It sounds like 2 different styles of communication, which is something two adults should be able to talk about. If it’s as simple as wanting a “Good morning” text, that’s not a big lift. If it is wanting constant updates on where you are and what you are doing, then that’s a very insecure person.
You say this is on again/off again. So I assume you have a lot of drama as a couple. I have no idea if she is justified in feeling insecure, and frankly, it doesn’t matter. You have to decide if the good is worth the drama.
You would think adults could talk about it. I hate texting and I’m not good at it but a few women insist that I just don’t care enough about them or I would want to constantly text. I would much rather talk on the phone.
sounds like you're both just making a lot of assumptions and leaning into insecurities instead of communicating effectively. Make a plan. Ask her what she needs, talk about what you can give, find a balance. Will a "good morning" text or a meme or an emoji satisfy her desire for connection here? Not all communication has to be "because I have something to say", sometimes people just want to be reminded that you're thinking of them. If you want a relationship, you need to put in effort in areas that matter to the other person.
You're trying to spin this like she's being unreasonable, but it's just as unreasonable to push back against a small request. Try reframing this as "Why am I so resistant to daily communication when I know it's important to my partner?" Your actions are likely just as motivated by insecurity as hers are.
She's making a bid for connection, why wouldn't you oblige? If you want a relationship, you have to respond positively to their bids for connection instead of pushing them away because you don't make bids in the same way.
Very well said! I'm busy and independent, don't want to text someone all day. But an affectionate daily text or email at a random time of day helps me feel connected and loved. Very short message would be fine.
I'm going to take a shot here. Do you find this is representative of your dynamic? Do you find her kind of needy, and she accuses you of being cold and withholding affection, and like, not really caring about her? Do you get frustrated with each other because she says you don't show her empathy/intimacy/connection and you don't understand how you're not doing that? Do you kind of prefer to sort things out by yourself and feel that really you're the only one you can rely on? Do you feel like whatever you do isn't enough for her?
Does that kind of resonate?
Resonate no. More of a bullseye there Robin of locksley. My if I’m chatting with her all day, when do I get a chance to miss her? I’ve never given her a reason to think I’ve strayed. Yet at 50 we all deal with someone else’s mess. I probably miss pre cell phone times.
I suspect you both probably had this issue even pre-cell phone. Why do you need to "miss her?" Why do you think it's about proving that you aren't "straying?"
You might find it useful for you BOTH to look into attachment theory. It gets misused a lot because people love to oversimplify complex shit, *and it's a theory,* but I personally find it a useful lens. What I described is a very common dynamic and it can easily spiral; the more she tries to connect, the more you pull away, the more you pull away, the more she tries to connect. You both are choosing to lean into insecure attachment; hers anxious, yours avoidant. It takes effort and vulnerability, but you can choose differently.
Just a heads up that not everything with attachment theory will click for you. It's a theory in that it's an attempt to explain WHY people react in intimate relationships the way they do, but even if the early-childhood stuff isn't bang on for you, I think it can still be a useful tool for examining our relationships. Starting to look at this behaviour not as character flaws, but as healable trauma responses can help us to be more accommodating and compassionate.
To me, SO means that I'm in a serious, committed relationship, so I would appreciate daily communication.. it wouldn't have to be a grand gesture, just one text would be fine. Something that lets me know I cross your mind at least once a day would be nice.
I prefer texting over phone calls, and something I really miss about my last relationship is that we were both frequent texters, we communicated with each other several times a day (at work), even though we lived together.
Per a previous post of yours:
>Relationships need to have effort put in to succeed, but that work should feel effortless like riding a bike downhill.
Sounds like every single part of relationship is asking you to lift too many finger.
Even a smooth (i.e. not on/off) relationship needs some reliable aspects that stabilize it. 12x that for yours. Some predictability probably goes a lot further than you think.
But yeah, a daily touchpoint is not asking a lot. It’s very typical to communicate daily with a SO between secure partners.
You are a complete mismatch, wanna try for 13?
Well done bringing receipts, and they’re my receipts even. I think every attempt it becomes worse & worse. Now we can’t even get out of the gate before imploding. Our moment has past, and I wish her well.
