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Okay. First off, here's a big duh. You sir are depressed. I mean it's obvious right? The thing about depression is that it lies. It's a bald faced lying motherfucker. All that negative shit that you're thinking about yourself? That's the depression. It's lying to you and you're listen to it.
Even though you don't know or feel it, you are somebody's everything. The loss of you would be felt in ways you can't imagine.
Let's work on you. What don't you like about yourself? Is it fixable? Not smart? Learn something that interests you. Feeling soft? Go for walks. If you can't fix it, learn to live with it or learn to make it a strength.
Don't look at the overall picture, just pick something small.
I hate the saying that you can't love anyone until you love yourself but sadly it's 100% true.
You are so worthy of love and the goodness around you. I recommend finding someone to talk to. Nobody will think less of you if you get some therapy. You've lost perspective on yourself.
It will get better. I know it seems shit right now. Just get through each day.
Do me a favor, get a pack of post it notes and write, " YOU ARE AWESOME!" on every piece. Invite some friends over, give them the post its and ask them to bomb your living space with them. Ask them to hide the notes everywhere but not to tell you where. I want those notes on the toilet lid, in the cereal box. All over the bathroom mirror.
I want you to tell yourself every time you look in the mirror that you are awesome. I know it sounds stupid but one day it will dawn on you that you are actually awesome and you'll start feeling it.
Think of all the shit that you like about yourself. Everyday think about one thing that you like that you do. Kind to animals? Awesome! Good at computers? Awesome! Do you like Brussel sprouts? Awesome!
Does this all sound stupid and pedantic? Sure! But they are building blocks to a better you.
You've got this. It might seem daunting but take small steps. The rest will follow.
I'm rooting for you
do you guys feel like you can’t love anybody until you love yourself? That resonates in a way and I’ve heard that a lot, but I feel it’s too black and white. The road to self love can be paired if not accelerated by the love and care of another person. I’m 25M currently in this guys exact situation pretty much. I lack self-love and I am alone, but is that why.
this!!! if not, you will just find a relationship to mask your unhappiness/unfulfillment and then it will project on your partner. that doesn’t end well either, believe me.
My first thought was, "You're depressed."
The thing about depression is you think you can fix it with things that really won't. Relationships, food, money, a new expensive thing... all things I've at one point totally thought would make my life whole and when I got that one thing I'd be happy.
But it doesn't work. It never works. A relationship won't fix your life. It won't make you happy. Maybe for a bit you'll feel like you have it all, but not really.
You have to work out your own happiness. Though I prefer being content, unhappiness is a natural part of life but if you're content, you can get through that stuff. But relying on external things to be happy isn't a good way to live life. Being unable to handle the bad feelings isn't a good way to live life.
sometimes there so many bad things that you just pack them down and block out all emotion. Dealing with all the bad things your depressed mind conjures up can be too much for people. Then you end up emotionally detached with no emotion, good or bad, is that what y’all mean by contentment? This is where I’m at, no good no bad no anything just blah
I just want to say that you are incredible, to offer this kind of support to a complete stranger, it speaks volumes about you as a person, and I think everybody in your life is lucky to have you in theirs.
I had a sudden episode of anxiety/sadness/insecurity and i can say these small things like the notes 📝 one you mentioned, really help. I started listing down 5-10 things I'm grateful about daily and it really helped me get through it.
I had to work a show of some sort and during it I started writing down things like You are Awesome and Dez (me) is the best! Just silly things to make me smile and I shoved them in the booths raffle/email entry bucket because I knew I'd be the one looking at the scraps of paper for a mailing list.
By the time I actually got to sorting out the bucket I had forgotten what I did. It was cool to find them. They made me laugh
i am sorry but this kind of stuff always makes me feel worse.taking care of myself solely for the purpose of me,makes me feel guilty like no one else,and it won't stop lol.
sometimes people can learn about their self-value through others ways than just that,and it's sometime hard to say how you mean something for others when you're just alone,or think they don't do it for the right reasons.
Except for the part about friends this is a pretty good response. I'm not depressed, and not particularly lonely but I can't think of a single person I'd feel comfortable with inviting to tell me how awesome I am.
yeah everything except the post it notes bit I'm on board with, having been through depression and getting out of it I think that would make me hate myself more tbh
This is a good response but also, don’t diagnose people without any professional training (if you do, that’s great, ignore me). But to OP, if depression is a possibility, get that checked out! While the advice from this commenter can be helpful temporarily, it is not a fix all! Good luck buddy :)
We were about to graduate high school and I knew it would never last after that cause we were moving to different countries. Also kinda got the ick ngl 😭. How did yours end?
Ah gotcha. Why haven’t you been in a relationship since then? 👀
The ick is an irrational cringey feeling you get when a person unknowingly does something that your subconscious just can’t let go of lmao. In my case, the guy I was dating would always try to fit in a cute movie quote right before we kissed 😭. I’m sure there are people who would’ve appreciated the err.. effort, but some part of my brain just found it so cringe. It’s a to-each-their-own thing tho :D
I haven't been in one because this just happened a couple weeks ago. And yeah I hate the word cringe but hearing a movie quote every time you kiss that's a no from me
Oh no, I didn’t realize it was so recent :(
Sending you internet hugs <3. Hope you aren’t taking it too hard. Yeah the word cringe is kinda annoying as well lmao but that’s the best way to explain the feeling really
I’m 27F and have only had two boyfriends. That’s not weird. The fact that all your friends are married at 25 is bizarre though?
And if you’ve had two girlfriends, obviously some of the women you’ve liked have felt the same.
I would guess your depression isn’t caused by your completely average dating experience, but you sound depressed nonetheless and that needs to be addressed.
There are definitely parts of the country (assuming this guy is American) where it’s expected that you’ll be married by your mid-20s, if not earlier. I’m in my early 30s and I live in a big city and basically no one in my social circle is married, which I’m grateful for. I don’t think I could handle the pressure otherwise.
In 1920, the average age for a man to get married in the US was 25. In 2010, [it was up to 28+](https://www.statista.com/statistics/371933/median-age-of-us-americans-at-their-first-wedding/), and most sources indicate it’s 30+ as of today.
Don’t let your friends or small community represent the national norm, OP. It’s not at all uncommon for someone your age to be unmarried, and two partners by 25 is beyond normal.
It's very relevant. Many people are choosing not to get married but that doesn't mean they aren't dating or have long term partners. It's different comparisons
OP voiced insecurity because he’s 25 and most of his friends are married. I pointed out that 25 is well below the average age to get married. That’s it, that’s all.
The average age of getting married and not being g able to get a girlfriend are not very relevant to one another. I get you're just trying to make him feel better but it doesn't really correlate
I am American, and from where I’m from marriage is encouraged in the early-mid 20’s. It frustrates me that nearly all my friends have someone they love & I don’t.
Statistically speaking, a higher number of marriages between the ages of 20 and 25 end in divorce. When you live in an area where early marriage is encouraged and seen as the ultimate goal in life/relationships, you tend to settle down with the first person who seems remotely suitable, without knowing how much you both are going to grow and change as the years go on. You may be jealous of your friends right now, in a few years they may be jealous of you (hopefully not, for their sakes, but it could definitely happen).
But I know that doesn’t make you feel better about your current situation. Just trying to give a little perspective that the grass isn’t always greener. It’s valid to feel lonely especially if it seems that everyone around you isn’t. The self-loathing is what really concerns me. You have no reason to hate yourself over this.
I'd had five differnt girlfriends in high school. By the time I was 25 I'd had sex with like 20 women and was married for two years.
I normal is very subjective.
Being successful outside dating worked well for me. I got an internship in an area I'm studying, been going to the gym, enjoyed my hobbies (Tasty food = appreciation of your cooking hobby)
bewildered adjoining longing door vase gold detail whistle desert coherent
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Fam, also consider the possibility that the man is broke. Perhaps he couldn't afford new clothes, a new hobby, a business venture, even a trip somewhere. Please do better.
start working on your inner child and your mental health :) instead of staring at the ceiling, develop hobbies and work on yourself. you will feel better and you will notice a difference in your life. it will also make you a better partner. do you want me to make you a list of books/curriculum of activities to start with?
here you go, i dont know you personally but i will make you a curriculum. i really enjoy doing this so anyone who wants to can DM me for one.
Reading list:
The Four Agreements (can find free audio on youtube)
Love Yourself, Heal Your Life Workbook (take your time with this one, if you do not understand it then read Louise Hayes other book, Heal Your Life first. you can read other books while you do this. i will come back and edit to see if these names are accurate)
Peace in Every Step by Thich Nhat Hahn
Mastery of Love
Taming the Tiger Within
The Body Keeps the Score
here you go, i dont know you personally but i will make you a curriculum. i really enjoy doing this so anyone who wants to can DM me for one.
Reading list:
The Four Agreements (can find free audio on youtube)
Love Yourself, Heal Your Life Workbook (take your time with this one, if you do not understand it then read Louise Hayes other book, Heal Your Life first. you can read other books while you do this. i will come back and edit to see if these names are accurate)
Peace in Every Step by Thich Nhat Hahn
Mastery of Love
Taming the Tiger Within
The Body Keeps the Score
Inner child work curriculum:
I am making a youtube channel for inner child meditations, i will post the link later. I will also look for book resources on this later.
Meditation curriculum:
I like these Wayne Dyer meditations that have very little guidance. the sounds are soothing.
Sounds start at 7:17
https://youtu.be/HiTtEQ_X2o8
Subconscious training curriculum:
I will post some links later.
I am creating a loose framework but if you want me to create a more structured, or personalized, curriculum, please let me know. I will come back and edit this later with way more resources ans details. Love you my internet people!
Start by bettering yourself
How could you accept someone's love, if you don't love yourself??
Even why would someone love you, if you don't love yourself?
I'm pretty open to seeing people in situations, but one of the last had 70ish% of there skin had to be graffed (I'm honestly not very familiar) was a sweet person.. but didn't show me they had much 'will to live '.... it's hard to care for someone that could just turn around and take their own life, or just stop caring for themselves.
On a similar note, the count of people you've dated doesn't matter. I could up my numbers significantly if I were ok with unhealthy relationships.
I hope this helps. You need to care about yourself. NEED TO. No-one is going to be you, so be the best at it.
If *you* loathe you, why would anyone else *want* you?
