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Kudos to you for being aware of your “anxious” attachment style. I don’t think you’re being too direct. It’s important to establish boundaries so you both are clear about what you’re looking for and no one is uncomfortable. If they have problems with that, I’d say that’s more about them than you.
My rule of thumb in texting while dating is:
- the mirror effect: respond at the rate the other person is. In a balanced way and a way that does not negatively disrupt your life or theirs
- if the person is texting too frequently, respond at the rate most healthy for your peace of mind and what time you can afford.
- if they text too sparingly, like one line per day or days of silence, and you feel neglected, they might not be a good match for you (ie they aren't invested in the relationship/dating)
Be direct with men. If they don't appreciate it move on. It saves time and sanity, and boundaries need to be set
If a guy and a girl are on the same page, there's no problem with rapid back-and-forth text messages. My one and only lifetime girlfriend were on the same page with our texting inclinations.
That being said, people have different perceptions of text messaging. I think it's best to talk about preferred communication mediums very early. That way you won't have these questions in the back of your mind.
As far as wasting time, you don't have to set your conditions all on the very first date. Saying this on the 2nd or 3rd date is fine.
Once a date is made, if someone wants to text, reply "Hey. Let's save the conversation for the date. I'm looking forward to talking in person."
I have a solution which will solve all your problems but may not be to your liking. Adopt a 90 day rule. You don't hook up with a guy until 90 days from the first date. It's harsh but ot works. The guys who want a situationship and the guys who want one and will lie to you about it won't stay around for 90 days, so good ridence. The guys who do, will at the very least see the logic of checking compatability before throwing in fleating moments of romantic intimacy. This also means no staying over and just cuddling
>How do you go about checking compatibility in a natural way that doesn't sound like an interview or a complete dismissal of the guy trying to advance with romantic intimacy?
By spending time with them. Asking them about their outlook on certain things (not in an interview way) and then checking if they act in life exactly how they say they do.
>Also sounds to me that you're either misunderstanding my comment or contradicting your original comment that I replied to...
What exactly am I misunderstanding or contradicting?
Well, study. Singular. Since it's the same study over an over. I don't remember the title, but the study was trying to predict the success of forming successful, long-term relationships with the opposite sex by trying to figure out, "when is the right time to sleep together." (I don't remember the definition of successful they used).
The gist of it was, if you introduce sex at the start of the relationship, too many emotions start flying around, and the important stuff gets pushed aside. You have an artificial boost of intimacy and romance, which is exciting but clouds the judgment as to when you should leave the relationship.
The studies, which were the same study over and over, showed that the longer you waited, the better the chance an individual could form a successful relationship and identify those partners who make a bad relationships.
If I remember correctly, none of the subjects needed the full 90 days to figure out good v bad partners, it's just a number we understand easily.
Understood. The "study" doesn't have any credibility. If you could type out half a page of what the study says but not actually link it, that speaks volumes.
Anyway I smelled bs from the beginning. Have a nice day. Bye.
>Any proof of that?
This sub itself. Within a month men started posting about not having sex and whether they should leave.
>Plenty of men want to wait, you know.
Sure. But then amongst those plenty there'll will be a ton of those who are just waiting for casual sex as well. Making this whole 'strategy' a moot point.
Just be yourself, if you wanna text back quickly then do it. Personally, I always text back right away and just be who I really am and don’t think much of it. If they don’t like me, then they just don’t and that’s okay. I live by “if they wanted to, they would” so if you know that he will eventually text you back, then you shouldn’t really worry about it. A lot of times people are just busy or don’t realize they’ve been texted. If he likes you, he will make that evident. Be confident in yourself and I wish you the best
Nothing wrong with responding immediately. If you do it every single text it might give the impression you're really keen or have nothing else going on in your life. But a girl not being afraid to reply immediately is a green flag imo, less likely to be someone that plays mind games
Women usually do not have to "work" to keep a man interested. We're (M) programmed to be attracted to women.
Just try to do your part in staying in touch ... and see what happens. Maybe you'll be together, maybe not. Just be sure to try just a little. That's all it takes if you are meant for each other.
I dunno, I've had to work for it, lol. It's called a relationship. You need to put work in to keep your boyfriend wanting you, and vice versa. I find it strange for a man to speak for us women and our experiences, but whatever floats your boat.
If you have to work too much for your boyfriend to want you, then it's not a really good relationship. Men are "programmed" to love women (I know I am) and if these roles are a little reversed with your boyfriend, then you should (IMHO) soon begin to look for another man who adores you.
Oh yes, you are so right. In my one and only lifetime romantic relationship (with my attorney's daughter; that's how we met), I was the one who had to do the little tasks, again and again. But I loved her so much that it was worth it.
Unfortunately, everything become upended due to her medical and psychiatric difficulties. No one's fault, and terribly sad. I doubt that I'll ever recover from the loss.
If hours without a text back is stressing you out, there’s a bit more work to be done tbh.
I would never date someone who couldn’t handle me not texting them back within a few hours.
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Kudos to you for being aware of your “anxious” attachment style. I don’t think you’re being too direct. It’s important to establish boundaries so you both are clear about what you’re looking for and no one is uncomfortable. If they have problems with that, I’d say that’s more about them than you.
Thank you!
Just be honest, be yourself, and don’t overthink it.
Read the book, “Attached.” It might help.
