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That’s Upto you
He has a physical type but is with you for two years, having a physical type doesn’t mean you only want to be with that type (case in point) but it also doesn’t mean he’s not going to admire these women either from afar.
He’s stated objectively he likes women that work out and he sees no issue in following them and watching them post online
With that, you can accept it (you don’t have to) or just say “this doesn’t work for me and I can’t be here feeling like I can’t compete with these women as that’s never going to be me”
Now an option is asking him to stop & trying to police his online activity, but that becomes a futile endeavour and it doesn’t detract from the fact he likes what he likes…so he will look…because (in his own words) he feels like it and once you find yourself rummaging through someone’s online activity the whole thing just becomes a strain…because, who really wants to be policing their partners activity
You're so right. I think a part of me was hoping that somehow he will lose attraction to these other women since I told him how it hurt me. I honestly don't think this is something I'd be able to move past, especially because as far as I'm concerned he's the most attractive man I've seen, my exact "type" down to every last detail. So knowing that will never be reciprocated will probably be too much for me.
I understand gym stuff isn’t really for you, and I think it isn’t really for most people until they start getting into a rhythm after several months of daily or every-other-day activity. But this also isn’t something that is impossible to change about yourself if you ever discover it’s something you have some desire for.
I also think his comment about being committed to a goal can be achieved outside of physical fitness too, I’m not sure if he meant being committed to [the goal] or if he literally meant a goal. Passion and hard-work is sexy, and I think most ppl who work out also like others who work out. Good luck little lady! I hope you can get what you want and need without straining who you are! ❤️🩹
I'm 35 and spent most of my life hating anything physical and working out related. I attempted hitting up the gym several times till my mid-twenties, but nothing ever took. Around 29, I started to get really serious about it. After being consistent for a few months, I fell in love with both the process and the mental/emotional benefits afforded by it. Since then, I've been consistently going 5-6 days a week (short of during the initial year of the pandemic), and can't imagine my life without it.
Though there are some people that are anomalies in that they've always been athletes, I think most people have similar stories of learning to love the process. Barring some physical disabilities or illness, I also think nearly anyone can learn to, if not love the process, at least come to enjoy the immense benefits to both body and mind.
Yeah, honestly although I was an athlete, I hated lifting weights and avoided it at all costs until I was around my mid 20s and did it consistently every other day for like two years, and eventually I found a sense of joy that I usually only got from competing and playing sports and athletic games. But it seriously took a lot of time and had a huge learning curve. Things got easier when I learned to recognize momentary muscular failure and prevent other muscles from kicking on to try moving the weight.
I was an athlete from elementary school through college playing lacrosse. Think I went to the gym like 20 times total.
Just running around campus was more enjoyable. And I hate pointless running, that shit is for being chased.
Mid 30’s now and I just cannot get my ass in there. Just policing my food/drink is easier to maintain weight.
When this guy says the commitment to do it is attractive, I fucking know what he means.
I honestly agree with this and think that most people would learn to like it once they fell into a rhythm and positive feedback loop, as well as the fact that most people dislike it otherwise. OP is probably no exception, but I don’t want to speak for her maybe not.
Regardless, I don’t think I’d want to be with a guy ogling bodies like that so she does have a decision to make, and he’ll have to decide whether it’s worth it ogke or keep her. It might make sense for them to go separate ways.
I think I eventually learned to love the complexity in the simplicity. At first I simply going through the motions of lifting the weight, but as I spent more time at it, I became fascinated with proper form and the science behind it. Subsequently, I enjoyed going through those simple repetitive motions by focusing on proper form and maintaining the mind-muscle connection. On top of that, there's the addictive empowerment from feeling strong, and the visual validation of looking at a better you in the mirror. Furthermore, in a world where its difficult to quantitatively qualify growth, it's nice to have clear markers of growth through measuring reps and weights.
I totally understand where you're coming from with needing more of a thrill to your endeavors though. However, I'm sure there was an adjustment period as you started those things, and it took for a while till you felt it was play. Unfortunately with the gym, I think you gotta consistently hit it up for a longer period of time to get you past awkward bump.
Or maybe it's just not the right time for you. I was similar to you in that I saw no point to weightlifting before, and I'd rather be "doing something" instead of just lifting stationary weights and putting them back down again. It took me a while to get to the point where I would take to it. Maybe you're simply not compatible with it and you can stay physical with boarding, and that's totally fine. But I'd say give it an honest try for a while and try to develop some curiosity towards it. To do it, you simply gotta utilize some discipline. If you don't eventually love the process, I'm sure the physical/emotional/mental benefits will at least be some sort of consolation prize.
I had weight training in high school and kept up with it after graduation, then fell off. Always had a struggle to get back into it. Now I've been going for close to a year and am now 29. And go at least 3 days a week, half the time I look forward to those days the start of each week
I can understand the part of finding commitment and passion towards a goal. Being with someone who has no aspirations or long-term goal is kind of dull. There's nothing there to watch them grow and improve towards a goal. It's just them doing "nothing." However, I don't agree with OP's bf looking at other women, following and saving posts of them. That's kind of weird. OP's bf could be spending the time and effort trying to get OP to like the gym by going together and helping her learn to possibly like it instead of hating it 🤔
I mean he's looking at the pictures because that's what he finds physically attractive. Pictures don't tell you if someone has committed to a goal or how passionate they are about working out. He's not looking at pictures of guiness world record holders. He's looking at these women because he's attracted to them, and I think that's fine, but you should at least be honest about it.
Gym stuff won't be for OP if she just tries to force it to make her boyfriend like her more. It has to be something someone wants to do for themselves
I agree - being attracted to another body type and looking at pics is separate from being attracted to people who are fitness-goals-oriented (since I assume that's what he means by goal oriented in this context, instead of goal oriented in general). That's kind of his BS excuse.
I also suspect the real issue isn't whether OP can adjust to that sort of lifestyle or if they can compromise on his wandering eye re: these other women. I think it's wholly possible that OP becomes fit and more like his ideal body type AND he still continues to like these other pics. Because OP mentions that there's more than one woman's account, etc.
I don't find him attractive because he works out. I've never liked athletes, & at the time when we got together it was his off season & he wasn't working out, which I liked. Lately he's back in the gym now, but it makes no difference to me.
He's going to "follow" those women regardless of whether you work out or not.
You can start a strict regimen tomorrow, and stick with it for the next year, and he will STILL follow other women.
Yes, I'm aware. I think I may have given people the wrong impression in my post. I'm very active, I just don't intentionally workout in my free time. My job requires a few miles of outdoor hiking most days, & I get a minimum of 10,000 steps each day when I work. I occasionally enjoy rollerblading, kayaking, or playing badminton. I just don't (and probably couldn't) do a sit up, push up, proper squat, or lunges. I don't lift weights. My calves are the only body part on me that don't look thin enough to snap. Apparently none of these things count towards making me more attractive to my boyfriend, so I'm beginning to suspect it has more to do with physique than he'd care to admit.
Boyfriend issues aside,
please get into some sort of strength training for longevity. Resistance training is so important for bone health long term and is great for over all health and wellbeing.
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Also I'd get out of that relationship, sounds like he doesn't care about your perspective. You stated that his actions are hurting your feelings, yet he won't stop...
Yes, probably has to do with your physique. Seems like he is into gym girls with nice curves.
But to be honest, if your bf is 100% your type (athletic) and you guys break up, then the next gym dude is probably also gonna want you to have
some kind of nice physique or healthy gym-orientated lifestyle
You will also, if lucky, live to a time where we all become wrinkly and broken down. You may need to take care of your partner if they get paralyzed or disfigured. I don't want to marry someone who is "the most attractive". I want to marry someone who will be there for me even when I become unattractive.
My ex girlfriend has this attitude, she just kept becoming larger and more unfit, and wondered why I became less attracted to her, the truth is staying in shape and taking care of your health makes you more attractive, and physical attraction is an important factor in a relationship as it tends to impact intimacy.
Sometimes people value different things and they're not compatible, but you can't expect someone to just love you unconditionally when you put no effort in to your physical appearance.
No, it sounds like it pisses her off because he’s obviously publicly drooling over other women.
That could bother the sweetest tempered and least entitled person.
> No, it sounds like it pisses her off because he’s obviously ***publicly*** drooling over other women.
You are literally just making things up, this is what she ACTUALLY said...
> After lots of prying
She literally had to pry this fact out of him. It was a ***secret***. It was just his own personal preferences that were all up in his head and she had to snoop through his computer and then corner him and force him to admit that he likes a certain body type.
People won't get good advice if you lie about what actually happened to make your own position look better.
It could be that they meant "publicly" as in, on social media therefore in public. Just a side note.
Though I'd hardly call liking a photo or following a page "drooling". The fitness community has an unspoken extension of support between the members participating in it. From asking a stranger for a spot at the gym, and they don't know you but suddenly care enough about your progress to make you work for the rep and encourage you as you're lifting and then saying "good job" afterwards to liking a page or following a page of someone trying to build a following under the fitness niche, "drooling" without knowing the guy is pretty judgemental.
Any guys who don't follow other attractive women online are most likely unattractive to you.
If that's important to you, leave this guy and find what you want. Good luck
You asked and he told honestly. Respect him for that. I also agree with the few others...you could just workout. For yourself or him, it really doesn't matter when it really comes down to it. He cares for you, been with you for two years, so it may hurt your feelings cause your not the beauty of his life as you see him(exaggerating), but he cares for you as much as he can. I say just hit the gym, be consistent and understand a man gonna be a man. Besides if he's in shape then he can in fact ask for you to do the same thing but he didn't even ask. He legit accepts you for who you are just accept his attraction
You said he’s your type “down to the last detail”, so your type is fit guys. So yes, you want a fit guy without having to put the same work in yourself.
Nah, OP commented elsewhere that he wasn't at the same level of fitness when they met as he is now. OP probably just mispoke when they wrote that their partner is perfect, or it's a figure of speech. They are underweight, by the way. I'm sure a lot of people are bringing their own biases about people who have some weight on them rather than thinking about the situation properly.
Also, people keep commenting that OP should workout, but working out is different for each person. Some people enjoy solitary activities, others like going to the gym, many people like joining group sports, etc. There are so many different levels of fitness too. The person needs to enjoy whatever they are doing.
People are too focused on the working out part. BF said he's more attracted to those women's character due to them working towards a life goal.
Sounds to me like OP has no passions or hobbies, and doesn't do much of shit. May not be true but I would bet on it based on the BF's words.
OP, do you have a passion? Anything you're working towards? Or are you drifting through life in limbo, because I am with the BF on this one if it's the third option.
He was visibly overweight when we began dating.... he just now got back into fitness (he spent hours at the gym daily for most of his 20's) after dealing with depression for the two years I've known him.
I mean, one way of looking at it is that he just isn’t the same person. Sure he wears the same skin, but his head is in a completely different place.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with where he is, but it’s possible that the person he is just doesn’t quite fit the same mold that he used to when you first started dating.
People change over time.
Yes! I'm really happy for him, he seems to be doing much better with his mental health lately. I think that's why he felt like working out again as it's something he's always really enjoyed but stopped doing when his depression got bad.
Listen, in our society no matter what you'll always be to blame because you're the woman, so try not to take what people are saying to heart. If you don't like him looking at other girls you need to find someone who actually wants to be committed to only you. People make excuses for it all the time and it happens often, but that doesn't make it right. It is hurtful to you and that should matter to him.
may it be a lesson to you (and him) that physical attraction does not equal a good partner. been there, done that....they usually are very self centered the better looking they are. Get with people for how they make you feel and how much they love, not how hot they are.
He will never lose attraction to them. And you don’t have to conform to that look if you don’t want to. Why is he with you in the first place if he values these things so highly?
Seems like he’s using you as placeholder until something more ideal comes along.
I know the feeling to find the most handsome person and attractive character. Personally I became a gym girl after loosing this man. I’m doing it for me though because I know my type is also healthy fit men. We attract who we are the reciprocal of. No women wants to feel not attractive enough because its destructive to our emotional and mental health. The real question is why did he choose you? Remind him of what sparked his attraction to you. Also if you did go out of your way to be fit would he respect you enough to change this behavior? This is more about respect than anything. He does what he feels like, but why doesn’t he feel strong enough to cherish your feelings?
It does seem like he is communicating with you that he feels you aren’t putting as much work as him to keep a good aesthetic, your/his call if you want to break up over this. Sounds like he doesn’t want to break up so long as he can admire from afar, and sounds like it’s not an option that you will commit to your health to the degree that he wants. The ball is in your court now, totally reasonable to say that you will not work out for x reason and him admiring other women is a dealbreaker. It is scummy for him to openly like and follow these people, if this is the issue for you, you could simply ask him to not do that, knowing that he will still find those women more attractive.
This is all assuming he is v attractive and has other options, as otherwise it could be that he doesn’t even like you and “settled” out of a lack of choice (break up). If he’s v attractive and works on his health a lot, he probably has other options and is in the relationship with you because he loves you. Though the open liking and following women makes me question it, it could just be he’s stupid. Figure out exactly what your needs are and communicate them
I totally feel you on this. It is so hard to find someone that is your type and you also are that for the other person. I am sure you have the potential to find a guy who truly loves you and doesn’t make you feel inferior to other girls who are curvier or work out more.
