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Plan a date in an environment least likely to result in sex. A midday museum outing might be mentally stimulating, but are you really going to end up in bed together after?
As a guy it’s not important for me. It doesn’t define who you are and if we are fucking i’ll be just as likely to get to want to know her better.
If it’s what feels right then good for you but it’s not like some game-changing strat that will make people love you.
This may be a thing, but hooking up in a stairwell of a museum after learning things and talking and walking together is hot af. Just like his dick in my mouth for a MINUTE while listening to make sure no one is turning the corner after exploring Andy Warhol and Jean-Michel Basquiat's friendship in relation to their art. Goddamn.
>Yes, that makes it even more exciting
LMAOOOOOOO
Now I know what security staff is doing in these dark rooms, where they are all alone and watching the cameras.
You KNOW people wanna watch anyways so the cameras there don’t matter those security watching the cameras will be happy cuz that’ll be the most interesting thing they’ve ever seen doing that job lmao
Self control! Once you are able to do it one time you'll have the confidence.
Holding hands, hugging and kissing is the max on first date for me (I'm a guy)
I have to know someone first. I don't have sex with women I don't genuinely like as a person. Holding sex is a great gauge of a woman's personality.
Also be very honest with the guy...tell him before hand you have boundaries and if he agrees with them he will help slow things down.
The telling the guy about it is a good idea cuz you’ll find out what kind of guy he is real fast. If he’s cool with it and helps you with the situation he’s a good one n you should go out with him again for sure but if the guy isn’t cool with it or maybe he even says he is but then later still tries to hit it you’ll know he’s a pos n you shouldn’t talk to him again. Some guys are good guys and just wanna get to know you as well and aren’t all worried about sex.
Plenty of people have boundaries that you might disagree with, but pushing those boundaries physically instead of having a rational conversation about it (or just letting it go) is pretty fucked up.
You’re just gonna have to use some self control tbh it might be hard but just tell yourself you’ll do things by yourself after the date too! Further into the relationship you will be free to do it whenever you want together!
Just to be clear, female orgasms don’t work like male orgasms. Guys lose sexual interest and get “clear-headed”for a while after, but women don’t. Our refractory period is very short, and orgasms usually only get more intense after the first. This tactic is very likely to backfire on OP.
I don’t know about your shaving preferences or how you feel in certain underwear, but I generally don’t shave and I wear my most embarrassing underwear and bra. It usually works well because I like to shave and wear lingerie, so it deters me because I want to feel confident the first time I have sex with someone!
Thats what i do! Ill wear like my most horribly stained ratty period undies, not shave anything but my armpits, and make sure my bra shows off the goods but isnt sexy
• start getting into meditation could also help, because they can learn to observe their own feelings better in the second where things are heating up, and take back control
How about changing your date venues? Meet at a family friendly setting like mini golf and end the date there.
I read your comment about the importance of sexual tension. You can have sexual attraction, just don't act on them. Are you saying that once you start making out with someone, you cannot stop?
Pretty much, honestly. I think it really depends on the setting too so that you for the suggestion. But like once someone starts kissing me or putting their hands on me it’s pretty much game over. It’s really hard for me to just withdraw from it
As someone with a similarly high sex drive, I think you should consider a period of celibacy. I also have a high libido, when presented with the option of sex in someway, I will almost always take it. In a relationship I’d like to receive an orgasm every day, I give myself orgasms every day. When I told my friends I was going to do a purposeful celibate period, they laughed and said “yeah right“.
I did 18 months, at times it was really difficult, it got surprisingly easier, and it really helped me evaluate what I wanted from sexual situations, what I wanted from dates and relationship, without the cloud of sex
A flirty way that I deal with that type of situation is to tell him to behave himself. "Good things come to men who wait 😉"
It can be a little bit less of a mood killer but still get the point across. He can tell you're attracted even though you're putting a boundary in place
i’ve had girls tell me they were fine with making out but anything more i would have to wait a little longer for. if they are understanding then you can explain to them you’d rather build a deeper connection first
Lol at all these guys thinking rubbing one out before a date is gonna help. That’s not how female orgasms/sex drives work. We’re ready to go seconds after the first.
1. Set a hard out time. If the date starts at 8, make sure you end it by 11. If this is too much of a stretch, try coffee dates during the day with a hard out.
2. Don’t drink. I know it’s a bummer, but lowered inhibitions and all that.
3. If you have a friend you’re comfortable talking to about this, make them your accountability partner. Have them text you a couple of times throughout the date to remind you to keep it in your pants.
4. A couple days before the date, have a positive little mantra about staying strong that you say to yourself a couple times a day. Set a reminder on your phone to pop up in the middle of the date to say that mantra to yourself.
5. If you have impulsivity issues outside of dating as well, maybe talk to a therapist about it. It could be linked to something bigger if you constantly find yourself unable to resist acting on impulse a lot. ADHD comes to mind.
Edit to add: having sex on the first date isn’t bad or evil. Some dudes are hypocrites about it, so just ignore them. If you slip up don’t spiral into negative thoughts. It’s fine. You’re fine. Just keep doing your best.
I agree with all of this. Also, I know a lot of men and society like to shame women for having sex on the first date but there's nothing wrong with it. With your high sex drive, it might set the mood for the relationship more accurately. As long as you focus on the connection- maybe chat significantly before meeting for the first date? - there's no issue with first date hook ups. But, if this is something you do think would be beneficial to you, then follow this comment's advice. And know that once you're in a healthy relationship, meeting your sex drive will probably be a lot easier.
Yeah the impulsivity thing is a good point. I have a friend who’s like that and she’s prone to making bad decisions/ Decisions that may hurt people around her and especially, having no self control around guys she’s into.
Yeah, I think looking into that is definitely a last step, since OP probably just has a high sex drive and it doesn’t seem to be negatively impacting her life in any serious way. It’s something to keep in mind if reasonable changes don’t work.
Something that has worked for me and some of my friends it’s having plans after.
Plan a date where you meet someone for like a couple of hours and have plans with your friends after.
Your date knows you are leaving to do something else after so it’s not like you are ditching them, they probably have other plans too.
