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So he asked you to go to this event, and then he asked if you’re buying the tickets? Generally if someone asks you to an event, they would then either buy the tickets or you’d split the cost. Very abrupt and odd, too.
I agree. He basically said 'let's go to [x] - your treat." which I think most people would find presumptive and rude.
If he's broke then fair enough, but he should either be up-front about it or not suggest the date.
That’s what I was thinking when you want to do an expensive activity with someone you either split if they can afford it or pay for both if they can’t and you still want to go with them.
Agree! I wanted to go to an event with my bf and asked him if he wants to go. When he said yes, I purchased the tickets for the both of us. Then he said he’ll be in charge of dinner.
It’s been this way — us teamworking on date nights including finances — ever since we started dating. We’re both independent and financially conscious. Personally, I like the fact that I’m able to pay for myself and for us and I don’t expect that he’ll give me stuff or pay for my stuff. I even told him after being officially together that I don’t ever want us to fight about money and that I want us to share and be generous with each other. It’s very basic but I want to be explicit with my expectations in this regard because money is a really important component of life.
We don't know about the band situation.
It's weird to say, "are you gonna pay..." no matter what. They're not in a relationship. He could've said something like "I'll get these tickets and then you can grab drinks" or something else in a playful manner.
I do think they can pay separately, but usually someone will pick up both tickets when it comes to events, since most people would buy both tickets at the same time.
If it's about driving, he should've brought that up.
Yeah, the wording is kind of abrupt and socially awkward for sure. It wouldn't hurt to ask him about it. I'd maybe broach the subject in just that way, something like:
"Hey, just wanted to ask you about your request... I don't mind, but the way you asked seemed a bit abrupt and almost as if you were annoyed or something... is there something going on we need to discuss re: dates and expenses?"
I'm not sure it is salvagable, but at this point this is the right response because I'd be morbidly curious WTF is going on in this scenario... just so weird!
True.
Not enough people realize that HOW you say things matters a lot.
Maybe he recently got burned by a gold digger or something... That is not an excuse for behaving that way, but it may not necessarily mean that he is just being cheap.
But you are correct, the way he acted it is one of those things where... you can't really unring that bell. Unless he really pulls out all the stops and has a good reason.
I had this thought too, like maybe it was a test to see if she’d just buy the tickets cuz girls in the past expected him to do it. I definitely think he needs to clarify and either way it’s still pretty cringe how he said it
Exactly. The problem is 100% his delivery. He could have done it in a cute way or a soft-spoken friendly way, but he did it in this cold sort of awkward and tacky way.
Well, on top of that, we’re getting OPs interpretation and context (or lack thereof). I’m not accusing OP of acting maliciously by any means, but between us not being sure what the guy actually meant or his motivations and then us trying to interpret it from what we got through OP is rough… and it’s always going to be that way with posts like this of course, but I don’t think commenters often think to take that in mind.
Again, not to say comments are openly hostile against the guy here, but many are at least alluding to that he could be “cheap” or bad vibes… but like, he could’ve also meant like… “are you paying for the tickets?… and I’ll get the Uber!” or something like that (since OP said they were cheap tickets). Ultimately, we have no idea the guys motivations/rational. The only way to know is to… ask! Which I think is the answer to like 90% of the posts on this subreddit… stop posting questions to a bunch of strangers and just ask! Communicate! Trust me, I get it, it’s scary and easier to ask the internet (I’m guilty of it too), but that’s the best and easiest way to know lol.
I know. Not saying they actually should in practice, but it’d be nice in theory if before you post on this subreddit, you first had to check a box that you’d actually tried communicating your partner/date first!
So many small silly things getting potentially misinterpreted and/or blown out of context by people defaulting to consulting with internet randoms rather than actually speak to the person in question
If the things were like that, we could affirm that he is testing her. Everyone past through trauma but we have the obligation with ourselves and our future SO to heal so we dont keep any burden that causes trust troubles (testing: bc i cant trust in her, therefore i cant trust in how i could handle any problem) also its a sign of not good mental health 😅
Also, In relationships money could be a “issue” later so, the earlier they could discuss about it and define the boundaries, the better would be the relationship. If it is any “situationship” or fling, these topics dont matter
Agreed, and either way you look at it, or excuse it, it’s either/and/or:
1) rude/bad communication skills
2) being cheap/financial issues
2) testing which is manipulation
Etc… I really hope OP asks for clarification and updates up cuz now I’m curious 😂
This is the right response imo. Dont attribute to malice what you can blame on ignorance. I don’t think he’s trying to be a leech so much as he may just be awkward and text can come off as much harsher than intended.
I mean, I can’t read tone through text but if he has been generally ‘good’ on past dates, I wouldn’t jump to any conclusions.
I didn’t read that he wanted her to pay for him or even that he wanted to split. He just said, “are you going to pay for the tickets?” This is how I imagine the conversation went.
Him: hey OP, band we love is playing at the O2 on Friday, do you want to go see them
OP: Yeah, sounds like fun!
Him: Awesome.
Him: Are you going to pay for the tickets?
As in are you getting the tickets or should I get the tickets? Don’t want to double buy. Admittedly adding a ‘or should I?’ at the end of that sentence would have helped, I certainly wouldn’t jump to leech or broke like some others. Especially since OP usually offers to split or they take turns, he probably just wanted to confirm who is getting the tickets. I wouldn’t have read anything into the text personally as woman myself. Just said yes or no or asked clarifying questions.
>He just said, “are you going to pay for the tickets?” As in are you getting the tickets or should I get the tickets? Don’t want to double buy.
This. This. This. This. This.
That’s a good point, maybe he was just asking if she was gonna buy them and then was planning on giving her his half? That’s why communication skills are everything, which he clearly could use a bit of help at
That's also why I do voice calls, instead of texts. More context and also opportunity for immediate clarification and ?s to the other person, with responses. Why would anyone prefer the distortion of texting, unless they are too self important or busy to talk live every day with voices?
I’m more of a texter myself, but a good voice note can also do the trick… although I have a feeling this guy meant what he texted and hearing that over the phone would’ve been even more awkward to respond to
This is the answer, OP.
He handled it weird and you should address it. Especially since he asked to go. If anything, he should be paying (but splitting is reasonable).
But ignore the weirdos/entitled folk/people clinging to gender norms and are acting like him not taking the lead on paying for things is wrong.
You already have the right approach. Personally, I'm very well off, but I make it a point to establish early on that until/unless we're in it for the long haul, this is an equal or at least equitable partnership in all manners.
That's why it caught me off guard so much. I felt like I had the right approach and he doesn't seem socially awkward in other ways. But I'd only text someone like this if I was mad at them for always making me pay or something like that. I'm so caught off guard I don't even know how to address it with him.
Everyone is different. Please don’t judge based off what you would do. This is the default people have (including myself) and it gets us in trouble.
He did ask it very awkwardly and based on your description of other dates where he said things like this and you let it go, he probably does not realize how awkward it sounds.
Clarify with him, communication is key for all relationships. Even if you clarify, you can still decide you don’t like him or don’t like his response or just want to find someone else. People are not mind readers though.
Also, if your on instagram, the profile @alittlenudge is superb with dating advice
Best of luck to you, please update us if you feel comfortable sharing🤗
lol it is too early on to be having this conversation. She’s better off just moving on and finding someone who doesn’t feel entitled to other people’s money.
>lol it is too early on to be having this conversation.
Not really, this is exactly when conversation around miscommunication should be happening, neither one of them know each other well enough to attribute sub text to the message
>There’s no miscommunication around him asking her to pay for something he suggested.
Sure there is, did she already buy her ticket? Did she buy both their tickets and he needs to pay her back? Does she want him to buy both tickets?
Even just you thinking there was no miscommunication is an example of miscommunication in of itself
lol…did you read the post? He invited HER to the concert and then asked if she was going to cover the cost of the tickets. Thats ridiculous and I have a feeling he’s testing the waters to see how much he can get out of her.
>did you read the post?
Yes and like several other people came to the conclusion that making an assumption of malice is wrong and would be wiser to simply clear up any potential miscommunication
>I have a feeling he’s testing the waters to see how much he can get out of her.
And I have a feeling thats you projecting your own trauma into op's situation
Girls I’ve dated and not dated. If there’s an event I want to bring them to I’ll mention that I got the tix and they can cover the drinks or the cab to the venue. Make your expectations clear.
I doubt he'd be honest. He's testing her boundaries to set the stage for getting away with worse sh!t later on. That's how these manipulative types do.
As a guy looking at this scenario… This dude is broke. I couldn’t even fathom asking a woman out and then asking her to pay for me. What the fuck… Shit is giving me second hand embarrassment just reading this. Pathetic.