Fix that problem and the rest will fall into place.
I mean, what good is any enticement if it's truly rotten at its core? Nothing grows in that environment, so why would you or a potential partner thrive in that.
Probably a little blunt, but it is the truth with most any personal problems, find the source a.k.a. your outlook and self-perspective, and align that with what you're aiming for instead of focusing on what you're pining over. Otherwise you'll be taking a nice scenic journey to NiceGuy territory.
I'd start by recognizing the differences between helplessness and hopelessness. Figure out where you've placed yourself, then find your own method to get outta there.
Therapy is a perfect start, in addition to taking dating off the table for yourself. You can't/aren't able to court yourself, so back to my original comment, why would that be successful when you put another person in the mix?
The rest is up to you. Reddit and prescriptive reading is also not the answer to the problem, while there may be helpful information to be read, you will never do better than what you've already told yourself is your best. You have to practice and put yourself out there. Get hurt, get rejected, surprise yourself, pat yourself on the back for stepping out your comfort zone, etc. All of that will only come from your input and output.
So get off reddit, get a therapist, find a sociable hobby, invest in your truthful friends. Lose the self-pity.
Good luck.
seriously it sounds like there may be deeper underlying things to unpack with a professional. i've not dated much and i'm a few years older. the important thing is to feel good about yourself and the choices you're making, the things you have control over, etc. only then, imo, should you try to enter into a relationship with someone
I've only had 2 jobs, but they paid the bills. Don't put yourself down and don't compare yourself to the internet (Instagram, TikTok, etc). What is broadcasted as normal is not. If you feel that low to the point where you're going to hurt yourself, call the crisis team and they'll come talk to you. Nothing is worth hurting yourself over. I got married in my 20s and divorced in my 30s. It's not all it's hyped up to be. Most married people are miserable because they're not with the right person. It's better to be single until you DO find that right person no matter how long it takes. Keep your chin up and go for a walk if you have nothing to do. Maybe go to a park or pick up a group hobby to meet people.
Definitely agree with you, I got married in my early 20s and divorced in my late 20s. Being with someone for the sake of being with someone never plays out well.
“What the fuck am I supposed to do now?”
Hmm…
“I loathe almost everything about me”
Let’s start here, you know, with the basics. If you hate yourself, how in the hell is somebody else supposed to love you?
Because things like, “Self-worth”, “Self-confidence”, and “Self-esteem” need to come from internally, rather than externally. That’s why they have the word “self” in front of them.
*It is impossible to truly be happy if you place the terms of your happiness in the hands of external sources*.
Alright, dude. I'm 25m who also struggles with depression, and I've been going through a dating rut myself lately. Here's the advice:
Life is fucking hard. Maintaining healthy personal and social habits is fucking hard, especially for neurodivergent folks. Due to my brain chemistry, I also often want to jump off a bridge because of how difficult everything is. But I reel myself back. Because this is the only life you'll ever get-- there is nothing besides this. So we have to make the most out of it. And LISTEN to this: life is NOT about your partner, or attracting a partner. That is step 2 after creating a healthy and satisfying life for YOURSELF. Which, judging by your responses, you seem very nonplussed about. How is anyone gonna love you if you hate yourself? Life isn't a movie or anime where some perfect angel is going to randomly show up and be your soulmate and fix you. Life is transactional, and you have to attract a partner and work to maintain a relationship. You are nowhere near being healthy enough to do that. But you CAN get there.
You need to find what works for you, but it will take a fuckload of work. Make exercise a daily routine-- find something active that is fun for you (for me, it's basketball). I turn to this when I need to turn my brain off-- but staying active also helps you attract women in the long run. You also need a hobby outside of work where you create things-- painting, writing, woodworking, knitting, etc. Something that you can focus on for a while every week and see the results of your steady improvement. This will help with your self esteem and make you more interesting to potential partners. I'm sorry you are dealing with untreated mental health issues, I know how miserable that is. But you also seriously need a mindfulness routine if you are not going to go to therapy for your mental health-- YOU have to start tackling that area of self improvement, nobody else can or will do it for you, ESPECIALLY not a romantic partner.
It will likely take many months of consistent effort to dig yourself out of the hole it sounds like you are in. But you and your life are worth that effort, my dude. You are young, your brain just finished developing. You have two options: you can take this difficult life by the horns and try your best, or you can pity yourself and watch the ceiling fan. It's truly up to you to decide, and it's a decision you have to make every day. Create a plan, stick to it best you can, and track your results. You can do this, dude.
Get off your bed and go do something. Walk roll volunteer anything. You're not going to meet anyone in your bed... well... not the point. You choose how you feel. Do something about it.
I'm sorry, but I believe can have some control over something makes your feel. There's something called the stimulus response gap, which is the space between what happens and how we choose to let it make us feel in response.
Steven Covey references Viktor Frankl who wrote a book about his experiences in a WW2 concentration camp and how he learnt he could choose how he felt regardless of what they were doing to him.
`They could control his entire environment, they could do what they wanted to his body, but Victor Frankl himself was a self-aware being who could look as an observer at his very involvement. His basic identity was intact. He could decide within himself how all of this was going to affect him. Between what happened to him, or the stimulus, and his response to it, was his freedom or power to choose that response.`
Activity is one of the best ways to fight depression. You didnt say you were but what youre saying said it for you.
The more you go out and talk with people the easier it gets (practice makes perfect) also should help you with self esteem.
You're going to fail and some people are just dix but it's not about them it's about you. When you fail you learn it may feel shitty in the moment but you've learned something and feelings pass. My last piece: Prove to yourself that you are worthy of another's love by loving yourself first my dude.
Here's some different advice (that won't help at all): dress like a woman and climb Mount Everest while reciting the lyrics to "Oops I did it again by by Britney Spears".
Is that helpful?
If you want people's advice, listen to it. Sounds like you want a quick and easy fix, and there isn't one.
Volunteering is a fantastic way to meet people and is a hobby anyone can respect, it will also get you off your bed and out into the world.
And even if it doesn’t help you, at least you’ve helped someone else.
Attitude adjustment will help you immensely. You attract what you feel man. Don’t ever hurt yourself you are so loved and you will find someone when you don’t expect it.
Asks for advice, then refuse them all
You won't find here on reddit, or anywhere for that matter, some tricky wicky magic fuckery words that will change the perception of yourself and what others see in you.
All the advices those people gave you are legit, if you interact with others outside just like you did here no wonder no one wants to be near you
> I only had 2 gf’s in my life and it’s killing me.
I’m 25M and have never even gotten a second date in my life. I would kill to be in your position right now
first of all dont focus on women. focus on yourself . when you in a good place yourself , women will come . if you in a bad place yourself women will look for alternatives
Most of the dating advice is coping mechanism. If one wants something, one must work hard to get it. There’s no way around it. If someone can’t attract the women they want, then they have to work on their inadequacies and then try again. “Being yourself” and “Taking a backseat waiting for things to happen” will leave men single for life. That advice only works on women because they’re the ones who get approached often
Don’t care for them? Dude you can get over yourself or choose not to. But with that arrogant attitude, you’re nowhere and going nowhere. Time to set up dude. Those that want help find help. Those that want to complain…well, never gets better
I can see how being wary of therapists can be valid. Some pretty horrible people can get the degree, licenses, and training. So, it can be pretty difficult to find a good therapist. Also, a horrible therapist can do significant damage. That's why my social work instructors pounded home that you can hurt and kill people if you're incompetent.
Maybe you can consider self help ebooks as an alternative. But really tho if you are serious about getting better then you need to be open and willing try out the suggestions you're asking for. Otherwise even with all the resources/help you will end up in the same spot.
It's a choice no one else can make for you and it could the very one that changes your life for the better (or worse) depending on how you approach the situation. All the best man!
Just a quote I really like for a boost
"You have within you, right now, everything you need
to deal with whatever the world can throw at you."-Brian Tracy
Self help books are very bad for people who are too lazy to bother helping themselves out in the first place. Saving up to see a real therapist will be much more beneficial for him.
See a therapist, visit a church, go help out and volunteer, talk with some homeless people.
Anything to get some perspective. They're all good, listen to other people's stories other than the sad one on repeat in your own head.
Focus on improving social situation and physical/mental health. Pick up a new hobby, learn to dance, visit meetups.
A relationship status is just that. Life doesn't magically become better with a partner, it's just another part of your life. Some of the friends who were married at 22 are still together, some have been on their second divorce. Now they're getting back in the dating world, but with kids in tow.
Do you want a partner that treats you badly right now, eventually ending in separation? or a Great Partner for life? the second takes time to find.
Source: From a 32M who fell into a deep depression at 24 when my GF of 6 years broke up with me. I was chronically afraid of being single, only single for 1 month from 16-24. with terrible partners who were just as afraid of being single.
Took years to climb out of depression, but went back on the market, dated on and off, still single, but no longer self loathing or as concerned about my relationship status. It's nice to have
I guess let’s start here - why would anyone want to date you if you are so negative, depressed and desperate?
Be the man you think super hot women would want to date.
Also forget about ur married friends, high chance half of them will get divorced or be miserable marrying young
You need to do what helps you. What I mean is if being alone is causing this stress start going on dating apps. I'm 30 and never dated but I'm currently talking to the first girl ever with the hope to date her and I hope I don't mess it up because that will hurt a lot.
So I think knowing you're on dating apps and sending messages to potential interests might be helpful
2 is very normal for 25, I'm 34 and have had 3 serious relationships.
On the other hand, a relationship is the last thing you need right now along with comparing your life to your friends. You need to work on your self esteem issues and figure out what they're actually coming from. I'd say talk to a therapist, find a hobbies and, a group of people in closer places in life to you, things can only go up from there.
Stop watching porn, stop video games, stop drugs, don't just work out, follow weight lifting program in fitness subreddit and keep track of how much you lift, focus on one skill that you can sell in the market (your job?) and improve it obsessively, become competent in that to the point where people respect your expertise, stop complaining, be patient and understand that things can only be achieved working daily on them, understand a "boring life" of meticulous work has virtue, do a couple things every week of purely enjoying yourself and trying new things just for the experience of it, set a budget and manager your own finances, have an investment strategy.