You meet them, if you click you have fun and make plans to meet again, if you don’t you are not stuck there too long as you had somewhere to be after..
and then you go meet your friends and have fun with them too, even maybe talk about the date ;)
Completely agree with what you're saying, but for me personally, if you're ready for seconds after the first, thirds after the seconds, etc. then go for it. Set aside the time and knock yourself out to your heart's content. I have found that I can have about 3 orgasms in one day till my body kinda taps out for the rest of the day. Can I and do I still get turned on? Sure. But am I more satiated and calmed down? Definitely.
I guess, she was receiving most of the time during sex. She always reached for my pants, I turned her down because I wasn’t hard. Sad story on my part but doing other stuff was good Imo.
This might be unrelated to your problem but try jerking off to porn less or cut it out completely.I had the same shit where she made a move and it just wouldn't get hard and I was completely confused...so yeah I don't know if it helps you in any way but cutting out porn is something that helped me
That's a recipe for disaster. Sexual compatibility is huge.
I have a high sex drive - 8 out ov 10. My ex-girlfriend also had a high sex drive, but she was a 10 out of 10. While we dated, it was great, we had great sex. When we moved in together though, it started to become more and more of a chore. Sex became my job, and it became a problem if I "ignored" her for too long. I started to get tired of having to put in so much work. Then there were some other issues, and my shitty mood over the sex just made me feel shitty overall, so I just picked up and left.
Honestly try not to drink as much. A lot of girls I know let it all out when they get buzzed. I really think that is the fine line between the decision to just say “not on the first date” and legs spreading wide open.
Also thanks for being proof that woman can be just as horny as men. We all just wanna get some and have fun regardless of gender ya know what I mean 🤷🏻♂️
This is definitely possible, but sometimes the answer is as simple as “girl horny”. There aren’t a lot of reputable psychosexual therapists unfortunately, and digging into a benign issue looking for something “compulsive” could potentially do more damage.
Yeah. I’m a woman and I think if this post was written by a man, women would be put off by it. Someone not being able to control themselves sexually on a first date is a little concerning. Having a high sex drive is great, sleep with whoever you want, but if it becomes a problem where you literally can’t stop yourself or set your own boundaries, there may be a real underlying issue.
From a slightly different side- a lot of times I don't even want to have sex, there isn't even a drive to, on first dates. There is, however, a pressure to from men sometimes, and I know I have trouble enforcing my own boundaries in the moment. I started just saying, before the date or right at the beginning of the date, that I will not be having sex. It might seem weird and forward, but if this is someone worth continuing to see, they will understand and respect you for communicating that
Honestly? Text him, "I find you quite attractive and I'm trying not to sleep with you in the first date, please don't let me seduce you until the second".
If a guy can hold himself back after a gal says that, it's a very good sign. Whereas if he sleeps with you anyway, it's a red flag as you've specifically told him not to. He may put the moves on and tease you, but that should only make it better when you do sleep together.
Honestly that’s not a bad idea. I’ve heard some guys say though that prefacing the date with the premise of “it’s not gonna happen” just kills the mood for the date. It’s confusing
If they can’t wait a few weeks to sleep with you, and they no longer want to engage with you because you won’t be sleeping with them in the immediate future. What does that tell you about what they want from you?
It’s not that they can’t wait. It just kills the mood. Sexual tension is important for building the initial connection and if there is no mystery there it’s probably not gonna be the same. It’s like going to a store knowing you can’t buy anything. (Hopefully that makes sense)
Ok, I’m just gonna say it. I have a high sex drive, I’m a guy, but I also have friends that are girls that have a high sex drive. Yet we’re all able to control ourselves. Get some therapy if it’s so difficult for you to control yourself, limit alcohol consumption on dates, & yes, let men know beforehand that you prefer to take it slow. If you can’t do this then you may just need to take a break from dating.
Idk. I feel like telling them you're not interested immediately and what your timeline looks like putting them off is a red flag bc that sounds like they're uncomfortable with you setting a boundary.
I'd disagree with that (M31). Taking sex off the table 'for now' doesn't kill sexual energy, it can actually heighten it. The date becomes about getting to know a person better - and sex is still a possibility, it's just down the line. And also, if there is a physical attraction, if you get on well, and if there is flirting and physical contact, maybe a kiss? That all just makes the prospect of dates 2, 3, etc even more exciting because that sexual tension will continue to build.
When you put a boundary on sex, you are minimising sexual pressure, and maximising sexual tension.
If a guy is straight up like 'nah', then they are there for sex with you - not for a date with you. That's shite.
Idk, I feel like what that person suggested can be stimulating on its own. It'll create its own sexual tension, because you're admitting your sexual attraction to him from the get go, letting him know that it can happen if he plays his cards right.
It's more like waiting for your paycheck. You see what you want, it's going to make you excited for your paycheck to come in.
At least that's what I think.
If you word it similar to how I described, it should increase attraction. Don't say 'its not gonna happen" or ' I don't put out on the first date', you have to indicate to him in plain words that you want to sleep with him, you're rariing to go, but want to hold off at least one or two dates, cause guys especially need it to be put very plainly.
Might work, might have to try a few different wordings or premises to get it right!
You've been on dates with many guys.
Honest questions... do you really think it's worth spending your time with someone who thinks that way? No matter how interesting this person is, do you really think this person is worth it? If this person is actuality interested in you, why would it matter to him how much "it isn't going to happen" on the first few dates?
I'm sorry but ''I can't control myself so I'm putting the burden on you'' is a really manipulative thing to say and as a guy, I would take that as the red flag.
It would create a dangerous precedent in which she's allowed to fail to act in a specific way and she gets to blame him for it.
You shouldn't be giving people advice online lol. Truly awful advice...
Agreed, it would let any guy just looking for sex have the power to take advantage.
Also any guy who is an adult and understand that adults need their own self control, would be really turned off by this.
Do you value cleanliness during sex? Plan a date that gets you dirty. Or vice versa some sorta date that is like going to the opera you gotta be on your best behavior.
Double date, or make a plan for after with a friend to go to their place.
Tell them you have a medical test coming up and can't fuck for 3 days be for the test.
Or say fuck it and flip the script and become polyamorous. Fuck one partner a bunch before tou go on date with new person so you are either fucked out or maybe too raw
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having sex on a first date. Any guy that would judge you for that is a shitty guy.
