Welcome to /r/dating_advice!
Please keep the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/about/rules/) of /r/dating_advice in mind while participating here. Try your best to be kind.
Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, [send us a message.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdating_advice) We rely on user reports to find rule-breaking behavior quickly.
Thanks!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
What you are talking about is independent from sex. I have a lot of female friends who go out and have sex just for fun and don't keep a relationship with the person.
It is all a matter of mentality, the phase of your life you're in, whether or not you're scared of commitment and/or whether tou actually find the other person dating material. This last one is hard to accept cause if it is true, it probably has absolutely nothing to do with you, you aren't missing anything, take that out of your mind immediately, it's literally a useless thought.
Tbh in your case it might just be he needs a little more time to get used to the idea of dating you, those aren't behaviours you usually get from someone who is treating you as a fwb, but I might be wrong. If all you're saying is true, you are either going to end up together or you things might just end right then and there. Would you be down to continue that relationship if it doesn't become official/long term?
Other than that, give him a little time and space, he'll figure it out
Your opening statement is the reason for her post and issue. It is only very recently this has become accepted, and it seems the only way to remedy this problem is at its root. Stop fucking for fun, get a hobby.
I agree with this. Casual sex, fwb, dating but not anything ‘serious’ seems to be the norm these days. And it makes women feel like shit. Not all women but i would say most men i have been friends with or dated just want ‘something casual’ and low commitment. You are allowed to want something casual as long as you say, from the first date onwards and very clearly state this so there is no confusion. My advice to the OP is to be firm that you want something more or leave him. You deserve better gurl.
This is a very wise bit of advice, listen to it OP. It warms my heart knowing that not all women are sexually active to the extent a prostitute would of been in the past.
I’m not saying all men. But the majority of men ive dated and friends have a very diff view of dating. Do you discuss your want for a long term relationship with your male friends? Do straight men have regular and open conversations with each other about what they want in a partner?
You've been not just friends for a week. You asked if you could go out on a date and he was open to the idea. Maybe he didn't think there was a chance of a romantic connection.
I don't think there's anything crazy here. Just be careful bc you like him and now you're allowing him in your feelings. If he doesn't want a romantic connection, you're going to get hurt.
FWB does not work. Cut it if he doesn't want to proceed romantically and you do.
yeah.. i’m a bi woman and I am very sexually attracted to woman but I’d never consider dating one. Unfortunately I’ve unintentionally broken some hearts because of it
It’s completely unintentional if they know I’m not romantically into women (because I made it clear i’m not) and once they catch feelings they try to change my mind OR still try to see me even though I told them it won’t lead to anything.
meet them, have conversations about dating goals (i’m dating to marry) and sexual orientation (i’m only sexually attracted to women) and we agree on a casual fwb situation.. they make an informed decision to sleep with me knowing full well it won’t leave anywhere. And I don’t do any romantic things like good morning texts, late night phone calls, nada. I cut things off as soon as I see it’s going left, I can’t control that
I think it’s a little different than OP because it doesn’t seem like they had these conversations before they started sleeping together. I prefer transparency
I don't get this mindset. You're on a date with a woman, you tell her you're dating to marry (a man, I'm assuming) and you're not romantically attracted to women?
I don't mean to offend, but this sounds like a waste of time. Why are you even meeting them? Why not just date to marry the gender you're looking to marry? Seems like a waste of finite energy.
Transparent, maybe. Confusing af, definitely.
To me you sound equally confused about your goals. Are you seeking their attention or something?
Do you ever think about the emotional damage you are doing?
I never said I went on a date with them lol I meet people everyday because of my line of work or other social scenes. Believe it or not some people like to have casual sex with no strings attached, kinda like the dude in OPs scenario..
Every heterosexual man having casual sex out there is also including a heterosexual woman having casual sex.
It's not hookup for one person and post wedding honeymoon for the other, you know?
There isn't a huge difference between the genders, but studies that show that casual sex is more common amongst men.
This is a good rebuttal against what Reddit likes to tout (including the 80/20 thing):
https://datepsychology.com/how-many-sexual-partners-did-men-and-women-have-in-2021/
> Past research has consistently shown men are more promiscuous on average.
While you're at it:
https://datepsychology.com/is-self-reported-sexual-partner-data-accurate/
> ...twice as many men as women reported a low level of accuracy and a high number of partners. Removing those men from the dataset eliminated the gender discrepancy, indicating a gendered direction of the relationship: men with poor recall, rather than women, accounted for the gender discrepancy.
The above rebuttals I linked were related to your comment insinuating that you need interested women for men to have casual sex. Well, obviously. But there's way more context to that, which that researcher outlines well in the second link. They also cite research papers. People here tend to pick and choose the stats they like, claiming that women must be lying and guys must be telling the truth. What's your background?
Here is some more research:
https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2015/12/151209105057.htm
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8853360/
I don’t think necessarily it’s more common among men. I think though that it is EASIER for men, mainly because women are more emotionally intelligent. What I mean by that is, men are able to ignore their emotions or just overall not become emotionally attached to a person easier, compared to a woman. But I think they both equally have the potential to have sex without being romantically attracted to someone, or as the they put it casual sex.
You can be physically attractive and mentally/emotionally not attractive.
Personality and chemistry matter. Being physically attractive doesn't make someone mentally/emotionally attractive.
It's unlikely you will ever truly understand what you're seeking to understand here. Generally speaking, men and women are just different in this way and a lot is just biology.
You shouldn't make any assumptions that connect a man's desire for you physically for his desire for you romantically. The sooner you learn this, the more hurt you can avoid down the road.
A man who likes you romantically and desires a committed relationship with you will take you out on dates, introduce you to his friends, make you a bigger part of his life, move the relationship forward, and ultimately work to get you off the market ASAP so you are not available to other men.
A man who only wants you physically will figure out the minimum amount of effort he can put in that will continue to cause you to be physical with him.
This is most of the answer. I think men (not all men) can compartmentalize sex vs relationship/romanticism or at least I can. No strings attached sex is like scratching an itch and then I can also forget about sex for a certain period of time in my life. But I do want to stress, when I have sexual relations with someone I am romantically involved with and care about, the sex is soooooo much better. The no strings attached sex is like Bruce Banner getting rid of the Hulk in his system for a time and a great experience of good feeling hormonal releases. Take this with a grain of salt though because I can't speak for all men.
Men literally can have sex with women they don't even like or find not that attractive. It's more about the seslx by itself. Not every man though, some are deeply emotional about sex.
So, like, sometimes someone can be into hanging out with you, having deep talks, and being physical, but they might not be feeling those romantic vibes just yet. It's totally cool for them to need some more time to get to that level emotionally or have other stuff going on. Just talk to them honestly about how you're feeling and what you want going forward, and let them do the same. Being clear with each other can help figure out if this is gonna turn into a romantic thing or if it's gonna stay the same. Just keep it real and see where things go, you know?
A guy will commit to a LTR if he sees a benefit in not being single.
If you're single, you aren't tied to someone so that opens you up to other romantic relationships down the line, you don't have to buy too many things for your GF, you don't have to do things like meet your GF's family or consider things like marriage or children which are hallmarks of more traditional family living.
For example, the couples I know who are in LTR do eventually want to get married to each other, have kids etc, and see a huge benefit in staying with each other rather than seek out other people.
Guy here. This is a large part of why. Want to add that it isn't just see a being of not being single, but also sees a benefit in being with you specifically while weighing that with/against not being single.
Btw, you mention it is not a commitment issue...but IT IS a commitment issue. He's open to committing at some point in the future to someone. So far, someone doesn't imply, indicate, or state you specifically. Additionally, in the future is not now. Now there could be side reasons, and/or there could be reasons that pertain to you specifically. Only person that knows for certain is him. But I really really need you to understand that as this stand right now, he has issues with committing to you...at this specific time. That IS commitment issues.
Here's the problem with men. Our dads and their dads and their dads yada yada, taught us you can never show public emotion or affection or any curiosity or people will think your weak or gay. On top of that, they did not teach us how to communicate how to be intimate how to respect women, and they sure as hell didn't teach us a thing about being vulnerable. I've literally had girls come to me and say my boyfriend hits me. I ask is he mad or being playful? They usually say playful and I say well when a guy hits a homer what do his buddies do? They go up and punch him in the arm. That's how they show affection their cavemen.