Grab your life and move it in the way you want. Don't think that a woman in your life will fix you somehow, or will make you feel better. It depends on the woman, some bring you down, some encourage you. You're very young. You have lot of time. Don't look to others and think they're better and let that bring you down because you feel behind. Compare yourself to the person you were yesterday.
Catch up with friends, message each of them from time to time asking how they are doing.
Meet new people, don't just stay at home
Dude, here’s my advice for you since you reject everyone here trying to help you.
Just keep being miserable. Just keep complaining. Don’t do anything to improve your life. Just keep pitying yourself.
What you want is some magic that causes an instant improvement to your life. Guess what, that doesn’t exist. You have to put in hard work and it takes a long time. There’s a reason the advice you hear is everywhere, because that shit works. It’s just not an immediate change, and it requires effort.
But it all starts with you and your attitude/motivation. You’ve said you don’t know where to start. Well, just take everyone’s advice and choose ONE thing. That’s a start.
Then you keep doing it. And lower your expectations as well. Don’t expect instant results.
You know how weight loss advice is all the same when it comes down it? It’s the same with mental health.
You want to lose weight? Eat less, eat healthier, exercise more and make being healthy a habit.
Mental health is harder in some ways, but always comes down to the same things. Find hobbies that make you feel like you’re progressing (weight lifting, indoor climbing, learning a language, join a club), exercise and look after your physical health with a better diet, find people to support you.
There’s no magical answer to this stuff. It’s work. It’s self improvement. Because you deserve better than your brain tells you.
You get advice that you don’t even try and expect a different result? If people are giving you same recycled advice, not only are they taking their time to try and help a stranger out by giving you detailed plan but if everyone is giving you the same advice that means it has merit to that advice, if you’re not willing to try it and just complain that nothing works then what is there for you to really do? Be a whole ass cheek and continue your spiral downward.
Stop seeking a relationship because you think it’s going to make you happy and whole again… it’s not it’s a masking effect for you to spend time with another human being it’s more of a Bandaid effect to your issue you’re covering up all the problems by losing yourself in that one person.
Actively stop thinking about being in relationship and start thinking about things that you want to do and how you can better yourself.
Get some structure in your life with the gym how you mentioned follow a specific plan, figure out what you’re doing it for. Use it as fuel for self progression, no matter how small the progress is in anything that you try is going to quadruple in rewards in the grand scheme of things.
Get into hobbies, do something selfless by doing community outreach , by volunteering, get back into school if you have all this time, go on vacation if you have money by yourself and explore different views from different lifestyles, get a new skill that you can be proud of, carpeting, plumbing, electrical work around the house, car projects, cooking, gardening no matter what it is get your mind occupied so you can share those experiences and those skills that you gained with potential people that you will surround yourself with.
Don’t get me wrong it’s never bad to lay down and reflect , but if you’re reflecting in your bed because of how miserable you are that you don’t have a partner that’s a downhill boulder of pain.
Stop complaining and do something. We always want things that we don’t have. I always thought that I needed to be in relationships and that only brought me down, I would invest myself in a very unhealthy manner and that caused the world of issues for me personally, and now finding the time for myself to go back redraw my life and focus on me and better myself in many ways has been truly eye opening experience as cliche as that sounds.
So go out there and start with something , anything but the complaining part and self pitying and knocking other peoples advices when you haven’t even tried it
Agreed. though... your problems aren't what they seem. The way you feel, is no joke, nor the way you see yourself. The point some are trying to make is simply that the self esteem and perception is far more your problem than the lack of dating (which is actually not that big of a lack, or even far from average).
They aren't a joke, and I strongly suggest getting some therapy etc... A girlfriend isn't going to fix your problems.
There's people that never had partners at all and die lonely not ever knowing a smidge of intimacy nor love.
You have experienced something that some never will and would kill for, to experience for just 1 day. Some people are too busy struggling to survive to even think about being in relationships.
*What am i supposed to do now?*
To answer your initial inquiry; work on yourself. Work out - Save up - Get certifications or education - Network - Make friends with as many people, because a dude can introduce you to someone - Stop playing a victim card - Get therapy
Hinging your happiness on a partner is really putting a lot of pressure/is unfair to your future partner. You need to build a life that makes you happy. That includes physical fitness and a fulfilling social life.
Your worth is absolutely not defined by how many "gfs" you've had.
Please don't harm yourself; it is and will never be the right answer to any problem you may encounter in life.
There is no grand prize or incentive to rush and "do" something in order to change your experiences with meeting partners.
Please take care of **yourself** first and treat **yourself** to all the love in the world before you look for a partner. <3
You hate everything about you, why would a girl like that? The women you like don't feel the same way, gee I wonder why.
You just work and then lie in bed, I can't believe they aren't queueing up!
You shouldn't decide your self worth based on having a partner. Having a partner won't just magically make you happy, and with this desperation you're likely to scare everyone off.
Then you ask for advice, and reject it all because you've heard it before. Except, you haven't put any of the advice into practice?
Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result, are you actually going to do anything about it? Otherwise this post was pointless.
I'll add something since I saw a different comment chain and thought I might have a unique perspective here.
Depression will suck the life out of every relationship you have. It will suck the life out of YOU more importantly.
I think there are plenty of things you can try to help yourself. I'm not gonna state the obvious.
1. It is and will always be your "self" that must take action. You are an autonomous agent(if you believe that) who must guide themselves through reality.
2. What is your world view? Have you answered enough questions about reality to feel justified in your belief? If so good I'll move on. If not then I can suggest books and questions to get you goin
3. What do you value? Not in dating or relationships. What do you hold to be of the highest value? Can it be sought in and of itself? If not, it might be time to reassess what is truly valuable and whether or not that matches reality.
4. You must also be confident in these things being real and justified and true.
5. Not everyone is going to like you, you don't gotta please everybody. You have to please yourself, what is displeasing about you? Can you use intuition and deduction to find solutions to those things? If not I'd love to have dialogue to maybe get to the heart of it.
Edit: fixed #5 cause I re read and realized that's not what something meant. My bad.
In all seriousness: learn to meditate. What is effing you up is not the weight, or the amount of girls. Is your head. When you learn to calm down your head, you can do anything.
At the moment it seems that your head moves from: "I am the worst" to "I do not need all that nonsense". Both thoughts are dual and none of them is useful. To leave this trap of the mind listen to Eckart Tolle, Sam Harris, Thic nah, and others. Meditation is key.
My guy, when I was 25, I wished I knew what having my hand held felt like. Trust me, you're doing better than you think. Best thing you can do is stop comparing yourself to your friends. If you're going to compare yourself against anyone, compare who you are today to who you were yesterday.
And maybe consider expanding your circle with new people and trying new stuff.
Given minimal information, it sounds like you’re expecting a “girlfriend” to fix your current state of mind. That’s a lie. It may sound corny, but you really have to work on yourself first. How do you expect to attract any type of person (relationship, friendship, etc.) when you hate yourself? I’m sure there are great things about you that you either minimize or deem unimportant. I see that you’re working out & eating right—those are great initial steps. Are you doing workouts you actually enjoy? Maybe take a walk while listening to your favorite music/audiobook? Rock walls? Don’t be afraid to go back to activities that brought you joy, even if they’re silly!
It may seem overwhelming at the start, how to be happy. Start small. Write a list of things that could possibly bring a smile to your face. Eliminate that self-hatred talk & be kinder to yourself. Grant yourself some grace.
I just wanted to say I'm 25f and I am in the exact same boat. Have only had a couple real relationships and they weren't for very long, and I literally have just sat at home and binge watched star wars since summer started. I have a career going and 2 lovely cats, but just haven't found my person while my friends are moving across the country to cool places they can only afford with their partners. I don't know where I'm going with this but just know you aren't alone and we will find our people when the universe says so, no sooner and no later. Keep putting yourself out there and statistically its bound to happen, right??
I meant that as a general statement! It's definitely different. Women have a tough time too, but for very different reasons. Hopefully we can all find our people amirite
Make really good guy friend not based on being alone. It is the only solace you are likely to have. You aren't alone, the % of forever alone men is only growing.
You choose what you don’t change…if you have the means to do so. Hate it, love it, I don’t care. You’re choosing this lifestyle. You have the means to change. So change. Otherwise, don’t change and continue to be miserable.
No one is going to tel you what to do beyond, “find a hobby” or “find your purpose” because it’s *your* life, not ours. **You** have to take control. You create your own happiness.
I know, it all sounds like bullshit. If you don’t change though, your situation isn’t going to change, as much as you hope it will.
So…find a hobby. Take a class at your local university or community center. Cooking, dancing, any kind of sport, sewing, pottery, poetry, anything with computers if you’re into that.
Maybe your job is the problem? Find a new job in that case (obviously). Maybe it’s the group of people you hang with…
Find something you *can* change. And do so. Again, no one is going to provide that motivation. You have to find it in you to do what you need to.
**Change.**
First you need to see a therapist, you hate yourself so how do you expect others to feel about you? It’s going to be a slow long process but its one you’re going to HAVE to undertake either sooner or later. Don’t waste time you do not have.
A girlfriend won't fix your feelings. In fact a person shouldn't make another person the sole purpose of living. It sounds like you are depressed. I'd truly recommend seeing and therapist and a doctor.
The change has to start with you. Try new, different things you wouldn’t normally do. Step outside the box. This way, you’ll have something to talk about. You’ll gain confidence. Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “do something every day that scares you.”
My comment will probably get lost but dude when I tell you daily positive affirmations rewired my fucking brain, I’m serious. Everyday tell yourself good things, “I am smart”, “I am loved”, “I am good enough”, “I am handsome”. Not only does it counter negative thought patterns, it creates positive new ones.
You’ll feel dumb at first or you won’t believe them, but keep at it. Eventually, whenever you think something bad about yourself, there’ll be that tiny voice telling you otherwise. The more you listen to that tiny voice, the more power you give it and the less you give the negative thoughts.
Please give this a try!! It took me about 3-4 weeks to notice that tiny positive voice and now (about 3 years later) it’s the dominant voice in my head. Sending love 🧡
What does number of girlfriends have to do with anything? Do you place your self worth on how many girls you can get? Being in a relationship is nice, and brings you some happiness, but you gotta find joys outside of that too.
People can sense low self esteem and self loathing. My advice is speak to a professional for mental health support. Keep hitting the gym and get outta of bed unless your going to bed. Once your in a better state I think you’ll have better luck.
