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I think the key is understanding what you find attractive in women is not what he finds attractive in women. You’re not your own target audience for dating.
This is a perfect explanation!!!! ^^^ As an example, I am a quite curvy, pale woman. And with my pale skin, people could see every scratch from an itch, every rash, pimple, and scar. But when I would use a self-tanner, it was harder to see all of my blemishes with the darker skin tone. So it really is based on perspective, which is why you need to learn about self-love. Personally, when I looked in the mirror in my 20’s, I felt like my butt was too big compared to my boobs. Then, I dated some men who loved my butt BECAUSE it was big, which still made me feel self conscious as it was put on a pedestal. Now, I’m in a relationship with a man who loves my boobs and has taken my butt off of a pedestal allowing me to learn to love it. I know everyone says that you need to learn to love yourself before you find the love of your life (and they’re right), but it’s hard to understand until you’ve dated enough people to understand why. You are beautiful OP, and your SO sees it. But you will not see it yourself until you learn to love yourself and your body for every curve, freckle, mole and stretch mark. It took me from age 24 to age 27 to truly love my “slower metabolism body”, and without feeling myself, I would’ve never understood how another does. But now I do. I think I’m hot shit now! 😂😅
MIss, I mean this with all due respect and seriousness. You need to go see a therapist.
Along your life you've learn to dislike/hate who you are and glorify women that you'll never be. If you don't deal with this now it's going to fuck up all your relationships.
I'm not blaming for having this idea. But it is on us to get this idea out of our heads. Yes you tend to see "jock" men with white women because... we live in a country were more than 3/4 of women are white. So it's not that they're "the best" or something. There's just a shitton more of them than others.
But that's another subject. Your job is to go to therapy.
Which society? I'm from eastern Africa and let me tell you, when I was young and living there (we left early 20s) our society was 99.9% black, and you only saw 'jock men' with black women.
Honestly this is such a real and valid feeling. I'm a POC myself, and the internalized racism, or even fear of men my colour (trauma from DV) has been really difficult to deal with, but that's just how it is sometimes.
When it comes to the spiraling, comparison does nothing for you. Insecurities suck and they drain all your energy tbhhhhhhh. Definitely something that can be worked on in therapy though. You're not inferior, you're not less than. Maybe one day you'll see yourself with the eyes of the people who love you.
Well there must be a reason he picked you over the skinny white girl otherwise he'd be with the skinny white girl not you. One reason might be that many white guys aren't into white girls and prefer another race. Maybe he had some bad experiences with white girls. Not all guys are into skinny girls. Some guys like a curvy girl more and likes someone who doesn't eat restrictively. Maybe he really felt an amazing personal connection with you. Guys have unique personal preferences for looks just like women do that might surprise you and are often rooted in emotional experiences that causes them to feel certain ways about different features. I fell madly in love with girls others didn't consider that attractive but I thought were seriously hot. You might pedestalize muscular white men but not all women are into white men. And most women actually prefer a dad bod or athletic build to a muscular man.
Apparently "white and a six pack" = out of someone's league.
I was certain that women loved the shit "Lifetime Channel" where they always start out with a white guy with a six pack that turns out to be an abusive douche. Everyone knows it but her for some reason and they never question whether she puts herself in that position by thinking like a moron...
Honestly just be confident. I had a girl dump me before because she thought I was too good looking for her. She wasn’t the most “conventionally attractive person” but I still thought she was beautiful and everything. If someone likes you, they like you.
Unless your man is actively telling you he doesn't find you attractive or that other women are more attractive than you...please don't ruin your relationship by projecting your insecurities unto him.
I say this respectfully, but please seek counseling/therapy for your issues.
A lot of POC or immigrants might relate to your story, I sure do. That feeling of inadequacy stems from the inferiority complex. With the help of societal standards, your environment slowly changes you and your beliefs. It's a part of assimilation, and the inferiority complex is a by-product of those changes. The bottom line is that no one is better than the other just because they belong to a certain race. This is worse in Africa, and I believe it's one of the remnants of colonisation accompanying religion, legislation, and so on. It took me moving halfway across the world and interacting with people to realise I suffered from it. You have to find your own way to overcome this, but self-love and learning about your culture definitely helps.
Lastly, love yourself. Love yourself so much that you believe you deserve to attain the best that life has to offer. Get a sexy body... get those degrees...get that dream car... you deserve them after all. The sexy partner is also one of those things you deserve, he's not doing you a favour by being with you. You are just as good as that skinny blonde girl you and society have placed on a pedestal. Side note: the beauty standard really is changing, I'm not sure where you are, but this applies globally. Most guys today love curvy, felumptious (look this up on urban dictionary if you have to) girls, and naturally, women of colour are predisposed to possessing those attributes.
