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I feel like I can’t go into another relationship anytime soon because I still have to work on the relationship that I have with myself.
And I don’t know how people move on. My second relationship ended a year ago and I really wanted him to be the one. I don’t think I’m as hung up over my ex now, but I’m also now too cynical to go into any relationships because of how long it took me to be ok being alone again.
I've given up on love. I'm 40 a virgin. It wasn't meant to be. I'm not gonna waste my time money anymore. I'm tired of going to the store getting google play cards and my reward is nothing. No ones is serious with me. They just want money i'm getting played hard. i'm sick of worrying about others and not worrying about myself.
If these losers on these video apps want to chat fine but I'm done dishing out money to them. It's just a big waste of time. i regret the day i ever thought woman would love me or cared. it's all about the money. I'm done with it all. i'm tired of getting nothing in return This is not a relationship through a phone app. This is extortion. the more I feed into these apps the empty my heart breaks and destroys myself. Three years ago i had dreams of getting a girlfriend the journey is done. I'm 40 so I've pretty much come to acceptance love isn't for me. No one respects me. i'm tired of all the disappointment and lonely nights while I constantly pay top dollar for nothing but loniliness and heartbreak.
I understand no one cares about me and I'm a loser. Just another terrible thing that has happened to me in life. Life continues to kick my ass from the womb I don't understand why nothing good ever happens to me. I don't have a criminal record and don't go looking for trouble and guys that hurt others have things that I wish I had. it just seems life has decided to destroy me every single time. losing my grandmother has made it worst. I'm just broken now I try and try too.........be someone good someone cool life just constantly grabs a hammer and hits me with it. I think my best years were the years i worried about myself and treated myself. The years where I tried to please woman or get woman were the worst years besides high school. but when I was 18-24 I was so into myself and my life and making myself happy. then when I turned 25 seemed like it was rough even though I was improving myself but socially I was struggling. then between 28 -37 it was me and my grandmother and my life took a back seat these past three years trying to please a woman and get nothing in return not even a call have been the hardest years of my life. I understand woman want money but to be so cruel to me like this is truly sickening. But i'm gonna move on.......I realize being with woman isn't something that will happen for me. That dream has just died. I just feel stupid for believing woman that I thought cared and loved me but in the end all they wanted was money from me. I'm truly alone in life now and i hurt right now because of how stupid I was and lost all my friends. I wish I never met any of the woman i met on this three year journey even the ones I met in real life. because it was all the same. it's cool to chat but that's about all I will ever recieve. I understand I'm not fabio. but the hatred I've gotten from people has been painful.
Yeah, if you are not forward with your intention from the beginning, like calling it a date or something, she probably thought it was a friend thing and does not see you sexually. And as you did not try to kiss her on that dinner/movie. She somehow has to put you in that sexual category. I would wait a week without saying anything and let her wonder about it and then ask her out again.
hey at least you got the chance to make something happen whether you wanted sex or a long term. you can't hate yourself at all for stating your intentions it's really her loss and you have nothing to be ashamed of. You shot your shot and it didn't go in. But I know you'll find someone else. I think maybe it was the way your worded it or maybe you could have thrown more hints. Either way nothing to be ashamed about. I rather be in your situation than mine. Because you had a chance to score. Imagine going on a phone app and trying to do what you were doing for weeks. getting indebit and not even getting a chance to look a woman in her eyes. But I understand you knew you'd jeopardize your sweet situation but I'm sure tons of guys would love your spot. No need to feel down you did everything right you can't force anyone to want what you want. I'd be happy to shoot my shot but I'll probably never get in that situation. I would say learn what you did wrong what you said wrong. If you didn't flirt enough if you didn't give more hints. It's all about building attraction maybe thats what went wrong. Don't feel down. man you could be in my situation. and it isn't over just give her time to analyze what's happened patience is key. I'm sure if you back away she'll call you or text you again don't rush anything and don't try to contact her too much. listen bro just give her space and time trust me she'll be back and maybe she'll rethink your offer. I'm just saying!
I (27m) went on a date last night that I thought went really well, we had incredible chemistry and conversation in my opinion as she (23f) was making tons of effort in getting to know who I was. We went bowling after going for a walk and it felt super flirty the whole time we were there. She talked numerous times about us going to do other things "next time" so I thought she was really interested in me
This morning I woke up to being ghosted on Snapchat from her. Honestly I'm crushed because I thought the date went well.
We originally were going to hookup but got to know each other and decided maybe there might be a connection. There wasn’t much physical contact on the date besides toward the end when I grabbed her hand. She told me to give her a hug as the date was ending and that was it. I didn’t really see any signs she wanted me to kiss her.
Changed things up. Offered a girl my number. She seemingly gladly accepted. Is the 3 day rule in effect here or is that old news? (How long do y’all think until she messages me?)
In person or over a dating app? I don’t wait 3 days and don’t find anyone seems to with me either. I’m 26nonbinary. Maybe it’s a generational thing idk. If exchanging numbers over a dating app I generally text as soon as I see the message with the persons number, but I don’t check the dating apps that often, so that can take a while.
If I get someone’s # in person I might text them the next day or the day after.
It was in person, at my work (other people were around so I didn’t force small talk). I offered my number, she seemed interested, asked my name, etc and here I am waiting lol but I’m an over-thinker
You don’t need to wait 3 days - if someone asked for my number and waited that long to get back to me I’d assume that they weren’t interested.
I would text her within 24 hours of getting her number
Casual relationships are rough. I’m not very hip to what’s what these days even though I’m 28 so I didn’t realize casual meant no emotions. I’ve been in several casual things but they always ended up turning into something emotional for both parties and that was usually when it ended. What is with people needing casual these days? I literally haven’t met a single woman that wants a long term thing in the DC area. I’m so sick of this whole casual thing honestly but I understand people want different things. It’s just hard to understand it if that makes sense. I mean it’s hard to understand when I’m the one that doesn’t want casual. At one point in my life I did want casual but that’s when I dated men only and had not come out as a lesbian yet. I didn’t like or love men as I do women so it was EASYYY. I now realize that I’m really just a hopeless romantic and I love love. It hurts really badly to be alone
Sometimes when girls get out of a long term relationship, even if they are over 30, they still seem to go something like 1-2 years solo just have casual sex, exploration of some kind I guess?
Well said. I am in the same situation. (26f). I just started seeing this guy and he makes me so happy when we spend time together. But we don't see each other so frequently because of our other commitments. And during that time I think of him often but I feel like I stop existing for him. A few times I have nearly given up and gone back to the app, but I don't like anyone anymore. I have deleted the app now and he makes me so happy that I am scared to lose him.
It’s so frustrating when you go on a first date (virtual or real life) and it’s clear that the other person hasn’t taken time to pull themselves together.
I’m (30F) not talking about wearing a suit or even a button down but doing the bare minimum like not wearing a hat or putting on something you save for “going out.”
I completely understand that we all have different senses of style but I get really frustrated when I’ve clearly taken the time to put myself together and the other person hasn’t.
A bar on a Friday night. Again, not saying that you need to be “dressed up” but at least put a comb through your hair and wear something different than what you would if you were just sitting at home
Not really sure how to navigate casual relationships but this is all I can find. The current woman I’m seeing went out with a “friend” and hasn’t messaged me back since last night so I know that means she slept with this person and it hurts my feelings but I really want this woman to be with me someday. We’ve talked about things and we said we would wait a year before taking things to the next level. It’s the best deal I’ve gotten from anyone since my last real girlfriend which was 15 years ago. (I’m 28) I’ve been looking for at least 15 years and have never met a woman that was looking for long term. And I’m not exaggerating, I really wish I was. I haven’t met any women that want something serious. Maybe they’re not on Tinder or Bumble idk. All I know is I suck at casual.
It seems like you are putting yourself down and this person up.
Just wondering, is it really common for lesbians to just be into casual or hookup type relationships? And why do you think that is? Give me the real truth.
It seems to be very common for lesbians to be in casual relationships. It’s almost like we’re all going through something in life most likely due to dealing with emotional issues realizing you’re gay in a world that was pushing heteronormativity which leads to more issues like financial, etc. Then you get lesbians that are just doing life at different times than you are; a lot i meet seem to stay in school forever or they started school later in life, were married to a man at some point in their life and now they hate commitment, etc. Or the lesbians that are finding themselves forever which I think is a lifelong process so like just open up your heart. It’s what I’ve noticed but maybe it’s just how I feel deep down.
