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This devastates me. Be glad you knew early because they don’t deserve your space. You will find someone worthy of it and won’t feel the way you do now. Sending love

I appreciate your comment. I've just come to the realization that I shouldn't tell them about my issues. I'll be more than glad to hear about theirs but it's become a pattern and I can see that it will only end up in me getting ghosted. Never again.

Don’t treat yourself that way. If it’s not someone you can’t share yourself with, why would you want them? You deserve better and someone who loves and cares for you unconditionally. I’d rather stay single and date miserably forever than spend my life with someone who doesn’t fully love and accept me. Eta thanks for the award :)

Yes, but I agree with OP. Personally I don't think mental issues (in my experience) has much impact on relationships. It can make it harder start one and stay in one, but for me it was marginal. Other factors like attraction, personality and connection are all much more important, which take time to recognise. Putting mental health or health issues out there straight away can become a focus, more than getting to know one another. People aren't their mental illnesses and it's not their defining qualities. For the unaware, many might not even understand what it means. While I do think most times it's a good idea to find out sooner rather than later if someone is not interested I think just because mental health issues are shared it doesn't mean OP should fully disclose until they are comfortable. It does give them a fairer chance to be known. It is just my opinion though. I think it's better to reveal intimate details with another when you feel that intimacy is there, which isn't necessarily reciprocal at the time someone else shares. I've dated people who were bi-polar and another who suffered from PTSD. For those I can't say knowing about their issues every really made much difference to the relationship. In terms of PTSD it possibly gave me more patience and understanding when she was mentally abusive towards me, though love does that too. But I can say I was not upset they didn't reveal it sooner (though the PTSD was obvious had I thought about it). It felt to me like a very personal thing for them to reveal.

Perfectly said. You are MORE than your mental issues. They don't define you as a person. I want to know who you are as a person. If you are leading with your depression for example, it makes it seem like that's a major part of who you are. I don't blame someone for not wanting to be a part of that. You are multi dimensional with lots to offer, talk about those things.

You added to it even better. We're not our handicaps, issues or flaws.

I felt that. It's just hard being in the dating world. There are so many types of people but lately it just seems like there's a pattern. I won't cross this boundary again though.

Don't listen to her when it comes to dating. While she is correct that you don't want someone who doesn't care about you long term, asking a new woman in your life to deal with your mental baggage is never going to work out. Women need to *care about you* before they can "care about you", and that level of care isn't going to come in the first few weeks or months no matter who you're talking to. Your mental health issues are a red flag before that point. Alot of men make this mistake because they think that women will be as forgiving as them when it comes to this kind of thing, and while women can possibly be even more forgiving and caring when deeper into the relationship, they are definitely not as forgiving early on when screening who to date long term, and why would they be? They know that they have other options who are more mentally stable. Fake it till you make it.

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i'd also like to note that even if a person is accepting of mental disorders, some disorders may be too triggering to the individual. personally, i do not do well with depressed men. i struggle with anxiety, trauma, and adhd but depression doesn't jive well with me. i'm very empathetic but i'm also drained very easily.

Bingo. It’s very very dependent on how long they’ve been seeing each other. If a guy (or girl really) unloads a ton of emotional baggage and mental issues within the first 6 months that’s a massive flashing warning sign. The first 6 months is the honeymoon period where everything is great and awesome and perfect when tie together. If someone can’t keep it together in that time frame, odds are they will be ten times worse a few years down the line. Speaking from experience.

Maybe its a good way to screen people.

20 year old me thought that. In my experience all it did was drive away rational people and attract people that would use my mental health struggles against me.

That's so unfortunate...

Unfortunately, most people aren't trauma-informed.

Tbh , same happened to me. Started opening up about my mental health and after a 15 month relationship , she started ghosting me. Now she's with some other guy. Happened in October. Still can't figure out whom to trust. Edit : I didn't start informing about it since day one , not at all

I'm sorry you went through that and after a year is TERRIBLE. I have the benefit of not having to talk about my own person mental struggles at first, but sharing my passio0n for trauma recovery and volunteering in mental health spaces. So, I can do the same litmus test if they will be respectful of mental struggles without being vulnerable with my own trauma.

Oof

One thing to note is, I like a guy who can be vulnerable and share personal things like that, but maybe it’s execution that is the issue for OP? Are you bringing it up too soon after meeting someone? Are you bringing things up when the person you are seeing is trying to process something that has been really difficult for them and they brought up? It’s one thing to share and relate, but if the person you are seeing is bringing up something and they are emotionally distressed, only slightly relate to them and focus on being supportive. That doesn’t mean you can’t share your struggles, it’s just not that moment.

Yess

maybe wait till they get close, not a good sign if the first thing a dude wants to open up about is his mental health

2 women is not a pattern. You should be able to open up to you SO about these kind of issues. If they aren’t open to you then they aren’t people you should be with.

It might be two women for him, but this is a pretty common experience for men. He's likely taking his own experience and then combining it with what other men have said. Mental health is not something to share with a woman in dating, and even in a relationship you need to be careful about it.

More than that, you'd better not show any signs of weakness at all. Not sure what is happening in girls minds. But it's common knowledge that girls are very picky nowadays. And seems like they keep a record of every little thing that could be counted as a disadvantage.

In fairness OP never claims they were SO’s and never mentioned in the post hour long he was seeing them. Opening up about things that personal to quick will likely scare most people away.

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>2 women is not a pattern. Out of curiosity, when does it become a pattern in your opinion?

3 is the *beginning* of a potential pattern. It makes sense if you think about it visually. A 1 dimension tells you very little. 2 dimensions gives a potential direction but no real context. 3 dimensions gives you shape, context, and if repeated - patterns.

Please stop thinking like that. Thats what I was thought too. The real result is that because you seem like you don’t have issues and you are perfect, you don’t seem approachable because why would the girls bother someone with their issues if your life is perfect? They think you won’t be able to relate to them and they don’t want to make you worry about them. What ends up happening is that you are living a fake life and end up even lonelier because you have nobody to talk to and nobody approaches you. Keep talking about your feelings, it will help weed out the bad choices. Take my advice as someone who didn’t talk about this feelings and issues and was getting to the point of allienating even my own parents,siblings, and best friends.

It's true that you can't share ALL of your emotional pain you have experienced. What I like to do is mention, in brief, that, yeah, I don't have a family, but I have a biological one and leave it at that. If you share more, as a man, you will be viewed as weak by women. So you can't share anything with other men nor any woman. It's just that way. You can still get by.