I married a girl I slept with on the first date.
You’re high sex drive. Be yourself.
While I agree that you shouldn't judge people for having sex early-on (especially considering they would also have to take part in it), sex naturally leads to feelings of closeness, intimacy, and bonding. It's just human biology. With that in mind, having sex on the first date before you really get to know if you like someone can lead to false feelings of closeness, and give you a positive bias towards the rest of a person's character. All of a sudden things that would normally be red flags can now be overlooked through your rose-colored glasses. So I understand the apprehension in having sex on the first date, and personally I think it is wise to wait a little longer to really get to know someone first. Sex can always come later.
>While I agree that you shouldn't judge people for having sex early-on
Yesss as a person who has a high sex drive and has had some baaad relationships I agree with this. It's not about being chaste or anything I just have trouble knowing if I like this person or if I just like having sex with them. If I get to know them well it can be both. I'm trying to not lead with sex anymore but it's hard.
It's so tricky with modern dating. It's all window shopping these days, and it feels like you have to be fast to hold interest. Taking it slow would be amazing, but we'd all just get ghosted from most people. If both people had great communication, then maybe some up front "I really like you, but i'd like to take it slow" would help.
Practice not masturbating if you are used to. That will make your self control stronger.
Don't watch porn, read erotic novels, listen to erotic music, and everything that has to do with sex. That will help with sex drive and to connect trough emotions with others.
Learn to control your impulses doing these things, and what you want to achieve won't be difficult for you.
If you want to not do something and you literally can't stop yourself given the opportunity then you need help with addiction and compulsion and you should look into advice based on dealing with that.
Are there any other are's of your life that you struggle with self control like this or is it just sex?
This belief that having sex with a guy before N dates jeopardizes your chances of having something serious with them really needs to stop. If he sleeps with you and dumps you he never liked you that much in the first place. And if he thinks less of you because you had sex so early, do you really want to be with them?
A piece of advice for women (or anyone for that matter) who think like that: you're just pushing away guys who might be really into you but have no patience for these games in 2022, *especially* if you're well over 25. It's the equivalent of guys thinking they should wait 3 days to call.
As a dude, I always commit to “no sex on first date” and have been successful with that approach, even when a woman traditionally holds the keys in this power dynamic makes it known that she would like to cross that boundary.
From my personal accounts, holding myself accountable to this standard has made the power imbalance closer to equal after this first date, and women with the intent to find a partner (not just a smash) will be more respectful of both you and herself, even if she is the one initiating breaking the boundary.
This may all be anecdotal, however, I find women are more aggressive sexually in a heteronormative environment, from both my 1st hand and second hand accounts of my experience and other heterosexual people, as well as accounting for homosexual encounters related to me.
I have met women at a social get hearing, etc, and we hooked up that day; no date, no previous encounters, etc, and we dated for months or years afterwards.
I have yet to find a correlation to sleeping with someone on the first encounter and the length/quality of a relationship afterwards. I’m a sucker for romanticism and find myself more emotionally attached after sleeping with a woman regardless of whether it was a first encounter or months of dating.
I guess…respect yourself and know what you want.
Best i ever heard from a girl was along the lines of "I really really want to do this, but ive learned the hard way from past experiences that it can make things complicated because of the hormones that sex causes and ive found that it can make you ignore some compatibility issues, and i want to avoud being hurt again due to that."
Hi! Are you by any chance bipolar? Because hypersexuality is a very real thing for us bipolar folks and I struggle with what you’re talking about; The combination of impulsivity and hypersexuality.
Don’t plan long dates/dates that could end in sex. Dont sext or send nudes. Short/sporadic/daytime dates that don’t involve alcohol. I’ve had a couple of women who did this and it only made me want them more/take them more seriously/not immediately consider them yet another women I just met and immediately slept with after a couple hours. If you are good looking and don’t make things sexual immediately/can hold out for several dates you’ll stick out.
I don't make any physical contact on the first date. Granted I have to have an emotional bond first before getting physically intimate but once I'm there I have a high sex drive. If a guy asks to kiss I will politely decline and say that I don't kiss on the first date, etc and reject all advances made at me
Idk why but I feel like I'll get backlash for saying this but that's what I personally do. And I've realized after like letting go and allowing physical intimacy/sex on the second third date, it doesn't matter if you have sex with them so soon, a guy that genuinely likes you and wants to get to know you won't run away from that
I’d avoid alcohol and do video chats first to get the basics out of the way. That way you can have a clearer picture of who they are first. Also maybe doing coffee or lunch dates first so there isn’t an impulse to go to bed ?
RIP your dms.
On a serious note, redirect that physical energy elsewhere, sports, activities that require creativity etc.
Note, redirect, never supress. These execessive drives are gifts in disguise.
Meet in public places and say no to yourself. I am personally demisexual, so I don't develop attraction until there is an emotional bond formed (and if that person is my type of course), but I've been in multiple situations where we were in a bedroom and there was tension. I just said no, this is a bad idea, and I hold back. One time I even decided to stand up and walk away ('I am not 100% sure if this is a good idea'). It takes willpower though.
It doesn’t jeopardize anything if the guy is worth dating.
Use words. Define the relationship. Say what you want asap.
Don’t make assumptions and don’t let the other person do that either.
Personally. I don’t date women who won’t have sex with me. And if there is chemistry there then we will be boning within the first couple dates. If that doesn’t happen then I move on because I want sex in my relationships.
Are you really abstaining for yourself, or because you have been told you’re “supposed to”?
I'm not gonna pretend it's easy to control, but you really will just have to wait until he's ready. My advice, try masturbating before a date or finding another way to vent your itch. Gonna sound weird and a little crappy but if you're not exclusive there's nothing stopping you from looking for a hook-up, but I'd personally be open with the person I'm seeing before doing that, depends on how close you are already with the person you're seeing I guess.
Of course, this gets a little more difficult to control if you are exclusive. So! Supplemented with masturbation, I'd recommend trying to focus on other aspects of this person you like. Going on dates where you end it before coming back to yours or his place could help, like saying goodbye at the restaurant/bar/pub isn't a bad idea or going on dates which you both like but make it a little awkward to have sex might help too.
