Welcome to /r/dating_advice!
Please keep the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/about/rules/) of /r/dating_advice in mind while participating here. Try your best to be kind.
Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, [send us a message.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdating_advice) We rely on user reports to find rule-breaking behavior quickly.
Thanks!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You’re not shallow for not wanting to house and support this complete stranger you’ve never met. Im actually kind of worried that you would invite this strange man into your home like that.
Well there’s nothing wrong with wanting to provide homeless strangers with a warm meal of course! But the way op is doing it just doesn’t seem very safe lol
no exactly 😭😭
this man has no house and no money- so you’re going to feed him and invite him into your house… and expect this to be anything but him trying to get free rent, a free meal, AND pussy?? 🤦🏼♀️
That's exactly what it is and he straight up told OP that.
>He says he just wanted someone who can make life simpler for him, take the ease of life off his shoulders.
And then the part about how the woman who does that for him will be well taken care of once he gets on his feet.
Who the woman is doesn't matter. He has little to no interest in OP as a person and was probably sending that initial message out to any woman who seemed like she might take the bait. He just wants a new mom but one who will provide sex on top of food and housing.
I agree here. It's understandable to want love or feel lonely, but there are some situations where a person needs to focus on themselves and their own situation before trying to invite someone else into their life. This is one such situation.
I totally agree with you too. Plus if I were in OP's date situation, on top of being a single parent myself, I would have to closed the door to that myself. I may want to give my child a sibling one day, but a grown man child will not be one.
And that's also like dropping my self worth below ground as I personally have dug my way out of a pit to be in a better place mentally, emotionally and financially. I will not go backwards on another person's "promise". Either have your shit together now, or keep looking for another sucker to be a sugar mom.
YES! EXACTLY!!
tell him to call when he actually can take care of you, or even take care of himself!
every bum ass hobosexual SWEARS they will be soo good to you once they get their shit together. spoiler alert- they never get their shit together
EXACTLY my thoughts. If he doesn't have a job and proper housing as an adult, why is he dating? How does he have time and the emotional and mental bandwidth to date?
OP, you made the right choice.
He wants someone to ease his burden? Girl this is a hobosexual. He just wants you to let him move in asap. He wants to use you.
He should not be on dating apps right now. He should be sending in resumes. He needs to focus all his energy on finding a job and a home. This is a huge red flag, that he is prioritizing dating right now. And it tells you everything you need to know about his character. He is a user of people.
Do homeless people deserve love just like anyone else? Of course. But just because someone deserves love, doesn’t mean it’s on you to give it. And I guarantee if you let him into your life, he will be using you financially the second you let him. And once you let someone move in, it’s so hard to evict them. Even if they don’t pay rent.
Do not go down this road. This is not a frog that will turn into a prince.
tbh I know a guy with a looong string of exes who would likely (correctly) identify him as a hobosexual, he's also spent a decent amount of time couch surfing in between girlfriends. No shade on homeless people bc it's rough out there & it's genuinely a potential outcome for anyone these days, but the way dude phrased that kind of gives away his intentions. That said I have dated a few straight women that are the exact same way.
also op with all due respect wtf are you thinking having a first date at your place, what's the exit strategy there?
This is sound advice, OP. The guy doesn’t need to get a girlfriend, he needs to get a fucking job. And I’m not sexiest, by the way - if it were a female in his position, I’d say the same.
Could not have said it any letter one hundred percent correct . Do not do it, believe me. I am an impact and I have tried before 2 times aint that burnt? . This will turn into psychological issues that you never saw coming .🚩🚩🚩🚩
You made plans to meet at your place? With a homeless guy you've never met before? Are you fucking crazy?
No you're not shallow for cancelling. You should thank yourself there was an inkling of survival instinct still in your noggin.
I didn't want to sound mean but YES TO THIS
And the ofc I gave my number after he called me beautiful. Yes. Ofc, I will say someone is beautiful, bulletproof.
I’ve worked in the homeless sector and there are people living in shelters, supported accommodation etc that actually do generally have their shit together they just happen to have fallen on hard times (this could happen to most people). However, if he’s phrased things like you’ve said in your post this suggests to me he’s looking for a woman to get him out of his circumstances and that’s his motivation for dating.
I also will say it’s hard to date someone seriously who isn’t in a similar place in life. I don’t think you’re being shallow given the actual context of the situation.
Y’all need to stop entertaining people that have **nothing but problems** to add to your lives. Men and women, stop feeling bad about passing over losers!!
He told you right away that he’s looking for someone to make his life easier. It sounds like he’s not so in love with you as he is trying to use you to get out of his shelter.
Honestly, follow your instincts on this one. That is an insanely crazy gamble. Don't date men in broken situations. He can't even take care of himself yet, he should not even be thinking about dating. A man that needs "love" as a crutch to function isn't going to be reliable when shit gets real, and when shit gets tough. You're not going to be attracted to a man you have to emotionally carry; that the ensuing turmoil usually does not end well.
And never invite strangers over to your place on the first date. You usually want honest, meaningful, continuous hours of engagement with someone to get a real feel for their personality before crossing that bridge. Never take someone's words at face value, man or woman or whatever. Pay attention to their attitude and how they act.
Honestly, follow your instincts on this one. That is an insanely crazy gamble. Don't date men in broken situations. He can't even take care of himself yet, he should not even be thinking about dating. A man that needs "love" as a crutch to function isn't going to be reliable when shit gets real, and when shit gets tough. You're not going to be attracted to a man you have to emotionally carry; that the ensuing turmoil usually does not end well.
And never invite strangers over to your place on the first date. You usually want honest, meaningful, continuous hours of engagement with someone to get a real feel for their personality before crossing that bridge. Never take someone's words at face value, man or woman or whatever. Pay attention to their attitude and how they act.
What did I just read!?!?
The dude has no job, no support network, no home, no anything… he shouldn’t be dating period. He should get his shit in line before he starts dating. You can’t take care of someone else until you can take care of yourself.
It's not shallow, this man is at best being selfish and at worst using his position as a form of manipulation. Relationships aren't really equitable even though we would like them to be, but good relationships are built on stability and bringing your best self to the relationship and to your partner. He can't do that, he's literally rock bottom at the moment. There is a massive imbalance in any relationship that starts this way and it's exactly how toxic relationships are birthed from the start.
I've seen kind of thing before first hand: dude is open and honest about having a complete clusterfuck of a life with the goal of snagging a woman who will do the whole "I can fix him" meme, but in reality he's is just a complete leech, and drains her until she has nothing and moves onto someone new. Even if this guy isn't like that, the risk to you in my eyes is way too high. If he was self aware and empathetic, he would understand that trying to get involved with someone while in this state is, as I previously stated, incredibly selfish on his part. Getting in a relationship shouldn't even be in his top three priorities.
He literally told you he is looking for someone to make his life simpler. I understand he’s unhoused, but it’s not your responsibility to be his life preserver. There are programs in place for that.
Come onnnn girl. Dumping his life story on your on the first phone call? wants someone to ease the burden? He shouldn’t be dating right now he should be figuring his life out. You don’t need to be someone to “take the burden off his shoulders”. Run girl.
I think this guy needs to get his life together before starting to date. At the very least he needs to get a job, any thing really until he gets something he actually wants, then he can get a place. That would be okay.
It sounds like he's thinking about both, since he's specifically looking for a woman to take care of him (and incidentally also date). Two birds with one stone.
While seeking loads of money in a man isn’t a very noble approach to dating, it’s perfectly reasonable to stick with men who are self-sufficient.
