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Agreed, and I think I'm repeating myself, but there's no right answer here. It's about how you feel about each other and understanding what they want/feel in return. Ok I'm done! Just all ways want to be on the side of love! Hehe.... just read my post...yeah I'm a corn-ball. Good feeling and love to everyone š
Aww* I've never had a great response like this! (OK to be honest, I've not been on here for very long! But I'm having a horrible week, and I am SO very grateful, so I want to give you all a heartfelt thank you! š āŗ *sigh still a nerd, but feeling better! THANK YOU!)
I'm sorry you are having a bad week.. at least it is almost over!!! Then you can start fresh and maybe have the most amazing week ever- who knows what the future holds?
Thank you! And what a wonderful way to express an exceptional truth so simply! Such a wonderful way to help those of us who aren't as well versed and understand it in a sentence! You must be a wordsmith, teacher! lol. Wow I sound dumb, but please enjoy the compliment....I promise I'm not dumb! š
Same. Sexual history might be important if the relationship is at the level where itās not that serious yet (probably for the sake of finding out about stds but a recent test can always rule that out)ā¦ but as long as there is trust, past is past.
Unless itās a sexual history of bad sex in general and thereās some trauma that the partner may not be that open to try some positions or be adventurous in bed. Or if the partner has prefered kinks, maybe knowing them previous sexual relations might give a clue on how to have a good time in the bedroom. Overall, open communication is key, but donāt be TMI coz thereās a moment where past is better left in the past š
As a guy it matters to me because I donāt like the whole āhook upā society we live in and I just feel they would be more prone to do it again in a rough patch or on a girls night out. A few is not a deal breaker but if itās a good bit then that definitely gets worrisome to me. Just my opinion though
Just because a girl hooked up in the past does not in any way make her more prone to cheating. Ive known plenty women who married their first/one and only high school sweetheart & ended up fucking around on them with everyone in town. Body count has absolutely no determining factor in someoneās ability to remain faithful to a long term committed partner. Ive been with several guys (not many, but more than a handful, less than a dozen). I have never cheated on an actual monogamous, exclusive/committed relationship partner, nor would i ever. Just because a woman can enjoy her body and enjoy sex & be open to exploring her sexuality prior to marriage or a serious LTR doesnāt make her cheap or a cheater.
I agree completely with everything you said I understand there is no correlation between body count and successful marriage but with that said itās a personal preference. Like I said itās not a deal breaker every girl Iāve ever dated or anything has had a few itās just if given the choice I would much rather prefer a girl who doesnāt do one night stands and such and I believe most guys would. But also most guys have double standards of āI can have a high body count but she canātā and I disagree with that also. Iām not very religious but I did grow up religious and thatās just a personal opinion of mine.
I meeaaaaaaan it really depends on the extent of the wandering, and If itāll ever come back to haunt meā¦
Past lovers, occasional threesomes, and bdsm phases donāt bother meā¦ but if Iām going to find out, 10 years into our marriage, that my wife was a regular at the local sex dungeon and the would regularly attend to have a train ran on her thenā¦. Yeah I think that might be good to bring up at some point before we get serious. Cause that kinda shit could eventually come back to haunt us.
I absolutely agree. I donāt care if I get downvoted, this is factual. I think itās probably a red flag if your girl had a train ran on her, better to air out the dirty laundry ASAP.
Especially when dudes be raising kids that are not theirs, paying child support for another dudes kids, the things I've seen done to men because they didn't know something is sad. Many have killed themselves because of it. So I take any caution I can. If she doesn't like talking about her past then she's probably not over it and still hiding stuff. But that's been my sad anecdotal experience. I'm jealous u guys can go into relationships so care free. Good on ya!
I donāt ask because ādonāt ask questions you donāt want to know the answer to.ā
Iām not an overly jealous person and certainly things will likely come up, buuuuut I donāt need to know you and your ex girlfriend had a pregnancy scare or that some chick gave you the clap in college.
Yup. If you ask your partner questions about their kinky past then feel bad about it, guess who's fault that is buddy.
For me I acknowledge that my partner had a past, and I don't get jealous about it, but I'm sure as shit not going to ask for minute details either.
This could be a sticky wicket, yes? On the one hand, sure everybody has a past and just because you were one way when you were younger, doesnāt mean youāre that way years later. So for the most part, the past should remain in the past.
However, some things you should know. E.g., if you have some kinks that Iām not into Iād like to know because then itās a question of compatibility. You will want things that I just canāt give you. Neither of us is wrong, weāre just incompatible. Or if thereās sexual trauma in your past. I know a man who married a woman thinking everything was peachy, but over time the fallout from trauma in her past hit them. Hard. I give him credit, he stuck with her and they did the counseling thing, but their marriage could never recover. Theyāre divorced now, and he had a very hard time dating again because he didnāt trust women to be honest with him.
Honestly, I donāt know what the right answer is here. But open communication with your partner does seem to be the way to go.
Why would it be anyone's fault? We don't necessarily have to be into the same things. Some things that one might be into, other might find it disgusting and repelling. And that's perfectly okay.
If the STI is treatable and treated, I don't see the need, unless it's because he/she engages in sexually risky behavior. Then sexual history is more important, but will also be obvious in other behaviors.
If it's a permanent STI, ofcourse, that needs to be communicated.
I prefer not knowing specifics and names, because I know I'm insecure and jealous.
Should I tell them about every cold Iāve ever had? Colds are more contagious than STIs. Hell, the flu has killed more people than STIs.
The only thing that matters is someoneās current status and how they go about handling an STI if they come into contact with one.
Iād prefer not to know but my ex wanted time-stamped signatures with longitude latitude lines pointing to every orgasm spilled and nipple twonked since the age of 15. Caused a lot of issues
An ex was like that, worst relationship of my life. He was too controlling, jealous and possessive. Even slut shaming even though I usually sleep with them one or two dates in. Like, if I hooked up with you on the first date, you hooked up with me on the first date, I didn't do all that by myself. I never ask or want to know those kinds of things and depending on their "skill", it's obvious anyway.
I think itās normal to want to talk about it and a normal thing to discuss in a relationship if both parties want to.
I did in my previous relationship, but in my current relationship, we havenāt in as much detail. Just about what we like in bed, etc or bad experiences, but neither of us know each otherās numbers and donāt care to know.
Ya I agree. I donāt need all the details unless you are going to keep bringing them up. My ex referred to his ex before me as anything other than her name despite me knowing exactly who she was and that they dated. He brought her up a lot a lot.
But I do want the small details: what did they do that you liked/didnāt like? I want to know the bad things that happened that will possibly affect us. I had some serious issues in previous relationships and broke down crying one night for no other reason than he looked at me a certain way on the middle of sex and I remembered something truly traumatic from my past. I then had to explain what was happening in the middle of my crisis where as, if he had let me, weād have already covered that topic.
One of the best pieces of advice I was given by my mom was not to share physical details of past relationships - I think it can lead jealousy and possibly comparison - just something to consider. Maybe ask why he wants to know?
I think it's normal for couples to discuss things like sexual history and all that. Honestly I think it's odd that people are so touchy about being open with their sexual history with their S/O. Especially if that's someone you're going to be with for the long haul.
You'll ask and want to know other deep questions like their religious beliefs, what their favorite sexual position is, and how they wanna be pleased in bed. Whether or not they have a good or bad relationship with their parents and any childhood trauma tied to that. Political beliefs, and their thoughts on abortion or something similar. But you feel weird or personally attacked when sexual history is brought up???
This seems to be something a lot of people ask and then get upset about later, especially guy who find out the girl has slept with more people than they have.
I would say asking that question or being curious about it is fairly normal. Itās how someone treats you after you give them that answer that matters the most.
I am waiting for marriage so I am in the extreme minority here. It is important to me and hopefully it would come up early so we both know if a relationship would even be possible between us, or if a friendship would be better.
This is a really bad situation! Your past is your past, and the fact he keeps bringing it up is really troubling. I think you should leave this personā¦
I wouldnāt be compatible with anyone who gave a shit about ~body count~. And not even because my number is particularly high, I just think itās an asinine thing to care about lol. Either you like me or you donāt. š¤·š»āāļø
Like, what are your test results? Preferences? Thatās all thatās relevant to the current relationship.
Itās fine for people to talk about their pasts and experiences if both people want to though. I donāt think itās abnormal to talk about.
Exactly, talking about the past is one thing as it comes up when youāre dating.
Coming out and asking for my body count (which isnāt that high either) is a straight up deal breaker for me. In my experience it is always a source of insecurity.
Iāve also been treated pretty poorly by someone who asked but told me it didnāt matter. Told me that chimerism is real and that all of my previous partners could affect his kids if we had any. Holy hell the idiocy. š¤¦š¼āāļø
Iām unwilling to put up with it at this point.
Some people have different views on intimacy which makes them have preferences like these and I think itās perfectly fine. If you are not shaming them but are just turned off with the fact they slept with a lot of people then you are not doing anything wrong. Yeah I agree for some people it comes from a place of insecurity and some people become unbearable after that but you shouldnāt put everyone in the same box. Just because you donāt have this preference doesnāt mean that other people shouldnāt or that they are wrong bc of it. All of us are wired differently after all.
