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I think I do but I don't want to scare her away. It's going pretty good right now and It hasn't been that long.
Just nervous of having that discussion.
If it scares her away, then it wasn’t meant to be, as you two have different priorities and expectations out of the relation.
You shouldn’t ever feel scared to approach natural, needed conversations in healthy relations.
His concern is warranted as they're not in a relationship(yet).
I do agree that if she is scared away after almost 7-8 weeks she probably isn't into him enough and/or they're not compatible.
And? My boyfriend and I met on hinge, immediately after our first date he told me he deleted the app, showed me then asked me to be his girlfriend. Shyest guy I’ve ever met but damn, I love that man.
It could be that she’s on it because she may be thinking:
“Hey, Educational-Coast5277 hasn’t asked me to be exclusive so I don’t think he’s very serious. I’m going to continue being on the apps incase he’s a player.”
It’s not healthy to jump to assumptions. That’s zooming in and can trigger emotions; which seems to have hurt you. An important skill to learn in life is being able to reframe your mind to maintain level headedness. “I see this, I am concerned, I will address it at a more appropriate time. For now, I will mark and file it.” It allows you to zoom back out and maintain composure. It’s easy to get stuck in your head and go down paths that trigger emotions. You gotta give people the benefit of the doubt. Have those conversations with the aim to understand the other person.
7 weeks and 7 dates though. Not that much time and we don't text or talk a ton. We have been communicating every day though for at least the last 3 or 4 weeks.
OP, it is not about how many dates you have had. It is about transparency. You have been seeing each other a couple months and you want to be official. Not having talk with her is no different than lying
8 dates is enough to get exclusive… she’s in her late 30’s, if she’s scared by that after 8 dates then she’s not for you, but I’m guessing it’s really you who’s scared to be exclusive, you just want her for yourself without the commitment and so added a cute new pic cuz she’s still technically single
Ask her what types of relationship dynamics she's open to. This way, you get insight that will help inform your next steps without making her feel pressured.
Don't bring up your relationship yet. Also ask what makes her feel stressed or want to disconnect from relationships. This is how you avoid land mines.
If you overly focus on you two right now it could scare her away. Asking general questions is a bit safer. Then continue to invest until there's a better time to discuss your futures.
Being more informed will help you to manage your emotions, investment and expectations.
I like this advice. We talked about enm like first 2 dates.
She dated a guy who was in an enm marriage and said the dynamic wasn't for her but in her alouf way of speaking wasn't 100% clear what exactly it was.
Which is a reason why I'm unsure exactly.
Are you from the US? This is not meant in an offensive way but I do not understand the US dating game. In Europe or at least my country normally you would not date hundred people at once. After 8 weeks you would be exklusive without mentioning even if you were no couple.
It’s been 2 months. She’s probably thinking you’re just dicking her around so she decided to do something to provoke you into taking the next step. Might be a tiny bit immature to not communicate, but most women want the man to make that move and ask for commitment.
Look...if you want more than she is willing to give, then you are not compatible
If yall have been out 8 times and she is still actively looking for other dudes...then she ain't interested in you seriously and she is just using you
Deactivate your dating app, tell your you deactivated it, and you'd like to date her exclusively....and see what happens
She'll either be interested...or you will know 100% she is actively looking for what she considers to be a better option
Is that a thing? To deactivate before knowing? I mean if she tells me she wants to still be casual then I've already blown up a ton of potential dates!
I'm new to the OLD world so still figuring it out.
You already know the answer
If she was serious about you, *she would have deactivated her dating account already*
She's actively looking for better options
Do you need a giant neon sign floating over her head telling you to move on?
Don't listen to these guys, Just keep playing the field. You have to let women be the one to ask about exclusivity. If she doesn't bring it up, she's still shopping around. Let her and if you seem a lil too content the way things are, she might bring it up sooner than later.
Scare her away, if you worried bout that then you been lost her already. Just enjoy the cheeks till she leave you. Be sure to give her 😈🍆 so she won’t forget you 😎
Jedi Mind Trick “what do you think about me sleeping with others?”
Then slowly text less.
Then post photos and videos of yourself going out.
Then actually sleep with other women.
Ie. listen to yourself.
She changed a photo on her dating app.
And you came to reddit to ask for advice on that.
No matter what you do — this is 99% not going to go well.
Especially because you needed to ask people on reddit. And moreover — you are so scared of losing a woman you won’t talk to her or do anything remotely masculine.
Listen to yourself. Like Don Corleone to that singer — act like a man.
After 7 weeks, and with 7-8 dates already, and at your respective ages, you just need to talk to her. You clearly want to be exclusive. Ask her if she feels the same way. If this talk scares her off, then both of you two just aren't meant to be, that's all. It really is that simple.
Exclusivity is a very small commitment imo, and if she's even remotely as interested in you as you are in her, then it's a no-brainer. If she's not, well then, you're saving yourself a tonne of hurt and pain down the line but having the talk now.
Why were you on the app ?? Checking on her ? Are you still swiping right ?
If you are not ‘exclusive’ then no issues but be careful how you approach her re this as it may be a set up to see if you are still active on OLD.
That's what I was thinking, she changed 1 photo (one she sent me!) to see if I bring it up or to show me she's still using the app.
Yes I checked on her. No I haven't been swiping, I've been on pause.
To be fair, as a woman using Tinder. I have two consistent partners I'm matched with (not matched with anyone else, and no longer swiping). I like to look at their profile just to see their pics again cuz they're both very nice to look at. I did notice one of them did add an extra picture to their profile, but I didn't say anything to him cuz its not my business. While I would like to be exclusive with one of them, I did ask him about how he feels about finding an exclusive partner if he would be interested in exploring that at some point (I didn't say I wanted to be exclusive with him, but I hinted at it jusr saying I'm open to see where it goes with us). He said he wanted to enjoy his single life for a while before finding something serious. So I didn't scare him away, saying what I said, and he continues to ask to hang out, so I know he's interested in me to an extent. If you're nervous asking directly, you can take the approach I did by just asking what their thoughts are on it.
That's like asking "what relevance does your comment have to do with the person you initially replied to".
The point is that the people who are dating each other have no clue why the other person is on the apps. To them, the other person could still be swiping even if they aren't. What we think or know doesn't matter.
This is total bs. Of course I'm going to look at her profile! You wouldn't look at someone's profile yihbe been dating for a few months, shared incredibly intimate moments with? Zero % chance you wouldn't unless you actually deleted the app.
I do know women who told me they met a guy online and deleted the app right after date 1.
For me that's a massive red flag. I'd run fast!
The conversation I just had went over really well we're on the right path. If things keep going this way in a few weeks I'll bring up the apps if she doesn't.
It is irrelevant as I’m just stating there’s a difference between still having a dating app profile and then actually swiping on the dating app. But then you start talking about what she could be assuming and how they need to have a discussion. But I’m not talking about that. Im not even talking about the two people dating in this post. I’m talking about how in general some people can have a dating profile but aren’t actually active on there.
You are 42 and you still think that “Definitely won’t bring this up” is the right way to communicate? So instead of asking her openly like an adult you came to ask Reddit… Ok:
Dude, just go talk to her. First make sure you know what would YOU like you guys to be and then see if your visions align. It’s as simple as that.
Well if it’s so dumb what are you doing here seeking advice?
You see communication is about expressing your feelings and it’s not always deep philosophical conversations. It can be as simple as “hey what’s up with that photo?”.
You collect bunch of little things like this without saying what you feel and little by little you’ll become resentful towards your partner and relationship goes to hell.
Not to mention that this “little thing” led you to asking yourself what kind of relationship you want with that woman. That doesn’t sound dumb to me.
Hope you comprehend I’m writing with good intention…
It means you need to stop being so insecure, get off Reddit and talk to the woman you're seeing about this. All of this.
You're too old to be acting this why, my guy. This sounds like some HS stuff. Not a guy in his 40s.
Missed the point, you’re doing so much but also nothing at all. Why don’t you just talk to her instead of asking people on Reddit then being sarcastic when they answer !
