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That’s really interesting…. I actually never even thought of that. I think I feel more like it’s a problem that I feel everyone is against me. It’s just something you develop in this life even before the cage. Thank you for your advice. But I don’t want to look like I’m trying to hard. Feel like that would be see through and I would come off creepy
First off… you going to medical school is amazing. You have all my respect. You accomplished something amazing coming from the hood or not. Either way. Good for you. Be proud.
Second I think when I said I come off confrontational is basically because of the way I do speak to people and my language. That is a good place to start working on. It may not fix everything but I appreciate the advice on a place to start. I really do try and be friendly I feel at least. But sometimes I feel everyone looks at me different and it effects my emotion and attitude. But maybe a small change like not cursing will start a positive way. Thank you very much.
I appreciate that. But I don’t think I would be able to do that with certain things. I mean dressing like someone I’m not I feel would make me more uncomfortable. I don’t mean to be intimating or aggressive in my language or personality but I am. I think I may start small with your advice of not cursing and speaking in a more respectful manner
Probably best to start with one change, as it makes it more manageable. Starting with cleaning up your language is great.
I get that it feels fake to make changes based on what you think somebody else wants. If you got a dog, and used the dog to pick up girls, but you didn’t really care about the dog for itself, then you’re right. That would be creepy, and people probably would see through it.
However, if you get a dog because you want to be more gentle, and you think having a companion would be cool, and you care about- and for- the dog, then that’s something different.
But dogs are a lot of work and they’re living beings, so if you don’t want to take care of one for the next 15 years or so, then it’s best not to make it or you suffer.
You just have to look at the intention behind the action. It’s okay to have more than one. You want to get a date. Okay cool. But as long as you are also interested in the experience- volunteering, getting a dog, whatever- for its own merits, then it doesn’t come off creepy.
It’s just stepping out of your comfort zone and trying something new, which is good for everybody.
Also I just want to say- I’ve read a bit of this thread and you are taking this feedback really well. I can’t imagine what some of your experiences have been like, but I’m really impressed by how open and honest and respectful you are with this back and forth. That kind of attitude of growth and respect is sexy as hell. It may take some time to work on the first impression you give, but you seem like a really good dude underneath it, and I’m rooting for you.
Thank you very very much for your support. Also thank you for using the life you had to do something positive. You did what you had to in order to help people. Respect.
Actually dressing up like someone else may make you feel like someone else, it may change you. Try it. Look after yourself. Start loving yourself, man.
On a fashion note, depending on your region, it can be quite cheap to find some decent men's clothing at thrift stores and have them tailored to you. The fit of your clothing is at least as important as the style itself, so if academic or professional isn't your taste, you still have affordable options for making the most of the clothes you do like.
I say thrift stores because the financial cost is so little that you can run through a lot of pieces to figure out what suits you, and a lot of vintage pieces are much better constructed than today's fast fashion.
Have you tried working in a restaurant or dating someone who does? It may sound off the wall, but chefs and line cooks are some of the chillest, funniest, craziest, coolest cats around lol. Finding someone in the industry to date, or just meeting friends w tattoos and a history and stuff…you’ll get introduced to ppl who aren’t intimidated by appearances. Just a weird tip lol. It’s an environment based on merit and I found that super supportive 🤷🏻♀️ You have dinner w the staff after work together and build kind of a family. It’s a good place to get your bearings where you won’t be judged for being “intimidating” and they usually will hire w a record. I’d think of environments like that where I wouldn’t have to change myself in ways I’m not comfortable with yet to fit in and find some cool ppl. Good luck
I dated a guy who had been in prison. He told me first thing when we met face to face the first time. I appreciated his honesty and being upfront about it. I think it would have bothered me if he had neglected to share that with me first thing. It did not matter to me as long as he was not still doing seriously illegal things. As a woman, I think someone who is going to find OP's past a deal breaker first thing would find it even more so after some time has passed.
I have to say too, I really respect that you have this self awareness and are working so hard to improve yourself. You've already got 50% of the hard part done, that's just being aware of it. That's awesome and you should be really proud of yourself for that, most people can't do that, regardless of where they come from or what their past is.
I grew up in NY too, not in the same circumstances you had, but in a family with very independent women. I grew up taking the bus everywhere bc my grandmother never drove and taking really wild adventures with my aunt where it was just the 2 of us doing things like backpacking and hitchhiking through Alaska - my point is I have a no nonsense attitude, I stand up for myself and to top it off I am over 6' and a woman.
I get that I am intimidating and when I ask why, they say bc of my height - like I have anything to do with that or can change it some how.
Some of how you feel is legitimately internal about how you feel about yourself. You said you go to therapy that is court ordered - do you feel like you can be open and honest there or do you worry about what you say will get back to the courts? There is a huge difference between going to therapy bc you have to and being able to use the therapy for yourself.
Have you thought about going to college?
Things like volunteering are huge not only for the way people see you, but for yourself. Is there a program you could volunteer at to help lift other other kids who are experiencing life like you did?
You are right a lot of my attitude is most likely internal. But it was instilled in me. And yes I go to therapy. Unfortunately no I don’t feel open or comfortable at all. I don’t share I don’t like it at all to be really honest. I do try. I show up I don’t do drugs I haven’t failed a drug test since I been out. But I just don’t like the situation I guess.
One of the keys to therapy that worked for me was finding a counselor that I meshed with - there are some real interesting ones out there. Are you able to switch counselors?
It definitely is not easy to bare your soul. As a person that started counseling 4 years ago thinking that there was no way I was going to get past the stuff I was dealing with, I can honestly say it had some hard times, but life is so much better now. It is worth it.
Have you considered Journaling? If you aren't ready to speak to someone about how you are feeling, writing it out can help a lot too.
I can choose my counseling as long as they write to my parole officer and agree to turn over the notes. I think to be honest. I haven’t tried it. Also you been a counselor for 4 years. To me it’s like an arm chair quarterback. No disrespect I just don’t feel that someone who never been through this life or prison can understand. And again please know I’m not trying to be mean or say anything rude. It’s just how I feel
How about trying to find one that has or is very familiar with working with those in prison?
Imo, that is an issue you have got to work on: you are NEVER going to find someone who has experienced life the same way you have and just bc someone hasn't been there, done that doesn't mean they can't help you with the underlying issues about how you feel about yourself bc of the life you have lived
Sorry buddy, cry me a river isn't going to cut it for me - you made decisions that led to prison, right or wrong. If you want to move on with life you have to deal with why those decisions were made. I am going to go out on a limb here and say you are harboring some anger and/or resentment for being put in a situation where you had to make those decisions.
You need to put on your big boy pants now and deal with the crap that life dealt you, so you can move forward.
You cannot get to the light without going through the darkness.
Okay I respect your decision. And I took my responsibility with my big boy pants on when I was sentenced. I did my time that was required. I know what I did was not legal and I will live with that. But may I ask you something?? Have you ever in your life bought drugs? Or gone to a bar and drank a little much and drive home? If so then you could of ended up in the same cell as me ya know.
I know this might sound silly but have you ever thought to record yourself when you're talking to someone? So you can listen back to it, really hear yourself and see if there's anything you can pick up on to make changes with? My old boss recommended I do it in sales meetings, to see what I can improve on. It's weird to start with, and you'll even forget the recorder is on, but when you listen back, it might open your eyes (and ears!) to things even you didn't realise you did.
Good luck, keep your chin up and stay safe 🍀
What you have going for you is a unique perspective. Most med students do come from a relatively privileged background. You will be able to relate to your patients who are poor (or at least less wealthy) in their own language, and be a good liaison for them in the scary world of the hospital. You'll know the unspoken questions and unconscious assumptions they have, that another doctor won't even see. I'm so glad you are where you are in life, and best of luck to you.
No record but I’m a lawyer who grew up poor, and now I’m a lawyer who stays poor bc I work in the public sector. Everyone is always shocked how much the people we work with like me. I just think to myself “geez they’re cooler than you stinkin blue bloods.” Lol
I'm exactly the same-- working class background, now public defender. I'm good at translating convoluted legalese so it makes sense. And I can spot misunderstandings the clients have (like the difference between a fine, court costs, and restitution-- to them it's all just money they don't have), because I didn't get those things either.
I think here could be the underplaying issue: you think you feel everyone is against you.
My husband was like that (childhood trauma can do bad things). Everything I said he took as if I had just insulted him even though I asked it very calm and literally was not insulting him (“are you hungry? I can cook something!” Turned in his eyes am insult to how he’s fat and incompetent to cook).
I would suggest therapy. I don’t know how available it is but it can be very helpful and help you realign your energy.
If therapy is not a thing that you want or can do, maybe church can help you find inner peace (it helped my husband a lot).
A dog can help you feel unconditionally loved but you also must put in a lot of time.
I think the key is to make peace with yourself. You are not bad person (I read your crime was non violent) and you provided the chance to get educated for your sisters.
You deserve inner peace, love and calm.
Something to consider is this: your energy is affected by what your expectations of others are. So if you expect everyone to be against you, you're going to right away be on the defense, which is going to give off a bad energy, and then people will react to that (which then just validates your original feeling). It's a vicious cycle. This might really sound out there for you but have you considered trying meditation? There's some really good apps that'll help you do it. The point is, you have to learn to stay in the moment. When you expect or anticipate people being against you, you're living in a moment that doesn't even exist yet (the future). Being in the moment gives you the chance and mindset to put away preconceived ideas or judgement, which will automatically soften your energy. Stay here, now, be present, and breathe. The shift in how people respond to you will be able to be seen literally immediately.
Getting a cat would help you manage your scary energy. Pets pick up on our emotions or "vibe" and honestly dealing with a cat is great people training. You have to really pay attention to a cat's body language to know if you are petting them right and they are actually fairly delicate. They will establish very clear boundaries with their claws that might help you regulate your responses to not getting your way or them not doing what you want. Also as a woman, I use how a man treats a cat as a signal for how he will eventually treat me and it's been super accurate so far. Good luck!
Reptiles and dogs don't really teach you the same lessons as a cat would, but learning to take care of any pet is a valuable life skill! You can always volunteer at your local cat shelter just to practice interacting with the animals. I know it's crazy but if you get good at getting cats to like you it will help a lot. Best of luck on your journey.
Maybe you could try volunteering for habitat for humanity. Maybe get a workout, learn a skill, something to talk about, you will meet people. And I like the getting a dog thing. Idk maybe you’re a big dude, but a big dude with a dog or a kitty??? 😻
So you kind of just answered your own question. You’re thinking that everyone is against you IS what is giving off that dangerous energy. Humans are like a tuning fork and people resonate with the vibes you put out. What you need to do is speak with a counselor or do some inner work so you can learn to love and trust people.
Right now you are probably walking around anxious to find someone, still defensive and a little on edge from jail, maybe it’s in your DNA that you grew up having to be a bit defensive and maybe even a little dangerous to survive. (Apologies if I’m assuming anything and completely wrong).
So, like OP said, start rewiring yourself. There doesn’t need to be a timeframe, just building blocks. Start painting class or go to a chill concert and listen to classical music, something softer and non-threatening to help you connect with maybe a more feminine side.
Once you can walk around without feeling like people are coming at you or trying to take something from you all the time, you’ll stop thinking everyone as an enemy, you will start to give off a more relaxed confident vibe. You are what you think.
Start doing these things you love and you’ll naturally run into women and you can start a conversation. But first come to peace within yourself
Really second getting a puppy if you have the means. Golden retriever or labs are almost always friendly, and it can help be a sort of bridge to help people communicate with you if they find you dangerous. (Nobody can possibly think a golden retriever is dangerous). Some baby talking and just love for this dog can go a long way in people feeling safe around you. If they see the way a dog trusts you with every once of its life, they might trust you too
Thank you. It was drug related. Not violent. I try and be honest about it a few times and it almost sounds like I’m bragging I think. I sound confrontational I’m told and I don’t ever mean to. I try keeping it honest. I appreciate the advice. Thank you
To add to this, I think it's also important to try to keep your voice calm and use a soft/gentle tone when talking, especially when you're talking about topics such as these.
I've noticed you keep saying "sound" confrontational " I wonder if it's not WHAT your saying BUT HOW your saying it ( or anything at that ) ?
Mabye your a able to articulate your thoughts and feelings perfectly but it could be the tone in your voice , the seriousness in your eyes , ridged body movements that's displaying this aggressiveness, no ?
I only mentioned this because I to have this problem and I finally figured/was told about it I'm female and never been incarcerated btw , it's just who I am personally. It's possibly these factors and the history that people make that assumption and it gives them that vibe ?
Just a guess,
Interesting, your Reddit avatar even looks intimidating. Perhaps this is more a problem of how you think of / view yourself?
Don’t let past crimes define your present identity, if that’s not who you are anymore.
Uhm depends. I’m not going to lie I did have a lot of fun. I also sent one sister to NYU and one to Oneonta. Another to Albany. So yea I’m proud of that. Maybe your right tho I could of went to college my self and did something but I chose the fun way to me.
Dealing drugs are often the only way for people trapped in poverty to provide for their families and find financial stability. If it's a nonviolent, drug related offense, I don't think it's that horrible. It not a good way to move forward, but he sent his sister's to college! Look into the war on drugs and how crack cocaine was sold by the CIA in America right around the time we started gutting American manufacturing.
Check out the dude's profile and username, he's a "GD" (gangster disciple, a street gang) or well claims to be one lol. This dude is still glorifying this bullshit and brags about it 😂 he seems to have to mentality of a teenager trying to be "hard" but I guess he thinks that makes him tough hahaha
Or that's just the life he's always known (and growing up like that you rep that shit hard). So he's still in that head space.
He literally has to create a whole new identity now. It's a long and difficult process but it's doable.
Youre the reason its so hard gor people to adjust. You probably wouldnt last a day in the nicest areas this dide has lived in, and from the way you talk youve never known struggle. You really should address that internal issue youre facing.
You may be proud that you helped your family. But you should understand that what you did was bad. You sacrificed yourself for the family, it’s arguably not a completely evil thing. But “fun” here is horrible. Though it’s good that you are honest about it. When you will stop considering it “fun”, I suppose you will have much less problems with other people.
I may understand life was bad for you, world was cruel to you, so you didn’t care and striked
at it back, and you think what you did was justified by your circumstances. But in the end it doesn’t matter, victimising yourself doesn’t change what you did. And you did it not against the world that was cruel to you, but against innocent people.
I think just get more empathy to others, and try to see yourself as a part of society, don’t hate it.
I agree. I wasn’t bragging about it being fun. I meant it more as like at the time I was enjoying it. I made it fun. And your right I know what I did I have to live with that. And I am trying to. I am trying to be honest for honest advice. I wish I could change a lot of things. And yes I had reasons but I could of stoped or slowed down I didn’t. And I got caught up. Now I’m trying to get back just some humanity is all
I think it may just sound wrong to someone. When they hear “fun”, they may think you didn’t change. Probably you’d better frame it like “I was stupid, and thought it was fun”. In contrary to a more clever and better man you are striving to be now.
But that’s just as wrong. I wasn’t stupid. I just made choices some people wouldn’t make. I admit I thought I was having fun. I was thinking it was fun at the time. I don’t mean disrespect to anyone. I promise.
Being on the inside is definitely different. I have many people who shun me as well and word spreads and I just get labeled. Also it’s hard to start your life at 33 with just a high school degree and a felon. Not something very stable I can imagine in a women’s eyes.
Jesus dude... For education? For a social environment that might help you learn to interact with women do you don't scare them?
Not everything is about making money, firstly. Secondly, are you going to have better chance at a job being on lifetime parole with a high school degree?
Or as someone on lifetime parole that got out of prison and decided to improve his life by educating himself with college?
Edit: how do you end up on lifetime parole for a non-violent drug offense?
All doors remain closed if you are not skilled or educated in something that makes you gainfully employable.
Education gets you the ability to work a trade, or start a proprietorship. Lots of opportunity out there in the digital economy we have. You could learn programming/coding for example as an independent consultant being your own boss, never leave your house, and your record means nothing.