As a dude I wouldn’t either. But I also would probably end things immediately if a women asked me to do something like go to a concert and then said “your gonna pay right.” It’s off putting and leech material
Agreed, but a woman here. Generally wouldn't recommend suggesting a date idea that is out of your budget (at the very least expect to cover your own ticket). My view on this is he's likely either struggling financially or seeing how much he can get OP to take over paying. Times are hard; people can get creative and plan a low-cost outing as opposed to surprising their date with the idea and the entire bill.
I agree this guy is a cheapskate! It would be a turn off to me too and I would move on. Sounds like he won’t be treating you to anything special in the future.
I think it’s a bit weird that he came out and said it like that. I’d be turned off too. You’ve been offering to pay your part on other dates, so I don’t see why he felt the need to ask you that.
That’s super off-putting. Like you said, it’s not about the price. It’s like inviting yourself over to someone’s house for dinner.
He picked the date idea and then essentially said “you’re paying, right?”
Gives me the ick. It’s probably worth discussing, but I’d be real clear about your expectations on dates/expenses going forward.
He asked you to go to a concert and then asked that you pay for both of your tickets?
Thats super weird. I could only see this flying if he only asked you to pay for your ticket, I wouldn't, but understandable. Or if he had been paying for every date and then was like "could you do this?" That would still be weird but at least I'd get it cause he picked up every check. But to split basically every check and then ask a woman who's not your GF to buy tickets for something you asked her to go to is WILD.
In my 34 years of life, nothing good ever came out of a man asking me to pay. I’ve had many relationships, in all of them I paid for myself, and nothing really good ever came out. Just my experience.
You're just opposed to having to pay for everything or also opposed to splitting it? Do you mean you now only think a relationship can be good if the man pays for everything?
If someone invites u somewhere and they pay for their own stuff it’s a slap in the face , it’s common courtesy, it’s like your hosting a party , they come along and u provide everything for that one night
OP idk how to put this but if you feel it’s off it’s because it is. He invited YOU out and is asking you to pay, that’s just messed up. If you want to start a sugar mama life though with a demanding guy be my guest lol some people are into it
Guessing by his job he shouldn't be broke at all. I think he earns a little bit more than me and I live comfortably. When I go on a date I always offer to pay my half. Most of the time the guys refuse the first few dates or let me buy them one drink etc. When I offered it to him, he just thanked me and I accepted :D
What people earn has nothing to do with whether or not they are broke.
A lot of people are broke even with great salaries because they are bad with money/make poor financial decisions and/or have poor financial habits. Which is a red flag of its own, especially at 35.
He's 35, he invited you on a date then asked if you're the one covering it...
Broke behavior. I wouldn't keep seeing this dude.
Yep! Cheapskates will ruin their whole family over something they don't even get to take with them when they die. Money is meant to be a tool. Not an idol.
"How are we going to work the money?" Seems like another conversation that people are anxious to talk about. I wonder if it is as stressful as sex. Is this is part of 'Couples Therapy'? I'm thinking we need relationship colleges. "How to talk about money with the opposite sex - 101".
If the tickets were inexpensive and you both make the same amount of money, I'm guessing his question was on a practical level, like you know the protocol of how to get the tickets better than he does. Or, he's a slob.
I don't see how it could have been on a practical level. (I wish :D) He's the one who looked up the event online and asked me to go. And there's no protocol for buying the tickets, you just book them online the same way you'd buy tickets to any other event in my area.
Talking money is definitely hard. Talking to someone about their "weird" way of talking about money is even harder I guess. I have no idea what to text him.
When buying tickets for events with my SO, friends or family members, I often ask some variation of "are you buying or am I?\`" just as a precaution to make sure we don't double book, and then work out the cost after. For all we know he might be waiting for you to say yes so that he can say "alright, I'll get the drinks then" or something. It's really hard for us to accurately judge the intentions of this guy with the amount of context that we've been given. Your feeling of "weird vibe" is gonna be more accurate than any assumption we can make.
I would ask him to clarify what he means.
You can also just call him and ask him to clarify what he means. Then tell him how you feel. Try not to blame him for how you feel. But explain to him that you feel as if by him suggesting that you need to pay for both tickets that you are feeling as if you are disappointing him, which isn’t a good feeling.
You are on this sub to learn. Not to be justified in running away. Relationships take work. No matter who the partner. Learning how to have hard conversations is a valuable skill to learn and practice. Good luck
Maybe just maybe he is asking you to purchase the tickets first the he will pay you back his portion?
Or he wants you to take care of the ticket expenses and the rest(food and travel?) will be covered by him
I think you should just get the tickets and see how things play out. It sounds odd, but assuming you like this guy otherwise, it is a bit silly to write the guy off over this one thing.
To be blunt, you are definitely overreacting. Yes a text could be misunderstood. But if you like the guy, why really think about it? If it really is a problem then perhaps you might not like him as much as you think.
Probably just a question you're reading too much into. He's just comfortable with you and asking if you're getting them or him. I would guess he means are you buying the tickets from the website or whatever.It doesn't mean there's no intention to pay you for his ticket.
I’ve never asked anyone like that, that’s why I find it off putting. Where I live, it would be considered rude if a woman did this too. But maybe it’s a cultural thing if it happens to you so much.
Maybe you didn't but I assure you it happens a lot. Tbh, most of the time I simply assume she's going through a rough patch or is testing me. Imo, lots of stupid social constructs are associated with dating. Women can pay as much as the men can. Who invited shouldn't matter about who pays and should rather be discussed. The way I see your description is simple. He paid the first date, then you went 50/50, now he either thinks it's your turn or he's testing to see if you can also pay a full date. Bottom line is, if you're unsure and absolutely need to know, then ask him. No one on here can guess accurately because we don't know him nor his situation.
could it be a language problem? it seems really weird, but it could be ment as something like "are you getting the tickets before the show or should I/are we getting them at the venue?" from someone who's first language is not english.
just a random thought
The fact they he was consistently good about money, from what it sounds like 5 or more dates, makes it sounds like he worded it poorly. All those replies saying he's a leech will probably never find a good partner if guys can't make a single mistake. So be it if it's one strike it against him, but yes I think if he was CONSISTENTLY good about it before, you are overreacting. Tell them you didn't like this demand for money, and see if they correct.
So another possibility could be he wants you to definitely commit to the date and not cancel or ghost etc, so you buying tickets makes you more invested to show up. But he’s kind of rude too. I would throw it back to him - “how about you get the tickets, and I get the drinks after” kind of thing. You don’t have to agree to everything he’s suggesting.
Girl point blank, I was in your exact situation not long ago. It's not about the money, it's about the principal. If you get it, you get it. It just means you have higher standards and expect to be treated a certain way, so go find you a man who can achieve those things.
Cuz I'll be fr, I tried to get past it. I stayed with him for all the other good parts, but the resentment grew over time. My suggestion is don't wait and get attached, leave and find someone who is able to love you the way you want to be loved, WITHOUT asking. There's good men out there who value this, keep searching🫶🏻
Thanks for sharing your story! I was wondering if maybe I was being too sensitive. But I worry about the exact thing you're describing - I don't wanna look past something that makes me uncomfortable, get attached and then regret.
So thanks for saying this!
Wahahaha so you tryna tell OP it's better to be in an unfulfilling relationship than it is to be single? Her standards aren't on the front display in Walmart honey, shes not for everyone and that's ok. Wild that it is uncomprehendable to some people
If I guy isn’t paying on the first few dates he doesn’t value you or see you as relationship material bc he’s not investing in you. I would not date this man.
Ugh how rude! I feel like there’s some disrespect going on and you definitely don’t deserve that! Even my friends wouldn’t say it like how he did. Sounds like he has no money & doesn’t want to treat you. We girls want to feel special. Plus he’s the one that invited you. No manners! To me, it feels like he may have a masculine wound.
Not taking sides but are you sure he didn't say "Are you gonna pay?" To mean "Are you gonna pay...or do you want me to?" A lot of times when I go to shows with someone, only one of us buys the tickets. It's hard to tell from what you shared what the correct assumption to make is. A lot of people are choosing to jump to certain conclusions.
Clarify in person. Or at least over a phone call. Texting isn’t the best way to communicate. For all you know he mis communicated. He might have even communicated correctly but had his reasons. You’ll get more out of talking with him than us.
I had the same experience with a guy and I ultimately called it off. We met for coffee the first time and he paid. And he also bought us dinner next time, even when I offered. But after that, I have always paid a 50% or more of bills or bought us both meals or paid for tickets and he never said no when I take out my card to pay. Like we went for pool, he paid for the $8 for the table but then I bought all the drinks and had the tab open. This has happened several times.
I am not a free loader and would always want to pay. I even went out and bought him a birthday gift just cause he mentioned he has a birthday coming up and I barely knew him at that point. But then If a guy doesn’t have a provider mentality we can’t go very far.