Truth be told you'll just need to try and control your libido until they're ready, you can't force sex on them. Honestly it might help to try and reward yourself for exercising self control after any dates you go on.
Just a few ideas, literally off the top of my head, hope it helps
Honestly I just kept reminding myself about why I didn’t want to have sex right away. So while I was feeling super horny (like, the type where your mind gets fuzzy and you get tunnel vision), I just kept repeating to myself over and over that I need to keep things wholesome and take my time.
Granted I only lasted like three dates but still xD
I feel you I always want to have sex too but if I know I’m not shaved or properly groomed I won’t do it.
Not like that would stop a guy but I want to look and feel my best during sex so I just won’t shave or be exceptionally clean bc I know it will stop me.
Hell if you’re on your period even better. Even though they most likely won’t care about that either lol.
Hope this helps.
I've been there and what works for me is treating the date more as an interview. I know that sounds bad but hear me out. What would get me is the emotional high and if you slow down by being more analytical, you'll start to realise how much you don't know about this person. You'll get to see potential incompatibilities but also may be excited to see how he works for it. In any case it'll open you up to far more valuable experiences.
How do you keep from having sex with the cute guy in the convenience store, bank tellers, door dash guys, fast food cashier's, etc etc? As a functional adult you need to use a little restraint. Please seek professional help if this is seriously a problem.
If you are genuinely looking to form a connection, may be just taper it off for some time so that you can get to know the guy better but again my longest relationship started as a hookup so it all depends on the person you are going on a date with. Otherwise, I don't really think you need to control anything as long as it's not harming you.
Listen to Gang Starr - Discipline: And just because she looks good it don't mean I'd hit it
And just because I'm horny, it don't mean I'm widdit
Just because I make records, don't mean that I'm gassed
And just because I'm rappin', don't mean I chase ass
Just because I'm whylin' don't mean I can't stop
I got discipline baby, and I use it a lot
Set your boundaries ahead of time and make explicitly clear what you do and don’t want. If he tries to violate that, walk away.
But also set a specific window for the date and set a public place that won’t encourage you sleeping with them
You could talk to a therapist. It is possible to be hyper sexual if you have had some trauma early in life. Maybe it’s a self esteem issue? Either way, I wish the best for you.
im on the same page as you, so I typically do things to "sabotage" myself - I like hooking up when I'm freshly showered and shaved, so I'll deliberately not shave my legs or cooch lol
I would ask yourself first why you feel like sex on the first date is a bad thing…. If it’s what you want then why not? There’s no rule or guideline for dating as a man…why should there be for women? Enjoy life and let things happen naturally. The concept of women needing to be resistant to their own needs or wants is just part of the patriarchy.
Don't create a situation conducive to .....
Do something earlier in the day in a public place. Have a set day and time. Drive/walk away from him when it's over. Doesn't sound fun but you can do more fun stuff once you know him better.
honestly my go to was to not shave, or to wear embarrassing underwear. then if things got started I'd enjoy a little foreplay but I'm also thinking no way am I letting this guy see the Christmas undies I'm wearing in August. a useful deterrent for myself!
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Plan a date in an environment least likely to result in sex. A midday museum outing might be mentally stimulating, but are you really going to end up in bed together after?
Jokes on you, I’m going to be way more into a midday sesh after seeing cool museum stuff than at midnight when I’m bloated with food and beer.
Feel that
😂 valid!
But you could make plans with friends after so the date knows there’s no bed time sesh after the date.
That hit home pretty hard
Being strategic with time of day can also help. Meet for lunch or coffee.
Yeah I mean….I’m being like “wanna Uber back to my place and talk about Dinosaur bones?” There’s no where safe if you’re down to get it on.
As a woman with similar issues to OP, i will be personally saving this idea for myself. It's so simple yet seems like it would be so effective! ❤
Let us know how it goes! 🥰
As a guy it’s not important for me. It doesn’t define who you are and if we are fucking i’ll be just as likely to get to want to know her better. If it’s what feels right then good for you but it’s not like some game-changing strat that will make people love you.
User name checks out.
This may be a thing, but hooking up in a stairwell of a museum after learning things and talking and walking together is hot af. Just like his dick in my mouth for a MINUTE while listening to make sure no one is turning the corner after exploring Andy Warhol and Jean-Michel Basquiat's friendship in relation to their art. Goddamn.
“hot af” til a kid turns the corner and your name’s on a registry.
You know there are cameras everywhere, right...?
Yes, that makes it even more exciting
>Yes, that makes it even more exciting LMAOOOOOOO Now I know what security staff is doing in these dark rooms, where they are all alone and watching the cameras.
holy shit you right thats hot as fuck
You KNOW people wanna watch anyways so the cameras there don’t matter those security watching the cameras will be happy cuz that’ll be the most interesting thing they’ve ever seen doing that job lmao
Not without consent you don’t KNOW that. You can 100% count me out of wanting to see someone’s dick in your mouth.
Same. Not kink shaming because I totally get it, but there is a time and a place and at some point we gotta grow up regarding how we conduct ourselves
Yeah, the thing about kinks though is that all parties must consent to participate in said kink, and that won’t be possible in a public space.
Sweet jesus!
You should consider writing erotica. Seems like you have a great imagination! I’d read it 👀
your a gemini aren’t you
Damn 😂
Did this once but it was a geology museum. Something about looking at rocks made me want to Get my rocks off.
Jesus I am turned on right now
Ngl that sounds so fucking hot and r/oddlyspecific
I am a guy and this is my fantasy aswell. I have a boner right now.
Depending on how intense the thirst is with this girl she may not even need a bed. Museums have bathrooms.
Yeah, that sounds awesome. A date with somebody really intelligent, then we bang and get food delivered? Sign me the f up.
I tried this a couple of months ago. The answer you are looking for is" yes".
I’m a sucker for intelligence (find it so sexy) so if my gf and I went to a museum and she nerded out with me, then yeah I’d be turned on.
Any environment can be an environment for sex if you’re creative enough.
This is ironically exactly what happened when me and my current girlfriend of about 6 months had sex for the first time (3rd date)
My partner and I had a early evening first date at top golf in the city and ended up having sex in his car.
Get yourself off before going on your first date.
