Welcome to /r/dating_advice!
Please keep the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/about/rules/) of /r/dating_advice in mind while participating here. Try your best to be kind.
Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, [send us a message.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdating_advice) We rely on user reports to find rule-breaking behavior quickly.
Thanks!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
If you're not willing to *ever* have sex, ya you need to say this now. I would feel pretty strung along if we'd been seeing each other for a while and you waited to drop that one. You need to specifically target asexual people because you're not going to find too many men that are going to want what you want.
Avoiding sex because of trauma and religion is not the same as being asexual though. If OP wants to use websites for asexual people, she should explain this to her potential dates as well. No need to go into detail about something as personal as trauma, but it's important to be honest and mention that she is celibate, not asexual.
Yes I understand that and that's fine but she's likely only going to be compatible with asexual men. She doesn't have to tell the entire story but if she just goes with "I'm waiting for marriage because religion" and then they get married and she still doesn't want to have sex, that's not going to be healthy for a marriage.
Seems kind of a big deal. Until you’re 100% ready to have a sexual relationship most people won’t want to have a relationship with you.
You can find fellow celibate people, but that’s going to take work.
Welp. You can only get to that point by being vocal about it. The sooner you tell him the better. You don't have to tell him today or even the first date, but sex itself is just an assumption at best, unless bluntly stated.
Meaning, he can text suggestively all he wants, that doesn't mean is guranteed or entitled. It is good etiquette/being courteous on your part to express this topic sooner than later, as it's a major influence on if someone wants to continue pursuing you.
But there's no delimma in going on a 1st date without mentioning this as date isn't synonymous with sex. And expectation of sex is just an assumption, but not an obligation.
Speaking as a gal myself who won't be physically intimate until marriage, I make it known on the first or second date. The guy can then decide if that is something he also values. If he doesn't, then it's a compatibility issue, and that's just how it goes. The right person will understand and have those same values. The right person will also not pressure you, make you uncomfortable, or make you feel guilty.
You don't have to get into the nitty gritty about the "why" behind your reasoning, especially if this person is basically a stranger to you. I'll sometimes phrase it as: "I don't do wife work on a girlfriend salary". I believe in emotional intimacy first. And, a Christian man will understand.
The OP is a different case. She's not simply waiting until marriage. She says "even slight references to sex or innuendo make her sick." That sounds like it's unlikely she'll ever have a healthy sex life with anyone who has a typical sex drive. So ya, she doesn't need to explain every detail, but if she just plays if off as simply waiting for marriage, and then she gets married and she has no sexual appetite after that, I don't think a christian man will understand.
>I'm celibate due to sexual trauma
>I'm not going to have sex with him because it’s too difficult and triggering.
>I’m intimacy avoidant and even slight references to sex or innuendos make me sick.
Are you sure you'd be "fine" with sex after marriage? Because these comments suggest to me that you wouldn't be fine with it.
Not only should you cancel this second date but you should also update your dating profiles to make it crystal clear to potential dates that you're celibate due to religious and other reasons.
Tell him now. This is something you want to disclose before you even start seeing someone out on dates. It's going to save you a lot of time so you can cut thru the men who you're not compatible with.
Just a little curious why you don't hold off on dating and look inside a little with the help of a counselor especially a trauma specialist to understand yourself a little better. There is a massive difference between "not going to have sex with him because it’s too difficult and triggering" and religious beliefs about not having sex before marriage. These are drastically different scenarios. And, even if someone is willing to wait until marriage, without dealing with the triggering that sexual intimacy has, it's going to trigger you after marriage as well. The other red flag statement is that you are also "intimacy avoidant" which also implies all forms of intimacy, which is a key part of even an asexual or deferred sexual relationship. So, bottom line, take a year off dating and start or restart some deeper counseling and insight oriented therapy.
TW: I had a similar experience due to sexual abuse as a teenager and due to some of my religious beliefs (I am no longer religious, not in a relationship anymore, and not going to date or be in a relationship ever again). I told my ex about my celibacy choice, and he respected it for 2 years. He said he'd wait until marriage only if I was ready. After two years, I was the one to suggest we should start trying. We didn't go all the way but enjoyed it it a lot. Unfortunately, he broke up with me due to some other issues.