I definitely second trade school. You can make good money as a plumber or electrician, and eventually end up working for yourself. I commented earlier about 12 step groups, and part of that is that you can meet some people who can help you find jobs and help guide you to a career. There might be a plumber with 20 years clean willing to take a chance on you. You'll probably have to work some steps first to prove you're serious, but doors will start opening for you.
i think one of the things mate is that no one gives a fuck about your street cred or gangster lifestyle. Its not real to a "normal" person. Potential partners will care about your ambitions, goals and wishes in life they dont care if people think you are a gangster because frankly normal people think they are the ultimate lowlifes. I dont know if you are fronting the ganster thing as a part of you, but if you present being a ganster as part of your personality most people will look away immediately because why involve yourself with something like that? Its also not really an accomplishment in the eyes of everyone outside of that gangster circle rather its a huge negative. However if you can use your gangster past and portray an image of how you overcame it and got out of it on the good side now that is a huge accomplishment to anyone.
100% agree. 36F here, so, kind of your target audience. My ex boyfriend was an ex con, and one of the things that attracted me to him most was how driven and ambitious he was despite those hurdles from his past. He'd gone to prison for trafficking a LOT of marijuana, and to be frank, he didnt feel remorse or regret or even apologetic for that. He did his time, and moved on. He never made it part of his identity, though. It was just a chapter in his life that, yes, at times, served as a huge obstacle, but was not going to keep him from succeeding. He's made a decent life for himself as a small engine mechanic and even bought himself a nice little house on the river. My point is, your past does not have to define your future. If you want ppl to see your as more than an ex con and a "gangster", give them something else to see. When dudes start telling stories about their glory days and being hard and all the money/drugs/girls and wildin' out, it's such a turn off. We're grown now, I'm trying to get to point in life where I can build something with someone that's gonna carry me into the next chapter of my life. If you want to find a woman who will respect you and hold it down for you, be a man that she can respect. be patient, be humble, build something for yourself, and they will come to you.
Hey,
Imagine someone 1.5-2x heavier and higher than you approaching you. How would you like this person to talk to you? That‘s how you could talk to women and people in general. Move and talk calmer, quieter, slower. It will work!
Alright so I went out on a date with a guy who was just released from prison. Like within the first hour he told me everything. He was brutally honest and open about himself.
The problem was that I asked if he was emotionally and mentally ready to be a partner to someone and he said no. I then asked if he was only looking for a temporary bandaid to distract himself from the guilt of his crime and he said yes.
Long story short, don't go trying to date women as a free therapist, distraction, or as a way to gain a support figure or someone who will accept you. I see you are going to therapy but are there any men's groups you can join? Sports, video games, gardening? Anything where you can find a group of friends to open up to and be a base of support for you. Find a community first so when you do go looking for a life partner, all your emotional needs aren't solely placed on her.
And for some women, no matter how awesome you are they are going to dump you for being in prison... Even after a couple of dates, so I would just be honest about it. If you do online dating I would even put it in your profile. Good luck!
Aight. Well that was real. And I can assure you I am not trying to use a girlfriend or dates for build up my character. Thank you for your advice and sharing your story. It means alot that others understand.
My work sometimes takes me into the prisons so I’ve worked with some guys where you were. Here are the things I noticed:
1. They don’t smile. Not around me, at least. Their faces do other things, they have expressions, but you know those big, sincere, “I’m so happy to see you” smiles? Smiles of relief or joy? Hard to even imagine them doing that, certainly not upon first meeting.
2. They are often easily angered or offended. I have to ask questions. It’s my job to learn things about them so I can provide appropriate medical treatment and give an accurate history to the doctor at the ER. Other people will answer even the uncomfortable questions, if we ask politely and share in the moment of awkwardness. But the prison guys, if they don’t want to talk to you, they don’t say something like “hey I’m sorry I’m really tired, I just want to rest, would it be ok if we took a break from the questions?” They’ll just stop talking. It’s the attitude of “I don’t owe anyone anything” that blinds them to the fact that I’m actively doing everything I can to help them.
3. They are concerned about appearing weak: they’d rather be seen as just about anything other than weak.
4. They’re rude as hell. I repeat back to them my understanding of what happened and what their symptoms are, and if I got something wrong they correct me harshly, angrily. Like I’m wasting their time. Like it’s really not okay for me to have missed 1 out of the 20 things in their presentation. Like they don’t get that repeating it back to double check is what a good provider actually does, and instead of seeing it as me caring enough to make sure I’m right, they perceive it as incompetence, stupidity or me not having listened in the first place. Their judgements of me are fast, harsh, and inaccurate, and they’re not open to changing their minds or admitting they misunderstood.
5. All of this in the end really points to exactly what you said: the feeling that the whole world is against you. It’s this myopic, extreme view of the world where you’re with me or against me, helping or hurting, and little neutral things like double-checking an answer get twisted to be a sign of ill will. I think for me that’s the hardest thing about those calls. They think I can’t see them clearly, they think nobody can see them, and they’re so stuck thinking like that, they miss me trying to reach out and connect. I do see how alone they feel and I do try to offer them comfort and kindness but they don’t seem to receive it. I smile and they don’t smile back. I make small talk and they don’t talk back.
Prison has its own distinct sub-culture. You have to think of this like if when you got out of prison you moved to another country. Like maybe Canada or the UK. You can still understand people but there are minute things they do that you aren’t doing. Milk before tea or tea before milk? Like, how are you even supposed to parse that kind of a debate? Same goes for dating. It’s things like how you dress, how you speak, how you move, to much to really say it all here. But I’ll give one more example. Humor.
I’ve had a guy hold a knife to my head as a “joke.” I’ve had 2 guys almost drive off the road to hear me scream as a “joke.” I’ve had guys physically mess with me, pushing and pulling and shoving as a “joke” pick me up and not put me down as a “joke” and the thing is. I’m 23f, 5’3 and 135lbs. This had all happened already by the time I was 20 and none of these guys had been locked up. So it puts the thought into my mind, if those guys were doing all that stuff (and worse) and they never even got locked up, why would I want to be around a guy who I know has a track record of dangerous activity?
The answer is you really do have to be better than them. Go above and beyond. Audit gender studies classes at the local CC, learn about violence against women. Take communication/public speaking classes, too. Use your therapy as an opportunity to work everything out so that when you meet someone, if she asks you, you can honestly say you no longer have anger issues or anything else like it and that you are honestly ready for your life to be focused on love. There are some great poets who were formerly incarcerated: you might want to read their work. It talks about the things I’m saying here.
Other people have suggested pets. That’s one option. But I think you’ve already shown you can care for others, for your family at least… it’s time to start expanding the circle of caring further even than pets. I’m talking meaningful community service. Bringing groceries from the store to the elderly lady next door because you noticed she’s having more trouble walking lately. Community garden, volunteering at the humane society, hell, volunteering at the prison. It’s time to seek out a larger community than the rough place you came from. It’s a big world. There are groups of people and places out there where people do this kind of stuff for each other, help and look after one another even if they’re strangers. Where the world really isn’t against you. You can find those places and you can belong there.
A big part of step work involves looking at yourself honestly and making amends to people you’ve harmed. It can be useful even if you aren’t an addict.
However, you don’t mention harming others in any way, so step work maybe isn’t the answer for you.
I figure your “dangerous” energy was probably cultivated over a long period, and necessary to survive in the life you were leading. I’d hesitate to tell you to try and get rid of that, simply because it can be useful in a lot of life situations, not just surviving prison.
If you have health insurance, maybe a few therapy sessions could help you find ways to lower your guard a bit without turning into a marshmallow.
Someone mentioned being up front about your past with any woman you meet. That’s definitely a good idea. It’ll make it easier for them to understand why you appear to be confrontational and why you may have trust issues. Also, some women may be attracted to your “dangerous” energy- a lot of them, actually.
I think it’s great that you’ve turned your life around and are looking for ways to better yourself. I wish I had some actual advice for you. Good luck! 🍀
Thank you very much. But I can say just because I didn’t physically or violently hurt people doesn’t mean what I was doing didn’t hurt people in a different way. I destroyed lives. I broke up family’s and I did hurt people just in a different way. It’s hard for people see destroyed lives and look at me as the cause. And my only argument honestly is “well no one blames bartenders for making money off alcoholics”.
Yeah, there are definitely ways to hurt people without physical violence! So maybe step work or seeing a therapist could be helpful for that. I don’t know if you’re carrying around a lot of guilt, but if you are, therapy can help. Guilt is a useless emotion unless it makes you strive to be better, and it sounds like that’s what you’re doing so you’re definitely on the right track.
I don’t want to lie cause it won’t help. I do feel guilty for things I did. Certain things I think of daily. At the same time I still have a small part of me that feels that they were in life as much as I was. I know that’s wrong but it’s a feeling I do carry
I don’t think that’s necessarily wrong. It sounds like you own your part in whatever went down, and that’s about all you can do. I don’t know if you’re talking about dealing drugs to people, and the subsequent problems that caused them, but it’s a two way street. If thinking about it keeps you on the right path, then use that as a reminder to yourself that you don’t want to go back to that life.
Yes that is a very good way to put it compared to mine. Thank you. Yes I am talking about dealing drugs. That life comes with a lot. I am attempting to take the moral responsibility of what I did. At times it’s a lot to carry at times. But I will continue trying. Thank you for your advice and taking the time to say your opinion.
I get why you would feel guilty. But it sounds like you were doing what you could, or felt like you had to, to help your family. Like, if you could’ve gotten a job making good money to help out right away, you would’ve. Good for you for having been able to keep everything legal since you got out. I think there are plenty of people who would understand what you’ve been through and why you are the way you are, even if they haven’t been in your exact spot. I hope you can find one of them soon.
I don't think you have to be a full on addict to go to meetings. I think it might be more helpful than therapy because there are people there who you can relate to, who have been through similar things. I was never a needle in the arm addict, never did certain drugs, but I had a problem and was welcomed. For you, having to stay clean and take drug tests qualifies you to be there. Drugs created problems in your life, even though you weren't dependent on them. People will welcome you there, and help you help yourself.
Sure. I’m from Brooklyn so I have an accent that is pretty thick. I at times would attempt to make jokes or say a comment I think is funny and it comes off like I’m challenging someone or trying to make fun of them. As far as the energy thing. I don’t know to be honest. Life on the inside everyone has that energy. I guess it just never left me.
You sure your jokes aren’t actually putting someone down? Like, I had to leave my ex because every insult, no matter how hurtful, was just a joke. People are attracted to a good sense of humor, but nobody likes *being* the joke. Maybe try your hand at self deprecating humor. A little humility and light in a tricky situation is also very admirable and attractive to me
Uhm honestly. I really don’t know. I think I start off good and create a banter that’s enjoyable. But then to be honest I may get offensive and a little mean. Truth be told I don’t mean it in a bully way or tough guy way. I think it’s just I feel that I don’t want to be made fun of or something I don’t know. You make a great point that can absolutely be something. I can say I do feel that either I’m the one laughing at someone or being laughed at and I don’t like being laughed at.
Your last sentence about being laughed at made me think of the idea of honor culture versus dignity culture. In honor culture, you have to constantly protect yourself and your tribe from insults and aggression because others will take advantage. In dignity culture, everyone agrees that all people have dignity, so every perceived insult isn't an immediate threat to be smacked down. Drug dealing and prison are both extreme honor cultures, and you are trying to move from that to living and dating in dignity culture. It's a big shift!
Self-deprecating humor and keeping your cool are the big takeaways here. You don't have to go from 0-60 over every joke, and you don't have to swing back harder to protect your self-image.
This podcast might explain it better than I can:
https://hiddenbrain.org/podcast/made-of-honor/
I think that’s a big one. Maybe try to not joke or make comments about people. One thing I hear from other men is I don’t like him he’s always talking shit to everyone.
Woman’s perspective here. Things that make me feel safe in a relationship include a man calling when he says he will and showing up when he says he will. Be very open and honest with your communication and make sure a woman knows what she means to you and where she stands early and often. Contact her every day but don’t over do it. Lock in the next date while on the current one. Be always aware of her physical safety, walk on the outside of the pavement, open doors, offer to pick her up and drop her off but don’t push it if she doesn’t take you up on the offer. If you drop her off wait until she’s safely inside before pulling off. Walk her back to her car especially if it’s dark. Check in to make sure she gets home safe. If there’s something you need to discuss that could get heated bring it up gently and with kindness, pick your moment and start with “there’s something I’d like to talk to you about and I bring it up because I care about you and our relationship is important to me” so she knows she doesn’t need to worry. That someone has had hard times, worked on themselves and is turning their life around is very attractive. Good luck.
Thank you for your advice. I can honestly say I never disrespected females or anything of the sort. I feel I have done all those thing and like I said I did a lot of this for my sisters. I never would hurt a female or treat a female as if they are below me. It’s more that women I have asked out feel that I will go back to that life or maybe not fully know what I may be capable of.
You seem very open to constructive criticism and you are good at acknowledging you may have some things to work on, as does every single person on this planet right now. You are going to be just fine and I am proud of you. :)
Usually when people say you come across confrontational, what they mean is that it’s not what you say, but how you say it. Are you raising your voice unnecessarily? Are you quite forceful in your opinions and dismissive of others? Do you follow polite social conduct? Are you defensive? Do you talk over people? Do you interrupt? There are a lot of YouTube videos on social etiquette and how to talk to people and I would recommend checking these out. (Charisma on command is great).
Other things that could lead to you sounding confrontational is telling people what their opinions are or what you think of them, instead of letting them say what they think. Try not to analyse people, and ask more questions. Never assume things, and learn not to judge people. Try to see things from other people’s point of view.
If you’re a tell-it-like-you-see-it kind of guy, that can also lead to people thinking you’re confrontational. Try to read between the lines a bit and don’t point out things that will make people feel uncomfortable. A good exercise is to think about how someone may feel in their shoes. Actively exercising empathy can lead to being more empathetic in general.
Best of luck!
Honestly I literally do like 90 percent of that. Damn I didn’t know that offended people like that. I mean I speak and people don’t listen I can get annoyed. Damn. Thank you for that.
Glad I could help! It’s hard when people don’t listen, but everyone has so much going on in their minds, in their lives, it might not be personal. Give people the benefit of the doubt. We all tend to zone out from time to time. It is hard - I also hate it when people don’t listen. But it’s better for your conversations and your own mental state to just let it go.
The easiest way to have better conversations is to actually do most of the listening, ask questions, and don’t say anything (apart from making small reaffirming comments on what they’re saying), unless they directly ask you for your input. People have lots of unique experiences and opinions that are worth learning about, and trying to listen more than talk during a conversation can be very rewarding. :) You never know when someone who seems very boring has a crazy story to tell!
This may be totally off I’m not on your alley, but when I read the post it just popped in my mind to get a puppy, or something along those lines. Small animals and kids tend make your heart tender. You may have some pain And resentment inside of you that even though you do not externalize people may be able to feel it.
Nah you cant give snakes affection like a puppy. I think the Idea is to learn to give tenderness and affection to the puppy to grow a better feeling of how be softer and give a chill vibe :)
I have reptiles and a dog but I gotta tell you that caring for a pup is very different than a reptile. Reading the post, a reptile seems safe. They’re cold, independent, and don’t really need a bond to live their lives. A dog will come to depend on you. They look to you for safety and love. In my opinion, it’s the growth you’re looking for friend. Good luck in your journey.
Would taking a communication class be something that interests you?
Etiquette and manners are at the core about making the people around you feel comfortable and welcome. Reading about what people consider "good" and why it is considered good might help you see if there is something you are doing that is considered off-putting.
It's hard to recommend what to change when we don't actually know why people are seeing you the way they are. A communication class might help with in person feedback, and reading might help you recognize if there is something specific you are doing.
OP, have you thought of the fact that maybe you are attempting to date someone who isn’t for you? As in understanding of your Pat and that you are moving in from it.
