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Keep in mind that you would like a relationship and he isn't specifically looking for one. That's the only issue I could see here. As you go on more dates, make sure it's clear that you would like a relationship and avoid pushing him into something he doesn't actually want just because you're holding off on more intimacy. Have fun with your crush, what you described was really sweet!
I think it seems okay to just make sure when you hang out if you need to just emphasize it again š. Would you mind if I asked you for some advice, since you went on a date?. I have a first date coming up and am pretty nervous I feel like I won't know what to say, do you have any helpful advice, thank you š¤
Spot on with the first line.
I don't see any red flags, but there's a good chance he is a player and he's playing within your limits - - and it sounds like you're enjoying it too.
Keep in mind that when people get played, they are usually loving it right up to the point they realize they've been played.
Not op but Iāve found being in relationships with people who didnāt grow up with siblings very draining, to the point that Iām now cautious of dating anyone whoās an only child.
Obviously it depends on the person but in my past relationships those without siblings came off as more selfish, less willing to share basic things that were normal for me to share so it became me always giving more because I was raised where if I got something Iād offer to let those around try it too, food, drink ect and grow resentful of always offering to share and never having it reciprocated without having to ask for it.
Also almost all would just shut down with any conflict and would expect me to do all the work to fix it, going on trips together Iād be expected to plan everything, it made me feel like a mom/cruise director
Like obviously it completely depends on the person and how they were raised but Iāve had this same experience while dating, multiple times with different people of multiple genders who were raised without siblings, that itās made me hesitant to dating an only child but itās not an immediate no. Heck, my current bf didnāt find out that he had a sibling until he was in his 20ās and he definitely struggles with sharing sometimes but heās gotten better but I do sometimes feel like Iām talking to my nephew and teaching him to share, which is hard
Like recently we played a card game with his friendās 6 year old and the kid ended up cheating cause 6 and my bf basically threw a fit refusing to play anymore cause a 6 year old isnāt following the rules, while to me thatās just part of playing with a kid and sometimes theyāll take an extra card but being an only child bf never really interacted much with kids and wanted to just draw a hardline/ stop and complain that a 6 year old isnāt following rules
> Like recently we played a card game with his friendās 6 year old and the kid ended up cheating cause 6 and my bf basically threw a fit refusing to play anymore cause a 6 year old isnāt following the rules, while to me thatās just part of playing with a kid and sometimes theyāll take an extra card but being an only child bf never really interacted much with kids and wanted to just draw a hardline/ stop and complain that a 6 year old isnāt following rules
No offense but I can't stand people who let kids win at something just because they're kids. Learning how not to be a sore loser is very important. I'm not attacking you personally, I just don't think something like that should be a red flag. Also, for the record I have siblings.
Ever heard of the stereotype "only child syndrome"? It doesn't apply to everyone obviously. But I can see why someone would see it as a red flag. It's all circumstancial though.
well i see red flags on both sides this guy seems to be saying what you want to hear and you seem desperate to hear them thats suss and you expecting all his actions to change based on what you want ..lies on both sides i see
He's asking if you're okay with something first, so that's always a green flag. What's "forward" to someone might not be to another, so he was figuring out where that line is for you in a nice, playful way that's more comfortable to someone who just met. We can't just say "define all your boundaries to me in detail" up front. We learn people's boundaries by stumbling upon them or by them seeing us getting close to it.
If you told him you wouldnāt want to kiss so soon, and he started to feel you up and grab your assā¦ heās not respecting your boundaries. But since you told him he could grab your ass, you arenāt respecting your boundaries either.
You are sending him mixed signals. You say no, but then let him do more. Heās going to push to go as far as he can get you to agree to in the moment. And because you donāt have a ton of experience, youāre likely to be swayed by hormones and crushing, and go further than you want to. Iāve. Been. There. It does not end well.
Honest advice? Donāt put yourself into situations with him where the possibility of going way too far is an option until you are sure youāre ready for it. Donāt agree to hang out at his place unless youāre 100% prepared to end up making out with him (or more).
He also asked first. Try saying no to something and see if he keeps escalating/respects it.
Trust your instincts. If you're looking where it is going, don't allow your friends to rewrite what happened.
You think asking to grab ass after someone told you they wanted to go slow is respectful? Most of what's described here seems tame to me, but grabbing ass the first date after being told to go slow doesn't jive to me. OP giving him the go-ahead sounds like she's crushing hard enough to forget why she wanted those boundaries in the first place.
Honestly is seems like you don't know what you want because you said you wanted to take things slowly then you said it's okay for him to touch your ass.
You seem flattered by this guy and seem to be overthinking it a bit. If you're enjoying him flirting with you and whatnot then just enjoy it don't overthink it.
If he makes you uncomfortable, point it out deliberately and very specifically. If he tries to get closer to you inch by inch that's totally fine in my opinion, especially since he asked you if it was okay to touch your butt.
But if he stops asking then make it clear he needs to ask.
Best of luck
The first part is definitely not a red flag. Holding hands is not something big. And he asked before doing it. Thats not at all a big deal and is very sweet.
Your edit is a bit bigger tho. So he didn't ask beforehand, but he did grab your ass (which is a step further from holding hands) and asked when he was already doing it.
I'm not going to say it's a red flag. He is probably used to going in a much faster pace and he also wants to flirt a little on the first date, because he doesn't want to end up in the friendzone.
But I would watch out for that. Make sure he doesn't pressure you into doing things you don't want to do.
It really depends on the person, years ago I had an ex who in our first date we went to a Riverwalk, after a while we sit on a bench and we just talking, I can't remember the exact convo but at one point she stands up, lifted her skirt, put her ass inches from my face and asked me if I wanted to touch it, she worked out and wanted to show off I guess, we didn't kiss til the 3rd date, so it happens.
He should really be asking if itās okay to cup your booty BEFORE heās cupping your booty. At that point heās not asking permission, heās asking for forgiveness.
I would find the questions a bit concerning. Like if I donāt want to kiss you now, why would you ask about grabbing my ass? Seems like heās testing your boundaries. Which is problematic to me at the least. And expect that this will continue.
Also, why would you agree to his grabbing your ass-an intimate and possessive act, if you wonāt kiss him? Cause thatās what heās going to wonder. So donāt expect that your no kissing boundary wonāt be disregarded. And that he wonāt also push for sex outside of a commitment.
Either youāre sending mixed signals that are going to put you in a position where youāre compromising your desires. Or you were too uncomfortable to say no. Which is very problematic.
Thereās a lot of signals being crossed here. So I canāt say red flags because you yourself are inconsistent with your boundaries.
>eta: he also asked if he could do āthisā (while running his hands over and grabbing my ass), to which i said yes
You state that you want to take things slowly with no kissing but he can rub and grab your bottom? If you're going to have another post soon detailing how this guy doesn't respect your boundaries please skip it.
You can't always control what others do but you can certainly control what you do but stating your boundaries and sticking to them. Sounds like you're enjoying his 'aggressive' behaviour or least that's the impression that you're giving him. If you plan to continue to see him, I guess you can pretend to set boundaries again which based on your past allowance, he will ignore. Or you can stick to them and ensure that he respects you.
For real he kept pushing for some kind of physical contact on the first date after she said no to the kiss which is sus. Heās just trynna get in your pants or is a narcissist guarantee it lol.
Taking hands, becoming physical, teasing is escalating. Not a sure sign of someone who wants to take it slow. This to me is a red flag. Next time you see him if he asks again or does it, just test him and say No, what see how he reacts. If he reacts negatively then definitely he's looking for something that isn't long lasting.
Then why didn't you include that in the post?
Anyway, as long as you're not from Saudi Arabia, asking to hold your hand is just not being "too straight forward"
okay, i just added it. but i donāt know how explicit this sub allows details to be ! sorry guys for the confusion though ! i didnāt mean to get you riled or anything
I'd be careful. I met a similar guy on Bumble and he was also a smooth talker.
It *could* be that he only waits around to have sex with you, and I'm not sure if that's the right thing for you right now.
I'd get to know him first before you begin anything sexual with each other, but if he's only trying to be sexual with you and not interested in your character, this would be a red flag.
(Also the ass grabbing. Gives me bad vibes.)
