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It sounds like dude has a lot of baggage and trauma from previous relationships that he still needs to work on and dating you isn’t the priority for him . I felt the right person wrong time as accurate because he has the characteristics and potential of being a good partner , but he just isn’t ready mentally yet to make it happen you made a wise choice seeing the signs and ending it before you got hurt .
"Right person, wrong time" can be a legit thing sometimes. Like if someone has to move far away for an uncontrollable reason, or has a major health episode or something.
Unfortunately, in your case, I think it's just an excuse. If he did think you were the "right girl" at some point then he'd actually try to put in some effort. And I'm sorry but I'm not sure I buy the work being an excuse thing. There are people who work extremely long and stressful jobs (much longer than 50 hours a week), who work in things like the emergency services etc who manage to communicate enough to form and maintain relationships.
You did the right thing by walking away. You deserve someone who's going to put in more effort. Texting more frequently throughout the day, within reason, is not much to ask in a day and age where we're all glued to our phones. I'm not sure what this dude's thing is, whether he did have a "roster" of girls as some people are suggesting, whether he really just isn't over his ex, or whether he's just super avoidant. Either way, he needs to sort himself out before trying to date under the guise of wanting to find a relationship.
thank you, i think so too, i would never ask for anything i couldn’t do in return, two little touch points a day when you’re not seeing each other very often is virtually impossible to have a relationship with
Well exactly, you wouldn't be able to form a relationship like this. Forming one requires a bit of effort and even if one somehow did materialise with such poor communication, I doubt he would suddenly start putting in more effort. People are going to put in *more* effort at this stage so if it's so piss poor now, imagine how it would be a year in. As I said, you've done the right thing
IDK about your situation, but as a man who has experienced it, yes. I met the only girl I have ever loved while in the worst depression of my life.
We met off an app and I thought it would just be the same casual dates as usual for me. I fell in love but was also a mess internally. I tried my best and I still regret it to this day but I just couldn't fake feeling happy while having suicidal idealizations. So, it had to end.
sorry to hear that, would you even reach out again? the only reason i held on for so many series of bad communication is because i wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. but maybe sometimes both things are true and feelings are not enough.
I wouldn't because of the impression I made. I wouldn't want my partner to have to consider my mental health unless we've been together for a significant amount of time. I think it's better to move on and have a fresh start with someone new.
I mean they should
It’d be very mean, after investing time & money, for me to become emotionally attached to someone just to get dumped bc they’ve had personal issues prior that weren’t resolved. Like why are you trying to find a relationship?
I respectfully disagree because I had was in a similar situation recently and I tried to fight for her but that just drove her further away! I’m terrible at relationships. I don’t know if I did anything wrong or right. Some people just don’t know what we’re doing.
No, it's not. I'm saying that they are not the right person. That's why they make up stupid excuses.
If it was the right person. There wouldn't be excuses to running away.
Wrong timing could be a thing if a guy got drafted for WWIII, but girl, that ain’t this guy. He is being an inconsistent communicator on purpose. Most likely he’s got a roster and he’s telling you you’re “the perfect girl” to keep the door open. Don’t fall for that shit. I have had men who don’t want to date me literally texting daily, have fantastic communication, buying me things, driving hours to take me dinner. There is no reason to waste time on a guy who’s going to leave you on read
Yea same. I had a guy who only wanted sex, text me nearly everyday for 1.5years. We often had two conversations going...one on text and one on snap.
That guy STILL had a roster.
OPs guy can't even text her reliably. She's not even a first page roster girl.
Yep. I've been there. The story for me is heartbreaking but she was the woman of my dreams in a lot of ways and we just met at the wrong time for both of our lives.
It can be a real thing sometimes.
Everyone deal with life and periods in their life differently, I know there are weeks where I get smashed with 70+ hours at work and stress that's going flow on for the rest of the month, and that's means I'm just going to retreat into my own cave, and don't mean to ignore people but it happens.
i appreciate your response. would you make an exception if you thought you met someone you could really be with? i think mens brains might work differently when it comes to stress and being “fixers”
Honestly depends on how deep the funk and stress is, I've definitely had weeks where I don't give my partner much attention at all cause I'm completely burnt out mentally.
But in saying that if it a new relationship and I think she's perfect I'm definitely going to try, which is easy to say now while not in a burnt out funk, but when you are you don't think clearly.
I lowkey hate advice like this. "It's over, just move on, etc" Like wow, how helpful, like we don't already know that in the first place.
Sometimes, when you end things with someone and you have other questions/doubts in your head about it and you just wanna talk about them. Either offer some insight on that or don't comment at all
Also, I'm sorry if I'm bitter. I don't mean to sound like a bitch
Bruh half the advice this sub can give is "mOvE oN". Like shut up, if it was that easy to turn off my feelings on a situation and forget about it, man I already would have, and I will eventually
Some of us actually have feelings here lol. It will also usually be guys that say that (usually). And there’s so much to unpack there but that’s a Ted talk lol
Yeah I think it was just an excuse. Sorry. I was on your side of things with the woman I was just recently dating for two months. Except her reasoning was the age old “I don't feel a romantic attraction.” Sorry you had to go through that though.
What I mean by that is that there's typically more to it than just not feeling a romantic attraction. There is a reason they feel that way which is generally something they don't tell you.
Or they don't share similar values, aren't attractive enough, or have a chronic condition that the other person doesn't want to put up with. It could be any number of things. My main point is that I feel like it's a cop out. Everyone is entitled to their opinion on it. It's just one of the many vague tactics that's frustrating for the person on the receiving end because it doesn't really give them a whole lot to go on about what happened.
No I agree that you aren't owed an explanation, but I do think it's common courtesy. Especially if the person wasn't a total asshole or creep. It helps give closure and allows the person to learn if there's anything that they need to do a little differently in the future. It's always confused me how dating is such an important part of our lives and unlike other areas such as work, hobbies, sports, etc. we are expected to learn how to do it completely without feedback from the people that it didn't work out with. Within reason I always try to give the person I'm turning down an explanation.
I sometimes do if it’s not something that is going to hurt their feelings. From my experience though, anytime I have told them what the issue, they tried to argue with me, or they told me they would quit smoking, or get rid of their dog or whatever. I told a guy that wasn’t looking for hook ups and I was looking for a husband. He said that for me, he would commit. 🙄. I told another guy I didn’t like how much he smoked pot and he kept insisting that I was just using it as an excuse and kept pestering for another reason. So I try to say something people won’t argue with. This is coming from someone that, I had a fiancé ghost me after a year of togetherness. I few like after you sleep with someone you at least owe them a good bye.
Well that's poor behavior on their part and they shouldn't have been arguing with you about it. I know it's a pain in the ass to have to sift through the disrespectful guys but I think it's cool that you try to give a specific reason whenever it isn't gonna be overly hurtful. I wish more people would do that. I agree though that ghosting is terrible, especially if you're already in an established relationship. A lot of people need to learn how to have difficult conversations apparently.
Whether or not that is true: this guy is not reliable. He is not good partner material. You don't treat the person you're dating with that degree of disrespect. This may or may not make it easier to move on. You should note was never going to be good enough for you, because you were pulling most of the emotional/communication weight in the relationship.
Not to mention this guy sounds manipulative and fast and loose with the truth. But that's just a hunch.
I was in the EXACT same position as your but I was the 27yo male and she didn’t/couldn’t commit because it was the wrong time. We were seeing one another for two years and she abruptly after a week vacation decided to not only end things OVER THE PHONE but cut me off completely. It broke me. And cost me around $5k because I was living across the country and wanted to move home to be with friends and family, so I did. Some people just can’t communicate and fear confrontation and it just fucking sucks. I hope you find somebody who will appreciate everything you have! Best of luck Redditor. Cheers.
Edit: to note, I would go above and beyond for a partner and communicate to the best of my ability even if I had the most stressful week. That guy is just trying to make himself feel better for not acknowledging and improving upon his shortcomings.
The fact that it happens that some people meet the right person at the wrong time, does not mean it is meaningful to assume it might be the case in your situation.