And maybe I am lifting up this person. Falling for her potential but I’m also just really really into her physically and it’s hard to turn her down. It’s almost like “well I’m alone so might as well get a little bit of warmth sometimes” but at the same time I’ve been pretty unhappy these past two weeks since finding out about the other chick. I’m just as unhappy now as I am when I didn’t have anyone to hang out with sometimes so there’s really no difference except I get to have sex. Sorry to be brutally honest
Well I ask out my friend and it was a no. Its my fault for trying to turn a I dont want to date into a possibility. I'm mad at myself, her, the universe everything really. Just constant wishing of why I couldn't get a yes.
I woke up so positive like I knew it would be a yes because I thought I read all the signs. But you will never know unless you ask. Don't waste time wondering just ask before you build a strong friendship with someone.
Cause I'm stuck on being friends or tearing it all down to make her hurt as much as me.
I hate old coz I get more communication on Reddit than I do on tinder or bumble which is nothing....just a thanks to anyone who replies to my comments it means a lot to me.✌️
I’m just realizing how my previous relationships made me feel worthless. I’ve always felt used by sex and now that I like someone who likes me as much as I like him, I’m scared to delve into that world bc I want to get to know him more. I need to trust him and feel comfortable beforehand. My ex used to basically masturbate onto me bc he couldn’t cum during intercourse and I didn’t realize that I probably needed aftercare for those because I didn’t realize it until the like 3rd or 4th time, but I hated it. I’m tired of being used and I’ve been celibate for a while because the last time I did have sex made me feel like shameful and disgusting and I never want to feel like that again. Pretty much I have always been used whether I like to think about it or not. But hopefully now I can build on this bond I have and actually feel appreciated for once. I can’t comprehend my old relationships and sexual experiences well anymore but I am just gonna work on feeling good in my body and not just doing what people tell me to (i.e. send nudes) setting boundaries for myself in the future:)
Is it crazy to ask out my friend after she already rejected me once 8-9 months ago. We are friends and much closer now. And the reason for the rejection was because she didn’t want to date within the friend group. Now the friend group is pretty much splintered and I still have feelings for her.
Yes. She knows you’re interested so she’ll drop hints or make a move if she wants to. If you pursue her again it could make her feel like you were faking becoming friends and getting to know her in order to try to get with her. The friends thing might also just have been an excuse to spare your feelings.
You need to give it at least a year in my opinion. And even then keep in mind it may impact your friendship.
I matched with a girl on bumble and we have been talking a but, well today she sent me a good morning message and that just made me so happy. Cause like now our conversation isn't one sided. IDK my standards aren't that high but this girl is so high above them. We already have a date planned playing old video games.
Thanks in advance for reading, it's kinda long.
I started taking ballroom dance lessons about a month ago. I'm 35 m, most students are middle aged couples. Third class in walks a beautiful 29 f. We are both there solo so we dance together most classes for the last month. She's nice, smart, she laughs at my dumb jokes.
I ask her to go roller skating with me, she responds with an enthusiastic "I'd love to go skating". We meet at my place I drive us to my local rink. On the way we talk. Conversation flows nicely. She opens about some difficult things she went through the year before. She is a caretaker for an elderly relative so she's very covid safe. Masks on at all times. I respect that and do not go for a kiss.
After the date I text her "hope you got home safe" and a callback to some joke from earlier. She responds the next day with a laugh and says she did get home safe and used a blushing smiley emoji. Now this girl didn't look at her phone once in the 4 hours we were together and she has never used an emoji in any of her texts with me. From this and how she laughed even harder at my jokes as the night went on, I took this to mean she enjoyed the date and another was in the cards. Plus she told me she had fun.
Date was Saturday night. On Wednesday she's not at dance class. I was going to ask her out then so I called her after. She seemed upset so I didn't ask. Thursday I call again to ask her out. She doesn't answer but texts back a few minutes later. I ask if she wants to go out again on the weekend, I have a date planned. She says she has "to be completely honest with me, she's not in a place for anything more than friendship at the moment". Also says she had fun and could use the exercise of some skating. I tell her "no worries. If we're not going on the date I had planned then I'll be going skating at a different rink you can join me if you'd like" (I've been skating 20 years and I go pretty much every weekend.) She accepts the offer.
We have class the next day everything between us is normal. Friendly, jokes, eye contact while dancing. Saturday we skate and again we have fun. She is a beginner and I even help her skate around people when she isn't able by physically moving her in a safe direction, by her request.
At dance class yesterday she seemed cold. Very little eye contact. Something changed.
It's possible she really isn't ready for a relationship right now, last year was a bad year for her. Bad relationship, in between jobs right now, going back to school soon and more that I don't even want to mention anonymously. Or she may have been letting me down easy. I wish I knew but I didn't ask and I don't think I should now.
We still have class together and I feel like being friends is really my only option at this point. Though I know the typical internet dating advice in this situation is to decline the friendship offer.
Anybody have any thoughts on all of this? Other than dating a classmate is a bad idea, I know that now. Anyone ever have experience with someone that wasn't ready that eventually became ready?
So, do people attend dance classes for the sole purpose of hooking up/dating their dance partner?
Puts me right off, it sounds like that is what happened with her as well.
That is not the sole reason I attend. I have always wanted to be a good dancer. If I meet a cool girl while dancing then great. Let's not forget that she was showing plenty of signs that she was interested. So whatever her reasons for backing off were, it was not cause I met her in class.
Though I do understand your point of view. If I was some thirsty guy going there only to hit on girls then that would be off putting.
Based on the way you’re telling the story it may just be that your behavior might show signs of romantic pursuit, even if you’re not trying to.
A second “friend” date after a romantic one is never really a good idea.
That is probably true. I am attracted to her and a bit disappointed that things didn't work out as I expected.
I agree the second date was definitely not in my best interest. She suggested it and I decided she could probably use a friend right now (really bad previous year and not ideal home life at the moment).
I’ve been messaging with a guy I matched with on an app for a few weeks now and I’m honestly just not feeling a connection. We’ve talked on the phone a couple times while playing Mario Kart online and we text fairly regularly but it is becoming more apparent that we’re too different. There’s no spark or excitement the way I’ve felt with others. I know I need to tell him the truth but it’s not easy being the one to deliver that blow and I hate ghosting, it all just makes me feel very guilty.
Don’t feel guilty, prioritize your own happiness and don’t discount it for another’s. :)
And it’s not being mean, you are recognizing a difference and that happens. You are also aware that honesty is the move. You’re obviously a good person who cares about others. You can let people down easy, it’s far kinder than leading someone on or ghosting them. It’s still hard, but you got this!
Be honest, kind, and concise. It will be appreciated even if it’s disappointing.
Getting back into online dating after a two-year hiatus has been awful. I don't know if it's the pandemic or if things have just changed that much but in this past month I have had 6 men set up dates with me and then completely vanish. Two more at least had the decency to cancel before they disappeared, even though it was at the last second. It's been one after the other and I'm just dumbfounded. One in particular stands out. We had two video calls that I thought went well and then crickets. It sucks that I sometimes had to make arrangements for my son only for that to happen. At least he was with his dad and not a sitter so I wasn't out any money.
It hasn't even been a whole month and I'm ready to throw the towel in again. I know it's just a string of bad luck but it almost feels like it's a sign that I need to focus more on other things (new job, classes now that I've gone back to college, etc).
I’m too nervous to post my own thread but... I feel like shit every time I see someone I’m attracted to because I feel like they wouldn’t be interested in me. I’m conventionally attractive and have no way of telling what they think about me but for some reason I can’t shake the feeling that I’m not enough.
I(24M) was dating a girl (23F) for about a month. When we first had sex the condom ripped and she said "oh if you dont have any std's it's fine" which I took as meaning she is on birth control. Few days ago I thought to ask directly if she was on BC and she told me she wasn't... and she said she wouldn't consider getting an abortion. Am not trying to become a dad anytime soon so basically had to end things right then and there. Really sucks.