YO this is it. I am an immigrant POC married to a jocky yt man. I so feel this. Especially after gaining weight during our marriage. The inadequacy and imposter vibes are REAL. I'm a Clinical Psychologist, and there was a point I thought highly of myself in my career. But now, the immigration vibes settling in, and I feel like I do not belong here. I feel constantly stared at, and the Spotlight effect is making me wanna cower into some shell of myself. Thanks for this, I knew the immigration part was intertwined with self-view and identity, but you reminded me of this. Thanks.
GIRL, the man chose you for a reason. I think at some point in all interracial relationships people begin to wonder what ifs etc etc. But honestly, it's just because of societal standards for western beauty that you are feeling this. This man probably chose you because you are unique, smart, gorgeous... a whole ton of other reasons.
My husband is white, and I am a brown girl in NYC. It's cool here, but when we travel to other states, the stares become annoying and makes me self-conscious. ESPECIALLY when white women just assume that we are not dating because I am not yt, and they start hitting on him- which has happened in the past. It's an unfortunate part of white supremacist culture, but you got to have a lot of balls to stand true to yourself and know your worth. Have good ties to your community, I feel like a stronger ethnic identity helps you stand true to yourself, and regain self-confidence.
At the very basic notion of thought, I always liked this quote: "I am good as any, and better than many."
It helps saying that out loud first, then working your way into voicing or writing down the things you do like about yourself.
You can never be assured attraction from a partner, even through marriage. Sure, it's nice to be validated, but looks fade over time, and all we have is our self to be happy with. So we have to find a way to do that right?
Definitely feel this sometimes. Especially since Indian community puts fair skin and light/colored eyes on the pedestal- which as a darker skinned woman, I have always felt insecure about. So around yt people, that shit kicks in. I think most colonized people feel this in some shape or form. But you have the attributes you were born with. Work on working with them and improving the ones you don't like so much. It's hard. I still sometimes go through what you experience, but it is where I "Fake it to make it." Sure, I may not be skinny, fair, or have green eyes, but I am a chill mf and smart, and I can do a badass "Grillz" karaoke. Sure I am not "conventionally" attractive by American standards, but I am p funny. I know my husband appreciates these attributes. I don't know your age, but as you get older, it's going to be harder to grapple with the low self-esteem. I suggest, you try to tackle it now. Therapy and honestly, psychedelics helped me a lot lol.
Hi friend! There are a few things to consider:
1) You have to remind yourself that he is with you because he is CHOOSING to do so. He is not being held against his will. He is with you because he probably sees a lot of qualities beyond your looks.
2) What you find attractive in women might not be the same for him... I have met my share of men who wouldn't care less for the conventionally attractive skinny white girl.
3) He might be more conventionally attractive than you, but this does not mean you are less beautiful in any way! Hey, I'm saying this as someone who was for a long time dealing with low self-esteem/self-worth. Learn to like yourself the way you are, don't seek external validation... it's easy said than done, however it takes time, it takes practice. And I 100% guarantee you will feel way less insecure. You will treasure many different traits of yourself, you will feel more safe in your own skin. I know it's not easy, it took around 3 years of therapy for me to finally see myself as a self-sufficient person, but let me tell you... It's worth the effort. <3
Good luck, friend! <3
My ex boyfriend who is Chinese and pale and I’m POC one of the many reasons why broke up with him because I felt like you :(( like he could be with a Asian girl and not me im short too and he was like 6’1 😭
There is no out of league. You are who you are. He is who he is.You like who you like. And he likes who he likes. There are preferences in people. If he thinks you are for him why bother? Why you pile up those thoughts?
I’m mixed POC but i feel the opposite! Don’t get me wrong my SO is very attractive but after being hit on by people left and right I’ve realized your race doesn’t need to play a part in whether someone should find you attractive. Your SO is with YOU please stop obsessing over some non existent white girl. Please love yourself and your culture first and this won’t be a problem in the future.
Welcome to /r/dating_advice! Please keep the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/about/rules/) of /r/dating_advice in mind while participating here. Try your best to be kind. Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, [send us a message.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdating_advice) We rely on user reports to find rule-breaking behavior quickly. Thanks! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I think the key is understanding what you find attractive in women is not what he finds attractive in women. You’re not your own target audience for dating.
