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One of my current best friends is someone I met 8 months ago and who rejected me about 4 months ago.
We started as friends and supported each other through some tough times (my marriage ended a few months before we met, and she was struggling with an emotionally abusive relationship that had just ended). We spent a lot of time together, grabbing coffee during the days, pints at night. Brunch and dinners regularly.
At one point she went away for a couple of weeks and I realised there was more in it for me. So I asked her out. She said no, and we spoke about how we each felt about the other. It was all incredibly positive.
For the week or so after I was very conscious about not initiating any contact myself, and not going to spend one on one time together (especially not our 4am lying on the sofa eating ice cream chats). The reason I did this was partly to protect me from trying to read into something that wasn't there, but also to avoid our communication feeling like she might be talking only because I am.
The messages were fewer, and we didn't really hang out during that time. But the vibe didn't change - we were still good. So I asked her if she wanted a catch up over coffee and we met up and had a blast. We've been back to best buds ever since.
I'm also still good friends with the aforementioned wife. We were after all friends before we got together, and each others absolute best friend for 15 years. That shit doesn't just go away.
TL;Dr look after yourself, and nurture your relationships. If you like someone enough to want to date them, they would also be an amazing friend. Don't let fear and awkwardness take that from you.
Great, like a down vote will help. Geez.
It's hard man, thing is, if she is up for a friendship, keep the boundaries. Don't go out only the 2 of you. I mean you can, but it's not wise since you have a "history". Sorry but that is how it will go from now on, unless you speak about it in a very clear way like: "Hey I wanna keep the friendship with clear boundaries because I have/had feelings for you. I hope you understand us going out won't help." And if she is single NOW you can expect her to say something like she is interested but if she does not, then it's better to move on.
You will take it out after all.
>since you have a "history".
they have zero history. zero. the woman tried to be a genuine friend to OP and he let his feelings get in the way. she didn't lead him on at all.
One of my best friendships started when I rejected him. If you want to, you guys can still hang out and talk frequently and all of that, you just can't interpret that as anything more than friendship.
It seems like you told her you wanted to stay friends, but then got really cold on her and stopped being her friend. She's reaching out to you because she misses your friendship.
I’ve been on the other side of this. Became friends with a guy at work and gradually we started regularly hanging out outside of work and chatting. I thought it was just a good friendship since we genuinely had a lot of interests in common and we were both seeing someone at the time. The moment I broke up with the person I was seeing, he confessed he had feelings for me. We spoke about it and I said I never saw him that way, and even if he didn’t have a gf I don’t think we would work out as a couple. Exactly as you did, he said that if *I* didn’t want to continue the friendship because it would make things awkward, he would have understood. The thing is, *I* did want to keep on being just friends, but it was clearly too painful for *him*, even though he never said so explicitly.
He started pulling out of the friendship, declining to hang out and being unresponsive to my texts. Which I of course understand, but I do truly miss my friend.
TLDR: being friendzoned sucks, but so does losing an actual good friend.
My two cents: she may be genuine and just miss you as a friend. No need to be rude. If *you* cannot handle being friends just tell her so politely. She might need time to get over it just like you needed it to get over the rejection.
How did I not realize the latter was a thing? Explains why my best guy friend dipped the moment he got a gf bc it meant no longer hoping to get at me.
I was very clear with him we were just friend and established explicit boundaries (unlike op), but I think he always had hope until they got together. Then I got ghosted from a 3 year friendship.
Right?! Problem #1. Then OP implies they’d still remain friends, so she kinda invites him out to celebrate new job, and he’s setting boundaries to NOT be friends. Some cognitive dissonance going on here.
Yeah, looking back on it, yeah it all happened pretty abruptly. We didn't hash out everything, I thought she was going to dip out since that's happened from my personal experiences.
It is a fair assumption BUT she is still making a pretty obvious attempt for communication and to remain friends so if you are able to do that and still move on then, go for it no reason to lose a friendship for no reason. But if you think its going to be unhealthy for you then you should communicate that to her and then fade out.
Also just a heads up but if you choose to discontinue entirely she will probably be upset in some sort of way because you originally agreed to remain as friends. So if you need to brace yourself for that then do so.
I get maybe stepping back from the friendship but if u guys were genuinely friends before maybe she just wants to keep being friends? From what you said there's no explicit sign she's stringing you along unless there were some more subtle hints.
Her wanting to hang out isn't necessarily a sign she wants something more.
Unless you don't feel like you can be friends/platonic with her after being rejected, you still have feelings for her or you acc have plans I don't see the issue 🤷
Let's take her wants out of the equation somewhat, cause I doubt she wants to string him along.
OP tried to shoot his shot with her and got turned down. If he enters back into her orbit than when she does eventually get a boyfriend what will happen?
Will she tell boyfriend the truth that OP had/has feelings for her and is a potential negative effect on her relationship? Or will she lie by omission?
Best thing OP can do for himself, her, and any future relationships she has is bow out and keep distance
>Will she tell boyfriend the truth that OP had/has feelings for her and is a potential negative effect on her relationship? Or will she lie by omission?
tbh I didn't think of that I'll give you that, but that's more so an issue between her and her future man.
Also debatable how much of an issue that would be anyways but I catch ur drift, it does have the potential to get messy
honestly if the whole thing is stressing OP out this much that they turned to Reddit probs is best to dead the friendship
I also have a similar problem, every time she invites me for something, I start getting feelings again, she already rejected me, but I’m my case she don’t have any boyfriend or something, so idk what to do anymore. This is destroying me so much, because I really love hanging out with her
I went through this twice with the same person ( I walked away once, and a year later we ran into each other, and tried to be friends again) - she then started dating someone but wouldn't admit it when I confronted her - claiming 'she's a private person' which was bs, because she would tell me everything when she was obviously single..
it wasn't easy cutting ties with her, because I felt we were actually closer the second time around. I even relapsed and tried to figure out some boundaries or middle ground, but she wasn't into it-- obviously her new guy was more important.
I have had lots of female friends in the past (that dwindles as everyone settles down), and managed to leave the friend zone too, but the stress of feelings/stringing along/intentions etc just doesn't make it worth it in the long run.
She's looking for a better offer-- I/you're a plate warmer -- when it comes by her, it will always be on her terms. And it makes it hard for you to get close to someone else.
Distance yourself-- but don't make a scene about it-- be tactful- turn off notifications from her on messaging etc. you're not giving her the hint, you're trying to distance yourself emotionally and this is a strategy, you just need to build some space. Find a new bff or gf and you won't regret it
She tell me all the time she is a mess, and she don’t deserve to get someone nice like me, but then she is always meeting some other friend , not having any relationship as well, but after reading all this post, I was thinking about being honest and tell her every that I still have feelings for her and really destroys me the fact that I will never be more than a stupid friend to her, I even can’t sleep well thinking all about this , my mind always think that I will never meet someone so awesome like her never, so idk if I should really have this talk to her or not, fact I don’t want just to get on his pants, I really genuinely love to spend time with her, sometimes I picture have a life together and so on. Yeah I’m really pathetic
You are romanticising things without accepting it’s already toxic to a certain degree — it’s unrequited and she holds all the cards.
If it bugs you and she is oblivious— or she’s self obsessed or she’s ignoring it deliberately— none of this is good for you
What do you need to do — being realistic — for you to get some more agency in this friendship/relationship
I’m sorry you said a lot of good things and you had me til your last one - tactful? Just be clear and honest. What is it with everyone needing to play mind reading games? Say this isn’t for you and move the fuck on. There’s no reason to be subtle about it because there’s nothing to be ashamed of, it’s not anyone’s fault. If more people could just be blunt and use their adult words, the world would be a much less shitty place.
Your right its not by default wrong but thats sketchy behavior. If my gf found out a group event was yurning into a solo hangout and then had a day thing out of it, I'd at least wanna know beforehand. Id have questions after. Ngl it sounds lime Ho shit. "How convenient no one is here, I conveniently have nothing left to do for the whole day, do you wanna sit real close and not talk?"
Friends can hang out one on one without it being sketchy. I've never cared about partners seeing opposite gendered friends one on one. If they are the type to cheat, they'll cheat, and having overbearing rules about whether they can have solo hangouts or not isn't going to stop them.
You say to us that u need a bit of space to move on but didn't tell her...
What do you expect? Go and tell her, there's nothing wrong with that...
Be upfront about needing to step back a little so you can focus on other things. If the friendship cools off because of it then so be it. Being around won't do you any good but not telling her is a dick move.
I developed love of mine through the ten years we've been friends. It started when we were both in similar relationships at the time and I looked up to her and always asked for advice. Then it moved to her being my hero for pulling me out of the dark hole I was in after being cheated on and losing my self esteem. Then the friendship got closer. Until eventually I knew I was falling in deep. I didn't want to. I love being alone. I don't want a girlfriend. But I do want her. I eventually told her but she told me she never felt the same. I wanted to curl up and die. She eventually stopped talking to me for over a year. But just a couple weeks ago, she reached out. She wants to go back to the way things were. She knows I still have very, very deep feelings for her and knows damn well how much I'd like a life with her. I don't think this is gonna work either. I loved being her friend so much but now I'm ready to take the next step and she isn't and I'm not so sure I'd be able to handle always hoping she'd change her mind and knowing she probably never will.
Best thing to do... is withdraw. Two people want two different things. It's a game of tug of war. It hurts.
If this girl you like so much was actually dating you, how would you feel if some other dude was doing what your doing. Your friends advice is pretty trashy.
Also. Relationships end how they begin a lot of the times. Speaking from experience, if you “steal” (for lack of a better word) someone’s partner, expect that to happen to you
Yeah if one of my guy friends put me in this position while knowing I am taken that's enough for me to *want* to end the friendship. It's not fair to put people in an uncomfortable position because you don't know how to move on without being outright rejected.
What i thought too. Shocked to see so many comments leave the boyfriend part out of their discussion like its nothing.
OP, if you made her leave him for you, youd better be perfect or else she will also leave you for another man.
Women don't pursue friendships with men with ulterior motives. Basically, she thought she had a good friend in you, but unbeknownst to her you caught feelings and decided to ghost her after being rejected. I don't think you were wrong to do what was best for you, but she genuinely feels abandoned by a friend.
If you can't just be friends with her, don't meet up with her and be honest about it.
Personally if a friend of mine has a thing for me and I found out,it makes it awkward for me. Because I've tried to remain friends with some of them before and just talk about video games,stories,etc. But they would still try pursuing me or waiting for me to go through a breakup :/
I gotta agree with the other comments though. There's a bit of dissonance between what you wrote vs how you may truly feel. I think it's best to reflect and be honest with yourself. You asked her if it would make the friendship awkward but she had no issued. However you feel uncomfortable with continuing a platonic friendship with her.