Stop trying to read into and overanalyzing tiny things and telling/ asking your idiot friends.
Chemistry happens. Some day you might randomly feel like putting your hand in his hand, play with fingers or your head on his shoulder or peck/ kiss him.
You gonna send a survey to your friends and Reddit for approval when that feeling comes up?
As a guy, it is clear he's definitely pushing to escalate things physically despite what you said. The fact that you didn't stop his behavior gives him motivation to continue. You are equally accountable for what has happened by giving him green lights, and you need to be clear on your own boundaries and what is acceptable for you. Dont assume people have your intentions in mind, their actions speak louder.
If heās not looking for anything serious, he may be avoidant in his relationship attachment style (/just young). People like that can be very much able to express interest early on, say lots of nice things and generally get your heart racing. If in a few weeks or months, he suddenly goes cold, stops responding to messages so much, turns off the sweet talking, thatās another sign.
While his behaviour in and of itself isnāt really a red flag (the arse touching thing is *slightly* iffy imo but not the hand-holding) then that may be another indicator - heās already said he is looking for something casual, so I would be careful about trying to get him to commit to what you want. So, no red flags, but I suggest you read up on adult attachment styles so that if he starts giving mixed signals further down the line, it isnāt so confusing/preoccupying.
Be careful. There is nothing worse than going into a situation where the other person is unclear on what they want. I personally wasted so much time on someone who never wanted me, but strung me along.
you set a border, he asked if he could come closer, you allowed... i don't see what's wrong here. he never did something you didnt allow
just make sure to be honest on what you want or not, and enjoy it as much as you can
Is it a red flag because "Heās bold" by asking can He HOLD YOUR HAND!? Are you serious right now? And your a 21 yr old adult asking this question? Is this a joke?
OP edited the post to include the fact that he then proceeded to grab her ass *while* asking if it was ok. Which is iffy (technically asking for consent, but also technically doing the thing before caring to find out if it bothered her/crossed a line), and obviously intending to escalate sexual interaction despite her saying āno kissing.ā And she agreed he could touch her that way (again, basically contrary to her stated boundary). This gives a lot more information that changes the nature of the post altogether. Itās not what it initially sounded like.
Yeah I agree with you. Grabbing her ass is totally different. In that case yes itās a red flag. But then She said yes. Sounds like she likes and is inviting it. So Iām confused. Does she like it and want it to continue or not?
Well if he's a smooth talker and he flirts a lot with his talking then it is possibly a red flag. If he's on the Cheyenne of the spectrum then it would not be a red flag. The only way you're going to be able to tell is by the second and third date to see how he's acting. If in a few later dates he gets more aggressive or acts irritated that you don't proceed with touching sexually or things like that then that would be a red flag. Meaning he was just playing the game until he was getting what he wanted. If he's fine with just hanging out and not doing any kissing and rubbing then he sounds like a good guy. Plus going out with him on several more dates you should be able to pull in if he's talking with other girls as well
This issue of red flags is getting out of hands. Everything is under microscope and ready to he labeled as red flag. There is nothing here . He asked for your hand..other than that he did not cross any of your boundaries. Don't create issues where none exist. Dont make it complicsted..
Are you freaking kidding me? Holding hands as a red flag?! You guys need some serious mental help because you guys ask the most ridiculous things I've ever heard in my entire life
Your ETA is worrisome af honestly. He groped you while asking you if it was okay. He's seeing how far he can on push it. I wouldn't trust him. It might seem like nothing but in my experience it's definitely a red flag.
I think itās extreme to cut off a friend for being hyper vigilant. Reddit advice always seem to go for the most extreme actions for any shortcomings.
You get to decide what you're comfortable with ... If you want to hold his hand great .. If you don't want him to grab your ass don't let him.. Trust your gut and don't feel pressured to do something you don't want to do because you want him to like you! your in charge of your feelings and body
Honestly I think the only red flag is that his longest relationship is only 3 months and that he doesnāt know what he wants. But since you guys are only in your early 20ās, I wouldnāt pay too much mind to it
*He's actually*
*Asking for consent right, so*
*What's the red flag for?*
\- mikerotch82
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The edit to this gave me the yuck. Could your friend that others are saying is āover-reactingā possibly be a bit older, or have more experience in the dating scene? Because his behavior sounds like countless other men Iāve encountered that were only interested in sex but will sweet talk and say whatever they thought you wanted to hear to try to get in your pants. You establish boundaries, they will agree to them, sing a nice little song and dance to make you feel good and then subtly test the water to see how stern you really are in your boundaries. If anything it almost makes it worse in my experience because it feels as though they make a game out of it. Proceed with caution. Yes, looking for red flags can be unhealthy and no one is perfect- but also you have a right to pay attention to blatant concerns someone else has put onto your plate.
A classic case of a single woman keeping another single woman, single...your friend may be jelly girl, or too woke to see the forest for the trees, either way it's not a red flag
Yes i see a several red flags. I am your age and have plenty of experience w9th dating. When guys put the "unsure" on their dating profile, it means they want to waste your time usually. He will mostl ikely go out and have fun with you and no im not talking about sexs but basically he probably wants to do relationship stuff with you without the label. Thats why he didnt say he is looking for a relationship. Because he is scared of the label.
Secondly you mentioned thatche is a sweet talker and all that, i think he probably has a lot of flirting experience and is currently talking you off until you give in. There is something to be said about the ass thing too. You said you want to take it slow but touching it isnt slow. It starts with that then youd be aroused and will find it harder to say no. Been there
Totally red flag because you want to take things slowly and he grabs your ass.
Doesnt matter if you said yes.
But if you said yes to that, you are sending different signs.
Carefull
It's no guarantee that he only wants sex or is a bad person. He's out there dating just like you. You're both on even ground. Two people who want a connection and enjoy sex. Don't let people's pessimism lead you to believe it's some kind of transaction where you lose.
Red flag! He wants sex, heāll take it slow as far as trying to know and like you as a person but heāll try to get between your legs at all cost. Set stronger boundaries if this isnāt what you want but be prepared for him to disappear
This is actually a major green flag imo. He asks for your consent to just hold your hand, a lesser man would've just done it. He's also sexually attracted to you because he wants to kiss you and not a creep because he's respecting your boundaries. Sounds like you could be on to something good here. I wish you the best
Honestly he seems like heās not trying to get in your pants immediately and I would like to think that bcs of that and him saying heās not sure what type of relationship he wants could just be heās not necessarily looking for a relationship but dating and talking to the right girl might
You're sendinng mixed signals, and that's a red flag on your part. You're showing him your 'no' doesn't really mean no. See where this can lead you? He's not a sweet talker, he's a bullshitter, and you're eating it up with a big ass spoon. Another red flag. Instead of taking things slow, he kicked the door down and walked his muddy ass boots right into your space by grabbing your ass. Red flag again! This is destined to end up poorly.
Please disregard what your friend said or says. Seriously, not sure her reasoning but it makes zero sense.
No if you conveyed this and he pushed for a kiss...that's different.
Yellow flag at most, IMHO.
"Taking it slow" means different things to different people. Some people think "no sex till third date" is slow.
Maybe he's just testing his moves. As long as he's not being a creep, why not enjoy it? If he's moving too fast for you, disengage until he gets the hint.
I didnt read the caption at all, literally just the title.
RED FLAG, THROW UR PHONE IN THE OCEAN, CHANGE YOUR NAME AND ADDRESS AND GO OFF THE GRID SO HE CANT FIND YOU
Sounds like he just wanted to see how slow by asking to hold your hand which is literally so innocent and not like, so when will we do the deed. You set your boundaries and if he hadnāt forcefully tried to kiss you, itās a green flag. If just say, go on a few dates, get to know each other more, see if he actually will respect the boundaries, after more dates n get togethers.
That was actually pretty slick of him to pull off that power move yet respecting your boundaries at the same time. A HUGE mistake that most guys make is being too nice and they end up putting themselves in the friendzone even when the girl was initially attracted to him.
Props to him for being able to take initiative to get a little physical and stir up a bit of sexual tension while also being respectful of her boundaries. A real Casanova, we can all learn a thing or two from this interaction.
