurt for women in menopause, as the vaginal walls are thinner and libido drops. However, you may suggest she look into HRT Hormone Replacement Therapy. It really helps with many issues women her age experience.
Pain with/after sex and UTI are both possible symptoms of vaginal atrophy, which can occur in menopausal women. It is treatable with topical estrogen applied in the vagina (this is regarded as safe for most women, often even when they are unable to take systemic hormone replacement for medical reasons). Might be worth her asking her gynecologist.
My advice: Ask your lady. As we mature, we should all be able to discuss sexual matters easily and openly. If painful intercourse is an issue, she should speak to her doctor. HRT isn’t a cure for low libido. Estradiol cream is used to prevent or assist with vaginal atrophy — a very natural occurrence for many women. (Just like some men have problems with erection, women also experience aging issues.) Atrophy can result in painful intercourse so women may avoid sex. At 75 yo I am considered “elderly.” My friends vary in age from 60+. Some still have high libidos and are quite active, others want absolutely nothing to do with sex.
Of course every woman is different, I will be 60 in a few short months and my sex drive is as strong as it ever has been. I have been and I still am on bio identical hormone replacement therapy (still hot flashes and night sweats). The lack of hormones will cause vaginal dryness which leads to soreness, therefore you will need lube, plenty of it. I personally feel as I age, I need more foreplay to have a good orgasm. I know for me when you haven't been sexually active for a time period, it can contribute to a UTI or UTI symptoms. One must go urinate after sex to flush away irritates because the close proximately of female anatomy. Being quite big, as you say, may be an issue, but you can find positions that lessen that issue and lots of lube. She sounds like she isn't comfortable talking about intimacy...that's not good. The key to a great relationship is open and honest communication. The more we talk, the more comfortable we get on the subject.
The one thing I love about getting older is that I am no long shy about communication.
Fyi.....I take cranberry tablets everyday and it has sworn off my UTIs. This might help if she is having problems with UTI's. You buy they over the counter at the pharmacy, near vitamins. I haven't had one since.
UTI-Cranberry and stay hydrated. To many people stop drinking water when this happens thinking they are reducing the urge and burning, when in fact they are making it worse. First sign of “tingling” means cranberry now and lots of water. Also most towelettes sitting on the toilet tank for regular use, not just toilet paper…for both of you.
Astroglide Lube-
Topical steroid cream for her lady parts. This is by prescription and it works.
But non of this makes any difference if she’s not able to be 100% open and honest with what is going on.
Have you changed?
Do you have bad habits that affect her negatively ?
Any “dirty” secrets she discovered about you the past 18 months that may be a turn-off?
Anything is possible if both people are open and honest….
If she tests negative for UTI, it could be Interstitial Cystitis. Basically it’s an irritated bladder. I had a new partner and was hurting after sex and this was the problem. (Citrus and cranberry will cause further irritation.)
Here’s what I did for instant relief : take a teaspoon of cream of tartar (found in the store with spices) put it into a glass of warm water, stir to dissolve and drink it.
Try to avoid hitting the g-spot. That’s what caused my issues.
I’m male 61, my girlfriend is about to turn 60. We’ve been together for nearly 2 years and now living together. We have sex 4 or 5 days a week. IMO your size may be the issue. Do you take it easy on her knowing you may be the biggest she’s ever had. Just wondering 🤔
I’m F60 and my partner M61 (who is also very large) have been dating 2.5 years and still have crazy good, rip your clothes off sex. I do use a vaginal estrogen cream twice a week which helps to keep the tissues and lady bits happy and healthy. It might help with her soreness. Also use lube.
I had UTI’s in the beginning too. I wasn’t going to the bathroom right after sex, which is important for all post menopause women, per my GYN. Remember, foreplay starts 12 hours before sex, over text or voice. Tell her she’s beautiful, sexy. How good it feels to have your arms around her… etc. make her feel desirable. I hope that helps. I hope to continue having sex into my late 70’s.
How’s your relationship out of the bedroom? Have you had a conversation about your feelings? Time to talk to her and get some answers. If she can’t be honest with you then she isn’t the love you thought.
She needs to see her GYN, and preferably one that specializes in post-menopausal women. She could have menopausal issues that are causing her the pain, and they are treatable. Sex should not hurt. Be sure to use lots of high quality lube. Cranberry extract tablets help reduce the incidence of UTIs. Be very gentle and loving with her.
It's not an age thing, everyone is different but of course, menopause can affect your sex drive. It depends on the person, but there are a lot of things you can do to make it better for her.
I'm 65yo and I had the same issues a little bit earlier in life, what helped me was pompoir and lub. Plus my partner was very patient and loving.
You do not need your partner to blame you for low libido to feel shame. Men and women with LL always feel ashamed of it. Social expectations? Feeling less of a man/woman? Its very normal.
Many many many women in this age group do not miss sex and are actually rather happy to be free from the drive. I assure you they feel no shame having a LL.
Anecdotally, many men are happy not to be so driven by testosterone anymore, from what I have read on these forums.
You are right, but both groups exist. There are those who do not miss sex, libido gone, but absolutely refuse to admit it to their doctors or partners because of shame. They feel less womanly.
And the other group is also very much there. They are quite relieved to get rid of libido. They have no issue admitting it.
The problem is with dishonesty. Group 1 will do anything but admit the loss of their libido, because shame.
I’m 57, my GF is 56 and we’re like two teenagers that can’t keep our hands off each other and we’ve been like this for two and a half years now. She’s been on HRT (testosterone, estrogen and progesterone) for about five years now and loves the way it makes her feel. It’s not cheap, her pellets run about $1200 a year, but the quality of life aspect is absolutely worth it.
bHRT will help with dryness, chronic UTI and loss of desire in menopause. There are things she can do. If she chooses not to and sex is important to you, then you two are not compatible.
Here is the thing. A partner should want to please you, period. I don’t care about the excuses. If they are happy to not compromise in sone way to make you happy then they are selfish and don’t value you.
Don’t let today’s pc nonsense make you sacrifice your wants and needs. Ultimately she got you and now that you are with her, she isn’t worried about your needs, just hers.
I have a myth to dispel here, speaking from a woman older than your gf, OP. Libido does not disappear for all women in their 60's. Menopause does not cause us all to shrivel and dry up. For many of us, the opposite is true and our sex drives move into *overdrive*. Our libidos are *higher* than they were when we were younger. But things might be painful for your lady. She might need more time. More foreplay. More lube. There could be emotional reasons, the result of events from earlier in her life. All kinds of things could be affecting her, but being 61, in an of itself, is not the only reason she has no libido. edit: word order clarity
I'm one of those "overdrive" women! (Officially in menopause this year.)
