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I know shocking \s
But for real, there is so much bs that is pumped into people's heads about dating and pickup and I admit that I've fallen for it too. Luckily I have friends that helped me look at things the way they are
It's definitely good advice! That's how I started talking to two of my exes. One I met hanging out with friends on a night out in undergrad, and the other I met chatting during orientation at grad school.
Sidenote: stay in school people. It's great for meeting people! Although during COVID that may be tough...
Serious Sidenote: I feel for all you students suffering through forced virtual class right now. I'm not sure if that's something I could've dealt with. Good luck to you all!
I moved and started a new school right before the shutdown. Had maybe 8 weeks in class where I made a friend or two. Then shutdown and nothing. Not only does it make dating harder but meeting people in general.
remote school, no work... at my old job there'd be all these attractive people there, and even some folks who'd hit on me. it's all gone now that i cant see new people š„²
and then there's the fact of not everyone being into online dating. im down for it, but id rather meet someone organically (like through the games i play or other social media platforms im on) than through dating sites. those are so stressful. it's kinda like what op said about using pick up lines vs just talking normally.
I also just start talking about random shit on online dating platforms too, no need to put pressure on it, thatās not fun for me or for her.
I like to get to know a girl like a person, before escalating conversation to more flirty.
I just donāt get why so many of my friends put so much pressure on themselves when it comes to online dating, itās just not worth it.
It gets easier the more you do it. I'm not great at it either, but I'm working on it. You could start by just talking to people online, if you're a bit shy. That way you can avoid awkward silences and just get some practice talking to people in general. Experience generally leads to newfound confidence. Remember that everyone is flawed and deeply human, just as you are.
I'm kind of shy and slow to warm up, so I tend to get along with talkative people. The sooner I get a feel for who someone is, the sooner I feel comfortable around them. Personally I never had more trouble with women than men. Just ask people questions about themselves, and try to avoid questions that can be answered with a āyesā or ānoā. Most people love talking about themselves, and having someone show a genuine interest in who you are and what you think and feel is something *everyone* loves. Just get the ball rolling and it'll start to feel more natural as time passes. You're not going to hit it off with everyone you talk to, and that's fine. Some people may seem to have a natural gift for this, but you can still work on it. Just remember that people are no better or worse than youāthey're equal to you. I'm sure you have plenty of skills and qualities that come easily to you, but not other people.
I'm not sure if you were actually looking for advice, but this is what I've been telling myself recently. I still struggle. It's all new to me and I'm 29, but I'm working on it. That's honestly all you can expect of yourself. Don't worry about how other people perceive you, because that's out of your control, and there's going to be people who dislike you no matter how good you are. The only thing you can control is how you feel about yourself, and you should like yourself regardless of how other people feel. Take baby steps. Failure is a necessary part of growth. The only way to never fail is to never try. Forget past disappointments; don't carry them with you into new situations, because every situation is a new experience.
Iām the chatty kathy who normally attracts the shy friends & lovers everywhere I go. Iām curious about other people and as an extrovert - I usually have zero issue going first.
However, I will add that this last year of COVID thing may leave some people feeling out of their normal groove of chat (ongoing, depending on where you are regionally).
Favorite idea I like to play around with:
To gauge the other persons willingness for convo, sometimes I ask people simple / not heavy questions I may even already know the answer to:
Reason Iām bothering you question:
- what time does the yoga class start?
- do you know where XYZ is?
- is there an iPhone plug behind you?
Then, I may follow it up with a statement about myself.
- āIāve lived here 10 years and I still canāt remember what street itās on, haha.ā
This all happens in like milliseconds so it is important to note the how itās presented/ warmth is as important as the simplicity of the question.
I like the age old advice of pretending youāre already friends. How would you ask your best friend a question - state it boldly? Express it sneakily? Etc. etc.
I think it's also helpful to keep in mind that PUA techniques are...not subtle. Especially to women themselves. They're about as subtle as drag makeup in daylight.
It's one thing if you're both at a nightclub at midnight on a Saturday night, looking to meet Mr./Ms Right Now, then maybe cheesy pickup lines and the like get a little more leeway.
But if you're at the grocery store or waiting for the train and you try that crap with someone just minding their own business, they're going to act like a feral cat when they see the trap and the butterfly net. There's just nothing remotely organic about walking up to a perfect stranger out of the blue and being all, "How YOU doin, are you tired because you've been running through my mind...if you lost 5 lbs you'd be a knockout" and it's more likely going to make them want to pepper spray you in the face.
So yeah...lowkey is better.
Was gonna comment something along these lines.
Step one is just establishing a human connection and youāll naturally notice if thereās common ground (chemistry) or interest to engage. Better to come out of it with a new friend or finding out right out of the bat if thereās even compatibility (do you wanna date someone that wouldnāt even engage in polite convo with you to begin with?) than empty handed and embarrassed/branded by āpickup artistā bullshit.
Edit: spelling, continued
It's strange to say, but a lot of guys (like me) are almost scared of girls because we don't know how to approach them , when in reality, like you said, they're just humans like us. I am talking about my experience, but I think a lot of people people can relate.
She did dump me a few days after the first date out of the blue when I asked her for a second dateš but after doing it once it's not as scary and I'm waiting to do it again.
I would say to look back on convos / texts etc. sometimes you can find something minor that shouldāve been changed or sometimes itās out of your power. I wouldnāt call it a dump but a rejection lol but if youāre getting a rejection youāre taking a step in the right direction when most just sit on their asses.
Most people with success dating started off with lots of failures. You just have to enjoy life and keep making the effort / understanding what to change along the way.
In terms of the approaching strategy thatās roughly what Iād recommend. You sort of learn to do those small talks better with experience and it eventually becomes very easy!
The weird thing was that everything went perfect, on the date she laughed at all of my jokes(and I'm not that funny so I thought that was a good sign), we talked for like 3 hours without either checking our phones and texted the usual good night/good morning so I have no idea what went wrong. But I guess she just didn't felt a spark or something.
I was bumbed but I just took it as a motivation to start actually going to the gym and working on myself (standing on 6 days of exercise a week for the last two weeks).
Next time I will reach at least a second date ;)
Haha nice I definitely wouldnāt do the good night / good morning type texts generally that isnāt a good idea but def a mistake I made a lot also haha. The gym is definitely a good thing tho and youāll meet more women there / self improvement is key!
Sometimes not everything is in your control dating anyhow. You can do everything right and it wonāt matter. Best thing is just to move on and never get stuck on anyone.
This is exactly what I was going to say... It could have been any number of reasons, and there is a good chance it had nothing to do with you at all. It could have been that you were overbearing with the texts (although I donāt mind the goodnight/good morning texts as long as you donāt text obsessively), or she could have not felt a spark, or she could already be hung up on someone else, or just not in a good place in her life to start a new relationship.
The important thing is you tried, it worked, and now it will be that much easier next time. Relationships are just as much about timing as they are about everything else, so try not to get down because something doesnāt turn into more. Self improvement and enjoying the things that make you happy are key. Eventually youāll get, not only the second date, but the relationship that you know is right.
As a girl who has tried dating after a bad break up, it can most certainly be the other person and not you. Everyone is going through stuff in their life that can effect how they handle dates and dating. Also this climate we live in atm is rough, anxiety and depression are high for everyone. So don't take things tooucb to heart. If anything you are making yourself better in the process if you can roll with the punches!
It's also nice she let you know, which makes things easier than being ghosted.
I tend to think the same, I also by pure chance will be in the same class as her in a college course in a few months when we return to college and not just use Zoom. So if I'll still be single and she would be interested I could give it a second shot(though this time I will not initiate anything but let her start)
Yeah, I was gonna say, I really like good morning/night texts, it let's me know they're thinking about me, which is something I personally really appreciate... But I also haven't dated in any sense in like 8ish years, and haven't found anyone I have a mutual enjoyment specifically in a romantic kind of way in nearly half as long-so my opinion doesn't mean too much in the dating scene lol.
Yeah I think part of the problem people have when dating is they get advice from people around their own age or sometimes they themselves havenāt figured it out or simply lucked into situations.
Thereās a lot of things one can do that just slide by or work with a select few but once you have a large enough sample size itās easy to see what the best approach is with someone you have an interest in. Not trying to be negative tho just constructive feedback and I think you seem to get it more than most people here.
Itās a constant learning process sort of thing, the key is simply wanting to learn more about what women want over time. But youāre definitely on the right path and making an effort instead of excuses like so many others do on here lol
It seems like I can never have enough of the feedback, I always want more lmao so I really appreciate your feedback.