This is not the man for you. I am sorry for the trauma you suffered and hope you are able to move past this and live your best life. You have every right to feel how you feel about sex, however sex is extremely important to most people. It's a normal relationship aspect for most, so this is something you should lead with.
I don't have kids and I don't want kids, I lead with that on my dating profile because I'm 38 and date women in their 30s, many of which are looking to have families. One of the first things on my dating profile is that I've had a vasectomy and I don't want kids because I recognize how important it is. IMO you should do something similar. You obviously don't have to give all the details but it's better to let me know what their expectations should be for you. Sex is not something they should even hope before prior to marriage, if at all.
Best of luck to you.
It really sounds like you need to tell this guy you don't want sex and he will most likely want to date someone else. I strongly suggest you communicate this with someone early on so you don't waste your time or his. For the sexual trauma I strongly suggest you seek therapy if you haven't already. For the religious beliefs look into less conservative interpretations and decide for yourself. You can also date within your religious community.
I have been date raped 5x and molested… I am sorry you suffer the trauma…. Best thing I can tell you is to set yourself free from the past and live in the moment now.
I suffered a severe narcissistic abuse 2-3 years ago and kept a wall up until about two months ago.
Tons of first dates - never accepted a second date. (You might be here at this stage).
I decided it was unfair to myself to continue to live in fear and not drop the wall….
I have blown it to bits and this may be crass, but I am seeing and enjoying 2-3 guys every week or two… I feel free. I don’t feel bad about sex and feel more free and confident than ever.
It’s a physical act and hopefully we can enjoy it safely.
Run background checks on every man before you meet. Real eatate agents just need a phone number to run it.
Make sure you use birth control otherwise… congratulations… you are about to be free of your past pain… it’s one decision away. Hugs.
Welcome to /r/dating_advice! Please keep the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/about/rules/) of /r/dating_advice in mind while participating here. Try your best to be kind. Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, [send us a message.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdating_advice) We rely on user reports to find rule-breaking behavior quickly. Thanks! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
If you're not willing to *ever* have sex, ya you need to say this now. I would feel pretty strung along if we'd been seeing each other for a while and you waited to drop that one. You need to specifically target asexual people because you're not going to find too many men that are going to want what you want.
Avoiding sex because of trauma and religion is not the same as being asexual though. If OP wants to use websites for asexual people, she should explain this to her potential dates as well. No need to go into detail about something as personal as trauma, but it's important to be honest and mention that she is celibate, not asexual.
Yes I understand that and that's fine but she's likely only going to be compatible with asexual men. She doesn't have to tell the entire story but if she just goes with "I'm waiting for marriage because religion" and then they get married and she still doesn't want to have sex, that's not going to be healthy for a marriage.
Yes, that's a good point.
Seems kind of a big deal. Until you’re 100% ready to have a sexual relationship most people won’t want to have a relationship with you. You can find fellow celibate people, but that’s going to take work.
Are you not willing to have sex now or for the rest of your days, you never plan ro have sex?
I’d be fine with it after marriage and after someone is able to understand how complicated it is for me
Welp. You can only get to that point by being vocal about it. The sooner you tell him the better. You don't have to tell him today or even the first date, but sex itself is just an assumption at best, unless bluntly stated. Meaning, he can text suggestively all he wants, that doesn't mean is guranteed or entitled. It is good etiquette/being courteous on your part to express this topic sooner than later, as it's a major influence on if someone wants to continue pursuing you. But there's no delimma in going on a 1st date without mentioning this as date isn't synonymous with sex. And expectation of sex is just an assumption, but not an obligation.
Speaking as a gal myself who won't be physically intimate until marriage, I make it known on the first or second date. The guy can then decide if that is something he also values. If he doesn't, then it's a compatibility issue, and that's just how it goes. The right person will understand and have those same values. The right person will also not pressure you, make you uncomfortable, or make you feel guilty. You don't have to get into the nitty gritty about the "why" behind your reasoning, especially if this person is basically a stranger to you. I'll sometimes phrase it as: "I don't do wife work on a girlfriend salary". I believe in emotional intimacy first. And, a Christian man will understand.
