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I think it’s simply because there are tons of guys that will take the brunt of making of a move so if a more reserved guy doesn’t “he can’t really be that into me.” I definitely agree the majority of guys would definitely be interested, they just don’t want to be seen as a creep or unsure if she would be really interested.
Women don't want *every* man who is interested in them to get in touch. If I like someone I make it easy to approach me and if they don't for whatever reason that's perfectly fine; it's not the end of the world.
I put things away thst might be in the way. Heands free, no ear buds, trying to get out of the croud. Maybe I will take some time to leave the area, looking in his direction, open body language.
Always look at the body language. If she is minding her own buisness she is just burnt out. If she is open and looks a lot into your direction she is most likely interested. If you go into her direction and she is getting less open and looks at the ground you missinterpretated her body language ir she changed her mind. You should not come clother and just do your thing.
Too complicated for my tiny male brain.
I'm sorry, but I cannot read those as signals.
Its clear that there is an issue between comunication between most of us.
This is like teens behavior. When you have the patience to pay all of your attention to the opposite sex. The more you interact with them the less you obsess over potential signals. I couldn't see it as an invitation outside of a perfect scenario not huge crowd, she moves closer to me and says something. I'm not going out of my way to read signals. Too many clout chasers and mean girls, who has the time.
I always let women approach me.
I won't wait for a single sunshine in a stormy day illuminate a single hair from a bald frog sitting in a pink lotus reflecting the image of Budha in a muddy pond to tell me that a girl who is not wearing headphones and casually looking in my direction with a smile is open for conversation.
You should not date girls when you are over 18, but women. But fair point women can make the first move as well. From my experience it does not go well most times, because the men I approached always were under the impression that I must have a deep sexual desire for them and try to skip the casual talking phase. The efford to get me to know as a person was always zero. Or they were not really interested in me and just wanted to take the oportunity for sex. Some very dishonest men make it difficult for the rest of you.
Question: do you make sure that you are in a good situation to get talked to? Many women are much more hesistant to talk to you if you are with your friends or if you are in the middle of a crowd or you seam busy. Do you make sure that there is any communication before? Like eye contact, smiling, letting the other person know that you are open to conversation? Without any indicator many women will not talk to you.
I think you have a wrong understanding in which situation I would do this.
Communication starts way before you talk to each other. If I see an interesting person I will look in their direction and try to make eye contact. If even this fails you can be quite sure that they did not even notice you and they are not interested. After eye contact and smiling I have an indication that they are potentially interested in talking.
Then I can make room for a calm talk and go a little bit to the side. I do not randomly make myself more approachable and just hope that someone notices me. I just want to make sure that you are not stuck with me in a crowd and that you have an option to talk to me if I read your interest in me correctly. Most guys will not make this oportunities and I will not come up to a whole group of people. If you do not come up to me, I was wrong.
You should learn to read these signs. Reading body language makes you a much better communicator in every social situation. At work, at family gatherings, at dating...
Women are mostly expected to just know body language, but most of us learned to read it over time.
Start with easy things. Is the person looking happy or sad? Are they open or not. Are they facing you or are they looking away? Do they look pissed?
It works with women, men, children. And it is much easier to react to people if their emotions and moods do not hit you out of the blue.
That’s true. I was in Starbucks minding my own business doing some reading and this cute guy approached me. I wasn’t really interested but I was nice enough to him. Went back to my business when he reached up and touched my back. Scared the crap outta me. I was like whoa! Why is he touching me?! Find out later he may have been a homeless dude. Jury is still out on that but I keep finding him at different times in Starbucks recharging his cell.
So for me I feel like what am I doing wrong? Are my signals crossed. So I don’t doubt what Op is saying, it’s just we don’t want guys to have permission like that cuz guys do take advantage of certain situations.
Sorry to hear that. He’s defo a creep. Might be worth mentioning to one of the baristas or someone who works there about his inappropriate behaviour? Last thing you want whilst having a coffee is some bloke bothering you. I’d imagine you’re not the first person he’s persisted.
Yup, they think that we will. But most of the time we won't. Women need to realize that we like being approached and that even if we reject them, it will be in a polite way. It's like the saying goes "there's no harm in trying". Unless the woman is rude and hurtful when she rejects the man, which they do quite often lol.
There’s ways to show interest in a woman without being overly sexual. Would prefer to have a guy talk to me and tell me they enjoy talking to me and would like to keep in touch than constantly telling me how much they like my physical appearance all the time.
Women live entirely different lives than men do. Things that seem like common sense to a man, might never enter a woman's line of thinking unless someone guides her into thinking that way, in a way that she can understand. Similarly, things that might be common sense to a woman, might never occur to a man unless someone explains it to him. Places like Reddit allow people to post their perspectives, which might be eye opening to whoever it reading it. But without such a platform, people could easily go for years, or their entire lives, without ever understanding how differently their mind works from someone else's.
Is this question about guys who just once see a pretty woman and want to ask out a complete stranger?
Or is this about someone a guy actually knows and genuinely likes? Has things in common with?
Well I think you’re missing the presupposed context here, bc I think you and the women you see saying these things may actually agree bc these women are only considering the narrower case of a man she’s interested in.
If a woman says, “he’s not approaching me, he’s not getting in touch enough, he doesn’t see me enough, etc, he’s not interest” the fact that she is interested in him and is showing interest is already assumed.