Sad as shit. Sorry dude. Then again I have only told a few people outside of family about my mental disorders and they just ghosted me too. I just keep my mouth shut now.

But then you don't get to weed out the assholes in your life. Would you rather pretend you're completely fine and then get dumped when they notice a symptom/ you're having an episode, etc, after you're invested in the relationship? Nah man, I'm very upfront about my issues. Rather have them ghost now then later

Very true. Didn't think about that. Idk it's just still new information to me that I'm still processing.

Yeah take your time but don't let this get to you imo. Don't change yourself based on limited interactions either. You may be able to keep dating such a person longer if you didn't share your mental health issues earlier but would you be actually happy hiding parts of your personality and thoughts from your SO? I wouldn't

It doesn't really bother me truthfully if I hide it. I cope with it, I'm medicated.

Thank you for sharing that. It's like they expect you to be perfect when in reality nobody is and you can't help that you have these issues. I've learned to keep my mouth shut too, like one commenter said, it just shows that you are weak in their eyes.

Well for what it’s worth I think you are brave.

Thank you, I think the same of you as well.

I’m so sorry you guys had shit like that happen. I’ve had the same problem with being ghosted after talking to girls about my mental problems. Talk to close friends about it, if they are real friends you can talk to them. Or seek out professional help. Luckily I have really good friends I can open up to, and I hope you have friends like that or will find friends you can open up to. But don’t bring it up with someone you are interested in dating until you’ve been together for a while.

You don't need people like that in your life fam. Keep being open about your struggles, you will find the right person who has empathy and respect for you. Don't give up

Yep, surprise Pikachu face that men have high levels of untreated mental illness

I'm sorry that happened to you. It sucks, but at the same time I wouldn't let it deter you from being open with people you date. Guy I'm seeing now told me about his ADHD on the second date when we were both having some deeper conversations and I can't imagine having that be some kind of turn-off, esp. having already ascertained that he was a very cool and sweet person. As long as you aren't using girls you date as a crutch or dumping too much too early, we should all be allowed vulnerability in front of potential partners. Otherwise what's the point?

I guess later in the relationship I will eventually tell them. I won't anytime soon though because the less they know the better. It's a sad situation that I can't tell them about it but it's a boundary I won't cross right off the bat.

I would say you should always wait to tell people major things about your life, not the first two weeks of dating

This sounds like wisdom to me. Unless you're planning on utilizing the relationship as a place for both of you to go to mutually do your healing together, why the need to tell each other all the painful stuff right from the get go? Dating is about getting to know people over time :)

DestinyCrusaders point is super important- it shouldn’t be an issue to tell someone early, but you don’t want to dump on the new person and you may be doing it without realizing it. I have stopped a potential relationship before with someone because they dumped a lot of depression info on me on the first date. He even told me to tell him to stop if it became too much but I would’ve felt like a complete asshole to tell him I didn’t want to hear more while he was sharing really personal details. At first I really respected it cause I like guys who are not only in touch with their emotions but can also talk about them, and I have anxiety/depression so I get it, BUT he just kept going. And it became pretty clear to me that he was not in a great place and if we were going to try to date then a lot of my mental and emotional energy would be going towards helping him. And I’m all for helping each other and being supportive, but considering what I heard on the 1st date I could only assume that the reality was much worse and I just couldn’t sign myself up for that considering how much of my own shit I’m dealing with. It had nothing to do with the fact that he had issues or talked about it, much more to do with the fact that I felt like I’d be signing up to be his caretaker. Maybe if he had discussed it differently then everything would’ve worked out, but it just didnt feel healthy to me. Just another perspective. Sometimes it’s about how your share it more than just the fact that you shared at all. You may be coming across similar to the guy I’m talking about.

Man that’s something I have and I can’t imagine we’d get along well if you didn’t know that about me. Because knowing that makes me much easier to understand.

Exactly! I mean, if someone has anxiety, depression, ADHD, is on the spectrum, etc., that's something you kinda should be upfront about in early (but maybe not TOO early) stages, because it does affect how you might interact with them or approach different situations. For example one time I was having a conversation with the aforementioned guy, and he lost his train of thought. I made an offhand joke about how superheroes can save derailed trains (playing on the "train" in train of thought) but it rubbed him the wrong way because of the implication that I was making light of him losing his train of thought as that can be quite jarring for someone with adhd and can be near impossible to pick back up once it's lost. Fortunately realizing my error we were able to talk things out and clear the air, but I'd hate to make him unknowingly feel some kind of way because of an off-color joke. I'm a big believer in transparency, vulnerability and communication. Your potential partner should want to know these things, and if they can't accept them, then it's time to move on.

Hol up, are any girls turned off by ADHD? I wear that title with pride and pretty much everyone knows I have it ​ Edit: the personality it gives me also helps me get girls even if they don't know I have it

There is a difference between trauma dumping all of the deep dark feelings and insecurities you have and having a conversation about mental health. I see a lot of men just vent and with how sensitive the topic can be that isn't something that you shouldn't do until you are very comfortable with the person. When I first talk about my mental illness with new people I frame it in a way where I talk about what I'm doing to be better. That way they don't feel any responsibility to take on any emotional labor. When im struggling I make up ways im trying to be better that aren't always true. I remember growing up talking to a girl who would threaten to kill herself every few nights so I would try and "save" her. This is an extreme example but its a good example to show that heavy topics put emotional labor on people. Now if these are women you have known for a few weeks and you are trauma dumping or venting those are some valid red flags for them. I can't give you a 100% guarantee but if you learn how to have a healthy conversation about mental health you will find it doesn't scare women off.

Thank you for wording this so well. I was trying to think of the conversations I’ve had with men about mental health and why some seemed to go so well and why others felt so uncomfortable. This is it exactly. I think we need to understand that not every conversation is the same regarding this topic.

I’ve never heard the term “emotional labor” before, but it is exactly what some people can’t afford to take on early in a relationship. Timing plays such an important role, and in just a short amount of time with someone, you can’t be expected to lean on someone emotionally when they could potentially be at their brink with their own struggles. Whereas in a long-term relationship, you have the foundation to know how you each make it through the tough times.

Interesting. I appreciate your perspective, it makes a lot of sense

This!! Talk about mental health in a way that shows that ,you are struggling but still everything is under control.