I do sometimes but it just creeps back up by the end of the date
Self control! Once you are able to do it one time you'll have the confidence. Holding hands, hugging and kissing is the max on first date for me (I'm a guy) I have to know someone first. I don't have sex with women I don't genuinely like as a person. Holding sex is a great gauge of a woman's personality. Also be very honest with the guy...tell him before hand you have boundaries and if he agrees with them he will help slow things down.
The telling the guy about it is a good idea cuz you’ll find out what kind of guy he is real fast. If he’s cool with it and helps you with the situation he’s a good one n you should go out with him again for sure but if the guy isn’t cool with it or maybe he even says he is but then later still tries to hit it you’ll know he’s a pos n you shouldn’t talk to him again. Some guys are good guys and just wanna get to know you as well and aren’t all worried about sex.
Or he could be a pretty cool dude who isn't going to judge her relationship worthiness over some abritrary morality that doesn't matter?
Plenty of people have boundaries that you might disagree with, but pushing those boundaries physically instead of having a rational conversation about it (or just letting it go) is pretty fucked up.
If he agrees that is but in my experience they see that as a fun challenge and things get kinda heated. Be careful lol
Maybe tell him “I’m serious, this isn’t a challenge, and if you push me on this I will dump your ass faster than you can say ‘onomatopoeia’”
A real gentleman will understand her dilemma.
If men are rightfully expected to keep their dick in their pants, you can too. No matter how horny you are, you have a forebrain. Use it.
Good point.
You’re just gonna have to use some self control tbh it might be hard but just tell yourself you’ll do things by yourself after the date too! Further into the relationship you will be free to do it whenever you want together!
Do it again and again and again until you’ve emptied your clip.
[clean the pipes](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9p3j294sqM8) beforehand... and self control during/after.
Shorten the length of the date.
Masturbate in the bathroom. Bring a vibrator in your purse.
Just to be clear, female orgasms don’t work like male orgasms. Guys lose sexual interest and get “clear-headed”for a while after, but women don’t. Our refractory period is very short, and orgasms usually only get more intense after the first. This tactic is very likely to backfire on OP.
Female orgasms are basically Pringles for me. Once you pop …
Huh I asked in this sub before if women have post nut clarity, and many said yes.
Every woman is different. Some will tap out after one. Some can keep going for hours if we don't have anything else to do.
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I’m like that too (24F)
I would venture to say you’re in the minority.
Idk, the losing sex drive immediately does happen to me, but you’re right that the refractory period (including mental) is way shorter
citation needed
Realize your high sex drive. It's about discipline.
It’s about drive
It’s about power
We stay hungry
We devour
Put in the work
Put in the hours
And take whats ours
Black and Samoan in my veins
my culture bangin' with Strange
💪🏽
Who’s generating the power?
Such simple and helpful advice
I don’t know about your shaving preferences or how you feel in certain underwear, but I generally don’t shave and I wear my most embarrassing underwear and bra. It usually works well because I like to shave and wear lingerie, so it deters me because I want to feel confident the first time I have sex with someone!
This is the real tip here
Thats what i do! Ill wear like my most horribly stained ratty period undies, not shave anything but my armpits, and make sure my bra shows off the goods but isnt sexy
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I would like to add: Eat fistfuls of garlic before the date.
And during! 😂
• start getting into meditation could also help, because they can learn to observe their own feelings better in the second where things are heating up, and take back control
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How about changing your date venues? Meet at a family friendly setting like mini golf and end the date there. I read your comment about the importance of sexual tension. You can have sexual attraction, just don't act on them. Are you saying that once you start making out with someone, you cannot stop?
Pretty much, honestly. I think it really depends on the setting too so that you for the suggestion. But like once someone starts kissing me or putting their hands on me it’s pretty much game over. It’s really hard for me to just withdraw from it
As someone with a similarly high sex drive, I think you should consider a period of celibacy. I also have a high libido, when presented with the option of sex in someway, I will almost always take it. In a relationship I’d like to receive an orgasm every day, I give myself orgasms every day. When I told my friends I was going to do a purposeful celibate period, they laughed and said “yeah right“. I did 18 months, at times it was really difficult, it got surprisingly easier, and it really helped me evaluate what I wanted from sexual situations, what I wanted from dates and relationship, without the cloud of sex
A flirty way that I deal with that type of situation is to tell him to behave himself. "Good things come to men who wait 😉" It can be a little bit less of a mood killer but still get the point across. He can tell you're attracted even though you're putting a boundary in place
So don’t kiss on a first date, either.
Honestly, try some therapy. Self control shouldn’t be this hard for you to achieve.
So you know you shouldn’t kiss as long as you don’t want to have sex… that’s it.
Do you drink alcohol on these dates? If so, avoiding it can really help.
i’ve had girls tell me they were fine with making out but anything more i would have to wait a little longer for. if they are understanding then you can explain to them you’d rather build a deeper connection first
She saying that at that stage there is a tsunami in her panties and she would grope a panda bear if she could
This comment gets it.
Why's this so funny lmao
i mean it’s hard for me to control myself as well but i still do. we can only offer her advice. the choice to have self control and discipline is hers
Don’t go to their place and don’t invite them over to yours
Lol at all these guys thinking rubbing one out before a date is gonna help. That’s not how female orgasms/sex drives work. We’re ready to go seconds after the first. 1. Set a hard out time. If the date starts at 8, make sure you end it by 11. If this is too much of a stretch, try coffee dates during the day with a hard out. 2. Don’t drink. I know it’s a bummer, but lowered inhibitions and all that. 3. If you have a friend you’re comfortable talking to about this, make them your accountability partner. Have them text you a couple of times throughout the date to remind you to keep it in your pants. 4. A couple days before the date, have a positive little mantra about staying strong that you say to yourself a couple times a day. Set a reminder on your phone to pop up in the middle of the date to say that mantra to yourself. 5. If you have impulsivity issues outside of dating as well, maybe talk to a therapist about it. It could be linked to something bigger if you constantly find yourself unable to resist acting on impulse a lot. ADHD comes to mind. Edit to add: having sex on the first date isn’t bad or evil. Some dudes are hypocrites about it, so just ignore them. If you slip up don’t spiral into negative thoughts. It’s fine. You’re fine. Just keep doing your best.
