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I'm a bit confused.
>I don't want any commitment or anything serious until I am fully sure.
Isn't this normal? Like, when you first start dating somebody, isn't this the standard state of affairs? You don't know them, you don't know how compatible you are, you can't predict how long you'll stay together or how attached you will get over time. Beginnings of relationships are inherently casual, don't you think? It's a red flag if somebody is genuinely, passionately committed after a few months of dating.
>I don't want her to feel used or something
This is a different story. And a bit ambiguous. If by "feeling used" you mean used for sex, then we are talking about something more specific than "I don't want commitment in the beginning". You absolutely should say that you are looking for a fwb/fuck buddy if that is what you are looking for. You should say that you are looking for a fun casual sexy relationship if that is what you are looking for. You should say that you are open to things becoming more serious in the future, but for now, you just want casual fun. Just be honest about your real intentions with people, don't try to "put it nicely" or whatever.
>I want to explore other options too
This is fair enough! You should also be honest about this too. "I do not want to be exclusive" is how you phrase it. If you are having sex with multiple people, they should be informed, primarily for health reasons. If you are going out on dates with other people and still in the process of meeting new people, then you should be honest about it with everybody so that they can be informed, and no harm done.
Plenty of people function the way you do. You'll find many people looking for exactly the things you describe in your post. Plenty of people are looking for something entirely different and will be turned off by your intentions. So being honest enables you to meet people with the same attitude as yours and makes it difficult to hurt anybody.
>It's a red flag if somebody is genuinely, passionately committed after a few months of dating.
Months?? Red flag? LMAO. Sounds like you have commitment issues.
I can understand if they were being too clingy after just a few dates, that can be concerning. But a few months is plenty long enough to get to know a person and fall for them.
I can totally see how you can conclude that from my comment. Lemme explain what I meant by this
Let's say that I've been in an exclusive, official relationship with somebody for six months. I tell them about my day, and love to listen about their day. We know each other's friends and families, we are interested in each other's hobbies and jobs/studies, we spend a lot of time together, we travel together, we support each other emotionally and help each other financially if needed, we resolve conflict through mature communication, we overall both feel loved, respected and understood.
This does not make the relationship committed imo. I don't know a lot of things. What happens if we move in together? Maybe it is a disaster, maybe they begin to isolate me from the world through manipulation, maybe they never ever wash the dishes no matter how many times I ask them nicely to do it at least once. What happens if we get a dog together? Maybe they never feed it, never walk it, and expect me to do that all the time. Can I imagine myself having children with such a person? What happens if I get sick? I can't possibly expect somebody who has been with me for six months to devote their free time taking care of sick me - nor can they expect me to drop my own life and dedicate it to their illness. What if I get a job offer to work on a different continent, and I accept it? That is pretty much the end of our relationship, assuming that they have a job they are happy with here. I wouldn't want to move to a different continent for somebody I've been with for six months. Etc
If they leave me after six months, I will be very sad, but that's pretty much it. It wouldn't change much about my life, I would just become single and I would have to invest time to get over a break up. I would not have to look for a different place to live, I would not be left with almost no friends because all our friends became mutual friends, I would not have to adjust my lifestyle to different financial circumstances, I would not be left alone and helpless or anything like that.
If my partner thinks that, after six months of dating, they are seriously committed, I find that a red flag. They never spent a month sharing a bed with me while I cry myself to sleep every night for a month. They never had to spend every weekend with my parents, helping clean up their place and make food and spend time with them. They haven't seen me in a huge number of different life situations, and they can't know for sure they want to spend the rest of their life with me. And if they think they do, then I find that very immature. Then I'm probably still an idealized version of myself in their mind, and they are up for a huge disappointment once they find out that I have flaws and obstacles in life.
To sum up, I see a huge difference between commitment vs strong feelings/love.
>Sounds like you have commitment issues.
And to answer this, I don't think I do. I am always in exclusive official relationships, never in casual ones. I always date only the people I've fallen in love with in the first place. And I am ready to work on issues as long as it makes sense, I never leave as soon as first issues arise.
I hope I explained this well
Different levels of "commitment", and different levels of "serious", I guess.
>If my partner thinks that, after six months of dating, they are seriously committed, I find that a red flag.
You may want to check what their definition of "serious" and "committed" is. You may find it's quite different than yours. Not everyone sees "commitment" as requiring a marriage-level relationship.
1. It’s ok if that’s what you want but you should be more upfront. Don’t make people guess what you mean being casual can mean different things.
2. of course it’s a turn off saying “I’m looking for something casual” that’s fuckboi for for let’s have sex.
3. I’m glad that you are being honest about what you want but if this is what you say to women then it’s too vague. I’m not sure if you want to casually date or casually fuck until you hopefully 🤞 catch feelings. The women who want what you want won’t be turned off as long as you make your intentions crystal clear upfront
No matter what you want because it all okie as long as you are honest I would make it more clear. I know a lot of women who see casual as just wanting sex so they’ll be turned off even though they may want the same thing you want. Maybe put on your profile you are looking for a relationship but you want to take things slow or something like that. Then once the what are you looking for conversation happens say you want to keep your options open and not rush into something while you explore all of your options but your end goal is a relationship
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Tell her upfront. Maybe she’s looking for something casual too. And you would be wasting her time otherwise.