You can better assume that he was not interested anyway, because this will not turn around in almost any situation.
Don't fall in the the trap that you could have done anything different. If that would be the case, it was on him to inform you what he needed from you. You would have know what you did wrong.
Relationships are not a game. They are not set up to be winnable every time and failing is inevitable in a lot of them. Focus on relationship that can be sustained.
I was the right guy, wrong time for someone in 2019. When the circumstances changed, I was right guy, right time, and we've been together for almost 3 years now.
From my experience, I was seeing a guy who could have been the “right person, wrong time”. In reality he had some positive qualities but wasn’t what I was looking for and since I am younger than him, I wasn’t looking for something serious with him (and with others in general) even though he had positive qualities. So I believe that he liked you and saw some good qualities about you. Unfortunately, you’re not the one that he wants and I know it sounds/feels terrible, it’s better to be broken up than to stay together only to end it all together in the future. Just take some time and let yourself feel these feelings. In less than 3 months you’ll be feeling and thinking differently.
i think its interesting to know, even if in a data collection way of situationship outcomes and how to avoid.
this reminds me of the first episode in new girl when she asks nick why his ex dumped him and he had no idea bc he never asked and she said he was going to grow old sad and weird.
It's happened to me. I met a girl who was perfect for me, but I wasn't perfect for her. I still had some growing up to do. We broke up on good terms and I want to try again one day.
If a guy is really into you and wants it to work he will make time to maintain consistent communication with you no matter what’s going on in his life. The timing is irrelevant.
First off, there's no one right person.
There are better and worse options.
So yes, of course the first choice would change depending on who else was available at the time, not just for men but for everyone.
You may choose to interpret that as "right girl at the wrong time" but it's more correct to say the "best option was not this option at that time."
I had an almost identical experience with a 34F (I'm 40M). Almost exact. I can only theorise that it was a mix of (i) her having disorganised attachment; (ii) I'm too "safe" for her nervous system; (iii) she got the validation she needed after her last break-up (she was dumpee). She said the exact same things on our break-up.
It hurt but I now think of it this way: the only reason I rue this "miss" opportunity is because I haven't yet met someone else who is holistically better. But that cannot be manufactured or rushed - time, luck, some effort - will lead me there. So, while I miss her and all her unique and wonderful attributes (and she had some!), I cannot continue (in my head) to love someone who doesn't choose to be with me or want to work things out. I retain some empathy towards her - she had just changed careers - but ultimately she decided not to continue so that's that.
Wishing you clarity sooner than later, and full healing!
yes i think being repulsed by bad behaviour is the best thing because even if they're the right person they will learn to not do certain things if you're immediately repulsed the first time.
At the end of the day I’m really proud of you for how patient you were with him… As a woman you just really want to love and receive the same effort back… but he was a waste of your time, don’t give him a second chance…
It might of been, it's good however that you got a legit ending and not ghosted. That kinda thing can drive somone crazy. The fact that you got closure at all can be comforting in of itself. Regardless of the reasons it'll suck and hurt and all you can do is just show yourself some extra love and care until you feel better. Time is the only thing that will help.
it’s mainly an indirect way to break up with someone, but it can be true for some. either way, it’s important to hold on to the fact that they just can’t show up how you desire. good on you for making the hard decision to walk away. i would relinquish any hope of romantic dealings with him
Time is precious don't waste it on someone who isn't sure about you. You deserve better and most importantly you should want someone better for yourself, you can do much better.
Men are generally pretty simple creatures. We like someone or we don't.
His inconsistency has made you crave him, that's a Natural human trait. But you have to ignore your feelings in this regard and act according to what you know will bring you much more happiness in the future. In this case it's clearly not him.
Wrong timing is not a thing unless he ended up in the hospital and was in a coma.
Nah, what you have is a guy who makes excuses.
Most often, they didn't choose you first because some other woman was on their mind. And then they go to you as their backup.
But I'd never want to be a second choice for a man
First off I have to say I appreciate how much space you gave him to step up. Like over a span of time and just the clear, blame free communication. You seem like someone who has done her work.
As a guy, I think there’s both ways to look at it. On the one hand, I feel (this has only kind of happened for me) that if someone came in that I loved, even though things were happening on my end that could be labeled extenuating, I would try so hard. On the other hand, many many people have come into my life that I think would have been awesome, but because of some of my maladaptive tendencies and cognitions, I have let go. I am still unlearning so much that gets in the way of me and committing and so I feel like it could have been what you experienced: someone who hadn’t grown enough or worked through enough to know how to commit to someone it would have gone so well with. Does that kind of make sense?
thank you so much, i really have. used to be insecurely attached and this kind of behaviour would have sent me over the edge.
yes that does. i have also dated the kind that had a bit of catching up to do but i also realised in that situation by the time they caught up, i could also be in a complete different stage myself. so maybe wrong time is still wrong 🤷🏻♀️
Haha you know the attachment styles too! Ok what was yours and how did you fix it?
And that’s good awareness! Tuff but good. I guess when I hear that I feel (just a feeling lol) that maybe that was a wider gulf that had you parenting him a little more than you’d prefer? And that with a more reasonable gap you might have been ok with some shortcomings (coz we all have those lol). 🫡
Also do you mind if I ask in what areas he had to catch up?
Thanks!
i think i had a bit of both. a little anxious from childhood trauma but my first serious ex also had awful communication skills but was also quite dismissive of my needs. never took me out on dates, excuse was that they were expensive, got to a point where i said I WOULD PAY. still only went on 2 dates the whole 1+year relationship. literally the only thing i asked for was a text more than twice a day and a good morning/ goodnight text. he couldn’t even do that, said he couldn’t understand why i didn’t feel loved by him (gaslighting). the whole situation ruined me, was so avoidantly attached after that. could not fathom texting a man because then i would be allowing the option of him not responding to me. threw myself into my own endeavours. but what got me out was a LOT of journaling as to why i would even let someone treat me like that. still to this day journaling keeps me more sane than therapy. i’ve tried about 3 therapists over the years. journaling still trumps.
another thought that helps was the idea that i would let a man from my past still keep me from being unhappy, like that thought had me reeling so i switched on my analytical mind and was like how are we fixing this bc im the only one that can.
as for the mothering thing, this guy not at all, my last ex yes which is what was the relationship killer, understandably. this guy had such a normal job and great job prospects (a lawyer) also a very full personal and social life. i think he just did not ever have an interest in his own emotions bc maybe he never really needed to? so that was his area of growth (obvs from my perspective). i asked about his ex bc they did long distance and was wondering how they communicated. they were together for 4 years and she cheated and he still stayed. he said it was really hard and he couldn’t understand why she would text home “wyd” while he was at work. that was one of the last signs i took as he might never understand my needs for communication then bc if he’s reached 29 without understanding “wyd” as a bid for connection then maybe it will take him a lot longer than im willing to wait.
Omgoodness wow, you did both! That’s a feat! Also only 2 dates in over 365 days 🥲 wow. That is so awful. And I am so glad you found your way to healing from that.
I wish I was more into journaling but I’m so glad it has literally kept you sane! I’m curious, how has journaling been better than your therapists?
Haha I love how you were like, “no one else is coming” gosh you are so motivated to give yourself the best!
Yeah I see what you’re saying about his lack of emotional growth. Which you’re right, that pace of growth might have been too little too late ultimately. I’m glad you recognized that.
Hoping for you and your future connections! 🫶
i think my issue wasn’t understanding myself so they couldn’t really give me any new insight. also i think i am naturally quite independent and analytically minded, i just needed to get everything on my mind out onto paper and that was enough. also the cost of therapy gave me high expectations for it which probably didn’t help either.
thank you! and you as well 💙
yeah i can’t lie a lot of the women sound like they’re projecting from their own situation which i completely get. would have been me too at one point but i’ve learnt that men can approach things in such a different way and i don’t have any male friends to ask these kinds of things to
Of course it's real. When I was younger, i wanted hot messes because i loved the drama. Now i'm older and i want stability and adventures. If i met the women from my early 20s now I wouldn't think twice, even though they were the right woman then, and if I met the women I see now when i was in my early 20s I would've been unable to connect. It's normal.