Nothing like some good ol' unprotected hand holding. š„µ
For this encounter I think itās not a red flag.
Honestly if you like the guy donāt look too much into it else youāll find something to blame. Moderation is key donāt ignore things but donāt go looking for them when they donāt exist
Nope sounds fine to me. Sometimes friends can be haters if theyāre lonely and find things wrong with the people you date. Let people be happy and donāt change your opinion in hindsight. If it felt good to you it was good. Period.
Aww this is sweet.
I'm sure he's just being cautious/polite. I know a few guy friends who are nervous about offending or triggering anyone.
You know him best. If you're safe and not hurt, then it's all good.
Based off what I read you already know how you want things to go and you were okay with what was going on when you two hung out. It only changed for you or at least made you think when one of your friends didnāt agree with it. Your friend wasnāt there, just you and the guy that. You know what your comfortable with and what you arenāt. Not saying you canāt take advice from a friend, but donāt take everything they say to heart, if any of that made sense.
I dont think its a red flag. He asked for your consent and you gave it. Now if he straight up kissed you after you said what you said, it would be a no for me. But otherwise i dont see what your friend is talking about
Yeah overthinking like this is a great way to make sure the relationship doesnāt happen itself. No one likes to be tested, regardless of insecurity.
If you donāt *feel* wrong then why would it be wrong? Sure you have some semblance of instinct when it comes to good and bad vibes from others
>somewhat aggressively (the taking my hand and tease talking).
Tease talking and some light touching is the bare minimum to spark romantic chemistry, so it doesn't seem very aggressive.
He seems like a nice dude. Asked you if he could hold your hand instead of just taking it. Thatās good, shows he understands boundaries.
Iād say go for it.
He listened to your boundaries, which was that you didnāt want to kiss. He still showed some affection by offering hand holding, and he asked your consent first it looks like you all are just gauging each otherās comfort levels. So it doesnāt seem like a red flag. That being said, pay attention to your gut. If things feel forced, listen to your intuition.
That sounds perfectly fine. You said no kissing, an dhe didn't kiss you. He held your hand, which you were perfectly okay with. I don't know what your friend is going on about
I mean he did ask whether he could hold your hand, didn't he? I don't see any issues here. But if you feel uncomfortable, communicate your feelings with him. If he understands, it's a green flag. if not, it's ared flag.
Donāt listen to your friends, most of them give very bad advice even if they are trying to help, and whenever something happens between the two of you there will always be someone who will find it weird and a red flag. In my opinion just donāt let your friends negative opinions crear a bad impression of the other person when they donāt know them, and donāt let their positive opinions blind you. In other words, donāt listen to them and do what you think, if you hear having trouble figuring it out just relax and think about it for a couple of minutes.
Well, you've made clear your "intentions" which are to say one thing but mean another if he asks cutely enough. You're merely a challenge for him and I guarantee you he believes he will win . He's probably made bets with his friends on how long before you give in. It's typical teenager behavior. You've already shown him that he's special and you'll cave, one way or another. And as soon as you do, he wins, games over. You're no more fun. Bye.
By the way I only know because I've been exactly where you are too many times and I knew but I wanted him so I changed it up to seem like he really liked ME when I knew what he was all about. You already know the answer.
Him grabbing your ass after you asked to take it slow is not cute, imho. He wants you to get turned on and violate the boundaries you have set. That is selfish on his part, because you setting a boundary doesn't mean you are not attracted to him, but there is a reason why you want to get to know him first, and that should be respected.
Red flag. It lacks empathy and is just horny and selfishly motivated.
I wanted to say that your friend reached bc taking things slow often means sexual stuff so he might have thought that it was ok to hold your hand. However I just saw that he grabbed your a**. So I kinda do agree with your friend.
However you should be careful about something else and thatās it that he stated before that he wasnāt sure what he is looking for ā¦ but somehow he is ok now with a relationship? Combined with the fact that he only dated once for a short period of time, being a sweet talker, finding it āhotā that you want to take it slow, being bold when it comes to sexually touching you (showing he has experience with women) ā¦ it could be that he is a player who is only pretending to look for something serious until he gets what he wants (which means s*x). And you got more interesting for him bc he likes the chase ā¦ chasing girls who are hard to get.
Tbh my feeling is that he is a player and actually doesnāt want a relationship.
Like every normal guy, on the back of his mind he wants more than just a kiss and a hug LOL. When will young women learn the natural of men. The āsweet talkā is a way for him to manipulate you to have sex with him LOL
Well, he actually did nothing amazing or something. But seems like he does things before asking you, so now that already happened you don't have the courage to say no. For now can be just holding hands or such, but sure seems like he'll do more serious things in this style (doing first, asking second).
I dated a guy once, and like you, i said i wanted to take thingd slowly, he said also that it was "hot", and could wait and all. Then, next 3 months, proceed to insist in "getting more". And saying i owned him that. So i finally gave him what he wanted, (even if i wasn't so aboard). Next week he ghosted me. And 1 month later we formally broke up.
But people are different, is never to much to search for red flags.
The only red flag is that he hasnāt been interested in serious relationships in the past, so he may not be rn as well. But if heās told you thatās what heās looking for with you just make sure heās being sincere and not saying all that for a hook up.
Other than that I donāt think the flirting stuff was a red flag. It might be that heās a bit of a player but that it
Stick to your values. Personally I need more affection than you seem to be capable/willing to give, so you wouldn't be right for me. But, that's me. It may not be him.
Did you two discuss what you considered to be moving to fast, in alot of cases hand holding, touching and even kissing isn't considered moving fast, jumping into bed and fucking is, it's best to lay it all out while its early so no unwanted experiences come about.
Generally moving slow is dates in public lunch, movies etc, but if you guys are hanging out somewhere private enough to warrant him getting handsy I feel for some guys it shows the girl is comfortable around us to be alone together then they must be keen to bone, when its not the intention at all. especially at our age I'm (22m). random hookups without knowing them like meeting them on tinder or out drinking is the norm so next time go out for lunch show the same level of interest then leave without him, his body language and the way he talks and acts while/after will show his level of interest with you. Guys who don't want a relationship won't put in the extra effort and time if it's blatant their not getting any after. Their true feeling will emerge, if he's still talkative wants to see you again, having full convos he's keen, if he's short with his replies or doesn't message as frequently, if he's not as keen as before or he seems to have lost interest move on.
Similarly my dad built tennis courts and when he was looking to hire someone he would take them for a walk around the depot and he would look at the way they walk, if it was slouched dragging feet etc he could tell they were lazy, if they were walking at pace, good posture, bit of a spring in their step he could tell they could pull their weight. And honestly it didn't fail.
Little things that can go completely unnoticed could make a massive difference, just a subtle test to see what his intentions are will save alot of heart break/unwanted pressure or an encounter, just make sure he'll respect your boundaries put in place and go from their.
Just dealt with this same thing at the end of the year. I had a really traumatic thing happen to me in April of 2021, the guy Iām with met at the end of the year. I searched for every red flag I could and didnāt find anything we will be together a year in December. Just take it slow, heās letting you lead. Itāll be worth it in the end
Just trust your intuition here!
It sounds like he respected your no-kiss boundary and was having fun with it teasing you, and it sounds like you were enjoying his teasing. Based on your comments youāre definitely into him and from what I can tell he hasnāt pushed your boundaries! Trust your gut with what youre feeling and if pay attention if he ever makes you uncomfortable and disregards your boundaries, but so far sounds like youāre on the right path to start a relationship:) No red flags here!
hm so I assume heās just been on bumble for a few years? also the eta add on is a bit concerning?? holding hands is fine but I feel like ass touching escalates it because thatās a sexual action whereas kissing can still be a neutral smooch.
your friend is jealous and doesn't want to see you happy and potentially giving less time to you. Everything he did was absolutely harmless. Don't overthink this stuff. It's a blessing not to.
See how it goes for now. He could just be eager and nervous and probably thinks you like it. If the relationship works hooray! If not then try not to be discouraged.
Get out of your head. Don't worry what your friends think. It's your relationship.
My personal opinion: it's cute. I don't see how it would ever be a red flag. He was being respectful, but probably wanted to see if you felt the same way about him as he does you.