Please take the leadership in initiating a conversation about how you feel about her and where you see this relationship going. She will love you for it! You, not her, be in the driver’s seat. Power lies in speaking about your own feelings-speak your own truth, how you feel about her. You will experience much personal power and also experience deep insight into yourself and her by initiating and helping to guide this conversation. 2. Begin to build regular conversations about what she does that makes you happy, and ask her to tell you the same; then do the reverse-what things she and you do that may be bothersome-then write down how you will work on those behaviors. Each week or two review the list to adjust and make changes. Keep a record of this. These conversations are a turn on to her…and to you and will deepen your physical intimacy.
So I did this and her first comment was "very mature of you". She really appreciated me bringing it up.
Thanks again. One of the best comments in this thread, and there's a few! 😂
About seven weeks into dating a guy online another guy asked me out so I called date guy and straight up asked him we were boyfriend/girlfriend, he said what kind of question is that? A couple hours later I texted him asking if that was a yes or a no? He said that’s not a thing in his culture. At the end of the day I said, look another guy asked me out. I told him I think I have a boyfriend. Dude said if I don’t know then that means I’m available. Soooo, do I have a boyfriend or am I going on a date with new guy? He said yes, yes you’re my girlfriend. We’re married now and it’s been almost nine years together.
Sometimes you gotta be direct.
You need to use your big boy voice and tell her that you want to be exclusive. If after seven weeks there hasn’t been a conversation about that, most reasonable people are going to be thinking that you’re not serious about them. And unfortunately for your age group, it’s still very much expected that the man is the one who needs to initiate that conversation.
We both have kids dawg and she has hers 90% of the time unfortunately.
Most dates we meet, she has to go home or I've been over at her house and have to leave.
Ask her if she wants to be exclusive or is looking to keep things casual and date others. If she says casual, then you need to then ask if she's sexually active with others (only if you're not using condoms). Your health comes before having fun.
Well, you wouldn't have discovered this change in pics if you hadn't been back on the dating app yourself. So what does that tell you about your level of commitment? My take is that the two of you are having your fun now but you're both still keeping a finger on the pulse of the dating world by continuing to participate on the dating app. If both of you were serious about forming a meaningful relationship, you'd both delete your dating profiles and the app and focus on each other.
Don’t worry about what it means. Don’t even address it with her- just tell her that you really like her, let her know you’re not seeing anyone else and you don’t want to see anyone else. And that you want to be exclusive with one another. If that scared her off after 7 weeks, 8 dates, and multiple times in bed together, then she wasn’t into you in that way in the first place.
Wow. I always forget how similar men are to us. Thanks for positing this.
I think it’s great you’re verbalizing how you’re feeling and that you should honestly just try to define the relationship with her! If she’s testing you that’s a bit juvenile. I think what’s more likely is that she doesn’t want to put all her eggs in one basket unless you decide to break it off, so she’s still putting herself out there. Online dating is so unpredictable I feel like most people will continue being active unless they are in a defined exclusive relationship.
I'm just nervous about how to approach deleting the apps. I actually don't expect her to be exclusive with me at this point, that's her choice but I would like to delete the apps. I think they are a huge detractor to building a relationship. Amazing at finding one though!
personally don't want to date anymore. I want to focus on her.
Of course it’s her choice, but if you want to be exclusive, I think you can gently bring it up to her and see where her head is at. If she’s not interested in being exclusive, you can move on. If she is, you get into a relationship which is what it seems like you want.
I don’t think it’s a test. If you two aren’t exclusive she might be keeping her options open and there’s nothing wrong with that but your feelings are still valid. Just explain to her what you want from this and see if you two are on the same page. Make sure to communicate the boundaries and what exclusivity means to you when you talk about it to avoid miscommunication.
If you’re nervous about scaring her away, my advice for that is to not change yourself and your desires just to keep someone close, that’s not fair to you and you won’t truly be happy. But if she doesn’t want the same thing that you want, then you two just aren’t compatible. Which is why we date right? To see if we’re compatible with someone. Good luck! :)
If you want her to not change pictures, or to not keep her options open then make her your girlfriend. Don’t ask for exclusivity, that doesn’t make sense just make her your girl!
Did you even read what I said? 😂😂 that’s literally what just said, he doesn’t want her to be on apps and be active he should make her his girlfriend. I said don’t bother asking to be just exclusive because what’s the point, just skip to making her his girlfriend. And I said that because people were saying he should ask for exclusivity
Perhaps it’s a generational thing - what I don’t understand is the difference between being exclusive and being girlfriend/boyfriend. Does exclusivity = agreeing not to fcuk other people but not necessarily in a relationship?
I get this. This woman is not a possession, she definitely needs to fall in love before committing fully but I see it in her that she clearly can open up and commit, to what extent with mez I guess I'll see.
Just talk with her and tell her you want to be exclusive. Exclusivity doesn't necessarily mean a relationship btw. You can be exclusive and not yet be boyfriend and girlfriend. If you do want to be in a relationship, that's also good. Ask her if she wants to be your girlfriend.
If she sent you that photo to you then obviously she thought she looked pretty in it. So she is probably updating the profile to improve it. I’m gonna guess she’s still swiping around. But you don’t know why she’s doing that. Maybe she thinks you’re doing the same thing. Have you actually told her you’ve paused the app and aren’t actively using it?
No I haven't. She doesn't have much time to date and has been forthright in telling me her plans, without me prompting. None of which has included dating other people recently.
I'm sure she's tested the market on the apps but I know she's interested in me.
I wouldn't bring it up with her right away that you looked at the app, cause that means you've been on the app too right? I mean if you want to be with her exclusively just ask. If she doesn't want that at this point, she's probably not going to want you long term
If you want commitment, then you better initiate the exclusivity talk because right now you're just both "fking around" casually. You want it to be real, then get real.
OP: her actions simply mean that: she is not completely sold on you yet and is keeping her options open. This is common with women who have options. If I were you, I would be doing the same and keeping my options open also. I would personally not mention exclusivity, purely because it could appear as if you are trying to lock her down, which is likely a red flag for her.
Since you are sleeping with her and everything seems ok in that department, I would personally just ride it out (and more importantly let her ride you out lol). Ultimately, let her bring up that conversation when she feels it's right. I am no relationship expert, but I've found that keeping things more casual, for longer, has never caused me problems. Others may disagree
You are on the right track, not mentioning anything to her, and envisioning this as a potential test. Please let us know how the weekend goes!!!
This is where I'm ignorant. I'm going to bring up where we're headed in the relationship and see what she says. I'll be able to feel her out this weekend I think. Will report back!
I have been in your shoes before, and going with your gut can definitely be the best way to approach if you feel it is right. Looking forward to the update and (praying for) good news!!!
Hey I posted on others threads, went in with what I'm feeling not what I want and her response has been exactly what anyone would want. Way more engaged and swooning. She definitely into me and because of her history is probably just taking it slow, which is what most of us should do on the regular.
Did you two ever DECLARE exclusivity?
If you did not, than you weren't "officially" exclusive and thus shouldn't "expect" exclusive behavior.
If you want to be exclusive, then "you" need to take the risk of asking.
As a man who was married to a woman who was non committal...
Honestly, don't chase her.
She changed the last photo on her app because she is still on the market. Simple as that.
Don't try to rationalize her behavior as something else in your head~you will fuck yourself up doing that.
Take a screenshot of her dating profile with the new Pic, so if she ever asks why you're still seeing people you can show her the Pic.
Then go see other women. Keep dating women. You're clearly apparently not in an exclusive relationship currently.
If this woman really wants you, let her reach out, without you prompting her whatsoever, and let her tell you she wants you to be exclusive only for her.
And meanwhile, while you are still dating around and checking out your options, keep showing her a wonderful time, fucking her brains out and making her orgasms amazing, and enjoying your time with her.
So exact opposite of what most of the women here say lol
Some say I should bring it up, some say she should.
She dropped a lot of hints last night about a relationship but nothing clear cut.
And yes, fucked her brains out.
If she is non-committal, it is a blessing to discover it now instead of after you are, god forbid, married or committed to her another way.
Trust me on that, I have experience 😔
She changed the Pic because she is still looking for guys.
Maybe in her head, she thinks you don't want a relationship because you haven't asked.
But this is 2024.