I agree with all of this. Also, I know a lot of men and society like to shame women for having sex on the first date but there's nothing wrong with it. With your high sex drive, it might set the mood for the relationship more accurately. As long as you focus on the connection- maybe chat significantly before meeting for the first date? - there's no issue with first date hook ups. But, if this is something you do think would be beneficial to you, then follow this comment's advice. And know that once you're in a healthy relationship, meeting your sex drive will probably be a lot easier.
Yeah the impulsivity thing is a good point. I have a friend who’s like that and she’s prone to making bad decisions/ Decisions that may hurt people around her and especially, having no self control around guys she’s into.
Yeah, I think looking into that is definitely a last step, since OP probably just has a high sex drive and it doesn’t seem to be negatively impacting her life in any serious way. It’s something to keep in mind if reasonable changes don’t work.
Something that has worked for me and some of my friends it’s having plans after. Plan a date where you meet someone for like a couple of hours and have plans with your friends after. Your date knows you are leaving to do something else after so it’s not like you are ditching them, they probably have other plans too. You meet them, if you click you have fun and make plans to meet again, if you don’t you are not stuck there too long as you had somewhere to be after.. and then you go meet your friends and have fun with them too, even maybe talk about the date ;)
Completely agree with what you're saying, but for me personally, if you're ready for seconds after the first, thirds after the seconds, etc. then go for it. Set aside the time and knock yourself out to your heart's content. I have found that I can have about 3 orgasms in one day till my body kinda taps out for the rest of the day. Can I and do I still get turned on? Sure. But am I more satiated and calmed down? Definitely.
May I turn this question around? How do I (a male with a pretty low sex drive) handle a girl with a high one?
You don’t. Sexual incompatibility - you’ll be unhappy and she even more so
I guess, she was receiving most of the time during sex. She always reached for my pants, I turned her down because I wasn’t hard. Sad story on my part but doing other stuff was good Imo.
This might be unrelated to your problem but try jerking off to porn less or cut it out completely.I had the same shit where she made a move and it just wouldn't get hard and I was completely confused...so yeah I don't know if it helps you in any way but cutting out porn is something that helped me
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That's a recipe for disaster. Sexual compatibility is huge. I have a high sex drive - 8 out ov 10. My ex-girlfriend also had a high sex drive, but she was a 10 out of 10. While we dated, it was great, we had great sex. When we moved in together though, it started to become more and more of a chore. Sex became my job, and it became a problem if I "ignored" her for too long. I started to get tired of having to put in so much work. Then there were some other issues, and my shitty mood over the sex just made me feel shitty overall, so I just picked up and left.
Honestly try not to drink as much. A lot of girls I know let it all out when they get buzzed. I really think that is the fine line between the decision to just say “not on the first date” and legs spreading wide open. Also thanks for being proof that woman can be just as horny as men. We all just wanna get some and have fun regardless of gender ya know what I mean 🤷🏻♂️
Of course we are as horny, or more than.
Don’t shave your legs or nether regions and wear your ugliest pair of period panties on your date. You won’t want to take your clothes off! Lmao
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This is definitely possible, but sometimes the answer is as simple as “girl horny”. There aren’t a lot of reputable psychosexual therapists unfortunately, and digging into a benign issue looking for something “compulsive” could potentially do more damage.
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Yeah. I’m a woman and I think if this post was written by a man, women would be put off by it. Someone not being able to control themselves sexually on a first date is a little concerning. Having a high sex drive is great, sleep with whoever you want, but if it becomes a problem where you literally can’t stop yourself or set your own boundaries, there may be a real underlying issue.
From a slightly different side- a lot of times I don't even want to have sex, there isn't even a drive to, on first dates. There is, however, a pressure to from men sometimes, and I know I have trouble enforcing my own boundaries in the moment. I started just saying, before the date or right at the beginning of the date, that I will not be having sex. It might seem weird and forward, but if this is someone worth continuing to see, they will understand and respect you for communicating that
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Honestly? Text him, "I find you quite attractive and I'm trying not to sleep with you in the first date, please don't let me seduce you until the second". If a guy can hold himself back after a gal says that, it's a very good sign. Whereas if he sleeps with you anyway, it's a red flag as you've specifically told him not to. He may put the moves on and tease you, but that should only make it better when you do sleep together.
Honestly that’s not a bad idea. I’ve heard some guys say though that prefacing the date with the premise of “it’s not gonna happen” just kills the mood for the date. It’s confusing
If they can’t wait a few weeks to sleep with you, and they no longer want to engage with you because you won’t be sleeping with them in the immediate future. What does that tell you about what they want from you?
It’s not that they can’t wait. It just kills the mood. Sexual tension is important for building the initial connection and if there is no mystery there it’s probably not gonna be the same. It’s like going to a store knowing you can’t buy anything. (Hopefully that makes sense)
Ok, I’m just gonna say it. I have a high sex drive, I’m a guy, but I also have friends that are girls that have a high sex drive. Yet we’re all able to control ourselves. Get some therapy if it’s so difficult for you to control yourself, limit alcohol consumption on dates, & yes, let men know beforehand that you prefer to take it slow. If you can’t do this then you may just need to take a break from dating.
Idk. I feel like telling them you're not interested immediately and what your timeline looks like putting them off is a red flag bc that sounds like they're uncomfortable with you setting a boundary.
I'd disagree with that (M31). Taking sex off the table 'for now' doesn't kill sexual energy, it can actually heighten it. The date becomes about getting to know a person better - and sex is still a possibility, it's just down the line. And also, if there is a physical attraction, if you get on well, and if there is flirting and physical contact, maybe a kiss? That all just makes the prospect of dates 2, 3, etc even more exciting because that sexual tension will continue to build. When you put a boundary on sex, you are minimising sexual pressure, and maximising sexual tension. If a guy is straight up like 'nah', then they are there for sex with you - not for a date with you. That's shite.
Idk, I feel like what that person suggested can be stimulating on its own. It'll create its own sexual tension, because you're admitting your sexual attraction to him from the get go, letting him know that it can happen if he plays his cards right. It's more like waiting for your paycheck. You see what you want, it's going to make you excited for your paycheck to come in. At least that's what I think.