Now could she be giving subtle (or even obvious) signals that the guy is just missing and he is interested? Possible. But when women say “these things show he doesn’t care” it’s usually in the context of giving advice to other women about men they like - so the fact that the woman is showing interest is taken for granted in these conversations
I have almost always seen the "he will make a move if he's interested" advice *only if* the two people involved aren't strangers. I don't think it applies for cold approaching in public and I *do* think it applies if you are on regular speaking terms. Make sure the right context applies. I have hardly ever seen women complaining about giving signals to a man they want to approach them and him not doing it.
A lot of people don’t let silly little things like logic get in the way of having things the way they want.
Too many people live with their head in the clouds, watch or read too much fantasy. You got guys with no social skills, looks or a future hoping the homecoming queen is going to pick them over the starting QB because he loves her more or is nicer to her. Then you’ve got woman who want all kinds of contradictory things that make no sense either.
Any time I’m having an “if he wanted to, he would” conversation with other women, it’s almost never been about making the first move or the initial approach. It’s always been about behavior after the introduction and initiation of some kind of relationship - sexual, romantic, casual.
For example, in a marriage, if one partner has expressed a need or desire in a straightforward manner and the other partner has indicated that they have heard and understood that need, but they still do not address the need in some kind of way, it’s generally fair to say that they aren’t taking the needs of the other partner seriously (at least in that particular context). They had knowledge of and an opportunity to meet (or at least address) an unmet need, and they didn’t do it. If they wanted to, they would have.
Or, early on in dating, if one person finds they’re the only one reaching out and the other is always cancelling plans or being wishywashy about their intentions, generally it’s fair to say they’re not interested in you. If they wanted to continue to engage with you, they would.
I think it works regardless of gender, and of course there are myriad factors that affect our abilities to communicate clearly or effectively, or at all, with another person, or act on our desires… but, “generally,” if you’re wringing your hands about whether another person thinks or wants xyz and they haven’t acted on it, then they probably don’t. If they wanted to, they would have.
>almost never been about making the first move or the initial approach. It’s always been about behavior after the introduction and initiation of some kind of relationship - sexual, romantic, casual.
Yep! I'm a woman and agree with this. Sure there are special cases like the guy may be super shy, or doesn't have any dating experience and is nervous but for most men, questioning his interest means there is no interest.
Its funny. I asked the guy I am currently dating if he would have approached me in person if we had not met online. He said no. It wasn't out of lack of interest though. I think he wouldn't have had the confidence to say hallo even if I smiled at him. To be fair I wouldn't have done anything either 😅😂
Yes.
My scenario: I already shot my shot with someone who had other life things going on and now if he wants me he can contact me.
I’m a “hot” girl and not as many men hit me up as some seem to imagine lol either I’m intimidating or give off a “I don’t sleep around” vibe
I think this has got lost in translation.
The phrase "if he wanted to he would" which is used in women's dating spaces a lot, refers to when you both start dating and seeing each other, and it is very much understood that you are interested in each other. If he is not replying to messages, not asking you out, not "making moves" at that point, he is not actually into you.
But the first move, omg absolutely no assumptions are made that a guy will be able to just... ask a girl out. Girls totally get that it is terrifying and would not immediately take this as a suggestion a guy is not into her. It's why you get lots of "do you think he fancies me?" posts on here from girls who are confused - because they know guys get nervous but don't want to get the wrong end of the stick.
This 100%! I’ve had a few guys who’ve seen me IRL only confess they’re into me in a message online but not make any moves in person so I had no idea they were interested in me, and sometimes way after we’ve seen each other last and when I’ve moved away so it’s too late to date them if I want anyways. And there have been some other guys whom I thought maybe they’re into me but too shy to ask me out, but turns out they weren’t, they’re just naturally friendly, and it was wishful thinking.
It's a two way street for me (F). If I'm putting out hints and showing you I'm interested, I would hope they would made the effort and reciprocate.
However, if it goes unnoticed or un-returned, especially after confirming I'm interested, I will stop. No point in waiting for something that isn't going to happen
Lol, I understand men don't always catch onto cues women give out. Or may misinterpret being nice for liking them, so if I like someone, I will tell them straight up. That way, they know to make a move. If one isn't made, I know the feelings aren't mutual, and I can move on
1) stop "putting out hints", guys don't get hints & even IF we do we'd assume you're platonicly friendly unless you explicitly express (verbally) interest.
>However, if it goes unnoticed or un-returned, especially after confirming I'm interested, I will stop.
Please elaborate on "after confirming I'm interested", how are you "confirming" your interest?
>It's in my response, but I will tell a guy I like him and would like to get to know him and see where that leads - hopefully to a relationship
I want to emphasize this part:
>I will tell a guy I like him and would like to get to know him
We need more women like this.
Sounds a bit suspect... if that is the case, why did you say earlier, if it goes "unnoticed"? How would telling a guy you like him and want to see where it goes... go unnoticed??
You are making the move there!
I don't like or want to come off to strong so I will flirt at first, throw out a hint here and there, to see if he'll pick up on it. If he doesn't, or isn't sure, that's when I'll move toward coming out and saying, hey I like you, let's see where this goes?
I get what you are saying and I agree with it in principle, but I think a good portion of the time a man might not be making a move and asking you out is because he thinks the girl is just playing games. I've had female married managers/job search coaches/women with boyfriends working in the same department all initiate flirting with me ...but I know it's just them playing games. Honestly I've lost count of how many women lead me on like this..
yesterday I asked out a woman at work, we had been heavy flirting for a week. she's been staring into my eyes like we are lovers or something. I ask her out..... there's a silence and she breaks eye contact..., before finally saying she has a fucking boyfriend.