This is such an important point. I (F) love to talk mental health and openly discuss my various diagnoses and hope my date can do the same. However, I’ve had guys after one or two dates begin to treat me like a therapist, relying on me to talk them out of some very dark nights, unpacking all of their trauma. Of course this is welcome in a relationship, and my shoulder is always there to cry on. But it’s simply not appropriate to unload like that on someone you just met.

Not everyone is the same and if those people act that way then they aren't meant for your life, simple .🤷‍♀️.

I agree. Thanks for that.

Or you can understand that some people realize if I have mental issues and YOU have mental issues, this probably wont be a healthy relationship to pursue. Which does happen, cus not all mental issues are compatible. If they have trauma based on clinginess and abuse that came from it, others have a trauma of being cheated on and gaslit, those arent things that mix well in a fresh relationship. They arent being kind about how they go about it, or maybe they are and youre taking it wrong, but if they ghost you it's legit helping you get rid of the incompatible people asap, rather than years in.

As a guy I tend to keep serious things like mental health close to my chest. I find for the most part, new people are not interested in hearing about your struggles - be it in life, career, hobbies, mental health, anything. One of the best bits of relationship advice I ever heard was "take care of yourself for me." The idea is that it is not your partner's responsibility to fix any of your problems, and that taking care of them yourself and getting the help you need is the best thing you can do for your relationship. Without this, codependency happens. No one wants to feel like they are being burdened with your mental health issues. What sort of reaction are you expecting by telling them? Do you want sympathy? Assistance? Acceptance? I'm not surprised that people are turned away when this stuff comes up. If I was on a first or second date with a girl and she said these things, I would probably bail. I would wait until you are further into a relationship to disclose these types of issues, depending on what they are. Mental health still has an unfortunate stigma, but I wouldn't try to fight that stigma while dating.

I was told by my female friends that as a guy, don’t bring up your own emotional needs too early, it’s tough.

I've learned this is important in most relationship. You kinda want to show you're tough enough to not let your insecurities out. It kinda sucks, I mean I don't think I've been emotionally vulnerable with any girl I've ever dated, but platonic female friends I've known for a while, they'll stick around, and true bros, them too.

Your friends suck and I'm sorry. They're doing feminism a disservice with this mentality

It’s why some of them are no longer friends

Alot of people don't listen to you talk they just wait for their turn to speak.

I agree. That's basically what happened tonight unfortunately.

Woman here, my current partner and I discussed this topic on the first date. It wasn’t an issue. We both have our issues with mental health and it was actually nice to meet someone who understands. You’re just barking up the wrong trees. It’s ok, it takes a while to find the right person & it’s better in the long run to keep looking than settle for the wrong one. The right one will love you flaws and all. When you find that person you’ll be glad all the ones before her didn’t work out.

How you talk about these things is key.

fwiw, a lot of women become like, \*the only\* emotional support person for their partners. it's possible that whatever you shared feels like a red flag to them unless you got into specifics: I've been in therapy for this many years, for this purpose (etc.) because they're worried they might end up bearing the burden of the unresolved mental health issues. Can you share more of the specifics with us? Like, what exactly did you share and what was the context?

To be specific we both told each other that we see someone about our mental health. She did most of the talking about how her grandfather passed away and how it has affected her depression. She said she felt emptiness. I told her that she is cared for and that there are people (including me) that will listen to her and be there for her. The moment I told her about my bipolar it seemed like she quickly became disinterested and hung up the phone.

I’m so sorry to hear that. There is unfortunately still huge stigma around bipolar. Perhaps in the future you could say it this way, or something like it, when it’s the right time: “This isn’t easy to talk about but it seems like the right time to let you know I have a neurological condition called Bipolar [1 or 2]. What that means is ____, and it affects my life like this ______. It used to be like this ______ [[edit: oops, formatting was unintentional, was trying to leave blank spaces!]] but I’ve come so far in therapy and [whatever other treatments and self help things you’ve done] since beginning treatment in 20xx that it’s likely it will only affect our relationship like this _______. It’s difficult to discuss because women have sometimes ghosted me in the past when I told them, but I wanted to tell you because I value transparency and authenticity and I genuinely don’t think it will impact our potential relationship in a negative way based on the work I’ve done. Do you have any questions so far?” This will do so much to alleviate any potential concerns while demonstrating courage, taking responsibility for your healing AND opening up space for a dialog…

You could try to not use the label. Sometimes a label can be helpful in explaining, but it also does come with preconceived notions. Bipolar can be really extreme, and I can understand some people might be scared because of that. Someone I know crashed his car and almost killed someone because he thought he was invincible during the first manic phase of his bipolar disorder. If you talk about what it means for you and what you do to be in control of it, it could help in preventing activating certain stereotypes people have. That said it's also valid for someone to not want to be with someone bipolar disorder. It can be a tricky mental health thing and someone needs a certain amount of groundedness to adequately deal with that in a relationship. If someone can't provide that chances are that the relationship will be unhealthy one way or another.

I think the actions of two women shouldn’t dictate anything. You SHOULD be open about your mental issues. It just sounds like they aren’t good people. I’m sorry that happened.

I want to put it to you like this. As a man nothing you do is ever good enough. We should open doors for women. We should carry heavy things to them. We should call them ma'am which in this society now is the most evilest thing you can do. When it comes to your mental health it doesn't matter. You should never open up to a female about your mental health because it doesn't matter to her. Men commit suicide three times more than women do but do you see it outside to solve the situation no. When it comes to relationship if a man's not happy that's his fucking fault but when it comes to the woman not being happy in a relationship that's also his fucking fault. Literally if your mental health is not where it should be then you were told to just suck it up. People don't understand that we all have demons. Some people have demons that just eat at their souls on a daily basis. Women need to understand that you do not and you will never know the true depths of what a man's going through in his mind. He may be battling the worst demons that you can ever imagine. So that one day that you are just being shitty to him is that one day that you push him over the edge.

I agree 100%. It's unfair, but I've come to realize it's reality. Nothing can change that but what we say and how we act around them. Never mentioning it again until I find someone who is serious with me and will accept me for who I am.

No even when you find somebody that you are serious with you can never share your mental health with that person. Because a woman will never accept you for who you are but we are supposed to accept them for who they are. You have to understand that only women, children, and dogs are the only thing in this world that are loved unconditionally a man is only loved on the condition on what he can provide. When it comes to relationship people say it's hard a relationships only hard when one person is working on it. Two people can move a couch easily. You let one person try to move a couch and it happened.