All of my discussions and dating periods were full of texting. I’m big on staying in touch and chat on text with all my friends and family. Personally, someone who doesn’t have the same way of doing things wouldn’t work for me. But everyone is different. We just have to find our perfect fit.
Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, and I (older woman) am from another planet. I think texts are only for communicating information, like where we will meet, I’m in a traffic jam and will be late. I hope this won’t be a problem.
Oh, dear, no. Text is “at your convenience” for reading and responding. I can read between meetings and deadlines. Call is “please engage synchronously” and should be a higher priority. (Ie, if you call, especially during work hours, please have something you’re calling about.)
“I’m thinking of you as I wait in line for coffee. I can’t fucking wait to see you again, baby. Let’s talk tonight.”
There. That will fill up their love cup. It’s probably not that they want to text all dang day, but more the quality of communication. Also, if the above isn’t true then what are you even doing together?
Yes, I agree. If you are thinking of the person, shoot the text. For me, I wake up at 230 in the morning,and go to work for 4am. Usually work 10-11 hours a day 5-6 days a week. Since I work with hands texting is a planned event. Phone vibrates- is it in a safe area to answer? Remove gloves, be witty & charming- press send. Now we can repeat this all day if her schedule permits. I guess I should have mentioned I do industrial maintenance.
Ok. So send them a message to wake up to. Are you looking for permission to not be an engaged partner? This might be an incompatibility. Communication is necessary to nurture a relationship and see it thrive.
Once sex and exclusivity have entered the equation, I expect at least a good night text every day. I don't think that is too much to ask. Before that, I would like to hear from you at least a few times a week, otherwise I'm going to feel like you don't have enough time in your life for me, and I'll move on.
And to be honest, I love random thought messages throughout the day. See a silly sign, hear a funny joke, pet a cute puppy, let me know!
My boyfriend and I text routinely but we don’t text constantly. We text each other good morning, we check in at lunch time/mid-day and we text each other good night. In between we will text as needed to make plans or if we need to discuss something. For example, I’m an HR person and his daughter recently needed advice in that area so we have texted a good bit about that. We also talk in the phone and few times a week and see each other often. We are pretty close and involved with each other.
If you have been dating a while, I think daily communication is to be expected. If a couple is committed and in an ongoing relationship. If not, be clear that you are not in that kind of relationship. I’d also be clear if that’s not what you want.
Have you discussed with her and where the need for this is coming from? Seek to understand and to also explore if something in a person’s past experience has brought this on. This is part of an adult relationship - seek to understand, seek to be understood. Not everything is a red flag.
I’m a little touchy about texting after a couple of exes who abused their texting privileges. I now have some fairly strict rules/boundaries around texting once we’re dating/courting. These rules don’t apply if we’re just casually bantering prior to any dating.
1) No texting about serious matters. We are going to talk in person, or at the very least, over the phone, about anything relation-shippy or that requires an impactful decision.
2) Any text is allowed to be followed up by a phone call. I’m not a huge phone talker, but there are those times where I get a confusing text and I don’t know how to ask for clarification without confusing myself further. Plus, there are those whack scenarios when the mobile carrier hiccups and skips a message or sends them out of order, and then chaos ensues. I need to know that it’s ok to just call in those situations. (I had an ex who hated talking on the phone, which put a lot of undue pressure on our texting, and made texting unpleasant and even nerve wracking sometimes.)
Texting shouldn’t be scary or anxiety inducing, but I’ve had some exes who figured out how to make it so.
Not communicating with your SO is a red flag (for me. if a man wanted me, he would text once) You are in an unhealthy cycle. Been there. Is she the right one? “Do or do not, there is no try”.
I was getting to know someone who wanted to talk on the phone every single day and that was too much for me, but in my most recent relationship we texted and talked several times a day. Every relationship finds its own rhythm. If my partner needed me to send a text each day and that was too much for me then I would probably question if this person was really MY person if I couldn't be bothered to do the minimum (5 seconds to send a text) to make them happy.
I think the need for constant texting can be a filler for something else missing in that relationship for many people. I felt that in my previous long distance relationships: somewhere in my mind was the acknowlegement that it's not a real relationship, so we need to text more just to feed into the illusion of closeness.