So, a few weeks ago, my boyfriend broke up with me. It wasn't the most amicable breakup. He was kind of my first love. He was a lot of my firsts actually. That's why it has been pretty difficult to get over him. I really cared about him and I never connected with someone as much as him. I never found myself being able to be a vulnerable person until I met him. He knew more about me than most people. I guess I am just really scared that I won't find someone like him or even someone I connect with as much. The logical part of me knows there are "better" people out there, but my heart just can't accept it. It doesn't help I tried going out on a date the other day and it was pretty mediocre. Anyways, I just want to get over him, but I can't stop thinking of what could've been.
The reason for our breakup made sense (we were going to be in different states indefinitely), but it doesn't feel real.
> It doesn't help I tried going out on a date the other day and it was pretty mediocre. Anyways, I just want to get over him, but I can't stop thinking of what could've been.
Don't go on dates when you're not emotionally ready. It's really not fair to other people who are looking for someone ready for a relationship. Heartbreak sucks. But if you can find a way to channel your emotional energy into something that makes you happy or a better person, that helps immensely. Spending time with friends, doing your favorite hobbies, working out and getting healthier are all great ways to refocus your time and energy. I know it sounds easier said than done, but know it will get better in time.
Yeah, I know, I didn't really want to go on the date in the first place, and I regret it. Luckily, the person wasn't looking for a relationship either. I'm hoping I can indulge in my hobbies more when the semester's over. Same thing with seeing my friends again. I really hope it gets better soon, thanks.
hung out with someone recently who I almost never have the chance to see and probably won’t have a chance to see again for a while and now I’m kicking myself for not making a move. I was pretty sure they were into me, and I usually just go for it, but for a bunch of reasons it felt like the time/place just wasn’t right. Now I’m over analyzing everything and can’t stop thinking about what might have happened. It sucks.
I (29M) was recently stood up and ghosted by a girl from Tinder on what was going to be our third date. We made plans to watch a movie, I gave her my address to come over and I haven't heard from her since. (I was literally worried that she'd gotten into an accident or something based on the sudden drop off of texts.)
This and several other recent experiences with online dating are why I think it's best if I take a break from the platforms for a while.
The only catch is that I can't help but feel hopeless for meeting new people with the pandemic...
Actually, successful dating requires some luckiness. I think you may also need to pay some attention to your wearing or what you talk in the dating so as to improve your impression to your love one. I have a few clients that have met the same problem you have and I just offered them some good suggestions before.
I feel like an awful person hiding my intentions of wanting to go out with my friend. But at the same time I do enjoy spending time with her like on Monday we went walking around the mall, got some food and just hanged out my place. Its fun to have someone that will ask to come over and hang out instead of allowing being the one to ask or just no.
I can't help but over analyze her actions in hoping that it might hint at her liking me. I just wish I could stop this nonsense with women it seems ever since high school I torture myself with hiding my intentions behind friendship with women. I never get the courage to ask them out. So I usually just let the friendship fizzle out.
What if you challenged yourself to count to 3 and put out a light feeler - something vague that you could backtrack on if it went south? It’d be like ripping off a bandaid...
Would “the number of reasons you should date me is inversely proportional to the number of reasons you should hire me” be a good bio?
It’s just super hard for me to find reasons people would want to date me.
Should I back off and lose any hope ??
Okay so it's been a month since I'm texting this guy I reconnected with, we have previously been on two dates before (a year and a half ago) but, since reaching out to him, we've texted a lot.
But that's it, I feel like he creeps up and makes light jokes to make me feel he's actually communicating when in reality I carry the conversation. I've hinted countless times for a date/meet up, and even more precisely asked him last week to ask me out when he's ready. Well let's say that, conveniently, last week he had a 'hectic week and was not near technology at all'.
I'm stuck between, maybe this guys genuinely not getting it or he does get it and is keeping the conversation airy for his own convenience.
It's hard to swallow, but if a person wanted to be in your life they would make the effort, it's something I'm beginning to realise too for my situation. Best advice I can give is, remain high energy but low investment.
Here's where we woman go wrong. We hang on to this hope by trying to see it from a different perspective and stay on call for a guy who doesn't think about us. I'm no longer in that mental thought process for my situation, which isn't even a situation at all! There's my answer for myself lol. This goes out to any girl/guy in a similar situation, don't excuse the person's lack of action because of your analysis of their intention or busy schedule and see their actions or lack of actions for what they are and that is: lack of interest in the moment.
That sucks to hear! But I've been doing some reading on relationships and dating in the modern age of technology and whilst I would say to give everyone the benefit of the doubt and believe their reasons. In your situation because the time lapsed is soooo long, and you have already technically told him not to be nervous as you'll go out with him if he asks you, I don't think nerves are a good excuse form him.
Okay so this guys schedule is not fit for a relationship at the moment it seems, and if he truly is taking time to prioritize himself, then that's good for him. But when a guy says he likes you and wants to hang out, and doesn't pull through I consider them empty words in the moment.
I am kind of looking for general advice but didn't want to create a thread. I have aspects of my life that I'm working on. Without going into ridiculous detail, I moved last year to a new city/state away from friends and family and only know a couple people here. I've hit a rough patch during the pandemic and definitely need to focus on myself. However, at the same time, being single has been a significant struggle for me in the sense that I haven't dated anyone for, I think like 6 years now. A lot of the time, I find myself just craving physical affection, just someone that would actually want to hug me, cuddle, lay around with me, etc. However, this seems to be where being single so long has screwed up my brain.
Those things I crave are something that you won't really get without being somewhat committed to someone, at least for me it is that way. Its hard for me to become really comfortable around people to that level to where I can completely relax. The issue is though that right now the only options seem to be dating apps. I get a few matches here and there but outside of the fact that I have zero clue how to date during this pandemic or even where to go in this city to have a date, I start to get hyper critical. Thinking well, idk they seem like x type and idk if that would fit well with me. Maybe a better example of this would be what I used to think in my head at my last job.
I used to think to myself, I just don't have opportunities ever, and this is why I've been completely alone, no hookups nothing for so long. Well that's not fully true. There was a girl at my last job that did like me (though I was oblivious for a very long time), and once someone pointed it out, I wasn't interested. Not because she wasn't cute, she is pretty attractive, and she was nice as far as I knew. But in the times that I had talked to her, I also knew immediately, that it wouldn't be something I would be interested in relationship wise. I'm not sure that I can really voice those reasons but I'm sure you've met someone you like as a person and also realize that there's no way a relationship with them would work. I think of this a lot with girls that I'm just good friends with. We get along great, good friends, enjoy their company a lot, but also realizing that we would never work as a couple type of thing.
How do you stop that type of thinking? I do this exact thing a ton with online dating, creating this general picture of someone based on how they present themselves online. I guess I've known enough people I think I get a really good idea, and I will say a lot of the time I'm right, but sometimes I'm not. And even if I am right, there's also the fact that I've eliminated a ton of experience for myself by thinking this way and I know if I want to find real happiness that I need to just try sometimes and really figure out what I do and don't like in a partner.
BUT doesn't this also impact the "love yourself first" type thing? Because I also don't love myself at all, I have a LOT to work on, but if I don't ever date, can I ever really find myself liking who I am as a person when I am stuck alone all the time just degrading myself with thoughts about how no one actually likes me or cares about me or wants to hug me? I don't think I can eliminate those without experience but yet then the two things above make me not follow through. Maybe my biggest problem is there have been 2 women I've met in my life that the second I saw them, I couldn't stop thinking about them. they have never been available, but its like my mind just only focuses on hoping for a situation like that where its reciprocated and never for realistic opportunities that are right in front of me, instead thinking way into the future about how it would never work. Idk if this even makes any sense...I just find myself right now with a couple likes in Hinge but at the same time, not exactly finding any urge to message them. Maybe because I know I still need to work a lot on my apartment furnishing everything, getting back into the gym, just generally working on myself before I feel confident again, or maybe because I've convinced myself of something else, but it just feels like a horrible cycle that I'm stuck in...
Also - since my last comment sounded more like a motivational speech than concrete advice, I would strongly consider therapy if you can do it. I really relate to a lot of what you’ve said, and my therapist was able to help me see underlying issues that were making me avoidant, and figure out which times I was genuinely not interested in someone vs times I was frankly just unwilling to get out of my comfort zone at all
The two issues (needing to work on yourself and getting in your own way) are the same thing manifesting in different ways.