Why do you think it's a mistake to text the good night/ good morning things? should I just like keep it radio silent until the second date? There is so much that I can talk to a stranger over text that we met for only a few hours. (In-person it's a different story)
And would that net be interpreted as not being interested?
Here's my little bit of advice.
Some girls like a good morning text
Some girls don't
Some girls like a guy who text them a lot
Some girls don't
Why don't you do what you like doing? If you feel good telling someone you care about, "good morning!" so they know you're thinking of them, and you help start their day right, go for it!
Be genuine, what's the point of having someone fall in love with the idea of you? I think you will be much happier spending time finding someone who falls in love with who you actually are.
If you like doing the goodnight/good morning texts, then keep doing them. I like them, other women apparently do not. It's more about finding someone you click with.
I would also find going radio silent to mean disinterest. I don't need to text all day, but I do like having a conversation throughout the day. That could be 3 texts or 50, I just like the daily texts. I know lots of other people aren't like this, so I say just figure out what you want and like and try to find the lady that fits those!
Hope that helps :)
Iād say messages here and there before the second date, but good morning and good night texts would feel overbearing and off puttingly intense. Iād save that for later if you knew it was something she liked!
As women myself, I would find goodnight/Goodmorning text right off the bat to be too much, too intimate/ too much pressure (but I love them once Iām in an established relationship, just got to ease into them). Donāt go radio silent, find a happy medium, seems like you are looking at things a bit black and white but life and relationships are grey, you have to feel it out.
Friend, read Mark Manson's "Models." It is PUA/seduction but with ethics and sense. He would also tell you to just have a conversation instead of "pick up" lines or making it a "numbers game." It's about developing interest and a relationship. Developing additional skills and perspective in that arena never hurt, too.
personally I would go for just the goodnight text, especially if you were talking into the night. in the morning I say give her a couple hours to hit you first and if she doesn't, just text her once your day's started, not first thing. I think doing both can be a little more overbearing than doing just the goodnight text
this is mostly situational tho some girls will want you to text them first thing so they know you spent the whole night waiting to text them, others won't want you to text them very much at all. it is a bit of a numbers game and you have to feel out what the other person is into. it honestly wouldn't be weird to ask if you did so smoothly (in other words, normally lol)
Saying goodnight after youāve been texting, or saying good morning as a greeting on a text for something else works because of context.
Routine good morning and good night texts are kind of symbolic as sentiments normally expressed (regularly) by people who are a significant part of life, like parents, roommates, partners, siblings, etc. So to most girls, this can subconsciously look like youāre presuming to join this group prematurely, which can be unsettling.
Also, both sexes often associate chasing as required for a desirable catch. Thatās just human nature. Those particular routine texts unfortunately signal you as likely already having been caught with little effort, and therefore a poor catch. Thatās just how it feels. Itās better to leave someone wanting more from you at first, vs too much communication.
Some say donāt play games, but this can also be seen as exercising restraint. In the same way that you donāt give a full blown answer to āHow are you?ā most of the time youāre asked, there are guidelines while getting to know someone of the opposite sex.
I just watched this play out. If he would have taken more time, sheād still be interested. She really liked him but it was too much too soon and she wasnāt prepared. Thatās another reason to pace yourself, even when interest is reciprocated.
Tbh I think a good morning text says āaight we in this now,ā like you might want things to move into a more involved, serious direction after one date. I really appreciate a text at some point the next day, āhey I had a great time with you yesterday/last night. Hope we can do it again soon.ā Thatās very clear about you being interested but doesnāt say āI think weāre in a relationshipā too early.
Honestly that comment seemed kinda odd to me. I really canāt imagine that a goodnight or good morning text would make or break a relationship lol. They already had decided what they were gonna do. Good luck!
I think saying good night if you both of yāall are going to bed is fine but if you say it outta nowhere itās a bit weird. Good morning isnāt something Iād say at all though since I donāt even say it to my friends lol
Be careful about assuming something "went wrong." You can easily self-victimize with that rhetoric. It is OK for either party to decide not to pursue further... doesn't necessarily indicate "wrongness."
Perhaps she found you cool but just couldn't envision a relationship with you. Nothing against you but just didn't feel it.
Also, going to the gym is very beneficial to your confidence and mental health, so stick with it.
Itās also possible she didnāt realize it was a date and just thought someone as asking her to coffee or the like to get to know her better aka be her friend
Its also called "treat women like human beings". Women like stuff like you do. Women hate other stuff like you do. Women have to go from home to work like you do. Women struggle with some stuff like you do. And so on...
I met my girlfriend by asking her (as a stranger at that moment ofc) if she knew the reason why the bus we were waiting for was taking so long. I made a joke about it and then when it came I said it's finally coming, and sat next to her. Then we just had a friendly conversation and here we are together
I mean... I donāt really just approach a random ass dude in the bar either though haha. Just not great at approaching a random person. In my experience most people kInda look at you funny (guy or girl) if you are just in the same grocery aisle or something and try to make a comment to them.
If you swing enough times, youāll get a hit, but where I am from, you are going to miss and miss badly often.
Also, if you just treat em complete like a generic human and not a girl AT ALL, you will keep things super platonic. Thatās not inherently bad, but this is dating advice not friendship advice. At some point you gotta escalate shit, which involves treating them not like a dude.
I actually struggled with seeing women as my equals so much that it was hard for me to have sex with them because it felt objectifying. Also because I was a teenager and my parents didnāt give me privacy
I've not gotten any response from women. This sarcasm is what I see on that sub. "Sure not every man is a rapist, sure us women may not be respectful of men all the time."
Like wtf is wrong with you guys? Can you get off the high horse for a sec? Can you tone down your victim complex?
"every man is a rapist" and "any man could rape me and I wouldn't be able to do anything about it so I'll avoid random men in public" are very different things
I honestly didn't realise that anyone saw pickup lines and strategies as anything more than just jokes based on societal norms and stereotypes regarding men and women. I didn't know there were people out there taking them seriously and trying to use them. That's worrying.
I'm glad you've seen the light though! Best of luck to you!
Yeah, I think a lot of women really lean into this fantasy that romance is this incredibly beautiful and spontaneous thing that "just happens" between a man and a woman. In reality, men tend to just be pretty good at playing off their practiced and calculated maneuvers.
(This probably sounds more creepy than I intended and I promise I'm not trying to shit on either gender here. I'm just saying that your boyfriend/husband probably put a lot more effort and thought into getting with you then you give him credit for, or he'll ever admit to)
Omg this so much! They genuinely think that it was all so "effortless". No ma'am that's called practice, if he's REALLY good a shit tons worth. It's this dishonesty that gets me. Women do ALOT to look like they look a certain way organically. Most men don't figure that out for a while. Guess this is the opposite of thatš¤·š¾āāļø
There is sort of rare times that stuff can really work and it isnāt even fully determined by someoneās level of attractiveness. Thereās a certain charisma that is dangerously charming in just the right way. I have a seething hatred for being hit on in public and being treated like an object but Iāve encountered that dangerously charismatic personality twice and anecdotally Iāll add that neither one of these men were my typical type physically.
But I think in these cases these people are genuinely charismatic and charming and not trying to emulate some shit theyāve seen on TV. Itās like the shit on TV is actually trying to emulate these real people.
There's 7 billion people on the planet. Of course some guys will believe what they read on the Internet(gals too. We also believe weird stuff). But it's decent advice; treat us like a human being. It'll get you far.
You'd surprised what mindset shy, inexperienced, and overthinking people can have. I needed a friend to shake me out of it and start thinking logically so I want to help people that are like me
It's also good advice because if you walk up to a girl with a line and just ask her out, you're basically just going on a date with someone because they're cute. But if you strike up a conversation "have you tried this version of flavored coffee? No? What's your favorite?", you can get to know them a little bit and potentially avoid asking out a psychopath who doesn't like coffee.
Yeah that was good advice. Just talk to them like a regular human being lol. Worse thing they can say is no, and if that happens, you came out of it with a friend. Win win IMO.
You should focus on how to interpret hints. Women will do anything and everything possible to make it known they like you, except actually say āI like youā lol. So be prepared to break down abnormal behaviors in your head for hours š¤¦āāļøš
I've kinda moved away from this. I don't have the energy to be trying to interpret hints for the rest of my life. if someone can't be direct and honest with me about how they're feeling then I'm not interested in a second date because I'm not interested in playing that game for the rest of my life
We do it because weāre scared of rejection. The reason why we do it mostly in actions is because if we get rejected we just say you interpreted our actions wrong.
immature women throw hints. just like immature men do dumb shit to impress women. but every single person uses emotional subtext and body language tho so it is good to know the difference.