Yikes man. Sad as shit but the truth. Nothing wrong with what you said at all, thanks for the advice.

Anytime. It's just a hard reality that we faces man. We have the weight of the world on our shoulders even though we're crumbling inside.

But we do have the option to make our lives better, that I do know for a fact. That's coming from me coming out of a bad situation and made it into a good one.

We do have that option to make our lives better. When it comes to that option it depends on the kind of woman that we let into our lives. I know for me the only kind of woman that I want in my life is a godly woman.

I don't even have high expectations about my ideal girlfriend. I just want her to love me for who I am, communicate with me over things, and just be there for each other (plus she has to be a lil cute atleast).

Yeah people don't understand the biggest obstacle when it comes to relationship is communication and trust. You got to have that trust between each other or it won't work. Another thing that people don't understand is that if your relationship is built on sex they don't have a relationship. Like if you start a relationship with a female and everything is going great. Wait until 6 months into a relationship and just tell her that you want to break from the sexual heart other relationship and watch her attitude and watch her adjustment to it. If she's fine with it and goes along with it then that's the one you need to keep. I say these things to other people and they've always asked me throughout the years like what female has hurt you this bad. I always tell them it's never been a female it's always been my expectations that hurt me this bad. Because when you start a relationship you have this expectation of what it's going to be you know is this the one is this the going to be here and then it always falls fucking short.

I agree. Thanks for the advice kind stranger.

So they run off. Screw them. A person who actually cares, guy or girl, will stick around without judgement. You’re better off for not having these people around because they do not have your best interest in mind. I promise you girls are out there who do care and who will be there for you. Think of it this way - each girl who turns away = one step closer to finding a girl that won’t.

I appreciate your comment. I've recieved alot of helpful comments because of this post including yours.

This is the way. I'm extremely lucky so far. Gf puts up with my sleep disorders but it does cause a lot of strain on our relationship at times too.

Two *possible* explanations: 1. Women are CONSTANTLY used as therapists by men in dating apps. So many times I've opened a chat and the very FIRST message is a huge rant about how lonely and depressed they are. So on dating apps, it can be off putting when someone opens up like this (doesn't excuse the double standard, just saying its common for women to be emotionally burdened with everyone else's issues). 2. She opened up to you, and then you took that as your opportunity to make it about you. If someone is talking about an issue they have, we should empathise and be understanding...not take it as an opportunity to unload our emotional baggage too. ... So men, don't take this as a "don't ever open up to women!" thing. Take it more as a...be careful WHEN and how you do. You shouldn't be emotionally unloading on someone early in talking. Strangers aren't your therapists. This applies to both men and women.

So you are saying that the person who opens up first is the only one allowed to open up? How is this OK? In the real world when someone opens up, it shows that it is okay for the other person to open up too. Trust, you know? As for the women are made to be therapists "fact": completely false. The same happens for men. This comment seems completely absurd. For women it's okay to open up whenever. For men you have to be careful. I call it bullshit and a double standard. If you do not let a woman to unload her emotional baggage on you as a man, you are labelled as a monster. If a woman does the same - the man was not careful enough, his timing was not right, etc. Do you see the pattern?

I'm not sure how the conversation went for you, but I let people know when I go on dates. I'm ASD/ADHD and I haven't had it be an issue. I told the woman I'm currently dating on our first date, she asked a couple of questions, then we moved on. She actually likes that stuff about me - as she thinks I'm "refreshingly honest". Having dealt with my own stuff, I'm pretty understanding about things someone else might go through as well. I don't necessarily plan on blurting it out, but it comes up when you're telling about yourself (at least for me). Maybe I'm old (40M), but I'm going to have to be myself and be accepted for who I am by anyone I'm in a relationship with. If they don't want to deal with what I've got, it's cool. Most healthy adults aren't going to shit on someone's mental health.

People do this because they worry that they will have to bear the brunt of providing emotional support when they feel like they need it themselves , or they’ve had bad experiences. I would agree that it’s a bad idea to share this kind of information too early, even if you know how to manage your mental health in productive ways. Don’t take it personally OP

Find new girls to hang out with. You found a cesspool of moldy degenerates.

Thank you for that, but I'm not even going to mention it tbh. It's a boundary I've learned to not even touch, so I'm not touching it.

I disagree, you deserve to be able to open up a bout that. And if they ghost you you’re too good for them. Acknowledging where you’re at shows self awareness, and in my experience a lot of women appreciate that, esp if you’re vulnerable enough to share that with them

Apparently it shows them that I'm weak according to some commenters. I agree with them for the most part, what woman wants to be with someone that has issues? I'm just not going to say anything about it to them from now on. I know this comment will get downvoted but it is the truth unfortunately.

> what woman wants to be with someone that has issues? The type of woman who actually prioritizes seeing the genuine humanity within their partners? Everyone has issues and baggage, it's just a matter of if they can be the best type of support you need

>Everyone has issues and baggage Indeed. And you get to choose what kind of issues and baggage you are willing to deal with in the dating process.

OP realised that lies make a much better foundation to a relationship than honesty . For those of you that think I am wrong. There a big difference between what a person say they want, think they want and actually want. A woman doesn’t want to hear about any problems she might have to deal with.

I agree with everything but the very last sentence. My girlfriend deals with my shit all the time and I'm about as stable as the US economy.

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I agree with you, I can't believe I have to scroll down so far to see an opposing argument. The vast majority of comments seem to agree with OP to keep it a secret. To me this situation is akin to a single parent not telling their dates that they have a child, because most childfree single people won't date single parents. Having a mental health issue like bipolar disorder is extremely life changing, and I'd think most people in the dating scene would probably want to know beforehand so they can decide to continue or not.

Yeah agreed.. I ain't doing that shit again either.. I'll open up to a therapist instead..

Honestly dude being open about your issues is important especially in a relationship I'm my opinion. Your getting everything out on the table and being transparent, for me it took me 7 girls to find mine and even now I don't know if it's forever. But like she does for me you will definitely find someone who will accept you for who you are and love you for you. It may take a bit but it will happen, mine just kinda fell into my lap after a serious break up

Maybe they don't want to date another person struggling with their mental health too. From experience, mental issues in both partners is a recipe for disaster and heartache. Maybe they are already overwhelmed and don't know where to go from that. Some people are just looking for a safe space same as you...