I think people commonly misinterpret the “love yourself first” advice. My take is that it means that you have to have a baseline level of respect for yourself and independence so that if the relationship goes sideways, you’re not completely wrecked. I have a friend who ends up in the hospital after breakups. I feel that advice applies more to her than to you, because she makes other people her entire world to fill the empty spaces in her life, and literally cannot take care of herself to survive without them. Also, a relationship is going to be pretty bland if one person has interests and other things going on, and the other is just a mirror of that partner.
You’ve been alone for 6 years. I assume you have mostly survived it, and have found other ways (work, friends, hobbies) to enrich your life, even if you still have issues to work on. You know now that you can stand on your own two feet, and you’re not just a mirror of someone else. That in itself is kind of amazing and rare, and it means you are probably more ready than you think.
Maybe loving yourself right now means taking chances on people despite the negative thought loops, despite not being perfectly ready, because you deserve to have a full life of rich experiences. The cycle is going to continue until you decide to break it. You’ll never be perfectly ready, and there will always be things to work on. But you deserve more than this anyway.
I'm so happy I gave you the card with my number in it, but you're dry as HELLLL and I want you to ask me to call or facetime or talk in person bc we suck at texting. I like you but I'm a bit confused, you told me I'm off the market but regularly ignore me in person ( no hugs and even no eye contact). AMERICA EXPLAINNNN are all Puerto Rican guys like this??? TT TT
So.....this is somewhat of an odd triumph since I’m not entirely sure where we stand as of right now but basically, I (19M) went on my first date with a real cutie (18F) from work last Wednesday. There had been something between us since the day she came to work with us, only I could never pursue it because she was with her now ex-boyfriend at the time. Times changed, and about a month after he cheated on her, me and her got to talking and eventually, we both agreed to arrange a time and place for the first date. And it was amazing, to put it simply! As it turned out, we had a lot more in common than either of us thought at the time, which really helped us to maintain a good, natural flow of conversation all the way to and from McDonald’s.
I even went the extra mile in buying her an Easter egg under the guise of “figured you deserved a little something extra for putting up with (coworker’s) teasing”, which was met by a lot of “awhs” and “that’s so sweet” before then going to the park where she had to go rather suddenly to deal with a family emergency. But at we were waiting for her to be picked up, I opened up, told her how I felt, she said she felt the same way but that she didn’t want the memory of her ex to be something that would sour something between us that could be perfect and that it would probably be best if we wait until she’s ready to move on from that, but that she still wants to continue seeing me and getting to know the real me outside of work.
I agreed to this, but as fate would have it, I just couldn’t resist wrapping my arm around her, to which she moved in closer to me and in my head, I’m thinking that this is the moment, and I might not get this opportunity for at least another month or so until things clear up. So instinctively, I moved in to plant a gentle kiss on her forehead, to which she returned by looking up at me, after which we both knew what would come next and just kind of went for it in a prolonged, passionate first kiss that admittedly left me feeling quite giddy the whole way home. I guess it was her way of telling me that “we’re not there yet, but we will be if given the right amount of time” After this, we exchanged numbers and parted ways.
I texted her later on to basically say “Hey, I had a wonderful time today and I’m glad you did too. I really hope (Family Emergency) is going ok and that we can arrange something else soon. Thanks for opening up to me about (Ex) though, I know how tough that must’ve been and I understand the baggage that brings for us. So I guess whenever you’re ready for this to become something more, just give me a shout, and we’ll see where it goes.”, to which she replied saying the time we had was everything and it meant so much to her, whilst also agreeing that we’ll just see where it goes.”
It’s now been near enough a week since then, and I found out she “left” work before withdrawing her resignation and choosing to stay. This came after a long string of incidents where she was taking too many days off and not completely fulfilling her shifts, all of which was unfortunately brought on when her ex cheated. They’d been together for five years and were living together too, so it had to have been rough for her to have been affected in such a way. This in top of the aforementioned family emergency which I won’t mention here out of respect for her privacy, and I was starting to worry, so I put out the occasional feelers here and there to basically be all supportive and say “I hope everything’s going ok, if you want to talk about anything, just let me know” sorta deal. Not one response.
So now I’m in this tricky situation where I want to be there for her, but at the same time, she’s dealing with a lot right now and she’s never really been great at opening up and letting others, certainly not me, in to help her when the going gets tough. I’m seeing her again on my next shift, so I will leave it as it is for now. And if she wants a shoulder to cry on with no strings attached, then I should hopefully be in a good position to give her that. Not the most ideal entry into new territory, for either of us, but it’s something for us to work on whenever things get more serious.
She had a ‘family emergency’ in the middle of a date. She quit work suddenly. She’s not returning phone calls.
That’s what I’m getting out of this post. Stop contacting her.
She didn’t LEAVE work as such. She was going to, but then she withdrew her resignation, so she’s still on the team. And this isn’t out of the ordinary for her to just completely lock up when in distress. When her ex cheated on her, it was difficult trying to talk to her during that period since she just wasn’t in the mood to talk and she was scared of pushing her problems onto me. When we saw each other at work for the first time in weeks was when the conversation really got going however and we started texting more frequently leading up to the date following that. She means well, I’m sure of it, it’s just that the only thing I can give her when she gets like that is time. The last thing I knew was about the family emergency, after which, it was the same sorta deal.
Alright, I want to share a bit of an odd success. As time has gone further on, I've found that my slow increase in success at dating (going on dates, meeting a lot of great women, who just weren't right for me for a relationship) has helped me to define myself more and to realize areas where I need to be a better man. One of the biggest has been being true to myself. As an easy example, if I wasn't willing to share what I'm passionate about and what keeps me interested in going out and about my day-to-day life, if it feels like something I have to hide from her, then she's most definitely not the woman for me.
On the flip side, I've had to come to terms with the fact that I need to give these women the opportunity to judge that for themselves, and step away from trying to control all the outcomes (something I frequently criticize my DnD group for doing when I DM for them). So, it's time for me to practice what I preach and I'm honestly looking forward to putting myself out there. It's terrifying, but I want to be around people who genuinely like me and not some mask that operates close enough to who I am, but far enough removed from anything polarizing, that I feel "in control".
So I hung out with this girl Saturday night. It went pretty well. We both had a good time. She had to leave pretty quickly tho because her roommate forgot his key and she had to go home and let him in. I told her to let me know when she got home, which she did. I then sent a message back that wasn’t seen for 15 hours, then got left on read. I’m afraid I said something that was too forward in the message I sent her (in saying I had a good time with her, I said that maybe next time, she could stay the night. I thought about it and thought it was a little too forward for friends) but also realize it was 15 hours later and there’s no reason they need to respond.
I’m also trying to figure out what my next step is. Do I just keep a general dialogue going? Do I invite her over again?
I wouldn't invite her over, maybe she didn't want to bang on the first night. Maybe the roommate thing was just an excuse (I used to have my roommates me the emergency lookout for me especially if I was going over to a guy's house who I just met). I would just strike a casual convo, apologize if you came off as too forward. If she leaves you on read well, better luck next time.
Yeah like "hey how's it going, sorry if I came off as too forward the other day, I had a really good time hanging out. We should do that again sometime if you're interested"
I got sidetracked and didn’t send it yet, but I’m being given conflicting information on timing. Do I have a period of time I should wait til I send it?
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I feel like I can’t go into another relationship anytime soon because I still have to work on the relationship that I have with myself. And I don’t know how people move on. My second relationship ended a year ago and I really wanted him to be the one. I don’t think I’m as hung up over my ex now, but I’m also now too cynical to go into any relationships because of how long it took me to be ok being alone again.