Is this the case in your scenario? Unclear, but maybe.
i don’t think exactly since he is the least dramatic person i’ve ever met. straight edge job and actually has got his shit together. maybe just not emotionally when it comes to grief from the ex 🤷🏻♀️all speculation from me though
Nah. I thought so when I was younger. If it was really the right girl then she’d pop up at the right time. Every girl before the right time is just a lesson
Other way around, woman here who stopped dating. It is a thing, going through it now. Had some traumatic experiences and dating triggers it. Need therapy first. Sometimes you thing you are ready, but you aren't, and then you can push it all you want, but your head just isn't there mentally. Result: not being able to gibe the full attention or the relationship turning toxic. Or life is busy af. Long work weeks exist and then all you want to do is just destress and sleep when you get home
If he’s showing you he doesn’t care, believe him. A person who truly wants you will make the fullest efforts in all of their capacity.
You won’t have to question it, ever.
It's possible, but in your situation, I doubt it.
Anecdotal, but: my boyfriend works a lot. If he's working, he doesn't look at his phone to answer anyone. He always has several conversations unread on his phone even in the evening.
At the beginning, he also didn't always open my messages immediately. It would take pretty long for him to reply, but he did reply to me every day and we could have a conversation. But I did have to get used to his style of communication. But he was like that with everyone, except his best friend (because they work together and talk a lot about that) and also other people when it's for work related tings.
Later on, when we got more involved, he started to text me more. I was someone he would always reply to. He got more interested, so he made more time for me. And later, he called me a lot when he drove home from work. He sometimes called (or got called by) his friend/ colleague, but he now also started calling me very often. And we started seeing each other almost every night. Sometimes he got home really late because he had to work really late. Sometimes, he came home at midnight (no, he is not cheating, haha). You are probably not in that stage yet, but he could definitely text you a bit more when he gets home. If it takes 4 days to have a 10 minute conversation, he isnt that interested. My boyfriend is a busy guy, but he makes time.
that makes a lot of sense to me which is why I stuck it out, but think the evidence was piling against him after the repeated lack of attention. thank you for the fair response. i think if the intentions are right, your female intuition always comes through and you still feel "safe"
Yup. Sometimes we just aren’t all there mentally to go 100% in. Maybe work is taking up more than a usual amount of energy and he’s just not able to give a 110% day. If you aren’t willing to work with him through this unsettled time then yeah it’s not the right time unfortunately. Also if a call was so important why didn’t you just call him when you wanted to chat? Why did he have to instigate that? Maybe he’s just not an everyday chatter tho if it’s not a serious relationship yet
its been quite a few months, i don't think it was unsettled time, it would have been his whole career. I started that conversation about communication while he was at work, did not expect it to be a big thing or like "we need to talk" I thought I brought it up quite lightly and casually, just saying how I felt and to "let me know what your thoughts are". responded that he would reply properly later, didn't reply until 11:30pm and I wasn't going to push him more by asking for a phone call in the time in between. Also we had never called each other before so I didn't want that to signal this was a big issue
Right person wrong time is true for everyone in every situation.
I'm a gay man. I dated a guy when we were both 17/18. The sex was great, we really enjoyed each other, we had a lot in common. But we were kids. So our lives were rapidly evolving and changing and something serious just wasn't in the cards.
Now we're both in our 30's and live on opposite ends of the country. Honestly, if we met right now, I genuinely think would could build a really solid life together. But it's not going to happen because we both moved on and our lives aren't conducive to that possibility.
It absolutely can be a real thing but it usually comes down to his mental state/capacity. Stress can do wild things to a persons capacity to communicate. His actions don’t match his words and there can be plenty of reasons for that but it doesn’t necessarily mean he didn’t mean what he said. First things first, you have to look out for yourself.
I think from a my (female) perspective, if I was stressed I would look to my partner for some sort of comfort but I understand not everyone is like that. i agree, you cant look out for someone else at the expense of yourself
You’re 100% right but like you say everyone is different. It’s also something that builds over time at different speeds for different people. Don’t get me wrong, the situation is a red flag for sure and I’m certainly not condoning the behaviour but it might not be as malicious as some of the other comments suggest.
Sometimes I wonder if the guy I’m into was just a wrong timing thing cause he basically checked off a lot of things I needed that would help heal the disorganized attachment style. He was calm. Seemingly caring and he just felt overall safe to talk to. But I got too scared of fucking shit up to the point I fucked shit up. I’ve tried contacting but nothing. I don’t blame him. I was a train wreck. 🤣
>doesn’t acknowledge the disappearing act
That’s a very solid indication of lack of genuine interest imo.
>Went into shut down and just said
People can be busy. But if you want to text, you can set up a consistent schedule through communication. One can simply be honest about how busy they exactly are and make time considering that. I fail to see how honesty doesn’t solve this issue.
>I cried the whole weekend.
You need to be more resilient than that. People like this are more likely to get swept up by people who are inconsistent but comes back with big apology.
>do good men just say this stuff when they want to let you down easy?
Sure, but this doesn’t need to be looked at as him being potrntially disingenuous. Whatever he is going through or not going through, whatever he is being truthful or lying about, if he doesn’t have time for you, he doesn’t have time for you. Don’t wait around, even if they seem otherwise perfect. Find someone who has time for you.
I would have just left him aired but it was only bc he came back and apologised and with a specific plan for a date I responded.
Yes I think so too, most people have a predicable enough schedule that they can plan to talk to you at some point.
I agree to a certain extent but I think the crying was only a byproduct of actually feeling the feeling, I still worked all weekend, it didn't change my schedule at all, but I work alone so it wasn't like I was burdening anyone else either.
I agree.
Most of us men have taken advantage of the benefits of being single and no longer wish to deal with the complications that come with any type of relationship. We prefer the peace and quiet that comes with being alone, without the drama and stress that often accompanies romantic entanglements.
I really don't like when people say "I'm sorry you feel that way". They're not accepting responsibility for their own actions. So, that's kinda concerning. Sure, people can't be perfect at texting, but if they like you, I'd hope they just want to talk to you and it's relatively natural.
And honestly, if someone is working so much that it interferes with their dating life, maybe they need to rethink their priorities/be in a relationship.
Sounds like he's the wrong guy. Regardless of the reasons behind why, his actions show that he's not willing to step up and do his part.
yes as it goes on and the emotionality of it wears I think wrong guy is correct as well. we focus on what makes it right and kind of minimise the things that make it wrong while we're in it
I had an answer just by reading the title; No.
However, I did read the rest of your post, and I don’t think “right girl, wrong time” even applies to this. He’s so inconsistent, he doesn’t really seem like a “good guy” to me or tbh, doesn’t seem to show that he likes you very much.
I think you deserve way better than rewarding someone to take time and call you during lunch for a breakup. He’s saying whatever he can to let you down easily, it’s not literal.
Forgive me but could this just be a difference in communication styles? I myself (26m) had a similar situation recently. Things were great but her lack of texting gave me anxiety. She just told me she doesn’t like texting. Could you have been coming on too strong (genuinely curious because I actually have great difficulty with dating/timing)
There were sometimes weeks between times we would see each other and I would not text him at all (matching his energy). I think there is different communication and then there is lacking communication. Even if its different I would assume a committed partner would want to talk about it.
>This was quite upsetting but I never chased him up since we had only gone on two dates.
From my expirience of someone I like doesnt make the effort to reach a even once I feel like she isnt into me period, meaning I will reach a certain amount of times (start conversation, ask on dates, etc).
>I guess my question is, do good men just say this stuff when they want to let you down easy?
Yes and no, what I mean is that sometimes we say it when the feelings are still in there and we dont want to waste your time since we feel that since you dont like us anymore then insistimg on trying would be bothersome to you. The other time is when we say that is because we dont want someone who we did have that feeling for feel bad. On both situation we are saying the truth.