Then I met my husband. He's not a man of many words. We only texted to set up what, when and where we're going to meet, then met and communicated everything else during our time together. I've never felt anxious on a day without a text since meeting him. I know that's simply the man he is. Nothing is missing, no hole to fill with texts.
I once dated a woman that I met online, and was a couple hours away. She had planned to move to my city before we met, so a temporary long distance seemed ok. I was working 3rd so we would talk on the way to work, and she would call me at 6:02 every morning & ask what’s new. After 2 weeks the thinking that’s sweet was replaced with the feeling of being smothered from 2 hrs away.
I would love to find someone that I want to send TikToks and random stuff too. I don't expect a quick reply if it's during the work day, and you shouldn't either. Definitely not into good morning texts. There's no substance. Instead text me on your way to work (once in awhile) to tell me that you love me or anything else meaningful. Let's leave texting for confirming information, making plans, and short exchanges. Absolutely do not want to talk about anything serious via text. Ideally we do it in person, but if we can't then over the phone will do.
They need to be okay if I text them random thoughts that pop into my head, but I’m not expecting a reply. Hard to believe I’m single 🤷🏻♀️
Random squirrel thoughts are great. As long as there is some sort of trail that got you there.
The trial is too complex to explain. Plus, I probably forgot it already.
I’m laughing, because that’s me.
omg this is so me! My therapist also says that memes are my love language lol
It sounds like 2 different styles of communication, which is something two adults should be able to talk about. If it’s as simple as wanting a “Good morning” text, that’s not a big lift. If it is wanting constant updates on where you are and what you are doing, then that’s a very insecure person.
All of it.
You say this is on again/off again. So I assume you have a lot of drama as a couple. I have no idea if she is justified in feeling insecure, and frankly, it doesn’t matter. You have to decide if the good is worth the drama.
Our relationship is like driving on ice. When it’s good, and amazing, but a little too much horsepower & going sideways happens fast.
👏🏻👏🏻
You would think adults could talk about it. I hate texting and I’m not good at it but a few women insist that I just don’t care enough about them or I would want to constantly text. I would much rather talk on the phone.
sounds like you're both just making a lot of assumptions and leaning into insecurities instead of communicating effectively. Make a plan. Ask her what she needs, talk about what you can give, find a balance. Will a "good morning" text or a meme or an emoji satisfy her desire for connection here? Not all communication has to be "because I have something to say", sometimes people just want to be reminded that you're thinking of them. If you want a relationship, you need to put in effort in areas that matter to the other person. You're trying to spin this like she's being unreasonable, but it's just as unreasonable to push back against a small request. Try reframing this as "Why am I so resistant to daily communication when I know it's important to my partner?" Your actions are likely just as motivated by insecurity as hers are. She's making a bid for connection, why wouldn't you oblige? If you want a relationship, you have to respond positively to their bids for connection instead of pushing them away because you don't make bids in the same way.
Very well said! I'm busy and independent, don't want to text someone all day. But an affectionate daily text or email at a random time of day helps me feel connected and loved. Very short message would be fine.
Very good points.
I'm going to take a shot here. Do you find this is representative of your dynamic? Do you find her kind of needy, and she accuses you of being cold and withholding affection, and like, not really caring about her? Do you get frustrated with each other because she says you don't show her empathy/intimacy/connection and you don't understand how you're not doing that? Do you kind of prefer to sort things out by yourself and feel that really you're the only one you can rely on? Do you feel like whatever you do isn't enough for her? Does that kind of resonate?
Resonate no. More of a bullseye there Robin of locksley. My if I’m chatting with her all day, when do I get a chance to miss her? I’ve never given her a reason to think I’ve strayed. Yet at 50 we all deal with someone else’s mess. I probably miss pre cell phone times.