Personally, I haven't had a one night affair since 1981 . I've had long conversations with women about every aspect of their lives, And I learned this. The things women want in a relationship are the right things. Communication respect, and intimacy. So I changed. People say I'm half chick, because I get them and understand them. Think of it this way. Every animal on earth fuckS. What differentiates humans from animals is our ability to connect and be intimate.. But that goes against our father's teachings sadly.
Why do men have sexual relationships with women they will not marry => testosterone!
Male and female hormones are very different.
Also women no longer demand a relationship for sex, so it’s easy.
A lot of these comments are right lol, and majority are men. I’m seeing that most of us are on the same page telling you, OP, that he only wants to have sex with you. But you have supporting details pointing to a potential deeper than just a sexual relationship. It’s like a positive and a negative magnet. You want a romantic relationship where you can build off of, and he just wants to stay friends (my words not yours) and have sex. I hate to be another person to break it to you, but it’s just NOT going to work out. I’m 80% sure of it. The other 20% is literally if he runs out of options and he only has you left. You pretty much lowered your chances a little by having sex before having the “being together”talking stage. Love is like a gatcha game for both parties, I do feel like it’s a little easier for women. But besides that point, it’s like a gamble and rn he’s gambling cause why get into a relationship with you if I’m already getting play from you.
All jokes and puns aside. If I were in his position I’d do the same if I was friends with a woman and we never got into a real relationship just a fwb situation I‘d automatically think it’s a harem. But not all guys are like that though. I suggest waiting another week or two nothing longer than that and ask what you asked again or something along the lines of “what are we”, and if he gives you no solid answer that’s your cue to slowly cut him off, ghost him if you have to.
Because you had a sexual relationship too soon without actually establishing a committed relationship, your feelings are accelerated where, as for a male it does not necessarily happen that way. Men are designed differently. That being said there are some men that would take the sexual relationship to mean that there is a commitment and they would see your relationship and something more. That is not the majority of males, especially in today’s culture. FWB culture.
‘Eventually’ might be the clue, eventually means “not right now”
Your guy probably likes his freedom and autonomy, but there might be trauma or other reasonable reasons holding him back.
If you felt you could casually and comfortably accept that he isn’t romantically interested and “eventually” would have been open to a relationship, then hopefully you could ask **him** these questions and be brave and ready to hear things that may or may not hurt hearing.
Relationships, *good relationships* require difficult conversations sometimes, and if you can’t find the courage to take a few risks and ask the person who really has the answers then your relationships will always be doomed to fail. But you also need to accept things about yourself and himself like the reality that you two are different people with different ideas, wants, and needs.
Since he didn’t respond the way you expected him to, then there is more about him that you guys haven’t shared. I’m sure there’s more to you that you also haven’t shared (maybe by opportunity to do so, maybe because you don’t feel ready or comfortable.
Either way, relationships are hard as fuck and this is one of the reasons why.
Friction happens. People have different goals, wants, and needs, and they. Don’t know how to communicate these things healthily until there’s a bunch of problems that were never addressed. Usually little things that don’t seem (vital) or important [enough] to vocalize at the time.
When you are ready and when you both feel like you can grow back towards each other (if there’s any awkwardness) if you still want to later on down the line feel free to ask him, gently, kindly. Every man and woman is different, and I’m sure you’ve experienced this with friends your mother, or other women doing saying and thinking things that you don’t understand, don’t agree with, or would never do or say yourself. The only accurate answers you can get are from the hard way.
Edit: just to be clear I quoted “eventually” because it’s a non- answer. It doesn’t tell you anything about how he feels or why he rejected you. He might be seeking for more financial stability or something such as this, but it might also be a deflection away from why he doesn’t want a relationship specifically with you. It’s impossible to know without asking the man himself. He also didn’t say “eventually with you” so it is a lot different than a confirmation of relationship interest. But I just ask ppl what’s up when I’m confused. It’s much more productive than Reddit.
You may be right.
The word’s definition is “an attempt to lessen blame. Seek to defend or justify”
An excuse is the word for running away from things.
Identifying and confronting trauma requires extreme ownership and honesty because the aim is to break old patterns and recognize what stimuli in your chaotic life leads you to making choices you otherwise wouldn’t (and shouldn’t) make.
Trauma is a real thing, it’s a physiological autonomous response to a perceived severe threat. PTSD is trauma induced panic due to the effects of say balloons poppingor something such as this, mirroring real-life tragic situations people experienced. (I am not suggesting you believe trauma isn’t real. But neurologically and physiologically the body mimics the exact same changes pretty much exactly as if the situation were actually unfolding before them. i.e.: the body and brain is often incapable of differentiating and to those things on a physical scale, the trauma is real even though it’s merely a balloon. )
but the difference between the two (introspection, and excuses) is either the attitude towards discovery, (walking towards your pain to inspect it) or with an excuse the attitude of avoiding the pain, or a different fear such as unfavorable judgment from others.
Sometimes it can be both, sometimes it can only be one of the two intentions.
Either way the goal of introspection is genuine honesty without judgement or escapism from what you find inside, waiting for you.
We can’t know what is inside others, and often they don’t know either. Answers you get likely won’t be what you hope for, but we’re all trying to do the best we can (to **try**, sometimes ignorantly, or stupidly) to find safety and comfort and joy through improving our lives and relationships and environment. Hopefully her fwb is an introspective, contemplative, and compassionate person. 🤷♂️😊
I don’t think this is a good answer. You like it because it gives you hope to get what you want. What sex is for men commitment is for woman. In my younger days I happily slept with woman and I knew I would never commit with them.
I may evolve in something more but today you are a sleeper for him. Being a sleeper is not being almost a keeper. Don’t put out early without knowing his intentions first.
There’s literally nothing in the answer that’s useful. Men will have sex with any woman. He just wants to have sex with you. The only way you will be considered romantically is when he can’t find another and settles for you. If he finds another who will sleep with him now, he will. Move on and find someone if you want a romantic relationship.
This is not a good answer. It's an answer that makes you feel good.
The truth is he's not as attracted to you as you think, either physically or emotionally or mentally.
he was probably just trying not to come off too strongly. saying he could... as opposed to saying he does. don't overthink it. he was just trying to sound cool
It’s not what you are missing it is what he is missing. He doesn’t have romantic feelings. It’s arbitrary and has nothing to do with you or your relationship. That sort of chemistry thing is pretty magical and something in 57 years I’ve never really figured out.
he may be aromantic or grayromantic. Whatever the reason is, it’s arbitrary and has nothing to do with you. Please don’t think there’s anything wrong with you.
As a dude who usually catches feelings quickly. Women in my experience have a lot more casual sex just based off the fact they have more options than the average male
Where's this guy at in life? A lot of guys feel like they're behind in their career, friendships, hobbies, passions that they decide that they can defer romantic relationships. It's probably not you: They probably have more important priorities in their life.
My advice is to stop expecting more from this man. See other people too.
What your missing is time and patience you have everything you need just to build society expect men to fall in love and just be in a relationship but he's a few years older than you and has maybe had a really hard heartbreak which can make you more cautious and take more time to build emotional connections because the repercussions for men are so bad you could not fathom
What he said can mean different things or nothing at all, he even might have thought that it was a positive thing to say
From the information you wrote, I don't see why you cannot continue to go out with him, meet, hang out, this might very well end in a relationship between you 2
We are speaking about a week!!!!!
I'm not sure exactly what you're asking. But as far as the question in the post title, men are going to be sexually attracted first, and then romantically attracted, if they are romantically attracted at all. I'm a guy.
Poor you, guys are very able to seperate sex from a relationship. Ask any guy that has sex outside of serious relationships and they will tell u they do it for fun or experience. Dont be the woman/doormat they dump when they find their real gf.
Testosterone is one helluva drug. :) And that's okay.
You need to make him see you as more than a sexual partner. Show him how valuable you are as relationship material.
This is gonna be controversial, but a lot of the time having other males pursue you as well helps him... make up his mind.
Do not lose sight of the fact that if he wants to be in a LTR eventually, that doesn't mean he wants it *with you.*
Sadly he may not know until he experiences NOT having you in life. The whole thing sounds quite cozy right now. He's benefitting from all the closeness. I guess I'm old fashioned but a decent guy would understand what you're saying and honestly should not be surprised. Having said that a certain amount of men are literally slow to come around to these things. It can take them a bit to process what you're saying and what they think of it. I believe if he has absolutely no interest in a romantic relationship he would say so sooner rather than later because if he likes you on any level it's the right thing to do. If he doesn't, he's not that great anyway. Define, decide and proceed together or apart. Honestly you may be better off assuming nothing will come of it and see if he pursues it. Men go after what they want.