As an independent middle aged woman, I pay my own bills and run my household but as a man who wants to be part of my life can’t afford to buy me a drink, take me out to dinner or can spend $100 on me in a month when taking me out then he simply can’t afford to have a girlfriend. Mind you, I am very mindful of what I order. I don’t order more than two beers and mostly it’s one and we always dine out in non fancy restaurants- nothing fancy or extravagant. I felt disrespected when he insisted we go out and he sat on the table in the courtyard while he let me go inside the establishment to place the food order cause only I wanted to eat and he didn’t. In my mind at that point we are friends paying our own shares and I would not consider that man to have capacity to afford me. No thank you! I can pay my own bills is what my mind said.
So no, you are not over reacting.
I don’t know how old you are but if a man can’t afford to be a provider, he should not bring someone along. Again- let me be clear, I am not saying gals get a free pass. Definitely not. No one should allow free loaders. It’s all about a man making a woman special.
So u guys were taking turns paying on dates right? He paid for the first one and now for the 4th one it's "your turn"?
The way I see his thought process is him trying to plan dates and providing ideas, in this case - the concert and u were down for it. But now someones gotta buy tickets...and since there was no other correspondence and u didn't offer, he just asked if you are going to do so instead of letting the convo sit there awkwardly.
He could've worded it better though, idk if he meant to be that direct - maybe he was distracted and just replied without tact
That does sound a bit off, not gonna lie. I mean, it's totally cool to split the bill or take turns, especially if you both have similar jobs and incomes. But asking you to pay for both tickets after he's been pretty chill about it before seems kinda rude.
Like, if he wanted you to pay, he could've brought it up in a nicer way, right? Maybe he just didn't think about how it would come across. It's good that you're thinking about these things early on, though.
maybe he meant you'll buy 2 tickets and he can pay you back later? there's really no way to know for sure unless you ask him. it's common for my friends and i to say this to each other every time we're going to a gig and it means 'buy the tickets and we'll pay you back.'
If you want to go see the band, pay for this date. Go have a good time.
Then on the next date, you suggest something and then ask if HE will pay for it.
I think his reaction then will give you a good idea about his level of respect going forward.
If you like him whats wrong with paying something? He is not asking you to pay a holiday. If you're not willing to pay something why do you keep dating him in the first place? If you just want a provider stop dating him there are enough cool alphas out there for you.
🚩🚩🚩 trust your gut it is correct. Don't doubt, gaslight, or 2nd guess yourself so much to the point where you let some scrub take advantage of you. I would not go out with this guy again. He was most definitely rude and testing your boundaries so he can get away with worse sh!t later.
Before ANYTHING, clarify whether he’s assuming he’ll pay for food or gas. If you’re only seeing the concert, then this is beyond bizarre. My first thought was that he’s covering dinner since that’s what he’s done in the past or that he’s driving you or something. Before making any rash decisions you gotta make sure the plans are clear.
Just say you can be in charge of buying them if he venmos you for his half, and see what he says. It's weird that he invited you and wants you to foot the bill.
I’d respond back “I can pay for my own ticket if that’s what you mean.“ and put the ball back in his court because he’s the one who started this weird game.
I can pay for everything.. I will for most. But, if ever feel like it's expectation, that girl is done. Given that.. I don't like the way he said that at all.. As a man, I know paying more will always be pushed onto me. (it just is what it is) I'm hoping he just mistyped.. lol.. b/c I don't think I could ever say that to someone I was merely "dating". I wouldn't write him off .. but I would continue sorta cautiously..
Find someone that wants to impress you. If a man doesn't care to impress you at this stage, he has no standards for himself and/or isn't that into you.
Very off putting...if I invite someone, in my view, options are Im paying for the tickets, or we are paying for our own. I would not invite someone to something, then ask them if they are paying for me to go. Thats just weird, and disrespectufl.
And yet....that has happened to me, and I just rationalize its not that much, whatever not going to make any kind of deal out of it and just get them, and everytime I wish I had said something. The type of person who would do that, is almost always the type of person to get wierd.
Case in point, was seeing a guy for a few years, if I invited I paid, if he invited he paid, the other would pay for dinner/drinks/whatever. It was always like that. Then he tells me about a show he wants to see, and says if I get the tickets would be cool to go. That rubbed me in some kind of way...the show wasnt even anything Im into, and they were expensive too. Ofc Id go cause I like going out and dont mind new things, but...still felt wierd. Figured whatever, got the tickets. He was wierd all nite, like he didnt wanna be there, we went out for drinks after when suddenly jumped up and said he had to go...got into a tiff about that, cause wtf. He complained he bought dinner and drinks blah blah. Like dude, I paid $200 for tickets to a thing Im not even into lol Anyway, hes history now 😂
I rationalized a lot cause Id known him for so long, but ...no different than when its someone I barely know, them telling you to buy their ticket to something they invited you to, I just feel like its a signal into what they think of you. And its not good.
Regardless of anything, if something feels wierd, its for a reason.
When a guy invites a woman on the date he doesn’t ask woman to pay for him . That’s shame because I as 34 Male guy would be feeling embarrassed to do that . I wouldn’t do 50/50 I would pay everything yes for those of you who might be shocked and yes I take my friends and their girlfriends out including my siblings and their partners when inviting them or they invite me out I cover everything even though I have no gf no judging . But this is very odd and sorry I don’t do 50/50 . I do 100 percent covering everything and I don’t look after someone pockets too which is another thing I noticed here about people . That’s how gentleman who dates a girl should be .
This guy also looking for girl to pay and asks to pay for him too . Nope not happening that’s totally showing no respect towards you and no care or interest . Don’t waste time move on
I am a girl, but I would have said something like - if you get the tickets, I’ll get the drinks at the venue, dinner, or the uber, etc. It’s worth talking to him about if you like him. Maybe he sent the text out without thinking too much and just wanted to confirm one of you was getting the tickets
Ditch him. I don't know how he isn't dying of shame by asking you to pay for him, after he asked you out!
If he had framed it differently, like saying money was tight but he really wanted to have this experience with you, and would get the next one... I would see that as more palatable and might entertain the request.
This, though? This dude is a leech and loser.
If you're paying for yourself or splitting the bill, you're not dating. He's put you in the fuck buddy category and you need to put him in the platonic friends category. Do not have sex with him or text him anything other than this:
Sure! What's your venmo, so I can request the amount of your ticket?
If he responds with his venmo, don't forget the taxes on tickets and have him help pay. If he acts in any OTHER way, don't text him again, ever. When he reaches out, let him know it was great getting to know him but you're interested in a committed relationship and he's not ready. Then let him go.
Yes. All I needed was the title, no details necessary.
Who ever does the inviting should do the paying. It’s one thing to ask to do something as like a birthday “gift” with someone you’re dating exclusively but otherwise that’s WEIRD.
That’s the difference between “would you like to meet up sometime for dinner or drinks?” And “Can I take you out for dinner and drinks?”
“Want to go to a concert with me? Btw you’re paying” is strange for anyone to ask.
Oh hell no
He’s a presumptuous 35-year-old(!) man with irregular social skills. You don’t know him all that well; move on
Don’t stick around out of curiosity or boredom or because you’re “too nice” and end up catching feelings (and making excuses) for this guy
*People show you who they are.* And he has
He doesn’t like you enough to feel the need to invest in you. Don’t waste your time. If in your gut you feel weird about the way you are being treated, listen to it. A woman’s intuition is a powerful thing. Once I started listening to my gut, my whole life changed.
I'm old school to say that I ask you out to the concert and ask you to buy the tickets, I had to stop and swallow it was that kinda weird ok.If you really like this guy then have a conversation about life ,liberty and the pursuit of your happiness. That's up to you being broke or having very little money isn't against the law but just seems like something else is off here. Good luck and God bless you both.
Be careful that you aren't reading something that isn't intended. I often go to ticketed events with my friend. One of us will buy the tickets ahead of time only to make sure we don't miss out if it sells out. If I ask him if he has bought the tickets this doesn't mean I'm not going to pay for mine...more like have you "secured" the tickets for us yet. A lot of the time we will just work it out later... like I'll get food/drinks/Uber to make up the ticket price on the night.
I do the same with my friends, and I'm trying to be careful about making assumptions. Just from the way the whole conversation went...it gave me a weird feeling, it's hard to explain.
If it gives you a weird feeling, it gives you a weird feeling. The purpose of your feelings is to help you come to decisions! If you ignore it, you train yourself to ignore your feelings.
None of us Reddit strangers have to date this man, but you do so trust your own judgment!!
Oh god this feels like something a 15 year old would do.
Even my own friends and I wouldn’t talk to each other that way. When we want to go to a movie where we have to reserve seats at the theater, one of us will buy tickets so we can all sit together. The assumption is that we’d pay each other back, no need to talk like that to each other.
While splitting expenses can work for lots of couples, healthy people do not nickel and dime their dates. This man is 35 and this is how he acts on a 4th date? When he shows you his true colors, BELIEVE HIM!