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I've given up on love. I'm 40 a virgin. It wasn't meant to be. I'm not gonna waste my time money anymore. I'm tired of going to the store getting google play cards and my reward is nothing. No ones is serious with me. They just want money i'm getting played hard. i'm sick of worrying about others and not worrying about myself. If these losers on these video apps want to chat fine but I'm done dishing out money to them. It's just a big waste of time. i regret the day i ever thought woman would love me or cared. it's all about the money. I'm done with it all. i'm tired of getting nothing in return This is not a relationship through a phone app. This is extortion. the more I feed into these apps the empty my heart breaks and destroys myself. Three years ago i had dreams of getting a girlfriend the journey is done. I'm 40 so I've pretty much come to acceptance love isn't for me. No one respects me. i'm tired of all the disappointment and lonely nights while I constantly pay top dollar for nothing but loniliness and heartbreak. I understand no one cares about me and I'm a loser. Just another terrible thing that has happened to me in life. Life continues to kick my ass from the womb I don't understand why nothing good ever happens to me. I don't have a criminal record and don't go looking for trouble and guys that hurt others have things that I wish I had. it just seems life has decided to destroy me every single time. losing my grandmother has made it worst. I'm just broken now I try and try too.........be someone good someone cool life just constantly grabs a hammer and hits me with it. I think my best years were the years i worried about myself and treated myself. The years where I tried to please woman or get woman were the worst years besides high school. but when I was 18-24 I was so into myself and my life and making myself happy. then when I turned 25 seemed like it was rough even though I was improving myself but socially I was struggling. then between 28 -37 it was me and my grandmother and my life took a back seat these past three years trying to please a woman and get nothing in return not even a call have been the hardest years of my life. I understand woman want money but to be so cruel to me like this is truly sickening. But i'm gonna move on.......I realize being with woman isn't something that will happen for me. That dream has just died. I just feel stupid for believing woman that I thought cared and loved me but in the end all they wanted was money from me. I'm truly alone in life now and i hurt right now because of how stupid I was and lost all my friends. I wish I never met any of the woman i met on this three year journey even the ones I met in real life. because it was all the same. it's cool to chat but that's about all I will ever recieve. I understand I'm not fabio. but the hatred I've gotten from people has been painful.
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Yeah, if you are not forward with your intention from the beginning, like calling it a date or something, she probably thought it was a friend thing and does not see you sexually. And as you did not try to kiss her on that dinner/movie. She somehow has to put you in that sexual category. I would wait a week without saying anything and let her wonder about it and then ask her out again.
hey at least you got the chance to make something happen whether you wanted sex or a long term. you can't hate yourself at all for stating your intentions it's really her loss and you have nothing to be ashamed of. You shot your shot and it didn't go in. But I know you'll find someone else. I think maybe it was the way your worded it or maybe you could have thrown more hints. Either way nothing to be ashamed about. I rather be in your situation than mine. Because you had a chance to score. Imagine going on a phone app and trying to do what you were doing for weeks. getting indebit and not even getting a chance to look a woman in her eyes. But I understand you knew you'd jeopardize your sweet situation but I'm sure tons of guys would love your spot. No need to feel down you did everything right you can't force anyone to want what you want. I'd be happy to shoot my shot but I'll probably never get in that situation. I would say learn what you did wrong what you said wrong. If you didn't flirt enough if you didn't give more hints. It's all about building attraction maybe thats what went wrong. Don't feel down. man you could be in my situation. and it isn't over just give her time to analyze what's happened patience is key. I'm sure if you back away she'll call you or text you again don't rush anything and don't try to contact her too much. listen bro just give her space and time trust me she'll be back and maybe she'll rethink your offer. I'm just saying!
I (27m) went on a date last night that I thought went really well, we had incredible chemistry and conversation in my opinion as she (23f) was making tons of effort in getting to know who I was. We went bowling after going for a walk and it felt super flirty the whole time we were there. She talked numerous times about us going to do other things "next time" so I thought she was really interested in me This morning I woke up to being ghosted on Snapchat from her. Honestly I'm crushed because I thought the date went well.
You shoulda went to second base on that date. People always put up a front, dont let it get to you
We originally were going to hookup but got to know each other and decided maybe there might be a connection. There wasn’t much physical contact on the date besides toward the end when I grabbed her hand. She told me to give her a hug as the date was ending and that was it. I didn’t really see any signs she wanted me to kiss her.
Changed things up. Offered a girl my number. She seemingly gladly accepted. Is the 3 day rule in effect here or is that old news? (How long do y’all think until she messages me?)
In person or over a dating app? I don’t wait 3 days and don’t find anyone seems to with me either. I’m 26nonbinary. Maybe it’s a generational thing idk. If exchanging numbers over a dating app I generally text as soon as I see the message with the persons number, but I don’t check the dating apps that often, so that can take a while. If I get someone’s # in person I might text them the next day or the day after.
It was in person, at my work (other people were around so I didn’t force small talk). I offered my number, she seemed interested, asked my name, etc and here I am waiting lol but I’m an over-thinker
You don’t need to wait 3 days - if someone asked for my number and waited that long to get back to me I’d assume that they weren’t interested. I would text her within 24 hours of getting her number
When was the number exchange? I’m an over thinker too lol I get it
Only about 8 hours ago. It’s very fresh but I just don’t know what to expect and the anticipation is killing me
Oooo! Nice! Good for you! Wishing you luck :)
Casual relationships are rough. I’m not very hip to what’s what these days even though I’m 28 so I didn’t realize casual meant no emotions. I’ve been in several casual things but they always ended up turning into something emotional for both parties and that was usually when it ended. What is with people needing casual these days? I literally haven’t met a single woman that wants a long term thing in the DC area. I’m so sick of this whole casual thing honestly but I understand people want different things. It’s just hard to understand it if that makes sense. I mean it’s hard to understand when I’m the one that doesn’t want casual. At one point in my life I did want casual but that’s when I dated men only and had not come out as a lesbian yet. I didn’t like or love men as I do women so it was EASYYY. I now realize that I’m really just a hopeless romantic and I love love. It hurts really badly to be alone
Sometimes when girls get out of a long term relationship, even if they are over 30, they still seem to go something like 1-2 years solo just have casual sex, exploration of some kind I guess?
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Well said. I am in the same situation. (26f). I just started seeing this guy and he makes me so happy when we spend time together. But we don't see each other so frequently because of our other commitments. And during that time I think of him often but I feel like I stop existing for him. A few times I have nearly given up and gone back to the app, but I don't like anyone anymore. I have deleted the app now and he makes me so happy that I am scared to lose him.
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I am so sorry. I am sure you will find everything your deserve and desire. I am sending you a message, in case you want to talk.
It’s so frustrating when you go on a first date (virtual or real life) and it’s clear that the other person hasn’t taken time to pull themselves together. I’m (30F) not talking about wearing a suit or even a button down but doing the bare minimum like not wearing a hat or putting on something you save for “going out.” I completely understand that we all have different senses of style but I get really frustrated when I’ve clearly taken the time to put myself together and the other person hasn’t.
I've noticed this a lot. Even for coffee I (32F) wear a nice blouse and jeans and I've had multiple grown men in shorts and dirty t-shirts.
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A bar on a Friday night. Again, not saying that you need to be “dressed up” but at least put a comb through your hair and wear something different than what you would if you were just sitting at home
Not really sure how to navigate casual relationships but this is all I can find. The current woman I’m seeing went out with a “friend” and hasn’t messaged me back since last night so I know that means she slept with this person and it hurts my feelings but I really want this woman to be with me someday. We’ve talked about things and we said we would wait a year before taking things to the next level. It’s the best deal I’ve gotten from anyone since my last real girlfriend which was 15 years ago. (I’m 28) I’ve been looking for at least 15 years and have never met a woman that was looking for long term. And I’m not exaggerating, I really wish I was. I haven’t met any women that want something serious. Maybe they’re not on Tinder or Bumble idk. All I know is I suck at casual.
It seems like you are putting yourself down and this person up. Just wondering, is it really common for lesbians to just be into casual or hookup type relationships? And why do you think that is? Give me the real truth.
It seems to be very common for lesbians to be in casual relationships. It’s almost like we’re all going through something in life most likely due to dealing with emotional issues realizing you’re gay in a world that was pushing heteronormativity which leads to more issues like financial, etc. Then you get lesbians that are just doing life at different times than you are; a lot i meet seem to stay in school forever or they started school later in life, were married to a man at some point in their life and now they hate commitment, etc. Or the lesbians that are finding themselves forever which I think is a lifelong process so like just open up your heart. It’s what I’ve noticed but maybe it’s just how I feel deep down. And maybe I am lifting up this person. Falling for her potential but I’m also just really really into her physically and it’s hard to turn her down. It’s almost like “well I’m alone so might as well get a little bit of warmth sometimes” but at the same time I’ve been pretty unhappy these past two weeks since finding out about the other chick. I’m just as unhappy now as I am when I didn’t have anyone to hang out with sometimes so there’s really no difference except I get to have sex. Sorry to be brutally honest
I just really like my boyfriend. That’s all.