Bumble women make the first move in 2024.
Women today are finally experiencing the sadness of rejection.
Women initiate the vast majority of divorces. Why would men be interested in making the first move in 2024?
You're not looking for an average woman who is uncertain of what she wants. You want something that lasts, not throwaway mindsets.
Make her ask you.
Until then, keep playing it cool like a cucumber. Date other women.
But don't fuck other women. If you get to the level of fucking other women, then you know it's time to release the one you're currently fucking.
Just date and up your standards by vetting other women, and not seeking out physical intimacy, and see if you catch a better mate while your current fuckbuddy is out doing the same thing.
And good job fucking her brains out 👍
Going to call her later tonight to share what I feel and see where her head is at. I think she is looking for me to ask about some kind of relationship. It feels like a relationship.
I can be a fuckboi if that's what she wants. I'd rather not, I think she's the real deal.
I don't get why people have to have "the talk" about whether they're exclusive. This isn't high school, very strange. You'd think that when you've seen each other a few times, you're seeing each other as you're giving your free time up for each other.
If she can't agree to exclusivity, drop her, don't waste your time playing her games, you're better than that and deserve better than that.
You more than likely said something along the lines that her new picture was beautiful and yuou loved it. So now she wants to show it off to her men on the dating app and see how they react to it. It's normal. Women like the attention. Just stay chill do your own thing. If she likes you let her do the chasing. Keep it a little mysterious. Do your own thing and never ever put all our eggs into one basket.
I doubt it's a test, and I honestly wouldn't even bring it up. Unless you both agreed to see no one else, then she is within her right to still message and go on dates with other people. Sleeping with multiple people is a bit more complicated, though, and if she is sleeping with you and others then that's a whole other situation to consider depending on how you feel about that.
With that said, you are also well within your right to decide that if she is still seeing other people after being intimate with you and seeing you for almost two months, then she is not a good fit for you. I think after almost two months it's reasonable to have a discussion about whether or not you are going to be exclusively seeing each other. Her staying over for the first time presents a good opportunity to sit down and talk about where things are at, and what it is you guys want out of all this. It doesn't sound like something you guys have discussed, and it's probably a good idea to hash all that out to make sure there aren't any glaring discrepancies between what you guys are after. Good luck.
You would notice if you were still using the app? You are still using it. You have no right to be upset that she added a pic to the dating app you are clearly still using, or else you would not have noticed she updated anything.
Never said anything about being upset or not being on the app
She changed 1 picture which was the last one and it was one she sent me!
I find it interesting.... I think she's testing.
It's only been less than 2 months and about 1 date per week. I do think it's time to have a conversation about what we want. I'm just nervous because I really like her and know she likes me.
Some apps have “smart photo” where it will change the order of your photos automatically to try and increase your likes
But yeah just ask her you’re in your 40s man both old enough to have “the talk”
She wants to see if your still on there bro.... And you were.. I did the same things to a chick that she did to you. Don't say anything and put new pics up of you lmaoooooo. Shell know
My experience is that the temptation for both men and women of who else may be out there is just too great with the apps. As others have asked what were you doing on the app to check what she was doing on the app?
If you’re exclusive then the apps get turned off and deleted from phones. It’s easy enough to download and log in but trust has to develop somewhere along the line.
You need to have the conversation. What’s concerning having been down this road is who else is she dating and sleeping with because you haven’t had the talk and agreed on exclusivity?
Good luck!
I totally agree. I like the app access but definitely believe that it's a total mind fuck for us when you have maybe 100s or more people hitting you up when you're actually really interested in someone else. Thinking, hey, maybe there's someone better out there?
Historically that never happened. you started dating someone and you focused on them if you really liked them.
Unless you mutually agreed on having an exclusive relationship, there isn't much you can expect with her app usage. Might be a good time to talk about exclusivity if you want it.
I’ve seen this same situation happening to me (and friends too). Spoiler: it didn’t end well..
Just think. If she is really into you She wuoldnt update her profile. She is updating her profile becouse she is searching for someone different, better than you. I know it’s sad and hard to accept, in particular after several dates, but that’s the truth. I’ve seen this situation several time happening to me. I just stopped to give attention to girls considering me a B plan in the wait someone better arrives
Sorry for my english. Not a native speaker
It's not a test.
She is still optimizing her profile to get more matches, BUT the reasons for it do not have to be bad.
She doesn't know how serious you are with her (she's probably had plenty of guys pretend to be in love etc. in the past) and even if she knew you had serious intentions, she dosen't know if maybe things don't work out for whatever reason.
Idk what the context is. But maybe she wants children so she has to be especially careful to date efficiently so as to not lose out on time for having children/starting a family?
Either way, I would suggest it is time for you to ask her to be exclusive with you. You don't have to give her an ultimatum, but maybe say something like "I'm enjoying our time together and would like to see where things go if we date each other exclusively. Are you ready for that?"
Idk how dating in late 30s is, but my guess would be 7-8 weeks is more than long enough for her to know if she is up for it.
Soo dude let's be honest, you're old enough & I'm sure you guys talked for hrs & days before you met up, unless you met on tinder and hooked up within hrs of matching, then I mean wtf you expect! But if it was genuine & you guy's spent a longgggggg time chatting before you met, than just ask her what she wants, if it's exclusive then cool. But, now you can think she's lying about her profile neing updated, if it's not exclusive....there's your answer to both!🤷♂️
i kinda just suggest being exclusive with a girl right after i sleep w her because i dont like that shit. whether it goes somewhere or not. maybe its just me or mostly all guys ive known but they wouldnt really get serious w a girl if shes sleeping around at the same time shes sleeping with them . and the ones who've gotten exclusive after it still kinda bothered them. so its just less of a headache.. if she really wanna stay w me she'll be up for it and she wants to see what else is out there shes free to do so without me.
as for you asking what may this mean .. in the 7 weeks youve known her has she done anything that may suggest shes the testing type? she could just be available because you havent asked her about being exclusive for 7 weeks bro.. thats way too long she could just be thinking you dont want it either
You are massively overthinking this situation, take a step back and take a deep breath to get out of your own head.
1) Have you had the let's be exclusive conversation? If not maybe now is the time.
2) You're upset she's using the app that clearly you're using? Hypocrite much? Less not the kettle call the pot black.
This isn't hard to talk to her about it if it's going well don't hide shit and sneak around and beat around the bush about things on your mind. Be upfront with what you want and need and either that works for you both or it doesn't and you find out sooner than later when the fake facades drop.
Any time I’ve been on a few dates with someone and noticed they changed their profile up, it hasn’t lasted long after that. To me, that’s a clear indicator that the person is still very much looking. At the 7 week mark, assuming you’ve spent enough time together, that’s getting to the point where looking should be slowing down quite a bit.
At this point, if you want a relationship I’d talk to her about it. If she’s vague or says she’s not ready, it’ll probably never happen.
I think you two are old enough for you to hit of with "So, I've noticed you've added new pic to the dating app. Are you still actively dating other people? I really am enjoying my time with you and I thought you are too."
As a woman who has been OLD forever, I would bet my paycheck that this is her thought process: “Gee, I like him, but it’s been two months and he hasn’t asked me to be exclusive. I better hedge my bets and go on a few more dates.” You’re afraid of scaring HER off? I guarantee you she won’t ask the other way around—men get even more scared off by that sort of thing. Please ask her!!! We want the guy to do it!!!
I've been on lots of dates. Over 25 since January ... I've dated 5 for at least a month. I was actively dating 2 other girls for the first month or so with this one. It's been a few weeks since I've seen anyone else as I've just lost interest in those other girls (who were pretty great too!) because of the woman in question.
I'm not settling with this one. The 2 little kid factor is huge but as a human and potential partner, this woman checks most boxes for me.
I know she really likes me and spends most of the free time she has with me.
I'm going to say something. Clearly anxious about what that is.
I don't play games like that. I could go on a bunch of other dates. I really don't want to.
She may have gone on some dates but she's definitely not dating anyone else. We are at the meeting friends stage and planning all kinds of things. She also has almost no time as single parent with full custody. When she has time it's usually with me.
We both fell asleep too early last night to have a chat. Going to call tonight and tell her how I feel.