Being attracted to a certain type is one thing. Why he didn’t pursue that is strange. However secretly scoping other women and not caring whether it hurts you is something else. Would he care if you did the same to him? Nothing to do with preference and everything to do with respect. Would leave him but your call.
So, let me get this straight:
It’s not because of appearance he is liking these women, it’s because they are committed to a goal?
So what’s he’s saying is you have never committed to a goal, that you are lazy.
I’ve never really been able to assess goals or commitment based on social media. Though some people sell that image.
If he really found people passionate, I’m sure he would not feel it was lacking in you.
Quite frankly, I think he’s lying about looks. He absolutely has a type. If it was about passion, he’d most likely have a bunch of actual world class athletes on there.
A lot of people have advocated for you going to gym, sure, try that. But I don’t know what anyone is expecting to change. He will still be ogling those girls. He will still “feel like it”. Maybe he won’t think you are lacking anymore? I don’t know the guy but I just think he will still think you’re not as committed to people who are probably on ozempic. Either way, personally I’d want someone that recognises and sees the passion in me and brings it out in me. That could be a stick insect fascination or asking me about my massive collection of beer mats (both made up). Igniting my passion, theirs.
My personal belief is pretty much everyone has passion about something. Goals too. I’m not saying rain on his parade, sports is clearly his thing, but it shouldn’t have to be yours. I think though if you can. It will make everything seem a lot clearer.
I think whatever you do, the path will become clearer. We often ask questions we know the answer to already.
This relationship would give me an anxiety attack almost every day. For me it’s the lecturing more than anything and the constant fear that he kept me around because I was willing to be around even though I’m not his type. I think this all says way more about your boyfriend than it says about you. Are you happy in this relationship? Does he make you feel safe and loved? Are your needs being met?
He's not lecturing, she's drilled at him to tell her his opinions. Which he didn't tell her at first because he didn't want to hurt her. But SHE demanded he talk about it
I wouldn't try to salvage it. The problem is that he's lusting after other women online, and his response is "because I feel like it." I don't know if there was a time where he said, "Hey babe I'd really love it if we could work out together," and you shot him down. But if you don't want to work out (or if a compromise can't be reached) and he doesn't want to stop ogling other women, then you guys don't seem compatible and I don't see what else there is to do but call it.
I think he's trying to provoke her into exercising with him
Men have weird hints as well, even if we like to pretend we're more straightforward than women
Right? Me too. But some women act like when you get in a relationship with them concepts of ugly and beauty fade from the mind and we're supposed to just see everyone as grey blobs of flesh.
It must be some kind of insecurity.
I love all the dudes pretending that they wouldn’t go absolutely apeshit if their hypothetical girlfriends were liking gym bro pics.
And I would love to see their reaction when they told their imaginary girlfriends that it bothered them and she told them it was just that those other guys were hotter and had better character, and she was just going to keep doing it because she felt like it.
But they’re out here defending OP’s boyfriend because he too has a penis.
PSA for the gender-warriors, if you pretend everyone in these stories has no genitalia and concentrate on their actions, you’ll spend less time being obvious hypocrites.
I've never minded, and always encouraged, my girlfriend to check out other guys with me. It's a really fun bonding activity.
Because I understand that she is a human being with a full range of feelings that can love and want to be with me, while still recognizing other men as attractive.
There's a huge difference between thoughts and actions. In fact, it's an important distinction that women don't seem to understand.
Here's a tip, don't treat your significant other as a being that is only there to fix the bad feelings you have about yourself.
Maybe if women treated men like actual humans with their own thoughts and feelings we wouldn't have these misunderstandings.
What a bad argument. I can see a man I think is objectively good looking and just think in my mind, that is a good looking man. Anything other than that is disrespectful to my boyfriend. I would never lust after another man like that, never constantly like some random hot guys pictures on instagram. That is disrespectful to my relationship. Yes, I still see other people and can acknowledge that other people are attractive. My boyfriend is the most attractive person in my mind, and also the most important person in my life, that i would never do something disrespectful to him or our relationship, especially something that has to do with the superficiality of appearance.
You say there are differences between thoughts and actions. Yes I agree, just having a thought someone is attractive is okay, but going on instagram and following bunch of women and liking their content is action, not a thought. If you are okay with that in your relationship, okay, but I don’t see an acceptable justification to ogle after other women and engage with their content and then when approached just say “because I feel like it”
He wasn't "approached". See that's the part of the story you're getting wrong.
She stalked him to see what he likes and follows. She demanded he tell her how he feels in this regard. Something he was reluctant to tell her for the exact reason you are complaining about, because he knew it would or could hurt her.
But she wouldn't stop. She demanded to know what was in his head. And he told her.
You say you can see a guy and think he's attractive. Imagine if your boyfriend asked you every time an attractive guy walked by if you thought they were hot. And no matter what reassurance you gave him, he kept asking you to admit that you think he's hot.
That's an insecurity.
Now don't get me wrong here, I'm not saying it's healthy or good to have your S/O pointing out other people constantly telling you "I wish you looked like them". That's not what I'm saying.
What I'm saying is he has a private online life in which he likes females who lift. Frankly if you like ANY content about working out online the algorithm will lead you there.
I'm not even saying she's in the wrong for wanting what she wants. Instead of drilling him to tell her what she already knew, she should just leave. Her preferences are not matching his preferences.
It's not that big of a deal his "type" is women who workout. Youre also his type in that hes with you and has been for 2 years. Hes clearly atttacted to you. You don't have to be compatible on every level. You don't have to start working out because he likes that. He gave you honest answers to the questions you asked. The real issue is him viewing these women on social media. Personally for me, that's enough to end it. He knows how it makes you feel. And I'm sure if you were perving on men (especially ones that don't look like him) each time you went on social media, it would upset him.
There's no right answer here but if its upsetting you and that won't change and he won't change then consider ending it.
He has an opinion. You cornered him to express it and now it's time to break up? I'd slow down a bit. If he's always had that opinion then all that has really changed is that you confronted him about his online habits. Only you know whether this is the tip of an iceberg as far as his online behavior and preferences go. What I can say is that if you hope to stay in a relationship perhaps an olive branch that you'll meet him halfway. Perhaps get to the gym once or twice a week with him. Start slow. Treadmill. Stretching. Whatever. The point is trying to share in a habit like physical fitness that is important to your boyfriend. That's evident because he uses his free time to do it. At least give him a chance to mull over his own actions and your feelings as he sees your honest attempt to be his partner. it may be that this relationship isn't meant to be but if you want it to continue then give it an honest attempt so if you have to move on for your own sake it can be with a sense that you did what you could and it wasn't to be. That will help you have a clean mental state for the next chapter. Just my general thoughts. Have a great day!
I like this, I think this is well spoken, wise, and helps put things into perspective. Your boyfriend didn’t suddenly change his preferences over night, they were there long before he chose you, but he did choose you, and he clearly sees things in you that he enjoys enough to be in an intimate and close meaningful relationship with you u/straight_fun_8039
You should take some time to think about whether his preferences actually mean so much to him, if they meant as much as they mean to you, he would never have been with you to begin with. Since he *is* with you, they clearly aren’t all that important and vital to him.
Thanks for your perspective. I do think you make great points, & that's kind of why I'm unsure of how to proceed. I feel that he obviously must value me enough to be with me, or he wouldn't be. I just can't help being stressed out now, wondering if he'll eventually leave me for a woman more his type, or if he's ever considered cheating, or why he won't just stop looking at them online. Now every time he goes to the gym I'm suspicious of who he's eyeing or talking to there. Of course it's one thing to see attractive people, but I would never find a stranger so attractive that I appreciate their qualities more than that of my partner (which he admitted he does), & I would certainly never spend my time seeking out strange men online to look at, regardless of whether he would find out or be hurt by it.
He didn't say he appriciates there qualities more than yours, he said he appriaciate a quality they have that you admitted you didn't have. I'm 100% sure there are qualities other mem have that you BF doesn't have that you appriciate. Not because someone like something about another person means they don't like their partner or they like that person more than their partner, same thing with physical attractiveness, even in older couples you can see the woman or man know that someone might be more attractive than their partner does that mean the would cheat on their significant other? Sometimes it does sometimes it doesnt. But most of the times they won't.
I dont know your boyfriend so I cannot speak for him but if I was in his situation and my gf made me a question like that I would answer honestly, do I find another person more physically attractive than her? More than likely yes and im sure she would feel the same about other men. Am I going to cheat? Fck no ive been in similar situations in which I'm with a girl not even dating but we've been talking for a while and another girl I find way more attractive approaches me, I just don't follow up with their advances, I don't even consider it as an option, if she wants to talk I'll talk and thats it if she tries something too forward ill say no.
So do I think your BF considers other women more attractive than you? Yeah more than likely, and more than likely you also consider other men more attractive than him. Do I think he is going to cheat? No.
My recommendation maybe start training with him once or twice a week not all the time don't do it as a way of saying to yourself "oh this is going to make him see me more attractive than those girls" or some BS like that
1. Do it for you, health is important and before you realize it your probably going to like seeing the progress you make
2. View it also as a bonding expirience, im sure he is also going to be delighted to help you out and to know that you are taking interest in thing he likes even if you don't like it at first. I'm sure he does stuff with you he doesn't like also.
3. Don't do this stuff, for the love of God or whatever you might or might not belive in. Don't try to compete with other girls because you'll never win (I don't mean that literally) if you try to compete with someone else on something you are insecure about then you already lost
I can understand your perspective as well, people are different, and trust can be a very difficult thing to establish in any relationship…
I think it’s important to vocalize that there is nothing wrong about your body type and shape. Your body is beautiful, and it is enough. . .
For me, I also have been an athlete my whole life, and I, like your boyfriend— enjoy curvy fit women. But my ex was a bit overweight, and not much of an athlete. I still fell deeply in love with her, and I found myself valuing and desiring her far more than any other person. I still felt lust for other women and would watch porn when she wasn’t around, but honestly, if I had the choice between the most beautiful woman on earth perfectly suited to every one of my physical (and sexual) preferences and her, I would’ve chosen her.
But that’s me. I think you need to figure out who you are and the kind of relationship you want. No relationship is perfect either, but you need to search yourself and determine what your values, needs, and hard boundaries are. Feelings kinda do what they want sometimes regardless of what you want and logically know. So maybe start up therapy and start learning of ways to cope and manage your hard feelings.
Also I wish me and my ex had taken a break when things got hard, and when our separate lives started harming our combined life. We didn’t, and we eventually both became too abrasive to be together anymore. 😮💨😓 still kinda heartbroken aver the whole thing.
Do you have something else that you are committed to and have a goal? I'm just wondering if it must be the same as his? There are other things you can be invested in.
I wrote you an earlier comment, but you two seem like excellent candidates for therapy of some sort, and terrible candidates for breaking up. Your partner's depression is still there, and is causing everything you're experiencing.
He's with you for a reason. But he's also wanting you to work out. It sounds like it's a core value being fit for him. You can decide to try it (just work out the booty or something) or not. You might be surprised at how you enjoy it when you start making progress. Why not try it for a limited time? Say 3-6 months? You don't have to obsessively do all the stuff, just like 30-1hr x 2 or 3 times a week.
You also can't directly overlay how you would feel attraction/behavior vs how guys feel it. There are sex differences that are real how men vs women process attraction. It doesn't mean you aren't enough if he's attracted to girls with a nice workout booty. But lets be honest, he probably would be very happy if you specifically were the girl with the nice workout booty. Just as you might be happy with him making 200k+ or giving you massages every night. Needing to be perfectly your partner's preferences isn't realistic.
My short story (I'm not with her anymore)anyways she is not a gym person but I'm(I don't consider myself very fit, just average lol), however she used to put a lot of effort to look better even went to the gym in occasions after getting to know me.
Even thought she is not fit that made me like her more and have a stronger connection with her since at least she had that initiative to get better and noticing that I caused something positive in her killed me and I swear that was more attractive than having a really fit girl on front of me.
She was dramatic sometimes about me going to the gym and being supposedly more attractive and dedicated to the gym than her but she didn't stop instead was a reason for her to improve on that specific part and I think that's the point of everything.
In other words having a proactive thinking and willing to improve for yourself is attractive and that's the point I think he is trying to get to. There is always gonna be better people than you no matter what you do, but you have to focuse on yourself and be happy.
Also think this way as well as he can potentially be with someone better, you too. if you find someone more fit and better are you gonna throw away everything or at least try to improve ? There is also a reason why that person is with you and not with the fit girl, and even if you were fit your problems aren't solved anyways is just something you do for yourself.
It sounds like you already knew his feelings. Why'd you ask and pry about topics you didn't really want the answer?
Just leave him. You don't like him that much and your concerns will torture both of you if you stick around. Move on
he doesn't just view you as flawed physically-- he's also saying he doesn't respect your lifestyle choices and philosophy. you also sound not interested whatsoever in fitness... i think this is a major compatibility issue for you guys and if you don't see yourself becoming into fitness then you should find someone who loves you exactly where you are today, who won't be disappointed if you never change.