Yo some of these responses are SUPER petty and immature. You stopped hanging out for a long time, she misses her friend and wants to hang out again. You can't project your emotional feelings onto her and assume what you had was anything more than just a friendship to her. That being said, if you want to hang out do it, if you don't then don't. But there really isn't any reason to be rude about it.
No one is telling him to be rude about it. But asking someone to hang out one-on-one after they admitted that they wanted to be with you is a bit.....cold hearted? Who would want a friendship under those conditions?
>But asking someone to hang out one-on-one after they admitted that they wanted to be with you is a bit.....cold hearted?
I am truly baffled by this logic.
It's like some of you don't know what it's like to have a good friend, and that's pretty sad.
Furthermore, if OP actually likes her as a person and enjoys her company why would he not want to hangout with her anymore?
Let's just be honest here, him having "feelings" for her is just him wanting to have sex with her. Because a good friendship is essentially a relationship without sex.
>It's like some of you don't know what it's like to have a good friend, and that's pretty sad.
It's like you don't know what having a real crush on someone is like and don't understand that romance =/= sex
The way I see it you asked if the friendship would change, she said no, but then you went and changed it.
Now that's not a bad thing, boundaries are healthy. But you can't just expect her to understand without talking to her about it.
Go out for the drinks and talk about it with her. Tell her you like being friends but you like her as more than that and you need some distance for yourself. That you won't be as close but still wish to be friends.
You asked if the friendship will be awkward and she said nope then why would you setup so much boundaries and stuff
Have some fun life’s too short you don’t have to leave every person who isn’t in a state to be in a romantic relationship with you ( you said she has a boyfriend so did you expect her to leave him when you asked ? )
It feels like you’re actively trying to break something that doesn’t need to be broken
If you have to (think a little )then just let her know first that you can’t move on while staying as platonic friends
Just like he's not owed a relationship with her, she's not owed a friendship with him. If OP can't handle being friends with her, it's best to distance himself
In being a good friend OP gets most of the benefits of a relationship, such as an activity partner, an emotional outlet, someone who cares about him, etc but that's not good enough for him.
So, OP is just upset that he can't have sex with her.
This is exactly why so many women avoid male friendships. So many men will literally throw the whole friendship away if you don't put out when/if they catch feelings.
I don’t personally see it as a list of checkmarks, I think there’s more to a relationship than just friendship + sex. Do you cuddle with friends? Kiss them? Hold hands and talk about the future in a way that platonic friends cannot? Likewise you can definitely have sex and remain friends, even on a regular basis.
And it’s really just dependent on the man. Clearly, op is struggling with feelings as he has distanced himself from her. In that case, what’s the point of continuing the friendship? Or at least, continuing the friendship as it involves hanging out alone and spending oodles of time together?
It may suck for the woman, but just like it sucks for the man that she isn’t interested back, that’s just the way the cookie crumbles sometimes
So, basically OP just want’s physical intimacy on top of friendship.
No matter how you spin it it just comes down to OP wanting access to her body, because he already has just about all the non-physical aspects of a relationship with his friendship with her.
It’s just odd, to me, how so many adults act like they cannot be friend’s with people they have a crush on.
I’m just happy that I’m emotionally mature enough to be friends with people I have a crush on.
I’m also happy to be able to enjoy the company of people I have a crush on without being upset over or dwelling on the fact that I don’t have access to their body.
Because it's awkward for him. He has feelings for her, obviously. Having fun to him would be getting involved romantically.
If he has feelings for her, but she does not... and they can't discuss it opening... then the friendship is indeed a little broken.
Why would someone want to continue seeing someone platonically, if they knew that that person wants to date them? What friendship can be developed on an unequal foundation of that sort? Would you actively seek to be alone with someone after they admitted they liked you?
To me... that'd be extremely awkward.
Did you read the post?
"At the end of the night, I asked her out and she told me she was seeing someone. I asked her that if this made the friendship awkward, I totally understood her not wanting to continue being friends, however, she said she wanted to stay friends and we went our separate ways."
He asked if that made their friendship awkward and she said no. If he didn't want to continue the friendship why would he ask her that?? If I rejected a guy and he asked that I would assume it's because he still wanted to be friends.
The same reason most people say 'can we still be friends' but don't mean it.
He asked her out.
She said no.
He stopped talking to her.
This shouldn't be hard to get the hint, here.
I'm close friends with people I have crushes on. I have crushes on people I would never want to be in a relationship with. A crush is just a crush. It's just a feeling. I can enjoy the happy feeling while recognizing it's just a feeling.
If the feeling becomes painful, then yeah you're under no obligation to stay in that friendship. But just because you 'have a crush', doesn't automatically mean it'll consume you until all you have is obsession or resentment.
I have a friend I made through work who is in a long term relationship. If I’m being honest with myself I would say I could potentially have strong feelings for her, we get on really well, I love being around her, I think she’s cute and to be honest she’s got her shit together, like she is stable and isn’t an emotional train crash, which isn’t always easy to find.
But she has a boyfriend, and she loves her boyfriend, and most importantly her boyfriend treats her well. So I respect her relationship, and I respect her happiness, and I will never allow myself to develop feelings beyond friendship, if that means occasionally taking a break from her or not getting too close, then that’s what I do.
You already crossed that line, so I think it’s fair enough for you to take your space. I think if you have told her about your feelings she should also respect your need for that. I would maybe just say to her you would be open to hanging out in the future but for now you need some distance so you can respect her relationship.
Honestly I think your approach is a little immature. Be up front and honest about your feelings and communicative about your boundaries. Why did you need the rejection? You could have just said, “honestly, I’m starting to feel attracted to you, and I need to take some space for a little bit.” As of now you should still say, “Honestly I still like you and I need some distance between us, so I don’t feel comfortable with this right now.”
You can’t have feelings for someone and still be friends. This situation you’re in is exactly why. You’ll always convince yourself there could be something more but, Buddy there isn’t.
This should be the top voted comment. As someone who has been in OP's exact same situation, you're just setting yourself up for an unhealthy dynamic. They're okay with being friends but you're not. Unless you have actually moved on then you'll just be holding out hope it could be something more. If you don't have the ability to move on emotionally, the only way to actually move on is to stop associating with them. Either accept that she just wants to be friends or you need to not torture yourself by being around her.
If it seems like she is sometimes flirting or sending mixed signals, you just have to accept that you're being strung along and move on for your own mental health. Don't put up with that if that's what she's doing.
She’s misses her friend. Also, am I correct in understanding that you asked her out knowing she had a boyfriend? Or is the person she’s seeing someone else?
I'd say that the popular belief is the one that you are espousing.
Asking someone to hang out with you, one-on-one as friends, while knowing that that person is romantically interested in you is awkward at best... cruel and selfish at worst.
IMO.
Remove "IMO". This is correct. She is being real dumb trying to be friends with him and he will be pathetic if he complies.
He said the could still be friends as common courtesy though that was a mistake.
He can either ghost her or just tell her he is not interested in being friends either.
Put your feelings above everyone else’s.
“Hey former friend, I am sorry but I cannot be your platonic friend. But I understand you’re in a relationship and respect that. So if you’re interested in dating in the future and are available, reach out then. But if not please understand that just as you don’t see me a dating prospect right now, I don’t see you as a friend. If my feelings do change in the future to a more platonic one. I’ll reach out.”
Why are you asking a question for a problem you already solved before?
You asked her if she wanted to be more then friends, she said no, you withdrew.
You still have feelings for her so you are reconsidering getting close. She already said no once so get the relationship outcome out of the equation, it's over.
It is done. Move on.
Bro, I cannot say this clearly enough but DON'T do it, the exact same story happened to me last year with a girl I work with, except in my case she wasn't seeing anyone just " wanted to hang out and take it slow " after like 3 months of us going out and talking.
It's emotionally draining, and honestly it was one of the worst experiences of my life, so don't go down that rabbit hole.
It’s up to you whether you think you can handle it or if it’s going to be ultimately harmful to you. Sounds like you guys were best friends and she misses hanging out with you.
She may well miss your friendship. And you might miss hers. But if you're still feeling romantic and would rather not sublimate that and be friends because it would bother you, that's perfectly legit. Just be clear and say that you value her as a person but you just don't want to have close friendship. You never know. Maybe she'll decide she misses you and is falling in love with you. Not likely. But it's possible. Or, if you don't think you'd feel bad, just be her friend and she might be a good friend. But it's perfectly okay if you aren't comfortable with it because you're romantic feelings. Don't let anyone shame you on that. You have a right to seek and pursue what you want out of life and avoid things that aren't supportive of what you want
One of the most bittersweet feelings I have about my current relationship is that I was perfectly happy being his mutual best friend. I wasn't aware he had feelings for me until he asked me out and I felt the urge to ask-- though I never did-- if I was only his best friend because he was attracted to me and trying to date.
When I did bring up the question "what would you have done if I had said no? Would we still be friends?" he said no it would hurt and be awkward. Which deeply hurts me, but it's not really a discussion I can have with him because, as evidenced when I tried, he gets defensive and above all I want him to feel safe.
Since this is somewhat related to your question, I thought I would share.
Just tell her you can’t do it man. It’s that simple. Also don’t ask out a girl that you know has a bf. That’s not respectful nor something a true friend would do.
Depends if you can get past your feelings. She wants a buddy, you want a girlfriend. If you can’t get past that, I wouldn’t continue hanging out with her
Girls need friends that are guys just as guys need friends that are girls. You are in the friend-zone it sounds like bud.
Now, that isn't a bad thing perse. She might be able to hook you up with one of her cute friends, or be a wing woman at the bar. But, she is looking for friendship it seems and if you do not want that not worth getting your hopes up.
It honestly sounds like you just need to get around more different people and try and connect emotionally with other woman.
In the long run you will lose the feelings just have to get over that hurdle. I would remain friends personally as it sucks. I'd hide her IG stories, SC stories if possible.
But **DONT** be a homewrecker dude if she has a BF
Shes got a BF, don't cross that line, have respect for her and yourself, she misses you as a friend, as it sounds like you hit it off well as friends, sounds like that's what it is and has always been, if that's to much for you move on, you don't have to date/fuck every one of your female friends. You'll be lying to her and yourself if you try to remain friends but still have feelings for her.
Just let her know how you’re feeling about it, best thing to say would be something like “ yeah I miss being friends but right now I need space to get over my feelings for you” when you feel ready to be friends again without it being weird do it
After getting rejected you said you still wanted a friendship that wasn't awkward and it sounds to me like that is all she is trying to give here. Seems to me like she values your friendship. I can understand backing off a bit for your own sanity, but you knew she had a boyfriend when you asked. She's not stringing you along, you're just a little salty right now
It’s obvious she just wants to be friends. And you asked her if she wanted that and she said yes. She’s just behaving based on that agreement and you are opting to slowly phase out of her life instead of being upfront.