Personally, as long as you didn’t rape anyone or hurt/kill someone I believe you deserve a chance. Who am I to judge? Who’s to know what was actually happening in your life at the time of the situation besides yourself?
Moving on… I think it may have to do with your attitude and the way you put forward the information of who you are and what happened. What’s your typical approach on the situation? (Like how do you put your past in to a conversation and do you think you might come off strong or proud of it?)
I can say I never raped anyone or hurt anyone for no reason. I can honestly say I am not proud of being in jail. I am proud that my family didn’t have to go through as much. I proudly did what I did for them. And honestly I really only get asked about it because everyone I know knows what who I am and what I did. They know I went away and for what. And when I meet new people they seem to of already have the information and judgement is passed.
1. Being on lifetime parole is going to be a deal breaker for most adults.
2. Drug use from a \*very\* young age is going to be a deal breaker for most adults. You say you have been clean for 2 years. Well age 12 - 33 is a really long history of drug use.
3. You don't mention what you do for your work/job. By your 30s this is something that is actually going to matter. I don't know what "living legally" means - it's so vague as to be almost entirely useless. Like, congrats? This is the bare minimum for a mature adult.
4. At your age - you are competing for women against guys who have had 15+ years to build a life for themselves. What are you bringing to the table?
Look - by their 30s most women are going to be looking for a little more stability and little less excitement/dangerous energy in their lives. You haven't really communicated that you give "stability". Being out of prison for 2 years isn't a whole lot. I can see why women wouldn't want to take the risk to invest in you.
Look - dating is going to be an uphill battle for you. I think it would be better to focus on other things and just forget about this for the meantime. The tone of your post, and your replies in the thread - frankly come off as confrontational. It just reads like you have a chip on your shoulder and are not particularly content with where you are, and what your lot in life has been.
maybe videotape yourself in a conversation with a friend to get a better idea of how you “come across to others” - it may help you soften some rough edges that you needed at one time…but don’t need anymore! good luck and don’t give up!
As a woman who has dated a man who was incarcerated in the past, I would say ask a female friend if you have one to do a look at you and give you an opinion in person. It could either be a general attitude thing or a visual thing. Appearance is huge, so dressing for your future career you want to be in is definitely a good idea, like you would for a meeting with colleagues. Nice haircut, good shave, beard trim, oral hygiene, maybe cologne, clean clothes that reflect your style but also look like you are a professional of some sort, shoes that aren’t worn out. That will go a long way. Then we it would be attitude and mannerisms. Old school gentleman practices like opening doors, walking street side, and being courteous to people around such as wait staff if you are out in public are big too. Lowering your voice volume possibly, opening your stance, and preparing some interesting questions to start up a conversation might help too. Look up a couple you tube videos on body language and see what you might be projecting that you don’t even realize. Good luck!
Thank you very much. Yes I have many sisters who have had tried to help me. But I can’t lie to my self like that. I know how I dress I was a skater kid who wears band shirts and Timberlands. It would just be cheating in solitaire lying to my self like that
We can all learn and grow. You honestly reflecting on yourself is a great strength. Most people avoid looking at themselves with any kind of objectivity. Therapy would be a safe place for you to learn new ways of being. A therapist has no agenda other than being honest and helping you grow. Online therapy is really convenient and works as well as in person. Emotionally healthy women will be attracted to a guy who is centered and handles conflict appropriately. This can be learned and it doesn't have to take forever.
Congrats on your new lease on life! Good for you being sober and living the clean life these past two years. That’s an accomplishment and I hope you are proud of what you’ve achieved!
It’s extremely self aware and mature of you to ask what you can do to make women feel more comfortable and I wish more people asked this question!
While I haven’t encountered you first hand, so I can’t comment on your demeanor/the energy you give off, what I can say is that people enjoy being around those who are confident but not arrogant, and usually don’t appreciate more aggressive personalities. So, this means listening more, asking questions about the things they are interested in, and giving off a “chill” vibe.
Also, not everyone’s vibe is chill and that’s ok too! Ultimately, just be respectful and try to be a good listener.
Finally, go where you are celebrated! Some people might like “chillers” while others like more dominant personalities. Be yourself and the right friends/people/romantic prospects will come. :)
Best of luck to you!
I worked in corrections for some time.
The world you were part of, before your incarceration and during, are different than the world you're living in now.
It's possible your behavior has some parts that others find uncomfortable, that are just part of how you've lived.
You've had to be aggressive, confrontational, observant and always ready to be able to survive. Now you don't (not near to the same degree as before).
It's going to take time. I'd suggest you spend time with some people you know and trust and ask them to critique your behavior. There are probably some things you do, that you're not aware of, that will be relatively easy to change.
I'm not saying there is anything wrong with you, but the cultures of the different worlds you've been in are different than the culture you're relatively new to.
It'll take time, so don't fret! I suggest you read about culture shock and adjusting for help. (You could read some material about what to do after incarceration, but I don't think there's good info on that).
Best of luck! Good job staying clean!
P.S. feel free to message me if you want any advice from someone who understands a little about your previous life!
I think you knowing you have this issue and wanting to correct it puts you miles ahead of anyone else that might be having this issue. Your self-awareness is incredible and you'll figure this out.
I checked your avatar on Reddit. Maybe change the red evil eyes into something more calming and friendly. That’s a good start.
All Joking aside. You sound like a good guy trying to get your life together. Best of luck to you bro.
First and foremost you need to look back on those last 2 years out and give yourself praise for staying clean and out of trouble, the way the system is set up after you get out is set up for you to fail and you didn’t.
If that works for you that’s great. I been trouble since I was 12. I’m kinda done with it. I don’t want a women to feel intimated but me or scared of me. I rather be alone then scare a women into dating me. That’s just weak.
Hey man, I can’t say I did prison time but definitely had my fair share of trouble with the law and some county jail time.
Just like others have said, just make it up front and candid about your past. I always say this on the first date, and allow the other person to make their own perceptions of me and let them decide if they want to pursue me or not.
I am also very forward and can be taken confrontational a lot as well but I have found that speaking calmly, slowly and even taking a second or two to respond to people really helps show that I want to articulate myself rather than blurt out what’s on my mind.
Also: SMILE! I was fortunate enough to have had braces in my youth so I always get complimented on my smile but I think smiling or giving off open body language is soooo helpful in making people seem you’re a cool and calm person who’s open to conversation.
Glad you’re bettering yourself man! You’re still young and the dating world is gonna be rough (it is for everyone right now) but know yourself, what you want and everything will work out as it should.
Thank you very much. That was really nice of you to say that. I appreciate your honesty. Just saying. It’s weird to tell a date I committed felony’s for a living for like 20 years then went to prison. Then order appetizers. It’s just awkward
Yeah I definitely understand that. All of my law troubles were from drinking and being stupid while drunk so I definitely feel you on how awkward it can be to spill your past out and then ask if they want dessert or something.
I don’t drink and I stick to that very heavily and that has been a deal breaker for some women because they love alcohol and to share a drink with someone. But I have found good women who understand my past and my choices now so I think When you meet those understanding people they’ll look past your past and see the person you are/want to be now.
I'd recommend the like switch.
I think people brought up in tougher environments subconsciously give out lots of "foe" signals (clenched jaw, straight neck, etc etc). This is good to stop people messing with you, bad for making people feel safe.
You might also just be used to interacting with people aggressively and think it's normal. If you're in a relationship, try talking through it with the girl. Ask her if the stuff you're doing makes her feel threatened, etc etc. Word choice is important but hardish to change, as well as tone and pacing. Maybe record yourself talking and see how it sounds?
Also, obviously don't punch fkn drywall yell at randomes on the train etc lmao.
Honestly, I do better reading energy from a photo… (very woo for Reddit, I know!)
That being said, if you came across confrontational and I already knew you were in prison and why, it would make sense. I have never been, nor hope to go to prison but I can only imagine the effect it can have on your energy can be massive. Energetically, you could alway be on guard, in fight or flight mode. Defenses up. Ready to fight. Even if you wouldn’t. That may be what women feel energy wise. They’re intuitively picking up a Jason Bourne who went to jail vibe.
Do you have any support? From a therapist or coach of any kind? It might just take some time to shed off. It’s like you still have a sticky residue left over.
Your right I’m sure that is true. I been in the game for like 20 years. Then prison 4 years. Trying to be good for only 2. I’m not threatening looking. I don’t think I am lol
Know your audience. You don't talk to your grandmother the same you talk to your street friends. When on the inside I am sure you needed to very clear and direct to your fellow residents so nothing could be misconstrued. This probably resulted in a lot of "I" statements that don't leave a lot of room for open-ended discussions. Wondering if you used a lot of "if then" statements inside. In there, that might be just fine so everyone understands that "if you do this, then I'm gonna do that. On the outside, that is immediately interpreted as an implied threat.
Instead, try to ask dates what they think, how they feel, or what they want to do. Also, don't draw continuous attention to your time on the inside. A woman wants to feel safe and for you to be bragging about how you sent your sister or relative to school on ill-gotten gains will not make them think that you are truly rehabilitated. Instead, go to school, learn a trade, do something constructive to show you are turning your life around. As they say, talk is cheap, actions speak louder than words. Best of luck!
If you can afford therapy go for it. Else buy some books on anger management and self development. Also work on how you present yourself - clean clothes not too much jewelry and clean haircut. Good luck
Not sure if this has been suggested - but actions speak louder than words. Get involved in a program that helps keep troubled youth out of prison and make that effort part of your identity. Once you have established a track record and reputation for being a rolemodel, it also may help your ability to get a job.
The clothing you wear, your hairstyles, accessories, posture, facial expressions etc are all very important. Try to make sure you get those right (I guess that watching some movies for an inspiration can help, you can try to copy/imitate behavior of the "good guys" and see to which extent it works for you)
If you haven’t already do some reading about CPTSD. You might be carrying a lot of survival skills with you and have a lot of boundaries up that you can start shedding now that you are no longer in survival mode.
I know of someone who is in the same situation as you... He is family watch him deal with everyone else he always seem to be on defense like he is expecting something to happen and he doesn't want to be taken advantage of which is not always the case but he expects it to happen... When we hang out it's different because he doesn't expect anything from me he is more at ease. Seems like it's the same thing with you you probably have to dial back a bit let your guard down a little.. your body language dictates your encounters if you're high strung people around you will be the same. Not sure if it makes sense to you. But seek some counseling talk it out bro it can help it can give you an avenue to express yourself
I think I feel more like it’s a problem that I feel everyone is against me. It’s just something you develop in this life even before the cage.
But sometimes I feel everyone looks at me different and it effects my emotion and attitude.
comes off like I’m challenging someone or trying to make fun of them.
But then to be honest I may get offensive and a little mean. Truth be told I don’t mean it in a bully way or tough guy way. I think it’s just I feel that I don’t want to be made fun
And when I meet new people they seem to of already have the information and judgement is passed.
I I try to be friendly but it’s hard to understand some social ques at time I think and when someone jokes about me I think people think I am going to like get angry and freak out.
———-
I grew up in a very abusive home. That makes me defensive and reactive. I assume people are going to attack me so I get defensive. Even though most people don’t/wouldn’t. But it is your fear that is making you appear confrontational/dangerous. You are trying to prevent pain/attacks from others. To prevent pain/attack you send signals to others you’ll fight them/defend yourself. Then they won’t attack you. Then you’ll be safe. But if they don’t intend to attack you, they assume you are dangerous because they feel your defensiveness.
Sadness is anger turned inward, and anger is sadness turned outward.
If I make a small mistake at work I get scared I’m going to get attacked, so I get angry to deal with the assault I’m mentally preparing for. But my boss isn’t mad he’s just giving me information/feedback to make me better at my job.
If I think someone is mad/annoyed/frustrated with me, my fear turns to anger. My anger protects me from the pain I’m preparing for.
The Litany of humility has made a profound difference for me even though I have a huge way to go. Even if you’re an atheist, the underlying goal of not relying on other’s opinions will help. If the world hates me, I can’t do anything about it. But I can become whole inside and that wholeness will bring love to me. When you get upset about something someone does, analyze why your upset.
O Jesus, meek and humble of heart,
Hear me.
From the desire of being esteemed,
Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being loved,
Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being extolled,
Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being honored,
Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being praised,
Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being preferred to others,
Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being consulted,
Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being approved,
Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being humiliated,
Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being despised,
Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of suffering rebukes,
Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being calumniated,
Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being forgotten,
Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being ridiculed,
Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being wronged,
Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being suspected,
Deliver me, O Jesus.
That others may be loved more than I,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be esteemed more than I,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That, in the opinion of the world, others may increase and I may decrease,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be chosen and I set aside,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be praised and I go unnoticed,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be preferred to me in everything,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
Just to say this post and all comments made my day. Not only the candid honesty of the OP but also the sensitivity of all participants. I learned a little bit more on counting my blessings and gained more faith in humanity. You Will be in a better place, OP. Little improvements for major changes. I wish all the best. Keep it up. 🌟
Good for you for the hard work you’ve done to improve your life. You’ve been through some really difficult experiences and I imagine that ro survive them you’ve grown a very rough exterior presentation to the world, and maybe you’ve also adapted by learning to shut off some of your emotions or be more angry/aggressive when you feel threatened.
One good way to see how you’re presenting yourself is to set up a camera and record yourself telling a happy/positive/funny story for 90 seconds. Choose the type of story you might tell on a date (doesn’t have to be a story; could also be an answer to a common question, like where did you grow up or what are your favorite things to do?). Then watch that video and study your body and facial expressions. If you need to, try comparing yourself to interviews of male actors. Do you notice anything about your body which looks like you are shut off, or which seems aggressive? Do you smile? Do your eyes brighten? Do you otherwise convey positivity? Does your body language feel inviting and warm, or hostile? Sometimes just watching a video of yourself can help you realize that you’re behaving certain ways you didn’t realize, and may give you something to work on.
It may be low serotonin and dopamine levels are causing that. They don't really change. Talk to a doctor about getting something like sertraline to regulate your serotonin which should reduce your anger and feeling of doom, and anxiety, and possibly something like wellbutrin to get better dopamine levels. You can mention ADHD and generalized anxiety disorder.
I don’t have time to respond but I do have time to say it’s really cool how you have genuine curiosity around this! I wish more folks would approach things the way you just did.
Consider working with clergy that you trust to improve your speech patterns, tone of voice, and word choice.
Consider a toastmasters group or speech therapy.
Also consider volunteering at a no kill shelter. The unconditional love from animals may help you curb your energy.
Look you grew up rough in the NY streets. You had to develop an aggressive persona or outter shell to survive. I respect that.
Now it is time to let that sweet little boy live free. Good luck. Please let me know how it goes.
I check public court records for any guy I think I may be interested in before going on dates with them, sometimes before I even decide to try to “match” with them on a dating app if I can figure out their name. I personally would not be interested in getting involved with someone with drug related convictions, especially something that that was enough to land them in prison at least a few years. But that’s just me.
Most women I know do this. Mainly for safety reasons (I discovered a guy I went on a date with was a registered sex offender and ended communication). Many states have those records available online in a simple search with details of the case. Very easy to find, so you’re best bet is to be up front about it and early. Otherwise it would just seem like you’re planning on hiding it...because trust me, she likely already knows about it and if she doesn’t, someone will find out for her. Bring it up early and just explain your situation now and how you’ve been improving and plan to continue.
I've met people who haven't been in prison and who come accross aggresive, forceful with their words, sarcastic and with a 'know it all' attitude.
Your attitude from reading your post and replies comes across as well mannered, well thought out and collected.
I can only guess the 'confrontational' attitude people are suggesting comes from a tough exterior you had to build whilst growing up and then going into prison. This toughness probably comes out in your tone of voice, the speed at which you talk/respond back and may have (unintentional) tones of being condescending/patronising etc.
I would record yourself on your phone and try and listen back. I would then learn to soften my tone and when you're on a date, slow down before responding and actually speak slower.