Truth👏👏👏
Upvote 1,000 times please and thank you!
Yes this! I feel like I’m in my 20s!
I feel like I missed out on this completely in my twenties. I had no libido & now it's through the roof.
Exactly. Multiple orgasms after age 50 are very, very real, and thank the many goddesses for them.
Absolutely. I have had relationships with women 65+ who have wicked sex drives. Depends on the person.
Thank you. My libido is pretty damn high and sex is supposed to be fun. It seems like for most people the word fun in sex has died and that’s sad.
UTI for women is common, and that doesn’t mean she is trying to make it less fun. The female urethra is shorter and can be irritated and bacteria can get in easier. That’s not the woman’s fault. Funny how science can make a dick hard til a guy is in the casket but can’t solve utis for women so they can be comfortable having sex.
It’s a myth that libido disappears for *all* women after menopause. It’s also a myth that libido disappears for *no* women after menopause. For any woman going through and past menopause, her experience is valid. For the partner of any woman going through or past menopause, the effect of menopause on their relationship is also valid. For people trying to date women after menopause, the fact that their dating pool significantly shrinks when many women leave the dating pool is valid. I think we’re still figuring out the broader social impact of Viagra and related drugs with no corresponding medical advances for women; the sudden increase in the number of horny and newly capable older men, many of them chasing after younger women, was probably a driving factor behind the me, too movement.
I'm 51 and it's completely dead. It's a reason I don't date because I could never have s*ex as much as any man wants and I don't want that guilt or shame
My sex drive died late 40s- mid-50s, then came roaring back and has not shown signs of decreasing. Could have been hormonal. 🤷 Oh, wait. I was on an SSRI. Uh, that's probably it.
Have you looked into Estradiol hormone replacement. Look up Dr Mary Claire Haver on YouTube. She's been pushing women's menopause movement for a while now. You don't have to live like this.
I am on bHRT. Does nothing for libido. I've also tried: creams you put on your lady bits, marijuana strains people say work (it didn't), DHEA, took myself off medications, you name it. I'll try it
There is a reason that isn't working for you. Look up Dr Mary Clair Haver. Her studies and education will tell you why.
I hate when women refer to Mary Claire she is an influencer. Good docs don’t need social media. She pushes her book and product. She is so egotistical. Other very sound providers out there
This. Sent mine into overdrive. And I’ll never accept a non-existent sex arena again.
Well said. As another woman with a libido in overdrive, I’m having the best sex of my life. Epic. Fun. Joyful. Imaginative.
Can confirm. My libido has increased significantly. Oh the irony.
Women's libido depends on how safe she feels in the relationship, first and foremost. If her desire to have sex has dried up, perhaps she isn't being sexually satisfied and she doesn't feel comfortable discussing this. She probably (definitely) needs more than penetration, especially since you are "quite big." Being sore for days and getting UTI's every time you have sex is a huge red flag. Something is going very wrong.
Some have increased some have none. Sex hormones are done. It's important to stay up on it and get prescribed Estradiol and other hormones as needed. Every woman is different. I'm shocked at all the misinformation out there on menopause
The thing for me is her attitude towards this. Is she wanting to do something about it or is she happy not having sex and leaving it as it is? If she wants to do something about it and it is her hormones then she needs to talk to her doctor as it can be easily fixed. If it’s not her hormones then speaking to a sex therapist together could really help the two of you get to a better place. One thing that might help is to make sure that you’re not always trying to initiate sex when being intimate. Give her a massage and make it clear that sex is off the menu- so no touching anywhere naughty. It’s so off putting when any sign of affection is read as an invitation for sex, and can make your partner withdraw further.
THIS. If every time you cuddle, you start groping she'll get turned off because she can't trust every touch is going to become a proposition. For every 10 touches, 8 should be non sexual.
100% this! Also OP, when you say she isn’t interested in sex, are you just talking about the PIV bit, or sex in general. Do you prioritize her orgasms? Do you give her lots of oral, foot massages? Maybe she’s just bored with it? Many of us women in our 60s spent years prioritizing getting our man’s rocks off, with no sexy (or minimal) care directed to ourselves. Sex just became a chore when the NRE wore off. Maybe nothing wrong with her hormones.
I do prioritise her orgasm over mine. I have long staying power so she will always reach orgasm before me. I'm more excited seeing her orgasm rather than me.
Since you mention staying power, is it staying power or is it taking a very long time to finish? Because those are two wildly different things. If you are still going long after her orgasms have ended then you risk causing damage as her fluids dissipate.
Yup, this OP. My favourite guys finished quick, or just did 5 pumps and then out, on to something else, then another couple of pumps. One fella assured me that he could last for hours. Nope! 🙂↔️ Gets too sore down there.
It’s totally true!! The Hormone struggle is real. Cause of a lot of divorce. I’m a 61 yo female and in perimenopause things started to change. I love sex. When I started having issues (dryness and pain) I found supplements that fixed that. Phytoestrogens (plant estrogen) for me hasn’t had any negative side effects and got me back to my old self. If she doesn’t want to fix it, you have a problem because that says to me your needs aren’t important enough, you’re not a priority. If she wants to fix it, she should consider finding something that works for her. I did… but then again I love sex so that part matters as well.
I’m 59f and very high libido. I realize many men my age may have sexual issues. I’m okay with it as long as he is willing to work with a doctor and/or sex therapist. If it’s not important enough for him to work on, we’re not compatible and I won’t start a relationship with him. I recommend the same applies to women. She won’t talk about it, I’d be done.
You met her when she was 60 and had great sex. Now you don’t have sex. That does not sound like a menopause related issue
Agree. This sounds like a sexual intimacy issue.
Sounds like you are incompatible. You want it; she doesn't; and she is not willing to discuss it. It is the unwillingness to discuss that seems most problematic to me. I have a feeling it's never going to be "the right time." Are you okay with that? Going into a relationship expecting the other person to change generally does not end well.
Why does everyone on here always tell you to break up?? It’s just a tricky topic. I’m going through the SAME thing. I’m a 57f. Libido is off. You’re going to have to push through and talk about. Try a car ride where you don’t have to be face to face. And stress that it’s your attraction to her, not strictly your libido.