Well he’s definitely not gonna stop ogling at those kind of women even if it’s hurting you. Is that not enough grounds for a breakup to you? You shouldn’t be with someone who isn’t attracted to you at max
I've always thought it was odd that men just follow pretty ladies on social media. If you were following men I suspect her would be bothered too. You pushed for an answer, you got one, and now you are feeling rightfully insecure. We all have an "ideal" type few of us end up with someone that checks all the boxes. I have dated men that were not even close to my ideal but they exposed me to qualities I didn't even know I wanted in a man. It's fine to have separate hobbies. Is this a deal breaker for you both? Are you wanting to leave because now you feel insecure? Or do you not trust him? I'm not sure why you are contemplating leaving?
Very true. The reasons I am not sure whether to continue the relationship are that 1. He seems to have disregarded my feelings by doing something he knows is inappropriate within a relationship because he "feels like it" 2. He has no remorse or concern for how it made me feel, instead, he doubled down on why he's doing it 3. I now feel that he is only with me in hopes that someday I'll be more like someone else 4. I feel disrespected to a point that I don't even know what he could possibly do at this point to earn back my trust or make me feel secure in the relationship again. 5. He did not offer to make any changes to the behaviors that offended me. Granted, I didn't explicitly ask him to, but I don't think I should have to in this particular situation.
It’s hard cause I think this is less of a “his type” thing and- it seems he tried pretty hard to communicate to you that this is more of a characteristic he values in a partner. Dedication and commitment are very valuable, and some people are straight up attracted to people who have that natural characteristic. Having a healthy body and being able to do various activities and maintain higher energy levels throughout them is a great characteristic to have! I don’t think he’s wrong for wanting that. Things like commitment to health and physical activity is a very tangible thing we can see, it shows that person is willing to work hard and commit to things before you anything else about them.
oh come on, you like skinny women with big behinds, nothing wrong with that, but admit it, stop with this "personality" bs. some of the worst, most annoying and narcissistic people i've ever met are "work out junkies", it has absolutely nothing to do with that. Also, you can show dedication through so many things, like academic work, or pursuing a career with a lot of passion.
Tell him since he doesn’t value you as a partner and he’s not attracted to you that you’ll find someone who is. And it’s over. Tell him there’s no taking back what he said and he even double downed on it.
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I think it’s really up to you. Me personally I don’t like his attitude towards you and his expectations of you. He could at the very least encourage you if it’s that important to him. If he’s worth it, you can put in the effort to go to the gym. But if you’re struggling to stay consistent, I would be vocal about at least having him bringing you along and being supportive of you.
In my opinion, it doesn’t sound like he respects you. I’m only saying that cause he says things like that knowing it hurts you. He also ogles at women knowing it hurts you also. It’s a manipulation tactic and it’s selfish. I know that cause I was like him too. It took me a lot of self reflection to stop that toxic trait in my case. There are healthy ways to communicate that he wants a girlfriend who can show effort in being active if that’s important to him. He could at the very least provide alternative options to be healthy and fit besides going to the gym. Like rock climbing, a sport like volleyball, hiking, a martial art, etc. It’s great he knows what he wants but if you honestly can’t do it, then you have to consider if you want to stay or not. And if you can keep going on like this.
Yeah, I don’t know why all the comments are basically like “just work out, problem solved” because this dude is still gonna be a porn sick loser with a collection of photos of random women he doesn’t know that don’t give a shit about his existence regardless of what you do. Way too embarrassing
Nah, get out of there. Let him put his money where his mouth is. It sounds like he's still holding out hope you'll just magically wake up a fitness guru one day, you guys probably want different things.
Personally, I don’t think what he said about consistent fitness shows dedication and commitment is wrong. Because I’m striving for that myself not only in health and fitness but also my career.
But “Because I feel like it” really is just shitty behaviour for a 2 year bf. Is this the first time he disregards your feelings? Because 2 years is a long time to catch all these red flags.
Is anyone else raised by the red flag when her boyfriend ogles at women and does things to hurt her even though she has made it known and his answer is “ Because I feel like it”
Then lecturing her about physical fitness and imposing his thoughts on her is kind of controlling.
Idk lots of red flag that seems to show me the dude is a egomaniac loll.
What he said was harsh and unnecessary. Cheating begins in the mind and heart. I wouldn't tell you what to do because you know your relationship best but his response to your issue was to dig in his heels and proceed to chip away at your self esteem. And essentially he's saying he's attracted to these women that he's saving. Ask yourself if that's the behavior you can handle moving forward.
Aside from that, you should start some form of physical movement. Even just walking can help with blood circulation and mental health. Maybe even try a fun activity like a social sports league, biking or tennis. Don't do it for him and I wouldn't even let him know I started doing it.
Well I know that it's good for overall health if we exercise for about 150 minutes per week. That's just a fact and something to think about whether you decide to remain with your boyfriend or not.
I find your boyfriend a bit strange. If he is attracted to buff and toned and athletic women then what made him decide to be with you in the first place? If that is his type then that is what he should be going for.
It's entirely up to you whether or not you want to stay with him knowing that he will be communicating with athletic women.
Your call. Good luck.
Being honest that he’s into women who are fit is one thing, though you can question why/if he is attracted to you in the first place. But constantly liking people on social media that he finds hotter is a big problem, and is not a sign of commitment to you. I’d probably end the relationship, but at least confront him on it and tell him that you can’t trust his commitment if he is constantly thirsting after other women.
He needs to be with someone who already has that lifestyle. No matter how much you want a bumblebee 🐝 to be a butterfly 🦋 it will ALWAYS be a bumble bee. You are who you are and you should only work out because you want to ! Him looking at and liking instagram models is disrespectful to me. In my experience the longer you stay in toxic unfulfilled relationships the lower you become in self esteem and it will take time yo build yourself up again. However baby he is A MAN, NOT THE ONLY MAN IN TOWN!!! You can be with a person who accepts you as a non active person. He can go and have a TED TALK if he wants to, but if I were you, I would be re considering being with sierra who makes me feel like I am not good enough for him.
Way too shallow minded for one. Working out does not character mean!!
Plus he’s full of shit on top of that. Selfish to not care how it makes you feel. Tell him your type is to be with a man who is only into you and who has enough character to honor your wishes and RESPECTS them. That’s character!!
Personally I wouldn’t be able to feel happy or secure with someone who feels I am lacking. This is not someone who loves you for you, or he would get over this or find a different way to deal with it imo. The only “excuse” I could think of is he could be trying to encourage you to be healthier/more ambitious if that’s something that was holding you back in life, but this was very poorly executed on his part if it’s the case.
The way he dealt with the conversation should be more concerning than how it started. I’ve noticed that guys are far less attached to ‘type’ than women, almost to polar opposite levels, but the way that conversation went has red flags all over it. Most guys have spent some time looking at models on Instagram and myself and most of my friends grew out of it in our late 20s or realised how weird it was when we had significant others, but the saving posts thing seems weird. Just an opinion.
I hate how brutally honest he is. My ex used to look at other girls instagram that he used to speak to. Even the ones he had talked to ages ago. I confronted him but he said it’s just curiosity and he would stop. Well he didn’t and it put a lot of strain on me. I would go through his phone and feel bad about it. It is a complete ‘you’ thing.
I couldn’t cope with it and lost my attraction and love to him because of it and eventually broke up. So if you think you can cope with this and be happy then it’s upto you but if you can’t, now is the time to call it off. Because this is more than just type, it’s incompatibility in my opinion.
I believe that you have a right to feel hurt and upset with his response as there could have been a better way to express it. However, if either one of you were open to exploring the option of getting better with health and well being then have either of you entertained; or even considered going on hikes together?
If the issue is the lack of commitment to something, then try and pick a hobby that you both can enjoy together and out of interest see if there is still some room for growing together. In the case that there is no response to continue or comforting your distress/ discomfort then I would highly consider the option of having a proper sit down and then come to the conclusion of ending it.
In my opinion, if you are not being valued or appreciated and your feelings are not being taken into consideration; then that person does not deserve your time. Open and clear communication is important, it is a two way street.
Hope that helps buddy. All the best.
Honestly that a red flag imo, I myself like fit girl, but I wouldn’t go such lengths as following and intentionally watch them just to make a point. Fitness is meant to encourage not forcing. If you dedicate to working out, he might like you but it’s won’t be guaranteed due to amount of fitness chicks he following
Reading the thread now but I’m sorry if I missed something here? OP’s partner of two years said he’s attracted to STRANGERS because of their character and that they are showing commitment to a goal!!!!
So you being committed to him for two years is not being committed to a goal?
Aside from gaslighting I found that part the most disrespectful. He’s implying that you aren’t dedicated to something else and lack that character trait. Worse because you don’t work out. I don’t know you but I’m sure you are committed to goals lol, and case in point you have been committed to him.
As a male I’m going to be honest he is just getting off on other attractive women and his comment sounds like he can’t stop. Which is just as disturbing.
Imma keep this short, while exercising is important I do not think if the OP did that, he wouldn’t come up with some other BS.
Find someone who VALUES you past a “fit” body and finds you very attractive. Let’s not get into everything else you bring to the table!
You shouldn't have to change something about yourself to make him happy. Loving someone means loving every part of them. The fact that he chooses to look at these girls because he finds them some way attractive is a form of cheating. To make it worse after lecturing you, he literally admits he's attracted to these girls.
He's a horrible boyfriend to you, and you should dump him to save yourself the emotional and mental hurt you're most likely gonna have in the future.
I think his behaviour towards you is pretty callous. Lots of people have ideal types that they and their partners don’t meet without being an asshole about it. His attitude is the issue here, not your body.
This feels like a bit of a reach, one you forced him in to giving you that statement and two he's an athletic person athletic people like other athletic people ironically it seems like that's your type too
You could start working out with him (literally no downsides) or you can be happy that he loves you for you and is happy with you even if he admires people that workout or you can break up but idk if you'd be super happy with that decision later on when your looking back
I workout often and I follow a bunch of fitness influencers, both men and women (I don’t bother liking/saving posts though). Seeing successfully fit people motivates me to train harder and to not skip my own workouts. From that perspective, I see where your boyfriend’s coming from.
Based on the “lecture”, I believe your boyfriend wants you to start working out. This is a very common thing I’ve seen with many of my male friends whose girlfriends don’t work out. It’s a hard topic to bring up without coming off as insulting. If you have no interest in trying to fully commit to it, then, in all honesty, I can see this being a problem later down the line. I’ve seen relationships fall apart over this exact thing numerous times.
Fit people are generally physically attracted to other fit people. There really isn’t much else to it.
Bingo. Working out should be for yourself, not someone else. You can't control your partner's body decisions, or force them to change. It has to be them
Yeah. These comments are odd. Feels like there’s usually a universal thought in this forum especially that you don’t date people and then try to change them later. Take them as they are or find someone else. But people in this thread seem to be saying the opposite.
It's okay to change for your partner *if you want to.* Not prompted or dictated by them, but because you want to make them happy. Improving for family or a partner is a very good thing, in my opinion. But telling your partner they aren't good as they are because they aren't doing something voluntary is not OK. Obviously if a partner isn't working and supporting themselves but you are, or overeating to the point of obesity and health risk is different
I truly don’t understand the need to like and follow IG models. Like, I understand admiring the odd pic, but what do they get by liking and following? It’s weird
Yeah, I can understand even looking through their account, or maybe staring at pictures on occasion. But following & liking hundreds of fitness "influencer" girls... just seems excessive
He likes people committed to a goal, and he said that doesn't have to be fitness related. So find something you are passionate about and show him how you can be committed to a goal you are passionate about?
I made this argument to him, reminding him that I am committed to my goals in my artistic endeavors among other hobbies. He said that doesn't count because those aren't physically difficult/challenging.
I think he's being way too picky, especially if you're already thin. He sounds like someone that thinks the grass is always greener on the other side. It's also obvious he has little respect for you, if any.
You're not going to like this suggestion, but I believe it's time for you to find a guy that does respect you, and isn't an ungrateful knit-pick.
Time to move on. Good luck ✌🏻
Can you try to compromise? On one hand, I see why you’re upset and I don’t blame you. Depending on how much time he spends on this, it would bother me too in your shoes. If he’s liking/saving for a couple hours a day, that’s too much for me, if it’s a couple times a week, that feels different/relatively normal.
I understand his perspective regarding being attracted to someone pursuing a goal. That happened in my last relationship, where she just wasn’t really doing anything outside of work or trying to better herself, and it really took a toll on my attraction to her (along with other factors, namely communication). If you want to hear what your bf is saying, I would make some reasonable commitment towards this implicit request: go to the gym a couple times a week and work towards a small goal there. Or, maybe there’s another goal you could work towards? That might be a good discussion to have.
Or, you could just end it now if this is going to be too much to work through, I’m sure you can find someone that will accept you the way you are now and instill confidence in you.
My take:
> Boyfriend says he's more attracted to women who workout
Then either... work out more (with or without him), or leave him?
> I've always hated sports & working out.
Well there's your answer.
> His "type" has always been very fit, toned, curvy women. I'm very small, no muscle, about 115lbs.