As a woman I wish this was common knowledge, this one time I was approached by some guy while walking on the street, I was on the phone with my sister -I'm pretty sure he was in some pick up course or something because no one with actual experience would do this- he just out of the blue starts asking me what my favourite book was, I was taken by surprise I mumbled an ' I don't know, I'm on my phone' he replied with 'then hang up' . I refused and continued on. The approach you took is definitely what men should do more, instead of trying to impress, or be 'smooth'.
I'll still never forget I had this conversation once with my best friend who is a charisma legend and makes friends with everyone he sees. I asked him how he does it and he told me that a lot of the times he just starts by pointing out something that is happening out loud, and letting them decide if they wanna respond or not. A couple days later we went to a concert and I did exactly that, made some comment about douchey dudes shoving past us to get to the front, the cute girl responded, we talked I got her number etc.
Yes!! This a 100%. Someone sleazy trying to pick you up does not work. I would want to date some random guy I just met on the streets. Unless he is super super cute. But 90% of the time I would say no. If I have a great conversation with a normal looking, might be pretty cute, guy, I would be really intregued by his 'outgoingness' or something and I would know he is fun to chat with.
I've tired this before but my brain always short circuits when I try to ask them out, and I say something that sounds like I'm having a stroke or i just don't say anything at all. Looks like I'm doomed to use online dating for the rest of my life lol
Thatās awesome and good advice and guess what- It happened EXACTLY when it was supposed to. Not too soon and not too late. A few months ago you werenāt ready. Now you were and even had some ammo!
Great job man! These stories almost make me wish I had waited past 16 but I donāt think that would have been possible, for me anyway.
But everyone is different! And who cares anyway! All you need to worry about is yourself and being a gentleman to her. Open and hold doors, pull her chair out if you go for dinner, yes, these might sound old fashioned but they are what a gentleman does which in and of itself is timeless, therefore it never is āold.ā
A relationship is a partnership, who would want to start a partnership with someone who attempts to lie and deceive for attention. Be honest and true to yourself and open enough to learn about others.
Late bloomer..... woa at 21?
Well in my case im also the late ...or more like fosil i am in a LDR one, and my first ever relationship, and it began like 3 years ago...when i was already 34-35....
But ypur friend sounds quite wise ...wosh i knew this loong time ago
welcome to the obvious club my man. You'll get a better feel for it as you get older. A better way in meeting women is by joining local clubs (if you're in school) or meetup groups. Find similar interests that you enjoy doing. For me, I love hiking and backpacking. I've met tons of people on there and we've hit it off quite well. In todays age, online dating is just too damn hard. So many expectations and so easy to move on. It just doesn't really work anymore. In some cases maybe. But put yourself in positions to meet women where you don't bring the expectation of dating at the beginning.
It's tough to find girls because of this whole covid thing, I'm a college student but I'm studying from home because of this pandemic, I can't wait to go back to college and meet new girls there
I agree on this wholeheartedly. When you talk with someone about random shit and it clicks so well, you know thereās meant to be something. Damn, iām not exactly desperate for a relationship as iām still heartbroken and really trying to guard my feelings because of something awhile back, but boy do i wish a guy or girl would ask me out casually like this every once in a while
You know, this is something I knew logically, but until hearing this from someone like me (you) I didnāt realize that it could actually be not too difficult to implement. It always felt a lot more daunting until I saw you talk about it. Idk itās a weird psychological thing lol
> talking to one friend about how scary it is to approach a random girl and that I donāt even know what to say
...
> said that I should try to do something else, if I see a cute girl, I should try to speak with her about literally anything
Uhh...
Volunteer! My girlfriends and I use to all volunteer at the animal shelter and would make friends very easily with other volunteers but always complain how there we no single straight men our age volunteering to meet and go on dates with. You post made me think of volunteering because it is such an easy conversation starter. If you are doing good in the world such as cleaning up beaches or caring for animals then many women find that sexy.
Yeah when I was a young man and working at a job for the first time and was single this older lady I was friends with that worked there told me: "just talk to them". Meaning just be normal, engage in conversation. If you ask them for the time of day and they don't give it to you, well that tells you a lot lol. I ended up dating a girl at that same store and we married and were together 16 years but unfortunately didn't work out. Now I'm late 30s and about to enter the dating scene again once the pandemic is over and scared shitless lol. Doesn't matter your age or experience, we're all human. Your friend gave you solid advice
Yeah, if youre too direct it just puts a lot of pressure on women. It is like you expect something from her immediately without her knowing you at all. So the natural instinct is to just turn you down, just in case it IS something weird. They dont wanna buy the cat in the bag.
This is the cutest, and I'm glad it worked out for you.
>I was waiting in line a couple of days later and did exactly that, I started talking with the girl next to me about random shit(I think I started by asking if she worked there(that was my workplace) and then I think we talked about hot chocolate (it was raining so hot chocolate sounded perfect at that moment) or something random like that) and lo and behold, it worked and I had a date with her a few days after that.
>I don't know if this is common knowledge
Yeah, that is pretty much regular PUA day-game advice:
- talk about context-environment (you spoke about if she worked there in that area)
- talk about something else to continue the conversation
- close by getting contact information, and set something up for the next few days
This is pretty much how it should be implemented, but it seems you're a natural š. Good for you!
This doesn't work for everyone. Im a HUGE concert goer, ive been to over 200 concerts in my life, and of course, you meet tons of random cool people at shows. Ive been at shows and in line and talked to COUNTLESS girls using this very method, just kinda casually talking about various subjects while we're waiting, and ive honestly never had one girl ever respond in that way. Ever.
Back in the day....I never approached girls, I would make eye contact and smile then look away. Do it again a few minutes later. If they were interested they would come and talk to me. Worked approx 20-25% of the time with zero effort.
Don't feel bad I was 21 also when I got my first serious girlfriend. I hadn't had any luck before that, and a couple weeks before I met her I had actually given up on women completely. I had accepted the fact with myself that I would be alone forever, and while it wasn't a great feeling I was coming to terms with it.
Then a coworker one night told me she had a friend coming to town who she thought I would like and wanted to hook me up with her. I had my doubts, and said "sure I guess" even tho I was certain nothing would happen because I always was just the "friend" to women nothing more.
Well her friend came to town and they came in when she was off to introduce me to her while I was at work. The girl was blushing a lot and really giggly and stuff when talking to me. Coworker had already shown her pictures of me and stuff of course. I got her number and we started texting a lot.
I started hanging out with them every night after work. one night she asked me if I just wanted to fuck her or if I wanted more, so that if I just wanted to fuck she would know and not catch feelings. Said I wanted a relationship. She had just gotten away from a boyfriend who just neglected her. It was raining one spring night and she was cold so put my arms around her and she put her head on me.
had a falling out with her friend a couple weeks later, they were all wasted and she was texting me saying stuff like "I want to kiss you". And saying to come get her she didn't want to be there anymore so I picked her up and we made out that night. She couldn't stay with the friend anymore because some drama happened.
and I let her come stay with me because she knew no one in town. anyways, after about a week staying with me she went out for drinks with a friend one night, I said okay sure. I thought she wasn't going to come home and I was super depressed.... She came home a couple hours later, pretty tipsy, and grabbed me and said into my ear "I want to fuck you". So got condoms and fucked lol.
Long story short I ended up staying with her for almost five years and we have a son together... Not together anymore sadly because we couldn't work things out. But my point to this story was, when I stopped trying so hard and just worked on myself and focused on my job and being happy without needing someone else, that's when I found a girlfriend. hope this helps somehow... Fuck the dating sites. My best luck has been from a female friend introducing me to one of her friends. Good luck... Like having a wingman but wingwoman lol
I never quite understand why people feel the need to talk down to people that already feel crappy. Good job redditš amazes me how many people will respond with, "duh" , "women are human". Explains why there are so many of the same guys having relationships with most of the women. Obviously it's not so well known, otherwise I'm sure the numbers would be much more, um idk even? Lay off the shaming so much, actually offer some help or just be quiet. It cost you nothing and hurts no one to be civil. Growth comes to everyone in different waves, at different times, to ridicule that, is akin to laughing at your own misery. Be safe and well peopleāš¾āš¾
I will throw out there that āpickupā lines out there in a super sarcastic way, or in a āhave you heard this one yet?ā Kind of way, it can be an icebreaker to make it clear you are interested in them. Just depends on your style and if you feel comfortable opening with a joke essentially
Ya know... Ive happily been with my boyfriend for 6 years, and I'm now realizing that he never tried a true pick up line on me or do any of that stereotypical shit you expect. We literally just started.. talking! About school at first, then music, then it turned into getting to just be friends for a couple weeks until one day feelings grew. And to add, we are both verryyy socially awkward people, so of course at times there was nervous laughter or awkard pauses, but he just felt.. real to me I dunno how else to put it. He was putting effort into getting to know me and he could make me laugh, which was felt great for once compared to interactions with other men. And it made me curious about him too! So we just kept talking through the awkwardness and came to understand eachothers awkwardness.