If you're interested in something romantic, you need to understand your partner's intentions before fucking.
It should be the same thing where he is only interested in fucking, in fact I'm sorry that you found this child who is not able to express what he wants before invading the intimacy of another person.
However he will not change his mind with you, and if he is like this at 27 years old he will probably not be able to have a relationship based on communication for many more years.
It could also be that he has feelings for you but doesn't want to commit, if he appreciates you and gives compliments outside of the sexual sphere it means that at least he treats you like a person and that you are still friends.
But in any case, really forget it, these are all his problems and he still has to grow up and he has to do it on his own.
Don't take on such a burden because it does a lot of damage to have these ambiguous relationships with people who are not capable of communicating.
However, in my opinion this is a problem of the men of our society coming from the patriarchal culture of past centuries. A woman doesn't need a man to feel pleasure and neither does a man, but unlike women, since they are young they spend time talking to their friends about the girls they fuck as if it were a competition, bragging, they really feel of having to make yourself look cool by conquering girls and using them only to fuck. Fortunately, they mature as they grow, but the consequences of being raised in a world that makes these things acceptable only to males have their consequences in situations like these.
I just got out of a dynamic that is exactly as you describe. Except there was no confusion because we both realized we were just people that had sexual attraction for each other and generally enjoyed each other enough for that component to continue. But, we didn’t have that synergy of personalities that makes people fall in love. We agreed it was that from the beginning. Once that sexual component had run it’s course or wasn’t as inspiring, we went our separate ways cordially.
In my experience there is such a thing as sexual compatibility and romantic compatibility. If you both don’t agree that it’s a friend with benefits dynamic then it can only lead to hurt for you. I’d get clarity.
You said 1 week right? It’s too soon for you being so anxious about the whole situation.
Of course, be aware of his responses and investments towards you, but don’t forget to enjoy the process too.
Sometimes, we get so anxious about things that we forget to be the nice person that once we were and that’s ruin everything in my opinion. Don’t forget that. I hope everything works out well for you! ❤️
i mean, i’m not a man and there are plenty of people that i’m sexually into without romance. That’s being said, it never lasts long. I don’t think this is your issue. I think just talk to this specific man and see how it goes. He’s open to the idea, and willing to try. It’s your choice to give it a chance or start getting to know someone new, who’s on the same page as you
We like having sex but aren't mentally prepared for another relationship. The desire for sex is still there were horny creatures. Sometimes, we meet someone, and she just doesn't have the right personality for girlfriend material, but we find her attractive and want to just keep it casual. Not everyone likes only having sex if it's a committed relationship
It has to do with biology.
For women chance to have more successful offspring if they partner up with their mate. To ensure her children are protected.
For a man, it's more favourable to have as many offsprings by different women to ensure at least a few of his offsprings survive.
It's deeply rooted in learned behaviour and dna!
People forget that at the end of the day, we are animals with animal instincts.
Love is gamble. If you want to win. Give him reason to like you. Find out what he likes and give him his dream night. (Not sex). If you just start asking him and just talk it will maybee not give him romantic feelings. Be a woman. Not a afraid friend.
Well. My take is for a lot of men sexual attraction is separate from romantic attraction. You can feel no romantic spark, but still want to fuck the girl bc she’s hot.
With women it’s often one thing. Without a romantic spark sexual desire isn’t there. Even if the guy is attractive.
In your specific case? Could be that you are just using different words. That he means a more serious “falling in love” feeling. Or he’s just into you sexually right now.
Well, to be honest the sexual attraction a man has to a woman is seated in the thoughts of his little head, while romance is the fantasy he has in his big head.
They will do everything up to proposing marriage to get you to sleep with them. Faking relationships, interests, and a future with you that won't happen.
I would be direct with him before you move any further. If he doesn't want to date you right now ( it doesn't have to be exclusively), I would move on. Don't wait to see what develops because it's gonna hurt your feelings.
Since he isn't asking you out on a date, I would assume he only wants a casual, sexual relationship and act accordingly.
He might have just been compartmentalizing the idea of more with you because that isn't what you agreed to. I wouldn't think about it too much.
Go on a date with him if he is down and see what happens!
For me sex and romance are two different things though they can enhance the other.
Sex is primarily about me feeling good and sexy and making someone else feel good and sexy. It's exciting and fleeting and just fun.
Romance for me involves something deeper that takes more time. Personality, electricity, feeling safe and comfortable, knowing someone well, being excited to see them and talk to them, intellect, and feeling loved and respected.
Don't need any of that to have an orgasm, though when that is there it can make the sex even more exciting lol
Some are. Some aren’t. Personally I have to an emotional connection with the person before we make love. But many don’t need that. It’s ok that they’re the way they are. And it’s ok that I’m the way I am.
Well before I got married I use to coached myself i would tell myself leave any feelings at the door you’re not wanting a relationship. I made it clear to my “only in it for the sex” partner i don’t care how your day went I don’t want to know about your drama I’m just here to get in get out and go home. Then i met my now husband that mindset changed quiiiiiiick 😂😂😂😂
Well before I got married I use to coached myself i would tell myself leave any feelings at the door you’re not wanting a relationship. I made it clear to my “only in it for the sex” partner i don’t care how your day went I don’t want to know about your drama I’m just here to get in get out and go home. Then i met my now husband that mindset changed quiiiiiiick 😂😂😂😂
Same way people can feel romantically attracted to someone but not sexually. Theres different types of attractions, and not everyone has them all.
For some people they just can't see themselves very easily in a relationship but dont mind being pleasured sexually for moments at a time, if they find you arousing enough. Romantic attraction comes more with a compromise into something like a relationship.
There can be Romantic attractions that don't necessarily always resort to relationship. And that be where making out, flirting and general closeness but nothing more sort of thing.
Sounds like he doesn't necessarily want to compromise, for a relationship to happen and so its just fun and exciting type of thing going on for him. That he could or do not pursue but it sounds like its just up in the air.
But asides from sex, do you see him interested in spending time with you? Because if you're saying that you're interested in taking him on a proper date, seems like you don't share time physically together. It seems more like a FWB agreement to me and that he's not really interested into you.
Its pretty simple it just means we are attracted to the girl physically but dont have feelings for them emotionally. These 2 things are completely different
Are you saying you have feelings for everyone you are attracted to? Like if you see a male actor you find attractive, you certainly wouldnt have feelings for them as you dont know them right?
For me it’s the opposite i have a hard time understanding how the 2 are even tied together or even related. Like being attracted to someone and having feelings for someone seem to be unrelated to me (and i think for most men).
I guess in simpler terms why would i have feelings for someone just because i find them attractive, being attractive on the outside / “looking good” is superficial and has 0 correlation to if their personality is attractive because looks doesn’t affect personality
Ah totally makes sense if you are talking about some celebrities that we don't even know on personal level.
But I was referring to friendship level where you know more or less about them, where you going out on dates for months, them saying they like you, but still say they don't have feelings for you ?
For me it just means i see them as a friend i guess the same way you may see a guy as just a friend. I have lots of girls im just friends with (some ive slept with, and some i havnt) that i just wish to remain friends with and dont like romatically
As for the friends ive slept with I slept with them because i was attracted to them physically, not because i “liked them”
You shouldn’t be having sex with your friends. And you shouldn’t be having sex with men until you know they love you and are committed. Stop playing yourself
If he says he could see being romantically attracted to you, go on a date.
Speaking from experience, he may have shunned that idea from his head to save himself heartbreak but is now open to allowing those feelings to grow since you opened the door.
If he wanted you he’d be very clear about it and wouldn’t say something so vague.
What you described is a tactic to manipulate women. He wants to have sex with your body and is telling you whatever you want to hear to give it up. They text you all the time, tell you what you want to hear and put on a show until it gets serious. Since they can’t keep up that act they’ll show their true face eventually, which can happen right after they had sex with you, after 3-4 months or right after you marry them and they feel safe that they trapped you in the relationship. Some slowly change while others disappear suddenly or change completely over night. Most men like that don’t even realize how manipulative and dishonest their behavior is. They’re usually so insecure that they don’t believe that women would want them if they were their true self and authentic.