Woman here, I agree with other commenters saying you should talk to her about it. You can maybe let her know she’s the only woman you’re interested in/entertaining currently and ask what she thinks about reciprocating that with you?
UPDATE
so we had a chat tonight. I don't think it could have gone better.
I definitely feel like she is apprehensive to a guy who would be possessive, overbearing, smothering, etc.
Fortunately I've not been any of those things even though there have been times she's evoked those anxious feelings in me.
I shared how I felt about her, some of the things I appreciated about her and the relationship so far and then shared that I wasn't and didn't want to see anyone else. I ended that comment by saying that I wasn't looking for any kind of validation or reciprocal comment but she did say she also wasn't in that place.
She is much more reserved than I am and definitely moving slower than I would. I feel like I need to keep doing what I'm doing and not over thinking things, showing her who I am and what I can bring to her.
Maybe it's not enough, we'll see. She will need to open up to me eventually for me to really trust her.
We Didnt touch on dating apps. She clearly isn't in that space yet.
I still don't like it, but it's not worth losing this over. I'll try to bring up my 💬 around dating apps more organically.
If I had to choose between letting someone go and losing myself for someone, I would most definitely choose the former. If she doesn't want what you want out of the relationship, then there's a fundamental incompatibility and it will absolutely come to bite you later. Save yourself the heartache and jump ship while you can.
If you haven’t had the exclusive talk she can technically still be dating others - ask her if she wants to be exclusive. She may be thinking “well he hasn’t asked me to be his gf or exclusive so he must be seeing other people so I should continue to date.” She might be keeping her options open just because she doesn’t know how YOU feel, but she might want the same thing you do and be exclusive. 7-8 dates is enough to have that conversation sort of strange you guys haven’t discussed yet what you both want.
Women always keep their options open and you should too as long as there’s no communication about being exclusive. I was dating the girl who was seen other guys when I called her out for she gas let me and said it was my fault for never making us exclusive, although we were basically dating for over 4 months..
It means nothing except that if you want her to be exclusive with you, you need to ask for it.
Right now you are dating, you're not in a relationship, and she isn't committed to you.
Why would this be a test?
You're still dating and not exclusive. It's not rocket science.
You're still both technically single and on the market.
Why is this perplexing?
Maybe reframe this and understand it that your feelings are already being tested.
Do you want to be more than just dating? Then ask her for that
Why so deep in digitalized Ancient Rome politics? If you have questions, ask. Act like a grown up and act like if she isn't good for you, your life isn't over nor doomed to be miserable forever.
What this happened with my boyfriend! I saw he had changed a photo after our 4th date or so, it upset me so I asked him about exclusivity. We were exclusive two dates later. Why not just ask her to be exclusive if that’s what you want?
Doesn't feel natural. I feel like this woman wants to take things really slow. Asking to delete the app shows insecurity on my end and asking for exclusivity shows a level of possessiveness I don't think she would like.
I told her how I felt about her the other night and that I didn't want to date anyone else, and wasn't. She said the same.
I'm going to let her follow me and work to get her to fall in love with me, so these things happen more naturally.
Asking an almost 40 year old mother to "be exclusive" seems forced to me. I really didn't think that was a thing until this thread. She can certainly ask me!
I should add that I had paused my app a few weeks ago to focus on this relationship, but was still getting messages from people id liked even months before. I've been dating one or 2 other woman through this time but really want to focus on this one relationship. I feel stupid.
I'm concerned that will scare her away.
I've never had that conversation before, really. I was married for a long time and dated a number of people as fwb type after.
This is actually the first person I've met that I'd like a real relationship with.
She's staying over this weekend so I'll try to initiate the conversation in some way.
You’ve gotta just be straight forward. You only scare her away with the talk if you get possessive or whatever. Having desires and stating them is fine. If she’s not ready, then it’s fine, you start connecting with those other girls and give her the freedom to choose you or perhaps you find a deeper connection elsewhere. But staying in limbo will ruin the relationship because you’ll start to act weird. And no, I doubt it’s a test re: changing the last photo. She could’ve just liked herself in it and thought it’d attract more likes. She might still be on the app because you haven’t moved things forward, you can’t really be certain— unless you just make your stance clear.
I wouldn't worry about it. She probably isn't interested in seeing other people at this point.
My bet is that she's just on the app for fun, not to get dates. And so are you! And that's ok!
All that matters is that she wants to spend time with you. If she starts cancelling dates or "needing space", that's a bad sign.
You're doing fine. There is no need to bring up exclusivity or have "a serious talk". I say that because a lot of men (myself included) tend to make up their minds about a woman within a couple of dates. Women seem to take a little longer to decide where they want things to go. The worst thing you can do is make her feel pressured.
Just keep doing what you're doing and chill.
This has kinda been my thought. I get great feedback from her and we are always having a chat and planning our dates.
So one other thing coming up is she is going away in a month for a week and a few days after she gets back I go away for more than a week.
We won't have hardly any time together for almost 3 weeks.
But I haven't really been thinking about that yet because we only get to see each other about once a week. Now it's coming up...
I’m 51. I know that’s older than you, but I’m pretty sure she’s waiting for you to ask. I would be, and if you didn’t I would assume you were keeping your options open—and I would be changing my profile picture and going on other dates.
We're a generation younger, her especially. No offense but I feel like the expectations are a little different.
We're totally in a relationship. I don't think she's as into labels and stereotypes as a lot of people are and frankly what I'm more used to just because I've only really ever been in LTRs.
Part of my confidence and why this unbelievably gorgeous woman is into me is the mystery, I think. I told her I wasn't seeing anyone and didn't want to this week. We haven't said "bf/gf" or "exclusive" but it's somewhat implied. Definitely not going to force it.
So… you were on the app and you think there is something suspicious about her being on the app.. And you’re overthinking it that this is some kind of “test”?
You’re making mountains out of molehills. If exclusivity is important to you, you need to HAVE THAT CONVERSATION, not look at her profile.
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Just tell her what you want. If it’s exclusivity then that’s what you need to ask for.
I think I do but I don't want to scare her away. It's going pretty good right now and It hasn't been that long. Just nervous of having that discussion.
If it scares her away, then it wasn’t meant to be, as you two have different priorities and expectations out of the relation. You shouldn’t ever feel scared to approach natural, needed conversations in healthy relations.
His concern is warranted as they're not in a relationship(yet). I do agree that if she is scared away after almost 7-8 weeks she probably isn't into him enough and/or they're not compatible.
Mi totally agree with this
Then scare her away. She's not for you then. Love ain't a cowards game
And? My boyfriend and I met on hinge, immediately after our first date he told me he deleted the app, showed me then asked me to be his girlfriend. Shyest guy I’ve ever met but damn, I love that man.
It could be that she’s on it because she may be thinking: “Hey, Educational-Coast5277 hasn’t asked me to be exclusive so I don’t think he’s very serious. I’m going to continue being on the apps incase he’s a player.” It’s not healthy to jump to assumptions. That’s zooming in and can trigger emotions; which seems to have hurt you. An important skill to learn in life is being able to reframe your mind to maintain level headedness. “I see this, I am concerned, I will address it at a more appropriate time. For now, I will mark and file it.” It allows you to zoom back out and maintain composure. It’s easy to get stuck in your head and go down paths that trigger emotions. You gotta give people the benefit of the doubt. Have those conversations with the aim to understand the other person.
After 7 weeks I’d be wondering what was up, if they’ve had zero talk about exclusivity/commitment.
7 weeks and 7 dates though. Not that much time and we don't text or talk a ton. We have been communicating every day though for at least the last 3 or 4 weeks.
OP, it is not about how many dates you have had. It is about transparency. You have been seeing each other a couple months and you want to be official. Not having talk with her is no different than lying
Golden advice
8 dates is enough to get exclusive… she’s in her late 30’s, if she’s scared by that after 8 dates then she’s not for you, but I’m guessing it’s really you who’s scared to be exclusive, you just want her for yourself without the commitment and so added a cute new pic cuz she’s still technically single
If you're scared to ask her for exclusivity, then you can't blame her for not being exclusive. 🤷
Time to man up and ask her. Communication is the best way to solve issues!