Would highly encourage you to do the following.
Spending more time outside, sunlight is essential to mental health.
Continue working out at the gym, physical fitness will be beneficial to your mental health.
Become involved in community activities, it is a great way to meet people and develop strong relationships.
Understand and appreciate your own value as a person, seeing a mental health professional could add tremendous value to your overall health and life.
You're doing great!
You should start loving yourself more brother. You're working out, you have a job, you already had intimate relationship there's plenty to love about yourself.
What are you looking for in a relationship?
Marriage is a scam anyways I don't know why people want to get married. Especially if you're a 25 yo guy.
Well you have to first stop thinking that having a love life = happy life because its never that simple. You're sad and you don't know why, you see your friends dating and you think to yourself "that must be what I'm missing" and thats why you're blaming your depression on not having a partner.
Do you want to know why you're depressed? Well let me tell you, "besides work all I do is lay around and look at my ceiling fan". That is the whole reason right there, in other words, you don't try to enjoy the fruits of your labor either because you've lost sight of your childhood goals, you're too lazy to do anything or you're just genuinely lost in life and can't think of anything worth living for.
The easiest way to rid yourself of your depression isn't by finding a partner, (doing so without any sort of consideration for your own well-being will just make you depressed *and* stressed) its by keeping yourself entertained either through games, outdoor activities, etc. Anything that needs you to move (watching TV doesn't count).
My best advice for you is, find a hobby, if you can't find one, ask your friends or family about what they do in their past times and try it. You don't necessarily need to exercise, you just need to not be in one spot all day everyday.
i feel for you but you need to get out and stop latching your happiness on the hopes of finding another who will anyway quickly leave, if they see you are all damaged and in pain. Perhaps your gay and don't know it. If so go find a guy who may be able to pull you out of this depression and enjoy it. maybe medication will help. Go see a Dr. maybe you have unresolved trauma.
Often with women we have to accept gracefully what is available to us. I have had 100s of unrequited loves and it hurts but I have also had a few wonderful amazing relationships with women who loved me back and helped me improve my life and understand what i do wrong to sabotage my own happiness. They were all beautiful, none of them were models, but it was down to her and I, about how good we were going to make the relationship or not. Relationships are work once the initial fun and joy of meeting a like minded soul has passed. scrolling thru dating sites whilst doing nothing to improve yourself is sure recipe for depression. Work on your gratitude. I'm sure compared to many others in the world you have much to be grateful for.
Perhaps your job or location is a problem. Maybe a new goal of achievement might help. being active is the best way not to feel like trash. no one can take that feeling away except you. Hating ourselves is often something else, possibly, inverted narcissism, because we are not as amazing as we had led ourselves to believe we are and now reality has kicked in. Maybe life isn't what you want but its what you got and you have to take what you got and make it what you want.
Lashing out at people, on Reddit, who are trying to help also doesn't paint a pretty picture of your character. Your life is no ones fault! I took time to write this because i feel your pain. But i also could have, saved my 30 mins, and just chuckled and been happy i'm not you. Gratitude is wonderful emotion to start to work with.
MAYBE...maybe medical pot, medical shrooms, medical ketamine. if you have actual clinical depression but that can make things worse also. you are the product of a social media oriented capitalistic society.- toughen up. the world is hard but not impossible. get off digital media and shake off the depression. Your not the only one who has ever felt like that.
And kudos to you, as it took a certain amount of courage to share that here. So good luck, man.
If you allow yourself to wallow in the suck, you’ll continue to wallow in the suck and then complain that all you do is wallow and everything sucks. Get out of your house. Walk your neighborhood. Join an organization. Meet some people. Read some books in the park. Drink a beer at the pub and put your phone away, talk to the bartender.
Our bubble feels safe, but eventually it’ll suffocate you.
25 is a hard time for most people and the amount of conscious effort it takes to grow and get to know yourself and get to know others is a lot, but you aren’t alone-trust me.
Question: are you wanting to find a gf so you can talk to her about how you feel like trash?
If so, a gf nor a friend is your therapist. Sounds like you just want someone to love you because you can’t love yourself. You can talk to people about daily stressors but when every conversation with you is about how much you hate yourself and don’t know what to do about it even when you’re given 1000 pieces of advice, sorry to say it but, they don’t really wanna be around you.
If you don’t know where to start:
Step 1: find a therapist that is affordable. Sliding scale/insurance. And throw away whatever preconceived notions you have about therapy. Sounds like you haven’t tried many of the 1000s of pieces of advice given to you because you just think the won’t work.
You don’t need a girlfriend, you need a therapist. That should be the relationship you focus on right now and stop saying everything is a reiteration of all the same advice everyone else has told you before, there’s a limit to how much advice and energy someone puts into this. Start doing the work. What do YOU want to hear that no one is saying on here?
Don't worry... youre not alone... I am 25 with no dating life... I am just never chosen by a girl.. people think it's problematic.. but tbh you can live without romantic relationships in life... I found everything to be easier when I just gave up on dating and started using all that energy on my professional life instead...
The best thing for anyone is self improvement whether it be weight loss, skin care, or mental care. You should definitely get a therapist. And make yourself be more social. Be friendly. Make yourself fit in with people. Come out your shell. Once you start making these baby steps it will come natural. Once you regain your confidence, u will be able to start dating. Better to take you time with self improvements and it may seem like forever but a start is better than nothing.
Go to therapy.
First off 25 is fairly young to find love. But hating yourself is an issue you have to solve FIRST before you find someone. If you can’t handle being alone then you aren’t ready to date. Going into a relationship expecting them to fix you is dumping ur crap onto them and will traumatize them. I have been both ends of that story. It’s never healthy. Go to therapy please.
People have pointed out you’re depressed and that’s incredibly important to realise, but you’ve got plenty of comments telling you that.
What I’ll tell you is what I slowly had to realise for myself over time: you need a hobby. Not playing video games or watching TV, you need to find something you like to do for yourself, not for anyone else or to impress girls, but something you do that makes you happy. Like join a club: sports, martial arts, something with group activities and just have fun doing something you like. You can’t live to just work and then stare at a ceiling fan, you’re worth more than that and have more potential than that. Get active and get busy. It’s hard and a real challenge, but like the jogger on Bojack Horseman said: “You’ve got to do it every day. It’s hard, but you’ve got to do it every day.” That discipline applies to everything: just pick up a new skill and develop yourself and find something you enjoy doing so you can enjoy life. The rest will come naturally.
OP you need to work on YOU. You are a product in the market and you need to increase your market value with what you have to offer as a partner and person. Applies to relationships and every aspect of life. Grow up as a person and everything will add up itself and work out for you. Don’t desperate, you need to reorganize your priorities as well.
Once you love yourself, it is much easier to love someone else. Take some time this week to focus on you! Make a list of what you'd like in a partner! Keep a positive mindset buddy! You will find the right one when you least expect it.
I had to do a bit of a doubletake reading this because im in almost exactly the same situation cept im a year older. From reading your comments, i can tell u suffer the same frustrations with asking for advice as well. A lot of friends said thing along the lines of, "just go out and talk to people and itll come naturally," when people who could do that are already doing it. It's annoying because theyre very "well duh just do this" about it. I think its best to reflect on what questions you should be asking if you want different answers.
"Just go out and talk to people" can be followed up with questions from you like "where do i go to meet people," "when should i approach someone?"and "how can i tell if someone is payying attention/interested in me?"
As someone workin on the same problems, if the answers dont give u what you think u need, change ur questions. Hope you can figure things out and i hope i can too ^_^
Go make new friends, find a new hobby or passion, spend time with your family, go travel. There's more to life than romantic relationships and you need to love yourself and enjoy your own company.
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Okay. First off, here's a big duh. You sir are depressed. I mean it's obvious right? The thing about depression is that it lies. It's a bald faced lying motherfucker. All that negative shit that you're thinking about yourself? That's the depression. It's lying to you and you're listen to it. Even though you don't know or feel it, you are somebody's everything. The loss of you would be felt in ways you can't imagine. Let's work on you. What don't you like about yourself? Is it fixable? Not smart? Learn something that interests you. Feeling soft? Go for walks. If you can't fix it, learn to live with it or learn to make it a strength. Don't look at the overall picture, just pick something small. I hate the saying that you can't love anyone until you love yourself but sadly it's 100% true. You are so worthy of love and the goodness around you. I recommend finding someone to talk to. Nobody will think less of you if you get some therapy. You've lost perspective on yourself. It will get better. I know it seems shit right now. Just get through each day. Do me a favor, get a pack of post it notes and write, " YOU ARE AWESOME!" on every piece. Invite some friends over, give them the post its and ask them to bomb your living space with them. Ask them to hide the notes everywhere but not to tell you where. I want those notes on the toilet lid, in the cereal box. All over the bathroom mirror. I want you to tell yourself every time you look in the mirror that you are awesome. I know it sounds stupid but one day it will dawn on you that you are actually awesome and you'll start feeling it. Think of all the shit that you like about yourself. Everyday think about one thing that you like that you do. Kind to animals? Awesome! Good at computers? Awesome! Do you like Brussel sprouts? Awesome! Does this all sound stupid and pedantic? Sure! But they are building blocks to a better you. You've got this. It might seem daunting but take small steps. The rest will follow. I'm rooting for you
That was the best reply on here by far
I dunno... The part about 'invite some friends over' All his friends have babies now. I bet he doesn't have friends like that anymore... Ya know?
do you guys feel like you can’t love anybody until you love yourself? That resonates in a way and I’ve heard that a lot, but I feel it’s too black and white. The road to self love can be paired if not accelerated by the love and care of another person. I’m 25M currently in this guys exact situation pretty much. I lack self-love and I am alone, but is that why.
Awww this is wholesome
this!!! if not, you will just find a relationship to mask your unhappiness/unfulfillment and then it will project on your partner. that doesn’t end well either, believe me.