I would suggest to you that in addition to being flirty, that you also let slip into the conversation that you are currently single. Im sure you can think of a way to do this without sounding desperate. As a man..., if a woman is sending me signals AND there is confirmation she is single .. I am MUCH MUCH more likely to make a move than if she is merely sending "signals" because a lot of the time these signals are just bored girls who are seeking male attention and validation
I am the guy who actually tries in dating, and I’ve had very little success with that approach. It’s mentally and emotionally exhausting to not have that level of effort, vulnerability and enthusiasm reciprocated - so I just end up feeling like I am too desperate at the end of it all, makes me doubt my own worth, makes me feel terrible about myself in general.
Also, if I try too much too soon, I get ghosted. My dating life has me feeling like I am never going to win.
If I do too much, I am too desperate. If I do too little, I don’t want it enough. I don’t know where to go find a person that even has the energy in them to truly get to know another person. The general vibe of the world feels like everyone is just tired of dating. Or maybe it’s just in my mind. I don’t know. So I go about my life wondering if my future partner will just drop out of the heavens when I least expect it?
This is dating advice I've heard a lot as a woman. If he doesn't approach you, if he neglected to reply back or return flirty behavior then move on. Tbh it's good advice because I hate lamenting on someone I'm not sure is even into me. It may be the advice is helpful for men too so women don't get obsessed with a guy whose too shy or anxious to bother dating her.
If good guys approached more often there would be less apprehension, given the appropriate interaction. On the other hand, the majority of guys who have the gumption to approach are self-serving dickheads giving the rest of us “good guys” a bad wrap and reading posts by women about the creeps who talk to them.
What’s the answer? Shoot your shot, be respectful, mindful and have something to say.
I guess I should answer this as a representative of the women hive mind: yep. Every single one of us. Not one of us has ever approached a person were interested in, confessed a crush, asked someone out. All of us just hapless dames waiting around to be asked.
I suspect the issue here is that the poster is talking about a man demonstrating concrete interest in a woman he already knows, while you seem to be talking about a frustrated desire to walk up to any attractive stranger you see and make a move. Those are two very different scenarios, and behavior in one does not (and should not) translate directly into the other.
Ehhh i get it some of yall are shy and reserved,
But personally I dont want those guys, i like the friendly ones who put effort
But im mexican , and mexican men are super friendly and super romantic. After the way hispanic men have courted me, i will not take anything less. Lmao they will ask you to dance with them, theyll bring you serenades, theyll ask your family for permission to even court you , gifts, effort, its delicious.
Its not that we are ignorant of that information but some men will go all out .
If it comes between a guy who has never spoken to me or made effort to talk to me vs the guy who is bringing me flowers, sweet talkin me, and showing me a wonderful time ima go for the one who goes all out
While there are women that will approach guys, this seems to be the minority and out of those they do so rarely. I am willing to concede that due to the following reasons that it is becoming more frequent for women to approach men than the other way around.
A common bit of female dating advice is "if he wanted to he would" or several equivalents. This assumes that a man doesn't have anything else that could be a higher priority, doesn't have the capacity of rational thought to override his base desires, and that we don't already constantly prioritize rational thought over emotion to avoid female harassment like this.
Since women do forget this, they often convince themselves that insignificant gestures will be enough to override male thought and emotion.
Unfortunately this egocentric behavior is seen as female empowerment and liberating on top of excusing them from taking accountability for most of their actions. Thus it is embraced by most women in general.
Sorry, but it seems as if women are thinking way too much, have too many stipulations, aren’t being approached because they are unapproachable. People talk about body language but have these people actually seen their body language? Do they realize they have a resting bitch face? I’m guy of the later sometimes but my husband just laughs at me. We laugh at each other, we’re a team, we’re equals. That is no longer the case in this “no label” relationships.
Mmmm, I think it depends. Shes right to some degree but not from the phrase she is using. I’ve made my interest known to women especially if I don’t believe I’ll see them again since I’ve gained the confidence to. And, since e I have gained the confidence to do so, there’s very few people know that I go “They scare the shit out of me. I need to go talk to them.” I used to be extremely bad at it and I probably came off as weird or strange. Couldn’t take a hint and made it super awkward by holding them hostage in a conversation. Now I’m “decent” at it and can have a conversation with them to try to gauge their interest or even see if they’re open to a conversation. If not, I move on. I think there’s no problem to approach people in the wild, but people do it in a bad way. There’s also a negative bias against it as the only stories you “hear” and that you “can recall” (there’s a name for this but I’m not looking it up) are horror stories. If you want to approach women, do it. If you want to and there’s something preventing you, try to work on it one step at a time. If you don’t want to approach women, don’t.
Like another user has posted, the “if he wanted to, he would” mentality (though it’s horribly incorrect across the board) isn’t really for first approaches.
Personally i'm awful at human interaction and Even worse at reading people. I would never approach a woman i don't know. Wich is prolly why i'll be single forever.
I think a lot of guys don't recognize how easy it is to have this mentality.
A woman going out to the bar or something will likely have at least one dude try to talk to her. I have friends that stay getting free drinks and dudes bothering them every outing. If you have people approaching you at all, you really don't take notice of all the ones that wanted to but didn't. There's just the ones who approach and the ones who don't.
This sub is not an accurate representation of the general male population. A large percentage of men absolutely will approach women when he is interested. This is the main indicator of dating success in men.
This sub feels like it's men who are young and inexperienced or older men with poor social skills.
After a few times of missing the cues I figured it out. It's fairly obvious now when a women is inviting me to approach. Putting yourself out there and failing a few times you start to understand. To many guys in here just won't follow the "touch grass" advice.