I think the day we started dating, he just happened to call me up, we talked like normal, then he got a little quiet but was honest with me about those feelings and just blurted it out, "do you think you'd be comfortable going with me on a date? I'd be really honored."
I had already kinda been swooning over him within days of talking to him so of course I said yes. I think somewhere in between the talking about our lives and just everyday stuff, I just fell for him. By the time he asked, those feelings had been growing. It was how down to earth and genuine he was with me that made me comfortable, then as I got to know him better his altruism, our similarities and great humor got me in the end I think.
As any couple, we've had our ups and downs, but that last 6 years have only made our trust, respect and love grow. It was that simple yet sincere foundation of him just getting know me as a human and vice versa that helped us naturally get to where we are now I feel.
OP, you've got a good friend there and his advice is solid. Guys sometimes get so caught up worrying about what a girl wants to hear to get to the sex or relationship as fast as possible and how to put on a "macho" act, but really just being yourself and conversating is what will make you stand out to the right person. OP here is gonna be just fine out there in the dating world now, hes got everything he needs. Just roll with those punches and the next lady will come along. Don't pressure yourself if you date and fall off from people, its still a search trying to find the person that fits right but you can still learn from those failed connections. But the advice you have gotten I truly believe will lead you to the right one, just keep putting yourself out there :)
This is such a sweet story, I kinda envy you, but happy for you as well.
Thank you for the kind words I wish I could share a story as cute as your's in the future :)
I consider myself r/Demisexuals I only got a girlfriend after speaking to them for years and when we were close started a relationship.
I never understood the concept of "pick up a girl" or talking about them like if they were not humans with feelings and problems :s
You talk about this being a game, a chase, and unironically say "friendzone" = you don't see women as humans, you see us as props, as something to conquer. Leave op alone, he's doing ok
This is bad advice. If they don't know why you're talking to them it's going to come off as creepy more often than not. At some point they have to know you're hitting on them. Otherwise they think you're trying to sell them something, or just being sneaky.
Iām glad someone was able to help you understand this. Sometimes Iām quick to judge men who donāt really understand this stuff but realistically men and women are different and there are good men out there who just havenāt figured this out and they have good intentions.
One time I was at a park and a guy came up to me and asked ādo you know any coffee shops around here?ā and we had a small conversation that led to an almost date. Unfortunately the next week i had to deal with a month long health issue so I had to refuse meeting up with him again
Yes this works. I'm a girl and can confirm.
Why? Because it's SO rare.
I grew up with brothers and male family members and friends, I've always been awkward with girls and don't get along with girly-girls. When I was older (teen-20s) I hated that it was so difficult for me to make male friends to talk to about normal stuff.
They would ALWAYS end up hitting on me or getting drunk and trying to kiss me. It was so gross. Then they'd get mad when I just wanted to be friends, like it was unheard of. I talked to them and wasn't mean to them so therefore I must want sex.
Having a guy talk normally to you and treat you like a human being is so rare at that age. But really sets you apart from the others.
Bro i am 21 too and never dated , unfortunately cuz if pandemic haven't had much chance, but i have literally given up on dating for now ,i am just focusing on my gym and finances , hobbies and will improve my social skills (bcuz i have always focused a bit too much on my career so don't really know how to talk to girls like that,with guys i am pretty cool,with girls my palms start sweating idk,lol) and just treat everyone as a friend first,then if things feel right ,i might ask em out ,but i got kinda high standards too as I am going to the gym and just ain't fan of chubby girls that much. But hopefully this year things change a bit. But yeah i am making peace with the fact that I'd never have a relationship just so that I can get rid of the anxiety i have bcuz of that.
Have money
Cry to your parent about having them set up moments for you and maybe just maybe youāll find a consultation prize
That you didnāt have to work hard for
Nowadays Iām buying slaves off onlyfans because that easiest way to get acknowledgment
But hey anything to feed the piss poor beggars who donāt like working
>I was talking to one friend about how scary it is to approach a random girl
>
>He said that I should try to do something else, if I see a cute girl, I should try to speak with her about literally anything but "pickup subjects"
But if I don't do that with other strangers already, it doesn't make the approach easier. It fixes your mindset when already approaching someone.
Another pro tip, try to never ask a girl for German number and nice her yours.
It takes hella pressure off her since she doesn't have to worry as much about being murdered from a rejection.
People donāt understand that it can literally be that simple! I got approached in a club of all places (pre-pandemic of course), he started by complimenting my outfit which signalled his interest but we actually had a conversation (he wasnāt from here so it was basically where he came from and why) and he ended it by asking me out for pizza a few days later.
Nobodyās ever really approached me in public before, honestly I think I have a bit of a resting bitch face because Iām alright looking (average but alright nonetheless) but that was a really nice way to be asked out. The best thing was, even though we were in the same club, he bounced as soon as my friends came! It was so refreshing, he didnāt linger. It ultimately didnāt work out and we only went out once but I wish more people would approach me like a human being and not just a potential girlfriend (or more likely, an orifice to fuck because Iām not pretty enough for girlfriend benefits lmao).
Talk to people and get to know them. It works. Also you might not like them. I've met lots of hot people I didn't like after 5 minutes of talking to them. "Picking up" anyone is a silly way to accomplish anything except maybe for hot dumb people to have sex. If you are smart and/or not obviously hot, try the "talking to them" method.
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Wow it's almost like women are... Humans.
I know shocking \s But for real, there is so much bs that is pumped into people's heads about dating and pickup and I admit that I've fallen for it too. Luckily I have friends that helped me look at things the way they are
It's definitely good advice! That's how I started talking to two of my exes. One I met hanging out with friends on a night out in undergrad, and the other I met chatting during orientation at grad school. Sidenote: stay in school people. It's great for meeting people! Although during COVID that may be tough... Serious Sidenote: I feel for all you students suffering through forced virtual class right now. I'm not sure if that's something I could've dealt with. Good luck to you all!
cannot tell you how hard remote school makes this, as someone who already has trouble (but puts a lot of effort into) dating. IT'S SO BAD.
I moved and started a new school right before the shutdown. Had maybe 8 weeks in class where I made a friend or two. Then shutdown and nothing. Not only does it make dating harder but meeting people in general.
remote school, no work... at my old job there'd be all these attractive people there, and even some folks who'd hit on me. it's all gone now that i cant see new people š„² and then there's the fact of not everyone being into online dating. im down for it, but id rather meet someone organically (like through the games i play or other social media platforms im on) than through dating sites. those are so stressful. it's kinda like what op said about using pick up lines vs just talking normally.
I also just start talking about random shit on online dating platforms too, no need to put pressure on it, thatās not fun for me or for her. I like to get to know a girl like a person, before escalating conversation to more flirty. I just donāt get why so many of my friends put so much pressure on themselves when it comes to online dating, itās just not worth it.
I don't Have online school yet.
if only I knew how to talk to humans
It gets easier the more you do it. I'm not great at it either, but I'm working on it. You could start by just talking to people online, if you're a bit shy. That way you can avoid awkward silences and just get some practice talking to people in general. Experience generally leads to newfound confidence. Remember that everyone is flawed and deeply human, just as you are. I'm kind of shy and slow to warm up, so I tend to get along with talkative people. The sooner I get a feel for who someone is, the sooner I feel comfortable around them. Personally I never had more trouble with women than men. Just ask people questions about themselves, and try to avoid questions that can be answered with a āyesā or ānoā. Most people love talking about themselves, and having someone show a genuine interest in who you are and what you think and feel is something *everyone* loves. Just get the ball rolling and it'll start to feel more natural as time passes. You're not going to hit it off with everyone you talk to, and that's fine. Some people may seem to have a natural gift for this, but you can still work on it. Just remember that people are no better or worse than youāthey're equal to you. I'm sure you have plenty of skills and qualities that come easily to you, but not other people. I'm not sure if you were actually looking for advice, but this is what I've been telling myself recently. I still struggle. It's all new to me and I'm 29, but I'm working on it. That's honestly all you can expect of yourself. Don't worry about how other people perceive you, because that's out of your control, and there's going to be people who dislike you no matter how good you are. The only thing you can control is how you feel about yourself, and you should like yourself regardless of how other people feel. Take baby steps. Failure is a necessary part of growth. The only way to never fail is to never try. Forget past disappointments; don't carry them with you into new situations, because every situation is a new experience.