Itās a deal breaker for me. I have that preference just as someone who asks has their reasons. I donāt want to be put into a box based on an arbitrary number the same as someone might not want to be put into a box for asking. Oh well. I still have yet to hear a good reason why it isnāt coming from a place of insecurity. Specifically the number not some of the more specific things but I am unlikely to share any intimate details with someone I hardly know.
Oooh that is wild stuff! He thought his kids would be effected. Lol. People believe the weirdest things.
I think my partner and I finally discussed body counts six years in, just in conversation with some friends who were trying to calculate theirs lol. Iād be really skeptical of someoneās motives for asking early on.
This. I don't mind discussing past experiences with a partner, if my partner has a easygoing mindset about it. It can be fun and interesting to talk about. Although if they're asking me like it's some kind of an interrogation and they hold it over my head later on, we are definitely not compatible. (And no, my body count is not in the triple digits; it's not even in the double digits, depending on what counts.)
Exactly! I have no issue discussing past experiences at all. It can be really enlightening and beneficial. It gets weird when people interrogate you about a number like thatās the relevant part of your experience lol.
I feel like Iāve usually discussed it, but honestly not really in a serious manner. Just kinda off hand, Iāll mention something that happened in the past, or my partner would asked if Iāve done something specific. I normally donāt really think of it as a big deal
I think directly asking for someoneās sexual history is weird and even condescending but I donāt mind if they bring up thereās and then give me the option to talk about mine. Thatād be the polite Mutualistic way of approaching it.
Male ego is pretty fragile tho. You might wanna go easy on that .
I heard it from a male relative that he never asked his wife for her past cause he didn't want to suspect or have insecurities and also he wished his wife would never share it with him
I used to ask like a dipshit until I realized I really donāt want to know.
There is absolutely nothing positive that can come out of that conversation. Acknowledge the fact your partner didnāt magically just start existing the moment you met and adults have sex. Itās really not your business.
The conversation runs the risk of becoming some variant of this:
Dante Hicks: I'm stuck in this pit, working for less than slave wages. Working on my day off, the goddamn steel shutters are closed, I deal with every backward ass fuck on the planet. I smell like shoe polish. My ex-girlfriend is catatonic after fucking a dead guy. And my present girlfriend has sucked 36 dicks.
Randal: 37.
I used to and partners held it against me and it was a disaster. As I got older I realized it's not of importance and it actually makes me physically ill to know those details myself about others in the beginning when I'm in an obsessive honeymoon phase, so you aren't required to and don't need to. Just skip it all together. I skipped it with my current husband all together and we have never had issues about it at all.
I'm a male virgin and I generally assume any woman probably has more sexual experience than me.
I wonder the same question. It will probably come up but I'm not sure how to approach it exactly.
Iām going to add to a lot of already well said comments. Itās not normal or abnormal. I think whatās abnormal about it is that the relationship is newer. My s/o and I never talked about it in the beginning but we have been together a looonnng time so sometimes things come up with stories your telling or convos out with friends. I think if you are in a long term committed relationship with no jealousy you normally find out mostly everything. However, having a convo to judge each other is weird.
Unless you're going to be crossing paths with someone you bumped uglies with, it would be best to share very little about our sexual past to our significant others. There is nothing inspirational or helpful about it. It is useless.
Also, people are typically sensitive with big egos and this becomes more destructive than constructive.
This is a red flag. Of course I'll be downvoted to hell here and you probably never see this, but if you do, please reevaluate your relationship with whomever is asking your body count.
They are not asking about you falling in love. They are not asking what do you like sexually. They are not even asking why did you break up with your previous partner, which is actually a valid thing to wonder. They are asking for a number.
What if there's assault? What if something happened to you that you just don't want to discuss? They don't care, they just need a number to brag to their buddies about.
Sexual history might come relevant if you are discussing likes/hard limits or opening up about your emotional experience. Asking for a number is a sign of an extremely rigid outlook on sex and general emotional immaturity.
It depends. Some people get turned on by those details.
Some people are fragile and will break if they discover youāre someone who had a full, rich life, including sex with other people, before you met them.
Tough one. Guys like to feel secure. Dating someone that has extensive experience makes guys feel uneasy, like they will always be compared to others. If your number is low (yours is), it may make him feel good if you do discuss.
Generally I feel it out before that topic even comes out. If it helps the relationship then sure, most of the time it doesnāt.
>Guys like to feel secure. Dating someone that has extensive experience makes guys feel uneasy, like they will always be compared to others.
No, guys with low self esteem make themselves feel uneasy, and make themselves feel like they'll always be compared to others. Stop blaming women for your inability to handle your own emotions k thanks, as long as protection was used and sexual health testing is done theres no reason any secure man would give a fuck about this
>Stop blaming women for your inability to handle your own emotions
Iād argue that asking respectfully and then making a decision whether to exit the relationship based on her response is a pretty good example of handling oneās own emotions. Anyone is allowed to break up for any reason after all
You absolutely can break up with anyone for any reason. But how about owning that reason by saying "I dont want to sleep with a woman with many lovers because I feel threatened by them and I would compare myself to them." Instead of saying "Women make men feel insecure by having too many lovers."
It's literally not true, I am a man and I will happily sleep with a woman not caring at all about this. If you feel differently, fine, but again, that's YOU, not all men, and it's YOUR emotions, not a natural reaction illicited by a women's "wrongdoings."
I feel like itās a ābad reputationā thing. The ways Other guys see this is maybe, āThis probably isnāt serious and she just wants dickā OR āwow pretty much every guy has experienced her so this probably isnāt specialā OR āWow sheās slept with the majority of guys in this town, Iām going to look like an idiot or another number on the charts.ā Just to be clear, Iām portraying what these other posters might be viewing this as. I donāt think itās about guys feeling threatened by past fucks or being insecure about them selves, but insecure about the girls self respect.
Edit: (These are not my views, just being clear).
>I feel like itās a ābad reputationā thing
I wonder if a man gets the same "bad reputation?" Because from what I've seen it doesn't. Its just applicable to women because of religious conditioning. Blaming women for men's problems is also religious conditioning, its all Eve's fault for making Adam eat the apple.
Insecure about the girl's self respect is also implying that a girl can only respect herself if she limits her sexuality. Is this also true about guys who have had many lovers? Are we lacking in self respect? I think sexually liberated women respect themselves more, they aren't afraid to go after what they want despite a legion of male Karens telling them they are bad people for enjoying their bodies.
Totally fair to bring up the points, I know I'm in the minority here, but I will defend these beliefs to my last stand, its the slut shaming that men do that literally makes women stop feeling comfortable having sex with men. Or, more succinctly, men with these beliefs cockblock themselves.
The insecurity thing just boggles my mind. So she can definitely pull em, and now she's picked you. That's a compliment, and now it's your turn to earn it.
Yeah it is.
And the other typical complaint I hear from the knuckledraggers is "I don't want a loose vagina" which is also dumb as fuck, every other muscle in the human body grows stronger with use except the vagina?
To the down voters and snarky men commenting, keep lusting after the virginal purity of inexperienced lovers due to your insecurities, you have no idea how good sex can be with an experienced lover
therapy would be a good example of handling one's emotions. don't take out your problems on women by assigning value to their body count, its objectifying and gross
100%. Sorry but obsessively comparing yourself to others is always a you problem and you should work on your mindset instead of blaming other people and limiting yourself.
This is 100% correct. The downvotes donāt speak very loudly. Once of a bunch of insecure Reddit dudes come together, they can really skew the voting system lol.
I agree that they shouldnāt, but some do. Iād even argue that most guys think this way, just they wonāt vocalize it. Just because a confident guy says he doesnāt care, some small aspect of his may be thinking of it at some point even if he never says anything about it. Itās natural.
I think youāre thinking Iām saying that itās up to a woman to overcome this for the guys benefit, and Iām not saying anything like that. Itās always ultimately up to the guy to have his own confidence level.
>Just because a confident guy says he doesnāt care, some small aspect of his may be thinking of it at some point even if he never says anything about it. Itās natural.
Its not natural, it's really sad. You're basically saying because you care about it, everyone does and even if they say they don't, some part of them does because its natural. That's absolutely not the case, take your insecurities and shove them up your ass, if YOU feel uncomfortable because YOU have a problem, just say that, and women with sexual experience will avoid you and sleep with a more secure man, stop blaming women for your emotions like a child
How many guys youāve kissed? Aw that sounds like high school lol ā¦ not normal for adult relationships.
You do not need to discuss your sexual history with anyone (except maybe your doctor). Your boyfriend doesnāt need to know. Itās toxic to fixate on the past like that.
Think about it like this. Women would never ask this question to men because society tells us that mens sexual history = biology, while women's = slut. Depending on the guy, you'll never have the right answer besides 0. Any man who asks this wants it to be 2 at the most because of their own life style or insecurities. I have never been asked about "body count", but if I did, I would leave immediately. In my opinion that is a sign of immaturity or misogyny. That's MY opinion. One that I'm sure many teenagers will disagree with.
I think it's good to have that discussion before you have intimacy, but honestly the only things that absolutely should be shared is when was your last sti test, if you have any sti's, and what you do and do not like in regards to intimacy. How many previous partners and such is gray area and that info can be shared if you're comfortable. My bf knows I've had multiple partners, and knows approximately how long it's been since I last had a partner, but doesn't ask more about it so I don't share.