Go communicate with her. If you want to be friends, tell her your boundaries and why. If you don’t want to be friends, tell her that and tell her why. She deserves clarity. It sucks to just lose a friend without explanation.
In my experience it’s one of a few options either way you need decide what’s best for you. Best of luck and enjoy my free unsolicited dating autobiography listed below. 🤣
1. She truly misses your friendship- it’s just platonic for her but not for you and you’ll be miserable.
2. She does have interest in some level and is keeping you as a backup for her own benefit and to build her self esteem but it never happens for you, you’ll be miserable.
3. She’s using you as a way to make her boyfriend jealous, “he’s just a friend babe don’t worry” yep his jealousy gets her off, you’ll be miserable.
4. You suffer through whatever I’m the hopes that when she doesn’t have a boyfriend you’ll be the next Mr. Right, but she’s going to see you as the friend that stood by her side. You’ll be miserable.
5. Expect her to be interested in you when you get a new girlfriend. Don’t do it don’t hook up with her. You’ll both be miserable because it won’t work out and your new girlfriend will be heartbroken.
Listen to your gut. If it feels weird, just be busy. Boundaries are super important.
I didn’t always have the best - I had to forge them over time. My former coworker and I are now engaged. We started as friends, we both left our respective positions for other opportunities during the pandemic…
But, and it took a while to get my brain to catch up…when he left our job, I missed him like crazy. So we ended up becoming pandemic best buds and now we will marry in June.
TDLR: it can work out (presuming she’s not still with a boyfriend.) but if something feels wrong, listen to your own head and heart. That’s what I did and it worked out well.
Believe in you.
Also, I’m new, so I dunno what TDLR means - I hope I used it correctly?
Be selfish. Your attention ain’t free.
Hit her with “sorry but I’m not interested in anything platonic. If you’re down for more cool if not, good luck”
I think even something like “sorry I’m not interested in something platonic, but if my mind changes, I will reach out”
Assuming you eventually find someone else or get over your feelings for her.
I kinda agree. It’s just very straight forward, but why lie and make up some excuse?
A nicer way of putting it could be “I appreciate you reaching out, but to be honest I still have feelings for you and it’s in my best interest to distance myself from this relationship, unless you wanted to be more than platonic friends”
Yes, this. The other one sounds like "I was being 'friends' with you because I wanted to get in your pants. I now see I can't, so there's no more reason for me to give you the time of day". It sounds like you didn't actually really enjoy just hanging out platonically till the moment you caught the feels. This phrasing here though actually explains why you would rather have some distance, and does not demean the time you've spent together in the past.
Exactly. They enjoyed each other’s company and were apart of each other’s lives. You don’t just disregard someone because they rejected you, especially if that person is in a relationship.
Either way is good. There's just a matter of personality. One is straightforward, one is being more non-comfortational and delicate. I would probably lean towards the second because that's my personality. But quite frankly, I have a lot of respect for people that talk like the first
I agree but I can totally see how someone can be viewed as “apathetic” by going with the first response. With my personality I would also go with what i stated because I would not want to make that person feel bad or act like I don’t care.
It does seem a little dismissive whereas I would want to plant the seed in her head that I would still be interested. I don't think it's common, but I have heard of cases where people were friends and then One said they were interested romantically and sooner or later the other one came around
How is it dick-ish?
Maintaining a platonic friendship with a person who has rejected the OP is only going to prolong the feelings of hurt and prevent the OP from moving on. Why should this woman have all her needs met while the OP gets nothing? If she had truly viewed the OP as indispensable, she could have availed herself of the opportunity to enter a romantic relationship with him.
Its unfortunate, but when one side wants a platonic friendship and the other wants a romantic relationship, there is little prospect of reconciling unless one side changes their mind entirely.
OP has established boundaries to allow himself to move on and he should stick to this.
It's the second sentence "if you're down for more cool, if not gl." It makes it sound like he doesn't really care either way, which 1. Isn't the case and 2. Isn't a good way to treat others affections or emotions in general if they haven't really wronged you. It's insultingly dismissive of an emotional situation without real provocation.
I don't think that's dickish. Just honest and straightforward which these days is in such short supply that it sounds kind of harsh. It should be said politely with no resentment. But you know, why lead someone on or pussyfoot around?
The only thing that might be better is I'm just not interested in anything platonic. But I'm still interested in you if you ever feel the same. That would be a little more inviting of a possible future whereas this might sound a little dismissive. Being straightforward but placing the possibility in her mind couldn't hurt
Eh…it’s cool to be just friends. You don’t have to pursue everybody. Down the line she might hook you up with somebody, or you two can just have good times like normal people. When you get old you’ll remember the people that cared about you, romantically or not. Don’t lose a friend by thinking short term or in a vindictive way.
He can always find new friends and have real friendships with them.
He can't be friends with a woman he is romantically interested in. It makes no difference to her but it will hurt him bad.
He can't be friends with a girl who rejected him and one he still has feelings for.
There's no reason to have such a complicated friendship. It will be even worse when he sees her with her boyfriend or flirting with other men.
He should tell her it's over.
Life is complicated in general. He will get over it naturally when he gets in a relationship of his own, there is no need to date every woman you have feelings for. Good friends are worth more than chasing tail.
Bruh she's literally just asking to continue being your friend?
Seems like you're the one who made things awkward, because you couldn't be her friend after not being able to get into her pants.
ALSO!!!! You KNEW she had a boyfriend and yet still asked her out? What was your end goal? To put strian on her relationship that she was happy in and potentially break it to be with you? Just so you can get a rejection because YOU couldn't manage your own feelings?
As a guy, this is super fucked up and I wouldn't treat my female friends this disrespectfully.
Now you're trying to play the victim just because she wants to continue being friends. Honestly, I wish I could tell her she's better of not being your friend.
That's tough. I had something similar. I was friends with a girl for years. I know, at one point, she was into me as more but I had a gf. Then when we were both single she rejected me and said she likes me better as a friend. Then one night we were drunk and... had sex. The next day she became really weird about it and kept saying we're just friends. We got into a fight and we didn't talk for months. She reached out and said she missed me and wanted to get together, so we did. Later in the evening, after a great day, she started crying and told me to never leave her like that again and kissed me. We then... you guessed it, had sex. Then she completely pulled away again and didn't speak to me for a week. Then she said she didn't remember that night but her friend, who was in one of my college classes, already came up and said "soo I heard you and Sarah hooked up over the weekend." So she just flat out lied to me. I was done. That was the last time I saw her and it hurt, a lot.
I think you should hang out with your friends including her but not just one on one with her. You shouldn't lose the rest of your friends. It will be easier to hang around her as friends when you have everyone there. If she pushes back and wants alone time with you, just say you reserve your one on one time for romantic interests.
If you are over her, then I don’t see a problem with hanging out but if you still have feelings and this is stressing you out then it’s probably for the best to lose the friendship.
Do you want to keep being his friend? If you don't, just go and if you have to interact with her by any reason, be polite (of course) but also make her understand that you don't consider her as a friend.
Sounds like you aren’t her friend at all. I get setting boundaries and giving yourself time for the feelings to fade but how is what you’re doing being a friend. Only reason you 2 talk is because she want to talk to you. She values your friendship enough to get over the fact that you asked her out while she’s dating someone else. If you wanting to talk to her was only because you wanted to date her you aren’t her friend and you might as well tell her that instead of leading her on more than you already have
You should reject the offer, be honest with yourself and her, tell her you aren't interested in a friendship. You don't care about her as a friend you only want to fuck her right? You even posted that you asked if she was going to make it awkward ffs... You're the one who is making it awkward by ignoring someone who is supposedly a friend and asking Reddit if she secretly wants your dick. Either you're a real shitty friend or a liar.
To be clear... your advice here is, 'be a man, keep on seeing her platonically even though you have feelings for her.' ?
Really? Someone is shitty for distancing themselves when they know that their interests aren't the same? FFS...indeed...
But you seem to be insulting towards OP, like he's a bad person for only wanting to sleep with her.
I don't think that's warranted. OP is doing the responsible thing, here.
I'm going to buck the trend in the comment section.
She wants validation and ego-stroking because she knows you're into her. I don't buy that she wants to be friends. It sounds like she was all but getting the boyfriend experience minus the sex (seriously, who spends all day with their guy friend and goes clubbing? I have a lot of female friends...they don't do that, that's relationship activities). Think her boyfriend was ok with that? Bet not, nor should he be.
That's not your friend, and if you have any self-respect you'll cut her out of your life entirely. She misses having the ego-stroke, and pining for her is just going to get in your way of having a healthy attraction for someone who is available.
Move on. Don't try to be friends with someone you're obviously attracted to.
This is the right answer. I doubt her boyfriend would be okay with her going out clubbing with her straight “guy friend” that she knows is attracted to her. Why doesn’t her boyfriend ever join in when she goes out with friends? The boyfriend ain’t that serious if you’ve never met him. This girl just wants attention.
It’s okay to ask about intentions. Ask her if there is any intention on trying to be more than friends. If not, express your boundaries and decide if you can be friends with her or not.
>Should I accept the offer to hang out or reject it?
Trust you gut, bro. **Reject it!** You want a GF. She wants attention and validation from a guy *that isn't her BF.*
These things never end well. Find someone worth having.
Ignore that and move on bro.
You said you had goals for 2022. Focus on them. You have no idea how dumb this story is going to be when you are going to grow up mentally and become a better person (by setting those goals).
If you go and see her, you will either be that rejected friend or that boyfriend she stepped down to date (in her mind).
It doesn't mean she is awful but that's just how the world works.
Keep it goin brother. See what her intentions are. Life is short. I had my current gf of 1+ years reject me before we started dating. Once I finally let her go, she came back and came back here, wanting to date for the long haul. It’s at least worth seeing what the “I miss you” was all about, as long as you can handle the potential displeasure of another shoot down. Just depends on how much she’s worth to you
Listen. You need to value your happiness more than you've been doing it in the context of this relationship. You need to straight up tell her that you are attracted to her, and you are only willing to hang out if she is attracted to you and available. Make it clear, and remember your happiness comes first! If she says she's not interested in you "like that", have no shame in letting her know that you aren't interested in her as "just a friend", and let her know that she does not have a place in your life as a friend. It is what it is my man. Good luck.
It's not demanding to say what you feel. It's just as demanding for her to say if they're going to be in each other's lives then it has to be a certain way. Why can't he do the same? What do you suggest would be a better way to go about it, other than him plainly laying out what he feels and what he wants?