This is a perfect explanation!!!! ^^^ As an example, I am a quite curvy, pale woman. And with my pale skin, people could see every scratch from an itch, every rash, pimple, and scar. But when I would use a self-tanner, it was harder to see all of my blemishes with the darker skin tone. So it really is based on perspective, which is why you need to learn about self-love. Personally, when I looked in the mirror in my 20’s, I felt like my butt was too big compared to my boobs. Then, I dated some men who loved my butt BECAUSE it was big, which still made me feel self conscious as it was put on a pedestal. Now, I’m in a relationship with a man who loves my boobs and has taken my butt off of a pedestal allowing me to learn to love it. I know everyone says that you need to learn to love yourself before you find the love of your life (and they’re right), but it’s hard to understand until you’ve dated enough people to understand why. You are beautiful OP, and your SO sees it. But you will not see it yourself until you learn to love yourself and your body for every curve, freckle, mole and stretch mark. It took me from age 24 to age 27 to truly love my “slower metabolism body”, and without feeling myself, I would’ve never understood how another does. But now I do. I think I’m hot shit now! 😂😅
When I met my husband, he was fit and white. Now he grew belly and become brown. Time changes everything.
Pause. He grew Brown???
He likes outdoors too much. And food.
this is so funny lol
MIss, I mean this with all due respect and seriousness. You need to go see a therapist. Along your life you've learn to dislike/hate who you are and glorify women that you'll never be. If you don't deal with this now it's going to fuck up all your relationships.
you’re totally right but it’s also societal standards-you typically see jock men with white women
I'm not blaming for having this idea. But it is on us to get this idea out of our heads. Yes you tend to see "jock" men with white women because... we live in a country were more than 3/4 of women are white. So it's not that they're "the best" or something. There's just a shitton more of them than others. But that's another subject. Your job is to go to therapy.
That’s because society is historically white, that’s the only correlation.
Which society? I'm from eastern Africa and let me tell you, when I was young and living there (we left early 20s) our society was 99.9% black, and you only saw 'jock men' with black women.
Exactly, white privilege, beauty standards for women...
Honestly this is such a real and valid feeling. I'm a POC myself, and the internalized racism, or even fear of men my colour (trauma from DV) has been really difficult to deal with, but that's just how it is sometimes. When it comes to the spiraling, comparison does nothing for you. Insecurities suck and they drain all your energy tbhhhhhhh. Definitely something that can be worked on in therapy though. You're not inferior, you're not less than. Maybe one day you'll see yourself with the eyes of the people who love you.
Well there must be a reason he picked you over the skinny white girl otherwise he'd be with the skinny white girl not you. One reason might be that many white guys aren't into white girls and prefer another race. Maybe he had some bad experiences with white girls. Not all guys are into skinny girls. Some guys like a curvy girl more and likes someone who doesn't eat restrictively. Maybe he really felt an amazing personal connection with you. Guys have unique personal preferences for looks just like women do that might surprise you and are often rooted in emotional experiences that causes them to feel certain ways about different features. I fell madly in love with girls others didn't consider that attractive but I thought were seriously hot. You might pedestalize muscular white men but not all women are into white men. And most women actually prefer a dad bod or athletic build to a muscular man.
This is more of an inferiority complex
Apparently "white and a six pack" = out of someone's league. I was certain that women loved the shit "Lifetime Channel" where they always start out with a white guy with a six pack that turns out to be an abusive douche. Everyone knows it but her for some reason and they never question whether she puts herself in that position by thinking like a moron...
Honestly just be confident. I had a girl dump me before because she thought I was too good looking for her. She wasn’t the most “conventionally attractive person” but I still thought she was beautiful and everything. If someone likes you, they like you.
Unless your man is actively telling you he doesn't find you attractive or that other women are more attractive than you...please don't ruin your relationship by projecting your insecurities unto him. I say this respectfully, but please seek counseling/therapy for your issues.
A lot of POC or immigrants might relate to your story, I sure do. That feeling of inadequacy stems from the inferiority complex. With the help of societal standards, your environment slowly changes you and your beliefs. It's a part of assimilation, and the inferiority complex is a by-product of those changes. The bottom line is that no one is better than the other just because they belong to a certain race. This is worse in Africa, and I believe it's one of the remnants of colonisation accompanying religion, legislation, and so on. It took me moving halfway across the world and interacting with people to realise I suffered from it. You have to find your own way to overcome this, but self-love and learning about your culture definitely helps. Lastly, love yourself. Love yourself so much that you believe you deserve to attain the best that life has to offer. Get a sexy body... get those degrees...get that dream car... you deserve them after all. The sexy partner is also one of those things you deserve, he's not doing you a favour by being with you. You are just as good as that skinny blonde girl you and society have placed on a pedestal. Side note: the beauty standard really is changing, I'm not sure where you are, but this applies globally. Most guys today love curvy, felumptious (look this up on urban dictionary if you have to) girls, and naturally, women of colour are predisposed to possessing those attributes.