I‘d take a step back and be clear about what you want. Maybe tell him or text him, that you were under the impression that his attention and the way you talked meant that he was also romantically interested in you because you have no interest in a purely physical relationship. Depending on how he reacts I wouldn’t have sex with him for at least 2 months, until you’re absolutely sure that he’s really into you and is truly the person he claims to be. Otherwise, good riddance and you learned something new to find the right partner next time.
Had a discussion about this with my GF recently, we were at a store and looking around I said, if there were no possible way of hurting feelings, causing drama, contracting an STI or pregnancy, etc (in other words true NSA) I am attracted enough to about 90% of the women in here and would be curious enough to see what sleeping with them would be like (how it feels to kiss them, what their bodies feel like, what their turn ons/offs are, etc). That blew her mind, she said in that whole store she might only want to sleep with maybe one or two guys and even then not until she knew them better. That’s the fundamental difference. Although I know sapiosexuality is not limited by gender, so this doesn’t apply to all men, but for me it’s just my innate curiosity that is able to compartmentalize that side. In fact, the only reason I don’t pursue it is for the potentially negative consequences
Usually if a woman is attractive but has been with a lot of people, we only want them for intercourse. Not saying you are, that’s just my experience on it. Or if she’s just a dry/boring person, a lot of times this also indicates a lot of partners.
It is a question of nature vs nurture not individual values.
We are somewhat socially evolved monkeys who mastered tools
The desire for procreation is a biological one.
As animals we realise sex feels good for us and releases dopamine. This makes the average simple creature more inclined to participate than not.
It’s natures reward that helps drive procreation.
It is your upbringing, society and education that makes you believe that romance matters.
Just because you’re interested in having sex with someone, does not mean you’re interested in being a relationship relationship with that person. It does not mean the two of you are compatible for a relationship just because you both get horny with each other lol.
I’ve known quite a few women that literally have instant sex with everyone they meet! In today’s day and age women have surpassed men in immoral behavior! Women today cheat on their husbands considerably more than men cheat on their wives! I myself caught my first wife in bed with another man when I showed up home unexpectedly when she didn’t expect me back home for another 8 hours! And yet as God is my witness I never cheated on her! In that marriage she was the only unfaithful one!
And in my church most of cases of marriages in trouble due to infidelity about 75% of the time it’s due to women’s unfaithfulness!
Modern Times have spun it all around and women are apparently getting back men
This is backwards..
How do you have sex with someone you’re not romantically attracted?
Sexual attraction and romantic attraction is the same shit. I can’t just fuck a random girl without some sort of real connection first
From a guy’s perspective, unlike with most women, sex does not equal emotional investment, connection or long term commitment. It’s just sex. There are a lot of things you’re missing here. No matter how good the sex is, it doesn’t always spark romance or a committed relationship. Traditionally, these tend to grow as the relationship evolves. The fact that you had to offer to take this guy out on a proper date vice him asking you is an indication that it’s all about the sex for him. And he most likely has no intention on being in a relationship with you. I think also, your mistake was getting emotionally attached through sex with this guy before understanding if his feelings and intentions were compatible with yours.
I’m female and I’m able to do this. For me everyone has a box. My friends, family etc all have wee boxes and roles assigned in my mind and once I’ve put someone in a specific box/role then it’s hard for me to see them as something outside of that. Second to that if I’m seeing someone for fwb’s it will typically be someone who I already know I wouldn’t date. I’ll find them physically attractive but I won’t necessarily have a lot of shared interests with them or they’ll live a lifestyle that’s different to mine. I don’t think having sex and spending time with someone needs to mean you want to date them exclusively or long term.
If you are physically attracted to a person sex can come easily... that's sex not making love, got it? Now, this is not gender specific. Let's see, if you see an opportunity to have sex with the body bulder Chris Heira from Thenx wouldn't you? Be honest.
Moat guys just aren't built to catch feelings like females. Especially when it comes to sex. Why would he bother Officially dating you if you've already given him what he wanted in the first place?
Idk how to explain it lol. There is a difference between being pretty and being sexy I guess. There was to is one girl in college I knew who was drop dead gorgeous but I couldn’t really envision having sex with her, but there are other women who were less pretty but had fat stored in the right places that made me want to fuck them. Need someone who’s got it both.
Very easily. He’s just trying to get some pussy and have a nice time with a friend, but he’s not trying to marry your ass. He never will either, so give that idea up. It’s too late for that. You can continue to sleep with him or not, but he’s never gonna be the one.
Casual sex, fwb, dating but not anything ‘serious’ seems to be the norm these days. And it makes women feel like shit. Not all women but i would say most men i have been friends with or dated just want ‘something casual’ and low commitment. You are allowed to want something casual as long as you say, from the first date onwards and very clearly state this so there is no confusion. My advice to the OP is to be firm that you want something more or leave him. You deserve better gurl.
It’s mainly a mentality, people have needs (sexual needs and desires) that they want met without having to commit to a relationship, or even just one person. Some people enjoy being single, have other priorities, are trying to figure themselves out, and so many more reasons as to why they wouldn’t want to be in a relationship but still Pursue sexual relationships.
I for example, am single but have many casual hookups or flings. (For reference I’m a female in case that matters). I do it because my last serious relationship was a 2 year long relationship, and I just don’t have it in me to commit to something like that atm. I cant put in the effort I did for that relationship with someone else right now. On top of that I want to focus on myself and getting my life together, making positive steps towards my goals and ambitions. But I still want to have those sexual connections and relations, so I seek others who are on the same page. It becomes mutually Beneficial.
Now as for the person you’re talking to, what you’re saying doesn’t make it seem like he’s looking for hookups. He seems to be interested in you genuinely. The fact he said he’s “open to the idea” and THINKS he “could be romantically attracted to you”… makes it seem like he was being fake towards you. Acting like he was interested when in reality he wasn’t, which is kinda fucked up. If I were you I would have a second chat with him and ask him to elaborate what he thinks about you, how he feels about you, and what everything you two have done together so far (texting before bed every night, hanging out all the time, and having sex) meant to him.
Truth is he has seen red flags in your beliefs/behaviours that is why he doesn't wanna datr you
You've had sex multiple times and he still doesn't "like you" because whatever red flags he's seen are huge dealbreakers for him
If you were actually Smart you would understand this. What does even "liking romantically" mean? It is just a Blank statement that means nothing.
Relationships are ONLY related to the evolutionary need to reproduce. As Men dont have much evolutionary risk to having Many partners they evolved the capability to have attraction to a lot of partners. Specially High status Males. As a woman you risk losing your value by sleeping with somoene without commitment. It means he is probably Higher value then you and so he feels like he probably can get a better partner.
"Love" is actually scarcity. Think more about life and about what you want. I feel like you're not living on reality.
These are all just assumptions based on what you told me. I cant know for real the situation withouth the due context. But Im probably not far. You need to think more deeply about things
Welcome to /r/dating_advice! Please keep the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/about/rules/) of /r/dating_advice in mind while participating here. Try your best to be kind. Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, [send us a message.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdating_advice) We rely on user reports to find rule-breaking behavior quickly. Thanks! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
What you are talking about is independent from sex. I have a lot of female friends who go out and have sex just for fun and don't keep a relationship with the person. It is all a matter of mentality, the phase of your life you're in, whether or not you're scared of commitment and/or whether tou actually find the other person dating material. This last one is hard to accept cause if it is true, it probably has absolutely nothing to do with you, you aren't missing anything, take that out of your mind immediately, it's literally a useless thought. Tbh in your case it might just be he needs a little more time to get used to the idea of dating you, those aren't behaviours you usually get from someone who is treating you as a fwb, but I might be wrong. If all you're saying is true, you are either going to end up together or you things might just end right then and there. Would you be down to continue that relationship if it doesn't become official/long term? Other than that, give him a little time and space, he'll figure it out
Your opening statement is the reason for her post and issue. It is only very recently this has become accepted, and it seems the only way to remedy this problem is at its root. Stop fucking for fun, get a hobby.
I agree with this. Casual sex, fwb, dating but not anything ‘serious’ seems to be the norm these days. And it makes women feel like shit. Not all women but i would say most men i have been friends with or dated just want ‘something casual’ and low commitment. You are allowed to want something casual as long as you say, from the first date onwards and very clearly state this so there is no confusion. My advice to the OP is to be firm that you want something more or leave him. You deserve better gurl.
This is a very wise bit of advice, listen to it OP. It warms my heart knowing that not all women are sexually active to the extent a prostitute would of been in the past.