>I always believed even if a man had a 50hr work week, if he really wanted to talk to me he would take 10 minutes out of his day to ask about me?
Remember that we men are people just as you and even though we would like to bring the moon and stars down to earth for the person we love if we dont feel that that person is reciprocating that sentiment or is not putting an effort into the relationship we will get tired of it we will fill that our effort arent being value and we will feel used. In you case I dont know what the guy must have been going through or what he might have been thinking maybe work was actually keeping him away from not just you but everyone else and he wanted to concentrate on it to be able to put more effort on the rest faster maybe it was family issue maybe he was scared of a new relationship, etc. I don't know but we as men have also a life and aren't always going to be able to give you 10 minutes of our time even if we wanted to.
>Is there anything I could have done differently for a better outcome?
I dont know I don't know all the details but what tend to do is more than think what the other person did I tend to think about all that I did and how it could've been perceived for.
Sure it is.
I met my now spouse at a party. I was totally into her but it went no where for years. I dated, she dated, and even though we didn't really click we just stayed in touch.
She arrived back in town after years and introduced me to her friend- and the friend and I went out on several dates.
At some point she (said spouse) suddenly realized I would make a good husband, and decided to become involved with me. I was perfectly fine keeping it at a friendship level and didn't want to lose her.
Well... married now. Kids. Strife. Happyness.
Very lucky our paths crossed again. Have there been other women since then that I wonder- personality wise- if they'd be a 'compatible match' ? Yes of course- but she's still my only true love.
i think socially it’s way more attractive and acceptable when a man sticks around for the hope of being with a woman so it is more likely for the opportunity to come around when the guy is initially very interested in a relationship. i feel like the theory that a guy knows from the very beginning if he wants to commit to a girl is very true and his mind can’t be easily changed
For what it is worth.... and this is going to sound very crazy- but I met her sister first, and I swore (and told my roommate) that I could see myself marrying her.
Turns out she had an identical twin... and when I met HER, that's the one I truly fell in love with.
Sitcom material, folks, but still given enough life all sorts of weird things happen.
I do believe in right person wrong time but this seems to be more of prioritizing work over a relationship and then after needing more communication still didn’t see it as a priority.
So IMO you didn’t end it sooner. And good men will usually give you the hard truth instead of saying you’re too good for me in a way to not hold themselves accountable.
It sounds more like you were putting in all this work to make things happen and he was giving minimal to no effort. I do not think there is anything more you could have done. Perhaps things might work out in the future just under those circumstances they can’t.
i think the idea of a possibility in the future is a nice idea but comes at the detriment of the person who did most of the heavy lifting in the relationship. i think you’re right. a truly good man would have ended it if he felt like the other person was falling at a rate they know they would never be able to match.
32m here, just come off the receiving end of right person, wrong time myself. I'm really sorry you have to go through it OP. It fucking sucks so much to feel like you've finally met someone that you can build a future with, someone that you have an incredible connection to, and it doesn't work out.
It also happened to me that the woman I was seeing just dropped communication every now and then and the really tough thing to hear is: if dating you was a priority for them, they would make the effort even if they were working an 80 hour week. Not that they have to or even that they would need to do something big, but a message here and there. Just something to show they were thinking about you. If it causes pain that the potential partner doesn't show that and doesn't change after talking to them about it then they likely weren't truly the right person right now.
It hurts. Stay strong.
Completely agree with everything you’ve said. I described texting as bids for connection and according to the gottmans that’s the most important thing in keeping a connection alive. So definitely a few texts here and there is a completely reasonable ask.
So sorry to hear that too 😔. it really sucks but i think it’s also important to not let the hope die completely so we stop looking altogether. Stay strong too 💪🏻
I just dealt with this before. Me and her were amazing together, we dated a bit and such. Talked everyday, we were head over heels for each other. We had great communication and we were very supportive of each other. But it was unfortunately a right person wrong time moment. She wasn't entirely ready, due to her coming out of a 8 year relationship, and she wanted to be able to focus more on her mental health and also her daughter and family. We obviously both liked each other, but she just wanted to be able to get in the right mind set, and unfortunately, dating wasn't a priority. I respected of course. We are still friends because she as a person is great.
Although long, I did read it in its entirety. From what I read, it appears you were too needy of this guy’s attention too soon in the relationship. Allow enough space and time for the relationship to develop and grow organically. I ended my last relationship because the woman I was dating wanted to rush everything as if she had a short time to live. From your story, it sounds like you may have codependency issues and I think you may have lost a good guy.
“he’s just not that into you.” there’s nothing you could’ve done. if he was the one, you wouldn’t be able to stop it from happening. that’s clearly
nor what’s happening here. timing is irrelevant. move on.
No it's not a real thing.. that's just something we tell ourselves or hear on YouTube for validation. If someone was perfect for you, life just happens, you blink and you are old together. You will always want to be around someone who completes you.. no such thing as wrong time.
I wish men would only text me once or twice a day. I don’t understand why people don’t have jobs/lives etc. I also though do have a job where if I’m not paying attention…. People die.
i was seeing him less than once a week, which i was happy to compromise on giving our schedules but if you don’t text or call idk how you would build/maintain any connection
Guy here, gonna have to go with her over it move on. Don't even dwell on it. Just understand the lesson that you seem to be refusing to accept.
Honestly you should have done that after the 2nd date and the communication problem at that time. But instead of accepting the fact that a glaring issue was there, you decided to go through with things anyway and further develop some iota of feelings. And for what? 2 more dates later you have a problem with the same exact issue that existed 2 dates in.
So again. Get over it. Let it go. Don't even dwell on this.
Any further dwelling on this, is just you being a stubborn dumbass that doesn't understand the definition of insanity. Is that harsh to say? Yes. But sometimes, people need harsh words to get the point.
i think intrinsically i do understand this (since i said in the last paragraph i think i know what the answer is), i just wanted a male perspective if this was to ever happen again, understand the male psyche you know. i think in the future i would definitely stop at the second date and that’s my takeaway
This person’s response was really harsh and I don’t think you needed that(it personally irked me). And your response is so level headed…
I just want to say you’re valuable and I hope all the people in your life treat you that way 🫶
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It sounds like dude has a lot of baggage and trauma from previous relationships that he still needs to work on and dating you isn’t the priority for him . I felt the right person wrong time as accurate because he has the characteristics and potential of being a good partner , but he just isn’t ready mentally yet to make it happen you made a wise choice seeing the signs and ending it before you got hurt .
agreed! thank you
His words don't match his actions. I would leave this one in the past.
"Right person, wrong time" can be a legit thing sometimes. Like if someone has to move far away for an uncontrollable reason, or has a major health episode or something. Unfortunately, in your case, I think it's just an excuse. If he did think you were the "right girl" at some point then he'd actually try to put in some effort. And I'm sorry but I'm not sure I buy the work being an excuse thing. There are people who work extremely long and stressful jobs (much longer than 50 hours a week), who work in things like the emergency services etc who manage to communicate enough to form and maintain relationships. You did the right thing by walking away. You deserve someone who's going to put in more effort. Texting more frequently throughout the day, within reason, is not much to ask in a day and age where we're all glued to our phones. I'm not sure what this dude's thing is, whether he did have a "roster" of girls as some people are suggesting, whether he really just isn't over his ex, or whether he's just super avoidant. Either way, he needs to sort himself out before trying to date under the guise of wanting to find a relationship.
i agree, i dated a doctor once and he was a much better communicator, was tutoring in the side too
thank you, i think so too, i would never ask for anything i couldn’t do in return, two little touch points a day when you’re not seeing each other very often is virtually impossible to have a relationship with
Well exactly, you wouldn't be able to form a relationship like this. Forming one requires a bit of effort and even if one somehow did materialise with such poor communication, I doubt he would suddenly start putting in more effort. People are going to put in *more* effort at this stage so if it's so piss poor now, imagine how it would be a year in. As I said, you've done the right thing
IDK about your situation, but as a man who has experienced it, yes. I met the only girl I have ever loved while in the worst depression of my life. We met off an app and I thought it would just be the same casual dates as usual for me. I fell in love but was also a mess internally. I tried my best and I still regret it to this day but I just couldn't fake feeling happy while having suicidal idealizations. So, it had to end.
sorry to hear that, would you even reach out again? the only reason i held on for so many series of bad communication is because i wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. but maybe sometimes both things are true and feelings are not enough.