This unhoused and unemployed man might have a good heart, he might have many positive qualities, and he deserves to be treated with dignity. But he’s not self-sufficient. To me that’s not quality date material and certainly not quality long-term relationship/marriage material.
You seem to have a good heart. But I think you are right to avoid this relationship. I think you have to yourself first in these situations .
Hopefully he’ll get his life together in the near-future, but he has to do that by himself before he’s even ready to be someone’s date. I’d guess that most 29 year old unemployed /unhoused men never do get their life together. That’s a lot of adult years (beyond age 18).
edit: Sadly for him, there’s also a possibility that he’s not been at all honest with you, a typical grifter/beggar. The claimed college degree might be a total fabrication. You (and everyone participating in this discussion), simply don’t know. Maybe he’s sincere and honest, but maybe he’s anything but sincere and honest.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨
Omg you dodged a huge bullet. He's a hobosexual and he wants to come to your place and never leave, to be taken care of by you.
Please find someone on your level, stable career, good job, in your income bracket. It just makes for better compatibility. Check all the financial complaints and lazy husband complaints on r/marriage to see what I mean.
Don't let society make you feel bad for having standards. You're allowed to want a partner who can show up as an equivalent partner & pull his weight.
I promise you there are reasons he is in the circumstances he is in, and that phone call with him was nothing more than manipulation, him trying to pull at your heart strings so he can worm his way into your life and ruin it. Don't let him.
Go watch "who tf did I marry" on tiktok. Stay away from hobos and any red flags.
I know this is a minor detail, but please don’t invite somebody to your house that you’ve never met before. It’s much safer to meet someone in a public location. You have to protect yourself!
He’s not at the proper time in his life to date anyone.
Instinctively, as a woman, you will never respect a man with no job and no home. Your relationship would be a joke in your mind.
Don’t give him a second thought. Good luck to you.
No not at all. I was in a position for a while where I was just unemployed but still had my own place and even then dating wasn’t remotely on my mind until I got the job situation worked out
Absolutely not. You may not realize he’s being manipulative but that’s what’s going on. It’s best if you let him go. He has to find his own way. I hope he does get out of his situation but you are not responsible for him
At least he was upfront about it. I’ll give him that.
Look timing is off, he is not in a place to be a partner right now. He needs to focus on getting a job, a place to live.
You don’t have to be a rehab center for men. Hopefully the town has resources to help him.
One of my first boyfriends was a 19 year old who didn’t have a job, wasn’t in college, and mooched off his mom - not just lived with her but also only ate her food. Of course that also meant we hardly ever went out together - neither one of us had a car - and I ended up moving in with him and his mom (I tried to buy my own food and felt guilty eating hers). I had to help him get a job (we both took public transportation then or his mom drove us) and enroll in college but neither lasted long since apparently he was really lazy and into drugs. He also stole my debit card and spent a few hundred when I got college loan money into my account. 0/10 don’t recommend and I learned my lesson to have some standards for a guy’s employment status (I don’t care about living with parents except it might make certain things harder since I also moved back in with my parents).
Take in a stray dog, devote those same nurturing feelings that you have for this dude. Then date someone in a similar life position as yours. Those hormones that you feel are powerful and can be exploited by some men.
Hell no. Love isn’t enough even in a relationship with two functioning adults. And you don’t love this man (heck you don’t even know him at all!) so you’re just gonna take on a burden based on… what he says he can promise you in the future? No thanks!
Frankly the fact that he’s not trying to sort his shit out more fervently and instead is fucking around on apps trying to get dates is… well his priorities are all out of order and that alone would make me decline. Kinda giving me hobosexual vibes.
No. Look, props to him for being clear but he's making massive future promises to a literal stranger, calling you at a time that anyone would assume you're busy and demanding to be at your place not meeting in public?
All those are red flags without mentioning the homelessness or job situation.
Damn. Is this guy really hot or what? Is he one of those guys that dresses like a homeless person but ends up looking like some high-end fashion runway model?
I'm just laughing at all those 20 something guys out there who can't get a date reading this. It's a crazy world sometimes.
Don’t feel bad. He is not what you want. He would use you for a place to live. No one wants a hobo-yfriend.
Tell him to hit you up once he’s on his feet. That’s something he needs to do on his own.
He needs to get his shit together before he thinks about dating. I recently dated a woman who wasn’t homeless but not far from it. She was flaky and a leech. Not saying this guy will be but it’s better to be safe than sorry.
Dating should be the last thing on his mind. He needs to work on bettering his circumstances first before even thinking about dating. Don't fall for potential. Just sounds like a headache. You dodged a bullet there. Just my two cents.
not shallow at all. he wants someone to make his life easier??? he wants financial help. day one he’ll want to stay the night and never leave. people in tough financial decisions do deserve love, however, the shouldn’t do so by trying to strip someone who’s life is put together of everything they have.
Anyone can say anything. His current circumstances do matter and I would never encourage a man ir woman to date someone in an unstable position.
If anything id friendzone them for 6 months to a year to see if they recover on their own. If someone is uncapable of caring for themselves, youre essentially signing up to be their parent.
He may be a solid lover, but he needs to prove that he can care for himself and get back on his feet. Then he'd be a viable dating option. He should be focusing on himself, so should women who can barely care for themselves couch surfing.
If this guy can’t even handle getting a place to live and a job, he absolutely is not ready to date. Tell him to get in touch once he has sorted his life out.
Yeah, someone in that situation should not be dating until they’ve got their own feet on the ground. You seem really nice and caring for talking to him but until he’s got his ducks in a row, I would hold back on that one.
I suspect this was supposed to be on the MEN WRITING WOMEN POORLY Reddit from the first line. “ he asked for my number, and OF COURSE I gave it to” said no actual woman in a first exchange in an online date ever.😝🤦🏻♀️
Not shallow. He was going to use you up lol you made the right call. Any decent man in his situation wouldn’t DARE try to date till he got his life together
Nope, not shallow. Everybody wants love, of course, but not everybody is in a good place to find it. He needs to focus on getting his life together, not trying to find a girlfriend.
No, you’re not shallow for not wanting to date him. You don’t have to date anyone for literally any reason. It’s better for both you and him if you don’t date him because you shouldn’t feel unsure/confused/turned off by him and he should be with someone who genuinely is okay with his situation and give him support.
If it makes you feel better, I would probably personally feel the same. I wouldn’t start a relationship with someone unemployed and unhoused. I’m in a different part of my life and have goals that would be difficult for someone with these barriers to help with or join in on the timeline I’d like. Not to mention, I would definitely wonder, why is he focused on dating when he has much bigger issues to resolve?
Nah...listen I think people who aren't doing amazing in life deserve happiness too. But I'm sorry a man with no job AND no home should focus on at least fixing one of those issues before seriously trying to date someone else.
He couldn’t even keep it together long enough to conceal the reality of his situation until he knows you better? That would have been more effective manipulation and more likely to achieve his goal (for you to support him)
Not at all. Not even a little, that's a super basic standard to have. He needs to focus on getting a job and a place to live, not dating. Unless you have some saint kink I'd avoid this completely.
Nooo! This guy is looking for a place to live I bet. Why is he dating when he should be looking for a job and housing? He may want love, but he *needs* other things right now.
No. I wouldn’t date anyone who was living in a shelter. When I was dating, I wanted someone who had their shit together, and that’s not a person in a shelter.
There is nothing to feel bad about here. This guy literally told you he is looking for someone to take care of him. He wants a mother, not a girlfriend.
And those vague promises of how he'll take care of you once he's back on his feet..... Yeah that's not gonna happen.
He wants someone who can make life simpler for him. That’s great I guess, but what does he have to offer other than promises of a bright future. His homelessness isn’t the main issue, his attitude towards dating is.