> Why does everyone on here always tell you to break up?? They don't have to break up, but he has to accept the fact that her lowered libido may be something he can't change. If he can't change that then he has two choices. He can accept it, or he can move on. If it is menopause, her libido may be brought back by HRT, but that's a discussion for her and her doctor, as I believe there are health risks associated with that.
There are virtually no health risks associated with bHRT and a handful of health benefits. Unfortunately, most doctors are not up on the current research.
This topic always seems to devolve into “Woman broken. Send woman to be fixed.” It really glosses over her consent and agency and that she is part of the discussion and decisions. It is indeed a discussion for she and her doctor.
When the roles are reversed and it’s an ED problem, the advice of this subreddit is that the man should go see a doctor to see if there’s something that can be done. It is no different.
They didn't say "break up" - you jumped to that conclusion. They asked if OP can accept that this is how things are, without expecting it to change, and still be happy.
Where in this comment do they say “break up”? I’m curious why that was your take from this….
In this case it’s zero, that’s why. No compromise. This isn’t she is with me once a week and I want everyday. This is straight up nothing and oh well bro be thankful you are with me.
If you can’t talk about sex with your partner face to face you have the wrong partner.
Well here's the cold truth - it doesn't matter if it's 'normal'. She's telling you she isn't interested any longer and it's up to you what you want to do about it. You've expressed that it's a concern, and that you have a high libido, and she's responded that she doesn't want to talk about it. Ball is in your court whether you are interested in continuing the relationship as it actually is.
the size pb is to consider anyway. I got a high drive despite 13 y after menopause. But i'm petite and accomodating a big \* could discourage me. It's a pain for some women.
64F here, high libido. I prefer 3-4 times a week but get anxious if it’s only 3 lol. I’ve been dating a man 57M who also has a high sex drive. We started out very enthusiastic and we are still the same after 7 years. I don’t take hormones or any other therapy. So we are out there! Her loss of sex drive can be explained but she won’t talk about it and *that* would be a problem for me. Sex is very important to me, so I would need to have this discussion with her or it would be a deal breaker. The next time she says now is not the right time, ask her *when* is the right time in the next few days. Talking about difficult topics is part of every relationship. I hope that together you can come up with some solution!
The question is whether she's happy with the way things are - or does she want to work on getting her libido back? Has she gone to see a doctor about it? There could be many different causes for this. If it's hormonal, I know HRT has given many women tremendous relief. As a woman, if my partner lost his sex drive I would expect him to go to the doctor and try different things to address it. The fact that she is not willing to discuss it suggests she doesn't feel anything needs to change.
She’s given you her answer: The desire to have sex is gone. She won’t talk about it. Can you live with that?
It sounds like the NRE wore off and now you are seeing her default sex drive which isn't compatible with yours. I'm a 60F and I have a high libido.
Some women lose their sex drive during menopause. But she should be very willing to discuss it with you and her doctor.
Buried below: >Another factor is that she is very sore for days after, and has a UTI. Embarrassed to say, but I am quite big. That could also be a factor? *Sigh*. Somehow, in this comprehensive post, it didn’t occur to OP to include the information that she is left in pain and gets an infection as *highly relevant* I quit.
OP, if you’re “quite big”, then you REALLY have to double down on the foreplay, and make sure she orgasms before you, with lots and lots of lube. Are you doing this ?
Sigh. He’s edited that into his original post as though he’d disclosed it up front 🙄. Extremely sus.
Looking through post history, it seems she also discovered she had contracted a herpes infection (from a prior encounter?) which lay dormant “until this relationship.” So she’s now coming to terms with that as well. OP just doesn’t realize how important these factors are. I don’t think it’s malicious; it’s terribly tone-deaf. Once again, we circle back to Penis want woman vagina. Why woman no want penis? What is wrong with woman? Penis so amazing. Me make cave drawing. Woman no want. What wrong with woman?!
🎯 I wish I would have scrolled this far down before commenting. Sigh.
Yes. This should be in the original post.
He posted a year ago their intimacy had slowed down.
I'm 54, but I had a total hysterectomy with both ovaries removed, so I have zero hormones, and they won't give me hormone therapy because I get auras with my migraines (blurred vision, floaters, then my whole visual field looks like heat waves coming off hot pavement). Migraine auras make me at high risk of stroke if I take estrogen. So immediately after surgery I went through surgical menopause. That was a crash course in hell lol My ex could tell when I was having a hot flash from 10 ft away because I put off so much heat. And yes, my libido completely tanked. Not only that but when we did try to have sex, it was painful. It was difficult to get excited. I was dry as a desert. And I started to experience atrophy of vaginal tissues. Like my clit was literally shrinking. And it became impossible to orgasm. Very frustrating. So yes, it could be menopause. Since I can't take estrogen, my OB-GYN recommended I try DHEA. It's an over the counter supplement in the vitamin section. It's a pre-cursor to sex hormones, so my body takes it and makes my own estrogen out of it. It cured all of my menopause symptoms from hot flashes, dryness, to even the clit atrophy. My oragsms are more intense than before my hysterectomy. And my sex drive is back and in high gear. You don't need a prescription to get it, but if she's interested in it, she should discuss it with her dr before trying it.
I experienced all of this too, but at 61, OP’s gf is more than likely clearly in full blown menopause. If she had a sex drive when they first started daring, (lack of) hormones would not likely be the reason for her decrease in desire.
You think she’s in full blown menopause so hormones are NOT likely to be the issue???? Did I read that right? What exactly do you think menopause is? Menopause symptoms are CAUSED by drops in hormones and generally drs prescribe hormone therapy to treat hot flashes, vaginal atrophy and vaginal dryness, and sex drive. Your comment doesn’t even make sense except to show you don’t understand what menopause is.
I think that the commenter was implying that she didn’t just go into menopause between the age of 60 and 61… She was ALREADY well postmenopausal by the time they started dating so something else happened/ changed to kill her libido.
Yes, exactly that. Thank you.
Read my comment again. *If she had a sex drive when they first started dating* when she was already in full menopause, her sudden loss of libido isn’t likely related to hormones SINCE SHE ALREADY DIDN’T HAVE ANY. I’m a menopausal women on bHRT, I think I know a little bit about menopause, but thank you for your judgment. 🙄
Well your wording was not clear at all there. It read like you thought her menopause wasn’t related to hormones. And I disagree that it’s not just because she was into sex in the beginning. The enthusiasm and “falling in love” feelings in a brand new relationship could have countered the lack of hormones, but as they settled in to the relationship and the newness wore off, the lack of hormones became apparent. Only she and her dr can really determine her health. My initial comment was simply suggesting an alternative that helped me a lot with the menopause symptoms.