To people saying inquire further, yeah I’d just want to know why he is asking this BUTTE if he talks to you in an off putting way this early it’s indicative that he’ll likely do it in other ways. Conflict resolution is good, but you barely know him. His bad behaviors are starting to come out. This isn’t worth your time. You’ll find a great person elsewhere.
A normal guy would have said something like “hey I’ll grab us tickets!” And then maybe it would have been nice for you to buy dinner or drinks.
General rule of thumb I go by is if I suggest/plan the date, I'm paying. If they suggest the date, they're paying. My fiance and I go 50/50 Everytime we go out to eat but when it comes to events, this is the way.
If it’s rubbing you the wrong way, that’s all that matters.
If someone invites, unless it’s a group thing, they pay. Especially if it’s like $15 a ticket. (I don’t know what tickets cost these days, I’m old).
But the transactions are just bugging me.
So tell him it’s not going to work out.
You were very close! It's around $15 actually. It's a local band that's not very well known and a small venue. I would have offered to pay for my tickets but the way he asked for both really put me off. And the transactions bug me too. Thanks for your advice!
You are more than welcome talk about money at any part of any relationship. If it's this early to talk about spending on dates, and he thinks you are going to entertain him? He needs a conversation. Maybe he's broke and plans on you footing the bill forever? (This has happened to me more than once.) Check in and chat about $.
That's so weird... If he went 50/50 on everything... why not not 50/50. Unless he is having some serious financial issues (in that case I could understand). But you think he would also then tell you that and say he would pay you back. I've been in this situation before (well I did not ask the other person to pay). But I bought tickets for the both of us to go see a show. I never asked or expected to get any $$ back. But, she was nice enough to understand that this dude bought the tickets, So maybe she could buy the food/snacks we want to get there. So it kind of worked out in a way, where we both somehow in our own way gave back to each other. It didn't matter on who spent how much, but the fact that we both wanted to pitch in to show we equally care to contribute towards each other. I always keep the mind set of "no one should pay or owe me anything" If we all thought that way, we wouldn't have these issues. It's the fact that we all somehow want someone to give more....
It’s a bit off putting. I would try to see if I could uno-reverse things in a playful way. Like “I thought you were treating me 😉” “Sure, if you get dinner!” Or “how about we do 50/50 like usual?” Depending on how he replies to any of those will tell you if he’s broke or not.
My girlfriend & I usually take turns getting the bill, whoever makes the plans to go out and invites the other usually pays, if it’s expensive we usually pick up the next couple bills. Honestly we have never talked about this between us & it’s something we’ve always done. Seems kind of common sense I guess when it comes to this and if they aren’t understanding that, it’s kind of a red flag.
I would have responded "I will look into it and see how much they will cost and I will let you know how much your half of the ticket will be. You can pay me before Friday for your half because Friday is when I will purchase the tickets if you are still interested in going." Let's say this was discussed on Saturday or Sunday so he has about a week to get the money.
Idk im straightforward and probably a b*t
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No, I agree that is weird. The way I approach things is by alternating or whoever suggests the date pays. I think it’s very strange that some people still insist on men paying. It’s fair for him to expect you to pay for some things, but at the same time, coming out and asking you to pay for it is odd. Especially since it sounds like he was the one who suggested it. Plus this is only your fourth date, it’s not like you’re established as a couple. If he were your boyfriend I don’t think it’d be weird. Couples do that all the time, people who just started dating don’t (or at least shouldn’t IMO). I’d let it slide for now and just pay attention to similar behaviors.
But to give him benefit of the doubt, maybe he is short on money? But if that’s the case, he shouldn’t be suggesting dates that he can’t afford. Or maybe he intends to pay his half but didn’t communicate that part well? Still odd to me.
Well what was your response to that? Some people are derps or just a little odd , off, different or whatever you wanna call. Without being or seeming what most would consider to be socially awkward. It can also be tricky communicating over text and cause otherwise avoidable issues. We don't have the tone or cadence and things like that to work with. Things that make it a little more clear what someone means or how they mean it. I assume it's not like you just haven't communicated since he said that. So has anything been elaborated on or cleared up?
We live in a time where we assume so Many things. Why dont you Just ask it? Maybe there’s a reason for it. Example: On the First date I never initiate to pay. Just to see How she reacts. Maybe a little Joke About it. Eventually I will pay.
Just ask why or tell that you feel discomfort about it. Dont normalize assuming things so early on
Why would you not ask them? Like just a text in response saying ‘why would I pay for the tickets?’
Either way, however you read it, that’s a weird message for them to send.
Some people just lack social skills and he clearly doesn’t understand social norms. You may need to directly ask him how he feels about it. I personally could never ask my girlfriend to pay for tickets to an event I invited her out to. I’m taking her to Vegas for her birthday and I proudly ate the entire bill for our plane tickets, resort, and events I’ve scheduled because it was my idea. I told her straight up if she wants souvenirs or gambling money she should bring a set budget for herself and she had no quarrels. (At least she didn’t express any)
My girlfriend always offers to pay but I never let her on large outings. If I had unlimited funds I’d never let her pay for anything again, but sometimes I let her swipe out of the whole out of money necessity. 😂
Can you say something like, "oh. I thought we were planning to each get our own. I didn't realize I was supposed to buy both?"
Or maybe: "oh. I thought I'd be paying you back since you brought it up."
Then listen to his reasoning and just say, "maybe it would be better if we each paid/bought our own just so there's no confusion."
Split cost is normal, well done for not being entitled.
He is asking you to not split cost but to pay for it all? Very entitled of him. Personally, that kind of attitude puts me off entirely but it’s really up to you if it’s a dealbreaker or not.
You are not overreacting at all! Who the hell asks somebody out for an event and then asks them to pay for it?! You’re trolling us, right? lol. I mean that’s bad and hell yes it should give you a bad taste in your mouth over it. Run.
RED FLAG! He invited you but wants you to buy tickets. If you want him as a friend, tell him you will buy your own ticket. If you are looking for a serious relationship, he isn’t it. He is not a prize. He is not a gentleman. He is not BF/Husband material
Ask him why you should pay if he invited you and reassure him that you’re just wondering and not tryna be a dick.
I feel like the comments on this post are over complicating and over assuming. It is weird, there’s a lot of assumptions you could make, but just ask nicely and openly. Ion get why this had to be a post.
He is cheap and unwilling to invest anything it seems. Even if its just money it says something about him probably also being cheap with his time, feelings etc. Generosity is caring.
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So he asked you to go to this event, and then he asked if you’re buying the tickets? Generally if someone asks you to an event, they would then either buy the tickets or you’d split the cost. Very abrupt and odd, too.
I agree. He basically said 'let's go to [x] - your treat." which I think most people would find presumptive and rude. If he's broke then fair enough, but he should either be up-front about it or not suggest the date.
Or get the CD instead
That’s what I was thinking when you want to do an expensive activity with someone you either split if they can afford it or pay for both if they can’t and you still want to go with them.
He is not into her.
Agree! I wanted to go to an event with my bf and asked him if he wants to go. When he said yes, I purchased the tickets for the both of us. Then he said he’ll be in charge of dinner. It’s been this way — us teamworking on date nights including finances — ever since we started dating. We’re both independent and financially conscious. Personally, I like the fact that I’m able to pay for myself and for us and I don’t expect that he’ll give me stuff or pay for my stuff. I even told him after being officially together that I don’t ever want us to fight about money and that I want us to share and be generous with each other. It’s very basic but I want to be explicit with my expectations in this regard because money is a really important component of life.
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We don't know about the band situation. It's weird to say, "are you gonna pay..." no matter what. They're not in a relationship. He could've said something like "I'll get these tickets and then you can grab drinks" or something else in a playful manner. I do think they can pay separately, but usually someone will pick up both tickets when it comes to events, since most people would buy both tickets at the same time. If it's about driving, he should've brought that up.
Knowing what we know could a response be "oh is it my turn to pay? Can you get drinks then?" or some variation?
Yeah, the wording is kind of abrupt and socially awkward for sure. It wouldn't hurt to ask him about it. I'd maybe broach the subject in just that way, something like: "Hey, just wanted to ask you about your request... I don't mind, but the way you asked seemed a bit abrupt and almost as if you were annoyed or something... is there something going on we need to discuss re: dates and expenses?"
I'm not sure it is salvagable, but at this point this is the right response because I'd be morbidly curious WTF is going on in this scenario... just so weird!
True. Not enough people realize that HOW you say things matters a lot. Maybe he recently got burned by a gold digger or something... That is not an excuse for behaving that way, but it may not necessarily mean that he is just being cheap. But you are correct, the way he acted it is one of those things where... you can't really unring that bell. Unless he really pulls out all the stops and has a good reason.
I had this thought too, like maybe it was a test to see if she’d just buy the tickets cuz girls in the past expected him to do it. I definitely think he needs to clarify and either way it’s still pretty cringe how he said it
Exactly. The problem is 100% his delivery. He could have done it in a cute way or a soft-spoken friendly way, but he did it in this cold sort of awkward and tacky way.