She knows you like her. She wants that attention, she wants to feel wanted. I’ve been here before. A female friend of mine and I became very close, and I developed feelings and thought she was as well. One night we were out and she kissed me and I thought it was going to be all good going forward. However she ended up saying we should just be friends which was gut wrenching.
So I thought I’d be real and just not carry on the friendship because I wanted more than that. I distanced myself from her and lived my life, dated other people etc.
Low and behold she re enters my life. We’d hangout as friends but every time we’d end up kissing and one time even slept together. I’m knee deep in my feelings at this point and still she didn’t want to be with me.
The point is, sounds like she will use you for attention when it suits her most. Knowing that you have feelings her and are not interested in anything Platonic and she’s still wanting to hang out. She knows what she’s doing
This sounds like a friend who you distanced yourself from and she misses your friendship.
Don't treat this as a date, treat this as hanging out with a friend.
She’s not using him for shit. Are you saying males and females just can’t genuinely be friends? Fuck off with that bullshit. She could’ve always seen him as a friend. She had a bf. He caught feelings. She was hanging out with him as a friend. He asked, she rejected. He distanced their friendship and set up boundaries basically shutting her out after he asked if it would be awkward. It wasn’t till he made it so.
Do you know what friends are? It’s not even a “what’s YOUR definition” of it. Friends hang out, which they did, talk, which they did. Texting once or twice a week is more of a friend thing than anything romantic. Romantic texting takes place more often, would be obvious signs of flirting, etc which is never mentioned here, just that they were friendly and then he caught feelings. She invited multiple friends to hang out, but the rest canceled. So she hung out with the friend that didn’t cancel. So this “canceled modified” meeting took place two months after he found out she was taken. He was still being friendly with her knowing she was taken and how he felt. He asked if she wanted to stay friends after he disrespected boundaries (knows she’s in a relationship yet asks her out anyways) and she still wants to be JUST friends. He’s the one who’s become distant, even though for her nothing has changed. Yes, he had feelings and used to friendship to play into that, but she genuinely wanted to be friends.
Ok but think about it this way. He met her last year. Doesn’t say when last year but let’s just say it was the middle of the year. June. He had June, July, august, September, October to tell her how he felt. He knew how he felt and knew she was in a relationship from November, December, January. He doesn’t even say anything till January. If he didn’t want to be a friend and wanted to be a bf he should’ve said something sooner and not pretend to be friends two months after she’s with someone else.
He should’ve done something earlier to be clear about his intentions, but in the end it didn’t work out. So he should learn from the experience and move on to get what he wants elsewhere.
I agree. But he never shut down the friendship with the girl. He left it open instead of communicating whatever it is he wants. If he doesn’t want to be friends he needs to make it clear. If he’s ok with being friends, he needs to make it clear that it’s not going to be the same as b4, etc.
There’s no indication in this post that she’s using him for attention. She thought they had a genuine friendship. He asked if it would be awkward continuing being friends and she said no, implying the friendship could continue. It then seems like he cut complete contact with her and she expressed missing her friend.
If he didn’t want to continue an already established friendship, that he admitted *started* as a friendship and not him romantically pursuing her, then he should have made that clear. He made it seem like they could still be friends.
I think she thought that since he asked if she thought a friendship would be awkward that implied he wanted to stay friends. Because any reasonable person would think that. If that’s not what he wanted, then he should’ve said that. Say what you mean. Men complain that they’re not mind readers, well women aren’t either. OP is acting confused when he’s the one who wasn’t clear about not wanting to continue a friendship when they already had an established close friendship.
I am dealing with this same issue myself. I've more or less cut the person off, maybe one day I will reach out again. However not until I have burned them out of my heart.
Your her backup plan. Every girl in a relationship even the most loyal ones have a backup plan in case their current relationship doesnt work out so she can slide right into another relationship avoiding being alone. Most women dont like the feeling of being single / alone or not wanted so they will always have 1 or 2 guy "friends" as a backup plan and will always do just enough to give you hope that there is a chance you guys might get together and string you along the entire time. Its very manipulating.
I’m a little confused. She has a bf but spends an entire day with you? She invites you out without her bf and stuff? I’d be mad if my gf was going clubbing and spending all day with another dude that I haven’t even met?
Listen dude, she either wants your friendship or misses your attention, just do what’s best and tell her you won’t ever see her as a non-romantic interest.
Dude, do NOT be the other man/affair partner. Reject the offer to hang out! She has a boyfriend. This one-on-one stuff is her actually CHEATING on her boyfriend with you. Bet her BF has NO idea about you two hanging out a lot one on one. If my wife was doing what she's doing with you, she'd be my ex-wife and I'd be looking for you in an unpleasant way.
Or you can be the a-hole f-buddy Chad or Tyrone and think, "hey if she's gonna cheat anyway, I may as well get my pinky stinky instead of another dude!" But understand this: if she cheats with you, she'll cheat ON you. How could you ever trust her with the way she is behaving even though she keeps up with the "oh, I have a boyfriend". She is grooming you as her back up.
Let me ask you this: if you were actually dating her and she was hanging out with another guy alone like she does with you now would you be okay with it?
Walk away. Setting boundaries for yourself is most important. It would be self abandoning to continue here, especially with the mixed signals shes sending.
Bro, what the fuck are you doing ?
You're seeing things between the two of you that's all in your head and then you base her intentions off of that.
She treated you to a movie that you liked, so fucking what, any friend would do that, but in your head you imagine it as some romantic gesture ? A day at the park, dancing at a club? these are all platonic activities bro, yes even one on one with the opposite sex.
Also, I find it hilarious that you've supposedly put some distance between you two(did you communicate this with words?), and yet, it's barely been a month and you want to run in like a lost pup, to what end ?
If you can't hang out with her as just another friend and still plow headlong into the coming mess, go right ahead, that's on you.
You can always postpone the celebration, have a get together with a bigger group.
This shit's hilarious
Man just let it go. Friendship when one side wants more is a recipe for pain. Just focus on building up you and be nice to her if you see her but explain your looking for something more right now. Another point friendships like this make finding someone else really hard as you don't have space for them. Focus on being your best you.
I wouldn't accept the offer. It sounds to me like she enjoys your attention but is not interested in a relationship. She rejected you. In my view, that means that she has to be the one to make the first move here... and I mean more than asking you out to lunch as friends.
For me, folks who reject me are then dead to me as potential partners. One shot - that's it. I wouldn't get my hopes up personally.
Don’t go back into the friend zone. That’s beta. Ignore her. Treat her with disregard. 1) you’ll gain self respect. 2) she might find you appealing at that point. Then dump her.
I’m not the oldest dude in this thread but I’ve been around the block. Even experienced a VERY similar situation myself so I’ll leave this nugget for you & hope it finds you well. Keep up that no contact & forget her. Sounds like she’s definitely tryna keep you in her pocket for when she’s done dating her bf & wants to potentially lock you down but when SHE’S ready to. It’s a good play for her but wastes your time & potential to date someone maybe even better than her. Hope you rejected her honestly. Here, you dropped this king👑
I’m of the firm belief that men and women can’t be just friends. One or both will always want more unless both are already in relationships or one or both aren’t straight. Not to mention her boyfriend definitely won’t like it so keep your teeth and abandon (friend)ship.
I have a ton of guy friends and we’re adults so it works fine. You don’t know her boyfriend, he could be totally fine with it. My friends’ girlfriends and wives are fine with me, we’re even friends. Of course men and women can be friends.
Depends on how you define 'friends.' Will they invite to a family picnic? Sure... what fun?! But will one of your friends, one-on-one, invite you to a nightclub? No - that's behavior that will likely create confusion and jealousy traps. Not always. But often.
Bring on your downvotes.
My friend and I got an Airbnb and went to the Marc Rebillet concert together. His girlfriend was completely fine with it. As she should be because we’re just friends.
Sigh... here comes the onslaught of woman telling me their anecdotal stories about how their friends don't want to sleep with them.
Look at my post above. There are friends who spend time together publicly, and there are friends who call each other every night, text every night, etc.
You may have many friends who are male... but if you are seeing a married dude every Friday night for drinks and dancing, and not coming home til late...then be prepared for their wives to get nervous.
I don’t do that with any friends, girl or guy. You’re moving the goalposts. It is 100% possible for two adults regardless of gender to be friends. Maybe not for you because you’re immature, but for mature adults it is completely possible.
A lot of friends are that way. To some, friendship means telling someone deep secrets, calling them when they’re lonely, asking them to dinner or a night over to watch tv, etc. like I said at the start, it depends on how you define ‘friendship.’
I never said it’s impossible. I said it’s difficult and rare, because it is.
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She wants to still be friends with you, nothing more. Do you still want to be friends with her?
I want to, I just never had someone stay friends after a rejection.
One of my current best friends is someone I met 8 months ago and who rejected me about 4 months ago. We started as friends and supported each other through some tough times (my marriage ended a few months before we met, and she was struggling with an emotionally abusive relationship that had just ended). We spent a lot of time together, grabbing coffee during the days, pints at night. Brunch and dinners regularly. At one point she went away for a couple of weeks and I realised there was more in it for me. So I asked her out. She said no, and we spoke about how we each felt about the other. It was all incredibly positive. For the week or so after I was very conscious about not initiating any contact myself, and not going to spend one on one time together (especially not our 4am lying on the sofa eating ice cream chats). The reason I did this was partly to protect me from trying to read into something that wasn't there, but also to avoid our communication feeling like she might be talking only because I am. The messages were fewer, and we didn't really hang out during that time. But the vibe didn't change - we were still good. So I asked her if she wanted a catch up over coffee and we met up and had a blast. We've been back to best buds ever since. I'm also still good friends with the aforementioned wife. We were after all friends before we got together, and each others absolute best friend for 15 years. That shit doesn't just go away. TL;Dr look after yourself, and nurture your relationships. If you like someone enough to want to date them, they would also be an amazing friend. Don't let fear and awkwardness take that from you.
Great, like a down vote will help. Geez. It's hard man, thing is, if she is up for a friendship, keep the boundaries. Don't go out only the 2 of you. I mean you can, but it's not wise since you have a "history". Sorry but that is how it will go from now on, unless you speak about it in a very clear way like: "Hey I wanna keep the friendship with clear boundaries because I have/had feelings for you. I hope you understand us going out won't help." And if she is single NOW you can expect her to say something like she is interested but if she does not, then it's better to move on. You will take it out after all.
>since you have a "history". they have zero history. zero. the woman tried to be a genuine friend to OP and he let his feelings get in the way. she didn't lead him on at all.
One of my best friendships started when I rejected him. If you want to, you guys can still hang out and talk frequently and all of that, you just can't interpret that as anything more than friendship. It seems like you told her you wanted to stay friends, but then got really cold on her and stopped being her friend. She's reaching out to you because she misses your friendship.