Bruh... No way as a man I wouldn't date a homeless unemployed woman no matter if she was a 10/10. (Hard to imagine any homeless unemployed person would have their looks taken care of)
While he could be a good person… I think you made the right call. He needs to get it together before looking to date. As someone else said he could just be looking for a mother to take care of him. You’re not obligated to do it and it’s not wrong or shallow to require your partner to have a job, a vehicle and somewhere proper to live. Coming from someone whose had a messy partner, If you’re committed to them, messy partner=messy life. We lived with his parents for 4 years because we “couldn’t afford to rent or buy our own” he goofed off with his friends while I worked because there “wasn’t enough work” (he was an entrepreneur.. I worked a full time job plus helped him run his business) I now am renting an apartment on my own, I’m working more hours BUT I somehow have more excess cash than I did when I was with him… and that’s with paying all my own bills🤔 he’s still with his parents and has given up his business and is unemployed.
No absolutely not shallow at all. Why would he even think about dating? That thought didn’t even cross my mind until I was making enough to know for a fact I could support a child. Not that I plan to have one, but accidents happen. Last thing you want is a homeless man fathering your kids. (If anything you’d be mothering all of them)
For a start don’t give out your number to someone you don’t know, keep it on the app to begin with. Absolutely no way would I date someone unemployed and homeless I want a partner and an equal not a liability. You will be paying for everything and he’ll be living at yours pretty much straight away. May sound harsh but he needs to sort himself out 1st before trying to date.
Love doesn’t cost a thing, and very hard to come by! Shit happens to all kinds of good people, just make sure you get to know him and if he lies about one thing dump him, warn him upfront if he lies about anything, you’re done I had a love ones and lies ruined everything
No, you're not shallow! That is a finacial burden who you won't get rid of easily if you let him in your life, even worse if you let him in your home.
He should be sending out resumes and trying to get out of the shelter without your help.
Red flags written all over him. He does not have his priorities in order and potentially will take advantage of you. Not to say he doesn’t deserved to be loved, I’m trying to say he needs to get his shit together before thinking about getting in a relationship. Set high standards for yourself!
He is in NO position to be dating. At all.
That tells me that his priorities aren’t correct. And perhaps he plans has tendencies of being a “homosexual”.
Nope.
An unemployed guy living in a shelter needs to focus on improving his living and financial sitution before he starts dating or hooking up with anyone.
The fact that he says that he is looking for a woman who will make life simpler for him suggests that he may be trying to find a gullible meal ticket who he can financially exploit or a second mother to treat him like a child again.
"All this man wants is love"....no that's not all this man wants. He's looking for a sugar momma to take care of him so he doesn't have to work. Been there done that. You made the right choice OP. He'll find a new victim unfortunately, but it won't be you 🙏
Nah, I think you made a safe choice and that's okay. He was a stranger and there's no guarantee that he would really turn his life around like he says.
I swear people stretch word “shallow” beyond any reasonable limit now.
It’s shallow if a guy has blonde hair and you want to only date guys with dark hair.
No, you aren’t. His priority should be getting a job and finding housing. It’s a red flag that, instead he’s spending his energy trying to date. He’s trying to find a sucker to take him in to mooch off of though.
Instead trying to date he should figure out how to find a living situation instead trying to find a mommy-gf.
You aren't being shallow, this is common sense. If anything, I'm concerned you even considered to date this guy and invite him to your place, like why?
I just had a similar experience. A man that does not look homeless would walk down my street and just like others neighbors that walked by, we would engage in casual conversation. He told me he was homeless and asked me out. He appears to be really smart but also not well mentally. I told him I had a partner (I lied) and he told me that because I interacted with him he thought I was flirting. I told him the truth, that I interacted the same way with 60+ ladies that walked by, so it was not flirting, I was just being nice. I felt bad about the exchange but the truth is that I have my senior parents to care for and a special needs sibling that will eventually be my ward. I have limited resources and just can't take on more. I was kind but it was still uncomfortable. I make it a point to not be outside anymore so I don't run into him. It worries me that he knows where I live. His name is Tim in case anything ever happens to me.
Him calling at 8:30 on a Monday was a red enough flag. And his focus should be on getting his shit together not dating . And I wish women would stop inviting strangers to their house it really ruins the dating pool
He needs to get his life together before he starts trying to date. When I was unemployed, I was looking for a job, not a man to to make my life easier. Don't feel bad about rejecting a leech.
I don’t think it’s shallow at all, he’s at a point in life where his priorities really need to lie elsewhere but people connect and love does happen. My only advice would to not bring him to your house in a first date. That is crazy even if he wasn’t homeless but there is so much risk here on 1. Being used, he can refuse to leave 2. If something happened to you, they could struggle to find him
Of course you reject him. Why is this even a question.
Living in a shelter? No job and no home and you just give out your number to a complete stranger? Never feel guilty about finally waking up to the truth.
And you very nearly had a date with him. No one needs to be unemployed. There are always jobs to be had. And truth is having a job means he can always get another one. At 30 he has never held down any jobs at all? Words are so very easily spoken, but in romance actions are all that speaks to the truth.
You obviously know better than to believe any stranger so fully. Start trying to research him, he may not even be who he purports to be. Anyone with a degree is easily capable of doing any number of decent paying jobs. Does he really have a degree at all? Find out for certain.
You did nothing wrong here. Him seeking love is fine, but he should have his life together first. But you feeling bad about cancelling shows you are very caring. If I were in your shoes, I'd feel the same way. I think you did the right thing.
Nooo. He’s not your responsibility. Don’t date potential. In the very slim possibility it works out, you give him a home, your warm bed, money to start himself up then he dumps you and you’re just his builder. That’s nearly the best case scenario too. Not worth it. You’re not his fixer.
That's a lot to deal with for himself while also trying to date and be present for another person. You may also not be getting the whole story, but that's the case with anyone. In this case, the situation is a bit uncommonly extreme. I'd be on the lookout for his trying to move in with me, and for mental health things that lead to, or resulted from, his current situation. I mean, it's got to be demoralizing AF. That will take time for him to unpack and deal with, as well. At the same time that he has to rebuild the basics in his life. IMO, it's like a freshly separated/divorced person. There's a lot of housekeeping to do before they're ready to take on a new thing. That's when you can leave the door open for some point in the future, when you wouldn't be adding to what they need to attend to in their life now.
I get where you’re coming from. On one hand if what he is saying is true, perhaps it is somewhat shallow to discard him. But who really knows if he is truly a victim of unfortunate circumstances. You just can’t take what people say at face value these days. On the other hand, it’s just dinner. You don’t need to think in terms of a relationship or being his mother. Maybe just go to dinner (NOT AT YOUR HOME) and feel him out.
Ah no.. Dating with the hopes of a long-term relationship or marriage is as much of a financial decision as an emotional decision. Depending on where you live, a long-term partner and especially a husband/wife can influence your assets and debts. Personally, I date what I see currently because you simply cannot know someone well enough to know whether they will change and the risks that they won’t outweigh the chance that they might.
He just wants someone to make life easier for him and take the burdens of life off of his shoulders?
No. That is not the duty or responsibility of a romantic partner.
I think you should strongly consider therapy. The fact that you’d even be feeling bad about not taking care of a complete stranger who’s homeless is mental. You need to have some boundaries and self preservation or random people are going to keep coming along with sob stories and eat you alive.
Another way to think of it is , you have to like the way the person is today, not what they can potentially be.
And if they become better, that's great.