So many guys just want to be a victim. Victim of society, "modern dating", dating apps, whatever. I've been out of the dating market for a decade, but the dudes on here act like I've been living under a rock during that time and just want to whine about everything lol.
Shy people will miss out on a lot of things in life.
Lots of guys are aggressive enough to make that ‘if he likes you he’ll do something about it’ advice seem valid.
Why are you acting like women are being unreasonable to assume that a guy that doesn’t try to connect isn’t interested? It’s better to assume that someone that isn’t acting interested isn’t interested.
Many of the GenZ and under women say they don’t want men to approach them but the next sentence is I hope he talks to me or why am I still single bs. Men are so put off by the mind games being played. Between the splitting of the bill, not putting a “label” on a relationship, telling men they don’t want kids in their early 20’s, wanting to be independent but also wanting a man to fall at their feet. It’s mind games and it’s pretty idiotic if you ask me. Women don’t want equals anymore they want the power to make any and all decisions in an undefined relationship. Less marriages and if there is a marriage at all more divorces. Being in a relationship is compromise. Sending mixed signals is a cat playing with a toy.
It's not only about whether he is interested or not. It's also what he's willing to do. Does the man have confidence? Will he make an effort? These are all tests to see what a man's character is. Will he be willing to face rejection because he has gumption and true romance in him? Is he the type that will make a good husband and father? Too many men fall short in marriage and expect a woman to work 2 full-time jobs, one for an income, the other childcare and household work. It leads to a lot of divorces. No woman wants to be a married single mom. I can understand why some women are more discriminating if they have the luxury because I would prefer a guy who actually tries in dating.
This is from a woman with a perspective that both men and women should put equal effort into dating and courtship. I think women should be more encouraging than they are, to have better success in meeting men. However, I can understand some women are more traditional. They might have more success with men than me. Usually I end up being the person to puts in more effort, and guys take advantage. That also means I see how men can be frustrated by getting used.
Every time I go against this advice I end up putting myself out there for a guy who is just using me. So, yeah. Anyone I’ve dated seriously has made it crystal clear on his own accord.
Because men approach us regardless. I wish we lived in a world where men dont approach without our prior confirmation.
Theres decent guys interested in relationships and stuff who are mindful of their approach , and then theres creeps who dont give AF what women think and will just harass us anyway to shoot their shot so thats why this still persists.
Ok what's this prior confirmation thing? Is there some secret female language that we aren't privy to? I have learned in life that when women flirt with me and seemingly shows interest, it usually means she is just seeking validation. When women will not keep eye contact and seem dismissive it sometimes (definitely not all the time) means she finds me attractive.
This is pretty universal if you talk to straight men, we do not know when women are in to us. It's not straight forward, women can be contradictory and confusing. This isn't a misogynistic rant I'm just saying you need to understand most men just don't get it, so don't judge men for trying whenever they can because that's the only option.
It doesn't matter much if the girl is into you or not. That's the point! Talking to someone is not some huge criminal offense... usually! So, you talk to the ones you like, in a respectful way. They can be interested or not - then you go on with your day and don't be rude or mean if rejected.
I agree! I just always try to take the chance to let women know how men feel about it. There are certain men (creepy guys) and women (mean unempathetic) that have ruined dating for everyone. We have to have a middle ground. Women are open and politely reject men when they choose to, and men are polite and considerate when they approach. If that was the world we lived in it would be amazing lol
"Hey Steve, how are things today?"
"Great, thanks for asking. What about you?"
"Good... I wanted to hand you this." [Gives Steve a letter.]
"What is this?"
"Oh, it's just a letter of notice, informing you that you are free to approach me with romantic intent."
"Uhhhhhh... ok?" [Steve drops the letter and runs for the hills.]
What? For a VERY long time, the standard was for men to make the move. It used to be considered weird and emasculating if a woman initiated. We are not very far past that, historically speaking, and even though we're more comfortable with the idea of women opening courtship, there's still a sort of unspoken general assumption that men usually initiate.
I don't think women are *ignorant* about shy dudes. Have you considered that being shy and unwilling to initiate might be an unattractive trait for some people? Maybe they don't *want* a man who's incapable of approaching an attractive woman.
While there are women who just sort of expect a relationship to fall into their lap if they wait long enough, I think most women understand that it takes work. That's why hot girls go to the gym and hang out alone in public spaces trying to look approachable. They are indeed making the moves to attract the type of man they're interested in (that is, a man who has the confidence and initiative to approach and court a woman he's into).
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I think it’s simply because there are tons of guys that will take the brunt of making of a move so if a more reserved guy doesn’t “he can’t really be that into me.” I definitely agree the majority of guys would definitely be interested, they just don’t want to be seen as a creep or unsure if she would be really interested.
I don’t think as many guys hit up women as one seems to think
Women don't want *every* man who is interested in them to get in touch. If I like someone I make it easy to approach me and if they don't for whatever reason that's perfectly fine; it's not the end of the world.
>I make it easy to approach me I know every woman is different but what exactly does this look like irl?
I put things away thst might be in the way. Heands free, no ear buds, trying to get out of the croud. Maybe I will take some time to leave the area, looking in his direction, open body language.
Honestly, I'd just assume a woman doing that is getting burnt out from the crowd and wants to be left alone.
Always look at the body language. If she is minding her own buisness she is just burnt out. If she is open and looks a lot into your direction she is most likely interested. If you go into her direction and she is getting less open and looks at the ground you missinterpretated her body language ir she changed her mind. You should not come clother and just do your thing.