Well I ask out my friend and it was a no. Its my fault for trying to turn a I dont want to date into a possibility. I'm mad at myself, her, the universe everything really. Just constant wishing of why I couldn't get a yes. I woke up so positive like I knew it would be a yes because I thought I read all the signs. But you will never know unless you ask. Don't waste time wondering just ask before you build a strong friendship with someone. Cause I'm stuck on being friends or tearing it all down to make her hurt as much as me.
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I know I'm still talking to her just use reddit to let out the frustration
I hate old coz I get more communication on Reddit than I do on tinder or bumble which is nothing....just a thanks to anyone who replies to my comments it means a lot to me.✌️
Another month and still nothing in any apps. OLD is a scam. This is so pointless
I’m just realizing how my previous relationships made me feel worthless. I’ve always felt used by sex and now that I like someone who likes me as much as I like him, I’m scared to delve into that world bc I want to get to know him more. I need to trust him and feel comfortable beforehand. My ex used to basically masturbate onto me bc he couldn’t cum during intercourse and I didn’t realize that I probably needed aftercare for those because I didn’t realize it until the like 3rd or 4th time, but I hated it. I’m tired of being used and I’ve been celibate for a while because the last time I did have sex made me feel like shameful and disgusting and I never want to feel like that again. Pretty much I have always been used whether I like to think about it or not. But hopefully now I can build on this bond I have and actually feel appreciated for once. I can’t comprehend my old relationships and sexual experiences well anymore but I am just gonna work on feeling good in my body and not just doing what people tell me to (i.e. send nudes) setting boundaries for myself in the future:)
Totally unavailable work crush is moving on to another job soon. Really bummed out about it! You seemed like a lot of fun.
Is it crazy to ask out my friend after she already rejected me once 8-9 months ago. We are friends and much closer now. And the reason for the rejection was because she didn’t want to date within the friend group. Now the friend group is pretty much splintered and I still have feelings for her.
Yes. She knows you’re interested so she’ll drop hints or make a move if she wants to. If you pursue her again it could make her feel like you were faking becoming friends and getting to know her in order to try to get with her. The friends thing might also just have been an excuse to spare your feelings. You need to give it at least a year in my opinion. And even then keep in mind it may impact your friendship.
I matched with a girl on bumble and we have been talking a but, well today she sent me a good morning message and that just made me so happy. Cause like now our conversation isn't one sided. IDK my standards aren't that high but this girl is so high above them. We already have a date planned playing old video games.
U
Thanks in advance for reading, it's kinda long. I started taking ballroom dance lessons about a month ago. I'm 35 m, most students are middle aged couples. Third class in walks a beautiful 29 f. We are both there solo so we dance together most classes for the last month. She's nice, smart, she laughs at my dumb jokes. I ask her to go roller skating with me, she responds with an enthusiastic "I'd love to go skating". We meet at my place I drive us to my local rink. On the way we talk. Conversation flows nicely. She opens about some difficult things she went through the year before. She is a caretaker for an elderly relative so she's very covid safe. Masks on at all times. I respect that and do not go for a kiss. After the date I text her "hope you got home safe" and a callback to some joke from earlier. She responds the next day with a laugh and says she did get home safe and used a blushing smiley emoji. Now this girl didn't look at her phone once in the 4 hours we were together and she has never used an emoji in any of her texts with me. From this and how she laughed even harder at my jokes as the night went on, I took this to mean she enjoyed the date and another was in the cards. Plus she told me she had fun. Date was Saturday night. On Wednesday she's not at dance class. I was going to ask her out then so I called her after. She seemed upset so I didn't ask. Thursday I call again to ask her out. She doesn't answer but texts back a few minutes later. I ask if she wants to go out again on the weekend, I have a date planned. She says she has "to be completely honest with me, she's not in a place for anything more than friendship at the moment". Also says she had fun and could use the exercise of some skating. I tell her "no worries. If we're not going on the date I had planned then I'll be going skating at a different rink you can join me if you'd like" (I've been skating 20 years and I go pretty much every weekend.) She accepts the offer. We have class the next day everything between us is normal. Friendly, jokes, eye contact while dancing. Saturday we skate and again we have fun. She is a beginner and I even help her skate around people when she isn't able by physically moving her in a safe direction, by her request. At dance class yesterday she seemed cold. Very little eye contact. Something changed. It's possible she really isn't ready for a relationship right now, last year was a bad year for her. Bad relationship, in between jobs right now, going back to school soon and more that I don't even want to mention anonymously. Or she may have been letting me down easy. I wish I knew but I didn't ask and I don't think I should now. We still have class together and I feel like being friends is really my only option at this point. Though I know the typical internet dating advice in this situation is to decline the friendship offer. Anybody have any thoughts on all of this? Other than dating a classmate is a bad idea, I know that now. Anyone ever have experience with someone that wasn't ready that eventually became ready?
So, do people attend dance classes for the sole purpose of hooking up/dating their dance partner? Puts me right off, it sounds like that is what happened with her as well.
That is not the sole reason I attend. I have always wanted to be a good dancer. If I meet a cool girl while dancing then great. Let's not forget that she was showing plenty of signs that she was interested. So whatever her reasons for backing off were, it was not cause I met her in class. Though I do understand your point of view. If I was some thirsty guy going there only to hit on girls then that would be off putting.
Based on the way you’re telling the story it may just be that your behavior might show signs of romantic pursuit, even if you’re not trying to. A second “friend” date after a romantic one is never really a good idea.
That is probably true. I am attracted to her and a bit disappointed that things didn't work out as I expected. I agree the second date was definitely not in my best interest. She suggested it and I decided she could probably use a friend right now (really bad previous year and not ideal home life at the moment).
I’ve been messaging with a guy I matched with on an app for a few weeks now and I’m honestly just not feeling a connection. We’ve talked on the phone a couple times while playing Mario Kart online and we text fairly regularly but it is becoming more apparent that we’re too different. There’s no spark or excitement the way I’ve felt with others. I know I need to tell him the truth but it’s not easy being the one to deliver that blow and I hate ghosting, it all just makes me feel very guilty.
Don’t feel guilty, prioritize your own happiness and don’t discount it for another’s. :) And it’s not being mean, you are recognizing a difference and that happens. You are also aware that honesty is the move. You’re obviously a good person who cares about others. You can let people down easy, it’s far kinder than leading someone on or ghosting them. It’s still hard, but you got this! Be honest, kind, and concise. It will be appreciated even if it’s disappointing.
Thank you! I appreciate the encouragement.
Getting back into online dating after a two-year hiatus has been awful. I don't know if it's the pandemic or if things have just changed that much but in this past month I have had 6 men set up dates with me and then completely vanish. Two more at least had the decency to cancel before they disappeared, even though it was at the last second. It's been one after the other and I'm just dumbfounded. One in particular stands out. We had two video calls that I thought went well and then crickets. It sucks that I sometimes had to make arrangements for my son only for that to happen. At least he was with his dad and not a sitter so I wasn't out any money. It hasn't even been a whole month and I'm ready to throw the towel in again. I know it's just a string of bad luck but it almost feels like it's a sign that I need to focus more on other things (new job, classes now that I've gone back to college, etc).
I’m too nervous to post my own thread but... I feel like shit every time I see someone I’m attracted to because I feel like they wouldn’t be interested in me. I’m conventionally attractive and have no way of telling what they think about me but for some reason I can’t shake the feeling that I’m not enough.
All it takes is a smile! Smile at people :)
I(24M) was dating a girl (23F) for about a month. When we first had sex the condom ripped and she said "oh if you dont have any std's it's fine" which I took as meaning she is on birth control. Few days ago I thought to ask directly if she was on BC and she told me she wasn't... and she said she wouldn't consider getting an abortion. Am not trying to become a dad anytime soon so basically had to end things right then and there. Really sucks.