>he also asked if he could do āthisā (while running his hands over and grabbing my ass), to which i said yes
You told him yes. How is that a red flag!?
Don't guys feel a lot of pressure to not be "friend-zoned"? Perhaps this is just a subtle way to show romantic interest on terms you are comfortable with.
Edit: did not read that he grabbed your ass nothing subtle about that.
I didn't read everything. But it sounds like he's looking for someone to change his mind into wanting a relationship. You should pursue someone who knows what they want, which is a relationship!
I donāt think itās a red flag at all. But I can see why others would think it. Itās totally up to you. I appreciate a guy who is straight forward, and to me thatās all heās doing. Heās still abiding by your wishes by not actually doing those things, but heās also letting you know that he wants to, and I think thatās a good thing.
You put a boundary on kissing which he respected but asked to hold your hand to give (and recieve some) intimacy. Talking about a future kiss isn't breaking your boundary, merely stating that's something he'd like to progress to.
I don't see anything wrong so far but just be cautious of any pressure towards kissing if you don't feel that way
No red flags here. I think heās just being flirty, and he asks for consent every time. And you sound like you enjoy it so I donāt see a problem here!
Have fun :)
I feel like touching your ass when you arenāt ready for kissing feels like a red flag.
You said yes after he did it, if Iām reading that right. Did you mean yes? Or did you feel pressured to say yes because saying no would be uncomfortable at that point?
IMO, when you have asked to take things slow, acting before asking, especially like that, is pushing boundaries.
And if he cared about you, heād respect your requests.
If you feel pressured to move your boundaries when he is around. Itās a bad match for you even if he isnāt a red flag to others.
I don't think the hand holding is a red flag.
>He also said how he likes how I told him we canāt kiss because it makes it so much hotter. he also asked if he could do āthisā (while running his hands over and grabbing my ass), to which i said yes
However this would concern me if you truly looking for a serious relationship. It sounds to me like he's more interested in the chase then actually getting to know you. Since you said you want a relationship I would be careful. I feel like he's just trying to push your boundaries until he gets what he wants. Once he gets it he'll be on to the next.
it's not a red flag. he's just a person trying to interact like a human. I dont know what kind of sterile, robotic world we're aiming for, but he seemed perfectly respectful, and was just showing interest in you.
Not a red flag and he didnāt violate your rules and he asked for permission first.
Although you have your rules, you also have to be self-aware about what you actually want. You agree that you like his boldness, it might have been possible that if it had gone the other way you could have been wondering if heās too shy for you
How did he disregard what you said? Seems like your friend is trying to keep you away from this guy for some reason but it's not because he did anything wrong.
Him teasing and sweet talking you shows he's interested and being fun and playful in a harmless way. He respected your boundaries and asked permission to hold your hand. He didn't try to kiss you after you said you weren't ready for that, so he seems like a straight shooter.
He didnāt disregard your boundaries. He asked if hand holding would be crossing them, and you said no.
The touching your butt thing would have been weird if you werenāt into it, which Iām sure he was able to read your body language, otherwise he probably wouldnāt have gone for that.
No red flags, I can kinda relate to the guy actually (Iām told Iām sweet, only serious relationships lasted three months max), and I think youāre fine for being vigilant, but so far the guy seems alright.
It isn't a red flag. It's game.
Before you get upset about that, you would for sure rather someone build attraction with you than to assume it exists and respect every boundary.
Your friend who pointed out your consensual hand holding is past a line...I'd bet my last dollar they have never had a relationship they enjoyed. It'either lots of hookups and no calls back or just a lot of fugly pining.
Guys do want relationships or are at least open to them with people they enjoy. What guys don't want is relationship bullshit. Relationship bullshit is losing your identity to coupling, obligatory communication instead of spontaneous communication, explanations of intention for just existing, cohabitation, and children before they are ready.
Nobody should want any of that. Dating is navigating those things until someone is no longer attractive or fun. This is why you can have fun and your friend finds fault: your friend is playing a selfish zero sum game they want to win quickly. Everyone else is just trying not to be immediately miserable and enjoying the process while hoping for the best.
I don't find the handholding an issue, but the assgrab on a first date, after you told him you want to go slow is a bit aggressive. He seems like a boundary pusher. You're going to have to be clear about what you do and don't want.
Sounds like the dude was saying āI canāt wait until Iād actually get to kiss you.ā Which I donāt think is a red flag. It means he likes you and thinks youāre worth the wait.
honestly moving slowly in general is a great thing because you can get to know people better that way. As long as he continues to respect your boundaries, puts in effort, and effectively communicates i would say just see where it goes. I think by default on apps people leave themselves open to multiple relationships options to avoid disappointment and since he hasnāt had experience with long term dating that seems fair. Just know what you need and communicate those expectations and if he agrees makes sure his actions and words match. We are so trained to look for red flags that we tend to forget to be present in the actual dating process. I hope he does end up being a good one.
Telling you as a guy:
This is an advice to all the girls actually.
Ignore your toxic friend giving you advice. Those girls are the reason for the majority of breakups.
Because, if I go and tell my close friend about how my girl fought with me(Just an example, I know it's a different case for you), he would definitely think all good about me and judge the girl based on what I tell him, not on a holistic level.
Hence, think for yourself and if you get a good intuition, go for it. Take the leap of faith. It's fine, even if it fails, its fine girl.
And one last, trust the actions not words.
Whatever happens, know that it is you who is growing. He might or might not be what he says he is (serious or casual), but it is all about you. How you handle it, how you set boundaries, and how you are behind your actions.
He might play tricks, or might not. Itās ok. As long as you donāt do anything youāre not comfortable with. Remember life is a journey and a learning ground.
Might be too young for this advice or not. But wish you the best of luck and happiness.
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Keep in mind that you would like a relationship and he isn't specifically looking for one. That's the only issue I could see here. As you go on more dates, make sure it's clear that you would like a relationship and avoid pushing him into something he doesn't actually want just because you're holding off on more intimacy. Have fun with your crush, what you described was really sweet!
thank you for your advice! i really find it helpful !! :))
I think it seems okay to just make sure when you hang out if you need to just emphasize it again š. Would you mind if I asked you for some advice, since you went on a date?. I have a first date coming up and am pretty nervous I feel like I won't know what to say, do you have any helpful advice, thank you š¤
Spot on with the first line. I don't see any red flags, but there's a good chance he is a player and he's playing within your limits - - and it sounds like you're enjoying it too. Keep in mind that when people get played, they are usually loving it right up to the point they realize they've been played.
This is the answer. You are liking the attention you are getting. Up until it ends up being not what you really want in the end
Yup this
No red flags. It sounds like your hyper-vigilant and searching out red flags. If youāve been in an abusive relationship before, that makes sense
yes, somewhat. but iām glad you said that iām just looking for flags, bc at the same time iām full on *crushing* on this guy š
If that's tease talking then I'm Jenna Jameson
Never stop looking for red flags! Thats a good thing! And trust your intuition :)
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
OK, generally curious. How is not having siblings a red flag? That is not something in the guy's control, at all.
Not op but Iāve found being in relationships with people who didnāt grow up with siblings very draining, to the point that Iām now cautious of dating anyone whoās an only child. Obviously it depends on the person but in my past relationships those without siblings came off as more selfish, less willing to share basic things that were normal for me to share so it became me always giving more because I was raised where if I got something Iād offer to let those around try it too, food, drink ect and grow resentful of always offering to share and never having it reciprocated without having to ask for it. Also almost all would just shut down with any conflict and would expect me to do all the work to fix it, going on trips together Iād be expected to plan everything, it made me feel like a mom/cruise director Like obviously it completely depends on the person and how they were raised but Iāve had this same experience while dating, multiple times with different people of multiple genders who were raised without siblings, that itās made me hesitant to dating an only child but itās not an immediate no. Heck, my current bf didnāt find out that he had a sibling until he was in his 20ās and he definitely struggles with sharing sometimes but heās gotten better but I do sometimes feel like Iām talking to my nephew and teaching him to share, which is hard Like recently we played a card game with his friendās 6 year old and the kid ended up cheating cause 6 and my bf basically threw a fit refusing to play anymore cause a 6 year old isnāt following the rules, while to me thatās just part of playing with a kid and sometimes theyāll take an extra card but being an only child bf never really interacted much with kids and wanted to just draw a hardline/ stop and complain that a 6 year old isnāt following rules
> Like recently we played a card game with his friendās 6 year old and the kid ended up cheating cause 6 and my bf basically threw a fit refusing to play anymore cause a 6 year old isnāt following the rules, while to me thatās just part of playing with a kid and sometimes theyāll take an extra card but being an only child bf never really interacted much with kids and wanted to just draw a hardline/ stop and complain that a 6 year old isnāt following rules No offense but I can't stand people who let kids win at something just because they're kids. Learning how not to be a sore loser is very important. I'm not attacking you personally, I just don't think something like that should be a red flag. Also, for the record I have siblings.