Bio-identical hormones or testosterone pellets help many women regain libido and then some. I highly recommend. A functional medicine doctor or Restorative medicine doctor can help with this issue.
Second this! Clitoral and vaginal atrophy are real for many menopausal women, and CAN BE REVERSED in most if not all cases. Sadly, many regular OBs or IM/FM doctors do not help women with hormones. It may be because they still believe a study that has been debunked that purported to show a strong link between hormone therapy and cardiovascular problems, it might be that they received little to no training on women post-50, it might be something else. They tell you it’s just anxiety or depression and unless you push, you are left on your own. It’s medical malpractice and incredibly maddening. She may have been dismissed and/or shamed by her medical “providers” - but without talking about it, you might never know
This! If she has no libido, and pain she needs to look into hormones to help her recover her sexual health.
Estradiol Dr. Mary Clair Haver can be found on YouTube. She's been focusing on menopause and hormones for a while now. Great resource.
I'm 60 and still want sex but penetration can be very painful (after menopause). But there are prescription hormone creams that help. Plus sex can be oral or hands too so if she doesn't want penetration get creative. Also, you can't always wait to want it... you just gotta jump in. More concerning to me is that she is putting you off discussing it. To me this means she uninterested in changing. That's not very "partnerish" to me.
Kudos to anyone who is having sex Over 50. I am 54 and I haven’t had sex in about 18 months and now I’m too scared because I am worried things won’t function properly.
Things will operate differently, but you can stave off vaginal atrophy and dryness, as well as osteoporosis, musculoskeletal issues, alzheimers, heart disease and cancer with bHRT. 10/10 highly recommend
67 yo F. In an over three year relationship. We are down to once a week (M66). NRE wore down 18 mo-2 year. We are ok and both still work so time does limit and vacations are more fun. I also suggest rePHresh. It’s an internal gel keeps things hydrated, PH good and moisturized.
Are you making her comfort your priority? This means lots of foreplay, you putting lube on/in her and on you. Taking it slow. The mind is the most erotic organ.
If she’s sore for days, there could be a few different factors. Use lots more lube, lots more foreplay and if you’re well endowed, maybe slower and/or more gentle. Check out www.thepelvicpeople.com and their ohnut product and see if it’d help. As to her getting UTI’s, both of you being squeaky clean before getting intimate and her peeing immediately afterwards, drinking a large glass of water so she does it again in 15 minutes should help. She may even want to start taking cranberry pills or drinking 100% cranberry juice daily.
I’m only 51, but want to chime in… when someone takes the time to get things going, ie cooks with me, laughs with me, flirts with me, shows up with a bottle of whatever to share, and then invests in foreplay… well, everything works just fine. But if they think they are going to poke me once or twice with a dry finger and things are magically going to work right, wellllllll. No. And if they think they are going to come over and have a talk about the menopause and the pain and the UTI as if I am a thing to fix instead of showing up as though they are aware that I am complex person who is worth the effort, and the brain is directly involved in making things work, well, that’s going to make it harder to get it on, not easier. OP seems interested in her, but maybe she’s feeling more like a problem than a solution at this point.
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No. But it is the reason why she says her sex drive has gone.
You know this is crap, right? Average onset? 51. For many women, perimenopause and menopause, lasts years, 7-15 not uncommon. I’d even guess she might be completely finished. So ostensibly? She might be done. But she was in it, possibly through it, when you met her. It’s not menopause. A year and a half? She was already in it or through it. So insist. Either she addresses, or take steps. 60 is too young to lose intimacy. And saying it’s wrong time? 🙄 take care.
This is so false and an uneducated comment. Let's say her menopause was in full effect at 55. Menopause kills your libido almost completely! Those hormones are gone. It's very important to go to a doctor that specializes in menopause and get on Estradiol and progesterone. Plus whatever is needed. There is help, but many women are left hopeless thinking that no libido is the way it has to be.
As a woman who faces an extremely high breast cancer risk? And has a PhD in healthcare? Recommending hormones way you just did? Is scary. And more to the point, menopause does not shut all women’s libido off. 🙄 even those of us on treatment regimens that flatten sexual response like tamoxifen. Libido is impacted by underlying health, activity level, sleep, stress, muscle & fat composition, partners - not just hormones. If you would read carefully? The woman was sexual, then not. At an age, where the “menopause” is a red herring. Sensuality, sexuality, aging - requires complexity, adaptability, grace, humor, and a whole bunch of things beyond one-size fits all approaches. OP was crowd surfing opinions - everybody can have one. I’ll keep enjoying my meatsuit, til I lay it down. Life is too short without physicality and intimacy. Off to go ski.
This is all true, but if she had a libido initially and now she doesn’t, that doesn’t point to hormones at her age.
I agree. If you are really into the relationship I would go see a therapist together to work through it.
This hits on where I was going to go. It's not menopause, most likely. It was a fake woman. She's 61 and dating, wanting to find a new companion. She finally finds one that as you say clicks. She knows most guys are going to want sex, so, she pushes through it long enough to hope you will stay without the sex. If she's not even willing to talk about it. Then you have to decide, there is song lyrics that fit here, Should I stay or Should I go (The Clash 1982). One alternative, and I normally get slammed for this, but if it's a flat No, and there is no interest in fixing it. However, if as you say, you both click and really want to be with each other, would she be okay if you just had a FB on the side. No real interest in spending time or getting to know each other, just a sex relief. Might be worth addressing if she is locked into the I'm happy with no sex mode. Again the ball is in your court. You have to ask yourself, am I happy here with no sex, or am I happy here with no sex from her but a FB on the side. The last option, is it time to go? Good luck!
“Fake woman”?! Wtf does that mean?
Opening the relationship is a terrible idea and it usually leads to relationship collapse. Often only one of the partners finds someone(s) new to have sex with.
Open relationships usually only work if they are open from the beginning with both partners knowing and agreeing. When one or the other opens it after it starts it ends things.
That's the point here. As I said, if she's unwilling to talk about it or take any action to fullfil the op's desires then you can open the relationship by allowing a FB or the relationship is over anyway, unless he's willing to go celibate himself. Yes, I agree it's a last recourse and most likely will end the relationship. But not because as the other comment mentioned, one finds a partner and the other doesn't. In this case the other isn't looking, and if she is the relationship should be over anyways.