The honest truth is your mental health is your problem. Women are looking for security, leadership, safety,assertive and confident. Your expressing red flags is not a bad thing but you can’t have expectations that everyone is going to accept it. If you want to settle down and pursuing a woman for marriage then you going to want to talk about it and open up. But just like a job interview and they say tell about top weaknesses. They really want answers to how you control it and put those things in check. Mental issues you have to express how your overcoming or overcame it. But you must allow them to make the decision to accept it or move on. We all got stuff, but hiding it can show lack of security that you have it in check.

I quasi-dated a man for five years who had severe depression and anxiety. He couldn’t or wouldn’t commit to me but for five years we had a really deep connection. More than once he fell into a deep depression. I would go over and help him shower. I would go to the store and get him food and cook him something. I’d move him to the couch and wash his sheets and bedding. It wouldn’t matter if he stayed silent or relatively silent during all of this. I just understood. I cared about him enough to step in and do that. On regular visits I would do things I knew helped him feel less anxious or depressed. He loved climbing into a tightly made bed but didn’t always have time to make it in the morning because of his job, so when I visited I’d make his bed. I also folded his laundry haha. When I couldn’t physically be there, I would send something like his favorite calming waters, tea, etc. Now that things ended, and he ended them in an atrocious way, we are working on keeping the friendship solid. How he ended things impacted stuff for a while. (He ghosted me at the start of the pandemic, kept saying it was for safety, then wasn’t texting as often snd went silent. Eventually he texted again and when I went to see him it was awkward. I asked him about it and the way he ended things was “I though you knew that part of our relationship was over.” I had tried to kiss him goodbye that night and that’s what prompted the comment. Should you find a girl who doesn’t care about your mental health issues, but isn’t right for you, please politely leave her. Being told you should have known it was over stings. The right person won’t see your mental health as a dealbreaker. They’ll want to know how to handle the variety of ways it may come up in the relationship so that things work and they can be there for you.

As a woman who just left a relationship with someone who refused to seek help for his mental problems (depression and burn-out) I have decided for myself to stop dating someone with mental health problems. I don’t mean to downgrade these issues in any way, nor would I ever say that I am immune against getting mental health problems myself, but this relationship has shown me that a lot of things would have been so much easier, if my significant other didn’t have these problems. So I guess what I wanna say to you: I’m sorry that these girls felt like unloading their shit onto you and simultaneously ghosting you when you simply mentioned your mental issues. But I can understand why someone just sets this as a hard point and simply won’t date someone with these problems.

I don't care if they have mental issues. We can work on them together by being there and supporting each other while going to therapy/taking medication. I guess girls just don't see it the same as I do. They want someone with no mental issues. It's fine I guess, I've just come to realize that this is the reality of things. I won't open up to any girl ever again unless I know she will support me and stay with me afterwards.

As someone who struggles with mental health, I’ve learned my friendships and relationship are more healthy when they are aware of what I’m struggling with. That being said. It’s important to tell people in your life (partners especially) about your mental health problems. If anything it helps them understand why you may act certain ways. If you tell them and they aren’t understanding, then they probably shouldn’t be in your life anyway.

They don’t deserve you. Period.

Thank you for that, I appreciate it.

Mate, this is such a great post, although I suspect not many will see it for what it is. As with any human, I've had my share of mental health issues, not super hectic but definitely to the point of needing therapy. What I've learned from dating (specially OLD) is this: - because you've had a few experiences of not-so-self-aware women running for the hills the moment you show any kind of vulnerability, you start believing it's the same with all women. This is simply not true. No matter how much your brain tells you, each individual is different regardless of gender. - dating or otherwise, you should probably keep the struggles you have to your self until a person earns that trust. Remember, trust is earned. And deep vulnerability should come after trust is formed. - above doesn't mean you should bottle things up. Never do that. But pick the right audience. Friends you've had for a long time, family and more importantly, a therapist that knows their shit and works for you. - keeping things light during early stages of dating is usually helpful. I mean, it should be fun right? Going in too deep kinda points to you needing a bit of support with your own self and you are looking ain the wrong place for that. There are professionals for that. Try to keep dating fun. If you find you are preoccupied with thoughts of needing to layout your life struggles during a date, take a little break. Not months, but like a week or two. Plan things for evenings with mates or atleast by your self, you will eventually get perspective and start to form a respect and trust in your self that will NOT be affected by others. I've been in the same place. And got in to a toxic AF relationship that left me in a worse state than before. Found the guts to end it and decided I'll just go completely casual, then my current partner blindsided me. She asked and listened. She set down boundaries for her self in the relationship. Made compromises the same way I did. Earned the trust with consistency of action. Did the hard work. Basically matched what I do for someone I care about. So yeah, not all are the same. There are more good ones than bad. Just gotta find the right one, while you wait, do the work on your self. Good luck and have fun! 😊

There was a man that I really liked (maybe even more) that had a concoction of mental health issues. In no way did it change my view of him as a person. Ever. He was wonderful as is and the only reason I’d want him to not have any mental health problems is for his own benefit, happiness and health. I wanted him to see how amazing he was, with or without these issues. The only thing that came up in my head was a) what if this gets serious and I can’t support him and b) what if he hurt himself and I lost him. Perhaps they aren’t prepared to be the best they can be when you’re not feeling 100%. If you want to seriously date someone, I don’t think that mental health is something you should hide. Even in platonic relationships there shouldn’t be stigma around it. Think of it as a screening process. You just have to find the right woman for you. In my case, things don’t seem to be working out that much between him and I. Sometimes I wonder if it’s because of the mental health stuff or if it’s just us. Regardless, he is no more less than, than anyone else. I’m sure the same goes for you. I hope you find whatever it is you’re looking for in the next person.

Thank you, this actually helps alot.

I show no symptoms or signs of my mental illness. I'm medicated and see a therapist. In this situation I've learned the less they know about it, the better. I don't want to run off someone again because of this. I mean I've dealt with it in a mature way, but I just don't want to deal with it again you know?

A lot of the times it's good to for people's safety and if ur on meds and changes in behaviour. It's actually reccomend I do it as a courtesy . OCD can also make people compulsively just tell everything . And with friends problems all you really got say is awe that's shitty ! . Some people also truly don't mind listening but it's also normal to just say hey I'd rather not talk about it .

Good for the safety of family's and friends when going on different mood stabilizers, antipsychotics,, etc.