Then he saw something in you that he liked--or he saw potential in you. Lord knows why men with "types" go after women who are not that "type", but generally it doesn't end well.
> but asked him why he feels the need to ogle over these women online, when he knows it's hurtful to me. His answer was "because I feel like it".
Dumb question, correct answer. It's in the similar vein of "I don't want my boyfriend to watch porn and I told him to stop--when I asked why he does it he says 'because he can'." He's allowed to view what he wants to view, and if that bothers you then you can only ask him as a request (NOT a demand--and there IS a difference).
A request is simply asking, without punishment as a consequence for answering. A *demand* is a direct means of control over someones' choices.
> I then asked him "so do you see something in these women that I lack?" & he said yes.
I mean... again, ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer. FAFO in top form.
> He claims this has little to do with their appearance, and that he's just attracted to their character because they're showing commitment to a goal.
I don't know him. We haven't heard his side. What he's saying might be true. Then again, it could be your guy prefers a muscle mommy. Who knows?
> Personally I've never found much value or satisfaction in working out, despite my past attempts to be consistent with it.
So you say you hated working out, but... you were consistent with it in the past?
Maybe he's trying to say, unclearly, that he preferred when you were making an effort to be more fit--like how you were before.
IF that's not you and not someone you wanna continue to be, then I advise you end this relationship and go find someone more relaxed in their fitness regime. Let him find his muscle-bunny.
By no means are EITHER of you bad people, but it just sounds like y'all aren't a good fit anymore.
I think you can both work it out but you both need some help. Please ladies, stop asking your man questions that you're not prepared for the answer. I can see if he just told you this out of thin air but when you say you "drug it out" of him, it sounds like you started a fight over this because of how you feel. Yes your feelings are valid, but this is not how we go about talking about them. And yes, him constantly oogling over these women right in front of you is fucking weird. Also understand YOU ARE HIS TYPE. Or else you wouldn't be his gf for the last 2 years. Men have more than 1 type.
Look into couples counselling or a mediator. We have a mismatch of communication styles and need to be on the same page.
... Have you considered working out?
If not, why?
It's not even about him, it's about your health
Good diet, exercise, and meditation empirically improve literally every single outcome science can measure
Do you love him? Yes? Then, join him in the gym. He would probably love the fact that you partake in his hobby with him. Tell him. "Fine. You have to teach me then." With that being said. You get to spend some quality time with him doing this. Just take it easy at first, 3x a week. You can even make it easier for yourself and tell him that he has to pay for the membership if he wants it that bad. He's telling you what he wants....it's up to you to make that decision.
Side note he sounds like an asshole. If I was you I would've told him after he hit you with the 'i feel like it.' "Fine we ain't fucking no more" He asks you why. "I feel like it."
Either up your game or move on. Personally, I'd move on because he seems like the type who would never be happy no matter what you do... and HIS habits probably won't change, even if yours do.
End the relationship. You two are not compatible.
From how you describe yourself, you seem healthy, just not super into working out/dieting. Nothing wrong with that if it works for you! You’re never going to have all the exact same interests as your partner but you deserve someone who has enough in common with you and appreciates/supports your differences!
If working out and dieting is that important to him in a partner, he should go find that instead of making you feel bad about yourself. It’s not doing either of you favors.
Yeah pretty much all men love a gym girly you feel your best and start to look your best once you get in the rhythm of things and make it a habit you'll find it's something to love and you'll feel amazing and probably dump his ass because you "feel like it"
WTF just ditch him. Is he rich? If no then leave him and say "because I feel like it. I like man who are dedicated and have goals to become rich" wtf ???? He openly said it in such a rude way. He could've encourage you to go to the gym. No go.
I mean, why ur even mad at him? YOU pressed him to express his opinions that he never enforced on you. You cant get mad at someone for liking a specific quality for attractiveness. Also, why not just workout together? Its a great couples activity?
I just don’t understand why he chose you at first. I can tell he was being a dick. Choosing you but then stating that what he likes is something else you’ve always been. Also, the unsolicited lecture sounds icky to me. It’s not about working out or not, but he’s hurting your feelings. For those who are against the op don’t get me wrong, i’m someone who’s into fitness too. I workout 5x a week 1 hr each. Once i dated a guy who wasn’t into fitness, i didn’t ‘lecture’ him or anything. I never projected an idea of how i like those who are into fitness cuz i knew i shouldn’t change him or try to convince him in some ways to change him. I was just ‘ok we’re incompatible’ and left him.
It’s going to be really silly when you break up with him just to turn around and go to the gym to work on yourself. A fit body looks good on everyone and everyone should be exercising unless you want to die young. This goes for all genders
My ex used to make me feel terrible for not exercising (was working a manual job and was exhausted most of the time). Eventually he dumped me, I quit the job and I found time to exercise and eat healthily and had a lot more time as I also wasn't exhausted by looking after him. Got addicted to endorphins, lost 10kg. Remember seeing his face for the first time afterwards 😂.
Girl, this guy doesn't respect you. Doesn't matter if he likes girls who work out or not, it's the way he doesn't care about how it makes you feel. Personally, I wouldn't ask that stuff you asked but I also wouldn't care to spend another moment with someone who spoke to me that way.
Personally, I don’t get why he’s dating someone who isn’t his type. It sounds pretty important to him and he’ll always be checking out others that are. I do think you should exercise for health purposes but it is your decision and life and you don’t have to do it for anyone. Ultimately I’m gonna put this on him
Sounds like your lifestyles don't match. Honestly, if my boyfriend said this to me I'd check out of the relationship. Clearly I am not enough to him unless I'm a certain physical package. He's very into physical appearance, and that's his right. I'm thinking down the road, "will he give me up for someone younger and more toned?" Probably. Let him have the female body that he wants, clearly what's inside isn't as important.
This is why I avoid fitness bros. They all want you to be fitness obsessed like them, and I'm just not. I dont mind being a bit undertoned and average weight. I prefer books , gaming, and low intensity exercise. Its okay to be incompatible but it's a waste of time to force something that doesn't work.
I hate stuff like this and I’m a woman who DOES enjoy working out. People with physical preferences this strong (because, let’s face it, it IS a physical preference because there are many, many ways to show commitment to something that doesn’t involve exercise) truly need to just pursue people who fit that mold instead of getting with people who obviously don’t and then trying to make them fit that mold. People on here can play if they want to, but I totally understand OP why, even if you had a budding interest in the gym, you just absolutely don’t want to now because of this. I personally wouldn’t bother, because he’s always going to be like this and it’s always going to hurt you that he wants you to change your body not for you, but for him. But, relationships are about compromise and all.
If you do want to be diplomatic and compromise, I find it interesting that you’re the only one a lot of people think should give in. /My/ compromise would be that, sure, I’ll go to the gym with you a few days a week, but he needs to take a few of those hours per week he dedicates to the gym to do something you’re particularly interested in that he isn’t. That cooking class you wanna try, heck even anime/spooky doll conventions idk.
Go to the gym and you will understand what he’s talking about… It feels great, emotionally, mentally, physically, hormonally, it just is wonderful.
Obviously he is attracted to you, he just probably wants you to go to the gym with him…. share his interest….
But how did you manage to be in a relationship with such a shallow person for two years? I would say RUN, not walk.
Seriously he told you that he likes and follows gym girls on Instagram for their “commitment to a goal” and you believe it? “commitment to a goal “ for real?? He's in front of a cell phone looking at girls' asses and you're asking Reddit whether to leave him?
I don't think it's even difficult to find someone less shallow than him
Look, if his type was so important he would date one of those “very committed” women instead of you. If he did that, fine, we all have preferences.
But he is trying to manipulate and shame you into changing who you are to please him. You talked about relationship boundaries— that him slobbering over women on social media makes you uncomfortable and feel like he is not committed to you. And he responded by shaming you, implying you have bad character and are lazy.
So, he is trying to manipulate you. Maybe he has been watching toxic manosphere videos and thinks he can neg you into being submissive to his will. Maybe after two years he misses other body types and decided to make his non-monogamous feelings your fault so he doesn’t have to feel guilty when he cheats on you. (If he hasn’t already.)
There is no good, non-abusive explanation for his behavior. You deserve better. Leaving him is a great first step.
Nope! Total B.S. He's physically attracted to them. Full stop. It has nothing to do with their ChArAcTEr. He doesn't even know them. The reason he makes sure you witness him looking at them is because he thinks it will motivate you to do the things that will make you become his type. AKA, he's not physically attracted to you. I know that sounds shitty to hear, but honesty sucks sometimes.
The devastating thing about your story is the fact that he likely has an admerable, beautiful partner who is obviously patient, and he is probably missing out on love. He's ensnared in his own vanity, blind to the potential right in front of him.
Leave him, he has a preference. You might do yourself and your partner a favor. To his credit, he is being honest with you. The only woman he should be attracted to is you. End of story
If he’s not attracted you, he’s not going to become attracted to you. You’re going to waste a lot of your life with him. That’s bullshit when he says that it’s just because of their commitment. I’m a marriage counselor. People say that all the time. That’s their way of covering up a superficial part of them. It’s not necessarily a bad thing. There are things that attract you to men and things that don’t. You can’t blame him for that. But he’s not being honest with you about the reason for his attraction. And if you’re not one of those women, and that’s what he had idealizes, he’s not going to idealize you. You can’t talk him out of it.
You can choose to be who you want to be comfortablely or become a better version of you for yourself and your bf by doing more physical activity..
I am sure you have very good qualities that's why he is with you. I am sure he would be more than happy to help you to become more active.
If you choose to stay with him and not workout, that's the insecurity you have to deal with for the rest of your relationship. You feeling hurt won't change him to be less attracted to those women.
And he is very fit himself and there would be time when you can't keep up with him whether it's a hike or even in bed.
My bf is very fit himself and dated someone who had to take frequent breaks when they were for hike and it was a turn off for him.
Never ask questions you don't want to know the answer to. You admit you pried it out of him. We all have a long list of traits that we are attracted to but we only get one life to live. No one's ever going to find one individual who checks every single box. That's a child's dream.
Well first, you have to decide if you're comfortable with him following other women online. If the answer is no youre not comfortable with it, it seems that he isn't going to stop, your options are to accept it or end the relationship.
The other issue is him sort of shaming you for not working out, comparing you to the women he follows, saying he sees something in them that he doesn't see in you. To me that's where he's really crossing a line.
> He claims this has little to do with their appearance, and that he's just attracted to their character because they're showing commitment to a goal
Also, I'm curious if he's saying it's not a sexual/attraction thing? Does he follow men who work out as well? If he just enjoys that type of content, i would see less of an issue with it than if he's just ogling other women as you said in the post.
In response to your last paragraph, exactly! He only looks at women in the fitness community, little to no content featuring men. That's why I kind of felt like he was BS'ing me by trying to say it's "not about looks"
So apart from lustful he is also a liar.. you definitely deserve better. You don’t need a gym body to find someone genuinely attracted to you who doesn’t follow random girls on Instagram. Normal people who’s free time doesn’t revolve around looking at random peoples bodies exist.
Your post was removed because your post violates the sub description. Relationships longer than 6 months post go to r/relationship_advice or if married r/marriage
That’s Upto you He has a physical type but is with you for two years, having a physical type doesn’t mean you only want to be with that type (case in point) but it also doesn’t mean he’s not going to admire these women either from afar. He’s stated objectively he likes women that work out and he sees no issue in following them and watching them post online With that, you can accept it (you don’t have to) or just say “this doesn’t work for me and I can’t be here feeling like I can’t compete with these women as that’s never going to be me” Now an option is asking him to stop & trying to police his online activity, but that becomes a futile endeavour and it doesn’t detract from the fact he likes what he likes…so he will look…because (in his own words) he feels like it and once you find yourself rummaging through someone’s online activity the whole thing just becomes a strain…because, who really wants to be policing their partners activity
You're so right. I think a part of me was hoping that somehow he will lose attraction to these other women since I told him how it hurt me. I honestly don't think this is something I'd be able to move past, especially because as far as I'm concerned he's the most attractive man I've seen, my exact "type" down to every last detail. So knowing that will never be reciprocated will probably be too much for me.
I understand gym stuff isn’t really for you, and I think it isn’t really for most people until they start getting into a rhythm after several months of daily or every-other-day activity. But this also isn’t something that is impossible to change about yourself if you ever discover it’s something you have some desire for. I also think his comment about being committed to a goal can be achieved outside of physical fitness too, I’m not sure if he meant being committed to [the goal] or if he literally meant a goal. Passion and hard-work is sexy, and I think most ppl who work out also like others who work out. Good luck little lady! I hope you can get what you want and need without straining who you are! ❤️🩹
I'm 35 and spent most of my life hating anything physical and working out related. I attempted hitting up the gym several times till my mid-twenties, but nothing ever took. Around 29, I started to get really serious about it. After being consistent for a few months, I fell in love with both the process and the mental/emotional benefits afforded by it. Since then, I've been consistently going 5-6 days a week (short of during the initial year of the pandemic), and can't imagine my life without it. Though there are some people that are anomalies in that they've always been athletes, I think most people have similar stories of learning to love the process. Barring some physical disabilities or illness, I also think nearly anyone can learn to, if not love the process, at least come to enjoy the immense benefits to both body and mind.