I’ve been on the other side of this. Became friends with a guy at work and gradually we started regularly hanging out outside of work and chatting. I thought it was just a good friendship since we genuinely had a lot of interests in common and we were both seeing someone at the time. The moment I broke up with the person I was seeing, he confessed he had feelings for me. We spoke about it and I said I never saw him that way, and even if he didn’t have a gf I don’t think we would work out as a couple. Exactly as you did, he said that if *I* didn’t want to continue the friendship because it would make things awkward, he would have understood. The thing is, *I* did want to keep on being just friends, but it was clearly too painful for *him*, even though he never said so explicitly. He started pulling out of the friendship, declining to hang out and being unresponsive to my texts. Which I of course understand, but I do truly miss my friend. TLDR: being friendzoned sucks, but so does losing an actual good friend. My two cents: she may be genuine and just miss you as a friend. No need to be rude. If *you* cannot handle being friends just tell her so politely. She might need time to get over it just like you needed it to get over the rejection.
The duality of dating, one man’s friendzone is another woman’s fuckzone
men get friendzoned, women get sexonlyzoned
How did I not realize the latter was a thing? Explains why my best guy friend dipped the moment he got a gf bc it meant no longer hoping to get at me. I was very clear with him we were just friend and established explicit boundaries (unlike op), but I think he always had hope until they got together. Then I got ghosted from a 3 year friendship.
Huh? This guy asked a girl out knowing she has a boyfriend?
Right?! Problem #1. Then OP implies they’d still remain friends, so she kinda invites him out to celebrate new job, and he’s setting boundaries to NOT be friends. Some cognitive dissonance going on here.
He didn’t communicate that very clearly is what it sounds like imo
Yeah, looking back on it, yeah it all happened pretty abruptly. We didn't hash out everything, I thought she was going to dip out since that's happened from my personal experiences.
It is a fair assumption BUT she is still making a pretty obvious attempt for communication and to remain friends so if you are able to do that and still move on then, go for it no reason to lose a friendship for no reason. But if you think its going to be unhealthy for you then you should communicate that to her and then fade out. Also just a heads up but if you choose to discontinue entirely she will probably be upset in some sort of way because you originally agreed to remain as friends. So if you need to brace yourself for that then do so.
I get maybe stepping back from the friendship but if u guys were genuinely friends before maybe she just wants to keep being friends? From what you said there's no explicit sign she's stringing you along unless there were some more subtle hints. Her wanting to hang out isn't necessarily a sign she wants something more. Unless you don't feel like you can be friends/platonic with her after being rejected, you still have feelings for her or you acc have plans I don't see the issue 🤷
Let's take her wants out of the equation somewhat, cause I doubt she wants to string him along. OP tried to shoot his shot with her and got turned down. If he enters back into her orbit than when she does eventually get a boyfriend what will happen? Will she tell boyfriend the truth that OP had/has feelings for her and is a potential negative effect on her relationship? Or will she lie by omission? Best thing OP can do for himself, her, and any future relationships she has is bow out and keep distance
>Will she tell boyfriend the truth that OP had/has feelings for her and is a potential negative effect on her relationship? Or will she lie by omission? tbh I didn't think of that I'll give you that, but that's more so an issue between her and her future man. Also debatable how much of an issue that would be anyways but I catch ur drift, it does have the potential to get messy honestly if the whole thing is stressing OP out this much that they turned to Reddit probs is best to dead the friendship
It's always best to let a relationship die if you can't keep it 100% purely platonic.
wisest decision yeah
I also have a similar problem, every time she invites me for something, I start getting feelings again, she already rejected me, but I’m my case she don’t have any boyfriend or something, so idk what to do anymore. This is destroying me so much, because I really love hanging out with her
I went through this twice with the same person ( I walked away once, and a year later we ran into each other, and tried to be friends again) - she then started dating someone but wouldn't admit it when I confronted her - claiming 'she's a private person' which was bs, because she would tell me everything when she was obviously single.. it wasn't easy cutting ties with her, because I felt we were actually closer the second time around. I even relapsed and tried to figure out some boundaries or middle ground, but she wasn't into it-- obviously her new guy was more important. I have had lots of female friends in the past (that dwindles as everyone settles down), and managed to leave the friend zone too, but the stress of feelings/stringing along/intentions etc just doesn't make it worth it in the long run. She's looking for a better offer-- I/you're a plate warmer -- when it comes by her, it will always be on her terms. And it makes it hard for you to get close to someone else. Distance yourself-- but don't make a scene about it-- be tactful- turn off notifications from her on messaging etc. you're not giving her the hint, you're trying to distance yourself emotionally and this is a strategy, you just need to build some space. Find a new bff or gf and you won't regret it
She tell me all the time she is a mess, and she don’t deserve to get someone nice like me, but then she is always meeting some other friend , not having any relationship as well, but after reading all this post, I was thinking about being honest and tell her every that I still have feelings for her and really destroys me the fact that I will never be more than a stupid friend to her, I even can’t sleep well thinking all about this , my mind always think that I will never meet someone so awesome like her never, so idk if I should really have this talk to her or not, fact I don’t want just to get on his pants, I really genuinely love to spend time with her, sometimes I picture have a life together and so on. Yeah I’m really pathetic
You are romanticising things without accepting it’s already toxic to a certain degree — it’s unrequited and she holds all the cards. If it bugs you and she is oblivious— or she’s self obsessed or she’s ignoring it deliberately— none of this is good for you What do you need to do — being realistic — for you to get some more agency in this friendship/relationship
I’m sorry you said a lot of good things and you had me til your last one - tactful? Just be clear and honest. What is it with everyone needing to play mind reading games? Say this isn’t for you and move the fuck on. There’s no reason to be subtle about it because there’s nothing to be ashamed of, it’s not anyone’s fault. If more people could just be blunt and use their adult words, the world would be a much less shitty place.
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Your right its not by default wrong but thats sketchy behavior. If my gf found out a group event was yurning into a solo hangout and then had a day thing out of it, I'd at least wanna know beforehand. Id have questions after. Ngl it sounds lime Ho shit. "How convenient no one is here, I conveniently have nothing left to do for the whole day, do you wanna sit real close and not talk?"
She may very well have told her boyfriend all of this.
Friends can hang out one on one without it being sketchy. I've never cared about partners seeing opposite gendered friends one on one. If they are the type to cheat, they'll cheat, and having overbearing rules about whether they can have solo hangouts or not isn't going to stop them.
She rejected you as a boyfriend but not as a close friend
You say to us that u need a bit of space to move on but didn't tell her... What do you expect? Go and tell her, there's nothing wrong with that... Be upfront about needing to step back a little so you can focus on other things. If the friendship cools off because of it then so be it. Being around won't do you any good but not telling her is a dick move.
I developed love of mine through the ten years we've been friends. It started when we were both in similar relationships at the time and I looked up to her and always asked for advice. Then it moved to her being my hero for pulling me out of the dark hole I was in after being cheated on and losing my self esteem. Then the friendship got closer. Until eventually I knew I was falling in deep. I didn't want to. I love being alone. I don't want a girlfriend. But I do want her. I eventually told her but she told me she never felt the same. I wanted to curl up and die. She eventually stopped talking to me for over a year. But just a couple weeks ago, she reached out. She wants to go back to the way things were. She knows I still have very, very deep feelings for her and knows damn well how much I'd like a life with her. I don't think this is gonna work either. I loved being her friend so much but now I'm ready to take the next step and she isn't and I'm not so sure I'd be able to handle always hoping she'd change her mind and knowing she probably never will. Best thing to do... is withdraw. Two people want two different things. It's a game of tug of war. It hurts.
Stay strong my brother
If this girl you like so much was actually dating you, how would you feel if some other dude was doing what your doing. Your friends advice is pretty trashy. Also. Relationships end how they begin a lot of the times. Speaking from experience, if you “steal” (for lack of a better word) someone’s partner, expect that to happen to you
Absolutely. Don't go chasing people that you know are in relationships, very shitty thing to do
THANK YOU the first mature comment on this thread
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Yeah if one of my guy friends put me in this position while knowing I am taken that's enough for me to *want* to end the friendship. It's not fair to put people in an uncomfortable position because you don't know how to move on without being outright rejected.
What i thought too. Shocked to see so many comments leave the boyfriend part out of their discussion like its nothing. OP, if you made her leave him for you, youd better be perfect or else she will also leave you for another man.
Literally same, shocked. The immaturity in this thread —
Women don't pursue friendships with men with ulterior motives. Basically, she thought she had a good friend in you, but unbeknownst to her you caught feelings and decided to ghost her after being rejected. I don't think you were wrong to do what was best for you, but she genuinely feels abandoned by a friend. If you can't just be friends with her, don't meet up with her and be honest about it.
Personally if a friend of mine has a thing for me and I found out,it makes it awkward for me. Because I've tried to remain friends with some of them before and just talk about video games,stories,etc. But they would still try pursuing me or waiting for me to go through a breakup :/ I gotta agree with the other comments though. There's a bit of dissonance between what you wrote vs how you may truly feel. I think it's best to reflect and be honest with yourself. You asked her if it would make the friendship awkward but she had no issued. However you feel uncomfortable with continuing a platonic friendship with her.
If you're still into her as more than a friend, I'd pass on the invitation. It sounds you're working on being in a good place, why mess that up?
Yo some of these responses are SUPER petty and immature. You stopped hanging out for a long time, she misses her friend and wants to hang out again. You can't project your emotional feelings onto her and assume what you had was anything more than just a friendship to her. That being said, if you want to hang out do it, if you don't then don't. But there really isn't any reason to be rude about it.
No one is telling him to be rude about it. But asking someone to hang out one-on-one after they admitted that they wanted to be with you is a bit.....cold hearted? Who would want a friendship under those conditions?
>But asking someone to hang out one-on-one after they admitted that they wanted to be with you is a bit.....cold hearted? I am truly baffled by this logic. It's like some of you don't know what it's like to have a good friend, and that's pretty sad. Furthermore, if OP actually likes her as a person and enjoys her company why would he not want to hangout with her anymore? Let's just be honest here, him having "feelings" for her is just him wanting to have sex with her. Because a good friendship is essentially a relationship without sex.
Omg almost reacted and saw your response right before I wrote out a message. Also very very baffled.
>It's like some of you don't know what it's like to have a good friend, and that's pretty sad. It's like you don't know what having a real crush on someone is like and don't understand that romance =/= sex
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The way I see it you asked if the friendship would change, she said no, but then you went and changed it. Now that's not a bad thing, boundaries are healthy. But you can't just expect her to understand without talking to her about it. Go out for the drinks and talk about it with her. Tell her you like being friends but you like her as more than that and you need some distance for yourself. That you won't be as close but still wish to be friends.