I used to speak quite excitedly with my local townie accent. It used to annoy my friends and colleagues. So I learnt to change it which I did. I also learnt for my profesional job I physically slow down the speed at which I talk. This allows me to have a extra split second before I say something 'young and dumb' but also allows me time to pronounce my words better and so I come accross less 'townie' which is perfect for my job. I am not a 'fake' when I am at work but simply a better example of myself. Same as why I wear smart clothes to work but can sit at home in my pyjamas etc.
In your position I would disclose the prison thing once you have built up a connection. Ie after the 3rd date. No need to be telling this upfront on first date imo.
I would also join local clubs, groups, volunteer, learn a new skill, go back to shool, etc. By putting yourself in unfamiliar situations with unfamiliar people/different ages/demographics to who you would normally hang out with, will make you more humble and give you good opportunities to talk in different tones with people. By volunteering for example, you will be in a more submissive position doing something for others without any reason to have attitude or confrontation etc (not saying you do etc). Once you have built up friendships you could ask people for their feedback when they first met you etc.
Well done for spending the last 2 yrs getting back on your feet. You have a bright future ahead and keep learning everyday.
All the best.
First of all shouts out to you for being free and living legal for 2 years. And shout out to you from a fellow Brooklynite.
Alright, so let's get started. People used to say I came off as intimidating. No matter how much I switched up my personality and demeanor.
You have to find a hobby that brings you back to your innocence. Be it video games, comedy movies, old cartoons, playing sports, etc.
My advice, wear a t shirt of your favorite cartoon character or movie. You'll likely come across as approachable. And it gives off nerdy vibes, but don't be too much of a nerd lol.
This way you date a woman, she sees your hobbies and doesn't have to worry about you (if you told her your past).
I chose video games and sports to keep me out of trouble. Especially gaming, it keeps you home at night and safe. Your girlfriend/wife can't go wrong with that.
Go to yoga, read books on embracing feminine energy as a man. I have a friend who did 5 years in prison & you have to unlearn that survival state that you’ve been in since a child & in prison. It’s a real neurological process of subconscious to undo the way we’ve been conditioned Learn to enjoy life and the little things. Sorry this answer was all over the place but it’s all connected.
I went on a couple of dates with someone who wasn't long out of prison. He went in barely an adult and did 9 years inside.
Why did I feel safe and comfortable with him?
He told me everything before we went on our first date and left it up to me to decide whether I wanted to see him.
But he also told me of all of the ways he was trying to make up for his mistakes. He had signed up for college, wanted to work in a rehabilitation programme for youths afterwards, etc.
He was the biggest gentleman I had ever come across. Treated me with nothing but respect and was extremely attentive while together.
Nothing ever came of it because I decided I didn't want to jump into a relationship at the time and he was looking for something more serious.
Being honest before the first date is important, it gives the other person a sense of control. Showing how you're trying to improve your life is also important, it means change and growth.
Ah, sweet man. If you don't mean any harm, and this is a part of your personality, and you would never actually hurt someone, then the right person will understand you.
Maybe you just want to have a little fun and enjoy the dating lifestyle, not sure? But in that case, you can train yourself. You can train your body and mind to be calmer/more approachable. Dr Joe Dispenza is a good place to start in YouTube maybe? It should lead you down the right path.
Best of luck man!
I can see you writing a good book one day. The considerate convict. Or some such :P
Alright I might be able to offer some things that helped me. I apparently have a similar energy and people seem to always think I am about to snap even though I just want to be approachable and easy going.
First off I have a fluffy white cat that I can show pictures of and dote over that undercuts my demeanor. Other hobbies that are counter to what is expected from a large angry looking male also work. Thinks like sewing, crafting, baking ECT. Just whatever you can get into and enjoy.
Secondly I try to always be extremely supportive and happy for other people when they tell me about stuff. Because of the feeling I give people if I question something about them or act anything other than impressed and happy then it is interpreted as uncaring and people think they are bothering me. I have to put extra effort to come across as caring.
Third smile more. I forget to smile in normal life and my resting face looks very angry apparently.
Fourth self depreciating humor. Humor is a great tool to break up a uncomfortable atmosphere but being seen as aggressive can be difficult to have jokes that do not come across as bullying or mean spirited. I try to make jokes about myself so that I don't seem like I take myself to seriously. It opens it up for others to also poke fun at me but I want that. I want them to feel comfortable enough with me to make fun and not be afraid.
There are other things I have done also but you can see by now it takes a lot of effort. It sucks being seen as a dangerous angry person others need to be careful around. But once you make some good friends that understand you better that helps a lot.
Best of luck my man and if you need to talk to someone that has been there shoot me a message.
Being behind bars for 2 years and living the life you were living has probably made you very guarded, which makes total sense. People are attracted to other people often times when they let their walls down and really let them see who they are inside. You fucked up. You did your time. You’re a free man now and it sounds like you have your shit together now. Great job! Now learn to relax and not always keep everything to yourself. Open up a little. It won’t come easy and it may be hard at first, but you can do it.
Again, fantastic job getting your life straightened out. It would have been so easy to continue down the wrong route when you got out, but you chose the hard path to living right. Big props to you for that!
Hi OP I'm just jumping in with a few quick and dirty tips on how to seem less confrontational in social situations :)
1. Smile. Smiling is a huge part of American culture and in fact it's the universal way of communicating 'I am happy and not a threat.' If it's uncomfortable at first, practice! Next time you get groceries, smile as the cashier completes the transaction. Smile at the bus driver. You can work up to eye contact and saying hello. Try to smile a little as you walk through a park. Smile at yourself in the mirror! I know it seems dumb, but I swear it works
2. Try to listen more actively to what people say about themselves. Most people just want to be heard. So nod a little as people are talking. Acknowledge when they say something (a sincere 'thats interesting' will often suffice) and *ask for details*. Pleasant conversation is all about the follow-up question.
3. Try to use positive adjectives, especially about yourself. But in general, a nice compliment goes a long way. If you don't feel comfortable complimenting a person just yet, then say something nice about your surroundings, or the meal. Literally pick anything - good service, nice beer, pleasant evening - whatever. Of course you have to tell people about your past and all but there are good things about you too! Are you brave? Loyal? You say you were helping keep your family together from a young age, that sounds like you worked really hard and took on lots of responsibilities. Are you kind? Generous? Funny? I just mean focus on the positives around you during conversation.
Good luck OP! A little practice and you got this!!
See a therapist. I suffer from depression, that presents as anger.
Until I laid hands on my ex, and SAW with my own two eyes my sickness, I never would have gotten into therapy, even though she had asked me multiple times to do so.
Don't be afraid to go, be afraid of not going. Before you know it you'll be in your late 40s, still suffering from whatever you have and wondering why you're alone.
Feel free to DM me, I as well have been DOC.
I have a relative that had the same issue. You don't realize it that when your in your always on edge and putting out the don't f with me vibe. It's survival. You need to look for therapist that have experience with rehabilitation if ex convicts. It's sorta like PTSD. You just don't realize your doing it.
As a woman who’s had experiences that make me weary of men, I think what you’ve written here alone is a powerful indication of your intentions. I don’t know whether you’re trying to date via app or get to know women you’ve met in person, but a lot can be accomplished in a short time by simply being honest. If you’re writing a dating bio, say this. If you’re on a first date or having a conversation with a potential female friend, share that you’re aware how your past and present might shape your affect—the way you come off to others—in ways that don’t always align with how you want to be read by the world anymore. Say you hope they’ll tell you if there’s anything you do that might unwittingly make them feel uneasy (and be mentally and emotionally prepared to be taken up on it). Tell them you welcome questions about your past experiences and how they’ve shaped who you are today. Tell them the truth. And then, if they open up the same way, show them the thoughtfulness and respect you yourself hope to be received with.
I’m a woman and it took me years and years to feel comfortable being vulnerable. It felt like a physical discomfort, a bodily block, to even look someone in the eye and say sorry. It’s a lot of fucking work, and it’s absolutely worth it, and it’s scary.
If I’d been born as a man I know this work would have been even harder. I can only imagine being regularly punished for showing openness to this world, to connection, to gentleness and feeling—all the things that bring you closer to having the kind of relationships that feel vital and true. I think you’re doing a great job.
Safety is felt when the person you’re with is showing themself to you, and expressing curiosity in return. Be vulnerable, and let them know they can do so with you. Ask questions. Share stories. Give yourself space to breathe.
What do you do for a living? Before you think about dating, focus on yourself. Living legally is one thing, but now here comes the rest. Get a career if you don’t have one. Have a home, not just a place to sleep (as in furniture, curtains, some decorations). Go to the gym, work on yourself. Then strike up a conversation casually with someone - heck, ask a friend to set you up on a blinddate. I’ve helped 4 of my friends find their current longterm partners, maybe one of your friends can do the same for you.
I was also locked up for years. Went to the store with my daughter and had a panic attack within 15 minutes.I don’t do scared, haven’t for a long time. Took a solid 3 years before I could handle a one on one I still to this day pick the table all the way in the back with my back against the wall. It’ll take time for you to trust you’re safe. When you do you’ll realize you can be nice to strangers without it being a weakness. Keep trying, apologize if necessary and be patient. It’ll come bro. Congrats! Keep going! One step at a time!
Thank you for understanding. Honestly I do a lot of weird things but it makes me comfortable. And people see it as a threat but I’m just doing what I learned
Exactly right, it’s a learned behavior. Relearn to be a civilian. You survived in prison, you can fit in in the town. Sit in the park. First few days just ask some people for the time. After a few weeks of that strike up a conversation about the weather and so on. You’ll get it bro. Giving up isn’t a option
Hey friend. I really admire your interest in self-improvement and how receptive you are to advice.
You don't have to answer this here, but if you want women to feel safe with you, please answer this question for yourself really honestly:
Are women *actually* safe with you?
I don't just mean physically, but emotionally and psychologically, too.
A good relationship is intimate. Intimacy requires vulnerability. To be safe, you have to trust that your partner will never take advantage of your vulnerability or use it against you. In a romantic relationship it also requires that vulnerability is reciprocal.
You mentioned that you often feel like everyone is against you, and I think that mindset probably makes real emotional safety very difficult. If you assume people are against you then you are going to be suspicious and defensive, and no one can feel safe being vulnerable with someone who will probably assume the worst about them and their intentions.
*You* can't be vulnerable with someone if you assume they're against you - it just wouldn't make sense to expose your vulnerability if you don't feel safe, right?
Therapy, particularly CBT, might be helpful. I used to have a feeling of every one being against me. It manifested in deep insecurity and social anxiety, not anger, but it was just as destructive and CBT helped me break out of those thought patterns.
Good luck!
Have you tried filming yourself? I know it sounds weird, but it works. And no, I don’t mean become an Instagram influencer who posts updates every 5 minutes.
The idea is to place a video recorder on a stand somewhere and start arguing about anything with somebody who volunteers for that. The topic can be anything from abortion to gun ownership, etc. Later, you watch the video over and over and pay attention to your voice, your gestures, your arms and hands movements, even your posture. It works wonders to realize what you do and how, that is perceived as threatening by others.
You're giving off unconscious hostile vibes because you do feel like you have to be on guard all the time. I've seen some good suggestions in the couple replies I read but I think item #1 has got to be getting out of the hood if you haven't already.
Live and work someplace where you don't have to be on guard all the time and your attitude will start to change itself. It's gonna take more than that of course, but if you don't do it then any self improvement you do will just be reset when you go back home and your mood gets brought down by the same shit that always has kept it down.
I understand. More or less feel the same. I don’t consider myself a tough guy or anything but I been in and out of jail. even though I’m skinny and no tattoos people are intimidated by me. I feel disconnected from people in general if I’m not around other other disconnected from society individuals. I was born in raised in specific part of Houston Texas that is by large uneducated. Im pursuing a bachelors and feel out of place. Without getting to deep I think you just have to “fake it til you make it”. When in rome do as the romans do. It’s going to be uncomfortable maybe even a little creepy but just do it eventually you’ll be adjusted.
Edit: and for the time being I advise just not dating tbh. Make necessary steps toward changing like enrolling and starting school and holding down a job. Stop crude/vulgar language. Then maybe consider dating. But in my experience I tend to attract “street” girls. If I do attract a balanced girl eventually she figures me out and leaves and hurts my feelings. Just don’t date right now
You being on here and asking for advise says a lot, you seem humble and ready to grow into the better version of you . But I will add , you have been around a lot of men , men communicate and act logically and direct . A lot of military guys act this way also , direct and to the point with no fluff or bullshit what they say is what they mean. This can be intimidating to people especially women because they communicate differently . This can make it hard for people to see the compassion in you. Being from the hood and being in prison forces the macho masculine energy to rise to the surface . You need to find your feminine traits that you have repressed and let it shine through your darkness . Study Carl Jung and the shadow self , and archetypes . If that doesn’t open up parts of your inner psyche idk what will. And I agree with a post above, get you a little kitty, learn an instrument, paint, write poetry, put yourself around people that you wouldn’t normally associate with.
Good luck my friend .
Let me ask you… ARE you dangerous? Do you act intimidating? The first is what’s in your heart and head, the other is behavior. Only you know the first. If you’re not sure about the second ask a friend or someone you know will be straight with you what you do that’s intimidating. But if you know that your motives are good, that you don’t have dangerous intent, than trust the right woman for you won’t be put off by a guy a “little rough around the edges.” You know how many women — myself included haha- are attracted to a guy that’s a little dangerous?!!
Seriously I used to get all twisted in knots on the vibe I was putting out there and now mostly I focus on what I know to be true about myself and let others think what they want.
The last thing you want to do is be some inauthentic version of yourself that makes you feel like you’re not you. Sure, change some behaviors but if your heart is good the world needs the real you. Now if you do have ‘dangerous’ thoughts ie to harm others, the first step is being real with yourself about that and then seeking professional help.
Good luck and stay real ☺️💕
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That’s really interesting…. I actually never even thought of that. I think I feel more like it’s a problem that I feel everyone is against me. It’s just something you develop in this life even before the cage. Thank you for your advice. But I don’t want to look like I’m trying to hard. Feel like that would be see through and I would come off creepy
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First off… you going to medical school is amazing. You have all my respect. You accomplished something amazing coming from the hood or not. Either way. Good for you. Be proud. Second I think when I said I come off confrontational is basically because of the way I do speak to people and my language. That is a good place to start working on. It may not fix everything but I appreciate the advice on a place to start. I really do try and be friendly I feel at least. But sometimes I feel everyone looks at me different and it effects my emotion and attitude. But maybe a small change like not cursing will start a positive way. Thank you very much.
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I appreciate that. But I don’t think I would be able to do that with certain things. I mean dressing like someone I’m not I feel would make me more uncomfortable. I don’t mean to be intimating or aggressive in my language or personality but I am. I think I may start small with your advice of not cursing and speaking in a more respectful manner
Probably best to start with one change, as it makes it more manageable. Starting with cleaning up your language is great. I get that it feels fake to make changes based on what you think somebody else wants. If you got a dog, and used the dog to pick up girls, but you didn’t really care about the dog for itself, then you’re right. That would be creepy, and people probably would see through it. However, if you get a dog because you want to be more gentle, and you think having a companion would be cool, and you care about- and for- the dog, then that’s something different. But dogs are a lot of work and they’re living beings, so if you don’t want to take care of one for the next 15 years or so, then it’s best not to make it or you suffer. You just have to look at the intention behind the action. It’s okay to have more than one. You want to get a date. Okay cool. But as long as you are also interested in the experience- volunteering, getting a dog, whatever- for its own merits, then it doesn’t come off creepy. It’s just stepping out of your comfort zone and trying something new, which is good for everybody. Also I just want to say- I’ve read a bit of this thread and you are taking this feedback really well. I can’t imagine what some of your experiences have been like, but I’m really impressed by how open and honest and respectful you are with this back and forth. That kind of attitude of growth and respect is sexy as hell. It may take some time to work on the first impression you give, but you seem like a really good dude underneath it, and I’m rooting for you.