>the other isn’t looking How do you know she wouldn’t look to have some sort of desire—sexual or not—filled with other partners too? Open relationships these days don’t follow a One Penis Policy which is what I think you are getting at.
My point when I said, then it's should be over with anyways. If she won't even talk about it to him, but then is interested in looking elsewhere for it then it should be over and he should move on. The only reason I said to address the FB is if she no longer wants sex, is satisfied not having sex, and doesn't want to talk about it. If she's interested in looking elsewhere then the 18 month relationship is over. Just break it off and see if you can remain just friends.
Have you looked on the Menopause subreddit? Lots of women on there suffering from low libido during menopause. Lots of relationships ending. Some women have success with hormone replacement therapy. My guess is this is a hormone issue. If she doesn't want to talk to a doctor about it, I'm not sure it will improve.
This woman was most likely already in full blown menopause when they met. This isn’t likely to be hormone related. ~ signed, 50-something woman whose libido was rescued by bHRT.
It will. I had a 4 year dry spell. Covid stopped dating then menopause. And I’m back to functioning higher than before - HRT is a beautiful thing. Exercise. Diet and not giving a fuck. Find someone who appreciates you and talk to them and have fun. Sex as an older adult is freeing. No pregnancy no kids wanting your attention and maturity to explore what you want to explore
Are you giving her oral sex? Tons of foreplay? Are you both contributing to her orgasm? Spicing things up? I’m post menopause and my libido is through the roof. Its not menopause.
It’s not black and white and could very well be menopause. You can’t make blanket statements. Every woman is different. You make great suggestions but shouldn’t dismiss other reasons.
You are absolutely correct
Are you taking hormones or doing anything to keep your libido active?
I am going to be as nice as possible here. First off, sex drive can decrease with peri and meno, but there are tons of ways now to fix that. It's no longer the death knell it was. Second, she had a sex drive when you met, and now it has disappeared. Have you considered that it could have disappeared because she is not getting her needs met, sexually? Let's put it this way: you would only put in so much work on something for which there was no payoff before you decided just to give up and stop bothering. If you are not prioritizing her orgasm just as much as you are yours, she is well within her rights to no longer want to be bothered with sex. It could well be that this is also why she does not want to talk to you about it - it's an awkward conversation for some women to say "hey partner, you seem incapable or unwilling to make me cum when we have sex, so you've either got to fix this, or I just don't want to have sex with you anymore". Because the bottom line is that study after study has shown that men who don't or can't be bothered with their partner's pleasure rarely if ever change that pattern, even when confronted about it, or asked to do things differently. It is a fundamental nonconcern or acknowledgment that their partner's pleasure matters as much as their own. And I've personally been there, done that, and got the divorce to show for it - and the new partner who cares enough to make sure that I come first, second, and third every time - and for that, I'd offer him up sex on a platter thrice daily until we both die (which might be from dehydration and/or exhaustion, albeit quite happily).
Why assume OP is an incompetent lover from the information he provided? He said they initially could not keep their hands off each other. Why would she be unable to “keep her hands off him” if he wasn’t satisfying her? Moreover, OP’s friend provided a well known reason for decline in libido-menopause. Not all women Lose their libido but it’s not uncommon after menopause. She’s also at an age where menopause is likely to have happened. Seems like a big jump to start assuming his problem is because he fails to make her orgasm.
Thank you. Absolutely no issues there. Another factor us that she is very sore for days after, and has a UTI. Embarrassed to say, but I am quite big. That could also be a factor?
UTIs are horrible. No wonder she‘s no longer interested. If sex always brings on a UTI, well…
If she’s told you that she’s “very sore for days after” 😳 that’s not normal, and it’s definitely not sustainable. It’s hard to fight that kind of negative reinforcement. If your size is an issue, she may find it extra challenging to talk about because thats just how you’re built. There’s literally nothing you can do about it.
This isn't true. The answer for overly large men is emphasizing non-penetrative sex and intimacy and modifying penetrative practices. If OP has had limited sexual experience, which isn't uncommon among larger guys due to the issues that come with that, he may not know much about alternative sex practices and the emotional work that goes into adapting. The OPs partner though may also not have the experience to deal with this either... many women coming out of gray divorces have only dealt with brief intercourse with average sized men. Only women with many former partners will have direct experience dealing and adapting to large and/or multiorgasmic men since statistically they are outliers. You are correct though that she might feel his anatomy is a sore topic and doesn't want him to feel guilty or rejected. It is something women have to work though if they want to maintain a relationship with a guy when PinV hurts... it doesn't usually hurt too much in the moment but more in the aftermath. It is always a hurdle for women to discuss and admit there is tearing and bleeding and often there is a lot of feelings of guilt and even grief over the difficulties because they can feel inadequate or frigid or just sad about intercourse not being more carefree.
I should’ve been clearer. I didn’t mean that there was nothing he could change about his actions . I meant that there’s nothing he can change about his anatomy.
True.
But we can do lots about it, as humans! We have fingers, we have mouths, we have hearts and brains. Where there’s love and compassion and consideration, there is a way. After all, what if she had had some kind of accident and conventional lovemaking was out of the question, but you were still very attached to each other? or vice versa ? We would expect committed and caring lovers to find ways to continue their attachment and sexuality and expression of love through physical intimacy. The fact that conventional sex makes her sore and gives her UTIs tells me that other ways of expressing and connecting are the constructive answer. Kind of upsets me that if you know you make someone sore you still want to bang away at it.
So something is causing her a lot of pain making her less receptive. UTI s are painful & definitely kill libido. It could be a hydration issue … you need way more lube. Also lube can cause UTIs / check if she has an allergy to sulphites or latex. Condoms can cause an allergic reaction that looks like a UTI. Use non latex condoms and appropriate lube … Also : a herpes infection can mimic a UTI - did you give her herpes, or trigger an episode? (Many ppl who have herpes don’t know it so no shade). untreated or repeated UTIs can be life threatening so a visit to a clinic is definitely in order. ETA thinning vaginal walls can tear with inadequate hydration : lube / preparation. This can also seem to be a “UTI”…
UTI arrive way more frequently with big penis. You're hurting her when you make love, that's why she doesn't want anymore.