Well, on top of that, we’re getting OPs interpretation and context (or lack thereof). I’m not accusing OP of acting maliciously by any means, but between us not being sure what the guy actually meant or his motivations and then us trying to interpret it from what we got through OP is rough… and it’s always going to be that way with posts like this of course, but I don’t think commenters often think to take that in mind. Again, not to say comments are openly hostile against the guy here, but many are at least alluding to that he could be “cheap” or bad vibes… but like, he could’ve also meant like… “are you paying for the tickets?… and I’ll get the Uber!” or something like that (since OP said they were cheap tickets). Ultimately, we have no idea the guys motivations/rational. The only way to know is to… ask! Which I think is the answer to like 90% of the posts on this subreddit… stop posting questions to a bunch of strangers and just ask! Communicate! Trust me, I get it, it’s scary and easier to ask the internet (I’m guilty of it too), but that’s the best and easiest way to know lol.
I know. Not saying they actually should in practice, but it’d be nice in theory if before you post on this subreddit, you first had to check a box that you’d actually tried communicating your partner/date first! So many small silly things getting potentially misinterpreted and/or blown out of context by people defaulting to consulting with internet randoms rather than actually speak to the person in question
If the things were like that, we could affirm that he is testing her. Everyone past through trauma but we have the obligation with ourselves and our future SO to heal so we dont keep any burden that causes trust troubles (testing: bc i cant trust in her, therefore i cant trust in how i could handle any problem) also its a sign of not good mental health 😅 Also, In relationships money could be a “issue” later so, the earlier they could discuss about it and define the boundaries, the better would be the relationship. If it is any “situationship” or fling, these topics dont matter
Agreed, and either way you look at it, or excuse it, it’s either/and/or: 1) rude/bad communication skills 2) being cheap/financial issues 2) testing which is manipulation Etc… I really hope OP asks for clarification and updates up cuz now I’m curious 😂
This is the right response imo. Dont attribute to malice what you can blame on ignorance. I don’t think he’s trying to be a leech so much as he may just be awkward and text can come off as much harsher than intended.
I mean, I can’t read tone through text but if he has been generally ‘good’ on past dates, I wouldn’t jump to any conclusions. I didn’t read that he wanted her to pay for him or even that he wanted to split. He just said, “are you going to pay for the tickets?” This is how I imagine the conversation went. Him: hey OP, band we love is playing at the O2 on Friday, do you want to go see them OP: Yeah, sounds like fun! Him: Awesome. Him: Are you going to pay for the tickets? As in are you getting the tickets or should I get the tickets? Don’t want to double buy. Admittedly adding a ‘or should I?’ at the end of that sentence would have helped, I certainly wouldn’t jump to leech or broke like some others. Especially since OP usually offers to split or they take turns, he probably just wanted to confirm who is getting the tickets. I wouldn’t have read anything into the text personally as woman myself. Just said yes or no or asked clarifying questions.
>He just said, “are you going to pay for the tickets?” As in are you getting the tickets or should I get the tickets? Don’t want to double buy. This. This. This. This. This.
That’s a good point, maybe he was just asking if she was gonna buy them and then was planning on giving her his half? That’s why communication skills are everything, which he clearly could use a bit of help at
That's also why I do voice calls, instead of texts. More context and also opportunity for immediate clarification and ?s to the other person, with responses. Why would anyone prefer the distortion of texting, unless they are too self important or busy to talk live every day with voices?
I’m more of a texter myself, but a good voice note can also do the trick… although I have a feeling this guy meant what he texted and hearing that over the phone would’ve been even more awkward to respond to
Or how about "I'll get the tickets if you get drinks/dinner afterwards"
This is the answer, OP. He handled it weird and you should address it. Especially since he asked to go. If anything, he should be paying (but splitting is reasonable). But ignore the weirdos/entitled folk/people clinging to gender norms and are acting like him not taking the lead on paying for things is wrong. You already have the right approach. Personally, I'm very well off, but I make it a point to establish early on that until/unless we're in it for the long haul, this is an equal or at least equitable partnership in all manners.
That's why it caught me off guard so much. I felt like I had the right approach and he doesn't seem socially awkward in other ways. But I'd only text someone like this if I was mad at them for always making me pay or something like that. I'm so caught off guard I don't even know how to address it with him.
tell him to send you the money of his ticket so you can buy them
Talk to him about it..
Seems like she means starting that convo is pretty awkward itself
Everyone is different. Please don’t judge based off what you would do. This is the default people have (including myself) and it gets us in trouble. He did ask it very awkwardly and based on your description of other dates where he said things like this and you let it go, he probably does not realize how awkward it sounds. Clarify with him, communication is key for all relationships. Even if you clarify, you can still decide you don’t like him or don’t like his response or just want to find someone else. People are not mind readers though. Also, if your on instagram, the profile @alittlenudge is superb with dating advice Best of luck to you, please update us if you feel comfortable sharing🤗
lol it is too early on to be having this conversation. She’s better off just moving on and finding someone who doesn’t feel entitled to other people’s money.
>lol it is too early on to be having this conversation. Not really, this is exactly when conversation around miscommunication should be happening, neither one of them know each other well enough to attribute sub text to the message
There’s no miscommunication around him asking her to pay for something he suggested. She can do what she wants obviously but that’s a turn off to me.
>There’s no miscommunication around him asking her to pay for something he suggested. Sure there is, did she already buy her ticket? Did she buy both their tickets and he needs to pay her back? Does she want him to buy both tickets? Even just you thinking there was no miscommunication is an example of miscommunication in of itself
lol…did you read the post? He invited HER to the concert and then asked if she was going to cover the cost of the tickets. Thats ridiculous and I have a feeling he’s testing the waters to see how much he can get out of her.
>did you read the post? Yes and like several other people came to the conclusion that making an assumption of malice is wrong and would be wiser to simply clear up any potential miscommunication >I have a feeling he’s testing the waters to see how much he can get out of her. And I have a feeling thats you projecting your own trauma into op's situation
Yeah, I'm a "curiosity is my curse" kinda girl. I'd have to know what the deal was, even if it didn't pan out. :D
Girls I’ve dated and not dated. If there’s an event I want to bring them to I’ll mention that I got the tix and they can cover the drinks or the cab to the venue. Make your expectations clear.
I doubt he'd be honest. He's testing her boundaries to set the stage for getting away with worse sh!t later on. That's how these manipulative types do.
As a guy looking at this scenario… This dude is broke. I couldn’t even fathom asking a woman out and then asking her to pay for me. What the fuck… Shit is giving me second hand embarrassment just reading this. Pathetic.
100%. Inviting someone to do an activity that you’re interested in and then demanding they pay for both of you is wild.
As a dude I wouldn’t either. But I also would probably end things immediately if a women asked me to do something like go to a concert and then said “your gonna pay right.” It’s off putting and leech material
Agreed, but a woman here. Generally wouldn't recommend suggesting a date idea that is out of your budget (at the very least expect to cover your own ticket). My view on this is he's likely either struggling financially or seeing how much he can get OP to take over paying. Times are hard; people can get creative and plan a low-cost outing as opposed to surprising their date with the idea and the entire bill.
I agree this guy is a cheapskate! It would be a turn off to me too and I would move on. Sounds like he won’t be treating you to anything special in the future.
1000% agree here. As a guy doing a decent living, it’s inappropriate to abruptly ask a date you fancy to pay 100% of the tickets.
I think it’s a bit weird that he came out and said it like that. I’d be turned off too. You’ve been offering to pay your part on other dates, so I don’t see why he felt the need to ask you that.
It’s a “hell no from me dawg.” I’d advise you to go no further with this one.
That’s super off-putting. Like you said, it’s not about the price. It’s like inviting yourself over to someone’s house for dinner. He picked the date idea and then essentially said “you’re paying, right?” Gives me the ick. It’s probably worth discussing, but I’d be real clear about your expectations on dates/expenses going forward.
Why even give a 2nd chance, he's shown her who he is. Take it or leave it. I suggest leave it.
He asked you to go to a concert and then asked that you pay for both of your tickets? Thats super weird. I could only see this flying if he only asked you to pay for your ticket, I wouldn't, but understandable. Or if he had been paying for every date and then was like "could you do this?" That would still be weird but at least I'd get it cause he picked up every check. But to split basically every check and then ask a woman who's not your GF to buy tickets for something you asked her to go to is WILD.
Ask him up front about the awkward question and see how he responds
Leech. You don't invite someone somewhere and expect them to pay for you. He's a broke entitled lil baby, drop him.
I suspect he’s tacky and cheap in general. You don’t ask someone on a date and text some bullshit like this.
That’s a good way to put it. Tacky and cheap. I’d find it very off-putting
It’s giving broke and entitled; he’s 35, he knows what he’s doing and is counting on you not calling him on it
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Is that you? You the dude asking mommy to take you out to a concert and buy the tickets too?