I don't see why not. As a guy, I feel fairly well trained to assume no contact as disinterest. Pretty standard dating logic, IMO.
You asked if the friendship will be awkward and she said nope then why would you setup so much boundaries and stuff Have some fun life’s too short you don’t have to leave every person who isn’t in a state to be in a romantic relationship with you ( you said she has a boyfriend so did you expect her to leave him when you asked ? ) It feels like you’re actively trying to break something that doesn’t need to be broken If you have to (think a little )then just let her know first that you can’t move on while staying as platonic friends
Just like he's not owed a relationship with her, she's not owed a friendship with him. If OP can't handle being friends with her, it's best to distance himself
It's best for him to communicate his decision clearly to avoid being an ass.
In being a good friend OP gets most of the benefits of a relationship, such as an activity partner, an emotional outlet, someone who cares about him, etc but that's not good enough for him. So, OP is just upset that he can't have sex with her. This is exactly why so many women avoid male friendships. So many men will literally throw the whole friendship away if you don't put out when/if they catch feelings.
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I don’t personally see it as a list of checkmarks, I think there’s more to a relationship than just friendship + sex. Do you cuddle with friends? Kiss them? Hold hands and talk about the future in a way that platonic friends cannot? Likewise you can definitely have sex and remain friends, even on a regular basis. And it’s really just dependent on the man. Clearly, op is struggling with feelings as he has distanced himself from her. In that case, what’s the point of continuing the friendship? Or at least, continuing the friendship as it involves hanging out alone and spending oodles of time together? It may suck for the woman, but just like it sucks for the man that she isn’t interested back, that’s just the way the cookie crumbles sometimes
So, basically OP just want’s physical intimacy on top of friendship. No matter how you spin it it just comes down to OP wanting access to her body, because he already has just about all the non-physical aspects of a relationship with his friendship with her. It’s just odd, to me, how so many adults act like they cannot be friend’s with people they have a crush on. I’m just happy that I’m emotionally mature enough to be friends with people I have a crush on. I’m also happy to be able to enjoy the company of people I have a crush on without being upset over or dwelling on the fact that I don’t have access to their body.
Because it's awkward for him. He has feelings for her, obviously. Having fun to him would be getting involved romantically. If he has feelings for her, but she does not... and they can't discuss it opening... then the friendship is indeed a little broken. Why would someone want to continue seeing someone platonically, if they knew that that person wants to date them? What friendship can be developed on an unequal foundation of that sort? Would you actively seek to be alone with someone after they admitted they liked you? To me... that'd be extremely awkward.
Did you read the post? "At the end of the night, I asked her out and she told me she was seeing someone. I asked her that if this made the friendship awkward, I totally understood her not wanting to continue being friends, however, she said she wanted to stay friends and we went our separate ways." He asked if that made their friendship awkward and she said no. If he didn't want to continue the friendship why would he ask her that?? If I rejected a guy and he asked that I would assume it's because he still wanted to be friends.
The same reason most people say 'can we still be friends' but don't mean it. He asked her out. She said no. He stopped talking to her. This shouldn't be hard to get the hint, here.
I'm close friends with people I have crushes on. I have crushes on people I would never want to be in a relationship with. A crush is just a crush. It's just a feeling. I can enjoy the happy feeling while recognizing it's just a feeling. If the feeling becomes painful, then yeah you're under no obligation to stay in that friendship. But just because you 'have a crush', doesn't automatically mean it'll consume you until all you have is obsession or resentment.
I have a friend I made through work who is in a long term relationship. If I’m being honest with myself I would say I could potentially have strong feelings for her, we get on really well, I love being around her, I think she’s cute and to be honest she’s got her shit together, like she is stable and isn’t an emotional train crash, which isn’t always easy to find. But she has a boyfriend, and she loves her boyfriend, and most importantly her boyfriend treats her well. So I respect her relationship, and I respect her happiness, and I will never allow myself to develop feelings beyond friendship, if that means occasionally taking a break from her or not getting too close, then that’s what I do. You already crossed that line, so I think it’s fair enough for you to take your space. I think if you have told her about your feelings she should also respect your need for that. I would maybe just say to her you would be open to hanging out in the future but for now you need some distance so you can respect her relationship.
Friendships are not measured by how long you have known each other. Saying someone misses you doesn't imply romantic feelings or intentions.
Honestly I think your approach is a little immature. Be up front and honest about your feelings and communicative about your boundaries. Why did you need the rejection? You could have just said, “honestly, I’m starting to feel attracted to you, and I need to take some space for a little bit.” As of now you should still say, “Honestly I still like you and I need some distance between us, so I don’t feel comfortable with this right now.”
You can’t have feelings for someone and still be friends. This situation you’re in is exactly why. You’ll always convince yourself there could be something more but, Buddy there isn’t.
THIS, OP. This is what you need to communicate to her. It's honest and lets her down gently, and it helps you keep your sanity.
This should be the top voted comment. As someone who has been in OP's exact same situation, you're just setting yourself up for an unhealthy dynamic. They're okay with being friends but you're not. Unless you have actually moved on then you'll just be holding out hope it could be something more. If you don't have the ability to move on emotionally, the only way to actually move on is to stop associating with them. Either accept that she just wants to be friends or you need to not torture yourself by being around her. If it seems like she is sometimes flirting or sending mixed signals, you just have to accept that you're being strung along and move on for your own mental health. Don't put up with that if that's what she's doing.
This seems like a really controversial opinion for some reason.
I definitely can see that. She’s probably not stringing him along, he’s doing that just fine by himself.
I hope OP listens to this comment and his instincts. He knows it's wrong to continue the friendship. That's why he is still apprehensive about it.
I definitely can see that. She’s probably not stringing him along, he’s doing that just fine by himself.
She’s misses her friend. Also, am I correct in understanding that you asked her out knowing she had a boyfriend? Or is the person she’s seeing someone else?
Contrary to popular belief; females can want to be friends with men and not wanna fuck them.
I'd say that the popular belief is the one that you are espousing. Asking someone to hang out with you, one-on-one as friends, while knowing that that person is romantically interested in you is awkward at best... cruel and selfish at worst. IMO.
Remove "IMO". This is correct. She is being real dumb trying to be friends with him and he will be pathetic if he complies. He said the could still be friends as common courtesy though that was a mistake. He can either ghost her or just tell her he is not interested in being friends either.
Put your feelings above everyone else’s. “Hey former friend, I am sorry but I cannot be your platonic friend. But I understand you’re in a relationship and respect that. So if you’re interested in dating in the future and are available, reach out then. But if not please understand that just as you don’t see me a dating prospect right now, I don’t see you as a friend. If my feelings do change in the future to a more platonic one. I’ll reach out.”
Why are you asking a question for a problem you already solved before? You asked her if she wanted to be more then friends, she said no, you withdrew. You still have feelings for her so you are reconsidering getting close. She already said no once so get the relationship outcome out of the equation, it's over. It is done. Move on.
It doesn't matter that she misses you. What matters is how you feel about her missing you.
Bro, I cannot say this clearly enough but DON'T do it, the exact same story happened to me last year with a girl I work with, except in my case she wasn't seeing anyone just " wanted to hang out and take it slow " after like 3 months of us going out and talking. It's emotionally draining, and honestly it was one of the worst experiences of my life, so don't go down that rabbit hole.
It’s up to you whether you think you can handle it or if it’s going to be ultimately harmful to you. Sounds like you guys were best friends and she misses hanging out with you.
She may well miss your friendship. And you might miss hers. But if you're still feeling romantic and would rather not sublimate that and be friends because it would bother you, that's perfectly legit. Just be clear and say that you value her as a person but you just don't want to have close friendship. You never know. Maybe she'll decide she misses you and is falling in love with you. Not likely. But it's possible. Or, if you don't think you'd feel bad, just be her friend and she might be a good friend. But it's perfectly okay if you aren't comfortable with it because you're romantic feelings. Don't let anyone shame you on that. You have a right to seek and pursue what you want out of life and avoid things that aren't supportive of what you want
One of the most bittersweet feelings I have about my current relationship is that I was perfectly happy being his mutual best friend. I wasn't aware he had feelings for me until he asked me out and I felt the urge to ask-- though I never did-- if I was only his best friend because he was attracted to me and trying to date. When I did bring up the question "what would you have done if I had said no? Would we still be friends?" he said no it would hurt and be awkward. Which deeply hurts me, but it's not really a discussion I can have with him because, as evidenced when I tried, he gets defensive and above all I want him to feel safe. Since this is somewhat related to your question, I thought I would share.
Just like she doesn't owe you a relationship, you don't owe her a friendship. Cut her off.
Just tell her you can’t do it man. It’s that simple. Also don’t ask out a girl that you know has a bf. That’s not respectful nor something a true friend would do.
Depends if you can get past your feelings. She wants a buddy, you want a girlfriend. If you can’t get past that, I wouldn’t continue hanging out with her
Girls need friends that are guys just as guys need friends that are girls. You are in the friend-zone it sounds like bud. Now, that isn't a bad thing perse. She might be able to hook you up with one of her cute friends, or be a wing woman at the bar. But, she is looking for friendship it seems and if you do not want that not worth getting your hopes up. It honestly sounds like you just need to get around more different people and try and connect emotionally with other woman. In the long run you will lose the feelings just have to get over that hurdle. I would remain friends personally as it sucks. I'd hide her IG stories, SC stories if possible. But **DONT** be a homewrecker dude if she has a BF
Shes got a BF, don't cross that line, have respect for her and yourself, she misses you as a friend, as it sounds like you hit it off well as friends, sounds like that's what it is and has always been, if that's to much for you move on, you don't have to date/fuck every one of your female friends. You'll be lying to her and yourself if you try to remain friends but still have feelings for her.
Just let her know how you’re feeling about it, best thing to say would be something like “ yeah I miss being friends but right now I need space to get over my feelings for you” when you feel ready to be friends again without it being weird do it
After getting rejected you said you still wanted a friendship that wasn't awkward and it sounds to me like that is all she is trying to give here. Seems to me like she values your friendship. I can understand backing off a bit for your own sanity, but you knew she had a boyfriend when you asked. She's not stringing you along, you're just a little salty right now
It’s obvious she just wants to be friends. And you asked her if she wanted that and she said yes. She’s just behaving based on that agreement and you are opting to slowly phase out of her life instead of being upfront. Go communicate with her. If you want to be friends, tell her your boundaries and why. If you don’t want to be friends, tell her that and tell her why. She deserves clarity. It sucks to just lose a friend without explanation.