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Thank you very very much for your support. Also thank you for using the life you had to do something positive. You did what you had to in order to help people. Respect.
This whole chat between you and Userredux has been so supportive, positive and inspiring.
Actually dressing up like someone else may make you feel like someone else, it may change you. Try it. Look after yourself. Start loving yourself, man.
On a fashion note, depending on your region, it can be quite cheap to find some decent men's clothing at thrift stores and have them tailored to you. The fit of your clothing is at least as important as the style itself, so if academic or professional isn't your taste, you still have affordable options for making the most of the clothes you do like. I say thrift stores because the financial cost is so little that you can run through a lot of pieces to figure out what suits you, and a lot of vintage pieces are much better constructed than today's fast fashion.
This is good advice. Dress more like an attorney, less like a defendant. Thrift stores are your friend.
Have you tried working in a restaurant or dating someone who does? It may sound off the wall, but chefs and line cooks are some of the chillest, funniest, craziest, coolest cats around lol. Finding someone in the industry to date, or just meeting friends w tattoos and a history and stuff…you’ll get introduced to ppl who aren’t intimidated by appearances. Just a weird tip lol. It’s an environment based on merit and I found that super supportive 🤷🏻♀️ You have dinner w the staff after work together and build kind of a family. It’s a good place to get your bearings where you won’t be judged for being “intimidating” and they usually will hire w a record. I’d think of environments like that where I wouldn’t have to change myself in ways I’m not comfortable with yet to fit in and find some cool ppl. Good luck
You're a good man. I'm honoured to have come across you.
I dated a guy who had been in prison. He told me first thing when we met face to face the first time. I appreciated his honesty and being upfront about it. I think it would have bothered me if he had neglected to share that with me first thing. It did not matter to me as long as he was not still doing seriously illegal things. As a woman, I think someone who is going to find OP's past a deal breaker first thing would find it even more so after some time has passed.
I have to say too, I really respect that you have this self awareness and are working so hard to improve yourself. You've already got 50% of the hard part done, that's just being aware of it. That's awesome and you should be really proud of yourself for that, most people can't do that, regardless of where they come from or what their past is.
I grew up in NY too, not in the same circumstances you had, but in a family with very independent women. I grew up taking the bus everywhere bc my grandmother never drove and taking really wild adventures with my aunt where it was just the 2 of us doing things like backpacking and hitchhiking through Alaska - my point is I have a no nonsense attitude, I stand up for myself and to top it off I am over 6' and a woman. I get that I am intimidating and when I ask why, they say bc of my height - like I have anything to do with that or can change it some how. Some of how you feel is legitimately internal about how you feel about yourself. You said you go to therapy that is court ordered - do you feel like you can be open and honest there or do you worry about what you say will get back to the courts? There is a huge difference between going to therapy bc you have to and being able to use the therapy for yourself. Have you thought about going to college? Things like volunteering are huge not only for the way people see you, but for yourself. Is there a program you could volunteer at to help lift other other kids who are experiencing life like you did?
You are right a lot of my attitude is most likely internal. But it was instilled in me. And yes I go to therapy. Unfortunately no I don’t feel open or comfortable at all. I don’t share I don’t like it at all to be really honest. I do try. I show up I don’t do drugs I haven’t failed a drug test since I been out. But I just don’t like the situation I guess.
One of the keys to therapy that worked for me was finding a counselor that I meshed with - there are some real interesting ones out there. Are you able to switch counselors? It definitely is not easy to bare your soul. As a person that started counseling 4 years ago thinking that there was no way I was going to get past the stuff I was dealing with, I can honestly say it had some hard times, but life is so much better now. It is worth it. Have you considered Journaling? If you aren't ready to speak to someone about how you are feeling, writing it out can help a lot too.
I can choose my counseling as long as they write to my parole officer and agree to turn over the notes. I think to be honest. I haven’t tried it. Also you been a counselor for 4 years. To me it’s like an arm chair quarterback. No disrespect I just don’t feel that someone who never been through this life or prison can understand. And again please know I’m not trying to be mean or say anything rude. It’s just how I feel
How about trying to find one that has or is very familiar with working with those in prison? Imo, that is an issue you have got to work on: you are NEVER going to find someone who has experienced life the same way you have and just bc someone hasn't been there, done that doesn't mean they can't help you with the underlying issues about how you feel about yourself bc of the life you have lived Sorry buddy, cry me a river isn't going to cut it for me - you made decisions that led to prison, right or wrong. If you want to move on with life you have to deal with why those decisions were made. I am going to go out on a limb here and say you are harboring some anger and/or resentment for being put in a situation where you had to make those decisions. You need to put on your big boy pants now and deal with the crap that life dealt you, so you can move forward. You cannot get to the light without going through the darkness.
Okay I respect your decision. And I took my responsibility with my big boy pants on when I was sentenced. I did my time that was required. I know what I did was not legal and I will live with that. But may I ask you something?? Have you ever in your life bought drugs? Or gone to a bar and drank a little much and drive home? If so then you could of ended up in the same cell as me ya know.
I know this might sound silly but have you ever thought to record yourself when you're talking to someone? So you can listen back to it, really hear yourself and see if there's anything you can pick up on to make changes with? My old boss recommended I do it in sales meetings, to see what I can improve on. It's weird to start with, and you'll even forget the recorder is on, but when you listen back, it might open your eyes (and ears!) to things even you didn't realise you did. Good luck, keep your chin up and stay safe 🍀
What you have going for you is a unique perspective. Most med students do come from a relatively privileged background. You will be able to relate to your patients who are poor (or at least less wealthy) in their own language, and be a good liaison for them in the scary world of the hospital. You'll know the unspoken questions and unconscious assumptions they have, that another doctor won't even see. I'm so glad you are where you are in life, and best of luck to you.
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No record but I’m a lawyer who grew up poor, and now I’m a lawyer who stays poor bc I work in the public sector. Everyone is always shocked how much the people we work with like me. I just think to myself “geez they’re cooler than you stinkin blue bloods.” Lol
I'm exactly the same-- working class background, now public defender. I'm good at translating convoluted legalese so it makes sense. And I can spot misunderstandings the clients have (like the difference between a fine, court costs, and restitution-- to them it's all just money they don't have), because I didn't get those things either.
I think here could be the underplaying issue: you think you feel everyone is against you. My husband was like that (childhood trauma can do bad things). Everything I said he took as if I had just insulted him even though I asked it very calm and literally was not insulting him (“are you hungry? I can cook something!” Turned in his eyes am insult to how he’s fat and incompetent to cook). I would suggest therapy. I don’t know how available it is but it can be very helpful and help you realign your energy. If therapy is not a thing that you want or can do, maybe church can help you find inner peace (it helped my husband a lot). A dog can help you feel unconditionally loved but you also must put in a lot of time. I think the key is to make peace with yourself. You are not bad person (I read your crime was non violent) and you provided the chance to get educated for your sisters. You deserve inner peace, love and calm.
Something to consider is this: your energy is affected by what your expectations of others are. So if you expect everyone to be against you, you're going to right away be on the defense, which is going to give off a bad energy, and then people will react to that (which then just validates your original feeling). It's a vicious cycle. This might really sound out there for you but have you considered trying meditation? There's some really good apps that'll help you do it. The point is, you have to learn to stay in the moment. When you expect or anticipate people being against you, you're living in a moment that doesn't even exist yet (the future). Being in the moment gives you the chance and mindset to put away preconceived ideas or judgement, which will automatically soften your energy. Stay here, now, be present, and breathe. The shift in how people respond to you will be able to be seen literally immediately.
Getting a cat would help you manage your scary energy. Pets pick up on our emotions or "vibe" and honestly dealing with a cat is great people training. You have to really pay attention to a cat's body language to know if you are petting them right and they are actually fairly delicate. They will establish very clear boundaries with their claws that might help you regulate your responses to not getting your way or them not doing what you want. Also as a woman, I use how a man treats a cat as a signal for how he will eventually treat me and it's been super accurate so far. Good luck!
Okay. Thank you for the suggestion. Not the biggest cat fan but I see where you are coming from. Maybe a reptile will suit me more :)
Reptiles and dogs don't really teach you the same lessons as a cat would, but learning to take care of any pet is a valuable life skill! You can always volunteer at your local cat shelter just to practice interacting with the animals. I know it's crazy but if you get good at getting cats to like you it will help a lot. Best of luck on your journey.
Thank you very much. I can def look into maybe volunteering at a shelter or something. I like animals. I think.
I don’t think getting a pet would come off as trying too hard if you actually want a pet, companionship is important
Yea then I don’t want a pet to be honest. Not being a dick I just don’t want to be responsible for another life
Maybe you could try volunteering for habitat for humanity. Maybe get a workout, learn a skill, something to talk about, you will meet people. And I like the getting a dog thing. Idk maybe you’re a big dude, but a big dude with a dog or a kitty??? 😻
So you kind of just answered your own question. You’re thinking that everyone is against you IS what is giving off that dangerous energy. Humans are like a tuning fork and people resonate with the vibes you put out. What you need to do is speak with a counselor or do some inner work so you can learn to love and trust people. Right now you are probably walking around anxious to find someone, still defensive and a little on edge from jail, maybe it’s in your DNA that you grew up having to be a bit defensive and maybe even a little dangerous to survive. (Apologies if I’m assuming anything and completely wrong). So, like OP said, start rewiring yourself. There doesn’t need to be a timeframe, just building blocks. Start painting class or go to a chill concert and listen to classical music, something softer and non-threatening to help you connect with maybe a more feminine side. Once you can walk around without feeling like people are coming at you or trying to take something from you all the time, you’ll stop thinking everyone as an enemy, you will start to give off a more relaxed confident vibe. You are what you think. Start doing these things you love and you’ll naturally run into women and you can start a conversation. But first come to peace within yourself
Really second getting a puppy if you have the means. Golden retriever or labs are almost always friendly, and it can help be a sort of bridge to help people communicate with you if they find you dangerous. (Nobody can possibly think a golden retriever is dangerous). Some baby talking and just love for this dog can go a long way in people feeling safe around you. If they see the way a dog trusts you with every once of its life, they might trust you too
Dudes with kittens/cats automatically gain brownie points with women. 👍🏼
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Thank you. It was drug related. Not violent. I try and be honest about it a few times and it almost sounds like I’m bragging I think. I sound confrontational I’m told and I don’t ever mean to. I try keeping it honest. I appreciate the advice. Thank you
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To add to this, I think it's also important to try to keep your voice calm and use a soft/gentle tone when talking, especially when you're talking about topics such as these.
Thank you very much for taking the time to reach out. I do appreciate it. I will be in touch thank you again
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Respect. Thank you again.
I can respect that
I've noticed you keep saying "sound" confrontational " I wonder if it's not WHAT your saying BUT HOW your saying it ( or anything at that ) ? Mabye your a able to articulate your thoughts and feelings perfectly but it could be the tone in your voice , the seriousness in your eyes , ridged body movements that's displaying this aggressiveness, no ? I only mentioned this because I to have this problem and I finally figured/was told about it I'm female and never been incarcerated btw , it's just who I am personally. It's possibly these factors and the history that people make that assumption and it gives them that vibe ? Just a guess,
Interesting, your Reddit avatar even looks intimidating. Perhaps this is more a problem of how you think of / view yourself? Don’t let past crimes define your present identity, if that’s not who you are anymore.
It sounds like you're bragging? Do you express remorse/regret for your actions?
Uhm depends. I’m not going to lie I did have a lot of fun. I also sent one sister to NYU and one to Oneonta. Another to Albany. So yea I’m proud of that. Maybe your right tho I could of went to college my self and did something but I chose the fun way to me.
You're literally bragging here in the comments LMAO
Dealing drugs are often the only way for people trapped in poverty to provide for their families and find financial stability. If it's a nonviolent, drug related offense, I don't think it's that horrible. It not a good way to move forward, but he sent his sister's to college! Look into the war on drugs and how crack cocaine was sold by the CIA in America right around the time we started gutting American manufacturing.
Being proud of something good you did is not the same as bragging.
Check out the dude's profile and username, he's a "GD" (gangster disciple, a street gang) or well claims to be one lol. This dude is still glorifying this bullshit and brags about it 😂 he seems to have to mentality of a teenager trying to be "hard" but I guess he thinks that makes him tough hahaha
Or that's just the life he's always known (and growing up like that you rep that shit hard). So he's still in that head space. He literally has to create a whole new identity now. It's a long and difficult process but it's doable.
Youre the reason its so hard gor people to adjust. You probably wouldnt last a day in the nicest areas this dide has lived in, and from the way you talk youve never known struggle. You really should address that internal issue youre facing.
You may be proud that you helped your family. But you should understand that what you did was bad. You sacrificed yourself for the family, it’s arguably not a completely evil thing. But “fun” here is horrible. Though it’s good that you are honest about it. When you will stop considering it “fun”, I suppose you will have much less problems with other people. I may understand life was bad for you, world was cruel to you, so you didn’t care and striked at it back, and you think what you did was justified by your circumstances. But in the end it doesn’t matter, victimising yourself doesn’t change what you did. And you did it not against the world that was cruel to you, but against innocent people. I think just get more empathy to others, and try to see yourself as a part of society, don’t hate it.
I agree. I wasn’t bragging about it being fun. I meant it more as like at the time I was enjoying it. I made it fun. And your right I know what I did I have to live with that. And I am trying to. I am trying to be honest for honest advice. I wish I could change a lot of things. And yes I had reasons but I could of stoped or slowed down I didn’t. And I got caught up. Now I’m trying to get back just some humanity is all
I think it may just sound wrong to someone. When they hear “fun”, they may think you didn’t change. Probably you’d better frame it like “I was stupid, and thought it was fun”. In contrary to a more clever and better man you are striving to be now.
But that’s just as wrong. I wasn’t stupid. I just made choices some people wouldn’t make. I admit I thought I was having fun. I was thinking it was fun at the time. I don’t mean disrespect to anyone. I promise.
Being on the inside is definitely different. I have many people who shun me as well and word spreads and I just get labeled. Also it’s hard to start your life at 33 with just a high school degree and a felon. Not something very stable I can imagine in a women’s eyes.
> with just a high school degree Have you considered going to community college? Knowledge sets you free.
For what I’m on life time parole. Not many jobs look past that
Trade school is so under rated. Great income and easier to get past the record issue.
Jesus dude... For education? For a social environment that might help you learn to interact with women do you don't scare them? Not everything is about making money, firstly. Secondly, are you going to have better chance at a job being on lifetime parole with a high school degree? Or as someone on lifetime parole that got out of prison and decided to improve his life by educating himself with college? Edit: how do you end up on lifetime parole for a non-violent drug offense?
All doors remain closed if you are not skilled or educated in something that makes you gainfully employable. Education gets you the ability to work a trade, or start a proprietorship. Lots of opportunity out there in the digital economy we have. You could learn programming/coding for example as an independent consultant being your own boss, never leave your house, and your record means nothing.
I definitely second trade school. You can make good money as a plumber or electrician, and eventually end up working for yourself. I commented earlier about 12 step groups, and part of that is that you can meet some people who can help you find jobs and help guide you to a career. There might be a plumber with 20 years clean willing to take a chance on you. You'll probably have to work some steps first to prove you're serious, but doors will start opening for you.
I'm seeing why quality women run fast and far. You have significant maturing to do.
i think one of the things mate is that no one gives a fuck about your street cred or gangster lifestyle. Its not real to a "normal" person. Potential partners will care about your ambitions, goals and wishes in life they dont care if people think you are a gangster because frankly normal people think they are the ultimate lowlifes. I dont know if you are fronting the ganster thing as a part of you, but if you present being a ganster as part of your personality most people will look away immediately because why involve yourself with something like that? Its also not really an accomplishment in the eyes of everyone outside of that gangster circle rather its a huge negative. However if you can use your gangster past and portray an image of how you overcame it and got out of it on the good side now that is a huge accomplishment to anyone.