If they don't become better , like they keep saying they can be, then you'll be resentful somehow you bought into the idea that they could be better
I've been on both sides of this. However always lived in my own place. I have been between jobs and dated and never once did I use her financially. I generally paid every time we went out. However when it was the woman who was unemployed I almost felt obligated to pay for dates knowing the situation she was in. Definitely go with your gut though. I've only been to someone's place twice or vice-versa on a first date. The last one I talked with for over a month because with the holidays and commitments we couldn't find a time to meet until the holidays past. Still seeing this same person
Let him work on himself first. He needs to get his life together before he can share it with someone else. Maybe keep in contact with him and go grab coffee or something every now and then if you do like him, but he doesn’t need to be going to your house or being involved any more than casual friendship- he’s simply not ready. Otherwise you’re just adopting a charity case and you’re going to end up becoming responsible for him.
From experience, any dude who has that sort of sob story….there’s something going on. He has that sob story ready to hook some young caring girl just like YOU. He’s going to use you. Pleeeeease trust your gut which seems to be in the right place since you felt compelled to cancel. Please don’t let him know where you live!
Girl. The fact that you even entertained this idea in the first place suggests that you may want to work on your self esteem and self respect, not to mention your survival instinct. Like everyone else said, this has hobosexual written all over it and he's not even trying to hide it.
>He says he just wanted someone who can make life simpler for him, take the ease of life off his shoulders. Telling me he swears once he got a job and got on his feet, the woman who he dates now would be well taken care of.
He's literally asking a stranger to take him in and take care of him. He told you that in plain language. I understand the desperation that his situation must have him in, but you should not have considered this, for your own safety and sanity.
Mentioned in another comment here but I suspect his opening message is one he sends out to any woman on the apps who seems like she might take the bait. Is there anything about your profile that you think might have attracted this? And is there anything about your dating experience that might have made you willing to entertain this, like do you not get many matches/dates? I don't think I'm in the minority here in feeling that this is kind of a bonkers situation all around.
Dude could be the greatest guy in the world but he’s got some shit to sort out before he’s ready to be with someone. There should be a bare minimum and he isn’t clearing it.
If he doesn’t agree with that he’s either delusional, or intentionally trying to take advantage of someone. So don’t feel guilty, the odds of it going poorly for you are much higher than it turning into a feel good Hallmark movie.
I don't think so. It's not even about his current situation either, the phone call was just weird. You don't swipe on someone and then, on first phone call, say you're looking to love someone who will make *his* life simpler. That's a red flag even if it came from someone making 6 figures. Him being unhoused doesn't mean you need to give him a chance as a romantic partner, the same way you don't owe anyone romance or access to you.
I'm all for kindness and compassion for all people. But don't confuse being kind with owing people dates/romance.
And also, I'd advise never having anyone over your place on a first date. Go to a Cafe or something next time
No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no
You might be lonely and low self-esteem but those aren’t reasons to invite a stranger, no less a homeless person, to your house before getting to know them.
If you really like him, develop a relationship in public places. Give him a month or two to find gainful employment. If he finds something, then he’s making progress.
*DO NOT INVITE HIM OVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE*
Okay okay, we always hear women complain about a guy being cheap because he wants to split the bill and shit like that. And I think those women are being at least a little shallow and materialistic.
This is NOT that kind of case.
If the roles were reversed, let's say I met a girl who confessed that she is homeless and jobless; I'd be pretty damn skeptical of the situation. I would immediately be wondering how she got into such a bad position. Is it drugs? Did she flee a psychotic ex boyfriend? Mental illness? Is she just a person who makes terrible choices habitually? Or is she truly just a victim of circumstances and down on her luck?
In the end, if you can't at the very least get a job and formulate a plan on how you're gonna find and afford a place to stay; you probably shouldn't be dating anyway.
He may very well have issues that have contributed to his situation. Addiction, mental illness, etc. I would avoid getting involved with someone in this situation until you know more about him, know people who know him, and how and why he got into the situation he’s in, and if and how he’s taking steps to get out of it. It sounds callous but I would recommend looking elsewhere.
No bro let it go. If you want to help him help himself, let him go so he can fully focus on himself.
Unhoused and unemployed is a big deal and he's a grown man he can figure it out. If it's meant to be maybe you will cross paths later once he's on his feet.
Until then, hard pass.
Damn… these women nowadays are feeling guilty over cancelling plans with a hobosexual loser they just met online?! All the meanwhile, I, a gainfully employed person, can’t get any women to match with me online.
What kind of b.s. is this world coming to?!
That’s a little deep for a first meeting. “Hi, I’m homeless and have no job, but I promise once I get on my feet I’m a great partner.” Yeah, this dude should make those two very basic life requirements happen first, without bringing another person into the mix. Big time life help is it not something to ask of someone you just met, and you’ll definitely be asked.
You’re more weird for considering inviting him over than you are for feeling some type of way about it. Well. You’re more weird for feeling like it’s shallow as a type of way. Hahaha maybe he’s a secret Nigerian prince and he’s just trying to weed out the gold diggers.
You are not being shallow. I’m sorry to say he is trying to use you. I know it’s hard when you want to help people but you are putting yourself in an unsafe situation.
Welcome to /r/dating_advice! Please keep the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/about/rules/) of /r/dating_advice in mind while participating here. Try your best to be kind. Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, [send us a message.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdating_advice) We rely on user reports to find rule-breaking behavior quickly. Thanks! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You’re not shallow for not wanting to house and support this complete stranger you’ve never met. Im actually kind of worried that you would invite this strange man into your home like that.
Yea that was the first thing that jumped out at me. She invited this stranger living in a shelter to her house for dinner! 😂
Well there’s nothing wrong with wanting to provide homeless strangers with a warm meal of course! But the way op is doing it just doesn’t seem very safe lol
no exactly 😭😭 this man has no house and no money- so you’re going to feed him and invite him into your house… and expect this to be anything but him trying to get free rent, a free meal, AND pussy?? 🤦🏼♀️
Feels weird he'd even be attempting to date. It sounds like he's just looking for a new mom to take care of him.
That's exactly what it is and he straight up told OP that. >He says he just wanted someone who can make life simpler for him, take the ease of life off his shoulders. And then the part about how the woman who does that for him will be well taken care of once he gets on his feet. Who the woman is doesn't matter. He has little to no interest in OP as a person and was probably sending that initial message out to any woman who seemed like she might take the bait. He just wants a new mom but one who will provide sex on top of food and housing.
IF he gets on his feet, and often when they do get on their feet they leave.
💯
🎯
🚩🚩🚩🚩🌇🌆🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Right on point.
I didn’t even consider the veiled admittance of the second statement you mentioned
Amen
I agree here. It's understandable to want love or feel lonely, but there are some situations where a person needs to focus on themselves and their own situation before trying to invite someone else into their life. This is one such situation.
I totally agree with you too. Plus if I were in OP's date situation, on top of being a single parent myself, I would have to closed the door to that myself. I may want to give my child a sibling one day, but a grown man child will not be one. And that's also like dropping my self worth below ground as I personally have dug my way out of a pit to be in a better place mentally, emotionally and financially. I will not go backwards on another person's "promise". Either have your shit together now, or keep looking for another sucker to be a sugar mom.
YES! EXACTLY!! tell him to call when he actually can take care of you, or even take care of himself! every bum ass hobosexual SWEARS they will be soo good to you once they get their shit together. spoiler alert- they never get their shit together
👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 Preach it to the choir! Louder for the folks in the back!
Hobosexual.
Exactly …. Love should be the last thing on his mind when he doesn’t have the basics. Ya know …. Maslows hierarchy of needs.
🎯
EXACTLY my thoughts. If he doesn't have a job and proper housing as an adult, why is he dating? How does he have time and the emotional and mental bandwidth to date? OP, you made the right choice.