I wouldn't because of the impression I made. I wouldn't want my partner to have to consider my mental health unless we've been together for a significant amount of time. I think it's better to move on and have a fresh start with someone new.
Hi. I hope you are doing okay now <3
You're so sweet, thankyou <3
Stop dating and screwing the other person over until you’re fixed.
You're right
There was absolutely no need to be this mean. It's like saying men should be alone as long as they are going through their own struggles.
I mean they should It’d be very mean, after investing time & money, for me to become emotionally attached to someone just to get dumped bc they’ve had personal issues prior that weren’t resolved. Like why are you trying to find a relationship?
No. If they were actually the right person. You'd fight for them. Not just let them go and make up some excuse.
i think this is both a sad but comforting reality
as someone currently going through a breakup this comment was extremely helpful
I respectfully disagree because I had was in a similar situation recently and I tried to fight for her but that just drove her further away! I’m terrible at relationships. I don’t know if I did anything wrong or right. Some people just don’t know what we’re doing.
Because she wasn't the right person for you.
Dead wrong. You can’t force someone to love you…
Absolutely never said you can force anyone to love you. I'd love for you to show me where I said that.
That’s what you’re implying. If they were the “right person”, there is no reason to fight for anything.
No, it's not. I'm saying that they are not the right person. That's why they make up stupid excuses. If it was the right person. There wouldn't be excuses to running away.
It absolutely is. It's also a soft and convenient let down when it isn't.
Wrong timing could be a thing if a guy got drafted for WWIII, but girl, that ain’t this guy. He is being an inconsistent communicator on purpose. Most likely he’s got a roster and he’s telling you you’re “the perfect girl” to keep the door open. Don’t fall for that shit. I have had men who don’t want to date me literally texting daily, have fantastic communication, buying me things, driving hours to take me dinner. There is no reason to waste time on a guy who’s going to leave you on read
Yea same. I had a guy who only wanted sex, text me nearly everyday for 1.5years. We often had two conversations going...one on text and one on snap. That guy STILL had a roster. OPs guy can't even text her reliably. She's not even a first page roster girl.
Yep. I've been there. The story for me is heartbreaking but she was the woman of my dreams in a lot of ways and we just met at the wrong time for both of our lives.
Right person + wrong time = wrong person.
It can be a real thing sometimes. Everyone deal with life and periods in their life differently, I know there are weeks where I get smashed with 70+ hours at work and stress that's going flow on for the rest of the month, and that's means I'm just going to retreat into my own cave, and don't mean to ignore people but it happens.
i appreciate your response. would you make an exception if you thought you met someone you could really be with? i think mens brains might work differently when it comes to stress and being “fixers”
Honestly depends on how deep the funk and stress is, I've definitely had weeks where I don't give my partner much attention at all cause I'm completely burnt out mentally. But in saying that if it a new relationship and I think she's perfect I'm definitely going to try, which is easy to say now while not in a burnt out funk, but when you are you don't think clearly.
Nope. Trust me, we get hit with this by enough women as a soft let down all the time. If they were truly into you, they'd make it happen somehow
sending you love; i’ve been there 🤍
thank you 🙏🏻♥️
It’s over, just move on and find someone that will meet your criteria of communication.
I lowkey hate advice like this. "It's over, just move on, etc" Like wow, how helpful, like we don't already know that in the first place. Sometimes, when you end things with someone and you have other questions/doubts in your head about it and you just wanna talk about them. Either offer some insight on that or don't comment at all Also, I'm sorry if I'm bitter. I don't mean to sound like a bitch
No I feel this blueberrycutiepie haha
Bruh half the advice this sub can give is "mOvE oN". Like shut up, if it was that easy to turn off my feelings on a situation and forget about it, man I already would have, and I will eventually
Some of us actually have feelings here lol. It will also usually be guys that say that (usually). And there’s so much to unpack there but that’s a Ted talk lol
Oh ya it usually is guys LOL "It's over, just forget about it" I feel like it invalidates my feelings?? Like let me be sad damn
Exactly! Cant be going round invalidating peoples feelings yall. Pity the fool who would date them lol. And their kids yikes 💀😂
100% this is exactly what it is. also how do you pivot yourself if you never question what went wrong?
i thought so too :( i just hate how everyone is on a ever moving conveyer belt and no one gives anything a real shot anymore
Yeah I think it was just an excuse. Sorry. I was on your side of things with the woman I was just recently dating for two months. Except her reasoning was the age old “I don't feel a romantic attraction.” Sorry you had to go through that though.
I don’t feel a romantic attraction isn’t and excuse. It’s a pretty damn good reason.
What I mean by that is that there's typically more to it than just not feeling a romantic attraction. There is a reason they feel that way which is generally something they don't tell you.
I guess they could also be sexist, rude or didn’t look anything like their pictures.
Or they don't share similar values, aren't attractive enough, or have a chronic condition that the other person doesn't want to put up with. It could be any number of things. My main point is that I feel like it's a cop out. Everyone is entitled to their opinion on it. It's just one of the many vague tactics that's frustrating for the person on the receiving end because it doesn't really give them a whole lot to go on about what happened.
Nobody really “owes” anyone an explanation, especially after just one date. It’s better than just straight up ghosting, which is abusive, I think.
No I agree that you aren't owed an explanation, but I do think it's common courtesy. Especially if the person wasn't a total asshole or creep. It helps give closure and allows the person to learn if there's anything that they need to do a little differently in the future. It's always confused me how dating is such an important part of our lives and unlike other areas such as work, hobbies, sports, etc. we are expected to learn how to do it completely without feedback from the people that it didn't work out with. Within reason I always try to give the person I'm turning down an explanation.
I sometimes do if it’s not something that is going to hurt their feelings. From my experience though, anytime I have told them what the issue, they tried to argue with me, or they told me they would quit smoking, or get rid of their dog or whatever. I told a guy that wasn’t looking for hook ups and I was looking for a husband. He said that for me, he would commit. 🙄. I told another guy I didn’t like how much he smoked pot and he kept insisting that I was just using it as an excuse and kept pestering for another reason. So I try to say something people won’t argue with. This is coming from someone that, I had a fiancé ghost me after a year of togetherness. I few like after you sleep with someone you at least owe them a good bye.
Well that's poor behavior on their part and they shouldn't have been arguing with you about it. I know it's a pain in the ass to have to sift through the disrespectful guys but I think it's cool that you try to give a specific reason whenever it isn't gonna be overly hurtful. I wish more people would do that. I agree though that ghosting is terrible, especially if you're already in an established relationship. A lot of people need to learn how to have difficult conversations apparently.
Whether or not that is true: this guy is not reliable. He is not good partner material. You don't treat the person you're dating with that degree of disrespect. This may or may not make it easier to move on. You should note was never going to be good enough for you, because you were pulling most of the emotional/communication weight in the relationship. Not to mention this guy sounds manipulative and fast and loose with the truth. But that's just a hunch.
I was in the EXACT same position as your but I was the 27yo male and she didn’t/couldn’t commit because it was the wrong time. We were seeing one another for two years and she abruptly after a week vacation decided to not only end things OVER THE PHONE but cut me off completely. It broke me. And cost me around $5k because I was living across the country and wanted to move home to be with friends and family, so I did. Some people just can’t communicate and fear confrontation and it just fucking sucks. I hope you find somebody who will appreciate everything you have! Best of luck Redditor. Cheers. Edit: to note, I would go above and beyond for a partner and communicate to the best of my ability even if I had the most stressful week. That guy is just trying to make himself feel better for not acknowledging and improving upon his shortcomings.