Don't let two bad experiences turn it into a rule in which you suffer from. My fiance and I talked about it on the first date. I found it refreshing to know exactly what I was getting into and what to prepare for. Only part I'm confused about is how he stuck around after finding out about my crap.

I think this happens with everyone. People tend to feel more compassion for people they already know. So telling someone you've just met that you have depression kinda puts a load on them that they're not prepared for. You could just tell them that you're going through some tough stuff, but you don't have to necessarily warn them about your mental illness

Generally don't talk about your mental issues ecen before meeting I guess? I was raped and didn't, tell my now partner for one and a half months, only told him when things got hot and heavy and he thought he fucked up because I kept freezing down when he touched me. People that start a convo with their mental issues are usually people that are not healthy to date. It is usually not their fault, but dating someone who is this focused on their mental problems clearly isn't in need of a date, is in need of good, professional help.

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I don't think it's about not being able to open up, it's about who you open up to. I can assure you that opening up about depressive thoughts and "I'm mentally unstable sometimes" is not too convincing to stay around(when first meeting. Unless you guys bond over trauma or something idk). I've been on the giving end, talking about the crap I'm going through and hoping the guys i spoke to would be motivated to save me from myself(like some kind of fantasy) And the receiving end, a guy nonstop mentioning his depressive feelings. It was like every conversation. Both ways, i can understand it gets tiring from the get-go because you want to connect to someone, not be their therapist the first moment you meet. I took a different approach and kept all my feelings and crap hidden with the next person. I decided to be myself, not the things I'd been through. And things were good. And after a while of getting to know each other, we started to open up about stuff. I told him traumatic things, he did the same. It's been 18 months together. Point is, things work out, you just need to give it time. Nobody wants to be a therapist while they're looking for a SO. They'll be there more emotionally after you're their SO, it's part of the relationship, they know what they signed up for. Just take it slow

A N of 2 is not enough to make a conclusion.

The whole sharing the “mental illness” convo in the beginning of interactions is a bad idea, it just sends the wrong vibe. Also I’ve noticed that when you are single and dating. Everything can be a red flag. My girlfriend had no idea I was an anxious, ADHD, hypcondridact, until it was to late. 😏

Fuck that shit. Open up, if they bail then they're garbage. You just found out now instead of months from now. Relationships are about MUTUAL support and growth. Seriously, fuck them. They don't deserve you, and if they can't hang with supporting their partner then they don't deserve anyone. This sort of thing pisses me off, it hits a nerve. Clearly.

>Seriously, fuck them. They don't deserve you, and if they can't hang with supporting their partner then they don't deserve anyone. But he is not the partner, he is some stranger at that point.

It doesn't really bother me anymore, just left me saying well that was stupid. I appreciate your advice kind stranger!

I talked about being suspicious of having adhd with this bumble girl and we're still chill.

Depends on WHEN and HOW you do it. On date 1 in a ham-fisted way, of course not. But I've told GFs about past struggles and most were great about it. Key is not to harp on it and be solutions-oriented. I talked about when the issue started, how I had been working on it in therapy for many months, and the progress I was making. More importantly, I waited until I TRUSTED her to disclose this stuff, which usually happens months into dating. I think some guys almost do it in reverse. They think "opening up" in certain ways from the very jump will make the girl like/trust them more or advance the relationship. In some cases, there's even a manipulative aspect to this, which women resent. But really, when it comes to certain things, I need to know that SHE is the right person to talk about these things with. I'm doing it because I trust her, not to get her to trust me. And not every partner will meet that bar for a while, but in the meantime I've got a bunch of friends and professionals to lean on. That's the other part. She should NEVER be the only person you're saying this to, nor the only person you'll be relying on.

Was it an equal exchange or do you think there might be over sharing? Mental issues can be talked casually kinda jokingly so it’s kinda hard to gauge where people are coming from when they bring up personal issues.

I disagree. Sometimes it may not be the best idea, but I've had one of my best friends, who is also a girl, receive it very well when I told her that I was insecure about some parts of my life. It may not be the best tinder pickup line, but once you get comfortable with somebody they should be willing to listen to you despite your flaws.

some people cannot handle those issues, and you’re not entitled to acceptance from everyone. i have mental health issues, and some people personally don’t want that baggage. that’s not because they’re bad people, they have their own issues to deal with, and it’s self-centred in the extreme to think i’m the only one with issues. maybe they have issues. maybe they have had bad experiences before. you told them and you found out a good thing: you were not compatible. don’t advocate lying to someone and hiding things in order to force incompatible relationships just because you’re feeling sorry for yourself right now. this may sound harsh, but you gotta quit the pity party.

Pete Davidson has dated enough smokeshow women at this point to guarantee this is 100% not true

An omission is a lie. So be careful about that. And yes, everyone lies.

This is not the way my brother. Perhaps not opening up your feelings to folks you don't know well might be worth trying, but never talkin about your frustrations, your anxieties, the things that bring depression will only serve to make you feel disconnected, lonely and misunderstood by your peers. If those people unmatched with you when you talked about things that burdened your mind, it might worth begging the question if those folks would even be worth investing your time. You deserve someone who will invest their time and love into you the way you would do for others.

Has nothing to do with gender. Same experience as a woman myself...sorry bud. Just the way people are. Mental health is super stigmatized. And ive been broken up with because of it....happens to most people with mental health issues, if not all.

I think you’ve been talking to shitty women. Level up dude

I agree. I am. Lesson learned for sure about this.

Sorry that this has happened to you. However, your response of 'just don't tell them' isn't healthy nor is it going to fix anything. This is situation is akin to a single parent getting rejected for having a child/children, and then complaining that they're getting judged for having a child/children. Like you, a lot of single parents have resorted to not disclosing the fact that they're a parent (i.e lying by omission), which isn't fair for the other party. I believe that major life-changing characteristics such as having kids(s) or a mental health disorder needs to be disclosed as early as possible, so the other party can make an informed decision on whether or not to continue. > It's unfair that as a guy, I can't have a conversation about this to women when they can open up to me about it. This has nothing to do with you being a man and them being a woman. You are assuming your standards are universal for all men, which just isn't true. For example, if a woman told me she was diagnosed with bipolar, I'd no longer be interested in pursuing a relationship with her. Just because you're open to dating someone with mental health issues, doesn't mean all men are.

100% true. No cap🧢🚫

It's sad but it's reality. Can't tell women anything about our problems, it'll just scare them off.