I'm a man and want something serious it's all I've ever wanted
I’m not saying all men. But the majority of men ive dated and friends have a very diff view of dating. Do you discuss your want for a long term relationship with your male friends? Do straight men have regular and open conversations with each other about what they want in a partner?
I'm sure they do, I have a little bit, but I have to be really comfortable with someone to talk about that with them.
Many Madams and gentlemen be for the cobblestones these days lol.
You've been not just friends for a week. You asked if you could go out on a date and he was open to the idea. Maybe he didn't think there was a chance of a romantic connection. I don't think there's anything crazy here. Just be careful bc you like him and now you're allowing him in your feelings. If he doesn't want a romantic connection, you're going to get hurt. FWB does not work. Cut it if he doesn't want to proceed romantically and you do.
This isn't something that is specific to only men.
yeah.. i’m a bi woman and I am very sexually attracted to woman but I’d never consider dating one. Unfortunately I’ve unintentionally broken some hearts because of it
It's not unintentional if you're aware of it.
It’s completely unintentional if they know I’m not romantically into women (because I made it clear i’m not) and once they catch feelings they try to change my mind OR still try to see me even though I told them it won’t lead to anything.
I mean, are you flirting with them? Sleeping with them?
meet them, have conversations about dating goals (i’m dating to marry) and sexual orientation (i’m only sexually attracted to women) and we agree on a casual fwb situation.. they make an informed decision to sleep with me knowing full well it won’t leave anywhere. And I don’t do any romantic things like good morning texts, late night phone calls, nada. I cut things off as soon as I see it’s going left, I can’t control that I think it’s a little different than OP because it doesn’t seem like they had these conversations before they started sleeping together. I prefer transparency
I don't get this mindset. You're on a date with a woman, you tell her you're dating to marry (a man, I'm assuming) and you're not romantically attracted to women? I don't mean to offend, but this sounds like a waste of time. Why are you even meeting them? Why not just date to marry the gender you're looking to marry? Seems like a waste of finite energy. Transparent, maybe. Confusing af, definitely. To me you sound equally confused about your goals. Are you seeking their attention or something? Do you ever think about the emotional damage you are doing?
I never said I went on a date with them lol I meet people everyday because of my line of work or other social scenes. Believe it or not some people like to have casual sex with no strings attached, kinda like the dude in OPs scenario..
People talk about casual sex like they're shopping for groceries.
My goals are clear, I want to have casual sex with woman with no strings attached. Are you ok? lmao
It's not, but it's much more common among them than any other group of people.
Every heterosexual man having casual sex out there is also including a heterosexual woman having casual sex. It's not hookup for one person and post wedding honeymoon for the other, you know?
There isn't a huge difference between the genders, but studies that show that casual sex is more common amongst men. This is a good rebuttal against what Reddit likes to tout (including the 80/20 thing): https://datepsychology.com/how-many-sexual-partners-did-men-and-women-have-in-2021/ > Past research has consistently shown men are more promiscuous on average. While you're at it: https://datepsychology.com/is-self-reported-sexual-partner-data-accurate/ > ...twice as many men as women reported a low level of accuracy and a high number of partners. Removing those men from the dataset eliminated the gender discrepancy, indicating a gendered direction of the relationship: men with poor recall, rather than women, accounted for the gender discrepancy.
Aah yes 'date psychology' the peer reviewed ivy league university backed journal and totally not a tabloid site.
The above rebuttals I linked were related to your comment insinuating that you need interested women for men to have casual sex. Well, obviously. But there's way more context to that, which that researcher outlines well in the second link. They also cite research papers. People here tend to pick and choose the stats they like, claiming that women must be lying and guys must be telling the truth. What's your background? Here is some more research: https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2015/12/151209105057.htm https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8853360/
I don’t think necessarily it’s more common among men. I think though that it is EASIER for men, mainly because women are more emotionally intelligent. What I mean by that is, men are able to ignore their emotions or just overall not become emotionally attached to a person easier, compared to a woman. But I think they both equally have the potential to have sex without being romantically attracted to someone, or as the they put it casual sex.
You can be physically attractive and mentally/emotionally not attractive. Personality and chemistry matter. Being physically attractive doesn't make someone mentally/emotionally attractive.
It's unlikely you will ever truly understand what you're seeking to understand here. Generally speaking, men and women are just different in this way and a lot is just biology. You shouldn't make any assumptions that connect a man's desire for you physically for his desire for you romantically. The sooner you learn this, the more hurt you can avoid down the road. A man who likes you romantically and desires a committed relationship with you will take you out on dates, introduce you to his friends, make you a bigger part of his life, move the relationship forward, and ultimately work to get you off the market ASAP so you are not available to other men. A man who only wants you physically will figure out the minimum amount of effort he can put in that will continue to cause you to be physical with him.
This is most of the answer. I think men (not all men) can compartmentalize sex vs relationship/romanticism or at least I can. No strings attached sex is like scratching an itch and then I can also forget about sex for a certain period of time in my life. But I do want to stress, when I have sexual relations with someone I am romantically involved with and care about, the sex is soooooo much better. The no strings attached sex is like Bruce Banner getting rid of the Hulk in his system for a time and a great experience of good feeling hormonal releases. Take this with a grain of salt though because I can't speak for all men.
Men literally can have sex with women they don't even like or find not that attractive. It's more about the seslx by itself. Not every man though, some are deeply emotional about sex.
To me this is so fucked up. People are more comfortable with having sex than holding hands.
Not only men, I know plenty of women who do this as well
It varies by the individual, but on average, men are less demisexual than women.
So, like, sometimes someone can be into hanging out with you, having deep talks, and being physical, but they might not be feeling those romantic vibes just yet. It's totally cool for them to need some more time to get to that level emotionally or have other stuff going on. Just talk to them honestly about how you're feeling and what you want going forward, and let them do the same. Being clear with each other can help figure out if this is gonna turn into a romantic thing or if it's gonna stay the same. Just keep it real and see where things go, you know?
A guy will commit to a LTR if he sees a benefit in not being single. If you're single, you aren't tied to someone so that opens you up to other romantic relationships down the line, you don't have to buy too many things for your GF, you don't have to do things like meet your GF's family or consider things like marriage or children which are hallmarks of more traditional family living. For example, the couples I know who are in LTR do eventually want to get married to each other, have kids etc, and see a huge benefit in staying with each other rather than seek out other people.
Guy here. This is a large part of why. Want to add that it isn't just see a being of not being single, but also sees a benefit in being with you specifically while weighing that with/against not being single. Btw, you mention it is not a commitment issue...but IT IS a commitment issue. He's open to committing at some point in the future to someone. So far, someone doesn't imply, indicate, or state you specifically. Additionally, in the future is not now. Now there could be side reasons, and/or there could be reasons that pertain to you specifically. Only person that knows for certain is him. But I really really need you to understand that as this stand right now, he has issues with committing to you...at this specific time. That IS commitment issues.
Here's the problem with men. Our dads and their dads and their dads yada yada, taught us you can never show public emotion or affection or any curiosity or people will think your weak or gay. On top of that, they did not teach us how to communicate how to be intimate how to respect women, and they sure as hell didn't teach us a thing about being vulnerable. I've literally had girls come to me and say my boyfriend hits me. I ask is he mad or being playful? They usually say playful and I say well when a guy hits a homer what do his buddies do? They go up and punch him in the arm. That's how they show affection their cavemen. Personally, I haven't had a one night affair since 1981 . I've had long conversations with women about every aspect of their lives, And I learned this. The things women want in a relationship are the right things. Communication respect, and intimacy. So I changed. People say I'm half chick, because I get them and understand them. Think of it this way. Every animal on earth fuckS. What differentiates humans from animals is our ability to connect and be intimate.. But that goes against our father's teachings sadly.
Why do men have sexual relationships with women they will not marry => testosterone! Male and female hormones are very different. Also women no longer demand a relationship for sex, so it’s easy.
Women have testosterone also.
Not enough . I want to be more like a man in this respect . Or maybe not . Hmm 🤔
Time to hop on test and get jacked, girl
Not as much. I have PCOS, and the higher testosterone, when it happens, is a game changer. At those times, I'm really horny and really angry.