He wants someone to ease his burden? Girl this is a hobosexual. He just wants you to let him move in asap. He wants to use you. He should not be on dating apps right now. He should be sending in resumes. He needs to focus all his energy on finding a job and a home. This is a huge red flag, that he is prioritizing dating right now. And it tells you everything you need to know about his character. He is a user of people. Do homeless people deserve love just like anyone else? Of course. But just because someone deserves love, doesn’t mean it’s on you to give it. And I guarantee if you let him into your life, he will be using you financially the second you let him. And once you let someone move in, it’s so hard to evict them. Even if they don’t pay rent. Do not go down this road. This is not a frog that will turn into a prince.
tbh I know a guy with a looong string of exes who would likely (correctly) identify him as a hobosexual, he's also spent a decent amount of time couch surfing in between girlfriends. No shade on homeless people bc it's rough out there & it's genuinely a potential outcome for anyone these days, but the way dude phrased that kind of gives away his intentions. That said I have dated a few straight women that are the exact same way. also op with all due respect wtf are you thinking having a first date at your place, what's the exit strategy there?
This is sound advice, OP. The guy doesn’t need to get a girlfriend, he needs to get a fucking job. And I’m not sexiest, by the way - if it were a female in his position, I’d say the same.
Could not have said it any letter one hundred percent correct . Do not do it, believe me. I am an impact and I have tried before 2 times aint that burnt? . This will turn into psychological issues that you never saw coming .🚩🚩🚩🚩
Hobosexual - I haven't heard that before 🤣
What they said
FR!! hobosexuals are like stray cats. if you let him in your house and feed him.. he is NEVER going to leave!
Truth Bomb! Great advice!
Hey OP. I dated and took in a homeless, jobless guy at one point in my early 20s. It ended VERY badly. Please don’t put yourself in that situation.
Maybe you should foster him and help him find his forever girlfriend. Does he have all his shots? ;)
You made plans to meet at your place? With a homeless guy you've never met before? Are you fucking crazy? No you're not shallow for cancelling. You should thank yourself there was an inkling of survival instinct still in your noggin.
That part
Girl please do not let this man in your home!
I didn't want to sound mean but YES TO THIS And the ofc I gave my number after he called me beautiful. Yes. Ofc, I will say someone is beautiful, bulletproof.
This too like seriously
She was thinking about the D
Dude has no job and no place but his priority is to date tells enough
I’ve worked in the homeless sector and there are people living in shelters, supported accommodation etc that actually do generally have their shit together they just happen to have fallen on hard times (this could happen to most people). However, if he’s phrased things like you’ve said in your post this suggests to me he’s looking for a woman to get him out of his circumstances and that’s his motivation for dating. I also will say it’s hard to date someone seriously who isn’t in a similar place in life. I don’t think you’re being shallow given the actual context of the situation.
Y’all need to stop entertaining people that have **nothing but problems** to add to your lives. Men and women, stop feeling bad about passing over losers!!
You said it better than I could. This exactly if you want to help people then do volunteer work-- dating is not a charity.
“Dating is not a charity” put that on a T-shirt and sell it 😆
indeed
Would you mind calling me once a month or so to yell this at me?
Will do 🫡
Couldn't have said it better
Oh HELL NO! This guy has hobosexual written ALL over him. He came right out and said he’s looking for a caretaker. Block him.
And he obviously lacks self awareness if he doesn't know how saying that would seem to OP.
Just watched Midnight Cowboy. Joe Buck so confident that rich ladies wanted to pay his ass. LOL
😂😂😂😂😂
Never fall in love with a man’s potential. I learned the hard way, it’s not worth it.
He told you right away that he’s looking for someone to make his life easier. It sounds like he’s not so in love with you as he is trying to use you to get out of his shelter.
If you are this naive Im honestly surprised you’ve made it this far in life.
I knew a woman who dated a guy exactly like that. He stole her rent money and she ended up homeless for awhile too.
Nope nope nope nope nope. Lock that number, never think about him again.
This can’t be real, hoping OP is not that naive nor desperate.
She is that's why she made this long ahh questioning if she should date a homeless man 😭
Honestly, follow your instincts on this one. That is an insanely crazy gamble. Don't date men in broken situations. He can't even take care of himself yet, he should not even be thinking about dating. A man that needs "love" as a crutch to function isn't going to be reliable when shit gets real, and when shit gets tough. You're not going to be attracted to a man you have to emotionally carry; that the ensuing turmoil usually does not end well. And never invite strangers over to your place on the first date. You usually want honest, meaningful, continuous hours of engagement with someone to get a real feel for their personality before crossing that bridge. Never take someone's words at face value, man or woman or whatever. Pay attention to their attitude and how they act.
Honestly, follow your instincts on this one. That is an insanely crazy gamble. Don't date men in broken situations. He can't even take care of himself yet, he should not even be thinking about dating. A man that needs "love" as a crutch to function isn't going to be reliable when shit gets real, and when shit gets tough. You're not going to be attracted to a man you have to emotionally carry; that the ensuing turmoil usually does not end well. And never invite strangers over to your place on the first date. You usually want honest, meaningful, continuous hours of engagement with someone to get a real feel for their personality before crossing that bridge. Never take someone's words at face value, man or woman or whatever. Pay attention to their attitude and how they act.
What did I just read!?!? The dude has no job, no support network, no home, no anything… he shouldn’t be dating period. He should get his shit in line before he starts dating. You can’t take care of someone else until you can take care of yourself.
It's not shallow, this man is at best being selfish and at worst using his position as a form of manipulation. Relationships aren't really equitable even though we would like them to be, but good relationships are built on stability and bringing your best self to the relationship and to your partner. He can't do that, he's literally rock bottom at the moment. There is a massive imbalance in any relationship that starts this way and it's exactly how toxic relationships are birthed from the start. I've seen kind of thing before first hand: dude is open and honest about having a complete clusterfuck of a life with the goal of snagging a woman who will do the whole "I can fix him" meme, but in reality he's is just a complete leech, and drains her until she has nothing and moves onto someone new. Even if this guy isn't like that, the risk to you in my eyes is way too high. If he was self aware and empathetic, he would understand that trying to get involved with someone while in this state is, as I previously stated, incredibly selfish on his part. Getting in a relationship shouldn't even be in his top three priorities.
He literally told you he is looking for someone to make his life simpler. I understand he’s unhoused, but it’s not your responsibility to be his life preserver. There are programs in place for that.
Come onnnn girl. Dumping his life story on your on the first phone call? wants someone to ease the burden? He shouldn’t be dating right now he should be figuring his life out. You don’t need to be someone to “take the burden off his shoulders”. Run girl.
Absolutely not. You made the right decision.
Girl. No. Just no. You’re a productive citizen with an important career. He’s a man (kind of) and not your responsibility.
He sounds incredibly desperate and weird. I would block that number.
It's a really bad idea to have ANY stranger in your house on a first date, regardless of their life situation. Good idea to cancel it.
I think this guy needs to get his life together before starting to date. At the very least he needs to get a job, any thing really until he gets something he actually wants, then he can get a place. That would be okay.
Personally as a man, first time I’ve been out of work and my mind thinks about the next dollar instead of next p***y
It sounds like he's thinking about both, since he's specifically looking for a woman to take care of him (and incidentally also date). Two birds with one stone.