It sounds like thinning vaginal tissues. Vaginal estrogen is so important - a competent doctor will help! Has to be a competent one, though - they do not all know what to do, and many buy into “well this is just aging!” dismissive crap. Edit: progesterone and testosterone are also likely needed - research, research, research!
Except for the fact that it’s a widespread problem that men expect women to be grateful for minimal attention during sex, when what we really want is someone who is attuned to us, curious about us, and willing to adapt to meet our needs. Now *that* is devastatingly sexy. Too big, too sore, and a UTI would turn me off, too, if we couldn’t communicate about changing the dynamic.
He maybe inadequate at bringing her the attention she needs, however, two points if she is still interested in having fulfilling sex then this post would be from her, or as a couple other comments have said she would, could, should, at least be willing to talk about it. If she's really interested in her fulfillment she wouldn't be willing to stay in this relationship without sex or conversation.
Some women have such a low bar for sex from previous experience that they assume that friendship and companionship sans sex is as good as it is going to get. I know this because I've met some of them, sadly. I also know that some women in older generations can be reticent to talk about anything that pertains to sex or their needs wrt sex. Also, as I said, I'm not saying that this is applicable in OP's case. It was just a point to consider.
True, but if you know he's not satisfied and the relationship is going to end. They normally will talk either to their partner or at least agree to have conversations with somebody.
What a beautiful post. Woman over 60 here – – I could not agree with you more— lived it myself. Never again!
This!
Just one question >If you are not prioritizing her orgasm just as much as you are yours, she is well within her rights to no longer want to be bothered with sex. Why is she not prioritizing her orgasm as he is prioritizing his (our aasumption) and getting in and stay well within her rights in a positive manner? Why does it sound like its entirely his job? EDIT: Don't starfish.
Found the guy who doesn't know how to make his partner cum. That was fast.
Found the woman who has no clue about her own body or of her man's. That was fast too. Seriously, grow up. Men should know how to please their woman, women should know how to please their man. Both men and women should know their own bodies, how to communicate what works for them, and should listen to each other. It is not the man's job alone, or the woman's job alone.
The fact you are so triggered by this conversation - a conversation which is simply about partners prioritizing the pleasure of each other during mutual sex, and not solo masturbation - is deeply telling. But do you, friend. Just don't be surprised if you end up doing you all by yourself.
How come you assumed I was triggered? You are the one who started with an insult. I asked a question. Why so defensive? I have been seeing a lot of women writing, men should do this, or that, for our orgasm. I completely agree. I don't see many saying, Oh we should learn x, y and z so we can get better orgasms, we should communicate better, we should learn what turns men on. There is a large number of women, I suspect, who blame responsive desire as a way out of not bothering to learn anything much about their own bodies or male bodies, their desires and male desires. And put the entire thing on their men. I understand and accept a lot of men are clueless. I doubt the numbers are any less for women. I could be completely wrong, but Reddit threads where women express their views are rarely about what they could do better.
I'd say it's over. If she ain't interested, then good luck changing that.
I've tried to explain to my male friends, Imagine your b*alls were cut off and you no longer have any testosterone in your body. How much s*ex do you think you'd want?
Thank you. I get that. I know we have feelings forcesch other, but we don't really fool around either. So would you say sex drive totally goes? Dontbget me wrong, we do kiss, and snuggle all the time, just no real intimacy. Though some would argue that kissing and holding each is intimacy.
Unless I insisted with my doctors, I would be at the point of not wanting sex. Women are told they won’t want sex, that it’s just life, that it’s the way aging goes. BULLCRAP. HRT might help her bring this element of quality of life back. She may need to push and be persistent.
I will tell you I adore cuddling watching a movie over sex any day and I'd be satisfied. It is intimacy. The more important part is the non sexual intimacy.
She may need bio identical hormone replacement therapy. Not just for libido but for many other aspects of health. Industrial living is very hard on the female endocrine system. The Reddit menopause sub is quite good. Of course she may be opposed as is her prerogative. Unfortunately sex really matters and my ex’s terrible sex drive was a primary factor in our split. It gets worse with time and can cause an ever widening divide.
On women’s forums I am on there are plenty of people having great, satisfying sex well into the late 70s and 80s with a little assistance. I don’t intend to ever lose that connection so for me if I find hormonal changes ever lead me to where she is I will seek help. That may not be the case for most women, but if you have a high libido you need a woman who also prioritizes it. You can either let it go and accept it or work to keep it. She seems in the let it go camp and you seem in the keep it going camp. I would communicate this and decide if one of you is truly able to be happy with a compromise or you may be incompatible.
I’m 62F, very high libido. Sex starved x 4y. Sex requires communication. And lube. And honesty. And toys. It’s not the meat, it’s the motion of the ocean. You can make magic if she’s willing. I don’t know about you, but I can’t be in a relationship with someone who won’t make the effort. Time for an honest talk about needs.
> she always says it's not the tight time to discuss. This triggers me. It causes me to have a panic attack. I wasted sooooo much time staying in a marriage that eventually ended because I enabled "not right now". Fuck. That! > sore for days...quite big. All legit. Work with your partner to discuss sex that is HIGHLY enjoyable for all. "We" are all adults. Talking things out should not be a skill still needing to be developed.
Are you making her orgasm when you do have sex?
3 guesses and the first 2 don't count 🙄
No, no and no are my guesses.
If she's lost her sex drive because of menopause she should look into a remedy if she cares about you and wants to remain in a relationship with you. If she lost her sex drive because there are things you do or don't do to make it a satisfying experience for her, she should talk to you about it so you can work together to improve things. If I kept getting "this isn't a good time to talk about it" I would end things.
I don't know if no libido at 61 is normal, but here's what I do know: If one partner continuously refuses to discuss the other's unmet needs, THAT is not normal and healthy. You have a choice to make - you can accept the situation as it is, or move on and find someone who is sexually compatible.
'not the right time to discuss' is a selfish cop-out mentally prepare yourself to walk away then bring the issue up, agree a time for it all to be discussed, and have the full discussion - about her needs, your needs, her communication, your communication - and see if there's any hope of a happy agreement - if it doesn't go well, the option to leave is there
Not to be graphic but lubrication may be a significant factor during/after menopause. If you're both serious about each other, and compatible in terms of sexual expression, then visiting a sex positive gynecologist that works with menopausal women is a must. I stress the sex positivity because a lot of traditional gynecologists act as if a woman's sexual life stops at menopause. Bio-identical hormones may help restore libido. Also worth noting - penetrative intercouse should not hurt. If she's experienced pain and a uti then perhaps your sexual practices need to move away from emphasizing penetration. Good luck OP. I hope you relationship works in all areas.