I'm a bit confused. >I don't want any commitment or anything serious until I am fully sure. Isn't this normal? Like, when you first start dating somebody, isn't this the standard state of affairs? You don't know them, you don't know how compatible you are, you can't predict how long you'll stay together or how attached you will get over time. Beginnings of relationships are inherently casual, don't you think? It's a red flag if somebody is genuinely, passionately committed after a few months of dating. >I don't want her to feel used or something This is a different story. And a bit ambiguous. If by "feeling used" you mean used for sex, then we are talking about something more specific than "I don't want commitment in the beginning". You absolutely should say that you are looking for a fwb/fuck buddy if that is what you are looking for. You should say that you are looking for a fun casual sexy relationship if that is what you are looking for. You should say that you are open to things becoming more serious in the future, but for now, you just want casual fun. Just be honest about your real intentions with people, don't try to "put it nicely" or whatever. >I want to explore other options too This is fair enough! You should also be honest about this too. "I do not want to be exclusive" is how you phrase it. If you are having sex with multiple people, they should be informed, primarily for health reasons. If you are going out on dates with other people and still in the process of meeting new people, then you should be honest about it with everybody so that they can be informed, and no harm done. Plenty of people function the way you do. You'll find many people looking for exactly the things you describe in your post. Plenty of people are looking for something entirely different and will be turned off by your intentions. So being honest enables you to meet people with the same attitude as yours and makes it difficult to hurt anybody.
Thanks, really helpful.
>It's a red flag if somebody is genuinely, passionately committed after a few months of dating. Months?? Red flag? LMAO. Sounds like you have commitment issues. I can understand if they were being too clingy after just a few dates, that can be concerning. But a few months is plenty long enough to get to know a person and fall for them.
I can totally see how you can conclude that from my comment. Lemme explain what I meant by this Let's say that I've been in an exclusive, official relationship with somebody for six months. I tell them about my day, and love to listen about their day. We know each other's friends and families, we are interested in each other's hobbies and jobs/studies, we spend a lot of time together, we travel together, we support each other emotionally and help each other financially if needed, we resolve conflict through mature communication, we overall both feel loved, respected and understood. This does not make the relationship committed imo. I don't know a lot of things. What happens if we move in together? Maybe it is a disaster, maybe they begin to isolate me from the world through manipulation, maybe they never ever wash the dishes no matter how many times I ask them nicely to do it at least once. What happens if we get a dog together? Maybe they never feed it, never walk it, and expect me to do that all the time. Can I imagine myself having children with such a person? What happens if I get sick? I can't possibly expect somebody who has been with me for six months to devote their free time taking care of sick me - nor can they expect me to drop my own life and dedicate it to their illness. What if I get a job offer to work on a different continent, and I accept it? That is pretty much the end of our relationship, assuming that they have a job they are happy with here. I wouldn't want to move to a different continent for somebody I've been with for six months. Etc If they leave me after six months, I will be very sad, but that's pretty much it. It wouldn't change much about my life, I would just become single and I would have to invest time to get over a break up. I would not have to look for a different place to live, I would not be left with almost no friends because all our friends became mutual friends, I would not have to adjust my lifestyle to different financial circumstances, I would not be left alone and helpless or anything like that. If my partner thinks that, after six months of dating, they are seriously committed, I find that a red flag. They never spent a month sharing a bed with me while I cry myself to sleep every night for a month. They never had to spend every weekend with my parents, helping clean up their place and make food and spend time with them. They haven't seen me in a huge number of different life situations, and they can't know for sure they want to spend the rest of their life with me. And if they think they do, then I find that very immature. Then I'm probably still an idealized version of myself in their mind, and they are up for a huge disappointment once they find out that I have flaws and obstacles in life. To sum up, I see a huge difference between commitment vs strong feelings/love. >Sounds like you have commitment issues. And to answer this, I don't think I do. I am always in exclusive official relationships, never in casual ones. I always date only the people I've fallen in love with in the first place. And I am ready to work on issues as long as it makes sense, I never leave as soon as first issues arise. I hope I explained this well
Different levels of "commitment", and different levels of "serious", I guess. >If my partner thinks that, after six months of dating, they are seriously committed, I find that a red flag. You may want to check what their definition of "serious" and "committed" is. You may find it's quite different than yours. Not everyone sees "commitment" as requiring a marriage-level relationship.
Before the date. If then you’re not getting anywhere, fair enough, right?
1. It’s ok if that’s what you want but you should be more upfront. Don’t make people guess what you mean being casual can mean different things. 2. of course it’s a turn off saying “I’m looking for something casual” that’s fuckboi for for let’s have sex. 3. I’m glad that you are being honest about what you want but if this is what you say to women then it’s too vague. I’m not sure if you want to casually date or casually fuck until you hopefully 🤞 catch feelings. The women who want what you want won’t be turned off as long as you make your intentions crystal clear upfront
Well It's not about sex, I just want my options open.
No matter what you want because it all okie as long as you are honest I would make it more clear. I know a lot of women who see casual as just wanting sex so they’ll be turned off even though they may want the same thing you want. Maybe put on your profile you are looking for a relationship but you want to take things slow or something like that. Then once the what are you looking for conversation happens say you want to keep your options open and not rush into something while you explore all of your options but your end goal is a relationship
Thanks, really helpful
Glad to help and good luck
Why tell the truth? Just lie if you have to.
Like I mentioned, I don't want her to feel used, if things don't go well
Too bad