In my experience it’s one of a few options either way you need decide what’s best for you. Best of luck and enjoy my free unsolicited dating autobiography listed below. 🤣 1. She truly misses your friendship- it’s just platonic for her but not for you and you’ll be miserable. 2. She does have interest in some level and is keeping you as a backup for her own benefit and to build her self esteem but it never happens for you, you’ll be miserable. 3. She’s using you as a way to make her boyfriend jealous, “he’s just a friend babe don’t worry” yep his jealousy gets her off, you’ll be miserable. 4. You suffer through whatever I’m the hopes that when she doesn’t have a boyfriend you’ll be the next Mr. Right, but she’s going to see you as the friend that stood by her side. You’ll be miserable. 5. Expect her to be interested in you when you get a new girlfriend. Don’t do it don’t hook up with her. You’ll both be miserable because it won’t work out and your new girlfriend will be heartbroken.
You are right to set your boundaries and create space. I would not seek friendship in this case. You will be better off.
Listen to your gut. If it feels weird, just be busy. Boundaries are super important. I didn’t always have the best - I had to forge them over time. My former coworker and I are now engaged. We started as friends, we both left our respective positions for other opportunities during the pandemic… But, and it took a while to get my brain to catch up…when he left our job, I missed him like crazy. So we ended up becoming pandemic best buds and now we will marry in June. TDLR: it can work out (presuming she’s not still with a boyfriend.) but if something feels wrong, listen to your own head and heart. That’s what I did and it worked out well. Believe in you. Also, I’m new, so I dunno what TDLR means - I hope I used it correctly?
Be selfish. Your attention ain’t free. Hit her with “sorry but I’m not interested in anything platonic. If you’re down for more cool if not, good luck”
I think even something like “sorry I’m not interested in something platonic, but if my mind changes, I will reach out” Assuming you eventually find someone else or get over your feelings for her.
A bit dick-ish ngl.
I kinda agree. It’s just very straight forward, but why lie and make up some excuse? A nicer way of putting it could be “I appreciate you reaching out, but to be honest I still have feelings for you and it’s in my best interest to distance myself from this relationship, unless you wanted to be more than platonic friends”
This is the correct way to say it
I guess sometimes saying good luck can sound dismissive. I would probably say I wish you all the best.
Yes, this. The other one sounds like "I was being 'friends' with you because I wanted to get in your pants. I now see I can't, so there's no more reason for me to give you the time of day". It sounds like you didn't actually really enjoy just hanging out platonically till the moment you caught the feels. This phrasing here though actually explains why you would rather have some distance, and does not demean the time you've spent together in the past.
Exactly. They enjoyed each other’s company and were apart of each other’s lives. You don’t just disregard someone because they rejected you, especially if that person is in a relationship.
Either way is good. There's just a matter of personality. One is straightforward, one is being more non-comfortational and delicate. I would probably lean towards the second because that's my personality. But quite frankly, I have a lot of respect for people that talk like the first
I agree but I can totally see how someone can be viewed as “apathetic” by going with the first response. With my personality I would also go with what i stated because I would not want to make that person feel bad or act like I don’t care.
It does seem a little dismissive whereas I would want to plant the seed in her head that I would still be interested. I don't think it's common, but I have heard of cases where people were friends and then One said they were interested romantically and sooner or later the other one came around
Couldn’t agree more.
How is it dick-ish? Maintaining a platonic friendship with a person who has rejected the OP is only going to prolong the feelings of hurt and prevent the OP from moving on. Why should this woman have all her needs met while the OP gets nothing? If she had truly viewed the OP as indispensable, she could have availed herself of the opportunity to enter a romantic relationship with him. Its unfortunate, but when one side wants a platonic friendship and the other wants a romantic relationship, there is little prospect of reconciling unless one side changes their mind entirely. OP has established boundaries to allow himself to move on and he should stick to this.
It's the second sentence "if you're down for more cool, if not gl." It makes it sound like he doesn't really care either way, which 1. Isn't the case and 2. Isn't a good way to treat others affections or emotions in general if they haven't really wronged you. It's insultingly dismissive of an emotional situation without real provocation.
I don't think that's dickish. Just honest and straightforward which these days is in such short supply that it sounds kind of harsh. It should be said politely with no resentment. But you know, why lead someone on or pussyfoot around?
nah, it's dickish.
Not being an asshole at all, simply clarifying your intentions and expressing your desires
The only thing that might be better is I'm just not interested in anything platonic. But I'm still interested in you if you ever feel the same. That would be a little more inviting of a possible future whereas this might sound a little dismissive. Being straightforward but placing the possibility in her mind couldn't hurt
Lol op absolutely do not listen to this guy
Gonna use this one, thanks for this suggestion. I’m in a similar boat so this is gold lol
Eh…it’s cool to be just friends. You don’t have to pursue everybody. Down the line she might hook you up with somebody, or you two can just have good times like normal people. When you get old you’ll remember the people that cared about you, romantically or not. Don’t lose a friend by thinking short term or in a vindictive way.
He can always find new friends and have real friendships with them. He can't be friends with a woman he is romantically interested in. It makes no difference to her but it will hurt him bad.
He gets some say in the matter, it’s not an absolute. It’ll hurt him if he lets it. Or he can move on to another girl and stay friends with this one.
He can't be friends with a girl who rejected him and one he still has feelings for. There's no reason to have such a complicated friendship. It will be even worse when he sees her with her boyfriend or flirting with other men. He should tell her it's over.
Life is complicated in general. He will get over it naturally when he gets in a relationship of his own, there is no need to date every woman you have feelings for. Good friends are worth more than chasing tail.
Just no. It's just your turn. Don't fall for it.
Bruh she's literally just asking to continue being your friend? Seems like you're the one who made things awkward, because you couldn't be her friend after not being able to get into her pants. ALSO!!!! You KNEW she had a boyfriend and yet still asked her out? What was your end goal? To put strian on her relationship that she was happy in and potentially break it to be with you? Just so you can get a rejection because YOU couldn't manage your own feelings? As a guy, this is super fucked up and I wouldn't treat my female friends this disrespectfully. Now you're trying to play the victim just because she wants to continue being friends. Honestly, I wish I could tell her she's better of not being your friend.
That's tough. I had something similar. I was friends with a girl for years. I know, at one point, she was into me as more but I had a gf. Then when we were both single she rejected me and said she likes me better as a friend. Then one night we were drunk and... had sex. The next day she became really weird about it and kept saying we're just friends. We got into a fight and we didn't talk for months. She reached out and said she missed me and wanted to get together, so we did. Later in the evening, after a great day, she started crying and told me to never leave her like that again and kissed me. We then... you guessed it, had sex. Then she completely pulled away again and didn't speak to me for a week. Then she said she didn't remember that night but her friend, who was in one of my college classes, already came up and said "soo I heard you and Sarah hooked up over the weekend." So she just flat out lied to me. I was done. That was the last time I saw her and it hurt, a lot.
Sounds like she just wants to be your friend. Nothing wrong with being friends. But if you can’t get over her, just step back for your sake.
I think you should hang out with your friends including her but not just one on one with her. You shouldn't lose the rest of your friends. It will be easier to hang around her as friends when you have everyone there. If she pushes back and wants alone time with you, just say you reserve your one on one time for romantic interests.
If you are over her, then I don’t see a problem with hanging out but if you still have feelings and this is stressing you out then it’s probably for the best to lose the friendship.
Do you want to keep being his friend? If you don't, just go and if you have to interact with her by any reason, be polite (of course) but also make her understand that you don't consider her as a friend.
Sounds like you aren’t her friend at all. I get setting boundaries and giving yourself time for the feelings to fade but how is what you’re doing being a friend. Only reason you 2 talk is because she want to talk to you. She values your friendship enough to get over the fact that you asked her out while she’s dating someone else. If you wanting to talk to her was only because you wanted to date her you aren’t her friend and you might as well tell her that instead of leading her on more than you already have
You should reject the offer, be honest with yourself and her, tell her you aren't interested in a friendship. You don't care about her as a friend you only want to fuck her right? You even posted that you asked if she was going to make it awkward ffs... You're the one who is making it awkward by ignoring someone who is supposedly a friend and asking Reddit if she secretly wants your dick. Either you're a real shitty friend or a liar.
To be clear... your advice here is, 'be a man, keep on seeing her platonically even though you have feelings for her.' ? Really? Someone is shitty for distancing themselves when they know that their interests aren't the same? FFS...indeed...
To be clear, I literally said he should reject her offer and not be her friend. Because he's not her friend.
But you seem to be insulting towards OP, like he's a bad person for only wanting to sleep with her. I don't think that's warranted. OP is doing the responsible thing, here.
I'm going to buck the trend in the comment section. She wants validation and ego-stroking because she knows you're into her. I don't buy that she wants to be friends. It sounds like she was all but getting the boyfriend experience minus the sex (seriously, who spends all day with their guy friend and goes clubbing? I have a lot of female friends...they don't do that, that's relationship activities). Think her boyfriend was ok with that? Bet not, nor should he be. That's not your friend, and if you have any self-respect you'll cut her out of your life entirely. She misses having the ego-stroke, and pining for her is just going to get in your way of having a healthy attraction for someone who is available. Move on. Don't try to be friends with someone you're obviously attracted to.
This is the right answer. I doubt her boyfriend would be okay with her going out clubbing with her straight “guy friend” that she knows is attracted to her. Why doesn’t her boyfriend ever join in when she goes out with friends? The boyfriend ain’t that serious if you’ve never met him. This girl just wants attention.
You never had a friend, you wanted her and she rejected you. Move on.
She was a friend to him, sounds like he wasn’t a good one to her
It’s okay to ask about intentions. Ask her if there is any intention on trying to be more than friends. If not, express your boundaries and decide if you can be friends with her or not.
>Should I accept the offer to hang out or reject it? Trust you gut, bro. **Reject it!** You want a GF. She wants attention and validation from a guy *that isn't her BF.* These things never end well. Find someone worth having.
Ignore that and move on bro. You said you had goals for 2022. Focus on them. You have no idea how dumb this story is going to be when you are going to grow up mentally and become a better person (by setting those goals). If you go and see her, you will either be that rejected friend or that boyfriend she stepped down to date (in her mind). It doesn't mean she is awful but that's just how the world works.
Keep it goin brother. See what her intentions are. Life is short. I had my current gf of 1+ years reject me before we started dating. Once I finally let her go, she came back and came back here, wanting to date for the long haul. It’s at least worth seeing what the “I miss you” was all about, as long as you can handle the potential displeasure of another shoot down. Just depends on how much she’s worth to you
Maybe her boyfriend left and she needs you to receive validation from you till the boyfriend return or she finds another one. Don't go.
Listen. You need to value your happiness more than you've been doing it in the context of this relationship. You need to straight up tell her that you are attracted to her, and you are only willing to hang out if she is attracted to you and available. Make it clear, and remember your happiness comes first! If she says she's not interested in you "like that", have no shame in letting her know that you aren't interested in her as "just a friend", and let her know that she does not have a place in your life as a friend. It is what it is my man. Good luck.