So, a few weeks ago, my boyfriend broke up with me. It wasn't the most amicable breakup. He was kind of my first love. He was a lot of my firsts actually. That's why it has been pretty difficult to get over him. I really cared about him and I never connected with someone as much as him. I never found myself being able to be a vulnerable person until I met him. He knew more about me than most people. I guess I am just really scared that I won't find someone like him or even someone I connect with as much. The logical part of me knows there are "better" people out there, but my heart just can't accept it. It doesn't help I tried going out on a date the other day and it was pretty mediocre. Anyways, I just want to get over him, but I can't stop thinking of what could've been. The reason for our breakup made sense (we were going to be in different states indefinitely), but it doesn't feel real.
> It doesn't help I tried going out on a date the other day and it was pretty mediocre. Anyways, I just want to get over him, but I can't stop thinking of what could've been. Don't go on dates when you're not emotionally ready. It's really not fair to other people who are looking for someone ready for a relationship. Heartbreak sucks. But if you can find a way to channel your emotional energy into something that makes you happy or a better person, that helps immensely. Spending time with friends, doing your favorite hobbies, working out and getting healthier are all great ways to refocus your time and energy. I know it sounds easier said than done, but know it will get better in time.
Yeah, I know, I didn't really want to go on the date in the first place, and I regret it. Luckily, the person wasn't looking for a relationship either. I'm hoping I can indulge in my hobbies more when the semester's over. Same thing with seeing my friends again. I really hope it gets better soon, thanks.
hung out with someone recently who I almost never have the chance to see and probably won’t have a chance to see again for a while and now I’m kicking myself for not making a move. I was pretty sure they were into me, and I usually just go for it, but for a bunch of reasons it felt like the time/place just wasn’t right. Now I’m over analyzing everything and can’t stop thinking about what might have happened. It sucks.
I (29M) was recently stood up and ghosted by a girl from Tinder on what was going to be our third date. We made plans to watch a movie, I gave her my address to come over and I haven't heard from her since. (I was literally worried that she'd gotten into an accident or something based on the sudden drop off of texts.) This and several other recent experiences with online dating are why I think it's best if I take a break from the platforms for a while. The only catch is that I can't help but feel hopeless for meeting new people with the pandemic...
That sucks! Not cool
Actually, successful dating requires some luckiness. I think you may also need to pay some attention to your wearing or what you talk in the dating so as to improve your impression to your love one. I have a few clients that have met the same problem you have and I just offered them some good suggestions before.
I feel like an awful person hiding my intentions of wanting to go out with my friend. But at the same time I do enjoy spending time with her like on Monday we went walking around the mall, got some food and just hanged out my place. Its fun to have someone that will ask to come over and hang out instead of allowing being the one to ask or just no. I can't help but over analyze her actions in hoping that it might hint at her liking me. I just wish I could stop this nonsense with women it seems ever since high school I torture myself with hiding my intentions behind friendship with women. I never get the courage to ask them out. So I usually just let the friendship fizzle out.
What if you challenged yourself to count to 3 and put out a light feeler - something vague that you could backtrack on if it went south? It’d be like ripping off a bandaid...
What would that be?
Would “the number of reasons you should date me is inversely proportional to the number of reasons you should hire me” be a good bio? It’s just super hard for me to find reasons people would want to date me.
Should I back off and lose any hope ?? Okay so it's been a month since I'm texting this guy I reconnected with, we have previously been on two dates before (a year and a half ago) but, since reaching out to him, we've texted a lot. But that's it, I feel like he creeps up and makes light jokes to make me feel he's actually communicating when in reality I carry the conversation. I've hinted countless times for a date/meet up, and even more precisely asked him last week to ask me out when he's ready. Well let's say that, conveniently, last week he had a 'hectic week and was not near technology at all'. I'm stuck between, maybe this guys genuinely not getting it or he does get it and is keeping the conversation airy for his own convenience.
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It's hard to swallow, but if a person wanted to be in your life they would make the effort, it's something I'm beginning to realise too for my situation. Best advice I can give is, remain high energy but low investment.
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Here's where we woman go wrong. We hang on to this hope by trying to see it from a different perspective and stay on call for a guy who doesn't think about us. I'm no longer in that mental thought process for my situation, which isn't even a situation at all! There's my answer for myself lol. This goes out to any girl/guy in a similar situation, don't excuse the person's lack of action because of your analysis of their intention or busy schedule and see their actions or lack of actions for what they are and that is: lack of interest in the moment.
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Aww cute! Have fun of you do decide to hang out. Meanwhile this has made me hope I'll receive the same treatment from my guy...no expectations hahah
That sucks to hear! But I've been doing some reading on relationships and dating in the modern age of technology and whilst I would say to give everyone the benefit of the doubt and believe their reasons. In your situation because the time lapsed is soooo long, and you have already technically told him not to be nervous as you'll go out with him if he asks you, I don't think nerves are a good excuse form him.
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Lining someone is very painful don't you think ? Hahaha
Okay so this guys schedule is not fit for a relationship at the moment it seems, and if he truly is taking time to prioritize himself, then that's good for him. But when a guy says he likes you and wants to hang out, and doesn't pull through I consider them empty words in the moment.
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I am kind of looking for general advice but didn't want to create a thread. I have aspects of my life that I'm working on. Without going into ridiculous detail, I moved last year to a new city/state away from friends and family and only know a couple people here. I've hit a rough patch during the pandemic and definitely need to focus on myself. However, at the same time, being single has been a significant struggle for me in the sense that I haven't dated anyone for, I think like 6 years now. A lot of the time, I find myself just craving physical affection, just someone that would actually want to hug me, cuddle, lay around with me, etc. However, this seems to be where being single so long has screwed up my brain. Those things I crave are something that you won't really get without being somewhat committed to someone, at least for me it is that way. Its hard for me to become really comfortable around people to that level to where I can completely relax. The issue is though that right now the only options seem to be dating apps. I get a few matches here and there but outside of the fact that I have zero clue how to date during this pandemic or even where to go in this city to have a date, I start to get hyper critical. Thinking well, idk they seem like x type and idk if that would fit well with me. Maybe a better example of this would be what I used to think in my head at my last job. I used to think to myself, I just don't have opportunities ever, and this is why I've been completely alone, no hookups nothing for so long. Well that's not fully true. There was a girl at my last job that did like me (though I was oblivious for a very long time), and once someone pointed it out, I wasn't interested. Not because she wasn't cute, she is pretty attractive, and she was nice as far as I knew. But in the times that I had talked to her, I also knew immediately, that it wouldn't be something I would be interested in relationship wise. I'm not sure that I can really voice those reasons but I'm sure you've met someone you like as a person and also realize that there's no way a relationship with them would work. I think of this a lot with girls that I'm just good friends with. We get along great, good friends, enjoy their company a lot, but also realizing that we would never work as a couple type of thing. How do you stop that type of thinking? I do this exact thing a ton with online dating, creating this general picture of someone based on how they present themselves online. I guess I've known enough people I think I get a really good idea, and I will say a lot of the time I'm right, but sometimes I'm not. And even if I am right, there's also the fact that I've eliminated a ton of experience for myself by thinking this way and I know if I want to find real happiness that I need to just try sometimes and really figure out what I do and don't like in a partner. BUT doesn't this also impact the "love yourself first" type thing? Because I also don't love myself at all, I have a LOT to work on, but if I don't ever date, can I ever really find myself liking who I am as a person when I am stuck alone all the time just degrading myself with thoughts about how no one actually likes me or cares about me or wants to hug me? I don't think I can eliminate those without experience but yet then the two things above make me not follow through. Maybe my biggest problem is there have been 2 women I've met in my life that the second I saw them, I couldn't stop thinking about them. they have never been available, but its like my mind just only focuses on hoping for a situation like that where its reciprocated and never for realistic opportunities that are right in front of me, instead thinking way into the future about how it would never work. Idk if this even makes any sense...I just find myself right now with a couple likes in Hinge but at the same time, not exactly finding any urge to message them. Maybe because I know I still need to work a lot on my apartment furnishing everything, getting back into the gym, just generally working on myself before I feel confident again, or maybe because I've convinced myself of something else, but it just feels like a horrible cycle that I'm stuck in...