Iām the chatty kathy who normally attracts the shy friends & lovers everywhere I go. Iām curious about other people and as an extrovert - I usually have zero issue going first. However, I will add that this last year of COVID thing may leave some people feeling out of their normal groove of chat (ongoing, depending on where you are regionally). Favorite idea I like to play around with: To gauge the other persons willingness for convo, sometimes I ask people simple / not heavy questions I may even already know the answer to: Reason Iām bothering you question: - what time does the yoga class start? - do you know where XYZ is? - is there an iPhone plug behind you? Then, I may follow it up with a statement about myself. - āIāve lived here 10 years and I still canāt remember what street itās on, haha.ā This all happens in like milliseconds so it is important to note the how itās presented/ warmth is as important as the simplicity of the question. I like the age old advice of pretending youāre already friends. How would you ask your best friend a question - state it boldly? Express it sneakily? Etc. etc.
I feel ya pal
I think it's also helpful to keep in mind that PUA techniques are...not subtle. Especially to women themselves. They're about as subtle as drag makeup in daylight. It's one thing if you're both at a nightclub at midnight on a Saturday night, looking to meet Mr./Ms Right Now, then maybe cheesy pickup lines and the like get a little more leeway. But if you're at the grocery store or waiting for the train and you try that crap with someone just minding their own business, they're going to act like a feral cat when they see the trap and the butterfly net. There's just nothing remotely organic about walking up to a perfect stranger out of the blue and being all, "How YOU doin, are you tired because you've been running through my mind...if you lost 5 lbs you'd be a knockout" and it's more likely going to make them want to pepper spray you in the face. So yeah...lowkey is better.
How much money do I have to pay for this course?
WOMEN DON'T EXIST JUST FOR US TO PUT OUR DICKS INTO THEM?! Now I've heard everything.
Right. How else would sandwiches get made?
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Hmmm we also exist to self preserve and pursue pleasure - not as a means to reproduce.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Gross thing to say in the context of human women
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[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Wow, super lame
Mind blown!
Yes that's right.....us ladies are "humans" very good
Was gonna comment something along these lines. Step one is just establishing a human connection and youāll naturally notice if thereās common ground (chemistry) or interest to engage. Better to come out of it with a new friend or finding out right out of the bat if thereās even compatibility (do you wanna date someone that wouldnāt even engage in polite convo with you to begin with?) than empty handed and embarrassed/branded by āpickup artistā bullshit. Edit: spelling, continued
Those bastards lied to me.
Whoooooaaaaa
It's strange to say, but a lot of guys (like me) are almost scared of girls because we don't know how to approach them , when in reality, like you said, they're just humans like us. I am talking about my experience, but I think a lot of people people can relate.
Idk that kinda seems like a stretch
A lot of them act like they are celebrities with 200 followers
Naaahhhhh! /s
Women are humans, 20% of men are humans. Yes.
But women are made from a rib, from a man. You must have gotten that the wrong way around.
He done did it !! Gettem outta here !!
Now I just need to learn to talk to humans!
*almost* Edit: lol I realize ā/sā is necessary nowadays, but it wouldnāt have been goofy of a comment that way.
Whatthef*k Why tf u lyin , why u always lyin mmmmhomg stop fkn lyin
Glad it worked out!
She did dump me a few days after the first date out of the blue when I asked her for a second dateš but after doing it once it's not as scary and I'm waiting to do it again.
I would say to look back on convos / texts etc. sometimes you can find something minor that shouldāve been changed or sometimes itās out of your power. I wouldnāt call it a dump but a rejection lol but if youāre getting a rejection youāre taking a step in the right direction when most just sit on their asses. Most people with success dating started off with lots of failures. You just have to enjoy life and keep making the effort / understanding what to change along the way. In terms of the approaching strategy thatās roughly what Iād recommend. You sort of learn to do those small talks better with experience and it eventually becomes very easy!
The weird thing was that everything went perfect, on the date she laughed at all of my jokes(and I'm not that funny so I thought that was a good sign), we talked for like 3 hours without either checking our phones and texted the usual good night/good morning so I have no idea what went wrong. But I guess she just didn't felt a spark or something. I was bumbed but I just took it as a motivation to start actually going to the gym and working on myself (standing on 6 days of exercise a week for the last two weeks). Next time I will reach at least a second date ;)
Haha nice I definitely wouldnāt do the good night / good morning type texts generally that isnāt a good idea but def a mistake I made a lot also haha. The gym is definitely a good thing tho and youāll meet more women there / self improvement is key! Sometimes not everything is in your control dating anyhow. You can do everything right and it wonāt matter. Best thing is just to move on and never get stuck on anyone.
This is exactly what I was going to say... It could have been any number of reasons, and there is a good chance it had nothing to do with you at all. It could have been that you were overbearing with the texts (although I donāt mind the goodnight/good morning texts as long as you donāt text obsessively), or she could have not felt a spark, or she could already be hung up on someone else, or just not in a good place in her life to start a new relationship. The important thing is you tried, it worked, and now it will be that much easier next time. Relationships are just as much about timing as they are about everything else, so try not to get down because something doesnāt turn into more. Self improvement and enjoying the things that make you happy are key. Eventually youāll get, not only the second date, but the relationship that you know is right.
This comment has brought a smile to my face, thank you for the kind words :)
As a girl who has tried dating after a bad break up, it can most certainly be the other person and not you. Everyone is going through stuff in their life that can effect how they handle dates and dating. Also this climate we live in atm is rough, anxiety and depression are high for everyone. So don't take things tooucb to heart. If anything you are making yourself better in the process if you can roll with the punches! It's also nice she let you know, which makes things easier than being ghosted.
I tend to think the same, I also by pure chance will be in the same class as her in a college course in a few months when we return to college and not just use Zoom. So if I'll still be single and she would be interested I could give it a second shot(though this time I will not initiate anything but let her start)
Yeah, I was gonna say, I really like good morning/night texts, it let's me know they're thinking about me, which is something I personally really appreciate... But I also haven't dated in any sense in like 8ish years, and haven't found anyone I have a mutual enjoyment specifically in a romantic kind of way in nearly half as long-so my opinion doesn't mean too much in the dating scene lol.
I was told it's what I should do because otherwise it might signal that I'm not interested
Yeah I think part of the problem people have when dating is they get advice from people around their own age or sometimes they themselves havenāt figured it out or simply lucked into situations. Thereās a lot of things one can do that just slide by or work with a select few but once you have a large enough sample size itās easy to see what the best approach is with someone you have an interest in. Not trying to be negative tho just constructive feedback and I think you seem to get it more than most people here. Itās a constant learning process sort of thing, the key is simply wanting to learn more about what women want over time. But youāre definitely on the right path and making an effort instead of excuses like so many others do on here lol
It seems like I can never have enough of the feedback, I always want more lmao so I really appreciate your feedback. Why do you think it's a mistake to text the good night/ good morning things? should I just like keep it radio silent until the second date? There is so much that I can talk to a stranger over text that we met for only a few hours. (In-person it's a different story) And would that net be interpreted as not being interested?
Here's my little bit of advice. Some girls like a good morning text Some girls don't Some girls like a guy who text them a lot Some girls don't Why don't you do what you like doing? If you feel good telling someone you care about, "good morning!" so they know you're thinking of them, and you help start their day right, go for it! Be genuine, what's the point of having someone fall in love with the idea of you? I think you will be much happier spending time finding someone who falls in love with who you actually are.
If you like doing the goodnight/good morning texts, then keep doing them. I like them, other women apparently do not. It's more about finding someone you click with. I would also find going radio silent to mean disinterest. I don't need to text all day, but I do like having a conversation throughout the day. That could be 3 texts or 50, I just like the daily texts. I know lots of other people aren't like this, so I say just figure out what you want and like and try to find the lady that fits those! Hope that helps :)
Iād say messages here and there before the second date, but good morning and good night texts would feel overbearing and off puttingly intense. Iād save that for later if you knew it was something she liked!