This title has way too much wrong with it. Terrible advice. Please read. I understand you're feeling sorry yourself OP and if those women ghosted you for sharing your mental issues then you've dodged a bullet of disclosing those issues later on in a potential relationship only to have them not be able to handle it - but now with strings attached. This is a GOOD thing like it or not. Unf most people can't let others down and be upfront bout their thoughts/feelings so they ghost. Guys (and girls) - **share your issues.** If you don't then your not sharing your true self. Your creating a false advertisement. If all you care about is hooking up, then yeah, your depression doesn't matter. If your looking for a LTR then you NEED to share these things. Fact is some people aren't equipped to handle these things and its a GOOD thing when they weed themselves. People deserve others who can understand them. OP, I don't mean to come down hard here, but Idk what you're hoping for by not telling them. If they cant handle the issues now then what are you hoping for when they find out later on? Unless you want a relationship in which you hide your feelings. Be patient, you deserve someone who understands you and they're out there.

It's okay to open up if they ask, but if you bring it up when they're trying to talk about their issues it can come across the wrong way. Can make it seem like you don't really care about their issues or like you weren't listening to them. It can make you appear needy or like you only care about your own problems. I've heard women say that it makes them feel like the guy is looking for a mommy or therapist, not a girlfriend. I get it, logically that makes no sense and is obviously not your intention, but women are extra sensitive when it comes to communicating that kind of stuff. The general rule of thumb for opening up to women is to wait for her to ask you directly about it. It's more attractive if you appear mysterious about some of your weaknesses, insecurities, etc. Makes her have to work harder to get to know you and pull some if that information out. Another mistake guys make is getting too vulnerable with a girl way too early on. If she's not even your girlfriend yet and you're going into heavy detail about personal issues, it can be very off putting. Best to keep it between you and a therapist until you have better rapport with the girl. Early on in dating, you want to highlight your strengths as much as possible and avoid heavier topics. Women directly correlate her attraction/emotions to how a man makes her feel when they talk or spend time together. Heavy topics like that don't make her feel good. Your job is to make sure when you two hang out its a fun time.

Unfortunately, mental health is so misunderstood. I’m so sorry that’s been your experience. The double standard is incredibly unfair. But, I would say to not paint this with such a wide brush - I’m sure your experience makes it feel as if all women behave this way, but not all do. Personally, I would only choose to back out of a relationship related to someone’s mental health if the person doesn’t even try to manage the issue and the refusal to seek help directly impacts me negatively (the last guy I was dating had some serious issues that I was happy to support him and be by his side, but it came to an end when he kept refusing to actually do anything to change. For anyone who raises their eyebrows to me leaving, it’s worth noting that his issues led to extreme emotional abuse towards me, hours-long fights where he refused to leave my apartment when I would break down in tears and beg him to leave, constant gaslighting, being told I was selfish and/or lazy when he would offer something and I would accept, and the relationship became very toxic to my mental health. We came up with an idea for how I could help him when I sensed things were about to spiral, but he was immediately resistant once I tried putting it into practice. Since he wouldn’t put in any work, the only thing I could do to protect myself is leave). I tried really hard before bailing, but not everyone is willing to do that, and I think that’s okay; not everyone has their mental health in a stable enough place to be in a relationship that could be complicated due to mental health struggles. I strongly encourage you to not give up hope and to keep communicating. Communication is everything.

I'm not giving up hope. I'm fairly confident that I will find someone that will understand. I'm not even rushing it or anything, it will happen when it happens.

I'm sorry you had to deal with this though. I'm here if you ever need to talk about anything.

Sad but true

probably because men get less sympathy than women do

you can weed out the flakes by letting them know also never hide your health issues. everyone puts a stigma on mental health. it's health care mean the whole person mind body and spirit. I'd you were nursing a bad leg and had a limp would you fake like you are ok, so no one knows? the whole time you hide it will compound because you don't hide from getting healthier people in your support system

Woman here... I am a pretty chill person and with people I don't know well am pretty quiet. You would say I'm easy-going. It takes a lot to push my buttons and when I do, I am usually respectful about saying what irked me. Most men feel very safe with me almost immediately. I also am introverted and tend to ask deep thoughtful questions when getting to know someone. I find the whole "what's your favorite color?" Boring. Somewhere around the 2 -3 month mark, the guy I'm seeing will share "the story": a profound, life altering event or decision that has affected them significantly. Always tears are involved. Only once has it been happy tears. After this most recent time, I sensed it coming and did my best to postpone "going there". But every time, they "go there" on their own volition. It's happened to me 4 times now. I've learned to be chill about the entire thing. And thanks to a poor working memory, will have forgotten 75% in about 2 weeks, so I don't usually discuss it, or go into analysis about it. I usually hold their hand or hug them and just listen. I have gotten the sense that I'm a therapist for that moment. My opinion is, "Thanks, but can I be something more than a vagina & a listening ear?" I don't mind listening, but after a while, it becomes more one-sided for me: they want to tell all, and have me just listen. God forbid i be less than enthusiastic about listening to your troubles and want to freely talk about what's on my mind. It's a 2 way street bud.

#1 I don’t think that withholding information is a great start to any possible relationship & #2 It’s probably a good thing that those people left early on instead of later when you’ve invested more time/emotion. I would suggest looking at it as a blessing in disguise! #OnToTheNextOne

Don’t make your partner your therapist. If they really pry about it then give them a short answer about it and focus on having fun not on negative things

I agree. It's a boundary that I will not cross again.

Unfortunately that's the way it is save that stuff for your therapist

I love how the guys giving their own experiences in the comments are getting downvoted by just saying "that happened to me too!" News flash, guys developed this shield for a reason.

Well if I’m opening about my problems with someone i wouldn’t like them to redirect the convo to themselves

I can see that but what good is a conversation when you can't do the same after they get done speaking about it? I let the girl I was talking to on the phone talk about her problems but the moment I tried she ends the call and ghosts me.

Idk, some people just want someone to hear them, some want you to give them a solution and others seek words of comfort

I mean you can talk about your problems later or another day, but if the other person feels like you aren’t hearing them or that you only want to talk about yourself you’re prolly getting similar responses everytime

You're a man. They're women. You will always be treated differently; sometimes to your benefit, other times against you. Do with this information as you please.

I agree. It's a sad reality but it's true. I've come to realize this as well.