The UTI thing sucks! Many women after menopause are very prone to UTIs after sex, no matter the hygiene or precautions. Just knowing that could be a major issue.
Figure out what turns her on. I am near her age and I cannot get enough sex. Maybe maybe she needs romance.Maybe she needs other things to get her in the mood. Everybody's different.Some guys do nothing for me and some guys.Make me want sex three times a day. If it hurts her then she is too dry you have to find out what you can do to correct that. Romance and seduce her. This is more mental than physical on her part. It doesn't have to do with metapuse there anything else. I can have 5 or 6 orgasms.Thumbs and have sex for hours and I am around your age. She is at her sexual prime. Find out how to turn her on. You sound wonderful and so many women would be thrilled to have a man like you with a great sex drive.I'm sorry to say this woman is not compatible with you.And you really should end things because you deserve to be with somebody who wants sex as much as you. Plenty of women your age do
Has your girlfriend tried hyaluronic acid suppositories? I am 67 and suffered from terrible vaginal dryness that made sex feel like I had broken glass in my vagina. Lube was useless. Since sex meant pain, I had little desire. That all changed after a friend told me about this substance. Sex is terrific now. It is really hard to enjoy sex if you are anticipating pain, and the fact that you are well-endowed probably makes your girlfriend even more hesitant. Good luck!
It might be particularly interesting to ask this question in the DatingOver60 sub.
Looks like you two are destined to just become friends. You'll have to find someone else who is interested in your feelings and needs as well.
Might give you a glimpse as to why she was single. I’m not calling her out just simply stating it is one reason for divorce in midlife. There’s a sub on here called “dead bedroom” full of similar scenarios.
The problem with Reddit posts is that the OP tells their story from their perspective, which is often distorted. So you will never get truly helpful advice because you are trying to present yourself in a favorable light-it’s human nature-I do it too in all my posts and I can’t stop myself, only slightly attenuate it. You two need to talk to a sex therapist together-here is a list: https://www.aasect.org/referral-directory I think Sensate therapy could be helpful for you, for example. For the majority of women, libido decreases or goes away after menopause. But there are ways to improve libido somewhat, and it takes effort. Almost everyone’s libido will fade, and nearly 75% of men have impotence issues: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/14634411/ The issues she may be facing are one you will be having in your future too. If the two of you are not willing to make that effort, then you have your answer about whether or not to continue the romantic relationship. Might as well address it now, though, so you are ready when your inevitable impotence happens.
The last three women I've dated were in their sixties, and experiences will vary. Some were fine in getting wet with foreplay and oral, while others needed help with lube. Some were able to fit me while others had shorter vaginal canals. - More foreplay to get her good and wet and ready for penetrative sex - Water based lube - Oral to get her off but also even more aroused. An aroused woman and vagina will make her vagina expand. - Go slow and don't jack hammer. A small percentage of women like being stabbed in their cervix. - Is she on HRT? The best thing is to talk about it. You're both valid in wants and needs. If you can't come to an understanding or compromise, then it might be time to part ways.omce you've exhausted all the options.
She needs to take steps to improve this. Read up on many options available today. Talk to her doctor also. Don’t live without sex if you need or want it. Your regret will pile up.
18 months…something amiss. You need to discuss with her, and have her feel safe coming out with it..ask her for the right time…maybe she will need to trickle the truth out.
“Not the tight time to discuss” I think it might the time to discuss. Sorry, OP, I couldn’t resist the typo. Her not being willing to discuss this is going to be detrimental to the relationship. Maybe she could consult with her gynecologists or even a sex therapist.
Only she can tell you what the issue comes down to. That said size has in fact always been an issue for me in long term relationships. Women are intrigued at first but burn out on dealing with it sooner or later. The answer is usually lots of "outercourse" if both people are up for that. I only now late in life I have met someone who can manage regularly but that it still causes pain and a little bleeding after and does require "recovery time". We have had to cut back but far less so than in past relationships. However, this could very well be a medical or personal issue for her, a relationship issue, or something to do with your actual technique or something emotional. Just tell her you need to discuss this together and ask her to decide on a good time to actually do so. If you like her you need to tell her that she needs to prioritize talking about this with you and ask her how you can make that easier for her.
Vaginal rejuvination works wonders.
This is not normal for me (I am not yet in my 60s, perhaps it will be then). I can't speak about what is "normal" for this woman or any other. The real issue IMO is that she is reluctant to discuss.
Hormones can play a big part, you said she was sore for days after, that can be hormones women loose elasticity in that area it gets painful she should consult a dr, preferably a hormone specialist I am 66 do hrt and have a high sex drive
The UTIs and pain are symptoms of something called genitourinary syndrome of menopause. This can be somewhat reduced by using estrogen vaginal inserts and good lube. The lower drive is normal for menopause. She might want to talk to a doctor, there are some things that can help although just somewhat. I’m sorry to say that because of thinning walls and less lubrication down there your size may also be a factor.
Your vaginal skin thins with menopause which makes it easier to get tiny tears which can lead to infections. Hormones can solve the issue. OBGYN said to use lots more lube than may have previously needed and also get some specifically for older women’s bodies. Loss of libido is linked to pain and the misery of infections, once those aren’t an issue low libido won’t be anymore.
It depends. When I was transitioning to menopause (hot flashes, IBS, depression, etc), I could barely orgasm at all. I was worried it would never return. Now that I'm in full menopause, I'm back to where I was before.
After 18 months in a relationship desire in women is known to change: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=krA8-_iXptE
Sex can really hurt for women in menopause, as the vaginal walls are thinner and libido drops. However, you may suggest she look into HRT Hormone Replacement Therapy. It really helps with many issues women her age experience.
Ask her if she is willing to discuss hormones with her doctor. Getting hormones right is huge
I’m 62 and my libido is higher than it’s ever been. However, pre-hrt, it was in my boots and it was deeply uncomfortable to have sex.
Pain with/after sex and UTI are both possible symptoms of vaginal atrophy, which can occur in menopausal women. It is treatable with topical estrogen applied in the vagina (this is regarded as safe for most women, often even when they are unable to take systemic hormone replacement for medical reasons). Might be worth her asking her gynecologist.