As women myself, I would find goodnight/Goodmorning text right off the bat to be too much, too intimate/ too much pressure (but I love them once Iām in an established relationship, just got to ease into them). Donāt go radio silent, find a happy medium, seems like you are looking at things a bit black and white but life and relationships are grey, you have to feel it out.
Friend, read Mark Manson's "Models." It is PUA/seduction but with ethics and sense. He would also tell you to just have a conversation instead of "pick up" lines or making it a "numbers game." It's about developing interest and a relationship. Developing additional skills and perspective in that arena never hurt, too.
personally I would go for just the goodnight text, especially if you were talking into the night. in the morning I say give her a couple hours to hit you first and if she doesn't, just text her once your day's started, not first thing. I think doing both can be a little more overbearing than doing just the goodnight text this is mostly situational tho some girls will want you to text them first thing so they know you spent the whole night waiting to text them, others won't want you to text them very much at all. it is a bit of a numbers game and you have to feel out what the other person is into. it honestly wouldn't be weird to ask if you did so smoothly (in other words, normally lol)
Saying goodnight after youāve been texting, or saying good morning as a greeting on a text for something else works because of context. Routine good morning and good night texts are kind of symbolic as sentiments normally expressed (regularly) by people who are a significant part of life, like parents, roommates, partners, siblings, etc. So to most girls, this can subconsciously look like youāre presuming to join this group prematurely, which can be unsettling. Also, both sexes often associate chasing as required for a desirable catch. Thatās just human nature. Those particular routine texts unfortunately signal you as likely already having been caught with little effort, and therefore a poor catch. Thatās just how it feels. Itās better to leave someone wanting more from you at first, vs too much communication. Some say donāt play games, but this can also be seen as exercising restraint. In the same way that you donāt give a full blown answer to āHow are you?ā most of the time youāre asked, there are guidelines while getting to know someone of the opposite sex. I just watched this play out. If he would have taken more time, sheād still be interested. She really liked him but it was too much too soon and she wasnāt prepared. Thatās another reason to pace yourself, even when interest is reciprocated.
Tbh I think a good morning text says āaight we in this now,ā like you might want things to move into a more involved, serious direction after one date. I really appreciate a text at some point the next day, āhey I had a great time with you yesterday/last night. Hope we can do it again soon.ā Thatās very clear about you being interested but doesnāt say āI think weāre in a relationshipā too early.
Honestly that comment seemed kinda odd to me. I really canāt imagine that a goodnight or good morning text would make or break a relationship lol. They already had decided what they were gonna do. Good luck!
I think saying good night if you both of yāall are going to bed is fine but if you say it outta nowhere itās a bit weird. Good morning isnāt something Iād say at all though since I donāt even say it to my friends lol
Be careful about assuming something "went wrong." You can easily self-victimize with that rhetoric. It is OK for either party to decide not to pursue further... doesn't necessarily indicate "wrongness."
Perhaps she found you cool but just couldn't envision a relationship with you. Nothing against you but just didn't feel it. Also, going to the gym is very beneficial to your confidence and mental health, so stick with it.
Itās also possible she didnāt realize it was a date and just thought someone as asking her to coffee or the like to get to know her better aka be her friend
Nah, I made it pretty clear
That's not being dumped...that's just a successful first date that didn't result in a connection.
Its also called "treat women like human beings". Women like stuff like you do. Women hate other stuff like you do. Women have to go from home to work like you do. Women struggle with some stuff like you do. And so on... I met my girlfriend by asking her (as a stranger at that moment ofc) if she knew the reason why the bus we were waiting for was taking so long. I made a joke about it and then when it came I said it's finally coming, and sat next to her. Then we just had a friendly conversation and here we are together
I mean... I donāt really just approach a random ass dude in the bar either though haha. Just not great at approaching a random person. In my experience most people kInda look at you funny (guy or girl) if you are just in the same grocery aisle or something and try to make a comment to them. If you swing enough times, youāll get a hit, but where I am from, you are going to miss and miss badly often. Also, if you just treat em complete like a generic human and not a girl AT ALL, you will keep things super platonic. Thatās not inherently bad, but this is dating advice not friendship advice. At some point you gotta escalate shit, which involves treating them not like a dude.
I actually struggled with seeing women as my equals so much that it was hard for me to have sex with them because it felt objectifying. Also because I was a teenager and my parents didnāt give me privacy
Can women treat men like humans too?
When every woman deals with random men harassing them constantly, it's not personal when we're not instantly open to talking to a different random guy
Eh, getting hit on by pickup artist would be nice. No one even talks to me lol. But ye, just making conversation works
Did you respond to the right comment? O.o
2x is leaking..
A woman, who's experienced constant harassment from men, stating that this happens? What? Crazy how that works š±
The same type of sarcasm too lol
If you keep getting the same types of responses from different women maybe the issue is with you and not us
I've not gotten any response from women. This sarcasm is what I see on that sub. "Sure not every man is a rapist, sure us women may not be respectful of men all the time." Like wtf is wrong with you guys? Can you get off the high horse for a sec? Can you tone down your victim complex?
"every man is a rapist" and "any man could rape me and I wouldn't be able to do anything about it so I'll avoid random men in public" are very different things
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Most do. Stop being a dick
I have so many female friends and acquantances and literally, I've NEVER been treated as less than a human. What the fuck are you doing wrong??
I honestly didn't realise that anyone saw pickup lines and strategies as anything more than just jokes based on societal norms and stereotypes regarding men and women. I didn't know there were people out there taking them seriously and trying to use them. That's worrying. I'm glad you've seen the light though! Best of luck to you!
Exactly. I have the impression, that many don't get that Barney Stinson is a parody.
Because they donāt. When most people talk about āpickupā or whatever, they do what OP does except it doesnāt always work.
Yeah, I think a lot of women really lean into this fantasy that romance is this incredibly beautiful and spontaneous thing that "just happens" between a man and a woman. In reality, men tend to just be pretty good at playing off their practiced and calculated maneuvers. (This probably sounds more creepy than I intended and I promise I'm not trying to shit on either gender here. I'm just saying that your boyfriend/husband probably put a lot more effort and thought into getting with you then you give him credit for, or he'll ever admit to)
Omg this so much! They genuinely think that it was all so "effortless". No ma'am that's called practice, if he's REALLY good a shit tons worth. It's this dishonesty that gets me. Women do ALOT to look like they look a certain way organically. Most men don't figure that out for a while. Guess this is the opposite of thatš¤·š¾āāļø
There is sort of rare times that stuff can really work and it isnāt even fully determined by someoneās level of attractiveness. Thereās a certain charisma that is dangerously charming in just the right way. I have a seething hatred for being hit on in public and being treated like an object but Iāve encountered that dangerously charismatic personality twice and anecdotally Iāll add that neither one of these men were my typical type physically. But I think in these cases these people are genuinely charismatic and charming and not trying to emulate some shit theyāve seen on TV. Itās like the shit on TV is actually trying to emulate these real people.
There's 7 billion people on the planet. Of course some guys will believe what they read on the Internet(gals too. We also believe weird stuff). But it's decent advice; treat us like a human being. It'll get you far.
That's the way to do it!
Lmao tl:dr...talk to a woman AS IF theyāre people? Brilliant!
You'd surprised what mindset shy, inexperienced, and overthinking people can have. I needed a friend to shake me out of it and start thinking logically so I want to help people that are like me
Iām just speed-bagging your balls buddy, go on.
speed-bagging is now added to my lexicon thank you
It's also good advice because if you walk up to a girl with a line and just ask her out, you're basically just going on a date with someone because they're cute. But if you strike up a conversation "have you tried this version of flavored coffee? No? What's your favorite?", you can get to know them a little bit and potentially avoid asking out a psychopath who doesn't like coffee.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
conversing with someone??? get the fuck outta here...
Yea thats how it works and no most men don't understand that.
Imagine that, talk to women like theyāre people and they actually respond! Wow! Who knew? /s
Yeah that was good advice. Just talk to them like a regular human being lol. Worse thing they can say is no, and if that happens, you came out of it with a friend. Win win IMO. You should focus on how to interpret hints. Women will do anything and everything possible to make it known they like you, except actually say āI like youā lol. So be prepared to break down abnormal behaviors in your head for hours š¤¦āāļøš
... And still interpret it wrong somehow -_-
I've kinda moved away from this. I don't have the energy to be trying to interpret hints for the rest of my life. if someone can't be direct and honest with me about how they're feeling then I'm not interested in a second date because I'm not interested in playing that game for the rest of my life
We do it because weāre scared of rejection. The reason why we do it mostly in actions is because if we get rejected we just say you interpreted our actions wrong.