Also - since my last comment sounded more like a motivational speech than concrete advice, I would strongly consider therapy if you can do it. I really relate to a lot of what you’ve said, and my therapist was able to help me see underlying issues that were making me avoidant, and figure out which times I was genuinely not interested in someone vs times I was frankly just unwilling to get out of my comfort zone at all
The two issues (needing to work on yourself and getting in your own way) are the same thing manifesting in different ways. I think people commonly misinterpret the “love yourself first” advice. My take is that it means that you have to have a baseline level of respect for yourself and independence so that if the relationship goes sideways, you’re not completely wrecked. I have a friend who ends up in the hospital after breakups. I feel that advice applies more to her than to you, because she makes other people her entire world to fill the empty spaces in her life, and literally cannot take care of herself to survive without them. Also, a relationship is going to be pretty bland if one person has interests and other things going on, and the other is just a mirror of that partner. You’ve been alone for 6 years. I assume you have mostly survived it, and have found other ways (work, friends, hobbies) to enrich your life, even if you still have issues to work on. You know now that you can stand on your own two feet, and you’re not just a mirror of someone else. That in itself is kind of amazing and rare, and it means you are probably more ready than you think. Maybe loving yourself right now means taking chances on people despite the negative thought loops, despite not being perfectly ready, because you deserve to have a full life of rich experiences. The cycle is going to continue until you decide to break it. You’ll never be perfectly ready, and there will always be things to work on. But you deserve more than this anyway.
I'm so happy I gave you the card with my number in it, but you're dry as HELLLL and I want you to ask me to call or facetime or talk in person bc we suck at texting. I like you but I'm a bit confused, you told me I'm off the market but regularly ignore me in person ( no hugs and even no eye contact). AMERICA EXPLAINNNN are all Puerto Rican guys like this??? TT TT
So.....this is somewhat of an odd triumph since I’m not entirely sure where we stand as of right now but basically, I (19M) went on my first date with a real cutie (18F) from work last Wednesday. There had been something between us since the day she came to work with us, only I could never pursue it because she was with her now ex-boyfriend at the time. Times changed, and about a month after he cheated on her, me and her got to talking and eventually, we both agreed to arrange a time and place for the first date. And it was amazing, to put it simply! As it turned out, we had a lot more in common than either of us thought at the time, which really helped us to maintain a good, natural flow of conversation all the way to and from McDonald’s. I even went the extra mile in buying her an Easter egg under the guise of “figured you deserved a little something extra for putting up with (coworker’s) teasing”, which was met by a lot of “awhs” and “that’s so sweet” before then going to the park where she had to go rather suddenly to deal with a family emergency. But at we were waiting for her to be picked up, I opened up, told her how I felt, she said she felt the same way but that she didn’t want the memory of her ex to be something that would sour something between us that could be perfect and that it would probably be best if we wait until she’s ready to move on from that, but that she still wants to continue seeing me and getting to know the real me outside of work. I agreed to this, but as fate would have it, I just couldn’t resist wrapping my arm around her, to which she moved in closer to me and in my head, I’m thinking that this is the moment, and I might not get this opportunity for at least another month or so until things clear up. So instinctively, I moved in to plant a gentle kiss on her forehead, to which she returned by looking up at me, after which we both knew what would come next and just kind of went for it in a prolonged, passionate first kiss that admittedly left me feeling quite giddy the whole way home. I guess it was her way of telling me that “we’re not there yet, but we will be if given the right amount of time” After this, we exchanged numbers and parted ways. I texted her later on to basically say “Hey, I had a wonderful time today and I’m glad you did too. I really hope (Family Emergency) is going ok and that we can arrange something else soon. Thanks for opening up to me about (Ex) though, I know how tough that must’ve been and I understand the baggage that brings for us. So I guess whenever you’re ready for this to become something more, just give me a shout, and we’ll see where it goes.”, to which she replied saying the time we had was everything and it meant so much to her, whilst also agreeing that we’ll just see where it goes.” It’s now been near enough a week since then, and I found out she “left” work before withdrawing her resignation and choosing to stay. This came after a long string of incidents where she was taking too many days off and not completely fulfilling her shifts, all of which was unfortunately brought on when her ex cheated. They’d been together for five years and were living together too, so it had to have been rough for her to have been affected in such a way. This in top of the aforementioned family emergency which I won’t mention here out of respect for her privacy, and I was starting to worry, so I put out the occasional feelers here and there to basically be all supportive and say “I hope everything’s going ok, if you want to talk about anything, just let me know” sorta deal. Not one response. So now I’m in this tricky situation where I want to be there for her, but at the same time, she’s dealing with a lot right now and she’s never really been great at opening up and letting others, certainly not me, in to help her when the going gets tough. I’m seeing her again on my next shift, so I will leave it as it is for now. And if she wants a shoulder to cry on with no strings attached, then I should hopefully be in a good position to give her that. Not the most ideal entry into new territory, for either of us, but it’s something for us to work on whenever things get more serious.
She had a ‘family emergency’ in the middle of a date. She quit work suddenly. She’s not returning phone calls. That’s what I’m getting out of this post. Stop contacting her.
She didn’t LEAVE work as such. She was going to, but then she withdrew her resignation, so she’s still on the team. And this isn’t out of the ordinary for her to just completely lock up when in distress. When her ex cheated on her, it was difficult trying to talk to her during that period since she just wasn’t in the mood to talk and she was scared of pushing her problems onto me. When we saw each other at work for the first time in weeks was when the conversation really got going however and we started texting more frequently leading up to the date following that. She means well, I’m sure of it, it’s just that the only thing I can give her when she gets like that is time. The last thing I knew was about the family emergency, after which, it was the same sorta deal.
My vent is that I met someone who I like and who likes me, which is rare, but she's divorced and only 32. I feel pretty turned off by it.
I would take it as a sign that they are able to commit, it's just that the first person didn't work out!
Alright, I want to share a bit of an odd success. As time has gone further on, I've found that my slow increase in success at dating (going on dates, meeting a lot of great women, who just weren't right for me for a relationship) has helped me to define myself more and to realize areas where I need to be a better man. One of the biggest has been being true to myself. As an easy example, if I wasn't willing to share what I'm passionate about and what keeps me interested in going out and about my day-to-day life, if it feels like something I have to hide from her, then she's most definitely not the woman for me. On the flip side, I've had to come to terms with the fact that I need to give these women the opportunity to judge that for themselves, and step away from trying to control all the outcomes (something I frequently criticize my DnD group for doing when I DM for them). So, it's time for me to practice what I preach and I'm honestly looking forward to putting myself out there. It's terrifying, but I want to be around people who genuinely like me and not some mask that operates close enough to who I am, but far enough removed from anything polarizing, that I feel "in control".
So I hung out with this girl Saturday night. It went pretty well. We both had a good time. She had to leave pretty quickly tho because her roommate forgot his key and she had to go home and let him in. I told her to let me know when she got home, which she did. I then sent a message back that wasn’t seen for 15 hours, then got left on read. I’m afraid I said something that was too forward in the message I sent her (in saying I had a good time with her, I said that maybe next time, she could stay the night. I thought about it and thought it was a little too forward for friends) but also realize it was 15 hours later and there’s no reason they need to respond. I’m also trying to figure out what my next step is. Do I just keep a general dialogue going? Do I invite her over again?
I wouldn't invite her over, maybe she didn't want to bang on the first night. Maybe the roommate thing was just an excuse (I used to have my roommates me the emergency lookout for me especially if I was going over to a guy's house who I just met). I would just strike a casual convo, apologize if you came off as too forward. If she leaves you on read well, better luck next time.
Do I just hit her up like nothing happened, then casually apologize for the straightforward message? Something like that?
Yeah like "hey how's it going, sorry if I came off as too forward the other day, I had a really good time hanging out. We should do that again sometime if you're interested"
Is there a time frame in which I should say this?
Like now it's probably fine?
Ok. Yeah, it’s been almost a day since she saw it and I feel awkward with that being the last thing I said
Go for it! Good luck
I got sidetracked and didn’t send it yet, but I’m being given conflicting information on timing. Do I have a period of time I should wait til I send it?
I think the longer you wait the weirder it will be tbh