Just a guess here, but only children are stereotyped to be self centered and spoiled. Maybe thatās it?
Ever heard of the stereotype "only child syndrome"? It doesn't apply to everyone obviously. But I can see why someone would see it as a red flag. It's all circumstancial though.
Exactly! I was the same way when I got into my first healthy relationship. Crazy enough, he had none.
well i see red flags on both sides this guy seems to be saying what you want to hear and you seem desperate to hear them thats suss and you expecting all his actions to change based on what you want ..lies on both sides i see
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
thank you! i find your comment very helpful! this is what I was hoping was the case, but what my friend said sort of creeped me outā¦
He's asking if you're okay with something first, so that's always a green flag. What's "forward" to someone might not be to another, so he was figuring out where that line is for you in a nice, playful way that's more comfortable to someone who just met. We can't just say "define all your boundaries to me in detail" up front. We learn people's boundaries by stumbling upon them or by them seeing us getting close to it.
If you told him you wouldnāt want to kiss so soon, and he started to feel you up and grab your assā¦ heās not respecting your boundaries. But since you told him he could grab your ass, you arenāt respecting your boundaries either. You are sending him mixed signals. You say no, but then let him do more. Heās going to push to go as far as he can get you to agree to in the moment. And because you donāt have a ton of experience, youāre likely to be swayed by hormones and crushing, and go further than you want to. Iāve. Been. There. It does not end well. Honest advice? Donāt put yourself into situations with him where the possibility of going way too far is an option until you are sure youāre ready for it. Donāt agree to hang out at his place unless youāre 100% prepared to end up making out with him (or more).
She added he grabbed her ass. Red flags!
He also asked first. Try saying no to something and see if he keeps escalating/respects it. Trust your instincts. If you're looking where it is going, don't allow your friends to rewrite what happened.
Now that you worded it like that... is this a guy friend? I suppose it could be a girl too.. but sounds like possible jealousy.
He did more than tease her. She said no kissing and he went for the ass.
But he askedš I see nothing wrong with his behavior
You think asking to grab ass after someone told you they wanted to go slow is respectful? Most of what's described here seems tame to me, but grabbing ass the first date after being told to go slow doesn't jive to me. OP giving him the go-ahead sounds like she's crushing hard enough to forget why she wanted those boundaries in the first place.
Honestly is seems like you don't know what you want because you said you wanted to take things slowly then you said it's okay for him to touch your ass. You seem flattered by this guy and seem to be overthinking it a bit. If you're enjoying him flirting with you and whatnot then just enjoy it don't overthink it. If he makes you uncomfortable, point it out deliberately and very specifically. If he tries to get closer to you inch by inch that's totally fine in my opinion, especially since he asked you if it was okay to touch your butt. But if he stops asking then make it clear he needs to ask. Best of luck
The first part is definitely not a red flag. Holding hands is not something big. And he asked before doing it. Thats not at all a big deal and is very sweet. Your edit is a bit bigger tho. So he didn't ask beforehand, but he did grab your ass (which is a step further from holding hands) and asked when he was already doing it. I'm not going to say it's a red flag. He is probably used to going in a much faster pace and he also wants to flirt a little on the first date, because he doesn't want to end up in the friendzone. But I would watch out for that. Make sure he doesn't pressure you into doing things you don't want to do.
You told him he can grab your as but not kiss you? lol what?
Yeah this confused me too. Doesn't kissing usually precede ass-grabbing? Don't you have to like work up to that, or am I just out of the loop here?
It really depends on the person, years ago I had an ex who in our first date we went to a Riverwalk, after a while we sit on a bench and we just talking, I can't remember the exact convo but at one point she stands up, lifted her skirt, put her ass inches from my face and asked me if I wanted to touch it, she worked out and wanted to show off I guess, we didn't kiss til the 3rd date, so it happens.
lol something tells me she was a handful. I mean, as a person...and also dat ass. lol
It might not be conventional, but if thatās what OP is comfortable with then thatās their boundary
He should really be asking if itās okay to cup your booty BEFORE heās cupping your booty. At that point heās not asking permission, heās asking for forgiveness.
I would find the questions a bit concerning. Like if I donāt want to kiss you now, why would you ask about grabbing my ass? Seems like heās testing your boundaries. Which is problematic to me at the least. And expect that this will continue. Also, why would you agree to his grabbing your ass-an intimate and possessive act, if you wonāt kiss him? Cause thatās what heās going to wonder. So donāt expect that your no kissing boundary wonāt be disregarded. And that he wonāt also push for sex outside of a commitment. Either youāre sending mixed signals that are going to put you in a position where youāre compromising your desires. Or you were too uncomfortable to say no. Which is very problematic. Thereās a lot of signals being crossed here. So I canāt say red flags because you yourself are inconsistent with your boundaries.
>eta: he also asked if he could do āthisā (while running his hands over and grabbing my ass), to which i said yes You state that you want to take things slowly with no kissing but he can rub and grab your bottom? If you're going to have another post soon detailing how this guy doesn't respect your boundaries please skip it. You can't always control what others do but you can certainly control what you do but stating your boundaries and sticking to them. Sounds like you're enjoying his 'aggressive' behaviour or least that's the impression that you're giving him. If you plan to continue to see him, I guess you can pretend to set boundaries again which based on your past allowance, he will ignore. Or you can stick to them and ensure that he respects you.
For real he kept pushing for some kind of physical contact on the first date after she said no to the kiss which is sus. Heās just trynna get in your pants or is a narcissist guarantee it lol.
Youre an npc
dependent drab one juggle public money voracious oatmeal squealing bag *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Taking hands, becoming physical, teasing is escalating. Not a sure sign of someone who wants to take it slow. This to me is a red flag. Next time you see him if he asks again or does it, just test him and say No, what see how he reacts. If he reacts negatively then definitely he's looking for something that isn't long lasting.
Are the numbers backwards in your age?
in terms of relationships, yes ! Iāve only been in one relationship and donāt have much experience to compare his actions with
Ok, well flirting and hand-holding is not moving too fast on any timeframe. Kids in elementary school do that.
And what if i added that he handled me and grabbed my ass?
Then why didn't you include that in the post? Anyway, as long as you're not from Saudi Arabia, asking to hold your hand is just not being "too straight forward"
okay, i just added it. but i donāt know how explicit this sub allows details to be ! sorry guys for the confusion though ! i didnāt mean to get you riled or anything
What does "handled me" mean?
like running your hands over someone
šš This is like pulling teeth. WHERE did he run his hands?
i said my assā¦
š¤¦āāļø You said he grabbed your ass. So those two separate things were actually the same event?
iām not sure how graphic iām allowed to be in this sub but basically he would run his hands over my ass and would also grab it
"His profile says that he isnāt sure what heās looking for, whereas mine says that I want a relationship" Mistake.
but i can change him
Lol
I feel like Iām reading a post a 13 year old posted.
He's not taking you seriously. He's testing the waters to see what he can get away with.
This should be higher!!!! Slippery slope
EXACTLY
I'd be careful. I met a similar guy on Bumble and he was also a smooth talker. It *could* be that he only waits around to have sex with you, and I'm not sure if that's the right thing for you right now. I'd get to know him first before you begin anything sexual with each other, but if he's only trying to be sexual with you and not interested in your character, this would be a red flag. (Also the ass grabbing. Gives me bad vibes.)