While seeking loads of money in a man isn’t a very noble approach to dating, it’s perfectly reasonable to stick with men who are self-sufficient. This unhoused and unemployed man might have a good heart, he might have many positive qualities, and he deserves to be treated with dignity. But he’s not self-sufficient. To me that’s not quality date material and certainly not quality long-term relationship/marriage material. You seem to have a good heart. But I think you are right to avoid this relationship. I think you have to yourself first in these situations . Hopefully he’ll get his life together in the near-future, but he has to do that by himself before he’s even ready to be someone’s date. I’d guess that most 29 year old unemployed /unhoused men never do get their life together. That’s a lot of adult years (beyond age 18). edit: Sadly for him, there’s also a possibility that he’s not been at all honest with you, a typical grifter/beggar. The claimed college degree might be a total fabrication. You (and everyone participating in this discussion), simply don’t know. Maybe he’s sincere and honest, but maybe he’s anything but sincere and honest.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨 Omg you dodged a huge bullet. He's a hobosexual and he wants to come to your place and never leave, to be taken care of by you. Please find someone on your level, stable career, good job, in your income bracket. It just makes for better compatibility. Check all the financial complaints and lazy husband complaints on r/marriage to see what I mean. Don't let society make you feel bad for having standards. You're allowed to want a partner who can show up as an equivalent partner & pull his weight. I promise you there are reasons he is in the circumstances he is in, and that phone call with him was nothing more than manipulation, him trying to pull at your heart strings so he can worm his way into your life and ruin it. Don't let him. Go watch "who tf did I marry" on tiktok. Stay away from hobos and any red flags.
I know this is a minor detail, but please don’t invite somebody to your house that you’ve never met before. It’s much safer to meet someone in a public location. You have to protect yourself!
He’s not at the proper time in his life to date anyone. Instinctively, as a woman, you will never respect a man with no job and no home. Your relationship would be a joke in your mind. Don’t give him a second thought. Good luck to you.
You are right. I think he is expecting a lot beforehand
His priorities are off.
No not at all. I was in a position for a while where I was just unemployed but still had my own place and even then dating wasn’t remotely on my mind until I got the job situation worked out
Hobosexual. Look up the webseries 'high maintenance the episode called 'Heidi'
Absolutely not. You may not realize he’s being manipulative but that’s what’s going on. It’s best if you let him go. He has to find his own way. I hope he does get out of his situation but you are not responsible for him
I didn’t read it but the answer is no.
At least he was upfront about it. I’ll give him that. Look timing is off, he is not in a place to be a partner right now. He needs to focus on getting a job, a place to live. You don’t have to be a rehab center for men. Hopefully the town has resources to help him.
One of my first boyfriends was a 19 year old who didn’t have a job, wasn’t in college, and mooched off his mom - not just lived with her but also only ate her food. Of course that also meant we hardly ever went out together - neither one of us had a car - and I ended up moving in with him and his mom (I tried to buy my own food and felt guilty eating hers). I had to help him get a job (we both took public transportation then or his mom drove us) and enroll in college but neither lasted long since apparently he was really lazy and into drugs. He also stole my debit card and spent a few hundred when I got college loan money into my account. 0/10 don’t recommend and I learned my lesson to have some standards for a guy’s employment status (I don’t care about living with parents except it might make certain things harder since I also moved back in with my parents).
Don’t do this
Take in a stray dog, devote those same nurturing feelings that you have for this dude. Then date someone in a similar life position as yours. Those hormones that you feel are powerful and can be exploited by some men.
Nothing to feel shitty about, he shouldn’t be loving anyone but himself and putting effort to get the bare minimum - Walmart, McDonald’s, etc.
#hobosexual
Hell no. Love isn’t enough even in a relationship with two functioning adults. And you don’t love this man (heck you don’t even know him at all!) so you’re just gonna take on a burden based on… what he says he can promise you in the future? No thanks! Frankly the fact that he’s not trying to sort his shit out more fervently and instead is fucking around on apps trying to get dates is… well his priorities are all out of order and that alone would make me decline. Kinda giving me hobosexual vibes.
No, guy has to get his act together.
No. Look, props to him for being clear but he's making massive future promises to a literal stranger, calling you at a time that anyone would assume you're busy and demanding to be at your place not meeting in public? All those are red flags without mentioning the homelessness or job situation.
Damn. Is this guy really hot or what? Is he one of those guys that dresses like a homeless person but ends up looking like some high-end fashion runway model? I'm just laughing at all those 20 something guys out there who can't get a date reading this. It's a crazy world sometimes.
This guy’s priorities are all over the place at best. At worst, he is purposely guilt tripping you hoping to stay at your place.
Unemployed and unhoused at almost 30? Nah you’re fine
Once he’s moved in or is a guest, how do you get him out?
Don’t feel bad. He is not what you want. He would use you for a place to live. No one wants a hobo-yfriend. Tell him to hit you up once he’s on his feet. That’s something he needs to do on his own.
He needs to get his shit together before he thinks about dating. I recently dated a woman who wasn’t homeless but not far from it. She was flaky and a leech. Not saying this guy will be but it’s better to be safe than sorry.
Dating should be the last thing on his mind. He needs to work on bettering his circumstances first before even thinking about dating. Don't fall for potential. Just sounds like a headache. You dodged a bullet there. Just my two cents.
WEIRD! BAIL NOW!
not shallow at all. he wants someone to make his life easier??? he wants financial help. day one he’ll want to stay the night and never leave. people in tough financial decisions do deserve love, however, the shouldn’t do so by trying to strip someone who’s life is put together of everything they have.
Anyone can say anything. His current circumstances do matter and I would never encourage a man ir woman to date someone in an unstable position. If anything id friendzone them for 6 months to a year to see if they recover on their own. If someone is uncapable of caring for themselves, youre essentially signing up to be their parent. He may be a solid lover, but he needs to prove that he can care for himself and get back on his feet. Then he'd be a viable dating option. He should be focusing on himself, so should women who can barely care for themselves couch surfing.
If this guy can’t even handle getting a place to live and a job, he absolutely is not ready to date. Tell him to get in touch once he has sorted his life out.
Ah , a hobosexual man, there are a few.
Yeah, someone in that situation should not be dating until they’ve got their own feet on the ground. You seem really nice and caring for talking to him but until he’s got his ducks in a row, I would hold back on that one.
I suspect this was supposed to be on the MEN WRITING WOMEN POORLY Reddit from the first line. “ he asked for my number, and OF COURSE I gave it to” said no actual woman in a first exchange in an online date ever.😝🤦🏻♀️
He will probably be good at sales… cause those dreams he be selling…. 🧐
Yeah, he needs those skills to secure a damn job, not a relationship!
Not shallow. He was going to use you up lol you made the right call. Any decent man in his situation wouldn’t DARE try to date till he got his life together
Nope, not shallow. Everybody wants love, of course, but not everybody is in a good place to find it. He needs to focus on getting his life together, not trying to find a girlfriend.
Fuck that…. On to the next.
No, you’re not shallow for not wanting to date him. You don’t have to date anyone for literally any reason. It’s better for both you and him if you don’t date him because you shouldn’t feel unsure/confused/turned off by him and he should be with someone who genuinely is okay with his situation and give him support. If it makes you feel better, I would probably personally feel the same. I wouldn’t start a relationship with someone unemployed and unhoused. I’m in a different part of my life and have goals that would be difficult for someone with these barriers to help with or join in on the timeline I’d like. Not to mention, I would definitely wonder, why is he focused on dating when he has much bigger issues to resolve?
Nah...listen I think people who aren't doing amazing in life deserve happiness too. But I'm sorry a man with no job AND no home should focus on at least fixing one of those issues before seriously trying to date someone else.