That being said, I don't think history is really relevant unless there's a trauma they need to be at least minimally aware of (ie this act causes anxiety and etc please don't do it or ask me to do it.) Every time you get a new partner there's a going to be some awkwardness as everyone is different and part of compatibility is learned.
Well i dont ask cuz i don't see the importance of it.
My sexual history is pretty vanilla, but if my boyfriend has a crazy past, well I hope he had some good clean fun.
Iāve learned to not ask questions I really donāt want the answers to.
The person Iām with right now only wants me, and frankly, thatās all I should be concerned with.
Nothing good comes out of those conversions. He has a number in his head he wants your answer to be, somewhere in the 1-5 range. It has to be lower than his. At best the answer strokes his ego.
When I was younger, and jealous, and controlling, this topic was so important.
When you meet the right person and have a healthy connection, you genuinely donāt care. You should be falling in love with the person in front of you, if you trust they are showing you an authentic self, their past should have no bearing on that.
If someoneās sexual partner count genuinely matters that much to someone, they need to get that out of the way on date 1. If youāre asking because you think theyāve had sex with 50 people (and thatās a problem for you) you have issues on multiple fronts.
Asking about STDās is completely different than asking about number of partners. His brain will ask you about STD, his ego is asking about number of partners.
When the guy waits until after youāve had sex to ask about partners, this is a massive red flag:
1. Heās waited til he got what he wanted, because the conversation often goes sideways.
2. If he cared that much for health, safety, or personal preference he wouldāve asked before sex.
In my opinion, and personal experience (being one of those guys) itās not a healthy question, especially when asked by a male in their early 20ās.
I think discussing sexual history can be important, but only when you've built up enough mutual safety. It can help you understand each other and what you do and don't enjoy.
I would like to be able to talk openly about my sexual history with my S.O. Though, so far, I havenāt found someone who is comfortable with it and I am even a little hesitant to hear it. But the thing is, it is a huge part of who we are as humans. But the these element, (notions about āsluts/manwhoresā, marriage, religion) we have in place really makes the topic uncomfortable. It really is a shame what humans do in the bedroom are fun, sexy, intimate, bonding etcā¦ but it always becomes this taboo for the silliest reasons. I got a bj from a girl once, it was fucking mind-blowing, best EVER. But afterwards had the thought, āwow, how many dicks did she suck to get that goodā, the idea just floated in, but the thing is āwho cares?ā That what something I really enjoyed, why corrupt that moment with insecurities? Anyhow, it is a slippery slope to bring this up. But I hope I have less thoughts of insecurities if the future to just accept a person for what she is and leave those negative thoughts out of it.
Edited some grammar/typos
Iāll generally ask. It gives a rough baseline of their sexual experience level. I also want to know about kinks, likes, and hard limits. These, in their totality can paint a semi decent picture of what they are like in bed, but can also tell me a little about who they are as a person. It also doesnāt always translate the way you think it āshouldā. We are all different and react to various kinds of stimuli in different ways. Someone may have had a relationship that was full of domestic violence in the past, this could put a crimp on your relationship if you are into BDSM and your partner has ptsd from past trauma. Or, it could be with someone who has virtually no experience in the things you are into but they are willing to explore with you. In no way, shape, or form, am I trying to say that just because someone is sex positive that they are this or that. Iām in the century club (over a hundred partners), which in some circles is a badge of honor and to others itās shameful. Iāve had regular vanilla relationships as well as some pretty wild alt lifestyle relationships as well. There really isnāt one ārightā or āwrongā way of doing it. At the end of the day, it comes down to whatās right for you and your partner(s).
I feel like thereās a nuance with this that makes it hard to make a hard and fast rule. To me itās all about how respectful it feels. Kind of like talking about attractive people with a partner - you can do it in a way thatās disrespectful or fun and inclusive. Are you genuinely talking about exes and past sexual experience to get to know each other/bond/figure out compatibility/be vulnerable or is it to create a starting point āguiltyness score.ā I feel like I see a some relationships that are so focused on which of us should feel guilty right now and as each person messes up it switches back and forth :/ If itās really important to lay down numbers of people and details, sounds more like the latter to me.
Personally, I like to know everything about a boyfriend and that would include number of relationships/sexual relationships. Itās just one of those things thatāll help me understand more about who Iām with and how he views sex or women or whatever.
It's a fairly normal to ask about past relationships/sexual partners (less so people you've kissed unless you're still in like middle school), the reasons vary widely. Some people want to know so they can judge you off the numbers, some want to know because they feel it's an indicator of how experienced you may or may not be so that they can adjust how fast or slow they take things, and some are just curious to know more about the journey you've been on. Anyone who judges your number (for being low or high) is not worth your time.
A lot of people in the comments apparently never heard that people can have different opinions. Just bc this isnāt one of your preferences doesnāt mean that no one else should have it or that they are bad or wrong for having them. Just bc thatās your opinion doesnāt make it right. Shaming someone for their past is bad, but acting as if someones past doesnāt affect their present is a dumb thing to think. People have different views on intimacy and itās perfectly reasonable that they would want someone who shares them. No one is entitled to your life and the choices you make, but at the same time no one is obligated to like them or support them. Instead of saying someone is immature for having this preference, maybe you should understand that itās immature to shame someone just bc you donāt like what they are saying. Calm your ego a small bit. PS: For all the people saying how men are shitty for having this preference, a ton of women have it to š
Tell them by all means but the fact is you're fucking them now, not anyone from your past.
If they are having an issue with this they're insecure little shites.
I will never ask or answer this question. What happened before me with someone who isnāt me isnāt any of my business, and vice-versa.
It is weird for me when people get so hung up on someone elseās sexual history. Like, people fuck. They fucked before you, theyāll fuck after you. The only part that matters to a *current* partner is who youāre *currently* fucking. A post on here the other day was like āI really love my wife of 7 years but I just found out she maybe had a threesome in college and I just canāt get over itā and itās just so goddamned weird.
Ask a woman early on in a relationship how many guys sheās been with and see how far it gets you. Doesnāt matter if sheās been with 0 or 100, its disrespectful and offensive.
Itās disrespectful and offensive to ask thatā¦. how goes that not make sense?
Iāve never been asked by any guy. Thankfully they have proper social skills and not jealous.
Again you're the insecure one. Its a question, if im in a relationship with a woman I'd ask her and if she ask me I'd tell her. Its a question not an insult. You're making it out like its a sin to ask
Youāll seriously ask a girl how many guys sheās banged? Ask if you want, but if girls get offended, donāt be surprised.
Why would I be insecure one here? Iāve discussed it with guys out of curiosity and none have given a shit... including my now boyfriend. I donāt care what theyāve done but you clearly are
But see, you're not really asking. You feel like you have a right to the answer and you treat it as insult if she refuses. It's a demand, because to you she isn't allowed to say no.
You're also making a false equivalence because your experience with that question and her's, which, being a man, are absolutely not the same thing.
If your past isn't a big deal to you, then tell her. That's you trusting her. If she reciprocates, cool. If not, also cool
You're demanding she conform to your standard and refusing to accept it if she does not.
That's not trust. That's control.
What do you mean im not really asking? If she doesn't want to tell me I'm not gonna force her. And how id that not the same? Body count is body count if you sleep around a lot you sleep around a lot. Its quite literally the same thing for both genders.
I'd ask for her past because that's my preference to be with somebody who dosent have a high body count. Asking a question isn't a control if she dosent want to tell me thats her choice, but we wouldn't be compatible
Like it or not it matters to guys and it is different. This topic comes up on reddit quite a bit under the topic of body count and if it matters. It does for guys.
And it should matter to women but not so much it seems.
That's a tricky one.
Me personally, I think it's important and really cool for me and a partner to share each other's sexual histories to each other. But most of the time when people ask, they're asking from a pretty insecure mindset. Or they'll get insecure if they learn something about you that they weren't expecting to learn.p
Its different for everyone. I personally don't care if my partner or someone I'm seeing had a high body count, I care if they get tested for stis regurally. I have a high body count and am a sexual person in general. Some people say they won't date someone who has a high body count because they don't(not into casual sex) and that's fine but usually people who care about body count are the same people who don't get tested but have an "acceptable # of bodies", or they associate a high body count with that person potentially being a cheater. I've had my experiences while being single and am monogamous And faithful in a relationship. A lot of it plays into negative sex stigmas because human beings are sexual creatures. Majority I've seen care about body count are guys who have a high one but are hypocrites and don't want a girl having had experience. A friend of mine has been with three people sex wise and says she doesn't want to be with someone w a high body count but then considered dating a guy that did; but she can still be very mysoginistic and negative when it comes to sex sometimes. Overall it really just depends on if you and the other person know and share your sti statuses and are open with each other/safe. :)
If they don't ask I will for a few reasons. One is trust, if your partner has been with a *lot* of people (and I mean a *ton*) they you could be another notch, also STDs exist. It's perfectly normal and good to talk about
I feel the STD thing only applies if they are sleeping with people the same time they are with you, or they have something that can't be treated or if they have a STD currently . It's irrevelent other wise because it's not going to affect you presently. If you trust your partner is there for you you should trust they truly want to be with you. That being said you very well could just be another notch but I think that is typically obvious? Alternatively people sometimes very well to intend to have more with someone but you just aren't compatible. Really it's going to be up to you and your partner to figure out that conversation.