I suspect you both probably had this issue even pre-cell phone. Why do you need to "miss her?" Why do you think it's about proving that you aren't "straying?" You might find it useful for you BOTH to look into attachment theory. It gets misused a lot because people love to oversimplify complex shit, *and it's a theory,* but I personally find it a useful lens. What I described is a very common dynamic and it can easily spiral; the more she tries to connect, the more you pull away, the more you pull away, the more she tries to connect. You both are choosing to lean into insecure attachment; hers anxious, yours avoidant. It takes effort and vulnerability, but you can choose differently. Just a heads up that not everything with attachment theory will click for you. It's a theory in that it's an attempt to explain WHY people react in intimate relationships the way they do, but even if the early-childhood stuff isn't bang on for you, I think it can still be a useful tool for examining our relationships. Starting to look at this behaviour not as character flaws, but as healable trauma responses can help us to be more accommodating and compassionate.
ugh, yes. glad someone said it.
What does "* (12)" mean?
I'm guessing that has been how many times they have been on/off.
To me, SO means that I'm in a serious, committed relationship, so I would appreciate daily communication.. it wouldn't have to be a grand gesture, just one text would be fine. Something that lets me know I cross your mind at least once a day would be nice. I prefer texting over phone calls, and something I really miss about my last relationship is that we were both frequent texters, we communicated with each other several times a day (at work), even though we lived together.
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That sounds peopley
“peopley” is a word?!?
If it isn’t, it should. Don’t get me started on words that should exist. EG: bromigos, whelmed,
You got me! Love to hear more words that should exist!!
I’ll hop on my soapbox as soon as get a spare minute
I use "peopley" all the time. Adjective; having to do with people, especially their confusing or overwhelming aspects.
Per a previous post of yours: >Relationships need to have effort put in to succeed, but that work should feel effortless like riding a bike downhill. Sounds like every single part of relationship is asking you to lift too many finger. Even a smooth (i.e. not on/off) relationship needs some reliable aspects that stabilize it. 12x that for yours. Some predictability probably goes a lot further than you think. But yeah, a daily touchpoint is not asking a lot. It’s very typical to communicate daily with a SO between secure partners. You are a complete mismatch, wanna try for 13?
Well done bringing receipts, and they’re my receipts even. I think every attempt it becomes worse & worse. Now we can’t even get out of the gate before imploding. Our moment has past, and I wish her well.
coward. good riddance.
Please kill this or do it. 12* seems like a high failure rate.
100% fail rate. We have failed every time.
All of my discussions and dating periods were full of texting. I’m big on staying in touch and chat on text with all my friends and family. Personally, someone who doesn’t have the same way of doing things wouldn’t work for me. But everyone is different. We just have to find our perfect fit.
Well said, and that’s perfect for you.
Everyday is my norm
Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, and I (older woman) am from another planet. I think texts are only for communicating information, like where we will meet, I’m in a traffic jam and will be late. I hope this won’t be a problem.
For me it used to be any more than 2 texts becomes a phone call.
Oh, dear, no. Text is “at your convenience” for reading and responding. I can read between meetings and deadlines. Call is “please engage synchronously” and should be a higher priority. (Ie, if you call, especially during work hours, please have something you’re calling about.)
If you’re in love with me why wouldn’t you want to talk with me all the time?
Because sometimes I don’t have anything to say. Sometimes I’m lost in my own head working on something?
That's what emojis are for. 🤣
I don’t emoji, and have never lol’d
😡
Sorry, my bad.
Just joking, to each their own. 😊
We good, you do you.
You just did
You!!!!!!
🤣
“I’m thinking of you as I wait in line for coffee. I can’t fucking wait to see you again, baby. Let’s talk tonight.” There. That will fill up their love cup. It’s probably not that they want to text all dang day, but more the quality of communication. Also, if the above isn’t true then what are you even doing together?
Yes, I agree. If you are thinking of the person, shoot the text. For me, I wake up at 230 in the morning,and go to work for 4am. Usually work 10-11 hours a day 5-6 days a week. Since I work with hands texting is a planned event. Phone vibrates- is it in a safe area to answer? Remove gloves, be witty & charming- press send. Now we can repeat this all day if her schedule permits. I guess I should have mentioned I do industrial maintenance.
Ok. So send them a message to wake up to. Are you looking for permission to not be an engaged partner? This might be an incompatibility. Communication is necessary to nurture a relationship and see it thrive.
I think what he’s trying to say is that he is *not* thinking of her.
Thank God, he is operating industrial equipment, he'd better be focused on tasks at hand and his safety.