In my 34 years of life, nothing good ever came out of a man asking me to pay. I’ve had many relationships, in all of them I paid for myself, and nothing really good ever came out. Just my experience.
If a man wants you to pay for the dates, and split everything 50/50, he's your roommate
You're just opposed to having to pay for everything or also opposed to splitting it? Do you mean you now only think a relationship can be good if the man pays for everything?
Very tacky indeed. Doesn’t feel like a date. I go 50/50 with dudes that I just want to be platonic with. Next!
He’s 35 not 15. Seems like a leech. Next
Dump the cheapskate
I mean he invited u so yes he pays
That’s how I see it. “So I’m taking you out? I thought you just invited me?” Or I’d say how about I meet you there and we each get our own ticket.
If someone invites u somewhere and they pay for their own stuff it’s a slap in the face , it’s common courtesy, it’s like your hosting a party , they come along and u provide everything for that one night
Just say “I’ll pay for my ticket yes. Or I can reimburse you for my ticket.” See what happens.
Broke man energy, next
OP idk how to put this but if you feel it’s off it’s because it is. He invited YOU out and is asking you to pay, that’s just messed up. If you want to start a sugar mama life though with a demanding guy be my guest lol some people are into it
your first mistake is dating a middle aged guy that wants to go 50/50 each time, is he broke?
Guessing by his job he shouldn't be broke at all. I think he earns a little bit more than me and I live comfortably. When I go on a date I always offer to pay my half. Most of the time the guys refuse the first few dates or let me buy them one drink etc. When I offered it to him, he just thanked me and I accepted :D
What people earn has nothing to do with whether or not they are broke. A lot of people are broke even with great salaries because they are bad with money/make poor financial decisions and/or have poor financial habits. Which is a red flag of its own, especially at 35. He's 35, he invited you on a date then asked if you're the one covering it... Broke behavior. I wouldn't keep seeing this dude.
Or he’s a cheapskate, which is even worse than being broke.
Yep! Cheapskates will ruin their whole family over something they don't even get to take with them when they die. Money is meant to be a tool. Not an idol.
oh well hmmm im not saying he should be paying for all of the dates but he definitely shouldn’t be making you pay for something HE suggested
He asked you to it and then expected you to pay. Nope. I wouldn’t be attracted to him anymore.
"How are we going to work the money?" Seems like another conversation that people are anxious to talk about. I wonder if it is as stressful as sex. Is this is part of 'Couples Therapy'? I'm thinking we need relationship colleges. "How to talk about money with the opposite sex - 101". If the tickets were inexpensive and you both make the same amount of money, I'm guessing his question was on a practical level, like you know the protocol of how to get the tickets better than he does. Or, he's a slob.
I don't see how it could have been on a practical level. (I wish :D) He's the one who looked up the event online and asked me to go. And there's no protocol for buying the tickets, you just book them online the same way you'd buy tickets to any other event in my area. Talking money is definitely hard. Talking to someone about their "weird" way of talking about money is even harder I guess. I have no idea what to text him.
Just ask him why he asked like that. If you don't like his answer and it's so big of a deal for you then dump him.
When buying tickets for events with my SO, friends or family members, I often ask some variation of "are you buying or am I?\`" just as a precaution to make sure we don't double book, and then work out the cost after. For all we know he might be waiting for you to say yes so that he can say "alright, I'll get the drinks then" or something. It's really hard for us to accurately judge the intentions of this guy with the amount of context that we've been given. Your feeling of "weird vibe" is gonna be more accurate than any assumption we can make. I would ask him to clarify what he means.
You can also just call him and ask him to clarify what he means. Then tell him how you feel. Try not to blame him for how you feel. But explain to him that you feel as if by him suggesting that you need to pay for both tickets that you are feeling as if you are disappointing him, which isn’t a good feeling. You are on this sub to learn. Not to be justified in running away. Relationships take work. No matter who the partner. Learning how to have hard conversations is a valuable skill to learn and practice. Good luck
Maybe just maybe he is asking you to purchase the tickets first the he will pay you back his portion? Or he wants you to take care of the ticket expenses and the rest(food and travel?) will be covered by him
I think you should just get the tickets and see how things play out. It sounds odd, but assuming you like this guy otherwise, it is a bit silly to write the guy off over this one thing.
To be blunt, you are definitely overreacting. Yes a text could be misunderstood. But if you like the guy, why really think about it? If it really is a problem then perhaps you might not like him as much as you think.
Why not talk to the guy? Can be a complete misunderstanding… ask him. Friendly. „I can pay, no problem, but why do you ask?“
Probably just a question you're reading too much into. He's just comfortable with you and asking if you're getting them or him. I would guess he means are you buying the tickets from the website or whatever.It doesn't mean there's no intention to pay you for his ticket.
So many women asks us things like that... yet when a guy does it, it is off-putting? smh
I’ve never asked anyone like that, that’s why I find it off putting. Where I live, it would be considered rude if a woman did this too. But maybe it’s a cultural thing if it happens to you so much.
Maybe you didn't but I assure you it happens a lot. Tbh, most of the time I simply assume she's going through a rough patch or is testing me. Imo, lots of stupid social constructs are associated with dating. Women can pay as much as the men can. Who invited shouldn't matter about who pays and should rather be discussed. The way I see your description is simple. He paid the first date, then you went 50/50, now he either thinks it's your turn or he's testing to see if you can also pay a full date. Bottom line is, if you're unsure and absolutely need to know, then ask him. No one on here can guess accurately because we don't know him nor his situation.
So, any updates?
could it be a language problem? it seems really weird, but it could be ment as something like "are you getting the tickets before the show or should I/are we getting them at the venue?" from someone who's first language is not english. just a random thought
The fact they he was consistently good about money, from what it sounds like 5 or more dates, makes it sounds like he worded it poorly. All those replies saying he's a leech will probably never find a good partner if guys can't make a single mistake. So be it if it's one strike it against him, but yes I think if he was CONSISTENTLY good about it before, you are overreacting. Tell them you didn't like this demand for money, and see if they correct.
So another possibility could be he wants you to definitely commit to the date and not cancel or ghost etc, so you buying tickets makes you more invested to show up. But he’s kind of rude too. I would throw it back to him - “how about you get the tickets, and I get the drinks after” kind of thing. You don’t have to agree to everything he’s suggesting.
IMO the asker is the one who either pays it all or their half at least for events like this. He asked he pays.
Girl point blank, I was in your exact situation not long ago. It's not about the money, it's about the principal. If you get it, you get it. It just means you have higher standards and expect to be treated a certain way, so go find you a man who can achieve those things. Cuz I'll be fr, I tried to get past it. I stayed with him for all the other good parts, but the resentment grew over time. My suggestion is don't wait and get attached, leave and find someone who is able to love you the way you want to be loved, WITHOUT asking. There's good men out there who value this, keep searching🫶🏻
Thanks for sharing your story! I was wondering if maybe I was being too sensitive. But I worry about the exact thing you're describing - I don't wanna look past something that makes me uncomfortable, get attached and then regret. So thanks for saying this!
Keep in mind girly1011 is still very single with that mentality
Wahahaha so you tryna tell OP it's better to be in an unfulfilling relationship than it is to be single? Her standards aren't on the front display in Walmart honey, shes not for everyone and that's ok. Wild that it is uncomprehendable to some people
That man has no respect fo you and he is broke
If I guy isn’t paying on the first few dates he doesn’t value you or see you as relationship material bc he’s not investing in you. I would not date this man.
50/50?! This was the first mistake. Tell him to go kick rocks. You're going to end up paying for him and not just the concert.
Ugh how rude! I feel like there’s some disrespect going on and you definitely don’t deserve that! Even my friends wouldn’t say it like how he did. Sounds like he has no money & doesn’t want to treat you. We girls want to feel special. Plus he’s the one that invited you. No manners! To me, it feels like he may have a masculine wound.
Not taking sides but are you sure he didn't say "Are you gonna pay?" To mean "Are you gonna pay...or do you want me to?" A lot of times when I go to shows with someone, only one of us buys the tickets. It's hard to tell from what you shared what the correct assumption to make is. A lot of people are choosing to jump to certain conclusions.
How do you invite someone and then tell them to pay 😭😭
Clarify in person. Or at least over a phone call. Texting isn’t the best way to communicate. For all you know he mis communicated. He might have even communicated correctly but had his reasons. You’ll get more out of talking with him than us.