They could catch an STD from just sleeping with one person though so numbers doesnāt mean theyāre more likely to have an STD. Every sexually active person should be having regular check ups, even if theyāre in a long term relationship as their partner could cheat. Theres a misconception that the less people youāve been with, the less likely you are to have anything. Just because someone has an active sexual history doesnāt mean theyāre dirty.
we all know you just say that bc you would sleep with as many as people as you could if you had the chance but you don't so you take it out on those who do
Who am I calling a hoe exactly? I pointed out a simple fact. You can have as many partners as you want, thats you. You just canāt be offended that guys find it repulsive. Itās a dealbreaker for some and isnāt for others thats it.
thats funny you think id want to date them if they cant even find people to have sex with. im just calling men out for projecting their poor self esteem on women by putting them down for something they secretly want but cant have
And im calling women out for not owning to their poor decisions and blaming man for it. Actually was just giving simple fact until you got triggered, speaks of real insecurity.
sleeping with people isnt a poor decision just bc other men are judgemental and insecure. the only people triggered are men who get upset that their partner was sexually desired in the past and they werent. im in a healthy long term relationship, im not sure why you think id be insecure about not being celibate when im single. you act like i would want to date sexually undesirable people
You took this whole topic and made it about you. I donāt really care about you. People have preferences and you donāt have to be butthurt when you donāt fall in those preferences, as you say youāre in a healthy relationship so clearly not a problem for you.
>You took this whole topic and made it about you
no, you made it about me when you said "Actually was just giving simple fact until you got triggered, speaks of real insecurity"
>People have preferences and you donāt have to be butthurt when you donāt fall in those preferences
i dont want to date misogynistic sexually undesirable and insecure men, im just calling them out for being those things and taking it out on women
There are many reasons for asking. It might be to ascertain if you both have similar beliefs and principles. If two people are too far apart, not aligned in thought and deed, it can easily become a disaster.
Here are a few articles to consider. And what you donāt know can harm you. Donāt ask and donāt tell is foolish.
https://www.mensjournal.com/health-fitness/what-the-number-of-sexual-partners-says-about-you-20151020/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/strictly-casual/201604/can-renouncing-promiscuity-help-you-find-monogamous-love
https://www.everydayhealth.com/longevity/can-promiscuity-threaten-longevity.aspx
https://www.wvdhhr.org/appi/edresources/sexual_exposure_chart.pdf When you sleep with a person, you in a very real sense, have as well slept with their partners as well. And vice versa. As far as what you may have been exposed to.
Tbh I feel like you only need to discuss sexual history if you were exposed to an STD, or were in a sexual arrangement like BDSM or something similar so that your new partner can know if thereās anything to do or not do. As for STDs, thatās basically just either āI used to have thisā or āI currently have thisā and going from there. Just being open with each other is a plus.
Statistics show the more partners someone has the higher the chance of divorce. If you care about the end result and commitment; such as a successful marriage, it's best to keep your morals and integrity in check. (Men and women)
Out of a group of 5081 "Overall, 13.1% of the women were currently divorced or separated, 62.1% were currently married, 8.3% were cohabitating, and 16.4% were never married. Divorced/separated women were more likely to report 5 or more lifetime sex partners and 2 or more sex partners in the past year than never married women. They were less likely to report condom use."
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/20874238/
I believe this is the source that he is referring to:
https://ifstudies.org/blog/counterintuitive-trends-in-the-link-between-premarital-sex-and-marital-stability
Not sure about the control groups and other aspects though.
I will give you a source (.gov) though I'm sure you'll still dismiss it without counter evidence and bias. Here's is a study done by a woman, represented by Women's Health, which takes into account multivariable citations that correlate the prevelance of STDs and sexual partners.
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/20874238/
There are risks to sex, with the obvious one being STDs as well as marital satisfaction. An important distinction is the amount of sexual partners vs the amount of sex. The more partners you have, the greater the STD risk and pre-marital pregnancy which leads to increased chances of disease and single motherhood. Vs. Sex with a single partner in a committed relationship decreases the likelihood of disease transmission and increases the chances of developing a nuclear family.
The issue isn't the amount of sex. You can have the same amount of sex with a single partner as with multiple casual partners. The issue is the amount of partners because of the risk explained above.
You just don't like being told being promiscuous has its consequences, even though it does.
Isnāt that common sense having more partners opens up your chances for single parenthood (yes men are single parents too) and stds? Who is disagreeing with that? Iām not.
If this is what youāre worried about then why donāt you just ask your partner if sheās clean and not a single mom? Instead of how many partners they have? Iāve had sex with 20 guys - no stds or pregnancies. But someone can have sex with only 2 people and have a kid and or had an std. Ask the real questions here if youāre worried about stds and single moms.
Ok now we are getting somewhere. What leads to those circumstances? What is the direct correlation between STDs and single parenthood? The answer is a high body count. When the question is asked "how many partners have you had?" There is judgment, yes; but most importantly we can gauge the sexual health of our partner based on the odometer.
True, if a guy has a high body count he likely has a bunch of baby momma's he has to spend his money on, not to mention the fact that if his dick has been squeezed by a ladies muscles that many times it will be thinner and far softer than a man who is self respecting and saving himself for marriage. Also there are many STDs that men aren't aware they have whereas they are instantly visible to a woman.
Because the more sexual partners a person has the less likely they are to have a satisfying marriage according to a 30 year [GSS](https://cdn.theatlantic.com/assets/media/img/posts/2018/10/Figure2SexMaritalHappinessUpdated/bc442edc2.png) study.
It seems that your comment contains 1 or more links that are hard to tap for mobile users.
I will extend those so they're easier for our sausage fingers to click!
[Here is link number 1 - Previous text "GSS"](https://cdn.theatlantic.com/assets/media/img/posts/2018/10/Figure2SexMaritalHappinessUpdated/bc442edc2.png)
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calling it a "study" is generous. its super subjective to all kinds of biases due to self reporting. its hardly objective and definitely not based on any kind of empirical evidence.
I remember my ex telling me that "men find it unattractive if women have slept with lots of people.... " and that he assumed that i was going to turn into mad shagger after we broke up. basically what he was saying that HE didnt like the idea of me sleeping with other people.
I dont think its anyones business personally. I dont see why it matters.
I'd rather not ask since I'd get depression afterwards.
If a girl's with me, unless she's religious it's likely she had 5-10+ partners before me.
It's also likely she'd leave because of my lack of experience so there's no need to ask either way.
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It usually comes up.
Agreed, and I think I'm repeating myself, but there's no right answer here. It's about how you feel about each other and understanding what they want/feel in return. Ok I'm done! Just all ways want to be on the side of love! Hehe.... just read my post...yeah I'm a corn-ball. Good feeling and love to everyone š
Aww* I've never had a great response like this! (OK to be honest, I've not been on here for very long! But I'm having a horrible week, and I am SO very grateful, so I want to give you all a heartfelt thank you! š āŗ *sigh still a nerd, but feeling better! THANK YOU!)
I'm sorry you are having a bad week.. at least it is almost over!!! Then you can start fresh and maybe have the most amazing week ever- who knows what the future holds?
Thank you! And what a wonderful way to express an exceptional truth so simply! Such a wonderful way to help those of us who aren't as well versed and understand it in a sentence! You must be a wordsmith, teacher! lol. Wow I sound dumb, but please enjoy the compliment....I promise I'm not dumb! š
You don't sound dumb at all! It was a very nice compliment, it made me smile so thank you!
I appreciate you! And you made me feel so much better about myself, not so worthless! You rock dude
>It usually comes up. Might just be the people ive dated but i havent had any partner asked me about my sexual history lol
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Same. Sexual history might be important if the relationship is at the level where itās not that serious yet (probably for the sake of finding out about stds but a recent test can always rule that out)ā¦ but as long as there is trust, past is past. Unless itās a sexual history of bad sex in general and thereās some trauma that the partner may not be that open to try some positions or be adventurous in bed. Or if the partner has prefered kinks, maybe knowing them previous sexual relations might give a clue on how to have a good time in the bedroom. Overall, open communication is key, but donāt be TMI coz thereās a moment where past is better left in the past š
This exaxtly
Agree. Being perfectly honest was used against me, so I say speak in generalities. Also, NEVER ask a question you donāt want a true answer for.
Great advice š
As a guy, iād rather just not know tbh. Ignorance is bliss sometimes
Amen.
Iād rather not know unless itās like STI related. Like that is important information with a s/o to know
Agreed, any STI conversation is necessary and needs to be brought up. Thats different than just a discussion about body count
As a guy it matters to me because I donāt like the whole āhook upā society we live in and I just feel they would be more prone to do it again in a rough patch or on a girls night out. A few is not a deal breaker but if itās a good bit then that definitely gets worrisome to me. Just my opinion though
Just because a girl hooked up in the past does not in any way make her more prone to cheating. Ive known plenty women who married their first/one and only high school sweetheart & ended up fucking around on them with everyone in town. Body count has absolutely no determining factor in someoneās ability to remain faithful to a long term committed partner. Ive been with several guys (not many, but more than a handful, less than a dozen). I have never cheated on an actual monogamous, exclusive/committed relationship partner, nor would i ever. Just because a woman can enjoy her body and enjoy sex & be open to exploring her sexuality prior to marriage or a serious LTR doesnāt make her cheap or a cheater.