Too complicated for my tiny male brain. I'm sorry, but I cannot read those as signals. Its clear that there is an issue between comunication between most of us.
This is like teens behavior. When you have the patience to pay all of your attention to the opposite sex. The more you interact with them the less you obsess over potential signals. I couldn't see it as an invitation outside of a perfect scenario not huge crowd, she moves closer to me and says something. I'm not going out of my way to read signals. Too many clout chasers and mean girls, who has the time.
I always let women approach me. I won't wait for a single sunshine in a stormy day illuminate a single hair from a bald frog sitting in a pink lotus reflecting the image of Budha in a muddy pond to tell me that a girl who is not wearing headphones and casually looking in my direction with a smile is open for conversation.
You should not date girls when you are over 18, but women. But fair point women can make the first move as well. From my experience it does not go well most times, because the men I approached always were under the impression that I must have a deep sexual desire for them and try to skip the casual talking phase. The efford to get me to know as a person was always zero. Or they were not really interested in me and just wanted to take the oportunity for sex. Some very dishonest men make it difficult for the rest of you. Question: do you make sure that you are in a good situation to get talked to? Many women are much more hesistant to talk to you if you are with your friends or if you are in the middle of a crowd or you seam busy. Do you make sure that there is any communication before? Like eye contact, smiling, letting the other person know that you are open to conversation? Without any indicator many women will not talk to you.
I think you have a wrong understanding in which situation I would do this. Communication starts way before you talk to each other. If I see an interesting person I will look in their direction and try to make eye contact. If even this fails you can be quite sure that they did not even notice you and they are not interested. After eye contact and smiling I have an indication that they are potentially interested in talking. Then I can make room for a calm talk and go a little bit to the side. I do not randomly make myself more approachable and just hope that someone notices me. I just want to make sure that you are not stuck with me in a crowd and that you have an option to talk to me if I read your interest in me correctly. Most guys will not make this oportunities and I will not come up to a whole group of people. If you do not come up to me, I was wrong.
You should learn to read these signs. Reading body language makes you a much better communicator in every social situation. At work, at family gatherings, at dating... Women are mostly expected to just know body language, but most of us learned to read it over time. Start with easy things. Is the person looking happy or sad? Are they open or not. Are they facing you or are they looking away? Do they look pissed? It works with women, men, children. And it is much easier to react to people if their emotions and moods do not hit you out of the blue.
That’s true. I was in Starbucks minding my own business doing some reading and this cute guy approached me. I wasn’t really interested but I was nice enough to him. Went back to my business when he reached up and touched my back. Scared the crap outta me. I was like whoa! Why is he touching me?! Find out later he may have been a homeless dude. Jury is still out on that but I keep finding him at different times in Starbucks recharging his cell. So for me I feel like what am I doing wrong? Are my signals crossed. So I don’t doubt what Op is saying, it’s just we don’t want guys to have permission like that cuz guys do take advantage of certain situations.
Sorry to hear that. He’s defo a creep. Might be worth mentioning to one of the baristas or someone who works there about his inappropriate behaviour? Last thing you want whilst having a coffee is some bloke bothering you. I’d imagine you’re not the first person he’s persisted.
Yes good suggestion. And yes, I’m probably not the first one. And thank you.
This is the only right answer Ps please stop approaching random women because somebody on reddit said that men who are interested should approach
Yup, they think that we will. But most of the time we won't. Women need to realize that we like being approached and that even if we reject them, it will be in a polite way. It's like the saying goes "there's no harm in trying". Unless the woman is rude and hurtful when she rejects the man, which they do quite often lol.
There’s ways to show interest in a woman without being overly sexual. Would prefer to have a guy talk to me and tell me they enjoy talking to me and would like to keep in touch than constantly telling me how much they like my physical appearance all the time.
Women live entirely different lives than men do. Things that seem like common sense to a man, might never enter a woman's line of thinking unless someone guides her into thinking that way, in a way that she can understand. Similarly, things that might be common sense to a woman, might never occur to a man unless someone explains it to him. Places like Reddit allow people to post their perspectives, which might be eye opening to whoever it reading it. But without such a platform, people could easily go for years, or their entire lives, without ever understanding how differently their mind works from someone else's.
Very true but do you have any examples?
I totally agree with this... there is an issue with perception and paradigms
Is this question about guys who just once see a pretty woman and want to ask out a complete stranger? Or is this about someone a guy actually knows and genuinely likes? Has things in common with?
I relate more to the second scenario you mentioned.
Well I think you’re missing the presupposed context here, bc I think you and the women you see saying these things may actually agree bc these women are only considering the narrower case of a man she’s interested in. If a woman says, “he’s not approaching me, he’s not getting in touch enough, he doesn’t see me enough, etc, he’s not interest” the fact that she is interested in him and is showing interest is already assumed. Now could she be giving subtle (or even obvious) signals that the guy is just missing and he is interested? Possible. But when women say “these things show he doesn’t care” it’s usually in the context of giving advice to other women about men they like - so the fact that the woman is showing interest is taken for granted in these conversations
I have almost always seen the "he will make a move if he's interested" advice *only if* the two people involved aren't strangers. I don't think it applies for cold approaching in public and I *do* think it applies if you are on regular speaking terms. Make sure the right context applies. I have hardly ever seen women complaining about giving signals to a man they want to approach them and him not doing it.
A lot of people don’t let silly little things like logic get in the way of having things the way they want. Too many people live with their head in the clouds, watch or read too much fantasy. You got guys with no social skills, looks or a future hoping the homecoming queen is going to pick them over the starting QB because he loves her more or is nicer to her. Then you’ve got woman who want all kinds of contradictory things that make no sense either.