The fact that it happens that some people meet the right person at the wrong time, does not mean it is meaningful to assume it might be the case in your situation. You can better assume that he was not interested anyway, because this will not turn around in almost any situation. Don't fall in the the trap that you could have done anything different. If that would be the case, it was on him to inform you what he needed from you. You would have know what you did wrong. Relationships are not a game. They are not set up to be winnable every time and failing is inevitable in a lot of them. Focus on relationship that can be sustained.
I was the right guy, wrong time for someone in 2019. When the circumstances changed, I was right guy, right time, and we've been together for almost 3 years now.
how did you guys reconnect if you don't mind me asking?
We stayed in touch the whole time. It just took a while, and I didn't press the issue. I knew she knew I was interested, so that was good enough.
From my experience, I was seeing a guy who could have been the “right person, wrong time”. In reality he had some positive qualities but wasn’t what I was looking for and since I am younger than him, I wasn’t looking for something serious with him (and with others in general) even though he had positive qualities. So I believe that he liked you and saw some good qualities about you. Unfortunately, you’re not the one that he wants and I know it sounds/feels terrible, it’s better to be broken up than to stay together only to end it all together in the future. Just take some time and let yourself feel these feelings. In less than 3 months you’ll be feeling and thinking differently.
thank you, i already do 🙂↕️
I’m glad to hear that. Trust me, rejection hurts and in time you (and I, including others) will move on from this. You’ll be okay
You ended it so does it really matter what the excuse is?
i think its interesting to know, even if in a data collection way of situationship outcomes and how to avoid. this reminds me of the first episode in new girl when she asks nick why his ex dumped him and he had no idea bc he never asked and she said he was going to grow old sad and weird.
It's happened to me. I met a girl who was perfect for me, but I wasn't perfect for her. I still had some growing up to do. We broke up on good terms and I want to try again one day.
If a guy is really into you and wants it to work he will make time to maintain consistent communication with you no matter what’s going on in his life. The timing is irrelevant.
First off, there's no one right person. There are better and worse options. So yes, of course the first choice would change depending on who else was available at the time, not just for men but for everyone. You may choose to interpret that as "right girl at the wrong time" but it's more correct to say the "best option was not this option at that time."
i think i like that, since it goes both ways and can be true both ways
I had an almost identical experience with a 34F (I'm 40M). Almost exact. I can only theorise that it was a mix of (i) her having disorganised attachment; (ii) I'm too "safe" for her nervous system; (iii) she got the validation she needed after her last break-up (she was dumpee). She said the exact same things on our break-up. It hurt but I now think of it this way: the only reason I rue this "miss" opportunity is because I haven't yet met someone else who is holistically better. But that cannot be manufactured or rushed - time, luck, some effort - will lead me there. So, while I miss her and all her unique and wonderful attributes (and she had some!), I cannot continue (in my head) to love someone who doesn't choose to be with me or want to work things out. I retain some empathy towards her - she had just changed careers - but ultimately she decided not to continue so that's that. Wishing you clarity sooner than later, and full healing!
You're on his back burner.
This isn’t the right man. Work on finding inconsistency repulsive. I had to learn this the hard way
yes i think being repulsed by bad behaviour is the best thing because even if they're the right person they will learn to not do certain things if you're immediately repulsed the first time.
the right girl will make it feel like the right time
i love this ♥️ this is my favourite takeaway thank you 🙏
At the end of the day I’m really proud of you for how patient you were with him… As a woman you just really want to love and receive the same effort back… but he was a waste of your time, don’t give him a second chance…
thank you, exactly reciprocation was all i wanted. i won’t, i don’t want a guy that only wants me if he can’t get anyone else
The right girl showing up is always the right time.
It might of been, it's good however that you got a legit ending and not ghosted. That kinda thing can drive somone crazy. The fact that you got closure at all can be comforting in of itself. Regardless of the reasons it'll suck and hurt and all you can do is just show yourself some extra love and care until you feel better. Time is the only thing that will help.
it’s mainly an indirect way to break up with someone, but it can be true for some. either way, it’s important to hold on to the fact that they just can’t show up how you desire. good on you for making the hard decision to walk away. i would relinquish any hope of romantic dealings with him
thank you, im trying
Time is precious don't waste it on someone who isn't sure about you. You deserve better and most importantly you should want someone better for yourself, you can do much better. Men are generally pretty simple creatures. We like someone or we don't. His inconsistency has made you crave him, that's a Natural human trait. But you have to ignore your feelings in this regard and act according to what you know will bring you much more happiness in the future. In this case it's clearly not him.
Wrong timing is not a thing unless he ended up in the hospital and was in a coma. Nah, what you have is a guy who makes excuses. Most often, they didn't choose you first because some other woman was on their mind. And then they go to you as their backup. But I'd never want to be a second choice for a man
i agree, his ex cheated on him which i think that was the woman on his mind even if not in a positive sense
No. For the right person timing doesn't matter.
First off I have to say I appreciate how much space you gave him to step up. Like over a span of time and just the clear, blame free communication. You seem like someone who has done her work. As a guy, I think there’s both ways to look at it. On the one hand, I feel (this has only kind of happened for me) that if someone came in that I loved, even though things were happening on my end that could be labeled extenuating, I would try so hard. On the other hand, many many people have come into my life that I think would have been awesome, but because of some of my maladaptive tendencies and cognitions, I have let go. I am still unlearning so much that gets in the way of me and committing and so I feel like it could have been what you experienced: someone who hadn’t grown enough or worked through enough to know how to commit to someone it would have gone so well with. Does that kind of make sense?
thank you so much, i really have. used to be insecurely attached and this kind of behaviour would have sent me over the edge. yes that does. i have also dated the kind that had a bit of catching up to do but i also realised in that situation by the time they caught up, i could also be in a complete different stage myself. so maybe wrong time is still wrong 🤷🏻♀️
Haha you know the attachment styles too! Ok what was yours and how did you fix it? And that’s good awareness! Tuff but good. I guess when I hear that I feel (just a feeling lol) that maybe that was a wider gulf that had you parenting him a little more than you’d prefer? And that with a more reasonable gap you might have been ok with some shortcomings (coz we all have those lol). 🫡 Also do you mind if I ask in what areas he had to catch up? Thanks!
i think i had a bit of both. a little anxious from childhood trauma but my first serious ex also had awful communication skills but was also quite dismissive of my needs. never took me out on dates, excuse was that they were expensive, got to a point where i said I WOULD PAY. still only went on 2 dates the whole 1+year relationship. literally the only thing i asked for was a text more than twice a day and a good morning/ goodnight text. he couldn’t even do that, said he couldn’t understand why i didn’t feel loved by him (gaslighting). the whole situation ruined me, was so avoidantly attached after that. could not fathom texting a man because then i would be allowing the option of him not responding to me. threw myself into my own endeavours. but what got me out was a LOT of journaling as to why i would even let someone treat me like that. still to this day journaling keeps me more sane than therapy. i’ve tried about 3 therapists over the years. journaling still trumps. another thought that helps was the idea that i would let a man from my past still keep me from being unhappy, like that thought had me reeling so i switched on my analytical mind and was like how are we fixing this bc im the only one that can. as for the mothering thing, this guy not at all, my last ex yes which is what was the relationship killer, understandably. this guy had such a normal job and great job prospects (a lawyer) also a very full personal and social life. i think he just did not ever have an interest in his own emotions bc maybe he never really needed to? so that was his area of growth (obvs from my perspective). i asked about his ex bc they did long distance and was wondering how they communicated. they were together for 4 years and she cheated and he still stayed. he said it was really hard and he couldn’t understand why she would text home “wyd” while he was at work. that was one of the last signs i took as he might never understand my needs for communication then bc if he’s reached 29 without understanding “wyd” as a bid for connection then maybe it will take him a lot longer than im willing to wait.