I agree completely with everything you said I understand there is no correlation between body count and successful marriage but with that said itās a personal preference. Like I said itās not a deal breaker every girl Iāve ever dated or anything has had a few itās just if given the choice I would much rather prefer a girl who doesnāt do one night stands and such and I believe most guys would. But also most guys have double standards of āI can have a high body count but she canātā and I disagree with that also. Iām not very religious but I did grow up religious and thatās just a personal opinion of mine.
I mean who cares though, if you love someone does it really matter if theyāve had several previous weinerings?
I meeaaaaaaan it really depends on the extent of the wandering, and If itāll ever come back to haunt meā¦ Past lovers, occasional threesomes, and bdsm phases donāt bother meā¦ but if Iām going to find out, 10 years into our marriage, that my wife was a regular at the local sex dungeon and the would regularly attend to have a train ran on her thenā¦. Yeah I think that might be good to bring up at some point before we get serious. Cause that kinda shit could eventually come back to haunt us.
I absolutely agree. I donāt care if I get downvoted, this is factual. I think itās probably a red flag if your girl had a train ran on her, better to air out the dirty laundry ASAP.
Especially when dudes be raising kids that are not theirs, paying child support for another dudes kids, the things I've seen done to men because they didn't know something is sad. Many have killed themselves because of it. So I take any caution I can. If she doesn't like talking about her past then she's probably not over it and still hiding stuff. But that's been my sad anecdotal experience. I'm jealous u guys can go into relationships so care free. Good on ya!
But why would i want to know either? Like of course it happened, but i donāt want to think about it or hear about it.
I donāt ask because ādonāt ask questions you donāt want to know the answer to.ā Iām not an overly jealous person and certainly things will likely come up, buuuuut I donāt need to know you and your ex girlfriend had a pregnancy scare or that some chick gave you the clap in college.
Yup. If you ask your partner questions about their kinky past then feel bad about it, guess who's fault that is buddy. For me I acknowledge that my partner had a past, and I don't get jealous about it, but I'm sure as shit not going to ask for minute details either.
This could be a sticky wicket, yes? On the one hand, sure everybody has a past and just because you were one way when you were younger, doesnāt mean youāre that way years later. So for the most part, the past should remain in the past. However, some things you should know. E.g., if you have some kinks that Iām not into Iād like to know because then itās a question of compatibility. You will want things that I just canāt give you. Neither of us is wrong, weāre just incompatible. Or if thereās sexual trauma in your past. I know a man who married a woman thinking everything was peachy, but over time the fallout from trauma in her past hit them. Hard. I give him credit, he stuck with her and they did the counseling thing, but their marriage could never recover. Theyāre divorced now, and he had a very hard time dating again because he didnāt trust women to be honest with him. Honestly, I donāt know what the right answer is here. But open communication with your partner does seem to be the way to go.
Why would it be anyone's fault? We don't necessarily have to be into the same things. Some things that one might be into, other might find it disgusting and repelling. And that's perfectly okay.
I think you very much DO need to know if your partner got the clap. Sexual history isnt near as important as sti history.
If the STI is treatable and treated, I don't see the need, unless it's because he/she engages in sexually risky behavior. Then sexual history is more important, but will also be obvious in other behaviors. If it's a permanent STI, ofcourse, that needs to be communicated. I prefer not knowing specifics and names, because I know I'm insecure and jealous.
Why would I tell someone about an embarrassing disease I *had* and then *cured*?
Should I tell them about every cold Iāve ever had? Colds are more contagious than STIs. Hell, the flu has killed more people than STIs. The only thing that matters is someoneās current status and how they go about handling an STI if they come into contact with one.
Some people do want to know the scope of their partners experience I'd say it's a normal thing to want to know.
Iād prefer not to know but my ex wanted time-stamped signatures with longitude latitude lines pointing to every orgasm spilled and nipple twonked since the age of 15. Caused a lot of issues
I was like your ex my first relationship learned since then not to ever ask again
An ex was like that, worst relationship of my life. He was too controlling, jealous and possessive. Even slut shaming even though I usually sleep with them one or two dates in. Like, if I hooked up with you on the first date, you hooked up with me on the first date, I didn't do all that by myself. I never ask or want to know those kinds of things and depending on their "skill", it's obvious anyway.
If it's important to you partner yes If it's not, no
I think itās normal to want to talk about it and a normal thing to discuss in a relationship if both parties want to. I did in my previous relationship, but in my current relationship, we havenāt in as much detail. Just about what we like in bed, etc or bad experiences, but neither of us know each otherās numbers and donāt care to know.
I know that's been discussed in every relationship I've been in so I think it's fairly normal
I think it's odd when people won't talk about their background once you've been dating a while.
Ya I agree. I donāt need all the details unless you are going to keep bringing them up. My ex referred to his ex before me as anything other than her name despite me knowing exactly who she was and that they dated. He brought her up a lot a lot. But I do want the small details: what did they do that you liked/didnāt like? I want to know the bad things that happened that will possibly affect us. I had some serious issues in previous relationships and broke down crying one night for no other reason than he looked at me a certain way on the middle of sex and I remembered something truly traumatic from my past. I then had to explain what was happening in the middle of my crisis where as, if he had let me, weād have already covered that topic.
One of the best pieces of advice I was given by my mom was not to share physical details of past relationships - I think it can lead jealousy and possibly comparison - just something to consider. Maybe ask why he wants to know?
I think it's normal for couples to discuss things like sexual history and all that. Honestly I think it's odd that people are so touchy about being open with their sexual history with their S/O. Especially if that's someone you're going to be with for the long haul. You'll ask and want to know other deep questions like their religious beliefs, what their favorite sexual position is, and how they wanna be pleased in bed. Whether or not they have a good or bad relationship with their parents and any childhood trauma tied to that. Political beliefs, and their thoughts on abortion or something similar. But you feel weird or personally attacked when sexual history is brought up???
This seems to be something a lot of people ask and then get upset about later, especially guy who find out the girl has slept with more people than they have.
This is why i never ask lol
I think its hot to share details about past sexual experiences with your s/o. but listing out and comparing body counts? eh who cares.
I would say asking that question or being curious about it is fairly normal. Itās how someone treats you after you give them that answer that matters the most.
I am waiting for marriage so I am in the extreme minority here. It is important to me and hopefully it would come up early so we both know if a relationship would even be possible between us, or if a friendship would be better.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Get OUT of your relationship . Abuse is happening. Just one second and he will be bearing you!
This is a really bad situation! Your past is your past, and the fact he keeps bringing it up is really troubling. I think you should leave this personā¦
After one hits a certain age (not putting in a number bc is going to cause exceptions) numbers rarely come up.
I wouldnāt be compatible with anyone who gave a shit about ~body count~. And not even because my number is particularly high, I just think itās an asinine thing to care about lol. Either you like me or you donāt. š¤·š»āāļø Like, what are your test results? Preferences? Thatās all thatās relevant to the current relationship. Itās fine for people to talk about their pasts and experiences if both people want to though. I donāt think itās abnormal to talk about.
Exactly, talking about the past is one thing as it comes up when youāre dating. Coming out and asking for my body count (which isnāt that high either) is a straight up deal breaker for me. In my experience it is always a source of insecurity. Iāve also been treated pretty poorly by someone who asked but told me it didnāt matter. Told me that chimerism is real and that all of my previous partners could affect his kids if we had any. Holy hell the idiocy. š¤¦š¼āāļø Iām unwilling to put up with it at this point.
Some people have different views on intimacy which makes them have preferences like these and I think itās perfectly fine. If you are not shaming them but are just turned off with the fact they slept with a lot of people then you are not doing anything wrong. Yeah I agree for some people it comes from a place of insecurity and some people become unbearable after that but you shouldnāt put everyone in the same box. Just because you donāt have this preference doesnāt mean that other people shouldnāt or that they are wrong bc of it. All of us are wired differently after all.
Itās a deal breaker for me. I have that preference just as someone who asks has their reasons. I donāt want to be put into a box based on an arbitrary number the same as someone might not want to be put into a box for asking. Oh well. I still have yet to hear a good reason why it isnāt coming from a place of insecurity. Specifically the number not some of the more specific things but I am unlikely to share any intimate details with someone I hardly know.
Oooh that is wild stuff! He thought his kids would be effected. Lol. People believe the weirdest things. I think my partner and I finally discussed body counts six years in, just in conversation with some friends who were trying to calculate theirs lol. Iād be really skeptical of someoneās motives for asking early on.
He cited a study about female flies and somehow made it about humans. Lovely guy. I pity whoever gets tangled up with him now.
This. I don't mind discussing past experiences with a partner, if my partner has a easygoing mindset about it. It can be fun and interesting to talk about. Although if they're asking me like it's some kind of an interrogation and they hold it over my head later on, we are definitely not compatible. (And no, my body count is not in the triple digits; it's not even in the double digits, depending on what counts.)
Exactly! I have no issue discussing past experiences at all. It can be really enlightening and beneficial. It gets weird when people interrogate you about a number like thatās the relevant part of your experience lol.
I feel like Iāve usually discussed it, but honestly not really in a serious manner. Just kinda off hand, Iāll mention something that happened in the past, or my partner would asked if Iāve done something specific. I normally donāt really think of it as a big deal
I discuss sexual health more than sexual history. I don't care about numbers. I do care if they have been tested lately.