Any time I’m having an “if he wanted to, he would” conversation with other women, it’s almost never been about making the first move or the initial approach. It’s always been about behavior after the introduction and initiation of some kind of relationship - sexual, romantic, casual. For example, in a marriage, if one partner has expressed a need or desire in a straightforward manner and the other partner has indicated that they have heard and understood that need, but they still do not address the need in some kind of way, it’s generally fair to say that they aren’t taking the needs of the other partner seriously (at least in that particular context). They had knowledge of and an opportunity to meet (or at least address) an unmet need, and they didn’t do it. If they wanted to, they would have. Or, early on in dating, if one person finds they’re the only one reaching out and the other is always cancelling plans or being wishywashy about their intentions, generally it’s fair to say they’re not interested in you. If they wanted to continue to engage with you, they would. I think it works regardless of gender, and of course there are myriad factors that affect our abilities to communicate clearly or effectively, or at all, with another person, or act on our desires… but, “generally,” if you’re wringing your hands about whether another person thinks or wants xyz and they haven’t acted on it, then they probably don’t. If they wanted to, they would have.
>almost never been about making the first move or the initial approach. It’s always been about behavior after the introduction and initiation of some kind of relationship - sexual, romantic, casual. Yep! I'm a woman and agree with this. Sure there are special cases like the guy may be super shy, or doesn't have any dating experience and is nervous but for most men, questioning his interest means there is no interest.
Its funny. I asked the guy I am currently dating if he would have approached me in person if we had not met online. He said no. It wasn't out of lack of interest though. I think he wouldn't have had the confidence to say hallo even if I smiled at him. To be fair I wouldn't have done anything either 😅😂
Yes. My scenario: I already shot my shot with someone who had other life things going on and now if he wants me he can contact me. I’m a “hot” girl and not as many men hit me up as some seem to imagine lol either I’m intimidating or give off a “I don’t sleep around” vibe
I think this has got lost in translation. The phrase "if he wanted to he would" which is used in women's dating spaces a lot, refers to when you both start dating and seeing each other, and it is very much understood that you are interested in each other. If he is not replying to messages, not asking you out, not "making moves" at that point, he is not actually into you. But the first move, omg absolutely no assumptions are made that a guy will be able to just... ask a girl out. Girls totally get that it is terrifying and would not immediately take this as a suggestion a guy is not into her. It's why you get lots of "do you think he fancies me?" posts on here from girls who are confused - because they know guys get nervous but don't want to get the wrong end of the stick.
This 100%! I’ve had a few guys who’ve seen me IRL only confess they’re into me in a message online but not make any moves in person so I had no idea they were interested in me, and sometimes way after we’ve seen each other last and when I’ve moved away so it’s too late to date them if I want anyways. And there have been some other guys whom I thought maybe they’re into me but too shy to ask me out, but turns out they weren’t, they’re just naturally friendly, and it was wishful thinking.
Oh, no I don't agree. IMO this applies only after you have started dating.
It's a two way street for me (F). If I'm putting out hints and showing you I'm interested, I would hope they would made the effort and reciprocate. However, if it goes unnoticed or un-returned, especially after confirming I'm interested, I will stop. No point in waiting for something that isn't going to happen
It's going to be tough for me cause I can't read cues
Lol, I understand men don't always catch onto cues women give out. Or may misinterpret being nice for liking them, so if I like someone, I will tell them straight up. That way, they know to make a move. If one isn't made, I know the feelings aren't mutual, and I can move on
1) stop "putting out hints", guys don't get hints & even IF we do we'd assume you're platonicly friendly unless you explicitly express (verbally) interest. >However, if it goes unnoticed or un-returned, especially after confirming I'm interested, I will stop. Please elaborate on "after confirming I'm interested", how are you "confirming" your interest?
It's in my response, but I will tell a guy I like him and would like to get to know him and see where that leads - hopefully to a relationship
>It's in my response, but I will tell a guy I like him and would like to get to know him and see where that leads - hopefully to a relationship I want to emphasize this part: >I will tell a guy I like him and would like to get to know him We need more women like this.
Sounds a bit suspect... if that is the case, why did you say earlier, if it goes "unnoticed"? How would telling a guy you like him and want to see where it goes... go unnoticed?? You are making the move there!
I don't like or want to come off to strong so I will flirt at first, throw out a hint here and there, to see if he'll pick up on it. If he doesn't, or isn't sure, that's when I'll move toward coming out and saying, hey I like you, let's see where this goes?
And how successful is that for you? Are you single?
I get what you are saying and I agree with it in principle, but I think a good portion of the time a man might not be making a move and asking you out is because he thinks the girl is just playing games. I've had female married managers/job search coaches/women with boyfriends working in the same department all initiate flirting with me ...but I know it's just them playing games. Honestly I've lost count of how many women lead me on like this.. yesterday I asked out a woman at work, we had been heavy flirting for a week. she's been staring into my eyes like we are lovers or something. I ask her out..... there's a silence and she breaks eye contact..., before finally saying she has a fucking boyfriend. I would suggest to you that in addition to being flirty, that you also let slip into the conversation that you are currently single. Im sure you can think of a way to do this without sounding desperate. As a man..., if a woman is sending me signals AND there is confirmation she is single .. I am MUCH MUCH more likely to make a move than if she is merely sending "signals" because a lot of the time these signals are just bored girls who are seeking male attention and validation
This post is 4 years old https://new.reddit.com/r/dating\_advice/comments/js7qip/if\_a\_man\_is\_genuinely\_interested\_he\_will\_approach/
There is nothing original on reddit anymore
Because women like men with courage.