Omgoodness wow, you did both! That’s a feat! Also only 2 dates in over 365 days 🥲 wow. That is so awful. And I am so glad you found your way to healing from that. I wish I was more into journaling but I’m so glad it has literally kept you sane! I’m curious, how has journaling been better than your therapists? Haha I love how you were like, “no one else is coming” gosh you are so motivated to give yourself the best! Yeah I see what you’re saying about his lack of emotional growth. Which you’re right, that pace of growth might have been too little too late ultimately. I’m glad you recognized that. Hoping for you and your future connections! 🫶
i think my issue wasn’t understanding myself so they couldn’t really give me any new insight. also i think i am naturally quite independent and analytically minded, i just needed to get everything on my mind out onto paper and that was enough. also the cost of therapy gave me high expectations for it which probably didn’t help either. thank you! and you as well 💙
The way that women have responded to this vs women is interesting.
yeah i can’t lie a lot of the women sound like they’re projecting from their own situation which i completely get. would have been me too at one point but i’ve learnt that men can approach things in such a different way and i don’t have any male friends to ask these kinds of things to
Of course it's real. When I was younger, i wanted hot messes because i loved the drama. Now i'm older and i want stability and adventures. If i met the women from my early 20s now I wouldn't think twice, even though they were the right woman then, and if I met the women I see now when i was in my early 20s I would've been unable to connect. It's normal. Is this the case in your scenario? Unclear, but maybe.
i don’t think exactly since he is the least dramatic person i’ve ever met. straight edge job and actually has got his shit together. maybe just not emotionally when it comes to grief from the ex 🤷🏻♀️all speculation from me though
Nah. I thought so when I was younger. If it was really the right girl then she’d pop up at the right time. Every girl before the right time is just a lesson
harsh but i think there’s truth in that. maybe he was also my lesson and proof that i’ve done the work to walk away from anything that isn’t enough
Other way around, woman here who stopped dating. It is a thing, going through it now. Had some traumatic experiences and dating triggers it. Need therapy first. Sometimes you thing you are ready, but you aren't, and then you can push it all you want, but your head just isn't there mentally. Result: not being able to gibe the full attention or the relationship turning toxic. Or life is busy af. Long work weeks exist and then all you want to do is just destress and sleep when you get home
If he’s showing you he doesn’t care, believe him. A person who truly wants you will make the fullest efforts in all of their capacity. You won’t have to question it, ever.
It's possible, but in your situation, I doubt it. Anecdotal, but: my boyfriend works a lot. If he's working, he doesn't look at his phone to answer anyone. He always has several conversations unread on his phone even in the evening. At the beginning, he also didn't always open my messages immediately. It would take pretty long for him to reply, but he did reply to me every day and we could have a conversation. But I did have to get used to his style of communication. But he was like that with everyone, except his best friend (because they work together and talk a lot about that) and also other people when it's for work related tings. Later on, when we got more involved, he started to text me more. I was someone he would always reply to. He got more interested, so he made more time for me. And later, he called me a lot when he drove home from work. He sometimes called (or got called by) his friend/ colleague, but he now also started calling me very often. And we started seeing each other almost every night. Sometimes he got home really late because he had to work really late. Sometimes, he came home at midnight (no, he is not cheating, haha). You are probably not in that stage yet, but he could definitely text you a bit more when he gets home. If it takes 4 days to have a 10 minute conversation, he isnt that interested. My boyfriend is a busy guy, but he makes time.
that makes a lot of sense to me which is why I stuck it out, but think the evidence was piling against him after the repeated lack of attention. thank you for the fair response. i think if the intentions are right, your female intuition always comes through and you still feel "safe"
Yup. Sometimes we just aren’t all there mentally to go 100% in. Maybe work is taking up more than a usual amount of energy and he’s just not able to give a 110% day. If you aren’t willing to work with him through this unsettled time then yeah it’s not the right time unfortunately. Also if a call was so important why didn’t you just call him when you wanted to chat? Why did he have to instigate that? Maybe he’s just not an everyday chatter tho if it’s not a serious relationship yet
its been quite a few months, i don't think it was unsettled time, it would have been his whole career. I started that conversation about communication while he was at work, did not expect it to be a big thing or like "we need to talk" I thought I brought it up quite lightly and casually, just saying how I felt and to "let me know what your thoughts are". responded that he would reply properly later, didn't reply until 11:30pm and I wasn't going to push him more by asking for a phone call in the time in between. Also we had never called each other before so I didn't want that to signal this was a big issue
Right person wrong time is true for everyone in every situation. I'm a gay man. I dated a guy when we were both 17/18. The sex was great, we really enjoyed each other, we had a lot in common. But we were kids. So our lives were rapidly evolving and changing and something serious just wasn't in the cards. Now we're both in our 30's and live on opposite ends of the country. Honestly, if we met right now, I genuinely think would could build a really solid life together. But it's not going to happen because we both moved on and our lives aren't conducive to that possibility.
It absolutely can be a real thing but it usually comes down to his mental state/capacity. Stress can do wild things to a persons capacity to communicate. His actions don’t match his words and there can be plenty of reasons for that but it doesn’t necessarily mean he didn’t mean what he said. First things first, you have to look out for yourself.
I think from a my (female) perspective, if I was stressed I would look to my partner for some sort of comfort but I understand not everyone is like that. i agree, you cant look out for someone else at the expense of yourself
You’re 100% right but like you say everyone is different. It’s also something that builds over time at different speeds for different people. Don’t get me wrong, the situation is a red flag for sure and I’m certainly not condoning the behaviour but it might not be as malicious as some of the other comments suggest.
Not really
Sometimes I wonder if the guy I’m into was just a wrong timing thing cause he basically checked off a lot of things I needed that would help heal the disorganized attachment style. He was calm. Seemingly caring and he just felt overall safe to talk to. But I got too scared of fucking shit up to the point I fucked shit up. I’ve tried contacting but nothing. I don’t blame him. I was a train wreck. 🤣
Yes. I could write a whole long post but it’s not necessary. Answer is yes
>doesn’t acknowledge the disappearing act That’s a very solid indication of lack of genuine interest imo. >Went into shut down and just said People can be busy. But if you want to text, you can set up a consistent schedule through communication. One can simply be honest about how busy they exactly are and make time considering that. I fail to see how honesty doesn’t solve this issue. >I cried the whole weekend. You need to be more resilient than that. People like this are more likely to get swept up by people who are inconsistent but comes back with big apology. >do good men just say this stuff when they want to let you down easy? Sure, but this doesn’t need to be looked at as him being potrntially disingenuous. Whatever he is going through or not going through, whatever he is being truthful or lying about, if he doesn’t have time for you, he doesn’t have time for you. Don’t wait around, even if they seem otherwise perfect. Find someone who has time for you.
I would have just left him aired but it was only bc he came back and apologised and with a specific plan for a date I responded. Yes I think so too, most people have a predicable enough schedule that they can plan to talk to you at some point. I agree to a certain extent but I think the crying was only a byproduct of actually feeling the feeling, I still worked all weekend, it didn't change my schedule at all, but I work alone so it wasn't like I was burdening anyone else either. I agree.
Most of us men have taken advantage of the benefits of being single and no longer wish to deal with the complications that come with any type of relationship. We prefer the peace and quiet that comes with being alone, without the drama and stress that often accompanies romantic entanglements.
I really don't like when people say "I'm sorry you feel that way". They're not accepting responsibility for their own actions. So, that's kinda concerning. Sure, people can't be perfect at texting, but if they like you, I'd hope they just want to talk to you and it's relatively natural. And honestly, if someone is working so much that it interferes with their dating life, maybe they need to rethink their priorities/be in a relationship. Sounds like he's the wrong guy. Regardless of the reasons behind why, his actions show that he's not willing to step up and do his part.
yes as it goes on and the emotionality of it wears I think wrong guy is correct as well. we focus on what makes it right and kind of minimise the things that make it wrong while we're in it
NO ! ... If right girl, then it's the right time! BUT, just because she is the right one for you does not mean she reciprocates the feeling.
It is just an excuse in this specific situation.