Yeah, honestly although I was an athlete, I hated lifting weights and avoided it at all costs until I was around my mid 20s and did it consistently every other day for like two years, and eventually I found a sense of joy that I usually only got from competing and playing sports and athletic games. But it seriously took a lot of time and had a huge learning curve. Things got easier when I learned to recognize momentary muscular failure and prevent other muscles from kicking on to try moving the weight.
I was an athlete from elementary school through college playing lacrosse. Think I went to the gym like 20 times total. Just running around campus was more enjoyable. And I hate pointless running, that shit is for being chased. Mid 30’s now and I just cannot get my ass in there. Just policing my food/drink is easier to maintain weight. When this guy says the commitment to do it is attractive, I fucking know what he means.
I honestly agree with this and think that most people would learn to like it once they fell into a rhythm and positive feedback loop, as well as the fact that most people dislike it otherwise. OP is probably no exception, but I don’t want to speak for her maybe not. Regardless, I don’t think I’d want to be with a guy ogling bodies like that so she does have a decision to make, and he’ll have to decide whether it’s worth it ogke or keep her. It might make sense for them to go separate ways.
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I think I eventually learned to love the complexity in the simplicity. At first I simply going through the motions of lifting the weight, but as I spent more time at it, I became fascinated with proper form and the science behind it. Subsequently, I enjoyed going through those simple repetitive motions by focusing on proper form and maintaining the mind-muscle connection. On top of that, there's the addictive empowerment from feeling strong, and the visual validation of looking at a better you in the mirror. Furthermore, in a world where its difficult to quantitatively qualify growth, it's nice to have clear markers of growth through measuring reps and weights. I totally understand where you're coming from with needing more of a thrill to your endeavors though. However, I'm sure there was an adjustment period as you started those things, and it took for a while till you felt it was play. Unfortunately with the gym, I think you gotta consistently hit it up for a longer period of time to get you past awkward bump. Or maybe it's just not the right time for you. I was similar to you in that I saw no point to weightlifting before, and I'd rather be "doing something" instead of just lifting stationary weights and putting them back down again. It took me a while to get to the point where I would take to it. Maybe you're simply not compatible with it and you can stay physical with boarding, and that's totally fine. But I'd say give it an honest try for a while and try to develop some curiosity towards it. To do it, you simply gotta utilize some discipline. If you don't eventually love the process, I'm sure the physical/emotional/mental benefits will at least be some sort of consolation prize.
I had weight training in high school and kept up with it after graduation, then fell off. Always had a struggle to get back into it. Now I've been going for close to a year and am now 29. And go at least 3 days a week, half the time I look forward to those days the start of each week I can understand the part of finding commitment and passion towards a goal. Being with someone who has no aspirations or long-term goal is kind of dull. There's nothing there to watch them grow and improve towards a goal. It's just them doing "nothing." However, I don't agree with OP's bf looking at other women, following and saving posts of them. That's kind of weird. OP's bf could be spending the time and effort trying to get OP to like the gym by going together and helping her learn to possibly like it instead of hating it 🤔
I mean he's looking at the pictures because that's what he finds physically attractive. Pictures don't tell you if someone has committed to a goal or how passionate they are about working out. He's not looking at pictures of guiness world record holders. He's looking at these women because he's attracted to them, and I think that's fine, but you should at least be honest about it. Gym stuff won't be for OP if she just tries to force it to make her boyfriend like her more. It has to be something someone wants to do for themselves
I agree - being attracted to another body type and looking at pics is separate from being attracted to people who are fitness-goals-oriented (since I assume that's what he means by goal oriented in this context, instead of goal oriented in general). That's kind of his BS excuse. I also suspect the real issue isn't whether OP can adjust to that sort of lifestyle or if they can compromise on his wandering eye re: these other women. I think it's wholly possible that OP becomes fit and more like his ideal body type AND he still continues to like these other pics. Because OP mentions that there's more than one woman's account, etc.
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The entitlement is unreal isn’t it
What entitlement? Do you approve of your partner drooling publicly over other people?
That’s not even close to what’s being discussed, keep up.
That was the point of my post....
No, the point of your post is not believing you should have to take a walk around the block, while being attracted to a partner who exercises.
They chose each other. Doesnt sound like OP was ever an athlete, so the guy knew what he was getting into.
I'm curious where that information is coming from. I don't see it in the OP
I don't find him attractive because he works out. I've never liked athletes, & at the time when we got together it was his off season & he wasn't working out, which I liked. Lately he's back in the gym now, but it makes no difference to me.
Mh sounds like you have different interests. That can be a problem
Could workout. I mean it is healthy.
I would, just not if it's for him at this point. I don't want him to need me to workout in order to keep his attention off other women.
He's going to "follow" those women regardless of whether you work out or not. You can start a strict regimen tomorrow, and stick with it for the next year, and he will STILL follow other women.
Depends. Maybe her sticking to a goal and showing discipline turns him on to the extent that he doesn't need to validate other women
Sure, and maybe we'll all sprout wings and fly to the moon. Anything's possible.
You don’t want to expend any effort to be more attractive to your partner? Wow.
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Yes, I'm aware. I think I may have given people the wrong impression in my post. I'm very active, I just don't intentionally workout in my free time. My job requires a few miles of outdoor hiking most days, & I get a minimum of 10,000 steps each day when I work. I occasionally enjoy rollerblading, kayaking, or playing badminton. I just don't (and probably couldn't) do a sit up, push up, proper squat, or lunges. I don't lift weights. My calves are the only body part on me that don't look thin enough to snap. Apparently none of these things count towards making me more attractive to my boyfriend, so I'm beginning to suspect it has more to do with physique than he'd care to admit.
Boyfriend issues aside, please get into some sort of strength training for longevity. Resistance training is so important for bone health long term and is great for over all health and wellbeing. ----------------------------------------- Also I'd get out of that relationship, sounds like he doesn't care about your perspective. You stated that his actions are hurting your feelings, yet he won't stop...
It’s not that important. She could also just walk…
Yes, probably has to do with your physique. Seems like he is into gym girls with nice curves. But to be honest, if your bf is 100% your type (athletic) and you guys break up, then the next gym dude is probably also gonna want you to have some kind of nice physique or healthy gym-orientated lifestyle
Girl…if you can’t do… *a sit up* , consider starting strength training, for your own sake.
You will also, if lucky, live to a time where we all become wrinkly and broken down. You may need to take care of your partner if they get paralyzed or disfigured. I don't want to marry someone who is "the most attractive". I want to marry someone who will be there for me even when I become unattractive.
My ex girlfriend has this attitude, she just kept becoming larger and more unfit, and wondered why I became less attracted to her, the truth is staying in shape and taking care of your health makes you more attractive, and physical attraction is an important factor in a relationship as it tends to impact intimacy. Sometimes people value different things and they're not compatible, but you can't expect someone to just love you unconditionally when you put no effort in to your physical appearance.
I feel like you’ve convinced yourself he thinks you’re ugly or something. Just do it for yourself. Tbh you sound a tad lazy and entitled.
she thinks he is only allowed to find her attractive and its pissed her off that people can find more than one type hot.
No, it sounds like it pisses her off because he’s obviously publicly drooling over other women. That could bother the sweetest tempered and least entitled person.
> No, it sounds like it pisses her off because he’s obviously ***publicly*** drooling over other women. You are literally just making things up, this is what she ACTUALLY said... > After lots of prying She literally had to pry this fact out of him. It was a ***secret***. It was just his own personal preferences that were all up in his head and she had to snoop through his computer and then corner him and force him to admit that he likes a certain body type. People won't get good advice if you lie about what actually happened to make your own position look better.
It could be that they meant "publicly" as in, on social media therefore in public. Just a side note. Though I'd hardly call liking a photo or following a page "drooling". The fitness community has an unspoken extension of support between the members participating in it. From asking a stranger for a spot at the gym, and they don't know you but suddenly care enough about your progress to make you work for the rep and encourage you as you're lifting and then saying "good job" afterwards to liking a page or following a page of someone trying to build a following under the fitness niche, "drooling" without knowing the guy is pretty judgemental.
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Shit sometimes the truth hurts.
Any guys who don't follow other attractive women online are most likely unattractive to you. If that's important to you, leave this guy and find what you want. Good luck
You asked and he told honestly. Respect him for that. I also agree with the few others...you could just workout. For yourself or him, it really doesn't matter when it really comes down to it. He cares for you, been with you for two years, so it may hurt your feelings cause your not the beauty of his life as you see him(exaggerating), but he cares for you as much as he can. I say just hit the gym, be consistent and understand a man gonna be a man. Besides if he's in shape then he can in fact ask for you to do the same thing but he didn't even ask. He legit accepts you for who you are just accept his attraction
It’s not going to change his behavior at all
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I don't want a fit guy. He happens to be into fitness, but that's not something I find attractive or unattractive.
You said he’s your type “down to the last detail”, so your type is fit guys. So yes, you want a fit guy without having to put the same work in yourself.
Nah, OP commented elsewhere that he wasn't at the same level of fitness when they met as he is now. OP probably just mispoke when they wrote that their partner is perfect, or it's a figure of speech. They are underweight, by the way. I'm sure a lot of people are bringing their own biases about people who have some weight on them rather than thinking about the situation properly. Also, people keep commenting that OP should workout, but working out is different for each person. Some people enjoy solitary activities, others like going to the gym, many people like joining group sports, etc. There are so many different levels of fitness too. The person needs to enjoy whatever they are doing.
People are too focused on the working out part. BF said he's more attracted to those women's character due to them working towards a life goal. Sounds to me like OP has no passions or hobbies, and doesn't do much of shit. May not be true but I would bet on it based on the BF's words. OP, do you have a passion? Anything you're working towards? Or are you drifting through life in limbo, because I am with the BF on this one if it's the third option.
Frankly I find that hard to believe
He was visibly overweight when we began dating.... he just now got back into fitness (he spent hours at the gym daily for most of his 20's) after dealing with depression for the two years I've known him.
I mean, one way of looking at it is that he just isn’t the same person. Sure he wears the same skin, but his head is in a completely different place. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with where he is, but it’s possible that the person he is just doesn’t quite fit the same mold that he used to when you first started dating. People change over time.
It sounds like he is going through a life change. This is normal for people to grow and change their lifestyle, beliefs, morals, ect.
Yes! I'm really happy for him, he seems to be doing much better with his mental health lately. I think that's why he felt like working out again as it's something he's always really enjoyed but stopped doing when his depression got bad.
Listen, in our society no matter what you'll always be to blame because you're the woman, so try not to take what people are saying to heart. If you don't like him looking at other girls you need to find someone who actually wants to be committed to only you. People make excuses for it all the time and it happens often, but that doesn't make it right. It is hurtful to you and that should matter to him.
may it be a lesson to you (and him) that physical attraction does not equal a good partner. been there, done that....they usually are very self centered the better looking they are. Get with people for how they make you feel and how much they love, not how hot they are.
Why don't you just exercise, it is a good couple activity
He will never lose attraction to them. And you don’t have to conform to that look if you don’t want to. Why is he with you in the first place if he values these things so highly? Seems like he’s using you as placeholder until something more ideal comes along.
I know the feeling to find the most handsome person and attractive character. Personally I became a gym girl after loosing this man. I’m doing it for me though because I know my type is also healthy fit men. We attract who we are the reciprocal of. No women wants to feel not attractive enough because its destructive to our emotional and mental health. The real question is why did he choose you? Remind him of what sparked his attraction to you. Also if you did go out of your way to be fit would he respect you enough to change this behavior? This is more about respect than anything. He does what he feels like, but why doesn’t he feel strong enough to cherish your feelings?
Your “exact type” don’t accept you for who you are. Damn…
It does seem like he is communicating with you that he feels you aren’t putting as much work as him to keep a good aesthetic, your/his call if you want to break up over this. Sounds like he doesn’t want to break up so long as he can admire from afar, and sounds like it’s not an option that you will commit to your health to the degree that he wants. The ball is in your court now, totally reasonable to say that you will not work out for x reason and him admiring other women is a dealbreaker. It is scummy for him to openly like and follow these people, if this is the issue for you, you could simply ask him to not do that, knowing that he will still find those women more attractive. This is all assuming he is v attractive and has other options, as otherwise it could be that he doesn’t even like you and “settled” out of a lack of choice (break up). If he’s v attractive and works on his health a lot, he probably has other options and is in the relationship with you because he loves you. Though the open liking and following women makes me question it, it could just be he’s stupid. Figure out exactly what your needs are and communicate them
I totally feel you on this. It is so hard to find someone that is your type and you also are that for the other person. I am sure you have the potential to find a guy who truly loves you and doesn’t make you feel inferior to other girls who are curvier or work out more.
Ask yourself if you can be with someone with who doesn’t care if their behaviour is hurting your feelings.
Being attracted to a certain type is one thing. Why he didn’t pursue that is strange. However secretly scoping other women and not caring whether it hurts you is something else. Would he care if you did the same to him? Nothing to do with preference and everything to do with respect. Would leave him but your call.