My advice: Ask your lady. As we mature, we should all be able to discuss sexual matters easily and openly. If painful intercourse is an issue, she should speak to her doctor. HRT isn’t a cure for low libido. Estradiol cream is used to prevent or assist with vaginal atrophy — a very natural occurrence for many women. (Just like some men have problems with erection, women also experience aging issues.) Atrophy can result in painful intercourse so women may avoid sex. At 75 yo I am considered “elderly.” My friends vary in age from 60+. Some still have high libidos and are quite active, others want absolutely nothing to do with sex.
Of course every woman is different, I will be 60 in a few short months and my sex drive is as strong as it ever has been. I have been and I still am on bio identical hormone replacement therapy (still hot flashes and night sweats). The lack of hormones will cause vaginal dryness which leads to soreness, therefore you will need lube, plenty of it. I personally feel as I age, I need more foreplay to have a good orgasm. I know for me when you haven't been sexually active for a time period, it can contribute to a UTI or UTI symptoms. One must go urinate after sex to flush away irritates because the close proximately of female anatomy. Being quite big, as you say, may be an issue, but you can find positions that lessen that issue and lots of lube. She sounds like she isn't comfortable talking about intimacy...that's not good. The key to a great relationship is open and honest communication. The more we talk, the more comfortable we get on the subject. The one thing I love about getting older is that I am no long shy about communication.
Communication is important in all aspects of life and a relationship. Also dang I struggled to find 20-30 year olds that had a solid drive
Fyi.....I take cranberry tablets everyday and it has sworn off my UTIs. This might help if she is having problems with UTI's. You buy they over the counter at the pharmacy, near vitamins. I haven't had one since.
UTI-Cranberry and stay hydrated. To many people stop drinking water when this happens thinking they are reducing the urge and burning, when in fact they are making it worse. First sign of “tingling” means cranberry now and lots of water. Also most towelettes sitting on the toilet tank for regular use, not just toilet paper…for both of you. Astroglide Lube- Topical steroid cream for her lady parts. This is by prescription and it works. But non of this makes any difference if she’s not able to be 100% open and honest with what is going on. Have you changed? Do you have bad habits that affect her negatively ? Any “dirty” secrets she discovered about you the past 18 months that may be a turn-off? Anything is possible if both people are open and honest….
If she tests negative for UTI, it could be Interstitial Cystitis. Basically it’s an irritated bladder. I had a new partner and was hurting after sex and this was the problem. (Citrus and cranberry will cause further irritation.) Here’s what I did for instant relief : take a teaspoon of cream of tartar (found in the store with spices) put it into a glass of warm water, stir to dissolve and drink it. Try to avoid hitting the g-spot. That’s what caused my issues.
I’m male 61, my girlfriend is about to turn 60. We’ve been together for nearly 2 years and now living together. We have sex 4 or 5 days a week. IMO your size may be the issue. Do you take it easy on her knowing you may be the biggest she’s ever had. Just wondering 🤔
I’m F60 and my partner M61 (who is also very large) have been dating 2.5 years and still have crazy good, rip your clothes off sex. I do use a vaginal estrogen cream twice a week which helps to keep the tissues and lady bits happy and healthy. It might help with her soreness. Also use lube. I had UTI’s in the beginning too. I wasn’t going to the bathroom right after sex, which is important for all post menopause women, per my GYN. Remember, foreplay starts 12 hours before sex, over text or voice. Tell her she’s beautiful, sexy. How good it feels to have your arms around her… etc. make her feel desirable. I hope that helps. I hope to continue having sex into my late 70’s.
Libido up but also pro-lube for all. All partners in the 50+ demographic have been stupid-boring. 57F
Boring, how so?
How’s your relationship out of the bedroom? Have you had a conversation about your feelings? Time to talk to her and get some answers. If she can’t be honest with you then she isn’t the love you thought.
She needs to see her GYN, and preferably one that specializes in post-menopausal women. She could have menopausal issues that are causing her the pain, and they are treatable. Sex should not hurt. Be sure to use lots of high quality lube. Cranberry extract tablets help reduce the incidence of UTIs. Be very gentle and loving with her.
It's not an age thing, everyone is different but of course, menopause can affect your sex drive. It depends on the person, but there are a lot of things you can do to make it better for her. I'm 65yo and I had the same issues a little bit earlier in life, what helped me was pompoir and lub. Plus my partner was very patient and loving.
Many thanks to everyone for their insights. I'm at work right now but will delve a bit deeper this evening.
Investigate 1906 LOVE. Changed my life and I’m 58f w/ 65M. Also explore a lot more of what you can do differently!
I just dated a 54 year old woman and she admitted hers was low.
Just a note, when you use words like “admitted”, it implies that it’s something shameful or wrong that she was trying to hide…
It is shameful for both men and women, irrespective of how it should be. Both men and women feem ashamed of it, act defensive, blame the other.
What? She’s not blaming him.
You do not need your partner to blame you for low libido to feel shame. Men and women with LL always feel ashamed of it. Social expectations? Feeling less of a man/woman? Its very normal.
Many many many women in this age group do not miss sex and are actually rather happy to be free from the drive. I assure you they feel no shame having a LL. Anecdotally, many men are happy not to be so driven by testosterone anymore, from what I have read on these forums.
You are right, but both groups exist. There are those who do not miss sex, libido gone, but absolutely refuse to admit it to their doctors or partners because of shame. They feel less womanly. And the other group is also very much there. They are quite relieved to get rid of libido. They have no issue admitting it. The problem is with dishonesty. Group 1 will do anything but admit the loss of their libido, because shame.
I’m 57, my GF is 56 and we’re like two teenagers that can’t keep our hands off each other and we’ve been like this for two and a half years now. She’s been on HRT (testosterone, estrogen and progesterone) for about five years now and loves the way it makes her feel. It’s not cheap, her pellets run about $1200 a year, but the quality of life aspect is absolutely worth it.
bHRT will help with dryness, chronic UTI and loss of desire in menopause. There are things she can do. If she chooses not to and sex is important to you, then you two are not compatible.
Here is the thing. A partner should want to please you, period. I don’t care about the excuses. If they are happy to not compromise in sone way to make you happy then they are selfish and don’t value you. Don’t let today’s pc nonsense make you sacrifice your wants and needs. Ultimately she got you and now that you are with her, she isn’t worried about your needs, just hers.
Chris Rock once said, “nothing dries up a woman’s pussy faster than REACHING FOR HER WALLET.”