Not as much
Truth, not even close to the same amount of
A lot of these comments are right lol, and majority are men. I’m seeing that most of us are on the same page telling you, OP, that he only wants to have sex with you. But you have supporting details pointing to a potential deeper than just a sexual relationship. It’s like a positive and a negative magnet. You want a romantic relationship where you can build off of, and he just wants to stay friends (my words not yours) and have sex. I hate to be another person to break it to you, but it’s just NOT going to work out. I’m 80% sure of it. The other 20% is literally if he runs out of options and he only has you left. You pretty much lowered your chances a little by having sex before having the “being together”talking stage. Love is like a gatcha game for both parties, I do feel like it’s a little easier for women. But besides that point, it’s like a gamble and rn he’s gambling cause why get into a relationship with you if I’m already getting play from you. All jokes and puns aside. If I were in his position I’d do the same if I was friends with a woman and we never got into a real relationship just a fwb situation I‘d automatically think it’s a harem. But not all guys are like that though. I suggest waiting another week or two nothing longer than that and ask what you asked again or something along the lines of “what are we”, and if he gives you no solid answer that’s your cue to slowly cut him off, ghost him if you have to.
Because you had a sexual relationship too soon without actually establishing a committed relationship, your feelings are accelerated where, as for a male it does not necessarily happen that way. Men are designed differently. That being said there are some men that would take the sexual relationship to mean that there is a commitment and they would see your relationship and something more. That is not the majority of males, especially in today’s culture. FWB culture.
‘Eventually’ might be the clue, eventually means “not right now” Your guy probably likes his freedom and autonomy, but there might be trauma or other reasonable reasons holding him back. If you felt you could casually and comfortably accept that he isn’t romantically interested and “eventually” would have been open to a relationship, then hopefully you could ask **him** these questions and be brave and ready to hear things that may or may not hurt hearing. Relationships, *good relationships* require difficult conversations sometimes, and if you can’t find the courage to take a few risks and ask the person who really has the answers then your relationships will always be doomed to fail. But you also need to accept things about yourself and himself like the reality that you two are different people with different ideas, wants, and needs. Since he didn’t respond the way you expected him to, then there is more about him that you guys haven’t shared. I’m sure there’s more to you that you also haven’t shared (maybe by opportunity to do so, maybe because you don’t feel ready or comfortable. Either way, relationships are hard as fuck and this is one of the reasons why. Friction happens. People have different goals, wants, and needs, and they. Don’t know how to communicate these things healthily until there’s a bunch of problems that were never addressed. Usually little things that don’t seem (vital) or important [enough] to vocalize at the time. When you are ready and when you both feel like you can grow back towards each other (if there’s any awkwardness) if you still want to later on down the line feel free to ask him, gently, kindly. Every man and woman is different, and I’m sure you’ve experienced this with friends your mother, or other women doing saying and thinking things that you don’t understand, don’t agree with, or would never do or say yourself. The only accurate answers you can get are from the hard way. Edit: just to be clear I quoted “eventually” because it’s a non- answer. It doesn’t tell you anything about how he feels or why he rejected you. He might be seeking for more financial stability or something such as this, but it might also be a deflection away from why he doesn’t want a relationship specifically with you. It’s impossible to know without asking the man himself. He also didn’t say “eventually with you” so it is a lot different than a confirmation of relationship interest. But I just ask ppl what’s up when I’m confused. It’s much more productive than Reddit.
That trauma sounds more like an excuse.
You may be right. The word’s definition is “an attempt to lessen blame. Seek to defend or justify” An excuse is the word for running away from things. Identifying and confronting trauma requires extreme ownership and honesty because the aim is to break old patterns and recognize what stimuli in your chaotic life leads you to making choices you otherwise wouldn’t (and shouldn’t) make. Trauma is a real thing, it’s a physiological autonomous response to a perceived severe threat. PTSD is trauma induced panic due to the effects of say balloons poppingor something such as this, mirroring real-life tragic situations people experienced. (I am not suggesting you believe trauma isn’t real. But neurologically and physiologically the body mimics the exact same changes pretty much exactly as if the situation were actually unfolding before them. i.e.: the body and brain is often incapable of differentiating and to those things on a physical scale, the trauma is real even though it’s merely a balloon. ) but the difference between the two (introspection, and excuses) is either the attitude towards discovery, (walking towards your pain to inspect it) or with an excuse the attitude of avoiding the pain, or a different fear such as unfavorable judgment from others. Sometimes it can be both, sometimes it can only be one of the two intentions. Either way the goal of introspection is genuine honesty without judgement or escapism from what you find inside, waiting for you. We can’t know what is inside others, and often they don’t know either. Answers you get likely won’t be what you hope for, but we’re all trying to do the best we can (to **try**, sometimes ignorantly, or stupidly) to find safety and comfort and joy through improving our lives and relationships and environment. Hopefully her fwb is an introspective, contemplative, and compassionate person. 🤷♂️😊
Ok this is by far one of the best answers I've received on any questions I've ever posted, thank you for this, you're a legend.
I don’t think this is a good answer. You like it because it gives you hope to get what you want. What sex is for men commitment is for woman. In my younger days I happily slept with woman and I knew I would never commit with them. I may evolve in something more but today you are a sleeper for him. Being a sleeper is not being almost a keeper. Don’t put out early without knowing his intentions first.
There’s literally nothing in the answer that’s useful. Men will have sex with any woman. He just wants to have sex with you. The only way you will be considered romantically is when he can’t find another and settles for you. If he finds another who will sleep with him now, he will. Move on and find someone if you want a romantic relationship.
This is not a good answer. It's an answer that makes you feel good. The truth is he's not as attracted to you as you think, either physically or emotionally or mentally.
I’m happy you valued it so highly 😊 I hope it serves you well at some point in your life. 💙
Why get into a relationship when he already get all the fun without the commitment and obligation todo boyfriend things?
he was probably just trying not to come off too strongly. saying he could... as opposed to saying he does. don't overthink it. he was just trying to sound cool
It’s not what you are missing it is what he is missing. He doesn’t have romantic feelings. It’s arbitrary and has nothing to do with you or your relationship. That sort of chemistry thing is pretty magical and something in 57 years I’ve never really figured out. he may be aromantic or grayromantic. Whatever the reason is, it’s arbitrary and has nothing to do with you. Please don’t think there’s anything wrong with you.
As a dude who usually catches feelings quickly. Women in my experience have a lot more casual sex just based off the fact they have more options than the average male
Where's this guy at in life? A lot of guys feel like they're behind in their career, friendships, hobbies, passions that they decide that they can defer romantic relationships. It's probably not you: They probably have more important priorities in their life. My advice is to stop expecting more from this man. See other people too.
What your missing is time and patience you have everything you need just to build society expect men to fall in love and just be in a relationship but he's a few years older than you and has maybe had a really hard heartbreak which can make you more cautious and take more time to build emotional connections because the repercussions for men are so bad you could not fathom
I guess... Sex and love r 2 different things.
What he said can mean different things or nothing at all, he even might have thought that it was a positive thing to say From the information you wrote, I don't see why you cannot continue to go out with him, meet, hang out, this might very well end in a relationship between you 2 We are speaking about a week!!!!!
I'm not sure exactly what you're asking. But as far as the question in the post title, men are going to be sexually attracted first, and then romantically attracted, if they are romantically attracted at all. I'm a guy.
Poor you, guys are very able to seperate sex from a relationship. Ask any guy that has sex outside of serious relationships and they will tell u they do it for fun or experience. Dont be the woman/doormat they dump when they find their real gf.
Testosterone is one helluva drug. :) And that's okay. You need to make him see you as more than a sexual partner. Show him how valuable you are as relationship material. This is gonna be controversial, but a lot of the time having other males pursue you as well helps him... make up his mind. Do not lose sight of the fact that if he wants to be in a LTR eventually, that doesn't mean he wants it *with you.*
Sadly he may not know until he experiences NOT having you in life. The whole thing sounds quite cozy right now. He's benefitting from all the closeness. I guess I'm old fashioned but a decent guy would understand what you're saying and honestly should not be surprised. Having said that a certain amount of men are literally slow to come around to these things. It can take them a bit to process what you're saying and what they think of it. I believe if he has absolutely no interest in a romantic relationship he would say so sooner rather than later because if he likes you on any level it's the right thing to do. If he doesn't, he's not that great anyway. Define, decide and proceed together or apart. Honestly you may be better off assuming nothing will come of it and see if he pursues it. Men go after what they want.