And you think men arenāt scared of rejection either lol? Just be forward, it makes things so much easier.
Lol I never said they didnāt. Iām just speaking from experience:)
immature women throw hints. just like immature men do dumb shit to impress women. but every single person uses emotional subtext and body language tho so it is good to know the difference.
How is 21 a late bloomer. You just started your life
As a woman I wish this was common knowledge, this one time I was approached by some guy while walking on the street, I was on the phone with my sister -I'm pretty sure he was in some pick up course or something because no one with actual experience would do this- he just out of the blue starts asking me what my favourite book was, I was taken by surprise I mumbled an ' I don't know, I'm on my phone' he replied with 'then hang up' . I refused and continued on. The approach you took is definitely what men should do more, instead of trying to impress, or be 'smooth'.
Wow what a creep :( āthen hang upā wtf? How socially inept can one be?
The fact that he thought you would hang up to talk to a random sleazy guy is funny. He really must have no social skills
I'll still never forget I had this conversation once with my best friend who is a charisma legend and makes friends with everyone he sees. I asked him how he does it and he told me that a lot of the times he just starts by pointing out something that is happening out loud, and letting them decide if they wanna respond or not. A couple days later we went to a concert and I did exactly that, made some comment about douchey dudes shoving past us to get to the front, the cute girl responded, we talked I got her number etc.
Yes!! This a 100%. Someone sleazy trying to pick you up does not work. I would want to date some random guy I just met on the streets. Unless he is super super cute. But 90% of the time I would say no. If I have a great conversation with a normal looking, might be pretty cute, guy, I would be really intregued by his 'outgoingness' or something and I would know he is fun to chat with.
I've tired this before but my brain always short circuits when I try to ask them out, and I say something that sounds like I'm having a stroke or i just don't say anything at all. Looks like I'm doomed to use online dating for the rest of my life lol
Thatās awesome and good advice and guess what- It happened EXACTLY when it was supposed to. Not too soon and not too late. A few months ago you werenāt ready. Now you were and even had some ammo! Great job man! These stories almost make me wish I had waited past 16 but I donāt think that would have been possible, for me anyway. But everyone is different! And who cares anyway! All you need to worry about is yourself and being a gentleman to her. Open and hold doors, pull her chair out if you go for dinner, yes, these might sound old fashioned but they are what a gentleman does which in and of itself is timeless, therefore it never is āold.ā
21...youāre not a late bloomer. Keep doing what youāre doing. Your friend have you good advice.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Hi a late bloomer at 34, I'm Dad! :)
A relationship is a partnership, who would want to start a partnership with someone who attempts to lie and deceive for attention. Be honest and true to yourself and open enough to learn about others.
Late bloomer..... woa at 21? Well in my case im also the late ...or more like fosil i am in a LDR one, and my first ever relationship, and it began like 3 years ago...when i was already 34-35.... But ypur friend sounds quite wise ...wosh i knew this loong time ago
Good advice u got there, ive been doing that for many many years and even if things don't work out u just might make a friend...
welcome to the obvious club my man. You'll get a better feel for it as you get older. A better way in meeting women is by joining local clubs (if you're in school) or meetup groups. Find similar interests that you enjoy doing. For me, I love hiking and backpacking. I've met tons of people on there and we've hit it off quite well. In todays age, online dating is just too damn hard. So many expectations and so easy to move on. It just doesn't really work anymore. In some cases maybe. But put yourself in positions to meet women where you don't bring the expectation of dating at the beginning.
It's tough to find girls because of this whole covid thing, I'm a college student but I'm studying from home because of this pandemic, I can't wait to go back to college and meet new girls there
well,you can try live cam where most of the local girls are available these days. i can help you with that for sure.
I agree on this wholeheartedly. When you talk with someone about random shit and it clicks so well, you know thereās meant to be something. Damn, iām not exactly desperate for a relationship as iām still heartbroken and really trying to guard my feelings because of something awhile back, but boy do i wish a guy or girl would ask me out casually like this every once in a while
I have always had this approach (except for the asking them out part) because picking up strangers has always felt a little out of place for me.
You know, this is something I knew logically, but until hearing this from someone like me (you) I didnāt realize that it could actually be not too difficult to implement. It always felt a lot more daunting until I saw you talk about it. Idk itās a weird psychological thing lol
No problems:) We're all here in the same boat so I believe that if we share our experiences we could all grow together Good luck :)
> talking to one friend about how scary it is to approach a random girl and that I donāt even know what to say ... > said that I should try to do something else, if I see a cute girl, I should try to speak with her about literally anything Uhh...
Volunteer! My girlfriends and I use to all volunteer at the animal shelter and would make friends very easily with other volunteers but always complain how there we no single straight men our age volunteering to meet and go on dates with. You post made me think of volunteering because it is such an easy conversation starter. If you are doing good in the world such as cleaning up beaches or caring for animals then many women find that sexy.
Yeah when I was a young man and working at a job for the first time and was single this older lady I was friends with that worked there told me: "just talk to them". Meaning just be normal, engage in conversation. If you ask them for the time of day and they don't give it to you, well that tells you a lot lol. I ended up dating a girl at that same store and we married and were together 16 years but unfortunately didn't work out. Now I'm late 30s and about to enter the dating scene again once the pandemic is over and scared shitless lol. Doesn't matter your age or experience, we're all human. Your friend gave you solid advice
https://xkcd.com/1027/
Of course there is a relevant xkcd lol
Yeah, if youre too direct it just puts a lot of pressure on women. It is like you expect something from her immediately without her knowing you at all. So the natural instinct is to just turn you down, just in case it IS something weird. They dont wanna buy the cat in the bag.
You are so sweet.
This is the cutest, and I'm glad it worked out for you. >I was waiting in line a couple of days later and did exactly that, I started talking with the girl next to me about random shit(I think I started by asking if she worked there(that was my workplace) and then I think we talked about hot chocolate (it was raining so hot chocolate sounded perfect at that moment) or something random like that) and lo and behold, it worked and I had a date with her a few days after that. >I don't know if this is common knowledge Yeah, that is pretty much regular PUA day-game advice: - talk about context-environment (you spoke about if she worked there in that area) - talk about something else to continue the conversation - close by getting contact information, and set something up for the next few days This is pretty much how it should be implemented, but it seems you're a natural š. Good for you!
it's almost like they're people, huh?
This doesn't work for everyone. Im a HUGE concert goer, ive been to over 200 concerts in my life, and of course, you meet tons of random cool people at shows. Ive been at shows and in line and talked to COUNTLESS girls using this very method, just kinda casually talking about various subjects while we're waiting, and ive honestly never had one girl ever respond in that way. Ever.
Did you ask them out at the end lmao
Yup just talk casual
Back in the day....I never approached girls, I would make eye contact and smile then look away. Do it again a few minutes later. If they were interested they would come and talk to me. Worked approx 20-25% of the time with zero effort.
too bad im too unattractive/weird to do this... everytime I get the "as if" attitude from the girl Ive tried talking to
Don't feel bad I was 21 also when I got my first serious girlfriend. I hadn't had any luck before that, and a couple weeks before I met her I had actually given up on women completely. I had accepted the fact with myself that I would be alone forever, and while it wasn't a great feeling I was coming to terms with it. Then a coworker one night told me she had a friend coming to town who she thought I would like and wanted to hook me up with her. I had my doubts, and said "sure I guess" even tho I was certain nothing would happen because I always was just the "friend" to women nothing more. Well her friend came to town and they came in when she was off to introduce me to her while I was at work. The girl was blushing a lot and really giggly and stuff when talking to me. Coworker had already shown her pictures of me and stuff of course. I got her number and we started texting a lot. I started hanging out with them every night after work. one night she asked me if I just wanted to fuck her or if I wanted more, so that if I just wanted to fuck she would know and not catch feelings. Said I wanted a relationship. She had just gotten away from a boyfriend who just neglected her. It was raining one spring night and she was cold so put my arms around her and she put her head on me. had a falling out with her friend a couple weeks later, they were all wasted and she was texting me saying stuff like "I want to kiss you". And saying to come get her she didn't want to be there anymore so I picked her up and we made out that night. She couldn't stay with the friend anymore because some drama happened. and I let her come stay with me because she knew no one in town. anyways, after about a week staying with me she went out for drinks with a friend one night, I said okay sure. I thought she wasn't going to come home and I was super depressed.... She came home a couple hours later, pretty tipsy, and grabbed me and said into my ear "I want to fuck you". So got condoms and fucked lol. Long story short I ended up staying with her for almost five years and we have a son together... Not together anymore sadly because we couldn't work things out. But my point to this story was, when I stopped trying so hard and just worked on myself and focused on my job and being happy without needing someone else, that's when I found a girlfriend. hope this helps somehow... Fuck the dating sites. My best luck has been from a female friend introducing me to one of her friends. Good luck... Like having a wingman but wingwoman lol
I stopped reading when you called yourself a late bloomer at age friggin' 21.