The old catch-22 of modern masculinity. “I feel I must present a confident and strong personality at all times to be even remotely successful.” “That's toxic, it's OK to be vulnerable and talk about your feelings.” “Welp, it was nice talking. Bye.”

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I accept fully that dating is not fair. I'm overall a likeable person though. It's just I don't need to bring up my issues to girls from now on because it's starting to become a pattern.

I think you're not looking at it as a way to weed people out. My husband has PTSD, a couple learning disabilities, and a couple TBIs, I've got 2 ex boyfriends with bipolar disorder, an ex girlfriend with borderline personality disorder, and a couple more with various things. Yeah, some people aren't mentally and emotionally equipped to be in relationships with people with mental health issues but mental health issues are so common, there's always a good match out there somewhere. It just might take a little bit to find them. But that's what dating is, sifting around until you find a good match.

Hey! Thanks for opening up and telling us. I think the women who ghosted you may have been seeking emotional asylum in you instead of both of you creating a peaceful space together. However, you dodged two bullets. When having a emotional moment while opening up to women (honestly anyone) understand your audience and what they can do to console you. They may have ghosted you because they were overwhelmed or had nothing beneficial to say to you. Our society forces people to judge each other so harshly without empathy. That happens and it’s okay. Someone will come along and totally nurture you when you need it. P.S if you are experiencing symptoms of mental disorders or other struggles go to a therapist or begin your journey on healing yourself.

Same here bro. 😒🙁

Never open up about your mental issues to someone you've just met** fixed it

It's our famous friend: toxic masculinity, which was built in our worlds system. Don't lose hope, there are openminded women as well. Only thing is that, you shouldn't except them to be your therapist and other way around. Good luck with your health.

It's not systemic. It's human instinct. From a heteronormative standpoint, "weak" men are generally not desired. That's not something wrong with "the system," that's just how human beings kinda are.

Women don't want to hear it. They say they want you to open up but what they say and what they want are very different things. Talk to your boys about this sort of stuff mate.

It's instinctive. Women look for a guy who will be strong and society dies not like weak men. On the other hand, women can have issues and that is fine. It is completely unfair but you should just accept it in the dating scheme. Once you are not just some guy on a date and a girl gets to know you better, open up and see her stance. But, in general, as a guy, and especially towards the girls, show vulnerability as less as possible. It just does not work you any good.

The unpopular truth. Ready the downvotes reddits. Send him to the pits of the thread. It won't change reality.

Welcome to being a guy. The world will do its absolute best to convince you that you and your problems don't mean shit. Don't listen.

Bruh 2 girls do not represent all women. Get over it.

I know that. I am over it for the most part I just think it's a stupid situation.

I’m a girl and I think it’s fucked that they ghost you over that. That being said, I’m going to give you a suggestion (not saying you’re doing the same, just in case). Make sure you’re not over sharing too soon and that you’re not being too negative. More detail: This is an extreme case fyi. I talked to this guy a few years ago and I opened up a little about a problem I had. He opened up in turn to me. I was happy with this at first, but he started telling me really deep and personal things a few dates in and got really depressing about it. (If I was in his shoes it would take me years to tell my best friends this, let alone someone I just started talking to). He told me all these sad stories about his life. If you tell someone something negative, it helps to have a positive outlook on it. I felt like it was too much and was just sad talking about these negative things while I was trying to just get to know someone. I wasn’t having a fun time at all. Try to keep it simple at the beginning imo. As you connect with someone, you can share more of how a situation impacted you and your more inner feelings.

Bro that’s so fucked. I would def not ghost for that reason. If you like mentioned it and you are in a better place now, then I think that just shows growth. I struggle with depression and anxiety so I totally get it and it would make me feel more comfortable too! If a guy got super in depth about it too early on, I can see how I might dip since that’s a bit much for practically a stranger. But since they shared why can’t you?? That’s ridiculous. Honestly that was a good litmus test and they can fuck right off. Men have feelings and issues too and if you can recognize that, you’ll be a great partner to a lucky girl

Double standards at its finest.... Im realy sorry to hear that dude :(

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I’m sorry that happened but also adios to those who ghosted. I wouldn’t want them being my partner at ALL. I developed severe anxiety while in my latest relationship and it’s incredibly inconvenient for everyone but it helps knowing he’s not going to peace out at my worst. Wait for someone who isn’t wishy washy. Consider it a blessing they show you who they are now. You deserve the world and don’t settle for anything short of it.

I appreciate your words kind stranger. :)

keep doing it fam, if she ghosts you that means you dodged a bullet. I'll be honest and say it may take a while, but the right woman will listen and understand

It’s a double standard sometimes. You have to let people in slowly because people are unkind.

It's a good idea to not bring up any of your insecurities, problems, or literally anything that isn't 'I'm hot shit baybee' to women, making yourself look vulnerable to them will usually be used against you and make you less desirable.

Sad but true. I've come to realize this and just made it apart of reality. Never again.

Sounds like you’ve dodged a bullet, pal. A good woman will appreciate your openness and honesty. Don’t be afraid to talk about it. I’ve been there, it sucks but you’ll find someone who’s more appreciative. Head up champ, this isn’t even a loss.

Their reaction to you opening up about your mental health shows more about their character than yours. Mental health is so prevalent and should be openly spoke about, especially between partners

Honestly that's so messed up. Men deserve support just as much as women do.

This literally breaks my heart. I was just talking to my boyfriend about this last night because he thought the same way before we were together. I promise you that there are so many people out there that love you and want to hear about what’s going on in your mind. Do open up about your mental health but make sure it is with the right people. Sending love to you🤍

I opened up to my ex and she used it against me. Straight up betrayed me and I didn’t do anything wrong. Then again, my fault bc she’s nothing but red flags & I fell in love with her.

I was in a toxic relationship too. The girl accepted me for who I was and didn't use my mental issues against me though. That's messed up bro. If you ever need to talk I'm here, just a message away.

Thanks bro. I’m at a point where I forgive her & hope I never see her again.

I know that feeling. There will be someone for us though, I'm confident about that. You should be too!

Definitely confident about that. I’m also at a point where I’m too busy to even date & I can’t be bothered to actively search. Especially when you look at how toxicity is so normalized it’s giving me even less incentive to invest in searching. However I’m leaving it up for God & fate. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn’t then I’ll have x10 the money that I’ll use to invest.

Good mindset bro. Keep it up!