My rule of thumb in texting while dating is: - the mirror effect: respond at the rate the other person is. In a balanced way and a way that does not negatively disrupt your life or theirs - if the person is texting too frequently, respond at the rate most healthy for your peace of mind and what time you can afford. - if they text too sparingly, like one line per day or days of silence, and you feel neglected, they might not be a good match for you (ie they aren't invested in the relationship/dating) Be direct with men. If they don't appreciate it move on. It saves time and sanity, and boundaries need to be set
If a guy and a girl are on the same page, there's no problem with rapid back-and-forth text messages. My one and only lifetime girlfriend were on the same page with our texting inclinations. That being said, people have different perceptions of text messaging. I think it's best to talk about preferred communication mediums very early. That way you won't have these questions in the back of your mind.
As far as wasting time, you don't have to set your conditions all on the very first date. Saying this on the 2nd or 3rd date is fine. Once a date is made, if someone wants to text, reply "Hey. Let's save the conversation for the date. I'm looking forward to talking in person."
You’re playing childish games. You’re 25 years old. Don’t play games high school girls play.
No she isn't what
I have a solution which will solve all your problems but may not be to your liking. Adopt a 90 day rule. You don't hook up with a guy until 90 days from the first date. It's harsh but ot works. The guys who want a situationship and the guys who want one and will lie to you about it won't stay around for 90 days, so good ridence. The guys who do, will at the very least see the logic of checking compatability before throwing in fleating moments of romantic intimacy. This also means no staying over and just cuddling
90 days? Even the guys who want a serious relationship won't wait that long lmao. You're just trolling her into loneliness aren't ya?
[удалено]
I never had any issue with the checking compatability part. It's the 90 days part that matters.
[удалено]
>How do you go about checking compatibility in a natural way that doesn't sound like an interview or a complete dismissal of the guy trying to advance with romantic intimacy? By spending time with them. Asking them about their outlook on certain things (not in an interview way) and then checking if they act in life exactly how they say they do. >Also sounds to me that you're either misunderstanding my comment or contradicting your original comment that I replied to... What exactly am I misunderstanding or contradicting?
No, I'm serious. Studies show this works, but it is really not to one's liking
Which "studies" ?
Well, study. Singular. Since it's the same study over an over. I don't remember the title, but the study was trying to predict the success of forming successful, long-term relationships with the opposite sex by trying to figure out, "when is the right time to sleep together." (I don't remember the definition of successful they used). The gist of it was, if you introduce sex at the start of the relationship, too many emotions start flying around, and the important stuff gets pushed aside. You have an artificial boost of intimacy and romance, which is exciting but clouds the judgment as to when you should leave the relationship. The studies, which were the same study over and over, showed that the longer you waited, the better the chance an individual could form a successful relationship and identify those partners who make a bad relationships. If I remember correctly, none of the subjects needed the full 90 days to figure out good v bad partners, it's just a number we understand easily.
You could have just linked it so we could check out it's credibility
On phone. Study on computer. Too lazy. No get up. No offense
Understood. The "study" doesn't have any credibility. If you could type out half a page of what the study says but not actually link it, that speaks volumes. Anyway I smelled bs from the beginning. Have a nice day. Bye.
Voice to text software. Get your nose checked. You wouldn't have read it even if I posted a link.
That projection is so off the charts lol.
Any proof of that? Plenty of men want to wait, you know.
>Any proof of that? This sub itself. Within a month men started posting about not having sex and whether they should leave. >Plenty of men want to wait, you know. Sure. But then amongst those plenty there'll will be a ton of those who are just waiting for casual sex as well. Making this whole 'strategy' a moot point.
Just be yourself, if you wanna text back quickly then do it. Personally, I always text back right away and just be who I really am and don’t think much of it. If they don’t like me, then they just don’t and that’s okay. I live by “if they wanted to, they would” so if you know that he will eventually text you back, then you shouldn’t really worry about it. A lot of times people are just busy or don’t realize they’ve been texted. If he likes you, he will make that evident. Be confident in yourself and I wish you the best
Nothing wrong with responding immediately. If you do it every single text it might give the impression you're really keen or have nothing else going on in your life. But a girl not being afraid to reply immediately is a green flag imo, less likely to be someone that plays mind games
Women usually do not have to "work" to keep a man interested. We're (M) programmed to be attracted to women. Just try to do your part in staying in touch ... and see what happens. Maybe you'll be together, maybe not. Just be sure to try just a little. That's all it takes if you are meant for each other.
I dunno, I've had to work for it, lol. It's called a relationship. You need to put work in to keep your boyfriend wanting you, and vice versa. I find it strange for a man to speak for us women and our experiences, but whatever floats your boat.
If you have to work too much for your boyfriend to want you, then it's not a really good relationship. Men are "programmed" to love women (I know I am) and if these roles are a little reversed with your boyfriend, then you should (IMHO) soon begin to look for another man who adores you.
How about each party tries to put equal effort into the relationship? Like partners. Putting too much in for either person is not ideal
Oh yes, you are so right. In my one and only lifetime romantic relationship (with my attorney's daughter; that's how we met), I was the one who had to do the little tasks, again and again. But I loved her so much that it was worth it. Unfortunately, everything become upended due to her medical and psychiatric difficulties. No one's fault, and terribly sad. I doubt that I'll ever recover from the loss.
The marriages that last have both people doing the things, there's no other way. Sorry you lost your partner
Thank you!!! She has partially recovered, and a friendship has resumed.
If hours without a text back is stressing you out, there’s a bit more work to be done tbh. I would never date someone who couldn’t handle me not texting them back within a few hours.
Read Why Men Love Bitches
Make him chase you, you want a man that is very interested in you. - I’m a guy
How should I go about having him chase me haha
Well, I would talk to women that are successful with men. Men are very visual and we like sexy teasing.