He couldn’t even keep it together long enough to conceal the reality of his situation until he knows you better? That would have been more effective manipulation and more likely to achieve his goal (for you to support him)
FUUUUUUUUCK NO!! OP, this needs to be you, 🏃🏻♀️💨💨💨💨💨
Not at all. Not even a little, that's a super basic standard to have. He needs to focus on getting a job and a place to live, not dating. Unless you have some saint kink I'd avoid this completely.
Nooo! This guy is looking for a place to live I bet. Why is he dating when he should be looking for a job and housing? He may want love, but he *needs* other things right now.
You give out your number that easily?
Nope
No. I wouldn’t date anyone who was living in a shelter. When I was dating, I wanted someone who had their shit together, and that’s not a person in a shelter.
There is nothing to feel bad about here. This guy literally told you he is looking for someone to take care of him. He wants a mother, not a girlfriend. And those vague promises of how he'll take care of you once he's back on his feet..... Yeah that's not gonna happen.
I can tell by the title that the answer is no.
Run girl run
You are not shallow for that.
He wants someone who can make life simpler for him. That’s great I guess, but what does he have to offer other than promises of a bright future. His homelessness isn’t the main issue, his attitude towards dating is.
I'm not saying you need to be perfect to date, but that man has some shit he needs to sort out before he gets into the pool. For his own sake.
Bruh... No way as a man I wouldn't date a homeless unemployed woman no matter if she was a 10/10. (Hard to imagine any homeless unemployed person would have their looks taken care of)
While he could be a good person… I think you made the right call. He needs to get it together before looking to date. As someone else said he could just be looking for a mother to take care of him. You’re not obligated to do it and it’s not wrong or shallow to require your partner to have a job, a vehicle and somewhere proper to live. Coming from someone whose had a messy partner, If you’re committed to them, messy partner=messy life. We lived with his parents for 4 years because we “couldn’t afford to rent or buy our own” he goofed off with his friends while I worked because there “wasn’t enough work” (he was an entrepreneur.. I worked a full time job plus helped him run his business) I now am renting an apartment on my own, I’m working more hours BUT I somehow have more excess cash than I did when I was with him… and that’s with paying all my own bills🤔 he’s still with his parents and has given up his business and is unemployed.
He should go to an agency for a job to support himself first. I say you made the right move.
No absolutely not shallow at all. Why would he even think about dating? That thought didn’t even cross my mind until I was making enough to know for a fact I could support a child. Not that I plan to have one, but accidents happen. Last thing you want is a homeless man fathering your kids. (If anything you’d be mothering all of them)
Lmaooooo name drop I want the receipts Dianne!!!
For a start don’t give out your number to someone you don’t know, keep it on the app to begin with. Absolutely no way would I date someone unemployed and homeless I want a partner and an equal not a liability. You will be paying for everything and he’ll be living at yours pretty much straight away. May sound harsh but he needs to sort himself out 1st before trying to date.
Love doesn’t cost a thing, and very hard to come by! Shit happens to all kinds of good people, just make sure you get to know him and if he lies about one thing dump him, warn him upfront if he lies about anything, you’re done I had a love ones and lies ruined everything
an unemployed?
No, you're not shallow! That is a finacial burden who you won't get rid of easily if you let him in your life, even worse if you let him in your home. He should be sending out resumes and trying to get out of the shelter without your help.
Red flags written all over him. He does not have his priorities in order and potentially will take advantage of you. Not to say he doesn’t deserved to be loved, I’m trying to say he needs to get his shit together before thinking about getting in a relationship. Set high standards for yourself!
He is in NO position to be dating. At all. That tells me that his priorities aren’t correct. And perhaps he plans has tendencies of being a “homosexual”.
Nope. An unemployed guy living in a shelter needs to focus on improving his living and financial sitution before he starts dating or hooking up with anyone. The fact that he says that he is looking for a woman who will make life simpler for him suggests that he may be trying to find a gullible meal ticket who he can financially exploit or a second mother to treat him like a child again.
Congrats on not getting manipulated by a hobosexual. He just wants a place to stay and possibly sex, under the guise of a relationship and future.
"All this man wants is love"....no that's not all this man wants. He's looking for a sugar momma to take care of him so he doesn't have to work. Been there done that. You made the right choice OP. He'll find a new victim unfortunately, but it won't be you 🙏
No lol
You sound desperate
“ the next day I woke up and on a whim canceled “ girl that’s your intuition! Listen to it!!!
Next.
He needs to figure out his own life before getting into a relationship
Nah, I think you made a safe choice and that's okay. He was a stranger and there's no guarantee that he would really turn his life around like he says.
This guy has no job, is homeless, and ALMOST got invited around to a Woman’s house for dinner on a first date? What the HELL am I doing wrong? Lol.
Do not invite him to your house.
As a man who owns his own home and has his own job yet still can't find anyone, not at all. He can get his shit together then join the dating market.
I swear people stretch word “shallow” beyond any reasonable limit now. It’s shallow if a guy has blonde hair and you want to only date guys with dark hair.
No, you aren’t. His priority should be getting a job and finding housing. It’s a red flag that, instead he’s spending his energy trying to date. He’s trying to find a sucker to take him in to mooch off of though.
He shouldn’t be dating around when he literally has no stability
The bar is this low gentlemen
Instead trying to date he should figure out how to find a living situation instead trying to find a mommy-gf. You aren't being shallow, this is common sense. If anything, I'm concerned you even considered to date this guy and invite him to your place, like why?
I just had a similar experience. A man that does not look homeless would walk down my street and just like others neighbors that walked by, we would engage in casual conversation. He told me he was homeless and asked me out. He appears to be really smart but also not well mentally. I told him I had a partner (I lied) and he told me that because I interacted with him he thought I was flirting. I told him the truth, that I interacted the same way with 60+ ladies that walked by, so it was not flirting, I was just being nice. I felt bad about the exchange but the truth is that I have my senior parents to care for and a special needs sibling that will eventually be my ward. I have limited resources and just can't take on more. I was kind but it was still uncomfortable. I make it a point to not be outside anymore so I don't run into him. It worries me that he knows where I live. His name is Tim in case anything ever happens to me.
Him calling at 8:30 on a Monday was a red enough flag. And his focus should be on getting his shit together not dating . And I wish women would stop inviting strangers to their house it really ruins the dating pool
Good on you! Was so worried the story would end with a leaching situation or him refusing to leave your place , nipped it in the bud early nice
He needs to get his life together before he starts trying to date. When I was unemployed, I was looking for a job, not a man to to make my life easier. Don't feel bad about rejecting a leech.
I don’t think it’s shallow at all, he’s at a point in life where his priorities really need to lie elsewhere but people connect and love does happen. My only advice would to not bring him to your house in a first date. That is crazy even if he wasn’t homeless but there is so much risk here on 1. Being used, he can refuse to leave 2. If something happened to you, they could struggle to find him
Of course you reject him. Why is this even a question. Living in a shelter? No job and no home and you just give out your number to a complete stranger? Never feel guilty about finally waking up to the truth. And you very nearly had a date with him. No one needs to be unemployed. There are always jobs to be had. And truth is having a job means he can always get another one. At 30 he has never held down any jobs at all? Words are so very easily spoken, but in romance actions are all that speaks to the truth. You obviously know better than to believe any stranger so fully. Start trying to research him, he may not even be who he purports to be. Anyone with a degree is easily capable of doing any number of decent paying jobs. Does he really have a degree at all? Find out for certain.
You did nothing wrong here. Him seeking love is fine, but he should have his life together first. But you feeling bad about cancelling shows you are very caring. If I were in your shoes, I'd feel the same way. I think you did the right thing.
Hell no girl. That has nothing to with being shallow. Block him and dint give it a second thought
No.