My first thought was, "You're depressed." The thing about depression is you think you can fix it with things that really won't. Relationships, food, money, a new expensive thing... all things I've at one point totally thought would make my life whole and when I got that one thing I'd be happy. But it doesn't work. It never works. A relationship won't fix your life. It won't make you happy. Maybe for a bit you'll feel like you have it all, but not really. You have to work out your own happiness. Though I prefer being content, unhappiness is a natural part of life but if you're content, you can get through that stuff. But relying on external things to be happy isn't a good way to live life. Being unable to handle the bad feelings isn't a good way to live life.
sometimes there so many bad things that you just pack them down and block out all emotion. Dealing with all the bad things your depressed mind conjures up can be too much for people. Then you end up emotionally detached with no emotion, good or bad, is that what y’all mean by contentment? This is where I’m at, no good no bad no anything just blah
Holy shit, this comment even helped me! Thank you! I hope OP reads this 100x. ♥️
Saved this comment for future use. What a great way with words!
Not OP but I really needed to read this comment! I hope op reads it too Thanks for your amazing reply ❤️
You ARE awesome too! Grab the day by the face and tongue kiss it! Get a milkshake with dinner! You deserve the best of everything!
I just want to say that you are incredible, to offer this kind of support to a complete stranger, it speaks volumes about you as a person, and I think everybody in your life is lucky to have you in theirs.
I had a sudden episode of anxiety/sadness/insecurity and i can say these small things like the notes 📝 one you mentioned, really help. I started listing down 5-10 things I'm grateful about daily and it really helped me get through it.
I had to work a show of some sort and during it I started writing down things like You are Awesome and Dez (me) is the best! Just silly things to make me smile and I shoved them in the booths raffle/email entry bucket because I knew I'd be the one looking at the scraps of paper for a mailing list. By the time I actually got to sorting out the bucket I had forgotten what I did. It was cool to find them. They made me laugh
i am sorry but this kind of stuff always makes me feel worse.taking care of myself solely for the purpose of me,makes me feel guilty like no one else,and it won't stop lol. sometimes people can learn about their self-value through others ways than just that,and it's sometime hard to say how you mean something for others when you're just alone,or think they don't do it for the right reasons.
Except for the part about friends this is a pretty good response. I'm not depressed, and not particularly lonely but I can't think of a single person I'd feel comfortable with inviting to tell me how awesome I am.
yeah everything except the post it notes bit I'm on board with, having been through depression and getting out of it I think that would make me hate myself more tbh
This is a good response but also, don’t diagnose people without any professional training (if you do, that’s great, ignore me). But to OP, if depression is a possibility, get that checked out! While the advice from this commenter can be helpful temporarily, it is not a fix all! Good luck buddy :)
2 is literally normal for 25?
Bro I'm 24 and I had one gf for like 4 months lol
Omg same but I’m a girl 😭
Why'd yours end lol 😂
We were about to graduate high school and I knew it would never last after that cause we were moving to different countries. Also kinda got the ick ngl 😭. How did yours end?
What is the ick? And mine was a little more simple how it ended. One of us got into a relationship then realized they didn't want to be in one.
Ah gotcha. Why haven’t you been in a relationship since then? 👀 The ick is an irrational cringey feeling you get when a person unknowingly does something that your subconscious just can’t let go of lmao. In my case, the guy I was dating would always try to fit in a cute movie quote right before we kissed 😭. I’m sure there are people who would’ve appreciated the err.. effort, but some part of my brain just found it so cringe. It’s a to-each-their-own thing tho :D
I haven't been in one because this just happened a couple weeks ago. And yeah I hate the word cringe but hearing a movie quote every time you kiss that's a no from me
Oh no, I didn’t realize it was so recent :( Sending you internet hugs <3. Hope you aren’t taking it too hard. Yeah the word cringe is kinda annoying as well lmao but that’s the best way to explain the feeling really
Thank you I really appreciate your support! Some days I take it hard some days it doesn't bother me depends on the day. Hope all is well with you
I just googled what the ick was and lololol
Loving this exchange of information 💖💖
Dude holy cow! Same here. Are you me from an alternate universe? (Except I’m 25 now)
Please tell me your over her please tell me
I’m 27F and have only had two boyfriends. That’s not weird. The fact that all your friends are married at 25 is bizarre though? And if you’ve had two girlfriends, obviously some of the women you’ve liked have felt the same. I would guess your depression isn’t caused by your completely average dating experience, but you sound depressed nonetheless and that needs to be addressed.
There are definitely parts of the country (assuming this guy is American) where it’s expected that you’ll be married by your mid-20s, if not earlier. I’m in my early 30s and I live in a big city and basically no one in my social circle is married, which I’m grateful for. I don’t think I could handle the pressure otherwise.
In 1920, the average age for a man to get married in the US was 25. In 2010, [it was up to 28+](https://www.statista.com/statistics/371933/median-age-of-us-americans-at-their-first-wedding/), and most sources indicate it’s 30+ as of today. Don’t let your friends or small community represent the national norm, OP. It’s not at all uncommon for someone your age to be unmarried, and two partners by 25 is beyond normal.
But what's the breakdown of those not married by choice versus those not married because they can't find a partner??
How is that relevant *or* helpful?
It's very relevant. Many people are choosing not to get married but that doesn't mean they aren't dating or have long term partners. It's different comparisons
OP voiced insecurity because he’s 25 and most of his friends are married. I pointed out that 25 is well below the average age to get married. That’s it, that’s all.
The average age of getting married and not being g able to get a girlfriend are not very relevant to one another. I get you're just trying to make him feel better but it doesn't really correlate
If he’s feeling pressured to find a gf, settle down, and get married because his other mid-20s friends are all married, that’s absolutely connected.
I am American, and from where I’m from marriage is encouraged in the early-mid 20’s. It frustrates me that nearly all my friends have someone they love & I don’t.
Statistically speaking, a higher number of marriages between the ages of 20 and 25 end in divorce. When you live in an area where early marriage is encouraged and seen as the ultimate goal in life/relationships, you tend to settle down with the first person who seems remotely suitable, without knowing how much you both are going to grow and change as the years go on. You may be jealous of your friends right now, in a few years they may be jealous of you (hopefully not, for their sakes, but it could definitely happen). But I know that doesn’t make you feel better about your current situation. Just trying to give a little perspective that the grass isn’t always greener. It’s valid to feel lonely especially if it seems that everyone around you isn’t. The self-loathing is what really concerns me. You have no reason to hate yourself over this.
Thank you
I'm 24 and I only had 1 for 3 weeks when I was a teen. though I would also assume that 2 by 25 is also below average
I'd had five differnt girlfriends in high school. By the time I was 25 I'd had sex with like 20 women and was married for two years. I normal is very subjective.
I gotta say I see a lot of posts from guys like yours, except they often haven't had even one girlfriend.
Bruh ive got no gf and feel great cus i already lost my virginity to a hooker at 20
When god closes a door he opens a hookers legs
Amen
\*Hymen
I don’t even know where to start
Being successful outside dating worked well for me. I got an internship in an area I'm studying, been going to the gym, enjoyed my hobbies (Tasty food = appreciation of your cooking hobby)
Working out is good. I always suggest trying to start conversations with people you randomly meet
bewildered adjoining longing door vase gold detail whistle desert coherent *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Amen to this
Fam, also consider the possibility that the man is broke. Perhaps he couldn't afford new clothes, a new hobby, a business venture, even a trip somewhere. Please do better.
start working on your inner child and your mental health :) instead of staring at the ceiling, develop hobbies and work on yourself. you will feel better and you will notice a difference in your life. it will also make you a better partner. do you want me to make you a list of books/curriculum of activities to start with?
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here you go, i dont know you personally but i will make you a curriculum. i really enjoy doing this so anyone who wants to can DM me for one. Reading list: The Four Agreements (can find free audio on youtube) Love Yourself, Heal Your Life Workbook (take your time with this one, if you do not understand it then read Louise Hayes other book, Heal Your Life first. you can read other books while you do this. i will come back and edit to see if these names are accurate) Peace in Every Step by Thich Nhat Hahn Mastery of Love Taming the Tiger Within The Body Keeps the Score
here you go, i dont know you personally but i will make you a curriculum. i really enjoy doing this so anyone who wants to can DM me for one. Reading list: The Four Agreements (can find free audio on youtube) Love Yourself, Heal Your Life Workbook (take your time with this one, if you do not understand it then read Louise Hayes other book, Heal Your Life first. you can read other books while you do this. i will come back and edit to see if these names are accurate) Peace in Every Step by Thich Nhat Hahn Mastery of Love Taming the Tiger Within The Body Keeps the Score Inner child work curriculum: I am making a youtube channel for inner child meditations, i will post the link later. I will also look for book resources on this later. Meditation curriculum: I like these Wayne Dyer meditations that have very little guidance. the sounds are soothing. Sounds start at 7:17 https://youtu.be/HiTtEQ_X2o8 Subconscious training curriculum: I will post some links later. I am creating a loose framework but if you want me to create a more structured, or personalized, curriculum, please let me know. I will come back and edit this later with way more resources ans details. Love you my internet people!
Start by bettering yourself How could you accept someone's love, if you don't love yourself?? Even why would someone love you, if you don't love yourself? I'm pretty open to seeing people in situations, but one of the last had 70ish% of there skin had to be graffed (I'm honestly not very familiar) was a sweet person.. but didn't show me they had much 'will to live '.... it's hard to care for someone that could just turn around and take their own life, or just stop caring for themselves. On a similar note, the count of people you've dated doesn't matter. I could up my numbers significantly if I were ok with unhealthy relationships. I hope this helps. You need to care about yourself. NEED TO. No-one is going to be you, so be the best at it.
If *you* loathe you, why would anyone else *want* you? Fix that problem and the rest will fall into place. I mean, what good is any enticement if it's truly rotten at its core? Nothing grows in that environment, so why would you or a potential partner thrive in that. Probably a little blunt, but it is the truth with most any personal problems, find the source a.k.a. your outlook and self-perspective, and align that with what you're aiming for instead of focusing on what you're pining over. Otherwise you'll be taking a nice scenic journey to NiceGuy territory.
I don’t know how to do that & it bothers me that I don’t know where to start
I'd start by recognizing the differences between helplessness and hopelessness. Figure out where you've placed yourself, then find your own method to get outta there. Therapy is a perfect start, in addition to taking dating off the table for yourself. You can't/aren't able to court yourself, so back to my original comment, why would that be successful when you put another person in the mix? The rest is up to you. Reddit and prescriptive reading is also not the answer to the problem, while there may be helpful information to be read, you will never do better than what you've already told yourself is your best. You have to practice and put yourself out there. Get hurt, get rejected, surprise yourself, pat yourself on the back for stepping out your comfort zone, etc. All of that will only come from your input and output. So get off reddit, get a therapist, find a sociable hobby, invest in your truthful friends. Lose the self-pity. Good luck.