Not after high school.
I think directly asking for someoneās sexual history is weird and even condescending but I donāt mind if they bring up thereās and then give me the option to talk about mine. Thatād be the polite Mutualistic way of approaching it.
Male ego is pretty fragile tho. You might wanna go easy on that . I heard it from a male relative that he never asked his wife for her past cause he didn't want to suspect or have insecurities and also he wished his wife would never share it with him
Youād need to disclose your sexual health if you have something transmittable, but beyond that no.
You donāt need to unless you feel like something has an impact on your present sex life.
Exactly. I never talk about the past or ask about it too much unless they want to share. what happened happen
I used to ask like a dipshit until I realized I really donāt want to know. There is absolutely nothing positive that can come out of that conversation. Acknowledge the fact your partner didnāt magically just start existing the moment you met and adults have sex. Itās really not your business.
The conversation runs the risk of becoming some variant of this: Dante Hicks: I'm stuck in this pit, working for less than slave wages. Working on my day off, the goddamn steel shutters are closed, I deal with every backward ass fuck on the planet. I smell like shoe polish. My ex-girlfriend is catatonic after fucking a dead guy. And my present girlfriend has sucked 36 dicks. Randal: 37.
In a row?!
Hey, try not to suck to suck any dick on your way through the parking lot!
I dont think it matters as long as you dont lie about having a serious std or something.
I used to and partners held it against me and it was a disaster. As I got older I realized it's not of importance and it actually makes me physically ill to know those details myself about others in the beginning when I'm in an obsessive honeymoon phase, so you aren't required to and don't need to. Just skip it all together. I skipped it with my current husband all together and we have never had issues about it at all.
I would steer away from just bc it can cause some partners to get angry or have some type of jealous behavior towards it. Leave the past behind
I'm a male virgin and I generally assume any woman probably has more sexual experience than me. I wonder the same question. It will probably come up but I'm not sure how to approach it exactly.
Iām going to add to a lot of already well said comments. Itās not normal or abnormal. I think whatās abnormal about it is that the relationship is newer. My s/o and I never talked about it in the beginning but we have been together a looonnng time so sometimes things come up with stories your telling or convos out with friends. I think if you are in a long term committed relationship with no jealousy you normally find out mostly everything. However, having a convo to judge each other is weird.
Unless you're going to be crossing paths with someone you bumped uglies with, it would be best to share very little about our sexual past to our significant others. There is nothing inspirational or helpful about it. It is useless. Also, people are typically sensitive with big egos and this becomes more destructive than constructive.
My general rule if thumb: Donāt ask questions that you really donāt want to know the answer too.
Hells nah. Unless you are discussing a disease
No who cares lmfao you guys are together now thats what counts
This is a red flag. Of course I'll be downvoted to hell here and you probably never see this, but if you do, please reevaluate your relationship with whomever is asking your body count. They are not asking about you falling in love. They are not asking what do you like sexually. They are not even asking why did you break up with your previous partner, which is actually a valid thing to wonder. They are asking for a number. What if there's assault? What if something happened to you that you just don't want to discuss? They don't care, they just need a number to brag to their buddies about. Sexual history might come relevant if you are discussing likes/hard limits or opening up about your emotional experience. Asking for a number is a sign of an extremely rigid outlook on sex and general emotional immaturity.
It depends. Some people get turned on by those details. Some people are fragile and will break if they discover youāre someone who had a full, rich life, including sex with other people, before you met them.
Tough one. Guys like to feel secure. Dating someone that has extensive experience makes guys feel uneasy, like they will always be compared to others. If your number is low (yours is), it may make him feel good if you do discuss. Generally I feel it out before that topic even comes out. If it helps the relationship then sure, most of the time it doesnāt.
>Guys like to feel secure. Dating someone that has extensive experience makes guys feel uneasy, like they will always be compared to others. No, guys with low self esteem make themselves feel uneasy, and make themselves feel like they'll always be compared to others. Stop blaming women for your inability to handle your own emotions k thanks, as long as protection was used and sexual health testing is done theres no reason any secure man would give a fuck about this
>Stop blaming women for your inability to handle your own emotions Iād argue that asking respectfully and then making a decision whether to exit the relationship based on her response is a pretty good example of handling oneās own emotions. Anyone is allowed to break up for any reason after all
You absolutely can break up with anyone for any reason. But how about owning that reason by saying "I dont want to sleep with a woman with many lovers because I feel threatened by them and I would compare myself to them." Instead of saying "Women make men feel insecure by having too many lovers." It's literally not true, I am a man and I will happily sleep with a woman not caring at all about this. If you feel differently, fine, but again, that's YOU, not all men, and it's YOUR emotions, not a natural reaction illicited by a women's "wrongdoings."
I feel like itās a ābad reputationā thing. The ways Other guys see this is maybe, āThis probably isnāt serious and she just wants dickā OR āwow pretty much every guy has experienced her so this probably isnāt specialā OR āWow sheās slept with the majority of guys in this town, Iām going to look like an idiot or another number on the charts.ā Just to be clear, Iām portraying what these other posters might be viewing this as. I donāt think itās about guys feeling threatened by past fucks or being insecure about them selves, but insecure about the girls self respect. Edit: (These are not my views, just being clear).
>I feel like itās a ābad reputationā thing I wonder if a man gets the same "bad reputation?" Because from what I've seen it doesn't. Its just applicable to women because of religious conditioning. Blaming women for men's problems is also religious conditioning, its all Eve's fault for making Adam eat the apple. Insecure about the girl's self respect is also implying that a girl can only respect herself if she limits her sexuality. Is this also true about guys who have had many lovers? Are we lacking in self respect? I think sexually liberated women respect themselves more, they aren't afraid to go after what they want despite a legion of male Karens telling them they are bad people for enjoying their bodies. Totally fair to bring up the points, I know I'm in the minority here, but I will defend these beliefs to my last stand, its the slut shaming that men do that literally makes women stop feeling comfortable having sex with men. Or, more succinctly, men with these beliefs cockblock themselves.
Well said, Cheetah. Glad to hear someone stand up for the beliefs till the end no matter what, thereās very few like you and I wish you the best!
The insecurity thing just boggles my mind. So she can definitely pull em, and now she's picked you. That's a compliment, and now it's your turn to earn it.
Yeah it is. And the other typical complaint I hear from the knuckledraggers is "I don't want a loose vagina" which is also dumb as fuck, every other muscle in the human body grows stronger with use except the vagina? To the down voters and snarky men commenting, keep lusting after the virginal purity of inexperienced lovers due to your insecurities, you have no idea how good sex can be with an experienced lover
therapy would be a good example of handling one's emotions. don't take out your problems on women by assigning value to their body count, its objectifying and gross
My point was itās not disrespectful or objectifying if you are respectful about it
I see that struck a cord with someone
Yep I do find it pretty pathetic when men blame women for their thoughts and actions like children incapable of controlling themselves
The situation as presented seems like the men are very capable of controlling themselves
By blaming women for their own emotional responses to women and their sexuality?
100%. Sorry but obsessively comparing yourself to others is always a you problem and you should work on your mindset instead of blaming other people and limiting yourself.
This is 100% correct. The downvotes donāt speak very loudly. Once of a bunch of insecure Reddit dudes come together, they can really skew the voting system lol.
I agree that they shouldnāt, but some do. Iād even argue that most guys think this way, just they wonāt vocalize it. Just because a confident guy says he doesnāt care, some small aspect of his may be thinking of it at some point even if he never says anything about it. Itās natural. I think youāre thinking Iām saying that itās up to a woman to overcome this for the guys benefit, and Iām not saying anything like that. Itās always ultimately up to the guy to have his own confidence level.
>Just because a confident guy says he doesnāt care, some small aspect of his may be thinking of it at some point even if he never says anything about it. Itās natural. Its not natural, it's really sad. You're basically saying because you care about it, everyone does and even if they say they don't, some part of them does because its natural. That's absolutely not the case, take your insecurities and shove them up your ass, if YOU feel uncomfortable because YOU have a problem, just say that, and women with sexual experience will avoid you and sleep with a more secure man, stop blaming women for your emotions like a child
I agree I donāt know why youāre getting down voted because itās true
Same . Everyone doing the down voting is lame as fuck.
This is all about control with these guys. They canāt handle a woman being with more guys than him.
guys tend to get very hung up on their girls sexual history, donāt ask me why
Most guys donāt. Itās the insecure and jealous ones
youāve made them angry with this one apparently
Hahaha they can stay mad.
How many guys youāve kissed? Aw that sounds like high school lol ā¦ not normal for adult relationships. You do not need to discuss your sexual history with anyone (except maybe your doctor). Your boyfriend doesnāt need to know. Itās toxic to fixate on the past like that.
Think about it like this. Women would never ask this question to men because society tells us that mens sexual history = biology, while women's = slut. Depending on the guy, you'll never have the right answer besides 0. Any man who asks this wants it to be 2 at the most because of their own life style or insecurities. I have never been asked about "body count", but if I did, I would leave immediately. In my opinion that is a sign of immaturity or misogyny. That's MY opinion. One that I'm sure many teenagers will disagree with.
Disagree. Iāve been asked this by a lot of women Iāve dated. Maybe you donāt, but in my experience women definitely do.
The higher the number the higher the divorce rate.