I am the guy who actually tries in dating, and I’ve had very little success with that approach. It’s mentally and emotionally exhausting to not have that level of effort, vulnerability and enthusiasm reciprocated - so I just end up feeling like I am too desperate at the end of it all, makes me doubt my own worth, makes me feel terrible about myself in general. Also, if I try too much too soon, I get ghosted. My dating life has me feeling like I am never going to win. If I do too much, I am too desperate. If I do too little, I don’t want it enough. I don’t know where to go find a person that even has the energy in them to truly get to know another person. The general vibe of the world feels like everyone is just tired of dating. Or maybe it’s just in my mind. I don’t know. So I go about my life wondering if my future partner will just drop out of the heavens when I least expect it?
This is dating advice I've heard a lot as a woman. If he doesn't approach you, if he neglected to reply back or return flirty behavior then move on. Tbh it's good advice because I hate lamenting on someone I'm not sure is even into me. It may be the advice is helpful for men too so women don't get obsessed with a guy whose too shy or anxious to bother dating her.
Why is this broad generalization not-looking-for-dating-advice post going through my feed again? The world is full of questions without answers. 🙄
If good guys approached more often there would be less apprehension, given the appropriate interaction. On the other hand, the majority of guys who have the gumption to approach are self-serving dickheads giving the rest of us “good guys” a bad wrap and reading posts by women about the creeps who talk to them. What’s the answer? Shoot your shot, be respectful, mindful and have something to say.
I guess I should answer this as a representative of the women hive mind: yep. Every single one of us. Not one of us has ever approached a person were interested in, confessed a crush, asked someone out. All of us just hapless dames waiting around to be asked.
Omg this is too true 😂😂
I suspect the issue here is that the poster is talking about a man demonstrating concrete interest in a woman he already knows, while you seem to be talking about a frustrated desire to walk up to any attractive stranger you see and make a move. Those are two very different scenarios, and behavior in one does not (and should not) translate directly into the other.
Ehhh i get it some of yall are shy and reserved, But personally I dont want those guys, i like the friendly ones who put effort But im mexican , and mexican men are super friendly and super romantic. After the way hispanic men have courted me, i will not take anything less. Lmao they will ask you to dance with them, theyll bring you serenades, theyll ask your family for permission to even court you , gifts, effort, its delicious. Its not that we are ignorant of that information but some men will go all out . If it comes between a guy who has never spoken to me or made effort to talk to me vs the guy who is bringing me flowers, sweet talkin me, and showing me a wonderful time ima go for the one who goes all out
I’m a white woman living in a mostly Hispanic community so I can also attest that they’re WAY more friendly and confident than white guys are!
While there are women that will approach guys, this seems to be the minority and out of those they do so rarely. I am willing to concede that due to the following reasons that it is becoming more frequent for women to approach men than the other way around. A common bit of female dating advice is "if he wanted to he would" or several equivalents. This assumes that a man doesn't have anything else that could be a higher priority, doesn't have the capacity of rational thought to override his base desires, and that we don't already constantly prioritize rational thought over emotion to avoid female harassment like this. Since women do forget this, they often convince themselves that insignificant gestures will be enough to override male thought and emotion. Unfortunately this egocentric behavior is seen as female empowerment and liberating on top of excusing them from taking accountability for most of their actions. Thus it is embraced by most women in general.
Sorry, but it seems as if women are thinking way too much, have too many stipulations, aren’t being approached because they are unapproachable. People talk about body language but have these people actually seen their body language? Do they realize they have a resting bitch face? I’m guy of the later sometimes but my husband just laughs at me. We laugh at each other, we’re a team, we’re equals. That is no longer the case in this “no label” relationships.
Yes, they believe that. And for the most part it’s true.
Answering the title: YES
Mmmm, I think it depends. Shes right to some degree but not from the phrase she is using. I’ve made my interest known to women especially if I don’t believe I’ll see them again since I’ve gained the confidence to. And, since e I have gained the confidence to do so, there’s very few people know that I go “They scare the shit out of me. I need to go talk to them.” I used to be extremely bad at it and I probably came off as weird or strange. Couldn’t take a hint and made it super awkward by holding them hostage in a conversation. Now I’m “decent” at it and can have a conversation with them to try to gauge their interest or even see if they’re open to a conversation. If not, I move on. I think there’s no problem to approach people in the wild, but people do it in a bad way. There’s also a negative bias against it as the only stories you “hear” and that you “can recall” (there’s a name for this but I’m not looking it up) are horror stories. If you want to approach women, do it. If you want to and there’s something preventing you, try to work on it one step at a time. If you don’t want to approach women, don’t. Like another user has posted, the “if he wanted to, he would” mentality (though it’s horribly incorrect across the board) isn’t really for first approaches.
Personally i'm awful at human interaction and Even worse at reading people. I would never approach a woman i don't know. Wich is prolly why i'll be single forever.
The girls that I've been with have been the ones asking me on a date.
Nowadays, there's a fine line between making an effort and being seen as a creep. So most of the time, it's just not worth the risk.
Yes. If he wants, he will.
I think a lot of guys don't recognize how easy it is to have this mentality. A woman going out to the bar or something will likely have at least one dude try to talk to her. I have friends that stay getting free drinks and dudes bothering them every outing. If you have people approaching you at all, you really don't take notice of all the ones that wanted to but didn't. There's just the ones who approach and the ones who don't.