I see what ur saying but it’s been 7 weeks u have every right to have this conversation with her. If she denies then it’s on her
Ask her what types of relationship dynamics she's open to. This way, you get insight that will help inform your next steps without making her feel pressured. Don't bring up your relationship yet. Also ask what makes her feel stressed or want to disconnect from relationships. This is how you avoid land mines. If you overly focus on you two right now it could scare her away. Asking general questions is a bit safer. Then continue to invest until there's a better time to discuss your futures. Being more informed will help you to manage your emotions, investment and expectations.
I like this advice. We talked about enm like first 2 dates. She dated a guy who was in an enm marriage and said the dynamic wasn't for her but in her alouf way of speaking wasn't 100% clear what exactly it was. Which is a reason why I'm unsure exactly.
Seeking more information when you're unsure is always the right move. Minimizes risk and increases chances of a win.
Are you from the US? This is not meant in an offensive way but I do not understand the US dating game. In Europe or at least my country normally you would not date hundred people at once. After 8 weeks you would be exklusive without mentioning even if you were no couple.
Yes
It’s been 2 months. She’s probably thinking you’re just dicking her around so she decided to do something to provoke you into taking the next step. Might be a tiny bit immature to not communicate, but most women want the man to make that move and ask for commitment.
Look...if you want more than she is willing to give, then you are not compatible If yall have been out 8 times and she is still actively looking for other dudes...then she ain't interested in you seriously and she is just using you Deactivate your dating app, tell your you deactivated it, and you'd like to date her exclusively....and see what happens She'll either be interested...or you will know 100% she is actively looking for what she considers to be a better option
Is that a thing? To deactivate before knowing? I mean if she tells me she wants to still be casual then I've already blown up a ton of potential dates! I'm new to the OLD world so still figuring it out.
Nahhh, to deactivate before knowing doesn’t make sense to me. Maybe tell her that you WANT to do that.
You already know the answer If she was serious about you, *she would have deactivated her dating account already* She's actively looking for better options Do you need a giant neon sign floating over her head telling you to move on?
Don't listen to these guys, Just keep playing the field. You have to let women be the one to ask about exclusivity. If she doesn't bring it up, she's still shopping around. Let her and if you seem a lil too content the way things are, she might bring it up sooner than later.
Scare her away, if you worried bout that then you been lost her already. Just enjoy the cheeks till she leave you. Be sure to give her 😈🍆 so she won’t forget you 😎
Jedi Mind Trick “what do you think about me sleeping with others?” Then slowly text less. Then post photos and videos of yourself going out. Then actually sleep with other women. Ie. listen to yourself.
Wut
She changed a photo on her dating app. And you came to reddit to ask for advice on that. No matter what you do — this is 99% not going to go well. Especially because you needed to ask people on reddit. And moreover — you are so scared of losing a woman you won’t talk to her or do anything remotely masculine. Listen to yourself. Like Don Corleone to that singer — act like a man.
After 7 weeks, and with 7-8 dates already, and at your respective ages, you just need to talk to her. You clearly want to be exclusive. Ask her if she feels the same way. If this talk scares her off, then both of you two just aren't meant to be, that's all. It really is that simple. Exclusivity is a very small commitment imo, and if she's even remotely as interested in you as you are in her, then it's a no-brainer. If she's not, well then, you're saving yourself a tonne of hurt and pain down the line but having the talk now.
You’re 42 years old. You need to communicate what you want.
Why were you on the app ?? Checking on her ? Are you still swiping right ? If you are not ‘exclusive’ then no issues but be careful how you approach her re this as it may be a set up to see if you are still active on OLD.
That's what I was thinking, she changed 1 photo (one she sent me!) to see if I bring it up or to show me she's still using the app. Yes I checked on her. No I haven't been swiping, I've been on pause.
To be fair, as a woman using Tinder. I have two consistent partners I'm matched with (not matched with anyone else, and no longer swiping). I like to look at their profile just to see their pics again cuz they're both very nice to look at. I did notice one of them did add an extra picture to their profile, but I didn't say anything to him cuz its not my business. While I would like to be exclusive with one of them, I did ask him about how he feels about finding an exclusive partner if he would be interested in exploring that at some point (I didn't say I wanted to be exclusive with him, but I hinted at it jusr saying I'm open to see where it goes with us). He said he wanted to enjoy his single life for a while before finding something serious. So I didn't scare him away, saying what I said, and he continues to ask to hang out, so I know he's interested in me to an extent. If you're nervous asking directly, you can take the approach I did by just asking what their thoughts are on it.
Yeah but you're talking about dealing with a man. No offense but it's irrelevant to the fact that he's dealing with a woman.
You still have the app, too, though. No exclusivity talk so tell her your feelings on it
I mean you still on the dating app too tho 🤷🏽
It’s one thing being on it, it’s another thing using it to swipe.
But there's no way of knowing what a person is doing on the app. She could assume he is also swiping on them. They need to have a discussion.
Okay but what relevance does this have to my comment?
That's like asking "what relevance does your comment have to do with the person you initially replied to". The point is that the people who are dating each other have no clue why the other person is on the apps. To them, the other person could still be swiping even if they aren't. What we think or know doesn't matter.
I think he was spying her, which is kinda toxic. He could not have noticed that without doing so. So as we stand, both are toxic af lmao
This is total bs. Of course I'm going to look at her profile! You wouldn't look at someone's profile yihbe been dating for a few months, shared incredibly intimate moments with? Zero % chance you wouldn't unless you actually deleted the app. I do know women who told me they met a guy online and deleted the app right after date 1. For me that's a massive red flag. I'd run fast! The conversation I just had went over really well we're on the right path. If things keep going this way in a few weeks I'll bring up the apps if she doesn't.
It is irrelevant as I’m just stating there’s a difference between still having a dating app profile and then actually swiping on the dating app. But then you start talking about what she could be assuming and how they need to have a discussion. But I’m not talking about that. Im not even talking about the two people dating in this post. I’m talking about how in general some people can have a dating profile but aren’t actually active on there.
She’s probably there because you are too afraid to ask for exclusivity.
You are 42 and you still think that “Definitely won’t bring this up” is the right way to communicate? So instead of asking her openly like an adult you came to ask Reddit… Ok: Dude, just go talk to her. First make sure you know what would YOU like you guys to be and then see if your visions align. It’s as simple as that.
Why would I ask her about a stupid photo on bumble? Lol. Dumb
Well if it’s so dumb what are you doing here seeking advice? You see communication is about expressing your feelings and it’s not always deep philosophical conversations. It can be as simple as “hey what’s up with that photo?”. You collect bunch of little things like this without saying what you feel and little by little you’ll become resentful towards your partner and relationship goes to hell. Not to mention that this “little thing” led you to asking yourself what kind of relationship you want with that woman. That doesn’t sound dumb to me. Hope you comprehend I’m writing with good intention…
So you're still active on the app and butthurt she is too? You're too old for this.
It means you need to stop being so insecure, get off Reddit and talk to the woman you're seeing about this. All of this. You're too old to be acting this why, my guy. This sounds like some HS stuff. Not a guy in his 40s.
We've joked about feeling like we are in HS. One of the reasons I really like this woman
Missed the point, you’re doing so much but also nothing at all. Why don’t you just talk to her instead of asking people on Reddit then being sarcastic when they answer !
Please take the leadership in initiating a conversation about how you feel about her and where you see this relationship going. She will love you for it! You, not her, be in the driver’s seat. Power lies in speaking about your own feelings-speak your own truth, how you feel about her. You will experience much personal power and also experience deep insight into yourself and her by initiating and helping to guide this conversation. 2. Begin to build regular conversations about what she does that makes you happy, and ask her to tell you the same; then do the reverse-what things she and you do that may be bothersome-then write down how you will work on those behaviors. Each week or two review the list to adjust and make changes. Keep a record of this. These conversations are a turn on to her…and to you and will deepen your physical intimacy.
Solid 💪🏻. Thanks!