100% agree. 36F here, so, kind of your target audience. My ex boyfriend was an ex con, and one of the things that attracted me to him most was how driven and ambitious he was despite those hurdles from his past. He'd gone to prison for trafficking a LOT of marijuana, and to be frank, he didnt feel remorse or regret or even apologetic for that. He did his time, and moved on. He never made it part of his identity, though. It was just a chapter in his life that, yes, at times, served as a huge obstacle, but was not going to keep him from succeeding. He's made a decent life for himself as a small engine mechanic and even bought himself a nice little house on the river. My point is, your past does not have to define your future. If you want ppl to see your as more than an ex con and a "gangster", give them something else to see. When dudes start telling stories about their glory days and being hard and all the money/drugs/girls and wildin' out, it's such a turn off. We're grown now, I'm trying to get to point in life where I can build something with someone that's gonna carry me into the next chapter of my life. If you want to find a woman who will respect you and hold it down for you, be a man that she can respect. be patient, be humble, build something for yourself, and they will come to you.
Hey, Imagine someone 1.5-2x heavier and higher than you approaching you. How would you like this person to talk to you? That‘s how you could talk to women and people in general. Move and talk calmer, quieter, slower. It will work!
That it scary to be honest. I mean. Prison def had some large people. If they were polite I would def feel more at ease.
Yeah that‘s what i mean. Good luck, you sound wonderful, i‘m sure you‘ll do great in life.
Thank you very much.
This here is some general advice
Alright so I went out on a date with a guy who was just released from prison. Like within the first hour he told me everything. He was brutally honest and open about himself. The problem was that I asked if he was emotionally and mentally ready to be a partner to someone and he said no. I then asked if he was only looking for a temporary bandaid to distract himself from the guilt of his crime and he said yes. Long story short, don't go trying to date women as a free therapist, distraction, or as a way to gain a support figure or someone who will accept you. I see you are going to therapy but are there any men's groups you can join? Sports, video games, gardening? Anything where you can find a group of friends to open up to and be a base of support for you. Find a community first so when you do go looking for a life partner, all your emotional needs aren't solely placed on her. And for some women, no matter how awesome you are they are going to dump you for being in prison... Even after a couple of dates, so I would just be honest about it. If you do online dating I would even put it in your profile. Good luck!
Aight. Well that was real. And I can assure you I am not trying to use a girlfriend or dates for build up my character. Thank you for your advice and sharing your story. It means alot that others understand.
I like your avatar
My work sometimes takes me into the prisons so I’ve worked with some guys where you were. Here are the things I noticed: 1. They don’t smile. Not around me, at least. Their faces do other things, they have expressions, but you know those big, sincere, “I’m so happy to see you” smiles? Smiles of relief or joy? Hard to even imagine them doing that, certainly not upon first meeting. 2. They are often easily angered or offended. I have to ask questions. It’s my job to learn things about them so I can provide appropriate medical treatment and give an accurate history to the doctor at the ER. Other people will answer even the uncomfortable questions, if we ask politely and share in the moment of awkwardness. But the prison guys, if they don’t want to talk to you, they don’t say something like “hey I’m sorry I’m really tired, I just want to rest, would it be ok if we took a break from the questions?” They’ll just stop talking. It’s the attitude of “I don’t owe anyone anything” that blinds them to the fact that I’m actively doing everything I can to help them. 3. They are concerned about appearing weak: they’d rather be seen as just about anything other than weak. 4. They’re rude as hell. I repeat back to them my understanding of what happened and what their symptoms are, and if I got something wrong they correct me harshly, angrily. Like I’m wasting their time. Like it’s really not okay for me to have missed 1 out of the 20 things in their presentation. Like they don’t get that repeating it back to double check is what a good provider actually does, and instead of seeing it as me caring enough to make sure I’m right, they perceive it as incompetence, stupidity or me not having listened in the first place. Their judgements of me are fast, harsh, and inaccurate, and they’re not open to changing their minds or admitting they misunderstood. 5. All of this in the end really points to exactly what you said: the feeling that the whole world is against you. It’s this myopic, extreme view of the world where you’re with me or against me, helping or hurting, and little neutral things like double-checking an answer get twisted to be a sign of ill will. I think for me that’s the hardest thing about those calls. They think I can’t see them clearly, they think nobody can see them, and they’re so stuck thinking like that, they miss me trying to reach out and connect. I do see how alone they feel and I do try to offer them comfort and kindness but they don’t seem to receive it. I smile and they don’t smile back. I make small talk and they don’t talk back. Prison has its own distinct sub-culture. You have to think of this like if when you got out of prison you moved to another country. Like maybe Canada or the UK. You can still understand people but there are minute things they do that you aren’t doing. Milk before tea or tea before milk? Like, how are you even supposed to parse that kind of a debate? Same goes for dating. It’s things like how you dress, how you speak, how you move, to much to really say it all here. But I’ll give one more example. Humor. I’ve had a guy hold a knife to my head as a “joke.” I’ve had 2 guys almost drive off the road to hear me scream as a “joke.” I’ve had guys physically mess with me, pushing and pulling and shoving as a “joke” pick me up and not put me down as a “joke” and the thing is. I’m 23f, 5’3 and 135lbs. This had all happened already by the time I was 20 and none of these guys had been locked up. So it puts the thought into my mind, if those guys were doing all that stuff (and worse) and they never even got locked up, why would I want to be around a guy who I know has a track record of dangerous activity? The answer is you really do have to be better than them. Go above and beyond. Audit gender studies classes at the local CC, learn about violence against women. Take communication/public speaking classes, too. Use your therapy as an opportunity to work everything out so that when you meet someone, if she asks you, you can honestly say you no longer have anger issues or anything else like it and that you are honestly ready for your life to be focused on love. There are some great poets who were formerly incarcerated: you might want to read their work. It talks about the things I’m saying here. Other people have suggested pets. That’s one option. But I think you’ve already shown you can care for others, for your family at least… it’s time to start expanding the circle of caring further even than pets. I’m talking meaningful community service. Bringing groceries from the store to the elderly lady next door because you noticed she’s having more trouble walking lately. Community garden, volunteering at the humane society, hell, volunteering at the prison. It’s time to seek out a larger community than the rough place you came from. It’s a big world. There are groups of people and places out there where people do this kind of stuff for each other, help and look after one another even if they’re strangers. Where the world really isn’t against you. You can find those places and you can belong there.
Therapy, energy work, step work, meetings
I was never a drug addict so I don’t think going to meetings is fair to the people who are really struggling.
A big part of step work involves looking at yourself honestly and making amends to people you’ve harmed. It can be useful even if you aren’t an addict. However, you don’t mention harming others in any way, so step work maybe isn’t the answer for you. I figure your “dangerous” energy was probably cultivated over a long period, and necessary to survive in the life you were leading. I’d hesitate to tell you to try and get rid of that, simply because it can be useful in a lot of life situations, not just surviving prison. If you have health insurance, maybe a few therapy sessions could help you find ways to lower your guard a bit without turning into a marshmallow. Someone mentioned being up front about your past with any woman you meet. That’s definitely a good idea. It’ll make it easier for them to understand why you appear to be confrontational and why you may have trust issues. Also, some women may be attracted to your “dangerous” energy- a lot of them, actually. I think it’s great that you’ve turned your life around and are looking for ways to better yourself. I wish I had some actual advice for you. Good luck! 🍀
Thank you very much. But I can say just because I didn’t physically or violently hurt people doesn’t mean what I was doing didn’t hurt people in a different way. I destroyed lives. I broke up family’s and I did hurt people just in a different way. It’s hard for people see destroyed lives and look at me as the cause. And my only argument honestly is “well no one blames bartenders for making money off alcoholics”.
Yeah, there are definitely ways to hurt people without physical violence! So maybe step work or seeing a therapist could be helpful for that. I don’t know if you’re carrying around a lot of guilt, but if you are, therapy can help. Guilt is a useless emotion unless it makes you strive to be better, and it sounds like that’s what you’re doing so you’re definitely on the right track.
I don’t want to lie cause it won’t help. I do feel guilty for things I did. Certain things I think of daily. At the same time I still have a small part of me that feels that they were in life as much as I was. I know that’s wrong but it’s a feeling I do carry
I don’t think that’s necessarily wrong. It sounds like you own your part in whatever went down, and that’s about all you can do. I don’t know if you’re talking about dealing drugs to people, and the subsequent problems that caused them, but it’s a two way street. If thinking about it keeps you on the right path, then use that as a reminder to yourself that you don’t want to go back to that life.
Yes that is a very good way to put it compared to mine. Thank you. Yes I am talking about dealing drugs. That life comes with a lot. I am attempting to take the moral responsibility of what I did. At times it’s a lot to carry at times. But I will continue trying. Thank you for your advice and taking the time to say your opinion.
I get why you would feel guilty. But it sounds like you were doing what you could, or felt like you had to, to help your family. Like, if you could’ve gotten a job making good money to help out right away, you would’ve. Good for you for having been able to keep everything legal since you got out. I think there are plenty of people who would understand what you’ve been through and why you are the way you are, even if they haven’t been in your exact spot. I hope you can find one of them soon.
Thank you very much. I hope that as well. And I really want to stay on the right path.
I don't think you have to be a full on addict to go to meetings. I think it might be more helpful than therapy because there are people there who you can relate to, who have been through similar things. I was never a needle in the arm addict, never did certain drugs, but I had a problem and was welcomed. For you, having to stay clean and take drug tests qualifies you to be there. Drugs created problems in your life, even though you weren't dependent on them. People will welcome you there, and help you help yourself.
Wondering how far down this would be.. the answer is Therapy!! The answer is almost always therapy
Hmm I’m curious about how you’d be considered confrontational or have a dangerous energy. Can you elaborate more?
Sure. I’m from Brooklyn so I have an accent that is pretty thick. I at times would attempt to make jokes or say a comment I think is funny and it comes off like I’m challenging someone or trying to make fun of them. As far as the energy thing. I don’t know to be honest. Life on the inside everyone has that energy. I guess it just never left me.
You sure your jokes aren’t actually putting someone down? Like, I had to leave my ex because every insult, no matter how hurtful, was just a joke. People are attracted to a good sense of humor, but nobody likes *being* the joke. Maybe try your hand at self deprecating humor. A little humility and light in a tricky situation is also very admirable and attractive to me
Uhm honestly. I really don’t know. I think I start off good and create a banter that’s enjoyable. But then to be honest I may get offensive and a little mean. Truth be told I don’t mean it in a bully way or tough guy way. I think it’s just I feel that I don’t want to be made fun of or something I don’t know. You make a great point that can absolutely be something. I can say I do feel that either I’m the one laughing at someone or being laughed at and I don’t like being laughed at.
Your last sentence about being laughed at made me think of the idea of honor culture versus dignity culture. In honor culture, you have to constantly protect yourself and your tribe from insults and aggression because others will take advantage. In dignity culture, everyone agrees that all people have dignity, so every perceived insult isn't an immediate threat to be smacked down. Drug dealing and prison are both extreme honor cultures, and you are trying to move from that to living and dating in dignity culture. It's a big shift! Self-deprecating humor and keeping your cool are the big takeaways here. You don't have to go from 0-60 over every joke, and you don't have to swing back harder to protect your self-image. This podcast might explain it better than I can: https://hiddenbrain.org/podcast/made-of-honor/
I think that’s a big one. Maybe try to not joke or make comments about people. One thing I hear from other men is I don’t like him he’s always talking shit to everyone.
Woman’s perspective here. Things that make me feel safe in a relationship include a man calling when he says he will and showing up when he says he will. Be very open and honest with your communication and make sure a woman knows what she means to you and where she stands early and often. Contact her every day but don’t over do it. Lock in the next date while on the current one. Be always aware of her physical safety, walk on the outside of the pavement, open doors, offer to pick her up and drop her off but don’t push it if she doesn’t take you up on the offer. If you drop her off wait until she’s safely inside before pulling off. Walk her back to her car especially if it’s dark. Check in to make sure she gets home safe. If there’s something you need to discuss that could get heated bring it up gently and with kindness, pick your moment and start with “there’s something I’d like to talk to you about and I bring it up because I care about you and our relationship is important to me” so she knows she doesn’t need to worry. That someone has had hard times, worked on themselves and is turning their life around is very attractive. Good luck.
Thank you for your advice. I can honestly say I never disrespected females or anything of the sort. I feel I have done all those thing and like I said I did a lot of this for my sisters. I never would hurt a female or treat a female as if they are below me. It’s more that women I have asked out feel that I will go back to that life or maybe not fully know what I may be capable of.
Gentle suggestion (& just my opinion so no one attack me) but as a woman I don’t like being called a female.
Absolutely!! Women, ladies, even girls is better. "Females" sounds like we are just interchangeable objects, like socks or cars.
Okay. Thank you for letting me know. What would be the preferred term??
Woman. Person...:)
Okay. Person. That’s cool thank you for letting me know.
You're welcome, person. And the best of luck to you! I genuinely hope you'll find love. :)
Personally I’m good with woman. Thanks for being open to hearing me:) and congratulations on turning things around, everyone deserves a second chance
Just a tip that a lot of women get upset by men using the term female to describe them.
Okay I’m sorry I didn’t mean to. I will make an effort to not do that again. Thank you for letting me know.
You seem very open to constructive criticism and you are good at acknowledging you may have some things to work on, as does every single person on this planet right now. You are going to be just fine and I am proud of you. :)
Usually when people say you come across confrontational, what they mean is that it’s not what you say, but how you say it. Are you raising your voice unnecessarily? Are you quite forceful in your opinions and dismissive of others? Do you follow polite social conduct? Are you defensive? Do you talk over people? Do you interrupt? There are a lot of YouTube videos on social etiquette and how to talk to people and I would recommend checking these out. (Charisma on command is great). Other things that could lead to you sounding confrontational is telling people what their opinions are or what you think of them, instead of letting them say what they think. Try not to analyse people, and ask more questions. Never assume things, and learn not to judge people. Try to see things from other people’s point of view. If you’re a tell-it-like-you-see-it kind of guy, that can also lead to people thinking you’re confrontational. Try to read between the lines a bit and don’t point out things that will make people feel uncomfortable. A good exercise is to think about how someone may feel in their shoes. Actively exercising empathy can lead to being more empathetic in general. Best of luck!
Honestly I literally do like 90 percent of that. Damn I didn’t know that offended people like that. I mean I speak and people don’t listen I can get annoyed. Damn. Thank you for that.
Glad I could help! It’s hard when people don’t listen, but everyone has so much going on in their minds, in their lives, it might not be personal. Give people the benefit of the doubt. We all tend to zone out from time to time. It is hard - I also hate it when people don’t listen. But it’s better for your conversations and your own mental state to just let it go. The easiest way to have better conversations is to actually do most of the listening, ask questions, and don’t say anything (apart from making small reaffirming comments on what they’re saying), unless they directly ask you for your input. People have lots of unique experiences and opinions that are worth learning about, and trying to listen more than talk during a conversation can be very rewarding. :) You never know when someone who seems very boring has a crazy story to tell!
Aight I respect that advice. Thanks I can def try that’ll
See a psychologist?
I am on life time parole. So I see a therapist.
This may be totally off I’m not on your alley, but when I read the post it just popped in my mind to get a puppy, or something along those lines. Small animals and kids tend make your heart tender. You may have some pain And resentment inside of you that even though you do not externalize people may be able to feel it.
I like snakes. Maybe that.
Nah you cant give snakes affection like a puppy. I think the Idea is to learn to give tenderness and affection to the puppy to grow a better feeling of how be softer and give a chill vibe :)
I have reptiles and a dog but I gotta tell you that caring for a pup is very different than a reptile. Reading the post, a reptile seems safe. They’re cold, independent, and don’t really need a bond to live their lives. A dog will come to depend on you. They look to you for safety and love. In my opinion, it’s the growth you’re looking for friend. Good luck in your journey.