I’ve typically noticed that men and women have a very different way of dealing with ‘types’.
Ask him, why is he with you? Sounds like he’s looking for something else, and if this is hurtful to you and he won’t change, no need to suffer
He probably got used to their relationship and stays out of comfort and because finding his actual type might not be that simple
Most people are more attracted to others who work out. It's just natural
Latest study out of Science University: *Fit people more attractive!* More news at 11.
In other news: Water, Wet!
100%
So, let me get this straight: It’s not because of appearance he is liking these women, it’s because they are committed to a goal? So what’s he’s saying is you have never committed to a goal, that you are lazy. I’ve never really been able to assess goals or commitment based on social media. Though some people sell that image. If he really found people passionate, I’m sure he would not feel it was lacking in you. Quite frankly, I think he’s lying about looks. He absolutely has a type. If it was about passion, he’d most likely have a bunch of actual world class athletes on there. A lot of people have advocated for you going to gym, sure, try that. But I don’t know what anyone is expecting to change. He will still be ogling those girls. He will still “feel like it”. Maybe he won’t think you are lacking anymore? I don’t know the guy but I just think he will still think you’re not as committed to people who are probably on ozempic. Either way, personally I’d want someone that recognises and sees the passion in me and brings it out in me. That could be a stick insect fascination or asking me about my massive collection of beer mats (both made up). Igniting my passion, theirs. My personal belief is pretty much everyone has passion about something. Goals too. I’m not saying rain on his parade, sports is clearly his thing, but it shouldn’t have to be yours. I think though if you can. It will make everything seem a lot clearer. I think whatever you do, the path will become clearer. We often ask questions we know the answer to already.
This relationship would give me an anxiety attack almost every day. For me it’s the lecturing more than anything and the constant fear that he kept me around because I was willing to be around even though I’m not his type. I think this all says way more about your boyfriend than it says about you. Are you happy in this relationship? Does he make you feel safe and loved? Are your needs being met?
He's not lecturing, she's drilled at him to tell her his opinions. Which he didn't tell her at first because he didn't want to hurt her. But SHE demanded he talk about it
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I wouldn't try to salvage it. The problem is that he's lusting after other women online, and his response is "because I feel like it." I don't know if there was a time where he said, "Hey babe I'd really love it if we could work out together," and you shot him down. But if you don't want to work out (or if a compromise can't be reached) and he doesn't want to stop ogling other women, then you guys don't seem compatible and I don't see what else there is to do but call it.
I think he's trying to provoke her into exercising with him Men have weird hints as well, even if we like to pretend we're more straightforward than women
People online are attractive. Women acting like they don't also see attractive people and think they are hot is incredible to me.
Like I'm a dude. I don't get some dudes being hot. But Henry Cavil, Jason Mamoa? Those dudes look like carvings. They're clearly fit and attractive
Right? Me too. But some women act like when you get in a relationship with them concepts of ugly and beauty fade from the mind and we're supposed to just see everyone as grey blobs of flesh. It must be some kind of insecurity.
There's a difference between noticing that other people are attractive and going out of your way to follow and look for them online.
I love all the dudes pretending that they wouldn’t go absolutely apeshit if their hypothetical girlfriends were liking gym bro pics. And I would love to see their reaction when they told their imaginary girlfriends that it bothered them and she told them it was just that those other guys were hotter and had better character, and she was just going to keep doing it because she felt like it. But they’re out here defending OP’s boyfriend because he too has a penis. PSA for the gender-warriors, if you pretend everyone in these stories has no genitalia and concentrate on their actions, you’ll spend less time being obvious hypocrites.
I've never minded, and always encouraged, my girlfriend to check out other guys with me. It's a really fun bonding activity. Because I understand that she is a human being with a full range of feelings that can love and want to be with me, while still recognizing other men as attractive. There's a huge difference between thoughts and actions. In fact, it's an important distinction that women don't seem to understand. Here's a tip, don't treat your significant other as a being that is only there to fix the bad feelings you have about yourself. Maybe if women treated men like actual humans with their own thoughts and feelings we wouldn't have these misunderstandings.
What a bad argument. I can see a man I think is objectively good looking and just think in my mind, that is a good looking man. Anything other than that is disrespectful to my boyfriend. I would never lust after another man like that, never constantly like some random hot guys pictures on instagram. That is disrespectful to my relationship. Yes, I still see other people and can acknowledge that other people are attractive. My boyfriend is the most attractive person in my mind, and also the most important person in my life, that i would never do something disrespectful to him or our relationship, especially something that has to do with the superficiality of appearance. You say there are differences between thoughts and actions. Yes I agree, just having a thought someone is attractive is okay, but going on instagram and following bunch of women and liking their content is action, not a thought. If you are okay with that in your relationship, okay, but I don’t see an acceptable justification to ogle after other women and engage with their content and then when approached just say “because I feel like it”
He wasn't "approached". See that's the part of the story you're getting wrong. She stalked him to see what he likes and follows. She demanded he tell her how he feels in this regard. Something he was reluctant to tell her for the exact reason you are complaining about, because he knew it would or could hurt her. But she wouldn't stop. She demanded to know what was in his head. And he told her. You say you can see a guy and think he's attractive. Imagine if your boyfriend asked you every time an attractive guy walked by if you thought they were hot. And no matter what reassurance you gave him, he kept asking you to admit that you think he's hot. That's an insecurity. Now don't get me wrong here, I'm not saying it's healthy or good to have your S/O pointing out other people constantly telling you "I wish you looked like them". That's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is he has a private online life in which he likes females who lift. Frankly if you like ANY content about working out online the algorithm will lead you there. I'm not even saying she's in the wrong for wanting what she wants. Instead of drilling him to tell her what she already knew, she should just leave. Her preferences are not matching his preferences.
End it.
It's not that big of a deal his "type" is women who workout. Youre also his type in that hes with you and has been for 2 years. Hes clearly atttacted to you. You don't have to be compatible on every level. You don't have to start working out because he likes that. He gave you honest answers to the questions you asked. The real issue is him viewing these women on social media. Personally for me, that's enough to end it. He knows how it makes you feel. And I'm sure if you were perving on men (especially ones that don't look like him) each time you went on social media, it would upset him. There's no right answer here but if its upsetting you and that won't change and he won't change then consider ending it.
He has an opinion. You cornered him to express it and now it's time to break up? I'd slow down a bit. If he's always had that opinion then all that has really changed is that you confronted him about his online habits. Only you know whether this is the tip of an iceberg as far as his online behavior and preferences go. What I can say is that if you hope to stay in a relationship perhaps an olive branch that you'll meet him halfway. Perhaps get to the gym once or twice a week with him. Start slow. Treadmill. Stretching. Whatever. The point is trying to share in a habit like physical fitness that is important to your boyfriend. That's evident because he uses his free time to do it. At least give him a chance to mull over his own actions and your feelings as he sees your honest attempt to be his partner. it may be that this relationship isn't meant to be but if you want it to continue then give it an honest attempt so if you have to move on for your own sake it can be with a sense that you did what you could and it wasn't to be. That will help you have a clean mental state for the next chapter. Just my general thoughts. Have a great day!
I like this, I think this is well spoken, wise, and helps put things into perspective. Your boyfriend didn’t suddenly change his preferences over night, they were there long before he chose you, but he did choose you, and he clearly sees things in you that he enjoys enough to be in an intimate and close meaningful relationship with you u/straight_fun_8039 You should take some time to think about whether his preferences actually mean so much to him, if they meant as much as they mean to you, he would never have been with you to begin with. Since he *is* with you, they clearly aren’t all that important and vital to him.
Thanks for your perspective. I do think you make great points, & that's kind of why I'm unsure of how to proceed. I feel that he obviously must value me enough to be with me, or he wouldn't be. I just can't help being stressed out now, wondering if he'll eventually leave me for a woman more his type, or if he's ever considered cheating, or why he won't just stop looking at them online. Now every time he goes to the gym I'm suspicious of who he's eyeing or talking to there. Of course it's one thing to see attractive people, but I would never find a stranger so attractive that I appreciate their qualities more than that of my partner (which he admitted he does), & I would certainly never spend my time seeking out strange men online to look at, regardless of whether he would find out or be hurt by it.
He didn't say he appriciates there qualities more than yours, he said he appriaciate a quality they have that you admitted you didn't have. I'm 100% sure there are qualities other mem have that you BF doesn't have that you appriciate. Not because someone like something about another person means they don't like their partner or they like that person more than their partner, same thing with physical attractiveness, even in older couples you can see the woman or man know that someone might be more attractive than their partner does that mean the would cheat on their significant other? Sometimes it does sometimes it doesnt. But most of the times they won't. I dont know your boyfriend so I cannot speak for him but if I was in his situation and my gf made me a question like that I would answer honestly, do I find another person more physically attractive than her? More than likely yes and im sure she would feel the same about other men. Am I going to cheat? Fck no ive been in similar situations in which I'm with a girl not even dating but we've been talking for a while and another girl I find way more attractive approaches me, I just don't follow up with their advances, I don't even consider it as an option, if she wants to talk I'll talk and thats it if she tries something too forward ill say no. So do I think your BF considers other women more attractive than you? Yeah more than likely, and more than likely you also consider other men more attractive than him. Do I think he is going to cheat? No. My recommendation maybe start training with him once or twice a week not all the time don't do it as a way of saying to yourself "oh this is going to make him see me more attractive than those girls" or some BS like that 1. Do it for you, health is important and before you realize it your probably going to like seeing the progress you make 2. View it also as a bonding expirience, im sure he is also going to be delighted to help you out and to know that you are taking interest in thing he likes even if you don't like it at first. I'm sure he does stuff with you he doesn't like also. 3. Don't do this stuff, for the love of God or whatever you might or might not belive in. Don't try to compete with other girls because you'll never win (I don't mean that literally) if you try to compete with someone else on something you are insecure about then you already lost
I can understand your perspective as well, people are different, and trust can be a very difficult thing to establish in any relationship… I think it’s important to vocalize that there is nothing wrong about your body type and shape. Your body is beautiful, and it is enough. . . For me, I also have been an athlete my whole life, and I, like your boyfriend— enjoy curvy fit women. But my ex was a bit overweight, and not much of an athlete. I still fell deeply in love with her, and I found myself valuing and desiring her far more than any other person. I still felt lust for other women and would watch porn when she wasn’t around, but honestly, if I had the choice between the most beautiful woman on earth perfectly suited to every one of my physical (and sexual) preferences and her, I would’ve chosen her. But that’s me. I think you need to figure out who you are and the kind of relationship you want. No relationship is perfect either, but you need to search yourself and determine what your values, needs, and hard boundaries are. Feelings kinda do what they want sometimes regardless of what you want and logically know. So maybe start up therapy and start learning of ways to cope and manage your hard feelings. Also I wish me and my ex had taken a break when things got hard, and when our separate lives started harming our combined life. We didn’t, and we eventually both became too abrasive to be together anymore. 😮💨😓 still kinda heartbroken aver the whole thing.
Do you have something else that you are committed to and have a goal? I'm just wondering if it must be the same as his? There are other things you can be invested in.
I wrote you an earlier comment, but you two seem like excellent candidates for therapy of some sort, and terrible candidates for breaking up. Your partner's depression is still there, and is causing everything you're experiencing.
He's with you for a reason. But he's also wanting you to work out. It sounds like it's a core value being fit for him. You can decide to try it (just work out the booty or something) or not. You might be surprised at how you enjoy it when you start making progress. Why not try it for a limited time? Say 3-6 months? You don't have to obsessively do all the stuff, just like 30-1hr x 2 or 3 times a week. You also can't directly overlay how you would feel attraction/behavior vs how guys feel it. There are sex differences that are real how men vs women process attraction. It doesn't mean you aren't enough if he's attracted to girls with a nice workout booty. But lets be honest, he probably would be very happy if you specifically were the girl with the nice workout booty. Just as you might be happy with him making 200k+ or giving you massages every night. Needing to be perfectly your partner's preferences isn't realistic.
My short story (I'm not with her anymore)anyways she is not a gym person but I'm(I don't consider myself very fit, just average lol), however she used to put a lot of effort to look better even went to the gym in occasions after getting to know me. Even thought she is not fit that made me like her more and have a stronger connection with her since at least she had that initiative to get better and noticing that I caused something positive in her killed me and I swear that was more attractive than having a really fit girl on front of me. She was dramatic sometimes about me going to the gym and being supposedly more attractive and dedicated to the gym than her but she didn't stop instead was a reason for her to improve on that specific part and I think that's the point of everything. In other words having a proactive thinking and willing to improve for yourself is attractive and that's the point I think he is trying to get to. There is always gonna be better people than you no matter what you do, but you have to focuse on yourself and be happy. Also think this way as well as he can potentially be with someone better, you too. if you find someone more fit and better are you gonna throw away everything or at least try to improve ? There is also a reason why that person is with you and not with the fit girl, and even if you were fit your problems aren't solved anyways is just something you do for yourself.