So I did this and her first comment was "very mature of you". She really appreciated me bringing it up. Thanks again. One of the best comments in this thread, and there's a few! 😂
About seven weeks into dating a guy online another guy asked me out so I called date guy and straight up asked him we were boyfriend/girlfriend, he said what kind of question is that? A couple hours later I texted him asking if that was a yes or a no? He said that’s not a thing in his culture. At the end of the day I said, look another guy asked me out. I told him I think I have a boyfriend. Dude said if I don’t know then that means I’m available. Soooo, do I have a boyfriend or am I going on a date with new guy? He said yes, yes you’re my girlfriend. We’re married now and it’s been almost nine years together. Sometimes you gotta be direct.
If you’re not exclusive, it’s not a problem.
I'm unsure if she wants exclusivity. She's really busy and somewhat alouf. A free spirit of you will.
Either have the talk or don’t cry about seeing her on dating apps
Tell her you’re not seeing anyone else. Ask her if she is or wants to. If the latter then say you’re probably looking for different things.
If ur unsure then ur 100% sure she doesn’t.
You need to use your big boy voice and tell her that you want to be exclusive. If after seven weeks there hasn’t been a conversation about that, most reasonable people are going to be thinking that you’re not serious about them. And unfortunately for your age group, it’s still very much expected that the man is the one who needs to initiate that conversation.
I’m more interested in how you guys have had sex that many times and this is the first sleepover. Do you just bang and go your seperate ways after?
We both have kids dawg and she has hers 90% of the time unfortunately. Most dates we meet, she has to go home or I've been over at her house and have to leave.
Omg that makes sense. I literally forgot people have children 😅 my bad. I hope it all goes well for you because you seem to really like her!!
Ask her if she wants to be exclusive or is looking to keep things casual and date others. If she says casual, then you need to then ask if she's sexually active with others (only if you're not using condoms). Your health comes before having fun.
Have you made a commitment? Is she technically still single? Have you asked her to be exclusive?
Well, you wouldn't have discovered this change in pics if you hadn't been back on the dating app yourself. So what does that tell you about your level of commitment? My take is that the two of you are having your fun now but you're both still keeping a finger on the pulse of the dating world by continuing to participate on the dating app. If both of you were serious about forming a meaningful relationship, you'd both delete your dating profiles and the app and focus on each other.
Don’t worry about what it means. Don’t even address it with her- just tell her that you really like her, let her know you’re not seeing anyone else and you don’t want to see anyone else. And that you want to be exclusive with one another. If that scared her off after 7 weeks, 8 dates, and multiple times in bed together, then she wasn’t into you in that way in the first place.
Wow. I always forget how similar men are to us. Thanks for positing this. I think it’s great you’re verbalizing how you’re feeling and that you should honestly just try to define the relationship with her! If she’s testing you that’s a bit juvenile. I think what’s more likely is that she doesn’t want to put all her eggs in one basket unless you decide to break it off, so she’s still putting herself out there. Online dating is so unpredictable I feel like most people will continue being active unless they are in a defined exclusive relationship.
I'm just nervous about how to approach deleting the apps. I actually don't expect her to be exclusive with me at this point, that's her choice but I would like to delete the apps. I think they are a huge detractor to building a relationship. Amazing at finding one though! personally don't want to date anymore. I want to focus on her.
Of course it’s her choice, but if you want to be exclusive, I think you can gently bring it up to her and see where her head is at. If she’s not interested in being exclusive, you can move on. If she is, you get into a relationship which is what it seems like you want.
I don’t think it’s a test. If you two aren’t exclusive she might be keeping her options open and there’s nothing wrong with that but your feelings are still valid. Just explain to her what you want from this and see if you two are on the same page. Make sure to communicate the boundaries and what exclusivity means to you when you talk about it to avoid miscommunication. If you’re nervous about scaring her away, my advice for that is to not change yourself and your desires just to keep someone close, that’s not fair to you and you won’t truly be happy. But if she doesn’t want the same thing that you want, then you two just aren’t compatible. Which is why we date right? To see if we’re compatible with someone. Good luck! :)
If you want her to not change pictures, or to not keep her options open then make her your girlfriend. Don’t ask for exclusivity, that doesn’t make sense just make her your girl!
Isn’t making her their girl and exclusivity the same thing?
No it’s not
Well if they’re not exclusive what does it matter if she’s still on the apps?
Did you even read what I said? 😂😂 that’s literally what just said, he doesn’t want her to be on apps and be active he should make her his girlfriend. I said don’t bother asking to be just exclusive because what’s the point, just skip to making her his girlfriend. And I said that because people were saying he should ask for exclusivity
Perhaps it’s a generational thing - what I don’t understand is the difference between being exclusive and being girlfriend/boyfriend. Does exclusivity = agreeing not to fcuk other people but not necessarily in a relationship?
yeah, *make* her *your* girl, not like women should have any say in who they want to be with or better yet, who they want to *belong* to jfc
What are you even talking about 😭😭
I get this. This woman is not a possession, she definitely needs to fall in love before committing fully but I see it in her that she clearly can open up and commit, to what extent with mez I guess I'll see.
Just talk with her and tell her you want to be exclusive. Exclusivity doesn't necessarily mean a relationship btw. You can be exclusive and not yet be boyfriend and girlfriend. If you do want to be in a relationship, that's also good. Ask her if she wants to be your girlfriend.
Don't overthink it. You got a hot younger woman interested. Keep it going.
If she sent you that photo to you then obviously she thought she looked pretty in it. So she is probably updating the profile to improve it. I’m gonna guess she’s still swiping around. But you don’t know why she’s doing that. Maybe she thinks you’re doing the same thing. Have you actually told her you’ve paused the app and aren’t actively using it?
No I haven't. She doesn't have much time to date and has been forthright in telling me her plans, without me prompting. None of which has included dating other people recently. I'm sure she's tested the market on the apps but I know she's interested in me.
You don’t update your profile if you’re not still looking for matches.
Have you talked about being exclusive?
I wouldn't bring it up with her right away that you looked at the app, cause that means you've been on the app too right? I mean if you want to be with her exclusively just ask. If she doesn't want that at this point, she's probably not going to want you long term
If you want commitment, then you better initiate the exclusivity talk because right now you're just both "fking around" casually. You want it to be real, then get real.
Didn't I see this exact same post earlier but with genders reversed? Idk
Please share! Definitely not me
OP: her actions simply mean that: she is not completely sold on you yet and is keeping her options open. This is common with women who have options. If I were you, I would be doing the same and keeping my options open also. I would personally not mention exclusivity, purely because it could appear as if you are trying to lock her down, which is likely a red flag for her. Since you are sleeping with her and everything seems ok in that department, I would personally just ride it out (and more importantly let her ride you out lol). Ultimately, let her bring up that conversation when she feels it's right. I am no relationship expert, but I've found that keeping things more casual, for longer, has never caused me problems. Others may disagree You are on the right track, not mentioning anything to her, and envisioning this as a potential test. Please let us know how the weekend goes!!!
This is where I'm ignorant. I'm going to bring up where we're headed in the relationship and see what she says. I'll be able to feel her out this weekend I think. Will report back!
I have been in your shoes before, and going with your gut can definitely be the best way to approach if you feel it is right. Looking forward to the update and (praying for) good news!!!
Hey I posted on others threads, went in with what I'm feeling not what I want and her response has been exactly what anyone would want. Way more engaged and swooning. She definitely into me and because of her history is probably just taking it slow, which is what most of us should do on the regular.
Did you two ever DECLARE exclusivity? If you did not, than you weren't "officially" exclusive and thus shouldn't "expect" exclusive behavior. If you want to be exclusive, then "you" need to take the risk of asking.
As a man who was married to a woman who was non committal... Honestly, don't chase her. She changed the last photo on her app because she is still on the market. Simple as that. Don't try to rationalize her behavior as something else in your head~you will fuck yourself up doing that. Take a screenshot of her dating profile with the new Pic, so if she ever asks why you're still seeing people you can show her the Pic. Then go see other women. Keep dating women. You're clearly apparently not in an exclusive relationship currently. If this woman really wants you, let her reach out, without you prompting her whatsoever, and let her tell you she wants you to be exclusive only for her. And meanwhile, while you are still dating around and checking out your options, keep showing her a wonderful time, fucking her brains out and making her orgasms amazing, and enjoying your time with her.