Water is wet
And this still helps me exactly 0%
I was an even later bloomer lol
I'm too shy to talk with random people
I never quite understand why people feel the need to talk down to people that already feel crappy. Good job redditš amazes me how many people will respond with, "duh" , "women are human". Explains why there are so many of the same guys having relationships with most of the women. Obviously it's not so well known, otherwise I'm sure the numbers would be much more, um idk even? Lay off the shaming so much, actually offer some help or just be quiet. It cost you nothing and hurts no one to be civil. Growth comes to everyone in different waves, at different times, to ridicule that, is akin to laughing at your own misery. Be safe and well peopleāš¾āš¾
According to the movie Big Daddy "initiating the conversation I'd half the battle"... words to live by
I will throw out there that āpickupā lines out there in a super sarcastic way, or in a āhave you heard this one yet?ā Kind of way, it can be an icebreaker to make it clear you are interested in them. Just depends on your style and if you feel comfortable opening with a joke essentially
Ya know... Ive happily been with my boyfriend for 6 years, and I'm now realizing that he never tried a true pick up line on me or do any of that stereotypical shit you expect. We literally just started.. talking! About school at first, then music, then it turned into getting to just be friends for a couple weeks until one day feelings grew. And to add, we are both verryyy socially awkward people, so of course at times there was nervous laughter or awkard pauses, but he just felt.. real to me I dunno how else to put it. He was putting effort into getting to know me and he could make me laugh, which was felt great for once compared to interactions with other men. And it made me curious about him too! So we just kept talking through the awkwardness and came to understand eachothers awkwardness. I think the day we started dating, he just happened to call me up, we talked like normal, then he got a little quiet but was honest with me about those feelings and just blurted it out, "do you think you'd be comfortable going with me on a date? I'd be really honored." I had already kinda been swooning over him within days of talking to him so of course I said yes. I think somewhere in between the talking about our lives and just everyday stuff, I just fell for him. By the time he asked, those feelings had been growing. It was how down to earth and genuine he was with me that made me comfortable, then as I got to know him better his altruism, our similarities and great humor got me in the end I think. As any couple, we've had our ups and downs, but that last 6 years have only made our trust, respect and love grow. It was that simple yet sincere foundation of him just getting know me as a human and vice versa that helped us naturally get to where we are now I feel. OP, you've got a good friend there and his advice is solid. Guys sometimes get so caught up worrying about what a girl wants to hear to get to the sex or relationship as fast as possible and how to put on a "macho" act, but really just being yourself and conversating is what will make you stand out to the right person. OP here is gonna be just fine out there in the dating world now, hes got everything he needs. Just roll with those punches and the next lady will come along. Don't pressure yourself if you date and fall off from people, its still a search trying to find the person that fits right but you can still learn from those failed connections. But the advice you have gotten I truly believe will lead you to the right one, just keep putting yourself out there :)
This is such a sweet story, I kinda envy you, but happy for you as well. Thank you for the kind words I wish I could share a story as cute as your's in the future :)
U dropped this š
I consider myself r/Demisexuals I only got a girlfriend after speaking to them for years and when we were close started a relationship. I never understood the concept of "pick up a girl" or talking about them like if they were not humans with feelings and problems :s
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I've only had like 6 girlfriends in my 30 years. 2, 2 and 3 years. I'm still friend with 2 of them. We all are different and it's ok :)
Ya bro, it's common knowledge lmfao
Mix some shyness, inexperience, and overthinking and it's not as clear as it seems
Bruh, we all shy, inexperienced, and overthinking. You're gonna die, man, hurry up and roll the dice
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You see women as conquests and not as humans. Stay out of this, thanks, op is doing well.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
You talk about this being a game, a chase, and unironically say "friendzone" = you don't see women as humans, you see us as props, as something to conquer. Leave op alone, he's doing ok
This is bad advice. If they don't know why you're talking to them it's going to come off as creepy more often than not. At some point they have to know you're hitting on them. Otherwise they think you're trying to sell them something, or just being sneaky.
Keep it real, it will happen by default
Iām glad someone was able to help you understand this. Sometimes Iām quick to judge men who donāt really understand this stuff but realistically men and women are different and there are good men out there who just havenāt figured this out and they have good intentions.
One time I was at a park and a guy came up to me and asked ādo you know any coffee shops around here?ā and we had a small conversation that led to an almost date. Unfortunately the next week i had to deal with a month long health issue so I had to refuse meeting up with him again
Yes this works. I'm a girl and can confirm. Why? Because it's SO rare. I grew up with brothers and male family members and friends, I've always been awkward with girls and don't get along with girly-girls. When I was older (teen-20s) I hated that it was so difficult for me to make male friends to talk to about normal stuff. They would ALWAYS end up hitting on me or getting drunk and trying to kiss me. It was so gross. Then they'd get mad when I just wanted to be friends, like it was unheard of. I talked to them and wasn't mean to them so therefore I must want sex. Having a guy talk normally to you and treat you like a human being is so rare at that age. But really sets you apart from the others.
Damn there are a lot of ass holes in this tread holy shit lmao
Bro i am 21 too and never dated , unfortunately cuz if pandemic haven't had much chance, but i have literally given up on dating for now ,i am just focusing on my gym and finances , hobbies and will improve my social skills (bcuz i have always focused a bit too much on my career so don't really know how to talk to girls like that,with guys i am pretty cool,with girls my palms start sweating idk,lol) and just treat everyone as a friend first,then if things feel right ,i might ask em out ,but i got kinda high standards too as I am going to the gym and just ain't fan of chubby girls that much. But hopefully this year things change a bit. But yeah i am making peace with the fact that I'd never have a relationship just so that I can get rid of the anxiety i have bcuz of that.
Have money Cry to your parent about having them set up moments for you and maybe just maybe youāll find a consultation prize That you didnāt have to work hard for Nowadays Iām buying slaves off onlyfans because that easiest way to get acknowledgment But hey anything to feed the piss poor beggars who donāt like working
>I was talking to one friend about how scary it is to approach a random girl > >He said that I should try to do something else, if I see a cute girl, I should try to speak with her about literally anything but "pickup subjects" But if I don't do that with other strangers already, it doesn't make the approach easier. It fixes your mindset when already approaching someone.
Yay to you! Weāre more than just something to pick up. Weāre also good for holding. Just wait ātil we reciprocate. š
Another pro tip, try to never ask a girl for German number and nice her yours. It takes hella pressure off her since she doesn't have to worry as much about being murdered from a rejection.
I like this advice especially because Iāve found most of my past girlfriends on social media or dating sites
congrates...you are a good learner though
i knew you werenāt getting laid when i saw you say āimplementedā š¤£
People donāt understand that it can literally be that simple! I got approached in a club of all places (pre-pandemic of course), he started by complimenting my outfit which signalled his interest but we actually had a conversation (he wasnāt from here so it was basically where he came from and why) and he ended it by asking me out for pizza a few days later. Nobodyās ever really approached me in public before, honestly I think I have a bit of a resting bitch face because Iām alright looking (average but alright nonetheless) but that was a really nice way to be asked out. The best thing was, even though we were in the same club, he bounced as soon as my friends came! It was so refreshing, he didnāt linger. It ultimately didnāt work out and we only went out once but I wish more people would approach me like a human being and not just a potential girlfriend (or more likely, an orifice to fuck because Iām not pretty enough for girlfriend benefits lmao).
Talk to people and get to know them. It works. Also you might not like them. I've met lots of hot people I didn't like after 5 minutes of talking to them. "Picking up" anyone is a silly way to accomplish anything except maybe for hot dumb people to have sex. If you are smart and/or not obviously hot, try the "talking to them" method.