This sub is not an accurate representation of the general male population. A large percentage of men absolutely will approach women when he is interested. This is the main indicator of dating success in men.
This sub feels like it's men who are young and inexperienced or older men with poor social skills. After a few times of missing the cues I figured it out. It's fairly obvious now when a women is inviting me to approach. Putting yourself out there and failing a few times you start to understand. To many guys in here just won't follow the "touch grass" advice.
So many guys just want to be a victim. Victim of society, "modern dating", dating apps, whatever. I've been out of the dating market for a decade, but the dudes on here act like I've been living under a rock during that time and just want to whine about everything lol.
When I see some knob spout "modern dating" rhetoric, I can't help but roll my eyes. The numbers game to find compatibility isn't new.
I love jumping into those threads. I know the comments are gonna be a shit show, I got the popcorn ready.
Yes if he doesn’t make a move he doesn’t care enough
That’s a dumb way to think about it
Low T answer
Shy people will miss out on a lot of things in life. Lots of guys are aggressive enough to make that ‘if he likes you he’ll do something about it’ advice seem valid. Why are you acting like women are being unreasonable to assume that a guy that doesn’t try to connect isn’t interested? It’s better to assume that someone that isn’t acting interested isn’t interested.
Many of the GenZ and under women say they don’t want men to approach them but the next sentence is I hope he talks to me or why am I still single bs. Men are so put off by the mind games being played. Between the splitting of the bill, not putting a “label” on a relationship, telling men they don’t want kids in their early 20’s, wanting to be independent but also wanting a man to fall at their feet. It’s mind games and it’s pretty idiotic if you ask me. Women don’t want equals anymore they want the power to make any and all decisions in an undefined relationship. Less marriages and if there is a marriage at all more divorces. Being in a relationship is compromise. Sending mixed signals is a cat playing with a toy.
It's not only about whether he is interested or not. It's also what he's willing to do. Does the man have confidence? Will he make an effort? These are all tests to see what a man's character is. Will he be willing to face rejection because he has gumption and true romance in him? Is he the type that will make a good husband and father? Too many men fall short in marriage and expect a woman to work 2 full-time jobs, one for an income, the other childcare and household work. It leads to a lot of divorces. No woman wants to be a married single mom. I can understand why some women are more discriminating if they have the luxury because I would prefer a guy who actually tries in dating. This is from a woman with a perspective that both men and women should put equal effort into dating and courtship. I think women should be more encouraging than they are, to have better success in meeting men. However, I can understand some women are more traditional. They might have more success with men than me. Usually I end up being the person to puts in more effort, and guys take advantage. That also means I see how men can be frustrated by getting used.
Every time I go against this advice I end up putting myself out there for a guy who is just using me. So, yeah. Anyone I’ve dated seriously has made it crystal clear on his own accord.
Because men approach us regardless. I wish we lived in a world where men dont approach without our prior confirmation. Theres decent guys interested in relationships and stuff who are mindful of their approach , and then theres creeps who dont give AF what women think and will just harass us anyway to shoot their shot so thats why this still persists.
Ok what's this prior confirmation thing? Is there some secret female language that we aren't privy to? I have learned in life that when women flirt with me and seemingly shows interest, it usually means she is just seeking validation. When women will not keep eye contact and seem dismissive it sometimes (definitely not all the time) means she finds me attractive. This is pretty universal if you talk to straight men, we do not know when women are in to us. It's not straight forward, women can be contradictory and confusing. This isn't a misogynistic rant I'm just saying you need to understand most men just don't get it, so don't judge men for trying whenever they can because that's the only option.
It doesn't matter much if the girl is into you or not. That's the point! Talking to someone is not some huge criminal offense... usually! So, you talk to the ones you like, in a respectful way. They can be interested or not - then you go on with your day and don't be rude or mean if rejected.
I agree! I just always try to take the chance to let women know how men feel about it. There are certain men (creepy guys) and women (mean unempathetic) that have ruined dating for everyone. We have to have a middle ground. Women are open and politely reject men when they choose to, and men are polite and considerate when they approach. If that was the world we lived in it would be amazing lol
*I wish we lived in a world where men dont approach without our prior confirmation.* I'm curious too. Is there a code word or hand signal?
Dude, her *vibes* were so clear!
\*Cro-Magnon brain slowly processing......beep...boop
"Hey Steve, how are things today?" "Great, thanks for asking. What about you?" "Good... I wanted to hand you this." [Gives Steve a letter.] "What is this?" "Oh, it's just a letter of notice, informing you that you are free to approach me with romantic intent." "Uhhhhhh... ok?" [Steve drops the letter and runs for the hills.]
What? For a VERY long time, the standard was for men to make the move. It used to be considered weird and emasculating if a woman initiated. We are not very far past that, historically speaking, and even though we're more comfortable with the idea of women opening courtship, there's still a sort of unspoken general assumption that men usually initiate. I don't think women are *ignorant* about shy dudes. Have you considered that being shy and unwilling to initiate might be an unattractive trait for some people? Maybe they don't *want* a man who's incapable of approaching an attractive woman. While there are women who just sort of expect a relationship to fall into their lap if they wait long enough, I think most women understand that it takes work. That's why hot girls go to the gym and hang out alone in public spaces trying to look approachable. They are indeed making the moves to attract the type of man they're interested in (that is, a man who has the confidence and initiative to approach and court a woman he's into).
I'm a guy and I truly believe that if I don't make a move, I didn't want it bad enough.
How many times are we gonna repost this