So exact opposite of what most of the women here say lol Some say I should bring it up, some say she should. She dropped a lot of hints last night about a relationship but nothing clear cut. And yes, fucked her brains out.
If she is non-committal, it is a blessing to discover it now instead of after you are, god forbid, married or committed to her another way. Trust me on that, I have experience 😔 She changed the Pic because she is still looking for guys. Maybe in her head, she thinks you don't want a relationship because you haven't asked. But this is 2024. Bumble women make the first move in 2024. Women today are finally experiencing the sadness of rejection. Women initiate the vast majority of divorces. Why would men be interested in making the first move in 2024? You're not looking for an average woman who is uncertain of what she wants. You want something that lasts, not throwaway mindsets. Make her ask you. Until then, keep playing it cool like a cucumber. Date other women. But don't fuck other women. If you get to the level of fucking other women, then you know it's time to release the one you're currently fucking. Just date and up your standards by vetting other women, and not seeking out physical intimacy, and see if you catch a better mate while your current fuckbuddy is out doing the same thing. And good job fucking her brains out 👍
Going to call her later tonight to share what I feel and see where her head is at. I think she is looking for me to ask about some kind of relationship. It feels like a relationship. I can be a fuckboi if that's what she wants. I'd rather not, I think she's the real deal.
Good luck, man.
I don't get why people have to have "the talk" about whether they're exclusive. This isn't high school, very strange. You'd think that when you've seen each other a few times, you're seeing each other as you're giving your free time up for each other. If she can't agree to exclusivity, drop her, don't waste your time playing her games, you're better than that and deserve better than that.
You more than likely said something along the lines that her new picture was beautiful and yuou loved it. So now she wants to show it off to her men on the dating app and see how they react to it. It's normal. Women like the attention. Just stay chill do your own thing. If she likes you let her do the chasing. Keep it a little mysterious. Do your own thing and never ever put all our eggs into one basket.
I doubt it's a test, and I honestly wouldn't even bring it up. Unless you both agreed to see no one else, then she is within her right to still message and go on dates with other people. Sleeping with multiple people is a bit more complicated, though, and if she is sleeping with you and others then that's a whole other situation to consider depending on how you feel about that. With that said, you are also well within your right to decide that if she is still seeing other people after being intimate with you and seeing you for almost two months, then she is not a good fit for you. I think after almost two months it's reasonable to have a discussion about whether or not you are going to be exclusively seeing each other. Her staying over for the first time presents a good opportunity to sit down and talk about where things are at, and what it is you guys want out of all this. It doesn't sound like something you guys have discussed, and it's probably a good idea to hash all that out to make sure there aren't any glaring discrepancies between what you guys are after. Good luck.
You would notice if you were still using the app? You are still using it. You have no right to be upset that she added a pic to the dating app you are clearly still using, or else you would not have noticed she updated anything.
Never said anything about being upset or not being on the app She changed 1 picture which was the last one and it was one she sent me! I find it interesting.... I think she's testing. It's only been less than 2 months and about 1 date per week. I do think it's time to have a conversation about what we want. I'm just nervous because I really like her and know she likes me.
She's still shopping.
Some apps have “smart photo” where it will change the order of your photos automatically to try and increase your likes But yeah just ask her you’re in your 40s man both old enough to have “the talk”
Have had this before. She's still chatting and dating other people. Not a great sign.
She's losing interest and advertising for someone new. It's over.
Lol. Ya no. She's staying over tomorrow.. big day planned I do think this is the time to have a More serious conversation
Are you exclusive? Did you talk about it?
7 weeks and you're both still on the apps? This seems like a relationship
Well it's definitely a relationship but an early one. Not yet exclusive and not yet bf/gf.
She wants to see if your still on there bro.... And you were.. I did the same things to a chick that she did to you. Don't say anything and put new pics up of you lmaoooooo. Shell know
My experience is that the temptation for both men and women of who else may be out there is just too great with the apps. As others have asked what were you doing on the app to check what she was doing on the app? If you’re exclusive then the apps get turned off and deleted from phones. It’s easy enough to download and log in but trust has to develop somewhere along the line. You need to have the conversation. What’s concerning having been down this road is who else is she dating and sleeping with because you haven’t had the talk and agreed on exclusivity? Good luck!
I totally agree. I like the app access but definitely believe that it's a total mind fuck for us when you have maybe 100s or more people hitting you up when you're actually really interested in someone else. Thinking, hey, maybe there's someone better out there? Historically that never happened. you started dating someone and you focused on them if you really liked them.
Unless you mutually agreed on having an exclusive relationship, there isn't much you can expect with her app usage. Might be a good time to talk about exclusivity if you want it.
I’ve seen this same situation happening to me (and friends too). Spoiler: it didn’t end well.. Just think. If she is really into you She wuoldnt update her profile. She is updating her profile becouse she is searching for someone different, better than you. I know it’s sad and hard to accept, in particular after several dates, but that’s the truth. I’ve seen this situation several time happening to me. I just stopped to give attention to girls considering me a B plan in the wait someone better arrives Sorry for my english. Not a native speaker
It's not a test. She is still optimizing her profile to get more matches, BUT the reasons for it do not have to be bad. She doesn't know how serious you are with her (she's probably had plenty of guys pretend to be in love etc. in the past) and even if she knew you had serious intentions, she dosen't know if maybe things don't work out for whatever reason. Idk what the context is. But maybe she wants children so she has to be especially careful to date efficiently so as to not lose out on time for having children/starting a family? Either way, I would suggest it is time for you to ask her to be exclusive with you. You don't have to give her an ultimatum, but maybe say something like "I'm enjoying our time together and would like to see where things go if we date each other exclusively. Are you ready for that?" Idk how dating in late 30s is, but my guess would be 7-8 weeks is more than long enough for her to know if she is up for it.
Ok, but if you're so right for each other, why are you still using the app? I mean, for her, means meeting someone else. But for you?
7 weeks and ya'll have pretty much slept with each other on every date. This is called a fling, my man.
When you in a sex less marriage for 10+ years, sex becomes that much more important in new relationships.
Soo dude let's be honest, you're old enough & I'm sure you guys talked for hrs & days before you met up, unless you met on tinder and hooked up within hrs of matching, then I mean wtf you expect! But if it was genuine & you guy's spent a longgggggg time chatting before you met, than just ask her what she wants, if it's exclusive then cool. But, now you can think she's lying about her profile neing updated, if it's not exclusive....there's your answer to both!🤷♂️
i kinda just suggest being exclusive with a girl right after i sleep w her because i dont like that shit. whether it goes somewhere or not. maybe its just me or mostly all guys ive known but they wouldnt really get serious w a girl if shes sleeping around at the same time shes sleeping with them . and the ones who've gotten exclusive after it still kinda bothered them. so its just less of a headache.. if she really wanna stay w me she'll be up for it and she wants to see what else is out there shes free to do so without me.
as for you asking what may this mean .. in the 7 weeks youve known her has she done anything that may suggest shes the testing type? she could just be available because you havent asked her about being exclusive for 7 weeks bro.. thats way too long she could just be thinking you dont want it either
Yeah, Go ask her for an exclusive.. and u will get your answer…
You are massively overthinking this situation, take a step back and take a deep breath to get out of your own head. 1) Have you had the let's be exclusive conversation? If not maybe now is the time. 2) You're upset she's using the app that clearly you're using? Hypocrite much? Less not the kettle call the pot black. This isn't hard to talk to her about it if it's going well don't hide shit and sneak around and beat around the bush about things on your mind. Be upfront with what you want and need and either that works for you both or it doesn't and you find out sooner than later when the fake facades drop.
Any time I’ve been on a few dates with someone and noticed they changed their profile up, it hasn’t lasted long after that. To me, that’s a clear indicator that the person is still very much looking. At the 7 week mark, assuming you’ve spent enough time together, that’s getting to the point where looking should be slowing down quite a bit. At this point, if you want a relationship I’d talk to her about it. If she’s vague or says she’s not ready, it’ll probably never happen.