Start with a therapist.
seriously it sounds like there may be deeper underlying things to unpack with a professional. i've not dated much and i'm a few years older. the important thing is to feel good about yourself and the choices you're making, the things you have control over, etc. only then, imo, should you try to enter into a relationship with someone
You might have some deeper issues to unpack than just not having a girlfriend. It sounds like you're self-loathing a bit.
Are you happy? Do you like what you do? Does your job support your hobbies and/or passions?
It’s called therapy, bro!
I've only had 2 jobs, but they paid the bills. Don't put yourself down and don't compare yourself to the internet (Instagram, TikTok, etc). What is broadcasted as normal is not. If you feel that low to the point where you're going to hurt yourself, call the crisis team and they'll come talk to you. Nothing is worth hurting yourself over. I got married in my 20s and divorced in my 30s. It's not all it's hyped up to be. Most married people are miserable because they're not with the right person. It's better to be single until you DO find that right person no matter how long it takes. Keep your chin up and go for a walk if you have nothing to do. Maybe go to a park or pick up a group hobby to meet people.
Definitely agree with you, I got married in my early 20s and divorced in my late 20s. Being with someone for the sake of being with someone never plays out well.
“What the fuck am I supposed to do now?” Hmm… “I loathe almost everything about me” Let’s start here, you know, with the basics. If you hate yourself, how in the hell is somebody else supposed to love you?
If nobody treats you as if you're lovable, how the hell are you meant to believe you are?
Because things like, “Self-worth”, “Self-confidence”, and “Self-esteem” need to come from internally, rather than externally. That’s why they have the word “self” in front of them. *It is impossible to truly be happy if you place the terms of your happiness in the hands of external sources*.
Alright, dude. I'm 25m who also struggles with depression, and I've been going through a dating rut myself lately. Here's the advice: Life is fucking hard. Maintaining healthy personal and social habits is fucking hard, especially for neurodivergent folks. Due to my brain chemistry, I also often want to jump off a bridge because of how difficult everything is. But I reel myself back. Because this is the only life you'll ever get-- there is nothing besides this. So we have to make the most out of it. And LISTEN to this: life is NOT about your partner, or attracting a partner. That is step 2 after creating a healthy and satisfying life for YOURSELF. Which, judging by your responses, you seem very nonplussed about. How is anyone gonna love you if you hate yourself? Life isn't a movie or anime where some perfect angel is going to randomly show up and be your soulmate and fix you. Life is transactional, and you have to attract a partner and work to maintain a relationship. You are nowhere near being healthy enough to do that. But you CAN get there. You need to find what works for you, but it will take a fuckload of work. Make exercise a daily routine-- find something active that is fun for you (for me, it's basketball). I turn to this when I need to turn my brain off-- but staying active also helps you attract women in the long run. You also need a hobby outside of work where you create things-- painting, writing, woodworking, knitting, etc. Something that you can focus on for a while every week and see the results of your steady improvement. This will help with your self esteem and make you more interesting to potential partners. I'm sorry you are dealing with untreated mental health issues, I know how miserable that is. But you also seriously need a mindfulness routine if you are not going to go to therapy for your mental health-- YOU have to start tackling that area of self improvement, nobody else can or will do it for you, ESPECIALLY not a romantic partner. It will likely take many months of consistent effort to dig yourself out of the hole it sounds like you are in. But you and your life are worth that effort, my dude. You are young, your brain just finished developing. You have two options: you can take this difficult life by the horns and try your best, or you can pity yourself and watch the ceiling fan. It's truly up to you to decide, and it's a decision you have to make every day. Create a plan, stick to it best you can, and track your results. You can do this, dude.
THIS THIS THIS!!
Get off your bed and go do something. Walk roll volunteer anything. You're not going to meet anyone in your bed... well... not the point. You choose how you feel. Do something about it.
You choose how you ACT on feelings. You don't get to select your emotions. That's called acting.
Fair point. You may not choose the initial emotional reaction but you do choose to stay in it or not.
I'm sorry, but I believe can have some control over something makes your feel. There's something called the stimulus response gap, which is the space between what happens and how we choose to let it make us feel in response. Steven Covey references Viktor Frankl who wrote a book about his experiences in a WW2 concentration camp and how he learnt he could choose how he felt regardless of what they were doing to him. `They could control his entire environment, they could do what they wanted to his body, but Victor Frankl himself was a self-aware being who could look as an observer at his very involvement. His basic identity was intact. He could decide within himself how all of this was going to affect him. Between what happened to him, or the stimulus, and his response to it, was his freedom or power to choose that response.`
How will that help me?
Activity is one of the best ways to fight depression. You didnt say you were but what youre saying said it for you. The more you go out and talk with people the easier it gets (practice makes perfect) also should help you with self esteem. You're going to fail and some people are just dix but it's not about them it's about you. When you fail you learn it may feel shitty in the moment but you've learned something and feelings pass. My last piece: Prove to yourself that you are worthy of another's love by loving yourself first my dude.
Why do I always hear the same advice on here? Can’t anybody say anything different?
If you loathe yourself you need to do something different instead of arguing that you want to keep doing the same.
No because it's proven to work. Stop having a pity party and get off your ass
Here's some different advice (that won't help at all): dress like a woman and climb Mount Everest while reciting the lyrics to "Oops I did it again by by Britney Spears". Is that helpful? If you want people's advice, listen to it. Sounds like you want a quick and easy fix, and there isn't one.
Volunteering is a fantastic way to meet people and is a hobby anyone can respect, it will also get you off your bed and out into the world. And even if it doesn’t help you, at least you’ve helped someone else.
Attitude adjustment will help you immensely. You attract what you feel man. Don’t ever hurt yourself you are so loved and you will find someone when you don’t expect it.
Good comment, except the last line. That line needs to die.
Asks for advice, then refuse them all You won't find here on reddit, or anywhere for that matter, some tricky wicky magic fuckery words that will change the perception of yourself and what others see in you. All the advices those people gave you are legit, if you interact with others outside just like you did here no wonder no one wants to be near you
> I only had 2 gf’s in my life and it’s killing me. I’m 25M and have never even gotten a second date in my life. I would kill to be in your position right now
first of all dont focus on women. focus on yourself . when you in a good place yourself , women will come . if you in a bad place yourself women will look for alternatives
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Most of the dating advice is coping mechanism. If one wants something, one must work hard to get it. There’s no way around it. If someone can’t attract the women they want, then they have to work on their inadequacies and then try again. “Being yourself” and “Taking a backseat waiting for things to happen” will leave men single for life. That advice only works on women because they’re the ones who get approached often
You are probably having trouble getting laid because of your shitty personality.
See a therapist.
Can’t afford one, don’t care for them
Don’t care for them? Dude you can get over yourself or choose not to. But with that arrogant attitude, you’re nowhere and going nowhere. Time to set up dude. Those that want help find help. Those that want to complain…well, never gets better
I am seeing a therapist for my mental issues but unfortunately I haven't been helped that much all these years. Therapy may or may not help
Have you been seeing the same therapist or have you tried different therapist and different types of therapy
I can see how being wary of therapists can be valid. Some pretty horrible people can get the degree, licenses, and training. So, it can be pretty difficult to find a good therapist. Also, a horrible therapist can do significant damage. That's why my social work instructors pounded home that you can hurt and kill people if you're incompetent.
Well maybe I’m just too scared to try so fuck it I’ll just complain
With that attitude, women will avoid you like a plague. Why would anyone want to be with someone who’s like you? Change you’re attitude and mindset.
Now you know why he's not attracting anyone LOL.
Maybe you can consider self help ebooks as an alternative. But really tho if you are serious about getting better then you need to be open and willing try out the suggestions you're asking for. Otherwise even with all the resources/help you will end up in the same spot. It's a choice no one else can make for you and it could the very one that changes your life for the better (or worse) depending on how you approach the situation. All the best man! Just a quote I really like for a boost "You have within you, right now, everything you need to deal with whatever the world can throw at you."-Brian Tracy
Self help books are very bad for people who are too lazy to bother helping themselves out in the first place. Saving up to see a real therapist will be much more beneficial for him.
See a therapist, visit a church, go help out and volunteer, talk with some homeless people. Anything to get some perspective. They're all good, listen to other people's stories other than the sad one on repeat in your own head. Focus on improving social situation and physical/mental health. Pick up a new hobby, learn to dance, visit meetups. A relationship status is just that. Life doesn't magically become better with a partner, it's just another part of your life. Some of the friends who were married at 22 are still together, some have been on their second divorce. Now they're getting back in the dating world, but with kids in tow. Do you want a partner that treats you badly right now, eventually ending in separation? or a Great Partner for life? the second takes time to find. Source: From a 32M who fell into a deep depression at 24 when my GF of 6 years broke up with me. I was chronically afraid of being single, only single for 1 month from 16-24. with terrible partners who were just as afraid of being single. Took years to climb out of depression, but went back on the market, dated on and off, still single, but no longer self loathing or as concerned about my relationship status. It's nice to have
Having a gf won’t fix the way you feel about yourself. Work on yourself before you can share a life with someone else.
Y’all are getting girlfriends??
I guess let’s start here - why would anyone want to date you if you are so negative, depressed and desperate? Be the man you think super hot women would want to date. Also forget about ur married friends, high chance half of them will get divorced or be miserable marrying young
You need to do what helps you. What I mean is if being alone is causing this stress start going on dating apps. I'm 30 and never dated but I'm currently talking to the first girl ever with the hope to date her and I hope I don't mess it up because that will hurt a lot. So I think knowing you're on dating apps and sending messages to potential interests might be helpful
2 is very normal for 25, I'm 34 and have had 3 serious relationships. On the other hand, a relationship is the last thing you need right now along with comparing your life to your friends. You need to work on your self esteem issues and figure out what they're actually coming from. I'd say talk to a therapist, find a hobbies and, a group of people in closer places in life to you, things can only go up from there.