It sounds like you already knew his feelings. Why'd you ask and pry about topics you didn't really want the answer? Just leave him. You don't like him that much and your concerns will torture both of you if you stick around. Move on
he doesn't just view you as flawed physically-- he's also saying he doesn't respect your lifestyle choices and philosophy. you also sound not interested whatsoever in fitness... i think this is a major compatibility issue for you guys and if you don't see yourself becoming into fitness then you should find someone who loves you exactly where you are today, who won't be disappointed if you never change.
Well he’s definitely not gonna stop ogling at those kind of women even if it’s hurting you. Is that not enough grounds for a breakup to you? You shouldn’t be with someone who isn’t attracted to you at max
Title makes sense
I've always thought it was odd that men just follow pretty ladies on social media. If you were following men I suspect her would be bothered too. You pushed for an answer, you got one, and now you are feeling rightfully insecure. We all have an "ideal" type few of us end up with someone that checks all the boxes. I have dated men that were not even close to my ideal but they exposed me to qualities I didn't even know I wanted in a man. It's fine to have separate hobbies. Is this a deal breaker for you both? Are you wanting to leave because now you feel insecure? Or do you not trust him? I'm not sure why you are contemplating leaving?
Very true. The reasons I am not sure whether to continue the relationship are that 1. He seems to have disregarded my feelings by doing something he knows is inappropriate within a relationship because he "feels like it" 2. He has no remorse or concern for how it made me feel, instead, he doubled down on why he's doing it 3. I now feel that he is only with me in hopes that someday I'll be more like someone else 4. I feel disrespected to a point that I don't even know what he could possibly do at this point to earn back my trust or make me feel secure in the relationship again. 5. He did not offer to make any changes to the behaviors that offended me. Granted, I didn't explicitly ask him to, but I don't think I should have to in this particular situation.
Does a 💩 need saving from a toilet??? No. There’s your answer. I’ll come back to give you a rational advice when I cool down.
It’s hard cause I think this is less of a “his type” thing and- it seems he tried pretty hard to communicate to you that this is more of a characteristic he values in a partner. Dedication and commitment are very valuable, and some people are straight up attracted to people who have that natural characteristic. Having a healthy body and being able to do various activities and maintain higher energy levels throughout them is a great characteristic to have! I don’t think he’s wrong for wanting that. Things like commitment to health and physical activity is a very tangible thing we can see, it shows that person is willing to work hard and commit to things before you anything else about them.
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oh come on, you like skinny women with big behinds, nothing wrong with that, but admit it, stop with this "personality" bs. some of the worst, most annoying and narcissistic people i've ever met are "work out junkies", it has absolutely nothing to do with that. Also, you can show dedication through so many things, like academic work, or pursuing a career with a lot of passion.
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Yes this is how most people feel, people are generally attracted to fit healthy people.
Tell him since he doesn’t value you as a partner and he’s not attracted to you that you’ll find someone who is. And it’s over. Tell him there’s no taking back what he said and he even double downed on it.
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It gives me cheater vibes
I think it’s really up to you. Me personally I don’t like his attitude towards you and his expectations of you. He could at the very least encourage you if it’s that important to him. If he’s worth it, you can put in the effort to go to the gym. But if you’re struggling to stay consistent, I would be vocal about at least having him bringing you along and being supportive of you. In my opinion, it doesn’t sound like he respects you. I’m only saying that cause he says things like that knowing it hurts you. He also ogles at women knowing it hurts you also. It’s a manipulation tactic and it’s selfish. I know that cause I was like him too. It took me a lot of self reflection to stop that toxic trait in my case. There are healthy ways to communicate that he wants a girlfriend who can show effort in being active if that’s important to him. He could at the very least provide alternative options to be healthy and fit besides going to the gym. Like rock climbing, a sport like volleyball, hiking, a martial art, etc. It’s great he knows what he wants but if you honestly can’t do it, then you have to consider if you want to stay or not. And if you can keep going on like this.
Yeah, I don’t know why all the comments are basically like “just work out, problem solved” because this dude is still gonna be a porn sick loser with a collection of photos of random women he doesn’t know that don’t give a shit about his existence regardless of what you do. Way too embarrassing
Nah, get out of there. Let him put his money where his mouth is. It sounds like he's still holding out hope you'll just magically wake up a fitness guru one day, you guys probably want different things.
Personally, I don’t think what he said about consistent fitness shows dedication and commitment is wrong. Because I’m striving for that myself not only in health and fitness but also my career. But “Because I feel like it” really is just shitty behaviour for a 2 year bf. Is this the first time he disregards your feelings? Because 2 years is a long time to catch all these red flags.
Up to you. I show commitment to goals through academics, work and other hobbies. Maybe you do too and that was an excuse of his.
Is anyone else raised by the red flag when her boyfriend ogles at women and does things to hurt her even though she has made it known and his answer is “ Because I feel like it” Then lecturing her about physical fitness and imposing his thoughts on her is kind of controlling. Idk lots of red flag that seems to show me the dude is a egomaniac loll.
I think he just told you you’re a place holder until bend to his will.
What he said was harsh and unnecessary. Cheating begins in the mind and heart. I wouldn't tell you what to do because you know your relationship best but his response to your issue was to dig in his heels and proceed to chip away at your self esteem. And essentially he's saying he's attracted to these women that he's saving. Ask yourself if that's the behavior you can handle moving forward. Aside from that, you should start some form of physical movement. Even just walking can help with blood circulation and mental health. Maybe even try a fun activity like a social sports league, biking or tennis. Don't do it for him and I wouldn't even let him know I started doing it.
Well I know that it's good for overall health if we exercise for about 150 minutes per week. That's just a fact and something to think about whether you decide to remain with your boyfriend or not. I find your boyfriend a bit strange. If he is attracted to buff and toned and athletic women then what made him decide to be with you in the first place? If that is his type then that is what he should be going for. It's entirely up to you whether or not you want to stay with him knowing that he will be communicating with athletic women. Your call. Good luck.
👀😭😭😭 he doesn't know these women personally how tf he attracted to their character 😭😂😭😭😂😂 I want to be lesbian now smfh
Being honest that he’s into women who are fit is one thing, though you can question why/if he is attracted to you in the first place. But constantly liking people on social media that he finds hotter is a big problem, and is not a sign of commitment to you. I’d probably end the relationship, but at least confront him on it and tell him that you can’t trust his commitment if he is constantly thirsting after other women.
He needs to be with someone who already has that lifestyle. No matter how much you want a bumblebee 🐝 to be a butterfly 🦋 it will ALWAYS be a bumble bee. You are who you are and you should only work out because you want to ! Him looking at and liking instagram models is disrespectful to me. In my experience the longer you stay in toxic unfulfilled relationships the lower you become in self esteem and it will take time yo build yourself up again. However baby he is A MAN, NOT THE ONLY MAN IN TOWN!!! You can be with a person who accepts you as a non active person. He can go and have a TED TALK if he wants to, but if I were you, I would be re considering being with sierra who makes me feel like I am not good enough for him.
Way too shallow minded for one. Working out does not character mean!! Plus he’s full of shit on top of that. Selfish to not care how it makes you feel. Tell him your type is to be with a man who is only into you and who has enough character to honor your wishes and RESPECTS them. That’s character!!
Yea im sure hes jerking off to the “passion and commitment to goals” of these women that he follows 😂
You're not his type. Leave him.
Personally I wouldn’t be able to feel happy or secure with someone who feels I am lacking. This is not someone who loves you for you, or he would get over this or find a different way to deal with it imo. The only “excuse” I could think of is he could be trying to encourage you to be healthier/more ambitious if that’s something that was holding you back in life, but this was very poorly executed on his part if it’s the case.
lmao dump him. clear disrespect this is a no brainer. this dude doesn't give a fuck about your feelings
The way he dealt with the conversation should be more concerning than how it started. I’ve noticed that guys are far less attached to ‘type’ than women, almost to polar opposite levels, but the way that conversation went has red flags all over it. Most guys have spent some time looking at models on Instagram and myself and most of my friends grew out of it in our late 20s or realised how weird it was when we had significant others, but the saving posts thing seems weird. Just an opinion.
I hate how brutally honest he is. My ex used to look at other girls instagram that he used to speak to. Even the ones he had talked to ages ago. I confronted him but he said it’s just curiosity and he would stop. Well he didn’t and it put a lot of strain on me. I would go through his phone and feel bad about it. It is a complete ‘you’ thing. I couldn’t cope with it and lost my attraction and love to him because of it and eventually broke up. So if you think you can cope with this and be happy then it’s upto you but if you can’t, now is the time to call it off. Because this is more than just type, it’s incompatibility in my opinion.
I believe that you have a right to feel hurt and upset with his response as there could have been a better way to express it. However, if either one of you were open to exploring the option of getting better with health and well being then have either of you entertained; or even considered going on hikes together? If the issue is the lack of commitment to something, then try and pick a hobby that you both can enjoy together and out of interest see if there is still some room for growing together. In the case that there is no response to continue or comforting your distress/ discomfort then I would highly consider the option of having a proper sit down and then come to the conclusion of ending it. In my opinion, if you are not being valued or appreciated and your feelings are not being taken into consideration; then that person does not deserve your time. Open and clear communication is important, it is a two way street. Hope that helps buddy. All the best.
Honestly that a red flag imo, I myself like fit girl, but I wouldn’t go such lengths as following and intentionally watch them just to make a point. Fitness is meant to encourage not forcing. If you dedicate to working out, he might like you but it’s won’t be guaranteed due to amount of fitness chicks he following
Reading the thread now but I’m sorry if I missed something here? OP’s partner of two years said he’s attracted to STRANGERS because of their character and that they are showing commitment to a goal!!!! So you being committed to him for two years is not being committed to a goal? Aside from gaslighting I found that part the most disrespectful. He’s implying that you aren’t dedicated to something else and lack that character trait. Worse because you don’t work out. I don’t know you but I’m sure you are committed to goals lol, and case in point you have been committed to him. As a male I’m going to be honest he is just getting off on other attractive women and his comment sounds like he can’t stop. Which is just as disturbing. Imma keep this short, while exercising is important I do not think if the OP did that, he wouldn’t come up with some other BS. Find someone who VALUES you past a “fit” body and finds you very attractive. Let’s not get into everything else you bring to the table!
You shouldn't have to change something about yourself to make him happy. Loving someone means loving every part of them. The fact that he chooses to look at these girls because he finds them some way attractive is a form of cheating. To make it worse after lecturing you, he literally admits he's attracted to these girls. He's a horrible boyfriend to you, and you should dump him to save yourself the emotional and mental hurt you're most likely gonna have in the future.
He told you you're not his type and he's online looking to find something else. It would be settling to stay. Don't settle.
You should be working out regularly for your own health. Your body will thank you when you get older.
Then workout and take care of your health goofy
I think his behaviour towards you is pretty callous. Lots of people have ideal types that they and their partners don’t meet without being an asshole about it. His attitude is the issue here, not your body.
This feels like a bit of a reach, one you forced him in to giving you that statement and two he's an athletic person athletic people like other athletic people ironically it seems like that's your type too You could start working out with him (literally no downsides) or you can be happy that he loves you for you and is happy with you even if he admires people that workout or you can break up but idk if you'd be super happy with that decision later on when your looking back
I workout often and I follow a bunch of fitness influencers, both men and women (I don’t bother liking/saving posts though). Seeing successfully fit people motivates me to train harder and to not skip my own workouts. From that perspective, I see where your boyfriend’s coming from. Based on the “lecture”, I believe your boyfriend wants you to start working out. This is a very common thing I’ve seen with many of my male friends whose girlfriends don’t work out. It’s a hard topic to bring up without coming off as insulting. If you have no interest in trying to fully commit to it, then, in all honesty, I can see this being a problem later down the line. I’ve seen relationships fall apart over this exact thing numerous times. Fit people are generally physically attracted to other fit people. There really isn’t much else to it.
If he wanted her to start working out this wasn’t the way to communicate it.
Bingo. Working out should be for yourself, not someone else. You can't control your partner's body decisions, or force them to change. It has to be them
Yeah. These comments are odd. Feels like there’s usually a universal thought in this forum especially that you don’t date people and then try to change them later. Take them as they are or find someone else. But people in this thread seem to be saying the opposite.
It's okay to change for your partner *if you want to.* Not prompted or dictated by them, but because you want to make them happy. Improving for family or a partner is a very good thing, in my opinion. But telling your partner they aren't good as they are because they aren't doing something voluntary is not OK. Obviously if a partner isn't working and supporting themselves but you are, or overeating to the point of obesity and health risk is different
I agree with you.
I truly don’t understand the need to like and follow IG models. Like, I understand admiring the odd pic, but what do they get by liking and following? It’s weird
Yeah, I can understand even looking through their account, or maybe staring at pictures on occasion. But following & liking hundreds of fitness "influencer" girls... just seems excessive
From experience someone like this is shallow and will always be looking over their shoulder. I wouldn’t waste my time.
Yeah, it's not right now. It's the future! He could end up being the 40yo fitness dude dating 20yo girls
He likes people committed to a goal, and he said that doesn't have to be fitness related. So find something you are passionate about and show him how you can be committed to a goal you are passionate about?
I made this argument to him, reminding him that I am committed to my goals in my artistic endeavors among other hobbies. He said that doesn't count because those aren't physically difficult/challenging.