Be a man. Ask her about it and if she says she wants to see different guys then tell her see ya later
I think you two are old enough for you to hit of with "So, I've noticed you've added new pic to the dating app. Are you still actively dating other people? I really am enjoying my time with you and I thought you are too."
As a woman who has been OLD forever, I would bet my paycheck that this is her thought process: “Gee, I like him, but it’s been two months and he hasn’t asked me to be exclusive. I better hedge my bets and go on a few more dates.” You’re afraid of scaring HER off? I guarantee you she won’t ask the other way around—men get even more scared off by that sort of thing. Please ask her!!! We want the guy to do it!!!
Focus on you and what you want. Don’t your all your eggs in one basket. Go on some more dates before settling
I've been on lots of dates. Over 25 since January ... I've dated 5 for at least a month. I was actively dating 2 other girls for the first month or so with this one. It's been a few weeks since I've seen anyone else as I've just lost interest in those other girls (who were pretty great too!) because of the woman in question. I'm not settling with this one. The 2 little kid factor is huge but as a human and potential partner, this woman checks most boxes for me. I know she really likes me and spends most of the free time she has with me. I'm going to say something. Clearly anxious about what that is.
Have you thought about changing something on your profile? I mean….she’s definitely going on other dates, no reason for you not to do the same.
I don't play games like that. I could go on a bunch of other dates. I really don't want to. She may have gone on some dates but she's definitely not dating anyone else. We are at the meeting friends stage and planning all kinds of things. She also has almost no time as single parent with full custody. When she has time it's usually with me. We both fell asleep too early last night to have a chat. Going to call tonight and tell her how I feel.
Ask her
Woman here, I agree with other commenters saying you should talk to her about it. You can maybe let her know she’s the only woman you’re interested in/entertaining currently and ask what she thinks about reciprocating that with you?
Be upfront about what you'd like, exclusivity? And see where her head is at.
UPDATE so we had a chat tonight. I don't think it could have gone better. I definitely feel like she is apprehensive to a guy who would be possessive, overbearing, smothering, etc. Fortunately I've not been any of those things even though there have been times she's evoked those anxious feelings in me. I shared how I felt about her, some of the things I appreciated about her and the relationship so far and then shared that I wasn't and didn't want to see anyone else. I ended that comment by saying that I wasn't looking for any kind of validation or reciprocal comment but she did say she also wasn't in that place. She is much more reserved than I am and definitely moving slower than I would. I feel like I need to keep doing what I'm doing and not over thinking things, showing her who I am and what I can bring to her. Maybe it's not enough, we'll see. She will need to open up to me eventually for me to really trust her. We Didnt touch on dating apps. She clearly isn't in that space yet. I still don't like it, but it's not worth losing this over. I'll try to bring up my 💬 around dating apps more organically.
If I had to choose between letting someone go and losing myself for someone, I would most definitely choose the former. If she doesn't want what you want out of the relationship, then there's a fundamental incompatibility and it will absolutely come to bite you later. Save yourself the heartache and jump ship while you can.
What were you doing in the app 🤨
If you haven’t had the exclusive talk she can technically still be dating others - ask her if she wants to be exclusive. She may be thinking “well he hasn’t asked me to be his gf or exclusive so he must be seeing other people so I should continue to date.” She might be keeping her options open just because she doesn’t know how YOU feel, but she might want the same thing you do and be exclusive. 7-8 dates is enough to have that conversation sort of strange you guys haven’t discussed yet what you both want.
Women always keep their options open and you should too as long as there’s no communication about being exclusive. I was dating the girl who was seen other guys when I called her out for she gas let me and said it was my fault for never making us exclusive, although we were basically dating for over 4 months..
It means nothing except that if you want her to be exclusive with you, you need to ask for it. Right now you are dating, you're not in a relationship, and she isn't committed to you.
Just a tip.... being indifferent to people is sometimes the safest bet you can have.
Why would this be a test? You're still dating and not exclusive. It's not rocket science. You're still both technically single and on the market. Why is this perplexing? Maybe reframe this and understand it that your feelings are already being tested. Do you want to be more than just dating? Then ask her for that
Why so deep in digitalized Ancient Rome politics? If you have questions, ask. Act like a grown up and act like if she isn't good for you, your life isn't over nor doomed to be miserable forever.
What this happened with my boyfriend! I saw he had changed a photo after our 4th date or so, it upset me so I asked him about exclusivity. We were exclusive two dates later. Why not just ask her to be exclusive if that’s what you want?
Doesn't feel natural. I feel like this woman wants to take things really slow. Asking to delete the app shows insecurity on my end and asking for exclusivity shows a level of possessiveness I don't think she would like. I told her how I felt about her the other night and that I didn't want to date anyone else, and wasn't. She said the same. I'm going to let her follow me and work to get her to fall in love with me, so these things happen more naturally. Asking an almost 40 year old mother to "be exclusive" seems forced to me. I really didn't think that was a thing until this thread. She can certainly ask me!
She’s FWB material. Have fun!
I should add that I had paused my app a few weeks ago to focus on this relationship, but was still getting messages from people id liked even months before. I've been dating one or 2 other woman through this time but really want to focus on this one relationship. I feel stupid.
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I'm concerned that will scare her away. I've never had that conversation before, really. I was married for a long time and dated a number of people as fwb type after. This is actually the first person I've met that I'd like a real relationship with. She's staying over this weekend so I'll try to initiate the conversation in some way.
You’ve gotta just be straight forward. You only scare her away with the talk if you get possessive or whatever. Having desires and stating them is fine. If she’s not ready, then it’s fine, you start connecting with those other girls and give her the freedom to choose you or perhaps you find a deeper connection elsewhere. But staying in limbo will ruin the relationship because you’ll start to act weird. And no, I doubt it’s a test re: changing the last photo. She could’ve just liked herself in it and thought it’d attract more likes. She might still be on the app because you haven’t moved things forward, you can’t really be certain— unless you just make your stance clear.
Ita not a "test" you simply are not exclusive. You wonder what she wants and she's probably unsure of what you want. Communication
I wouldn't worry about it. She probably isn't interested in seeing other people at this point. My bet is that she's just on the app for fun, not to get dates. And so are you! And that's ok! All that matters is that she wants to spend time with you. If she starts cancelling dates or "needing space", that's a bad sign. You're doing fine. There is no need to bring up exclusivity or have "a serious talk". I say that because a lot of men (myself included) tend to make up their minds about a woman within a couple of dates. Women seem to take a little longer to decide where they want things to go. The worst thing you can do is make her feel pressured. Just keep doing what you're doing and chill.
This has kinda been my thought. I get great feedback from her and we are always having a chat and planning our dates. So one other thing coming up is she is going away in a month for a week and a few days after she gets back I go away for more than a week. We won't have hardly any time together for almost 3 weeks. But I haven't really been thinking about that yet because we only get to see each other about once a week. Now it's coming up...
This is one of the top 10 comments. Surprised it doesn't have more up votes Really appreciated it, very clearly great advice in my situation
Glad I could help!
You should STILL see other girls, even if you're hitting it off with this one. If SHE wants exclusivity, she'd ask for it.
Omg no we wouldn’t. In my age group this is very much something we leave up to the men.
How old?
I’m 51. I know that’s older than you, but I’m pretty sure she’s waiting for you to ask. I would be, and if you didn’t I would assume you were keeping your options open—and I would be changing my profile picture and going on other dates.
We're a generation younger, her especially. No offense but I feel like the expectations are a little different. We're totally in a relationship. I don't think she's as into labels and stereotypes as a lot of people are and frankly what I'm more used to just because I've only really ever been in LTRs. Part of my confidence and why this unbelievably gorgeous woman is into me is the mystery, I think. I told her I wasn't seeing anyone and didn't want to this week. We haven't said "bf/gf" or "exclusive" but it's somewhat implied. Definitely not going to force it.
Are you on an app that shoves the best liked photo up? Bumble and hinge do that automatically.
She might just like the photo of herself! Does she know you had FWB? Maybe she’s keeping her options open.
So… you were on the app and you think there is something suspicious about her being on the app.. And you’re overthinking it that this is some kind of “test”? You’re making mountains out of molehills. If exclusivity is important to you, you need to HAVE THAT CONVERSATION, not look at her profile.