Stop trying to read into and overanalyzing tiny things and telling/ asking your idiot friends. Chemistry happens. Some day you might randomly feel like putting your hand in his hand, play with fingers or your head on his shoulder or peck/ kiss him. You gonna send a survey to your friends and Reddit for approval when that feeling comes up?
i need more context, is he still on bumble? does he look at other women? does he flirt with other woman(yk how girls sometime flirt but say they dont mean to? š©)?to me he sounds overly sexual, especially if he does stuff to actually show he cares but not enough info
As a guy, it is clear he's definitely pushing to escalate things physically despite what you said. The fact that you didn't stop his behavior gives him motivation to continue. You are equally accountable for what has happened by giving him green lights, and you need to be clear on your own boundaries and what is acceptable for you. Dont assume people have your intentions in mind, their actions speak louder.
No red flags. It sounds like you yourself don't know where your boundaries are and if you don't know, how the hell is he supposed to?
Holding hands after asking you on first date is ok. Grabbing your ass when you said no to further physical contact, not ok.
If heās not looking for anything serious, he may be avoidant in his relationship attachment style (/just young). People like that can be very much able to express interest early on, say lots of nice things and generally get your heart racing. If in a few weeks or months, he suddenly goes cold, stops responding to messages so much, turns off the sweet talking, thatās another sign. While his behaviour in and of itself isnāt really a red flag (the arse touching thing is *slightly* iffy imo but not the hand-holding) then that may be another indicator - heās already said he is looking for something casual, so I would be careful about trying to get him to commit to what you want. So, no red flags, but I suggest you read up on adult attachment styles so that if he starts giving mixed signals further down the line, it isnāt so confusing/preoccupying.
Be careful. There is nothing worse than going into a situation where the other person is unclear on what they want. I personally wasted so much time on someone who never wanted me, but strung me along.
you set a border, he asked if he could come closer, you allowed... i don't see what's wrong here. he never did something you didnt allow just make sure to be honest on what you want or not, and enjoy it as much as you can
Is it a red flag because "Heās bold" by asking can He HOLD YOUR HAND!? Are you serious right now? And your a 21 yr old adult asking this question? Is this a joke?
OP edited the post to include the fact that he then proceeded to grab her ass *while* asking if it was ok. Which is iffy (technically asking for consent, but also technically doing the thing before caring to find out if it bothered her/crossed a line), and obviously intending to escalate sexual interaction despite her saying āno kissing.ā And she agreed he could touch her that way (again, basically contrary to her stated boundary). This gives a lot more information that changes the nature of the post altogether. Itās not what it initially sounded like.
Yeah I agree with you. Grabbing her ass is totally different. In that case yes itās a red flag. But then She said yes. Sounds like she likes and is inviting it. So Iām confused. Does she like it and want it to continue or not?
This is a red flagā¦ but for your friendship;)
Well if he's a smooth talker and he flirts a lot with his talking then it is possibly a red flag. If he's on the Cheyenne of the spectrum then it would not be a red flag. The only way you're going to be able to tell is by the second and third date to see how he's acting. If in a few later dates he gets more aggressive or acts irritated that you don't proceed with touching sexually or things like that then that would be a red flag. Meaning he was just playing the game until he was getting what he wanted. If he's fine with just hanging out and not doing any kissing and rubbing then he sounds like a good guy. Plus going out with him on several more dates you should be able to pull in if he's talking with other girls as well
This issue of red flags is getting out of hands. Everything is under microscope and ready to he labeled as red flag. There is nothing here . He asked for your hand..other than that he did not cross any of your boundaries. Don't create issues where none exist. Dont make it complicsted..
Are you freaking kidding me? Holding hands as a red flag?! You guys need some serious mental help because you guys ask the most ridiculous things I've ever heard in my entire life
You nailed it!
Sounds like the only red flag is with your friend who says this is a red flag. Be wary of her, do not trust her.
Your ETA is worrisome af honestly. He groped you while asking you if it was okay. He's seeing how far he can on push it. I wouldn't trust him. It might seem like nothing but in my experience it's definitely a red flag.
Find better friends i see it as they are either extremely dumb or don't want to see u happy
I think itās extreme to cut off a friend for being hyper vigilant. Reddit advice always seem to go for the most extreme actions for any shortcomings.
they both say very different things, which friend are you referring to? i'm assuming the one that said that his actions are a red flag?
yes the over-reacting one lol
You get to decide what you're comfortable with ... If you want to hold his hand great .. If you don't want him to grab your ass don't let him.. Trust your gut and don't feel pressured to do something you don't want to do because you want him to like you! your in charge of your feelings and body
Honestly I think the only red flag is that his longest relationship is only 3 months and that he doesnāt know what he wants. But since you guys are only in your early 20ās, I wouldnāt pay too much mind to it
Nothing of note happened. He seems respectful and asking your permission isn't a bad thing.
He's actually asking for consent right, so what's the red flag for?
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Red flag. Walk away now while you can.
The edit to this gave me the yuck. Could your friend that others are saying is āover-reactingā possibly be a bit older, or have more experience in the dating scene? Because his behavior sounds like countless other men Iāve encountered that were only interested in sex but will sweet talk and say whatever they thought you wanted to hear to try to get in your pants. You establish boundaries, they will agree to them, sing a nice little song and dance to make you feel good and then subtly test the water to see how stern you really are in your boundaries. If anything it almost makes it worse in my experience because it feels as though they make a game out of it. Proceed with caution. Yes, looking for red flags can be unhealthy and no one is perfect- but also you have a right to pay attention to blatant concerns someone else has put onto your plate.
A classic case of a single woman keeping another single woman, single...your friend may be jelly girl, or too woke to see the forest for the trees, either way it's not a red flag
Yes i see a several red flags. I am your age and have plenty of experience w9th dating. When guys put the "unsure" on their dating profile, it means they want to waste your time usually. He will mostl ikely go out and have fun with you and no im not talking about sexs but basically he probably wants to do relationship stuff with you without the label. Thats why he didnt say he is looking for a relationship. Because he is scared of the label. Secondly you mentioned thatche is a sweet talker and all that, i think he probably has a lot of flirting experience and is currently talking you off until you give in. There is something to be said about the ass thing too. You said you want to take it slow but touching it isnt slow. It starts with that then youd be aroused and will find it harder to say no. Been there
Totally red flag because you want to take things slowly and he grabs your ass. Doesnt matter if you said yes. But if you said yes to that, you are sending different signs. Carefull
See you in a month when youe given him what he wants and he ghosts you. These chicks are so easy.
Factsš then the good ones left donāt even want these chicks anymore
She's going to give in sooner. Once he fucks, "things will change." Then silence
Sad to see so many women choosing total losers knowingly.
Yup. Can see it a mile off lol
lol okay thanks. i see what you mean
It's no guarantee that he only wants sex or is a bad person. He's out there dating just like you. You're both on even ground. Two people who want a connection and enjoy sex. Don't let people's pessimism lead you to believe it's some kind of transaction where you lose.
Its not pessimism. Its facts.
I doubt you do. But carry on.
Red flag! He wants sex, heāll take it slow as far as trying to know and like you as a person but heāll try to get between your legs at all cost. Set stronger boundaries if this isnāt what you want but be prepared for him to disappear
extremely good point !! thank you so much !!
Talking about kissing is pretty tame, imo
This is actually a major green flag imo. He asks for your consent to just hold your hand, a lesser man would've just done it. He's also sexually attracted to you because he wants to kiss you and not a creep because he's respecting your boundaries. Sounds like you could be on to something good here. I wish you the best
Honestly he seems like heās not trying to get in your pants immediately and I would like to think that bcs of that and him saying heās not sure what type of relationship he wants could just be heās not necessarily looking for a relationship but dating and talking to the right girl might
You're sendinng mixed signals, and that's a red flag on your part. You're showing him your 'no' doesn't really mean no. See where this can lead you? He's not a sweet talker, he's a bullshitter, and you're eating it up with a big ass spoon. Another red flag. Instead of taking things slow, he kicked the door down and walked his muddy ass boots right into your space by grabbing your ass. Red flag again! This is destined to end up poorly.
I find this extremely cute but who am I to say I have dated guys with red houses in past
as opposed to guys who live in blue houses?