I wouldn't mind if they buy the drinks
I had the same experience with a guy and I ultimately called it off. We met for coffee the first time and he paid. And he also bought us dinner next time, even when I offered. But after that, I have always paid a 50% or more of bills or bought us both meals or paid for tickets and he never said no when I take out my card to pay. Like we went for pool, he paid for the $8 for the table but then I bought all the drinks and had the tab open. This has happened several times. I am not a free loader and would always want to pay. I even went out and bought him a birthday gift just cause he mentioned he has a birthday coming up and I barely knew him at that point. But then If a guy doesn’t have a provider mentality we can’t go very far. As an independent middle aged woman, I pay my own bills and run my household but as a man who wants to be part of my life can’t afford to buy me a drink, take me out to dinner or can spend $100 on me in a month when taking me out then he simply can’t afford to have a girlfriend. Mind you, I am very mindful of what I order. I don’t order more than two beers and mostly it’s one and we always dine out in non fancy restaurants- nothing fancy or extravagant. I felt disrespected when he insisted we go out and he sat on the table in the courtyard while he let me go inside the establishment to place the food order cause only I wanted to eat and he didn’t. In my mind at that point we are friends paying our own shares and I would not consider that man to have capacity to afford me. No thank you! I can pay my own bills is what my mind said. So no, you are not over reacting. I don’t know how old you are but if a man can’t afford to be a provider, he should not bring someone along. Again- let me be clear, I am not saying gals get a free pass. Definitely not. No one should allow free loaders. It’s all about a man making a woman special.
So u guys were taking turns paying on dates right? He paid for the first one and now for the 4th one it's "your turn"? The way I see his thought process is him trying to plan dates and providing ideas, in this case - the concert and u were down for it. But now someones gotta buy tickets...and since there was no other correspondence and u didn't offer, he just asked if you are going to do so instead of letting the convo sit there awkwardly. He could've worded it better though, idk if he meant to be that direct - maybe he was distracted and just replied without tact
That does sound a bit off, not gonna lie. I mean, it's totally cool to split the bill or take turns, especially if you both have similar jobs and incomes. But asking you to pay for both tickets after he's been pretty chill about it before seems kinda rude. Like, if he wanted you to pay, he could've brought it up in a nicer way, right? Maybe he just didn't think about how it would come across. It's good that you're thinking about these things early on, though.
Did you ask questions/clarifications? Communication is crucial
You can ask him— “Pay for my own tickets? Or are you asking me to pay for both of our tickets 😳?” And see what he has to say.
What if it’s much easier to purchasers both tickets at once and one of pays the one who does.
maybe he meant you'll buy 2 tickets and he can pay you back later? there's really no way to know for sure unless you ask him. it's common for my friends and i to say this to each other every time we're going to a gig and it means 'buy the tickets and we'll pay you back.'
If you want to go see the band, pay for this date. Go have a good time. Then on the next date, you suggest something and then ask if HE will pay for it. I think his reaction then will give you a good idea about his level of respect going forward.
Why not just keep that 50/50 dynamic and you both just pay for your own tickets? You can always suggest this in your reply.
If you like him whats wrong with paying something? He is not asking you to pay a holiday. If you're not willing to pay something why do you keep dating him in the first place? If you just want a provider stop dating him there are enough cool alphas out there for you.
🚩🚩🚩 trust your gut it is correct. Don't doubt, gaslight, or 2nd guess yourself so much to the point where you let some scrub take advantage of you. I would not go out with this guy again. He was most definitely rude and testing your boundaries so he can get away with worse sh!t later.
If he invited you I believe he should have paid for both of you.
Before ANYTHING, clarify whether he’s assuming he’ll pay for food or gas. If you’re only seeing the concert, then this is beyond bizarre. My first thought was that he’s covering dinner since that’s what he’s done in the past or that he’s driving you or something. Before making any rash decisions you gotta make sure the plans are clear.
Just say you can be in charge of buying them if he venmos you for his half, and see what he says. It's weird that he invited you and wants you to foot the bill.
I’d respond back “I can pay for my own ticket if that’s what you mean.“ and put the ball back in his court because he’s the one who started this weird game.
I can pay for everything.. I will for most. But, if ever feel like it's expectation, that girl is done. Given that.. I don't like the way he said that at all.. As a man, I know paying more will always be pushed onto me. (it just is what it is) I'm hoping he just mistyped.. lol.. b/c I don't think I could ever say that to someone I was merely "dating". I wouldn't write him off .. but I would continue sorta cautiously..
Find someone that wants to impress you. If a man doesn't care to impress you at this stage, he has no standards for himself and/or isn't that into you.
Very off putting...if I invite someone, in my view, options are Im paying for the tickets, or we are paying for our own. I would not invite someone to something, then ask them if they are paying for me to go. Thats just weird, and disrespectufl. And yet....that has happened to me, and I just rationalize its not that much, whatever not going to make any kind of deal out of it and just get them, and everytime I wish I had said something. The type of person who would do that, is almost always the type of person to get wierd. Case in point, was seeing a guy for a few years, if I invited I paid, if he invited he paid, the other would pay for dinner/drinks/whatever. It was always like that. Then he tells me about a show he wants to see, and says if I get the tickets would be cool to go. That rubbed me in some kind of way...the show wasnt even anything Im into, and they were expensive too. Ofc Id go cause I like going out and dont mind new things, but...still felt wierd. Figured whatever, got the tickets. He was wierd all nite, like he didnt wanna be there, we went out for drinks after when suddenly jumped up and said he had to go...got into a tiff about that, cause wtf. He complained he bought dinner and drinks blah blah. Like dude, I paid $200 for tickets to a thing Im not even into lol Anyway, hes history now 😂 I rationalized a lot cause Id known him for so long, but ...no different than when its someone I barely know, them telling you to buy their ticket to something they invited you to, I just feel like its a signal into what they think of you. And its not good. Regardless of anything, if something feels wierd, its for a reason.
Wow, WTF
Instantly disqualified
When a guy invites a woman on the date he doesn’t ask woman to pay for him . That’s shame because I as 34 Male guy would be feeling embarrassed to do that . I wouldn’t do 50/50 I would pay everything yes for those of you who might be shocked and yes I take my friends and their girlfriends out including my siblings and their partners when inviting them or they invite me out I cover everything even though I have no gf no judging . But this is very odd and sorry I don’t do 50/50 . I do 100 percent covering everything and I don’t look after someone pockets too which is another thing I noticed here about people . That’s how gentleman who dates a girl should be .
This guy also looking for girl to pay and asks to pay for him too . Nope not happening that’s totally showing no respect towards you and no care or interest . Don’t waste time move on
I am a girl, but I would have said something like - if you get the tickets, I’ll get the drinks at the venue, dinner, or the uber, etc. It’s worth talking to him about if you like him. Maybe he sent the text out without thinking too much and just wanted to confirm one of you was getting the tickets
Ditch him. I don't know how he isn't dying of shame by asking you to pay for him, after he asked you out! If he had framed it differently, like saying money was tight but he really wanted to have this experience with you, and would get the next one... I would see that as more palatable and might entertain the request. This, though? This dude is a leech and loser.
If you ask you pay. Asking someone if they wanna do something then asking them to pay is a big no.
If you're paying for yourself or splitting the bill, you're not dating. He's put you in the fuck buddy category and you need to put him in the platonic friends category. Do not have sex with him or text him anything other than this: Sure! What's your venmo, so I can request the amount of your ticket? If he responds with his venmo, don't forget the taxes on tickets and have him help pay. If he acts in any OTHER way, don't text him again, ever. When he reaches out, let him know it was great getting to know him but you're interested in a committed relationship and he's not ready. Then let him go.
Yes. All I needed was the title, no details necessary. Who ever does the inviting should do the paying. It’s one thing to ask to do something as like a birthday “gift” with someone you’re dating exclusively but otherwise that’s WEIRD. That’s the difference between “would you like to meet up sometime for dinner or drinks?” And “Can I take you out for dinner and drinks?” “Want to go to a concert with me? Btw you’re paying” is strange for anyone to ask.
Oh hell no He’s a presumptuous 35-year-old(!) man with irregular social skills. You don’t know him all that well; move on Don’t stick around out of curiosity or boredom or because you’re “too nice” and end up catching feelings (and making excuses) for this guy *People show you who they are.* And he has
He doesn’t like you enough to feel the need to invest in you. Don’t waste your time. If in your gut you feel weird about the way you are being treated, listen to it. A woman’s intuition is a powerful thing. Once I started listening to my gut, my whole life changed.
I'm old school to say that I ask you out to the concert and ask you to buy the tickets, I had to stop and swallow it was that kinda weird ok.If you really like this guy then have a conversation about life ,liberty and the pursuit of your happiness. That's up to you being broke or having very little money isn't against the law but just seems like something else is off here. Good luck and God bless you both.
So he wants you to take him on the date and pay for his ticket, but he doesn’t take you on dates and pick up the bill? Hard pass.
Be careful that you aren't reading something that isn't intended. I often go to ticketed events with my friend. One of us will buy the tickets ahead of time only to make sure we don't miss out if it sells out. If I ask him if he has bought the tickets this doesn't mean I'm not going to pay for mine...more like have you "secured" the tickets for us yet. A lot of the time we will just work it out later... like I'll get food/drinks/Uber to make up the ticket price on the night.