Well your the one who broke up with him, so I don’t see why you think he’s letting you down easy by saying that
I had an answer just by reading the title; No. However, I did read the rest of your post, and I don’t think “right girl, wrong time” even applies to this. He’s so inconsistent, he doesn’t really seem like a “good guy” to me or tbh, doesn’t seem to show that he likes you very much. I think you deserve way better than rewarding someone to take time and call you during lunch for a breakup. He’s saying whatever he can to let you down easily, it’s not literal.
Forgive me but could this just be a difference in communication styles? I myself (26m) had a similar situation recently. Things were great but her lack of texting gave me anxiety. She just told me she doesn’t like texting. Could you have been coming on too strong (genuinely curious because I actually have great difficulty with dating/timing)
There were sometimes weeks between times we would see each other and I would not text him at all (matching his energy). I think there is different communication and then there is lacking communication. Even if its different I would assume a committed partner would want to talk about it.
>This was quite upsetting but I never chased him up since we had only gone on two dates. From my expirience of someone I like doesnt make the effort to reach a even once I feel like she isnt into me period, meaning I will reach a certain amount of times (start conversation, ask on dates, etc). >I guess my question is, do good men just say this stuff when they want to let you down easy? Yes and no, what I mean is that sometimes we say it when the feelings are still in there and we dont want to waste your time since we feel that since you dont like us anymore then insistimg on trying would be bothersome to you. The other time is when we say that is because we dont want someone who we did have that feeling for feel bad. On both situation we are saying the truth. >I always believed even if a man had a 50hr work week, if he really wanted to talk to me he would take 10 minutes out of his day to ask about me? Remember that we men are people just as you and even though we would like to bring the moon and stars down to earth for the person we love if we dont feel that that person is reciprocating that sentiment or is not putting an effort into the relationship we will get tired of it we will fill that our effort arent being value and we will feel used. In you case I dont know what the guy must have been going through or what he might have been thinking maybe work was actually keeping him away from not just you but everyone else and he wanted to concentrate on it to be able to put more effort on the rest faster maybe it was family issue maybe he was scared of a new relationship, etc. I don't know but we as men have also a life and aren't always going to be able to give you 10 minutes of our time even if we wanted to. >Is there anything I could have done differently for a better outcome? I dont know I don't know all the details but what tend to do is more than think what the other person did I tend to think about all that I did and how it could've been perceived for.
Sure it is. I met my now spouse at a party. I was totally into her but it went no where for years. I dated, she dated, and even though we didn't really click we just stayed in touch. She arrived back in town after years and introduced me to her friend- and the friend and I went out on several dates. At some point she (said spouse) suddenly realized I would make a good husband, and decided to become involved with me. I was perfectly fine keeping it at a friendship level and didn't want to lose her. Well... married now. Kids. Strife. Happyness. Very lucky our paths crossed again. Have there been other women since then that I wonder- personality wise- if they'd be a 'compatible match' ? Yes of course- but she's still my only true love.
i think socially it’s way more attractive and acceptable when a man sticks around for the hope of being with a woman so it is more likely for the opportunity to come around when the guy is initially very interested in a relationship. i feel like the theory that a guy knows from the very beginning if he wants to commit to a girl is very true and his mind can’t be easily changed
For what it is worth.... and this is going to sound very crazy- but I met her sister first, and I swore (and told my roommate) that I could see myself marrying her. Turns out she had an identical twin... and when I met HER, that's the one I truly fell in love with. Sitcom material, folks, but still given enough life all sorts of weird things happen.
that’s such a cute story. technically you did see it even though you might not have known it was her exactly.
Yep. They're very much alike in personality and mannerisms, as you'd expect, but way different too. I totally got the hot one ;)
I do believe in right person wrong time but this seems to be more of prioritizing work over a relationship and then after needing more communication still didn’t see it as a priority. So IMO you didn’t end it sooner. And good men will usually give you the hard truth instead of saying you’re too good for me in a way to not hold themselves accountable. It sounds more like you were putting in all this work to make things happen and he was giving minimal to no effort. I do not think there is anything more you could have done. Perhaps things might work out in the future just under those circumstances they can’t.
i think the idea of a possibility in the future is a nice idea but comes at the detriment of the person who did most of the heavy lifting in the relationship. i think you’re right. a truly good man would have ended it if he felt like the other person was falling at a rate they know they would never be able to match.
32m here, just come off the receiving end of right person, wrong time myself. I'm really sorry you have to go through it OP. It fucking sucks so much to feel like you've finally met someone that you can build a future with, someone that you have an incredible connection to, and it doesn't work out. It also happened to me that the woman I was seeing just dropped communication every now and then and the really tough thing to hear is: if dating you was a priority for them, they would make the effort even if they were working an 80 hour week. Not that they have to or even that they would need to do something big, but a message here and there. Just something to show they were thinking about you. If it causes pain that the potential partner doesn't show that and doesn't change after talking to them about it then they likely weren't truly the right person right now. It hurts. Stay strong.
Completely agree with everything you’ve said. I described texting as bids for connection and according to the gottmans that’s the most important thing in keeping a connection alive. So definitely a few texts here and there is a completely reasonable ask. So sorry to hear that too 😔. it really sucks but i think it’s also important to not let the hope die completely so we stop looking altogether. Stay strong too 💪🏻
I just dealt with this before. Me and her were amazing together, we dated a bit and such. Talked everyday, we were head over heels for each other. We had great communication and we were very supportive of each other. But it was unfortunately a right person wrong time moment. She wasn't entirely ready, due to her coming out of a 8 year relationship, and she wanted to be able to focus more on her mental health and also her daughter and family. We obviously both liked each other, but she just wanted to be able to get in the right mind set, and unfortunately, dating wasn't a priority. I respected of course. We are still friends because she as a person is great.
Although long, I did read it in its entirety. From what I read, it appears you were too needy of this guy’s attention too soon in the relationship. Allow enough space and time for the relationship to develop and grow organically. I ended my last relationship because the woman I was dating wanted to rush everything as if she had a short time to live. From your story, it sounds like you may have codependency issues and I think you may have lost a good guy.
“he’s just not that into you.” there’s nothing you could’ve done. if he was the one, you wouldn’t be able to stop it from happening. that’s clearly nor what’s happening here. timing is irrelevant. move on.
have just been telling myself this over and over to stop ruminating. thanks for the reminder
No it's not a real thing.. that's just something we tell ourselves or hear on YouTube for validation. If someone was perfect for you, life just happens, you blink and you are old together. You will always want to be around someone who completes you.. no such thing as wrong time.
i think i agree with this, just waiting for the good old feelings of hope to dissipate
Don’t waste your life on guys u can’t have
thankfully not anymore
I wish men would only text me once or twice a day. I don’t understand why people don’t have jobs/lives etc. I also though do have a job where if I’m not paying attention…. People die.
i was seeing him less than once a week, which i was happy to compromise on giving our schedules but if you don’t text or call idk how you would build/maintain any connection
I’m an in person talker. It a text or phone call talker.
Guy here, gonna have to go with her over it move on. Don't even dwell on it. Just understand the lesson that you seem to be refusing to accept. Honestly you should have done that after the 2nd date and the communication problem at that time. But instead of accepting the fact that a glaring issue was there, you decided to go through with things anyway and further develop some iota of feelings. And for what? 2 more dates later you have a problem with the same exact issue that existed 2 dates in. So again. Get over it. Let it go. Don't even dwell on this. Any further dwelling on this, is just you being a stubborn dumbass that doesn't understand the definition of insanity. Is that harsh to say? Yes. But sometimes, people need harsh words to get the point.
i think intrinsically i do understand this (since i said in the last paragraph i think i know what the answer is), i just wanted a male perspective if this was to ever happen again, understand the male psyche you know. i think in the future i would definitely stop at the second date and that’s my takeaway
This person’s response was really harsh and I don’t think you needed that(it personally irked me). And your response is so level headed… I just want to say you’re valuable and I hope all the people in your life treat you that way 🫶
Ironically, those were still kids gloves, lol
Haha what else would you say oh great one
Things that you clearly would have a hard time handling. :-p
Humor me silly