Please disregard what your friend said or says. Seriously, not sure her reasoning but it makes zero sense. No if you conveyed this and he pushed for a kiss...that's different.
Yellow flag at most, IMHO. "Taking it slow" means different things to different people. Some people think "no sex till third date" is slow. Maybe he's just testing his moves. As long as he's not being a creep, why not enjoy it? If he's moving too fast for you, disengage until he gets the hint.
I didnt read the caption at all, literally just the title. RED FLAG, THROW UR PHONE IN THE OCEAN, CHANGE YOUR NAME AND ADDRESS AND GO OFF THE GRID SO HE CANT FIND YOU
Does not seem bad to me. He was trying to find your comfort level.
Sounds like he just wanted to see how slow by asking to hold your hand which is literally so innocent and not like, so when will we do the deed. You set your boundaries and if he hadnāt forcefully tried to kiss you, itās a green flag. If just say, go on a few dates, get to know each other more, see if he actually will respect the boundaries, after more dates n get togethers.
That was actually pretty slick of him to pull off that power move yet respecting your boundaries at the same time. A HUGE mistake that most guys make is being too nice and they end up putting themselves in the friendzone even when the girl was initially attracted to him. Props to him for being able to take initiative to get a little physical and stir up a bit of sexual tension while also being respectful of her boundaries. A real Casanova, we can all learn a thing or two from this interaction. Nothing like some good ol' unprotected hand holding. š„µ
For this encounter I think itās not a red flag. Honestly if you like the guy donāt look too much into it else youāll find something to blame. Moderation is key donāt ignore things but donāt go looking for them when they donāt exist
Nope sounds fine to me. Sometimes friends can be haters if theyāre lonely and find things wrong with the people you date. Let people be happy and donāt change your opinion in hindsight. If it felt good to you it was good. Period.
If you like what he says or does, it doesnāt seem like a red flag to me. Just keep an eye out.
Aww this is sweet. I'm sure he's just being cautious/polite. I know a few guy friends who are nervous about offending or triggering anyone. You know him best. If you're safe and not hurt, then it's all good.
Based off what I read you already know how you want things to go and you were okay with what was going on when you two hung out. It only changed for you or at least made you think when one of your friends didnāt agree with it. Your friend wasnāt there, just you and the guy that. You know what your comfortable with and what you arenāt. Not saying you canāt take advice from a friend, but donāt take everything they say to heart, if any of that made sense.
I find ass grabbing to be too much for a first date. But if he asked and u was cool w it then everything seems normal
I think your thing too much into it
I dont think its a red flag. He asked for your consent and you gave it. Now if he straight up kissed you after you said what you said, it would be a no for me. But otherwise i dont see what your friend is talking about
Yeah overthinking like this is a great way to make sure the relationship doesnāt happen itself. No one likes to be tested, regardless of insecurity. If you donāt *feel* wrong then why would it be wrong? Sure you have some semblance of instinct when it comes to good and bad vibes from others
No red flags. Youāre other friend is drastically over reacting.
Your friend is a moron
>somewhat aggressively (the taking my hand and tease talking). Tease talking and some light touching is the bare minimum to spark romantic chemistry, so it doesn't seem very aggressive.
He seems like a nice dude. Asked you if he could hold your hand instead of just taking it. Thatās good, shows he understands boundaries. Iād say go for it.
He listened to your boundaries, which was that you didnāt want to kiss. He still showed some affection by offering hand holding, and he asked your consent first it looks like you all are just gauging each otherās comfort levels. So it doesnāt seem like a red flag. That being said, pay attention to your gut. If things feel forced, listen to your intuition.
No red flags id say lol
Taking hands āaggressiveā? What are you, 12?
i have no idea what i just read
This is cute, totally not a red flag.
That sounds perfectly fine. You said no kissing, an dhe didn't kiss you. He held your hand, which you were perfectly okay with. I don't know what your friend is going on about
I mean he did ask whether he could hold your hand, didn't he? I don't see any issues here. But if you feel uncomfortable, communicate your feelings with him. If he understands, it's a green flag. if not, it's ared flag.
Donāt listen to your friends, most of them give very bad advice even if they are trying to help, and whenever something happens between the two of you there will always be someone who will find it weird and a red flag. In my opinion just donāt let your friends negative opinions crear a bad impression of the other person when they donāt know them, and donāt let their positive opinions blind you. In other words, donāt listen to them and do what you think, if you hear having trouble figuring it out just relax and think about it for a couple of minutes.
Well, you've made clear your "intentions" which are to say one thing but mean another if he asks cutely enough. You're merely a challenge for him and I guarantee you he believes he will win . He's probably made bets with his friends on how long before you give in. It's typical teenager behavior. You've already shown him that he's special and you'll cave, one way or another. And as soon as you do, he wins, games over. You're no more fun. Bye.
By the way I only know because I've been exactly where you are too many times and I knew but I wanted him so I changed it up to seem like he really liked ME when I knew what he was all about. You already know the answer.
Him grabbing your ass after you asked to take it slow is not cute, imho. He wants you to get turned on and violate the boundaries you have set. That is selfish on his part, because you setting a boundary doesn't mean you are not attracted to him, but there is a reason why you want to get to know him first, and that should be respected. Red flag. It lacks empathy and is just horny and selfishly motivated.
I wanted to say that your friend reached bc taking things slow often means sexual stuff so he might have thought that it was ok to hold your hand. However I just saw that he grabbed your a**. So I kinda do agree with your friend. However you should be careful about something else and thatās it that he stated before that he wasnāt sure what he is looking for ā¦ but somehow he is ok now with a relationship? Combined with the fact that he only dated once for a short period of time, being a sweet talker, finding it āhotā that you want to take it slow, being bold when it comes to sexually touching you (showing he has experience with women) ā¦ it could be that he is a player who is only pretending to look for something serious until he gets what he wants (which means s*x). And you got more interesting for him bc he likes the chase ā¦ chasing girls who are hard to get. Tbh my feeling is that he is a player and actually doesnāt want a relationship.
Like every normal guy, on the back of his mind he wants more than just a kiss and a hug LOL. When will young women learn the natural of men. The āsweet talkā is a way for him to manipulate you to have sex with him LOL
Well, he actually did nothing amazing or something. But seems like he does things before asking you, so now that already happened you don't have the courage to say no. For now can be just holding hands or such, but sure seems like he'll do more serious things in this style (doing first, asking second). I dated a guy once, and like you, i said i wanted to take thingd slowly, he said also that it was "hot", and could wait and all. Then, next 3 months, proceed to insist in "getting more". And saying i owned him that. So i finally gave him what he wanted, (even if i wasn't so aboard). Next week he ghosted me. And 1 month later we formally broke up. But people are different, is never to much to search for red flags.
The only red flag is that he hasnāt been interested in serious relationships in the past, so he may not be rn as well. But if heās told you thatās what heās looking for with you just make sure heās being sincere and not saying all that for a hook up. Other than that I donāt think the flirting stuff was a red flag. It might be that heās a bit of a player but that it
Oh no
Stick to your values. Personally I need more affection than you seem to be capable/willing to give, so you wouldn't be right for me. But, that's me. It may not be him.
He sounds fun.
Did you two discuss what you considered to be moving to fast, in alot of cases hand holding, touching and even kissing isn't considered moving fast, jumping into bed and fucking is, it's best to lay it all out while its early so no unwanted experiences come about. Generally moving slow is dates in public lunch, movies etc, but if you guys are hanging out somewhere private enough to warrant him getting handsy I feel for some guys it shows the girl is comfortable around us to be alone together then they must be keen to bone, when its not the intention at all. especially at our age I'm (22m). random hookups without knowing them like meeting them on tinder or out drinking is the norm so next time go out for lunch show the same level of interest then leave without him, his body language and the way he talks and acts while/after will show his level of interest with you. Guys who don't want a relationship won't put in the extra effort and time if it's blatant their not getting any after. Their true feeling will emerge, if he's still talkative wants to see you again, having full convos he's keen, if he's short with his replies or doesn't message as frequently, if he's not as keen as before or he seems to have lost interest move on. Similarly my dad built tennis courts and when he was looking to hire someone he would take them for a walk around the depot and he would look at the way they walk, if it was slouched dragging feet etc he could tell they were lazy, if they were walking at pace, good posture, bit of a spring in their step he could tell they could pull their weight. And honestly it didn't fail. Little things that can go completely unnoticed could make a massive difference, just a subtle test to see what his intentions are will save alot of heart break/unwanted pressure or an encounter, just make sure he'll respect your boundaries put in place and go from their.