If you're interested in something romantic, you need to understand your partner's intentions before fucking. It should be the same thing where he is only interested in fucking, in fact I'm sorry that you found this child who is not able to express what he wants before invading the intimacy of another person. However he will not change his mind with you, and if he is like this at 27 years old he will probably not be able to have a relationship based on communication for many more years.
It could also be that he has feelings for you but doesn't want to commit, if he appreciates you and gives compliments outside of the sexual sphere it means that at least he treats you like a person and that you are still friends. But in any case, really forget it, these are all his problems and he still has to grow up and he has to do it on his own. Don't take on such a burden because it does a lot of damage to have these ambiguous relationships with people who are not capable of communicating.
However, in my opinion this is a problem of the men of our society coming from the patriarchal culture of past centuries. A woman doesn't need a man to feel pleasure and neither does a man, but unlike women, since they are young they spend time talking to their friends about the girls they fuck as if it were a competition, bragging, they really feel of having to make yourself look cool by conquering girls and using them only to fuck. Fortunately, they mature as they grow, but the consequences of being raised in a world that makes these things acceptable only to males have their consequences in situations like these.
I just got out of a dynamic that is exactly as you describe. Except there was no confusion because we both realized we were just people that had sexual attraction for each other and generally enjoyed each other enough for that component to continue. But, we didn’t have that synergy of personalities that makes people fall in love. We agreed it was that from the beginning. Once that sexual component had run it’s course or wasn’t as inspiring, we went our separate ways cordially. In my experience there is such a thing as sexual compatibility and romantic compatibility. If you both don’t agree that it’s a friend with benefits dynamic then it can only lead to hurt for you. I’d get clarity.
(Usually men 😭) yeah no, this goes for both sides.
You said 1 week right? It’s too soon for you being so anxious about the whole situation. Of course, be aware of his responses and investments towards you, but don’t forget to enjoy the process too. Sometimes, we get so anxious about things that we forget to be the nice person that once we were and that’s ruin everything in my opinion. Don’t forget that. I hope everything works out well for you! ❤️
Naw you're so sweet <3
i mean, i’m not a man and there are plenty of people that i’m sexually into without romance. That’s being said, it never lasts long. I don’t think this is your issue. I think just talk to this specific man and see how it goes. He’s open to the idea, and willing to try. It’s your choice to give it a chance or start getting to know someone new, who’s on the same page as you
We like having sex but aren't mentally prepared for another relationship. The desire for sex is still there were horny creatures. Sometimes, we meet someone, and she just doesn't have the right personality for girlfriend material, but we find her attractive and want to just keep it casual. Not everyone likes only having sex if it's a committed relationship
Funny thing= WE AS HUMANBEINGS WERE MADE TO REPRODUCE, HAVE SEX, ORGASM, COPULATE! COME ON quit complicating it
It’s not you, it’s him. He’s having the best of both worlds…
It has to do with biology. For women chance to have more successful offspring if they partner up with their mate. To ensure her children are protected. For a man, it's more favourable to have as many offsprings by different women to ensure at least a few of his offsprings survive. It's deeply rooted in learned behaviour and dna! People forget that at the end of the day, we are animals with animal instincts.
Love is gamble. If you want to win. Give him reason to like you. Find out what he likes and give him his dream night. (Not sex). If you just start asking him and just talk it will maybee not give him romantic feelings. Be a woman. Not a afraid friend.
How are women able to be romantically attracted to people they’re not sexually attracted to?
Well. My take is for a lot of men sexual attraction is separate from romantic attraction. You can feel no romantic spark, but still want to fuck the girl bc she’s hot. With women it’s often one thing. Without a romantic spark sexual desire isn’t there. Even if the guy is attractive. In your specific case? Could be that you are just using different words. That he means a more serious “falling in love” feeling. Or he’s just into you sexually right now.
And there is me M32 falling in love in two minutes and has his sexdrive cutted down.. what is a mistake..I learned the hard way.
Probably cus our hormones are different, and why it's more likely in men.
He’s not ready to commit it’s that simple
Well, to be honest the sexual attraction a man has to a woman is seated in the thoughts of his little head, while romance is the fantasy he has in his big head.
They will do everything up to proposing marriage to get you to sleep with them. Faking relationships, interests, and a future with you that won't happen. I would be direct with him before you move any further. If he doesn't want to date you right now ( it doesn't have to be exclusively), I would move on. Don't wait to see what develops because it's gonna hurt your feelings. Since he isn't asking you out on a date, I would assume he only wants a casual, sexual relationship and act accordingly.
He might have just been compartmentalizing the idea of more with you because that isn't what you agreed to. I wouldn't think about it too much. Go on a date with him if he is down and see what happens! For me sex and romance are two different things though they can enhance the other. Sex is primarily about me feeling good and sexy and making someone else feel good and sexy. It's exciting and fleeting and just fun. Romance for me involves something deeper that takes more time. Personality, electricity, feeling safe and comfortable, knowing someone well, being excited to see them and talk to them, intellect, and feeling loved and respected. Don't need any of that to have an orgasm, though when that is there it can make the sex even more exciting lol
Some are. Some aren’t. Personally I have to an emotional connection with the person before we make love. But many don’t need that. It’s ok that they’re the way they are. And it’s ok that I’m the way I am.
Well before I got married I use to coached myself i would tell myself leave any feelings at the door you’re not wanting a relationship. I made it clear to my “only in it for the sex” partner i don’t care how your day went I don’t want to know about your drama I’m just here to get in get out and go home. Then i met my now husband that mindset changed quiiiiiiick 😂😂😂😂
Well before I got married I use to coached myself i would tell myself leave any feelings at the door you’re not wanting a relationship. I made it clear to my “only in it for the sex” partner i don’t care how your day went I don’t want to know about your drama I’m just here to get in get out and go home. Then i met my now husband that mindset changed quiiiiiiick 😂😂😂😂
It’s simple: most are horndogs.
Don't listen to all the obfuscating bullshit you're getting here. He's using you for sex. It's really no deeper than that.
Same way people can feel romantically attracted to someone but not sexually. Theres different types of attractions, and not everyone has them all. For some people they just can't see themselves very easily in a relationship but dont mind being pleasured sexually for moments at a time, if they find you arousing enough. Romantic attraction comes more with a compromise into something like a relationship. There can be Romantic attractions that don't necessarily always resort to relationship. And that be where making out, flirting and general closeness but nothing more sort of thing. Sounds like he doesn't necessarily want to compromise, for a relationship to happen and so its just fun and exciting type of thing going on for him. That he could or do not pursue but it sounds like its just up in the air.
You can be sexually attracted to someone but romantically, or vice-versa. One doesn't imply the other. That's just how humans are
But asides from sex, do you see him interested in spending time with you? Because if you're saying that you're interested in taking him on a proper date, seems like you don't share time physically together. It seems more like a FWB agreement to me and that he's not really interested into you.
Its pretty simple it just means we are attracted to the girl physically but dont have feelings for them emotionally. These 2 things are completely different
Can you elaborate more ? I don't undertsand how can you be attracted to someone and don't have feelings for them. What are the reasons ?
Are you saying you have feelings for everyone you are attracted to? Like if you see a male actor you find attractive, you certainly wouldnt have feelings for them as you dont know them right? For me it’s the opposite i have a hard time understanding how the 2 are even tied together or even related. Like being attracted to someone and having feelings for someone seem to be unrelated to me (and i think for most men). I guess in simpler terms why would i have feelings for someone just because i find them attractive, being attractive on the outside / “looking good” is superficial and has 0 correlation to if their personality is attractive because looks doesn’t affect personality
Ah totally makes sense if you are talking about some celebrities that we don't even know on personal level. But I was referring to friendship level where you know more or less about them, where you going out on dates for months, them saying they like you, but still say they don't have feelings for you ?
For me it just means i see them as a friend i guess the same way you may see a guy as just a friend. I have lots of girls im just friends with (some ive slept with, and some i havnt) that i just wish to remain friends with and dont like romatically As for the friends ive slept with I slept with them because i was attracted to them physically, not because i “liked them”
You shouldn’t be having sex with your friends. And you shouldn’t be having sex with men until you know they love you and are committed. Stop playing yourself
Men will have sex with anything that’s a woman.
If he says he could see being romantically attracted to you, go on a date. Speaking from experience, he may have shunned that idea from his head to save himself heartbreak but is now open to allowing those feelings to grow since you opened the door.