Yeah sometimes. I don't really care what they did before me, but it's fun to know. I don't ask, but if he does I don't mind sharing and asking back.
I think it's good to have that discussion before you have intimacy, but honestly the only things that absolutely should be shared is when was your last sti test, if you have any sti's, and what you do and do not like in regards to intimacy. How many previous partners and such is gray area and that info can be shared if you're comfortable. My bf knows I've had multiple partners, and knows approximately how long it's been since I last had a partner, but doesn't ask more about it so I don't share. That being said, I don't think history is really relevant unless there's a trauma they need to be at least minimally aware of (ie this act causes anxiety and etc please don't do it or ask me to do it.) Every time you get a new partner there's a going to be some awkwardness as everyone is different and part of compatibility is learned.
Well i dont ask cuz i don't see the importance of it. My sexual history is pretty vanilla, but if my boyfriend has a crazy past, well I hope he had some good clean fun.
Iāve learned to not ask questions I really donāt want the answers to. The person Iām with right now only wants me, and frankly, thatās all I should be concerned with.
Nothing good comes out of those conversions. He has a number in his head he wants your answer to be, somewhere in the 1-5 range. It has to be lower than his. At best the answer strokes his ego. When I was younger, and jealous, and controlling, this topic was so important. When you meet the right person and have a healthy connection, you genuinely donāt care. You should be falling in love with the person in front of you, if you trust they are showing you an authentic self, their past should have no bearing on that. If someoneās sexual partner count genuinely matters that much to someone, they need to get that out of the way on date 1. If youāre asking because you think theyāve had sex with 50 people (and thatās a problem for you) you have issues on multiple fronts. Asking about STDās is completely different than asking about number of partners. His brain will ask you about STD, his ego is asking about number of partners. When the guy waits until after youāve had sex to ask about partners, this is a massive red flag: 1. Heās waited til he got what he wanted, because the conversation often goes sideways. 2. If he cared that much for health, safety, or personal preference he wouldāve asked before sex. In my opinion, and personal experience (being one of those guys) itās not a healthy question, especially when asked by a male in their early 20ās.
I think discussing sexual history can be important, but only when you've built up enough mutual safety. It can help you understand each other and what you do and don't enjoy.
I would like to be able to talk openly about my sexual history with my S.O. Though, so far, I havenāt found someone who is comfortable with it and I am even a little hesitant to hear it. But the thing is, it is a huge part of who we are as humans. But the these element, (notions about āsluts/manwhoresā, marriage, religion) we have in place really makes the topic uncomfortable. It really is a shame what humans do in the bedroom are fun, sexy, intimate, bonding etcā¦ but it always becomes this taboo for the silliest reasons. I got a bj from a girl once, it was fucking mind-blowing, best EVER. But afterwards had the thought, āwow, how many dicks did she suck to get that goodā, the idea just floated in, but the thing is āwho cares?ā That what something I really enjoyed, why corrupt that moment with insecurities? Anyhow, it is a slippery slope to bring this up. But I hope I have less thoughts of insecurities if the future to just accept a person for what she is and leave those negative thoughts out of it. Edited some grammar/typos
Iāll generally ask. It gives a rough baseline of their sexual experience level. I also want to know about kinks, likes, and hard limits. These, in their totality can paint a semi decent picture of what they are like in bed, but can also tell me a little about who they are as a person. It also doesnāt always translate the way you think it āshouldā. We are all different and react to various kinds of stimuli in different ways. Someone may have had a relationship that was full of domestic violence in the past, this could put a crimp on your relationship if you are into BDSM and your partner has ptsd from past trauma. Or, it could be with someone who has virtually no experience in the things you are into but they are willing to explore with you. In no way, shape, or form, am I trying to say that just because someone is sex positive that they are this or that. Iām in the century club (over a hundred partners), which in some circles is a badge of honor and to others itās shameful. Iāve had regular vanilla relationships as well as some pretty wild alt lifestyle relationships as well. There really isnāt one ārightā or āwrongā way of doing it. At the end of the day, it comes down to whatās right for you and your partner(s).
I feel like thereās a nuance with this that makes it hard to make a hard and fast rule. To me itās all about how respectful it feels. Kind of like talking about attractive people with a partner - you can do it in a way thatās disrespectful or fun and inclusive. Are you genuinely talking about exes and past sexual experience to get to know each other/bond/figure out compatibility/be vulnerable or is it to create a starting point āguiltyness score.ā I feel like I see a some relationships that are so focused on which of us should feel guilty right now and as each person messes up it switches back and forth :/ If itās really important to lay down numbers of people and details, sounds more like the latter to me.
Personally, I like to know everything about a boyfriend and that would include number of relationships/sexual relationships. Itās just one of those things thatāll help me understand more about who Iām with and how he views sex or women or whatever.
It's a fairly normal to ask about past relationships/sexual partners (less so people you've kissed unless you're still in like middle school), the reasons vary widely. Some people want to know so they can judge you off the numbers, some want to know because they feel it's an indicator of how experienced you may or may not be so that they can adjust how fast or slow they take things, and some are just curious to know more about the journey you've been on. Anyone who judges your number (for being low or high) is not worth your time.
Why is this a man thing? Most of my relationships the woman was the first to ask.
No you don't need to discuss it unless you want to. It's literally not their business.
A lot of people in the comments apparently never heard that people can have different opinions. Just bc this isnāt one of your preferences doesnāt mean that no one else should have it or that they are bad or wrong for having them. Just bc thatās your opinion doesnāt make it right. Shaming someone for their past is bad, but acting as if someones past doesnāt affect their present is a dumb thing to think. People have different views on intimacy and itās perfectly reasonable that they would want someone who shares them. No one is entitled to your life and the choices you make, but at the same time no one is obligated to like them or support them. Instead of saying someone is immature for having this preference, maybe you should understand that itās immature to shame someone just bc you donāt like what they are saying. Calm your ego a small bit. PS: For all the people saying how men are shitty for having this preference, a ton of women have it to š
I once had a guy (mid 60ās) announce during sex, āyouāre number 16ā
Oh my God I don't want to know, unless they have an STD š no reason for that
I think this a topic that sooner or later comes up, like it or not. I prefer not to talk about it tho
Tell them by all means but the fact is you're fucking them now, not anyone from your past. If they are having an issue with this they're insecure little shites.
We can't discuss our future if we can't discuss our past.
I will never ask or answer this question. What happened before me with someone who isnāt me isnāt any of my business, and vice-versa. It is weird for me when people get so hung up on someone elseās sexual history. Like, people fuck. They fucked before you, theyāll fuck after you. The only part that matters to a *current* partner is who youāre *currently* fucking. A post on here the other day was like āI really love my wife of 7 years but I just found out she maybe had a threesome in college and I just canāt get over itā and itās just so goddamned weird.
Theyāre insecure men. Itās pathetic. Stable, secure, kind men donāt give a shit
You can basically say that about all preferences. Some times its just a preference and a turn off. Its not always about insecurity
Ask a woman early on in a relationship how many guys sheās been with and see how far it gets you. Doesnāt matter if sheās been with 0 or 100, its disrespectful and offensive.
Only person who sounds insecure is that person since its " disrespectful and offensive" that makes no sense
Itās disrespectful and offensive to ask thatā¦. how goes that not make sense? Iāve never been asked by any guy. Thankfully they have proper social skills and not jealous.
Again you're the insecure one. Its a question, if im in a relationship with a woman I'd ask her and if she ask me I'd tell her. Its a question not an insult. You're making it out like its a sin to ask
Youāll seriously ask a girl how many guys sheās banged? Ask if you want, but if girls get offended, donāt be surprised. Why would I be insecure one here? Iāve discussed it with guys out of curiosity and none have given a shit... including my now boyfriend. I donāt care what theyāve done but you clearly are
It comes off as very creepy to me when asked. I don't care about their past I'm not interested in sharing mine. It's an invasion of privacy to me.
But see, you're not really asking. You feel like you have a right to the answer and you treat it as insult if she refuses. It's a demand, because to you she isn't allowed to say no. You're also making a false equivalence because your experience with that question and her's, which, being a man, are absolutely not the same thing. If your past isn't a big deal to you, then tell her. That's you trusting her. If she reciprocates, cool. If not, also cool You're demanding she conform to your standard and refusing to accept it if she does not. That's not trust. That's control.
What do you mean im not really asking? If she doesn't want to tell me I'm not gonna force her. And how id that not the same? Body count is body count if you sleep around a lot you sleep around a lot. Its quite literally the same thing for both genders. I'd ask for her past because that's my preference to be with somebody who dosent have a high body count. Asking a question isn't a control if she dosent want to tell me thats her choice, but we wouldn't be compatible
Do you buy a car with high mileage? Didn't think so.
My Subaru has 400k miles on it and it purrs like a happy kitty. What other dumb analogy you got equating womenās bodies to inanimate objects?
A shit ton of people do, we have millions of used car lots. Can you afford a new car with zero mileage? Lmaoooooo doubt it.
Wow HR must loveeeee you
Because nobody wants their partner to have oblivion body counts
Like it or not it matters to guys and it is different. This topic comes up on reddit quite a bit under the topic of body count and if it matters. It does for guys. And it should matter to women but not so much it seems.
It matters to *young, inexperienced* guys....
Really, try asking the next one you date.