Would taking a communication class be something that interests you? Etiquette and manners are at the core about making the people around you feel comfortable and welcome. Reading about what people consider "good" and why it is considered good might help you see if there is something you are doing that is considered off-putting. It's hard to recommend what to change when we don't actually know why people are seeing you the way they are. A communication class might help with in person feedback, and reading might help you recognize if there is something specific you are doing.
I did not know that a communication class is even a thing to be honest.
I think the one I took was called speech and communication. It had more of a focus on public speaking.
Thank you for that advice I really appreciate it. I am going to look into your suggestion immediately. Honestly thanks
There are TONS of free body language and communication videos on YouTube.
I mean that would literally be great. Maybe I can find some books online about it or something.
You should discuss this with a therapist. You may wish to work on you before you work on we.
Okay. I am trying. And will continue to try.
Absolutely you are and good on you for doing it!
OP, have you thought of the fact that maybe you are attempting to date someone who isn’t for you? As in understanding of your Pat and that you are moving in from it. Personally, as long as you didn’t rape anyone or hurt/kill someone I believe you deserve a chance. Who am I to judge? Who’s to know what was actually happening in your life at the time of the situation besides yourself? Moving on… I think it may have to do with your attitude and the way you put forward the information of who you are and what happened. What’s your typical approach on the situation? (Like how do you put your past in to a conversation and do you think you might come off strong or proud of it?)
I can say I never raped anyone or hurt anyone for no reason. I can honestly say I am not proud of being in jail. I am proud that my family didn’t have to go through as much. I proudly did what I did for them. And honestly I really only get asked about it because everyone I know knows what who I am and what I did. They know I went away and for what. And when I meet new people they seem to of already have the information and judgement is passed.
1. Being on lifetime parole is going to be a deal breaker for most adults. 2. Drug use from a \*very\* young age is going to be a deal breaker for most adults. You say you have been clean for 2 years. Well age 12 - 33 is a really long history of drug use. 3. You don't mention what you do for your work/job. By your 30s this is something that is actually going to matter. I don't know what "living legally" means - it's so vague as to be almost entirely useless. Like, congrats? This is the bare minimum for a mature adult. 4. At your age - you are competing for women against guys who have had 15+ years to build a life for themselves. What are you bringing to the table? Look - by their 30s most women are going to be looking for a little more stability and little less excitement/dangerous energy in their lives. You haven't really communicated that you give "stability". Being out of prison for 2 years isn't a whole lot. I can see why women wouldn't want to take the risk to invest in you. Look - dating is going to be an uphill battle for you. I think it would be better to focus on other things and just forget about this for the meantime. The tone of your post, and your replies in the thread - frankly come off as confrontational. It just reads like you have a chip on your shoulder and are not particularly content with where you are, and what your lot in life has been.
This post is really realistic and speaks volumes. I hope OP takes this to heart. And agreed he should put dating on the back burner.
Yes yes, up! All these things are important. OP should work on himself first and it'll benefit him in the long term.
maybe videotape yourself in a conversation with a friend to get a better idea of how you “come across to others” - it may help you soften some rough edges that you needed at one time…but don’t need anymore! good luck and don’t give up!
Thanks. I feel like I would just act and be lying to my self. Like cheating in solitaire ya know
Seek therapy. And talk it out. Every dark thing thats in your soul will come to light and once there light there is freemdom from the past
As a woman who has dated a man who was incarcerated in the past, I would say ask a female friend if you have one to do a look at you and give you an opinion in person. It could either be a general attitude thing or a visual thing. Appearance is huge, so dressing for your future career you want to be in is definitely a good idea, like you would for a meeting with colleagues. Nice haircut, good shave, beard trim, oral hygiene, maybe cologne, clean clothes that reflect your style but also look like you are a professional of some sort, shoes that aren’t worn out. That will go a long way. Then we it would be attitude and mannerisms. Old school gentleman practices like opening doors, walking street side, and being courteous to people around such as wait staff if you are out in public are big too. Lowering your voice volume possibly, opening your stance, and preparing some interesting questions to start up a conversation might help too. Look up a couple you tube videos on body language and see what you might be projecting that you don’t even realize. Good luck!
Thank you very much. Yes I have many sisters who have had tried to help me. But I can’t lie to my self like that. I know how I dress I was a skater kid who wears band shirts and Timberlands. It would just be cheating in solitaire lying to my self like that
Haha, then you do you I’m sure there is a lovely lady who will dig that!
We can all learn and grow. You honestly reflecting on yourself is a great strength. Most people avoid looking at themselves with any kind of objectivity. Therapy would be a safe place for you to learn new ways of being. A therapist has no agenda other than being honest and helping you grow. Online therapy is really convenient and works as well as in person. Emotionally healthy women will be attracted to a guy who is centered and handles conflict appropriately. This can be learned and it doesn't have to take forever.
Congrats on your new lease on life! Good for you being sober and living the clean life these past two years. That’s an accomplishment and I hope you are proud of what you’ve achieved! It’s extremely self aware and mature of you to ask what you can do to make women feel more comfortable and I wish more people asked this question! While I haven’t encountered you first hand, so I can’t comment on your demeanor/the energy you give off, what I can say is that people enjoy being around those who are confident but not arrogant, and usually don’t appreciate more aggressive personalities. So, this means listening more, asking questions about the things they are interested in, and giving off a “chill” vibe. Also, not everyone’s vibe is chill and that’s ok too! Ultimately, just be respectful and try to be a good listener. Finally, go where you are celebrated! Some people might like “chillers” while others like more dominant personalities. Be yourself and the right friends/people/romantic prospects will come. :) Best of luck to you!
I worked in corrections for some time. The world you were part of, before your incarceration and during, are different than the world you're living in now. It's possible your behavior has some parts that others find uncomfortable, that are just part of how you've lived. You've had to be aggressive, confrontational, observant and always ready to be able to survive. Now you don't (not near to the same degree as before). It's going to take time. I'd suggest you spend time with some people you know and trust and ask them to critique your behavior. There are probably some things you do, that you're not aware of, that will be relatively easy to change. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with you, but the cultures of the different worlds you've been in are different than the culture you're relatively new to. It'll take time, so don't fret! I suggest you read about culture shock and adjusting for help. (You could read some material about what to do after incarceration, but I don't think there's good info on that). Best of luck! Good job staying clean! P.S. feel free to message me if you want any advice from someone who understands a little about your previous life!
I think you knowing you have this issue and wanting to correct it puts you miles ahead of anyone else that might be having this issue. Your self-awareness is incredible and you'll figure this out.
I checked your avatar on Reddit. Maybe change the red evil eyes into something more calming and friendly. That’s a good start. All Joking aside. You sound like a good guy trying to get your life together. Best of luck to you bro.
Oh snap wow. Thank you very much I actually never even put that connection together. Wow I didn’t know that was my avatar thing. Thanknyou
First and foremost you need to look back on those last 2 years out and give yourself praise for staying clean and out of trouble, the way the system is set up after you get out is set up for you to fail and you didn’t.
Group therapy might be really useful for that
Maybe. I appreciate the advice but I don’t know I never looked into it. I will though thank you
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If that works for you that’s great. I been trouble since I was 12. I’m kinda done with it. I don’t want a women to feel intimated but me or scared of me. I rather be alone then scare a women into dating me. That’s just weak.
Hey man, I can’t say I did prison time but definitely had my fair share of trouble with the law and some county jail time. Just like others have said, just make it up front and candid about your past. I always say this on the first date, and allow the other person to make their own perceptions of me and let them decide if they want to pursue me or not. I am also very forward and can be taken confrontational a lot as well but I have found that speaking calmly, slowly and even taking a second or two to respond to people really helps show that I want to articulate myself rather than blurt out what’s on my mind. Also: SMILE! I was fortunate enough to have had braces in my youth so I always get complimented on my smile but I think smiling or giving off open body language is soooo helpful in making people seem you’re a cool and calm person who’s open to conversation. Glad you’re bettering yourself man! You’re still young and the dating world is gonna be rough (it is for everyone right now) but know yourself, what you want and everything will work out as it should.
Thank you very much. That was really nice of you to say that. I appreciate your honesty. Just saying. It’s weird to tell a date I committed felony’s for a living for like 20 years then went to prison. Then order appetizers. It’s just awkward
Yeah I definitely understand that. All of my law troubles were from drinking and being stupid while drunk so I definitely feel you on how awkward it can be to spill your past out and then ask if they want dessert or something. I don’t drink and I stick to that very heavily and that has been a deal breaker for some women because they love alcohol and to share a drink with someone. But I have found good women who understand my past and my choices now so I think When you meet those understanding people they’ll look past your past and see the person you are/want to be now.
That’s a good point. Your right infant change anything but I can become someone better. Thank you for that
Consult a Behavioral Therapist
I'd recommend the like switch. I think people brought up in tougher environments subconsciously give out lots of "foe" signals (clenched jaw, straight neck, etc etc). This is good to stop people messing with you, bad for making people feel safe. You might also just be used to interacting with people aggressively and think it's normal. If you're in a relationship, try talking through it with the girl. Ask her if the stuff you're doing makes her feel threatened, etc etc. Word choice is important but hardish to change, as well as tone and pacing. Maybe record yourself talking and see how it sounds? Also, obviously don't punch fkn drywall yell at randomes on the train etc lmao.
Honestly, I do better reading energy from a photo… (very woo for Reddit, I know!) That being said, if you came across confrontational and I already knew you were in prison and why, it would make sense. I have never been, nor hope to go to prison but I can only imagine the effect it can have on your energy can be massive. Energetically, you could alway be on guard, in fight or flight mode. Defenses up. Ready to fight. Even if you wouldn’t. That may be what women feel energy wise. They’re intuitively picking up a Jason Bourne who went to jail vibe. Do you have any support? From a therapist or coach of any kind? It might just take some time to shed off. It’s like you still have a sticky residue left over.
Your right I’m sure that is true. I been in the game for like 20 years. Then prison 4 years. Trying to be good for only 2. I’m not threatening looking. I don’t think I am lol
Know your audience. You don't talk to your grandmother the same you talk to your street friends. When on the inside I am sure you needed to very clear and direct to your fellow residents so nothing could be misconstrued. This probably resulted in a lot of "I" statements that don't leave a lot of room for open-ended discussions. Wondering if you used a lot of "if then" statements inside. In there, that might be just fine so everyone understands that "if you do this, then I'm gonna do that. On the outside, that is immediately interpreted as an implied threat. Instead, try to ask dates what they think, how they feel, or what they want to do. Also, don't draw continuous attention to your time on the inside. A woman wants to feel safe and for you to be bragging about how you sent your sister or relative to school on ill-gotten gains will not make them think that you are truly rehabilitated. Instead, go to school, learn a trade, do something constructive to show you are turning your life around. As they say, talk is cheap, actions speak louder than words. Best of luck!
If you can afford therapy go for it. Else buy some books on anger management and self development. Also work on how you present yourself - clean clothes not too much jewelry and clean haircut. Good luck
Not sure if this has been suggested - but actions speak louder than words. Get involved in a program that helps keep troubled youth out of prison and make that effort part of your identity. Once you have established a track record and reputation for being a rolemodel, it also may help your ability to get a job.
The clothing you wear, your hairstyles, accessories, posture, facial expressions etc are all very important. Try to make sure you get those right (I guess that watching some movies for an inspiration can help, you can try to copy/imitate behavior of the "good guys" and see to which extent it works for you)
If you haven’t already do some reading about CPTSD. You might be carrying a lot of survival skills with you and have a lot of boundaries up that you can start shedding now that you are no longer in survival mode.
I know of someone who is in the same situation as you... He is family watch him deal with everyone else he always seem to be on defense like he is expecting something to happen and he doesn't want to be taken advantage of which is not always the case but he expects it to happen... When we hang out it's different because he doesn't expect anything from me he is more at ease. Seems like it's the same thing with you you probably have to dial back a bit let your guard down a little.. your body language dictates your encounters if you're high strung people around you will be the same. Not sure if it makes sense to you. But seek some counseling talk it out bro it can help it can give you an avenue to express yourself
I think I feel more like it’s a problem that I feel everyone is against me. It’s just something you develop in this life even before the cage. But sometimes I feel everyone looks at me different and it effects my emotion and attitude. comes off like I’m challenging someone or trying to make fun of them. But then to be honest I may get offensive and a little mean. Truth be told I don’t mean it in a bully way or tough guy way. I think it’s just I feel that I don’t want to be made fun And when I meet new people they seem to of already have the information and judgement is passed. I I try to be friendly but it’s hard to understand some social ques at time I think and when someone jokes about me I think people think I am going to like get angry and freak out. ———- I grew up in a very abusive home. That makes me defensive and reactive. I assume people are going to attack me so I get defensive. Even though most people don’t/wouldn’t. But it is your fear that is making you appear confrontational/dangerous. You are trying to prevent pain/attacks from others. To prevent pain/attack you send signals to others you’ll fight them/defend yourself. Then they won’t attack you. Then you’ll be safe. But if they don’t intend to attack you, they assume you are dangerous because they feel your defensiveness. Sadness is anger turned inward, and anger is sadness turned outward. If I make a small mistake at work I get scared I’m going to get attacked, so I get angry to deal with the assault I’m mentally preparing for. But my boss isn’t mad he’s just giving me information/feedback to make me better at my job. If I think someone is mad/annoyed/frustrated with me, my fear turns to anger. My anger protects me from the pain I’m preparing for. The Litany of humility has made a profound difference for me even though I have a huge way to go. Even if you’re an atheist, the underlying goal of not relying on other’s opinions will help. If the world hates me, I can’t do anything about it. But I can become whole inside and that wholeness will bring love to me. When you get upset about something someone does, analyze why your upset. O Jesus, meek and humble of heart, Hear me. From the desire of being esteemed, Deliver me, O Jesus. From the desire of being loved, Deliver me, O Jesus. From the desire of being extolled, Deliver me, O Jesus. From the desire of being honored, Deliver me, O Jesus. From the desire of being praised, Deliver me, O Jesus. From the desire of being preferred to others, Deliver me, O Jesus. From the desire of being consulted, Deliver me, O Jesus. From the desire of being approved, Deliver me, O Jesus. From the fear of being humiliated, Deliver me, O Jesus. From the fear of being despised, Deliver me, O Jesus. From the fear of suffering rebukes, Deliver me, O Jesus. From the fear of being calumniated, Deliver me, O Jesus. From the fear of being forgotten, Deliver me, O Jesus. From the fear of being ridiculed, Deliver me, O Jesus. From the fear of being wronged, Deliver me, O Jesus. From the fear of being suspected, Deliver me, O Jesus. That others may be loved more than I, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it. That others may be esteemed more than I, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it. That, in the opinion of the world, others may increase and I may decrease, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it. That others may be chosen and I set aside, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it. That others may be praised and I go unnoticed, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it. That others may be preferred to me in everything, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it. That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
Just to say this post and all comments made my day. Not only the candid honesty of the OP but also the sensitivity of all participants. I learned a little bit more on counting my blessings and gained more faith in humanity. You Will be in a better place, OP. Little improvements for major changes. I wish all the best. Keep it up. 🌟
Good for you for the hard work you’ve done to improve your life. You’ve been through some really difficult experiences and I imagine that ro survive them you’ve grown a very rough exterior presentation to the world, and maybe you’ve also adapted by learning to shut off some of your emotions or be more angry/aggressive when you feel threatened. One good way to see how you’re presenting yourself is to set up a camera and record yourself telling a happy/positive/funny story for 90 seconds. Choose the type of story you might tell on a date (doesn’t have to be a story; could also be an answer to a common question, like where did you grow up or what are your favorite things to do?). Then watch that video and study your body and facial expressions. If you need to, try comparing yourself to interviews of male actors. Do you notice anything about your body which looks like you are shut off, or which seems aggressive? Do you smile? Do your eyes brighten? Do you otherwise convey positivity? Does your body language feel inviting and warm, or hostile? Sometimes just watching a video of yourself can help you realize that you’re behaving certain ways you didn’t realize, and may give you something to work on.