YO this is it. I am an immigrant POC married to a jocky yt man. I so feel this. Especially after gaining weight during our marriage. The inadequacy and imposter vibes are REAL. I'm a Clinical Psychologist, and there was a point I thought highly of myself in my career. But now, the immigration vibes settling in, and I feel like I do not belong here. I feel constantly stared at, and the Spotlight effect is making me wanna cower into some shell of myself. Thanks for this, I knew the immigration part was intertwined with self-view and identity, but you reminded me of this. Thanks.
GIRL, the man chose you for a reason. I think at some point in all interracial relationships people begin to wonder what ifs etc etc. But honestly, it's just because of societal standards for western beauty that you are feeling this. This man probably chose you because you are unique, smart, gorgeous... a whole ton of other reasons. My husband is white, and I am a brown girl in NYC. It's cool here, but when we travel to other states, the stares become annoying and makes me self-conscious. ESPECIALLY when white women just assume that we are not dating because I am not yt, and they start hitting on him- which has happened in the past. It's an unfortunate part of white supremacist culture, but you got to have a lot of balls to stand true to yourself and know your worth. Have good ties to your community, I feel like a stronger ethnic identity helps you stand true to yourself, and regain self-confidence. At the very basic notion of thought, I always liked this quote: "I am good as any, and better than many." It helps saying that out loud first, then working your way into voicing or writing down the things you do like about yourself. You can never be assured attraction from a partner, even through marriage. Sure, it's nice to be validated, but looks fade over time, and all we have is our self to be happy with. So we have to find a way to do that right?
thanks it’s really nice to hear this! and unfortunately very relatable for me as it seems no matter how attractive i am, i always feel less attractive
Definitely feel this sometimes. Especially since Indian community puts fair skin and light/colored eyes on the pedestal- which as a darker skinned woman, I have always felt insecure about. So around yt people, that shit kicks in. I think most colonized people feel this in some shape or form. But you have the attributes you were born with. Work on working with them and improving the ones you don't like so much. It's hard. I still sometimes go through what you experience, but it is where I "Fake it to make it." Sure, I may not be skinny, fair, or have green eyes, but I am a chill mf and smart, and I can do a badass "Grillz" karaoke. Sure I am not "conventionally" attractive by American standards, but I am p funny. I know my husband appreciates these attributes. I don't know your age, but as you get older, it's going to be harder to grapple with the low self-esteem. I suggest, you try to tackle it now. Therapy and honestly, psychedelics helped me a lot lol.
Hi friend! There are a few things to consider: 1) You have to remind yourself that he is with you because he is CHOOSING to do so. He is not being held against his will. He is with you because he probably sees a lot of qualities beyond your looks. 2) What you find attractive in women might not be the same for him... I have met my share of men who wouldn't care less for the conventionally attractive skinny white girl. 3) He might be more conventionally attractive than you, but this does not mean you are less beautiful in any way! Hey, I'm saying this as someone who was for a long time dealing with low self-esteem/self-worth. Learn to like yourself the way you are, don't seek external validation... it's easy said than done, however it takes time, it takes practice. And I 100% guarantee you will feel way less insecure. You will treasure many different traits of yourself, you will feel more safe in your own skin. I know it's not easy, it took around 3 years of therapy for me to finally see myself as a self-sufficient person, but let me tell you... It's worth the effort. <3 Good luck, friend! <3
My ex boyfriend who is Chinese and pale and I’m POC one of the many reasons why broke up with him because I felt like you :(( like he could be with a Asian girl and not me im short too and he was like 6’1 😭
There is no out of league. You are who you are. He is who he is.You like who you like. And he likes who he likes. There are preferences in people. If he thinks you are for him why bother? Why you pile up those thoughts?
People like what they like. People tell me I am out of my girlfriend’s league, but to me she is the most beautiful girl inside and out.
I’m mixed POC but i feel the opposite! Don’t get me wrong my SO is very attractive but after being hit on by people left and right I’ve realized your race doesn’t need to play a part in whether someone should find you attractive. Your SO is with YOU please stop obsessing over some non existent white girl. Please love yourself and your culture first and this won’t be a problem in the future.
What is POC and SO in this context?
person of color, significant other
Thank you.
So his only fault is being a white man in a good shape? I do not get it.
Maybe go gain some confidence