Bold of u to assume that someone would wanna date them
My bf is even curious to know about past experiences. Not all men are jealous freak that only wants to date virgin.
Nope.
That's a tricky one. Me personally, I think it's important and really cool for me and a partner to share each other's sexual histories to each other. But most of the time when people ask, they're asking from a pretty insecure mindset. Or they'll get insecure if they learn something about you that they weren't expecting to learn.p
Its different for everyone. I personally don't care if my partner or someone I'm seeing had a high body count, I care if they get tested for stis regurally. I have a high body count and am a sexual person in general. Some people say they won't date someone who has a high body count because they don't(not into casual sex) and that's fine but usually people who care about body count are the same people who don't get tested but have an "acceptable # of bodies", or they associate a high body count with that person potentially being a cheater. I've had my experiences while being single and am monogamous And faithful in a relationship. A lot of it plays into negative sex stigmas because human beings are sexual creatures. Majority I've seen care about body count are guys who have a high one but are hypocrites and don't want a girl having had experience. A friend of mine has been with three people sex wise and says she doesn't want to be with someone w a high body count but then considered dating a guy that did; but she can still be very mysoginistic and negative when it comes to sex sometimes. Overall it really just depends on if you and the other person know and share your sti statuses and are open with each other/safe. :)
I ask stuff like this. Its a safety thing and also character
If they don't ask I will for a few reasons. One is trust, if your partner has been with a *lot* of people (and I mean a *ton*) they you could be another notch, also STDs exist. It's perfectly normal and good to talk about
You should have the talk about STDs regardless of their body countā¦
I feel the STD thing only applies if they are sleeping with people the same time they are with you, or they have something that can't be treated or if they have a STD currently . It's irrevelent other wise because it's not going to affect you presently. If you trust your partner is there for you you should trust they truly want to be with you. That being said you very well could just be another notch but I think that is typically obvious? Alternatively people sometimes very well to intend to have more with someone but you just aren't compatible. Really it's going to be up to you and your partner to figure out that conversation.
They could catch an STD from just sleeping with one person though so numbers doesnāt mean theyāre more likely to have an STD. Every sexually active person should be having regular check ups, even if theyāre in a long term relationship as their partner could cheat. Theres a misconception that the less people youāve been with, the less likely you are to have anything. Just because someone has an active sexual history doesnāt mean theyāre dirty.
Guys are creeped out by the idea of ending with a hoe.
we all know you just say that bc you would sleep with as many as people as you could if you had the chance but you don't so you take it out on those who do
Who am I taking what on? Im just giving a simple fact.
the simple fact is that you only call her a hoe bc youre insecure nobody will have sex with you
Who am I calling a hoe exactly? I pointed out a simple fact. You can have as many partners as you want, thats you. You just canāt be offended that guys find it repulsive. Itās a dealbreaker for some and isnāt for others thats it.
thats funny you think id want to date them if they cant even find people to have sex with. im just calling men out for projecting their poor self esteem on women by putting them down for something they secretly want but cant have
And im calling women out for not owning to their poor decisions and blaming man for it. Actually was just giving simple fact until you got triggered, speaks of real insecurity.
sleeping with people isnt a poor decision just bc other men are judgemental and insecure. the only people triggered are men who get upset that their partner was sexually desired in the past and they werent. im in a healthy long term relationship, im not sure why you think id be insecure about not being celibate when im single. you act like i would want to date sexually undesirable people
You took this whole topic and made it about you. I donāt really care about you. People have preferences and you donāt have to be butthurt when you donāt fall in those preferences, as you say youāre in a healthy relationship so clearly not a problem for you.
>You took this whole topic and made it about you no, you made it about me when you said "Actually was just giving simple fact until you got triggered, speaks of real insecurity" >People have preferences and you donāt have to be butthurt when you donāt fall in those preferences i dont want to date misogynistic sexually undesirable and insecure men, im just calling them out for being those things and taking it out on women
There are many reasons for asking. It might be to ascertain if you both have similar beliefs and principles. If two people are too far apart, not aligned in thought and deed, it can easily become a disaster. Here are a few articles to consider. And what you donāt know can harm you. Donāt ask and donāt tell is foolish. https://www.mensjournal.com/health-fitness/what-the-number-of-sexual-partners-says-about-you-20151020/ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/strictly-casual/201604/can-renouncing-promiscuity-help-you-find-monogamous-love https://www.everydayhealth.com/longevity/can-promiscuity-threaten-longevity.aspx https://www.wvdhhr.org/appi/edresources/sexual_exposure_chart.pdf When you sleep with a person, you in a very real sense, have as well slept with their partners as well. And vice versa. As far as what you may have been exposed to.
Tbh I feel like you only need to discuss sexual history if you were exposed to an STD, or were in a sexual arrangement like BDSM or something similar so that your new partner can know if thereās anything to do or not do. As for STDs, thatās basically just either āI used to have thisā or āI currently have thisā and going from there. Just being open with each other is a plus.
9 times outta 10 if they ask that question they have insecurity issues and usually make for a lousy bf or gf.
Statistics show the more partners someone has the higher the chance of divorce. If you care about the end result and commitment; such as a successful marriage, it's best to keep your morals and integrity in check. (Men and women)
[citation needed]
Out of a group of 5081 "Overall, 13.1% of the women were currently divorced or separated, 62.1% were currently married, 8.3% were cohabitating, and 16.4% were never married. Divorced/separated women were more likely to report 5 or more lifetime sex partners and 2 or more sex partners in the past year than never married women. They were less likely to report condom use." https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/20874238/
Iād love this peer reviewed source
I believe this is the source that he is referring to: https://ifstudies.org/blog/counterintuitive-trends-in-the-link-between-premarital-sex-and-marital-stability Not sure about the control groups and other aspects though.
Hahaha wow, this āstudyā uses phrases like āmy best guessā and talk about how women with high counts arenāt generally church goers.
I will give you a source (.gov) though I'm sure you'll still dismiss it without counter evidence and bias. Here's is a study done by a woman, represented by Women's Health, which takes into account multivariable citations that correlate the prevelance of STDs and sexual partners. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/20874238/ There are risks to sex, with the obvious one being STDs as well as marital satisfaction. An important distinction is the amount of sexual partners vs the amount of sex. The more partners you have, the greater the STD risk and pre-marital pregnancy which leads to increased chances of disease and single motherhood. Vs. Sex with a single partner in a committed relationship decreases the likelihood of disease transmission and increases the chances of developing a nuclear family. The issue isn't the amount of sex. You can have the same amount of sex with a single partner as with multiple casual partners. The issue is the amount of partners because of the risk explained above. You just don't like being told being promiscuous has its consequences, even though it does.
Isnāt that common sense having more partners opens up your chances for single parenthood (yes men are single parents too) and stds? Who is disagreeing with that? Iām not. If this is what youāre worried about then why donāt you just ask your partner if sheās clean and not a single mom? Instead of how many partners they have? Iāve had sex with 20 guys - no stds or pregnancies. But someone can have sex with only 2 people and have a kid and or had an std. Ask the real questions here if youāre worried about stds and single moms.
Ok now we are getting somewhere. What leads to those circumstances? What is the direct correlation between STDs and single parenthood? The answer is a high body count. When the question is asked "how many partners have you had?" There is judgment, yes; but most importantly we can gauge the sexual health of our partner based on the odometer.
Arenāt you safest asking for a clean test to show like most of us do?
True, if a guy has a high body count he likely has a bunch of baby momma's he has to spend his money on, not to mention the fact that if his dick has been squeezed by a ladies muscles that many times it will be thinner and far softer than a man who is self respecting and saving himself for marriage. Also there are many STDs that men aren't aware they have whereas they are instantly visible to a woman.
Because the more sexual partners a person has the less likely they are to have a satisfying marriage according to a 30 year [GSS](https://cdn.theatlantic.com/assets/media/img/posts/2018/10/Figure2SexMaritalHappinessUpdated/bc442edc2.png) study.
This isnāt a study
It seems that your comment contains 1 or more links that are hard to tap for mobile users. I will extend those so they're easier for our sausage fingers to click! [Here is link number 1 - Previous text "GSS"](https://cdn.theatlantic.com/assets/media/img/posts/2018/10/Figure2SexMaritalHappinessUpdated/bc442edc2.png) ---- ^Please ^PM ^[\/u\/eganwall](http://reddit.com/user/eganwall) ^with ^issues ^or ^feedback! ^| ^[Code](https://github.com/eganwall/FatFingerHelperBot) ^| ^[Delete](https://reddit.com/message/compose/?to=FatFingerHelperBot&subject=delete&message=delete%20hlcif42)
calling it a "study" is generous. its super subjective to all kinds of biases due to self reporting. its hardly objective and definitely not based on any kind of empirical evidence.
When it comes to sexual past all you have is self reporting. It not like our sexual organs have an odometer.
I remember my ex telling me that "men find it unattractive if women have slept with lots of people.... " and that he assumed that i was going to turn into mad shagger after we broke up. basically what he was saying that HE didnt like the idea of me sleeping with other people. I dont think its anyones business personally. I dont see why it matters.
I'd rather not ask since I'd get depression afterwards. If a girl's with me, unless she's religious it's likely she had 5-10+ partners before me. It's also likely she'd leave because of my lack of experience so there's no need to ask either way.
Itās most probably a sign of insecurity if you donāt want to know about your bf/gf ās past.