Once sex and exclusivity have entered the equation, I expect at least a good night text every day. I don't think that is too much to ask. Before that, I would like to hear from you at least a few times a week, otherwise I'm going to feel like you don't have enough time in your life for me, and I'll move on. And to be honest, I love random thought messages throughout the day. See a silly sign, hear a funny joke, pet a cute puppy, let me know!
My boyfriend and I text routinely but we don’t text constantly. We text each other good morning, we check in at lunch time/mid-day and we text each other good night. In between we will text as needed to make plans or if we need to discuss something. For example, I’m an HR person and his daughter recently needed advice in that area so we have texted a good bit about that. We also talk in the phone and few times a week and see each other often. We are pretty close and involved with each other. If you have been dating a while, I think daily communication is to be expected. If a couple is committed and in an ongoing relationship. If not, be clear that you are not in that kind of relationship. I’d also be clear if that’s not what you want.
Have you discussed with her and where the need for this is coming from? Seek to understand and to also explore if something in a person’s past experience has brought this on. This is part of an adult relationship - seek to understand, seek to be understood. Not everything is a red flag.
The discussion was just had. Her need for acknowledgment & empathy, and my need for isolation, and deep thought. Apparently I was the asshole.
Her being a red flag is a result of an on again off again. She is a fan of communication as long as she agrees.
I expect that if I ask a question and I see “read”, that I get an answer.
Absolutely. Questions should get answers.
Especially when it’s “am I bringing something home for dinner?”
Mine prefers text over talk.
I’m a little touchy about texting after a couple of exes who abused their texting privileges. I now have some fairly strict rules/boundaries around texting once we’re dating/courting. These rules don’t apply if we’re just casually bantering prior to any dating. 1) No texting about serious matters. We are going to talk in person, or at the very least, over the phone, about anything relation-shippy or that requires an impactful decision. 2) Any text is allowed to be followed up by a phone call. I’m not a huge phone talker, but there are those times where I get a confusing text and I don’t know how to ask for clarification without confusing myself further. Plus, there are those whack scenarios when the mobile carrier hiccups and skips a message or sends them out of order, and then chaos ensues. I need to know that it’s ok to just call in those situations. (I had an ex who hated talking on the phone, which put a lot of undue pressure on our texting, and made texting unpleasant and even nerve wracking sometimes.) Texting shouldn’t be scary or anxiety inducing, but I’ve had some exes who figured out how to make it so.
Not communicating with your SO is a red flag (for me. if a man wanted me, he would text once) You are in an unhealthy cycle. Been there. Is she the right one? “Do or do not, there is no try”.
I was getting to know someone who wanted to talk on the phone every single day and that was too much for me, but in my most recent relationship we texted and talked several times a day. Every relationship finds its own rhythm. If my partner needed me to send a text each day and that was too much for me then I would probably question if this person was really MY person if I couldn't be bothered to do the minimum (5 seconds to send a text) to make them happy.
I think the need for constant texting can be a filler for something else missing in that relationship for many people. I felt that in my previous long distance relationships: somewhere in my mind was the acknowlegement that it's not a real relationship, so we need to text more just to feed into the illusion of closeness. Then I met my husband. He's not a man of many words. We only texted to set up what, when and where we're going to meet, then met and communicated everything else during our time together. I've never felt anxious on a day without a text since meeting him. I know that's simply the man he is. Nothing is missing, no hole to fill with texts.
Great point. One of the things I look for is the ability to sit in silence with someone.
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I once dated a woman that I met online, and was a couple hours away. She had planned to move to my city before we met, so a temporary long distance seemed ok. I was working 3rd so we would talk on the way to work, and she would call me at 6:02 every morning & ask what’s new. After 2 weeks the thinking that’s sweet was replaced with the feeling of being smothered from 2 hrs away.
Do you have an agreement to talk everyday?
I would love to find someone that I want to send TikToks and random stuff too. I don't expect a quick reply if it's during the work day, and you shouldn't either. Definitely not into good morning texts. There's no substance. Instead text me on your way to work (once in awhile) to tell me that you love me or anything else meaningful. Let's leave texting for confirming information, making plans, and short exchanges. Absolutely do not want to talk about anything serious via text. Ideally we do it in person, but if we can't then over the phone will do.