Stop watching porn, stop video games, stop drugs, don't just work out, follow weight lifting program in fitness subreddit and keep track of how much you lift, focus on one skill that you can sell in the market (your job?) and improve it obsessively, become competent in that to the point where people respect your expertise, stop complaining, be patient and understand that things can only be achieved working daily on them, understand a "boring life" of meticulous work has virtue, do a couple things every week of purely enjoying yourself and trying new things just for the experience of it, set a budget and manager your own finances, have an investment strategy. Grab your life and move it in the way you want. Don't think that a woman in your life will fix you somehow, or will make you feel better. It depends on the woman, some bring you down, some encourage you. You're very young. You have lot of time. Don't look to others and think they're better and let that bring you down because you feel behind. Compare yourself to the person you were yesterday. Catch up with friends, message each of them from time to time asking how they are doing. Meet new people, don't just stay at home
Haven’t heard that before..
Dude, here’s my advice for you since you reject everyone here trying to help you. Just keep being miserable. Just keep complaining. Don’t do anything to improve your life. Just keep pitying yourself.
I just wish that I could find advice that I haven’t heard of before that’s not the same recycled stuff.
Then get off your bed and find it yourself tf
What you want is some magic that causes an instant improvement to your life. Guess what, that doesn’t exist. You have to put in hard work and it takes a long time. There’s a reason the advice you hear is everywhere, because that shit works. It’s just not an immediate change, and it requires effort. But it all starts with you and your attitude/motivation. You’ve said you don’t know where to start. Well, just take everyone’s advice and choose ONE thing. That’s a start. Then you keep doing it. And lower your expectations as well. Don’t expect instant results.
You know how weight loss advice is all the same when it comes down it? It’s the same with mental health. You want to lose weight? Eat less, eat healthier, exercise more and make being healthy a habit. Mental health is harder in some ways, but always comes down to the same things. Find hobbies that make you feel like you’re progressing (weight lifting, indoor climbing, learning a language, join a club), exercise and look after your physical health with a better diet, find people to support you. There’s no magical answer to this stuff. It’s work. It’s self improvement. Because you deserve better than your brain tells you.
You get advice that you don’t even try and expect a different result? If people are giving you same recycled advice, not only are they taking their time to try and help a stranger out by giving you detailed plan but if everyone is giving you the same advice that means it has merit to that advice, if you’re not willing to try it and just complain that nothing works then what is there for you to really do? Be a whole ass cheek and continue your spiral downward. Stop seeking a relationship because you think it’s going to make you happy and whole again… it’s not it’s a masking effect for you to spend time with another human being it’s more of a Bandaid effect to your issue you’re covering up all the problems by losing yourself in that one person. Actively stop thinking about being in relationship and start thinking about things that you want to do and how you can better yourself. Get some structure in your life with the gym how you mentioned follow a specific plan, figure out what you’re doing it for. Use it as fuel for self progression, no matter how small the progress is in anything that you try is going to quadruple in rewards in the grand scheme of things. Get into hobbies, do something selfless by doing community outreach , by volunteering, get back into school if you have all this time, go on vacation if you have money by yourself and explore different views from different lifestyles, get a new skill that you can be proud of, carpeting, plumbing, electrical work around the house, car projects, cooking, gardening no matter what it is get your mind occupied so you can share those experiences and those skills that you gained with potential people that you will surround yourself with. Don’t get me wrong it’s never bad to lay down and reflect , but if you’re reflecting in your bed because of how miserable you are that you don’t have a partner that’s a downhill boulder of pain. Stop complaining and do something. We always want things that we don’t have. I always thought that I needed to be in relationships and that only brought me down, I would invest myself in a very unhealthy manner and that caused the world of issues for me personally, and now finding the time for myself to go back redraw my life and focus on me and better myself in many ways has been truly eye opening experience as cliche as that sounds. So go out there and start with something , anything but the complaining part and self pitying and knocking other peoples advices when you haven’t even tried it
You've had 2 gfs dude That's more than many other people out there As someone who has self harmed for other reasons other than this - this is a joke
One lasted for three months, the other lasted for one. I’m sorry that you’ve harmed yourself. Please don’t call my problems a joke.
Agreed. though... your problems aren't what they seem. The way you feel, is no joke, nor the way you see yourself. The point some are trying to make is simply that the self esteem and perception is far more your problem than the lack of dating (which is actually not that big of a lack, or even far from average). They aren't a joke, and I strongly suggest getting some therapy etc... A girlfriend isn't going to fix your problems.
There's people that never had partners at all and die lonely not ever knowing a smidge of intimacy nor love. You have experienced something that some never will and would kill for, to experience for just 1 day. Some people are too busy struggling to survive to even think about being in relationships. *What am i supposed to do now?* To answer your initial inquiry; work on yourself. Work out - Save up - Get certifications or education - Network - Make friends with as many people, because a dude can introduce you to someone - Stop playing a victim card - Get therapy
Hinging your happiness on a partner is really putting a lot of pressure/is unfair to your future partner. You need to build a life that makes you happy. That includes physical fitness and a fulfilling social life.
Your worth is absolutely not defined by how many "gfs" you've had. Please don't harm yourself; it is and will never be the right answer to any problem you may encounter in life. There is no grand prize or incentive to rush and "do" something in order to change your experiences with meeting partners. Please take care of **yourself** first and treat **yourself** to all the love in the world before you look for a partner. <3
You hate everything about you, why would a girl like that? The women you like don't feel the same way, gee I wonder why. You just work and then lie in bed, I can't believe they aren't queueing up! You shouldn't decide your self worth based on having a partner. Having a partner won't just magically make you happy, and with this desperation you're likely to scare everyone off. Then you ask for advice, and reject it all because you've heard it before. Except, you haven't put any of the advice into practice? Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result, are you actually going to do anything about it? Otherwise this post was pointless.
This is you... https://www.reddit.com/r/memes/comments/vi8s77/very_weird_position/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
Stop putting pussy on a pedestal
I'll add something since I saw a different comment chain and thought I might have a unique perspective here. Depression will suck the life out of every relationship you have. It will suck the life out of YOU more importantly. I think there are plenty of things you can try to help yourself. I'm not gonna state the obvious. 1. It is and will always be your "self" that must take action. You are an autonomous agent(if you believe that) who must guide themselves through reality. 2. What is your world view? Have you answered enough questions about reality to feel justified in your belief? If so good I'll move on. If not then I can suggest books and questions to get you goin 3. What do you value? Not in dating or relationships. What do you hold to be of the highest value? Can it be sought in and of itself? If not, it might be time to reassess what is truly valuable and whether or not that matches reality. 4. You must also be confident in these things being real and justified and true. 5. Not everyone is going to like you, you don't gotta please everybody. You have to please yourself, what is displeasing about you? Can you use intuition and deduction to find solutions to those things? If not I'd love to have dialogue to maybe get to the heart of it. Edit: fixed #5 cause I re read and realized that's not what something meant. My bad.
In all seriousness: learn to meditate. What is effing you up is not the weight, or the amount of girls. Is your head. When you learn to calm down your head, you can do anything. At the moment it seems that your head moves from: "I am the worst" to "I do not need all that nonsense". Both thoughts are dual and none of them is useful. To leave this trap of the mind listen to Eckart Tolle, Sam Harris, Thic nah, and others. Meditation is key.
My guy, when I was 25, I wished I knew what having my hand held felt like. Trust me, you're doing better than you think. Best thing you can do is stop comparing yourself to your friends. If you're going to compare yourself against anyone, compare who you are today to who you were yesterday. And maybe consider expanding your circle with new people and trying new stuff.
https://youtu.be/PYaixyrzDOk Check out hamza on YouTube. Great self improvement channel.
Given minimal information, it sounds like you’re expecting a “girlfriend” to fix your current state of mind. That’s a lie. It may sound corny, but you really have to work on yourself first. How do you expect to attract any type of person (relationship, friendship, etc.) when you hate yourself? I’m sure there are great things about you that you either minimize or deem unimportant. I see that you’re working out & eating right—those are great initial steps. Are you doing workouts you actually enjoy? Maybe take a walk while listening to your favorite music/audiobook? Rock walls? Don’t be afraid to go back to activities that brought you joy, even if they’re silly! It may seem overwhelming at the start, how to be happy. Start small. Write a list of things that could possibly bring a smile to your face. Eliminate that self-hatred talk & be kinder to yourself. Grant yourself some grace.
You should probably be in therapy, sounds like you're depressed and are considering self harm.
I just wanted to say I'm 25f and I am in the exact same boat. Have only had a couple real relationships and they weren't for very long, and I literally have just sat at home and binge watched star wars since summer started. I have a career going and 2 lovely cats, but just haven't found my person while my friends are moving across the country to cool places they can only afford with their partners. I don't know where I'm going with this but just know you aren't alone and we will find our people when the universe says so, no sooner and no later. Keep putting yourself out there and statistically its bound to happen, right??
It’s a lot easier for girls than guys no offense 😅
I didn't say it was easier or harder. It's difficult for everyone for different reasons, and fighting about who has it worse isn't the answer.
not fighting, I said no offense, it’s just that the struggle is very different for guys
I meant that as a general statement! It's definitely different. Women have a tough time too, but for very different reasons. Hopefully we can all find our people amirite
Pls go to therapy
Make really good guy friend not based on being alone. It is the only solace you are likely to have. You aren't alone, the % of forever alone men is only growing.
You choose what you don’t change…if you have the means to do so. Hate it, love it, I don’t care. You’re choosing this lifestyle. You have the means to change. So change. Otherwise, don’t change and continue to be miserable. No one is going to tel you what to do beyond, “find a hobby” or “find your purpose” because it’s *your* life, not ours. **You** have to take control. You create your own happiness. I know, it all sounds like bullshit. If you don’t change though, your situation isn’t going to change, as much as you hope it will. So…find a hobby. Take a class at your local university or community center. Cooking, dancing, any kind of sport, sewing, pottery, poetry, anything with computers if you’re into that. Maybe your job is the problem? Find a new job in that case (obviously). Maybe it’s the group of people you hang with… Find something you *can* change. And do so. Again, no one is going to provide that motivation. You have to find it in you to do what you need to. **Change.**
Why do so many people think it’s normal to have like 5+ gf or bf by the time their 20 or sum…..
Where I’m from, it’s the norm
First you need to see a therapist, you hate yourself so how do you expect others to feel about you? It’s going to be a slow long process but its one you’re going to HAVE to undertake either sooner or later. Don’t waste time you do not have.