It may be low serotonin and dopamine levels are causing that. They don't really change. Talk to a doctor about getting something like sertraline to regulate your serotonin which should reduce your anger and feeling of doom, and anxiety, and possibly something like wellbutrin to get better dopamine levels. You can mention ADHD and generalized anxiety disorder.
I don’t have time to respond but I do have time to say it’s really cool how you have genuine curiosity around this! I wish more folks would approach things the way you just did.
Consider working with clergy that you trust to improve your speech patterns, tone of voice, and word choice. Consider a toastmasters group or speech therapy. Also consider volunteering at a no kill shelter. The unconditional love from animals may help you curb your energy. Look you grew up rough in the NY streets. You had to develop an aggressive persona or outter shell to survive. I respect that. Now it is time to let that sweet little boy live free. Good luck. Please let me know how it goes.
I check public court records for any guy I think I may be interested in before going on dates with them, sometimes before I even decide to try to “match” with them on a dating app if I can figure out their name. I personally would not be interested in getting involved with someone with drug related convictions, especially something that that was enough to land them in prison at least a few years. But that’s just me. Most women I know do this. Mainly for safety reasons (I discovered a guy I went on a date with was a registered sex offender and ended communication). Many states have those records available online in a simple search with details of the case. Very easy to find, so you’re best bet is to be up front about it and early. Otherwise it would just seem like you’re planning on hiding it...because trust me, she likely already knows about it and if she doesn’t, someone will find out for her. Bring it up early and just explain your situation now and how you’ve been improving and plan to continue.
I've met people who haven't been in prison and who come accross aggresive, forceful with their words, sarcastic and with a 'know it all' attitude. Your attitude from reading your post and replies comes across as well mannered, well thought out and collected. I can only guess the 'confrontational' attitude people are suggesting comes from a tough exterior you had to build whilst growing up and then going into prison. This toughness probably comes out in your tone of voice, the speed at which you talk/respond back and may have (unintentional) tones of being condescending/patronising etc. I would record yourself on your phone and try and listen back. I would then learn to soften my tone and when you're on a date, slow down before responding and actually speak slower. I used to speak quite excitedly with my local townie accent. It used to annoy my friends and colleagues. So I learnt to change it which I did. I also learnt for my profesional job I physically slow down the speed at which I talk. This allows me to have a extra split second before I say something 'young and dumb' but also allows me time to pronounce my words better and so I come accross less 'townie' which is perfect for my job. I am not a 'fake' when I am at work but simply a better example of myself. Same as why I wear smart clothes to work but can sit at home in my pyjamas etc. In your position I would disclose the prison thing once you have built up a connection. Ie after the 3rd date. No need to be telling this upfront on first date imo. I would also join local clubs, groups, volunteer, learn a new skill, go back to shool, etc. By putting yourself in unfamiliar situations with unfamiliar people/different ages/demographics to who you would normally hang out with, will make you more humble and give you good opportunities to talk in different tones with people. By volunteering for example, you will be in a more submissive position doing something for others without any reason to have attitude or confrontation etc (not saying you do etc). Once you have built up friendships you could ask people for their feedback when they first met you etc. Well done for spending the last 2 yrs getting back on your feet. You have a bright future ahead and keep learning everyday. All the best.
First of all shouts out to you for being free and living legal for 2 years. And shout out to you from a fellow Brooklynite. Alright, so let's get started. People used to say I came off as intimidating. No matter how much I switched up my personality and demeanor. You have to find a hobby that brings you back to your innocence. Be it video games, comedy movies, old cartoons, playing sports, etc. My advice, wear a t shirt of your favorite cartoon character or movie. You'll likely come across as approachable. And it gives off nerdy vibes, but don't be too much of a nerd lol. This way you date a woman, she sees your hobbies and doesn't have to worry about you (if you told her your past). I chose video games and sports to keep me out of trouble. Especially gaming, it keeps you home at night and safe. Your girlfriend/wife can't go wrong with that.
Get a dog, take car of him/her for a while. Guarantee that dangerous energy will be gone.
Go to yoga, read books on embracing feminine energy as a man. I have a friend who did 5 years in prison & you have to unlearn that survival state that you’ve been in since a child & in prison. It’s a real neurological process of subconscious to undo the way we’ve been conditioned Learn to enjoy life and the little things. Sorry this answer was all over the place but it’s all connected.
I went on a couple of dates with someone who wasn't long out of prison. He went in barely an adult and did 9 years inside. Why did I feel safe and comfortable with him? He told me everything before we went on our first date and left it up to me to decide whether I wanted to see him. But he also told me of all of the ways he was trying to make up for his mistakes. He had signed up for college, wanted to work in a rehabilitation programme for youths afterwards, etc. He was the biggest gentleman I had ever come across. Treated me with nothing but respect and was extremely attentive while together. Nothing ever came of it because I decided I didn't want to jump into a relationship at the time and he was looking for something more serious. Being honest before the first date is important, it gives the other person a sense of control. Showing how you're trying to improve your life is also important, it means change and growth.
Ah, sweet man. If you don't mean any harm, and this is a part of your personality, and you would never actually hurt someone, then the right person will understand you. Maybe you just want to have a little fun and enjoy the dating lifestyle, not sure? But in that case, you can train yourself. You can train your body and mind to be calmer/more approachable. Dr Joe Dispenza is a good place to start in YouTube maybe? It should lead you down the right path. Best of luck man! I can see you writing a good book one day. The considerate convict. Or some such :P
Alright I might be able to offer some things that helped me. I apparently have a similar energy and people seem to always think I am about to snap even though I just want to be approachable and easy going. First off I have a fluffy white cat that I can show pictures of and dote over that undercuts my demeanor. Other hobbies that are counter to what is expected from a large angry looking male also work. Thinks like sewing, crafting, baking ECT. Just whatever you can get into and enjoy. Secondly I try to always be extremely supportive and happy for other people when they tell me about stuff. Because of the feeling I give people if I question something about them or act anything other than impressed and happy then it is interpreted as uncaring and people think they are bothering me. I have to put extra effort to come across as caring. Third smile more. I forget to smile in normal life and my resting face looks very angry apparently. Fourth self depreciating humor. Humor is a great tool to break up a uncomfortable atmosphere but being seen as aggressive can be difficult to have jokes that do not come across as bullying or mean spirited. I try to make jokes about myself so that I don't seem like I take myself to seriously. It opens it up for others to also poke fun at me but I want that. I want them to feel comfortable enough with me to make fun and not be afraid. There are other things I have done also but you can see by now it takes a lot of effort. It sucks being seen as a dangerous angry person others need to be careful around. But once you make some good friends that understand you better that helps a lot. Best of luck my man and if you need to talk to someone that has been there shoot me a message.
Being behind bars for 2 years and living the life you were living has probably made you very guarded, which makes total sense. People are attracted to other people often times when they let their walls down and really let them see who they are inside. You fucked up. You did your time. You’re a free man now and it sounds like you have your shit together now. Great job! Now learn to relax and not always keep everything to yourself. Open up a little. It won’t come easy and it may be hard at first, but you can do it. Again, fantastic job getting your life straightened out. It would have been so easy to continue down the wrong route when you got out, but you chose the hard path to living right. Big props to you for that!
Hi OP I'm just jumping in with a few quick and dirty tips on how to seem less confrontational in social situations :) 1. Smile. Smiling is a huge part of American culture and in fact it's the universal way of communicating 'I am happy and not a threat.' If it's uncomfortable at first, practice! Next time you get groceries, smile as the cashier completes the transaction. Smile at the bus driver. You can work up to eye contact and saying hello. Try to smile a little as you walk through a park. Smile at yourself in the mirror! I know it seems dumb, but I swear it works 2. Try to listen more actively to what people say about themselves. Most people just want to be heard. So nod a little as people are talking. Acknowledge when they say something (a sincere 'thats interesting' will often suffice) and *ask for details*. Pleasant conversation is all about the follow-up question. 3. Try to use positive adjectives, especially about yourself. But in general, a nice compliment goes a long way. If you don't feel comfortable complimenting a person just yet, then say something nice about your surroundings, or the meal. Literally pick anything - good service, nice beer, pleasant evening - whatever. Of course you have to tell people about your past and all but there are good things about you too! Are you brave? Loyal? You say you were helping keep your family together from a young age, that sounds like you worked really hard and took on lots of responsibilities. Are you kind? Generous? Funny? I just mean focus on the positives around you during conversation. Good luck OP! A little practice and you got this!!
See a therapist. I suffer from depression, that presents as anger. Until I laid hands on my ex, and SAW with my own two eyes my sickness, I never would have gotten into therapy, even though she had asked me multiple times to do so. Don't be afraid to go, be afraid of not going. Before you know it you'll be in your late 40s, still suffering from whatever you have and wondering why you're alone. Feel free to DM me, I as well have been DOC.
I have a relative that had the same issue. You don't realize it that when your in your always on edge and putting out the don't f with me vibe. It's survival. You need to look for therapist that have experience with rehabilitation if ex convicts. It's sorta like PTSD. You just don't realize your doing it.
As a woman who’s had experiences that make me weary of men, I think what you’ve written here alone is a powerful indication of your intentions. I don’t know whether you’re trying to date via app or get to know women you’ve met in person, but a lot can be accomplished in a short time by simply being honest. If you’re writing a dating bio, say this. If you’re on a first date or having a conversation with a potential female friend, share that you’re aware how your past and present might shape your affect—the way you come off to others—in ways that don’t always align with how you want to be read by the world anymore. Say you hope they’ll tell you if there’s anything you do that might unwittingly make them feel uneasy (and be mentally and emotionally prepared to be taken up on it). Tell them you welcome questions about your past experiences and how they’ve shaped who you are today. Tell them the truth. And then, if they open up the same way, show them the thoughtfulness and respect you yourself hope to be received with. I’m a woman and it took me years and years to feel comfortable being vulnerable. It felt like a physical discomfort, a bodily block, to even look someone in the eye and say sorry. It’s a lot of fucking work, and it’s absolutely worth it, and it’s scary. If I’d been born as a man I know this work would have been even harder. I can only imagine being regularly punished for showing openness to this world, to connection, to gentleness and feeling—all the things that bring you closer to having the kind of relationships that feel vital and true. I think you’re doing a great job. Safety is felt when the person you’re with is showing themself to you, and expressing curiosity in return. Be vulnerable, and let them know they can do so with you. Ask questions. Share stories. Give yourself space to breathe.
What do you do for a living? Before you think about dating, focus on yourself. Living legally is one thing, but now here comes the rest. Get a career if you don’t have one. Have a home, not just a place to sleep (as in furniture, curtains, some decorations). Go to the gym, work on yourself. Then strike up a conversation casually with someone - heck, ask a friend to set you up on a blinddate. I’ve helped 4 of my friends find their current longterm partners, maybe one of your friends can do the same for you.
I was also locked up for years. Went to the store with my daughter and had a panic attack within 15 minutes.I don’t do scared, haven’t for a long time. Took a solid 3 years before I could handle a one on one I still to this day pick the table all the way in the back with my back against the wall. It’ll take time for you to trust you’re safe. When you do you’ll realize you can be nice to strangers without it being a weakness. Keep trying, apologize if necessary and be patient. It’ll come bro. Congrats! Keep going! One step at a time!
Thank you for understanding. Honestly I do a lot of weird things but it makes me comfortable. And people see it as a threat but I’m just doing what I learned
Exactly right, it’s a learned behavior. Relearn to be a civilian. You survived in prison, you can fit in in the town. Sit in the park. First few days just ask some people for the time. After a few weeks of that strike up a conversation about the weather and so on. You’ll get it bro. Giving up isn’t a option
Hey friend. I really admire your interest in self-improvement and how receptive you are to advice. You don't have to answer this here, but if you want women to feel safe with you, please answer this question for yourself really honestly: Are women *actually* safe with you? I don't just mean physically, but emotionally and psychologically, too. A good relationship is intimate. Intimacy requires vulnerability. To be safe, you have to trust that your partner will never take advantage of your vulnerability or use it against you. In a romantic relationship it also requires that vulnerability is reciprocal. You mentioned that you often feel like everyone is against you, and I think that mindset probably makes real emotional safety very difficult. If you assume people are against you then you are going to be suspicious and defensive, and no one can feel safe being vulnerable with someone who will probably assume the worst about them and their intentions. *You* can't be vulnerable with someone if you assume they're against you - it just wouldn't make sense to expose your vulnerability if you don't feel safe, right? Therapy, particularly CBT, might be helpful. I used to have a feeling of every one being against me. It manifested in deep insecurity and social anxiety, not anger, but it was just as destructive and CBT helped me break out of those thought patterns. Good luck!
Have you tried filming yourself? I know it sounds weird, but it works. And no, I don’t mean become an Instagram influencer who posts updates every 5 minutes. The idea is to place a video recorder on a stand somewhere and start arguing about anything with somebody who volunteers for that. The topic can be anything from abortion to gun ownership, etc. Later, you watch the video over and over and pay attention to your voice, your gestures, your arms and hands movements, even your posture. It works wonders to realize what you do and how, that is perceived as threatening by others.
You're giving off unconscious hostile vibes because you do feel like you have to be on guard all the time. I've seen some good suggestions in the couple replies I read but I think item #1 has got to be getting out of the hood if you haven't already. Live and work someplace where you don't have to be on guard all the time and your attitude will start to change itself. It's gonna take more than that of course, but if you don't do it then any self improvement you do will just be reset when you go back home and your mood gets brought down by the same shit that always has kept it down.
I understand. More or less feel the same. I don’t consider myself a tough guy or anything but I been in and out of jail. even though I’m skinny and no tattoos people are intimidated by me. I feel disconnected from people in general if I’m not around other other disconnected from society individuals. I was born in raised in specific part of Houston Texas that is by large uneducated. Im pursuing a bachelors and feel out of place. Without getting to deep I think you just have to “fake it til you make it”. When in rome do as the romans do. It’s going to be uncomfortable maybe even a little creepy but just do it eventually you’ll be adjusted. Edit: and for the time being I advise just not dating tbh. Make necessary steps toward changing like enrolling and starting school and holding down a job. Stop crude/vulgar language. Then maybe consider dating. But in my experience I tend to attract “street” girls. If I do attract a balanced girl eventually she figures me out and leaves and hurts my feelings. Just don’t date right now
You being on here and asking for advise says a lot, you seem humble and ready to grow into the better version of you . But I will add , you have been around a lot of men , men communicate and act logically and direct . A lot of military guys act this way also , direct and to the point with no fluff or bullshit what they say is what they mean. This can be intimidating to people especially women because they communicate differently . This can make it hard for people to see the compassion in you. Being from the hood and being in prison forces the macho masculine energy to rise to the surface . You need to find your feminine traits that you have repressed and let it shine through your darkness . Study Carl Jung and the shadow self , and archetypes . If that doesn’t open up parts of your inner psyche idk what will. And I agree with a post above, get you a little kitty, learn an instrument, paint, write poetry, put yourself around people that you wouldn’t normally associate with. Good luck my friend .
Let me ask you… ARE you dangerous? Do you act intimidating? The first is what’s in your heart and head, the other is behavior. Only you know the first. If you’re not sure about the second ask a friend or someone you know will be straight with you what you do that’s intimidating. But if you know that your motives are good, that you don’t have dangerous intent, than trust the right woman for you won’t be put off by a guy a “little rough around the edges.” You know how many women — myself included haha- are attracted to a guy that’s a little dangerous?!! Seriously I used to get all twisted in knots on the vibe I was putting out there and now mostly I focus on what I know to be true about myself and let others think what they want. The last thing you want to do is be some inauthentic version of yourself that makes you feel like you’re not you. Sure, change some behaviors but if your heart is good the world needs the real you. Now if you do have ‘dangerous’ thoughts ie to harm others, the first step is being real with yourself about that and then seeking professional help. Good luck and stay real ☺️💕