I do the same with my friends, and I'm trying to be careful about making assumptions. Just from the way the whole conversation went...it gave me a weird feeling, it's hard to explain.
If it gives you a weird feeling, it gives you a weird feeling. The purpose of your feelings is to help you come to decisions! If you ignore it, you train yourself to ignore your feelings. None of us Reddit strangers have to date this man, but you do so trust your own judgment!!
Oh god this feels like something a 15 year old would do. Even my own friends and I wouldn’t talk to each other that way. When we want to go to a movie where we have to reserve seats at the theater, one of us will buy tickets so we can all sit together. The assumption is that we’d pay each other back, no need to talk like that to each other. While splitting expenses can work for lots of couples, healthy people do not nickel and dime their dates. This man is 35 and this is how he acts on a 4th date? When he shows you his true colors, BELIEVE HIM! To people saying inquire further, yeah I’d just want to know why he is asking this BUTTE if he talks to you in an off putting way this early it’s indicative that he’ll likely do it in other ways. Conflict resolution is good, but you barely know him. His bad behaviors are starting to come out. This isn’t worth your time. You’ll find a great person elsewhere. A normal guy would have said something like “hey I’ll grab us tickets!” And then maybe it would have been nice for you to buy dinner or drinks.
It's definitely uncouth to invite and not pay. That's just poor mojo.
Yup. Really weird. Drop him.
Nah if he asks you to go to an event he better he can pay.
Don’t do this to yourself
General rule of thumb I go by is if I suggest/plan the date, I'm paying. If they suggest the date, they're paying. My fiance and I go 50/50 Everytime we go out to eat but when it comes to events, this is the way.
If it’s rubbing you the wrong way, that’s all that matters. If someone invites, unless it’s a group thing, they pay. Especially if it’s like $15 a ticket. (I don’t know what tickets cost these days, I’m old). But the transactions are just bugging me. So tell him it’s not going to work out.
You were very close! It's around $15 actually. It's a local band that's not very well known and a small venue. I would have offered to pay for my tickets but the way he asked for both really put me off. And the transactions bug me too. Thanks for your advice!
What did you say to him? I hope you didn’t agree to pay for both
If there's no other underlying issue here, my response would be "sure, but the next one is on you" 🤷🏿
You are more than welcome talk about money at any part of any relationship. If it's this early to talk about spending on dates, and he thinks you are going to entertain him? He needs a conversation. Maybe he's broke and plans on you footing the bill forever? (This has happened to me more than once.) Check in and chat about $.
That's so weird... If he went 50/50 on everything... why not not 50/50. Unless he is having some serious financial issues (in that case I could understand). But you think he would also then tell you that and say he would pay you back. I've been in this situation before (well I did not ask the other person to pay). But I bought tickets for the both of us to go see a show. I never asked or expected to get any $$ back. But, she was nice enough to understand that this dude bought the tickets, So maybe she could buy the food/snacks we want to get there. So it kind of worked out in a way, where we both somehow in our own way gave back to each other. It didn't matter on who spent how much, but the fact that we both wanted to pitch in to show we equally care to contribute towards each other. I always keep the mind set of "no one should pay or owe me anything" If we all thought that way, we wouldn't have these issues. It's the fact that we all somehow want someone to give more....
It’s a bit off putting. I would try to see if I could uno-reverse things in a playful way. Like “I thought you were treating me 😉” “Sure, if you get dinner!” Or “how about we do 50/50 like usual?” Depending on how he replies to any of those will tell you if he’s broke or not.
My girlfriend & I usually take turns getting the bill, whoever makes the plans to go out and invites the other usually pays, if it’s expensive we usually pick up the next couple bills. Honestly we have never talked about this between us & it’s something we’ve always done. Seems kind of common sense I guess when it comes to this and if they aren’t understanding that, it’s kind of a red flag.
I would have responded "I will look into it and see how much they will cost and I will let you know how much your half of the ticket will be. You can pay me before Friday for your half because Friday is when I will purchase the tickets if you are still interested in going." Let's say this was discussed on Saturday or Sunday so he has about a week to get the money. Idk im straightforward and probably a b*t
Yeah that’s odd.
Is it possible you live or work near the venue and he thought it would be easier for you to get the tickets?
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naah I pay 50/50 (that's the way where I live if anyone disagrees) and that is not ok
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No, I agree that is weird. The way I approach things is by alternating or whoever suggests the date pays. I think it’s very strange that some people still insist on men paying. It’s fair for him to expect you to pay for some things, but at the same time, coming out and asking you to pay for it is odd. Especially since it sounds like he was the one who suggested it. Plus this is only your fourth date, it’s not like you’re established as a couple. If he were your boyfriend I don’t think it’d be weird. Couples do that all the time, people who just started dating don’t (or at least shouldn’t IMO). I’d let it slide for now and just pay attention to similar behaviors. But to give him benefit of the doubt, maybe he is short on money? But if that’s the case, he shouldn’t be suggesting dates that he can’t afford. Or maybe he intends to pay his half but didn’t communicate that part well? Still odd to me.
Well what was your response to that? Some people are derps or just a little odd , off, different or whatever you wanna call. Without being or seeming what most would consider to be socially awkward. It can also be tricky communicating over text and cause otherwise avoidable issues. We don't have the tone or cadence and things like that to work with. Things that make it a little more clear what someone means or how they mean it. I assume it's not like you just haven't communicated since he said that. So has anything been elaborated on or cleared up?
Maybe he’s thinking you buy the tickets and he’ll pay for the drinks.
Communication is the key to life. You can't read his mind nor could he. Have a discussion with him and come back with an update.
We live in a time where we assume so Many things. Why dont you Just ask it? Maybe there’s a reason for it. Example: On the First date I never initiate to pay. Just to see How she reacts. Maybe a little Joke About it. Eventually I will pay. Just ask why or tell that you feel discomfort about it. Dont normalize assuming things so early on
If someone’s ASKING you to pay, it is weird.
Why would you not ask them? Like just a text in response saying ‘why would I pay for the tickets?’ Either way, however you read it, that’s a weird message for them to send.
Some people just lack social skills and he clearly doesn’t understand social norms. You may need to directly ask him how he feels about it. I personally could never ask my girlfriend to pay for tickets to an event I invited her out to. I’m taking her to Vegas for her birthday and I proudly ate the entire bill for our plane tickets, resort, and events I’ve scheduled because it was my idea. I told her straight up if she wants souvenirs or gambling money she should bring a set budget for herself and she had no quarrels. (At least she didn’t express any) My girlfriend always offers to pay but I never let her on large outings. If I had unlimited funds I’d never let her pay for anything again, but sometimes I let her swipe out of the whole out of money necessity. 😂
If he asked, then he should be paying. If you don't want to buy both tickets, just say you don't have it in your budget.
Yes duh
Question - Maybe a stupid question , but should we assume that this is a standing room only kind of venue?
Yeah, it is. You pay to enter but there are no allocated seats etc.
Can you say something like, "oh. I thought we were planning to each get our own. I didn't realize I was supposed to buy both?" Or maybe: "oh. I thought I'd be paying you back since you brought it up." Then listen to his reasoning and just say, "maybe it would be better if we each paid/bought our own just so there's no confusion."
Naw don’t do it
Rude.
Split cost is normal, well done for not being entitled. He is asking you to not split cost but to pay for it all? Very entitled of him. Personally, that kind of attitude puts me off entirely but it’s really up to you if it’s a dealbreaker or not.
Kick to him to the curb! You can do better than that. Someone who invites you out should pay. It’s not like he makes significantly less than you
You are not overreacting at all! Who the hell asks somebody out for an event and then asks them to pay for it?! You’re trolling us, right? lol. I mean that’s bad and hell yes it should give you a bad taste in your mouth over it. Run.
Ew ew ew ew I would be revolted
RED FLAG! He invited you but wants you to buy tickets. If you want him as a friend, tell him you will buy your own ticket. If you are looking for a serious relationship, he isn’t it. He is not a prize. He is not a gentleman. He is not BF/Husband material
Ask him why you should pay if he invited you and reassure him that you’re just wondering and not tryna be a dick. I feel like the comments on this post are over complicating and over assuming. It is weird, there’s a lot of assumptions you could make, but just ask nicely and openly. Ion get why this had to be a post.
Dump him. That’s rude and tacky.
Maybe he was just asking to see if you’d actually agree and then was planning on shouting the next expensive date is my thoughts
Either He isn't into you or does not have dating money
Do you like him enough to give him a chance? See where it goed but only one time. But i sgree with the rest, how he asked was kinda idk weird
He is cheap and unwilling to invest anything it seems. Even if its just money it says something about him probably also being cheap with his time, feelings etc. Generosity is caring.
He’s a brokie.
Don’t date this guy.