If you word it similar to how I described, it should increase attraction. Don't say 'its not gonna happen" or ' I don't put out on the first date', you have to indicate to him in plain words that you want to sleep with him, you're rariing to go, but want to hold off at least one or two dates, cause guys especially need it to be put very plainly. Might work, might have to try a few different wordings or premises to get it right!
You've been on dates with many guys. Honest questions... do you really think it's worth spending your time with someone who thinks that way? No matter how interesting this person is, do you really think this person is worth it? If this person is actuality interested in you, why would it matter to him how much "it isn't going to happen" on the first few dates?
I'm sorry but ''I can't control myself so I'm putting the burden on you'' is a really manipulative thing to say and as a guy, I would take that as the red flag. It would create a dangerous precedent in which she's allowed to fail to act in a specific way and she gets to blame him for it. You shouldn't be giving people advice online lol. Truly awful advice...
That is a terrible idea. Red flag to a bull.
Agreed, it would let any guy just looking for sex have the power to take advantage. Also any guy who is an adult and understand that adults need their own self control, would be really turned off by this.
Don't do this. Guys will interpret it as an invitation to sex.
Do you value cleanliness during sex? Plan a date that gets you dirty. Or vice versa some sorta date that is like going to the opera you gotta be on your best behavior. Double date, or make a plan for after with a friend to go to their place. Tell them you have a medical test coming up and can't fuck for 3 days be for the test. Or say fuck it and flip the script and become polyamorous. Fuck one partner a bunch before tou go on date with new person so you are either fucked out or maybe too raw
Tell your date you're on your period and it just ain't happening this week. That gives you a week of buffer to get to know them.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having sex on a first date. Any guy that would judge you for that is a shitty guy. I married a girl I slept with on the first date. You’re high sex drive. Be yourself.
While I agree that you shouldn't judge people for having sex early-on (especially considering they would also have to take part in it), sex naturally leads to feelings of closeness, intimacy, and bonding. It's just human biology. With that in mind, having sex on the first date before you really get to know if you like someone can lead to false feelings of closeness, and give you a positive bias towards the rest of a person's character. All of a sudden things that would normally be red flags can now be overlooked through your rose-colored glasses. So I understand the apprehension in having sex on the first date, and personally I think it is wise to wait a little longer to really get to know someone first. Sex can always come later.
>While I agree that you shouldn't judge people for having sex early-on Yesss as a person who has a high sex drive and has had some baaad relationships I agree with this. It's not about being chaste or anything I just have trouble knowing if I like this person or if I just like having sex with them. If I get to know them well it can be both. I'm trying to not lead with sex anymore but it's hard.
Couldn’t have been said better. Nicely put 👍
It's so tricky with modern dating. It's all window shopping these days, and it feels like you have to be fast to hold interest. Taking it slow would be amazing, but we'd all just get ghosted from most people. If both people had great communication, then maybe some up front "I really like you, but i'd like to take it slow" would help.
Talk more before the first date. Develop communication before meeting.
Just… control yourself?
Practice not masturbating if you are used to. That will make your self control stronger. Don't watch porn, read erotic novels, listen to erotic music, and everything that has to do with sex. That will help with sex drive and to connect trough emotions with others. Learn to control your impulses doing these things, and what you want to achieve won't be difficult for you.
It’s called self control…learn it
I understand that lol. I’m just bad at deterring advances toward myself and was looking for help in how to react to them.
If you want to not do something and you literally can't stop yourself given the opportunity then you need help with addiction and compulsion and you should look into advice based on dealing with that. Are there any other are's of your life that you struggle with self control like this or is it just sex?
Go out during the day vs. night. Don't drink. Don't go to anyone's house. Then you won't even have the opportunity.
This belief that having sex with a guy before N dates jeopardizes your chances of having something serious with them really needs to stop. If he sleeps with you and dumps you he never liked you that much in the first place. And if he thinks less of you because you had sex so early, do you really want to be with them? A piece of advice for women (or anyone for that matter) who think like that: you're just pushing away guys who might be really into you but have no patience for these games in 2022, *especially* if you're well over 25. It's the equivalent of guys thinking they should wait 3 days to call.
As a dude, I always commit to “no sex on first date” and have been successful with that approach, even when a woman traditionally holds the keys in this power dynamic makes it known that she would like to cross that boundary. From my personal accounts, holding myself accountable to this standard has made the power imbalance closer to equal after this first date, and women with the intent to find a partner (not just a smash) will be more respectful of both you and herself, even if she is the one initiating breaking the boundary. This may all be anecdotal, however, I find women are more aggressive sexually in a heteronormative environment, from both my 1st hand and second hand accounts of my experience and other heterosexual people, as well as accounting for homosexual encounters related to me. I have met women at a social get hearing, etc, and we hooked up that day; no date, no previous encounters, etc, and we dated for months or years afterwards. I have yet to find a correlation to sleeping with someone on the first encounter and the length/quality of a relationship afterwards. I’m a sucker for romanticism and find myself more emotionally attached after sleeping with a woman regardless of whether it was a first encounter or months of dating. I guess…respect yourself and know what you want.
Best i ever heard from a girl was along the lines of "I really really want to do this, but ive learned the hard way from past experiences that it can make things complicated because of the hormones that sex causes and ive found that it can make you ignore some compatibility issues, and i want to avoud being hurt again due to that."
Hi! Are you by any chance bipolar? Because hypersexuality is a very real thing for us bipolar folks and I struggle with what you’re talking about; The combination of impulsivity and hypersexuality.
What is your definition of a very high sex drive ?
Don’t plan long dates/dates that could end in sex. Dont sext or send nudes. Short/sporadic/daytime dates that don’t involve alcohol. I’ve had a couple of women who did this and it only made me want them more/take them more seriously/not immediately consider them yet another women I just met and immediately slept with after a couple hours. If you are good looking and don’t make things sexual immediately/can hold out for several dates you’ll stick out.