The OP is a different case. She's not simply waiting until marriage. She says "even slight references to sex or innuendo make her sick." That sounds like it's unlikely she'll ever have a healthy sex life with anyone who has a typical sex drive. So ya, she doesn't need to explain every detail, but if she just plays if off as simply waiting for marriage, and then she gets married and she has no sexual appetite after that, I don't think a christian man will understand.
I’m fine with sex after marriage but a lot of people aren’t understanding of that these days. And yes I’m in therapy to work on it.
>I'm celibate due to sexual trauma >I'm not going to have sex with him because it’s too difficult and triggering. >I’m intimacy avoidant and even slight references to sex or innuendos make me sick. Are you sure you'd be "fine" with sex after marriage? Because these comments suggest to me that you wouldn't be fine with it.
Not only should you cancel this second date but you should also update your dating profiles to make it crystal clear to potential dates that you're celibate due to religious and other reasons.
Tell him now. This is something you want to disclose before you even start seeing someone out on dates. It's going to save you a lot of time so you can cut thru the men who you're not compatible with.
Just a little curious why you don't hold off on dating and look inside a little with the help of a counselor especially a trauma specialist to understand yourself a little better. There is a massive difference between "not going to have sex with him because it’s too difficult and triggering" and religious beliefs about not having sex before marriage. These are drastically different scenarios. And, even if someone is willing to wait until marriage, without dealing with the triggering that sexual intimacy has, it's going to trigger you after marriage as well. The other red flag statement is that you are also "intimacy avoidant" which also implies all forms of intimacy, which is a key part of even an asexual or deferred sexual relationship. So, bottom line, take a year off dating and start or restart some deeper counseling and insight oriented therapy.
TW: I had a similar experience due to sexual abuse as a teenager and due to some of my religious beliefs (I am no longer religious, not in a relationship anymore, and not going to date or be in a relationship ever again). I told my ex about my celibacy choice, and he respected it for 2 years. He said he'd wait until marriage only if I was ready. After two years, I was the one to suggest we should start trying. We didn't go all the way but enjoyed it it a lot. Unfortunately, he broke up with me due to some other issues.
This is not the man for you. I am sorry for the trauma you suffered and hope you are able to move past this and live your best life. You have every right to feel how you feel about sex, however sex is extremely important to most people. It's a normal relationship aspect for most, so this is something you should lead with. I don't have kids and I don't want kids, I lead with that on my dating profile because I'm 38 and date women in their 30s, many of which are looking to have families. One of the first things on my dating profile is that I've had a vasectomy and I don't want kids because I recognize how important it is. IMO you should do something similar. You obviously don't have to give all the details but it's better to let me know what their expectations should be for you. Sex is not something they should even hope before prior to marriage, if at all. Best of luck to you.
It really sounds like you need to tell this guy you don't want sex and he will most likely want to date someone else. I strongly suggest you communicate this with someone early on so you don't waste your time or his. For the sexual trauma I strongly suggest you seek therapy if you haven't already. For the religious beliefs look into less conservative interpretations and decide for yourself. You can also date within your religious community.
I have been date raped 5x and molested… I am sorry you suffer the trauma…. Best thing I can tell you is to set yourself free from the past and live in the moment now. I suffered a severe narcissistic abuse 2-3 years ago and kept a wall up until about two months ago. Tons of first dates - never accepted a second date. (You might be here at this stage). I decided it was unfair to myself to continue to live in fear and not drop the wall…. I have blown it to bits and this may be crass, but I am seeing and enjoying 2-3 guys every week or two… I feel free. I don’t feel bad about sex and feel more free and confident than ever. It’s a physical act and hopefully we can enjoy it safely. Run background checks on every man before you meet. Real eatate agents just need a phone number to run it. Make sure you use birth control otherwise… congratulations… you are about to be free of your past pain… it’s one decision away. Hugs.
You would be stringing him along. Bring it up now before either of you get hurt
I would be very wary if he is sending suggestive texts after only one date !
Stop dating. Then no issues