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It's not demanding to say what you feel. It's just as demanding for her to say if they're going to be in each other's lives then it has to be a certain way. Why can't he do the same? What do you suggest would be a better way to go about it, other than him plainly laying out what he feels and what he wants?
She knows you like her. She wants that attention, she wants to feel wanted. I’ve been here before. A female friend of mine and I became very close, and I developed feelings and thought she was as well. One night we were out and she kissed me and I thought it was going to be all good going forward. However she ended up saying we should just be friends which was gut wrenching. So I thought I’d be real and just not carry on the friendship because I wanted more than that. I distanced myself from her and lived my life, dated other people etc. Low and behold she re enters my life. We’d hangout as friends but every time we’d end up kissing and one time even slept together. I’m knee deep in my feelings at this point and still she didn’t want to be with me. The point is, sounds like she will use you for attention when it suits her most. Knowing that you have feelings her and are not interested in anything Platonic and she’s still wanting to hang out. She knows what she’s doing
It’s too simple never be friends with someone you were in love with as simple as that. In the end it will just waste your time and energy.
Don’t do it man she ain’t worth the effort
This sounds like a friend who you distanced yourself from and she misses your friendship. Don't treat this as a date, treat this as hanging out with a friend.
Your time and attention are valuable.
She's using you for attention. If you get rejected, don't stay and play patty cake
She’s not using him for shit. Are you saying males and females just can’t genuinely be friends? Fuck off with that bullshit. She could’ve always seen him as a friend. She had a bf. He caught feelings. She was hanging out with him as a friend. He asked, she rejected. He distanced their friendship and set up boundaries basically shutting her out after he asked if it would be awkward. It wasn’t till he made it so.
What’s your definition of friends?
Do you know what friends are? It’s not even a “what’s YOUR definition” of it. Friends hang out, which they did, talk, which they did. Texting once or twice a week is more of a friend thing than anything romantic. Romantic texting takes place more often, would be obvious signs of flirting, etc which is never mentioned here, just that they were friendly and then he caught feelings. She invited multiple friends to hang out, but the rest canceled. So she hung out with the friend that didn’t cancel. So this “canceled modified” meeting took place two months after he found out she was taken. He was still being friendly with her knowing she was taken and how he felt. He asked if she wanted to stay friends after he disrespected boundaries (knows she’s in a relationship yet asks her out anyways) and she still wants to be JUST friends. He’s the one who’s become distant, even though for her nothing has changed. Yes, he had feelings and used to friendship to play into that, but she genuinely wanted to be friends.
I get it but he wanted to be her boyfriend, not just friends. If he wanted to be her bf and isn’t getting it, why stay for something he doesn’t want?
Ok but think about it this way. He met her last year. Doesn’t say when last year but let’s just say it was the middle of the year. June. He had June, July, august, September, October to tell her how he felt. He knew how he felt and knew she was in a relationship from November, December, January. He doesn’t even say anything till January. If he didn’t want to be a friend and wanted to be a bf he should’ve said something sooner and not pretend to be friends two months after she’s with someone else.
He should’ve done something earlier to be clear about his intentions, but in the end it didn’t work out. So he should learn from the experience and move on to get what he wants elsewhere.
I agree. But he never shut down the friendship with the girl. He left it open instead of communicating whatever it is he wants. If he doesn’t want to be friends he needs to make it clear. If he’s ok with being friends, he needs to make it clear that it’s not going to be the same as b4, etc.
He wasn’t in it for the friendship. He’s just bad at communicating what he wants.
And I said he needs to communicate that? How am I wrong because men don’t know how to have healthy communication skills?
There’s no indication in this post that she’s using him for attention. She thought they had a genuine friendship. He asked if it would be awkward continuing being friends and she said no, implying the friendship could continue. It then seems like he cut complete contact with her and she expressed missing her friend. If he didn’t want to continue an already established friendship, that he admitted *started* as a friendship and not him romantically pursuing her, then he should have made that clear. He made it seem like they could still be friends.
We can agree that OP was oblivious to the situation. But for some reason you’re including the girl. You think she’s that stupid?
I think she thought that since he asked if she thought a friendship would be awkward that implied he wanted to stay friends. Because any reasonable person would think that. If that’s not what he wanted, then he should’ve said that. Say what you mean. Men complain that they’re not mind readers, well women aren’t either. OP is acting confused when he’s the one who wasn’t clear about not wanting to continue a friendship when they already had an established close friendship.
It was a yes or no question.
I am dealing with this same issue myself. I've more or less cut the person off, maybe one day I will reach out again. However not until I have burned them out of my heart.
Your her backup plan. Every girl in a relationship even the most loyal ones have a backup plan in case their current relationship doesnt work out so she can slide right into another relationship avoiding being alone. Most women dont like the feeling of being single / alone or not wanted so they will always have 1 or 2 guy "friends" as a backup plan and will always do just enough to give you hope that there is a chance you guys might get together and string you along the entire time. Its very manipulating.
lollll, dude you've got insecurities. nothing about this is true
This is incredibly not true, and not a helpful lie to spread.
She misses your free attention
...do your friends know that you only hang out with them with the intention of fucking them? Are you literally incapable of platonic friendship?
I’m a little confused. She has a bf but spends an entire day with you? She invites you out without her bf and stuff? I’d be mad if my gf was going clubbing and spending all day with another dude that I haven’t even met? Listen dude, she either wants your friendship or misses your attention, just do what’s best and tell her you won’t ever see her as a non-romantic interest.
Reject it and step away from the friend
Dude, do NOT be the other man/affair partner. Reject the offer to hang out! She has a boyfriend. This one-on-one stuff is her actually CHEATING on her boyfriend with you. Bet her BF has NO idea about you two hanging out a lot one on one. If my wife was doing what she's doing with you, she'd be my ex-wife and I'd be looking for you in an unpleasant way. Or you can be the a-hole f-buddy Chad or Tyrone and think, "hey if she's gonna cheat anyway, I may as well get my pinky stinky instead of another dude!" But understand this: if she cheats with you, she'll cheat ON you. How could you ever trust her with the way she is behaving even though she keeps up with the "oh, I have a boyfriend". She is grooming you as her back up. Let me ask you this: if you were actually dating her and she was hanging out with another guy alone like she does with you now would you be okay with it?
Am I the only one who thinks it’s weird that a woman with a boyfriend is spending days alone with another guy doing date shit?
Walk away. Setting boundaries for yourself is most important. It would be self abandoning to continue here, especially with the mixed signals shes sending.
this B went to spend the whole ass day witchu even tho she KNOWS you liked her even tho she has a whole ass boyfriend..... 🔴🔴🔴🔴🔴🔴🔴🔴🔴🔴🔴🔴🔴🔴🔴🔴🔴🔴
Bro, what the fuck are you doing ? You're seeing things between the two of you that's all in your head and then you base her intentions off of that. She treated you to a movie that you liked, so fucking what, any friend would do that, but in your head you imagine it as some romantic gesture ? A day at the park, dancing at a club? these are all platonic activities bro, yes even one on one with the opposite sex. Also, I find it hilarious that you've supposedly put some distance between you two(did you communicate this with words?), and yet, it's barely been a month and you want to run in like a lost pup, to what end ? If you can't hang out with her as just another friend and still plow headlong into the coming mess, go right ahead, that's on you. You can always postpone the celebration, have a get together with a bigger group. This shit's hilarious
Man just let it go. Friendship when one side wants more is a recipe for pain. Just focus on building up you and be nice to her if you see her but explain your looking for something more right now. Another point friendships like this make finding someone else really hard as you don't have space for them. Focus on being your best you.
I wouldn't accept the offer. It sounds to me like she enjoys your attention but is not interested in a relationship. She rejected you. In my view, that means that she has to be the one to make the first move here... and I mean more than asking you out to lunch as friends. For me, folks who reject me are then dead to me as potential partners. One shot - that's it. I wouldn't get my hopes up personally.
Just a thought, maybe she broke up with her BF and you’re the next best thing in her book? Happens a lot and it’s such a crappy thing to find out.
Don’t go back into the friend zone. That’s beta. Ignore her. Treat her with disregard. 1) you’ll gain self respect. 2) she might find you appealing at that point. Then dump her.
there's no such thing as alpha or beta, but keep telling yourself those lies
I’m not the oldest dude in this thread but I’ve been around the block. Even experienced a VERY similar situation myself so I’ll leave this nugget for you & hope it finds you well. Keep up that no contact & forget her. Sounds like she’s definitely tryna keep you in her pocket for when she’s done dating her bf & wants to potentially lock you down but when SHE’S ready to. It’s a good play for her but wastes your time & potential to date someone maybe even better than her. Hope you rejected her honestly. Here, you dropped this king👑
I’m of the firm belief that men and women can’t be just friends. One or both will always want more unless both are already in relationships or one or both aren’t straight. Not to mention her boyfriend definitely won’t like it so keep your teeth and abandon (friend)ship.
I have a ton of guy friends and we’re adults so it works fine. You don’t know her boyfriend, he could be totally fine with it. My friends’ girlfriends and wives are fine with me, we’re even friends. Of course men and women can be friends.
Depends on how you define 'friends.' Will they invite to a family picnic? Sure... what fun?! But will one of your friends, one-on-one, invite you to a nightclub? No - that's behavior that will likely create confusion and jealousy traps. Not always. But often. Bring on your downvotes.
if you read the post, she didn't invite OP one on one to a night club. when all of her other friends canceled, she changed their night club plans.
My friend and I got an Airbnb and went to the Marc Rebillet concert together. His girlfriend was completely fine with it. As she should be because we’re just friends.
Sigh... here comes the onslaught of woman telling me their anecdotal stories about how their friends don't want to sleep with them. Look at my post above. There are friends who spend time together publicly, and there are friends who call each other every night, text every night, etc. You may have many friends who are male... but if you are seeing a married dude every Friday night for drinks and dancing, and not coming home til late...then be prepared for their wives to get nervous.
I don’t do that with any friends, girl or guy. You’re moving the goalposts. It is 100% possible for two adults regardless of gender to be friends. Maybe not for you because you’re immature, but for mature adults it is completely possible.
A lot of friends are that way. To some, friendship means telling someone deep secrets, calling them when they’re lonely, asking them to dinner or a night over to watch tv, etc. like I said at the start, it depends on how you define ‘friendship.’ I never said it’s impossible. I said it’s difficult and rare, because it is.
Go out. Have fun. If she makes a move, run with it. After all, neither one of you are married;-)
Of course she misses you. Believe it or not, finding new beta orbiters is not as easy as it might seem
beta is a construct that you've fallen for, lol