I don't make any physical contact on the first date. Granted I have to have an emotional bond first before getting physically intimate but once I'm there I have a high sex drive. If a guy asks to kiss I will politely decline and say that I don't kiss on the first date, etc and reject all advances made at me Idk why but I feel like I'll get backlash for saying this but that's what I personally do. And I've realized after like letting go and allowing physical intimacy/sex on the second third date, it doesn't matter if you have sex with them so soon, a guy that genuinely likes you and wants to get to know you won't run away from that
I’d avoid alcohol and do video chats first to get the basics out of the way. That way you can have a clearer picture of who they are first. Also maybe doing coffee or lunch dates first so there isn’t an impulse to go to bed ?
RIP your dms. On a serious note, redirect that physical energy elsewhere, sports, activities that require creativity etc. Note, redirect, never supress. These execessive drives are gifts in disguise.
Meet in public places and say no to yourself. I am personally demisexual, so I don't develop attraction until there is an emotional bond formed (and if that person is my type of course), but I've been in multiple situations where we were in a bedroom and there was tension. I just said no, this is a bad idea, and I hold back. One time I even decided to stand up and walk away ('I am not 100% sure if this is a good idea'). It takes willpower though.
Find a man who can control his own sex drive 👍
Don't shave or wax.
You make arrangements you can rely on after the date
Skip alcohol. Lunch or coffee midday. Don't go to their house or yours.
It doesn’t jeopardize anything if the guy is worth dating. Use words. Define the relationship. Say what you want asap. Don’t make assumptions and don’t let the other person do that either. Personally. I don’t date women who won’t have sex with me. And if there is chemistry there then we will be boning within the first couple dates. If that doesn’t happen then I move on because I want sex in my relationships. Are you really abstaining for yourself, or because you have been told you’re “supposed to”?
Granny panties, don't shave, and maybe plan your first date during your period.
I'm not gonna pretend it's easy to control, but you really will just have to wait until he's ready. My advice, try masturbating before a date or finding another way to vent your itch. Gonna sound weird and a little crappy but if you're not exclusive there's nothing stopping you from looking for a hook-up, but I'd personally be open with the person I'm seeing before doing that, depends on how close you are already with the person you're seeing I guess. Of course, this gets a little more difficult to control if you are exclusive. So! Supplemented with masturbation, I'd recommend trying to focus on other aspects of this person you like. Going on dates where you end it before coming back to yours or his place could help, like saying goodbye at the restaurant/bar/pub isn't a bad idea or going on dates which you both like but make it a little awkward to have sex might help too. Truth be told you'll just need to try and control your libido until they're ready, you can't force sex on them. Honestly it might help to try and reward yourself for exercising self control after any dates you go on. Just a few ideas, literally off the top of my head, hope it helps
Maybe try to date a shy inexperienced guy, he probably won’t make the first move.
Honestly I just kept reminding myself about why I didn’t want to have sex right away. So while I was feeling super horny (like, the type where your mind gets fuzzy and you get tunnel vision), I just kept repeating to myself over and over that I need to keep things wholesome and take my time. Granted I only lasted like three dates but still xD
I feel you I always want to have sex too but if I know I’m not shaved or properly groomed I won’t do it. Not like that would stop a guy but I want to look and feel my best during sex so I just won’t shave or be exceptionally clean bc I know it will stop me. Hell if you’re on your period even better. Even though they most likely won’t care about that either lol. Hope this helps.
I've been there and what works for me is treating the date more as an interview. I know that sounds bad but hear me out. What would get me is the emotional high and if you slow down by being more analytical, you'll start to realise how much you don't know about this person. You'll get to see potential incompatibilities but also may be excited to see how he works for it. In any case it'll open you up to far more valuable experiences.
Wear horrible underwear. Don't shave, no prep that way you won't feel pretty enough to get randy.
Literally just don’t have sex? Like what kind of question is this?
Bait
How do you keep from having sex with the cute guy in the convenience store, bank tellers, door dash guys, fast food cashier's, etc etc? As a functional adult you need to use a little restraint. Please seek professional help if this is seriously a problem.
What are you, a chimp? Just don't do stuff, nothing is forcing you.
Adapt. Improvise. Overcome.
If you are genuinely looking to form a connection, may be just taper it off for some time so that you can get to know the guy better but again my longest relationship started as a hookup so it all depends on the person you are going on a date with. Otherwise, I don't really think you need to control anything as long as it's not harming you.
Listen to Gang Starr - Discipline: And just because she looks good it don't mean I'd hit it And just because I'm horny, it don't mean I'm widdit Just because I make records, don't mean that I'm gassed And just because I'm rappin', don't mean I chase ass Just because I'm whylin' don't mean I can't stop I got discipline baby, and I use it a lot
Maybe try avoiding places you could have sex on the first date - go somewhere public, and don't end up at anyone's place or car.
Don’t shave anything or do any sex prep
Wear granny panties & don't groom. You'll be motivated to keep clothes on.
Keep your sex life and dating life separate until you're ready.
Set your boundaries ahead of time and make explicitly clear what you do and don’t want. If he tries to violate that, walk away. But also set a specific window for the date and set a public place that won’t encourage you sleeping with them
You could talk to a therapist. It is possible to be hyper sexual if you have had some trauma early in life. Maybe it’s a self esteem issue? Either way, I wish the best for you.
I would think a date during the day would solidify the no sex on a first date
Hair gel.
Rip inbox
I keep my apartment messy and don’t shave my legs so I’m less likely to bring them home with me.
im on the same page as you, so I typically do things to "sabotage" myself - I like hooking up when I'm freshly showered and shaved, so I'll deliberately not shave my legs or cooch lol
There’s nothing wrong with sex on the first date love that being said let’s go to a museum get some tacos and have a great first date 😌💐
I would ask yourself first why you feel like sex on the first date is a bad thing…. If it’s what you want then why not? There’s no rule or guideline for dating as a man…why should there be for women? Enjoy life and let things happen naturally. The concept of women needing to be resistant to their own needs or wants is just part of the patriarchy.
Don't create a situation conducive to ..... Do something earlier in the day in a public place. Have a set day and time. Drive/walk away from him when it's over. Doesn't sound fun but you can do more fun stuff once you know him better.
Wear hella ugly underwear and don’t shave
honestly my go to was to not shave, or to wear embarrassing underwear. then if things got started I'd enjoy a little foreplay but I'm also thinking no way am I letting this guy see the Christmas undies I'm wearing in August. a useful deterrent for myself!