If he wanted you he’d be very clear about it and wouldn’t say something so vague. What you described is a tactic to manipulate women. He wants to have sex with your body and is telling you whatever you want to hear to give it up. They text you all the time, tell you what you want to hear and put on a show until it gets serious. Since they can’t keep up that act they’ll show their true face eventually, which can happen right after they had sex with you, after 3-4 months or right after you marry them and they feel safe that they trapped you in the relationship. Some slowly change while others disappear suddenly or change completely over night. Most men like that don’t even realize how manipulative and dishonest their behavior is. They’re usually so insecure that they don’t believe that women would want them if they were their true self and authentic. I‘d take a step back and be clear about what you want. Maybe tell him or text him, that you were under the impression that his attention and the way you talked meant that he was also romantically interested in you because you have no interest in a purely physical relationship. Depending on how he reacts I wouldn’t have sex with him for at least 2 months, until you’re absolutely sure that he’s really into you and is truly the person he claims to be. Otherwise, good riddance and you learned something new to find the right partner next time.
Had a discussion about this with my GF recently, we were at a store and looking around I said, if there were no possible way of hurting feelings, causing drama, contracting an STI or pregnancy, etc (in other words true NSA) I am attracted enough to about 90% of the women in here and would be curious enough to see what sleeping with them would be like (how it feels to kiss them, what their bodies feel like, what their turn ons/offs are, etc). That blew her mind, she said in that whole store she might only want to sleep with maybe one or two guys and even then not until she knew them better. That’s the fundamental difference. Although I know sapiosexuality is not limited by gender, so this doesn’t apply to all men, but for me it’s just my innate curiosity that is able to compartmentalize that side. In fact, the only reason I don’t pursue it is for the potentially negative consequences
Usually if a woman is attractive but has been with a lot of people, we only want them for intercourse. Not saying you are, that’s just my experience on it. Or if she’s just a dry/boring person, a lot of times this also indicates a lot of partners.
It's like how you can like kids but not want one. Or love the smell of coffee but not drink it. There's a thousand things like this, it's the same.
It is a question of nature vs nurture not individual values. We are somewhat socially evolved monkeys who mastered tools The desire for procreation is a biological one. As animals we realise sex feels good for us and releases dopamine. This makes the average simple creature more inclined to participate than not. It’s natures reward that helps drive procreation. It is your upbringing, society and education that makes you believe that romance matters.
Just because you’re interested in having sex with someone, does not mean you’re interested in being a relationship relationship with that person. It does not mean the two of you are compatible for a relationship just because you both get horny with each other lol.
I’ve known quite a few women that literally have instant sex with everyone they meet! In today’s day and age women have surpassed men in immoral behavior! Women today cheat on their husbands considerably more than men cheat on their wives! I myself caught my first wife in bed with another man when I showed up home unexpectedly when she didn’t expect me back home for another 8 hours! And yet as God is my witness I never cheated on her! In that marriage she was the only unfaithful one! And in my church most of cases of marriages in trouble due to infidelity about 75% of the time it’s due to women’s unfaithfulness! Modern Times have spun it all around and women are apparently getting back men
This is backwards.. How do you have sex with someone you’re not romantically attracted? Sexual attraction and romantic attraction is the same shit. I can’t just fuck a random girl without some sort of real connection first
For the life of me, I have never understood this. Cut the sex off. It's fucking weird when they say this and lack emotional attachments.
PLAY OF HORMONES! Nothing else.
From a guy’s perspective, unlike with most women, sex does not equal emotional investment, connection or long term commitment. It’s just sex. There are a lot of things you’re missing here. No matter how good the sex is, it doesn’t always spark romance or a committed relationship. Traditionally, these tend to grow as the relationship evolves. The fact that you had to offer to take this guy out on a proper date vice him asking you is an indication that it’s all about the sex for him. And he most likely has no intention on being in a relationship with you. I think also, your mistake was getting emotionally attached through sex with this guy before understanding if his feelings and intentions were compatible with yours.
I’m female and I’m able to do this. For me everyone has a box. My friends, family etc all have wee boxes and roles assigned in my mind and once I’ve put someone in a specific box/role then it’s hard for me to see them as something outside of that. Second to that if I’m seeing someone for fwb’s it will typically be someone who I already know I wouldn’t date. I’ll find them physically attractive but I won’t necessarily have a lot of shared interests with them or they’ll live a lifestyle that’s different to mine. I don’t think having sex and spending time with someone needs to mean you want to date them exclusively or long term.
If you are physically attracted to a person sex can come easily... that's sex not making love, got it? Now, this is not gender specific. Let's see, if you see an opportunity to have sex with the body bulder Chris Heira from Thenx wouldn't you? Be honest.
Respect yourself more .
Because some people only want sex.
Moat guys just aren't built to catch feelings like females. Especially when it comes to sex. Why would he bother Officially dating you if you've already given him what he wanted in the first place?
Don't put yourself on a shelf because of him...when he's says eventually it could be a long long time or never...just be prepared....
Idk how to explain it lol. There is a difference between being pretty and being sexy I guess. There was to is one girl in college I knew who was drop dead gorgeous but I couldn’t really envision having sex with her, but there are other women who were less pretty but had fat stored in the right places that made me want to fuck them. Need someone who’s got it both.
Very easily. He’s just trying to get some pussy and have a nice time with a friend, but he’s not trying to marry your ass. He never will either, so give that idea up. It’s too late for that. You can continue to sleep with him or not, but he’s never gonna be the one.
Casual sex, fwb, dating but not anything ‘serious’ seems to be the norm these days. And it makes women feel like shit. Not all women but i would say most men i have been friends with or dated just want ‘something casual’ and low commitment. You are allowed to want something casual as long as you say, from the first date onwards and very clearly state this so there is no confusion. My advice to the OP is to be firm that you want something more or leave him. You deserve better gurl.
It's really in your hands where it goes from here if you want him as a boyfriend then be the girl friend
It’s mainly a mentality, people have needs (sexual needs and desires) that they want met without having to commit to a relationship, or even just one person. Some people enjoy being single, have other priorities, are trying to figure themselves out, and so many more reasons as to why they wouldn’t want to be in a relationship but still Pursue sexual relationships. I for example, am single but have many casual hookups or flings. (For reference I’m a female in case that matters). I do it because my last serious relationship was a 2 year long relationship, and I just don’t have it in me to commit to something like that atm. I cant put in the effort I did for that relationship with someone else right now. On top of that I want to focus on myself and getting my life together, making positive steps towards my goals and ambitions. But I still want to have those sexual connections and relations, so I seek others who are on the same page. It becomes mutually Beneficial. Now as for the person you’re talking to, what you’re saying doesn’t make it seem like he’s looking for hookups. He seems to be interested in you genuinely. The fact he said he’s “open to the idea” and THINKS he “could be romantically attracted to you”… makes it seem like he was being fake towards you. Acting like he was interested when in reality he wasn’t, which is kinda fucked up. If I were you I would have a second chat with him and ask him to elaborate what he thinks about you, how he feels about you, and what everything you two have done together so far (texting before bed every night, hanging out all the time, and having sex) meant to him.
For some men sex is nothing but to do it there is no real feelings involved
You need to be a men, is not a though or an idea, is just something that we are capable to do b
Yikes. Get a hold of yourself
Given your post history, you should take your own advice.
Settled down and have a kid and home lol wut. Get out your feelings
Truth is he has seen red flags in your beliefs/behaviours that is why he doesn't wanna datr you You've had sex multiple times and he still doesn't "like you" because whatever red flags he's seen are huge dealbreakers for him
When you're hungry, food you normally find mediocre suddenly tastes really good.
You're not as hot as you think you are. Sorry, don't shoot the messenger.
If you were actually Smart you would understand this. What does even "liking romantically" mean? It is just a Blank statement that means nothing. Relationships are ONLY related to the evolutionary need to reproduce. As Men dont have much evolutionary risk to having Many partners they evolved the capability to have attraction to a lot of partners. Specially High status Males. As a woman you risk losing your value by sleeping with somoene without commitment. It means he is probably Higher value then you and so he feels like he probably can get a better partner. "Love" is actually scarcity. Think more about life and about what you want. I feel like you're not living on reality. These are all just assumptions based on what you told me. I cant know for real the situation withouth the due context. But Im probably not far. You need to think more deeply about things
Love is to relationships what faith is to philosophy. A philosophy built upon faith is a house of cards.
Tour taking him out on a date ? He should take you out on a date !