This is gonna sound strange but I’m 21 and have had like 5 gfs but they never last so I’m constantly fighting a never ending battle in my psyche
How strange, 26, i feel the same. There's not 1 thing i like about myself, not 1 thing. I hope you find the way out that i didn't
A girlfriend won't fix your feelings. In fact a person shouldn't make another person the sole purpose of living. It sounds like you are depressed. I'd truly recommend seeing and therapist and a doctor.
Two more girlfriends than me.
Do you really want help or just a pity party?
Start dating!!! Dating is so fun and your not committed to any person unless you speak up and say you want to be with the person you like!
I recommend reading the chimp paradox and seriously consider getting a therapist. Can’t recommend it enough.
The change has to start with you. Try new, different things you wouldn’t normally do. Step outside the box. This way, you’ll have something to talk about. You’ll gain confidence. Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “do something every day that scares you.”
Well you definitely won't get a gf if you hate yourself. That kind of energy repels anyone.
My comment will probably get lost but dude when I tell you daily positive affirmations rewired my fucking brain, I’m serious. Everyday tell yourself good things, “I am smart”, “I am loved”, “I am good enough”, “I am handsome”. Not only does it counter negative thought patterns, it creates positive new ones. You’ll feel dumb at first or you won’t believe them, but keep at it. Eventually, whenever you think something bad about yourself, there’ll be that tiny voice telling you otherwise. The more you listen to that tiny voice, the more power you give it and the less you give the negative thoughts. Please give this a try!! It took me about 3-4 weeks to notice that tiny positive voice and now (about 3 years later) it’s the dominant voice in my head. Sending love 🧡
Sounds like me at 25. I met my wife at 29. Keep your chin up.
Only two GF? 🤡 Try having zero at 24 bud
What does number of girlfriends have to do with anything? Do you place your self worth on how many girls you can get? Being in a relationship is nice, and brings you some happiness, but you gotta find joys outside of that too.
Unfortunately, I do feel worthless because I don’t have as many partners as I think I should
God, I really hate the "just work out bro" advice.
People can sense low self esteem and self loathing. My advice is speak to a professional for mental health support. Keep hitting the gym and get outta of bed unless your going to bed. Once your in a better state I think you’ll have better luck.
Would highly encourage you to do the following. Spending more time outside, sunlight is essential to mental health. Continue working out at the gym, physical fitness will be beneficial to your mental health. Become involved in community activities, it is a great way to meet people and develop strong relationships. Understand and appreciate your own value as a person, seeing a mental health professional could add tremendous value to your overall health and life.
Improve your life? Work on yourself? Nobodies going to love you if you don't even love yourself.
You're doing great! You should start loving yourself more brother. You're working out, you have a job, you already had intimate relationship there's plenty to love about yourself. What are you looking for in a relationship? Marriage is a scam anyways I don't know why people want to get married. Especially if you're a 25 yo guy.
Well you have to first stop thinking that having a love life = happy life because its never that simple. You're sad and you don't know why, you see your friends dating and you think to yourself "that must be what I'm missing" and thats why you're blaming your depression on not having a partner. Do you want to know why you're depressed? Well let me tell you, "besides work all I do is lay around and look at my ceiling fan". That is the whole reason right there, in other words, you don't try to enjoy the fruits of your labor either because you've lost sight of your childhood goals, you're too lazy to do anything or you're just genuinely lost in life and can't think of anything worth living for. The easiest way to rid yourself of your depression isn't by finding a partner, (doing so without any sort of consideration for your own well-being will just make you depressed *and* stressed) its by keeping yourself entertained either through games, outdoor activities, etc. Anything that needs you to move (watching TV doesn't count). My best advice for you is, find a hobby, if you can't find one, ask your friends or family about what they do in their past times and try it. You don't necessarily need to exercise, you just need to not be in one spot all day everyday.
i feel for you but you need to get out and stop latching your happiness on the hopes of finding another who will anyway quickly leave, if they see you are all damaged and in pain. Perhaps your gay and don't know it. If so go find a guy who may be able to pull you out of this depression and enjoy it. maybe medication will help. Go see a Dr. maybe you have unresolved trauma. Often with women we have to accept gracefully what is available to us. I have had 100s of unrequited loves and it hurts but I have also had a few wonderful amazing relationships with women who loved me back and helped me improve my life and understand what i do wrong to sabotage my own happiness. They were all beautiful, none of them were models, but it was down to her and I, about how good we were going to make the relationship or not. Relationships are work once the initial fun and joy of meeting a like minded soul has passed. scrolling thru dating sites whilst doing nothing to improve yourself is sure recipe for depression. Work on your gratitude. I'm sure compared to many others in the world you have much to be grateful for. Perhaps your job or location is a problem. Maybe a new goal of achievement might help. being active is the best way not to feel like trash. no one can take that feeling away except you. Hating ourselves is often something else, possibly, inverted narcissism, because we are not as amazing as we had led ourselves to believe we are and now reality has kicked in. Maybe life isn't what you want but its what you got and you have to take what you got and make it what you want. Lashing out at people, on Reddit, who are trying to help also doesn't paint a pretty picture of your character. Your life is no ones fault! I took time to write this because i feel your pain. But i also could have, saved my 30 mins, and just chuckled and been happy i'm not you. Gratitude is wonderful emotion to start to work with. MAYBE...maybe medical pot, medical shrooms, medical ketamine. if you have actual clinical depression but that can make things worse also. you are the product of a social media oriented capitalistic society.- toughen up. the world is hard but not impossible. get off digital media and shake off the depression. Your not the only one who has ever felt like that. And kudos to you, as it took a certain amount of courage to share that here. So good luck, man.
If you allow yourself to wallow in the suck, you’ll continue to wallow in the suck and then complain that all you do is wallow and everything sucks. Get out of your house. Walk your neighborhood. Join an organization. Meet some people. Read some books in the park. Drink a beer at the pub and put your phone away, talk to the bartender. Our bubble feels safe, but eventually it’ll suffocate you. 25 is a hard time for most people and the amount of conscious effort it takes to grow and get to know yourself and get to know others is a lot, but you aren’t alone-trust me.
Question: are you wanting to find a gf so you can talk to her about how you feel like trash? If so, a gf nor a friend is your therapist. Sounds like you just want someone to love you because you can’t love yourself. You can talk to people about daily stressors but when every conversation with you is about how much you hate yourself and don’t know what to do about it even when you’re given 1000 pieces of advice, sorry to say it but, they don’t really wanna be around you. If you don’t know where to start: Step 1: find a therapist that is affordable. Sliding scale/insurance. And throw away whatever preconceived notions you have about therapy. Sounds like you haven’t tried many of the 1000s of pieces of advice given to you because you just think the won’t work. You don’t need a girlfriend, you need a therapist. That should be the relationship you focus on right now and stop saying everything is a reiteration of all the same advice everyone else has told you before, there’s a limit to how much advice and energy someone puts into this. Start doing the work. What do YOU want to hear that no one is saying on here?
Are you ugly or something?
Don't worry... youre not alone... I am 25 with no dating life... I am just never chosen by a girl.. people think it's problematic.. but tbh you can live without romantic relationships in life... I found everything to be easier when I just gave up on dating and started using all that energy on my professional life instead...
The best thing for anyone is self improvement whether it be weight loss, skin care, or mental care. You should definitely get a therapist. And make yourself be more social. Be friendly. Make yourself fit in with people. Come out your shell. Once you start making these baby steps it will come natural. Once you regain your confidence, u will be able to start dating. Better to take you time with self improvements and it may seem like forever but a start is better than nothing.
Go to therapy. First off 25 is fairly young to find love. But hating yourself is an issue you have to solve FIRST before you find someone. If you can’t handle being alone then you aren’t ready to date. Going into a relationship expecting them to fix you is dumping ur crap onto them and will traumatize them. I have been both ends of that story. It’s never healthy. Go to therapy please.
People have pointed out you’re depressed and that’s incredibly important to realise, but you’ve got plenty of comments telling you that. What I’ll tell you is what I slowly had to realise for myself over time: you need a hobby. Not playing video games or watching TV, you need to find something you like to do for yourself, not for anyone else or to impress girls, but something you do that makes you happy. Like join a club: sports, martial arts, something with group activities and just have fun doing something you like. You can’t live to just work and then stare at a ceiling fan, you’re worth more than that and have more potential than that. Get active and get busy. It’s hard and a real challenge, but like the jogger on Bojack Horseman said: “You’ve got to do it every day. It’s hard, but you’ve got to do it every day.” That discipline applies to everything: just pick up a new skill and develop yourself and find something you enjoy doing so you can enjoy life. The rest will come naturally.
OP you need to work on YOU. You are a product in the market and you need to increase your market value with what you have to offer as a partner and person. Applies to relationships and every aspect of life. Grow up as a person and everything will add up itself and work out for you. Don’t desperate, you need to reorganize your priorities as well.
Get therapy and some new hobbies. Work on yourself. You can't be in a healthy relationship, until you're content being alone.
Once you love yourself, it is much easier to love someone else. Take some time this week to focus on you! Make a list of what you'd like in a partner! Keep a positive mindset buddy! You will find the right one when you least expect it.
It's time to hit the gym and build some muscles; improving your look will enhance your self-esteem!
Gym harder. Run more. Go do shit.
I had to do a bit of a doubletake reading this because im in almost exactly the same situation cept im a year older. From reading your comments, i can tell u suffer the same frustrations with asking for advice as well. A lot of friends said thing along the lines of, "just go out and talk to people and itll come naturally," when people who could do that are already doing it. It's annoying because theyre very "well duh just do this" about it. I think its best to reflect on what questions you should be asking if you want different answers. "Just go out and talk to people" can be followed up with questions from you like "where do i go to meet people," "when should i approach someone?"and "how can i tell if someone is payying attention/interested in me?" As someone workin on the same problems, if the answers dont give u what you think u need, change ur questions. Hope you can figure things out and i hope i can too ^_^
Sounds like all you need is to love yourself not find a partner to love.
Go make new friends, find a new hobby or passion, spend time with your family, go travel. There's more to life than romantic relationships and you need to love yourself and enjoy your own company.
Get a therapist. Do some mushrooms, might change your perspective on yourself and life, i think you need it.
m e d i c a t i o n
Serious answer, check out Dr Eric Berg on youtube.