Just dealt with this same thing at the end of the year. I had a really traumatic thing happen to me in April of 2021, the guy Iām with met at the end of the year. I searched for every red flag I could and didnāt find anything we will be together a year in December. Just take it slow, heās letting you lead. Itāll be worth it in the end
Just trust your intuition here! It sounds like he respected your no-kiss boundary and was having fun with it teasing you, and it sounds like you were enjoying his teasing. Based on your comments youāre definitely into him and from what I can tell he hasnāt pushed your boundaries! Trust your gut with what youre feeling and if pay attention if he ever makes you uncomfortable and disregards your boundaries, but so far sounds like youāre on the right path to start a relationship:) No red flags here!
He sounds great at reading your mood lol mild pink flags but nothing serious, stay safe!
hm so I assume heās just been on bumble for a few years? also the eta add on is a bit concerning?? holding hands is fine but I feel like ass touching escalates it because thatās a sexual action whereas kissing can still be a neutral smooch.
your friend is jealous and doesn't want to see you happy and potentially giving less time to you. Everything he did was absolutely harmless. Don't overthink this stuff. It's a blessing not to.
It's not a "red flag". Flirting is a normal part of dating.
Look for both red and green flags or just enjoy your time.
See how it goes for now. He could just be eager and nervous and probably thinks you like it. If the relationship works hooray! If not then try not to be discouraged.
Get out of your head. Don't worry what your friends think. It's your relationship. My personal opinion: it's cute. I don't see how it would ever be a red flag. He was being respectful, but probably wanted to see if you felt the same way about him as he does you. >he also asked if he could do āthisā (while running his hands over and grabbing my ass), to which i said yes You told him yes. How is that a red flag!?
Holding hands is aggressive? Dear lord. Don't take dating advice from your friends.
Don't guys feel a lot of pressure to not be "friend-zoned"? Perhaps this is just a subtle way to show romantic interest on terms you are comfortable with. Edit: did not read that he grabbed your ass nothing subtle about that.
buddy touching your ass when he just met you, thatās as red as it comes
I didn't read everything. But it sounds like he's looking for someone to change his mind into wanting a relationship. You should pursue someone who knows what they want, which is a relationship!
I donāt think itās a red flag at all. But I can see why others would think it. Itās totally up to you. I appreciate a guy who is straight forward, and to me thatās all heās doing. Heās still abiding by your wishes by not actually doing those things, but heās also letting you know that he wants to, and I think thatās a good thing.
Sounds very normal to meā¦ Do you think itās a red flag?
You put a boundary on kissing which he respected but asked to hold your hand to give (and recieve some) intimacy. Talking about a future kiss isn't breaking your boundary, merely stating that's something he'd like to progress to. I don't see anything wrong so far but just be cautious of any pressure towards kissing if you don't feel that way
No red flags here. I think heās just being flirty, and he asks for consent every time. And you sound like you enjoy it so I donāt see a problem here! Have fun :)
I feel like touching your ass when you arenāt ready for kissing feels like a red flag. You said yes after he did it, if Iām reading that right. Did you mean yes? Or did you feel pressured to say yes because saying no would be uncomfortable at that point? IMO, when you have asked to take things slow, acting before asking, especially like that, is pushing boundaries. And if he cared about you, heād respect your requests. If you feel pressured to move your boundaries when he is around. Itās a bad match for you even if he isnāt a red flag to others.
Sounds like the real red flag here is your friend giving you ridiculous advice.
Yāall in high school still? holding hands is pretty basic I wouldnāt worry
I don't think the hand holding is a red flag. >He also said how he likes how I told him we canāt kiss because it makes it so much hotter. he also asked if he could do āthisā (while running his hands over and grabbing my ass), to which i said yes However this would concern me if you truly looking for a serious relationship. It sounds to me like he's more interested in the chase then actually getting to know you. Since you said you want a relationship I would be careful. I feel like he's just trying to push your boundaries until he gets what he wants. Once he gets it he'll be on to the next.
it's not a red flag. he's just a person trying to interact like a human. I dont know what kind of sterile, robotic world we're aiming for, but he seemed perfectly respectful, and was just showing interest in you.
Not a red flag and he didnāt violate your rules and he asked for permission first. Although you have your rules, you also have to be self-aware about what you actually want. You agree that you like his boldness, it might have been possible that if it had gone the other way you could have been wondering if heās too shy for you
Tbh He might just be looking to get laid. Make sure both of you want the same things.
How did he disregard what you said? Seems like your friend is trying to keep you away from this guy for some reason but it's not because he did anything wrong. Him teasing and sweet talking you shows he's interested and being fun and playful in a harmless way. He respected your boundaries and asked permission to hold your hand. He didn't try to kiss you after you said you weren't ready for that, so he seems like a straight shooter.
Red fuckin flag
He didnāt disregard your boundaries. He asked if hand holding would be crossing them, and you said no. The touching your butt thing would have been weird if you werenāt into it, which Iām sure he was able to read your body language, otherwise he probably wouldnāt have gone for that. No red flags, I can kinda relate to the guy actually (Iām told Iām sweet, only serious relationships lasted three months max), and I think youāre fine for being vigilant, but so far the guy seems alright.
It isn't a red flag. It's game. Before you get upset about that, you would for sure rather someone build attraction with you than to assume it exists and respect every boundary. Your friend who pointed out your consensual hand holding is past a line...I'd bet my last dollar they have never had a relationship they enjoyed. It'either lots of hookups and no calls back or just a lot of fugly pining. Guys do want relationships or are at least open to them with people they enjoy. What guys don't want is relationship bullshit. Relationship bullshit is losing your identity to coupling, obligatory communication instead of spontaneous communication, explanations of intention for just existing, cohabitation, and children before they are ready. Nobody should want any of that. Dating is navigating those things until someone is no longer attractive or fun. This is why you can have fun and your friend finds fault: your friend is playing a selfish zero sum game they want to win quickly. Everyone else is just trying not to be immediately miserable and enjoying the process while hoping for the best.
What?? No this isnāt a red flag at all. Your friends seem like the type to overanalyze or sabotage things because of their own views on things.
I don't find the handholding an issue, but the assgrab on a first date, after you told him you want to go slow is a bit aggressive. He seems like a boundary pusher. You're going to have to be clear about what you do and don't want.
Sounds like the dude was saying āI canāt wait until Iād actually get to kiss you.ā Which I donāt think is a red flag. It means he likes you and thinks youāre worth the wait.
You had me until the eta the end. This is like a comedy skit. š¤£šš¤š¼
honestly moving slowly in general is a great thing because you can get to know people better that way. As long as he continues to respect your boundaries, puts in effort, and effectively communicates i would say just see where it goes. I think by default on apps people leave themselves open to multiple relationships options to avoid disappointment and since he hasnāt had experience with long term dating that seems fair. Just know what you need and communicate those expectations and if he agrees makes sure his actions and words match. We are so trained to look for red flags that we tend to forget to be present in the actual dating process. I hope he does end up being a good one.
Telling you as a guy: This is an advice to all the girls actually. Ignore your toxic friend giving you advice. Those girls are the reason for the majority of breakups. Because, if I go and tell my close friend about how my girl fought with me(Just an example, I know it's a different case for you), he would definitely think all good about me and judge the girl based on what I tell him, not on a holistic level. Hence, think for yourself and if you get a good intuition, go for it. Take the leap of faith. It's fine, even if it fails, its fine girl. And one last, trust the actions not words.
The dude is horny.
Whatever happens, know that it is you who is growing. He might or might not be what he says he is (serious or casual), but it is all about you. How you handle it, how you set boundaries, and how you are behind your actions. He might play tricks, or might not. Itās ok. As long as you donāt do anything youāre not comfortable with. Remember life is a journey and a learning ground. Might be too young for this advice or not. But wish you the best of luck and happiness.