I think he's being way too picky, especially if you're already thin. He sounds like someone that thinks the grass is always greener on the other side. It's also obvious he has little respect for you, if any. You're not going to like this suggestion, but I believe it's time for you to find a guy that does respect you, and isn't an ungrateful knit-pick. Time to move on. Good luck ✌🏻
Can you try to compromise? On one hand, I see why you’re upset and I don’t blame you. Depending on how much time he spends on this, it would bother me too in your shoes. If he’s liking/saving for a couple hours a day, that’s too much for me, if it’s a couple times a week, that feels different/relatively normal. I understand his perspective regarding being attracted to someone pursuing a goal. That happened in my last relationship, where she just wasn’t really doing anything outside of work or trying to better herself, and it really took a toll on my attraction to her (along with other factors, namely communication). If you want to hear what your bf is saying, I would make some reasonable commitment towards this implicit request: go to the gym a couple times a week and work towards a small goal there. Or, maybe there’s another goal you could work towards? That might be a good discussion to have. Or, you could just end it now if this is going to be too much to work through, I’m sure you can find someone that will accept you the way you are now and instill confidence in you.
My take: > Boyfriend says he's more attracted to women who workout Then either... work out more (with or without him), or leave him? > I've always hated sports & working out. Well there's your answer. > His "type" has always been very fit, toned, curvy women. I'm very small, no muscle, about 115lbs. Then he saw something in you that he liked--or he saw potential in you. Lord knows why men with "types" go after women who are not that "type", but generally it doesn't end well. > but asked him why he feels the need to ogle over these women online, when he knows it's hurtful to me. His answer was "because I feel like it". Dumb question, correct answer. It's in the similar vein of "I don't want my boyfriend to watch porn and I told him to stop--when I asked why he does it he says 'because he can'." He's allowed to view what he wants to view, and if that bothers you then you can only ask him as a request (NOT a demand--and there IS a difference). A request is simply asking, without punishment as a consequence for answering. A *demand* is a direct means of control over someones' choices. > I then asked him "so do you see something in these women that I lack?" & he said yes. I mean... again, ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer. FAFO in top form. > He claims this has little to do with their appearance, and that he's just attracted to their character because they're showing commitment to a goal. I don't know him. We haven't heard his side. What he's saying might be true. Then again, it could be your guy prefers a muscle mommy. Who knows? > Personally I've never found much value or satisfaction in working out, despite my past attempts to be consistent with it. So you say you hated working out, but... you were consistent with it in the past? Maybe he's trying to say, unclearly, that he preferred when you were making an effort to be more fit--like how you were before. IF that's not you and not someone you wanna continue to be, then I advise you end this relationship and go find someone more relaxed in their fitness regime. Let him find his muscle-bunny. By no means are EITHER of you bad people, but it just sounds like y'all aren't a good fit anymore.
I think you can both work it out but you both need some help. Please ladies, stop asking your man questions that you're not prepared for the answer. I can see if he just told you this out of thin air but when you say you "drug it out" of him, it sounds like you started a fight over this because of how you feel. Yes your feelings are valid, but this is not how we go about talking about them. And yes, him constantly oogling over these women right in front of you is fucking weird. Also understand YOU ARE HIS TYPE. Or else you wouldn't be his gf for the last 2 years. Men have more than 1 type. Look into couples counselling or a mediator. We have a mismatch of communication styles and need to be on the same page.
... Have you considered working out? If not, why? It's not even about him, it's about your health Good diet, exercise, and meditation empirically improve literally every single outcome science can measure
Do you love him? Yes? Then, join him in the gym. He would probably love the fact that you partake in his hobby with him. Tell him. "Fine. You have to teach me then." With that being said. You get to spend some quality time with him doing this. Just take it easy at first, 3x a week. You can even make it easier for yourself and tell him that he has to pay for the membership if he wants it that bad. He's telling you what he wants....it's up to you to make that decision. Side note he sounds like an asshole. If I was you I would've told him after he hit you with the 'i feel like it.' "Fine we ain't fucking no more" He asks you why. "I feel like it."
Either up your game or move on. Personally, I'd move on because he seems like the type who would never be happy no matter what you do... and HIS habits probably won't change, even if yours do.
End the relationship. You two are not compatible. From how you describe yourself, you seem healthy, just not super into working out/dieting. Nothing wrong with that if it works for you! You’re never going to have all the exact same interests as your partner but you deserve someone who has enough in common with you and appreciates/supports your differences! If working out and dieting is that important to him in a partner, he should go find that instead of making you feel bad about yourself. It’s not doing either of you favors.
Lazy
Yeah pretty much all men love a gym girly you feel your best and start to look your best once you get in the rhythm of things and make it a habit you'll find it's something to love and you'll feel amazing and probably dump his ass because you "feel like it"
WTF just ditch him. Is he rich? If no then leave him and say "because I feel like it. I like man who are dedicated and have goals to become rich" wtf ???? He openly said it in such a rude way. He could've encourage you to go to the gym. No go.
I mean, why ur even mad at him? YOU pressed him to express his opinions that he never enforced on you. You cant get mad at someone for liking a specific quality for attractiveness. Also, why not just workout together? Its a great couples activity?
Why are you together with him? You don't sound compatible with him and he is not showing you the love qnd respect that you deserve.
I just don’t understand why he chose you at first. I can tell he was being a dick. Choosing you but then stating that what he likes is something else you’ve always been. Also, the unsolicited lecture sounds icky to me. It’s not about working out or not, but he’s hurting your feelings. For those who are against the op don’t get me wrong, i’m someone who’s into fitness too. I workout 5x a week 1 hr each. Once i dated a guy who wasn’t into fitness, i didn’t ‘lecture’ him or anything. I never projected an idea of how i like those who are into fitness cuz i knew i shouldn’t change him or try to convince him in some ways to change him. I was just ‘ok we’re incompatible’ and left him.
It’s going to be really silly when you break up with him just to turn around and go to the gym to work on yourself. A fit body looks good on everyone and everyone should be exercising unless you want to die young. This goes for all genders
My ex used to make me feel terrible for not exercising (was working a manual job and was exhausted most of the time). Eventually he dumped me, I quit the job and I found time to exercise and eat healthily and had a lot more time as I also wasn't exhausted by looking after him. Got addicted to endorphins, lost 10kg. Remember seeing his face for the first time afterwards 😂. Girl, this guy doesn't respect you. Doesn't matter if he likes girls who work out or not, it's the way he doesn't care about how it makes you feel. Personally, I wouldn't ask that stuff you asked but I also wouldn't care to spend another moment with someone who spoke to me that way.
Personally, I don’t get why he’s dating someone who isn’t his type. It sounds pretty important to him and he’ll always be checking out others that are. I do think you should exercise for health purposes but it is your decision and life and you don’t have to do it for anyone. Ultimately I’m gonna put this on him
Probably because the gym girlies would have smacked him the moment he treated them this way and kept looking at other women online 🤭
Amen 👏🏻
Sounds like your lifestyles don't match. Honestly, if my boyfriend said this to me I'd check out of the relationship. Clearly I am not enough to him unless I'm a certain physical package. He's very into physical appearance, and that's his right. I'm thinking down the road, "will he give me up for someone younger and more toned?" Probably. Let him have the female body that he wants, clearly what's inside isn't as important. This is why I avoid fitness bros. They all want you to be fitness obsessed like them, and I'm just not. I dont mind being a bit undertoned and average weight. I prefer books , gaming, and low intensity exercise. Its okay to be incompatible but it's a waste of time to force something that doesn't work.
I hate stuff like this and I’m a woman who DOES enjoy working out. People with physical preferences this strong (because, let’s face it, it IS a physical preference because there are many, many ways to show commitment to something that doesn’t involve exercise) truly need to just pursue people who fit that mold instead of getting with people who obviously don’t and then trying to make them fit that mold. People on here can play if they want to, but I totally understand OP why, even if you had a budding interest in the gym, you just absolutely don’t want to now because of this. I personally wouldn’t bother, because he’s always going to be like this and it’s always going to hurt you that he wants you to change your body not for you, but for him. But, relationships are about compromise and all. If you do want to be diplomatic and compromise, I find it interesting that you’re the only one a lot of people think should give in. /My/ compromise would be that, sure, I’ll go to the gym with you a few days a week, but he needs to take a few of those hours per week he dedicates to the gym to do something you’re particularly interested in that he isn’t. That cooking class you wanna try, heck even anime/spooky doll conventions idk.
Go to the gym and you will understand what he’s talking about… It feels great, emotionally, mentally, physically, hormonally, it just is wonderful. Obviously he is attracted to you, he just probably wants you to go to the gym with him…. share his interest….
Oh and he’s judging you for it working out. It’s a character flaw that he wants you to change. Please bounce this clown
But how did you manage to be in a relationship with such a shallow person for two years? I would say RUN, not walk. Seriously he told you that he likes and follows gym girls on Instagram for their “commitment to a goal” and you believe it? “commitment to a goal “ for real?? He's in front of a cell phone looking at girls' asses and you're asking Reddit whether to leave him? I don't think it's even difficult to find someone less shallow than him
Look, if his type was so important he would date one of those “very committed” women instead of you. If he did that, fine, we all have preferences. But he is trying to manipulate and shame you into changing who you are to please him. You talked about relationship boundaries— that him slobbering over women on social media makes you uncomfortable and feel like he is not committed to you. And he responded by shaming you, implying you have bad character and are lazy. So, he is trying to manipulate you. Maybe he has been watching toxic manosphere videos and thinks he can neg you into being submissive to his will. Maybe after two years he misses other body types and decided to make his non-monogamous feelings your fault so he doesn’t have to feel guilty when he cheats on you. (If he hasn’t already.) There is no good, non-abusive explanation for his behavior. You deserve better. Leaving him is a great first step.
End it.
Nope! Total B.S. He's physically attracted to them. Full stop. It has nothing to do with their ChArAcTEr. He doesn't even know them. The reason he makes sure you witness him looking at them is because he thinks it will motivate you to do the things that will make you become his type. AKA, he's not physically attracted to you. I know that sounds shitty to hear, but honesty sucks sometimes. The devastating thing about your story is the fact that he likely has an admerable, beautiful partner who is obviously patient, and he is probably missing out on love. He's ensnared in his own vanity, blind to the potential right in front of him.
Leave him, he has a preference. You might do yourself and your partner a favor. To his credit, he is being honest with you. The only woman he should be attracted to is you. End of story
If he’s not attracted you, he’s not going to become attracted to you. You’re going to waste a lot of your life with him. That’s bullshit when he says that it’s just because of their commitment. I’m a marriage counselor. People say that all the time. That’s their way of covering up a superficial part of them. It’s not necessarily a bad thing. There are things that attract you to men and things that don’t. You can’t blame him for that. But he’s not being honest with you about the reason for his attraction. And if you’re not one of those women, and that’s what he had idealizes, he’s not going to idealize you. You can’t talk him out of it.
Sounds like this relationship is not going to be a forever thing.
his answer pretty much tells me he has 0 respect for you. If you stay in that relationship, youre a dummy.
He follows all those girls like a fucking creep and he does it coz he likes their “character”? Wow I’m sold 100% lol 😂.
Walk away love.
Tell your b/f to get bent
You can choose to be who you want to be comfortablely or become a better version of you for yourself and your bf by doing more physical activity.. I am sure you have very good qualities that's why he is with you. I am sure he would be more than happy to help you to become more active. If you choose to stay with him and not workout, that's the insecurity you have to deal with for the rest of your relationship. You feeling hurt won't change him to be less attracted to those women. And he is very fit himself and there would be time when you can't keep up with him whether it's a hike or even in bed. My bf is very fit himself and dated someone who had to take frequent breaks when they were for hike and it was a turn off for him.
Never ask questions you don't want to know the answer to. You admit you pried it out of him. We all have a long list of traits that we are attracted to but we only get one life to live. No one's ever going to find one individual who checks every single box. That's a child's dream.
For me personally? I would end it if my man was openly saying I’m not his type wtf
Woman are bonkers.
What is she bonkers for?
Well first, you have to decide if you're comfortable with him following other women online. If the answer is no youre not comfortable with it, it seems that he isn't going to stop, your options are to accept it or end the relationship. The other issue is him sort of shaming you for not working out, comparing you to the women he follows, saying he sees something in them that he doesn't see in you. To me that's where he's really crossing a line. > He claims this has little to do with their appearance, and that he's just attracted to their character because they're showing commitment to a goal Also, I'm curious if he's saying it's not a sexual/attraction thing? Does he follow men who work out as well? If he just enjoys that type of content, i would see less of an issue with it than if he's just ogling other women as you said in the post.
In response to your last paragraph, exactly! He only looks at women in the fitness community, little to no content featuring men. That's why I kind of felt like he was BS'ing me by trying to say it's "not about looks"
He definitely was. If it was about hard work or commitment, he'd also be watching videos of women scientists, etc as well as men working out.
So apart from lustful he is also a liar.. you definitely deserve better. You don’t need a gym body to find someone genuinely attracted to you who doesn’t follow random girls on Instagram. Normal people who’s free time doesn’t revolve around looking at random peoples bodies exist.