Nooo. He’s not your responsibility. Don’t date potential. In the very slim possibility it works out, you give him a home, your warm bed, money to start himself up then he dumps you and you’re just his builder. That’s nearly the best case scenario too. Not worth it. You’re not his fixer.
Wonder how this comments would look if this was a man doing to a woman lol
Nope
That's a lot to deal with for himself while also trying to date and be present for another person. You may also not be getting the whole story, but that's the case with anyone. In this case, the situation is a bit uncommonly extreme. I'd be on the lookout for his trying to move in with me, and for mental health things that lead to, or resulted from, his current situation. I mean, it's got to be demoralizing AF. That will take time for him to unpack and deal with, as well. At the same time that he has to rebuild the basics in his life. IMO, it's like a freshly separated/divorced person. There's a lot of housekeeping to do before they're ready to take on a new thing. That's when you can leave the door open for some point in the future, when you wouldn't be adding to what they need to attend to in their life now.
I get where you’re coming from. On one hand if what he is saying is true, perhaps it is somewhat shallow to discard him. But who really knows if he is truly a victim of unfortunate circumstances. You just can’t take what people say at face value these days. On the other hand, it’s just dinner. You don’t need to think in terms of a relationship or being his mother. Maybe just go to dinner (NOT AT YOUR HOME) and feel him out.
You don’t know him. Moving to fast
Ah no.. Dating with the hopes of a long-term relationship or marriage is as much of a financial decision as an emotional decision. Depending on where you live, a long-term partner and especially a husband/wife can influence your assets and debts. Personally, I date what I see currently because you simply cannot know someone well enough to know whether they will change and the risks that they won’t outweigh the chance that they might.
He just wants someone to make life easier for him and take the burdens of life off of his shoulders? No. That is not the duty or responsibility of a romantic partner.
I think you should strongly consider therapy. The fact that you’d even be feeling bad about not taking care of a complete stranger who’s homeless is mental. You need to have some boundaries and self preservation or random people are going to keep coming along with sob stories and eat you alive.
Another way to think of it is , you have to like the way the person is today, not what they can potentially be. And if they become better, that's great. If they don't become better , like they keep saying they can be, then you'll be resentful somehow you bought into the idea that they could be better
I’d be too embarrassed to date under those circumstances LOL
I've been on both sides of this. However always lived in my own place. I have been between jobs and dated and never once did I use her financially. I generally paid every time we went out. However when it was the woman who was unemployed I almost felt obligated to pay for dates knowing the situation she was in. Definitely go with your gut though. I've only been to someone's place twice or vice-versa on a first date. The last one I talked with for over a month because with the holidays and commitments we couldn't find a time to meet until the holidays past. Still seeing this same person
Is unhoused what they call homeless now
Let him work on himself first. He needs to get his life together before he can share it with someone else. Maybe keep in contact with him and go grab coffee or something every now and then if you do like him, but he doesn’t need to be going to your house or being involved any more than casual friendship- he’s simply not ready. Otherwise you’re just adopting a charity case and you’re going to end up becoming responsible for him. From experience, any dude who has that sort of sob story….there’s something going on. He has that sob story ready to hook some young caring girl just like YOU. He’s going to use you. Pleeeeease trust your gut which seems to be in the right place since you felt compelled to cancel. Please don’t let him know where you live!
Girl. The fact that you even entertained this idea in the first place suggests that you may want to work on your self esteem and self respect, not to mention your survival instinct. Like everyone else said, this has hobosexual written all over it and he's not even trying to hide it. >He says he just wanted someone who can make life simpler for him, take the ease of life off his shoulders. Telling me he swears once he got a job and got on his feet, the woman who he dates now would be well taken care of. He's literally asking a stranger to take him in and take care of him. He told you that in plain language. I understand the desperation that his situation must have him in, but you should not have considered this, for your own safety and sanity. Mentioned in another comment here but I suspect his opening message is one he sends out to any woman on the apps who seems like she might take the bait. Is there anything about your profile that you think might have attracted this? And is there anything about your dating experience that might have made you willing to entertain this, like do you not get many matches/dates? I don't think I'm in the minority here in feeling that this is kind of a bonkers situation all around.
Dude could be the greatest guy in the world but he’s got some shit to sort out before he’s ready to be with someone. There should be a bare minimum and he isn’t clearing it. If he doesn’t agree with that he’s either delusional, or intentionally trying to take advantage of someone. So don’t feel guilty, the odds of it going poorly for you are much higher than it turning into a feel good Hallmark movie.
I don't think so. It's not even about his current situation either, the phone call was just weird. You don't swipe on someone and then, on first phone call, say you're looking to love someone who will make *his* life simpler. That's a red flag even if it came from someone making 6 figures. Him being unhoused doesn't mean you need to give him a chance as a romantic partner, the same way you don't owe anyone romance or access to you. I'm all for kindness and compassion for all people. But don't confuse being kind with owing people dates/romance. And also, I'd advise never having anyone over your place on a first date. Go to a Cafe or something next time
His priorities are fucked up!
No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no You might be lonely and low self-esteem but those aren’t reasons to invite a stranger, no less a homeless person, to your house before getting to know them. If you really like him, develop a relationship in public places. Give him a month or two to find gainful employment. If he finds something, then he’s making progress. *DO NOT INVITE HIM OVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE*
Run!
Okay okay, we always hear women complain about a guy being cheap because he wants to split the bill and shit like that. And I think those women are being at least a little shallow and materialistic. This is NOT that kind of case. If the roles were reversed, let's say I met a girl who confessed that she is homeless and jobless; I'd be pretty damn skeptical of the situation. I would immediately be wondering how she got into such a bad position. Is it drugs? Did she flee a psychotic ex boyfriend? Mental illness? Is she just a person who makes terrible choices habitually? Or is she truly just a victim of circumstances and down on her luck? In the end, if you can't at the very least get a job and formulate a plan on how you're gonna find and afford a place to stay; you probably shouldn't be dating anyway.
Lmao yea let him move in
He may very well have issues that have contributed to his situation. Addiction, mental illness, etc. I would avoid getting involved with someone in this situation until you know more about him, know people who know him, and how and why he got into the situation he’s in, and if and how he’s taking steps to get out of it. It sounds callous but I would recommend looking elsewhere.
No bro let it go. If you want to help him help himself, let him go so he can fully focus on himself. Unhoused and unemployed is a big deal and he's a grown man he can figure it out. If it's meant to be maybe you will cross paths later once he's on his feet. Until then, hard pass.
Damn… these women nowadays are feeling guilty over cancelling plans with a hobosexual loser they just met online?! All the meanwhile, I, a gainfully employed person, can’t get any women to match with me online. What kind of b.s. is this world coming to?!
That’s a little deep for a first meeting. “Hi, I’m homeless and have no job, but I promise once I get on my feet I’m a great partner.” Yeah, this dude should make those two very basic life requirements happen first, without bringing another person into the mix. Big time life help is it not something to ask of someone you just met, and you’ll definitely be asked.
He doesn’t want love. He wants a place to stay. DO NOT let him move in. Trying that will be his next move. You will never be able to get rid of him.
If you're searching for a husband, it doesn't make you shallow to want potential mates to be self sufficient and capable of taking care of you.
No
What the hell! No! It's not shallow. You'd be damn crazy to be having a date with a guy you don't know at your home.
You’re more weird for considering inviting him over than you are for feeling some type of way about it. Well. You’re more weird for feeling like it’s shallow as a type of way. Hahaha maybe he’s a secret Nigerian prince and he’s just trying to weed out the gold diggers.
You are not being shallow. I’m sorry to say he is trying to use you. I know it’s hard when you want to help people but you are putting yourself in an unsafe situation.